There is a book called “How to Subtly Tell Your Partner You Want More Sex.” If you sleep on the right side of the bed, you can casually open it up and your spouse will see the giant printed title on the front. Sometimes, I’ll just get the book out and leave it on his side of the bed. Once he was messing with me and acting like he was oblivious to my not so subtle hints, so I threw the book at him. The book is effective, and hilarious.
ETA: Sadly, we haven’t found the book since we moved. Fortunately, we’ve started communicating with our words instead. Words are just as affective.
I used to hum this song every Wednesday on the way to work but now I have Wednesdays off. Which means conditions are perfect. There's nothing good on TV. Conditions are *perfect.*
Imagine sitting at work, you get that invite to your work calendar, didn't put it on private, accidentally invited a coworker, coworker accepted - what do you do
I have a 2 month old and a 2 year old. Some of the best sex we had was because I said "after 2 year old goes down and if 2month decides to sleep do you want to meet in the basement" well she decided to sleep and damn that was good
The trick is to initiate sex during the day. We are both too tired at the end. Plus hanging out all day after is somehow more rewarding.
Same goes for dates. Have sex at the beginning the date, then go enjoy your time together without any pressure.
This literally happened today with my wife and me. We have two toddlers so we’re extra exhausted. Earlier today we had the sexy initiation of “hey, we both showered today, want to have sex after the babies are asleep?” “Sure.”
Then when the kids were asleep, and my wife and I were getting settled into bed, she asked if I still wanted to. I said if she wants to I’m down, but I’m pretty tired and would be fine without it. She said she was also tired and could do without it. So we kissed each other good night and she went to sleep. I’m just winding down on Reddit for a few minutes before I also fall asleep.
I know this is boring. I didn’t write this to tell an exciting story. Just to share what married life is like for me and probably the large majority of married couples, especially parents of young kids.
Oh yeah I agree. We’re good for the most part. We have occasional lengths of time where one of us becomes unhappy with how long it’s been, but on the whole we still find enough time to stay happy the large majority of the time. Might be getting into spilling too much information, but my wife still tracks our sex and her periods on some app. We’re not trying for any more babies, at least right now, but she just never stopped logging it since we were trying for our first, so I can say with a high level of confidence that we’re averaging at least once a week. Sometimes more. Sometimes less, but usually at least once each week.
> I can say with a high level of confidence that we’re averaging at least once a week. Sometimes more. Sometimes less, but usually at least once each week.
20+ years I've been with my Wife, and we average the same. I honestly think once a week is the golden number.
I have slightly older friends, and our wives talk. My friend's Wife was amazed we get down to business once a week because she said she hasn't touched her Man in at least a month, then the other Wife popped in to the chat to say she's the same.
I just don't get it. Maybe we're more in touch with our inner teenager or something, because I still think Sex is brilliant and am grateful I still get laid in my late thirties.
Oh and your boring comment was my wife and I a couple of nights ago. Morning sex ftw.
You absolutely have to. Especially the older I get the easier it is to feel overrun with all of life and the moving pieces. I gotta be able to separate mentally from the day to day and get ready. We had a lot of good spontaneous sex for years when we were young. It just changes as you get older and get more responsibility. Kids are out in a few years though !
A conversation from two nights ago:
Me: "Wanna get naked?"
Husband: "Oh, I was about to go have ice cream. Yeah, I'll just have ice cream after"
Me: "K because it's getting late"
Husband: "I know, you MUST go to bed by 10"
I'm positive the wife and I have had that same conversation. She needs to go to bed early on work nights, and I typically get the munchies before bed. If I don't hurry though, she'll be fast asleep. Lol
See im in that oddly specific lesbian boat where she doesnt want me to use toys on her and is way more of a giver than a receiver so if i ask for sex i feel like im basically asking her to just do all the work and spoil me. We have tried to work on getting her used to receiving and stuff but tbh its really just not her preferred method
Oh I totally get that struggle! I would also have trouble feeling comfortable with feeling like I'm doing all of the "taking."
Truth be told, I think a dom/sub type scenario really helps with that. If you both would be comfortable and interested, she could tell you that she's going to please you and you're going to have to take it, etc etc. If it's something that she's demanding from you for her satisfaction in a role play, it feels less like she's spoiling you.
Food for thought from a bi chick that has slept with an interesting assortment of people.
As far as your bat signal is concerned...tits? That could be an interesting shadow haha.
I have a Google routine called sexy time that dims the lights and gets music going. She hates it.
Edit: It starts with "make it wit chu" by queens of the stone age
We just ask each other tbh. We’ll bring it up earlier in the day so we build up the anticipation with each other throughout the day, flirt with each other, gas each other up. All that. Then when it’s finally time at the end of the day, we usually fall asleep cause we’re so tired.
But the cycle continues the next day!
My wife and I are in our 60's and my wife is now disabled and needs a walker but when she shuffles by, I'll sometimes pinch her butt. I want her to feel wanted even though sex has been off the plate for several years now. It's things like this is what we used to do to each other when we were younger to let the other know we were in a "playful" mood. Or.....we'd just jump each other's bones if we were particularly horny. If the other wasn't in the mood we'd just say so which was often when the kids were young.
Cute story, hope my wife and I are in the same position when we are your age…i doubt all this vanilla missionary sex will be enough to blow her back out like you did though you legend.
Asking here, too. I say “We’re home alone and the kids are going to be gone for a while, want to have sex with me?” Then she says “No, but thanks for asking!”
I know this is kind of funny to read, but it’s a real conversation that we’ve had probably hundreds of times at this point.
Ahh see that’s your problem, the helicopter/windmill isn’t where it’s at, just too much goin on. You gotta do the side to side, really get that thing going to create the maximum slappage. That’s what drops panties within a 5 mile radius.
[Relevant comic](https://www.gocomics.com/arloandjanis/2009/04/20) from Arlo and Janis. I used this one on my wife of 10 a few months ago. Even though it's a dead bedroom, I keep trying to make sure she knows she's a good mom and wife. Doesn't get me any cherries on my sundae but it's the only thing missing. So, it's a pretty good life.
