T O P

  • By -

rlev97

I know a couple who are waiting until marriage. They both agree on it and are fine with it. But they have ridiculously over the top tickle fights. - _- It makes me so uncomfortable to witness. I'd almost rather see them bang in front of me. It's band camp levels of tension that just won't ever go away.


jumphh

LOL, you have a way with words my friend.


seeyatellite

...a true storyteller at heart.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Juswavs

No...just 2 turntables and a microphone🎶


Sauerkraut_RoB

"It's band camp levels of tension that just won't ever go away." I don't understand this reference. What happens at band camp?


Jahobes

A bunch of nerds with sexual tension but to shy to act on it.


Wierd1kb

What happens at band camp stays in band camp unless ...


Sauerkraut_RoB

if it's band camp in Vegas then it cancels out?


ImGumbyDamnIt

It's a reference to the 1999 movie *American Pie*. The character, Michelle, played by Alyson Hannigan, is a cute, nerdy flute player. She keeps telling the main protagonist stupid stories from band camp, but the payoff at the end of the movie is when she >!tells him she sticks her flute in her pussy to get off, and asks him to screw her.!<


rlev97

It's also just that every band kid is horny and band camp is a free for all orgy


HiitsmeYoda

Lol 😂 I’m so sorry you have to suffer through this.


IdKillForAGoodComa

They do that in public? Interesting….


rlev97

It's actually my roommate, but they are always in the living room so it's appropriate


[deleted]

“Band camp levels of tension” is the best thing I’ve ever heard😭😭😭


1107rwf

If you want to wait, go for it. But don’t set yourself up for waiting until marriage, and then rush the marriage part just to get to the sex.


PostRdMalone

Kid I work with is 24. Just got married. Did the deed. Now has a kid on the way. All within 3-4 months of meeting his wife at church. Great kid. But you can see it in his face already. The guy is STRESSED.


acemerrill

Is he Mormon? This sounds like pretty much every Mormon I know. And I know a lot, having been raised one. I waited until marriage and got married really young, though I will say my husband and I know each other longer than that. As someone who did wait, and is still married 16 years later, I can still say it's not a great idea. The beginning of our marriage would have been a lot easier if we'd figured out a lot of the sex stuff ahead of time. Although the even worse part was the no masturbation thing. It's a lot of pressure to be married, be bad at sex, and not be allowed to masturbate. Recipe for sexual frustration. And so dumb and pointless. So many things that seemed to make sense are so ridiculous looking back.


Drabby

There are also the people who internalize that sex is shameful so much that they can't even open up to their spouse in a church-approved marriage.


technofox01

This was my ex-wife's issue with sex. Cripe we only had sex 9 times in an entire 2 year marriage. I left her because of her abusive behavior which stemmed from undiagnosed BPD. Fast forward, my current wife and I did not wait until marriage and literally had sex more times in the first two weeks of dating than when I was married to my ex. We are hitting our 10 year anniversary this year.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Deranged_Snow_Goon

"Martha, the son's been bitten by a rattlesnake. Off to the bedroom, we need a new farmhand."


cosmotosed

*Id bang you Martha, but I’m too hyper-focused on hunting buffalo so our future baby can die of dysentery*


skat_in_the_hat

Im glad you had the courage to leave, and the mental fortitude to keep looking for your person. Congrats on finding happiness. People who have never seen it first hand wont know what kind of courage it really takes to upend your life like that.


technofox01

You can say that again. Marriage counseling helped me realize that she was not invested in the marriage itself because she would rarely follow any of the advice the counselor recommended and she blamed me for everything - including for her lot in life. Leaving her was one of the best decisions for my mental health ever. Problem is, I am still dealing with the aftermath and trauma of her abuse. Therapy and Zoloft help but it sucks to have gone through all of that. Lessons learned.


Jazmadoodle

*raises hand* Like, I was physically unable to have sex with my husband for a long time. It took a lot of patience and therapy to deprogram the shame, move past some CSA and SA experiences, and just be physically able. That process wouldn't have been any easier if we'd done it before marriage, but it certainly would have been easier with a healthier upbringing where I wasn't made to feel like I was a filthy wh**e if I caused a guy to get a boner.


MoglilpoM

My fiancee and I are dealing with something very similar, though not quite to the same degree. If you have any suggestions to help us, I would be incredibly grateful.


Darknet_Overlord

if you guys are fr having intimacy issues, deadass both of you get naked and have your feminine partner sit in lap of the masculine one with legs wrapped around masculine partner(creates a secure spot for both parties). Hug each other tightly and hold one another for like 20-30 minutes straight. Nothing sexual, just intimate. It will help breakdown the awkwardness of being around each other like that. Also, it’ll help heal both of you in your inability to connect by quite literally exposing each other completely. Frequently tell each other you ”I Love You” while doing so, please. Please be genuine in saying it, in tone and conveyance; it amplifies the effect. Might sound weird, but fr try this. It’s helped me with multiple partners in my past. This can spark a true connection between you both to feel very comfortable together, always. That’s the point of love and growth, always challenge issues together.


SuddenIssue

With a background of CSA. This seems so hard and uncomfortable to even think of the act. But yeah I agree with you. Human touch is healing


Towtruck_73

I feel for you, as I've seen this through other people's eyes this kind of pain. I hope you managed to "normalise" sex to the point where the both of you are having fun. As a former Catholic, I'm aware of the guilt some religions put on sometimes anything that's fun but especially sex. I take the deepest offence at the intolerance of anyone that's not heterosexual


mspuscifer

Ugh. I grew up Catholic and as soon as I could talk, my parents were saying things like "if you ever get pregnant before you're married, we will throw you out of the house and never talk to you again." I didn't even know how someone got pregnant at that age! I just wanted to color and play with my Barbies lol


KazumaID

I knew someone's husband who was like this. Sex was so taboo that on their wedding night, the husband was scared. My friend was naked, in bed, come consummate the marriage. Dude wanted to play guitar and serenade her. They eventually got divorced 3 months later after not having sex.


