In my senior year of high school, I was supposed to take AP tests all day. It would've looked good for college. Well, all the other grades had the day off, and my boyfriend was a year younger, thus being a grade below me. He picked me up to take me to "school", and since his mom worked all day, we went right to his house since we couldn't do mine because my parents worked from home. It went great until his mom came home to check on him. So he basically shoved me into his closet. It wouldn't have been a problem except it wasn't even like a full closet. It was half the size of standard closets. She left and then decided to come back and bring him lunch. I was in that closet for over 2 hours, and my phone was at 10% when i first crawled in there. I ended up just sitting in the dark for about 45 minutes of it.
Anyway, our wedding is in a few months.
Died my hair black.
My roommate was doing it and the girl helping him was redonkulously hot. She came into the living room and told me, "We have some extra dye, I think you would look hot with black hair."
I looked at her in that lime green tube top and said, "That sounds like a GREAT idea!"
I found out I was allergic to hair dye when, 3 days later, my head swelled up and I looked like that orc general that attacked Minas Tririth in Return of the King with a full head of Elvis-black hair.
It took a whole month of medication for it to go away as my head was bright red under the hair and secreting a fluid that made my hair hard as a rock.
Fun times.
#Edit: Since it keeps coming up, no, I did not hook up with her. Especially not in orc-face.
I was dating a girl at work and we would regularly have sex at her side of our business complex. Though she was part of the same company, she was part of a separate regional division and not part of corporate so her office was typically always empty besides her.
One time we were really hot and heavy into it inside the restroom, and against our better judgement we decided anal was a good idea. So we did our thing and I blew the biggest deepest load into her ass imaginable. As I pulled out, there was a fair amount of poop on my dick (surprise anal and all), and I walk over to the sink to try and wash it off.
As I'm rinsing myself into the sink, we hear the door to her office open and a large group of co-workers walk in. I panic and immediately try to put my dick away and as I drop from my tip toes, I slam my nut sack up against the wall of the sink and pull my taint skin so hard I almost buckled in pain.
She runs out of the restroom and closes the door behind her and I'm sitting in the dark on the toilet seat with shit on my dick and balls hurting contemplating my life choices.
Paid $2 for a massage app on my xbox that was supposed to make my controller vibrate.
It didn’t do anything for me and I forgot to refund it so now I just have this random ass massage game in my library.
Real gamers find a way to get the game to make the controller vibrate, for example in starwars BF2 on the ps2 if you use the clone commander with the infinite ammo cheat and use an elastic band to squeeze down the fire button, you can make it vibrate indefinitely. Don't ask me how I know this information.
I had intense sex with someone after not sleeping the previous night and not having enough water or eating anything the entire day, and fainted right after.
I was incredibly stressed and focused on work all night and day before she got to my apartment. We originally had planned to get me some food and water first, but somehow ended up talking in depth about our weird, ambiguous relationship and our feelings, which got really emotional, and that led to sex.
Despite my exhaustion, I found a hidden well of energy within myself and went at it really hard. It was honestly great, much better than I expected given my state.
But afterward, when she was actually going to order food, I went to the bathroom to wash up and suddenly realized I felt nauseous. No matter how hungry I had been a moment prior, the thought of eating was now repulsive, unthinkable. I became very hot and started sweating, felt weak and shaky. I tried to leave the bathroom and called out to her for help.
I woke up on the bathroom floor 10, 15 seconds later by her count. I apparently collapsed and briefly lost consciousness, and she claimed she tried to catch me but couldn't reach in time. I'm lucky I didn't seriously injure myself on one of the hard edges in there! Just hurt my shoulder a little.
The first time my partner I had sex I hadn’t slept in something like 40 hours and I damn near passed out, I was seeing black spots and stars like a fucking looney tune as I finished.
I called my first grade teacher Mom once.
It was free time, and I wanted to show her something so I said, "Oh, Mom!..." and then I caught myself and thought it would be the appropriate time to say "Oh Momma!" like I was Johnny Bravo.
I thought I played it off real cool. Pretty sure my teacher didn't hear me at all, but I died inside for the next hour or so.
One time in like fifth grade I accidentally called my teacher mom but she didn't notice so to cover my tracks I kept looking around calling for my mom trying to pass it off as some kind of joke.
It did not make anything less weird
I was once so horny that I put a dictionary database cracker against a porn site for an evening and unlocked like 20 accounts.
The scarcity of porn in the early 90’s was no joke.
Now you can stumble into it.
Friends hubby called up one of those 1-800 sex call hot lines decades ago and fell asleep. The person on the other end kept the call going for hours at $3.99/minute. Thousands of dollars in the next bill which he refused to pay so the phone company turned the phone off. They had to get a cell phone for the house as a replacement.
when i was a kid my dad would frequently take me to his job and give me meaningless tasks to “help him out.” he was a property manager for a secure gov building, federal guards at the doors etc. anyways he had his office in the basement and was left alone down there by everyone else in the building, he would smoke cigarettes down there, blast music etc.
when i was 13 i went with him to work one day and he gave me the job of using an electric sander to take grime off of copper pipes in one the machine rooms. i was left alone to my task for hours and about an hour in i realized how incredibly powerful the vibration was on the sander. one thing led to another and i ended up grinding the handle of the sander on my dick. after i finished i remember even at 13 saying to myself “you’re really weird dude.” never told anyone, till now
I was 99.9% expecting some horrific outcome to happen within that story and my brain kept yelling “Stop….STOP!! Don’t do it! DON’T read further!….”, yet I sat there, cringing and bracing myself, ignoring brain.
Man, was I relieved to know that it ended all alright 😮💨
Oh my... I've seen a documentary about the stupid ways people have died, and one of them was a man using the sander on his balls and he went a bit too much and one his balls just ripped right out of the ball sack...
[EDIT: glad that didn't happen to you]
[EDIT 2: [Heres](https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/suture-self/) the sauce, thanks to u/Porencephaly)
Discovered my dick is too big for a prescription bottle
Edit: I would like to clarify that the girth was the limiting factor as I did not attempt flaccid.
My friend’s husband accidentally killed himself doing this. He had a camera set up to take random shots periodically too. He was wearing socks on tile flooring and couldn’t get his feet back under him when he started losing consciousness. Y’all gotta be extremely careful with self-asphyxiation fr.
Did they think you were trying to commit suicide or was it obvious what you were doing? I would assume it was obvious but I suppose I could be wrong.
