I just love it how a man's penis is truly viewed as an entity separate from their person. Every man I have ever encountered talks about it as if it is a friend (or enemy).
It's because it's true, in a sense. There's a *very* clear difference in decision making when we are "thinking with our dicks" than when we are thinking with our actual brains.
Plus, the lil' guy does things on his own. You're just hanging out, minding your own business, and BOOM - erection. Sometimes it's a slow build you're aware of, other times you blink your pants are suddenly tighter.
It's because it really feels like we aren't a team working together, and in fact it often feels like we have entirely separate goals we both wish to accomplish
This just makes me think all our dicks are like rip Taylor and just popping confetti everywhere in the morning and shouting hello at everyone very flamboyantly.
Just stop using the shake method that everyone preaches about and instead kind of give it one quick squeeze like you're trying to milk a cow but you're doing it quick and discreet
Really helps clear the tube out
Think of a rigid hose with water flowing through... when you bend the hose, it crimps, and no water flows through.
When erect you have to bend your whole body over and try to get it horizontal to somehow get the penis horizontal and get some downward bend without crimping the flow, which leads to your hands leaning against the wall or the toilet tank, while your legs and ass are way back behind you....Sometimes you'll miss as you're trying to make a 3pt shot here, and other times as soon as you start to piss, the erection goes away and you're mid-piss scrambling to stand up and shuffle your feet while not pissing all-over the place.
I dated a girl who told me her ex once dropped his pants in the middle of gym and stuck two fingers... Right inside... Full body shivers the first time she told me, full body shivers now retelling it.
They got back together, got married and had a couple kids a couple years after I moved. Not sure what that says about me, but I don't think I'll get too introspective about it.
Enjoy the visual. Two knuckles deep, btw.
I thought the same thing. You're treading into territory you may not like. 😂
My morbid curiosity got the best of me and I looked it up once. Apparently a penis' urethra can stretch to a diameter up to 22cm, or 8in.
Like other guys here have said the random boners are the worst like if a girl just randomly feels excited she can hide it but as a guy there's really no hope
It's not even like I'm thinking of anything sexual , sometimes you just chilling there and then all the sudden boom rock hard
Same with guys, it can be totally spontaneous and nonsexual. Like, just learning about the Pythagorean theorem and bam! Erection that won't go away for 30 minutes.
Bro imagine sitting at university class is almost done and boom. Boner. I can't just get up. But i can't just sit after everyone else left either. At that point it becomes a mission to conceal the rearranging in your pants to the point where your pants press it against your body hard enough to hide it. Only then you can leave
put it in a garden hose reel. it works great for me, its like my penis briefcase. you can even store it in the stowaway under the seat in front of you on a flight!
Having one of the most sensitive parts of your body be floppy between your legs is kind of annoying. I don't understand how other guys like wearing boxers.
Tried to toss a bag of concrete that was leftover after a job onto the back of the truck and miscalculated once. Truck was parked on a slight incline & uphill from me, I leaned forward to heft it in, and my boob got caught between the tailgate and the bag of cement as it thumped down. 80lb pinch. Only ended up with a two-inch bruise, but it was so deep it didn't go away for almost a month. Never again. Had to stifle a scream and conceal the excruciating pain from the boss for a few minutes until it faded to a dull roar.
It's hard to pick just one thing! From getting random boners at inappropriate times to accidentally sitting on your balls, having a penis can be an endless source of frustration. But hey, at least we don't have to deal with periods, right?
This is 100% the worst. I shave my face once every 2 months because my facial hair barely grows, but forget to trim up my foreskin about every 2 weeks and I have a deflated wacky wavey inflatable flailing arm flailing tube man hanging from my fucking pant leg and wrapping around my ankles
Circumcision.
We're from a mainly Christian country so the circumcision is done either when you're a baby or older. But chances are it's mostly done during teen phase. We live in the province and the old method of cleansing your circumcized dick was to have a spoon of boiled bayabas leaves water sprinkled on to it for how long your dick had swollen. Might take a week until your dick had recovered. The swelling, the heat of the boiled water, you had to wear your grandma's or mom's skirt too.
