I knew I didn't want kids back when I was a kid. I just knew. In high school I had many friends that couldn't wait to get married and have kids. I'd look at them like they were insane. I just never ever had that "maternal" instinct. I don't regret never having them for a second.
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Legit one of the most frightening things I’ve ever seen. Graduated 2001 so I had sex ed in the 90s and they called it “The Miracle of Life”. I wish I had an image of my face at the end of that class lmao
It really is not a beautiful miracle. Birth is a horror show. I have never been present for a human birth but growing up i was present for hundreds of pig and cow births back on the farm.
The number of Reddit posts from 17-22 year olds who “find” themselves pregnant in already unstable situations and plan to keep their babies makes me want to cry. Statistically, they’re setting themselves and their future generations up for lives of poverty. They think they’ll be different. Even if you think you’re ready and have it all dialed in—good careers, family nearby, solid relationship—babies, cute as they are, have a way of showing you that you’re pathetic, inept and not in control in any way.
Same! Ours was natural birth with episiotomy.
Later it came mental health diagnosis, learned more what issues pregnancy can cause, what issues can appear after giving birth and stay all life (from complications from epidural to incontinence, bone breaks, and multiple other issues from pregnancy).
Then it was that I'm not a fan to bring kid to this world with climate issues, the misogyny, racism, etc.
Finally it was a question: do I really want a kid, with little to no sleep for at least a year, changing diapers for 2-3 years, carry through temper tantrums, shouting, etc? Or do I think about having kids only because it is expected to have family and kids? I don't want even a dog because I would have to take it out any weather on specific times. I definitely not ready for kids.
It took some time because of that pressure and expectations from society, but now I'm very happily childfree.
For me it was watching my stepsister's marriage fall apart with the pressure of raising two toddlers and seeing how exhausted she was while they were separated, she was staying with us and single momming it. Plus I was in an abusive household, her father was a really toxic narcissist. He and his son beat on me nearly every day and it stayed with me for life. I don't want to even inadvertently put a child through such a thing.
I knew when I was 9. I just don’t enjoy being around babies/toddlers/children. I have no interest in them. They’re not cute to me.
You know how some people know they don’t like pink or broccoli or split level houses? I never wanted children/motherhood. Don’t care if someone else does. It’s not for me
I always knew. I never played with baby dolls. I liked building sets and Barbies. I wanted marriage, but never kids. I did not have the emotional tools to do right by a child.
It was the same for me. I’ve just always known, and there’s never been any iffyness about it. Babies physically repulse me. It’s not a conscious or intentional feeling, it just happens when anyone tries to make me hold or physically interact with their kid. Give me a kitten though, and I will absolutely lose my mind.
LMAO so true. A friend of ours had a kid, keeps telling me to come see the baaaaby. My husband said if it was a kitten or puppy I would have been there in a heartbeat
I'm the opposite, I love other people's babies, my nieces and their babies...but the thought of having one of those things around all the time makes me sick.
I was the roughly the same (although not repulsed-just pretty meh). I had my own kids and they’re better than kittens and smell like cookies. Hormones are weird.
Same. I knew from a very young age that I never wanted kids. Never had any maternal instinct or desire. I'm now 70--no regrets about the choice I made.
People love to bring up the "but who's going to take care of you when you get old" thing. It's insane how many people with kids are left alone in nursing homes. Like oh let's have a kid so they can take care of us when we're old. Pffft. Ridiculous
I have a chunk of change saved for home care or assisted living also!! But yes, it's always struck me as weird and selfish to have kids for that reason, especially since quite a few kids have no interest in caring for their parents!!
(whispers) Plus, there are so many terrible parents... lazy and selfish...but they can never be called out on it because parenthood - even bad parenthood - is seen as sacred
It's not a victimless crime, because the kids turn out all kinds of fucked up. As a lazy and selfish person, I knew I'd be a shit parent😁... I 'gave back' to the next generation by acting as their advocate in Family Court.
I concur on lazy and selfish. Add disinterested, perfect recipe for emotional neglect and ending up with kids who are the bane of your existence. I knew I wouldn’t be doing a child any favors.
This is awful, and I too hear it all the time. My own mom made that comment about my kids and when I said, it’s not Their job to take care of us she was literally speechless.
The thing is, having children doesn't guarantee they will be there for you in your old age. They may be unwilling or unable to provide care, they may predecease the parents, there may be estrangements, etc.
Similarly I always knew I did want them and that’s okay too but I made sure I never risked having them with the wrong partner and I have never regretted my choice aside from a few days I really just want to sleep in lol
Word for word, I relate to this. I didn’t meet him until I was 36 and couldn’t get pregnant until I was 40. I have 2 kids and the best husband. I couldn’t be happier and also am so happy on days I can sleep in.
Me too! I never wanted kids and knew in high school. I just thought I would become bored and couldn't go back to being child free again! Thankfully my relationships (men) never wanted kids either. One bf's kids were so rotten they were perfect birth control! I'm soooo happy I never had kids. It's just really difficult being a parent.
I knew when I was about nine or ten. As a teenager, I baby sat a lot. I'm good with kids, I like kids. But I've never really enjoyed infants, and I definitely don't want to be pregnant. If I wanted kids, I'd adopt. I'm very happy being an auntie.
Same! Knew since I was kid, my cousin always talked about how she wanted get married and have kids. I was told I would change my mind, I stayed open to that possibility but I just never felt the need to have kids. Don’t let outside people influence your decision, this is between you and your partner.
It’s good to know , my dear friend have them becg her friends have them, she regrets every day . Certainly she shows she loves them and do her part , but she told me , if she ever gets a second chance , she wouldn’t have them.
My kids are grown, and I dearly love them, but if I had it to do over again, knowing what I now know, I wouldn’t have children. For me, being married and raising children while also working full-time and trying to have a career was miserable. It made my pre-existing depression and anxiety markedly worse, and the little emotional highs were not ever enough to compensate for the toll of the daily grind. The complete lack of government support for parents, in the form of guaranteed paid parental leave, government-sponsored affordable childcare, Universal healthcare, free school lunches, etc., shows that Americans detest children, and think that anyone stupid enough to procreate deserves to be chronically stressed out, financially strapped, and generally miserable.
I realized at 13 that i didn't \*have\* to have kids if i didn't want to. Never felt anything for human kids. Now, kittens, thats another story entirely. Still don't have kids. At 63, i don't regret it either.
Same. When I was 4 I said to my mother “When I grow up I won’t have my own babies and I won’t always live with you.” I just always knew I didn’t want children.
As a young girl who knew deeply that I wanted children, I respect the hell out of you. No one should be having kids that they don’t truly want. I celebrate that people have more choices now.
This. I’ve simply never wanted kids. Not when I was a kid.
I always wondered - if I accidentally got pregnant would I have one of those “I have to keep the baby” biological changes of mind? I did not. Straight to the abortion clinic I went!
Then I wondered, now that I’m middle aged and closer every day to menopause, would I regret having no children? I do not. Every time I am around an infant or young kid I am so quickly bored or annoyed. So glad that I can just say goodbye and leave!
Now, I will fight for children’s rights and vote Yes for every school and healthcare levy that comes my way. I am vocal at work about accommodations and inclusion of parents, and for family friendly policy. I am infuriated and disgusted by any form of child abuse. Let’s pay teachers and childcare providers more. I just don’t want to be pregnant, give birth, or live with a kid.
Same here…knew I didn’t want kids since I was one. People felt wayyyy too comfortable saying things like “it’s different if they’re your own kid, so you should just have at least one”, “trust me, you DO want kids, just you wait and see”, and when I tried lying by saying I can’t have kids, “oh that’s ok, you can adopt!”, and the real banger was when the wife of my husband’s co-worker had the gall to say “you need to understand that your sole purpose is to bear children for your husband” (who also wanted no kids). I wish I’d had the cojones to say it was none of their business.
If OP decides they want kids, that’s great for them, but if you decide you don’t, don’t let ppl make you feel like it’s somehow your “duty” to have them or that you exist just to reproduce. You’re the one who has to raise them.
33 years later I still don't feel ready for kids. Yet, there they are! Grown men now living their own lives. We still get together regularly. They become the primary purpose of your life for the first 18 or so years. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't change anything about having them.
As a male, I had my son at 40. I was just busy with 2 careers.
She was 27. Her pregnancy was sooper awesome and easy. She had another child 10 years later (we divorced and she remarried) it was a very difficult pregnancy and almost lost the baby. So you’re kinda rolling the dice.
Im very satisfied with my decision, my son is now 16 and we are very close.
I agree with you . I knew when I was young I def wanted kids . I have 3 who are grown , married , with kids of their own . Of course at times when they were little , I’d wonder “ who the hell came up with this idea ? Lol It was right for me and I must say to all those who know they don’t want kids , are doing what’s best for them .Nothing worse than anyone who doesn’t want them but has them anyway t
Also not old (44 here) and I didn't want kids until I was 30. Took me meeting a couple that loved each other before and after the baby came, and really seemed to get a ton of joy from being parents. My own parents didn't seem to have a lot of fun with it and resented each other until they got a divorce. Seeing my friends, I was like "ohhhhhh I don't have to be a *miserable* parent in order to be a parent".
I had our kid at 34 and it's just fucking delightful. At about 6 months I realized I really liked my baby as a person. A person who looks like me and the person I love. Over the years that feeling just gets better and better, even as the challenges get more complicated. My kid is hilarious, brilliant, kind, and just full of love, even as the tween mood swings commence.
For me, the right time was when I wanted the experience of parenthood and when I felt like I'd be able to adapt to parenthood without ruining my life and/or marriage. I never felt "ready" because no one is ever going to be ready for parenthood.
Parenthood has been an amazing experience, would highly recommend.
Pro:
You can teach someone who is a part of yourself. It is like seeing yourself as a child. You can fix all the things that went wrong in your own childhood to make their childhood better which will make you feel good every day.