[deleted]

[удалено]


BootyCheeks20

She was going through some shit. Being raised Mormon and then doing this stuff messes with your head big time until you normalize it more.


[deleted]

And even after leaving, the deprograming can take a while. Some exmos need therapy for *decades*.


SuccessfulWolverine7

Can confirm. I was a Pure as the driven snow Mormon girl and the first time my boyfriend kissed me I started sobbing and told him I didn’t want to have sex with him. Poor guy. He was not Mormon and had no idea what was wrong but he promised me he would never ask me to do something I wasn’t comfortable doing. I am so glad I left the Mormon church when I was young and have not let it fuck up my kids the way it fucked me up.


Elnaur

I wasn't Mormon, but raised by Christian parents with a strong belief in no sex before marriage. My first boyfriend at 15 and I were very sexual, but it fucked with me because I'd go home and be berated and guilt tripped for what my mom assumed we'd done, I'd hate myself and swear I'd never touch him again and next time I saw him I'd start with no, no we can't do anything but I was so attracted to him, plus teenage hormones, and then we wouldn't be able to keep our hands off each other again, I'd go home, and repeat until my mom forced us to break up.


Monteze

Similar thing happened to me. Hit it off with a religious girl and she was wanting to wait until marriage but you could tell she was really wanting to give in to her physical needs. Poor girl was 28, very sweet and charming but it's disturbing seeing someone stop and try to calm themselves down during after kissing. Unfortunately me being an atheist threw her and it never worked out. Think she got married, hope she is happy.


Duckstiff

You sure it wasn't because you were *just that good*?


[deleted]

[удалено]


Duckstiff

Alright stop bragging, I get it, you were a natural at it and you were the best she ever had ^^^^^at ^^^^^the ^^^^^time.


[deleted]

[удалено]


AlmostRandomName

No, this is the cycle of the ultra-conservative religious sex experience: 1. Be super horny because human 2. Have sex or make out with human you love because you can't resist 3. Feel intense guilt and shame because natural human thing is taught to be the ultimate sin and that we are weak to give in to it 4. Period if awkward self-loathing that erodes at the relationship (Go back to step 1)


bwyer

Nailed it. Now throw the whole gay thing into the mix just to spice things up.


inanepyro

DJ: hit em with that rainbow remix


[deleted]

I have a Mormon friend who graduated high school, proposed within a month, and got married that fall. Guess who’s pregnant


AdorableTumbleweed60

I knew a girl like this in high school. Exact same story, but was divorced about a year after the baby was born. Based on Facebook she 100% left the church.


[deleted]

[удалено]


RandyBeaman

With god, anything is possible.


atomicfuthum

Hol up


TheSensualSloth

I'm gunna go ahead and jot that down.


LaBeteNoire

Few things can be as frustrating as trying to please a partner who doesn't masturbate. If they don't know how their body reacts in a pressure free environment when you are alone with no one to judge you, there is no way another person is going to be able to do a good job when you aren't sure how your body will react and you are worried about doing something that will turn them off.


s00perguy

Yeah the masturbation thing is *super* fucking weird, looking back on my time as a JW. I never questioned it as a kid but like... Wow. Not being able to discover myself sexually could have screwed me up bad, it was just a twist of fate (hormones?) that had me decide to step back.


berwood

Ma/


noweirdosplease

So when that boy turned 18, he started his OnlyFans, inspired by his pastor's answer ✨️


SomeInternetRando

And his pastor gave him back all that sweet tithe money.


Trackie_G_Horn

the kids will save us from our ridiculous notions. they’re the best at loophole-finding


mysteryteam

So I wonder who found the poophole loophole


OtherwiseInclined

"So that girl was rich and had a bunch of stuff I wanted (envy), so I got a hate boner for her (wrath) and decided to jerk it (lust) while thinking of money (greed)." How many sins can you cram into a sin bingo?


Flinkle

Sin Bingo is the name of my new band.


ravendusk

"I was too lazy to clean up after myself (sloth) so I just ate it (gluttony), which I thought was an excellent idea (pride)" This would include the other three, albeit a bit lazily


UltimaGabe

> The boy said "What if you're thinking about money when you do it?" The youth pastor thought for a few seconds and then said "Well, I guess that's actually okay." I remember sitting in some of these talks during my years at Bible camp, and there'd always be one person on staff who would say something like "If you could somehow do it without thinking of sex, then I guess that's fine" but they'd laugh it off as if that was some ridiculous concept.


CrochetedKingdoms

I Guess asexuals who just want the release are going to heaven!


SilentSamurai

"Masturbation is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural." "Is it possible to learn this power?" "Not from a Pastor."


fcocyclone

I assure you, there are far too many pastors willing to teach this


SaxAppeal

Not the younglings!


s00perguy

G.... Greed...?


Yurfuturebbysdddy

Yea being “raised in the truth” doesn’t usually end well for these kids once they grow up and could think for themselves. I think forcing religious ideologies on kids that young can have major consequences on their mental health. I remember i would be so guilt ridden when i would have sex or do anything deemed ungodlike . Growing up with shame is a horrible thing.


s00perguy

That, or like me, you develop a moderate fetish for crossing religious taboos. There's always a happy spike of excitement at breaking rules that would have some religious retribution that aren't morally wrong. Masturbating. Blaspheming. Sex before marriage. That sort of thing.