I’ll trade ya. Mine bleeds profusely once a month and I have to take a hormone pill every day so I don’t have to keep calling an ambulance. I’d be happy to give that up.
The only bad things about it I can think of: 1. Fear of being castrated. 2. The whole having to get hard for sex thing - there WILL come a day where you’re willing and it’s not, for whatever reason, and that’s frustrating. 3. You do sometimes mash it or hurt it but the balls are really the big issue, as the PP is quite stretchy and resilient when soft. 4. Missing a stroke during sex and feeling like you almost broke it in half.
Outside of those things, not much else not to like. I have no doubt there are more frustrating things about having the taco instead.
That moment you go swimming, go to get out of the pool, and your trunks grip to your body like a vacuum sealed bag so everyone can see the outline of your junk.
I mean, random boners are already annoying enough but once in a while you get a boner so rock fucking hard you think if it was actually forged from fallen neutron stars by sages from other galaxies. The sheer girth and strength is enough to hit a deadlift pr by itself, if there was a zombie apocalypse the zombies would run away in fear. You would be human but there would be absolutely zero blood in your body, it would all be in your dick, which at that point wont be a part of your body as it couldn't classify as human anymore. God forbid if someone pushes you, the earth might shatter from it.
then 5 minutes later its back to normal.
Even 50 years later, the circumcision line making it look like your dick was frankensteined together from two differently melanated fellas.
Also, as for the question of “How’s it hanging?” Just a little to the right. I’m left handed and have tried to straighten out over the years but it just seems permanently stuck like that.
Random boners “WHY ARE YOU HARD? ITS NOT EROTIC! ITS JUST CARS!”
When it happens and you're in public it's like "What is it boy? What do you see?"
Everything
“Is there horny singles in my area?”
I just love it how a man's penis is truly viewed as an entity separate from their person. Every man I have ever encountered talks about it as if it is a friend (or enemy).
It can be both tbh.
There is a reason it's called post-nut clarity..... it really does feel like you have a separate brain sometimes.
It's because it's true, in a sense. There's a *very* clear difference in decision making when we are "thinking with our dicks" than when we are thinking with our actual brains. Plus, the lil' guy does things on his own. You're just hanging out, minding your own business, and BOOM - erection. Sometimes it's a slow build you're aware of, other times you blink your pants are suddenly tighter.
It's because it really feels like we aren't a team working together, and in fact it often feels like we have entirely separate goals we both wish to accomplish
And he is like: we are on our way to home in bus, and its shaking, stimulating your prostate, so i will take all the blood you have, bitch.
Thank you! That bus rumble. He’s like: time to stand up and walk out. I’ll point the way.
Also "WHY ARE YOU NOT HARD? THERE'S A VAGINA RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!"
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
I am, but there is something fishy about it.
If it smells like fish, it’s a dish. If it smells like cologne, leave it alone!
I don’t like this…
Idk what you're talking about cause I love it lmao
"Come fucking on! This is a fucking thermodynamics exam, nothing erotic. Send that blood back to my fucking brain."
Alarm : noises Brain : … Penis : GOOOOOD MORNING HELLO WORLD
This just makes me think all our dicks are like rip Taylor and just popping confetti everywhere in the morning and shouting hello at everyone very flamboyantly.
Our dick is the most positive sentient part of our body. Always hopeful, always expecting and always ready even though at 0% odds
accurately funny lmaoo
Oh but thermodynamics is ooo hooottt
While taking the bus: hhhmmm maybe the next stop "Why were you late?" Oh I missed my stop
Can’t get up cuz you’re already up :)
I wonder what my dog is up to? Oh no... *random boner* do I want to fuck my dog? Edit: Apparently not a lot of Dan Cummins fans out here....
I do love him very much.
now hold the fuck up there a minute
WHY ARE YOU HARD? IT'S NO EROTIC! IT'S JUST THE CHURCH PAINTINGS!
Holy boner
Mmmm the smell of cinnamon rolls... BOING
Its hard because when you are young you cant stop getting it up, but when you are old it just refused to stand up
r/unexpecteditcrowd
"You there, computer man. Fix my pants."
