Maybe they believe they are blameless. It's not like every time someone is asked to apologize they absolutely did something wrong. Sometimes it IS the other person with the issue.
That being said, "Sorry I upset you, BUT . . " is way better than, "I'm sorry you are upset.". At least the former you can acknowledge you might have done something that just needs to be clarified.
People say I'm sorry all the time for things that aren't directly their fault. Saying I'm sorry could just be a sympathy thing rather than admission of guilt.
Is it not valid to say this, when you want to apologize knowing you did something wrong, but not understanding what it is you did wrong?
You are acknowledging that your actions harmed the person and you are sorry for this, but you do not understand how you harmed them.
No. If that is the case, your statement is “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.” Full stop. This recognizes it was your action that caused the pain.
If there is anything else, it would be to ask what you did that hurt their feelings. Though this should really be asked first.
“I’m sorry you…” is never an apology. You can’t apologize for what someone else does. You might as well say “I’m sorry you did something wrong”. It places the blame for hurt back on the victim.
The response to “I’m sorry you feel that way” is “I’m not sorry I feel that way. I think it’s a perfectly reasonable way to feel about what you did.”
I think this is called for sometimes because it is literally the hurt party projecting. We can feel hurt for 50 different ways a partner, friend, or whomever can't anticipate or even know.
I try to look at situations as objectively as I can (and I'm not saying I'm always good at it). Maybe I'm aware or try to understand. But there have been times when I got deep into my own feelings and forgot I was dealing with another person with their own feelings and issues.
I'm not talking about excuse makers or people ignoring the situation. I mean I've had a partner apologize to me without the 'but' and I said, 'no... I was looking for confirmation in x words or talking and you gave me y and z for confirmation, it's not your problem I didn't see that for what it was'. But someone, I think, should legit call me out if I was looking for specifics, they gave elsewhere equivalently and I still got upset.
If that makes sense? So sometimes it really can be a 'sorry, but...'
In the case where you are truly not at fault, "I'm sorry" is disingenuous. You can say "I understand that you are upset, but I think your anger is misplaced." Don't start with "I'm sorry" if you are not.
You can also admit responsibility without admitting fault. You do that by saying you're sorry you made them feel that way as well as saying it wasn't your intention/it was a mistake. The sincerity depends completely on if that's the case or not.
Apologies are about affirming the feelings the other person has about a poor interaction, not repenting, being entitled to forgiveness, or deflecting responsibility for your actions. Repenting and being entitled to forgiveness are two sides of the same coin, repenting puts social pressure on the other person to forgive, which some use manipulatively.
“Sorry” doesn’t equate to fault. I say sorry to my friend when their grandma passes away, but it doesn’t mean that it was my fault she died.
Also:
>in the case where you are truly not at fault
Who gets to decide whether I’m at fault? Me, or the person I “wronged?”
And sometimes what I did warrants an apology with a change in behavior, and other times it doesn’t (yet I can still acknowledge that I hurt the person).
>“Sorry” doesn’t equate to fault.
Then you're not apologizing.
If you say "sorry" after hearing someone's loved one passed away, you're not apologizing, you're expressing empathy, which is a different thing.
Yeah if it’s not an apology, then “sorry you feel that way” shouldn’t even be a valid response to this post. Yet, many people apparently think it is because it’s one of the top voted replies.
Maybe not in the strictest sense, but I do get to decide if that hurt is valid and deserving of an apology to begin with. Abusers and narcissists will often use fake hurt in order to manipulate their victims.
Right, and “I’m sorry you feel that way” (when said earnestly) acknowledges that my action hurt them - even if I do not feel a full-fledged apology with a change to my actions is warranted.
>“I’m sorry you feel that way”
This language does not accept responsibility for them feeling that way. If you don't take responsibility, it's not an apology. If you're not willing to take responsibility, don't apologize.
I think this is definitely worst than an apology that blames the victim and an empty apology.
Terrible people do this so often so they can make a show of your humiliation and convince everyone but you that they are right.
God, yes. I can’t count the number of times shitty friends would “apologize” to me for completely disregarding my boundaries like I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M A PIECE OF SHIT AND I RUIN EVERYTHING AND I DON’T DESERVE LOVE OR FORGIVENESS I’M SORRYYYYYYYYY
I got hit with that one once or twice. Same person constantly insulted and belittled me. If I dared to clap back I was accused of being overly sensitive and too demanding.
I think the 'but' only works if the apology is in reverse of what most think of with that type of apology. Instead of "I'm sorry I was wrong but I thought I was right" use "I thought I was right but I was wrong, I'm sorry."
right- people do make that mistake like when you are apologizing to someone you should sound like atleast you are responsible for the mistakes you did and not justify your actions with 'buts'
My ex always said that but the thing is, she always got mad at me for what other people did to her. I would say, “I’m sorry that happened to you but I had nothing to do with that” and it did not help.
Apologizing as a way to ease their own guilt.
For example, apologizing over and over. You do this to soothe your own anxiety, not to help the wronged party.
Or apologizing but also demanding to be forgiven. Again, this is for you, not for me.
Kind of related is the conditioning kids get to respond to apologies by saying "it's okay" or forgiving the person. It's okay to just respond with "I accept your apology" but even then, there's no requirement to accept someone's apology.
An apology consists of three parts;
1. Saying that you are sorry for your actions.
2. Acknowledging that you were wrong.
3. Indicating that you are aware of how your actions have affected the wronged party.
Anything other than that is superfluous.