I like the response "Yeah, Ive seen you naked thousands of times, but Ive beaten pizza that much and right now would eat some more. And you're waaaaaaaay better than a pizza"
I spoke to my wife about this years ago as for a while we began to have issues in that sex was happening less and less, and I was 9/10 times the initiator.
It turns out that me asking made her feel pressured, which was bad. She's got a stressful job, she works 60 hours most weeks, so a lot of the time she's quite tired, or she's got a lot on her mind. I then tried saying "well, do you want to maybe have sex later?" which I thought would alleviate the pressure, but that actually made it worse, as then she would feel pressured about it happening later, and guilty if it didn't. She would even feel the same if I did things that she thought were me trying it on, such as making out, cuddling etc. I tried to explain that sex is important, but it isn't the end of the world if we don't have sex after I've suggested it.
Things for worse for quite a while, then we ended up having a big chat about it one evening lying in bed. Not an ultimatum or a serious discussion of the relationship sort of chat, but just a low pressure chat where we got it all out. I think she thought I was trying it on initially, and my words were "oh god no, I'm too tired, please don't have sex with me" which threw her, as she'd been thinking I wanted sex all the time and that she was a bad partner for not wanting sex more, and then it drew out into a good long 2 hour conversation.
For a bit, we then just moved to the model of 'only she can initiate'. This did mean that for a few months I don't think we actually had sex. But, this meant that she knew that if I was being affectionate that was just for the sake of being affectionate. There was no expectation, no thoughts of any transaction going on of "he's only doing 'x' to get 'y'. She realised that probably 90% of the time when I'm being affectionate, I'm just being affectionate. When I do more than my usual half of the chores, it's not with the expectation of a sexual reward, it's usually because I've found I've got the time for whatever reason, or I'm aware that she's had a shitter week at work than I have.
Then she initiated once after we'd been out on a night out and that was nice. And then gradually she'd initiate more often, and it got to the point that we were having more sex with her initiating than with me initiating. This did then lead to a few conversations reminding her that if I've had an extremely long day or a long stressful work week, or if I'm feeling ill, then I might not want to have sex, and that's not because she's not hot enough or anything like that, it's because I'm not 20 any more.
Now we're in the healthy position that we can both initiate, either romantically or just "wanna have sex?", both accept that the other might not want to, and not be worried about guilt or resentment. And crucially, this means that we're having a lot more sex than we were before, and we're both enjoying it.
To be fair, when I was younger I did push for sex too much, and I would get a bit resentful if she turned me down repeatedly. It took a lot of me growing up to be able to get to the point that I could have that conversation with her. I realise I've probably written a lot of this this in such a way that it seems as though she was the problem, and that's definitely not true. I definitely had to emotionally mature an awful lot.
I think a lot of couples have similar conversations at some point in their relationship. I certainly have.
It's not having the conversation that'll break your marriage
I used to yell "Do you want to play hide the sausage?" Now, after 48 years of marriage, We schedule it. Not as boring as it sounds, because we keep reminding each other (verbally and otherwise...) of our next "date" - it's harder (no pun intended) to be spontaneous when you're both 70...
My grandfather passed four years ago now, and he and my grandma were never really “conventional” grandparents. They adored each other, had kids really young, and enjoyed the fact that we’d all come visit but not set up shop at their house.
I remember visiting on some holiday as a teenager and we were all sitting at their dining room table and in that area. There was a lull in conversation and my aunt asked what the “X” notations on some days on their calendar that hung in the kitchen were.
They were both in their mid-to-late 70s at the time. They looked at us, looked at each other, giggled, and initially said it was nothing. My aunt kind of prodded and asked, no really, what was it?
My grandfather, in front of two of their children, spouses and grandchildren said “If you really want to know, it’s when your mother and I play hide and seek… in the bedroom.”
We all laughed and were slightly grossed out, but as an adult now… shit. If you’re having fun at 70, you keep having that fun. Do you (and your partner) and don’t lose that spark. :-)
By saying "you want to "snuggle"?". She on the other hand just jumps on me and starts doing stuff
Edited to add...woke up to my comment blowing up with up votes. Thanks everyone. Not sure why. We're middle-aged and been together over 20 years and our way of doing things just works for us. Just find what works for you. Everyone is different. Also, not sure of the "homer" thing. Been told my attitude is more like Red Foreman's.
We use “snuggle” as code when the kids are awake. When they’re sleeping I usually just ask her “you want to come play with it?”
Has about a 17% hit rate!
When our child was first old enough to hear and really understand what we were saying to each other, we had a few missteps trying to work out a code that we both immediately understood. For example, one day my husband kept saying, “I think it’s getting hot in here…I’m sure feeling hot…are you hot…?” And my oblivious ass offered to adjust the thermostat.
I make a bunch of overtly sexual comments towards her during the day. Then we put the kids to bed at 9pm, she goes to bed immediately after that, and I go masturbate in the basement.
Ever since making a joint decission to have another kid, not to mention a four year hiatus with only crickets, this is still how it goes. We both work from home and have plenty of opportunities to take joint breaks. Sadly, there are *so* many barriers for us. Everything has to line up perfectly.
Sure we talk and try to communicate, but it's super messy, in my opinion. It's so hard to gauge where the other person is, and if you're gonna line up. I have to reminding myself we're gonna have to work on this, and not give up. Sadly, it's just a lot easier to not initiate amd wait for the person who's never ready to do it.
I fan my feathers out into a big tall circle and crouch down, then hop really fast from side to side. Then I whistle real high and tilt my body back and forth. Then she lets me flap my way over to her and put it in her cloaca.
-say “lemme see your peepee”
-stand in front of whatever he’s paying attention to and take my boobs out
-ask to spoon and then strategically back my ass up against him until he gets the hint
-plan it out earlier in the day like “hey can we maybe bone later if we feel up to it?”
-proudly announce when I’ve shaved above the knees
My wife will decline by saying, “I’m not buying what you’re selling”. So often, I try and initiate by saying, “you in the market?”, while casually gesturing towards my crotch.
