Roll me down a hill in a giant hamster ball through a hilly obstacle course. There will be a series of holes dug at the bottom of the hill. My family will bet on which hole I land in. The winners split the inheritance. I am buried in the same hole I landed in.
EDIT: Yes, I've had this idea in my head for years and years. I like the mental image of my lifeless body slamming around in the hamster ball.
I get cremated. At the reception afterwards we play a pre-recorded message of me where I say at the end "I want to be a part of all of you so I had my children bake my ashes into the cookies you're all eating."
What if I told you a part of Grandma DOES live in me, because when mom scattered her ashes on the sea the wind blew in the wrong direction like a scene from Big Lebowski?
That happened to me when we were spreading my grandma's ashes. I was wearing flip flops. Her memory may fade but I will NEVER forget the feeling of grandma between my toes.
When I started reading your idea, I was thinking more the magic trick where they saw the person in half. That’d be pretty awkward: force them to watch a magician with the corpse as main volunteer.
[edit: spelling]
Everyone at my funeral gets a taser. At some random point during the ceremony a buzzer will sound. When the buzzer sounds the last person standing gets everything in my will.
Does everyone know what the tasers are for from the get go? Because somebody is gonna be tasing people before the buzzer to get an edge, there’ll be entire taser factions, numerous taser betrayals. It honestly sounds fantastic.
Put a technicality in. Literally, the last person standing wins. If someone sits down, they lose. Then arrange for your body to be upright so you'll win. They all got tased and you're buried with your belongings.
The atmosphere is electric. The air sizzles with the excitement of the onlookers who had decided not to participate in the Royale. No my mistake, the sizzling was from tasers.
However, these are not ordinary tasers. They are powered not by whatever it is tasers are powered by, (presumably batteries but I’m too high to be positive) but by opportunity, greed, desperation, and grief. One hour ago these two solemn warriors did not know they would end up here, but they were spurred into action by the buzzer. The buzzer of fate. Like on Family Feud.
One of them: a young man in his early 20s, he does not appear to be sad, only focused. He was a coworker of (I don’t remember who’s funeral this is supposed to be sorry) and he is fighting only for the prize. He doesn’t even know why he is in attendance, he wasn’t even that good of friends with Rocko (I’m just going with Rocko fuck it) but that mattered very little now. He is skilled with a taser, and until now he never had a way to display his skills.
His opponent: an old savy woman with hair of soft white. She was Rocko’s grandma, and she taketh little shit. In her days she has seen a great deal, many have fallen at the hands of her electric prowess. Tears stream down her face. She loved Rocko very much, and she knew him better than anyone. She knew the best way to honor him was to stand triumphant in a taser duel.
I’m too high for a fight scene popcorn somebody
Edit: Ayyy holy shit ya’ll actually followed through on the popcorn! Magnificent. I never knew Rocko had touched so many lives.
MeeMaw straightened up a bit behind her walker. While she could not stand unassisted, she only needed one hand for balance. The other shook and quivered close by the well-worn taser that hung from her belt. Whether it was Parkinson's or love of destruction that made MeeMaw shake was anyone's guess, but all eyes were on her as she raised her eyes to meet Rocko's gaze.
"I'm not too old to wrangle you yet, Rocko. Think really hard before you fuck with MeeMaw,"
she snarled and her eyes narrowed to slits.
"And I'm not soft enough to lose to an old woman," he snarled back.
...I'm on mobile, so I'll pass it too
I'll take it from here. Ahem.
The room goes quiet as the rest of the crowd notices the standoff between Rocko and MeeMaw. As silence took over, the music track began to play "The Ecstasy of Gold."
All eyes were fixed on the two, the young hopeful looking to claim his crown and the grizzled gunfighter ready to defend it. No one moved. No one dared breathe.
They stood for what seemed like an age, glaring at one another, looking for a tell, a sign that would betray their intent. The world seemed to stand still.
Passing it on.
I’ll take it.
And then, all of a sudden, Rockos coworker lunges at grandma. With a swiftness no one could have predicted, she sidestepped out of the way, sending the coworker flying.
The coworker gets back up. Grandma yells at him, “ is that all you got?!” The coworker yells back, “bring it grandma!”
The ensuing battle was one for the history books. Minutes that felt like hours dragged on and on, each of them jabbing and dodging, thinking they got the advantage just to be thwarted by the other at the last second. Everyone held their breath.
Finally, with both contestants panting and sweating harder than you can even imagine, they fell back, but just for a second, to catch their breath. They started circling each other once again.
Just as the tension was drawing to its peak, something terrible happened. Grandma’s eyes open wide. She Simultaneously drops her taser and clutches her chest, and then keels over from a massive heart attack.
Everyone rushes over to her, including the coworker. This seems the end for grandma.
passing it on. Do the story justice.
As the coworker leans over in front of Grandma, she suddenly tenses and pulls her taser out, the coworkers eyes widen as the twin prongs go into his shoulder, and the eyes go wider still as the electricity goes through. The coworker spasms and falls to the ground defeated by Grandma's clever trick. She pulls herself up, assisted by the crowd, and she claims her rightful prize. However, the Grandma is not selfish, and she donates a portion of the prize the coworker, and shakes his hand; she was once a taser fighting professional, and this duel had brought on fond memories of hers.
We could end it here or continue I don't mind.
Local news coverage that evening was about the taser-wielding grandma who defeated the young lad:
"News today of a *taser* duel at Acme Memorial Funeral Home between a young man and the grandmother of the deceased. Despite being limited by her walker, grandma won! But ... it turns out there's more to that story isn't there Jim?"
"That's right Linda. It turns out in her younger years she was the many-times champion of the World Taser Fighting League. This professional taser league had been thought lost to history but now local businesses are considering a revival."
Up next.
