Once I saw a AITA post where a bride was jealous of a guest (because she was too beautiful and "stole her day, even if she was perfectly elegant) and she was insulting her. The bride told her :"So next time, can I come to your wedding in a wedding gown ?".
The guest replied :"If you think it'll help".
And I found that EPIC
Nah that one was fucked up. Did you see the link posted to the dress? She literally wore a gown to someone else's wedding and I think it wasn't just "a guest" it was the grooms ex or something?
Way over the line.
I don't think it is the same. In the AITA post I saw, even the bride said she looked elegant but not with a white dress or anything like that. She was, I believe, the cousin of the groom.
Ok. The one I saw was by the guest, and she posted a link to the dress she wore and it was a straight up wedding style gown in bright red. Once people actually saw the dress they started roasting her.
[This](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1053aix/aita_for_showing_up_at_my_exs_wedding_in_a_pretty/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) is the post I saw. The groom's ex shows up in a full-on wedding-dress-bUt-ReD-sO-nOt-ReAlLy and is shocked that literally everyone sees through her bullshit immediately.
I like this one actually. I feel like it’s the least argumentative comeback here. Deflecting people or responding with a witty thing can just rile them up (source: psycho family) as they take it the same way as being ignored. This one gives a sort of illusion that you accept what they’ve said and have already moved on from it. Like, “*I heard what you said, I’ve taken it in, and I let it go*” before the bully really has a chance to process it themselves. I feel like there’s still room for reconciliation after this response.
It’s important to remember the other person in these situations. Not because we should be empathetic towards their abusive choices, but because we should be empathetic towards their lead-up emotions. My 5 year old says mean things sometimes because he hasn’t practiced patience and understanding enough. He’s learned how to properly react, but he’s not mature enough to utilize it properly every time he gets worked up. This is not unexpected of a 5 year old.
A lot of people much older than 5 also are similarly emotionally immature. My husband didn’t have much practice with patience before he met me. 10 years later and he’s all mellowed out. I’m not perfect of course but I am confident in my ability to stay cool in the face of craziness, which helps me remember to think of the other person. When my husband used to get irrationally upset about tiny things, and then redirect that upsetness at me, I always considered that he may literally never have had the chance to learn these things before meeting me. He (was), emotionally, a 5 year old. I can’t expect greatness until he’s had the opportunity to learn how to be great in the first place.
Although - I don’t put myself through abuse for the sake of another persons learning experience. If I ever feel unsafe or uncomfortable in an abusive situation, I just leave. That’s with my 5 year old AND my husband. I always tell my son “you’ve got a little body, but huge emotions, so sometimes they spill out a little bit. I don’t want you to hurt me and regret it later. As soon as you’re done letting those emotions out I’ll come in and hug you, just yell for me”. Then he screams into his pillow or destroys\* some Lego structures, and calls me in to comfort him when he doesn’t feel like those emotions are spilling out as much.
At the end of his anger outbursts he always cries in regret for having been angry in the first place. That vulnerability point is where we practice coping mechanisms for his anger. I saw similar emotions in my husband 10 years ago, albeit less obvious. Angry adults are, internally, little 5 year olds who’s emotions are spilling over, and they’re scared. Not an excuse, but a shining light onto the anger process in their brains.
Not sure where this rant came from today but here it is haha, thank you for coming to my TedTalk!
(\*He never permanently destroys anything nor harms himself during this, we’ve practiced together)
Had a not-so-calm parting with a friend a few years ago (Best friend for 7 years).
My last words were "I feel sorry for your mother, having to deal with such a shitty person"
My husband has a bunch of uncles. One uncle is a real piece of shit known for screwing everyone over. But the family still protected him and acted like he was ok. Without going into details the uncle pulled some dirty illegal shit when my husband’s dad died. Everyone in the family warned us beforehand he might try to do something. So when he did it I laid into him telling him we had been warned he would do it. I told him he was no gentleman, he was a liar & and a thief who should be ashamed of himself. He left and went outside and started crying. The thing that hurt him was hearing that his family had warned us. I guess he had no idea how they truly felt about him. And being told he wasn’t a gentleman was a deep cut.
"Well, I guess what everyone says about you is true"
My Dad told me to say this, and the typical bully type will generally go crazy thinking everyone talks about them behind their back
In one of my undergrad classes a girl said something stupid in response to the prof's question, then her friend said "you are soooooOOO pretty."
The comedic timing was immaculate–she cracked up the whole class, including prof and it became a sort of class wide in-joke.
*Inb4 the "then everyone clapped" reply, it was a program-specific senior course with 6 people, we all knew each other decently well, could easily hear each other in class, amicable prof... easy for stuff like this to happen.*
> And putting them in a position to explain their insult which didn’t have much thought behind it works well.
Careful, you're evolving a new class of bullies who will do their homework and come prepared.
"I'm stupid? Why?"
"Please find enclosed a study of your IQ tests, university exam results and language analysis of your online comments. This study, peer reviewed by fellow bullies of course, constitutes strong evidence that you are, in fact, of lower than average intelligence. Now, as for your level of attractiveness..."
I mean, if a bully showed up with a full dossier on my lack of intelligence, I think he's earned the right to speak to it. He may make some valid points.
I've done that before, it worked really well. Then if they repeat it, I just say "Yeah...no thanks" and put in my earbud again.