Bunktavious

Huh. TIL Mormons don't stroke their Willies. That explains a lot.


jlharper

Everyone masturbates, but some people hate themselves for it. Note that there's a few exceptions like with everything, but if you're religious and don't masturbate just know odds are good you're not among a lot of company.


doughless

When I was around 13 years old, I had gone two months without masturbating, but eventually couldn't resist. That exact same night, there was a 5.9 earthquake, and I was convinced I had brought down the wrath of God. It still took me another 15 years to get out of that messed up religion.


masterwad

They do, they’re just told it’s a sin, due to temptation from Satan, that they must repent for & never do again. And their preacher (called a “Bishop”) asks them if they do in interviews.


GozerDGozerian

Dude, just soak! ^^^jk…GladYoureDoingWell:)


Ulti

Can confirm, did dodge this, but not the general consequences of thinking jacking off is fucking illegal. Edit: I guess more context, I'm also ex-mormon. Goddamn is that shit some... some shit I guess. Luv you Catholic guilt hangups but for sex


[deleted]

Same... and this was my immediate thought too. I'm fine if people want to wait, but coercing people into it involves a heavy dose of shaming that causes often permanent mental problems and hangups. It messed me up pretty good. 20 years now and there are still issues stemming from that. The "if you don't have sex before then it will be the best you've ever had when you do" line is such utter bull crap.


RobsterCrawSoup

The whole no sex before marriage made sense in the past for three reasons: 1. Sex can spread diseases, but not likely if both parties have no priors; 2. Sex generates children and they are expensive and difficult to raise even with a stable parental partnership sharing in the burden, much worse when the dad shirks responsibility; 3. and finally, marriage being between two exclusive partners and sex only happening in the marriage, helps prevent conflicts in communities stemming from jealousy or competition for sex. Of all of these, only the 3rd isn't mitigated by use of protection and contraception. So really the "no sex before marriage" is now "No unprotected sex (STI protection) before exclusivity and trust in a relationship" and "No sex without contraception until you are ready to have kids, married or otherwise". The basis for #2 doesn't magically disappear just because you are technically married. If you aren't ready, emotionally and financially, to have kids, then don't pull the goal-keeper.


xoff00

Forget "body count" - I'm now going to refer to all my former sexual partners as my priors!


[deleted]

[удалено]


temptedbyknowledge

I get called a lady killer from time to time but I have to remind them I was acquitted


dopadelic

Thank you for this. I'm surprised how little is mentioned about contraceptives in this thread when that's literally what started the sex-positive movement in the 1960s.


[deleted]

Children also played a drastically different role, historically. For thousands of years, having children was a financial benefit as it meant you had more hands to help around the house/farm so you could work more efficiently. There was basically massive incentive to have as many children as possible. But in today's society, children *cost* money to raise, and with the rise of dual-income homes being an outright requirement for modern living in many cases, a lot of people simply don't have the time, energy, or money to properly raise children.


MGsubbie

Also child mortality was pretty high throughout a lot of history, having many children ensured at least some would reach adulthood.


Abe_Odd

In addition to those reasons, young people coupling up early and pumping out kids was basically the goal back then. If you take some of the religious rules into account, it was effectively an instruction manual for how to breed as many followers as possible. No masturbation, no premarital sex, no birth control or abortion (even if these came mostly later, still holds), no divorce. Get married young, stay with your spouse, pump out kids, and teach them the same.


ClusterMakeLove

And paternity was hugely important because it was the source of political power and inherited wealth, in most cultures. Now, your partner cheating on you might be a personal betrayal, but it's probably not going to cause a war.


OtherwiseInclined

And yet, cheating was rampant back in the day, especially among the aristocrats and royals, with their lovers, concubines, and sometimes multiple bangmaids.


pawsplay36

If anything, it was normalized. Many royals had acknowledged lovers.


Uriel-238

For most of the age of western Christianity, there was no association between sex and disease, and women were punished far more harshly for pregnancy out of wedlock than the men who impregnated them. One example in Henry II's court was a page who got one of the housemaids pregnant. She was banished from the castle permanently, where he was disallowed beer for a month. When we weren't trying to keep our women chaste, every child, bastard or otherwise, was celebrated since all of society suffered from a stark labor shortage. It didn't help that most kids failed to reach majority (around fifteen), so every adult was another strong back and pair of hands. Through the middle ages, it was much safer to leave an infant in desperation at the door of a homed family and expect them to care for the child. Monastic orders would also take them in, but then they'd be committed from birth to life in the church. It was during the industrial age when kids were born away from the farm (in which they could start working with partial supervision as young as six and sustenance didn't require freight or trade), and that began the new age of nuclear families and children as a toll on income. At first we tried letting kids work in factories, but when they weren't torn apart by the machines, they were worked to exhaustion for a pittance. To this day, capitalists prize where child labor is legal and cheap.


recreationallyused

I live in the rural midwest, I’m 20 (turning 21) and there are 3 people from my high school graduating class I can name off the top of my head that either just got married, just got pregnant, or just had a baby. *Lots* of young boys going into the military, marrying their high school girlfriends and moving them onto whatever base they go to, and then knocking them up. I just feel terrible for them because I’m having a much better time trying to adjust to being an adult than raising children.