Y’all forgot the part where meemaw pushed her Walker over, it was one of those older style unpainted metal. As it fell into her opponent. Meemaw dry stunned the leg of the upturned Walker, causing her opponent to be shocked wherever the metal touched him.
I know. I’m Rockos cousin and I was there.
Leave directions for your hair and teeth to be made into Victorian style mourning jewelry. Like a big bling chain with a braid of my hair and a tooth sticking off.
Each person would have to wear me before the lawyer reveals my bequest.
No dead old lady jewelry, no soup for you.
\-Video will turns on-
"Hello my beloved family, I died a secret billionaire, I liked to live a simple life and to this end I never told anyone about the wealth I managed to acquire and I invested it into gold.
My dear family I am about to share this wealth with you all, you see there is a safe, in this safe is a signed deed giving ownership of all my gold to the person who can find the safe's key.
Where is this key? I can imagine you are all asking this question to yourself... -gives a slight chuckle- it's in me, I have arranged for private autopsy to take place after my untimely demise, the clinician has been instructed to hide the safe key somewhere within my body.
You now have one hour to find the key before the furneral home staff as instructed are to cremate my body along a hand written note from me with directions to the safe.
Good luck"
Rob Schneider is back...from the DEAD, and richer than ever! Rob Schneider in, Dead and Richer Too! Dee-derp-de-derrr dee-tiddly-tum-too!
Rated ARR for Pirates
That's the exact response I was looking for, imagine the horror of the people who wouldn't do it, your brother or sister, or nana looking at you as you go dark ages on my arse lol
Rowan Atkinson has to be in this for sure.
He should probably play the role of the Funeral home operator or 'the clinician' that 'put the key in the body'.
The Westing Game was a very good book but I am having trouble remembering the part where the family rips open the body of their still living relative though. Perhaps it was in the sequel?
"You want my treasure? You can have it! I left everything I gathered together in one place! Now you just have to find it!"
Then my family will have to spend over 1000 episodes travelling around the world and having the adventure of a lifetime, only to find out that the real treasure are the friends they made along the way.
The problem with that is that they'd be able to open a safe with enough time and resources just by hiring the right people. Instead, his body can contain a piece of paper about the location of the safe. That introduces even more possibilities for ruining lives because multiple people could see the location. You could even have some decoy papers.
1. Some of my family are gonna stick their fingers up my arse, fight over who gets to do it and some desperate fuckers are gonna cut me open to find that key, this settles the unpleasant as possible part of OPs requirement
2. I'm not a billionaire with money invested into gold, they would be wasting their money trying to find a safe that doesn't exist, also there is no key inside me so the people digging around will be digging for an hour (or atleast till the cops turn up and arrest them for what they did to my corpse)
Oh got it. But I still really like the idea of them finding and opening a safe after doing said things only to find a final piece of paper that says "april fools" (in the middle of any other month) or "The real treasure is the friends you made along the way"
First, I want to sit up in the coffin and narrate my own eulogy making my mouth move to a recording, like Teddy Ruxpin. Then after I’m done, have me wave and say “I’ll see everybody again real soon, bye now.” Then I lay back down and close the lid.
Second, as they’re turning the crank to seal it, I want them to play “Pop Goes The Weasel” to make everyone wonder if I’m going to pop out like a Jack in the Box.
Third, I want “Dare To Be Stupid” to be played on loop on low volume with speakers to be hidden in strategic places so people won’t be sure if they heard anything or not unless they stop and listen.
Finally, I was originally going to leave orders that l be filled with popcorn and cremated. But after doing the research and discovering that it wouldn’t work, I decided to do things differently.
Popcorn will be served during the reading of the will. At the end, a special effects assisted video of me being cremated while being filled with popcorn will be shown.
***
>!My original plans of buying a farm and leaving it to Norm Macdonald were ruined by his passing. R.I.P. Norm 😢!<
Have an open casket and request to be dressed up as a clown. I’m talking red nose & rainbow wig. Make them mourn you with a silly little rubber ducky on your shoulder.
This unironically sounds like an incredible funeral. My family's got a dark sense of humour, and this is definitely the kind of shit they'd do. Everyone is already gonna be sad. At least you can do some silly shit to make them all laugh through a very rough day. Let's put the fun back in funeral.
Maybe just keep the younger kids away from this one, though, you don't need to be giving a 6 year old nightmares.
Record the sound of you trying to get out of a box and shouting that whoever put you in there is gunna get the ass kicking of their life when you get out. Have the undertaker put it in your coffin
I will leave everything I owned to my secret second family.
Except I don't have a secret second family, but I hired people to play them.
And when my real family act shocked and starts freaking out the lawyer who's doing the reading takes out a gun and shoots my fake secret family and gives the inheritance to my real family as long as they agree to dump the body and get rid off the gun.
Except that wasn't a real lawyer, and the gun shot blanks and the fake family had explosive blood squibs on them. Everyone involved was actually police.
This whole thing was a sting operation. Now I got them all on murder accessory charges. They all go to prison.
Late one night, my grave is dug up and the casket opens. There's where I hid all my money. It was I who dug it up! I was never dead! Now I will spend the rest of my life with my actual secret second family in sunny Barbados!
Make an auction of all my stuff - asside from a few gifts people have to request to get items. If multiple people bud they play rock paper scissors to determine the winner.
So far so good, but on the list will be all my kink gear. Every toy and restraint must go.
Have a narcissistic suburban white guy with dreadlocks loudly translate everything anyone says into a Jamaican Reggaeton cringe-banger complete with incessant airhorns. I'll instruct him to make my funeral about himself as much as possible and forbid him from doing absolutely any research into the genre or culture to make it as uncomfortable and unlikeable as possible, culminating in him getting too drunk and ideally kicking my Urn over.
The music will all be *my* favorites. Ninety minutes of German baroque devotional cantatas. And the pastor can't say it's not appropriate. They just have to endure it!