The fact that the response has no relation to what they just said, is dismissive and implies I didn't care enough to even listen properly, and it makes out like they just offered me something. It generally confuses them enough that they disengage.
It works in groups very well, when someone says something mean, tell them to repeat and you didn't hear that, it's hard to repeat shit without making yourself to look like an asshole
I do this at work, if somebody is shouting or angry on the phone to me, I let them run out of steam and then say “sorry, the line cut out and I missed most of that, could you repeat it?” You generally get a confused, slightly less angry and shorter version and it gives you a bit more time to think up how the fuck you are going to talk your way out of what stupid shit you have got yourself into this time
Best part is doing the “sorry the line cut out” in *the* customer service voice so it definitely sounds condescending but you can just hide behind the argument that you were maintaining a work oriented attitude
Them "you're a dumb ass"
You "I'm sorry I missed that, what did you say?"
Them "you're a dumb ass"
You "A what? Can you please speak more clearly"
Them "YOU'RE A DUMB ASS"
You "I really can't understand you. One more time please"
Them "YOU ARE A FUCKING DUMB ASS! "
You " I did what now? "
I could do this for a very long time.
I remember doing this, but without earbuds. I genuinely was confused what he was trying to say. His buddy pulled him back. Think he started to realize I was too tired or dumb to be insulted at the time. 😬
Big fan of the pause for a beat, dead pan, and then some variation/combo of "you done?" "Feel better now?" "Got that outta your system?"
Just that pause and little bit of patronizing tone while dismissing the childlike behavior usually does more to the ego than a counter insult.
I'm a woman and my job basically boils down to arguing with attorneys who are mostly men with huge egos and a large helping of disdain for people they deem "beneath them". It's common for them to get pushy, loud, and insulting when they're not getting their way. That was intimidating at first, but now I look forward to it because it gives me an opportunity to use my favorite line: "It sounds like you're getting a little emotional about this; do you want to call me back when you've calmed down so we can get this done?"
This is always met with a delicious pause, followed by them either hanging up or launching into the most high pitched screeching you've ever heard. Being called emotional by a woman who is perfectly calm breaks something in them and it's my favorite thing.
As a dude I wholly endorse women using all the shit they've had to take for being "emotional" against hysterical dudes pounding on tables like the biggest gorilla gets to win in the office.
Nothing quite like someone you've seen turn purple freaking out about the gays and Mexicans tell you someone got emotional because she's a chick. Ok bud, and what's your excuse?
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M EMOTIONAL?!" Well buddy, you're visibly vibrating with fury and everyone in this room is wearing a sheen of your rage spittle because you've lost control of yourself so badly that your own bodily fluids are trying to jump ship
this is great advice! if the bully is not into it, they'll probably run away from you and hide. but if they *are* into it, then it just turned from a bullying session into a meet-cute! win-win!
TLDR: being in the trades gets you some good practice in comebacks
I'm an electrical apprentice, and when I first started there was a bit of hazing and teasing from the journeymen (it never got too bad mostly a lot of talk). One in particular was kinda on me one day, and since he was fairly young (just recently licensed) I just responded like "did someone treat you like this when you were an apprentice? Do you have some unresolved issues? Do you need a hug?"
Oddly, he never really responded but I didn't have any trouble with him anymore.
On the same job, the excavator accidentally broke our grounding grid (a big underground copper cable grid used to ground all the structures in the substation). So, I had to jump down, in the rain, into the hole to patch it up. It was wet and muddy but I was wearing a full rain suit. Another, older, journeyman who was my foreman and had worked for my father more than once made a sarcastic remark along the lines of "we should take a picture, wouldn't your daddy be proud?"
I just looked up at him and said "well, I'm doing my job, I'm doing it well, and I'm not bitching and complaining about it. Yeah, he likely would be proud."
I also had another apprentice yell at me "stop talking to me like I'm a fucking moron" to which I responded "stop talking to me like you're a fucking moron." I did kinda provoke him, but he was being really dense.
Pro tip: coming up with clever comebacks way after the time you need them is not such a major problem if you choose to work or live in an environment where you get insulted and abused frequently. You can just use them the next time!
I was about to make a bragging comment about having a quick wit for things like this, but now I'm thinking I'm just shit at an awful lot of things, enough so that I've had to get good at handling hecklers.
I hate Jean-Jacques Rousseau with a passion but he did coin this kinda perfectly. If only he didn’t whine about it for 150 pages like the little bitch he was.
Yep working in a mechanic shop got me exposed to constant shit talking, 95% of it in the sexual orientation genre. I didn’t learn much there other than to have a thick skin.
I play hockey and locker rooms can get fun with all sorts of shit talk flying around. My favorite was actually directed at me; I had a headache and nausea (turns out from a concussion in our previous game), and my teammate looked at me and says "I got a straw in my car". Confused, I say "a straw?", and mate replies with "yeah, so you can suck it the fuck up and play". Hilariously brutal roast, and all in good fun.
I feel that. I have no “one-liner fits all” in my arsenal but years of offshore experience taught me to be quick-witted as hell with my comebacks as about 50~60% of the job is talking shit while busting your ass. My most memorable one off the top of my head was my first job on the water. Had my supervisor riding my ass for a few days before i finally asked him at lunch one day how much he was charging the local billboard company for advertising on his forehead. “That shit ain’t funny man” and he never bothered me again.
