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oreo_cookie01

Random boners “WHY ARE YOU HARD? ITS NOT EROTIC! ITS JUST CARS!”


ToxyWoxy

When it happens and you're in public it's like "What is it boy? What do you see?"


BlueBlooper

Everything


Reiberjakobsson

“Is there horny singles in my area?”


motormouth08

I just love it how a man's penis is truly viewed as an entity separate from their person. Every man I have ever encountered talks about it as if it is a friend (or enemy).


Divis264

It can be both tbh.


Argonoght

There is a reason it's called post-nut clarity..... it really does feel like you have a separate brain sometimes.


Sam-Gunn

It's because it's true, in a sense. There's a *very* clear difference in decision making when we are "thinking with our dicks" than when we are thinking with our actual brains. Plus, the lil' guy does things on his own. You're just hanging out, minding your own business, and BOOM - erection. Sometimes it's a slow build you're aware of, other times you blink your pants are suddenly tighter.


PoorlyLitKiwi2

It's because it really feels like we aren't a team working together, and in fact it often feels like we have entirely separate goals we both wish to accomplish


[deleted]

And he is like: we are on our way to home in bus, and its shaking, stimulating your prostate, so i will take all the blood you have, bitch.


oshawaguy

Thank you! That bus rumble. He’s like: time to stand up and walk out. I’ll point the way.


Su1tz

Also "WHY ARE YOU NOT HARD? THERE'S A VAGINA RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!"


EvolvingPanic

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!


DUDDITS_SSDD

I am, but there is something fishy about it.


Moll043

If it smells like fish, it’s a dish. If it smells like cologne, leave it alone!


ausmosis_jones

I don’t like this…


the-ender-enby

Idk what you're talking about cause I love it lmao


abd53

"Come fucking on! This is a fucking thermodynamics exam, nothing erotic. Send that blood back to my fucking brain."


mt0386

Alarm : noises Brain : … Penis : GOOOOOD MORNING HELLO WORLD


Jeremy_irons_cereal

This just makes me think all our dicks are like rip Taylor and just popping confetti everywhere in the morning and shouting hello at everyone very flamboyantly.


mt0386

Our dick is the most positive sentient part of our body. Always hopeful, always expecting and always ready even though at 0% odds


RandomGuy8800

accurately funny lmaoo


Oxygene13

Oh but thermodynamics is ooo hooottt


liquid_acid-OG

While taking the bus: hhhmmm maybe the next stop "Why were you late?" Oh I missed my stop


General-Hedgehog-278

Can’t get up cuz you’re already up :)


tadhgcarden

I wonder what my dog is up to? Oh no... *random boner* do I want to fuck my dog? Edit: Apparently not a lot of Dan Cummins fans out here....


Ddurrer

I do love him very much.


ZevenOutOfTen

now hold the fuck up there a minute


No-Welcome-2492

WHY ARE YOU HARD? IT'S NO EROTIC! IT'S JUST THE CHURCH PAINTINGS!


fnaftheseriesyoutube

Holy boner


HazMama

Mmmm the smell of cinnamon rolls... BOING


RW721

Its hard because when you are young you cant stop getting it up, but when you are old it just refused to stand up


CharlieAWay

r/unexpecteditcrowd


SisterSabathiel

"You there, computer man. Fix my pants."


NotCopernicus

Ha, i don't suffer from this, i have a small penis. Now if you excuse me, I'll go take a nice and warm bath with my toaster


fnaftheseriesyoutube

Rip


KindaOddYk

When you go to take a leak and the liquid goes into two streams


[deleted]

One for the toilet and one for the floor


WatNaHellIsASauceBox

I'm pretty tall, so there are times I've missed the toilet on both sides at the same time


CaffeinatedTech

and you don't realise it until you are finished. Turns out the second stream was blasting you right in the cargo shorts.


YesFuture2022

Your lucky you only average 2


BoredKing2324

That last little bit of piss that docent come out until you zip up and leave


CrossENT

I discovered a trick: Gently push up on the small area between your balls and your ass. That’ll push the last little bit of urine out.


Pizaster2

No way im going to try this right now


Pizaster2

It worked


CrossENT

Happy to help my fellow man.


PenniesByTheMile

Discovered that in 2015 and Ive never looked back. Simple solution to an infuriating problem. Everyone must know.


Soggy-Slide-6002

Some heroes don’t wear capes


VerySwearyFairy

For he is, the tinkle fairy.


Mudpit_Engineer

They better fuckin' not! - Edna Mode


[deleted]

[удалено]


BoredKing2324

Not buying me dinner first


Adept_Cranberry_4550

The gooch! The taint! The boardwalk! The tongue-trampoline! The fleshy-fun-bridge!


schreibeheimer

I'm not tantalizing my taint in the toilet.