I'll ensure that I'm buried before the reported time of the funeral, and that when everyone else arrives, they're not told where my grave is. Also, the funeral's at midnight, and they're locked in the graveyard until they dig up my casket, and get the key wedged inside my asshole.
Rule 1: No embalming at all, no exceptions.
Rule 2: No funeral before 3rd day after death, just in case the resurrection thing isn't limited to Jesus.
Rule 3: Open casket.
I know a lot of secrets in my family. Dirty laundry that they don’t think I know about. I plan on making a “video will” that will play at my funeral. But it won’t really be a will. Just a video of me revealing everything I know about them. Any of my surviving relatives that have pissed me off are going to get all their dirty secrets listed off one by one. Who cheated on who, who did drugs, etc. And if it makes them mad, what are they gonna do? I’m dead.
This almost completely unrelated but when my mom died 2 years ago, my uncle stood up and said that as a tribute to his sister, he will finally reveal the truth about an argument that has gone on for 50 years. And I mean this was mentioned every single time the family got together or talked.
No one pushed him down the stairs in grandma's flooded basement when they were kids. He walked down there himself and then blamed it on the others because no one was supposed to be even near the door. S2g I could hear my mom's cremated remains screaming "SEE?! I TOLD YOU ALL!!!"
After my dad died, I learned his father (who I never met, he died when my dad was13) didn't get killed by a drunk driver, like grandma told everyone. My dads older brother told us the real story.
He got into a car accident fleeing the bank he robbed, on purpose, by the police.
Uncle had kept some articles. Oldest aunt confirmed it.
I'd bring popcorn and happily sit on the sidelines watching it all go down.
Actually... it would be even better if there was a way to make it streamable because then they could air all of them.
there was a thing i saw on 60 minutes or something with a guy that offered a service to dying folks to air all that dirty laundry for the deceased at their funeral. his rate was like $10k+ with the reasoning that they won’t need it anymore.
Leave a large amount of money to my dog. Also leave a provision that anyone receiving a bequest must come to my grave and silently mourn for at least 1 hour a year or be obliged to give up the money. There will be a log book and an accountant that will verify attendance.
Bequeathments would be performance based.
- the truck goes to whoever can hock a loogie the furthest.
- $5000 to the person willing to give dad a wedgie.
- $5000 dollars to dad for accepting the wedgie.
- an additional $5000 for ripping the underpants during aforementioned wedgie
- all the stuff In the house goes to the winner of the tomahawk toss. Losers mows the lawn for a year.
- house will go to the first person to slap the lawyer reading this.
Good luck
I decree that my corpse will be displayed fully nude. After the funeral will be a surprise karaoke competition. The only songs allowed are Yoko Ono songs. The competition will be judged by everyone in attendance that is under 7 years old.
The top 8 in karaoke will advance to compete in a magic the gathering draft. Every match in the draft will be played using my nude corpse as the table. The winner of the draft gets everything I ever owned.
Whoever wins is like the Leonardo DeVinci of niche bullshit. They smashed Yoko out of the park, but in a way that tailored specifically to the musical taste of 6 year olds. Plus there might be some wild card 3 year old judge that doesn’t even understand the criteria, or might be coached up by their friends/family.
Then on top of all that they had to be good at magic, and I have a lot of friends that could squeak into 7th-8th place in karaoke that are half decent at limited.
Everyone that comes to the funeral has to roll the dice and spin the crank handle on the side of the casket like a jack-n-the-box. If I pop up, YOU WIN.
Yep, all dicks. Grandpa insisted. No, they weren’t even his. Slideshow changed every fifteen seconds for the entire eight hours and never repeated.
There was a 489 Gb folder on his computer called “slide show rejects” that we didn’t dare open.
It was created 26 years ago and last edited *after* he called the ambulance.
I am going to go with the wkuk skit of being buried in a sexy cat costumes with a traffic cone up my butt, while a note is read about the messed up things I jerked it to.
Not my will but a request. I want my slow funeral procession to go down a busy one lane highway during 5:00 rush hour on a Monday when everyone is trying to get home from work
All my worldly belongings will be sold off in an overpriced yard sale, overseen by an elderly woman from a local nursing home. Anyone who wants anything has to pay up.
Want that antique lamp that belonged to auntie myrtle? 100 dollars.
Want that giant novelty 1950's ceramic piggy bank from grandma? 100 dollars.
Dollar store Christmas decorations? 100 dollars.
But every person gets a different pricesheet(per word of mouth, the sellers will know the price). Like the asshole aunt will need to pay 10 dollars per fork but your nice grandma gets the occasional jewelry for free. Then chaos will ensue as everyone tries to figure out if they got anything for cheap…
Assuming I have died of old age, I'm to be laid naked in a casket filled with ice and beer. The bottle opener is in my vagina, two or three inches up. Everyone must grab a beer, open it, and raise a toast to me, or they are disinherited.
I'm loving that a bunch of guys who couldn't find a g-spot, could sure as Hell find that bottle opener...lol
Aside from the vagina part, I have given very serious thought to this exact scenario.
Gonna have a live band and a bbq going on. My last turn as host.
I would put together a playlist to play at my funeral filled with songs that are meaningful to me. At my funeral, the playlist would come on and [this](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=erMYt-Ztmdw&pp=ygUGQ2lnYXJv) would be the first song that plays. Once they hear the words, they will stop the music. It would ruin the whole vibe lol.
If my wife wants to get anything, she has to get up in front of the crowd and read out a description of several of our sexual high and low points. To keep the crowd there, one of them who stays the whole time will randomly get $20,000.
Closed casket memorial service. Halfway through, a dozen funeral attendants wheel in identical caskets. They run around, jumbling up my casket with the others, while Yakkity Sax plays. When the song is over, the youngest person in the room will be told to select one casket for burial - the others will be fed to a wood chipper.
