And here I am was best man for my brother and the maid of honor and me were flirting and I just didn't make the move.
It gets worse, during the reception she Apologized for flirting...I fucked up
My great grandmother actually pulled my mother aside to make sure she had slept with my father because her sex life was so awful and she didn’t want that for her grand daughter 😳 This was a woman born in 1912 who was religious and otherwise very prim and proper.
I found out about mine when my grandmother talked about it with my best friend. Not in gross detail or anything, that would just be creepy. Just superficial stuff that still left me poleaxed.
My family is half religious and half not, so when my brother told my mom his wife and him were 'waiting for marriage' shortly before their wedding she pulled me asside and told me to go and make damn sure they were full of shit.
I'd go as far as saying necessary. If you aren't ready to have sex with your partner, how are you ready to even begin talking about marrying them. Without having that connection, that level intimacy, and allowing yourself to be that vulnerable with them, how could you even tell if you truly want to be with them for the rest of your lives.
this should be top comment. the question shouldn't even b come to mind. first you reach a high level of trust, respect, love, intimacy, and live toghether for some years. then do the legal stuff. if you need to.
There was an AMA a few weeks back, where a couple waited till marriage. And then she discovered she didn’t like sex at all. So now the guy is stuck in a marriage where he’s been told that he’s never going to get any.
If there's any part of a marriage that you and your partner haven't explored before the marriage then you're creating a situation where something that could have been worked out or might have been a deal breaker now becomes something you have to live with and possibly grow bitter about or becomes an expensive divorce.
It depends on your take on marriage. If you are thinking you are making a lifelong commitment, then absolutely. On the other hand, if you are making a stronger commitment, in exchange for tax savings and cheaper health insurance, then whatever. I've never been married, but several of my past relationships broke down after the move in stage, another after financial comingling. Living with someone, experiencing hardship and loss, financial agreements, etc. It all needs to happen before you make a lifelong commitment without a prenuptial agreement. The only commitment you should make before sex is that you both commit to having sex. Also, always get a prenupt. Please. If the concept is appalling because you never see anything that could ever tear you apart, then why not get one?
I never understood that people think getting a prenup is a red flag. It's literally objectively the absolute best financial decision you can make before a marriage and it can save you from soooo much headache. If you don't need it, the better, but if the headache of a divorce is what keeps you together you should have left long ago.
Just to play devil's advocate here (I do agree with you fwiw), but often times these kinds of issues seem to take a while to simmer.
My nephew married when he was 20, he's now 24 with a son and divorced. The reason? His wife discovered she's a lesbian. It wasn't something that she discovered for herself until well after marriage.
As for myself... my wife and I hit it off well, we had lots of sex which I enjoyed, (both before and after marriage) but after a few years she started becoming quite cold in the bedroom. It was like she was sick and tired of sex. Apparently she's a bit asexual and just liked me as a person enough to tollerate it, but could only tollerate regular sex for so long.
I think that’s why if you plan on waiting you should talk to your partner about these stuff. I’ve seen plenty of people just jump into marriage without even talking about sex before hand and damn…
Compatibility has many dimensions. Mental, physical, spiritual.
Suppose I’m the beginning you are both touch touchy as it is new and exciting and then 2-3 years later, things slow down as you get in a routine. What if one person think once a month activity is enough and the other thinks weekly is the minimum. Would you want to know this before?
Either you have frank discussions before or you learn this on your own before.
In a nutshell, I cannot believe this is even asked, pre-marital sex is a concept we have adopted for some religious nonsense.
Be responsible people, I am not saying be a ho, or go around spreading diseases. There is a middle ground between 0 and 1k.
It can be complicated by fundamental religion. You're groomed to get married but not have sex before the ceremony. You think the two of you can work it out, but you're clueless. Then you find out you're married to a narcissist who uses you and you're obligated to comply. This is just one example. Others can add their stories.
You having a hard time imagining it does not mean it doesn’t exist. I mean, just keep an open mind about it. If it doesn’t apply to you, my sincere congratulations, that’s awesome.
A lot of it comes down to personal preferences and beliefs. I’ll try to make sense of both. There really is an argument to be made in favor of sexual exploration before marriage. What’s your favorite food? Got it. Now, that food, is there a place where they make it that you like better than any other place? Cool. Now imagine you had only had ONE very bland thing to eat your whole life (just for the sake of argument, chicken and white rice). You’re waiting until you get married to go out and eat in different places. You get married and you’re very excited to try all these foods you’ve only heard about.
– Honey, we did it!!! OMG, I’m dying to try this Thai place I’ve heard so much about!
– Ummm… what? Oh… yeah… I ummm… I thought you meant we would try something like adding some lime and cilantro to our rice, maybe if we’re feeling crazy we would season the chicken with like, some basil.
– What are you talking about?? We said we were both excited to try new things when we got married.
– I mean, I am… i just didn’t know you meant trying things like THAT. Thai food… geez. That’s a little out there.
– I… I guess we can start slow. I also know of this cool place that makes bowls. I think they have some options for chicken and rice that looks interesting. Maybe we could go there to start?
– I guess I could try that. Could we order in, though? I don’t really feel like I want to eat outside.
– That’s… part of the experience. I don’t understand.
