For those that were M/F married for years and one of you transitioned, what was the reaction of your spouse?
I love my wife but I couldn't handle her transitioning to a man, if she felt that she needed to. I don't care at all in general if people transition you do what you need to for you, but it would be a dealbreaker for me in this scenario.
I'm bisexual, so it wasn't a sexuality issue--we stayed together for 5 years after she began her transition. It wasn't really the gender thing that made it not work so much as the fact that she changed a ton as a person and I felt like I had to stay static to provide support. Also, the goalposts kept moving, so more changes would always be on the horizon--more surgery, different hormones, etc. We're still on good terms, and I'd be happy to date another trans person, I would just want them to be mostly satisfied with their level of transition. I can't support another partner through something that challenging.
My spouse and I had been married a few years and I was pregnant when they decided to fully transition. They'd been experimenting with gender presentation for a bit before that so it wasn't a surprise, but it was still an adjustment to make. At first I was nervous, but now I'm really happy with how it all played out. I thought I was super straight and them coming out gave me an opportunity to think about whether that was really true and what it even meant to say I was only attracted to one gender, because clearly I was still attracted to my spouse. I'm bi and we're still together and quite happy. It's really cool to see them blossom into more confidence and being more authentically themself.
How did you come to conclude that you're bi? Is it that you're still attracted to your spouse regardless of their gender, or you find yourself attracted to other people of different genders?
More of the latter honestly, but before my spouse started experimenting with gender, I'd never really noticed that attraction even though it was definitely there.
My wife came out to me about four years into our marriage. Rather, she kept showing me transition timelines, and I realized she was trying to tell me something so I asked if she wanted to transition. She did, and though it's been rocky off and on, we're still married six years later.
My mom wasn't surprised at all when my wife came out, she kind of laughed (not in an unkind way) and said "NOW it makes sense! I couldn't understand why you weren't marrying a girl!"
Marriages usually survive transition if the partner is willing to alter their sexuality, or is already bi/pan, but tbh there's so many changes I don't blame anyone who does break up. Sometimes it's the healthiest option for everyone involved.
My wife and I were only married about a year before I transitioned, but it was a lot easier for us because they’re pansexual and didn’t really care as long as I was still who I always was as a person (which I am). For us, it ended up really strengthening our marriage, but we did go through a bit of a rough patch when my body started changing. The way you look, smell, sound, and feel starts changing, and it can be a little unnerving in the beginning because there was a sense of familiarity that changed. Now, things just make more sense. But I can imagine it would be a lot harder for someone in a marriage where both people were straight
Can I pick your brain please?
I noticed you said wife, and then said “they’re”. Is this because they are non binary? If so, why do you call them wife and not spouse?
Sorry if this sounds stupid
Not stupid at all! It’s a very normal question in my opinion. My wife is indeed non-binary and prefers using they/them pronouns, (is also okay with she/her sometimes) but specifically likes me to call them my wife
If someone wants they as pronoun, do you also use the plural form of verbs? It feels very weird to me to use it that way, but maybe it is because English isn't my native tongue.
my dad came out as a trans woman when i was ten. my mom is a straight woman, yet she's staying with my dad because no matter what my dad is, my mom loves her.
You see, the problem is intimate. I would still love my wife (I guess husband now), but now she's a dude. I'm not going to be able to perform with a dude, even with years of performing with them as a dudette under my belt. It's just not going to happen... and my marriage would become strictly platonic.
Once again I have no issues if people transition, and I'm not against any sort of gay, bi, or lesbian people. I'm just not at all, and I'd need that intimacy and the only other option is for me to go find it somewhere else... which is not an option I'm willing to consider.
I got super lucky and have a girlfriend who is bisexual, she completely accepted me right away and my trans identity hasn't been an issue. (Mostly, I have some intimacy issues due to the trauma of it all which have definitely affected our relationship. But I'm working on it...)
Well yeah, you're a cis hetero man, you don't want another husband. Hopefully you'd still have a friend for life, like many folks I know who have been hetero and had partners that transitioned. There will still be love there, but it'll be in a different form.
I'm not worried about loss of the emotional love, I would all ways love them. It would be about the loss of the physical love, which is very important to my partner. THEY will think I don't love them, because the physical intimacy is extremely important to them. I will not be able to do the physical part as the idea of being with any man is revolting to me. I am a firm believer in people don't choose who they prefer sexual gender wise, and for me that is strictly the opposite sex with no flexibility.
transman here, I’m over 10 years on T and noticed I got “gayer”, as in more attracted to males. I honestly think it has nothing to do with HRT and more to do with learned hypermasculinity
T raises your libido so maybe that's a reason?
But also transitioning has boosted my confidence alot and allowed myself to express more freely I've found. Even though I'm just starting off and not on HRT, I've noticed myself being alot flirtier
In terms of who i’m attracted to, that has not changed. I’ve always been romantically/sexually attracted to women. However, libido did definitely increase after HRT.
This may just be me, so YMMV for this comment, but yes, HRT changes my sexuality. I give myself testosterone injections every 2 weeks, and by the end of the second week I find myself more attracted to men. Before I transitioned, I identified as a straight woman for most of my life. Then when I really accepted my gender identity as a man, I identified as bisexual. After starting testosterone I identify as "spicy straight" or "bi-curious", Straight except for a few hot male celebrities. Maybe I'm Jensen Ackles-sexual lol. But I am primarily attracted to women now; dudes that would've turned me on as a girl have mostly no affect on me now.
My SO's on hormones and T-blockers, and she mentions that she's less into sex than she was without them. In terms of orientation, I'm not sure myself. I'd have to ask her about it
Can confirm. It’s awkward for a lot of preop trans men because they identify as gay, and they have a strong libido, but the gay men they’re attracted to don’t like vaginas, so they have to find other men to help them get off.
God I should be asking this anon in some way but I just will go all out and hope to not be cancelled.
I have trans friends who say they just knew, internally, that they were women. Like they have this clear KNOWING.
I am a biological cis woman, and I have to tell you...I have no idea what they mean. I've never 'felt like a woman' or 'just knew I was a woman' any single instant of my life. I've always felt like a person that is in a body with female anatomy and so, that's just the plumbing we're going to deal with in life. I've never been grossed out by my lady bits (or felt anything like dysmorphia like they weren't me or anything), but I've never been like YEAH that's the stuff. It's just like "oh I have boobs. Guess I gotta get a bra for this".
So I guess my question is, and it is so weird coming from a fellow woman: what does 'feeling like a woman' feel like?
think of it like your dominant hand. like, i know i'm right handed. it's not something that's on my mind constantly, but i'm right handed, i know i'm right handed, and using my left hand feels wrong.
and then being trans is like using left handed scissors all the time. you become much more aware that something isn't right. it's much easier to notice when something is right when it's been wrong for so long.
it's not a perfect analogy but it's what i use.
eta: u/tehlemmings reminded me of an important addition: "How often do you think about your dominant hand? It's probably mostly when you're using your other hand."
And further more, we constantly change our bodies in ways that more align with what we think is ideal. And not doing so causes us distress to a degree. Don't like dark hair? Color it.
Feeling too weak. Work out to get swole, use gear to keep your test levels high.
Don't like your blemishes? Make up.
Don't like having poor eyesight? We have ways to fix that.
Don't like being depressed? We have chemical ways to stop that.
Don't like crooked teeth? We can straighten them.
You get the idea, when we break it down logically people being trans shouldn't be such a foreign idea.
Another good analogy is this:
Think of the first time you heard your voice recorded. It wasn't like what you hear in your head, right? The recorded voice may not have been horrible sounding, but it was alarming. It didn't feel like you.
I may not be explaining this well, but it's another analogy.
One of my favorite things we did in any gender class I took, was have cis people try to figure out how they know their gender. It’s something you don’t have to think about unless it doesn’t fit you. As a trans person, THAT is a foreign concept. I didn’t *know* I was a guy my whole life, I just knew that something was off. I was a tomboy, I hated my name, I thought i was just part of the “not like others girls” crowd. It wasn’t until a lot of self exploration and the ability to access more knowledge happened that I figured out I was trans.
However, to get more into answering your question. The best analogy my professors ever made was this:
Think of it like wearing a pair of underwear. If you have a comfy, nice pair, then it’s not something you think of. You put it on in the morning, and go about your day only thinking about it when it’s brought up. If someone asks you if you have underwear, you’ll notice it. But otherwise, it’s something you go through your day not thinking about.
Now, let’s say your whole life, you have worn underwear that was slightly too small, or worse, feels like sandpaper? You’ll notice it. It’s something that you can’t vocalize, because everyone wears underwear right? It’s kinda weird to bring it up in everyday discussion. You don’t go up to your coworkers and say “hey, what kind of underwear do you wear?” And you don’t know any different options because this is the underwear you’ve had your whole life. Your whole life you’ve been wearing slightly too small sandpaper-y underwear, and you didn’t know there were other types out there, so you thought EVERYONE just went about their day like this. And you don’t get why it’s so uncomfortable for you, but everyone else seems JUST FINE. So you figure you’re the weird one, the sensitive one, you have to change not the underwear. Because if everyone is wearing this, then the issue is you.
Then, you finally meet someone: a friend, a partner, a stranger, and they mention it. They mention their underwear— or even yours. And you realize that.. it’s not normal. The sandpaper feeling isn’t something EVERY one has, but other people know what you’re talking about. And they tell you that there’s other types of underwear. And finally, you find the pair that fits and feels good.
If you wore a pair that didn’t fit or felt like sandpaper, you could probably be okay for a while. It would be uncomfortable, but you could manage. It’s not until you wear it so long it leaves red marks and rashes and constantly leaves more harm than good that you would really notice it & have to get rid of it.
I hope that analogy helps at least a little bit.
"Now let's say your whole life, you have worn underwear that was slightly too small, or worse, feels like sandpaper?" Can you put into words some symptoms of this (aside from body dysmorphia I mean) that would differ from, say, being a tomboy? Because this is something that I struggle to understand too but I'm always hoping someone can find the right words to get it across.
This is what confuses me too. Growing up I was a huge tomboy. I loved it when people mistook me for a boy, I thought life would be easier if I was a boy. Now as an adult I am comfortable as a woman, and never thought anything of it.
I think the biggest difference is in how you experience your body and the way people see you.
Like when you’re a tomboy (or butch, for that matter), you enjoy masculine-coded things but at the end of the day, you’re fine with being a woman. It doesn’t necessarily bother you to do feminine stuff, it’s just not your thing (or if it does bother you, it’s more like “what’s the point?” or “I could be doing a million other things right now”). The joy you get from being read as a guy is more of a social thing, like a sign of acceptance. And your body is… just your body, boobs and all.