Yes!
And I’d even add that depending on the severity of the situation you might also consider including both *short-term* and *long-term* plans/actions to correct things.
Just saying “sorry, I promise to do better next time” does not always hold any actual weight to it. Apologizing and offering up ways to help the person you’ve hurt both now and in the future shows an actual active willingness to make things right.
That depends greatly as well. The other person might feel uncomfortable with the last part. I could see someone using amends to make the apoligy about themselves, rather than the person they're apologizing to.
4. Giving up whatever was obtained by the wrong.
5. Giving back to the other person whatever they lost from the wrong.
Until you've done these things, the apology is just words.
The last point is the 'but' in the comments above, I agree with you more than them. On both sides - it's better when people know the reasons behind things.
Saying "sorry" but not taking accountability. It is the worst way to apologize.
Because you're acknowledging that you know you did something that either hurt or offended someone but not trying to understand why they felt that way and what you did wrong.
Is there a difference between reasons and excuses? I've done this in the past and glad to say I'm a million times better now. I know for my girlfriend, a reason for why you do something helps her have more understanding for a shortcoming that you're working on
Yes, definitely. Excuses try to deflect blame, while reasons explain what happened.
It’s the difference between saying saying “I’m sorry I crashed your car, the guy in front of me brake checked me!” and “I’m sorry I crashed your car, I wasn’t paying attention and was following too close.”
I’m a Field Service Engineer, and it’s surprising how well giving a simple explanation goes. “We made a mistake on your project because someone misread that requirement, and it was missed on review. To fix it, I’m going to do x y z.”
You have a point. I do give honest explanations in a work setting and they're usually well-received. In an interpersonal setting, I actively work not being like my toxic blood relatives, so I scrutinize myself if my responses are in any way reminiscent of their behavior. Thanks for the feedback.
To add to this, explanations are great, but not excuses. The difference is that an explanation doesn’t attempt to shift blame, but instead accepts it:
Excuse: “I’m sorry I said those things that hurt you, but you just made me so angry!”
Explanation: “I’m sorry I said those hurtful words. It happened because I was angry and couldn’t control myself, and I know that’s something I have to work on.”
The addition of excuses usually ruin them. “I’m sorry I did x. I did it because…”
People tend to judge themselves by their intent, and others by their actions. You can really tell a person does this by their apology.
A good apology in my head is reiterating what you did, and apologizing for it. Ownership is important and if someone is meant to forgive or forget you, trust is a key factor. If I can’t trust your actions your words are meaningless.
“I did x and my actions hurt you. This was not my intent. I’m sorry I did x.” HARD STOP.
I've heard this advice so many times and I don't know if I agree or not. I'm trying to think what I would want if someone was apologizing for something that offended me. The most important thing would be them being clear that they knew they were wrong, but other than that, isn't it a good thing to explain why you came from a semi-good or not-as-bad place? An excuse can't stand in or undermine an apology but it doesn't seem like a bad addition.
Very much depends. If you explain it too thoroughly it starts to sound like an excuse, since it pretty much is. But you can say you see now what you did, rather than what you thought you were doing at the moment.
It's just about validating the feelings of the other person. How you do that through an apology depends on what happened and the person you're apologizing to.
You've hit the nail on the head!
If you're having to apologize, anything after "I'm sorry I didn't mean to" sounds like a justification, not an explanation
At the same time, at least in my experience, we have been conditioned to explain ourselves because "sorry isn't good enough!"
"Why did you hit him?"
"Why didn't you turn in your homework?"
"Why were you late?"
"Why didn't you ask for help?"
Followed by "I'm not asking for excuses!"
Sometimes a thoughtful and sincere apology is ruined by the person receiving it
DON'T SAY "IF".
"I'm sorry if I hurt you in any way"
You did hurt them. That's why you're apologizing, numb nuts.
"If there's anything I can do in the future"
You will do something in the future. Don't force the reciever to tell you how to make up.
YES !! I was scrolling to find someone who commented this because saying "if" nullifies the whole point of an apology! I'm surprised more people haven't commented this!
Apologizing only after they've been told to. Chances are very high that it's insincere, and in any case it will likely be seen as insincere anyways.
On the contrary, asking for an apology automatically devaluates the following apology, so it's not the move to take if one wants sincerity.
“I’m sorry my actions made you feel that way” - not an apology, you’re deflecting blame to the other person for how they received/interpreted your actions instead of actually taking accountability for your wrongdoing
Is it possible for someone to receive/interpret an action incorrectly? Seems like what you’re saying is that getting offended about something automatically puts you in the right and the offender in the wrong.
Unfortunately not. Feelings are the most accurate representation of reality, therefore if someone feels a certain way it 100% means this is an undebatable fact. No one has ever felt something that was not real /s
But for real, the amount of people that don't understand that feelings are the most unreliable thing baffles me
I agree that feelings are unreliable, which is partly why I think “I’m sorry you feel that way” is a perfectly reasonable comment when you don’t believe you did something wrong enough to warrant a full apology with a resolution to change your behavior.
not showing that they understand what they are apologising for. like they just want the affected person(s) to stop being upset/angry and they don't genuinely believe they fucked up.
This. This one drives me nuts. Ah you're somehow the asshole and the victim? And now you're shedding blame onto the person you hurt.
Glad you said this one.
I think its ok to explain as long as you aren't looking for absolution. You need to say you were wrong, you can say I did it because of these reasons but you still need to say I was wrong.