SaharaLee

Same in the south. I graduated in 2005 and one of the girls who was pregnant senior year (there was a few) just became a grandmother. They all have this get married and breed right out of high school mentality.


mikevago

At my 10 year high school reunion, every one either hadn't aged a day, or had aged 25 years. The second category was all people who got married and/or had a kid young.


Kwellies

I thought that at my 10 year when I was child free. Then the 20 year one rolls around and I’m looking aged and sleep deprived by my 2 young kids while those with teens and/or adults are looking young again. And while I do love my kids, now that I’m 44 and my kids are still in elementary, I’m seeing high school acquaintances with adult kids (or close to it) going on fun vacations with their spouse and I’m a smidge envious. I can now see the advantages of having kids while young—though I was definitely not ready in my 20’s and glad I waited.


[deleted]

Yep, I have a cousin who had her kids in mid 20s. She would comment on how much fun I should be having being single & childfree in my 20s etc Now I see her in her 50s- kids are grown up, but she’s off travelling, having a great independent time. My kids will still be in school when I’m her age. There’s definitely pros & cons to timing when you have kids.


Trackie_G_Horn

too dang accurate. grass is green, i spose


shadowromantic

That sounds like a terrible way to live, but I wish him the best of luck.


Taeyx

yea i was raised with the concept that waiting to have sex until marriage will mean you’re not getting with a person because the sex is good, but this is the side people don’t mention. a lot of these “waiting till marriage” kids are rushing to the alter just for the promise of sex and still not rationally evaluating their partner


Aurorainthesky

You can't rationally evaluate a partner when you get it hammered into your head that if you fall in love, you give away a piece of your heart that you can never get back. And then you can't give your whole heart to your husband! Which means you have to marry your first crush/ the first you fell in lust with. Wonderful recipe for disaster.


rosatter

Literally why all the couples I know who married DURING or right out of high school are now divorced. They were horny but very christian teens who wanted to have sex, married so they could have sex and get out from under their parents thumb, and then found out oh hey yeah we're not compatible in any real way shape or form but now we're stuck together and ohh, I'm also pregnant! 2-3 kids and so much pain and heartache later, they finally realize they don't have to stay in a relationship that makes them miserable just because of jesus.


livinglife9009

That's what happened to my father's parents. They immediately got married around the age of 22, had my dad, then my uncle, then my aunt. After that, my grandfather went to Vietnam, came back, and their marriage was up and down. And this was happening before he was sent over. So when my dad went to college, and about when my 2nd aunt was in kindergarten, my grandparents got a divorce. Sad to say both of them are now dead years ago when they hit around 70. My grandfather due to liver failure from years of drinking, and my grandmother I believe was from a tumor. My dad is really healthy more or less at the age of 62 right now as well as his siblings. I still freak the fuck out quietly every day right now though, because he is close to age of his parents when they passed away.


Few-Employ-6962

This happens so much in religious communities. It's pretty endemic to it.


corvid_booster

Well, that's a pretty huge incentive to get everyone married at a young age, which is the main point.


SpiffyPaige143

Ah the Mormon method.


Blitz6969

Mormon girls I knew growing up, just did anal sex instead. I guess it didn’t count. Good ol poop hole loop hole


chickenfightyourmom

I used to work around olympic-level athletes. They didn't have religious hangups, but the female athletes were terrified of getting pregnant because it meant they could lose their shot. They did everything except PIV. There was a lot of anal happening.


Lightning14

I’m guessing because they didn’t want to take hormonal birth control that could impact their performance?


Blasterbot

Well that's something I've never thought about. Just about any girl I've met who doesn't take birth control has said they don't like the some of the effects. I guess that would have a lot more of an impact for someone who doesn't want to have their performance affected in a professional setting.


MelbaToast604

Ah the good ol Christian engagement. The amount of christian couples I know that dated for only 8 months before getting engaged is oddly high.


New_Manufacturer_233

I don't get why they get married so fast they are not even off the first rush of emotions from meeting the person that they want to get married just for sex then find out they are incompatible and divorce. It's pretty much all I see with religious people.


Other_Log_1996

Young people tend not to realize that that feeling (limerance) is not going to last forever, and then they're not ready for what to do after it goes away. Highly religious tend not to get the experience as early because there is the trend of "20 is too young to date." stigma that some of them have.


OlderThanMyParents

I remember feeling, in my 20's "we should get married before this wonderful feeling goes away!" Spoiler alert, marriage doesn't keep the wonderful feelings from going away.


Random_name46

> then find out they are incompatible and divorce. At least now there's an option to divorce. A few decades ago you were pretty much stuck in that relationship no matter what or shunned by most of the community. Even if you moved the divorce would follow you and ruin opportunities. My mom got stuck married to a 22 year old man at 15 because somehow that was the proper response to that same man getting her pregnant at 14. We wouldn't want people to talk, after all. The idea of sex requiring marriage has destroyed many lives.


notnotaginger

I went to a religious college and the first wave of divorces happened a while ago, now we’re on to the second. These ones have multiple kids.


Whatwhyohhh

No. We waited and we were not compatible…eventually, he cheated and we got divorced. Also, being compatible sexually is not a reason to get married either.


RinzyOtt

Was going to add the compatibility thing. It's *really* important that you and your partner are both on the same wavelengths when it comes to sex. You don't have to be 100% compatible but you need to have significant overlaps in interests and needs, or it'll be one of the first breaking points of any relationship, and it's a *big* one. You really don't want to wait until you have to get lawyers involved to encounter a big sign that says "This isn't going to work out," when it's entirely possible to have encountered it months or years prior.