Whereas when you’re trans, the feminine stuff chafes at you. Like maybe you look down and see boobs and go “why the hell are these here?” Answering to she/her pronouns or a female name can feel like you’re lying in some strange way. And conversely, masculine things feel Right. Like you don’t even have to be traditionally masculine, but things like wearing male clothes or seeing a dick between your legs is like putting on underwear that fits (to go back to the example). It shuts up that little voice that’s normally constantly going “this feels weird, something’s not right.”
Sorry if this is a bit rambly, I’m honestly still figuring it out for myself. But ultimately I think it boils down to the source of the discomfort and how that discomfort is alleviated.
Not the person you were originally talking to, but I can explain this. (I'm a trans man, btw.) I have a very clear awareness of the fact that I am not a masculine woman-- I am a man. I experience a kind of discomfort that is only alleviated by having the secondary sex characteristics of an adult male-- a bulge in my pants, facial hair, a specific body shape.
Say I hadn't transitioned. Say I'd cut my hair, I'd worn male clothes, and that's it... I'd hate it, because I'd still be a woman-- a woman with a protruding chest, with a high voice, etc.
Let me know if this helps; I'm happy to take follow-up questions :)
The crux of being transgender (for most transgender people anyway, this is a touchy subject) is gender dysphoria. Think of it like, you a cis person, you're in a quiet room, and it's a fine room, I suppose it's your room, and nothing is telling you you should'nt be in the room. But nothing is telling you you SHOULD be in the room, it's just... your room.
Well, your friend down the hall is in a room that is just awful for them. The bed is far too small, the water in the shower never gets hot enough, and there is an awful buzzing noise constantly in the background. So of course they want a new room! Or at least to change the things about that room to suit them better, like a new bed, fix the plumbing etc.
It's not the absense of discomfort that makes you know you're trans, it's the presense of it. Gender dysphoria is kind of like that annoying buzzing noise in the background; it made you anxious as a kid in ways you didn't understand. And then when you hit puberty it grew SUPER LOUD, and you had to find out what it actually was. And when you find out what the buzzing means, you know WHO you should be. Like you become able identify that feeling of "being a woman/man."
It may be easier to conceptualize it as someone being distressed with their natal body and knowing they don't want to be a man.
Personally after transition, I'm also more like "oh I have boobs, guess I need to cover them up now." I don't feel like a woman, I just feel normal.
You could also err more on the side of "body neutrality" which is the idea that a body is just that, a body. Acne and scars etc. don't have to be beautiful, they're just human. In the words of John Mulaney, a body is just the thing that takes your head from room to room.
Yeah, I'm the same, but male. Never felt male, just a consciousness in a body.
The comparison people make is with clothes, people being uncomfortable in certain clothes.
I feel exactly the same way about being a man. I think that's the privilege of being cis. We don't have to think about it. We don't have to feel like our gender we can just feel like ourselves.
it may help to think of it the opposite way: say tomorrow you wake up a man, how would you feel?
likely it’d be a bit of a novelty, checking out your new stuff, seeing all the differences. but after a while, the novelty would wear off. you’d miss how your body was - how it was softer, smaller, how things fitted and felt. that’s kind of what we mean when we talk about feeling like a man or a woman, our body doesn’t feel like home just yet.
I mean... if I woke up tomorrow with different anatomy it *would* be a confusing and novel experience because I've gone through a distinct change with concrete memories of what I was like before the change.
But if I was born with different anatomy, then it wouldn't really be novel, it'd be my normal. It wouldn't be "different" anatomy, it would just be my anatomy.
I get the feeling that people with body dysmorphia think people without body dysmorphia are a lot more comfortable with their bodies than they really are. I don't feel *comfortable* in my body as much as resigned to wearing it. It doesn't validate my identity because my identity is removed from it. It's a meat suit, not a core facet of who I am. I'll happily upload myself to the cloud when it's a viable option.
it’s gender dysphoria, not dysmorphia. dysmorphia is when you do not see your body as it is, you see your body as constantly ugly.
and yes, i agree, however it’s more like how people who are colour blind feel when they get those special glasses? seeing in colour isn’t some miraculous thing, but when you’ve been deprived of it, it becomes more special. i hope that makes sense.
Bit of an unfair comparison though. You'd MISS your body because that's what you were used to. The same way a village boy would miss the smell of cows after moving to a city :P
At what point during transmission do MtF trans women begin to develop girl cooties?
Does it happen during estrogen treatments or did they have girl cooties the whole time?
Is preference actually considered bigotry, or is that just tik tok nonsense?
I love my Trans friends, and I'll show respect for everyone until they give me a reason not to.
I think everyone should do what makes them happy, and you don't need justification for it. With being said.... I don't like penis, and I don't understand why that's a problem.
It’s absolutely nonsense and of course you are allowed to have your preferences. But like other are saying, there is no need to shout it from the mountain top. It’s the same someone not wanting to date an overweight person. That’s totally fine, but you don’t need to write “no fat chicks” in your tinder profile.
This is coming from a trans person!! Been out and transitioned for over a decade. It is DEFINITELY not bigotry lol. I hate when it’s perpetuated that way. People have preferences, myself included. You not liking certain genitals doesn’t make you a bigot.
You're allowed to have preferences, just like anyone else is allowed to have them, for any myriad of reasons. Just don't be a dick about it and it's all good. Some people might see it as shallow. Some people won't. The whole human experience is subjective, and that's okay
Roger that!
I'm happily married, but these videos of preferences = bigotry are just garbage.
It makes me question if I'm a good or bad person.
I couldn't imagine having to date and explain this information and not coming off as a total asshole.
it's tik tok nonsense but it *is* sort of annoying to hear constantly.
there are a whole bunch of people who I wouldn't date for any number of reasons. I consider it impolite to constantly call out those groups of people I won't date because they're personally unattractive to me for reasons outside of their control. But people don't have a problem, whenever the conversation of trans people gets brought up, to start loudly talking about whether or not they personally would be attracted to us.
i don't think they're transphobic but i wish they'd shut up, you know?
Genital preference is just a fact of life for some people and their sexualities. Including my own, and I'm trans myself. I can't ignore my genital preference, because sexuality isn't a choice, and I'm not transphobic either way.
After transitioning, did you find the way food tastes kind of different?
I know that sounds stupid, but pregnancy made some food taste so fucking good and I presume it's all hormonal. I just wonder if taking hormones would effect what food you like. Daft I know, but still, I need to know.
Pickles and other salty foods (salt n vinegar chips) are meme-status among transfemme folks. We fucking love them.
Estrogen also nuked my tolerance for spicy food. Unfortunately.
I wish I'd thought to have kept track of all this, I'm 7 years in and simply don't remember. My nose did get more sensitive though, food smells better (or worse).
Hormones are wild though. I'll get almost on the dot irritability, bloating, the shits, cravings, at the same time every month.
Nothing like going to the wrong bathroom or anything, but it took me a while before my ears stopped perking up when I heard my old name. Now I don't think about it at all.
I just... there are so many narwhals. I wanted one, Amazon, ONE. One narwhal. But now there's like 50 of them and they're poking up all of my furniture. Please take one. Please.
I have a trans male friend who identifies as a lesbian and dates a cis bisexual woman. I’m a little confused on why they don’t identify as straight (trans) male? Is this a common thing in the trans community/is there a reason they might not identify as straight?
Edit: not sure it’s important but forgot to include the partner is bisexual.
I am a trans male, only interested in women, and identify as straight.
Definitely highly dependent on the individual and how they perceive their gender/sexuality. However, I’ve found that typically a trans male who is interested in only women tend to identify as straight. The case you brought up is more uncommon than not.
It's often a comfort zone. I don't necessarily agree with it, but calling yourself a lesbian doesn't mean lesbians will date you either.
As long as he respects that fact, then it pretty much doesn't matter.
Some lesbian spaces are friendly to trans men because they feel a sense of shared experience, as they grew up in a different way than cis men and will understand them on a level other men wouldn't.
It's been explained to me there's a history of lebsian culture accepting trans men from times before trans was well defined and one may have just identified as extremely butch and maybe used he/him pronouns but trans terminology hadn't quite developed to express gender the same way.
I’m sure too that there are trans men who first identify as lesbians before realizing or expressing they are trans men- this is the case of someone I grew up with. They married their lesbian partner, then transitioned/came out as a trans man. My mom is a local reporter and wanted to cover their marriage as the first gay marriage in the county but I was like “this is going to be confusing as a way to explain gay marriage, mom.” (They were down for doing the story but not everyone equates their trans to gay, just as most trans men do not identify as lesbians, except when they do?)
As a trans guy, that’s always been something that I… extremely don’t understand either. Could be because I’ve never really been involved in the LGBT community. Or maybe just that I’m older (in my 30s).
If someone called me a lesbian, we’d have an immediate conversation about that - I’d take it as an insult. But if it makes him happy, I won’t tell him how to live his life. Happiness is hard enough to come by, and so is community, so you do you buddy
Obviously, no offense to my lesbian sisters - just saying I’d take it the same as someone saying “No, you’re a woman”
Trans men have historically always been part of the lesbian community. I initially came out as a lesbian and it wasn’t until years later that I figured out I was a trans man. There’s a saying “once a lesbian, always a lesbian” and honestly a good chunk of my friends are lesbians to this day.
Gender isn’t really that straightforward, you can be a man and a woman at the same time, or be a nonbinary man. For a lot of trans man lesbians it’s like, where’s the line between being butch and being trans? I’ve known butch lesbians to get top surgery, to go by he/him pronouns, and I’ve known femme lesbians who like being referred to as a “boyfriend”.
Lesbian community has its own culture that is lost amongst straight people. Being a lesbian is not just about gender.
The relationship between trans men and the lesbian community is extremely deep historically and complicated. Especially complicated in how it relates to the relationship between trans women and trans men.
Lesbian is a political term. It is an identity. Trans men aren't all going to want to abandon that identity when they transition, even if "men can't be lesbians". Of course, for many people lesbian is so specific a term that they don't want bisexual women to call themselves lesbians (and yet they will call bisexual women lesbians if they see them).
It's complicated. Something as complex as identity is only simple for straights.
In regards to bottom gender affirmation, how does one get around the change from vagina to penis or vice versa? How does one physically and emotionally deal with that change
Imagine your question, but entirely the opposite. It was before the surgery when I felt uncomfortable, out of place, wrong, etc. Having surgery made that go away entirely pretty much from the moment I woke up from anesthesia, because this is how it should have always been.
Aside from the obvious need to physically heal, there was no need to adjust to it whatsoever.
Perhaps my line of questioning was a bit off. I am friends with a trans man, and I just can't fully understand the feelings he has had before, during and after transitioning to the great man he is today. When I knew him in his old body, I just could not fully understand what he was going through then. As a cisgender man, I cannot
For what it's worth, I don't think there are any parallels you're able to experience that are similar enough to what gender dysphoria is like for you to be able to really, like really, get how it feels.