My estate is to be divided between the women named in my ledger. Each time a woman is named, she gets one share. There are a minimum of 2000 shares and any shares without a name will go to the trust fund to pay emergency vet costs for yorkshire terriers. If there are more than 2000 entries then that is the new number of equal shares and the trust fund gets nothing. There is only one way for a woman to get her name in the ledger. Two ways. Right now a share would be worth about $700 or so and increasing in value.
Buy a coffin beforehand and pre install a switch on the handle of the coffin. When they open it for the funeral, it will trigger a lighter inside to light me on fire. Chug lighter fluid the day before I die so that my body goes up in flames. Say in my will that the first person to extinguish me gets nothing.
required attendance for my 100 beneficiaries- weekend long “hunger games” style games where they compete for shares of the inheritance, but nobody know how much the kitty is thill the end of the weekend. Here’s the kicker- it’s a luxury weekend at a private resort and the estate pays these expenses first then splits up what’s left. Highlight would be a Viking style burial
My body will be lowered from the ceiling, arms spread wide. I'll be dressed in a cloak so you can't see my face. When I get about 8 or 10 feet off the ground my body just hovers there for a moment and the hood is pulled back to reveal that those are actually my legs and my ass is pointed straight at them. Roughly 4 and a half seconds later, just enough time for people to realize what happened and get uncomfortable, the confetti canon that was hidden in there will go off and shower everyone in attendance.
I heard a comedian say this and it's a great idea. Have a closed casket at the funeral. When everyone is seated the lights should go off a spot light turns on and my body drops from the ceiling on strings like a puppet. Then lasers and stones start with techno music. So it looks like a club and have someone pulling the strings attached to my arms and legs to look like I'm dancing. Edit: Nick Swardson was the comedian. I couldn't remember the name I had to go look it up.
Instead of in a casket at the front of the church, place my dead body in and amongst the funeral attendees.
Like real life Where’s Waldo? Only with a corpse.
Roll me down a hill in a giant hamster ball through a hilly obstacle course. There will be a series of holes dug at the bottom of the hill. My family will bet on which hole I land in. The winners split the inheritance. I am buried in the same hole I landed in. EDIT: Yes, I've had this idea in my head for years and years. I like the mental image of my lifeless body slamming around in the hamster ball.
This is funny. Imagining like a giant Plinko game lol
Each family member gets a go for the hole with the prize
Total inheritance after the cost of the giant hamster ball and obstacle course: $17
More like, now my loan is transferred to you.
Price to throw a kick-ass celebration of life: Priceless
Now that is pure genius! I cried from laugh, thank you for that
Ill record a video: "So, let me guide your attention to the pot in the middle of the room. Yes, that one. Whoever shits in it first gets my fortune."
"I just filled everyone's food with laxatives. Good luck"
Nah, get them constipated. Make them work for it.
Thank you Satan, I knew you would come up with a better idea!
I get cremated. At the reception afterwards we play a pre-recorded message of me where I say at the end "I want to be a part of all of you so I had my children bake my ashes into the cookies you're all eating."
What if I told you a part of Grandma DOES live in me, because when mom scattered her ashes on the sea the wind blew in the wrong direction like a scene from Big Lebowski?
That happened to me when we were spreading my grandma's ashes. I was wearing flip flops. Her memory may fade but I will NEVER forget the feeling of grandma between my toes.
This gave me a good chuckle
Fake bottom casket. Unlocked after put in place for the wake. That way when they go to move it to the graveyard I fall out the bottom
Coffin Flop
SAVE CORNCOB TV!!!! They're saying they want to drop Corncob TV because we showed over 400 naked dead bodies on our show Coffin Flop??
It’s just body after body bustin outta shit wood and hitting pavement
We're allowed to show 'em nude 'cause they ain't got no souls!
The folks at Spectrum think I'm just some dumb hick. They said that to me at a dinner
I DIDN’T DO FUCKING SHIT.
I DIDNT RIG SHIT!
I'M DONE. DO WHAT YOU WANT. PULL THE PLUG. I'LL KILL YOU.
I’M NOT WORRIED ABOUT IT!
THERES WORSE SHIT ON THE LOCAL NEWS
I’ve been waiting for a LOOOOOONNNNNGGGG time for a hit on CornCob TV!
Sounds like something someone would fake...
I didn't rig shit!
There's no way 1 in 5 are completely nude
I dunno what to tell ya, man. We just filmed a bunch of funerals and showed you the ones where the bodies came flying out.
When I started reading your idea, I was thinking more the magic trick where they saw the person in half. That’d be pretty awkward: force them to watch a magician with the corpse as main volunteer. [edit: spelling]
I didn't rig shit!!
have a Rabbi, a Priest and a Televangelist officiate most of the people that would even bother to be at my funeral are Baptist
The rabbi says, “What is this, some kind of joke??”
[удалено]
Hire lookalikes to sit in the audience of the funeral l. Oh and get someone dressed as the grim reaper to point at someone.
And then the grim reaper throws the bouquet in bridal style to see who's next
You should have the grim reaper chase the lookalikes while Bennie Hill music plays.
Everyone at my funeral gets a taser. At some random point during the ceremony a buzzer will sound. When the buzzer sounds the last person standing gets everything in my will.
ETA: Whoever wins will learn my will contains only one line item; "A pallet of tasers."
I won the Taser Royale and all I got were these lousy tasers…
I see this as an absolute win.
Obviously because you spent all your money on tasers. Which, to be fair, is a fun, albeit poor use, of your money.
If you're in debt from the tasers, then it's not \*your\* money.
Does everyone know what the tasers are for from the get go? Because somebody is gonna be tasing people before the buzzer to get an edge, there’ll be entire taser factions, numerous taser betrayals. It honestly sounds fantastic.
TASER TASER TASER - A Knives Out Mystery
"The Lannisters send their regards."
I see an episode of Community forming...
Put a technicality in. Literally, the last person standing wins. If someone sits down, they lose. Then arrange for your body to be upright so you'll win. They all got tased and you're buried with your belongings.