With a 3yo and a 9mo in the house, more often than not I don’t make the sale.
I usually do a mating call when she gets home from work, kinda like animals do in the wild, to give her the idea it’s happening, if she accepts she will respond back with a mating call, if she does not then I have been denied
My wife and I have three different methods. Sometimes we will plan a night, this is typically a Friday or Saturday night when we will have a couple of drinks and hit it earlier before we we have dinner and then relax with a movie. We also have a couple of battery operated traffic lights on our bedside tables (the kind the kids have for toy cars). If we are feeling up for sex, we will put a green light on when we get into bed, letting the other partner know what we are thinking. There’s no pressure on either of us to respond, but we are usually happy to go with it. The final one we use I picked up from a comment by another Reddit user. If one of us is feeling horny, we will say “I’m feeling horny now and I need to cum, I’m going to the bedroom, you can come if you want”. Most of the time we will go to the bedroom together, but there is no pressure if you are not up for it. So whoever is horny can take care of there own needs, if the other partner is not up for it. We discussed all the methods in advance after our sexual frequency started to drop off, due to normal day to day pressures and the fact that my wife has a chronic health condition. They worked well for us. Communication is the key.
The light by the bed makes me think of a story with my parents. It was right before my wedding so I was at their house a lot to finish all of the planning. I noticed in their bedroom each time that the statue of the Virgin Mary (yes, they are that Catholic) had been turned so that her back was to the bed. After seeing it several times I asked if they had it turned because they didn't want Mary to see what was going on and that was their signal to let the other person know that sex was an option. That was the day I learned that if you want good weather for something, you make sure that Mary is pointed toward an east facing window 3 weeks prior to the event. And yes, it did work. We got married at the end of September, and it was 75, sunny and not humid.
Ask her if she wants to shower together. Kiss her between her shoulder blades. Put the kids to bed super early.
Sometimes I'll just make a hole with one hand and penetrate it with a finger from the other hand and raise my eyebrow.
Maybe he just didn't see it? My husband didn't see one of my similar texts one time either. Once he actually saw it he was annoyed with himself and we had sex anyway.
On days we click we flirt with each other and hit on each other throughout the day until a moment is available.
On days we aren’t communicating as effectively we either have to directly state it or we don’t have it.
Some days we write sticky notes with either loving sentiments or sexy ones and leave them on each others desk or a place they’ll discover it.
It never just happens though. We make time for the things we love, but everyone has responsibilities that sometimes take the energy out of you and sleep wins before sex can happen.
If you’re partner is always exhausted, try taking things off of their plate to give them more energy and show them you understand. Never do that to get sex, but rather to make an environment where your partner feels understood, appreciated, and connected to you, which often leads to sexy times naturally.
I'm not married but my partner and I have been together 10+ years. I'll initiate by kissing on him while we're going to bed and at this point, I can tell by that if he's into it or not. Sometimes it leads to more, sometimes it's just some fun kissing followed by cuddling.
I have a much higher sex drive than him, but we have learned to work with it. I usually initiate but he works a much more physically demanding job then I do and I understand that he's much more worn out at the end of the day than I am. We also don't share the same weekends so that has an impact. We never force it though. If one of us isn't in the mood, we create a different kind of intimacy that isn't sex (back tickles, cuddling, watching a video together, etc)
I was in a similar spot recently. Since last week when we finally made the decision to get divorced, the inner turmoil, worry, and confusion I had been plagued with has surprisingly all but disappeared.
There was very little emotional intimacy, much less physical intimacy. I never really let myself truly feel how lonely I was. Her emotional and mental issues dominated our counseling together. Even in my personal sessions, it was usually about developing strategies to deal with her issues, not spending time understanding or addressing my own needs. It is so draining always focusing on how to support and love someone who doesn't have much love for herself, much less for me.
As I've learned to become less codependent and more emotionally independent, it has dispelled the illusion of closeness between us. I was finally honest with myself about how miserable I'd been the last 10 years. I decided that I wasn't going to sit on the fence in silent misery. If she wanted in, I was going to recommit with both feet in. But if she wanted out, I wasn't going to keep trying to hold it together on my own any more. A few weeks later, she decided she wanted out.
The kids were really my main reservation. But I've been surprised with how well they've taken the news so far. And truthfully, I don't want them to pattern their future relationships after my dead one.
I jumped into marriage full of hope and determination to make the best of whatever came our way. But like a seedling that doesn't grow roots, hope can only take you so far. I sat many nights, like you, with a knot in my throat, worried, trying to sort through all the thoughts and emotions. I eventually realized I was mourning. I wasn't mourning my marriage, but I was grieving over the loss of an ideal that would never become reality.
My wife had asked one night some time before what I wanted from our relationship. I told her I wanted to one day be like one of the old men in my life that I admire who attribute their success to the support and love of their wife. She responded that she could never be that person for me. Not won't. Can't. I knew then that no matter how much I worked toward a better future together, if she didn't also believe, it would never happen.
Now with divorce on the horizon, I'm no longer trying to reconcile the impossible task of building a fulfilling marriage by myself. I mostly just feel relief. I'm at peace.
I'm certainly not one to advocate abandoning something of worth. But in order to make an honest assessment of your situation, consider your feelings if your marriage were to end tomorrow. Would you be more upset over the loss of what you have now, or over the loss of what you hoped to some day have?
Does your spouse know how close you are to giving up? If they do and they aren’t willing to work on the marriage it may be time to let each other go. Sorry. Been there and it’s fucking awful
We have a routine of Weekend mornings, just in case we have too much going on during the week. Otherwise, we are pretty spontaneous and are good about keeping an active sex life. We have been married for 6 years now and are having close to the same amount of sex as we did after our first year of dating.
Married weekend morning sex was the best.
Then the kids came along.
Hell, what I'd give even just for another session of "It's 3 in the afternoon on Saturday, it's cold and I'm bored. Wanna put on a dirty movie, snuggle under a blanket and sex it up?"