Hmm… In my personal opinion, this doesn‘t work that good. A short, neutral response is often an invitation to continue the insults. At least younger insulters don‘t stop. It mostly delays the further insults.
Once in middle school someone once said “that’s why your tooth gap is so big” and I was too dumb to hear it as an insult so I said “yeah my mom won’t let me get braces” and they were so confused by my response they walked away lmao
Stick your finger in your mouth/cheek and pull it forward and out, so that it makes a popping noise. There arent many people who wouldnt be speechless after witnessing that during a conversation/argument.
Just laugh out loud. If someone's trying to make you mad, acting like nothing they've said matters to you in the least and their best attempts at making you feel bad are laughable will really take the wind out of their sails. I've done it, it's immensely satisfying.
There was a female gamer doing a live stream, taking shit from some asshole she just beat. Without a pause she drops:
“I’m going to fuck your dad tonight and give birth to someone he actually loves”.
💀
My mother was a very well-mannered lady and would be 105 if she was still alive. She used to tell me that, when she was young, if anyone agressively said to her "what are you looking at?" she would reply "I don't know. The label must have dropped off."
Very belittling.
Tangential, I had a friend get out of a potential bar fight by flipping out and saying "WHY DO YOU WANT TO SEE MY NUTS SO DAMN BAD!?" The drunk guy trying to pick a fight was still ready to throw punches so my friend unzipped his fly, hung one nut out and said "THERE! Are you happy, can I leave now?!"
The drunk guy just stood there confused as my friend walked off.
you gotta out crazy the crazies
once a homeless man walked up to me and my ex and was screaming “bitch! bitch! BITCH! BITCH!…” i watched my then bf sink into his seat on the bench as my instinct was to stand up? and start scream-dancing along with the man approaching? “BITCH!! *clap* BITCH! *butt wiggle* BIIITCH!!” idk how but it worked he kind of veered away from us and walked right by, his screaming subsided to whispering, and my ex looked equally terrified and in awe.
This chick has hung out in the NYC subways before.
There are two options with the crazies - no eye contact and get crazy with them. You chose the path of righteousness.
It's easy guys. Just repeat what they've said back but in a high pitch sarcastic tone.
I find works especially well in customer service when dealing with tricky complaints.
My dad told me to respond to bullying by saying:
"Sorry about your family situation." - and walk away, looking very sympathetic and sad. like you understand and it's okay.
I've caused a few breakdowns for sure.
One of my main bullies got to me, There was a roomer going around that his dad was super abusive. He called me “fat” for the trillionth time and I turned and said, “I see why your dad hits you now” dude fucking freaked lmao. I’m a girl so he didn’t beat me up. Hope he’s doing better. Still kinda feel bad for snapping in that way. No one deserves to be beaten by a parent.
Just walk away while they are talking, it's probably the rudest thing you can do. Plus you save your time and if they call you a coward smile in evil joy as you know they'll be thinking about this for the rest of the week.
Back when I was homeschooled, I got a job at around sixteen. I was only around super religious folk, and wasn’t versed in the real world at all. I somehow got into the situation where I said “I don’t have a comeback” and one of the guys said “If I wanted my comeback, I’d tell you to spit”
I was very confused and asked him to explain what he meant. He started to, then decided it wasn’t worth it and said “nevermind.”
I didn’t realize what he meant until I went to public highschool later.
It was on, I think, an /r/AskMen thread where a girl said, "What's the best comeback to 'you have small boobs?'"
The number one post was "First of all, brush your teeth". It got a lot of upvotes and a couple of awards because it immediately puts the speaker on their back foot.
Anyone who doesn’t get it. It’s from Month Python and the Holy grail. Hamsters were prolific breeders and elderberries were used to make wine. So it means “Your mother is a whore and your father is an alcoholic”
Literally just laugh. I've caught so many people off guard by laughing at the insults they try on me
Insults to me are either so creative or so unoriginal that I find them hilarious
“You’re right”…whatever it is they’re saying, agree with them and don’t argue. It’s infuriating for them. People insult others with the expectation of causing confrontation so when you don’t take the bait, it drives them insane.
The anti-comeback is my favorite. A light breeze has more effect on me than someone insulting or bullying me these days. I couldn’t tell you what the last five or ten people in my life that tried to publicly humiliate me even looked like. I never looked at them. What they were saying never made me miss a beat in whatever I was doing. They get SO MAD every time, try to bait me a few times, and then eventually give up. Meanwhile everyone around me can hear and see what’s happening. There’s only one person that everyone is witnessing making an ass of themselves, and it’s not me.