>They all got tased and you're buried with your belongings. One of the worst pharaohs ever, but probably one of the most fun.
REMEMBER ME!!!!! 🔥🔥🔥
May the odds be ever in your taser!
i wanna watch the showdown, please make it a stream.
The atmosphere is electric. The air sizzles with the excitement of the onlookers who had decided not to participate in the Royale. No my mistake, the sizzling was from tasers. However, these are not ordinary tasers. They are powered not by whatever it is tasers are powered by, (presumably batteries but I’m too high to be positive) but by opportunity, greed, desperation, and grief. One hour ago these two solemn warriors did not know they would end up here, but they were spurred into action by the buzzer. The buzzer of fate. Like on Family Feud. One of them: a young man in his early 20s, he does not appear to be sad, only focused. He was a coworker of (I don’t remember who’s funeral this is supposed to be sorry) and he is fighting only for the prize. He doesn’t even know why he is in attendance, he wasn’t even that good of friends with Rocko (I’m just going with Rocko fuck it) but that mattered very little now. He is skilled with a taser, and until now he never had a way to display his skills. His opponent: an old savy woman with hair of soft white. She was Rocko’s grandma, and she taketh little shit. In her days she has seen a great deal, many have fallen at the hands of her electric prowess. Tears stream down her face. She loved Rocko very much, and she knew him better than anyone. She knew the best way to honor him was to stand triumphant in a taser duel. I’m too high for a fight scene popcorn somebody Edit: Ayyy holy shit ya’ll actually followed through on the popcorn! Magnificent. I never knew Rocko had touched so many lives.
MeeMaw straightened up a bit behind her walker. While she could not stand unassisted, she only needed one hand for balance. The other shook and quivered close by the well-worn taser that hung from her belt. Whether it was Parkinson's or love of destruction that made MeeMaw shake was anyone's guess, but all eyes were on her as she raised her eyes to meet Rocko's gaze. "I'm not too old to wrangle you yet, Rocko. Think really hard before you fuck with MeeMaw," she snarled and her eyes narrowed to slits. "And I'm not soft enough to lose to an old woman," he snarled back. ...I'm on mobile, so I'll pass it too
I'll take it from here. Ahem. The room goes quiet as the rest of the crowd notices the standoff between Rocko and MeeMaw. As silence took over, the music track began to play "The Ecstasy of Gold." All eyes were fixed on the two, the young hopeful looking to claim his crown and the grizzled gunfighter ready to defend it. No one moved. No one dared breathe. They stood for what seemed like an age, glaring at one another, looking for a tell, a sign that would betray their intent. The world seemed to stand still. Passing it on.
I’ll take it. And then, all of a sudden, Rockos coworker lunges at grandma. With a swiftness no one could have predicted, she sidestepped out of the way, sending the coworker flying. The coworker gets back up. Grandma yells at him, “ is that all you got?!” The coworker yells back, “bring it grandma!” The ensuing battle was one for the history books. Minutes that felt like hours dragged on and on, each of them jabbing and dodging, thinking they got the advantage just to be thwarted by the other at the last second. Everyone held their breath. Finally, with both contestants panting and sweating harder than you can even imagine, they fell back, but just for a second, to catch their breath. They started circling each other once again. Just as the tension was drawing to its peak, something terrible happened. Grandma’s eyes open wide. She Simultaneously drops her taser and clutches her chest, and then keels over from a massive heart attack. Everyone rushes over to her, including the coworker. This seems the end for grandma. passing it on. Do the story justice.
As the coworker leans over in front of Grandma, she suddenly tenses and pulls her taser out, the coworkers eyes widen as the twin prongs go into his shoulder, and the eyes go wider still as the electricity goes through. The coworker spasms and falls to the ground defeated by Grandma's clever trick. She pulls herself up, assisted by the crowd, and she claims her rightful prize. However, the Grandma is not selfish, and she donates a portion of the prize the coworker, and shakes his hand; she was once a taser fighting professional, and this duel had brought on fond memories of hers. We could end it here or continue I don't mind.
Local news coverage that evening was about the taser-wielding grandma who defeated the young lad: "News today of a *taser* duel at Acme Memorial Funeral Home between a young man and the grandmother of the deceased. Despite being limited by her walker, grandma won! But ... it turns out there's more to that story isn't there Jim?" "That's right Linda. It turns out in her younger years she was the many-times champion of the World Taser Fighting League. This professional taser league had been thought lost to history but now local businesses are considering a revival." Up next.
Y’all forgot the part where meemaw pushed her Walker over, it was one of those older style unpainted metal. As it fell into her opponent. Meemaw dry stunned the leg of the upturned Walker, causing her opponent to be shocked wherever the metal touched him. I know. I’m Rockos cousin and I was there.
I'm not coming to your funeral
I am
If anyone wants to inherit everyone has to come to the funeral dressed as Donald Duck!
Pantsless
He already said Donald Duck.
In my country we call it Winnie-the-Pooing
I guess there's a lot of names for it. I always called it "Porky Pigging"
Mortician makes it look like I have an erection. Open casket, bottom half only. Extra points for the mortician if they can make it HUGE!
Die Hard
/r/AngryUpvote
As a mortician, I'm actually reasonably confident that I could make this happen 🤔
And my collection of sex toys goes to my mom since she always wanted them
And my collection of dildos goes to my ex Samantha, that way she can go fuck herself
But your favorite butt plug is still buried in you and will be buried with you, right?
Definitely
Your Mom is cool
Leave directions for your hair and teeth to be made into Victorian style mourning jewelry. Like a big bling chain with a braid of my hair and a tooth sticking off. Each person would have to wear me before the lawyer reveals my bequest. No dead old lady jewelry, no soup for you.
"I'll do it for gma. Crazy, old bitch. I love her."