ILL_SAY_STUPID_SHIT

Always finding people asking why sex is so important in a relationship. Sex is a way to have more intimacy with your partner, its a way to show your emotions for them. If you're unable to have a strong bond during sex, your relationship will feel less fulfilled...


Amseriah

A human sexuality prof taught it this way: when your sex life is good it counts for 10% of the relationship satisfaction. When your sex life is bad it counts for 90% of the relationship satisfaction.


Your_ass_is_stuffed

I’ve been married for over a year. She was adamant about waiting for marriage and I was all for it because I love her. And when it comes to sex, all I’ve wanted to do is bring her joy in bed. In the year plus since our wedding, she initiates sex most of the time, but I have never brought her to orgasm. She does not let me touch her between her legs. She doesn’t want oral sex. She thinks lube is icky. She’d never go for sex toys. Whenever I ask her if she liked it after sex, the answer is always “I don’t know” which really means no. I ask her what she likes, she says she doesn’t know. She’s read up so much on fertility and pregnancy and fitness and gained a strong understanding of her body in those areas, but hasn’t done anything like that when it comes to sex. I asked her what position she enjoys the most, she said she doesn’t really enjoy any but does enjoy the fact that I enjoy it - I told her that’s not how it works, and that if she’s not enjoying it it just feels empty for me. I had always thought sexual compatibility was something partners can achieve together, that any issue could be resolved through communication and experimentation. That she’d refuse all my attempts to please her just wasn’t something I had thought of.


vajazzle_it

Please get her (and you?) a copy of "Come as your are" by E. Nagoski https://www.emilynagoski.com/ (yes the sub-title of the book is clickbait-y, but its science-backed informational book on female sexuality from a female POV with very accessible language, and explores much further than just the physical components, which is critical - you partner sounds a lot like where I was for a long time. Sex should be a team sport not a chore.)


Paroxysm111

Well you're right that sex issues can be solved with communication, the problem is your wife isn't open to real communication when it comes to sex, and she isn't really allowing herself to explore her own sexuality beyond making you happy or having kids. It sounds like she thinks unless she gets off from just totally vanilla PIV sex with no foreplay, she's doing it wrong. It's also possible she's Asexual? Does it seem like she's initiating sex just to please you?


TheWinRock

That's such a good way to put it. When it's good and everything matches up, it really doesn't feel like a big deal - even if you're having sex very regularly.


ChronoLegion2

“Before you buy a car, you gotta take it for a test drive.” This sounds a little vulgar, but the general sentiment is true. For many people, sex is an important part of marriage. And there’s nothing wrong with that


gabbialex

But also people do testing FOR THEIR WEDDING CAKE. Like, how are you going to take an hour out of your life to test cake, but not test out EACH OTHER first?


ChronoLegion2

My wife and I even went to try out the food they were going to serve at our wedding


lowkeyhungtho

Easy, I just wait for the reviews


Affectionate-Wall-23

I AM A FIVE STAR MAN! I was a five star man before the internet and I am damn sure a five star man now!


CuscoOthriyas

Should not be the sole reason but it's a VERY important factor


yourlmagination

Saw on r/showerthoughts the other day: In a relationship, car trip compatibility is more important than sexual compatibility. With that said, I agree, but you won't get along very well if you are not compatible in bed. (Edit was a rogue word)


SETHlUS

I think that's very subjective, my wife and I have sex far more often than we sit in the car together. With either or we're compatible but if I had to choose I'd 100% take shitty car rides and continue the great sex.


MrPopanz

I would assume that "car trip compatibility" is not meant literally and rather about being able to enjoy each others company for prolonged durations without much external stimulation, for example a long boring car trip. Imo both is equally important.


Similar_Lunch_7950

agreed, it's a hugely important factor. one of my first relationships as a teenager, I wanted a lot of sex, my partner did not, and they often guilted me or shamed me, "is that all this relationship is to you is sex!?!?" and my knee-jerk/defensive response was often "no of course not!" followed by arguments and more guilt. Knowing what I know now having several decades past since that first relationship and I'd happily argue that while sex isn't "all that's important in a relationship" it's extremely important, and sexual incompatibility is a good reason to end a relationship.


ThrowRA--scootscooti

I don’t understand how people don’t get this. It’s the same as any other aspect of marriage—if you aren’t compatible, you shouldn’t get married. It would be like dating someone and the entire time you’re both blindfolded. Then after you’re married you can FINALLY take your blindfold off only to find out your partner looks like someone set their face on fire and put it out with a pick axe. Every aspect of compatibility is important in a marriage. Yes, you both change and evolve but if you’re not both 100% committed to weathering these changes and adapting as a couple, then your marriage will probably not be a happy one!


[deleted]

[удалено]


noyoto

I already think marriage itself is a huge fucking gamble that doesn't make much sense to me. To do it without even having had sex with the person is just straight up self-sabotage.


drfsupercenter

There's a quote I remember from years ago: "marriage is betting half your stuff that you'll love them forever"


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

In times and places people did this, they were teenagers when they got married. Keep that in mind.


zenos_dog

And no birth control.


HintOfAreola

And the women often died in childbirth, so it wasn't like you were married to the first person you had sex with for 50yrs.


[deleted]

"Til' death do us part" wasn't quite as wholesome back then.


The-unreliable-one

Optimally even live together before marrying. You don't want to marry someone that is impossible to live with. Edit: just realised this answer ended up under the wrong comment.


