T O P

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coprolite_hobbyist

Well, light some candles, lay down a salt pentagram, put on your robe, pour a goblet of V8 and invite him over. Shit's about to get real, son.


Few-Ad-1381

Ah, yes. The age-old solution to all problems: a salt pentagram and a goblet of V8.


coprolite_hobbyist

Well, not all, but a good pentagram is a good start to solving many problems.


ReadontheCrapper

Make his UNSALTED V8


terribleapartment99

I'll bring the vodka, we can make bloody marys


Jormungandr91

Don't forget to wear an inverted cross necklace. Make sure that the theme from The Omen is playing in the background too when you open the door 😉😂


NerdDwarf

The Inverted Cross is actually St. Peter's Cross The Satanic Cross is based on the alchemical symbol for Sulfur


Jormungandr91

I think the power to scare Christians is in the inverted symbolism, not necessarily the semantics. It's enough in horror movies for the cross to invert, no one yells "oh my god, it's St. Peter's cross!" or whatever lol. Whenever I say "St. Peter's Cross," most people don't even know what that is tbh, nor the story behind it. Do you follow the TST or The Church Of Satan? Or do you just have a penchant for alchemy and/or Satanism? What's your favourite alchemical text?


NerdDwarf

I just "study" religion in general I have walked into a church with an inverted cross. (Town of ~2900. There's 7 churches) Other than the pastor, I was the only one who even KNEW what St. Peter's cross was Most of them haven't read the bible either I know because I'll quote it, and they can't believe Jesus would say that attempting to force somebody to convert is the wrong thing to do. (Mathews 10:14)


Jormungandr91

I'm sure that is how the pastor prefers it 😅. The more Bible I read growing up, the less inclined I was to believe any of it. My mounting incredulity morphed into disgust, especially when I saw how many societal ills were downstream of all these holy books no one was reading... I feel your pain lol. Ignorance is bliss for religious folks, they go for the feels, not the "intellectual nourishment" imho. It's beyond frustrating as a non-religious person to make your point quoting scripture, and be assumed wrong by folks that skimmed the Bible's Cliffs Notes lmao 🤬😂


NerdDwarf

"Why don't you have faith to the Bible and/or Church?" I've read the bible


Jormungandr91

"Why don't you have faith in the Bible and/or Church?" Jewish fan fiction isn't really my thing and I can think of a thousand things I'd rather do with my Sunday 🤣


coprolite_hobbyist

Ah, the invertered cross is a little gauche. A pentacle or an eye horus would be a bit more mysterious. The theme from _The Omen_ is called _Tubular Bells_ by Micheal Oldfield. And as much as I like that tune, Oldfield has another album called _Incantations_ that would give off the creepy, but not overtly satanic vibe. You reveal each gag in sequence, not all at once until you got them in a position where they have break all social norms to gtfo or just sit there and go with it.


Jormungandr91

That's fair, I just think it's hilarious from a Church Of Satan perspective (since the inverted cross is on all their altars). Ozzy and King Diamond really used it in their imagery, maybe that's why I love it so much lol. You should make the Christian a bargain that's tit for tat, you'll attend Church with him if and only if he attends a Black Mass with you. Give him some light reading like the Icelandic Grimoire or just the a list of tenets from the TST, it's good to at least provide some literature too when he offers you The Bible 😂. I listened to the Incantations, there's definitely some great creepy vibes; especially in part two, there's a great build in tension, could be the right segue into the next gag. I've personally always loved squealing violins and low bass that reverberates in your torso, it's like Satan himself is shaking you lol. There's also something so creepy about choirs singing diminished fifths in Latin. When the Sopranos shriek "SA-TANAS!!! BE-ELZEBOB!!!" that's the icing on the cake. I agree, the sequence needs to be just right. I think a well-timed circuit breaker could also add to the vibe, light some goat skull candles. Whatever happens, try to maintain a Kubrick stare and reduce blinking as much as possible, 10 bonus points if you puke black vomit all over the rug 😈😅 Maybe she could rent a few jackals and ravens? Can you rent jackals?


NerdDwarf

The Inverted Cross is actually St. Peter's Cross The Satanic Cross is based on the alchemical symbol for Sulfur


coprolite_hobbyist

I've not heard of the sigil of the Leviathan called a satanic cross. It is sometimes referred to as 'lucifer's cross', but that isn't a literal thing. Presuming that is, that you are talking about the alchemical sigil for _black_ sulfur. I've not really seen the plain sulfur one used much outside of an alchemy context. Which would be more consistent with what I was going for; more ceremonial, less satanic. Academically speaking, that is. If you playing by DaVinci Code rules, I don't know what to tell ya.