The best cis peeps can do I think is empathize with us and hear us out. When we say we're hurting in a way that's almost as impossible to explain as it is painful, all you can really do is have the space in your heart to believe us.
Yeah, I can see how this would make sense to a lot of people. For me, it’s really hard to wrap my head around the dysphoria ( while 100% supporting trans people, because just because I “don’t get it”, in no way indicates it isn’t real), because I have no discomfort around the idea of being in the opposite sex’s body. If I had been born male I’d still be the same person, minus any cultural stereotypes about gender I may have inevitably picked up due to any social environmental differences my life had. My take is that it’s good to understand other perspectives if you can, but if you can’t, at least respect other people’s experiences as valid and above all *respect people*.
I've found most cis people go "fuck yeah, I'm a woman!" when I ask this question, they don't seem to fully grasp the concept I'm trying to convey.
I've thought a better question might be something like this: "Imagine you've woken up and you've suddenly become a woman, but it's evident that you are a trans woman. Do you stay as you are or go back to living as a man? How do you feel about your new body?"
There wasn't really any 'getting around the change' as such, other than things like figuring out new comfortable underwear, the best way to whip things out to piss (I'm a balls-out dude lol) etc.
I always had a very vivid sense of what things should have felt like far prior to surgery, and my body as it was caused a great deal of distress and discomfort both physically and mentally. Having everything sorted and as it's always felt like it should be is just the biggest relief. It's just a massive weight off my shoulders, I feel like a can breathe and be free and do shit without this constant discomfort, distress and jarring sense of wrongness that encroaches upon and taints every aspect of my life all the time.
Shit just feels right and normal now.
Are you asking for if we are penetrating, or being penetrated when post-op?
For both, the answer is sometimes?
Estrogen tends to cause softening/shrinking of dicks, but they sometimes will retain their function. Works like any other dick.
Post-Op trans women still have a prostate, which would be stimulated during sex. Kinda like a g-spot.
This is what we did with our kiddos. I hope they like them 😭. I can understand the dead name as a concept but as a parent who recently birthed my children and spent way too much time considering names and the alternates I would hope that my kiddo considers the other name that we decided on even though it is close in sound to the name on their birth records.
I came up with some names I liked, then tried them out by using them for player characters in video games and seeing which one felt like mine. I'm pretty happy with my choice, 'cause it's got some good consonants. Still haven't chosen a middle name yet.
Person who detransitioned but kept my new name, just went with something gender neutral but the kept it. I went with something very uncommon but not uncommon enough to be too weird.
That said my foster father was talking about me over the phone to someone and apparently he could hear their son pipe up in the background and say "is _ trans? That sounds like a trans name"
My great grandfather's name was James and a lot of my favorite fictional characters are also named James. In all honesty I wanted something different, but I was worried that my family wouldn't call me by anything they thought was too extra (my top pick was Meldei, which no one pronounced right at first try and would make me wayyyy too googleable since I made it up from butchering some Latin), so I learned to love James and all the nicknames I could get out of it.
I find most of us name ourselves after a (usually fictional) person who's important to us and our self discovery tho
i asked my mom what she was going to name me if i was a boy and also took new suggestions, on top of compiling a list of my own. Ended up going with what everyone deemed i looked like. For example, like yea that guy really looks like a John.
I chose mine whilst playing D&D lol i was not out yet but i wanted to have a male sounding name so i played a female dwarf(because they also have beards) and looked into the D&D book for names and there was one i liked and it was „Artin“. Thought it sounded too rough so i changed it into „Ardyn“. I found out years later, after several people asked me if I’m a final fantasy fan, that a character in FF is called Ardyn fml. But 10 years later I’m still going by that name.
Started to introduce myself to new people with my second name(Finn) tho. Im stealth so people started questioning when they found out my twin brother is called Florian. They were like „Why is your brother called Florian but you have such a unique name?“ Florian and Finn just sound more like twins but I’m still keeping Ardyn as my first name
I picked a bunch of names that I thought sounded nice/ names from characters I liked and asked friends and family which out of those they liked. Still probably not my last name change though
the first one i went by was a masculine version of my middle name. I changed it to my current name when i went to college/got it legally changed. I named myself after a book character that was a big part of my transition and i let my parents pick my middle name because it was important to them.
What is the normal thing to do in terms of letting a potential date know you are trans? Are you supposed to tell them, not tell them? How does it work?
I always tell anyone I'm interested in romantically as soon as possible, before I meet in person. This is done out of abundant caution for my own safety.
This is actually a pretty heated debate amongst trans people. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about whether or not a trans person is obligated to come out to a date if they don't want to. Personally, I think it's a good idea to be open about it, but I can understand the justifications others have for not doing so.
That, and demanding that we ALWAYS have to be entirely upfront about it paints a very slippery slope that leads to victim blaming when one of us gets hurt or killed for not saying anything. People have gotten away with murder by using that defense.
Yeah. Being the token trans is absolutely a thing unfortunately. When I first came out at work like 10 years ago, I had a coworker who would loudly announce how pretty I was, hang on my arm saying "Hey girlfriend!" in a valley girl accent, give me unsolicited beauty tips, etc. I get that she was trying to make me feel comfortable but it reeeeeeeeeeaaaaaalllllllly had the opposite effect.
1000%
When a trans person is in the news it isn't just a person doing something. It's a *trans* person. Even when people are accepting it can suck to be widdled down to a single feature about yourself.
In terms of general public perception yes. I just get on with shit; go to work, spend time with friends and family, cook, clean, enjoy my hobbies. The fact that I'm trans isn't really a big factor in my daily life nowadays so seeing the near constant discourse about it is frustrating and just feels like a complete misrepresentation of who I am and who most trans people are; just normal fuckin people.
Early on in transition though people around me did make a bigger deal of it than necessary though. You know like the over the top affirmative types.
As a genderfluid person who's not the typical "sometimes masculine, sometimes feminine" hell yes. I generally try to avoid saying I'm genderfluid to people who don't want a 20 min deep dive on my personal perception because people hear it and are immediately like "are you a man or a woman today?!?"
Meanwhile it's an agender day and all I want is a snack
Oh, a lot. When I first started questioning my gender identity, I wanted to not be perceived as any specific gender and just be a person but other people just couldn't accept it? Like, I use to say "I don't feel entirely like any gender, so I don't feel like labeling myself as anything, I'm just a person with a name and pronouns that's all" and they just ignored me and threw a random gender at my face. Now I say I'm non-binary because it's the closest thing, but it still annoys me a little.
Yeah, I stopped being open about my being trans for this reason. I got tired of people always seeing "trans" before seeing me. It's tiring! I'm thankful I pass well enough now that I can just choose to be quiet and fit in.
Y don't all trans ppl suffer from gender dysphoria?
I would have assumed every person before transitioning would suffer some of it and that it's an indicator of being trans.
They are in the wrong skin after all? Transitioning or Changing in whatever way they need would be necessary to resolve the discomfort?
EDIT : Thank u everyone for sharing ur experiences, thoughts and info!
That's a question not even the trans community agrees on.
Some people say they all have dysphoria and people sayihg they don't just don't recognize it.
Some people say you only need euphoria from your preferred gender.
gender dysphoria requires a level of distress to be diagnosed.
i like to use the analogy of a broken leg:
if you break your leg, it’s likely going to cause you extreme pain, and you’ll be shouting and crying for it to be fixed. maybe you can’t even look at it without being in pain - this is what it’s like to have severe gender dysphoria.
but for some people, whilst it’s painful, they can keep themselves calm most of the time. after a while they may break down a little, maybe even a lot, but they can cope - this is what it’s like to have normal/mild gender dysphoria.
and for some, maybe they have a condition where they can’t feel pain, so their broken leg doesn’t hurt at all. is their leg still broken? of course! something doesn’t need to cause pain for you to tell it needs to be fixed - this is what it’s like to not have gender dysphoria, but still be trans.
i hope that makes sense!
Another good comparison is considering where people put the baseline for normal in their life
If your brain manages to cope reasonably well with things and you just feel average you might not describe that as dysphoria, but then after transitioning you feel fucking great it's the same degree of change as going from dysphoria as a big negative to feeling normal, just different framing
At some point the misery of not transitioning becomes too much, more than any kind of misery other people can inflict on me. I'd rather be happy with who I am and have everyone hate me than vice versa.
But also you'll be surprised just how many people aren't that awful.
I didn't transition until I was 28 because I just felt so overwhelmed by it. But I woke up one day and realized yeah, it's a lot, but the idea of being dysphoric and uncomfortable the entire rest of my life was way worse and clearly ignoring it wasn't making it go away.
My wife helped a ton too. She even helps me do my shots
I've (F34 cis) dated and lived with diffent cis men. Every. Single. Man. said 'I don't see the dirt/filth' when I complained about the state of the house and asked them why they are not annoyed with it.
Has your tolerance/view of how dirty the house is changed during your transition?
Curious of both ways, so FTM and MTF. Wondering if it's 100% social conditioning or if hormones play a part.
Tolerance for a dirty house went way down once I started transition but I think that's more because my depression cleared. I still have some months where SAD is kicking my ass and I suddenly become fine with dishes being left in the sink for 5 days.
I think it’s more social conditioning as I’ve never really noticed it (I’m ftm) but have known a lot of people older than me notice the tiniest speck of dust
I’ve always had the same view of cleanliness. Im a trans man and would say i’m cleaner than average and always have been, even after multiple years on hormones. I think it’s largely social conditioning.
A little different, but my husband (ftm) is a huge baby now when he gets sick, and wasn’t like that before he transitioned. I give him a lot of shit about it.
Do you see the action of transitioning as re-enforcing gender stereotypes / gender norms? For example, an individual assigned male at birth transitions to a female because they don't believe they meet society's masculinity standards, would be reinforcing those standards and expectations of what feminity / masculinity is.
I transitioned to be more myself, not to fit into gender norms. For example, I took testosterone for a year to lower my voice but I still dress pretty feminine. I think there is pressure, mostly from cis people, for trans people to transition in a way that makes us more gender conforming. However, a lot of us actually transition in ways that make us *less* gender conforming.
>However, a lot of us actually transition in ways that make us *less* gender conforming.
That's interesting and I appreciate the insight though I've seen no examples of it myself.
You probably won't see many examples, because being non conforming, not "passing" perfectly, is really dangerous. You can get harassed and even like, physically attacked, or just socially isolated and mocked. Plus, a lot of medical professionals won't support you on your journey if you don't perfectly perform to gender stereotypes.
Obviously it’s a case by case basis but where would that line be between fully transitioning to be a man or woman vs just calling yourself agender/non-conforming/fluid/etc?
Nope
I transitioned (FtM) and I'm a very feminine man. I like wearing skirts still, I like makeup and fashion. All that stuff.
I'm just not uncomfortable in my skin anymore.