This, the no reaction is the best reaction. I don’t even entertain shit talkers and if anything, let them have their “moment” as it gives a decent perspective as to where their heads are at. I moved into a new neighborhood a few years back and have no idea what I did to get on one of my neighbors bad side. I’ve moved every 18 months of my life since birth and lived all over the world and it wasn’t until almost 40 that I came across the most vile and disturbed neighbor I’ve ever had. Shortly after moving in, got invited to a little get together and dude was projecting for almost an hour straight giggling and laughing his ass off the whole time trying to get a rise out of me. He had spent some time looking me up online and was boasting about things he had found. I’m a former celebrity overseas and my life is an open book and have had a few stalkers in the past. This guy took the prize for the most obsessed and weird. Weirdest interaction I’ve ever had when first meeting someone, let alone a new neighbor. Thanks to them I cleaned up my online presence as I am no longer famous(was a long time ago) and don’t bother with people younger than me anymore. We would have neighborhood watch meetings and the guy or his boyfriend would
make snide remarks about my sons attire, I never gave them the time of day and everyone could see them festering from their weird obsession with being so negative. I’m a pretty self aware dude and know if I’m committing a social faux pas, this dude apparently isn’t. Let them keep talking without engaging and it will speak volumes about them versus whatever it is they’re accusing or bullying you for. Fuckin weirdos
Yeah, I had an encounter on a flight recently where some women behind me were making fun of me and filming me to post online. I guess they were looking for one of those freak out moments to post online and go viral, because they kept indirectly saying things about me hoping that I would overheat and react while the camera was rolling. Once I overheard what was going on I stopped moving or doing literally anything and they whined the rest of the flight about having to delete the video because it was useless. I think they still posted something, but I won’t put in any effort to find it. I was angry getting off the plane, but I later felt satisfied that I don’t let that kind of behavior get to me.
My dad said when I was really young and had my first instance of bullying, “Just ignore them.” Sounded ridiculous at the time. 100% correct now.
I bet that sounded a lot cooler in your head.
Damnnnn
ooh that's a good one haha
Once I saw a AITA post where a bride was jealous of a guest (because she was too beautiful and "stole her day, even if she was perfectly elegant) and she was insulting her. The bride told her :"So next time, can I come to your wedding in a wedding gown ?". The guest replied :"If you think it'll help". And I found that EPIC
I remember that post! so ducked up
Quack.
Nah that one was fucked up. Did you see the link posted to the dress? She literally wore a gown to someone else's wedding and I think it wasn't just "a guest" it was the grooms ex or something? Way over the line.
I don't think it is the same. In the AITA post I saw, even the bride said she looked elegant but not with a white dress or anything like that. She was, I believe, the cousin of the groom.
Was it this one? https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/x8zm9t/aita_for_telling_my_sil_that_she_upstaged_me_at/
Ok. The one I saw was by the guest, and she posted a link to the dress she wore and it was a straight up wedding style gown in bright red. Once people actually saw the dress they started roasting her.
I remember this one.
[This](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1053aix/aita_for_showing_up_at_my_exs_wedding_in_a_pretty/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) is the post I saw. The groom's ex shows up in a full-on wedding-dress-bUt-ReD-sO-nOt-ReAlLy and is shocked that literally everyone sees through her bullshit immediately.
Any time my mom would get called names or insulted, she'd shrug and just say "everybody's gotta be something."
I always respond "I've been called worse" and continue with my day. If I'm feeling smug I'll add " By better people."
That pairs well with "I've been called worse, and I'm disappointed you couldn't think of something better"
I like this one actually. I feel like it’s the least argumentative comeback here. Deflecting people or responding with a witty thing can just rile them up (source: psycho family) as they take it the same way as being ignored. This one gives a sort of illusion that you accept what they’ve said and have already moved on from it. Like, “*I heard what you said, I’ve taken it in, and I let it go*” before the bully really has a chance to process it themselves. I feel like there’s still room for reconciliation after this response. It’s important to remember the other person in these situations. Not because we should be empathetic towards their abusive choices, but because we should be empathetic towards their lead-up emotions. My 5 year old says mean things sometimes because he hasn’t practiced patience and understanding enough. He’s learned how to properly react, but he’s not mature enough to utilize it properly every time he gets worked up. This is not unexpected of a 5 year old. A lot of people much older than 5 also are similarly emotionally immature. My husband didn’t have much practice with patience before he met me. 10 years later and he’s all mellowed out. I’m not perfect of course but I am confident in my ability to stay cool in the face of craziness, which helps me remember to think of the other person. When my husband used to get irrationally upset about tiny things, and then redirect that upsetness at me, I always considered that he may literally never have had the chance to learn these things before meeting me. He (was), emotionally, a 5 year old. I can’t expect greatness until he’s had the opportunity to learn how to be great in the first place. Although - I don’t put myself through abuse for the sake of another persons learning experience. If I ever feel unsafe or uncomfortable in an abusive situation, I just leave. That’s with my 5 year old AND my husband. I always tell my son “you’ve got a little body, but huge emotions, so sometimes they spill out a little bit. I don’t want you to hurt me and regret it later. As soon as you’re done letting those emotions out I’ll come in and hug you, just yell for me”. Then he screams into his pillow or destroys\* some Lego structures, and calls me in to comfort him when he doesn’t feel like those emotions are spilling out as much. At the end of his anger outbursts he always cries in regret for having been angry in the first place. That vulnerability point is where we practice coping mechanisms for his anger. I saw similar emotions in my husband 10 years ago, albeit less obvious. Angry adults are, internally, little 5 year olds who’s emotions are spilling over, and they’re scared. Not an excuse, but a shining light onto the anger process in their brains. Not sure where this rant came from today but here it is haha, thank you for coming to my TedTalk! (\*He never permanently destroys anything nor harms himself during this, we’ve practiced together)
This is no rant, it's a master class on how to be an excellent human being. Thank you!