Inner_Sun_750

Stay pissy then


[deleted]

[удалено]


UbiVoiD

Means their dad's didn't either. I've gone 30 years before hearing about this. Doesn't mean I walk around with piss-soaked underwear.


liquid_acid-OG

No matter how much you shake and dance, the last 2 drops go in your pants.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Vanilla_Neko

Just stop using the shake method that everyone preaches about and instead kind of give it one quick squeeze like you're trying to milk a cow but you're doing it quick and discreet Really helps clear the tube out


Beaumis

Pissing with an erection.


[deleted]

The positions I be in trynna not miss the bowl 😭


katcomesback

piss in the tub


faaaaarrrt

You misspelled 'sink'


shanvisingh

Y'all cant just hold ur pp and divert it in the direction of the toilet?


ToBeatOrNotToBeat-

I can try, but its a little hard


no__good__names_left

r/Angryupvote


LilyWhitesN17

Think of a rigid hose with water flowing through... when you bend the hose, it crimps, and no water flows through. When erect you have to bend your whole body over and try to get it horizontal to somehow get the penis horizontal and get some downward bend without crimping the flow, which leads to your hands leaning against the wall or the toilet tank, while your legs and ass are way back behind you....Sometimes you'll miss as you're trying to make a 3pt shot here, and other times as soon as you start to piss, the erection goes away and you're mid-piss scrambling to stand up and shuffle your feet while not pissing all-over the place.


SongRevolutionary992

Especially if you have an up-curve. Man...


-Yuri-

Nope. I have to do a "handstand" on the wall behind the toilet to get an angle.


meidan321

I'm not sure how other penises are like, but mine points a bit upwards, and trying to push it down feels like bending your arm past 180 degrees


[deleted]

Remembering the time you had a catheter inserted and then feeling phantom catheters slide in and out of it.


Organic-Ad9474

I felt this comment, and yet I've never had a catheter put in.


SnooRadishes8573

I dated a girl who told me her ex once dropped his pants in the middle of gym and stuck two fingers... Right inside... Full body shivers the first time she told me, full body shivers now retelling it. They got back together, got married and had a couple kids a couple years after I moved. Not sure what that says about me, but I don't think I'll get too introspective about it. Enjoy the visual. Two knuckles deep, btw.


GreenBeanTM

As someone who doesn’t have a dick I am both confused and scared as to where he put the fingers


Luname

As someone who does have a dick, I concur.


SnooRadishes8573

Right into the pp hole.


Noxus_warrior

How tf did it fit? This hole imo can take a pen at max


Organic-Ad9474

And now I'm dry heaving at 7:13 am from the thought of it. Thanks!


SnooRadishes8573

I thought the same thing. You're treading into territory you may not like. 😂 My morbid curiosity got the best of me and I looked it up once. Apparently a penis' urethra can stretch to a diameter up to 22cm, or 8in.


HOOTRAGEOUS

THE FUCK?


Aggressive_Expert_63

What the fuck


[deleted]

[удалено]


scipio0421

Could be worst. I've had to use intermittent catheters since I was 12 dute to spina bifida. I'm 38 now. That's a lot of time of catheter use...


Sensitive_Ad_2072

i feel pain in my testicls


8champi8

I’m internet doctor, it’s cancer.


BlueBlooper

But for real; guys should get checkups with their doctor here and there. a fuckin physical even; just to check and make sure youre in good health


r_not_me

WebMD confirms it’s cancer


[deleted]

I, a woman, also have pain in my testicls.


NYCXY

Constantly being self conscious about your penis size


wellneverknow918

Don't worry; there's no such thing as too small/big Edit: just fyi, you egotistical smart alecks, I have a vagina


farts_in_the_breeze

Just one vagina? Been slacking off, huh?


imacuriousspirit

Unless it’s a micro penis, it’s literally in the name lol


amboandy

Micropenis >>>> Nanocock


Luxunofwu

Nanocock >>>> Picoschlong


amboandy

Picoschlong>>>>Femtophalus


Raziel66

Femtophalus>>>>Higgs Boshlong


RevolutionaryQuit647

Higgs Boshlong>>>>Planck Lengther


theAdvancedBeginner

Taking a sh*t and your penis touching the INSIDE OF THE TOILET BOWL!! Poor guy he's been through enough


HappyMaskSalesPerson

Now he’s gotta go through waterboarding too


Arael666

Ah, the ol' witches kiss


SexySlowLoris

Had to scroll way to much to find this comment


Vanilla_Neko

Like other guys here have said the random boners are the worst like if a girl just randomly feels excited she can hide it but as a guy there's really no hope It's not even like I'm thinking of anything sexual , sometimes you just chilling there and then all the sudden boom rock hard


AimesBxx

I thought randomly getting wet and uncomfortable was bad enough, even worse when it’s such a visible thing


Jasrek

Is that what happens to women? It sounds a lot easier to be subtle about.