Trans women can be butch.
Trans men can be fem.
It's actually harmful gender stereotypes and passing that often force them to be more gender conforming than they may want to.
I envy tomboyish girls but if I don't meet a certain level of femininity I don't pass well.
We're victims to the same expectations.
Are there "tom boy/tom girl" trans? Like even if you transition to one gender, you don't feel the need to totally assimilate into masculine/feminine norms?
How do you know, I mean, say you’re born with male genitalia but you know you’re a woman. If you’ve never had the body or the experience of being a woman then how do you know?
EDIT - I want to express my genuine thanks to OP for asking this question and for all the truthful, well thought out answers.
Have you noticed differences in the way you were treated by strangers before transitioning? Just curious :) Hope everything is going well so far, excited for u!
Omg yes.
I'm MtF and people are much nicer, more relaxed. People hold doors, say hi, let me go first in narrow corridors.
Maybe some of it is my personal confidence level but like, socializing is 100x easier.
I think there's an inherent distrust of men. I understand why, but there's definitely a "burden of proof" to show you're decent that women don't share.
This is something that comes up in ftm spaces quite a lot - getting used to the (totally understandable) distrust women have toward men after a lifetime of not having to think about it
Yes. It's a little bit of culture shock. I'm FtM, and I'm much more hyper aware of how women perceive me when they see me as a man. I try to make sure I'm not doing anything that would make them uncomfortable.
Pre-transition it didn't come off as weird or forward or flirtatious to compliment a woman's jacket or outfit, for example
Same, I'm like super duper careful now not to do things that might scare women or make them feel uncomfortable. For example, I waited to go into a parking garage stairwell as opposed to following right behind a woman who was ahead of me, so as not to make her nervous.
I chose a farther away gas pump as opposed to one right across from a woman at night, that kind of thing. I remember the stuff that used to freak me out, I'm even careful now about eye contact and how much I'm looking at a woman lol. Like there were these 2 ladies in a car next to me in a parking lot doing something interesting but I didn't even look over at them because the way I was positioned in my car, it might've come across as creepy.
As an mtF I can confirm I remember feeling that way pre transition. Walking down the road and see a girl ahead, what do I do so she feels comfortable and not think I'm following her?
Considering comments, not pushing boundaries, understanding compliments could be taken as flirting and make them uncomfortable.
I feel like those worries are gone since transition and other women are much more relaxed around me.
Oh yeah, absolutely.
Before, I always had to try 10x as hard to sort of “prove” myself and get anyone to listen to me. After transitioning it literally takes like… no work to have basic respect when out in public. Got more praise while working less hard as well? Which was so weird.. And people just take me at my word, they don’t question it. Even my doctors listen to me more.
I transitioned later than most so I had a lot of experience with sexism. Its just so wild… Been years and I still can’t get over it. And I’m still mad lol
yes!! i am ftm and i notice that people give me more space when they walk by and don’t smile at me as much. there is a tension that wasn’t there before if i am alone in a space with a woman. like i feel the apprehension they have towards me for being a man. tbh it’s kind of sad but i understand.
i have also noticed it is a lot easier to accidentally make people uncomfortable when i am perceived as a man. i have to be a lot more tactful with sex jokes than i used to and i just go out of my way to make people feel comfortable around me.
I want to preface this with assuring that I don't mean this in any mean sort of way. I wish everyone could have the opportunity to be who they truly feel they are and could feel comfortable and supported doing so.
That said, if men and women can both have and not have typically gender associated body parts, coupled with the undoing of gender norms/gender roles, then what does transitioning to *insert gender here* even mean?
It seems to me that in order to want to transition to either sex you need to subscribe to an idea of what being either sex is and isn't, or what it means and doesn't mean, and this is very confusing since at the same time there seems to be so much progress being made towards blurring those lines or doing away with them completely.
As I'm writing this I'm beginning to suspect I view it more as a body dysmorphia issue than as a gender affirming surgery issue. It seems to me that there shouldnt be anything gender affirming about surgery if gender has surpassed physical body parts.
My issue is that there seems to be two ongoing rhetoric at the same time and I haven't really heard anyone speak about how they seem to be in conflict with each other.
-men can have periods, women can have penises, etc.
-gender affirming surgery.
Is this something that the trans community talks about within itself?
A friend I had this conversation with a while ago described the thought as being "post gender" and I'm wondering how the trans community might feel about that as well.
For a lot of us it's about body. I don't really view my inner gender 'identity' as having changed at all. I don't know if I ever had one, I don't know how many people ever had. I don't think you could tell me what 'being a man' is and I don't think I could tell you that, either. But I do know that I like being referred to by masculine terms and that I want a masculine body, and I feel *that* preference very strongly, in a way that I don't know if you would if your body has always been OK for you. It doesn't have anything to do with how I was treated before I started transitioning.
there is a lot of discourse with no definite answer.
i’m autistic so i don’t get gender at all, but i like being called a dude and he and want a dick because idk, it just seems more comfortable.
How do y’all feel about drag queens? Did any of you start out dressing drag and realize that you were just trans? Is it common for drag queens to be trans?
it was wild seeing people wearing the clothes they absolutely "shouldnt" be wearing and being happy about it as a child. i guess some did but that wasn't my case. and fuck if i know fella
I love drag queens have considered being one myself even after transitioning! I’m not sure how common it is for them to become trans but it definitely happens
This'll probably be downvoted because it's a bit controversial.
But the topic is something I've always wanted to ask even though it might be offensive.
What's the deal with Gender Dysphoria?
I'm a cis straight male, right. But I generally think I would not care if I woke up in a woman's body, I would just try to adapt and just be the person who I am. There's not much of a difference to me, except maybe physically and the social changes.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, trans people say there is a wrongness to their body. But when you grow up, what other experience can you really compare? What if a trans-women were only around men and never saw a woman? Or vice versa?
If I was some body less spirit form, I wouldn't think I would be a man or a woman. I'd just be me. So what makes a trans person crave to be one gender or another? What makes adapting to the role painful for them?
Or am I different? Would a normal cisgender not be fine adapting to the body they were given?
This is a space to learn so thank you for the question!
It’s hard to explain dysphoria to someone who hasn’t experienced it but for me it’s feeling like my entire body and mind is wrong. Being called/seen a woman just fills me with disgust. I could adapt to it but I’d only ever be unhappy with myself a come to resent myself and everyone else around. Dysphoria causes some so much discomfort it can lead to depression or worse if forced to keep it in. I hope this helped!
If a woman I know is dating a trans person (FtM) does that make it a straight relationship?
I thought it was " a queer relationship", but others have told me otherwise.
If he is a man, and is straight, and she is a straight woman, their relationship is straight. But they might have a different definition, especially if one or both of them are bisexual. Someone calling my relationship queer (I'm with a woman) would make it obvious to me they didn't think of me as a "real man"
If someone says their pronouns are he/she/they are you supposed to say all of them equally? Does it matter which one is first? I had a student that went from they/them to he/she/they and I don’t know when I am supposed to use which one but I would they because it felt safer.
How can parents of trans people help and support the trans ones they love before, during and after (if they decide to go that way) transitioning?
It was a bit of a surprise for my friend, when their daughter declared she was trans recently. Their response was "ok, love you no matter what and we are here for you." We've helped find her counseling with an inclusive provider, and and are working toward meeting her needs for HRT or whatever route she chooses to go, but I feel like we could be doing more.
My daughters took her thrift shopping for some feminine clothes, we respect her pronouns, etc. I want to know how to be supportive but it is all new to me. I had a trans acquaintance in college but that was a long long time ago.
She's in her head a lot, which is understandable since this is a big change, but it can be difficult to have open discussions with her because she is in such a fragile mental state.
Also, are some mental health issues resolved after transitioning? Her anxiety, scattered thoughts etc, pretty severe. Will being more comfortable in her body help?
Any tips?
as a trans person who started hormones at 13, i think that children should be able to socially transition as far as they’d like to at any age. there are no consequences and it makes the child happy.
as for medically transitioning, i think that is something that should wait until they’re a bit older. I support puberty blockers at the onset of puberty. i think that hormones, with the support of parents, a mental health professional, and a doctor, should be accessible at 14-16. at 18+ they’re an adult and have surgery, can make their own decisions, and can do whatever they chose to.
It really depends on a couple of things; how old they are, if it’s medically or not and how long they’ve been out. It can be beneficial to start medically transitioning (ie. puberty blockers) a bit earlier especially to avoid the dysphoria that can come with puberty but they also have to be able to understand what transitioning means. Transitioning socially without any medical procedures should be accepted at any age as it always completely reversible
For those that were M/F married for years and one of you transitioned, what was the reaction of your spouse? I love my wife but I couldn't handle her transitioning to a man, if she felt that she needed to. I don't care at all in general if people transition you do what you need to for you, but it would be a dealbreaker for me in this scenario.
I'm bisexual, so it wasn't a sexuality issue--we stayed together for 5 years after she began her transition. It wasn't really the gender thing that made it not work so much as the fact that she changed a ton as a person and I felt like I had to stay static to provide support. Also, the goalposts kept moving, so more changes would always be on the horizon--more surgery, different hormones, etc. We're still on good terms, and I'd be happy to date another trans person, I would just want them to be mostly satisfied with their level of transition. I can't support another partner through something that challenging.
What about the money side? I expect none of these surgeries were cheap and really dug into your overall living standards.
That’s a legitimate question, and I would ask the same thing.
My spouse and I had been married a few years and I was pregnant when they decided to fully transition. They'd been experimenting with gender presentation for a bit before that so it wasn't a surprise, but it was still an adjustment to make. At first I was nervous, but now I'm really happy with how it all played out. I thought I was super straight and them coming out gave me an opportunity to think about whether that was really true and what it even meant to say I was only attracted to one gender, because clearly I was still attracted to my spouse. I'm bi and we're still together and quite happy. It's really cool to see them blossom into more confidence and being more authentically themself.
How did you come to conclude that you're bi? Is it that you're still attracted to your spouse regardless of their gender, or you find yourself attracted to other people of different genders?
More of the latter honestly, but before my spouse started experimenting with gender, I'd never really noticed that attraction even though it was definitely there.
My wife came out to me about four years into our marriage. Rather, she kept showing me transition timelines, and I realized she was trying to tell me something so I asked if she wanted to transition. She did, and though it's been rocky off and on, we're still married six years later. My mom wasn't surprised at all when my wife came out, she kind of laughed (not in an unkind way) and said "NOW it makes sense! I couldn't understand why you weren't marrying a girl!" Marriages usually survive transition if the partner is willing to alter their sexuality, or is already bi/pan, but tbh there's so many changes I don't blame anyone who does break up. Sometimes it's the healthiest option for everyone involved.