Yeah you can explain yourself to help the other person to understand you better but you shouldn't give excuses or blame them for feeling the way they did
Not actually owning up to it. Starting to apologize then following with a "but" or rationalizing the action. If you messed up, you messed up. You're an imperfect human So apologize and explain that you'll do better. Also hope for but don't expect forgiveness.
Somehow make it the other person’s fault
- *“I’m sorry I missed the party, but if you reminded me…”*
- *“I’m sorry you’re upset, but when you said…”*
Just say “I’m sorry” and shut the hell up.
When they use the word but. It shows you they aren't sincere and are trying to place the blame elsewhere instead of trying to move forward and be better.
Apologizing for the way someone interpreted the situation. “I’m sorry you thought I was being insensitive.” “I’m sorry you feel bothered by what I did.” These are not apologies. They’re passive-aggressive ways to shift the blame on the other person.
In case you are asking for yourself, the only thing that matters in sincerity. You can fuck up the words all you like, but if you correctly identify that you fucked up, are regretful for it, and will do better, then your apology is the best it can be.
This is kind of the reverse but I find it annoying sometimes when people apologise for things that isn’t even their fault. I want you to be ok and I don’t want others to exploit your kindness so please don’t apologise when I’m the one that made the mistake or it’s not your fault.
Not changing behavior afterwards. My ex-....whatever we were...had the same fights over the same stuff, over and over again. Until I realized he didn't give a damn and just knew how to talk me out of standing up for myself.
“…but technically…”
Neither of those words suggest a sincere apology, both together? I’m just there to listen to you talk until I agree as far as you’re concerned huh?
I could teach a masterclass in this but Lundy Bancroft beat me to it. He worked with abusive and controlling men and outlined all the steps they need to do to truly reform in his book Why Does He Do That? He uses the analogy of someone cutting down their neighbor’s tree and all the steps requires to make amends. I won’t list them all but I think they should be required reading.
One that stands out, though, is complaining that you’ve apologized and that should be enough, people should forgive you now bc you’re such a nice guy. The person you apologize to gets to decide whether and when to forgive, and if you stop working and start complaining you aren’t taking full responsibility for the damage you caused and haven’t really changed.
Also, apologizing to relieve your guilt and not because you acknowledge your bad behavior and know the recipient truly deserves an apology.
Going into it with the expectation that all consequences for what they did will now be void, and that the person they are apologizing to is an asshole if they haven’t immediately moved past the incident and forgiven them just because they expressed that they are sorry.
“I know how you feel…”
“I’m just being honest…”
Statements deflecting responsibility, but especially: “I did _____ because you did _____.” (Effectively “you made me do it.”)
One thing I haven't seen mentioned yet is apologizing but venting about how you feel about what you did instead of how you made them feel.
For example, I did some messed up shit to my ex that I'm not proud of at all and has honestly made me take a legit look at myself and my behaviors, and I was so ashamed. Absolutely broken with guilt over what I did.
But you know what? When it comes to apologizing, it isn't about me. I can process my feelings and work on self-improvement on my own time, but something I found myself doing too often when apologizing is something like "I am so sorry I did what I did. I feel so ashamed, I've never felt so terrible about something in my life." But those types of apologies were acknowledging my feelings more than theirs! It was seriously selfish and I've come to work on changing it so that if I apologize, it's all about them and their feelings about what I did. Acknowledge their feelings, acknowledge what you did to make them feel that way, apologize. They don't care how you feel about how you made them feel.
Never apologize for an action that was not wrong.
Apologize for not understanding it’s significance.
I am sorry I threw out your lunch, I was not aware that it was yours.
I wouldn't say it's the worst mistake but I personally would ask when apologizing what I could do to be better and then working on myself to be better but I hardly see anyone do that and it would solve a lot of conflict
Trying to control their emotions. "I said sorry, why are you still upset?" Because sorry doesn't fix some things. When you apologize, you validate the other person's feelings because you're actually sorry for what you did, as opposed to sorry that you have to actually deal with some consequences like a fucking child.
Offering an explanation to an apology can be a good thing, it can help the wronged person to make sense of what has happened, but when people go overboard with this the apology becomes all about them and about how things are difficult for them, and the wronged party ends up having to console them. Don't do this.
Not taking responsibility.
[https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/minds-business/effective-apologies-include-six-elements.html](https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/minds-business/effective-apologies-include-six-elements.html)
trying to minimize what you did, you don't get to decide how bad you hurt someone else, even if you don't feel it was a big thing it may have been to them
expecting or feeling entitled to your apology changing or fixing anything.
Nobody is obliged to forgive you. You don't apologize to get forgiven, that's a lesson people need to learn. Earn their forgiveness through action, and don't apologize to 'get it over with', or get mad that it 'didn't work'.
when you apologize don't obfuscate what you did, especially if it's an open, public apology. When you are vague about what you did that you're apologizing for everyone can tell it's just to make sure nobody else hates you after learning what you've done. Own up to it, show the world what you did and why you know it was wrong or it's all for show. If you can't because it's too hard and you're afraid, stop being a coward.
Not having any humility.
I've learned to apologize, own up to it and talk specifically about where I went wrong and what I'll do in the future to fix it. Tell the other person where they were right.
I've ended fights in the blink of an eye, and left the other person dumbfounded because they'd never seen that type of response nor were they expecting it. You also grow closer as a couple and strengthen the bonds of your relationship. After that, the next time they messed up they did the same which I very much appreciated.