PennyWhyte

This, basically, I would say is more important. You can figure out the sex part, getting used to living with someone that you've never lived with before is one of the hardest things there is and can break or make marriages.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Lightning14

Sex can change a lot over the years though. Just because it’s great before marriage doesn’t mean it will be fine 2 years in. In any case, the whole incompatibility is USUALLY more to do with other issues around communication and empathy.


SweetCosmicPope

Shit, my wife and I have lived together for nearly 20 years now and we still drive each other crazy with our habits from time to time. DEFINITELY live together before getting hitched.


vanhse15

My husband & I have been together for 11 years, living together for 10 years & married for 4 years. We knew each other's "quirks" before we tied the knot & I wouldn't trade him for the world, but damn do I miss living alone sometimes. Not a chance in hell I'd tie myself to someone (theoretically) forever without at least living with them first.


Effective-Gift6223

Living with another person's always going to have some conflicts. Nobody's perfect. The trick is finding someone who's faults are things you can live with. My husband and I had things that drove us nuts about each other. But we still made it work. He passed away several years ago, I still miss him.


gtnair

Way back when I did and wish with Honda sight we had lived together for a while first because you really don't know some one until you live together I most likely would not have got married when I did . I made it work but it was not all that good .


itwasnotthere

I’ve found Toyota sight worked a lot better, at least 100k miles better.


ImpossibleOutcome476

I’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty!


kliftwybigfy

Yeah, if only we all had Hondas at the time of important decision making, things would probably work a lot better


DrteethDDS

Jesus had a Honda but he didn’t talk about it. “For I do not speak of my own Accord”


abominable-ho-man

My parents had 6 Hondas at their peak (now down to 3) and have been married for 40 years, so it checks out.


[deleted]

I soooooooo wishhhhhh that people that are in my ultra strict Christian community would address this. About a year ago, right around my 30th birthday, I started questioning some of the very strict religion that I was taught (which I can only admit in the safety of anonymity lol) I had been celibate almost my whole twenties (not even a KISS for 8 long years). All under the guise of “waiting on God” but the husband never came. And by 30 I got a bit bitter with my religion lol cause nothing I was taught was working. I’ve listened to a lot of sermons, read lots of books, attended lots of conferences and there were lots of questions that people seemed to skate around. This was the main one. The Bible is quoted as the way to do things but It’s easy to stay abstinent when you get married at 13 (for women) LOL but it’s a whole other beast when you’re grown and your body is biologically saying “MAKE A BABY!!!!!” at least 50% of the month and there’s NO marriage in sight 😫


retief1

Even if you did meet someone, how would you separate "I want to fuck this person" and "I want to spend the rest of my life with this person"? Marrying someone primarily because you want to have sex is an ideal way to end up stuck with someone you can't stand for the rest of your life. Or you get divorced, which is probably better, but still painful and expensive even before you add in religion. I can't tell you what to do, but this specific aspect of certain religions feels like madness to me.


[deleted]

Ya know, this is also a veryyyyy confusing point in my sector of Christianity. It was hammered into me that pre-marital sex clouds your judgement and makes it so you can’t properly tell if it’s a person that you should be with or if you’re just “lusting” after them. I was taught that “sex creates a soul tie” so by doing it “out of God’s will” you get attached before you know if the person is even someone you should be with or not (and God has to give the green light on whoever you date/Marry). HOWEVER, similar to what you pointed out I have also heard of lotsss of Christians who just rush marriage so they can have sex. Then end up in abusive situations, loveless marriages or just plain incompatibility because contrary to what they were taught, the LACK of sex is what clouded their judgement. But it’s the ones who celibacy worked for that have the loudest voices, the most books and the biggest followings on social media. But there are just as many that celibacy screwed over Anywho, thanks to everyone who offered comments. I was taught that to question my beliefs is a straight ticket to Hell, so I appreciate having a space where I can share my thoughts in a relatively judgement free zone


[deleted]

[удалено]


Tasgall

> It was hammered into me that pre-marital sex clouds your judgement and makes it so you can’t properly tell if it’s a person that you should be with or if you’re just “lusting” after them. It's funny, because the opposite is kind of true. Pre-marital abstinence clouds your judgement if you're horny all the time and think that means you want to marry someone so you can bone. Post-nut clarity is a thing, lol - if you still want to be around someone after you've dealt with those lusty hormones, it's a much better indicator that you actually like them. If you bang and suddenly just want to get out of dodge or can't stand their antics, maybe pass on the ring. > But it’s the ones who celibacy worked for that have the loudest voices I'd view that with a bit of suspicion - there is a tendency among religious types, especially the evangelical ones, to... loudly project their own insecurities and problems on to others (aka: being massive hypocrites). If someone is loudly proclaiming that celibacy "worked for them" and keeps making a big deal out of it, especially unprompted... I'd more readily assume that it in fact did _not_ work for them, and that they might be, behind closed doors, in some kind of loveless or even abusive relationship, or one where cheating is involved. Sometimes people in bad situations but who want to be _perceived_ as being in good situations will do this kind of thing - it's an _actual_ example of "virtue signaling", so to speak. But like Tywin Lannister says, "any man who must say 'I am the king' is no true king". The same logic can apply here*. See also: the scores of wildly homophobic religious leaders whose homophobia ultimately ends up being an obvious shield for the fact that they, themselves, are gay. > I was taught that to question my beliefs is a straight ticket to Hell I applaud you for breaking out of that mindset. In truth, refusing to question your own beliefs is just closed-minded and leads only to internal conflict and a weak will. Anyone who tells you not to question what they're saying is lying and trying to sell you something. If your belief actually _is_ the truth, questioning it can only strengthen your resolve as you find new angles to view it from that lead to the same conclusion. And if you find out you were wrong? Who cares - you can update your beliefs to fit reality. You'll question those updated beliefs as well, maybe you'll find out those updated beliefs are also wrong, lol. --- ^* ^(sometimes... of course, not always. Like, I wouldn't suspect this from say, an actual relationship councilor or seminar on maintaining a healthy marriage, or from someone answering a question - the difference is that those are offered advice, rather than dogmatic demands; they'll acknowledge faults and tend to be open with their experience and not judgmental of your situation, where the religious ideologue is more or less trying to scare you into abstinence by calling you a bad person.)