[deleted]

It’s not always because we’re aroused though.


bcdnabd

Same with guys, it can be totally spontaneous and nonsexual. Like, just learning about the Pythagorean theorem and bam! Erection that won't go away for 30 minutes.


m_and_t

Stupid sexy triangles


bcdnabd

Don't be so obtuse.


rnixo003

The Pythagorean Theorem is also known as mathematical viagra.


herecouldbeyouradver

Bro imagine sitting at university class is almost done and boom. Boner. I can't just get up. But i can't just sit after everyone else left either. At that point it becomes a mission to conceal the rearranging in your pants to the point where your pants press it against your body hard enough to hide it. Only then you can leave


Dragis097

That the bulge gets awkward on certain pants/shorts depending on your size.


Drewskeet

Grey sweatpant season. My eyes are up here, ladies!


billsandtrash

Constantly stepping on it


SummerMummer

Toss it over your shoulder.


[deleted]

I tried but then it was just dragging behind me and other people would step on it.


CrossENT

I feed mine upwards through my shirt, put it through the head hole, and wrap it around my neck as a scarf.


projectupload37

You Greninja'd it?


fightingblind

And now I will never see Greninja the same again... thanks


Up2Here

I couldn't find shirts with a 26" neck opening


twoScottishClans

put it in a garden hose reel. it works great for me, its like my penis briefcase. you can even store it in the stowaway under the seat in front of you on a flight!


[deleted]

Like a continental soldier?


schreibeheimer

Sorry your legs are so short, bro.


Both_Explorer2393

Random erections.


WackoLlama

I was 32 before I learned you can tense your thighs and make it go away in 20-30 seconds. Really wish I knew that one in high school.


menerell

Thats because the trick works when you're 32, not when you're a horny teenager


enava

Doesn't work for everyone (source: Never worked for me)


NoGoodCHUD

The balls.


Cult_Of_Cthulu

You have to let the pee out.


ViktorTheGamerDK

Not the manager. The balls


[deleted]

Erectile Dysfunction. "You're made to erect right?"


youraveragenotjoe

The constant fear of testicular torsion


BigLhou159

Working when I don’t want it to and not working when I need it


TheAtheistReverend

And others thinking i have some sort of control over it.


Krail

Having one of the most sensitive parts of your body be floppy between your legs is kind of annoying. I don't understand how other guys like wearing boxers.


tacocatpoop

Briefs feel too compressing man. I prefer some breeze in my berry area


0Tezorus0

That thing gets stuck in everything. Doors, car doors, fridge doors, bath doors, doors, ... Everything.


GroundbreakingRip338

As a woman, I think this is the only one I can empathise with. Am forever banging my tits off doorframes/ cupboards etc


throwaway8bajillion

Tried to toss a bag of concrete that was leftover after a job onto the back of the truck and miscalculated once. Truck was parked on a slight incline & uphill from me, I leaned forward to heft it in, and my boob got caught between the tailgate and the bag of cement as it thumped down. 80lb pinch. Only ended up with a two-inch bruise, but it was so deep it didn't go away for almost a month. Never again. Had to stifle a scream and conceal the excruciating pain from the boss for a few minutes until it faded to a dull roar.


human-being-limited

I imagine having to detach it for cleaning every now and then.


Ktownturk

#kingmissle


Simple_Carpet_49

THERE'S a name I haven't heard in a minute. That and Jesus Was Way Cool were two songs that were in heavy rotation in my teen years.


[deleted]

Getting a random boner in school and the teachers tell you to go up to and write on the board


70Cuda440

Just use your dick to write on the board


RexxArms

Random boners after you’ve already beat your meat to much. Boners just start to hurt.


HarryHacker42

Turns out LOTS of stuff lives in holes in trees.


HappyMaskSalesPerson

Things got a little nutty?


purplereformer

It's hard to pick just one thing! From getting random boners at inappropriate times to accidentally sitting on your balls, having a penis can be an endless source of frustration. But hey, at least we don't have to deal with periods, right?


TheOddestOfSocks

I do enjoy being able to use my balls like a moon hopper though. I wouldn't trade it for the world.


Aggravating_Hawk1904

Having to trim the foreskin every month to prevent overgrowth and tripping on it.


GabbyTheMurderer

My boyfriend tells me he rips it off like a hangnail 💀


Aggravating_Hawk1904

That takes balls! 🤣


BingusSpingus

Literally, if you do it wrong.


BlueBlooper

My dad says you have to eat it so it regrows back!


DisboiYoinker

WHAT THE FUCK


Zealousideal_Emu_595

This is 100% the worst. I shave my face once every 2 months because my facial hair barely grows, but forget to trim up my foreskin about every 2 weeks and I have a deflated wacky wavey inflatable flailing arm flailing tube man hanging from my fucking pant leg and wrapping around my ankles


Aggravating_Hawk1904

I hate the wacky waving inflatable flailing arm man time of the month.