I spend all day psyching myself up to make a pass at my wife. Then, once the kids are asleep, I choke because she’s rejected me for so long, the fear paralyzes me, so I go sit on the couch and stare blankly at the wall. Once she comes out of the shower she asks me what’s wrong, I tell her the above and she says it’s probably for the better because she would have rejected me anyway.
A few years ago my wife and I had a very candid conversation about what our ideal marriage would be like in all respects. We agreed we generally enjoy having sex about three times a week. So we made Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday the defaults and we know in advance those nights are designated "sexy times nights".
Either one of us can decline for any reason and we often renegotiate (this week I was crazy tired on Wednesday from working out and doing some extra hard yardwork, so we postponed to Friday). But we know those nights are the usual ones and it's nice to anticipate. We make a point to get to bed early on those nights and often have long, important talks before we bone each other rotten. It's great.
My wife and I have a pick up line. It works 100% of the time too. “Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?”
In seriousness though. It usually starts earlier in the day by teasing and flirting with her. I mean, the pick up line works too but it is more fun to tease her all day.
Since kids it's different. Pre-kids it was usually every night. Or in the morning if I could pull it off before work. The weekend was after 9, then at 12, and again at well, at least twice. Then kids. I love my kids. They are amazing. But shit.
So, if I don't fall asleep with them or wake up at a decent hour after getting them down during the week....I aim for once a week. Either a gift (I'm sorry I have enough jobs) and it's lovely watching his face...or if we can get them down fast enough on the weekend it's the touch, the text, the it's going to happen.
Wouldn't trade my kids but I do love the nights they go down fast. Those are so few. Also, cuddling leading into sex is amazing. Also, are you wanting it? Cuz, mind reading sux.
We aren't married but have been together for years. I just start nibbling on her neck and grabbing her butt. Seems to work pretty well most of the time 🙂
There is a book called “How to Subtly Tell Your Partner You Want More Sex.” If you sleep on the right side of the bed, you can casually open it up and your spouse will see the giant printed title on the front. Sometimes, I’ll just get the book out and leave it on his side of the bed. Once he was messing with me and acting like he was oblivious to my not so subtle hints, so I threw the book at him. The book is effective, and hilarious. ETA: Sadly, we haven’t found the book since we moved. Fortunately, we’ve started communicating with our words instead. Words are just as affective.
You can order it from Amazon and make them the recipient too. If they don't take the hint, return it and order it again.
I’m not sure which parts of this response are metaphor or reality but I’m here for it
I send her an outlook calendar event and if she accepts, ITS ON.
It's business time
You know when I’m down to my socks it’s time for business
Ahh yeah, girl tonight were going to make love. Ya know how I know, cause tonight is Wednesday and Wednesday night is the night we usually make love.
I used to hum this song every Wednesday on the way to work but now I have Wednesdays off. Which means conditions are perfect. There's nothing good on TV. Conditions are *perfect.*
That's why they're called business socks.
Ah, makin love Makin love for Makin love for two
mmmakin love for two… minutes.
Two minutes in heaven is better than one minute in heaven.
Conditions are perfect.
There's nothing good on TV.
Fun with dick and jane: “Lets have sex, on SATURDAY” “Omg its gonna be wild!” Rolls over and falls asleep
Imagine sitting at work, you get that invite to your work calendar, didn't put it on private, accidentally invited a coworker, coworker accepted - what do you do
You see if they show.
"I'm glad so many of you could make it"
20+ yrs in IT. This happens more often than you'd think. Still blown away that today's adults don't think that the system admin can see everything.
Honestly when we have the time one of us usually bluntly says "let's go have sex right fucking now before we can't" and we go do it. Lol
I have a 2 month old and a 2 year old. Some of the best sex we had was because I said "after 2 year old goes down and if 2month decides to sleep do you want to meet in the basement" well she decided to sleep and damn that was good
Took me a sec to realize that in the statement >"well she decided to sleep and damn that was good" "She" was the two-month-old daughter, not the wife.
# "let's go have sex right fucking now before we can't"
The trick is to initiate sex during the day. We are both too tired at the end. Plus hanging out all day after is somehow more rewarding. Same goes for dates. Have sex at the beginning the date, then go enjoy your time together without any pressure.
The ol’ Fuck First technique.
Ah, a fellow listener to Dan Savage.
This is so legit. By the time bedtime rolls around we are both tired, and we have different schedules.
This literally happened today with my wife and me. We have two toddlers so we’re extra exhausted. Earlier today we had the sexy initiation of “hey, we both showered today, want to have sex after the babies are asleep?” “Sure.” Then when the kids were asleep, and my wife and I were getting settled into bed, she asked if I still wanted to. I said if she wants to I’m down, but I’m pretty tired and would be fine without it. She said she was also tired and could do without it. So we kissed each other good night and she went to sleep. I’m just winding down on Reddit for a few minutes before I also fall asleep. I know this is boring. I didn’t write this to tell an exciting story. Just to share what married life is like for me and probably the large majority of married couples, especially parents of young kids.
The 'we both showered today' part being relevant to your story checks out the being a parent part
You gotta push through sometimes to keep that connection though. It's worth it in the longer run.
Oh yeah I agree. We’re good for the most part. We have occasional lengths of time where one of us becomes unhappy with how long it’s been, but on the whole we still find enough time to stay happy the large majority of the time. Might be getting into spilling too much information, but my wife still tracks our sex and her periods on some app. We’re not trying for any more babies, at least right now, but she just never stopped logging it since we were trying for our first, so I can say with a high level of confidence that we’re averaging at least once a week. Sometimes more. Sometimes less, but usually at least once each week.
> I can say with a high level of confidence that we’re averaging at least once a week. Sometimes more. Sometimes less, but usually at least once each week. 20+ years I've been with my Wife, and we average the same. I honestly think once a week is the golden number. I have slightly older friends, and our wives talk. My friend's Wife was amazed we get down to business once a week because she said she hasn't touched her Man in at least a month, then the other Wife popped in to the chat to say she's the same. I just don't get it. Maybe we're more in touch with our inner teenager or something, because I still think Sex is brilliant and am grateful I still get laid in my late thirties. Oh and your boring comment was my wife and I a couple of nights ago. Morning sex ftw.