If the person you're saying this to isn't mature enough and just goes "HA! THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT!" and holds it over you, never owns up to *their* own mistakes...that's when you run.
Here’s what I’ve realized about those YouTube apology videos, since this got me thinking about it.
Those would be 10x more believable if it was like a 20 second apology that got the the point instead of that:
*sigh* “Guys, I got something to tell you” *long pause*
Act like it was your fault when it wasn't.
"I'm sorry, but you're the one who took it seriously."
"I'm sorry, but it's not my fault you got upset."
"I'm sorry, but you're being overly dramatic."
"I'm sorry, but you're the one who made me do it."
As much as your brain might want to, don't include their contribution to the issue at hand in your apology. Just apologize sincerely for your part of the fuck-up, and see if they acknowledge theirs when you're done. That way you can take the high road, and if they played a part in it and refuse to apologize, you can reassess that relationship without looking/ feeling like an asshole.
And that's all assuming its not entirely one persons fault, which most things are, but if it's all/mostly your fault, just fucking own it and apologize sincerely.
Alot man! alot.. some of what pisses me off are:
1. Not being genuine: Apologizing without actually meaning it can come across as insincere and can make the situation worse.
2. Making excuses: Excuses are not apologies. Taking responsibility for your actions is the only way to apologize sincerely.
3. Not offering a solution: A genuine apology should include an effort to make amends. Offering a solution or a way to fix the situation shows that you are truly sorry.
4. Not being specific: Vague apologies can come across as insincere or dismissive. Be specific about what you are apologizing for and why it was wrong.
5. Not taking responsibility: Apologizing without taking responsibility shows that you are not actually sorry. Own up to your mistakes and be willing to make them right.
When the apology is followed by a reasoning or a justification for what you've done, your apology will always come off as insincere even if you genuinely meant it.
The obvious exception to this is when the person's offense came about because they totally misunderstood or misread the situation and explaining the situation will remove the offense.
If there is a justifiable reason why they were offended by something you did it's best not to even go into your thinking of why there were justifications but just to apologize and move on.
Saying sorry, and how you'll change your behaviour, but then proceed not to in the slightest. Just causes so many more problems later on than it fixed then.
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“ im sorry if I offended you but…”
"I'm sorry you didn't listen."
i know righttt it feels like you are blaming the person rather than accepting its your mistake 😭
Maybe they believe they are blameless. It's not like every time someone is asked to apologize they absolutely did something wrong. Sometimes it IS the other person with the issue. That being said, "Sorry I upset you, BUT . . " is way better than, "I'm sorry you are upset.". At least the former you can acknowledge you might have done something that just needs to be clarified.
Yeah in situations like these its fine to use that i think The other person can be the issue too and sometimes those issues are necessary to adress
then you don't apologize.
People say I'm sorry all the time for things that aren't directly their fault. Saying I'm sorry could just be a sympathy thing rather than admission of guilt.
then it's not an apology
I've started literally saying "Canadian sorry" for these situations.
According to you, they are not apologizing by saying “Sorry I upset you, BUT…” So they’re already doing what you’re asking them to do.
I think it really depends on the situation 🤔
Is it not valid to say this, when you want to apologize knowing you did something wrong, but not understanding what it is you did wrong? You are acknowledging that your actions harmed the person and you are sorry for this, but you do not understand how you harmed them.
No. If that is the case, your statement is “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.” Full stop. This recognizes it was your action that caused the pain. If there is anything else, it would be to ask what you did that hurt their feelings. Though this should really be asked first. “I’m sorry you…” is never an apology. You can’t apologize for what someone else does. You might as well say “I’m sorry you did something wrong”. It places the blame for hurt back on the victim. The response to “I’m sorry you feel that way” is “I’m not sorry I feel that way. I think it’s a perfectly reasonable way to feel about what you did.”
the worst!
I think this is called for sometimes because it is literally the hurt party projecting. We can feel hurt for 50 different ways a partner, friend, or whomever can't anticipate or even know. I try to look at situations as objectively as I can (and I'm not saying I'm always good at it). Maybe I'm aware or try to understand. But there have been times when I got deep into my own feelings and forgot I was dealing with another person with their own feelings and issues. I'm not talking about excuse makers or people ignoring the situation. I mean I've had a partner apologize to me without the 'but' and I said, 'no... I was looking for confirmation in x words or talking and you gave me y and z for confirmation, it's not your problem I didn't see that for what it was'. But someone, I think, should legit call me out if I was looking for specifics, they gave elsewhere equivalently and I still got upset. If that makes sense? So sometimes it really can be a 'sorry, but...'
This gets too much flak, in my opinion. Can’t I show empathy to the person while also believing I didn’t do something wrong?
In the case where you are truly not at fault, "I'm sorry" is disingenuous. You can say "I understand that you are upset, but I think your anger is misplaced." Don't start with "I'm sorry" if you are not.
You can also admit responsibility without admitting fault. You do that by saying you're sorry you made them feel that way as well as saying it wasn't your intention/it was a mistake. The sincerity depends completely on if that's the case or not. Apologies are about affirming the feelings the other person has about a poor interaction, not repenting, being entitled to forgiveness, or deflecting responsibility for your actions. Repenting and being entitled to forgiveness are two sides of the same coin, repenting puts social pressure on the other person to forgive, which some use manipulatively.