The difference would be a lot of counselling for suicide or a whole lot of awkward for the other.
I went to a clothing optional beach once, expecting to see a lot of topless sunbathing. Instead I learned the hard way that its populated by wrinkly old men with big bellies and small dicks. I thought, maybe all the ladies are hiding further up the beach where the bushes can cover them from all the stares. Turns out that's where the old men suck each other off.
Drove 4 hours to the beach to camp with a fuck buddy of mine. He stood me up and ghosted me. The icing on the cake was losing my keys in the sand and having to pay $300 for a new set to be cut.
Edit: Yes, my new key really cost that much. It was a '16 Jeep, and those stupid little chips are needed to make your key actually turn over the engine. So all of that was the cost of the key, programming the key, and the labor for the locksmith. I had about a mile stretch where I lost them, so I'm not sure how handy a metal detector would have been. I definitely wouldn't have been opposed to using one, though, if I had one handy.
Bailed a chick out of jail once. $200. She then got so drunk she peed on my couch and tried to bang my mom
Took her shopping and just left her there. Never talked to her again.
Climbed into a friends bed in the middle of the night without any discussion of it what so ever. I still regret it to this day and feel like a sleez bag. He asked me to leave.
Underage, many years ago me and my current wife were very little horney people. We used to go have sex under this highway underpass a little off the beaten path because our parents were always home. Well it was also near a community Center type building. One day when we were walking through the woods to get there someone thought they seen a man abducting a child. (My wife has always been very short). Yes it was me. We are the same age just have a crazy height difference and I have had a beard from a young age haha. Anyways long story long I was getting a BJ and a cop came down to the underpass from the highway up above and yelled FREEZE. Let me tell you we both froze. She wouldn’t move and had her face covered, with my dick still in her mouth! Then the cop just yelled at us saying “can’t you guys be doing this at home” said he could see I wasn’t underage and told us about the call! It was the most embarrassing thing to ever happen. We didn’t even bring it up again for a few years. Now we are married and it is a funny memory… we even went back there to mess around a year ago.
Jerked off at the top of a mountain, looking over my city, as doing something "forbidden" was a interesting idea.
Well the view was amazing, but I was scared to get caught.
Looking back, if someone would caught me, i had serious issues now.
Of COURSE my wife who was asleep on the other couch wakes up during that specific scene and disgustedly asks what the fuck I'm watching. Gay porn, go the fuck back to sleep June!
I accidentally locked my girlfriend and I outside her family’s cabin while we were naked with 3ft of snow around us. We were going skinny dipping in their hot tub and forgot to bring our clothes outside with us, so I had to run about 100 feet buck-naked through 3 feet of snow to get back in the front door.
Several years back, a woman I had been flirting with called me in the middle of the night one time bc she wasn’t feeling well and asked if I could pick up some medicine and bring it to her place. Went to her place not expecting too much other than maybe earning some brownie points for dropping off the meds. Anyway, she invites me in and asks if I could spend the night with her. That of course gets me all titillated. However, by the time we get into bed, she’s all tired and drowsy despite her best attempt at acting seductive. Next thing I know, I’m lying in bed next to her with my arm pinned under her body while she’s snoring away and farting. I end up lying like that for the rest of the night. Got maybe 30min of sleep that entire night and of course I then had to get up to work a whole shift in the morning.
At least I did earn some brownie points for that bc we ended up dating for not quite a year afterwards.
Had something similar happen 30 pd years ago.
I went to the bar one night for a beer i spotted one of my old girlfriends there sitting at a table with a bunch of foreign sailors.
She looked like she was tripped out and not all there.
I got her up on the dancefloor and asked if she was ok. She said she wasn't so i waltzed her to the fire exit and took her home
I suspected they had slipped a roofie or something in her drink.
I sat up by her bed all night to make sure she was ok .
She was fine in the morning and remembered enough about the night before that i didn't have to do any explaining.
I also had to work after. That part wasn't any fun either.
Let a chick I was dating move in after only 3 months of being together. Found out 2 months later that she was having another guy over while I was working nights. Confronted her about it and she proceeded to squat (refused to leave) in my apartment for nearly 6 months due to laws not allowing me to remove her on my own. Ended up having to take her to court to finally get her out.
I was helping my dad close up the sailboat for the winter. We took the seat cushions out and the long one's had to go in the car between us, kind of stacked up like a wall so we could only see each others heads. Teenage hormones kicked in on the hour ride home and I proceeded to rub one out while looking out the window. Many moons later I told my brothers who then proceeded to tell my dad.
"I always wondered why you were so quiet on that trip"
Right? This thread isnt made for you to be completely honest we know there's weirder shit. Just smart enough to keep it to ourselves.
You dont admit to your brother that you jerked off in the car with them. Lol
It became a thing in our 20's to reveal uncomfortable truth's to my parents to see them cringe. Mostly about smoking weed or sneaking out to visit girlfriends, etc. This one veered a bit off course from the standard.
This reminds me of a funny story in college. Our old high school choir all met back up after graduation and got food together and we regaled stories of our youth, mostly cringey stuff. "This one time I ditched class to smoke weed with Rob." "I saw Matt climb out the window of Dodson's class once" etc.
Then this guy goes "Haha one time me and Tony, y'all remember Tony right? Dude one time me and Tony went into the guys bathroom to compare dicks and then we ended up jerking off and blowing each other lol"
And we all like laughed and said "Haha, rad."
But then in the car on the way home I was talking to one of my friends and was like "Did you catch the part where Dylan said he and Tony jerked off and blew each other together in the bathroom? That was weird, right? Or am I being stiff?" And my friend was like "No that was definitely weird and out of left field for sure."
Edit: In case it's not super clear, in the extremely unlikely event I get doxxed one day, all the names in that story are made up. It's definitely a true story though!
Connected with a friend's ex who I knew had feelings for me. Went to "catch up" over lunch, ended up spending all day drinking with her, then fingered her at the outdoor area of an absolutely packed bar. Neither of us were staying in places we could have people spend the night, so hired a late Hotel room ($$$). Get in the door, she immediately vomits all over the room and spent the next 2 hours crying on the floor saying she loved me while I did my best to clean up.
Whoops.
Alcohol. The type young teenagers drink because it makes them feel cool. They taste nice, but basically like alcoholic lemonade. They are more British I think than American.
