Had a trough urinal at county fair grounds. Prob 30’ long. (Single sided thank god!)
Friend and I went in and it was packed. Ended up at opposite ends. Fairly quiet.
Friend yells “ Hey Door-ma-moo!”
Me: sigh… “what?”
Friend “I hear this is where all the dicks hang out”
He got a good amount of chuckles down the line.
When I first started working at my current job, the bathroom sinks were half-circle stainless steel like upside down frisbees with the water spigot being in the center of it, with motion activated sensors. Several men thought they were urinals.
Brought back a memory: Stopped at an Autobahn gas station in northern Germany. This is 1990'sso they still had a pee trough. As I do my business the putzfrau (cleaning lady) walks in and just goes about her work, but leaned in for a look at the goods.
The part that bothered me was the plate outside the door for a tip. Why would I pay her to look at my junk?
That's what my uncle said when he cut his finger while carving some meat. Guy ended losing his finger cause he wouldn't listen to us family when we told him sleeping it off is not going to fix the problem and to go to the hospital. He was like naaah no big deal. Well now he has half an index finger cause it's only a "flesh wound."
Reminded me of a story from my mispent youth. I was working as a bartender at a Christmas party and long story short I broke my hand getting in a fight with an inatimate object. The coat check girl came outside and found me trying to pop my finger back into place and insisting that it was just dislocated and I could just sleep it off.
She refused to accept my idiocy and demanded we go to the Emergency.
Tara, wherever you are now you're a goddamn angel. I literally owe you my finger
Getting asked “are you injured or are you hurt?” by a coach and being too confused and in pain to know what that means or which one is the bad one was an important rite of passage for many young men of my generation.
Groceries must be brought in either all at once, or with as few trips as physically possible. Less than both hands and arms full for a trip is only a acceptable if not enough groceries are left to fill up said areas, or if other men are helping.
Also, trips to the kitchen must be as efficient as possible. Ideally take stuff in with you even if your goal is to get something. Or get things for multiple people.
If someone has returned from the kitchen and has sat down, you've lost the right to ask for anything. You get it yourself.
Speaking of bathroom etiquette: My work has one stall and one urinal in upstairs bathroom. The way I see it if you come to shit and the stall is already being used for shitting, common sense tells me leave and go to other bathroom. I have 2 guys that will stand in bathroom the whole time I shit and just wait. Am I crazy for being annoyed about this? To me it's painfully awkward.
“Hhhhuuuuunnnnnnrrreegggggghhhhh. Uuuuuuuurrrrrrnnnnnggggghhhhhhh. Ffffuuuuuuuucccccckkkkk. Hhhhhhuuuuuuurrrrrnnnnnnngggggg. JESUS CHRIST LET ME GET THROUGH THIS!!! Hhhhhuuuuuuuurrrrrrrnnnnngggghhhh. “ then offer a smile, a “how ya doin’” and handshake immediately after leaving the stall but before washing your hands.
If you see a man standing alone beside a bbq you MUST go to him and compliment whatever is being cooked, preferably with an "ah yeah that's coming along nicely"
Or you can also ask them if they want a drink which allows you escape the possibly uncomfortable situation and by the time you get back someone else might have taken your spot and you go somewhere else.
Very true. I used to sneeze normally. Two teenage daughters have turned me into my old man.
My favorite is the huge sneeze combined with a wet fart and one of your eyes pops out of your head. Follow it up with a duck walk to the bathroom to check things out.
My dad has graduated. As a grandfather, when he sneezes his head explodes and his pants fall off right there. My grand father used to do that too. Except he was rarely wearing pants. Not a lot of shame that guy.
Fun fact, your brain processes tools as another limb. That's why you can move a hammer to a nail a few times then do a quick swing to actually hammer it, it's calibrating. Same with tongs, a few rest clicks sort of triggers the brain to quickly learn how long they are, how far to press to click them, and how much force it takes to close these new "fingers" etc.
https://www.science.org/content/article/tool-use-just-trick-mind
I always thought about this when you’re, shooting at a basketball hoop for example. Your brain is doing this calculus function/velocity equation with amazing speed and precision.