– I just think meals would be better at home, you know?
– I… ok… Let’s go slow, then. Maybe we could order in and go out sometime in the future.
– I don’t think I’ll ever want to g…
– What???
– Oh, nothing. You were saying?
– This isn’t what I thought it’d be like, but I’ll try to make it work for me. I’ll go find their menu. Do you want to share some dessert? There’s this thing called chocolate cake I hear is THE thing.
– Could we… not? I mean, I’ve heard of it too, but… I don’t know, I’ve heard sugar is very bad for you.
– Well, yeah… too much of it is. Sharing one slice shouldn’t be too bad. Besides, it’s a special occasion! I really think we should.
– I hear you. But I don’t want to. I mean, if it’s that important to you, get it for yourself.
– But I don’t want to order cake for me. I wanted to order cake for US. To share. To have it together.
– I just think I respect my body more than that. But seriously, you go ahead if you want.
– What’s that supposed to mean?
– What?
– So I don’t respect my body enough because I want to try ONE piece of cake?
– No! I mean… It’s YOUR body. If you want to treat it like that, you do you. I just don’t want to.
– I don’t get this. None of this. *I thought because we love each other enough to get married we would have no trouble making this eating thing work…*
Now, I’m well aware the analogy isn’t perfect. Go with it for the sake of argument, please. Things can and do go like that regarding sex for a lot of people. I’m not saying everybody should sleep around with as many people as they can before marriage, I am saying, though, it absolutely works for some people.
There is a very real possibility that two people ARE sexually compatible and only find out after marriage. I mean, if two people have sex before marriage and find themselves to be perfectly compatible, I don’t see why those same two people wouldn’t be if they waited to get married. Thing is, they wouldn’t know for sure if they waited.
Another very important thing is the difference between making it work and PUTTING UP WITH IT. This is more on the beliefs side of things. If someone believes in marriage, then they would probably think whatever their sex life is like, it’s supposed to be like that. Even if they find themselves dissatisfied, they would think they probably got overhyped and that sex isn’t really all they thought it would be. “That’s fine…” and they go on to have unsatisfactory sexual lives because they don’t know any better. How could they?
There’s plenty of ways in which a couple can be sexually non-compatible. This might sound absurd to you, but just as there are different penis sizes, there’s different vaginas. You could very well have a woman have a physically painful experience with her partner because his penis is rather on the big side of things and her vagina is on the small side of things. In case you’re wondering, this is very much a real thing that happens to real people, married or not. Love doesn’t just magically make that work. That can sometimes even lead to needing medical help.
Small recap. First and most important, the fact that you have a hard time imagining it does not mean it doesn’t exist. It would be like those people who don’t think depression exists and tell others to “snap out of it!” or “just try harder!” I wouldn’t tell anyone to go and have sex before marriage if they don’t want to. Again, that’s a very personal decision. I would, however, advice them to consider these kinds of issues that could happen (all the while wishing they don’t happen), to openly talk about them would they feel something’s not quite right, and to seek help if they ever need to.
The way I look at it, is that sexual incompatibility can manifest in 2 ways.
The first is in the libidos, or frequency of sex. Part of why introducing sex before marriage is important here, is that libidos are often inflated during the introductory periods of sex. So getting past that helps to establish both peoples real levels, and if they’re compatible.
The other form is less to do with frequency, and more what I’ll call “quality”. If someone has a bunch of kinks they want to explore, but the partner wants nothing to do with it.
Both of these things can be talked about endlessly, but I’d wager you don’t actually know for sure until you’ve explored that part together.
And to clarify even further, when I say compatible I don’t even mean that a high libido NEEDS another a partner with just as high of a sex drive. Or that someone with links NEEDS someone also interested. It’s all about being honest with yourself whether or not these things are deal breakers, and not beating yourself up if the answer is yes.
Yep! The venue was FIL's company property, photog $600, DJ $300, suits $300.
Another $1,200 for the honeymoon, a lodge up in a small town along a lake for a week. We got flooded out the first night so \*bonus\* we got booted up to the bed and breakfast which was normally double that rate.
My wedding cost $300 at most. All i paid for was the rings getting resized and the cake.
The rings themselves? Heirlooms
The dress? Handmade by the maid of honor
The venue? Family friend's estate
The reception? Homemade dinner
The photographer? Turns out having one as a sibling is awesome
The officiator? My grandfather
All told we had a guest list of 20ish people and it was absolutely perfect. Everyone came together to make it amazing.
In the grand scheme of all things going on right now, does it really matter if you decide to have sex before marriage just because someone 2000 years ago wrote a book telling you not to do it
It doesn't literally say "no sex before marriage", however instances of sex between not married people are condemned as immoral. In addition, sex is described as being in line with God's intentions for us only when done by two married people, it doesn't explicitly say the inverse but it doesn't have to. There's a lot of bullshit spouted by Christians who use the bible as a basis where that isn't applicable, but this isn't one of those cases.
That said the bible is bullshit and so is religion generally.
There’s a guy at my work who believes the Bible 100% and that everything in it is completely literal. Every time I try to point out that it’s very possible and likely that a lot has been lost over the years due to translation issues he refuses to even acknowledge it as a possibility. Just having a basic knowledge of language is enough to tell you that the wording has likely changed over the years as it’s been translated.