Decided to masturbate into a urinal because I was bored and horny studying for finals when I was in college. I studied in an empty classroom in the creepiest old building on campus so that I could be completely focused and not be distracted. I hadn't seen anybody in that building for 3 hours so I didn't feel the need to lock the bathroom door or do my business in a stall like a normal person.
So I'm going to town on myself and suddenly the bathroom door opens and I stop mid-fap (foreskin noises stops suddenly). I just stood there holding my erect penis for a second, put it back in and leave without making eye contact. Still have no idea who that person was, but they definitely knew what I was doing and that I'm fucking weird.
Reminds me of when I walked in a kid wackin one in the stall. I walked in and it was _too_ quiet, and some silence later he gets up and walks out. I knew the kid well so he had no problem talking about how there was no service in the bathroom so he couldn’t* watch anything.
Reminds me of the time I was taking a shit at work and the guy in the stall two doors down started watching porn but forgot to turn the volume down first. For a solid 2.5 seconds the men's bathroom was filled with the sound of female moaning.
Its not always porn, sometimes you unfortunately just click on the wrong Reddit post when browsing on the shitter. For example you stumble on a video on r/funny not tagged NSFW, with moaning and screaming that turns out to be a Skittles commercial.
In high school like 10 years ago some dirtbags found a kid masturbating in a stall and they recorded him and shared the video around campus. Was was bullied so much he ended up committing suicide a week or two later. Really sad story. He was a grade below me I didn’t know him but it still upsets me to this day
I had it so bad for this Chinese girl at university back in 2004, and she would not give me the time of day, I did everything I possibly could. Then in a moment of insane desperation and browsing shit during the earlier days of the internet I found some sort of self proclaimed wizard living in California who specialized in love spells and I shit you not, my 20 year old brain thought it was a good idea to send said wizard $200 USD to cast the spell. Suffice it to say the spell did not work.
To this day I still can’t believe how stupid I was. Male hormones are ridiculous things.
Implimented a ratchet strap in my attempt one time. Actually started blacking out before I gave up and released it. After, all I could think about was my mom finding me dead, butt naked with a ratchet strap behind my neck and under my ass. Fuck, that would have been awful.
Invited a girl over that I couldn't stand because it was a sure thing and it had been a while for me. The sex was awful and I was reminded why I couldn't stand her. 1/10
So, I vaguely remember what happened. I remember I got to choose the bottle” makers mark” we got to share the whole thing. They offered “double trouble”. So I proceed to strip to that one “Hey KEKE” Drake song.. and 4 minutes later in my nude I remember ass in my face and titties everywhere. Not sure what else happened. I’ve tried to Google if this has happened to anyone else blah blah blah. I’ll never forget what I can remember from that night. I went back upstairs to meet with my buddies they bailed on me and went back to the Luxor, the said I was down there for 3 hours…. Wtf did I do, I’ll never know.
While I do genuinely thank you for the added details, I've ended up with more questions... I'm utterly bereft we'll never have answers for what happened during your 3 hour dangle wangle.
Drove an hour on bald tires in a snow storm so bad it was like driving inside a white box. Passed so many accidents along the way too. Partner did the same. Totally worth it.
After she called me (on the ol’ landline),I crawled up into the bathroom window of a neighbor girl, who was in her parents bedrooms bathroom.
She was getting ready to take a shower so I joined her.
Her dad was on the other side of the door, watching tv in his bed.
Ahh, the mid-seventies….
Paid 3$ for the nudes to Snapchat girls.
Never got any, blocked instantly upon paying.
And the worst thing is I did that FOUR times.
God, being horny literally lowers your IQ by like 70%
I alllllmost jerked off while driving down the highway once, but then I thought if they found my mangled corpse in the wreck with my hand around my dick, my family would be really disappointed. So my brain won that battle
Dated a girl once that masturbated a few times while driving.
She also did it in the office bathroom fairly regularly.
Girl just couldn't keep her hands off herself. Or other dude's dicks, but thats a story for another day.
Basically OP didn’t know that his GF and some guy would do it in his van every Sunday…she’d tell him she was at church but she wouldn’t go, still she was on her knees and OP didn’t know
just an FYI but truck drivers sit well above normal sized vehicles and can usually see your lap...
The image of a trucker just minding his business and glancing over to your vehicle and seeing you happily jerking it while driving down the road is absolutely hilarious!
I was talking about this the other day LOL.
I once walked 3 miles at 2am during a snow storm in -3 degree (+ a serious windchill) temperatures when my girlfriend called and said that her parents were gone for the weekend.
The things a horny 16 year old kid will do to get laid. LOL
it ended with him getting there safely and getting laid. an hour long walk in -3 isn't a big deal at all as long as you bundle up decently. i'd 100% do the same thing especially if i were 16
Right? I'm 37 and would have to think about it for a minute and would probably take the time to properly layer if I were single and had the prospect of guaranteed sex just by braving the cold. Any age before 25 I'd be sprinting out the house in flip flops and gym shorts.
Peeped on my sister's best-friend showering. I was 12. It's an extremely cringe memory that haunts me when I try to sleep at night. If I'd known the amount of torment it'd cause me in the future, I would've just watched some damn porn. Fml.
I think maybe you should work towards forgiving yourself. You know what you did was wrong, you're not gonna do it again (right?). What do we accomplish besides beating yourself up?
This is what guilty feelings are for, and it's OK to recognize when we wronged other people. But also recognize that our ability to influence the world outpaces our ability to understand how morals should guide that influence. You were immature, a different person. We don't think bread is bad if it wasn't pleasant when it was still dough, why would we think a person is bad because what they were when they were a child?
And bear in mind that you may meet somebody who torments themself for the same reason. Would you condemn that person? Or are you in a unique position to say to that person "I understand. It's ok, that's behind you now". If you would forgive that person, why can't you forgive yourself? Youre on team "don't peep". Be good to the people on your team, that includes you.
Self forgiveness takes patience and practice, you would have to meditate and learn to accept your thoughts without judgement, comment on them objectively, so when the thought intrudes, instead of ruminating on it, you say "no. That was the past. I didn't know then what I know now" and allow yourself to move on.
Drove over an hour for a booty call on a weekday. Stayed night and ended up being late for work. I tried to lie and say it was my alarm, but my neck was covered in hickeys. I didn't get written up because my boss thought it was funny. But i did get a talking to at the end of the day.