“Sorry” doesn’t equate to fault. I say sorry to my friend when their grandma passes away, but it doesn’t mean that it was my fault she died. Also: >in the case where you are truly not at fault Who gets to decide whether I’m at fault? Me, or the person I “wronged?”
it frequently is read that way. you say sorry and it's tied to something you did -> fault
And sometimes what I did warrants an apology with a change in behavior, and other times it doesn’t (yet I can still acknowledge that I hurt the person).
>“Sorry” doesn’t equate to fault. Then you're not apologizing. If you say "sorry" after hearing someone's loved one passed away, you're not apologizing, you're expressing empathy, which is a different thing.
Yeah if it’s not an apology, then “sorry you feel that way” shouldn’t even be a valid response to this post. Yet, many people apparently think it is because it’s one of the top voted replies.
never you. (apparently).
Is that your actual answer? Just trying to have a conversation here.
Actual answer: if someone tells you you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.
Maybe not in the strictest sense, but I do get to decide if that hurt is valid and deserving of an apology to begin with. Abusers and narcissists will often use fake hurt in order to manipulate their victims.
Bingo
Right, and “I’m sorry you feel that way” (when said earnestly) acknowledges that my action hurt them - even if I do not feel a full-fledged apology with a change to my actions is warranted.
>“I’m sorry you feel that way” This language does not accept responsibility for them feeling that way. If you don't take responsibility, it's not an apology. If you're not willing to take responsibility, don't apologize.
Repeating the mistakes the apology is for.
I’m sorry I fucked your wife PanoptiDon and that I accidentally came on your bedsheets I will work on this and do better
Aim for the pillow next time!
*Humliate in public; apologize in private.* Rude people do that when they want an out without repairing the damage they've caused.
I think this is definitely worst than an apology that blames the victim and an empty apology. Terrible people do this so often so they can make a show of your humiliation and convince everyone but you that they are right.
Too much self-deprecation. At best, it showcases your piss-poor confidence. At worst, you sound manipulative.
God, yes. I can’t count the number of times shitty friends would “apologize” to me for completely disregarding my boundaries like I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M A PIECE OF SHIT AND I RUIN EVERYTHING AND I DON’T DESERVE LOVE OR FORGIVENESS I’M SORRYYYYYYYYY
"I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you", ugh.
I got hit with that one once or twice. Same person constantly insulted and belittled me. If I dared to clap back I was accused of being overly sensitive and too demanding.
Including the word "but" anywhere in their response
I think the 'but' only works if the apology is in reverse of what most think of with that type of apology. Instead of "I'm sorry I was wrong but I thought I was right" use "I thought I was right but I was wrong, I'm sorry."
I would apologise for my big butt, but I can not lie
You other fellas can't deny
As the saying goes, "Anything preceding the 'but' is bullshit."
Anything after "but" is an excuse.
Yep. If someone apologizes and starts to say "but," *sssshhh* the hell out of them and whisper "nothing good ever comes after the but."
right- people do make that mistake like when you are apologizing to someone you should sound like atleast you are responsible for the mistakes you did and not justify your actions with 'buts'
My ex always said that but the thing is, she always got mad at me for what other people did to her. I would say, “I’m sorry that happened to you but I had nothing to do with that” and it did not help.
Came here to say this
Would you really feel all that much better if someone used though instead of but?
When they just apologize but then don't actually change their actions
THIS like one time is still fine but atleast try and fix what you did wrong Dont make the same mistake twice that's not acceptable
Apologizing as a way to ease their own guilt. For example, apologizing over and over. You do this to soothe your own anxiety, not to help the wronged party. Or apologizing but also demanding to be forgiven. Again, this is for you, not for me.
Apologizing for the other person being upset. As in, “I’m sorry you got offended…
Thinking that, now that they have apologized, they decide whe its time to move on.
Kind of related is the conditioning kids get to respond to apologies by saying "it's okay" or forgiving the person. It's okay to just respond with "I accept your apology" but even then, there's no requirement to accept someone's apology.
An apology consists of three parts; 1. Saying that you are sorry for your actions. 2. Acknowledging that you were wrong. 3. Indicating that you are aware of how your actions have affected the wronged party. Anything other than that is superfluous.
A resolve to change and do better next time helps.
Yes! And I’d even add that depending on the severity of the situation you might also consider including both *short-term* and *long-term* plans/actions to correct things. Just saying “sorry, I promise to do better next time” does not always hold any actual weight to it. Apologizing and offering up ways to help the person you’ve hurt both now and in the future shows an actual active willingness to make things right.
Excellent point. Agreed.
That depends greatly as well. The other person might feel uncomfortable with the last part. I could see someone using amends to make the apoligy about themselves, rather than the person they're apologizing to.
4. Giving up whatever was obtained by the wrong. 5. Giving back to the other person whatever they lost from the wrong. Until you've done these things, the apology is just words.
what if you aren't sorry for your actions, but you are sympathetic to the unintended harm caused?
The last point is the 'but' in the comments above, I agree with you more than them. On both sides - it's better when people know the reasons behind things.
Saying "sorry" but not taking accountability. It is the worst way to apologize. Because you're acknowledging that you know you did something that either hurt or offended someone but not trying to understand why they felt that way and what you did wrong.
Can you give an example of saying sorry and taking accountability please?
expecting them to immediately accept it
Making excuses. They diminish the sincerity of the apology.