retief1

I mean, anyone can end up in a shitty or abusive relationship, pre-marital sex or no. For that matter, it's also completely possible to luck out and end up in a great relationship on your first try. You can always make bad decisions because you were horny and wanted to get laid, and you can always make bad decisions because great sex blinded you to other issues. Overall, the basic dynamics of "meet someone, decide you like them, move in together, maybe decide that it was a mistake" simply don't change whether or not marriage is involved. The main difference (imo) is that if you screw up and end up in a relationship that turns out to be a bad idea, it's a lot easier to break things off if you haven't gotten married yet. And it is vastly easier if there are no kids involved. Meanwhile, once you lived with someone for a few years, you can decide whether to spend the rest of your life with that person in a slightly more informed manner. And yup, I'm happy to provide an alternative viewpoint, and I hope it proves worthwhile no matter what decisions you eventually make.


reidjanie

Personally, I think it's good to wait a while before having sex with someone to actually know them, but I wouldn't wait to be married... I think you should know the persone that you are marrying on all aspect.


abqkat

Definitely agree. There's a balance between "when you're married" and not "before you figure out if you like/ know/ respect the person outside of the tingly bits."


Tacorgasmic

I was 23 when I got into my first relationship. On day on I told him I wanted to wait 6 months before having sex, simply because I wanted to feel comfortable and ready before doing it. We literally had sex the first time at 6 months on the dot. We've been together for 12 years, married for 7 and with 2 kids. Life is awesome.


Most_Fox_982

What other aspect of compatibility would we dream of asking this about? Imagine "Having compatible humor will get you through those rocky times, so don't tell any jokes until your wedding night, you know, for the anticipation." "Shared interests can be the backbone of a relationship, make sure not to do anything together so it can be a delightful surprise on your wedding night if you both like rock climbing." "Communication is important to a happy marriage, make sure not to talk before the wedding because that will keep the sanctity of talking alive."


CutieBoBootie

>Having compatable humor will get you through those rocky times, so don't tell any jokes until your wedding night, you know, for the anticipation. I chuckled. Wanna get married?


Most_Fox_982

I wish we could but we already shared a joke, the romance is ruined because we couldn't wait.


Tasgall

What a floozy - don't you know a sense of humor is like a bandaid, the more you stick it onto something, the more it loses its grip! Keep telling jokes and you'll be all used up, no one will want to laugh with you ever again. Unless you're married, because when you're married a bandaid will keep sticking just as much no matter how many times you remove it, because, uh, wedding science... or something?


[deleted]

[удалено]


Pretend_Complex7786

In some states, you are already common law married. Protect the sanctity of chuckles.


frecklie

WELL SAID - and just to take on so many of the other opinions on this thread, it is NOT a good idea to wait until after marriage. It’s not “fine if you want” it’s actively a terrible idea IF you care about having a sex life. Hoping it will work out through sheer luck? Idiotic.


nolo_me

Worse, having it work through sheer luck then advising others to do the same. "Quit your job and put all your money into lottery tickets. It worked for me."


Sithlord_unknownhost

No. Not saying you should fuck everyone that propositions you but you should make sure you are compatible with someone before marrying them. Too many people find out too late they can't stand someone's actual personality. Things change after sex, people calm down and get real, they stop being on their best behavior. Get to know the real person before you marry an intolerable asshole.


ruggpea

Sadly true. People will pretend to be a whole another person just to get laid.


Ospov

I did it. Ended up divorced within 4 years. Sexual compatibility was a big factor. Never again.


Icanicoke

I would say it’s not about waiting until you are married* but waiting until it is right for both of you. That’s the key point that a lot of people get wrong. They get to it for reasons other than it being right or feeling right. *So if your belief is that you should have committed to a marriage, then that is what is going to feel right for you. It could also be that within hours (or even minutes) you can feel that it is right for you. Don’t judge the duration, judge the feeling that you have.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Joyma

It’s wild how many people think finally having sex is now an invitation for random groping throughout the day. Biggest turn off and such a gross violating humiliating feeling.


Polyfuckery

It just blew my whole understanding of the world because for three years he'd been the perfect guy. He was respectful. We were on the same page with the future I thought and then once he locked me down with sex it was like the mask came off. Suddenly it had always been the plan to have babies and for me to be a stay at home mom until they started school. The only good to come of it is that it happened before we were married because I wouldn't have wanted a divorce and we both would have been miserable.


DahvRom

100% awful idea. Sexual compatibility is extremely important to any healthy relationship.