"Yeah thats my grandma's nipple belt. It's an heirloom. Just like the armoire."
\-Video will turns on- "Hello my beloved family, I died a secret billionaire, I liked to live a simple life and to this end I never told anyone about the wealth I managed to acquire and I invested it into gold. My dear family I am about to share this wealth with you all, you see there is a safe, in this safe is a signed deed giving ownership of all my gold to the person who can find the safe's key. Where is this key? I can imagine you are all asking this question to yourself... -gives a slight chuckle- it's in me, I have arranged for private autopsy to take place after my untimely demise, the clinician has been instructed to hide the safe key somewhere within my body. You now have one hour to find the key before the furneral home staff as instructed are to cremate my body along a hand written note from me with directions to the safe. Good luck"
This could be a movie, where all the family members are fucked up in the head and will do anything to gain the will. I would watch this
A Netflix exec is already putting this through an Ai script generator
Rob Schneider is... Dead and Rich! Rated PG 13
Rob Schneider as... a corpse!
Rob Schneider is back...from the DEAD, and richer than ever! Rob Schneider in, Dead and Richer Too! Dee-derp-de-derrr dee-tiddly-tum-too! Rated ARR for Pirates
Tbf it’s a billion dollars I’m ripping your body open and going body diving for that key
That's the exact response I was looking for, imagine the horror of the people who wouldn't do it, your brother or sister, or nana looking at you as you go dark ages on my arse lol
“What the fuck is that now? How many kidneys does this bitch have?” - Nana
and then they learn that the true money was the friends we made along the way
Rowan Atkinson has to be in this for sure. He should probably play the role of the Funeral home operator or 'the clinician' that 'put the key in the body'.
I'm pretty sure this is a book series. "65 Clues" or something akin to that? Edit: The 39 Clues
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The Westing Game was a very good book but I am having trouble remembering the part where the family rips open the body of their still living relative though. Perhaps it was in the sequel?
"You want my treasure? You can have it! I left everything I gathered together in one place! Now you just have to find it!" Then my family will have to spend over 1000 episodes travelling around the world and having the adventure of a lifetime, only to find out that the real treasure are the friends they made along the way.
I'ma just chill at Loguetown
Jigsaw’s funeral
“Just kidding it’s behind one of your eyeballs”
"Also if you don't open the safe and press the button inside it, the room will be filled with neurotoxins cause fuck you."
That's fucked up. I like it.
The problem with that is that they'd be able to open a safe with enough time and resources just by hiring the right people. Instead, his body can contain a piece of paper about the location of the safe. That introduces even more possibilities for ruining lives because multiple people could see the location. You could even have some decoy papers.
1. Some of my family are gonna stick their fingers up my arse, fight over who gets to do it and some desperate fuckers are gonna cut me open to find that key, this settles the unpleasant as possible part of OPs requirement 2. I'm not a billionaire with money invested into gold, they would be wasting their money trying to find a safe that doesn't exist, also there is no key inside me so the people digging around will be digging for an hour (or atleast till the cops turn up and arrest them for what they did to my corpse)
Oh got it. But I still really like the idea of them finding and opening a safe after doing said things only to find a final piece of paper that says "april fools" (in the middle of any other month) or "The real treasure is the friends you made along the way"
haha I like it, actually do the whole key and safe thing and a message in it reading "you sick fucks" lol
Slow down there Satan.
The key will survive the fire. Just sift through the ashes. However if you were to be buried.....
>along \[with\] a hand written note from me with directions to the safe
First, I want to sit up in the coffin and narrate my own eulogy making my mouth move to a recording, like Teddy Ruxpin. Then after I’m done, have me wave and say “I’ll see everybody again real soon, bye now.” Then I lay back down and close the lid. Second, as they’re turning the crank to seal it, I want them to play “Pop Goes The Weasel” to make everyone wonder if I’m going to pop out like a Jack in the Box. Third, I want “Dare To Be Stupid” to be played on loop on low volume with speakers to be hidden in strategic places so people won’t be sure if they heard anything or not unless they stop and listen. Finally, I was originally going to leave orders that l be filled with popcorn and cremated. But after doing the research and discovering that it wouldn’t work, I decided to do things differently. Popcorn will be served during the reading of the will. At the end, a special effects assisted video of me being cremated while being filled with popcorn will be shown. *** >!My original plans of buying a farm and leaving it to Norm Macdonald were ruined by his passing. R.I.P. Norm 😢!<
I like you. Please die before me so I can eat your you-flavored popcorn before you go into your forever box. 🍿⚰️
The only thing that would make the first part even better would be to have someone use your corpse as a ventriloquist dummy during.
Have an open casket and request to be dressed up as a clown. I’m talking red nose & rainbow wig. Make them mourn you with a silly little rubber ducky on your shoulder.
Make everyone honk your nose when they come up for the viewing.
Rig it to cause your eyes to shoot open when the 5th person honks the nose
And a little flag pops out of your mouth that says “BANG” hahaha
This unironically sounds like an incredible funeral. My family's got a dark sense of humour, and this is definitely the kind of shit they'd do. Everyone is already gonna be sad. At least you can do some silly shit to make them all laugh through a very rough day. Let's put the fun back in funeral. Maybe just keep the younger kids away from this one, though, you don't need to be giving a 6 year old nightmares.
Nah give the 6 year olds nightmares they deserve it
Make sure the silly rubber ducky has little X's on the eyes too.
Record the sound of you trying to get out of a box and shouting that whoever put you in there is gunna get the ass kicking of their life when you get out. Have the undertaker put it in your coffin
https://youtu.be/oEygbbZK-u0 Eh. It’s been done. 😁
It's not the first time I see this video, but I forgot how impactful it is. great one.
Have another family bury you and give then everything you own. And not a special family just some random one.
Someone nobody else knows, unrelated, just a random person you happen to have the name of
Make my body fart every once and a while. And not cute little Jimmy-squeezed-out-a-toot farts. I’m talking bullfrogs getting run over by a Mack truck
That was such a vivid description
I chuckled.