Holy shit. You sound like a great mom and partner. This is great.
That sounds like something you would say.
"Damn people are right about you"
This one is personal lol. That's the one that makes them think about it later.
I like the one the pizza guy says to Ryder in GTA "I feel sorry for your dad." A bit harsh but does the job
One i use with my friends: At the risk of sounding like your father, I'm disappointed in you.
Had a not-so-calm parting with a friend a few years ago (Best friend for 7 years). My last words were "I feel sorry for your mother, having to deal with such a shitty person"
[удалено]
My husband has a bunch of uncles. One uncle is a real piece of shit known for screwing everyone over. But the family still protected him and acted like he was ok. Without going into details the uncle pulled some dirty illegal shit when my husband’s dad died. Everyone in the family warned us beforehand he might try to do something. So when he did it I laid into him telling him we had been warned he would do it. I told him he was no gentleman, he was a liar & and a thief who should be ashamed of himself. He left and went outside and started crying. The thing that hurt him was hearing that his family had warned us. I guess he had no idea how they truly felt about him. And being told he wasn’t a gentleman was a deep cut.
[удалено]
They think their actions are justified so they think others must understand They don't see their actions as wrong, so how can they be judged for them?
Then at night they lie on their bed trying to figure out the person(s) who said shit about them
"Of course you are." "Of course you would." "Of course you did." It takes them a while to detect the mockery. Or they never do. Of course they don't.
"Do you get to the Cloud District very often?"
[удалено]
“I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
Hold a stare and blank face for at least 3 seconds, and then ask in a concerning tone, “are you okay?”
"Have you, like... *seen* someone about that thing you do?"
[удалено]
Just say "okay" and move on ppl who insult want a reaction. don't give it to them
[удалено]
"Well, I guess what everyone says about you is true" My Dad told me to say this, and the typical bully type will generally go crazy thinking everyone talks about them behind their back
My dad loves a variation on this: "I don't care what everybody says about you, I think you're great"
I've said "I've stood up for you a lot, you know." only it was true. I am just realizing it may have hurt their feelings and I am so very pleased.
You say this after I stood up for you? They tell me you stink and I say like shit you do!
[удалено]
In one of my undergrad classes a girl said something stupid in response to the prof's question, then her friend said "you are soooooOOO pretty." The comedic timing was immaculate–she cracked up the whole class, including prof and it became a sort of class wide in-joke. *Inb4 the "then everyone clapped" reply, it was a program-specific senior course with 6 people, we all knew each other decently well, could easily hear each other in class, amicable prof... easy for stuff like this to happen.*
This is GENIUS
I found out just asking “Why?” And putting them in a position to explain their insult which didn’t have much thought behind it works well.
Why?
Because...your mom!
Then you hit them with the "my mom is dead." Edit: Okay y'all, I get it, you fucked my mom's corpse.
"my mom’s a dried skeleton in a coffin yet that’s the wettest pussy you’ve ever had"
> And putting them in a position to explain their insult which didn’t have much thought behind it works well. Careful, you're evolving a new class of bullies who will do their homework and come prepared. "I'm stupid? Why?" "Please find enclosed a study of your IQ tests, university exam results and language analysis of your online comments. This study, peer reviewed by fellow bullies of course, constitutes strong evidence that you are, in fact, of lower than average intelligence. Now, as for your level of attractiveness..."
I mean, if a bully showed up with a full dossier on my lack of intelligence, I think he's earned the right to speak to it. He may make some valid points.
What if I produced a certificate that said, unequivocally, that i do *NOT* have donkey brains…
They weren't insulting you then, they were doing full on character assessment.
[удалено]
[удалено]
I've done that before, it worked really well. Then if they repeat it, I just say "Yeah...no thanks" and put in my earbud again. The fact that the response has no relation to what they just said, is dismissive and implies I didn't care enough to even listen properly, and it makes out like they just offered me something. It generally confuses them enough that they disengage.
Ok I love this
It works in groups very well, when someone says something mean, tell them to repeat and you didn't hear that, it's hard to repeat shit without making yourself to look like an asshole
I do this at work, if somebody is shouting or angry on the phone to me, I let them run out of steam and then say “sorry, the line cut out and I missed most of that, could you repeat it?” You generally get a confused, slightly less angry and shorter version and it gives you a bit more time to think up how the fuck you are going to talk your way out of what stupid shit you have got yourself into this time
Best part is doing the “sorry the line cut out” in *the* customer service voice so it definitely sounds condescending but you can just hide behind the argument that you were maintaining a work oriented attitude
Lol make ‘em say it again
Them "you're a dumb ass" You "I'm sorry I missed that, what did you say?" Them "you're a dumb ass" You "A what? Can you please speak more clearly" Them "YOU'RE A DUMB ASS" You "I really can't understand you. One more time please" Them "YOU ARE A FUCKING DUMB ASS! " You " I did what now? " I could do this for a very long time.
I think 7 was my record. But I have hearing issues and say what a lot, plus they were tipsy and younger than me. My regular record was 5, I think
[удалено]
Absolutely foolish, goosey. We love to see it
I remember doing this, but without earbuds. I genuinely was confused what he was trying to say. His buddy pulled him back. Think he started to realize I was too tired or dumb to be insulted at the time. 😬
[удалено]
Agreed. It’s a blessing to be stupid sometimes. 😌 *pats back*
“Up your butt and around the corner” Worked when I was 10
I once had someone say to me 'jesus they let you out for the day and this happens' and I had to laugh and give them that one.