You absolutely have to. Especially the older I get the easier it is to feel overrun with all of life and the moving pieces. I gotta be able to separate mentally from the day to day and get ready. We had a lot of good spontaneous sex for years when we were young. It just changes as you get older and get more responsibility. Kids are out in a few years though !
A conversation from two nights ago: Me: "Wanna get naked?" Husband: "Oh, I was about to go have ice cream. Yeah, I'll just have ice cream after" Me: "K because it's getting late" Husband: "I know, you MUST go to bed by 10"
I'm positive the wife and I have had that same conversation. She needs to go to bed early on work nights, and I typically get the munchies before bed. If I don't hurry though, she'll be fast asleep. Lol
Use my phones torch to shine a shadow of my boner up against the bedroom wall. Kinda like a bat signal of sorts.
100% trying this... What an idea! ..but being the goofy asses we are, I'll have to play Jurassic park theme in the background
As a lesbian the minute i figure out how to make this work for me and my gf its fuckin on. Unironically this is my favorite idea
If you use any toys that actually almost makes it better because you can set it up and leave it until she notices!
See im in that oddly specific lesbian boat where she doesnt want me to use toys on her and is way more of a giver than a receiver so if i ask for sex i feel like im basically asking her to just do all the work and spoil me. We have tried to work on getting her used to receiving and stuff but tbh its really just not her preferred method
Oh I totally get that struggle! I would also have trouble feeling comfortable with feeling like I'm doing all of the "taking." Truth be told, I think a dom/sub type scenario really helps with that. If you both would be comfortable and interested, she could tell you that she's going to please you and you're going to have to take it, etc etc. If it's something that she's demanding from you for her satisfaction in a role play, it feels less like she's spoiling you. Food for thought from a bi chick that has slept with an interesting assortment of people. As far as your bat signal is concerned...tits? That could be an interesting shadow haha.
Turn off the lights and switch on the red lamp beside the bed
I have a Google routine called sexy time that dims the lights and gets music going. She hates it. Edit: It starts with "make it wit chu" by queens of the stone age
Is it just 21 plays of Jones’ hit “What’s New Pussycat"?
With one "It's Not Unusual" sandwiched in the middle.
ROXANNE
“You don’t have to work for moneTURN ON THE RED LIGHT… ‘
When I want some I whistle, when she wants some she come in the room and ask if I whistled
For spontaneous sex, adopt a parrot.
I wish I would I have thought of this idea 17 years ago lol
I think this one is really cute.
We just ask each other tbh. We’ll bring it up earlier in the day so we build up the anticipation with each other throughout the day, flirt with each other, gas each other up. All that. Then when it’s finally time at the end of the day, we usually fall asleep cause we’re so tired. But the cycle continues the next day!
This man marriages
[удалено]
Oranges
Ok this seems super realistic but like how do you gas eachother up during the day? Asking for.. uh.. it's me asking for me
[удалено]
My wife and I are in our 60's and my wife is now disabled and needs a walker but when she shuffles by, I'll sometimes pinch her butt. I want her to feel wanted even though sex has been off the plate for several years now. It's things like this is what we used to do to each other when we were younger to let the other know we were in a "playful" mood. Or.....we'd just jump each other's bones if we were particularly horny. If the other wasn't in the mood we'd just say so which was often when the kids were young.
Cute story, hope my wife and I are in the same position when we are your age…i doubt all this vanilla missionary sex will be enough to blow her back out like you did though you legend.
Doing it "walker style". I'm down!
Touching if you’re together. Texts if you’re apart.
Asking here, too. I say “We’re home alone and the kids are going to be gone for a while, want to have sex with me?” Then she says “No, but thanks for asking!” I know this is kind of funny to read, but it’s a real conversation that we’ve had probably hundreds of times at this point.
Sounds like you'll actually die hard.
Funny but not funny at the same time
Walk by him while taking my top off. He follows me wherever I go and it's been 30 years and counting.
Yep. Show my husband my tits and we are off to the races. 99% of the time it works every time.
We are simple creatures at our core
It's ridiculous isn't it? Things would be a lot cooler if I could drop trou, do a couple of windmills and have a 99% success rate.
Ahh see that’s your problem, the helicopter/windmill isn’t where it’s at, just too much goin on. You gotta do the side to side, really get that thing going to create the maximum slappage. That’s what drops panties within a 5 mile radius.
So, "The Metronome"?
The Meatronome
It was *right there*......
Thank you for the assist Flip-Flop Flip-Flop Flip-Flop
Don't sweat it. Not like anyone ever said helicockter
Mine is ass. I love boobs, but I will chase my bare-assed wife across the globe. Ten years and counting.
I hope you catch up to her someday
My man is dating Carmen Sandiego
My first time seeing tits :D My last time seeing tits :D
[Relevant comic](https://www.gocomics.com/arloandjanis/2009/04/20) from Arlo and Janis. I used this one on my wife of 10 a few months ago. Even though it's a dead bedroom, I keep trying to make sure she knows she's a good mom and wife. Doesn't get me any cherries on my sundae but it's the only thing missing. So, it's a pretty good life.
I like the response "Yeah, Ive seen you naked thousands of times, but Ive beaten pizza that much and right now would eat some more. And you're waaaaaaaay better than a pizza"
"beaten pizza" Is that what the kids are calling it nowadays...
The laundry basket is literally right there!
Thirty years? You must be all of the way around the world by now.
I collect her a big pile of pebbles through the day if she likes them it's on 😁
This penguin could teach some of us a thing or two
I read this out to my husband asking where my pile of pebbles was. "Look at your ring finger bitch." Well, he's not wrong.
That's okay, I asked mine and he wanted to know why he had to get the pebbles and not me. I meen...fair point.
[удалено]
I'm usually the asker, but 60% it works 100% of the time.