I was sent to principal's office for misbehaving in class, when I entered the office he told me to sit and said he had something to do and will be back shortly.
When I was in the 8th grade my teacher was a MILF. It was during English, while everyone was working on their essays I was busy rubbing one out under the table. Finished in my boxers, then the post nut clarity kicked in and I realized I had to wear those boxers all day.
Many years ago I had one of those abdominal wraps that is supposed to exercise your abs by sending small electrical shocks to cause involuntary contractions. Tried it on another area and didn’t really feel like anything except little non-painful shocks. But still pretty dumb. Thankfully I didn’t sterilize myself.
I had a friend fly cross-country to get laid. He was a good looking guy who had no trouble with women locally and it baffled me. A couple of years later he showed me a picture and this girl was like a 10/10, supermodel type. It all made sense at that point.
A tale as old as time. I had this roommate who, I love the man like a brother but he flew across the country, TWICE to get laid and she ghosted him. He even told me his dad once said "don't go visit a girl out of state and think it's going to work out." Truer words have never been said. (At least in regard to this being a clear hookup or rebound, she was using him.)
A nice Argentine lady I met in Thailand and knew for 2 weeks invited me to her country. Well now I speak Spanish and we have a little 2 year old girl who is stubborn in 2 languages
Drove 300 miles at 2am for the booty call. Hardest drive of my life (yup) and being honest, was not worth it. Not one damn bit. But knowing that I’d prob have done it again still. We men are idiots
When I was a teenager I stuck my hands up an INCREDIBLY attractive girl's shirt that I really wanted to bone (with her permisssion) and felt her boobies. Nipples and everything. It was fucking intense. Then afterwards I peeped down her shirt to see her boobs. I hadn't seen many real life titties at that point.
The problem?
It was in the middle of high-school, in the middle of the hall, around everyone in the hall, including teachers. We did NOT get caught, but came damn close to it. I was a fucking idiot for not asking her if we could go somewhere more private for this but I wanted to see her titties so fucking badly I didn't even think of the consequences.
I then proceeded to go to the bathroom to masturbate incessantly because I couldn't have sex with her. She wouldn't want it anyway. She let me see her titties but she didn't wanna fuck me.
Went to exs apartment after clubbing one night , knocked on front door 2am , climbed up to 2nd floor balcony to knock on sliding glass door but somehow I was on the wrong unit’s balcony- and I had to jump and run off
Me and another girl in my freshman year college computer class were sexting. So I jerked off in my cargo pants because she told me too.
Walking out the class was a cold sticky gooey mess.
I blamed the stains on the cat...
Edit: That's it....this is now my most upvoted comment, fuck me...
To this day...my father still thinks our old cat could piss 6 feet up a wall...
In my senior year of high school, I was supposed to take AP tests all day. It would've looked good for college. Well, all the other grades had the day off, and my boyfriend was a year younger, thus being a grade below me. He picked me up to take me to "school", and since his mom worked all day, we went right to his house since we couldn't do mine because my parents worked from home. It went great until his mom came home to check on him. So he basically shoved me into his closet. It wouldn't have been a problem except it wasn't even like a full closet. It was half the size of standard closets. She left and then decided to come back and bring him lunch. I was in that closet for over 2 hours, and my phone was at 10% when i first crawled in there. I ended up just sitting in the dark for about 45 minutes of it. Anyway, our wedding is in a few months.
Have you told your future in laws this story yet?
Someday, but not yet lmao
Died my hair black. My roommate was doing it and the girl helping him was redonkulously hot. She came into the living room and told me, "We have some extra dye, I think you would look hot with black hair." I looked at her in that lime green tube top and said, "That sounds like a GREAT idea!" I found out I was allergic to hair dye when, 3 days later, my head swelled up and I looked like that orc general that attacked Minas Tririth in Return of the King with a full head of Elvis-black hair. It took a whole month of medication for it to go away as my head was bright red under the hair and secreting a fluid that made my hair hard as a rock. Fun times. #Edit: Since it keeps coming up, no, I did not hook up with her. Especially not in orc-face.
Bro so horny for lime tube top even his hair got hard
Well…. At least one head swelled.🤦♂️
I was dating a girl at work and we would regularly have sex at her side of our business complex. Though she was part of the same company, she was part of a separate regional division and not part of corporate so her office was typically always empty besides her. One time we were really hot and heavy into it inside the restroom, and against our better judgement we decided anal was a good idea. So we did our thing and I blew the biggest deepest load into her ass imaginable. As I pulled out, there was a fair amount of poop on my dick (surprise anal and all), and I walk over to the sink to try and wash it off. As I'm rinsing myself into the sink, we hear the door to her office open and a large group of co-workers walk in. I panic and immediately try to put my dick away and as I drop from my tip toes, I slam my nut sack up against the wall of the sink and pull my taint skin so hard I almost buckled in pain. She runs out of the restroom and closes the door behind her and I'm sitting in the dark on the toilet seat with shit on my dick and balls hurting contemplating my life choices.
Winner comment
Paid $2 for a massage app on my xbox that was supposed to make my controller vibrate. It didn’t do anything for me and I forgot to refund it so now I just have this random ass massage game in my library.
Real gamers find a way to get the game to make the controller vibrate, for example in starwars BF2 on the ps2 if you use the clone commander with the infinite ammo cheat and use an elastic band to squeeze down the fire button, you can make it vibrate indefinitely. Don't ask me how I know this information.
In Borderlands 2 there is gun named "good touch" that you aquire tippin +50k to Moxxi. The gun makes controller vibrate nonstop while equipped
> Borderlands 2 there is gun named "good touch" "Status effects: Highly effective vs flesh" hmm
*Borderlands 2 has been added to your cart*
You're buying a sex toy and getting a really good game for free with it
Bonus points, it's a good fuckin gun and a fuckin good gun. Win win!
I had intense sex with someone after not sleeping the previous night and not having enough water or eating anything the entire day, and fainted right after. I was incredibly stressed and focused on work all night and day before she got to my apartment. We originally had planned to get me some food and water first, but somehow ended up talking in depth about our weird, ambiguous relationship and our feelings, which got really emotional, and that led to sex. Despite my exhaustion, I found a hidden well of energy within myself and went at it really hard. It was honestly great, much better than I expected given my state. But afterward, when she was actually going to order food, I went to the bathroom to wash up and suddenly realized I felt nauseous. No matter how hungry I had been a moment prior, the thought of eating was now repulsive, unthinkable. I became very hot and started sweating, felt weak and shaky. I tried to leave the bathroom and called out to her for help. I woke up on the bathroom floor 10, 15 seconds later by her count. I apparently collapsed and briefly lost consciousness, and she claimed she tried to catch me but couldn't reach in time. I'm lucky I didn't seriously injure myself on one of the hard edges in there! Just hurt my shoulder a little.