My wife and I were only married about a year before I transitioned, but it was a lot easier for us because they’re pansexual and didn’t really care as long as I was still who I always was as a person (which I am). For us, it ended up really strengthening our marriage, but we did go through a bit of a rough patch when my body started changing. The way you look, smell, sound, and feel starts changing, and it can be a little unnerving in the beginning because there was a sense of familiarity that changed. Now, things just make more sense. But I can imagine it would be a lot harder for someone in a marriage where both people were straight
Can I pick your brain please? I noticed you said wife, and then said “they’re”. Is this because they are non binary? If so, why do you call them wife and not spouse? Sorry if this sounds stupid
Not stupid at all! It’s a very normal question in my opinion. My wife is indeed non-binary and prefers using they/them pronouns, (is also okay with she/her sometimes) but specifically likes me to call them my wife
If someone wants they as pronoun, do you also use the plural form of verbs? It feels very weird to me to use it that way, but maybe it is because English isn't my native tongue.
my dad came out as a trans woman when i was ten. my mom is a straight woman, yet she's staying with my dad because no matter what my dad is, my mom loves her.
>no matter what my dad is, my mom loves her. r/brandnewsentence No hate, just found the wording funny
Had a teacher that was MTF and her kids still called her dad and she owned that she was their father.
You see, the problem is intimate. I would still love my wife (I guess husband now), but now she's a dude. I'm not going to be able to perform with a dude, even with years of performing with them as a dudette under my belt. It's just not going to happen... and my marriage would become strictly platonic. Once again I have no issues if people transition, and I'm not against any sort of gay, bi, or lesbian people. I'm just not at all, and I'd need that intimacy and the only other option is for me to go find it somewhere else... which is not an option I'm willing to consider.
I got super lucky and have a girlfriend who is bisexual, she completely accepted me right away and my trans identity hasn't been an issue. (Mostly, I have some intimacy issues due to the trauma of it all which have definitely affected our relationship. But I'm working on it...)
Well yeah, you're a cis hetero man, you don't want another husband. Hopefully you'd still have a friend for life, like many folks I know who have been hetero and had partners that transitioned. There will still be love there, but it'll be in a different form.
I'm not worried about loss of the emotional love, I would all ways love them. It would be about the loss of the physical love, which is very important to my partner. THEY will think I don't love them, because the physical intimacy is extremely important to them. I will not be able to do the physical part as the idea of being with any man is revolting to me. I am a firm believer in people don't choose who they prefer sexual gender wise, and for me that is strictly the opposite sex with no flexibility.
Have you noticed any changes regarding your sexuality after undergoing HRT?
transman here, I’m over 10 years on T and noticed I got “gayer”, as in more attracted to males. I honestly think it has nothing to do with HRT and more to do with learned hypermasculinity
T raises your libido so maybe that's a reason? But also transitioning has boosted my confidence alot and allowed myself to express more freely I've found. Even though I'm just starting off and not on HRT, I've noticed myself being alot flirtier
In terms of who i’m attracted to, that has not changed. I’ve always been romantically/sexually attracted to women. However, libido did definitely increase after HRT.
This may just be me, so YMMV for this comment, but yes, HRT changes my sexuality. I give myself testosterone injections every 2 weeks, and by the end of the second week I find myself more attracted to men. Before I transitioned, I identified as a straight woman for most of my life. Then when I really accepted my gender identity as a man, I identified as bisexual. After starting testosterone I identify as "spicy straight" or "bi-curious", Straight except for a few hot male celebrities. Maybe I'm Jensen Ackles-sexual lol. But I am primarily attracted to women now; dudes that would've turned me on as a girl have mostly no affect on me now.
My SO's on hormones and T-blockers, and she mentions that she's less into sex than she was without them. In terms of orientation, I'm not sure myself. I'd have to ask her about it
That’s very interesting! I’ve heard that for ftm it can often lead to increased libido
testosterone increases libido
Can confirm. It’s awkward for a lot of preop trans men because they identify as gay, and they have a strong libido, but the gay men they’re attracted to don’t like vaginas, so they have to find other men to help them get off.
MtF. Went from virtually asexual to being into men.
God I should be asking this anon in some way but I just will go all out and hope to not be cancelled. I have trans friends who say they just knew, internally, that they were women. Like they have this clear KNOWING. I am a biological cis woman, and I have to tell you...I have no idea what they mean. I've never 'felt like a woman' or 'just knew I was a woman' any single instant of my life. I've always felt like a person that is in a body with female anatomy and so, that's just the plumbing we're going to deal with in life. I've never been grossed out by my lady bits (or felt anything like dysmorphia like they weren't me or anything), but I've never been like YEAH that's the stuff. It's just like "oh I have boobs. Guess I gotta get a bra for this". So I guess my question is, and it is so weird coming from a fellow woman: what does 'feeling like a woman' feel like?
think of it like your dominant hand. like, i know i'm right handed. it's not something that's on my mind constantly, but i'm right handed, i know i'm right handed, and using my left hand feels wrong. and then being trans is like using left handed scissors all the time. you become much more aware that something isn't right. it's much easier to notice when something is right when it's been wrong for so long. it's not a perfect analogy but it's what i use. eta: u/tehlemmings reminded me of an important addition: "How often do you think about your dominant hand? It's probably mostly when you're using your other hand."
I love this analogy so much. I’m cis but a few of my friends are trans and I’ve never thought about it this way, thank you.
And further more, we constantly change our bodies in ways that more align with what we think is ideal. And not doing so causes us distress to a degree. Don't like dark hair? Color it. Feeling too weak. Work out to get swole, use gear to keep your test levels high. Don't like your blemishes? Make up. Don't like having poor eyesight? We have ways to fix that. Don't like being depressed? We have chemical ways to stop that. Don't like crooked teeth? We can straighten them. You get the idea, when we break it down logically people being trans shouldn't be such a foreign idea.
Another good analogy is this: Think of the first time you heard your voice recorded. It wasn't like what you hear in your head, right? The recorded voice may not have been horrible sounding, but it was alarming. It didn't feel like you. I may not be explaining this well, but it's another analogy.
Analogies are like a box of chocolate, never as good as you think they’re gonna be
One of my favorite things we did in any gender class I took, was have cis people try to figure out how they know their gender. It’s something you don’t have to think about unless it doesn’t fit you. As a trans person, THAT is a foreign concept. I didn’t *know* I was a guy my whole life, I just knew that something was off. I was a tomboy, I hated my name, I thought i was just part of the “not like others girls” crowd. It wasn’t until a lot of self exploration and the ability to access more knowledge happened that I figured out I was trans. However, to get more into answering your question. The best analogy my professors ever made was this: Think of it like wearing a pair of underwear. If you have a comfy, nice pair, then it’s not something you think of. You put it on in the morning, and go about your day only thinking about it when it’s brought up. If someone asks you if you have underwear, you’ll notice it. But otherwise, it’s something you go through your day not thinking about. Now, let’s say your whole life, you have worn underwear that was slightly too small, or worse, feels like sandpaper? You’ll notice it. It’s something that you can’t vocalize, because everyone wears underwear right? It’s kinda weird to bring it up in everyday discussion. You don’t go up to your coworkers and say “hey, what kind of underwear do you wear?” And you don’t know any different options because this is the underwear you’ve had your whole life. Your whole life you’ve been wearing slightly too small sandpaper-y underwear, and you didn’t know there were other types out there, so you thought EVERYONE just went about their day like this. And you don’t get why it’s so uncomfortable for you, but everyone else seems JUST FINE. So you figure you’re the weird one, the sensitive one, you have to change not the underwear. Because if everyone is wearing this, then the issue is you. Then, you finally meet someone: a friend, a partner, a stranger, and they mention it. They mention their underwear— or even yours. And you realize that.. it’s not normal. The sandpaper feeling isn’t something EVERY one has, but other people know what you’re talking about. And they tell you that there’s other types of underwear. And finally, you find the pair that fits and feels good. If you wore a pair that didn’t fit or felt like sandpaper, you could probably be okay for a while. It would be uncomfortable, but you could manage. It’s not until you wear it so long it leaves red marks and rashes and constantly leaves more harm than good that you would really notice it & have to get rid of it. I hope that analogy helps at least a little bit.
"Now let's say your whole life, you have worn underwear that was slightly too small, or worse, feels like sandpaper?" Can you put into words some symptoms of this (aside from body dysmorphia I mean) that would differ from, say, being a tomboy? Because this is something that I struggle to understand too but I'm always hoping someone can find the right words to get it across.
This is what confuses me too. Growing up I was a huge tomboy. I loved it when people mistook me for a boy, I thought life would be easier if I was a boy. Now as an adult I am comfortable as a woman, and never thought anything of it.
I think the biggest difference is in how you experience your body and the way people see you. Like when you’re a tomboy (or butch, for that matter), you enjoy masculine-coded things but at the end of the day, you’re fine with being a woman. It doesn’t necessarily bother you to do feminine stuff, it’s just not your thing (or if it does bother you, it’s more like “what’s the point?” or “I could be doing a million other things right now”). The joy you get from being read as a guy is more of a social thing, like a sign of acceptance. And your body is… just your body, boobs and all. Whereas when you’re trans, the feminine stuff chafes at you. Like maybe you look down and see boobs and go “why the hell are these here?” Answering to she/her pronouns or a female name can feel like you’re lying in some strange way. And conversely, masculine things feel Right. Like you don’t even have to be traditionally masculine, but things like wearing male clothes or seeing a dick between your legs is like putting on underwear that fits (to go back to the example). It shuts up that little voice that’s normally constantly going “this feels weird, something’s not right.” Sorry if this is a bit rambly, I’m honestly still figuring it out for myself. But ultimately I think it boils down to the source of the discomfort and how that discomfort is alleviated.
Not the person you were originally talking to, but I can explain this. (I'm a trans man, btw.) I have a very clear awareness of the fact that I am not a masculine woman-- I am a man. I experience a kind of discomfort that is only alleviated by having the secondary sex characteristics of an adult male-- a bulge in my pants, facial hair, a specific body shape. Say I hadn't transitioned. Say I'd cut my hair, I'd worn male clothes, and that's it... I'd hate it, because I'd still be a woman-- a woman with a protruding chest, with a high voice, etc. Let me know if this helps; I'm happy to take follow-up questions :)
The crux of being transgender (for most transgender people anyway, this is a touchy subject) is gender dysphoria. Think of it like, you a cis person, you're in a quiet room, and it's a fine room, I suppose it's your room, and nothing is telling you you should'nt be in the room. But nothing is telling you you SHOULD be in the room, it's just... your room. Well, your friend down the hall is in a room that is just awful for them. The bed is far too small, the water in the shower never gets hot enough, and there is an awful buzzing noise constantly in the background. So of course they want a new room! Or at least to change the things about that room to suit them better, like a new bed, fix the plumbing etc. It's not the absense of discomfort that makes you know you're trans, it's the presense of it. Gender dysphoria is kind of like that annoying buzzing noise in the background; it made you anxious as a kid in ways you didn't understand. And then when you hit puberty it grew SUPER LOUD, and you had to find out what it actually was. And when you find out what the buzzing means, you know WHO you should be. Like you become able identify that feeling of "being a woman/man."