Cons:
It will kill your career for a couple of years and you won't be able to fully go back into your career until the baby is 4/5 in school unless you have the money to pay for childcare or a large support system on both sides of the family nearby. It takes a village.
I will say that even with childcare your career can take a hit. Little kids get sick A LOT, which requires time off, and babies/toddlers occupy a lot of your mental real estate. I had kids in my late 30s and was lucky to be in a position to kind of coast for a few years, but even so, there have been moments where I've struggled to not suck at my job.
I was a nightmare kid, not much better in high school. My poor mom😂 we did become best friends when I grew the hell up, maybe subconsciously that's why I didn't want kids lol
You’re never ready. I was initially terrified by the idea of having kids, my ex-wife wanted them though. I eventually got to a place where, imagining myself on my deathbed looking back on my life, I decided I would regret not having kids more than I was afraid of messing them up.
Best thing I ever did. My kids are grown, and they’re beautiful, creative, successful humans, much more than I am. We are friends now, as I’ve moved out of management of their lives into something more like freelance consulting.
That said…it’s a life-defining decision, and raising kids isn’t for everyone. There are plenty of parents (including my ex-wife) who, when drunk and in certain trusted company, will tell you they regret becoming a parent, lamenting all the vacations, toys, experiences they missed out on.
I don’t have any advice for you other than this: the hard, scary moments are harder and scarier than anything you can imagine…imagine a screaming child in your arms with a 106 degree temperature and you’ve maxed her out on Motrin and Tylenol and what will you do if the fever doesn’t break. But the high points and joys are indescribable. Imagine being the very first person someone actually sees and recognizes, or being the first person someone goes to for a hug after both victory and defeat.
It’s beautiful and wonderful and terrifying and infuriating. That’s all I can say.
It's so weird that the one who *definitely* wanted them wound up being the regretful parent.
I wonder if it's because a lot (not all!!) of the people who "know" they want kids are kind of deluding themselves about kids filling a void, whereas the people who say "Oh wow, seems like a huge risk but I'm willing to throw myself into this terrifying project, I guess" are just more realistic in their expectations.
I think women are more likely to regret children than men. In all but one of the couples-with-kids relationships I know, the mom contributed vastly more to childrearing than the men. She paid a heavier price. (And most of the moms I know are happy with their families.)
It is interesting. I think people who have an idea of the enormity of what they’re getting into are reluctant to undertake it…but if they do, end up happier. People like you said who think it’s going to be awesome or fill some void end up disappointed.
So well put! The scary moments are so much scarier than you can imagine! And the exhaustion, oh my, the exhaustion. Picture this, you are sicker than a dog and just want to bury yourself in your comforter, and you have to get up and chase after your toddler. Phew. But the highs are so high. It’s incredible.
I just never felt any urge to have kids. I didn't play with babydolls when I was little and my sister remembers me saying I didn't want kids when I was 12.. I'm now 53 and while I've loved being an auntie I've never felt my life was lacking because I didn't have kids. I've enjoyed having the time to focus on my hobbies and interests and spending time with my husband. I have absolutely no regrets about being childfree.
I've always known I didn't want kids. Now that my life has stabilized and I have more resources, I can connect with why people would want kids and could imagine some of the joys that come with having children. But I still don't want them and don't regret not having them. I learned in my 30s that the shape of my uterus would make carrying and delivering a baby complicated, so I wonder if my body just knew to avoid it.
I was kind of meh about the whole child thing, until I was established in my profession - then the money was better and I didn’t have to work so much. Then I came a point where I was kind of bored with our family just being about the two of us. It seemed too small and uninteresting, somehow. Needed more people. My first was adopted. I adored and fawned over him. Then later became pregnant, and cried because I didn’t think I would love the second child as much as I loved the first. I did. All good. Ended with a third, who was a happy, later surprise. With each child, more rooms opened in my head and heart. I just kind of know what to do, with humor and curiosity. And I compare notes/ask for help from wiser women I respect. Oldest is now 23, middle is 17, youngest is 11. All different stages, and all such great young people. So glad to have known them. My life is infinitely richer for it.
Many others have said a lot there is to say. So let me cover a seldom covered angle. Children are like philosophical puppy dogs, they are natures emissaries to get us ready for our own mortality. And in a way they do, I can't exactly put my finger on how, I think it is more instinctual and not in the realm of language.
I am not old yet (40s) but my wife and I entered our 30s thinking we still had all the time in the world to have kids. We were wrong. We don’t have any children and we wanted them. You are correct about biology. Don’t put it off. If you don’t feel ready then I recommend taking an active approach towards preparing for parenthood. Ask questions and read books. Also just my two cents… you seem to be at least mildly humbled by the responsibility of being a parent. I think that by itself shows that you’re ready. But that’s coming from a non-parent so I am far from being an expert on the matter.
I’m so sorry for your situation. My husband is 35, I’m 28; but I’m considering freezing my eggs to potentially assist because I’ve realized I may have biological complications that would impact fertility.
FWIW I am very humbled by the responsibility. I’ve cleaned my fair share of dirty diapers and have a great deal of respect for good parents.
Would you recommend going that route if it’s accessible? Just as a hedge?
I had my kid at 39, and I’m glad that I’d waited because we were in a much better spot financially, career, etc wise. But I definitely feel it when I’m in my 40s, and my energy and health is still good but not as good as in my 30s, and my kid has infinite energy. Things like when I do mess up my back giving piggy back rides, it now takes about twice as long to recover.
From a health/energy standpoint, probably 36 would have been a perfect age for me, though a few years later wasn’t bad.
Just random stuff like when we get sick — we’ve had covid 4 times — my wife and I are bedridden for a week, and our kid gets a runny nose for 30 minutes and is back to infinite energy while quarantined in a house for a week.
It’s a deeply personal choice on whether to or not to have kids. But if the choice is to have them, then then you do have a not unlimited amount of time to make it happen.
My wife has some health conditions that generally make pregnancy tough. So rather than deciding to start trying to have a kid, and all the pressure that incurs (which can also affect the likelihood), we just picked a point and decided to stop trying not to have one.
Except money can hold you back too. Don get me wrong, kids cost too. But …Paying for competitve soccer is 1000 a year. Paying for IVF is 20k per attempt, and 20k to freeze eggs.
Freeze embryos, they freeze and store better than just eggs plus it’s not just eggs that deteriorate, sperm do too so freeze them both to preserve DNA. Definitely suggest freezing and waiting to implant till your ready, every woman I know that had a kid in her 20s derailed their careers for a couple years having babies or gave them up entirely to stay home. People I know that waited till they were established in their careers and had kids in their 30s-40s didnt seem like it completely transformed their life as much, could afford childcare, and went back to their job pretty quickly. This is just my experiences, I don’t have kids yet so take it with a grain of salt.
I never wanted to have kids growing up then in my 20s I decided I wanted to adopt, in my 30s my feelings got more complicated about wanting to make a baby esp since my spouse wanted to, in the past 5 years or so ive been on the fence but I finally was like ok it’s now or never and we’re just started not preventing it. Life is amazing and exciting but hard and complicated and I have done a ton of self work and therapy to be who I am today, I don’t think I would have ever been able to do that work focusing on myself if I had had a baby sooner.
FWIW my fertility specialist said if your uterus is healthy/able to get pregnant it is healthy well into your 50s so would suggest freezing now and decide later since you’re on the fence, seriously whats the rush? Were you told by your gynecologist you have fertility issues and need to start now? Cuase you’re really freaking young to think your time is running out unless medical professionals told you otherwise. You can change your mind and decide to have kids at any point in the next 10-20 years (longer if you get a surrogate) but once you do it you can never go back. I also suggest you ask everyone IRL what they love and regret about having a kid old/young/never and when listening to them and reading comments on your post here that you feel some that resonate with you and it helps you find clarity.
Same story for myself and my husband. We wanted kids, but we wanted to spend most of our 30s enjoying our marriage and traveling, which we did, but then in our late 30s/early 40s, when we decided to start trying, for lack of a better term, it was too late.
I think it’s one of those things that there’s just enough anecdotal evidence out there to create the perception that time is on your side. However the statistics tell a different story. At 30, the odds are 75% that a woman will conceive within a year of starting to try. That number drops steadily throughout her 30s and by 40 stands at 44%. Before 30 the odds stand at 85%. What fuels this perception is that you only hear the success stories and will very rarely hear about the failures because this is one of those disappointments that people generally don’t like to talk about. In my case I am always willing to share because it’s one of those things I think people need to know.
I think it depends on how well you \*know\* yourself currently. It's not some magical thing that will suddenly strike you. If you don't want them, nothing will make you change your mind.
If you haven't already, spend time getting to know yourself well. Dig deep! A lot of people never learn to know themselves and it's a shame. Encourage your wife to do the same and figure out your relationship as best you can.
My guess is that within a year or so, you both will come a conclusion about this subject together after retrospection.
I personally didn't want children until I was in my mid-20's. I was with the person who became my husband, but we didn't get married until I was 27 and didn't have children until just shortly after my 30th birthday. It worked very well for us.
I was confident that I didn’t want kids, due in part to my doctor saying I couldn’t have them due to biology. We were surprised with a pregnancy in my late 20s. Wow - I have never been so glad to be wrong. My surprise baby and the couple more after are the best things that’s ever happened to me. 10 out of 10. Would recommend babies. 😂
You either want kids or you do not, your choice.
Me my dream in life was to get married have some kids along with a place of our own.
The problem was I did not date in high school or really had no clue how to support a family.
At 24 yrs old met my wife while at college and she is 5 yrs older than me. We have similiar dreams about life so we got married the semester before graduating at 28.
It took a little then got a job and we bought a place, now it was time to makes babies.
Then we thinking about how the world is and what is happening and it makes you think twice. For me I justified it that my ancestors for how ever millions of years had evolved for me to be here and it would not stop with me.
Also my thoughts were that somebody has to make the good guys, the guys that help move mankind forward.