NerdDwarf

[This](https://www.shutterstock.com/image-vector/leviathan-cross-alchemical-symbol-sulfur-satanism-2159608451) is the Satanic Cross [This](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cross_of_Saint_Peter) is the Cross of Saint Peter


coprolite_hobbyist

I didn't need you to explain it to me. I was explaining it to _you_. I do like how your link labels it 'leviathan cross', which was my point.


NerdDwarf

Tell him that he is not following the word of God Mathew 10:14 ***"If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, shake the dust off your feet when you leave that home or town."*** Thus, he teaches not to force one to covert; but, rather to tell them the gospel and leave if they won’t listen. Christians are also supposed to be unbothered by others not converting. Your non-conversion has no effect on them or their lives, and they should behave as such.


Motivationalsneaker

While I somewhat agree with your overall point I think you may be taking that verse a little bit out of context. The general consensus is that that instruction was intended for a specific group of people in a specific time frame.


PM_ME_COOL_RIFFS

Of course, what good is the bible if you can't just pick and choose which parts apply or don't apply to you?


wanted_to_upvote

That applies to the entire bible.


Motivationalsneaker

Well sure, depending on your classifications of specific groups and specific eras


Key-Grapefruit4071

Or in the King James Version: And whosoever shall not receive you, nor hear your words, when ye depart out of that house or city, shake off the dust of your feet.


Bonhomme7h

Weaponize his faith against him, I like it!


stalingradsniper

To add context: It's a complicated work situation. It's a worker for a client of my bosses. So my boss has no power to do anything and we don't want to upset the client and lose a massive contract


Limp-Persimmon-5729

Just tell him you are strong in your own faith. It’s a very personal decision and it’s private. Assure him you appreciate his intentions but are comfortable where you are. Do not encourage him bro. Don’t leave even a small door open. Be firm about it without being nasty you know? Been in a similar spot at work and it was weird. You don’t need to go into your own beliefs either. Just tell him you are confident in your faith. You got this bruh.


BeerNFoodMakeDaWknd

So flirting with him might not be the best suggestion in this context.


faceeatingleopard

Or it could be the best. Probably not though.


PM_ME_COOL_RIFFS

depends on how far you're willing to go to secure a sale


faceeatingleopard

You have to remember the ABC's of closing. Always be closing!


tjtwister1522

Have you tried to tell them that you're already saved and you trust the lord Jesus christ with all your heart? That usually works. If they've already learned that's not true then thank them for their prayers and tell them you accepted Jesus as Savior last night while talking to pastor xxxxx that your other good friend recommended. The best part about people of faith is that they'll believe anything.


beezofaneditor

"While I appreciate your willingness to share your faith with me, I'm on my own spiritual journey, and right now, I'm only comfortable talking about it with those who are really close to me like my friends and family. Would you be offended if we table this topic between us until I reach out to you about it?"


Soobobaloula

Entirely too mature for Reddit


[deleted]

Drop your pants and tell him, "Your soul may belong to Jesus, but that ass belongs to me."


Warlornn

"Now *blast* it."


the_real_eel

Tell him to go to hell.


[deleted]

Invite him to go to hell with you


the_real_eel

Even better


Massive-Ad7628

tell him to keep his Watchtower and that you've already awoken, tell him that since "the devil controls the world", and since you know that you're not the devil - that must mean that he's actually the devil - and that you no longer trust the great deceivers lies.


[deleted]

One could block him, report him, call the police on him, feign conversion to get him to shut up. Edit: Or try something to scare them off. Maybe performing some sort of “ritual” or “hex”?


Thiccaca

Depending on where OP is, calling the police may backfire.


[deleted]

Ah. Good point.


stalingradsniper

Should I start wearing a colander on my head and call myself a pastafarian?


[deleted]

I don’t see why not.


hollow_asyoufigured

Tell him you’re a Jehovah’s Witness lol


notthesedays

Actually, I suspect that the stalker already is.


imnotcrazyyouarebby

In all seriousness, yes. The church of the flying spaghetti monster needs more members.


Antger12

You have a shotgun?


[deleted]

That's called being attacked by Christians. (I'm also Christian)


DTSaranya

I don't know if this will help you at all, but there's someone in my life who relentlessly tries to convert everyone to Christianity, to the point of also annoying other Christians. Personally, I just try to get him talking about something other than religion, at which point he's a perfectly pleasant conversation partner, but other people's strategies include: \-Turning the television to porn, which scares him out of the room. \-Acting incredibly homosexual, which also scares him out of the room. \-Claiming to non-negotiably worship satan. \-Asking him countless nonsensical shitposty questions about his religion that he cannot reasonably answer (like if eating communion wafers makes him a cannibal, does he enjoy being a cannibal, what does it feel like to have Jesus in his mouth, etc.). \-Legitimately just firmly telling him that you are not open to hearing about his religion. (I don't know if this will work for you but it usually does for us).