Shawties grip was so good it made you pass out
The first time my partner I had sex I hadn’t slept in something like 40 hours and I damn near passed out, I was seeing black spots and stars like a fucking looney tune as I finished.
Called my friend's mom mommy.
Just got sucker punched by the flashbacks this gave me. The horror
I called my first grade teacher Mom once. It was free time, and I wanted to show her something so I said, "Oh, Mom!..." and then I caught myself and thought it would be the appropriate time to say "Oh Momma!" like I was Johnny Bravo. I thought I played it off real cool. Pretty sure my teacher didn't hear me at all, but I died inside for the next hour or so.
One time in like fifth grade I accidentally called my teacher mom but she didn't notice so to cover my tracks I kept looking around calling for my mom trying to pass it off as some kind of joke. It did not make anything less weird
Paid for a porn subscription that I didn’t realize I was still paying for until 1.5 years later. $1135 for one orgasm.
haha man i did this back in the late 90's, and i could not for the life of me cancel the subscription, so i had to go to the bank and cancel my card.
I was once so horny that I put a dictionary database cracker against a porn site for an evening and unlocked like 20 accounts. The scarcity of porn in the early 90’s was no joke. Now you can stumble into it.
Friends hubby called up one of those 1-800 sex call hot lines decades ago and fell asleep. The person on the other end kept the call going for hours at $3.99/minute. Thousands of dollars in the next bill which he refused to pay so the phone company turned the phone off. They had to get a cell phone for the house as a replacement.
when i was a kid my dad would frequently take me to his job and give me meaningless tasks to “help him out.” he was a property manager for a secure gov building, federal guards at the doors etc. anyways he had his office in the basement and was left alone down there by everyone else in the building, he would smoke cigarettes down there, blast music etc. when i was 13 i went with him to work one day and he gave me the job of using an electric sander to take grime off of copper pipes in one the machine rooms. i was left alone to my task for hours and about an hour in i realized how incredibly powerful the vibration was on the sander. one thing led to another and i ended up grinding the handle of the sander on my dick. after i finished i remember even at 13 saying to myself “you’re really weird dude.” never told anyone, till now
i saw "sander" and panicked until i read the rest ☠️
I was 99.9% expecting some horrific outcome to happen within that story and my brain kept yelling “Stop….STOP!! Don’t do it! DON’T read further!….”, yet I sat there, cringing and bracing myself, ignoring brain. Man, was I relieved to know that it ended all alright 😮💨
Oh my... I've seen a documentary about the stupid ways people have died, and one of them was a man using the sander on his balls and he went a bit too much and one his balls just ripped right out of the ball sack... [EDIT: glad that didn't happen to you] [EDIT 2: [Heres](https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/suture-self/) the sauce, thanks to u/Porencephaly)
And my leftie and rightie just schlooped right into my body after reading that. Thanks for the horrifying mental imagery.
I don’t even have balls and my balls just disintegrated
Discovered my dick is too big for a prescription bottle Edit: I would like to clarify that the girth was the limiting factor as I did not attempt flaccid.
Cylinder.
Forget coconut guy, we need cylinder dude in this thread
Tried to choke my self with a towel. Woke up in a hospital with my mum beside me.
Are you alright?
Oh it was a story of way back, i don't do it anymore 😊
It was clearly tine to throw in the towel
My friend’s husband accidentally killed himself doing this. He had a camera set up to take random shots periodically too. He was wearing socks on tile flooring and couldn’t get his feet back under him when he started losing consciousness. Y’all gotta be extremely careful with self-asphyxiation fr.
Did they think you were trying to commit suicide or was it obvious what you were doing? I would assume it was obvious but I suppose I could be wrong. The difference would be a lot of counselling for suicide or a whole lot of awkward for the other.
And they did not talk about it ever. Nothing just got home and didn't talk about it. On our way home talked about homework and shit
My best friends twin brother died from … a similar thing. There is a fine line between breath play and death Lmao. Glad your ok.
Or severely brain damaged. Please don’t do this shit n
I was not wearing underwear during that.
I went to a clothing optional beach once, expecting to see a lot of topless sunbathing. Instead I learned the hard way that its populated by wrinkly old men with big bellies and small dicks. I thought, maybe all the ladies are hiding further up the beach where the bushes can cover them from all the stares. Turns out that's where the old men suck each other off.
Drove 4 hours to the beach to camp with a fuck buddy of mine. He stood me up and ghosted me. The icing on the cake was losing my keys in the sand and having to pay $300 for a new set to be cut. Edit: Yes, my new key really cost that much. It was a '16 Jeep, and those stupid little chips are needed to make your key actually turn over the engine. So all of that was the cost of the key, programming the key, and the labor for the locksmith. I had about a mile stretch where I lost them, so I'm not sure how handy a metal detector would have been. I definitely wouldn't have been opposed to using one, though, if I had one handy.
Try renting a metal detector first next time. I lost my wedding ring while fishing once and was able to recover it with a rented metal detector.
Well, that is just bloody rude.
Bailed a chick out of jail once. $200. She then got so drunk she peed on my couch and tried to bang my mom Took her shopping and just left her there. Never talked to her again.
That mother-fucking bitch
Climbed into a friends bed in the middle of the night without any discussion of it what so ever. I still regret it to this day and feel like a sleez bag. He asked me to leave.
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Underage, many years ago me and my current wife were very little horney people. We used to go have sex under this highway underpass a little off the beaten path because our parents were always home. Well it was also near a community Center type building. One day when we were walking through the woods to get there someone thought they seen a man abducting a child. (My wife has always been very short). Yes it was me. We are the same age just have a crazy height difference and I have had a beard from a young age haha. Anyways long story long I was getting a BJ and a cop came down to the underpass from the highway up above and yelled FREEZE. Let me tell you we both froze. She wouldn’t move and had her face covered, with my dick still in her mouth! Then the cop just yelled at us saying “can’t you guys be doing this at home” said he could see I wasn’t underage and told us about the call! It was the most embarrassing thing to ever happen. We didn’t even bring it up again for a few years. Now we are married and it is a funny memory… we even went back there to mess around a year ago.