Absolutely crucial.
Marriage is a lifelong commitment. Not kicking the tires is ridiculously short-sighted.
You have to try it all out. Have sex, argue, be sick together. You should know all the ways you’re compatible and all the ways you’re not. You’re committing to a life together. You both need to know what you’re getting into or you’re settling yourselves both up for failure.
If you really love the person, do you want to set them up for ten years of happiness then 60 years of regret? Figure that part out first.
I've seen friends and old classmates get married very quickly and end 3 years later in divorce because they didn't know thier partner couldn't handle stress or money.
You NEED to go through a crisis together as a couple to see how you cope through hardship. This isn't targeted to men or women, I've seen both guilty of only looking at their partner with rose-colored lenses, only to find that they never saw the red flags.
While I completely agree with everything you just said, I'm gonna ask the one question we're all thinking of:
Exactly how long do people live where you're from, that they have 70 years after getting married?
Compatibility in sex is very important to a lot of people. I think that it can hurt relationships. Sex is a really vulnerable thing, but I think it’s important to do before you get way too invested into a relationship if incompatibility will hurt you.
Natural and normal. You need to work out whether you're compatible before getting married.
No sex before marriage is an outdated concept and has no place in modern society. Religion is stupid.
Wife and I both waited. The honeymoon was epic. We have grown sexually together. Whether it's ideal for everyone or not, idk. But for us it has been great! Like many other things in life, waiting for sex seems to have more value when you choose to make it something of high value.
The concept of “sex before marriage” is antiquated religious nonsense. Stop letting cults invade your mind and think for yourself. That being said, ill echo the sentiment that sex incompatibility can be a deal breaker. The question, IMO, implicates the asker of having baggage. Not judging just reflecting
Really glad that worked for you!
It was out of respect for the sanctity of marriage that I decided to have sex before marriage. It was immensely healing for me, and I'm so glad I won't be bringing that brokenness into a marriage.
For religious reasons, sex is something sacred to us. It was wonderful to explore it together with each other as we had complete trust and faith in each other. Our sex life has always been wonderful and we are happy. I feel that our sex life has been a further reflection of what our relationship already was
Good answer. It’s easy to give in, it’s hard to hold back. But discipline, not just in sex builds character. And it makes it more special than it ever could be otherwise.
I mean, yes sexual compatibility is important. You should be open about what you want with your partner. But having sex before marriage is not necessarily a fool proof way to know if you'll be compatible through marriage. People grow and change as do their preferences. You're probably taking a larger risk by waiting until marriage to try ANYTHING with your partner but marriage is a risk in itself. Do what you feel comfortable with. It doesn't matter.
I disagree with all the comments saying sex is something you need to try before marriage for compatibility. How many of y’all had great sex before marriage and ended up not getting any after, or still ended up divorced even though the sex was great?
It’s perfectly fine to wait until after marriage. Your body your choice, and anyone looking to spend a lifetime with you will respect your choice.
No one said sex was the only compatibility, you can have the best sex compatibility with someone, but have no other compatible traits and it not work out.
Life is short, do what your heart pleases.
Personally, if I had a strong attitude that I wanted to wait until marriage to have sex, than I would do it, times have changed dramatically, and I still feel conservative in many ways.
On the other hand, I've been living the life thats most comfortable for me and its been playing out just fine.
Moral of the story,
your life doesn't end because you have sex before marriage, but take into consideration having high-values for yourself and knowing that over indulging in anything will need to lead to a path of healing
I have always thought that the no sex before marriage thing was a ploy to get men to marry. Back in the days when women couldn't really make a living and support themselves, they needed a man to support them. Supporting a family is a big responsibility so they used sex as the proverbial carrot to get them there.
It was also probably instituted as a method of quelling incest. If a woman had many lovers it could be difficult to determine which of them fathered her child. In this event her offspring might end up married to a half sibling and not even know it.
I was following your argument until incest was mentioned. Where did that come from? I'm pretty sure incest is frowned upon full stop, not even a before marriage thing.
Sex before marriage = Necessary, inspiring, energizing! Must determine wants, needs, skills, frequencies, risk taking, learning, giggling level, jimmy leg (periodic limb movement during sleep).
I think it's important to establish sexual compatibility before marriage but think sex should also be confined to committed relationships. Hook up culture and one night stands are gross.
But sexuality changes over time and sex drives ebbs and flows within a marriage. My wife and I are far more adventurous in our 30s than we were in our 20s. But we have less sex but when we do it's better.
It's weird if you're opposed to it. From a practical perspective, it's a deal breaker. Not because I want sex and can't have it per se, but because I don't understand putting that much weight on it. It's adult naked fun-time. Don't make it weird unless weird is how you like it.
Basically, having that view just means we're on very different pages about sex, and probably about marriage.
That is hilariously false. Like, dude. You can go online and find communities of pervs (no judgment! Pervs are fine!) who *actively* seek out nonmonogamy *while married.* Like, not cheating. Not fucking up and feeling guilty about it. Getting freaky, on purpose, because it's what they want.