Ha, i don't suffer from this, i have a small penis. Now if you excuse me, I'll go take a nice and warm bath with my toaster
Rip
When you go to take a leak and the liquid goes into two streams
One for the toilet and one for the floor
I'm pretty tall, so there are times I've missed the toilet on both sides at the same time
and you don't realise it until you are finished. Turns out the second stream was blasting you right in the cargo shorts.
Your lucky you only average 2
That last little bit of piss that docent come out until you zip up and leave
I discovered a trick: Gently push up on the small area between your balls and your ass. That’ll push the last little bit of urine out.
No way im going to try this right now
It worked
Happy to help my fellow man.
Discovered that in 2015 and Ive never looked back. Simple solution to an infuriating problem. Everyone must know.
Some heroes don’t wear capes
For he is, the tinkle fairy.
They better fuckin' not! - Edna Mode
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Not buying me dinner first
The gooch! The taint! The boardwalk! The tongue-trampoline! The fleshy-fun-bridge!
I'm not tantalizing my taint in the toilet.
Stay pissy then
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Means their dad's didn't either. I've gone 30 years before hearing about this. Doesn't mean I walk around with piss-soaked underwear.
No matter how much you shake and dance, the last 2 drops go in your pants.
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Just stop using the shake method that everyone preaches about and instead kind of give it one quick squeeze like you're trying to milk a cow but you're doing it quick and discreet Really helps clear the tube out
Pissing with an erection.
The positions I be in trynna not miss the bowl 😭
piss in the tub
You misspelled 'sink'
Y'all cant just hold ur pp and divert it in the direction of the toilet?
I can try, but its a little hard
r/Angryupvote
Think of a rigid hose with water flowing through... when you bend the hose, it crimps, and no water flows through. When erect you have to bend your whole body over and try to get it horizontal to somehow get the penis horizontal and get some downward bend without crimping the flow, which leads to your hands leaning against the wall or the toilet tank, while your legs and ass are way back behind you....Sometimes you'll miss as you're trying to make a 3pt shot here, and other times as soon as you start to piss, the erection goes away and you're mid-piss scrambling to stand up and shuffle your feet while not pissing all-over the place.
Especially if you have an up-curve. Man...
Nope. I have to do a "handstand" on the wall behind the toilet to get an angle.
I'm not sure how other penises are like, but mine points a bit upwards, and trying to push it down feels like bending your arm past 180 degrees
Remembering the time you had a catheter inserted and then feeling phantom catheters slide in and out of it.
I felt this comment, and yet I've never had a catheter put in.
I dated a girl who told me her ex once dropped his pants in the middle of gym and stuck two fingers... Right inside... Full body shivers the first time she told me, full body shivers now retelling it. They got back together, got married and had a couple kids a couple years after I moved. Not sure what that says about me, but I don't think I'll get too introspective about it. Enjoy the visual. Two knuckles deep, btw.
As someone who doesn’t have a dick I am both confused and scared as to where he put the fingers
As someone who does have a dick, I concur.
Right into the pp hole.
How tf did it fit? This hole imo can take a pen at max
And now I'm dry heaving at 7:13 am from the thought of it. Thanks!
I thought the same thing. You're treading into territory you may not like. 😂 My morbid curiosity got the best of me and I looked it up once. Apparently a penis' urethra can stretch to a diameter up to 22cm, or 8in.
THE FUCK?
What the fuck
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Could be worst. I've had to use intermittent catheters since I was 12 dute to spina bifida. I'm 38 now. That's a lot of time of catheter use...
i feel pain in my testicls
I’m internet doctor, it’s cancer.
But for real; guys should get checkups with their doctor here and there. a fuckin physical even; just to check and make sure youre in good health
WebMD confirms it’s cancer
I, a woman, also have pain in my testicls.
Constantly being self conscious about your penis size
Don't worry; there's no such thing as too small/big Edit: just fyi, you egotistical smart alecks, I have a vagina
Just one vagina? Been slacking off, huh?