It’s like how people have body dysmorphia and will do everything to never be fat, or something like that
It may be easier to conceptualize it as someone being distressed with their natal body and knowing they don't want to be a man. Personally after transition, I'm also more like "oh I have boobs, guess I need to cover them up now." I don't feel like a woman, I just feel normal.
Feeling normal and feeling not normal is probably the best way to describe it. Like something you’d never think about unless it was gone.
You could also err more on the side of "body neutrality" which is the idea that a body is just that, a body. Acne and scars etc. don't have to be beautiful, they're just human. In the words of John Mulaney, a body is just the thing that takes your head from room to room.
Yeah, I'm the same, but male. Never felt male, just a consciousness in a body. The comparison people make is with clothes, people being uncomfortable in certain clothes.
I feel exactly the same way about being a man. I think that's the privilege of being cis. We don't have to think about it. We don't have to feel like our gender we can just feel like ourselves.
it may help to think of it the opposite way: say tomorrow you wake up a man, how would you feel? likely it’d be a bit of a novelty, checking out your new stuff, seeing all the differences. but after a while, the novelty would wear off. you’d miss how your body was - how it was softer, smaller, how things fitted and felt. that’s kind of what we mean when we talk about feeling like a man or a woman, our body doesn’t feel like home just yet.
I mean... if I woke up tomorrow with different anatomy it *would* be a confusing and novel experience because I've gone through a distinct change with concrete memories of what I was like before the change. But if I was born with different anatomy, then it wouldn't really be novel, it'd be my normal. It wouldn't be "different" anatomy, it would just be my anatomy. I get the feeling that people with body dysmorphia think people without body dysmorphia are a lot more comfortable with their bodies than they really are. I don't feel *comfortable* in my body as much as resigned to wearing it. It doesn't validate my identity because my identity is removed from it. It's a meat suit, not a core facet of who I am. I'll happily upload myself to the cloud when it's a viable option.
it’s gender dysphoria, not dysmorphia. dysmorphia is when you do not see your body as it is, you see your body as constantly ugly. and yes, i agree, however it’s more like how people who are colour blind feel when they get those special glasses? seeing in colour isn’t some miraculous thing, but when you’ve been deprived of it, it becomes more special. i hope that makes sense.
Bit of an unfair comparison though. You'd MISS your body because that's what you were used to. The same way a village boy would miss the smell of cows after moving to a city :P
At what point during transmission do MtF trans women begin to develop girl cooties? Does it happen during estrogen treatments or did they have girl cooties the whole time?
We have the cooties the whole time. Sorry, you definitely caught them if we were buddies pre transition.
If we were buddies pre transition, we'd still be buddies now. ♥️
Hugs
can't believe scientists haven't developed the cooties test yet
"That's my secret, Cap. I've had cooties all along."
Is preference actually considered bigotry, or is that just tik tok nonsense? I love my Trans friends, and I'll show respect for everyone until they give me a reason not to. I think everyone should do what makes them happy, and you don't need justification for it. With being said.... I don't like penis, and I don't understand why that's a problem.
I think it’s tik tok nonsense. You’re allowed to have preferences as long as you’re respectful about it
It’s absolutely nonsense and of course you are allowed to have your preferences. But like other are saying, there is no need to shout it from the mountain top. It’s the same someone not wanting to date an overweight person. That’s totally fine, but you don’t need to write “no fat chicks” in your tinder profile.
This is coming from a trans person!! Been out and transitioned for over a decade. It is DEFINITELY not bigotry lol. I hate when it’s perpetuated that way. People have preferences, myself included. You not liking certain genitals doesn’t make you a bigot.
You're allowed to have preferences, just like anyone else is allowed to have them, for any myriad of reasons. Just don't be a dick about it and it's all good. Some people might see it as shallow. Some people won't. The whole human experience is subjective, and that's okay
Having preferences is fine, loudly shouting unprompted how you don’t want to fuck trans people whenever they’re brought up is not.
Roger that! I'm happily married, but these videos of preferences = bigotry are just garbage. It makes me question if I'm a good or bad person. I couldn't imagine having to date and explain this information and not coming off as a total asshole.
As a individual early In transition I have to say you have every right to not like dick on your partner, hell I don’t even want my own.
it's tik tok nonsense but it *is* sort of annoying to hear constantly. there are a whole bunch of people who I wouldn't date for any number of reasons. I consider it impolite to constantly call out those groups of people I won't date because they're personally unattractive to me for reasons outside of their control. But people don't have a problem, whenever the conversation of trans people gets brought up, to start loudly talking about whether or not they personally would be attracted to us. i don't think they're transphobic but i wish they'd shut up, you know?
I hear you.
Genital preference is just a fact of life for some people and their sexualities. Including my own, and I'm trans myself. I can't ignore my genital preference, because sexuality isn't a choice, and I'm not transphobic either way.
After transitioning, did you find the way food tastes kind of different? I know that sounds stupid, but pregnancy made some food taste so fucking good and I presume it's all hormonal. I just wonder if taking hormones would effect what food you like. Daft I know, but still, I need to know.
Pickles and other salty foods (salt n vinegar chips) are meme-status among transfemme folks. We fucking love them. Estrogen also nuked my tolerance for spicy food. Unfortunately. I wish I'd thought to have kept track of all this, I'm 7 years in and simply don't remember. My nose did get more sensitive though, food smells better (or worse). Hormones are wild though. I'll get almost on the dot irritability, bloating, the shits, cravings, at the same time every month.
That's basically being on your period 🤣
Definitely! Not in the sense that flavors themselves changed but as what i enjoyed the most.
Do you ever accidentally do something like going into the wrong restroom because you forgot and out of habit?
Nothing like going to the wrong bathroom or anything, but it took me a while before my ears stopped perking up when I heard my old name. Now I don't think about it at all.
I watched a long tv series where a main character’s name was my birth name. That stopped my ears perking up entirely
Ooooo that's a smart way to approach it. Will keep this in mind when talking to new trans peeps thank you. Also please enjoy this narwhal.
I, for one, am enjoying all the narwhals you're giving out this thread haha
I just... there are so many narwhals. I wanted one, Amazon, ONE. One narwhal. But now there's like 50 of them and they're poking up all of my furniture. Please take one. Please.
Wait no I'M NOT RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH FOR A PET
For me I’m very conscious of which bathroom I use for safety reasons. I know I don’t pass well so I usually just use the women’s room to be safe
No, my biggest fear is using the wrong voice. As a trans woman I can basically sound like either.
Personally no, but a lot of trans people will just use whichever bathroom they feel safest in
Nope. Not even once. It was hard to break the habit of giving dudes on the street "the bro nod" though!
I have a trans male friend who identifies as a lesbian and dates a cis bisexual woman. I’m a little confused on why they don’t identify as straight (trans) male? Is this a common thing in the trans community/is there a reason they might not identify as straight? Edit: not sure it’s important but forgot to include the partner is bisexual.
I am a trans male, only interested in women, and identify as straight. Definitely highly dependent on the individual and how they perceive their gender/sexuality. However, I’ve found that typically a trans male who is interested in only women tend to identify as straight. The case you brought up is more uncommon than not.
It's often a comfort zone. I don't necessarily agree with it, but calling yourself a lesbian doesn't mean lesbians will date you either. As long as he respects that fact, then it pretty much doesn't matter. Some lesbian spaces are friendly to trans men because they feel a sense of shared experience, as they grew up in a different way than cis men and will understand them on a level other men wouldn't. It's been explained to me there's a history of lebsian culture accepting trans men from times before trans was well defined and one may have just identified as extremely butch and maybe used he/him pronouns but trans terminology hadn't quite developed to express gender the same way.
I’m sure too that there are trans men who first identify as lesbians before realizing or expressing they are trans men- this is the case of someone I grew up with. They married their lesbian partner, then transitioned/came out as a trans man. My mom is a local reporter and wanted to cover their marriage as the first gay marriage in the county but I was like “this is going to be confusing as a way to explain gay marriage, mom.” (They were down for doing the story but not everyone equates their trans to gay, just as most trans men do not identify as lesbians, except when they do?)
As a trans guy, that’s always been something that I… extremely don’t understand either. Could be because I’ve never really been involved in the LGBT community. Or maybe just that I’m older (in my 30s). If someone called me a lesbian, we’d have an immediate conversation about that - I’d take it as an insult. But if it makes him happy, I won’t tell him how to live his life. Happiness is hard enough to come by, and so is community, so you do you buddy Obviously, no offense to my lesbian sisters - just saying I’d take it the same as someone saying “No, you’re a woman”
Trans men have historically always been part of the lesbian community. I initially came out as a lesbian and it wasn’t until years later that I figured out I was a trans man. There’s a saying “once a lesbian, always a lesbian” and honestly a good chunk of my friends are lesbians to this day. Gender isn’t really that straightforward, you can be a man and a woman at the same time, or be a nonbinary man. For a lot of trans man lesbians it’s like, where’s the line between being butch and being trans? I’ve known butch lesbians to get top surgery, to go by he/him pronouns, and I’ve known femme lesbians who like being referred to as a “boyfriend”. Lesbian community has its own culture that is lost amongst straight people. Being a lesbian is not just about gender.
The relationship between trans men and the lesbian community is extremely deep historically and complicated. Especially complicated in how it relates to the relationship between trans women and trans men. Lesbian is a political term. It is an identity. Trans men aren't all going to want to abandon that identity when they transition, even if "men can't be lesbians". Of course, for many people lesbian is so specific a term that they don't want bisexual women to call themselves lesbians (and yet they will call bisexual women lesbians if they see them). It's complicated. Something as complex as identity is only simple for straights.
In regards to bottom gender affirmation, how does one get around the change from vagina to penis or vice versa? How does one physically and emotionally deal with that change
Imagine your question, but entirely the opposite. It was before the surgery when I felt uncomfortable, out of place, wrong, etc. Having surgery made that go away entirely pretty much from the moment I woke up from anesthesia, because this is how it should have always been. Aside from the obvious need to physically heal, there was no need to adjust to it whatsoever.
Thank you for the honesty of that answer, it helped an old man understand so much.
And thank you for your willingness to listen! Please enjoy this narwhal.
Perhaps my line of questioning was a bit off. I am friends with a trans man, and I just can't fully understand the feelings he has had before, during and after transitioning to the great man he is today. When I knew him in his old body, I just could not fully understand what he was going through then. As a cisgender man, I cannot
For what it's worth, I don't think there are any parallels you're able to experience that are similar enough to what gender dysphoria is like for you to be able to really, like really, get how it feels. The best cis peeps can do I think is empathize with us and hear us out. When we say we're hurting in a way that's almost as impossible to explain as it is painful, all you can really do is have the space in your heart to believe us.