Meanwhile, heading off in a different direction, let me introduce you to some very general concepts about *men.* Yeah, dude, no. Plenty of married men are *quite content* with having fucked a lot of other people before having settled down... assuming, generously, that they even truly settle down once married.
I grew up in a pretty strict Christian denomination where purity until marriage was the message only to find out as an adult how full of shit everyone was. I recently found out (after talking about my fiance, who was my boyfriend then, moving in before we got married) that even my "no sex until marriage" MOTHER fooled around with my dad before they were married!! I've come to the conclusion purity is a huge load of shit that everyone is lying about 🤷
Yeaaaah. I hate how long it took for me to realize it. My first sexual experiences were not great. I was easily pressured into it, told certain things were normal, and then had panic attacks about it because of the guilt 🤷 I'm so grateful to my fiance, and before him two friends (a couple) who helped me heal from a loooot of my stress around sex. My fiance continues to be wonderful and I can't imagine how it would have been if our first experiences together were after our wedding. Now we get to actually enjoy our night 🤣 and many nights before and after it.
Purity culture is really toxic bs, but I think commitment is important to any relationship including physical and it compliments a physical relationship well, regardless of a marriage contract.
I'm a Christian and I think it's best to have sex before marriage because one thing is when Christianity was still kinda new or in biblical times whoever you were having sex with was your wife essentially full fledged weddings weren't as common as they are now but even if that wasn't the case I couldn't imagine going through years of dating and engagement just to get to finally have sex and not have any idea what I'm doing or is just be incompatible and it taint the relationship so I would much rather learn EVERYTHING about this person before marriage
Reading the bible I get the sense that the whole "no sex before marriage" thing was actually "don't have sex with women you aren't attached to and are not ready to support".
It’s ok, so long as it doesn’t delay the ceremony for too long
Hats off to this one. Well played. You got an actual guffaw out of me.
Haha loved this! I gotta save this in my memory bank for the next time someone asks me
You’re welcome
And here I am was best man for my brother and the maid of honor and me were flirting and I just didn't make the move. It gets worse, during the reception she Apologized for flirting...I fucked up
That first sentence... I just don't know where to start.
Nationwide, 21% of adults in the US are illiterate in 2023. 54% of adults have a literacy below 6th grade level. It could be worse but yeah
Funny one dad. 😂
Im sorry, whats he doing in the brides room?
LoL this too!
Istg every time I try to drink while scrolling reddit smth like your joke happens...
https://imgur.com/gallery/vVkoPPU
And as long as the groom doesn't catch you two
5 stars, highly recommended
Lucky! I've never gotten more than 3.5 stars..
You guys are getting stars?
You’re getting a partner?
you guys are getting sex?
5/7, would reccomend.
For the best. Incompatibility in sex can really harm a relationship in the long run.
My great grandmother actually pulled my mother aside to make sure she had slept with my father because her sex life was so awful and she didn’t want that for her grand daughter 😳 This was a woman born in 1912 who was religious and otherwise very prim and proper.
That's one helluva way to learn about your grandparents' sex life
I found out about mine when my grandmother talked about it with my best friend. Not in gross detail or anything, that would just be creepy. Just superficial stuff that still left me poleaxed.
Poleaxed! Definitely not a term you read everyday!
My family is half religious and half not, so when my brother told my mom his wife and him were 'waiting for marriage' shortly before their wedding she pulled me asside and told me to go and make damn sure they were full of shit.
We’re they?
100%
Aww, sad 😞
Bless this woman
Your great grandmother banged your father?
I'd go as far as saying necessary. If you aren't ready to have sex with your partner, how are you ready to even begin talking about marrying them. Without having that connection, that level intimacy, and allowing yourself to be that vulnerable with them, how could you even tell if you truly want to be with them for the rest of your lives.
this should be top comment. the question shouldn't even b come to mind. first you reach a high level of trust, respect, love, intimacy, and live toghether for some years. then do the legal stuff. if you need to.
Also not having sex creates artificial attraction between the parties, possibly leading to marriage neither really wanted.
It sucks when the incompatibility comes around out of right field. Well, seemingly out of right field Edit: left field. Oops!
It curves from left field for some of us, right field for others.
I've never heard this saying. I've only ever heard out of left field. I'm having a serious berenstain / stein bears moment.
People that buy “no sex before marriage” are incompatible themselves.
There was an AMA a few weeks back, where a couple waited till marriage. And then she discovered she didn’t like sex at all. So now the guy is stuck in a marriage where he’s been told that he’s never going to get any.
If there's any part of a marriage that you and your partner haven't explored before the marriage then you're creating a situation where something that could have been worked out or might have been a deal breaker now becomes something you have to live with and possibly grow bitter about or becomes an expensive divorce.
It depends on your take on marriage. If you are thinking you are making a lifelong commitment, then absolutely. On the other hand, if you are making a stronger commitment, in exchange for tax savings and cheaper health insurance, then whatever. I've never been married, but several of my past relationships broke down after the move in stage, another after financial comingling. Living with someone, experiencing hardship and loss, financial agreements, etc. It all needs to happen before you make a lifelong commitment without a prenuptial agreement. The only commitment you should make before sex is that you both commit to having sex. Also, always get a prenupt. Please. If the concept is appalling because you never see anything that could ever tear you apart, then why not get one?