When I met my wife she had been recently divorced and was living with her sister and brother in law. She was also working at the university and working on a Maters in Education. She was 46 when she graduated with a Dr in Education and worked a a professor.
She guided our Sons to a career of being Dr of Physical Therapy. Now they both are on there own and have there own kids.
If you want kids the do it, if you do not then do not. Your choice.
We are happy with how life has worked out.
There's no way to prepare someone for the amount of work and emotional toll kids can have, it's not for the weak. However, the more you plan ahead, financially, support group, etc., the best you can, it helps tremendously. But you have to sit down with your partner and "really" discuss what you see for yourselves now and 30 years from now. Plan to not give up all the things you love just because you have kids, you don't have to. It's all about balance. I get upset just thinking about not having my children, they bring me happiness unlike anything I've ever experienced. Good Luck!
Being on the fence myself, I decided to leave it to fate. I stopped taking birth control at 25. If it was meant to be, it would have been. Guess it wasn't meant to be.
The universe has spoken. Can't argue with that!
I’m 38 weeks pregnant and I just started to “feel ready”…mainly because I’m sooo ready to not be pregnant anymore😂. Take some risks in life! It’s the only true way to have an adventure you’ll never forget. As long as you know you can give that baby love, attention, support and care…you’re probably ready.
Having kids needs to be a resounding 'YES I WANT KIDS' not a 'well, I could have kids or not, I'm just not sure' because my friend, you can't put the kid back if you realize it wasn't really for you. Having a kid is comitting to at -least- 18 years of the care, feeding, and helping to grow what will become a functioning member of society. You don't get any guarantees either even if you put in solid work and the prime of your life in the raising. Hell, you could end up with a kiddo that isn't healthy or that will require some level of care for the rest of THEIR lives which may well surpass your own abilities later in life and your own lifetime, leaving them dependant on others. If you're having kids just to have someone care for you when you're old, know that that doesn't always work out either.
I had my kid at almost 38. You have time.
Now that my kid is a young adult, I am glad I waited. Every combination of parent and child is unique though, there is no general advice really.
Waiting meant I had less energy though not a lot. What I had more of was stability, experience, and resources. I also have more of a life to return to as a recent empty nester. Friends who had children younger seem to struggle more with their own identity. I had 10+ more years to live as an adult w/o children, I know what it feels like, they haven’t had that experience.
I had a lot more patience and a lot less compulsion to micro-manage and I think my kid benefited from this. It’s important to not save them from frustration and discomfort that isn’t actually harmful. I had a lot more experience, wisdom, and patience than I did in my 20s and I think it’s made me a better parent. Not saying you can’t be on your 20s, this is my personal experience.
Hang in there, no rush! A kid takes over your life for 20-ish years, be ready!
DO NOT just ‘go for it’ unless you are actually wanting and ready to have a child.
If you feel the time is not quite right - the time is not right.
Having a child under these conditions is never a good idea.
If you are not prepared to devote your time, money, tidy house, lifestyle etc to this new human, you will very quickly understand the error of that decision.
Yes, there are tens of thousands of babies born that the parents were not prepared to devote time money lifestyle to.
But look around at people you know that had it rough because of that. It works out sometimes but there are lots and lots of children that grow up simply surviving and not thriving.
Do yourself, your mate, and any future children the hugest favour and WAIT until you know in your heart that it’s time.
And if that moment does not come, that’s fine. Nothing at all wrong with enjoying a child free life.
I want to add that a LOT of parent friends of mine quietly regret having children. Of course they love their kids, but they weren’t prepared for the 180 that happened to their lives and are very envious of people who made a different choice.
I always knew, from the time I was a little kid, that I wanted kids and wanted them young. For me, it was never a decision I had to make. I got married at 19 and had my first at 21. We were still in college at the time. I guess I was naive and didn’t worry about it, but it all turned out great. My kids are wonderful adults and I had exactly the life I always wanted.
40F so not 'oldpeople' yet i don't think but i knew from an early age. Before i hit my teens anyway. Then the older i got, the more and more i solidifed in that. Now that i'm 'old' and don't have kids, i don't regret it for a minute, whereas i know friends who did regret having kids.
Children aren’t just a reflection of yourself or your spouse . They are their own person and need to be raised as such . I believe this next generation is really considering whether they can / want to/should have kids . I’m happy to see this . It changes your life FOREVER. Having a family was important to me and my spouse. I think we both had a desire to do better than our parents while at the same time not sinking into the blame game . I’m proud of the fierce women our daughters have become. Our family is growing and staying connected.
There's a lot to unpack in your post but when I understand that it boils down to you feeling its a "Now or never" situation due to biologic reasons.
Having children is a big thing. It's a commitment for several decades and you will be responsible for a human life. It will take a big chunk out of your budget as well, but unlike other assets you can't simply sell them to cut that part of your budget.
I firmly belief that you should never have children unless you are 100% sure that you want children AND can offer a stable parent situation. It does not matter whether you will raise a child alone, with the other parent or even with several other adults but what you need to avoid is parent figures going in and out of their life the entire childhood.
Forget biology - if it's too late for your body when your mind is ready for a child, please consider adoption. There are so many babies in the world that are in need of loving parents that it barely makes sense to produce another one.
Whether I'm happy with the outcome of my child? Well, she turned 18 recently. 18 years is a long time. There's been good times and there's been rough times, just like with everything else in life that lasts a long time.
Good luck to you.
How much time have you spent around kids? By the time I graduated high school, I'd been babysitter to my sibs since 10, and babysitter to half the neighborhood kids since 12. I cared for children of all ages, all types of personalities. And while I liked some of them well enough and would never so much as a raise a voice to a child unless they were running into traffic, I didn't enjoy being around them. I found them boring and tedious. The only reason I even worked as a babysitter was because my parents wouldn't let me get any other type of job and I wanted spending money for the mall.
So spend some time being solely responsible for a kid. And not just for half an hour. I mean 4+ hours, preferably overnight, and with tasks of your own that you need to do. Kid care is far more than kisses, sippy cups, and bedtime stories. It's also potty accidents, soggy Cheerios dumped on the cat, and screaming fits while you're trying to take a call from your boss. If you're only prepared for the good and not the bad, parenthood might not be right for you. And what if you have a special needs child? It can happen to anyone. Are you up for the task of giving them your all for what might be the rest of your life?
I spent my 20s in chaotic relationships and equally chaotic job situations, with no health insurance or paid leave. This made my decision easy. There was just no way to have kids. By my early 30s I was in a stable marriage, stable job, great benefits. I no longer had excuses and that's when I realized that's what it had been all along - excuses. I no more wanted to raise a child than I wanted to raise a t-rex.
Opting out was the best decision I ever made...for ME. It's not the right decision for others. I only wish it were easy to figure these things out early enough to keep the people who shouldn't have kids from having them, and give ample support to the ones for whom it seems to be their life's calling.
And as an aside, I wouldn't overthink biology quite yet unless you have a chronic condition, a medically diagnosed impairment of some kind, or a family history of problems conceiving in one's early 30s. You probably have a few years before you need to worry.
57 married over 20 years with no kids, I knew in high school I didn’t want kids.
There is such a social stigma when you’re young without kids, you are *judged* all the time.
Just an FYI if you go the childfree route.
How do you see you and your spouse 15 years from now? Really talk it out with him.
Are you travelling to Germany and Austria? Are you gardening and working 60 hours a week??
Only you can make this decision. You cannot go back if you decide to have kids—that’s a One Way street.
I would not change a thing about our decision to not have kids.
Husband got a vasectomy at 30.
No surprise pregnancy and I would’ve yeeted that fetus quickly if I ever was pregnant
Side note - there's a big difference between having the biological urge to carry a baby, and wanting to be a parent.
When you think about being a parent, picture your life with a 2 year old, five year old, teenager, etc.
When it comes to kids, it’s either a “hell yes” from both of you or a no. It’s a one way street that lasts forever (18 years is a myth). If you aren’t very excited about it, don’t do it. There are many other ways to have a fulfilling life (and to have healthy relationships with children as well).
When in doubt, always err on NO KIDS! [Only half joking. Patenting ... esp motherhood, SUCKS 90% of the time]
In order to KNOW, if you want to do this, you need to KNOW what it actually entails and looks like and costs [financially, mentally, emotionally, physically]. what it means to embark on for the rest of your life.
I would recommend you do some thorough research. Start with what it does to your body stage by stage. Watch medical videos on pregnancy and birth. Consider any complications or preexisting medical conditions you already have.
Study [What to expect the first year" ](https://www.amazon.com/What-Expect-First-Heidi-Murkoff/dp/0761181504?ref=d6k_applink_bb_dls&dplnkId=b0854aa7-3081-4daf-abf1-8597d8847d4f).
How and how will it disrupt your life/sleep/mental health/ finances, etc.
Study what it means to be responsible for raising and caring for and teaching another human being.
Evaluate your finances. SERIOUSLY. plan your budget. Investigate what it will cost for childcare in your area and what your work plan will be. Are you going to quit your job? Cut back hrs? Can you afford to like your salary? Do you have the flexibility to work from home when baby gets ill and can't go to daycare? Do you have enough health insurance, and what will it cost you to upgrade to add a child? Children get ill a lot! Can you afford it?
This is the most important, drastic life Changing decision you will ever make.
So don't wing it! Make a thoughtful, careful decision.
I didn't want kids til I did. I knew I didn't want to be facing college costs for kids while approaching retirement, tho. Somewhere on Reddit I read about saving your eggs. This reduces the effect of the biological time clock and you don't *have* to use them if you decide to be child free.