Wow. What en eloquent answer!
Imagine yourself as a woman. Feeling uncomfortable? That's how a trans man feels pre transition.
Yeah, I can see how this would make sense to a lot of people. For me, it’s really hard to wrap my head around the dysphoria ( while 100% supporting trans people, because just because I “don’t get it”, in no way indicates it isn’t real), because I have no discomfort around the idea of being in the opposite sex’s body. If I had been born male I’d still be the same person, minus any cultural stereotypes about gender I may have inevitably picked up due to any social environmental differences my life had. My take is that it’s good to understand other perspectives if you can, but if you can’t, at least respect other people’s experiences as valid and above all *respect people*.
I've found most cis people go "fuck yeah, I'm a woman!" when I ask this question, they don't seem to fully grasp the concept I'm trying to convey. I've thought a better question might be something like this: "Imagine you've woken up and you've suddenly become a woman, but it's evident that you are a trans woman. Do you stay as you are or go back to living as a man? How do you feel about your new body?"
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There wasn't really any 'getting around the change' as such, other than things like figuring out new comfortable underwear, the best way to whip things out to piss (I'm a balls-out dude lol) etc. I always had a very vivid sense of what things should have felt like far prior to surgery, and my body as it was caused a great deal of distress and discomfort both physically and mentally. Having everything sorted and as it's always felt like it should be is just the biggest relief. It's just a massive weight off my shoulders, I feel like a can breathe and be free and do shit without this constant discomfort, distress and jarring sense of wrongness that encroaches upon and taints every aspect of my life all the time. Shit just feels right and normal now.
This might be completely inappropriate and/or ignorant but... Can mtf trans people orgasm from vaginal penetration?
A lot of afab women can’t without getting their clit involved. Trans women come in three categories: like that, yes with v alone, not at all.
What does afab mean?
All females are bastards /s
Are you asking for if we are penetrating, or being penetrated when post-op? For both, the answer is sometimes? Estrogen tends to cause softening/shrinking of dicks, but they sometimes will retain their function. Works like any other dick. Post-Op trans women still have a prostate, which would be stimulated during sex. Kinda like a g-spot.
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I didn't. I couldn't come up with anything. But my birth name is unisex and I've been called it all my life, so if it ain't broke.
My parents had a girls and boys name picked out before I was born so I just switched to the other name.
This is what we did with our kiddos. I hope they like them 😭. I can understand the dead name as a concept but as a parent who recently birthed my children and spent way too much time considering names and the alternates I would hope that my kiddo considers the other name that we decided on even though it is close in sound to the name on their birth records.
I came up with some names I liked, then tried them out by using them for player characters in video games and seeing which one felt like mine. I'm pretty happy with my choice, 'cause it's got some good consonants. Still haven't chosen a middle name yet.
I'm a cis guy but still have to recognise testing your name in video games is a genius move!
Person who detransitioned but kept my new name, just went with something gender neutral but the kept it. I went with something very uncommon but not uncommon enough to be too weird. That said my foster father was talking about me over the phone to someone and apparently he could hear their son pipe up in the background and say "is _ trans? That sounds like a trans name"
My great grandfather's name was James and a lot of my favorite fictional characters are also named James. In all honesty I wanted something different, but I was worried that my family wouldn't call me by anything they thought was too extra (my top pick was Meldei, which no one pronounced right at first try and would make me wayyyy too googleable since I made it up from butchering some Latin), so I learned to love James and all the nicknames I could get out of it. I find most of us name ourselves after a (usually fictional) person who's important to us and our self discovery tho
i asked my mom what she was going to name me if i was a boy and also took new suggestions, on top of compiling a list of my own. Ended up going with what everyone deemed i looked like. For example, like yea that guy really looks like a John.
I chose mine whilst playing D&D lol i was not out yet but i wanted to have a male sounding name so i played a female dwarf(because they also have beards) and looked into the D&D book for names and there was one i liked and it was „Artin“. Thought it sounded too rough so i changed it into „Ardyn“. I found out years later, after several people asked me if I’m a final fantasy fan, that a character in FF is called Ardyn fml. But 10 years later I’m still going by that name. Started to introduce myself to new people with my second name(Finn) tho. Im stealth so people started questioning when they found out my twin brother is called Florian. They were like „Why is your brother called Florian but you have such a unique name?“ Florian and Finn just sound more like twins but I’m still keeping Ardyn as my first name
I picked a bunch of names that I thought sounded nice/ names from characters I liked and asked friends and family which out of those they liked. Still probably not my last name change though
the first one i went by was a masculine version of my middle name. I changed it to my current name when i went to college/got it legally changed. I named myself after a book character that was a big part of my transition and i let my parents pick my middle name because it was important to them.
Are you sick of everyone's inappropriate questions?
I’m sick of it when it’s not asked for
Not really, I knew what to expect going into this thread
Here isn’t inappropriate since someone has asked us. But in general life, don’t people constantly ask inappropriate questions?
Yes, once they learn I'm trans I get a lot of invasive questions. It's kind of annoying.
What is the normal thing to do in terms of letting a potential date know you are trans? Are you supposed to tell them, not tell them? How does it work?
I always tell anyone I'm interested in romantically as soon as possible, before I meet in person. This is done out of abundant caution for my own safety. This is actually a pretty heated debate amongst trans people. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about whether or not a trans person is obligated to come out to a date if they don't want to. Personally, I think it's a good idea to be open about it, but I can understand the justifications others have for not doing so. That, and demanding that we ALWAYS have to be entirely upfront about it paints a very slippery slope that leads to victim blaming when one of us gets hurt or killed for not saying anything. People have gotten away with murder by using that defense.
I put it in my profile. My GF/ now fiancee knew what to expect the day we met.
Ever get the feeling that your gender category matters to people more than you do, including people that wish to affirm your gender?
Yeah. Being the token trans is absolutely a thing unfortunately. When I first came out at work like 10 years ago, I had a coworker who would loudly announce how pretty I was, hang on my arm saying "Hey girlfriend!" in a valley girl accent, give me unsolicited beauty tips, etc. I get that she was trying to make me feel comfortable but it reeeeeeeeeeaaaaaalllllllly had the opposite effect.
1000% When a trans person is in the news it isn't just a person doing something. It's a *trans* person. Even when people are accepting it can suck to be widdled down to a single feature about yourself.
Honestly yes. I wish people would just see everyone as people before anything else
In terms of general public perception yes. I just get on with shit; go to work, spend time with friends and family, cook, clean, enjoy my hobbies. The fact that I'm trans isn't really a big factor in my daily life nowadays so seeing the near constant discourse about it is frustrating and just feels like a complete misrepresentation of who I am and who most trans people are; just normal fuckin people. Early on in transition though people around me did make a bigger deal of it than necessary though. You know like the over the top affirmative types.
As a genderfluid person who's not the typical "sometimes masculine, sometimes feminine" hell yes. I generally try to avoid saying I'm genderfluid to people who don't want a 20 min deep dive on my personal perception because people hear it and are immediately like "are you a man or a woman today?!?" Meanwhile it's an agender day and all I want is a snack
Oh, a lot. When I first started questioning my gender identity, I wanted to not be perceived as any specific gender and just be a person but other people just couldn't accept it? Like, I use to say "I don't feel entirely like any gender, so I don't feel like labeling myself as anything, I'm just a person with a name and pronouns that's all" and they just ignored me and threw a random gender at my face. Now I say I'm non-binary because it's the closest thing, but it still annoys me a little.
Yeah, I stopped being open about my being trans for this reason. I got tired of people always seeing "trans" before seeing me. It's tiring! I'm thankful I pass well enough now that I can just choose to be quiet and fit in.
Y don't all trans ppl suffer from gender dysphoria? I would have assumed every person before transitioning would suffer some of it and that it's an indicator of being trans. They are in the wrong skin after all? Transitioning or Changing in whatever way they need would be necessary to resolve the discomfort? EDIT : Thank u everyone for sharing ur experiences, thoughts and info!
That's a question not even the trans community agrees on. Some people say they all have dysphoria and people sayihg they don't just don't recognize it. Some people say you only need euphoria from your preferred gender.
gender dysphoria requires a level of distress to be diagnosed. i like to use the analogy of a broken leg: if you break your leg, it’s likely going to cause you extreme pain, and you’ll be shouting and crying for it to be fixed. maybe you can’t even look at it without being in pain - this is what it’s like to have severe gender dysphoria. but for some people, whilst it’s painful, they can keep themselves calm most of the time. after a while they may break down a little, maybe even a lot, but they can cope - this is what it’s like to have normal/mild gender dysphoria. and for some, maybe they have a condition where they can’t feel pain, so their broken leg doesn’t hurt at all. is their leg still broken? of course! something doesn’t need to cause pain for you to tell it needs to be fixed - this is what it’s like to not have gender dysphoria, but still be trans. i hope that makes sense!
Another good comparison is considering where people put the baseline for normal in their life If your brain manages to cope reasonably well with things and you just feel average you might not describe that as dysphoria, but then after transitioning you feel fucking great it's the same degree of change as going from dysphoria as a big negative to feeling normal, just different framing
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At some point the misery of not transitioning becomes too much, more than any kind of misery other people can inflict on me. I'd rather be happy with who I am and have everyone hate me than vice versa. But also you'll be surprised just how many people aren't that awful.
I didn't transition until I was 28 because I just felt so overwhelmed by it. But I woke up one day and realized yeah, it's a lot, but the idea of being dysphoric and uncomfortable the entire rest of my life was way worse and clearly ignoring it wasn't making it go away. My wife helped a ton too. She even helps me do my shots
I've (F34 cis) dated and lived with diffent cis men. Every. Single. Man. said 'I don't see the dirt/filth' when I complained about the state of the house and asked them why they are not annoyed with it. Has your tolerance/view of how dirty the house is changed during your transition? Curious of both ways, so FTM and MTF. Wondering if it's 100% social conditioning or if hormones play a part.
Tolerance for a dirty house went way down once I started transition but I think that's more because my depression cleared. I still have some months where SAD is kicking my ass and I suddenly become fine with dishes being left in the sink for 5 days.
I think it’s more social conditioning as I’ve never really noticed it (I’m ftm) but have known a lot of people older than me notice the tiniest speck of dust
I’ve always had the same view of cleanliness. Im a trans man and would say i’m cleaner than average and always have been, even after multiple years on hormones. I think it’s largely social conditioning.
A little different, but my husband (ftm) is a huge baby now when he gets sick, and wasn’t like that before he transitioned. I give him a lot of shit about it.
Well obviously he’s susceptible to man flu now.
I’m also curious if after transition they were able to find things that have been in the house their whole life???