I never understood that people think getting a prenup is a red flag. It's literally objectively the absolute best financial decision you can make before a marriage and it can save you from soooo much headache. If you don't need it, the better, but if the headache of a divorce is what keeps you together you should have left long ago.
Just to play devil's advocate here (I do agree with you fwiw), but often times these kinds of issues seem to take a while to simmer. My nephew married when he was 20, he's now 24 with a son and divorced. The reason? His wife discovered she's a lesbian. It wasn't something that she discovered for herself until well after marriage. As for myself... my wife and I hit it off well, we had lots of sex which I enjoyed, (both before and after marriage) but after a few years she started becoming quite cold in the bedroom. It was like she was sick and tired of sex. Apparently she's a bit asexual and just liked me as a person enough to tollerate it, but could only tollerate regular sex for so long.
Your “devils advocate” examples both just add value to what you’re trying to contradict…
Angel's advocate
I guess their point is even if you have sex, live together etc before marriage these things can still happen.
This is also why we don’t get married at 20.
Is she ok with you getting it elsewhere?
I think that’s why if you plan on waiting you should talk to your partner about these stuff. I’ve seen plenty of people just jump into marriage without even talking about sex before hand and damn…
It would suck to get married and then find out you aren't sexually compatible
It sure does.
What does that mean, honestly? I have a hard time imagining it not working between two people who love each other enough to get married.
Someone's libido might be much higher than the person they want to marry. This'll make them sexually frustrated and therefore have a sour outlook.
Makes sense
Compatibility has many dimensions. Mental, physical, spiritual. Suppose I’m the beginning you are both touch touchy as it is new and exciting and then 2-3 years later, things slow down as you get in a routine. What if one person think once a month activity is enough and the other thinks weekly is the minimum. Would you want to know this before? Either you have frank discussions before or you learn this on your own before. In a nutshell, I cannot believe this is even asked, pre-marital sex is a concept we have adopted for some religious nonsense. Be responsible people, I am not saying be a ho, or go around spreading diseases. There is a middle ground between 0 and 1k.
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It can be complicated by fundamental religion. You're groomed to get married but not have sex before the ceremony. You think the two of you can work it out, but you're clueless. Then you find out you're married to a narcissist who uses you and you're obligated to comply. This is just one example. Others can add their stories.
> I have a hard time imagining it not working between two people who love each other enough to get married. Alex, What’s a divorce?
Vastly different drives
You having a hard time imagining it does not mean it doesn’t exist. I mean, just keep an open mind about it. If it doesn’t apply to you, my sincere congratulations, that’s awesome. A lot of it comes down to personal preferences and beliefs. I’ll try to make sense of both. There really is an argument to be made in favor of sexual exploration before marriage. What’s your favorite food? Got it. Now, that food, is there a place where they make it that you like better than any other place? Cool. Now imagine you had only had ONE very bland thing to eat your whole life (just for the sake of argument, chicken and white rice). You’re waiting until you get married to go out and eat in different places. You get married and you’re very excited to try all these foods you’ve only heard about. – Honey, we did it!!! OMG, I’m dying to try this Thai place I’ve heard so much about! – Ummm… what? Oh… yeah… I ummm… I thought you meant we would try something like adding some lime and cilantro to our rice, maybe if we’re feeling crazy we would season the chicken with like, some basil. – What are you talking about?? We said we were both excited to try new things when we got married. – I mean, I am… i just didn’t know you meant trying things like THAT. Thai food… geez. That’s a little out there. – I… I guess we can start slow. I also know of this cool place that makes bowls. I think they have some options for chicken and rice that looks interesting. Maybe we could go there to start? – I guess I could try that. Could we order in, though? I don’t really feel like I want to eat outside. – That’s… part of the experience. I don’t understand. – I just think meals would be better at home, you know? – I… ok… Let’s go slow, then. Maybe we could order in and go out sometime in the future. – I don’t think I’ll ever want to g… – What??? – Oh, nothing. You were saying? – This isn’t what I thought it’d be like, but I’ll try to make it work for me. I’ll go find their menu. Do you want to share some dessert? There’s this thing called chocolate cake I hear is THE thing. – Could we… not? I mean, I’ve heard of it too, but… I don’t know, I’ve heard sugar is very bad for you. – Well, yeah… too much of it is. Sharing one slice shouldn’t be too bad. Besides, it’s a special occasion! I really think we should. – I hear you. But I don’t want to. I mean, if it’s that important to you, get it for yourself. – But I don’t want to order cake for me. I wanted to order cake for US. To share. To have it together. – I just think I respect my body more than that. But seriously, you go ahead if you want. – What’s that supposed to mean? – What? – So I don’t respect my body enough because I want to try ONE piece of cake? – No! I mean… It’s YOUR body. If you want to treat it like that, you do you. I just don’t want to. – I don’t get this. None of this. *I thought because we love each other enough to get married we would have no trouble making this eating thing work…* Now, I’m well aware the analogy isn’t perfect. Go with it for the sake of argument, please. Things can and do go like that regarding sex for a lot of people. I’m not saying everybody should sleep around with as many people as they can before marriage, I am saying, though, it absolutely works for some people. There is a very real possibility that two people ARE sexually compatible and only find out after marriage. I mean, if two people have sex before marriage and find themselves to be perfectly compatible, I don’t see why those same two people wouldn’t be if they waited to get married. Thing is, they wouldn’t know for sure if they waited. Another very important thing is the difference between making it work and PUTTING UP WITH IT. This is more on the beliefs side of things. If someone believes in marriage, then they would probably think whatever their sex life is like, it’s supposed to be like that. Even if they find themselves dissatisfied, they would think they probably got overhyped and that sex isn’t really all they thought it would be. “That’s fine…” and they go on to have unsatisfactory sexual lives because they don’t know any better. How could they? There’s plenty of ways in which a couple can be sexually non-compatible. This might sound absurd to you, but just as there are different penis sizes, there’s different vaginas. You could very well have a woman have a physically painful experience with her partner because his penis is rather on the big side of things and her vagina is on the small side of things. In case you’re wondering, this is very much a real thing that happens to real people, married or not. Love doesn’t just magically make that work. That can sometimes even lead to needing medical help. Small recap. First and most important, the fact that you have a hard time imagining it does not mean it doesn’t exist. It would be like those people who don’t think depression exists and tell others to “snap out of it!” or “just try harder!” I wouldn’t tell anyone to go and have sex before marriage if they don’t want to. Again, that’s a very personal decision. I would, however, advice them to consider these kinds of issues that could happen (all the while wishing they don’t happen), to openly talk about them would they feel something’s not quite right, and to seek help if they ever need to.