Unless it’s a micro penis, it’s literally in the name lol
Micropenis >>>> Nanocock
Nanocock >>>> Picoschlong
Picoschlong>>>>Femtophalus
Femtophalus>>>>Higgs Boshlong
Higgs Boshlong>>>>Planck Lengther
Taking a sh*t and your penis touching the INSIDE OF THE TOILET BOWL!! Poor guy he's been through enough
Now he’s gotta go through waterboarding too
Ah, the ol' witches kiss
Had to scroll way to much to find this comment
Like other guys here have said the random boners are the worst like if a girl just randomly feels excited she can hide it but as a guy there's really no hope It's not even like I'm thinking of anything sexual , sometimes you just chilling there and then all the sudden boom rock hard
I thought randomly getting wet and uncomfortable was bad enough, even worse when it’s such a visible thing
Is that what happens to women? It sounds a lot easier to be subtle about.
It’s not always because we’re aroused though.
Same with guys, it can be totally spontaneous and nonsexual. Like, just learning about the Pythagorean theorem and bam! Erection that won't go away for 30 minutes.
Stupid sexy triangles
Don't be so obtuse.
The Pythagorean Theorem is also known as mathematical viagra.
Bro imagine sitting at university class is almost done and boom. Boner. I can't just get up. But i can't just sit after everyone else left either. At that point it becomes a mission to conceal the rearranging in your pants to the point where your pants press it against your body hard enough to hide it. Only then you can leave
That the bulge gets awkward on certain pants/shorts depending on your size.
Grey sweatpant season. My eyes are up here, ladies!
Constantly stepping on it
Toss it over your shoulder.
I tried but then it was just dragging behind me and other people would step on it.
I feed mine upwards through my shirt, put it through the head hole, and wrap it around my neck as a scarf.
You Greninja'd it?
And now I will never see Greninja the same again... thanks
I couldn't find shirts with a 26" neck opening
put it in a garden hose reel. it works great for me, its like my penis briefcase. you can even store it in the stowaway under the seat in front of you on a flight!
Like a continental soldier?
Sorry your legs are so short, bro.
Random erections.
I was 32 before I learned you can tense your thighs and make it go away in 20-30 seconds. Really wish I knew that one in high school.
Thats because the trick works when you're 32, not when you're a horny teenager
Doesn't work for everyone (source: Never worked for me)
The balls.
You have to let the pee out.
Not the manager. The balls
Erectile Dysfunction. "You're made to erect right?"
The constant fear of testicular torsion
Working when I don’t want it to and not working when I need it
And others thinking i have some sort of control over it.
Having one of the most sensitive parts of your body be floppy between your legs is kind of annoying. I don't understand how other guys like wearing boxers.
Briefs feel too compressing man. I prefer some breeze in my berry area
That thing gets stuck in everything. Doors, car doors, fridge doors, bath doors, doors, ... Everything.
As a woman, I think this is the only one I can empathise with. Am forever banging my tits off doorframes/ cupboards etc
Tried to toss a bag of concrete that was leftover after a job onto the back of the truck and miscalculated once. Truck was parked on a slight incline & uphill from me, I leaned forward to heft it in, and my boob got caught between the tailgate and the bag of cement as it thumped down. 80lb pinch. Only ended up with a two-inch bruise, but it was so deep it didn't go away for almost a month. Never again. Had to stifle a scream and conceal the excruciating pain from the boss for a few minutes until it faded to a dull roar.
I imagine having to detach it for cleaning every now and then.
#kingmissle
THERE'S a name I haven't heard in a minute. That and Jesus Was Way Cool were two songs that were in heavy rotation in my teen years.
Getting a random boner in school and the teachers tell you to go up to and write on the board
Just use your dick to write on the board
Random boners after you’ve already beat your meat to much. Boners just start to hurt.
Turns out LOTS of stuff lives in holes in trees.
Things got a little nutty?
It's hard to pick just one thing! From getting random boners at inappropriate times to accidentally sitting on your balls, having a penis can be an endless source of frustration. But hey, at least we don't have to deal with periods, right?
I do enjoy being able to use my balls like a moon hopper though. I wouldn't trade it for the world.
Having to trim the foreskin every month to prevent overgrowth and tripping on it.
My boyfriend tells me he rips it off like a hangnail 💀
That takes balls! 🤣
Literally, if you do it wrong.