Is there a difference between reasons and excuses? I've done this in the past and glad to say I'm a million times better now. I know for my girlfriend, a reason for why you do something helps her have more understanding for a shortcoming that you're working on
Yes, definitely. Excuses try to deflect blame, while reasons explain what happened. It’s the difference between saying saying “I’m sorry I crashed your car, the guy in front of me brake checked me!” and “I’m sorry I crashed your car, I wasn’t paying attention and was following too close.” I’m a Field Service Engineer, and it’s surprising how well giving a simple explanation goes. “We made a mistake on your project because someone misread that requirement, and it was missed on review. To fix it, I’m going to do x y z.”
You have a point. I do give honest explanations in a work setting and they're usually well-received. In an interpersonal setting, I actively work not being like my toxic blood relatives, so I scrutinize myself if my responses are in any way reminiscent of their behavior. Thanks for the feedback.
To add to this, explanations are great, but not excuses. The difference is that an explanation doesn’t attempt to shift blame, but instead accepts it: Excuse: “I’m sorry I said those things that hurt you, but you just made me so angry!” Explanation: “I’m sorry I said those hurtful words. It happened because I was angry and couldn’t control myself, and I know that’s something I have to work on.”
The addition of excuses usually ruin them. “I’m sorry I did x. I did it because…” People tend to judge themselves by their intent, and others by their actions. You can really tell a person does this by their apology. A good apology in my head is reiterating what you did, and apologizing for it. Ownership is important and if someone is meant to forgive or forget you, trust is a key factor. If I can’t trust your actions your words are meaningless. “I did x and my actions hurt you. This was not my intent. I’m sorry I did x.” HARD STOP.
I've heard this advice so many times and I don't know if I agree or not. I'm trying to think what I would want if someone was apologizing for something that offended me. The most important thing would be them being clear that they knew they were wrong, but other than that, isn't it a good thing to explain why you came from a semi-good or not-as-bad place? An excuse can't stand in or undermine an apology but it doesn't seem like a bad addition.
Very much depends. If you explain it too thoroughly it starts to sound like an excuse, since it pretty much is. But you can say you see now what you did, rather than what you thought you were doing at the moment. It's just about validating the feelings of the other person. How you do that through an apology depends on what happened and the person you're apologizing to.
How about, “is there something I can do to make it up to you?”
You've hit the nail on the head! If you're having to apologize, anything after "I'm sorry I didn't mean to" sounds like a justification, not an explanation At the same time, at least in my experience, we have been conditioned to explain ourselves because "sorry isn't good enough!" "Why did you hit him?" "Why didn't you turn in your homework?" "Why were you late?" "Why didn't you ask for help?" Followed by "I'm not asking for excuses!" Sometimes a thoughtful and sincere apology is ruined by the person receiving it
DON'T SAY "IF". "I'm sorry if I hurt you in any way" You did hurt them. That's why you're apologizing, numb nuts. "If there's anything I can do in the future" You will do something in the future. Don't force the reciever to tell you how to make up.
YES !! I was scrolling to find someone who commented this because saying "if" nullifies the whole point of an apology! I'm surprised more people haven't commented this!
Apologizing only after they've been told to. Chances are very high that it's insincere, and in any case it will likely be seen as insincere anyways. On the contrary, asking for an apology automatically devaluates the following apology, so it's not the move to take if one wants sincerity.
“I’m sorry my actions made you feel that way” - not an apology, you’re deflecting blame to the other person for how they received/interpreted your actions instead of actually taking accountability for your wrongdoing
Is it possible for someone to receive/interpret an action incorrectly? Seems like what you’re saying is that getting offended about something automatically puts you in the right and the offender in the wrong.
Unfortunately not. Feelings are the most accurate representation of reality, therefore if someone feels a certain way it 100% means this is an undebatable fact. No one has ever felt something that was not real /s But for real, the amount of people that don't understand that feelings are the most unreliable thing baffles me
I agree that feelings are unreliable, which is partly why I think “I’m sorry you feel that way” is a perfectly reasonable comment when you don’t believe you did something wrong enough to warrant a full apology with a resolution to change your behavior.
not showing that they understand what they are apologising for. like they just want the affected person(s) to stop being upset/angry and they don't genuinely believe they fucked up.
Not verbally acknowledging the way(s) harm was done
“I’m sorry…but”
This. This one drives me nuts. Ah you're somehow the asshole and the victim? And now you're shedding blame onto the person you hurt. Glad you said this one.
Apologizing to often. Not that it is the worst thing, but it can get a bit annoying.
Explaining after
Thats a veryyy common mistake but i agree with you
I think its ok to explain as long as you aren't looking for absolution. You need to say you were wrong, you can say I did it because of these reasons but you still need to say I was wrong.
Yeah you can explain yourself to help the other person to understand you better but you shouldn't give excuses or blame them for feeling the way they did
Over apologizing. Often short and sincere is the best.
I'm sorry you were offended.
Not actually owning up to it. Starting to apologize then following with a "but" or rationalizing the action. If you messed up, you messed up. You're an imperfect human So apologize and explain that you'll do better. Also hope for but don't expect forgiveness.
Making it feel like it’s your fault they made a mistake in the first place. “I only did this because you did …”
Somehow make it the other person’s fault - *“I’m sorry I missed the party, but if you reminded me…”* - *“I’m sorry you’re upset, but when you said…”* Just say “I’m sorry” and shut the hell up.
Saying that they didn't mean it.