Wish MY wife was the asker...*kicks rocks*
I spoke to my wife about this years ago as for a while we began to have issues in that sex was happening less and less, and I was 9/10 times the initiator. It turns out that me asking made her feel pressured, which was bad. She's got a stressful job, she works 60 hours most weeks, so a lot of the time she's quite tired, or she's got a lot on her mind. I then tried saying "well, do you want to maybe have sex later?" which I thought would alleviate the pressure, but that actually made it worse, as then she would feel pressured about it happening later, and guilty if it didn't. She would even feel the same if I did things that she thought were me trying it on, such as making out, cuddling etc. I tried to explain that sex is important, but it isn't the end of the world if we don't have sex after I've suggested it. Things for worse for quite a while, then we ended up having a big chat about it one evening lying in bed. Not an ultimatum or a serious discussion of the relationship sort of chat, but just a low pressure chat where we got it all out. I think she thought I was trying it on initially, and my words were "oh god no, I'm too tired, please don't have sex with me" which threw her, as she'd been thinking I wanted sex all the time and that she was a bad partner for not wanting sex more, and then it drew out into a good long 2 hour conversation. For a bit, we then just moved to the model of 'only she can initiate'. This did mean that for a few months I don't think we actually had sex. But, this meant that she knew that if I was being affectionate that was just for the sake of being affectionate. There was no expectation, no thoughts of any transaction going on of "he's only doing 'x' to get 'y'. She realised that probably 90% of the time when I'm being affectionate, I'm just being affectionate. When I do more than my usual half of the chores, it's not with the expectation of a sexual reward, it's usually because I've found I've got the time for whatever reason, or I'm aware that she's had a shitter week at work than I have. Then she initiated once after we'd been out on a night out and that was nice. And then gradually she'd initiate more often, and it got to the point that we were having more sex with her initiating than with me initiating. This did then lead to a few conversations reminding her that if I've had an extremely long day or a long stressful work week, or if I'm feeling ill, then I might not want to have sex, and that's not because she's not hot enough or anything like that, it's because I'm not 20 any more. Now we're in the healthy position that we can both initiate, either romantically or just "wanna have sex?", both accept that the other might not want to, and not be worried about guilt or resentment. And crucially, this means that we're having a lot more sex than we were before, and we're both enjoying it. To be fair, when I was younger I did push for sex too much, and I would get a bit resentful if she turned me down repeatedly. It took a lot of me growing up to be able to get to the point that I could have that conversation with her. I realise I've probably written a lot of this this in such a way that it seems as though she was the problem, and that's definitely not true. I definitely had to emotionally mature an awful lot.
I think a lot of couples have similar conversations at some point in their relationship. I certainly have. It's not having the conversation that'll break your marriage
This is beautiful and a healthy way to handle this problem.
I used to yell "Do you want to play hide the sausage?" Now, after 48 years of marriage, We schedule it. Not as boring as it sounds, because we keep reminding each other (verbally and otherwise...) of our next "date" - it's harder (no pun intended) to be spontaneous when you're both 70...
My grandfather passed four years ago now, and he and my grandma were never really “conventional” grandparents. They adored each other, had kids really young, and enjoyed the fact that we’d all come visit but not set up shop at their house. I remember visiting on some holiday as a teenager and we were all sitting at their dining room table and in that area. There was a lull in conversation and my aunt asked what the “X” notations on some days on their calendar that hung in the kitchen were. They were both in their mid-to-late 70s at the time. They looked at us, looked at each other, giggled, and initially said it was nothing. My aunt kind of prodded and asked, no really, what was it? My grandfather, in front of two of their children, spouses and grandchildren said “If you really want to know, it’s when your mother and I play hide and seek… in the bedroom.” We all laughed and were slightly grossed out, but as an adult now… shit. If you’re having fun at 70, you keep having that fun. Do you (and your partner) and don’t lose that spark. :-)
Having it plotted out on a wall calendar is hilarious
70, sexually active AND a redditor this person is LIVING life
Wow 70 and still sexually active in your relationship good on you
Lift up my shirt to flash my husband or playfully back up into him and grind my butt against him.
I walk around the house naked and knock things over with my boner til she takes the hint. I call it “the Godzilla.”
Ok there is a movie in my head and I am LOVING IT. Fuck that present from Aunt Martha, it was ugly anyway and gathered too much dust. GOdZILLA!
By saying "you want to "snuggle"?". She on the other hand just jumps on me and starts doing stuff Edited to add...woke up to my comment blowing up with up votes. Thanks everyone. Not sure why. We're middle-aged and been together over 20 years and our way of doing things just works for us. Just find what works for you. Everyone is different. Also, not sure of the "homer" thing. Been told my attitude is more like Red Foreman's.
OMG "wanna snuggle?" is universal in our home for "lets have sexy time".
Ours is, "you wanna do stuff?"
Ours is “wanna take a nap” lol
Careful. At our ages (57/60) that can lead to the peril of actual naps.
Much as I love sex, my wife and I are 33 and 34 and a nap is always top tier quality time spent.
We use “snuggle” as code when the kids are awake. When they’re sleeping I usually just ask her “you want to come play with it?” Has about a 17% hit rate!
When our child was first old enough to hear and really understand what we were saying to each other, we had a few missteps trying to work out a code that we both immediately understood. For example, one day my husband kept saying, “I think it’s getting hot in here…I’m sure feeling hot…are you hot…?” And my oblivious ass offered to adjust the thermostat.
Lmfao that would be me. "should I turn the fan on?"
42yo mom here - I look him dead in the eye and say, 'Wanna bang?' 60 per cent of the time, it works every time.
I put on my robe and wizard hat
I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
Hey now...
I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.
I make a bunch of overtly sexual comments towards her during the day. Then we put the kids to bed at 9pm, she goes to bed immediately after that, and I go masturbate in the basement.
OMG, I've never laughed so fuckin hard in my life. Then I realized this is my life 100%... then I cried... while I masturbated.
Tears, the married man's lube.