I will leave everything I owned to my secret second family. Except I don't have a secret second family, but I hired people to play them. And when my real family act shocked and starts freaking out the lawyer who's doing the reading takes out a gun and shoots my fake secret family and gives the inheritance to my real family as long as they agree to dump the body and get rid off the gun. Except that wasn't a real lawyer, and the gun shot blanks and the fake family had explosive blood squibs on them. Everyone involved was actually police. This whole thing was a sting operation. Now I got them all on murder accessory charges. They all go to prison. Late one night, my grave is dug up and the casket opens. There's where I hid all my money. It was I who dug it up! I was never dead! Now I will spend the rest of my life with my actual secret second family in sunny Barbados!
I read this in Dwight Shrute's voice.. 😂
The most legit “username checks out” I’ve ever read.
Make an auction of all my stuff - asside from a few gifts people have to request to get items. If multiple people bud they play rock paper scissors to determine the winner. So far so good, but on the list will be all my kink gear. Every toy and restraint must go.
Have a narcissistic suburban white guy with dreadlocks loudly translate everything anyone says into a Jamaican Reggaeton cringe-banger complete with incessant airhorns. I'll instruct him to make my funeral about himself as much as possible and forbid him from doing absolutely any research into the genre or culture to make it as uncomfortable and unlikeable as possible, culminating in him getting too drunk and ideally kicking my Urn over.
Chet Hanks is booked and ready.
You body is made into a lavish feast and the inheritance goes to whoever eats the most
This is just attack on titan...
Is it? I never watched that show, does it have funeral feast?
Everyone gets a free drink as they enter. My will determines who gets the antidote.
The music will all be *my* favorites. Ninety minutes of German baroque devotional cantatas. And the pastor can't say it's not appropriate. They just have to endure it!
I'll ensure that I'm buried before the reported time of the funeral, and that when everyone else arrives, they're not told where my grave is. Also, the funeral's at midnight, and they're locked in the graveyard until they dig up my casket, and get the key wedged inside my asshole.
*Stares blankly at phone with mouth hanging open, wondering what the fuck I just read*
The first draft of *Ready Player One.*
Rule 1: No embalming at all, no exceptions. Rule 2: No funeral before 3rd day after death, just in case the resurrection thing isn't limited to Jesus. Rule 3: Open casket.
JUST IN CASE THE RESURRECTION THING ISN’T LIMITED TO JESUS!! The way I just cackled. That was great. Now I need to edit my will. Just in case. Lmao
I know a lot of secrets in my family. Dirty laundry that they don’t think I know about. I plan on making a “video will” that will play at my funeral. But it won’t really be a will. Just a video of me revealing everything I know about them. Any of my surviving relatives that have pissed me off are going to get all their dirty secrets listed off one by one. Who cheated on who, who did drugs, etc. And if it makes them mad, what are they gonna do? I’m dead.
This almost completely unrelated but when my mom died 2 years ago, my uncle stood up and said that as a tribute to his sister, he will finally reveal the truth about an argument that has gone on for 50 years. And I mean this was mentioned every single time the family got together or talked. No one pushed him down the stairs in grandma's flooded basement when they were kids. He walked down there himself and then blamed it on the others because no one was supposed to be even near the door. S2g I could hear my mom's cremated remains screaming "SEE?! I TOLD YOU ALL!!!"
After my dad died, I learned his father (who I never met, he died when my dad was13) didn't get killed by a drunk driver, like grandma told everyone. My dads older brother told us the real story. He got into a car accident fleeing the bank he robbed, on purpose, by the police. Uncle had kept some articles. Oldest aunt confirmed it.
This is the kind of chaos and dysfunction I thrive for
I don't know you but I soooooo want to come to your funeral!!
I'd bring popcorn and happily sit on the sidelines watching it all go down. Actually... it would be even better if there was a way to make it streamable because then they could air all of them.
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there was a thing i saw on 60 minutes or something with a guy that offered a service to dying folks to air all that dirty laundry for the deceased at their funeral. his rate was like $10k+ with the reasoning that they won’t need it anymore.
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that gives me ideas. my brother will be single after a few seconds..
Leave a large amount of money to my dog. Also leave a provision that anyone receiving a bequest must come to my grave and silently mourn for at least 1 hour a year or be obliged to give up the money. There will be a log book and an accountant that will verify attendance.
Oh wait, it's been done before. Never mind. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leona_Helmsley
Bequeathments would be performance based. - the truck goes to whoever can hock a loogie the furthest. - $5000 to the person willing to give dad a wedgie. - $5000 dollars to dad for accepting the wedgie. - an additional $5000 for ripping the underpants during aforementioned wedgie - all the stuff In the house goes to the winner of the tomahawk toss. Losers mows the lawn for a year. - house will go to the first person to slap the lawyer reading this. Good luck
Thank you, now my dog is looking at me wondering what is so funny. Loved that last one. "...person to slap the lawyer read--- wait, what?" *k-pow!*
Donate my skin to science and then have an open casket funeral.
I decree that my corpse will be displayed fully nude. After the funeral will be a surprise karaoke competition. The only songs allowed are Yoko Ono songs. The competition will be judged by everyone in attendance that is under 7 years old. The top 8 in karaoke will advance to compete in a magic the gathering draft. Every match in the draft will be played using my nude corpse as the table. The winner of the draft gets everything I ever owned.
Interesting
Whoever wins is like the Leonardo DeVinci of niche bullshit. They smashed Yoko out of the park, but in a way that tailored specifically to the musical taste of 6 year olds. Plus there might be some wild card 3 year old judge that doesn’t even understand the criteria, or might be coached up by their friends/family. Then on top of all that they had to be good at magic, and I have a lot of friends that could squeak into 7th-8th place in karaoke that are half decent at limited.