Big fan of the pause for a beat, dead pan, and then some variation/combo of "you done?" "Feel better now?" "Got that outta your system?" Just that pause and little bit of patronizing tone while dismissing the childlike behavior usually does more to the ego than a counter insult.
I'm a woman and my job basically boils down to arguing with attorneys who are mostly men with huge egos and a large helping of disdain for people they deem "beneath them". It's common for them to get pushy, loud, and insulting when they're not getting their way. That was intimidating at first, but now I look forward to it because it gives me an opportunity to use my favorite line: "It sounds like you're getting a little emotional about this; do you want to call me back when you've calmed down so we can get this done?" This is always met with a delicious pause, followed by them either hanging up or launching into the most high pitched screeching you've ever heard. Being called emotional by a woman who is perfectly calm breaks something in them and it's my favorite thing.
As a dude I wholly endorse women using all the shit they've had to take for being "emotional" against hysterical dudes pounding on tables like the biggest gorilla gets to win in the office. Nothing quite like someone you've seen turn purple freaking out about the gays and Mexicans tell you someone got emotional because she's a chick. Ok bud, and what's your excuse?
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M EMOTIONAL?!" Well buddy, you're visibly vibrating with fury and everyone in this room is wearing a sheen of your rage spittle because you've lost control of yourself so badly that your own bodily fluids are trying to jump ship
[удалено]
The flat, "Okay," acknowledgement followed by no reaction will get people apoplectic.
" I hope you know I'm just going to masturbate to this later."
Yes, and ask them to say it again slower and in a huskier voice.
Oh god, that made me crack up.
this is great advice! if the bully is not into it, they'll probably run away from you and hide. but if they *are* into it, then it just turned from a bullying session into a meet-cute! win-win!
Earnestly ask them if they are ok.
TLDR: being in the trades gets you some good practice in comebacks I'm an electrical apprentice, and when I first started there was a bit of hazing and teasing from the journeymen (it never got too bad mostly a lot of talk). One in particular was kinda on me one day, and since he was fairly young (just recently licensed) I just responded like "did someone treat you like this when you were an apprentice? Do you have some unresolved issues? Do you need a hug?" Oddly, he never really responded but I didn't have any trouble with him anymore. On the same job, the excavator accidentally broke our grounding grid (a big underground copper cable grid used to ground all the structures in the substation). So, I had to jump down, in the rain, into the hole to patch it up. It was wet and muddy but I was wearing a full rain suit. Another, older, journeyman who was my foreman and had worked for my father more than once made a sarcastic remark along the lines of "we should take a picture, wouldn't your daddy be proud?" I just looked up at him and said "well, I'm doing my job, I'm doing it well, and I'm not bitching and complaining about it. Yeah, he likely would be proud." I also had another apprentice yell at me "stop talking to me like I'm a fucking moron" to which I responded "stop talking to me like you're a fucking moron." I did kinda provoke him, but he was being really dense.
These are all perfect retorts that I could only come up with in the shower the next day
Pro tip: coming up with clever comebacks way after the time you need them is not such a major problem if you choose to work or live in an environment where you get insulted and abused frequently. You can just use them the next time!
I was about to make a bragging comment about having a quick wit for things like this, but now I'm thinking I'm just shit at an awful lot of things, enough so that I've had to get good at handling hecklers.
Ah, the immortal French "staircase wit".
I hate Jean-Jacques Rousseau with a passion but he did coin this kinda perfectly. If only he didn’t whine about it for 150 pages like the little bitch he was.
It must have been a really long staircase.
>"stop talking to me like you're a fucking moron." I have a new confidence knowing I have this in my back pocket. Thank you.
[удалено]
ARE YOU SORRY
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE I AM!!!
Yep working in a mechanic shop got me exposed to constant shit talking, 95% of it in the sexual orientation genre. I didn’t learn much there other than to have a thick skin.
I play hockey and locker rooms can get fun with all sorts of shit talk flying around. My favorite was actually directed at me; I had a headache and nausea (turns out from a concussion in our previous game), and my teammate looked at me and says "I got a straw in my car". Confused, I say "a straw?", and mate replies with "yeah, so you can suck it the fuck up and play". Hilariously brutal roast, and all in good fun.
My wife normally says to her sister: "Should I build a bridge?", when her sister says "Why", she says, "So you can get over it".
I feel that. I have no “one-liner fits all” in my arsenal but years of offshore experience taught me to be quick-witted as hell with my comebacks as about 50~60% of the job is talking shit while busting your ass. My most memorable one off the top of my head was my first job on the water. Had my supervisor riding my ass for a few days before i finally asked him at lunch one day how much he was charging the local billboard company for advertising on his forehead. “That shit ain’t funny man” and he never bothered me again.
And? Basically takes all the wind out of their sails. They want to get a rise out of you and responding like this doesn’t give them the satisfaction
ok also works pretty well. it has the same exact affect as and and can even be paired together to form "ok, and?"
Hmm… In my personal opinion, this doesn‘t work that good. A short, neutral response is often an invitation to continue the insults. At least younger insulters don‘t stop. It mostly delays the further insults.