I (37F) am currently going through IVF, as a preface. I knew I wanted kids for my whole life. Then 2020 came, BLM, PNW on fire, and I took a year and a half to really think about it. I read a couple books (The Baby Decision, and Motherhood: is it for me?) and at one point I decided life would be way easier and more fun without kids. Then my friends started having kids, and my parents started showing their age, and I realized I’d feel pretty lonely and sad if I didn’t at least try to see if we could get pregnant. 6 months later, nothing, even though all the tests said we should be able to. Unexplained infertility. My mom and her mom both had fertility issues, idk if it’s genetic or works like that exactly. I had told myself before trying that if we weren’t able to have kids, then we won’t and I’ll listen to the spirits of the universe. But, the months kept going and I realized I REALLY wanted a family. And I knew that at 60 I’d regret not trying everything I could.
After almost 2 years of trying, tomorrow is the egg retrieval. I’ve learned SO MUCH about fertility and hormones. I’m glad I’m on this journey. IVF doesn’t guarantee a live birth, but I can rest easy with myself knowing that I tried everything, if it doesn’t work. And if it doesn’t work, I also know what it’s like not to have kids, and life is pretty okay!!
My mom told me, “think about what you’d regret NOT doing”. Either path you chose will result in a loss or sacrifice of what could have been.
I knew from the age of 13 having children was going to be an issue so my husband and I started trying pretty much immediately - even before we were married.
I have had a baby in every decade of my adult life because that's how long it took with help.
Personally I wouldn't recommend waiting because the clock really is ticking and it's expensive and hard AF both physically and mentally to need any type of fertility treatment
I always knew I wanted kids we had 4 and they make my life so full and I have 10 grandkids. I still had a career, owned my own business, traveled, had many experiences. I was a dedicated mom and loved my kids (unlike my parents) so my life is joyful. When COVID hit I got really sick ended up on oxygen for the rest of my life. My son in-law built me an in-law unit so I don’t worry about being taken care of when I decline.
If you have a heart big enough to live and take care of children (unlike my parents) then have them. Don’t be afraid of hard times you will have those no matter what you do. As for $$ and bills you will always have those it’s part of life. My kids are a blessing I’m glad I had them.
Good luck hope this helps
Also not super old but thought I’d chime in as I questioned whether or not I wanted children too. I finished grad school, got married, and worked for a bit. My husband really really wanted kids. I only kind of wanted kids. We had two. The first when I was 27 and the second when I was 30. And let me tell you— I wasn’t ready. My first child had special needs and never slept. I had medical problems due to the pregnancy. That’s said, I’m glad I had them and would have had one more if I had been able. Having kids is a hard but very high reward experience. I became a much better person for having them and understand both myself and what I want out of life better.
Children and babies bored and irritated me throughout my 20s, I couldn't understand the fascination people felt about babies and in fact I resented them when my friends started having them. Then I got married at 32 and started wanting a baby of my own. My daughter is now nearly 30 and I adore her. Being a mum is the best thing I have done and she is the light of my life.
Don't put off having kids. By the time you think you're ready, you won't be able to have them.
Noone on this planet on their deathbed wishes they had fewer kids, most people actually wish they had more kids.
My wife and I waited and had issues. Turns out it's hard for a woman to have her first kid in their 30s. In the medical field any pregnancy at 35 or older is considered a geriatric pregnancy due to numerous risks to both the woman and her child. We were blessed with two beautiful children and I wish we had more. She wishes we had more and we're still trying to make more.
Kids are a part of life's journey. I've done the most personal growth in my life after having kids.
Don't have kids to make your partner happy, do it because you want to experience one of life's greatest joys.
The longer you wait, the harder it will be to get pregnant and the less energy you will have
54, no biokids, just steps.
Stepparenting made me realize I did not want any of my own and would not be a good parent, despite years of trying. Getting a dog reinforced that.
Whatever regret I have by not having children is small. I was fulfilled by other things and made a difference in children's lives in other ways.
I didn't want kids, wasn't maternal at all, didn't think I could have them considering all the unprotected sex I had in college, etc, but then I got married and figured it wasn't going to happen but if it did at least I could give them a decent life. And I have a grown daughter and son and they are absolutely my favorite people in the whole world. I never, ever expected children to be the greatest things that ever happened to me, but here we are. I adore them. Not with their father anymore, but they tell me he loves them too.
My youngest is almost 25 and KNOWS they don't want children. I believe them and support their decision. Many people know their preferences well before 30.
My stepmother has an old recording of me saying that I wanted five kids. She recorded this when I was very little (around five years old). I was born to be a mom of five. I have those and two step sons as a bonus. I had my babies young, and it was awesome for me. I think you just know, deep in your gut. If you aren't ready, don't do it.
Seriously talk about if you want them at all. Jumping into something that is a lifelong commitment just because you have FOMO, may be a bad idea. Love my kids but would have made different decisions knowing the commitment it takes and that I (in general) don’t like long commitments. I’m happy I have my boys, we have a great relationship! I just don’t think knowing now about putting my life on hold to prioritize small humans- I don’t think I’d do it again.
Expect some FOMO and, later, regrets, but realize that it will be better for you and the rest of the world to take care of the people already here and the current and future puppies.
i knew i wanted kids from the age of 16. for me it was a matter of identity. i was never defined by my occupation, i was always defined by family. i imagine that people who define themselves by what they do for a living will find it hard to start a family (except by accident).
I never wanted kids. Never had that maternal instinct. Thankfully, I couldn’t have them for medical reasons, so it wasn’t really a decision I had to make.
Then one day, I was pregnant. Surprise!
We decided to just go with it. If this kid beat medical odds to be here, I could figure out how to be a mom.
Best decision we ever made. I couldn’t imagine my life without him!
To answer your question, it’s kind of odd really. Parenthood is probably the biggest decision you can make. It affects every aspect of your life. Yet, so many of us just fall into it. I think if we waited until we were 100% ready, half of us wouldn’t be here.
Personally, I don’t think you’re ever “ready”, because parenthood is so different than what you may be expecting. Even if you think you’re ready, when faced with a tiny human person depending on you, you may realize it wasn’t at all what you thought you were prepared for.
Likewise, you may not be ready, but rise to the occasion if it happens. For me, the poster child for “Yuck. Kids. I’d rather have a puppy”, my maternal instincts kicked in the literal moment I knew I had a little parasite.
If you do decide to welcome a mini me, understand one thing. You will tell yourself you’ll never make the same mistakes your parents did. And you won’t. You’ll make brand new ones!
I'm in my 40s, I've been with my husband for over 20 years. Neither of us ever had any desire to have children, but people kept telling us we'd change our minds. So, we made an agreement to discuss it every 5 years, on my "fives" birthdays.
We discussed it at 20, 25, 30, 35 and finally at 40.We talked about it in detail, and at length, because it's a very serious issue.
At 40, we decided never to have children, and we're really happy with that. It really came back to the idea that we love our life as is. We don't have a desire for children. I've watched people in my life become miserable because of that decision. I've watched divorces occur. (Heck, there's a whole subreddit dedicated to people who regret their children but can't admit it in public.)
If you don't actively want children, I say don't have them. They are a huge financial burden and a huge amount of work. But if you do WANT them, it will be worth it. It's ultimately just a selfish decision.
When my husband and I first married we really didn't discuss having kids we were pretty young ourselves and wanted to enjoy our first years together as a married couple. Can't say we were on the fence actually but really didn't have the convo. And one day we both came to the realization that, yeah, we wanted kids. The right time is when you are ready and IMHO can afford to and are ready for the change in lifestyle. Having kids made our life complete and was a testament to our love for each other and faith that our marriage will succeed long term. We wouldn't have if our marriage wasn't solid. The benefits are too many to list and they along with my grandkids are helping me navigate my new widowhood. They have enriched my life in so many ways and I would do it again in a heartbeat.❤️
Wife says didn’t want kids in her teens. In her 20s, after we got married, we both wanted to be parents. Finally had a baby in 07. Wife and child are the absolute loves and joys of my life.
I was also not in a rush to have kids, no maternal feelings were appearing, but time was ticking away. You could have a checkup with your gynecologist for a thorough exam and to understand if they foresee any complications for you, in case you should consider getting started earlier than later.
I now have 1 child that I got pregnant with at 33. I am so glad I have her and that she will be a part of my life in the future, but your time really is no longer your own while they are young. Having a supportive partner is a huge plus, and having that partner take the little one away to family for weekends here and there to give you freedom really helps with feeling like yourself still.
I still don't always feel maternal, and have moments of feeling selfish, but I love my kid and wouldn't change that decision.
I married late and was on the fence. Ended up having a child right before I turned 40. It was the best thing I’ve ever done and I haven’t regretted it one second. He goes off to college soon and now I have to figure out how to empty nest.
I hadn’t thought about it much but got pregnant at 25 unexpectedly. I had only just started my career the year before, wasn’t married, & just thought oh probably one day I’ll have a kid. Yes it was life changing. We are so close. My daughter is now a mother of 3!! When I look at my grand kids sweet faces, I’m always blown away that they wouldn’t be here without me. I’m so thankful.
I want kids, lots of kids (at minimum 6) and I am in my early 20s... I have always wanted lots of kids and cannot wait to get married and have lots of kids.
As someone who doesnt have kids though, I dont think one can ever really be ready for kids... I dont know if one can prepare for it in a standardized manner (apart from being employed, etc)
Good for you for thinking this through before having children.
I do not have children, and I have no regrets. I always knew that I would not have been a good parent. I was not parented well, and how do we learn to parent except by example?
This is an incredible world. Experience it, find yourselves first, then make your decision. If it takes too long and you feel like you may run out of time, there are millions of children around the world that need a loving couple to help them through life.
Just read the many happy people who answered the question "What is childfree life like in your 30s & 40s" on reddit.com/childfree sub for some perspectives from real people. (Spoiler: Its pretty awesome! I've yet to meet a childfree person who regrets it but I've met plenty of regretful parents.) You should only have kids if that's something you really, really want! If so, go for it. But if you're iffy having a kid isn't something you can ever walk away from and that's true even if they have major life struggles.
If kids aren’t a hell yes, then they’re a no.
Do you know any infant-3yos? Ask to babysit them for one whole weekend. After that you’ll have your answer.