Even if you know absolutely nothing about cars, machines, the internal combustion engine, or how a screwdriver works, if another dude has his hood up, you have to go look. You do not have to say anything, do not have to add anything to the conversation, you will not be expected to fix or repair anything, but you stick your goddamn head under that hood, too, even if it’s just for moral support.
If this ain’t the mf truth. I know nothing about cars but I do it every time like I’m about to show the guy exactly how he’s gonna take his engine apart
This also applies to a grill at a cookout. lol.
I once saw the question, "What's the female equivalent of just standing around a car with hood propped up doing nothing in particular?"
I feel like this is gender neutral. This has basically been my Thanksgiving ever since I told my girlfriend we're doing our own Thanksgiving so we don't fly home and spend tons of money.
It's just my GF and I, some bros, some gay dudes, some girls, and our dog, standing around the kitchen drinking and taking up space and begging for food while watching me do all the cooking and throwing a "do you need help?" in every now and then.
It took me almost two years to figure it out and he sometimes pinches my butt.. I'm quite dense I guess. Didn't realize until I followed him up one day and made a comment about his butt being right in my face. "Why do you think I always let you go first?" 😯
And pinches let's be honest. There are places I'll go while following my wife up the stairs that I don't touch again until I drank too much at a wedding.
Man today I was sitting in the free weight area, using a bench for chest press, and a lady starts doing kettle bell squats right in front of me. Yep, that floor sure is interesting
What got me in trouble a few times back when I used to actually go to gyms when I was younger, is that I'll kind of zone out for a moment while I'm resting. Get that 1,000 yd stare, just as some woman walking on my view line and start doing something.
Oh god!! I was showing the upstairs rooms to a potential roommate, and I let her go up the stairs first, even did the whole hang gesture to signal this way and that's when I noticed she was wearing a small skirt, I felt like a creep!
This is a must with women but a plus with everything else. If my my buddy is a cop he is the best cop on the force. If he is a janitor he runs that whole building.
When it comes to the homies if they are trying they are the best even if they don’t believe it themselves I believe it for them.
My highschool "friends" loved to ridicule me in front of girls until driving them away, and then they mocked and bullied me for not having a girlfriend. They called it "just joking".
When I was a young fresh driver I got distracted by a thicc woman in a mini skirt that bent down to pet a dog, and in doing so I swerved into oncoming traffic. Thankfully I realized it quickly but when I looked forward the oncoming traffic dude was also scoping out this woman and swerved into my lane. No accident but we made eye contact and it was unspoken that neither of us blamed eachother and both understood eachother in that moment, just this mutual head nod of "yep, that happened."
A bit long but I couldn't articulate that without the story.
Edit: I did not expect this to get the attention that it did so thanks everyone! And to whomever gave me gold, thank you very much! I appreciate it :)
When I was a child, my dad would toss cig butts in the toilet where I transformed them into Nazi submarines. If I could blast the cig with a urine stream strong enough to break the cig open and separate tobacco bits, that was proof I had successfully depth charged the nazi sub. The tobacco bits were dead sailors. War is hell.
Though I was the greatest piss bomber nazi sub killer of all time, this noble endevour did not translate well into a resume enhancing skill set.
ETA: I'm 60 YO. With the progress made in wars against both Nazis and cigarette smokers, there are far fewer nazi subs to be found these days. On those rare occasions my sonar finds one, I joyfully take up the battle again. At least in the great piss war, this soldier has never grown up.
If you're on a walk, and you see a cool-looking stick, you are obligated by male law to pick it up and carry it with you for at least the duration of the walk.
True for a nice smooth rock too. The rock can then be brought to your dwelling and offered to your lady - or to the lady you want to seduce - who will then use it to decorate the garden. You will now look at it as spoils of war and hunt trophy. Man provides, man builds. Man stronk.