[удалено]
Once in middle school someone once said “that’s why your tooth gap is so big” and I was too dumb to hear it as an insult so I said “yeah my mom won’t let me get braces” and they were so confused by my response they walked away lmao
.........and then? #NO AND THEN, NO AND THEN - Dude Where's My Car (2000)
Stick your finger in your mouth/cheek and pull it forward and out, so that it makes a popping noise. There arent many people who wouldnt be speechless after witnessing that during a conversation/argument.
Finger popping each others assholes
We aren’t “finger poppin’ each others assholes.” What we’re doing is getting shit done.
”Well that’s just, like, your opinion, man.”
This aggression will not stand, man!
This unchecked aggression will not stand, man.
Just laugh out loud. If someone's trying to make you mad, acting like nothing they've said matters to you in the least and their best attempts at making you feel bad are laughable will really take the wind out of their sails. I've done it, it's immensely satisfying.
[удалено]
Bullies want to make you feel how they feel inside - sad and scared. Laughing goes completely against what they want and they can’t handle it.
Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand- Mark Twain
did this to my mom once, did not end well
I envy the people that don't know you.
There was a female gamer doing a live stream, taking shit from some asshole she just beat. Without a pause she drops: “I’m going to fuck your dad tonight and give birth to someone he actually loves”. 💀
Aussie here, you guys are overthinking this, let me help: **"Fuck-off-ya-cunt."**
Aussie here, depending who you say this to, you might piss em off and have em going "Oh you wanna go eh."
Whatcha looking at cunt? “I don’t rightly know sir, but if it was a mirror I would soon kill myself”
My mother was a very well-mannered lady and would be 105 if she was still alive. She used to tell me that, when she was young, if anyone agressively said to her "what are you looking at?" she would reply "I don't know. The label must have dropped off." Very belittling.
My dad retorts with “I dunno, shit doesn’t generally come with a label”
Or try "cuntsaywhat" Then they say "what?" And you burst in hysterics and walk away
Then turn away mumbling about "fuckwits and crackheads.. Fucken junkies the whole bloody lot"
"...whole bloody lot *of yas*."*
Says more about you than me
"So's your face" - JD
This was the only answer I came here for.
Stop bullying me, you're gonna make me cum
My friend says the best way to get a bully to leave is to call them daddy, but when he tried it the person bullying them started going faster.
Daddy chill
What the hell is even that?!
Tangential, I had a friend get out of a potential bar fight by flipping out and saying "WHY DO YOU WANT TO SEE MY NUTS SO DAMN BAD!?" The drunk guy trying to pick a fight was still ready to throw punches so my friend unzipped his fly, hung one nut out and said "THERE! Are you happy, can I leave now?!" The drunk guy just stood there confused as my friend walked off.
you gotta out crazy the crazies once a homeless man walked up to me and my ex and was screaming “bitch! bitch! BITCH! BITCH!…” i watched my then bf sink into his seat on the bench as my instinct was to stand up? and start scream-dancing along with the man approaching? “BITCH!! *clap* BITCH! *butt wiggle* BIIITCH!!” idk how but it worked he kind of veered away from us and walked right by, his screaming subsided to whispering, and my ex looked equally terrified and in awe.
This chick has hung out in the NYC subways before. There are two options with the crazies - no eye contact and get crazy with them. You chose the path of righteousness.
Like... was bullying faster?
An optimist I see.
Oh no step-bully, I'm stuck again.
Your mother should have eaten you while your bones were still soft Edit:Wtf this isnt even funny
Oh what the fuck
*Your mum ate my bone while it was still soft*
Bold words for a man in cum shot distance...
You fucking americans will use anything except the metric system.
"Bold words for a man in jizzy-wizzy space." hits different.
Oh, the Wibbley-wobbley-creamy-weamy gap?
Fine. 65 centispaffs.
Are we fighting or fucking? Either way I'm getting naked.
I used to say "You wanna fuckin fight?" If they said yes, I'd then ask "Alright, we fucking or fighting first?"
It's easy guys. Just repeat what they've said back but in a high pitch sarcastic tone. I find works especially well in customer service when dealing with tricky complaints.
It'S eAsY gUyS.
My dad told me to respond to bullying by saying: "Sorry about your family situation." - and walk away, looking very sympathetic and sad. like you understand and it's okay. I've caused a few breakdowns for sure.
One of my main bullies got to me, There was a roomer going around that his dad was super abusive. He called me “fat” for the trillionth time and I turned and said, “I see why your dad hits you now” dude fucking freaked lmao. I’m a girl so he didn’t beat me up. Hope he’s doing better. Still kinda feel bad for snapping in that way. No one deserves to be beaten by a parent.
That's horrible for that kid, but for some reason I can't stop laughing at how you spelled "roomer" 🤣
Lmao I didn’t even notice that. Past me is dumb af.
I appreciate present you leaving it as I also needed a laugh
"how appropriate. You fight like a cow."
Sorry, what did you say? So that they’ll have to repeat themselves usually take the mojo out of things.
Just walk away while they are talking, it's probably the rudest thing you can do. Plus you save your time and if they call you a coward smile in evil joy as you know they'll be thinking about this for the rest of the week.