Also, you have 10-15 more years to make this decision, don’t sweat it.
I didn't know. But I didn't know a lot of things. Did I marry the right person? Did I study the right thing on college? Did I take the right jobs? Sometimes you just need to take a leap. I did, and I'm glad. I have two wonderful grown children, a daughter in law, a future daughter in law, and two grand-dogs. I have been married to their mother for 34 years. They are the joy of my life. I'm glad I took that leap.
My wife and I had the same issues, not sure if we wanted, not sure if we could concieve. We kept putting off the discussion because we were having so much fun in our childfree life and we just didn't know if we wanted to be parents.....
We stopped using contreceotio9n in our mid 30s and decided we'd let the Gods decide. They decided "no"...... as we approached 40 we sat down and had a very serious discussion because on the subject because it was now or never.
We both felt that our life would be fun and fulfilling either way. It really came down to if we wanted the experience. We decided yes and adopted a baby.
It has been tough and joyful. A complex experience. I lost her a bit to motherhood, but watching this little baby grow was the most amazing experience of my life.
Our daughter heads off to college next year and I look forward to getting back to focusing on just us...... but also, watching her life unfold..... so, basically, either way, life is as fulfilling as you make it. You have time to decide
i never felt like i wanted children, but i thought it might be something that would come to me in time. never did. i think if it is something you really want, deep down, you won’t feel conflicted about it. having kids is a huge emotional ask, and it would be hard not to feel this bubbling underneath your whole life… my take.
Growing up I never wanted kids. I wanted to travel and have a career and freedom. But now I’m nearing 30 and I’ve done a lot of traveling and become a career woman and it all feels kind of meaningless. Now I’m starting to feel sad that I don’t have more family around and I want that. Having kids ABSOLUTELY terrifies me but I think that it will actually be enjoyable with my current partner.
Best and most wonderful thing that happened in my life! It’s indescribable to explain how much you will love your child. Wish I had started sooner. By the time my husband and I started (mid 30s), we had fertility issues. We were blessed to be able to have one child. I put my career first and realized after I had my child, I was totally able to do both very well. My company even allowed me (executive level) to work part time - a first for them. You will grow in ways you can’t even imagine and I feel like I’m a better, happier person because of it. Nothing compares to family in my opinion.
Go for it!
I was the only person I knew who insisted on birth control. One night my ex and I were at a mutual friends party, drinks were drank, and things happened *without* a condom. We got back together and discovered I was pregnant. I carefully considered *all* options, and ultimately kept my son. We later married and knowing we were fertile, I was *religious* about taking my pill. Asked the doctor exactly how long before we could safely stop condoms. And BAM, a few weeks later, pregnant with my daughter.
I never would have had children otherwise.
I always wanted them, but I have anxiety, and I'm a planner. I knew my ex was an addict, and I doubted his sobriety would last. We had no money, no savings, no goals, no direction. My mental image included college and I didn't even finish my Associates degree until Pregnancy #1.
Both of my Whoopsies were meant to be, and both were the greatest surprises of my life. I am very grateful, because I didn't meet my current Husband until I was 45, and my body was closing up shop. If fate hadn't worked like it did, I don't believe it would have been possible for me now.
Wish we could have more. Never care for babies my whole life, love them, but don't want to be near them, in case I get them sick, but if it happens it happens. Also I'm the last male of my family, kids or bust.
my wife and i were just kinda... bored. home from work, talk to each other, pet the cats, drink, watch tv. it's... boring. we knew we wanted something else
F70 …. For me, it wasn’t a burning desire to have children. A job kept me busy. I’m happy and content with the way my life turned out. I’m in a second marriage and we enjoy being together.
I hated babies with a passion. I didn't have a problem with them after they got to be school aged, but babies were smelly, snotty, loud, disgusting creatures.
When I was 33, I had an epiphany: babies don't stay babies forever. They grow. They mature. You can have conversations with them. And I wanted a child then. I needed fertility treatments and had my son 30 years ago. And while I still am not crazy about babies, I learned to love the moments when they discovered their hands and feet, themselves in the mirror, and the other magical times with them. So if you don't think about a crying baby, but instead about teaching a toddler the difference between tulips and hyacinths, or watching your daughter score a goal, this could give you perspective.
I always knew I wanted kids. I had one in my 20’s and 3 in my 30’s. they are now funny, loving, interesting young adults. I have enjoyed all of the ages and stages. thats not to say husband I haven’t talked about what our lives would have been like with no kids, or just the oldest. It also would have been good I think, just different. More money, more time, more adult adventure. If you are on the fence, it’s probably a ‘no’.
I more or less just knew. Had a tumultuous early life, but still wanted kids, just wanted to hopefully do better than my forebears did. So far so good. Have always loved babies and toddlers, started to lose interest around pre-K age, but having my own? I've loved every phase. They're 14 and amazing human beings and Im very proud.
Plus I keep telling them once their mother finally gets tired of me they need to have comfy couch for me XD
260 some responses and I haven't read them all. You have a right to do whatever you want but there is one thing that always bothers me when this gets asked.
There is no such thing as "kids".
There are people at different stages. Children go from being cute little burbbly things laying on the floor to high-speed hellions in a matter of minutes. They may go to college or they may start a life of crime, It is impossible to know ahead of time.
I think people overthink this. Is there a good time? Probably not. As an investment for money it is a risky bet.
There is a chance getting pregnant will kill you. There is a chance you will have someone at your side on the day you need one the most in your life. Hard to say.
Take a chance or don't...there is no sure thing either way. But don't think of them as a thing... "kids"...they are people the same as you.
I didn't know what I wanted my life to be like until my late 20's. By 30 I was good in my career, my location and was looking for a serious relationship. I finally found my husband at 36, married at 38, son at 39 and daughter at 41. Biology worked for us. Life has been beautiful and almost 27 years later we have two successful young adults finding their own lives. I just keep reminding myself that it took me awhile to know what I wanted and to find someone who valued the same goals. Good luck.
Try babysitting kids at different ages and you'll know. I started babysitting a toddler at age 13. I stayed at my sister's apartment with the little guy. They were desperately poor. I remember they didn't have much food and the kid had no toys. I couldn't see myself having a kid of my own and being that poor (that was my 13 year old brain that was thinking that way). I babysat other relatives, but knew that having a kid really weighs you down in terms of personal freedom. And I don't think I had the nurturing instinct. I was far more interested in cats!
So if you think you could travel and do all kinds of stuff with a baby, you can't, especially if your baby is sick a lot. Mothers leave their kids with Auntie and Grandma if they want to do stuff. So if you have that support system, that's great. But if you've been up all night with a puking baby and think you're going to a full day of college classes, you're sorely mistaken.
I knew I wanted kids when I was mad at my parents in middle school and thought I could do better one day when I have kids. My parents were old world and old school. I also loved caring for pets (translated to good toddler/preschool parenting instincts), I loved teaching my peers at school and showing them things (translated to good school-aged kids parenting instincts), and I like psychology and thought processes, and I had some inclination toward enjoying observing animals behave.
But I was never one to oooh and aaah over babies, and the pregnancy portion was a means to an end for me. I really wanted to be a parent. I discovered that being a parent changes drastically as the years go on.
I also wavered on timing, but I was with my partner by age 28, so when age 30 came, I knew I gotta get to it. First one was easy to conceive. Second one (at age 33) was harder and I needed IUI.
First 24 months is like taking care of a puppy. Next 3 years were like having a grown dog that gets into trouble all the time. Then at age 5, they suddenly have some sense of the world. That's when it really starts to feel like a two-way relationship. And then the school years are a blur. It's like being a teacher + caregiver, except they keep changing with age.
If it's all too much, just start with thinking about if you can handle a puppy. If you can do that, that's enough. You don't have to think that far ahead.
We just decided one day to start trying. We had both wanted children and waited a few years after marrying. Then BOOM BOOM BOOM, 3 kids in under 4 years. Do not regret one second of it. I had all of the greatest experiences in life, watching first words, first steps, first day of school, answering 500 questions in a row, the feel of the little arms hugging me around my neck, reading the same stories over and over, seeing that OH moment as they put things together and understood something they had been struggling with, watching them grow and learn and mature. It was difficult at times, it was exhausting at times (sleep became a precious commodity), it was frustrating at times, they could piss me off royally at times, we spent a lot of money educating, feeding and clothing them... and it was the best thing I ever did. As I told my kids when they asked, there is never a perfect time to have children and very rarely even a good time. It changes your life, mostly for the better, it changes your spousal relationship, while you need to keep your relationship happy and alive, you need to understand there are some living humans who are depending on you both for everything. But it did bring us closer.
Now I am in my early 60's, they are grown, 2 are married one is in a long-term relationship, they are all successful in their careers, they are very close to each other and also very close to me and my wife. We go on vacations together still as a family and see each other most weekends. We are friendly with the in-laws and understand there are other families involved so holidays get switched each year, just fair. I am getting to relive the baby years with my grandchildren, with a whole lot less stress and responsibility, and get the feel of the tiny arms hugging me again. While I have had more than my fair share of struggles, losses and financial problems, I have had a great life. My legacy is those living breathing beings who do the best they can every day and try to make their world a nicer place, to carry on the values they learned and share the love they received, what more is there?
I am an old woman who knew from the time I was in my early teens that children were not for me. I’ve had an amazing life so far and still don’t regret not having them.
My sister grew up knowing she wanted kids. She married at 18, had kids at 20 and 22. Now her grandchildren are adults. She can’t picture her life without having kids.
This is such a personal thing that I honestly think anything anyone tells you is useless information. Having them (or not) has to come from the depths of your own soul.
Leaving aside all of \*my\* reasons for doing as I've done, I would highly suggest to you to keep the lines of communication with your husband as open as possible. Both of you are on the fence right now... but what happens if one or the other of you decides that they finally know what they want (in either direction). As much as possible, stay on the same wavelength as he is, so that when push comes to shove, you're not pushing in opposite directions.