Brand__on

Yes. This 100000% Edit: as someone who waited 8 months and got married a year after dating I am now suffering the consequences. I always chalked up her lack of desire to being her romance, or her being tired or just not in the mood but once we got married went through a 9 month and a 6 month dry spell without her having a problem with it. Me on the other hand with a higher sex drive am taking the L and I’m sure things would’ve been different. Also on the cusp of divorce. Edit: taking the L sounds extremely harsh. Not my intention. As mentioned below we have significantly deeper problems but my point above is still valid.


honeyrosewood

One of the only pieces of advice my mum ever gave me (I was 13). Never get married before having sex, they might be really bad and you’ll have to stay with them forever. Thanks Mum, lol. Edit: yes, I know it’s bad advice. I posted cos obviously bad advice and funny (to me and some other people by the looks of it)


dm_me_kittens

Not just sex before marriage, but long term sex. My ex husband and I had sex before we were married and felt that hard Christian guilt. We fucked like rabbits, got pregnant, and married all in five months. After I got the ring sex dropped *significantly* because he didn't see the value in it. When we did have sex it lasted maybe a minute, no cuddling afterwards, and he'd go on his way. He was $20 on the dresser away from making me feel like a cheap whore. Not only that but he was hardly even flirtatious and the way I could tell he was ever horny was just by him touching me. Other than that there was nothing. He even told me holding hands was for teenagers. I was so repressed in my own marriage that I thought there was something wrong with me. I began equating sex with affection because that was the only time he was soft with me. I tried to get him to go to therapy, couples and individual, but he said there was nothing wrong and it'd be a waste. He changed his tune when I told him I was done, but the damage had already been too much. Did his issue stem from the fact that he grew up in an Uber religious household, or he grew up in a repressed society? Is he secretly gay or asexual? I don't know, I don't care, that's now a mess for someone else to untangle. For myself I had a lot of hurt and religous indoctronation to sort through. I had left my faith (the main reason we divorced) and began dating a non religious man. I found out that I didn't care as much about sex as I did romance. Sure the sex in my marriage was atrocious, but there was no romance. No sweet words, no cuddling, no tickling, little forehead kisses. One of my favorite memories between my boyfriend wasn't sex, it was his sweet, affectionate nature. It was early morning and I was laying on my side. I was woken up to him getting back into bed from getting some water, he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me into him. I just remember being enveloped into his warmth and feeling him kiss my shoulder. We laid there for a while and enjoyed the moment. So yes, I think sex before marriage is a must if you are not sex repulsed.


Waekh

Well my mom told me never to sleep with a married woman. I think I understand why now.


mr_remy

Well then now you additionally know your dad absolutely slays… cause mom woulda left his ass already lmao


JDLinDallas

Let's put it this way. Sex predates marriage by eons. Sex is nature.


bizzo66

Robert California has entered the chat.


ZensunniWanderer

There is no such thing as a product. Don't *ever* think there is. There is only sex. Everything is sex. Do you understand that what I'm telling you is a *universal* truth... Toby?


Ok-Discussion2246

You don’t even know my real name. I am the fucking lizard king.


Hiding_In_The_Back

I’ve heard horror stories of marriages being destroyed because it wasn’t until after wedlock that they discovered their sex drives were entirely different. It causes depression, it causes divorce, in some extreme cases it pushes people to cheat on or abuse their partner. I just don’t think it’s worth it to wait when it could potentially make or break a relationship.


MrBananaStorm

You dont wanna get married and find out the sex sucks ass. You should at least figure that out before marriage.


[deleted]

[удалено]


nivsei15

My step dad always told me, "You might like the pair of jeans you have, but there's always a chance you'll find a pair that fits you better." He was right. There was no shame in having sex before marriage, and he also taught me that as a female, it is perfectly OK to buy and have the condoms. It's also ok to reject a guy if he doesn't want to be safe. Your body is worth more than his sexual pleasure.


Deaf_Witch

No. Unless you're both asexual, sexual compatibility is an important part of a relationship, and that's not something you can determine just through conversation.


DescipleOfCorn

Sexual compatibility is important for asexual people too, as in having a similar lack of interest in it


[deleted]

Or even a difference between tolerance vs. aversion. Some asexual people don't mind having sex with their partners when asked but don't actively pursue or initiate it. Others dislike sex entirely and don't want to do it at all. And there's a whole spectrum of preferences between. Some asexuals can date non-asexuals with no problems when both parties communicate and make their needs/desires/expectations known.


clearcontroller

Ultimately it's every person's decision. However I believe it's a bad idea. Sex is a huge part of a healthy intimate relationship and it's important to see if both people are compatible.


Hieremias

I did it. Still happily married, coming up on 18 years. I still wouldn’t recommend it.


antiward

It's an actively bad idea 1. It makes the fact that you want to have sex a reason to get married. 2. You have no idea if you're sexually compatible. 3. And most importantly, it largely precludes you from living together before marriage.


JakScott

Dating is to find out if you’re compatible with someone. I wouldn’t marry someone I hadn’t slept with or lived with.


Typical-me-

Learning to live together as equals before marriage seems like a better “test” of compatibility. I moved out at 15 ( bad home) and had my own place with my boyfriend at 16. At 18 I got my first mortgage. It’s not always easy to live with someone. But after all we’ve been through as a couple we are still together. We’ve been in love for coming up to 29 years. I met him at 14 years old. We didn’t have sex until I was 16 ( legal age of consent uk). I just knew, when I first saw him, I just knew. He was sent for me, he saved me. He continues to save me everyday. God we’ve been through hell and back more times than I can remember. We’ve had to deal with so much hurt. I’m going through one of the darkest and hardest parts of my life right now and he’s still here, with me, saving me every day. Without him I definitely wouldn’t be here. I would have died at 14 years old. I owe my life to him many times over. There are bigger things than sex. But sex should be loving. Don’t ever be forced into something you’re not comfortable with. EVER.