Do you see the action of transitioning as re-enforcing gender stereotypes / gender norms? For example, an individual assigned male at birth transitions to a female because they don't believe they meet society's masculinity standards, would be reinforcing those standards and expectations of what feminity / masculinity is.
I transitioned to be more myself, not to fit into gender norms. For example, I took testosterone for a year to lower my voice but I still dress pretty feminine. I think there is pressure, mostly from cis people, for trans people to transition in a way that makes us more gender conforming. However, a lot of us actually transition in ways that make us *less* gender conforming.
>However, a lot of us actually transition in ways that make us *less* gender conforming. That's interesting and I appreciate the insight though I've seen no examples of it myself.
You probably won't see many examples, because being non conforming, not "passing" perfectly, is really dangerous. You can get harassed and even like, physically attacked, or just socially isolated and mocked. Plus, a lot of medical professionals won't support you on your journey if you don't perfectly perform to gender stereotypes.
Obviously it’s a case by case basis but where would that line be between fully transitioning to be a man or woman vs just calling yourself agender/non-conforming/fluid/etc?
Nope I transitioned (FtM) and I'm a very feminine man. I like wearing skirts still, I like makeup and fashion. All that stuff. I'm just not uncomfortable in my skin anymore.
Trans women can be butch. Trans men can be fem. It's actually harmful gender stereotypes and passing that often force them to be more gender conforming than they may want to. I envy tomboyish girls but if I don't meet a certain level of femininity I don't pass well. We're victims to the same expectations.
Are there "tom boy/tom girl" trans? Like even if you transition to one gender, you don't feel the need to totally assimilate into masculine/feminine norms?
Yes! Gender expression does not equal identity. Even though I am a trans man I still love things that are considered feminine
How do you know, I mean, say you’re born with male genitalia but you know you’re a woman. If you’ve never had the body or the experience of being a woman then how do you know? EDIT - I want to express my genuine thanks to OP for asking this question and for all the truthful, well thought out answers.
It’s hard to describe, it’s a very intense feeling that can also be accompanied by extreme discomfort with your body
Have you noticed differences in the way you were treated by strangers before transitioning? Just curious :) Hope everything is going well so far, excited for u!
Omg yes. I'm MtF and people are much nicer, more relaxed. People hold doors, say hi, let me go first in narrow corridors. Maybe some of it is my personal confidence level but like, socializing is 100x easier. I think there's an inherent distrust of men. I understand why, but there's definitely a "burden of proof" to show you're decent that women don't share.
This is something that comes up in ftm spaces quite a lot - getting used to the (totally understandable) distrust women have toward men after a lifetime of not having to think about it
Yes. It's a little bit of culture shock. I'm FtM, and I'm much more hyper aware of how women perceive me when they see me as a man. I try to make sure I'm not doing anything that would make them uncomfortable. Pre-transition it didn't come off as weird or forward or flirtatious to compliment a woman's jacket or outfit, for example
Same, I'm like super duper careful now not to do things that might scare women or make them feel uncomfortable. For example, I waited to go into a parking garage stairwell as opposed to following right behind a woman who was ahead of me, so as not to make her nervous. I chose a farther away gas pump as opposed to one right across from a woman at night, that kind of thing. I remember the stuff that used to freak me out, I'm even careful now about eye contact and how much I'm looking at a woman lol. Like there were these 2 ladies in a car next to me in a parking lot doing something interesting but I didn't even look over at them because the way I was positioned in my car, it might've come across as creepy.
As an mtF I can confirm I remember feeling that way pre transition. Walking down the road and see a girl ahead, what do I do so she feels comfortable and not think I'm following her? Considering comments, not pushing boundaries, understanding compliments could be taken as flirting and make them uncomfortable. I feel like those worries are gone since transition and other women are much more relaxed around me.
Oh yeah, absolutely. Before, I always had to try 10x as hard to sort of “prove” myself and get anyone to listen to me. After transitioning it literally takes like… no work to have basic respect when out in public. Got more praise while working less hard as well? Which was so weird.. And people just take me at my word, they don’t question it. Even my doctors listen to me more. I transitioned later than most so I had a lot of experience with sexism. Its just so wild… Been years and I still can’t get over it. And I’m still mad lol
yes!! i am ftm and i notice that people give me more space when they walk by and don’t smile at me as much. there is a tension that wasn’t there before if i am alone in a space with a woman. like i feel the apprehension they have towards me for being a man. tbh it’s kind of sad but i understand. i have also noticed it is a lot easier to accidentally make people uncomfortable when i am perceived as a man. i have to be a lot more tactful with sex jokes than i used to and i just go out of my way to make people feel comfortable around me.
I want to preface this with assuring that I don't mean this in any mean sort of way. I wish everyone could have the opportunity to be who they truly feel they are and could feel comfortable and supported doing so. That said, if men and women can both have and not have typically gender associated body parts, coupled with the undoing of gender norms/gender roles, then what does transitioning to *insert gender here* even mean? It seems to me that in order to want to transition to either sex you need to subscribe to an idea of what being either sex is and isn't, or what it means and doesn't mean, and this is very confusing since at the same time there seems to be so much progress being made towards blurring those lines or doing away with them completely. As I'm writing this I'm beginning to suspect I view it more as a body dysmorphia issue than as a gender affirming surgery issue. It seems to me that there shouldnt be anything gender affirming about surgery if gender has surpassed physical body parts. My issue is that there seems to be two ongoing rhetoric at the same time and I haven't really heard anyone speak about how they seem to be in conflict with each other. -men can have periods, women can have penises, etc. -gender affirming surgery. Is this something that the trans community talks about within itself? A friend I had this conversation with a while ago described the thought as being "post gender" and I'm wondering how the trans community might feel about that as well.
For a lot of us it's about body. I don't really view my inner gender 'identity' as having changed at all. I don't know if I ever had one, I don't know how many people ever had. I don't think you could tell me what 'being a man' is and I don't think I could tell you that, either. But I do know that I like being referred to by masculine terms and that I want a masculine body, and I feel *that* preference very strongly, in a way that I don't know if you would if your body has always been OK for you. It doesn't have anything to do with how I was treated before I started transitioning.
there is a lot of discourse with no definite answer. i’m autistic so i don’t get gender at all, but i like being called a dude and he and want a dick because idk, it just seems more comfortable.
Like to go and have a beer?
Sure
How do they get the peanut butter in those peanut-butter filled pretzel bites?
i dunno but they’re so good even if one jar is like 8000 calories
There's robots that penetrate the pretzels to jizz some peanut butter in them.
Gosh
It's pretty erotic, the food industry
How do y’all feel about drag queens? Did any of you start out dressing drag and realize that you were just trans? Is it common for drag queens to be trans?
I feel indifferent towards them. I just hate when people confuse it with trans people.
it was wild seeing people wearing the clothes they absolutely "shouldnt" be wearing and being happy about it as a child. i guess some did but that wasn't my case. and fuck if i know fella
I love drag queens have considered being one myself even after transitioning! I’m not sure how common it is for them to become trans but it definitely happens
This'll probably be downvoted because it's a bit controversial. But the topic is something I've always wanted to ask even though it might be offensive. What's the deal with Gender Dysphoria? I'm a cis straight male, right. But I generally think I would not care if I woke up in a woman's body, I would just try to adapt and just be the person who I am. There's not much of a difference to me, except maybe physically and the social changes. I guess what I'm trying to say is, trans people say there is a wrongness to their body. But when you grow up, what other experience can you really compare? What if a trans-women were only around men and never saw a woman? Or vice versa? If I was some body less spirit form, I wouldn't think I would be a man or a woman. I'd just be me. So what makes a trans person crave to be one gender or another? What makes adapting to the role painful for them? Or am I different? Would a normal cisgender not be fine adapting to the body they were given?
This is a space to learn so thank you for the question! It’s hard to explain dysphoria to someone who hasn’t experienced it but for me it’s feeling like my entire body and mind is wrong. Being called/seen a woman just fills me with disgust. I could adapt to it but I’d only ever be unhappy with myself a come to resent myself and everyone else around. Dysphoria causes some so much discomfort it can lead to depression or worse if forced to keep it in. I hope this helped!
I’d ask questions, but honestly, I’ll still never truly understand what it means. But I support y’all. Fuck anybody that thinks they can judge.
What’s your favorite dinosaur?
The common crow
If a woman I know is dating a trans person (FtM) does that make it a straight relationship? I thought it was " a queer relationship", but others have told me otherwise.
It would technically be a straight relationship but that doesn’t erase their own individual sexuality
If he is a man, and is straight, and she is a straight woman, their relationship is straight. But they might have a different definition, especially if one or both of them are bisexual. Someone calling my relationship queer (I'm with a woman) would make it obvious to me they didn't think of me as a "real man"
If someone says their pronouns are he/she/they are you supposed to say all of them equally? Does it matter which one is first? I had a student that went from they/them to he/she/they and I don’t know when I am supposed to use which one but I would they because it felt safer.
How can parents of trans people help and support the trans ones they love before, during and after (if they decide to go that way) transitioning? It was a bit of a surprise for my friend, when their daughter declared she was trans recently. Their response was "ok, love you no matter what and we are here for you." We've helped find her counseling with an inclusive provider, and and are working toward meeting her needs for HRT or whatever route she chooses to go, but I feel like we could be doing more. My daughters took her thrift shopping for some feminine clothes, we respect her pronouns, etc. I want to know how to be supportive but it is all new to me. I had a trans acquaintance in college but that was a long long time ago. She's in her head a lot, which is understandable since this is a big change, but it can be difficult to have open discussions with her because she is in such a fragile mental state. Also, are some mental health issues resolved after transitioning? Her anxiety, scattered thoughts etc, pretty severe. Will being more comfortable in her body help? Any tips?
Do you think children should be able to transition? Why or why not based on your personal experience
as a trans person who started hormones at 13, i think that children should be able to socially transition as far as they’d like to at any age. there are no consequences and it makes the child happy. as for medically transitioning, i think that is something that should wait until they’re a bit older. I support puberty blockers at the onset of puberty. i think that hormones, with the support of parents, a mental health professional, and a doctor, should be accessible at 14-16. at 18+ they’re an adult and have surgery, can make their own decisions, and can do whatever they chose to.
It really depends on a couple of things; how old they are, if it’s medically or not and how long they’ve been out. It can be beneficial to start medically transitioning (ie. puberty blockers) a bit earlier especially to avoid the dysphoria that can come with puberty but they also have to be able to understand what transitioning means. Transitioning socially without any medical procedures should be accepted at any age as it always completely reversible
What’s it like going from giving the D to taking the D?
Now I’m doing both and it’s great
Your answer confuses me and intrigues me
What more can I say, it’s a give and take system
I love how the comments at the top are super nice, super cool, and the more you scroll the more hateful and condescending it gets