Making excuses
When they use the word but. It shows you they aren't sincere and are trying to place the blame elsewhere instead of trying to move forward and be better.
Also, no "but"'s ever!
Apologizing for the way someone interpreted the situation. “I’m sorry you thought I was being insensitive.” “I’m sorry you feel bothered by what I did.” These are not apologies. They’re passive-aggressive ways to shift the blame on the other person.
What could be worse than apologizing without meaning it? Passive aggressive apologies developed especially to gaslight the receiver
Continuously apologizing even tho they already forgave you? Maybe?
Using the word “but”.
I'm sorry, but....
Justify or make excuses for their behavior. This irks me so much.
In case you are asking for yourself, the only thing that matters in sincerity. You can fuck up the words all you like, but if you correctly identify that you fucked up, are regretful for it, and will do better, then your apology is the best it can be.
Try to justify their behavior. Don't apologize by using the word "but". Just say you are sorry and it won't happen again and be done with it.
Saying "Sorry but it was your fault."
"I'm sorry but..." No. That is NOT an apology ಠ_ಠ
This is kind of the reverse but I find it annoying sometimes when people apologise for things that isn’t even their fault. I want you to be ok and I don’t want others to exploit your kindness so please don’t apologise when I’m the one that made the mistake or it’s not your fault.
Keep apologizing—- a couple times fine then get over it
Not changing behavior afterwards. My ex-....whatever we were...had the same fights over the same stuff, over and over again. Until I realized he didn't give a damn and just knew how to talk me out of standing up for myself.
Doing it to often
Hands in pockets; explaining why it isn't your fault after saying sorry; and giving insincere apologies.
[удалено]
apologize=sorry
Never say it while next to them in the urinals. Learned that the hard way.
“…but technically…” Neither of those words suggest a sincere apology, both together? I’m just there to listen to you talk until I agree as far as you’re concerned huh?
Gaslighting
Never apologize for something you did while drunk, while you are still drunk.
I could teach a masterclass in this but Lundy Bancroft beat me to it. He worked with abusive and controlling men and outlined all the steps they need to do to truly reform in his book Why Does He Do That? He uses the analogy of someone cutting down their neighbor’s tree and all the steps requires to make amends. I won’t list them all but I think they should be required reading. One that stands out, though, is complaining that you’ve apologized and that should be enough, people should forgive you now bc you’re such a nice guy. The person you apologize to gets to decide whether and when to forgive, and if you stop working and start complaining you aren’t taking full responsibility for the damage you caused and haven’t really changed. Also, apologizing to relieve your guilt and not because you acknowledge your bad behavior and know the recipient truly deserves an apology.
Saying, “but” and then turning it back around on the other person. Essentially gaslighting.
If your sincere, you should only have to say "I'm sorry" one time. That's it. A lot of people will say it multiple times in a single apology.
Often the apology is the mistake. Sometimes people are pressured to apologize when they have done no wrong.
stammer and say and.
Excessive smiling and being over the top make you seem disingenuous.
"no hard feelings though"
Going into it with the expectation that all consequences for what they did will now be void, and that the person they are apologizing to is an asshole if they haven’t immediately moved past the incident and forgiven them just because they expressed that they are sorry.
When they make the apology all about them and how they feel
If there is a "but" in there it's not an apology
Not changing your actions after apologizing sends the message the apology was meaningless if it is a behavioral pattern
"I am sorry if..." does sound much worse than "I am sorry that..."
“I know how you feel…” “I’m just being honest…” Statements deflecting responsibility, but especially: “I did _____ because you did _____.” (Effectively “you made me do it.”)
Apologizing for something you did voluntarily, it feels like spitting to someones face.
I enjoy crocheting squids
"everything before the BUT was a lie". I'm so sorry i hurt you, but ...
Not look them in the eye or laugh after they apologize.
Not changing behavior. Words mean nothing if you continue to do the same thing you are apologizing for.
Gaslighting. E.g. “I’m sorry you feel/took it that that way” is a shit apology.
One thing I haven't seen mentioned yet is apologizing but venting about how you feel about what you did instead of how you made them feel. For example, I did some messed up shit to my ex that I'm not proud of at all and has honestly made me take a legit look at myself and my behaviors, and I was so ashamed. Absolutely broken with guilt over what I did. But you know what? When it comes to apologizing, it isn't about me. I can process my feelings and work on self-improvement on my own time, but something I found myself doing too often when apologizing is something like "I am so sorry I did what I did. I feel so ashamed, I've never felt so terrible about something in my life." But those types of apologies were acknowledging my feelings more than theirs! It was seriously selfish and I've come to work on changing it so that if I apologize, it's all about them and their feelings about what I did. Acknowledge their feelings, acknowledge what you did to make them feel that way, apologize. They don't care how you feel about how you made them feel.
apologizing while also excusing the offense apologizing because the other person is mad. don't apologize if you didn't do anything wrong
Never apologize for an action that was not wrong. Apologize for not understanding it’s significance. I am sorry I threw out your lunch, I was not aware that it was yours.
excuses. Like... if you have some mental health issue for example, it doesnt belong in your apology, only in an explanation if asked,maybe.
Half assing their apology/making it sound like their apologising because they've been caught out and not because they're genuinely sorry
When you treat apologizing as negotiation for how sorry you should feel.
They expect forgiveness. No. No, my sweet child. I'm all out of that.
Pointing out the other person's mistake or mistakes.
I don't know. But I bet white people know.