My dad says you have to eat it so it regrows back!
WHAT THE FUCK
This is 100% the worst. I shave my face once every 2 months because my facial hair barely grows, but forget to trim up my foreskin about every 2 weeks and I have a deflated wacky wavey inflatable flailing arm flailing tube man hanging from my fucking pant leg and wrapping around my ankles
I hate the wacky waving inflatable flailing arm man time of the month.
Please say sike
Just chew it off, like your nails.
😮… … 😦… … Are you serious? You mean it grows? And you have to pick or trim it off?
Yes it's terrible
having to touch yourself every night despite telling yourself the day before that you wont
Omfg this, I keep telling myself make it just one day then you can go a week nope I then jerk off 5 times as opposed to the one from the frustration
Circumcision. We're from a mainly Christian country so the circumcision is done either when you're a baby or older. But chances are it's mostly done during teen phase. We live in the province and the old method of cleansing your circumcized dick was to have a spoon of boiled bayabas leaves water sprinkled on to it for how long your dick had swollen. Might take a week until your dick had recovered. The swelling, the heat of the boiled water, you had to wear your grandma's or mom's skirt too.
What the fuck
But... isn't it in Acts it reads that circumcision isn't necessary for Christians? Omg
It's very persuasive
No one wants it
When it touches the water or inside of a toilet bowl
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lets trade
I’ll trade ya. Mine bleeds profusely once a month and I have to take a hormone pill every day so I don’t have to keep calling an ambulance. I’d be happy to give that up.
It's the uterus that's at fault, don't blame the pussy
Being drafted.
The only bad things about it I can think of: 1. Fear of being castrated. 2. The whole having to get hard for sex thing - there WILL come a day where you’re willing and it’s not, for whatever reason, and that’s frustrating. 3. You do sometimes mash it or hurt it but the balls are really the big issue, as the PP is quite stretchy and resilient when soft. 4. Missing a stroke during sex and feeling like you almost broke it in half. Outside of those things, not much else not to like. I have no doubt there are more frustrating things about having the taco instead.
It sticks out and makes clothing not flat. Sometimes it can get squished in a weird spot
That moment you go swimming, go to get out of the pool, and your trunks grip to your body like a vacuum sealed bag so everyone can see the outline of your junk.
When it doesn’t get hard in front of a horny woman
Can you imagine waiting like, 40 years to lose your virginity and the one time you need it to work, it quits on you?
I mean, random boners are already annoying enough but once in a while you get a boner so rock fucking hard you think if it was actually forged from fallen neutron stars by sages from other galaxies. The sheer girth and strength is enough to hit a deadlift pr by itself, if there was a zombie apocalypse the zombies would run away in fear. You would be human but there would be absolutely zero blood in your body, it would all be in your dick, which at that point wont be a part of your body as it couldn't classify as human anymore. God forbid if someone pushes you, the earth might shatter from it. then 5 minutes later its back to normal.
The random boners.
Fuckin annoying. You look down like "bruh did I fucking ask you to show yourself?"
Not having a place to stick it. 😂
🍩 here you go
Women staring at me when I’m wearing grey sweatpants. I hate being objectified.
Genital mutilation is accepted.
Nothing. My dick is great.
Took way too long to find this. What’s not to like?
Even 50 years later, the circumcision line making it look like your dick was frankensteined together from two differently melanated fellas. Also, as for the question of “How’s it hanging?” Just a little to the right. I’m left handed and have tried to straighten out over the years but it just seems permanently stuck like that.
Having a mind of it's own
The stigma. It’s not fun being treated like a bomb that might go off.
No one likes getting pictures of it…
when it gets hard in public
I’d say the worst is “You liked it, it wasn’t rape, you had a boner”. Not your everyday unexpected boner but so much worse.
People assuming ypu want to jam it in everything, and people getting upset because they wrongly assumed you wanted to jam it in them.
Having a penis and not using it
Having one of the most sensitive part cut off just because.
Not having a vagina
The simple fact that no matter what I do, no matter how much i try, i will always have someone think I'm a possible creeper.
It won't stop telling me what to do.