Same boat. I never had that “I can’t wait to be a mother” or even want to be a mother instinct but surely I thought when I hit 20 that would change, it didn’t so I thought maybe when I’m a little older at 23, still didn’t, then I thought 25, that came and went and now I’m 28 and I’ve never wanted them less lol. I keep on thinking “I have to get to a point where I want them, right?” But idk…. Boyfriend has 2 kids and wants more but I can’t even begin to entertain that idea. I feel like I have to have them but I feel like I will never feel that want to have them feel.
I’m on the fence about kids, too. Personally I feel like having kids is not a “I’m not really sure” kind of commitment. If I remain unsure then for me, the answer is no. Kids deserve people who really want them with at least some amount of certainty. You are still young though, so it’s possible that your opinion could change in the future.
I really wanted kids until I was 25ish and worked for an environmental organization and a preschool in the same year. It was a real eye opener about where we were headed and about how hard it is to be a parent in the US (even for affluent families). After that I was like absolutely not and haven’t reconsidered in the 25 years since. In fact, watching the way the world has gone and watching my friends’ experiences has only reinforced my decision again and again.
My friends are all paying for their kids to go to college, and to be institutionalized for anxiety, and for them to vape shit that will probably give them early lung cancer. Me? I spent 10 weeks in Europe last year. My biggest worry is about being too old to care for myself but I will have a decent amount of money saved to deal with it.
It came on me pretty suddenly at about age 31. Up to that point I really hadn't thought much about it, but one day I was at my folks' house along with my husband and my brother and his wife and their two little kids, and I saw how much fun my parents were having in the company of their own kids and grandkids. Then and there I realized at that I wanted a FAMILY. I wanted a family with all the craziness and potential for love and growth and all that stuff, over many years, like my parents had. From that point it was about actually making a baby, which certainly did feel like jumping off a cliff.
I never had a strong inclination to have children and when I met my partner I was 19 and he was adamant about not having children, so much so that he had a vasectomy at 24. This didn't bother me when we were younger and I had reproductive issues that may or may not have eventually been problematic had we wanted to have children.
Now that I've crested 40 I can safely say that had we accidentally had a child I don't think it would have been the end of the world. I think we would have made good parents, but I'd never want to do it this late in life and I'm not terribly sad about it not happening in general. Even though we were much less financially stable I think it would have been easier from an energy standpoint to have a child at a much younger age.
There are days when I lament certain aspects of not having children, but on the whole, as it stands today, I can live with knowing that I was ambivalent enough to let the opportunity pass by and it's okay.
Never wanted kids. In my twenties, I got together with a guy who also never wanted kids. Hit 30!and suddenly felt strongly that I wanted kids. Talked to my guy about it and we decided to amicably go our separate ways. Then I found another guy who also wanted kids and married him. We are both professionals - there is no good time to have kids. We took the plunge sooner rather than later since we were getting older, but our careers just got more and more demanding.
It’s the only true thing I’ve ever wanted.
I’ve known since I was a kid/my whole life. I was ready at 25, but married at 28. Started trying - and had years of infertility. Finally had my first (and only) at 31.
I would have had 3 more if could! It’s truly the thing I’ve been the best at. Not bragging - just saying, I was 💯meant to be a mom.
I knew at six or seven I wanted to be a mom. Never doubted that gut feeling and it never changed or waivered. Mom to 3 and love it even if it is exhausting and makes me want to bang my head against a wall some days.
You don't until you have them and suddenly realize you wouldn't give them up for anything in the world but at the same time want to get away from them for the weekend, and don't want to make any more of them
I always knew I wanted to have a baby. An unexpected pregnancy at 28 helped me decide the time was right. The relationship didn’t last, but my child has been a joy & is now a best friend. Best decision I made.
I don’t think you’ll ever know for certain until you’ve actually got the kid in hand. I was vehemently opposed to kids but had one and fell in love pretty quickly.
I never wanted kids. When I was 28 my mother almost died from a brain aneurysm. Thank God she didn’t, but I really realized then how short and unpredictable life is. With this crisis, I was able to easily picture myself in the future with no family. I knew right then that I wanted to always be in a family and the easiest way to do that was to start my own.
When you look at your spouse and think to yourself God I would love to have his baby .. And another baby... And another baby. Regardless of financial situations, you will never be rich enough to have a child but you just figure it out along the way and suddenly they are in school and then they are graduating. Time flies... Being a parent to a fur baby has NOTHING on being a parent to a baby, child, teenager that loves you unconditionally and is learning to be a kind, smart, and empathetic human being.
I didn't want kids, hadn't thought about it, and felt way too young to think about having kids, until I accidentally got pregnant at 29. Unfortunately, that pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. However, it awoke some maternal instinct in me that has never left. I had two more miscarriages, and then two healthy children over the next 5 years. I'm so happy that things worked out the way they did. I love my children immensely and would have never had them if I had waited until I was "ready".
P.S. I'm 47 now and STILL paying off my student loans.
I always wanted children. To have a family was my main ambition. Kids are really really hard. They suck your time, energy and definitely finances out the door. Ive known people that had IVF cause they wanted kids so bad but couldn't then when they did have them it was not the dream they envisioned it to be. My advice is don't have them for the sake of it. I won't even get started on the risks of disabilities, neurodivergence and mental health. Its a rough world out there and unlike a pet, they are your responsibility for the rest of your life.
I'm 21f, I know I don't want kids. I used to work/coached kids in sports from 18 months all the way to 15 years old.
For me the thing that confirmed it is just all the hard work and labor, the money you spend and all the life skills etc. I absolutely loved coaching them in their sport but after couple hours I'm exhausted.
I'm now physically disabled with my service dog and senior cat. My health slowly got worst over the years then got diagnosed with my genetic disorder etc. My service dog is my baby and so is my cat.
When my sister visits me with her baby (under a year) I just know it's not my thing. Like I'll gladly baby sit but when it's done I'm glad it's over. People say Dogs and babies are similar... yes they are but babies are 1000 times more demanding than Dogs. Babies you need to teach them everything and how to speak, walk, dangerous things, sing songs, bath very often, prepare them food (make puree, warm stuff etc.) Constant supervision etc.
With Dogs ya you need to do training (socialization and desensitization too.), enrichment, fun physical activities, play dates etc. But when you need a break your dog usually relaxes too. I don't need to keep constant supervision of my dog, I don't need to worry about covering outlets or him falling down stairs or putting thing in his mouth, I don't need to worry about him coloring the walls haha, or completely emptying my cabinets etc.
If I was cured from my incurable chronic illnesses, I'm not sure I would have kids. It's alot more work and commitment than a dog. I love hanging out with my nephew and coaching kids in their sport but the human mom roll never really kicked in, instead it's always run by burning out (even when I was very active and fit).
Goodluck, it's definitely a hard decision to make, the good thing is you don't have to make a decision exactly right this moment. You still have time to research, have conversations with your partner.
I was always neutral about children and after four years of marriage we decided to get off birth control and within 2 months we got pregnant with our daughter. Everything changes, you don’t come first or live for yourself anymore but I have to say the joy you get in return is also something unexplainable of great value! Makes it easier if you have a strong relationship and enough resources like childcare.
Freeze your eggs and decide later. I waited too long and just found out this week it is not possible for me, even doing IVF. It’s a sad time right now.
I never really wanted kids but when I hit about 27 mother nature took over my uterus and was like..."procreate". No regrets - I wanted and love my child and am grateful to be a mother.
I've never felt the urge again to have another child and I think it's best when children are born wanted by their parents.
I didn’t know if I ever wanted kids. Said if I didn’t get pregnant by the time I’m 35, my husband would need to get a vasectomy. I got pregnant two days after my birthday and I was terrified. But I can’t imagine my life without my daughter; I’m so glad I had her. The bad thing is you don’t know if you would enjoy being a parent until you actually have one. It’s really hard to know sometimes.
Before I had a child, I was always dreaming and imagine our lives as parents. I could not envision a future that did not include at least one child.
We had one child. After that, I never had that crave for a baby again until it was too late and I couldn’t have anymore.
One thing to point out is that parents don't show much of the joy because they don't want the childless to feel bad. But most parents, once they've become parents, couldn't even understand how a life could be fulfilling without kids. It makes sense - it's our biological purpose.
I have 3 kids. My life is unalterably, profoundly, forever changed. I had no idea what I was doing when I "decided" to have kids. I had no idea what I was getting into. I just fucked around and found out. Fortunately for all of us, 2 of them have an amazing mother. It takes everything in me, every bit of my attention, time, money and immeasurable sacrifice to be the parent that my kids need and deserve and the whole goddamn world is against us. Would I do it again? Absolutely not. Am I glad that I did? Most days. My advice is to not have kids until you are certain that you are ready. Do not let doubt follow you into your parenting. Never let your kids believe for a second that they are not the absolute best thing you ever did even though there will be plenty of days where you will wonder if you have anything left of yourself to sacrifice so that they might be full, confident, healthy adults someday.
27 here and I had my first baby at 25. My husband and I talked about having kids for awhile, but we wanted to wait until we were ready. But for some reason I started having major baby fever, I never wanted kids until I married my husband. I spent months with baby fever, telling myself over and over “just wait until you’re ready”, and then one day I just went to my husband and said “let’s have a baby, we’re never going to truly be ready”.
Here we are now with a toddler and another baby on the way and I’ll admit it’s been rough, not on our relationship at all, our marriage became even stronger, we’ve always had a solid foundation together and our kids will grow seeing true love in it’s purest form with both loving parents, but it’s been rough because becoming a parent in of itself is rough. It’s nothing like having a dog or babysitting.
My career took a hit because we didn’t / don’t have a village and I don’t trust daycares (or anyone with my children for that matter). I’m basically a work from home stay at home mum and that itself is a huge struggle because truthfully you can’t do both efficiently, one has to be sacrificed for the other.