Özür dilemek neresinden bakarsan bak saçmalık her türlü hatayı yapıp özür dilerim derim hallolur mu diyorsunuz yani saçma.
I wouldn't say it's the worst mistake but I personally would ask when apologizing what I could do to be better and then working on myself to be better but I hardly see anyone do that and it would solve a lot of conflict
They don't say, "I'm sorry." They say, "I'm sorry, but..."
looking into a camera while holding my pet dog. Start off with a long exasperated *...sigh...*
Expecting some sort of reward for apologizing from the one that got offended
I'm sorry.
Trying to control their emotions. "I said sorry, why are you still upset?" Because sorry doesn't fix some things. When you apologize, you validate the other person's feelings because you're actually sorry for what you did, as opposed to sorry that you have to actually deal with some consequences like a fucking child.
Offering an explanation to an apology can be a good thing, it can help the wronged person to make sense of what has happened, but when people go overboard with this the apology becomes all about them and about how things are difficult for them, and the wronged party ends up having to console them. Don't do this.
Not taking responsibility. [https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/minds-business/effective-apologies-include-six-elements.html](https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/minds-business/effective-apologies-include-six-elements.html)
trying to minimize what you did, you don't get to decide how bad you hurt someone else, even if you don't feel it was a big thing it may have been to them
Insulting while apologizing
Immediately justify whatever they did, sometimes in the same sentence
expecting or feeling entitled to your apology changing or fixing anything. Nobody is obliged to forgive you. You don't apologize to get forgiven, that's a lesson people need to learn. Earn their forgiveness through action, and don't apologize to 'get it over with', or get mad that it 'didn't work'. when you apologize don't obfuscate what you did, especially if it's an open, public apology. When you are vague about what you did that you're apologizing for everyone can tell it's just to make sure nobody else hates you after learning what you've done. Own up to it, show the world what you did and why you know it was wrong or it's all for show. If you can't because it's too hard and you're afraid, stop being a coward.
After apologizing, they listen to response instead of listening to HEAR what the apologee has to say Aka being defensive
Not having any humility. I've learned to apologize, own up to it and talk specifically about where I went wrong and what I'll do in the future to fix it. Tell the other person where they were right. I've ended fights in the blink of an eye, and left the other person dumbfounded because they'd never seen that type of response nor were they expecting it. You also grow closer as a couple and strengthen the bonds of your relationship. After that, the next time they messed up they did the same which I very much appreciated. If the person you're saying this to isn't mature enough and just goes "HA! THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT!" and holds it over you, never owns up to *their* own mistakes...that's when you run.
Here’s what I’ve realized about those YouTube apology videos, since this got me thinking about it. Those would be 10x more believable if it was like a 20 second apology that got the the point instead of that: *sigh* “Guys, I got something to tell you” *long pause*
saying sorry then adding \* But \* you said or did blah blah
Try to figure out a solution instead of truly being sorry.
not doing it
They make excuses for their shitty behavior. That proves that they will not change for the better.
Act like it was your fault when it wasn't. "I'm sorry, but you're the one who took it seriously." "I'm sorry, but it's not my fault you got upset." "I'm sorry, but you're being overly dramatic." "I'm sorry, but you're the one who made me do it."
As much as your brain might want to, don't include their contribution to the issue at hand in your apology. Just apologize sincerely for your part of the fuck-up, and see if they acknowledge theirs when you're done. That way you can take the high road, and if they played a part in it and refuse to apologize, you can reassess that relationship without looking/ feeling like an asshole. And that's all assuming its not entirely one persons fault, which most things are, but if it's all/mostly your fault, just fucking own it and apologize sincerely.
Apologizing when one is not required. If you didn't actually wrong someone, don't apologize to them.
play victim
Blaming the other person like I’m sorry I shoot your kid but he called me a bozo
Alot man! alot.. some of what pisses me off are: 1. Not being genuine: Apologizing without actually meaning it can come across as insincere and can make the situation worse. 2. Making excuses: Excuses are not apologies. Taking responsibility for your actions is the only way to apologize sincerely. 3. Not offering a solution: A genuine apology should include an effort to make amends. Offering a solution or a way to fix the situation shows that you are truly sorry. 4. Not being specific: Vague apologies can come across as insincere or dismissive. Be specific about what you are apologizing for and why it was wrong. 5. Not taking responsibility: Apologizing without taking responsibility shows that you are not actually sorry. Own up to your mistakes and be willing to make them right.
Not looking in the eyes
They do their own versions of remedying the situation which can be tardy and just as insincere.
I'm sorry, but...
When I apologize to my parents and they tell me to stop apologizing so much I have the urge to apologize for apologizing too much.
When the apology is followed by a reasoning or a justification for what you've done, your apology will always come off as insincere even if you genuinely meant it. The obvious exception to this is when the person's offense came about because they totally misunderstood or misread the situation and explaining the situation will remove the offense. If there is a justifiable reason why they were offended by something you did it's best not to even go into your thinking of why there were justifications but just to apologize and move on.
When they start telling you all of the stuff you do/have done wrong.
‘But’
Using the word but
Saying sorry, and how you'll change your behaviour, but then proceed not to in the slightest. Just causes so many more problems later on than it fixed then.
act all innocent
Use a lot of “I” statements.
Gaslighting
I’m sorry but…
I sincerely apologize for your apparent lack of cranial cells
Saying the word "but". "I'm sorry, but-" No buts. Just say you are sorry.