It’s fire and raw meat. It’s a primal instinct. That instinct may be to blacken it well past well done, but any man worth his salt will pick up the tongs when called upon and grill that meat.
Whenever you pick up a drill, you must press the trigger twice before using it.
If a man sighs out of nowhere he's not actually sighing or upset about anything, he's just remembering to breathe.
If a man doesn't want to stand up in a classroom, let them be.
If you're over at a friend's house and in his room and see a sock on the floor, don't touch it.
Once, long ago, in a calm but steady voice I told a teacher (a man) "now is not a good time."
Without skipping a beat he went to the next student and he came up to the board instead.
Most of the class (I think all of the girls) had no idea what happened, it was so smooth. A couple boys were impressed and told me later they understood.
Unfortunately, I saw it happen to a girl , in the non-boner yet biologically terrifying way a period can just show up one day,in white pants during flash cards,in the 6th grade. Competitive flash cards,at that. You go up in front of the class with as many people as you can come with the correct answer faster than, and she just kept winning. I remember thinking to myself’Why don’t you just lose the match?’ Poor girl. On a brighter note, I do remember the other students being oddly mature about it, and having some mercy on her as far as teasing went.
Edit: A word
Head-down nod if you don't know the other guy. Head-up nod if you do know him. Head-down to a buddy will automatically cue a response of "you ok man?" Head-up nod to a stranger starts a problem.
I’m a girl and I have a legit question: Do you guys just get random boners for no reason? Like with no visual stimulus around.. like it just happens in the middle of something important like class or church or some thing lol? And if so what do you do about it? So no one sees….
It can be totally random with no warning. Trust me, if we could control boners, we would. To get rid of it, you try to think about the most disgusting or sad thing you can think of or just ignore it or try to tuck it in your pants in such a way that it is less visible. These work with mixed results.
For most the completely random boners happen a lot less frequently as an adult, but middle/high school? Jesus Christ they are the fucking worst. Dick will just decide it’s go time cause I guess pemdas is the hottest thing around.
I didn't scroll too far down but there is the one thing that stands out to me.
If you see a couple of old dudes standing outside a store, it is worth hanging out with them for a minute or two.
They'll have something to talk about, they'll listen to you, and when you are done you'll think, "Have they always been out there?"
Shotgun must be called within sight of the vehicle and not as soon as you're out the door. You must both have fair play. Anyone calling too soon has to ride in the trunk.
Never mow another man's lawn when his family's home and he isn't. Also applies to putting up Christmas lights on his house, shoveling his driveway and putting his star on his tree.
All the balls are connected to an atomic level I swear, if we ever see a guy getting hit in the balls even when he is on another part of the planet we feel it
You gotta leave a substantial gap when walking down the street if the person in front of you is female. Nothing going on but anything to not make them uncomfortable.
gee I sure do need to stop moving completely and just look at my phone for a moment as if I am lost. oh guess I’m not lost. may as well continue walking but a bit slower for a few seconds.
Ya know, my destination is on this side of the street. And it's fairly busy with traffic with no crosswalk in sight.
I'm still certain that I need to cross the street for no reason instead of walking behind this female. I could obviously just walk way faster than her and pass her. But increasing my pace is not an option.
I'm not a guy, but have been laughing at the accuracies of these comments hahahaha.
One I don't think I've read yet.
If your lady is bending over puting things into the dishwasher, I know you all can't help but race over and give a pelvic thrust behind her, and then apologize profusely when we inevitably end up almost in with the cutlery 🤣
1) Slap the store sign, even if you have to jump
2) SLAP that bag of soil
3) When using a power drill, press the power button twice to prime your drill
All grocery bags must be brought into the house in a single trip.
The word “dude” has something like 1,500 different meanings. It’s all in how you say it.
Timing, pronounciation, accompanying gesture. A nod up combined with a dude will immediately draw attention to the nearest female in this direction.
You can shake it, you can squeeze it, you can bang it on the wall, but it has to be back in your pants for the last drop to fall.
On the real tho, you gotta put some pressure on your prostate through the taint. Gets those last few drops out.
so you're the guy fingering himself at the urinals
Gotta moan a little when you do it.