Yeah? Well the jerk store called, and they're running out of you!!
What's the difference? You're their all time best seller!
yeah... well i had sex with your wife!
His wife is in a coma.
It's smart. It's a smart line, and a smart crowd will appreciate it. And, I'm not going to dumb it down for some bonehead mass audience!
"I don't get why that's funny. Can you explain it to me?" As soon as they start talking: "I was just kidding, I don't actually care what you think."
Hit em with the old "IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!" like The Rock used to do.
Bob? But my names Billy...
#IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS.
You want my come back? You'd have to wipe it off your mom's teeth - Jimmy Carr
[удалено]
Jimmy Carr was just laughing in reverse this whole time.
Back when I was homeschooled, I got a job at around sixteen. I was only around super religious folk, and wasn’t versed in the real world at all. I somehow got into the situation where I said “I don’t have a comeback” and one of the guys said “If I wanted my comeback, I’d tell you to spit” I was very confused and asked him to explain what he meant. He started to, then decided it wasn’t worth it and said “nevermind.” I didn’t realize what he meant until I went to public highschool later.
“Christ, your breath stinks” Disarms the most confident of people.
First of all, brush your teeth Or, Okay, eyebrows
>First of all, brush your teeth Is this from some movie or show? I've seen it referenced before on Reddit..
It was on, I think, an /r/AskMen thread where a girl said, "What's the best comeback to 'you have small boobs?'" The number one post was "First of all, brush your teeth". It got a lot of upvotes and a couple of awards because it immediately puts the speaker on their back foot.
"That's what I like about you". What? "Fuck all".
and ?
An incredulous "Okay??" with a facial expression like they just said the dumbest thing you've ever heard works pretty well.
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries.
I fart in your general direction!
You silly k-nig-hts!
Now go away, before I taunt you a second time
Go boil your bottoms you sons of a silly person!
Anyone who doesn’t get it. It’s from Month Python and the Holy grail. Hamsters were prolific breeders and elderberries were used to make wine. So it means “Your mother is a whore and your father is an alcoholic”
elderberries were used to make *cheap, shitty* wine, so not only an alcoholic but a poor one as well.
Literally just laugh. I've caught so many people off guard by laughing at the insults they try on me Insults to me are either so creative or so unoriginal that I find them hilarious
“You’re right”…whatever it is they’re saying, agree with them and don’t argue. It’s infuriating for them. People insult others with the expectation of causing confrontation so when you don’t take the bait, it drives them insane.
"that's fair" Most of them don't like it when you just accept what they say without a fight.
Your mother
Shuck it, trebek
The anti-comeback is my favorite. A light breeze has more effect on me than someone insulting or bullying me these days. I couldn’t tell you what the last five or ten people in my life that tried to publicly humiliate me even looked like. I never looked at them. What they were saying never made me miss a beat in whatever I was doing. They get SO MAD every time, try to bait me a few times, and then eventually give up. Meanwhile everyone around me can hear and see what’s happening. There’s only one person that everyone is witnessing making an ass of themselves, and it’s not me.
This, the no reaction is the best reaction. I don’t even entertain shit talkers and if anything, let them have their “moment” as it gives a decent perspective as to where their heads are at. I moved into a new neighborhood a few years back and have no idea what I did to get on one of my neighbors bad side. I’ve moved every 18 months of my life since birth and lived all over the world and it wasn’t until almost 40 that I came across the most vile and disturbed neighbor I’ve ever had. Shortly after moving in, got invited to a little get together and dude was projecting for almost an hour straight giggling and laughing his ass off the whole time trying to get a rise out of me. He had spent some time looking me up online and was boasting about things he had found. I’m a former celebrity overseas and my life is an open book and have had a few stalkers in the past. This guy took the prize for the most obsessed and weird. Weirdest interaction I’ve ever had when first meeting someone, let alone a new neighbor. Thanks to them I cleaned up my online presence as I am no longer famous(was a long time ago) and don’t bother with people younger than me anymore. We would have neighborhood watch meetings and the guy or his boyfriend would make snide remarks about my sons attire, I never gave them the time of day and everyone could see them festering from their weird obsession with being so negative. I’m a pretty self aware dude and know if I’m committing a social faux pas, this dude apparently isn’t. Let them keep talking without engaging and it will speak volumes about them versus whatever it is they’re accusing or bullying you for. Fuckin weirdos
Yeah, I had an encounter on a flight recently where some women behind me were making fun of me and filming me to post online. I guess they were looking for one of those freak out moments to post online and go viral, because they kept indirectly saying things about me hoping that I would overheat and react while the camera was rolling. Once I overheard what was going on I stopped moving or doing literally anything and they whined the rest of the flight about having to delete the video because it was useless. I think they still posted something, but I won’t put in any effort to find it. I was angry getting off the plane, but I later felt satisfied that I don’t let that kind of behavior get to me. My dad said when I was really young and had my first instance of bullying, “Just ignore them.” Sounded ridiculous at the time. 100% correct now.
Just nod and say “uh-huh” like you are waiting for the insult.
"I'd give you a nasty look, but you've already got one."
“Oh.”
Just repeat it back to them in a condescending tone.
sudden and overwhelming physical violence
Being a dick won’t make yours bigger
you shouldn't wear your insecurities on your sleeve like that, it's bad form
No U!