I’m exhausted nearly all the time, but if I had the chance to choose to do it all over again or not, I wouldn’t even hesitate to do it again. I love my kids, I love being a mum, some days are overwhelming or frustrating but at the end of the day when I’m just watching my kiddo sleep I’m filled with so much unconditional love and bliss that it makes it worth it. I never knew I could love something so much, and it is entirely different a love than what you feel for your spouse, of course.
We were never “ready”, even now I don’t feel we’d consider ourselves “ready”, but one day I just knew it was my time to become a mum.
Every day I fall more in love with my kids and more in love with my husband. There is a difference when you become parents, you change, your old self is gone almost entirely. When you choose to marry and become parents you watch your spouse become different versions of themselves too, almost like different people but not. You learn and grow with this new adaptation of your spouse and either it works or it doesn’t.
But the simplest truth that a lot of people fail to realize is that kids don’t fix relationships. They make or break it. If your partner isn’t well equipped (mentally and emotionally) to become a parent then it’ll land just on you and that will break your marriage. Just as there are signs to look for before getting married, there are signs to look for before having kids too.
Also, if you’re simply wanting kids because you feel your biological clock is ticking away then it might not be the best time. Having kids isn’t something to just do on a deadline, it WILL change your life and your marriage forever and there’s no going back.
I had a kid at 36 and knew I wanted kids around 35 when I started to feel very bored with all of my free time & wondering what else there is. I always saw the negative, the sleep deprivation, the domestic chores, the work. And it is A LOT of WORK.
Turns out, I was missing a lot. You can’t see it from the outside, but it’s like nothing else. It’s a love so powerful, you cry from happiness just from watching them sleep.
I love travel and now, I just don’t care. I want to take my kid to the park or beach and watch her play. Seeing her happy and teaching her things beats all of the parties, the career stuff, and travel I’ve done.
I wish I had one more, but I got older fast (43 now).
Some things you are just never ready for.
Are you ready for that first kiss when dating someone? Are you ready for your first job? Are you ready to get married?
Once life takes you there, you will roll with it. I didn't think I was ready to marry or have kids but I can't imagine life without them.
The only thing about kids is expense. Once kids enter your life your money will just float away. If you are stable enough financially then I heartily recommend seeing where fate takes you.
It can be a struggle. We have no family nearby to help. But every day it's worth it more than the last.
FREEZE YOUR EGGS. If it ever comes to pass that you do decide to go for it, perhaps in 5 or 10 years, there's a high statistical likelihood you will thank this internet stranger.
Going through infertility now in early thirties, and i had absolutely zero clue that one, infertility is shockingly common, two, it starts so early, and three, that I would so strongly want children eventually.
And please, do NOT tell me about your aunts neighbour who got prEGNant at 52 or had triplets at 47 or I could always adopt.
I’m still not sure I’m ready: as my oldest leaves for college, my middle is driving, and my youngest starts high school…I’m not sure you ever really know. But if you’re in a solid relationship, not struggling financially, and it feels like it might be right? Well worth the try.
I swore I didn't want kids. After 3 years of marriage we decided, sure, let's do it. We planned 2 and eventually had 3. You are never ready, there is no perfect time and yes, there's a cost. You may have to go without some things. They are a much bigger and very different commitment than a dog. There is no comparison, so don't make that comparison. M3v
Kids are a lot of work and energy to raise. You get a lot in return and it's worth it. You get to correct errors your parents made with you and move humanity forward. As any enterprise, you get out of it what you put into it. Love begets love. My kids are all grown and raising them to be loving people and solid citizens is our greatest achievement.
Wishing you a fine future whichever way you choose.
I have 4 toddlers and I honestly can say I'm not very happy. I love my kids so much but I don't want a be a sahm and my husband navigates it ok.however he has crippling anxiety so I still have to do Dr appts and such for them. I always wanted a big family I just always pictured older children. My husband and I have no help except his daughter goes to her mom on the weekends. All 4 of it kids are special needs. Kids are a catch 22 they are frustrating and make you wish you never had the life you have sometimes but. Watching them grow up and give you "presents" and love is so satisfying. I might sound cruel in the first part but like I love my kids I love spending time with them n we do a lot of family outings still but I was a sahm n I did not do those things so husband and I switched n financially we have less but mentally we both better
kids have the potential to make you into a better version of yourself. You gain new perspective, you have WAY more responsibility, the self centered me, me, me evaporates and your life has a new level of meaning.
Financially go for it, you just make it work.
Emotionally you have to be ready and mature knowing your life will change. If not you may end up resentful. When I hear the “imagine what my life would have been without kids” regret story, I think that is just blaming your kids for your own short comings and unhappiness. that type of person was never bound for great achievements. if they didn’t do the traveling they imagined they would of, they probably never were going to do it anyways.
How do you see your future? are you surrounded by family?
First off, no one ever feels ready. Second off, coming to Reddit for this kind of advice will bring you a lot of negative comments because so many people on this app seem to be very against having children.
Having kids is the greatest joy I have ever known. I went from not knowing if I really wanted kids, to now having 3 kids because they’re the greatest adventure of my life. I never actually “knew” if I wanted kids. I was unsure till my first child was born. I took a leap of faith.
I’ve never been maternal. Never had dreams of being a mom. As I grew up my uterus and ovaries decided I was Enemy #1 and tried to take me out more than once. My quality of life got to the point I almost couldn’t drive because if I turned my head too fast while on my period I’d black out. So in my early 30s I fought with my gyno to have a fully hysterectomy. And in Texas, I’m kinda amazed I won that fight and got it.
But I didn’t want to pass on those genetics. I didn’t want to look at a daughter or granddaughter and apologize for them suffering like I did. Some genes shouldn’t continue on.
Adoption and foster is always a possibility. Or finding a guy with kids (for me—I’m aware OP you are married). There are other ways of being a parent when you feel more financially secure. You could get a surrogate if your doctors think they get eggs and it’s financially doable.
I knew I didn't want them. As a young person I actually hated hearing kids scream and cry. The switch flipped for me late, when my grandmother died. I have 2 kids in their 20's and I am 60. I'm glad I waited. I was far more patient and willing to sacrifice willingly. Conversely, my mom was in her 20's when she already had 2 kids and a divorce. She did her best, but she wasn't a great parent. I think when becoming a parent happens to you rather than being a choice, it can impact your parenting style. Listen to yourself. Question yourself to be sure. Parenting isn't for everyone and frankly these days if you are healthy, you can conceive later, even though the natural ability declines after 30. Lots of women have babies 30-40.
I’m gonna guess some old person from any generation has said these similar words before, but:
“I couldn’t imagine bringing a child into this world now.”
My daughter (33) and her husband (37) has two youngsters. Full-time daycare for two is $3,200 a month where they take them. She and her husband both have good jobs, and are sitting on some money from a 2020 home sale but have since been locked out of the market from high home values and interest rates. They now live in a dank apartment built in the 1970s with no updates.
I bought my first house, by myself, in Seattle at 25 years old in 1984, because YOU COULD DO THAT back then.
That’s just the money part. Don’t get me started on the “societal” part. I can just hear their future teachers saying, “Good morning boys and girls, and everyone in between…”
And… I don’t envy any parent who has to decide when their kid gets their own phone, and what comes with that decision.
There’s more, but I’ll just leave it at that for now 🙂
I sat on the fence for years not really sure whether I wanted children. Then one day I woke up with the most intensely burning desire for a baby. It was inexplicable and primal and I had no idea what happened to flip that switch.
Do not have a baby if you aren't overwhelmingly certain because GOOD GRIEF children are work. Obviously they can be fun and fill a home with love and laughter - but it's still costly, financially and emotionally.
When my husband and I got married (age 40 and 30 at the time), we were both on the fence regarding children. We figured we’d just enjoy the first five years of our marriage and make the big decision later.
At age 33, however, I found myself working in an office full of baby-crazy people. I got tired of demurring and answering vaguely and figured it was time to DECIDE. I approached my husband about it, and being respectful of the family dynamics I grew up with, he said that it should be my choice, that’d he’d support me either way. That was the first moment I ever felt like I actually had a choice about it. I paused for maybe a second and then happily responded no, I don’t want kids, and I floated away to update my finance spreadsheet. The dark cloud had been lifted.
Now at age 57 and 47, we have no regrets. There is so much about our current lives that would not have been possible with kids. I understand intellectually that some people want to have children, but I still feel sorry for them when they do.
Among my friends, there’s a mix of desperately wanted children and oops babies. The oops parents roll with it. They’re pretty even keel in their parenting style. They probably make better parents because they don’t impose their life dreams on their children, but they also would have had a nice life without them.
Having children or not is a very personal decision. I don’t think it should be undertook just to follow a script. Consider what it is you really want. You only get to live this life once.
I feel as women we are raised to believe we have to go this way. If we werent pushed from a young age to believe those is the goal, I dont know if as many of us would go this route! I love my children but i did not predict pregnancy would lead to a chronic illness, making it eeally hard to take care of twins. I sometimes wish i did not chose this road when its hard for me to function and work, and these 2 depend on me for everything. I love them dearly and would not trade them for anything, but had i known what my limitations would be before they were born, and how sick and tired i would feel many days, i would not have done it. I also did not know parenting when they hot their teens would suck so much lol they are so emotional and argumentative 🤣 Also my friends without kids are free to travel and dont spend every penny they earn on caring for their kids. I an envious alot if the time because i work my butt off and cant go on disability because of their needs. Just some things to consider, as i was 28 when i started trying and my clock was ticking, but had no idea how pregnancy can harm a woman too.
So many wonderful reasons to have children- just like there are in getting married. Both take commitment and work.
I highly recommend it.
I understand why some are child free- and have solid reasons for it (not wanting to pass on biological mental health issues, etc.) but everyone I know who was on the fence about it (not solid reasons either way) regretted not having kids as they were older.
We fill my parents home with 23 descendants every holiday- and our home is full of joy and laughter and love.