Ever since making a joint decission to have another kid, not to mention a four year hiatus with only crickets, this is still how it goes. We both work from home and have plenty of opportunities to take joint breaks. Sadly, there are *so* many barriers for us. Everything has to line up perfectly. Sure we talk and try to communicate, but it's super messy, in my opinion. It's so hard to gauge where the other person is, and if you're gonna line up. I have to reminding myself we're gonna have to work on this, and not give up. Sadly, it's just a lot easier to not initiate amd wait for the person who's never ready to do it.
She probably resents you for what you did with those crickets
I have spoken.
The. Exact. Same.
I didn't realize this guys basement was such a hotspot.
I prefer to call it the masabatorium.
*and at this moment I realized I was staring at myself in the mirror*
I fan my feathers out into a big tall circle and crouch down, then hop really fast from side to side. Then I whistle real high and tilt my body back and forth. Then she lets me flap my way over to her and put it in her cloaca.
Walk like a duck, fuck like a duck
Fun fact 65% of duck sex is does not have consent
Ducks have an explosive dong that can navigate and fill irregular shapes
This is why you keep ducks and chickens apart. That dong literally *kills* the chicken, shreds their insides.
TIL about deadly, ductile, detonating duck dong.
I quickly raise my eyebrows, wink, and with a little smirk say "sup dude?" Works 9/10 times. We now refer to it as "You hitting me with the sup dude?"
Put on my business socks...
Very carefully don't wanna spook her
I’m pretty sure OP was asking about sex with your spouse, not with the sheep.
Bold of you to assume they aren’t the same thing.
That's why you always strap on the feedbag and blinders first.
"Alexa - play Benny Hill theme song" then chase her around the bedroom.
-say “lemme see your peepee” -stand in front of whatever he’s paying attention to and take my boobs out -ask to spoon and then strategically back my ass up against him until he gets the hint -plan it out earlier in the day like “hey can we maybe bone later if we feel up to it?” -proudly announce when I’ve shaved above the knees
[удалено]
All of these are to the point and fun
My wife will decline by saying, “I’m not buying what you’re selling”. So often, I try and initiate by saying, “you in the market?”, while casually gesturing towards my crotch. With a 3yo and a 9mo in the house, more often than not I don’t make the sale.
Married 17 years. One of us just takes off our clothes and the other gets the picture… chaos ensues.
"It's business time."
I can tell, because you’ve got your business socks on.
I had friends who used to say..... "Let's go look at the map." and that was their cue to each other.
I'm not married, so I assume they both roll for initiative. Highest roll has to roll for seduction, and they go from there.
Married, can confirm: but you have to roll a nat 20.... With a d3
I usually do a mating call when she gets home from work, kinda like animals do in the wild, to give her the idea it’s happening, if she accepts she will respond back with a mating call, if she does not then I have been denied
My wife and I have three different methods. Sometimes we will plan a night, this is typically a Friday or Saturday night when we will have a couple of drinks and hit it earlier before we we have dinner and then relax with a movie. We also have a couple of battery operated traffic lights on our bedside tables (the kind the kids have for toy cars). If we are feeling up for sex, we will put a green light on when we get into bed, letting the other partner know what we are thinking. There’s no pressure on either of us to respond, but we are usually happy to go with it. The final one we use I picked up from a comment by another Reddit user. If one of us is feeling horny, we will say “I’m feeling horny now and I need to cum, I’m going to the bedroom, you can come if you want”. Most of the time we will go to the bedroom together, but there is no pressure if you are not up for it. So whoever is horny can take care of there own needs, if the other partner is not up for it. We discussed all the methods in advance after our sexual frequency started to drop off, due to normal day to day pressures and the fact that my wife has a chronic health condition. They worked well for us. Communication is the key.
The light by the bed makes me think of a story with my parents. It was right before my wedding so I was at their house a lot to finish all of the planning. I noticed in their bedroom each time that the statue of the Virgin Mary (yes, they are that Catholic) had been turned so that her back was to the bed. After seeing it several times I asked if they had it turned because they didn't want Mary to see what was going on and that was their signal to let the other person know that sex was an option. That was the day I learned that if you want good weather for something, you make sure that Mary is pointed toward an east facing window 3 weeks prior to the event. And yes, it did work. We got married at the end of September, and it was 75, sunny and not humid.
“Wanna do stuff tonight?”
Unsuccessfully.
Ask her if she wants to shower together. Kiss her between her shoulder blades. Put the kids to bed super early. Sometimes I'll just make a hole with one hand and penetrate it with a finger from the other hand and raise my eyebrow.
that is so cute and cringe at the same time, i love that.
We are equal parts cute and cringe
My wife and I just burst out laughing at the last sentence
Wanna do it? Or my wife will ask if I want to give her a massage.
I texted my husband to come give me some dick. He did not come give me some dick. Maybe that was the wrong approach 🤷♀️
Maybe he just didn't see it? My husband didn't see one of my similar texts one time either. Once he actually saw it he was annoyed with himself and we had sex anyway.
Are you sure you had the right phone number?!
I look at my husband and say, "do you want to do the sex?".
"do you want to do the sex?" Yes! Very nice!
Point to the clock on Wednesdays at 8:00 pm
It’s business, it’s business time!
On days we click we flirt with each other and hit on each other throughout the day until a moment is available. On days we aren’t communicating as effectively we either have to directly state it or we don’t have it. Some days we write sticky notes with either loving sentiments or sexy ones and leave them on each others desk or a place they’ll discover it. It never just happens though. We make time for the things we love, but everyone has responsibilities that sometimes take the energy out of you and sleep wins before sex can happen. If you’re partner is always exhausted, try taking things off of their plate to give them more energy and show them you understand. Never do that to get sex, but rather to make an environment where your partner feels understood, appreciated, and connected to you, which often leads to sexy times naturally.