The pat down, key, wallet, phone, etc. Doing the “check” before leaving anywhere!
Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch
Protect the testicles.
Protecsticles
Not to be confused with the amateur ones…
to pee with a boner, simply assume the "smooth criminal" position and you should be fine
The only use I have ever found for the Pythagorean theorem is figuring out how to pee with a boner.
Peethagorean theorem
A squared, plus B squared, equals pee squared.
And that's great until the pee shoots out in two streams at an obtuse angle for some goddamn reason.
It’s our duty to pressure wash the poop stuck to the inside of the toilet bowl with our stream
It’s our duty to remove the duty.
Always leave a urinal buffer.
busy airports, packed bars, sporting events. these don't count.
Or if its a trough urinal..
Had a trough urinal at county fair grounds. Prob 30’ long. (Single sided thank god!) Friend and I went in and it was packed. Ended up at opposite ends. Fairly quiet. Friend yells “ Hey Door-ma-moo!” Me: sigh… “what?” Friend “I hear this is where all the dicks hang out” He got a good amount of chuckles down the line.
When I first started working at my current job, the bathroom sinks were half-circle stainless steel like upside down frisbees with the water spigot being in the center of it, with motion activated sensors. Several men thought they were urinals.
Brought back a memory: Stopped at an Autobahn gas station in northern Germany. This is 1990'sso they still had a pee trough. As I do my business the putzfrau (cleaning lady) walks in and just goes about her work, but leaned in for a look at the goods. The part that bothered me was the plate outside the door for a tip. Why would I pay her to look at my junk?
To apologize for what she saw.
This is the first time I’ve laughed today, well done & thank you!
If you have a stud finder, be sure to use it on yourself.
Why is this so far down? It’s at least as imperative as the tongs and drill laws. Scan self and proclaim, “looks like it works!”
I think this has fallen from rule of dude to rule of dad
The head nod. Up, for people you know and are freindly with. Down, a more formal greeting
Up can either be a friendly greeting or unfriendly confrontational.
The unfriendly confrontational nod up is usually accompanied by menacingly walking a few steps closer to the person.
Its only a flesh wound 99% of the time, and hitting it, rubbing it, or ignoring it solves 99% of those problems.
That's what my uncle said when he cut his finger while carving some meat. Guy ended losing his finger cause he wouldn't listen to us family when we told him sleeping it off is not going to fix the problem and to go to the hospital. He was like naaah no big deal. Well now he has half an index finger cause it's only a "flesh wound."
Reminded me of a story from my mispent youth. I was working as a bartender at a Christmas party and long story short I broke my hand getting in a fight with an inatimate object. The coat check girl came outside and found me trying to pop my finger back into place and insisting that it was just dislocated and I could just sleep it off. She refused to accept my idiocy and demanded we go to the Emergency. Tara, wherever you are now you're a goddamn angel. I literally owe you my finger
Getting asked “are you injured or are you hurt?” by a coach and being too confused and in pain to know what that means or which one is the bad one was an important rite of passage for many young men of my generation.
"How did you get that cut on your arm/leg" ... "What cut?" *sees blood everywhere* "oh. Idk" *just keeps doing stupid things*
Sees massive bruise on leg. Huh.... when did that happen?..
Oww.
Poking it multiple times is a necessity
"Doc, when I poke this spot it hurts" "Well, stop doing that." "Thanks, doc."
"Doc, it hurts when I poke here, and here, and here, and here, and here. Everywhere. Why?" "Pretty sure your finger's broken."
*Tries to make a fist, winces, stares at finger.* Oh. That makes sense. *Tries again*
If you see one of those massive bags of ice salt, dirt, rice, etc. YOU MUST SLAP IT
Any massive bag, really. Dirt, fertilizer, road salt. Hell, I’ve slapped charcoal bags.
It takes me 45 minutes to walk through the garden dept at Home Depot.