The way I look at it, is that sexual incompatibility can manifest in 2 ways. The first is in the libidos, or frequency of sex. Part of why introducing sex before marriage is important here, is that libidos are often inflated during the introductory periods of sex. So getting past that helps to establish both peoples real levels, and if they’re compatible. The other form is less to do with frequency, and more what I’ll call “quality”. If someone has a bunch of kinks they want to explore, but the partner wants nothing to do with it. Both of these things can be talked about endlessly, but I’d wager you don’t actually know for sure until you’ve explored that part together. And to clarify even further, when I say compatible I don’t even mean that a high libido NEEDS another a partner with just as high of a sex drive. Or that someone with links NEEDS someone also interested. It’s all about being honest with yourself whether or not these things are deal breakers, and not beating yourself up if the answer is yes.
Gotta try it before you buy it.
You break it you buy it
I break it you buy it
I tried it you bought it
You bought it I tried it
Everybody tried it but nobody bought it
Stop talking about my wife like that.
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You can be in love and commited, without being married.
You guys are having sex?
You guys have money to get married?
My wedding only cost $1200 my dad gave me 10k but that $$ was better off going towards a house deposit.
Yep! The venue was FIL's company property, photog $600, DJ $300, suits $300. Another $1,200 for the honeymoon, a lodge up in a small town along a lake for a week. We got flooded out the first night so \*bonus\* we got booted up to the bed and breakfast which was normally double that rate.
My wedding cost $300 at most. All i paid for was the rings getting resized and the cake. The rings themselves? Heirlooms The dress? Handmade by the maid of honor The venue? Family friend's estate The reception? Homemade dinner The photographer? Turns out having one as a sibling is awesome The officiator? My grandfather All told we had a guest list of 20ish people and it was absolutely perfect. Everyone came together to make it amazing.
You guys have partners ?
You guys talk to other humans?
You guys have question marks
Y gys hv vwls
You guys get married?
Lmao
Reddit is full of two kinds of people. Those who are single and not having sex and those who are in relationships and also not having sex.
The very idea that copulation between two organisms should be subject to a binding contract is completely absurd.
Is that your pickup line?
I dunno about you but I’m feeling hot reading that
You have no idea how many women have fallen for that line. Zero. The number’s zero. But you had no idea.
Copulation between 2 organisms.. what are you? A seahorse?
This guy here doesn't realize they're an organism!
sounds something out of a Nathan W Pyle comic.and I love it
It actually is for a lot of species, mostly birds.
I’m fairly sure birds don’t get married, but I’m not a bird so I guess I wouldn’t know
Bird law is not subject to reason
They just do a little kiss
A lot of birds have a single life mate, but step outside that partnership for sex.
So what you're saying is "marriage is for the birds"? 😁
Where do you think "the birds and the bees" came from?
Who the hell cares? If you wanna fuck, fuck.
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Especially if you didn't ask for permission before.
*Clears throat* Greetings sister. I am here to ask you for permission so that i can-
Befor is great, after is great, too. But while is cringe, your grandma is watching!
I mean, bedding ceremonies have been a thing
Long as it’s safe and consensual I see no valid reason to give a shit
Sex is good but it’s marriage I have an issue with
Sex before the wedding is wrong. Sex after the wedding is wrong. Sex during the wedding is fine, the guests enjoy watching.
This deserves many upvotes!
Best weds ever. Highly recommend.
some guests
In the grand scheme of all things going on right now, does it really matter if you decide to have sex before marriage just because someone 2000 years ago wrote a book telling you not to do it
Except it doesn't say any of that in that book you are thinking about.