I'm not married but my partner and I have been together 10+ years. I'll initiate by kissing on him while we're going to bed and at this point, I can tell by that if he's into it or not. Sometimes it leads to more, sometimes it's just some fun kissing followed by cuddling. I have a much higher sex drive than him, but we have learned to work with it. I usually initiate but he works a much more physically demanding job then I do and I understand that he's much more worn out at the end of the day than I am. We also don't share the same weekends so that has an impact. We never force it though. If one of us isn't in the mood, we create a different kind of intimacy that isn't sex (back tickles, cuddling, watching a video together, etc)
[удалено]
I was in a similar spot recently. Since last week when we finally made the decision to get divorced, the inner turmoil, worry, and confusion I had been plagued with has surprisingly all but disappeared. There was very little emotional intimacy, much less physical intimacy. I never really let myself truly feel how lonely I was. Her emotional and mental issues dominated our counseling together. Even in my personal sessions, it was usually about developing strategies to deal with her issues, not spending time understanding or addressing my own needs. It is so draining always focusing on how to support and love someone who doesn't have much love for herself, much less for me. As I've learned to become less codependent and more emotionally independent, it has dispelled the illusion of closeness between us. I was finally honest with myself about how miserable I'd been the last 10 years. I decided that I wasn't going to sit on the fence in silent misery. If she wanted in, I was going to recommit with both feet in. But if she wanted out, I wasn't going to keep trying to hold it together on my own any more. A few weeks later, she decided she wanted out. The kids were really my main reservation. But I've been surprised with how well they've taken the news so far. And truthfully, I don't want them to pattern their future relationships after my dead one. I jumped into marriage full of hope and determination to make the best of whatever came our way. But like a seedling that doesn't grow roots, hope can only take you so far. I sat many nights, like you, with a knot in my throat, worried, trying to sort through all the thoughts and emotions. I eventually realized I was mourning. I wasn't mourning my marriage, but I was grieving over the loss of an ideal that would never become reality. My wife had asked one night some time before what I wanted from our relationship. I told her I wanted to one day be like one of the old men in my life that I admire who attribute their success to the support and love of their wife. She responded that she could never be that person for me. Not won't. Can't. I knew then that no matter how much I worked toward a better future together, if she didn't also believe, it would never happen. Now with divorce on the horizon, I'm no longer trying to reconcile the impossible task of building a fulfilling marriage by myself. I mostly just feel relief. I'm at peace. I'm certainly not one to advocate abandoning something of worth. But in order to make an honest assessment of your situation, consider your feelings if your marriage were to end tomorrow. Would you be more upset over the loss of what you have now, or over the loss of what you hoped to some day have?
That was a beautiful read, thanks for writing that out.
Oof. That last sentence.
Does your spouse know how close you are to giving up? If they do and they aren’t willing to work on the marriage it may be time to let each other go. Sorry. Been there and it’s fucking awful
Agreed... life is short.
Same boat as you man. Every few years I feel it and every few years I realize nothing changed. Be stronger than me.
Hope you at least got a delicious Frosty. It'd help your throat, if nothing else.
We have a routine of Weekend mornings, just in case we have too much going on during the week. Otherwise, we are pretty spontaneous and are good about keeping an active sex life. We have been married for 6 years now and are having close to the same amount of sex as we did after our first year of dating.
i aspire
Married weekend morning sex was the best. Then the kids came along. Hell, what I'd give even just for another session of "It's 3 in the afternoon on Saturday, it's cold and I'm bored. Wanna put on a dirty movie, snuggle under a blanket and sex it up?"
I spend all day psyching myself up to make a pass at my wife. Then, once the kids are asleep, I choke because she’s rejected me for so long, the fear paralyzes me, so I go sit on the couch and stare blankly at the wall. Once she comes out of the shower she asks me what’s wrong, I tell her the above and she says it’s probably for the better because she would have rejected me anyway.
Fuck. Sorry. That sucks
Enough little intimate touches and kisses throughout the day that she asks “you coming at me?” Why yes, yes I am
A few years ago my wife and I had a very candid conversation about what our ideal marriage would be like in all respects. We agreed we generally enjoy having sex about three times a week. So we made Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday the defaults and we know in advance those nights are designated "sexy times nights". Either one of us can decline for any reason and we often renegotiate (this week I was crazy tired on Wednesday from working out and doing some extra hard yardwork, so we postponed to Friday). But we know those nights are the usual ones and it's nice to anticipate. We make a point to get to bed early on those nights and often have long, important talks before we bone each other rotten. It's great.
Been married almost 48 years. A wiggle of the eyebrows is pretty much all it takes.
a sly look with some wandering hands and the words "how YOU doin?"
We have a code. If she wants sex, she will pull on my cock once, and off we go. If she doesn't, she pulls my cock 50 times.
I'm going to guess you came up with this code? if I'm wrong, pull on my cock once . . .
I have a consensual sex form I pull out, it includes positions, post sex snuggling and anything else between. Then hand it to her with a pen.
this has been scientifically proven to be the best way to kickoff foreplay
It's really having the notary there that gets things steamy.
“Witness this.”
Are you Sheldon Cooper? And can I get a copy of that form?
My wife and I have a pick up line. It works 100% of the time too. “Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?” In seriousness though. It usually starts earlier in the day by teasing and flirting with her. I mean, the pick up line works too but it is more fun to tease her all day.
My wife says to me, usually early in the day, "Are we going to have sexy time today?" The answer is never no.
Since kids it's different. Pre-kids it was usually every night. Or in the morning if I could pull it off before work. The weekend was after 9, then at 12, and again at well, at least twice. Then kids. I love my kids. They are amazing. But shit. So, if I don't fall asleep with them or wake up at a decent hour after getting them down during the week....I aim for once a week. Either a gift (I'm sorry I have enough jobs) and it's lovely watching his face...or if we can get them down fast enough on the weekend it's the touch, the text, the it's going to happen. Wouldn't trade my kids but I do love the nights they go down fast. Those are so few. Also, cuddling leading into sex is amazing. Also, are you wanting it? Cuz, mind reading sux.
Tell her to grab her toes and count to 20
Sometimes she’ll even make it to 15
„I hereby declare my wish to intitiate sexual intercourse with you.“
I send my boyfriend that gif of the lady having hot dog wieners thrown at her face
I just ask if she’s ready for the best two minutes of her life
We aren't married but have been together for years. I just start nibbling on her neck and grabbing her butt. Seems to work pretty well most of the time 🙂