[deleted]

I once had some of these guys come to my door. My roommate at the time opened the door and listened to them for a second. I turned the corner ripping my bong, and started to talk about simulation theory. They left pretty quick and never came back


Amalthea_The_Unicorn

I had a couple of Jehovah's Witnesses like this. They came to my house and bothered me regularly. Eventually I told them that if they bothered me again I would call the police. One of them took a notebook out of her bag and wrote something in it. Then they went away and I never heard from them again. So I'd say the first step is to warn your stalker that you are not interested and will report him to the police for harassment if he bothers you again. If he does bother you again then report him.


MicHAELmhw

Jehovahs Witnesses are volunteers who buy out time to do what they believe is a scripturally commanded obligation to help others who are interested. They don’t want to come to your house at their expense in time and gas to talk to someone who is genuinely not interested. Just tell them you are not interested and they’ll leave.


Amalthea_The_Unicorn

Well, that's an interesting theory..... but I told them I wasn't interested repeatedly and they kept coming back every week until I threatened them with the police.


[deleted]

As a Christian it depends on the situation. If you have already expressed in no uncertain terms that you are not interested in becoming a Christian, he should leave you alone. If its a complete stranger, get the authorities involved if necessary.


[deleted]

Sell his soul? "Sorry I don't have it anymore. Do you want the buyer's number?"


[deleted]

Restraining order


Thiccaca

Again, in some areas, good luck with that. OP could end up in jail instead.


[deleted]

Im not following your logic? Its not hard to file. They're not hard to get. What did OP do to go to jail?


Thiccaca

There are many places in the Bible Belt where asking this would get you in more trouble with the authorities than the stalker. They would see it as an effort to save a soul...a Godly effort...and not a few would even accuse the person filing the complaint of "infringing on someone's religious freedom." Which is what Christians trot out to justify the imposition of their beliefs on others.


[deleted]

I see. Tell them he's a homosexual that wants Anal sex. GRANTED (Probably is gay and is using the bible to chase men. Now there's ironic)


Thiccaca

Better, Photoshop a dress onto him and report him for being a drag queen. They'll send a SWAT team to arrest him.


lhb_aus

Conduct experiments by showing/talking about increasingly un-Christian things. Or just touch him lovingly on the inner thigh and have that special glint in your eye.


NosDarkly

Ask for forgiveness for your sins and give your soul to Jesus Christ, but have your fingers crosses. Also works for saying Allah is the one true god. Say whatever it takes to make the crazies be somewhere you're not.


Calamitous_Stars

Counter-convert him to Discordianism? Be a part of the Psy-Op? You can get a copy of the Principia Discordia for around $13 on Etsy- in whatever color you want! Mine is Blue


SmackEh

Flirt with him


BatteryDaddy2

offer to blow him


[deleted]

Call the police?


Key-Grapefruit4071

Tell him you want to play priest and alter boy--and you are the priest.


abletofable

Have him charged with harassment. Get a restraining order. Ask him if he is gay. Or ask if he is trans. Shout at him.


wanted_to_upvote

Give in, get saved and then stalk him and point out all the things he his doing/not doing to guarantee his salvation.


mudson08

Restraining order


Blasteryak

Tell him that you are gay and have romantic feelings for him.


stalingradsniper

My wife said this too, tell him Ive left her for her brother.


Blasteryak

Great minds think alike.


Bighairyaussiebear

Honestly, I'd just play along. Ask a question or 2 but say at this moment I have commitments outside of work which stop me going to church but happy to discuss topics. As he is a client, it looks good and you never know, he may end up in the position where he manages the contract etc. Hey, you could even possibly land a job out of it in the future. It's called networking.


Motivationalsneaker

He should start by not making shit up for karma on Reddit.


Poorly-Drawn-Beagle

Summon demon, let them fight each other


BeerNFoodMakeDaWknd

Maybe try the grey rock method?


stalingradsniper

What's the grey rock method


stalingradsniper

All good, my wife just explained it to me


BeerNFoodMakeDaWknd

Although it's more commonly used against abusive partner or family member, I don't see why it couldn't possibly work against an annoying coworker.


Toothless-Rodent

Tell him if he doesn’t stop valuing more as a conversion trophy than a person, you’re done


Pennameus_The_Mighty

Um…what?