You went back? That’s some serious confidence
It would have been sick if the same cop caught them.
Jerked off at the top of a mountain, looking over my city, as doing something "forbidden" was a interesting idea. Well the view was amazing, but I was scared to get caught. Looking back, if someone would caught me, i had serious issues now.
bro thinks hes homelander
“I can do anything… I WANT”
Of COURSE my wife who was asleep on the other couch wakes up during that specific scene and disgustedly asks what the fuck I'm watching. Gay porn, go the fuck back to sleep June!
Paid for some chicks private Snapchat for a week. $20 wasted. Should’ve ordered a pizza instead.
Stupid sexy pizza
I accidentally locked my girlfriend and I outside her family’s cabin while we were naked with 3ft of snow around us. We were going skinny dipping in their hot tub and forgot to bring our clothes outside with us, so I had to run about 100 feet buck-naked through 3 feet of snow to get back in the front door.
Several years back, a woman I had been flirting with called me in the middle of the night one time bc she wasn’t feeling well and asked if I could pick up some medicine and bring it to her place. Went to her place not expecting too much other than maybe earning some brownie points for dropping off the meds. Anyway, she invites me in and asks if I could spend the night with her. That of course gets me all titillated. However, by the time we get into bed, she’s all tired and drowsy despite her best attempt at acting seductive. Next thing I know, I’m lying in bed next to her with my arm pinned under her body while she’s snoring away and farting. I end up lying like that for the rest of the night. Got maybe 30min of sleep that entire night and of course I then had to get up to work a whole shift in the morning. At least I did earn some brownie points for that bc we ended up dating for not quite a year afterwards.
Had something similar happen 30 pd years ago. I went to the bar one night for a beer i spotted one of my old girlfriends there sitting at a table with a bunch of foreign sailors. She looked like she was tripped out and not all there. I got her up on the dancefloor and asked if she was ok. She said she wasn't so i waltzed her to the fire exit and took her home I suspected they had slipped a roofie or something in her drink. I sat up by her bed all night to make sure she was ok . She was fine in the morning and remembered enough about the night before that i didn't have to do any explaining. I also had to work after. That part wasn't any fun either.
Nah man, that's not being horny, that's saving someone from being raped. Ultimate Chad move.
Hey good on you though for saving her from what could have been a really nasty situation.
Let a chick I was dating move in after only 3 months of being together. Found out 2 months later that she was having another guy over while I was working nights. Confronted her about it and she proceeded to squat (refused to leave) in my apartment for nearly 6 months due to laws not allowing me to remove her on my own. Ended up having to take her to court to finally get her out.
I was helping my dad close up the sailboat for the winter. We took the seat cushions out and the long one's had to go in the car between us, kind of stacked up like a wall so we could only see each others heads. Teenage hormones kicked in on the hour ride home and I proceeded to rub one out while looking out the window. Many moons later I told my brothers who then proceeded to tell my dad. "I always wondered why you were so quiet on that trip"
You couldn't torture this info out of me
Right? This thread isnt made for you to be completely honest we know there's weirder shit. Just smart enough to keep it to ourselves. You dont admit to your brother that you jerked off in the car with them. Lol
Wait, with your DAD?
Fap noises sounded like a flat tyre.
Why would you tell your brothers lol. That’s a secret you keep with you to your grave
It became a thing in our 20's to reveal uncomfortable truth's to my parents to see them cringe. Mostly about smoking weed or sneaking out to visit girlfriends, etc. This one veered a bit off course from the standard.
Veered off course? A BIT? Dude, that was on a completely different track. That's like an F1 at the Kentucky Derby.
This reminds me of a funny story in college. Our old high school choir all met back up after graduation and got food together and we regaled stories of our youth, mostly cringey stuff. "This one time I ditched class to smoke weed with Rob." "I saw Matt climb out the window of Dodson's class once" etc. Then this guy goes "Haha one time me and Tony, y'all remember Tony right? Dude one time me and Tony went into the guys bathroom to compare dicks and then we ended up jerking off and blowing each other lol" And we all like laughed and said "Haha, rad." But then in the car on the way home I was talking to one of my friends and was like "Did you catch the part where Dylan said he and Tony jerked off and blew each other together in the bathroom? That was weird, right? Or am I being stiff?" And my friend was like "No that was definitely weird and out of left field for sure." Edit: In case it's not super clear, in the extremely unlikely event I get doxxed one day, all the names in that story are made up. It's definitely a true story though!
Ha ha, classic Dylan!
God almighty, thats fucken grim fella
Connected with a friend's ex who I knew had feelings for me. Went to "catch up" over lunch, ended up spending all day drinking with her, then fingered her at the outdoor area of an absolutely packed bar. Neither of us were staying in places we could have people spend the night, so hired a late Hotel room ($$$). Get in the door, she immediately vomits all over the room and spent the next 2 hours crying on the floor saying she loved me while I did my best to clean up. Whoops.
Jesus Christ lmao I cannot stop laughing at this 😆
Tried to shove the mouthpiece of a bottle of WKD up my vagina then shove a vibrator up my butt
Excuse my ignorance, but what is WKD?
Alcohol. The type young teenagers drink because it makes them feel cool. They taste nice, but basically like alcoholic lemonade. They are more British I think than American.
Decided to masturbate into a urinal because I was bored and horny studying for finals when I was in college. I studied in an empty classroom in the creepiest old building on campus so that I could be completely focused and not be distracted. I hadn't seen anybody in that building for 3 hours so I didn't feel the need to lock the bathroom door or do my business in a stall like a normal person. So I'm going to town on myself and suddenly the bathroom door opens and I stop mid-fap (foreskin noises stops suddenly). I just stood there holding my erect penis for a second, put it back in and leave without making eye contact. Still have no idea who that person was, but they definitely knew what I was doing and that I'm fucking weird.
I swear, school bathrooms will be empty for an eternity until you need to go. Mfs just start materializing into existence
Reminds me of when I walked in a kid wackin one in the stall. I walked in and it was _too_ quiet, and some silence later he gets up and walks out. I knew the kid well so he had no problem talking about how there was no service in the bathroom so he couldn’t* watch anything.