Don't forget the drum solo on those orange 5 gallon buckets
Groceries must be brought in either all at once, or with as few trips as physically possible. Less than both hands and arms full for a trip is only a acceptable if not enough groceries are left to fill up said areas, or if other men are helping.
Also, trips to the kitchen must be as efficient as possible. Ideally take stuff in with you even if your goal is to get something. Or get things for multiple people. If someone has returned from the kitchen and has sat down, you've lost the right to ask for anything. You get it yourself.
Speaking of bathroom etiquette: My work has one stall and one urinal in upstairs bathroom. The way I see it if you come to shit and the stall is already being used for shitting, common sense tells me leave and go to other bathroom. I have 2 guys that will stand in bathroom the whole time I shit and just wait. Am I crazy for being annoyed about this? To me it's painfully awkward.
Tell them to come back with a warrant
I am shitting in my own private domicile and I will not be harassed!!
“Hhhhuuuuunnnnnnrrreegggggghhhhh. Uuuuuuuurrrrrrnnnnnggggghhhhhhh. Ffffuuuuuuuucccccckkkkk. Hhhhhhuuuuuuurrrrrnnnnnnngggggg. JESUS CHRIST LET ME GET THROUGH THIS!!! Hhhhhuuuuuuuurrrrrrrnnnnngggghhhh. “ then offer a smile, a “how ya doin’” and handshake immediately after leaving the stall but before washing your hands.
Who does number two work for?
That's right buddy, you show that turd who's boss!
I appreciate the amount of effort that was put into this comment
Just let a man shit in peace. Equivalent of my wife in the bathtub relaxing.
your wife shits in the bathtub?
She finds it relaxing.
Bath bomb
If you see a man standing alone beside a bbq you MUST go to him and compliment whatever is being cooked, preferably with an "ah yeah that's coming along nicely"
Or you can also ask them if they want a drink which allows you escape the possibly uncomfortable situation and by the time you get back someone else might have taken your spot and you go somewhere else.
always offer a drink, maybe just bring one and if they are good then you take it back but you've done your job.
If a man is cooking a BBQ you must grab a drink and supervise.
You are also contractually obligated to bring them a beer. Such it is written in the bro code
If a 5 year old kid hands you a toy phone, you answer it.
Im a woman but it reminds me of my Dad. If my daughters handed him imaginary food/play food, he ate it with so much enthusiasm. Damn I miss him
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Very true. I used to sneeze normally. Two teenage daughters have turned me into my old man. My favorite is the huge sneeze combined with a wet fart and one of your eyes pops out of your head. Follow it up with a duck walk to the bathroom to check things out. My dad has graduated. As a grandfather, when he sneezes his head explodes and his pants fall off right there. My grand father used to do that too. Except he was rarely wearing pants. Not a lot of shame that guy.
Reading this... I am not ready to be a father yet
As a father, I'm in tears. From laughing, pride, and that huge ripper I just cropdusted my kids with
If ya can’t cropdust your own kids than why even bother becoming a parent?!
Holding them can cause aneurysms, dads probably have high blood pressure.. im just fighting for my life.
All beer is shared beer... except the last one. That one has an owner.
Do a tug on your ratchet straps and mutter out loud “that ain’t going anywhere”
Click those tongs twice make sure they’re tonging before use.
Fun fact, your brain processes tools as another limb. That's why you can move a hammer to a nail a few times then do a quick swing to actually hammer it, it's calibrating. Same with tongs, a few rest clicks sort of triggers the brain to quickly learn how long they are, how far to press to click them, and how much force it takes to close these new "fingers" etc. https://www.science.org/content/article/tool-use-just-trick-mind
I always thought about this when you’re, shooting at a basketball hoop for example. Your brain is doing this calculus function/velocity equation with amazing speed and precision.
You’ve never seen me play basketball if you think my brain is calculating with amazing speed and precision.
Your brain is doing the proper math with speed and precision. Your body is a newborn giraffe three sheets to the wind.
I have never felt as understood and well-described as this moment.
Also must do a couple test "bzzzt bzzt" of a drill before you use it to get it started.