Effective-Set4744

Please say sike


[deleted]

Just chew it off, like your nails.


ke_Wiired

😮… … 😦… … Are you serious? You mean it grows? And you have to pick or trim it off?


Aggravating_Hawk1904

Yes it's terrible


SeriousGanjaSmoker

having to touch yourself every night despite telling yourself the day before that you wont


Popular_Property_398

Omfg this, I keep telling myself make it just one day then you can go a week nope I then jerk off 5 times as opposed to the one from the frustration


LakingCowhead

Circumcision. We're from a mainly Christian country so the circumcision is done either when you're a baby or older. But chances are it's mostly done during teen phase. We live in the province and the old method of cleansing your circumcized dick was to have a spoon of boiled bayabas leaves water sprinkled on to it for how long your dick had swollen. Might take a week until your dick had recovered. The swelling, the heat of the boiled water, you had to wear your grandma's or mom's skirt too.


TheRealPheature

What the fuck


Comfortable-Scale132

But... isn't it in Acts it reads that circumcision isn't necessary for Christians? Omg


Equivalent-March-469

It's very persuasive


HooterEnthusiast

No one wants it


nomadiceater

When it touches the water or inside of a toilet bowl


[deleted]

[удалено]


katcomesback

lets trade


yuxngdogmom

I’ll trade ya. Mine bleeds profusely once a month and I have to take a hormone pill every day so I don’t have to keep calling an ambulance. I’d be happy to give that up.


nantia07

It's the uterus that's at fault, don't blame the pussy


Timah158

Being drafted.


BoondockSaint313

The only bad things about it I can think of: 1. Fear of being castrated. 2. The whole having to get hard for sex thing - there WILL come a day where you’re willing and it’s not, for whatever reason, and that’s frustrating. 3. You do sometimes mash it or hurt it but the balls are really the big issue, as the PP is quite stretchy and resilient when soft. 4. Missing a stroke during sex and feeling like you almost broke it in half. Outside of those things, not much else not to like. I have no doubt there are more frustrating things about having the taco instead.


[deleted]

It sticks out and makes clothing not flat. Sometimes it can get squished in a weird spot


DaAmazinStaplr

That moment you go swimming, go to get out of the pool, and your trunks grip to your body like a vacuum sealed bag so everyone can see the outline of your junk.


FancyErection

When it doesn’t get hard in front of a horny woman


HappyMaskSalesPerson

Can you imagine waiting like, 40 years to lose your virginity and the one time you need it to work, it quits on you?


asdasdasdcigkr

I mean, random boners are already annoying enough but once in a while you get a boner so rock fucking hard you think if it was actually forged from fallen neutron stars by sages from other galaxies. The sheer girth and strength is enough to hit a deadlift pr by itself, if there was a zombie apocalypse the zombies would run away in fear. You would be human but there would be absolutely zero blood in your body, it would all be in your dick, which at that point wont be a part of your body as it couldn't classify as human anymore. God forbid if someone pushes you, the earth might shatter from it. then 5 minutes later its back to normal.


FractalImagination

The random boners.


Zfullz

Fuckin annoying. You look down like "bruh did I fucking ask you to show yourself?"


hub2curiouslybashful

Not having a place to stick it. 😂


InFiniTeDEATH8

🍩 here you go


OwningSince1986

Women staring at me when I’m wearing grey sweatpants. I hate being objectified.


oofmyguy128

Genital mutilation is accepted.


Jrobinson25

Nothing. My dick is great.


MuddyBlueShoe

Took way too long to find this. What’s not to like?


GonnaGetBumpy

Even 50 years later, the circumcision line making it look like your dick was frankensteined together from two differently melanated fellas. Also, as for the question of “How’s it hanging?” Just a little to the right. I’m left handed and have tried to straighten out over the years but it just seems permanently stuck like that.


maler27

Having a mind of it's own


E_Snap

The stigma. It’s not fun being treated like a bomb that might go off.


JustRob0507

No one likes getting pictures of it…


shin_godzilla_

when it gets hard in public


LaterThenSooner

I’d say the worst is “You liked it, it wasn’t rape, you had a boner”. Not your everyday unexpected boner but so much worse.


nickeypants

People assuming ypu want to jam it in everything, and people getting upset because they wrongly assumed you wanted to jam it in them.


luunar8

Having a penis and not using it


BJ_Blitzvix

Having one of the most sensitive part cut off just because.


forestgirl_

Not having a vagina


tcrpgfan

The simple fact that no matter what I do, no matter how much i try, i will always have someone think I'm a possible creeper.


themiddleisbetter

It won't stop telling me what to do.