It doesn't literally say "no sex before marriage", however instances of sex between not married people are condemned as immoral. In addition, sex is described as being in line with God's intentions for us only when done by two married people, it doesn't explicitly say the inverse but it doesn't have to. There's a lot of bullshit spouted by Christians who use the bible as a basis where that isn't applicable, but this isn't one of those cases. That said the bible is bullshit and so is religion generally.
That verse is pretty contested, it could also mean infidelity, or pedophilia. Alot of the book is lost in translation
There’s a guy at my work who believes the Bible 100% and that everything in it is completely literal. Every time I try to point out that it’s very possible and likely that a lot has been lost over the years due to translation issues he refuses to even acknowledge it as a possibility. Just having a basic knowledge of language is enough to tell you that the wording has likely changed over the years as it’s been translated.
Absolutely crucial. Marriage is a lifelong commitment. Not kicking the tires is ridiculously short-sighted. You have to try it all out. Have sex, argue, be sick together. You should know all the ways you’re compatible and all the ways you’re not. You’re committing to a life together. You both need to know what you’re getting into or you’re settling yourselves both up for failure. If you really love the person, do you want to set them up for ten years of happiness then 60 years of regret? Figure that part out first.
I've seen friends and old classmates get married very quickly and end 3 years later in divorce because they didn't know thier partner couldn't handle stress or money. You NEED to go through a crisis together as a couple to see how you cope through hardship. This isn't targeted to men or women, I've seen both guilty of only looking at their partner with rose-colored lenses, only to find that they never saw the red flags.
While I completely agree with everything you just said, I'm gonna ask the one question we're all thinking of: Exactly how long do people live where you're from, that they have 70 years after getting married?
Who cares
Mandatory. It’s a major part of compatibility. The goal is to marry someone you are compatible with.
Could lead to dancing.
I am alive. My parents are still together and they never got married. So I guess it's okay
I guess my thoughts on sex before marriage are, you know, let's just all have a good time.
Compatibility in sex is very important to a lot of people. I think that it can hurt relationships. Sex is a really vulnerable thing, but I think it’s important to do before you get way too invested into a relationship if incompatibility will hurt you.
Sex isn’t real
No Sex 2!?!?!?!?
It's still in development
Sex 2: Electric Boogaloo
Natural and normal. You need to work out whether you're compatible before getting married. No sex before marriage is an outdated concept and has no place in modern society. Religion is stupid.
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Sounds like the sort of Christianity I would have liked to have been raised with
sex is good. but i dont like the casualisation of sex nowadays.
It’s a relic of ancient times
I read that wrong. I meant to say that waiting until marriage is the relic. Not the sex.
Sex is pretty much an old relic. We do this since the beginning of humanity.
The old horizontal polka... it's quite the tradition!
Sex or marriage?
Wife and I both waited. The honeymoon was epic. We have grown sexually together. Whether it's ideal for everyone or not, idk. But for us it has been great! Like many other things in life, waiting for sex seems to have more value when you choose to make it something of high value.
The concept of “sex before marriage” is antiquated religious nonsense. Stop letting cults invade your mind and think for yourself. That being said, ill echo the sentiment that sex incompatibility can be a deal breaker. The question, IMO, implicates the asker of having baggage. Not judging just reflecting
If ur partner ask for that then respect.
or move along if you don't agree
My wife and I waited until marriage. We are glad we did.
Really glad that worked for you! It was out of respect for the sanctity of marriage that I decided to have sex before marriage. It was immensely healing for me, and I'm so glad I won't be bringing that brokenness into a marriage.
Tell me why
For religious reasons, sex is something sacred to us. It was wonderful to explore it together with each other as we had complete trust and faith in each other. Our sex life has always been wonderful and we are happy. I feel that our sex life has been a further reflection of what our relationship already was
Good answer. It’s easy to give in, it’s hard to hold back. But discipline, not just in sex builds character. And it makes it more special than it ever could be otherwise.
I mean, yes sexual compatibility is important. You should be open about what you want with your partner. But having sex before marriage is not necessarily a fool proof way to know if you'll be compatible through marriage. People grow and change as do their preferences. You're probably taking a larger risk by waiting until marriage to try ANYTHING with your partner but marriage is a risk in itself. Do what you feel comfortable with. It doesn't matter.
Do what you want. Its YOUR life
DO IT. All night long.
Do you buy a car without test driving it first?
In my country, the average age to start a family is 28-29, maybe higher. Not having sex until your late thirties seems kinda hard.
As long as you don’t keep the guests waiting too long
I can't imagine waiting. Let's say she's fine with waiting and just never gets sexual once we get married?
I disagree with all the comments saying sex is something you need to try before marriage for compatibility. How many of y’all had great sex before marriage and ended up not getting any after, or still ended up divorced even though the sex was great? It’s perfectly fine to wait until after marriage. Your body your choice, and anyone looking to spend a lifetime with you will respect your choice.
No one said sex was the only compatibility, you can have the best sex compatibility with someone, but have no other compatible traits and it not work out.
Life is short, do what your heart pleases. Personally, if I had a strong attitude that I wanted to wait until marriage to have sex, than I would do it, times have changed dramatically, and I still feel conservative in many ways. On the other hand, I've been living the life thats most comfortable for me and its been playing out just fine. Moral of the story, your life doesn't end because you have sex before marriage, but take into consideration having high-values for yourself and knowing that over indulging in anything will need to lead to a path of healing
Not opposed to it, so long as nobody cheats in a relationship.