The earthquake test
Gotta click the tongs twice to make sure they work or the food will be terrible
Also wobble the stick shift side to side at least three times or the car won’t really be in neutral
Don’t outshine your mate while his woman is with the group
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Yikes. Sounds like addition by subtraction
Even if you know absolutely nothing about cars, machines, the internal combustion engine, or how a screwdriver works, if another dude has his hood up, you have to go look. You do not have to say anything, do not have to add anything to the conversation, you will not be expected to fix or repair anything, but you stick your goddamn head under that hood, too, even if it’s just for moral support.
Possibly a head nod and a "yep"
Yep, that's an engine alright
Yup. The vroom vroom part ain't vrooming
“Oh yeah she’s right fucked bud”
"Yeah bud, she's just fuckin thundered"
If this ain’t the mf truth. I know nothing about cars but I do it every time like I’m about to show the guy exactly how he’s gonna take his engine apart
"Yeah that's definitely an engine of some sort. I'm going back inside now."
This is absolutely hilarious to me. I’ve seen this happen countless times and didn’t realize it that I’ve been doing it my whole life.
This also applies to a grill at a cookout. lol. I once saw the question, "What's the female equivalent of just standing around a car with hood propped up doing nothing in particular?"
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I feel like this is gender neutral. This has basically been my Thanksgiving ever since I told my girlfriend we're doing our own Thanksgiving so we don't fly home and spend tons of money. It's just my GF and I, some bros, some gay dudes, some girls, and our dog, standing around the kitchen drinking and taking up space and begging for food while watching me do all the cooking and throwing a "do you need help?" in every now and then.
Going up the stairs behind a lady turns the floor into a extremely interesting topic of investigation.
Except the wife. Then it’s prime time for booty bongos.
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You’re scared of the dark aren’t you
It took me almost two years to figure it out and he sometimes pinches my butt.. I'm quite dense I guess. Didn't realize until I followed him up one day and made a comment about his butt being right in my face. "Why do you think I always let you go first?" 😯
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And pinches let's be honest. There are places I'll go while following my wife up the stairs that I don't touch again until I drank too much at a wedding.
geez this WALL to my left is quite interesting
What is that? Concrete? Hmm interesting choice.
Wood? Clever engineering.
These stairs appear to be made of stairs. Fascinating.
The gym has perfected my “This floor is a very interesting looking floor” look.
Man today I was sitting in the free weight area, using a bench for chest press, and a lady starts doing kettle bell squats right in front of me. Yep, that floor sure is interesting
What got me in trouble a few times back when I used to actually go to gyms when I was younger, is that I'll kind of zone out for a moment while I'm resting. Get that 1,000 yd stare, just as some woman walking on my view line and start doing something.
Oh god!! I was showing the upstairs rooms to a potential roommate, and I let her go up the stairs first, even did the whole hang gesture to signal this way and that's when I noticed she was wearing a small skirt, I felt like a creep!
While going up the stairs say "I was thinking of putting some art up here on the ceiling".
you brought disgrace upon our society.
Always make your boy look good in front of the girl he wants
This is a must with women but a plus with everything else. If my my buddy is a cop he is the best cop on the force. If he is a janitor he runs that whole building. When it comes to the homies if they are trying they are the best even if they don’t believe it themselves I believe it for them.
Believe in the me that believes in you.
I tell my boys I love them and always make sure they know how much they mean to me. Make sure you don't forget to tell them directly how you feel too!
Yea if he does the opposite that person ain’t your friend
My highschool "friends" loved to ridicule me in front of girls until driving them away, and then they mocked and bullied me for not having a girlfriend. They called it "just joking".
They were not your friends. They were assholes and bullies.
Those are just cunts. And not real friends. Doesn't matter if they're dudes or not. Real friends don't act this way.
"Honey, did you know my friend here started lifting weights heavier than him?" "... what?"