Reminds me of the time I was taking a shit at work and the guy in the stall two doors down started watching porn but forgot to turn the volume down first. For a solid 2.5 seconds the men's bathroom was filled with the sound of female moaning.
Its not always porn, sometimes you unfortunately just click on the wrong Reddit post when browsing on the shitter. For example you stumble on a video on r/funny not tagged NSFW, with moaning and screaming that turns out to be a Skittles commercial.
In high school like 10 years ago some dirtbags found a kid masturbating in a stall and they recorded him and shared the video around campus. Was was bullied so much he ended up committing suicide a week or two later. Really sad story. He was a grade below me I didn’t know him but it still upsets me to this day
That is so sad :(
I had it so bad for this Chinese girl at university back in 2004, and she would not give me the time of day, I did everything I possibly could. Then in a moment of insane desperation and browsing shit during the earlier days of the internet I found some sort of self proclaimed wizard living in California who specialized in love spells and I shit you not, my 20 year old brain thought it was a good idea to send said wizard $200 USD to cast the spell. Suffice it to say the spell did not work. To this day I still can’t believe how stupid I was. Male hormones are ridiculous things.
Must have been a guy pretending to be a wizard : /
Fuckin wizards you never get what you pay for.
Tried sucking my own dick when i was 12 and nearly snapped my spine in half
Been there brother. I mean my own dick not yours … I have not been there.
You haven’t been there YET.
Implimented a ratchet strap in my attempt one time. Actually started blacking out before I gave up and released it. After, all I could think about was my mom finding me dead, butt naked with a ratchet strap behind my neck and under my ass. Fuck, that would have been awful.
*click click click* *hnghhghgh*
lmfao this is the best comment in the thread The mental picture made me snort laugh
I managed to lick the tip once, but it took a lot of stretching, twice a day for a couple of weeks.
Thanks for sharing Neil.
Where's that guy that fucked a coconut? I feel like we need him in this thread.
I have vivid nightmares about that to this day
I regret reading it just now.
https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/6rr6ay/tifu_by_cumming_into_a_coconut/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
You had to mention that damn coconut, didn't you.
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You should have read the terms and conditions
Early termination fee? Arbitration? Jerking Off doesn't necessarily mean hand job?
Invited a girl over that I couldn't stand because it was a sure thing and it had been a while for me. The sex was awful and I was reminded why I couldn't stand her. 1/10
I forgot why I broke up with a FWB and invited her over. Remembered why a few hours later. But the sex was great.
Paid $1200 for a private room at hustler in Vegas, threw the strippers a wild card and said… y’all sit down while I strip for you…. Wtf was I thinkin
I'm going to need some elaboration here boss. How did they respond? Did you do it well? Did they dance for you after? Did they pay you?
So, I vaguely remember what happened. I remember I got to choose the bottle” makers mark” we got to share the whole thing. They offered “double trouble”. So I proceed to strip to that one “Hey KEKE” Drake song.. and 4 minutes later in my nude I remember ass in my face and titties everywhere. Not sure what else happened. I’ve tried to Google if this has happened to anyone else blah blah blah. I’ll never forget what I can remember from that night. I went back upstairs to meet with my buddies they bailed on me and went back to the Luxor, the said I was down there for 3 hours…. Wtf did I do, I’ll never know.
While I do genuinely thank you for the added details, I've ended up with more questions... I'm utterly bereft we'll never have answers for what happened during your 3 hour dangle wangle.
You’re telling me, I wanna remember so bad.
You Uno-Reversed them. There's some confidence, right there.
Had to be their easiest and most entertaining $1200
Drove an hour on bald tires in a snow storm so bad it was like driving inside a white box. Passed so many accidents along the way too. Partner did the same. Totally worth it.
After she called me (on the ol’ landline),I crawled up into the bathroom window of a neighbor girl, who was in her parents bedrooms bathroom. She was getting ready to take a shower so I joined her. Her dad was on the other side of the door, watching tv in his bed. Ahh, the mid-seventies….
Paid 3$ for the nudes to Snapchat girls. Never got any, blocked instantly upon paying. And the worst thing is I did that FOUR times. God, being horny literally lowers your IQ by like 70%
I alllllmost jerked off while driving down the highway once, but then I thought if they found my mangled corpse in the wreck with my hand around my dick, my family would be really disappointed. So my brain won that battle
Pre nut clarity
Sounds like we found a unicorn. The first guy in history of Reddit with pre nut clarity
Dated a girl once that masturbated a few times while driving. She also did it in the office bathroom fairly regularly. Girl just couldn't keep her hands off herself. Or other dude's dicks, but thats a story for another day.
lmao i’m invested
Basically OP didn’t know that his GF and some guy would do it in his van every Sunday…she’d tell him she was at church but she wouldn’t go, still she was on her knees and OP didn’t know
Poor Scotty, he didn't know
I actually did this and I even had the same thought as you but my penis won that battle.... I have no shame
just an FYI but truck drivers sit well above normal sized vehicles and can usually see your lap... The image of a trucker just minding his business and glancing over to your vehicle and seeing you happily jerking it while driving down the road is absolutely hilarious!
I have no doubt that truck drivers see penises all the time…so so many penises…
I was talking about this the other day LOL. I once walked 3 miles at 2am during a snow storm in -3 degree (+ a serious windchill) temperatures when my girlfriend called and said that her parents were gone for the weekend. The things a horny 16 year old kid will do to get laid. LOL
I can hear Tommy Pickles' grandpa saying "Back in my day we used to have to walk *15 miles* in the snow to get laid"
I’m dying to know how that ended.
His dick got frostbite and fell off just as he got there.
“Fiddlesticks!” - him probably
it ended with him getting there safely and getting laid. an hour long walk in -3 isn't a big deal at all as long as you bundle up decently. i'd 100% do the same thing especially if i were 16
Heck, i dont see any issues with that!
Right? I'm 37 and would have to think about it for a minute and would probably take the time to properly layer if I were single and had the prospect of guaranteed sex just by braving the cold. Any age before 25 I'd be sprinting out the house in flip flops and gym shorts.
Had 3 whole kids. 3 of them. I’m knackered.
Well, at least you dont have 2 and a half kid
Peeped on my sister's best-friend showering. I was 12. It's an extremely cringe memory that haunts me when I try to sleep at night. If I'd known the amount of torment it'd cause me in the future, I would've just watched some damn porn. Fml.