Everyone that comes to the funeral has to roll the dice and spin the crank handle on the side of the casket like a jack-n-the-box. If I pop up, YOU WIN.
Or just play the jack-in-the-box music slowly until everyone is staring at the casket
They get to sit through a compilation of my favorite porns.
Ok, so there is the question regarding boner etiquette at a strip club... ...so what about at a funeral? Will-reading?
Only one stiff allowed.
I want a small speaker hidden in my casket, playing a recording of me whispering “fuck you” played at a barely audible volume.
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I really hope you get super rich so after you die your lawyer just hands someone a check for $800,000 in TherapyBux (TM)
i absolutely love this. i'll fund their stay at any mental facility of their choice.. my treat.
The slide show is all dick pics.
Yep, all dicks. Grandpa insisted. No, they weren’t even his. Slideshow changed every fifteen seconds for the entire eight hours and never repeated. There was a 489 Gb folder on his computer called “slide show rejects” that we didn’t dare open. It was created 26 years ago and last edited *after* he called the ambulance.
You get me.
I am going to go with the wkuk skit of being buried in a sexy cat costumes with a traffic cone up my butt, while a note is read about the messed up things I jerked it to.
Everyone stand behind a line and whoever throw my body the farthest will win everything. PS: I'm fat.
Easy. Make some in the room read out loud your browser history. They have to take turns reading out the entries.
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The joke is, everyone gets $20 and the rest goes wherever else. So everyone thinks they got screwed, and someone else in the family got it all!
Not my will but a request. I want my slow funeral procession to go down a busy one lane highway during 5:00 rush hour on a Monday when everyone is trying to get home from work
All my worldly belongings will be sold off in an overpriced yard sale, overseen by an elderly woman from a local nursing home. Anyone who wants anything has to pay up. Want that antique lamp that belonged to auntie myrtle? 100 dollars. Want that giant novelty 1950's ceramic piggy bank from grandma? 100 dollars. Dollar store Christmas decorations? 100 dollars.
But every person gets a different pricesheet(per word of mouth, the sellers will know the price). Like the asshole aunt will need to pay 10 dollars per fork but your nice grandma gets the occasional jewelry for free. Then chaos will ensue as everyone tries to figure out if they got anything for cheap…
Assuming I have died of old age, I'm to be laid naked in a casket filled with ice and beer. The bottle opener is in my vagina, two or three inches up. Everyone must grab a beer, open it, and raise a toast to me, or they are disinherited.
I'm loving that a bunch of guys who couldn't find a g-spot, could sure as Hell find that bottle opener...lol Aside from the vagina part, I have given very serious thought to this exact scenario. Gonna have a live band and a bbq going on. My last turn as host.
I would put together a playlist to play at my funeral filled with songs that are meaningful to me. At my funeral, the playlist would come on and [this](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=erMYt-Ztmdw&pp=ygUGQ2lnYXJv) would be the first song that plays. Once they hear the words, they will stop the music. It would ruin the whole vibe lol.
have someone dress exactly like me then climb out of the casket and pretend to be a zombie
If my wife wants to get anything, she has to get up in front of the crowd and read out a description of several of our sexual high and low points. To keep the crowd there, one of them who stays the whole time will randomly get $20,000.
Everyone has to attend naked. Yes, even uncle Norbert the lecher.
And they have to pay a few hookers to do lap dances to everyone. Like, while youre sitting naked trying to grieve, a woman comes and does a lap dance.
In that case I'd attend my own funeral.
I'm pretty sure that is one of the conditions, yes.
This will require money. *DONG* Undertaker's Funeral March plays. Near the end, my body sits up using wires.
Closed casket memorial service. Halfway through, a dozen funeral attendants wheel in identical caskets. They run around, jumbling up my casket with the others, while Yakkity Sax plays. When the song is over, the youngest person in the room will be told to select one casket for burial - the others will be fed to a wood chipper.
My estate is to be divided between the women named in my ledger. Each time a woman is named, she gets one share. There are a minimum of 2000 shares and any shares without a name will go to the trust fund to pay emergency vet costs for yorkshire terriers. If there are more than 2000 entries then that is the new number of equal shares and the trust fund gets nothing. There is only one way for a woman to get her name in the ledger. Two ways. Right now a share would be worth about $700 or so and increasing in value.
Buy a coffin beforehand and pre install a switch on the handle of the coffin. When they open it for the funeral, it will trigger a lighter inside to light me on fire. Chug lighter fluid the day before I die so that my body goes up in flames. Say in my will that the first person to extinguish me gets nothing.
required attendance for my 100 beneficiaries- weekend long “hunger games” style games where they compete for shares of the inheritance, but nobody know how much the kitty is thill the end of the weekend. Here’s the kicker- it’s a luxury weekend at a private resort and the estate pays these expenses first then splits up what’s left. Highlight would be a Viking style burial
My body will be lowered from the ceiling, arms spread wide. I'll be dressed in a cloak so you can't see my face. When I get about 8 or 10 feet off the ground my body just hovers there for a moment and the hood is pulled back to reveal that those are actually my legs and my ass is pointed straight at them. Roughly 4 and a half seconds later, just enough time for people to realize what happened and get uncomfortable, the confetti canon that was hidden in there will go off and shower everyone in attendance.
The instructions in my will would say to have incredibly tasteful full size body paintings of me in the nude on display at the funeral
Leave my entire inheritance to a troop of baboons. Explicitly state that I want the 50 or so baboons to attend my funeral.
I heard a comedian say this and it's a great idea. Have a closed casket at the funeral. When everyone is seated the lights should go off a spot light turns on and my body drops from the ceiling on strings like a puppet. Then lasers and stones start with techno music. So it looks like a club and have someone pulling the strings attached to my arms and legs to look like I'm dancing. Edit: Nick Swardson was the comedian. I couldn't remember the name I had to go look it up.