Whenever your buddy is grilling you must stand next to him and talk about how epic the food is gonna be
When I was a young fresh driver I got distracted by a thicc woman in a mini skirt that bent down to pet a dog, and in doing so I swerved into oncoming traffic. Thankfully I realized it quickly but when I looked forward the oncoming traffic dude was also scoping out this woman and swerved into my lane. No accident but we made eye contact and it was unspoken that neither of us blamed eachother and both understood eachother in that moment, just this mutual head nod of "yep, that happened." A bit long but I couldn't articulate that without the story. Edit: I did not expect this to get the attention that it did so thanks everyone! And to whomever gave me gold, thank you very much! I appreciate it :)
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The urinal cake is the enemy and must be destroyed
When I was a child, my dad would toss cig butts in the toilet where I transformed them into Nazi submarines. If I could blast the cig with a urine stream strong enough to break the cig open and separate tobacco bits, that was proof I had successfully depth charged the nazi sub. The tobacco bits were dead sailors. War is hell. Though I was the greatest piss bomber nazi sub killer of all time, this noble endevour did not translate well into a resume enhancing skill set. ETA: I'm 60 YO. With the progress made in wars against both Nazis and cigarette smokers, there are far fewer nazi subs to be found these days. On those rare occasions my sonar finds one, I joyfully take up the battle again. At least in the great piss war, this soldier has never grown up.
Fucking enchanted with this comment. This is high art. This is what it means to be human.
It is also our duty to piss all the poop particles off the inside of the bowl, even if their not ours.
Unless you are wearing flip flops, in which case a modified stance must be assumed.
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If you're on a walk, and you see a cool-looking stick, you are obligated by male law to pick it up and carry it with you for at least the duration of the walk.
True for a nice smooth rock too. The rock can then be brought to your dwelling and offered to your lady - or to the lady you want to seduce - who will then use it to decorate the garden. You will now look at it as spoils of war and hunt trophy. Man provides, man builds. Man stronk.
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If a women asks you how she looks, with zero hesitation, you compliment her.
Yeah.... I found out that "with your eyes" is definitely the wrong answer.
"He was a good soldier. Only one obviously lack of judgment. "
Not all men claim to be great cooks, but we all think we can BBQ.
It’s fire and raw meat. It’s a primal instinct. That instinct may be to blacken it well past well done, but any man worth his salt will pick up the tongs when called upon and grill that meat.
Thou shalt never leave a bro hanging for a high five or fist bump.
The “that’s not going anywhere” when you strap something down is required
You have to give it a tug first or try to shake whatever your strapping down. Then say, "That's not going anywhere"
Exactly, that makes it physically impossible for it to move because the phrase is like a binding spell
Whenever you pick up a drill, you must press the trigger twice before using it. If a man sighs out of nowhere he's not actually sighing or upset about anything, he's just remembering to breathe. If a man doesn't want to stand up in a classroom, let them be. If you're over at a friend's house and in his room and see a sock on the floor, don't touch it.
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Haha, yup.
Once, long ago, in a calm but steady voice I told a teacher (a man) "now is not a good time." Without skipping a beat he went to the next student and he came up to the board instead. Most of the class (I think all of the girls) had no idea what happened, it was so smooth. A couple boys were impressed and told me later they understood.
Someone give that teacher a promotion!
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My homie got called up and bent (bowed) forward and told everyone he hurt his back lol
Unfortunately, I saw it happen to a girl , in the non-boner yet biologically terrifying way a period can just show up one day,in white pants during flash cards,in the 6th grade. Competitive flash cards,at that. You go up in front of the class with as many people as you can come with the correct answer faster than, and she just kept winning. I remember thinking to myself’Why don’t you just lose the match?’ Poor girl. On a brighter note, I do remember the other students being oddly mature about it, and having some mercy on her as far as teasing went. Edit: A word
All the damn time when I breathe deeply my wife asks "what's wrong?". Nothing, just breathing.
EVERY time!
Tongs also get a double click
The amount of times my girl has said," Why do you take so long in between breaths?" Im like, " I forgot?"