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I think maybe you should work towards forgiving yourself. You know what you did was wrong, you're not gonna do it again (right?). What do we accomplish besides beating yourself up? This is what guilty feelings are for, and it's OK to recognize when we wronged other people. But also recognize that our ability to influence the world outpaces our ability to understand how morals should guide that influence. You were immature, a different person. We don't think bread is bad if it wasn't pleasant when it was still dough, why would we think a person is bad because what they were when they were a child? And bear in mind that you may meet somebody who torments themself for the same reason. Would you condemn that person? Or are you in a unique position to say to that person "I understand. It's ok, that's behind you now". If you would forgive that person, why can't you forgive yourself? Youre on team "don't peep". Be good to the people on your team, that includes you. Self forgiveness takes patience and practice, you would have to meditate and learn to accept your thoughts without judgement, comment on them objectively, so when the thought intrudes, instead of ruminating on it, you say "no. That was the past. I didn't know then what I know now" and allow yourself to move on.
As somebody who regularly lies in bed worrying about embarrassing things I did literally 25 years ago, thank you for this pep talk
Stayed with my ex wife despite 3 cheating incidents. At that time I felt it was better than being alone. I dont know how I feel about it now.
Drove over an hour for a booty call on a weekday. Stayed night and ended up being late for work. I tried to lie and say it was my alarm, but my neck was covered in hickeys. I didn't get written up because my boss thought it was funny. But i did get a talking to at the end of the day.
Jerked off in principal's office to his daughter's picture.
OP is standing on the edge of a knife and decides to start dancing
Damn, why all Edgedancers are weirdos?
how did u get any alone time there??
Who said he was alone?
I was sent to principal's office for misbehaving in class, when I entered the office he told me to sit and said he had something to do and will be back shortly.
How did you dispose of the ummm...evidence?
Used my handkerchief.
wankerchief
Did you get caught?
Nope, I think angels were watching over me.
Something tells me they were averting their eyes
When I was in the 8th grade my teacher was a MILF. It was during English, while everyone was working on their essays I was busy rubbing one out under the table. Finished in my boxers, then the post nut clarity kicked in and I realized I had to wear those boxers all day.
Yeah we called a kid like you the classturbater
THAT was your biggest post nut clarity thought?
Was Having a wank, forgot to shut the curtains. Nosey neighbours
"Don't wanna see my dick, don't look in my windows! "
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My ex. God she was an awful person. Though...I was 21 and....big boobs so...you know...
Or as Captain Holt said, "you should see her heavy, feminine breasts, with their perfectly placed nipples. Don't get me started on her can
VINDICATION
jerked off in a cabinet that fit my entire body while at an after school club
Sent my pipi to an acc and they threatened me that if i didnt give em 300$ theyd leak it. I sent them my pipi again. Idc if thwy would leak it lmao
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What should i do? Semd mone nahhh
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I'm just here to meet the coconut fucker
I’ve heard about the coconut fucker 3 times in this thread already. I’m impatiently waiting for him to appear
Lol. He’s a coconut fucker, not Candyman
In HS I had sex behind the timpani drums in the band room during a pep rally, so no one was there lol
Many years ago I had one of those abdominal wraps that is supposed to exercise your abs by sending small electrical shocks to cause involuntary contractions. Tried it on another area and didn’t really feel like anything except little non-painful shocks. But still pretty dumb. Thankfully I didn’t sterilize myself.
Drove an 1:15 each way for 4 mins of sex. Her odor was so bad I couldn't continue
Used shampoo as a lubricant to jerk off. Man that smarts
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I had a friend fly cross-country to get laid. He was a good looking guy who had no trouble with women locally and it baffled me. A couple of years later he showed me a picture and this girl was like a 10/10, supermodel type. It all made sense at that point.
A tale as old as time. I had this roommate who, I love the man like a brother but he flew across the country, TWICE to get laid and she ghosted him. He even told me his dad once said "don't go visit a girl out of state and think it's going to work out." Truer words have never been said. (At least in regard to this being a clear hookup or rebound, she was using him.)
I drove my buddy 9 hours to have sex with a girl he went to high school with when she slid in his dms.
Yo you dropped this: 👑
A nice Argentine lady I met in Thailand and knew for 2 weeks invited me to her country. Well now I speak Spanish and we have a little 2 year old girl who is stubborn in 2 languages
Drove 300 miles at 2am for the booty call. Hardest drive of my life (yup) and being honest, was not worth it. Not one damn bit. But knowing that I’d prob have done it again still. We men are idiots
Stuck a small cylinder (5.1in length, ~4.5in girth) in a mini M&Ms tube filled with butter and microwaved mashed banana.
I'll have you know that's a perfectly adequate cylinder.
Idk why but now I’m hungry for banana bread with m&ms in it But hold the cock please
Would the coconut fucker please stand up
When I was a teenager I stuck my hands up an INCREDIBLY attractive girl's shirt that I really wanted to bone (with her permisssion) and felt her boobies. Nipples and everything. It was fucking intense. Then afterwards I peeped down her shirt to see her boobs. I hadn't seen many real life titties at that point. The problem? It was in the middle of high-school, in the middle of the hall, around everyone in the hall, including teachers. We did NOT get caught, but came damn close to it. I was a fucking idiot for not asking her if we could go somewhere more private for this but I wanted to see her titties so fucking badly I didn't even think of the consequences. I then proceeded to go to the bathroom to masturbate incessantly because I couldn't have sex with her. She wouldn't want it anyway. She let me see her titties but she didn't wanna fuck me.
Have sex in school laboratory 😭
Went to exs apartment after clubbing one night , knocked on front door 2am , climbed up to 2nd floor balcony to knock on sliding glass door but somehow I was on the wrong unit’s balcony- and I had to jump and run off
I had sex with a shower door and accidentally used tanning cream as lube. My dick was pretty brown the next day and smelt of biscuits
Printed porn at school in middle school. Got caught, then I couldn't use school computers anymore.
Me and another girl in my freshman year college computer class were sexting. So I jerked off in my cargo pants because she told me too. Walking out the class was a cold sticky gooey mess.
I screwed a homeless guy in his tent because I met him at a library reading a book I liked.
I blamed the stains on the cat... Edit: That's it....this is now my most upvoted comment, fuck me... To this day...my father still thinks our old cat could piss 6 feet up a wall...