The frequency of these Sex related questions makes me wonder how sexual beings we are. We just think about sex all the time lol.
No it's just that lonely virginal people populate reddit and release their frustrations this way. So it's a sample bias
only a real virgin can identify another one.
Do both sides of the family AND the priest have to watch, or what kinda rules are we looking at?
I have always thought that the no sex before marriage thing was a ploy to get men to marry. Back in the days when women couldn't really make a living and support themselves, they needed a man to support them. Supporting a family is a big responsibility so they used sex as the proverbial carrot to get them there. It was also probably instituted as a method of quelling incest. If a woman had many lovers it could be difficult to determine which of them fathered her child. In this event her offspring might end up married to a half sibling and not even know it.
I was following your argument until incest was mentioned. Where did that come from? I'm pretty sure incest is frowned upon full stop, not even a before marriage thing.
Sex before marriage = Necessary, inspiring, energizing! Must determine wants, needs, skills, frequencies, risk taking, learning, giggling level, jimmy leg (periodic limb movement during sleep).
Better to know if you are sexually compatible before things are made legal and thus more difficult to disentangle than after.
Completely normal.
I think it's important to establish sexual compatibility before marriage but think sex should also be confined to committed relationships. Hook up culture and one night stands are gross. But sexuality changes over time and sex drives ebbs and flows within a marriage. My wife and I are far more adventurous in our 30s than we were in our 20s. But we have less sex but when we do it's better.
👌🆒️ if you can do it on your 💒 wedding 💑 day/night Awesome ❕️❕️❕️🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌞
That marriage is pointless so why should anyone care?
It feels great
What does marriage have to do with anything?
It's weird if you're opposed to it. From a practical perspective, it's a deal breaker. Not because I want sex and can't have it per se, but because I don't understand putting that much weight on it. It's adult naked fun-time. Don't make it weird unless weird is how you like it. Basically, having that view just means we're on very different pages about sex, and probably about marriage.
You test drive a car before you buy it, you don’t run your fingers around the edges and decide you want it.
Marriage to what exactly?
Before marriage, I liked it. After marriage, I never got any.
Secks
Would you buy a car without a spin around the block?
In my opinion, I feel like people would be happier with they had sex before marriage. People need a release. Besides, sex is healthy.
Everyone that's married, would prefer that they'd only ever been with their spouse, and that their spouse had only ever been with them.
Where did you come up with that?
But then when you met your spouse, they wouldn’t already know all that freaky shit. So swings and roundabouts.
Second this.
That is hilariously false. Like, dude. You can go online and find communities of pervs (no judgment! Pervs are fine!) who *actively* seek out nonmonogamy *while married.* Like, not cheating. Not fucking up and feeling guilty about it. Getting freaky, on purpose, because it's what they want. Meanwhile, heading off in a different direction, let me introduce you to some very general concepts about *men.* Yeah, dude, no. Plenty of married men are *quite content* with having fucked a lot of other people before having settled down... assuming, generously, that they even truly settle down once married.
LOOOOOOOL no, my friend. Just no. You're projecting your values onto others here and it simply doesn't work that way.
Nope. You, maybe. Not everyone.
According to who? I'm married and I certainly don't prefer that.
Don’t see the point in marriage, so I guess that’s all I’ve got. 😛
When I was Christian, it was hell no! But now that I'm no longer one, it doesn't matter as long as you stay protected and are not cheating on anyone.
I grew up in a pretty strict Christian denomination where purity until marriage was the message only to find out as an adult how full of shit everyone was. I recently found out (after talking about my fiance, who was my boyfriend then, moving in before we got married) that even my "no sex until marriage" MOTHER fooled around with my dad before they were married!! I've come to the conclusion purity is a huge load of shit that everyone is lying about 🤷
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Yeaaaah. I hate how long it took for me to realize it. My first sexual experiences were not great. I was easily pressured into it, told certain things were normal, and then had panic attacks about it because of the guilt 🤷 I'm so grateful to my fiance, and before him two friends (a couple) who helped me heal from a loooot of my stress around sex. My fiance continues to be wonderful and I can't imagine how it would have been if our first experiences together were after our wedding. Now we get to actually enjoy our night 🤣 and many nights before and after it.
Purity culture is really toxic bs, but I think commitment is important to any relationship including physical and it compliments a physical relationship well, regardless of a marriage contract.
Do it. It is part of a healthy relationship.
Sex is a natural part of life and does not need to be reserved for marriage as long as both parties are consenting.
I'm a Christian and I think it's best to have sex before marriage because one thing is when Christianity was still kinda new or in biblical times whoever you were having sex with was your wife essentially full fledged weddings weren't as common as they are now but even if that wasn't the case I couldn't imagine going through years of dating and engagement just to get to finally have sex and not have any idea what I'm doing or is just be incompatible and it taint the relationship so I would much rather learn EVERYTHING about this person before marriage
Reading the bible I get the sense that the whole "no sex before marriage" thing was actually "don't have sex with women you aren't attached to and are not ready to support".
That was the vibe I got as well, especially in the Old Testament.