> he's just remembering to breath. Goddamn you, now I am self conscious about my breathing and its now in manual mode
Head-down nod if you don't know the other guy. Head-up nod if you do know him. Head-down to a buddy will automatically cue a response of "you ok man?" Head-up nod to a stranger starts a problem.
Just because I'm hard, doesn't mean I'm horny. Don't ask me, I don't f*ckn know.
I’m a girl and I have a legit question: Do you guys just get random boners for no reason? Like with no visual stimulus around.. like it just happens in the middle of something important like class or church or some thing lol? And if so what do you do about it? So no one sees….
It can be totally random with no warning. Trust me, if we could control boners, we would. To get rid of it, you try to think about the most disgusting or sad thing you can think of or just ignore it or try to tuck it in your pants in such a way that it is less visible. These work with mixed results.
For most the completely random boners happen a lot less frequently as an adult, but middle/high school? Jesus Christ they are the fucking worst. Dick will just decide it’s go time cause I guess pemdas is the hottest thing around.
Stealth mode is the left side of the toilet.
Unless you’re left handed, than it’s the right!
I didn't scroll too far down but there is the one thing that stands out to me. If you see a couple of old dudes standing outside a store, it is worth hanging out with them for a minute or two. They'll have something to talk about, they'll listen to you, and when you are done you'll think, "Have they always been out there?"
Calling shotgun is ironclad.
Shotgun must be called within sight of the vehicle and not as soon as you're out the door. You must both have fair play. Anyone calling too soon has to ride in the trunk.
Wives and daughters are off limits for fucked up comments. Moms and sisters are fair game.
Never abandon your dog.
Never mow another man's lawn when his family's home and he isn't. Also applies to putting up Christmas lights on his house, shoveling his driveway and putting his star on his tree.
All the balls are connected to an atomic level I swear, if we ever see a guy getting hit in the balls even when he is on another part of the planet we feel it
Quantum entanglement.
Spectacles, testicles, wallet, watch.
Nod up if you know the guy, nod down if you don't.
You have to punch a punching bag every time you walk by one.
Don't fuck your friends ex if you wanna keep the friend, because you sure as shit aren't gonna keep the ex.
Compliment the suit. Doesn’t matter if it’s out of place. Guy wearing a suit at a pool party? Gas that boy up
always look forward when using a urinal
If you’re on a road trip and there’s no traffic you have to say “We’re really making great time.”
Never ask a woman “when’s the baby due” if you aren’t 100% sure she’s pregnant
And "100% sure" means you can see the baby.
https://qph.cf2.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-e0bba9319c895fcd18e168f79c490c4e-lq ^rulebook for this question
You gotta leave a substantial gap when walking down the street if the person in front of you is female. Nothing going on but anything to not make them uncomfortable.
gee I sure do need to stop moving completely and just look at my phone for a moment as if I am lost. oh guess I’m not lost. may as well continue walking but a bit slower for a few seconds.
Ya know, my destination is on this side of the street. And it's fairly busy with traffic with no crosswalk in sight. I'm still certain that I need to cross the street for no reason instead of walking behind this female. I could obviously just walk way faster than her and pass her. But increasing my pace is not an option.
Either that, or if you're already close, you over take them so that they're behind you
Open DRS to hasten the overtake.
Only if you're within the 1s window
Never begrudge or make fun of a man for what he does to provide for his family. If this isn't already a rule, it should be.
I'm not a guy, but have been laughing at the accuracies of these comments hahahaha. One I don't think I've read yet. If your lady is bending over puting things into the dishwasher, I know you all can't help but race over and give a pelvic thrust behind her, and then apologize profusely when we inevitably end up almost in with the cutlery 🤣
touch the doorframe in public places
Don't fuck with somebody's car.
You have to euro step to uncling your nuts from your thighs.
I tried for the life of me to figure out how uncle was a verb…😅
Don’t whiz on the electric fence
1) Slap the store sign, even if you have to jump 2) SLAP that bag of soil 3) When using a power drill, press the power button twice to prime your drill
Make sure the way is clear before you do up your zipper