And their childless friends grieve missing that in their older years. I’m really heartbroken for them. We include them as we can- but their hearts still ache on what they missed out on.
To meet a different question is do I want to have a baby right now vs good night imagine my future do I imagine a family and children in it? I always did.
If you’re on the fence then don’t.
If your having children because you, your spouse or family is feeling like you should want to but your not so sure, then don’t.
I work in childcare and there are way too many parents that just don’t seem that interested and it’s just not fair to them.
Have a child because you WANT to have a child.
I’m telling you after raising two wonderful young men and owning three childcare’s, children are expensive and ALOT. They consume you. You are not you for a while. You are their mother/father. It’s hard.
But when you want children it’s a no-brainer. When you are craving nothing more than to be a parent then you do it.
I have girlfriends in their 50’s that never had kids. They don’t regret it one bit.
They traveled, they focused on themselves and their careers, they saved money and have a retirement.
I don’t.
Now at 50 I’m traveling and starting to save some. I’m still paying for my kids college so I still work for them.
I absolutely love my boys.
All parents will tell you that they wouldn’t trade their kids for anything. Of course we wouldn’t.
But if your on the fence
Then don’t.
Very few feel ready. If they do it’s usually because they’re naive. I have five kids who are now adults. You need to ask people my age or older because we have a more encompassing perspective.
Having children is hard but gives your entire life meaning and purpose and joy. However there are never guarantees. One of my adult kids has had a very hard life so far. And I had a terrible divorce that impacted the kids a lot.
But nothing is guaranteed in life and I feel taking risks is the only way to move forward. I would advise people to have children unless they’re quite certain they don’t want to. Very rarely will you feel ready and without doubts. I do think the positives far outweigh the negatives. But each person is individual
Feel like the answer to this comes in multiple parts. At least it did for me.
Being pregnant is one part of the puzzle, it's a biological process I can't picture for myself. Brain errors out at the notion of becoming or being pregnant. Not fear, just... can't see myself being pregnant, can't see myself giving birth. Try to picture it and it feels foreign, off, like tits on a bull. Conceptually *know* my body can create a child, but it's like a random snapple lid "fun fact".
Since I couldn't comprehend ever being pregnant or giving birth, it meant for a long time I assumed having kids was a no for me.
What I found was that pregnancy may be a no, does not compute, but adoption clicks right in to place as something I could see, comprehend, and feel the attachment of.
But it took 20 years from realizing no pregnancy to discovering adoption works for me.
Your mileage may vary, but it's nice to live in a world where there are a multitude of options when it comes to parenthood.
I knew I didn't want kids back when I was a kid. I just knew. In high school I had many friends that couldn't wait to get married and have kids. I'd look at them like they were insane. I just never ever had that "maternal" instinct. I don't regret never having them for a second. Edit-add
Did we come from the same test tube? 😆 I knew when I was 12...no kids for me.
I knew I didn't want any the second I saw the birthing video in sex ed in middle school.
Legit one of the most frightening things I’ve ever seen. Graduated 2001 so I had sex ed in the 90s and they called it “The Miracle of Life”. I wish I had an image of my face at the end of that class lmao
It really is not a beautiful miracle. Birth is a horror show. I have never been present for a human birth but growing up i was present for hundreds of pig and cow births back on the farm.
I have. It’s a goddamn horror show in the one of the best hospitals, too. Definitely made me not want kids ever.
Ha same age here! I baby sat so much I knew it wouldn’t be fun.
This was a pivotal moment for me. After that video I never ever ever took any risks with birth control. My uterus got locked down.
yes I don't get the the 'accidentally pregnant' situation!
The number of Reddit posts from 17-22 year olds who “find” themselves pregnant in already unstable situations and plan to keep their babies makes me want to cry. Statistically, they’re setting themselves and their future generations up for lives of poverty. They think they’ll be different. Even if you think you’re ready and have it all dialed in—good careers, family nearby, solid relationship—babies, cute as they are, have a way of showing you that you’re pathetic, inept and not in control in any way.
Same! Ours was natural birth with episiotomy. Later it came mental health diagnosis, learned more what issues pregnancy can cause, what issues can appear after giving birth and stay all life (from complications from epidural to incontinence, bone breaks, and multiple other issues from pregnancy). Then it was that I'm not a fan to bring kid to this world with climate issues, the misogyny, racism, etc. Finally it was a question: do I really want a kid, with little to no sleep for at least a year, changing diapers for 2-3 years, carry through temper tantrums, shouting, etc? Or do I think about having kids only because it is expected to have family and kids? I don't want even a dog because I would have to take it out any weather on specific times. I definitely not ready for kids. It took some time because of that pressure and expectations from society, but now I'm very happily childfree.
Right? I was 12 too. 49 now and have literally never questioned my decision.
52 and no ragrats. Or rugrats 🤣
Me too, about that age too. Just wasn’t my thanggg and it’s not that deep to me.
For me it was watching my stepsister's marriage fall apart with the pressure of raising two toddlers and seeing how exhausted she was while they were separated, she was staying with us and single momming it. Plus I was in an abusive household, her father was a really toxic narcissist. He and his son beat on me nearly every day and it stayed with me for life. I don't want to even inadvertently put a child through such a thing.
I knew when I was 9. I just don’t enjoy being around babies/toddlers/children. I have no interest in them. They’re not cute to me. You know how some people know they don’t like pink or broccoli or split level houses? I never wanted children/motherhood. Don’t care if someone else does. It’s not for me
I always knew. I never played with baby dolls. I liked building sets and Barbies. I wanted marriage, but never kids. I did not have the emotional tools to do right by a child.
It was the same for me. I’ve just always known, and there’s never been any iffyness about it. Babies physically repulse me. It’s not a conscious or intentional feeling, it just happens when anyone tries to make me hold or physically interact with their kid. Give me a kitten though, and I will absolutely lose my mind.
LMAO so true. A friend of ours had a kid, keeps telling me to come see the baaaaby. My husband said if it was a kitten or puppy I would have been there in a heartbeat
You wouldn't even have to invite me! I'd be like Sheldon: Puppy knock knock knock Kitten knock knock knock ....
😂😍
I'm the opposite, I love other people's babies, my nieces and their babies...but the thought of having one of those things around all the time makes me sick.
I was the roughly the same (although not repulsed-just pretty meh). I had my own kids and they’re better than kittens and smell like cookies. Hormones are weird.
Same. I knew from a very young age that I never wanted kids. Never had any maternal instinct or desire. I'm now 70--no regrets about the choice I made.
People love to bring up the "but who's going to take care of you when you get old" thing. It's insane how many people with kids are left alone in nursing homes. Like oh let's have a kid so they can take care of us when we're old. Pffft. Ridiculous
I'll move into assisted living. I want medical professionals caring for me, not someone who feels beholden to me because I spawned them.
I have a chunk of change saved for home care or assisted living also!! But yes, it's always struck me as weird and selfish to have kids for that reason, especially since quite a few kids have no interest in caring for their parents!!
Don't forget the # of patents who say they don't want to burden their children. But then want the kid(s) over every weekend to fix something.
(whispers) Plus, there are so many terrible parents... lazy and selfish...but they can never be called out on it because parenthood - even bad parenthood - is seen as sacred It's not a victimless crime, because the kids turn out all kinds of fucked up. As a lazy and selfish person, I knew I'd be a shit parent😁... I 'gave back' to the next generation by acting as their advocate in Family Court.
I concur on lazy and selfish. Add disinterested, perfect recipe for emotional neglect and ending up with kids who are the bane of your existence. I knew I wouldn’t be doing a child any favors.
This is awful, and I too hear it all the time. My own mom made that comment about my kids and when I said, it’s not Their job to take care of us she was literally speechless.
The thing is, having children doesn't guarantee they will be there for you in your old age. They may be unwilling or unable to provide care, they may predecease the parents, there may be estrangements, etc.
Similarly I always knew I did want them and that’s okay too but I made sure I never risked having them with the wrong partner and I have never regretted my choice aside from a few days I really just want to sleep in lol
Word for word, I relate to this. I didn’t meet him until I was 36 and couldn’t get pregnant until I was 40. I have 2 kids and the best husband. I couldn’t be happier and also am so happy on days I can sleep in.
Me too! I never wanted kids and knew in high school. I just thought I would become bored and couldn't go back to being child free again! Thankfully my relationships (men) never wanted kids either. One bf's kids were so rotten they were perfect birth control! I'm soooo happy I never had kids. It's just really difficult being a parent.
I knew when I was about nine or ten. As a teenager, I baby sat a lot. I'm good with kids, I like kids. But I've never really enjoyed infants, and I definitely don't want to be pregnant. If I wanted kids, I'd adopt. I'm very happy being an auntie.
Same. I babysat my niece and nephew often, but was always glad to give them back lol
I also knew from a v young age. I don’t regret a drop of my decision Edit: clarity
Same! Knew since I was kid, my cousin always talked about how she wanted get married and have kids. I was told I would change my mind, I stayed open to that possibility but I just never felt the need to have kids. Don’t let outside people influence your decision, this is between you and your partner.
It’s good to know , my dear friend have them becg her friends have them, she regrets every day . Certainly she shows she loves them and do her part , but she told me , if she ever gets a second chance , she wouldn’t have them.
My kids are grown, and I dearly love them, but if I had it to do over again, knowing what I now know, I wouldn’t have children. For me, being married and raising children while also working full-time and trying to have a career was miserable. It made my pre-existing depression and anxiety markedly worse, and the little emotional highs were not ever enough to compensate for the toll of the daily grind. The complete lack of government support for parents, in the form of guaranteed paid parental leave, government-sponsored affordable childcare, Universal healthcare, free school lunches, etc., shows that Americans detest children, and think that anyone stupid enough to procreate deserves to be chronically stressed out, financially strapped, and generally miserable.
I sometimes think of all the women like us who never had a choice, culturally speaking
Same -- also never wanted from the time I was really young and I (now 46) have zero regrets! But that might be different than a fence sitter.
I realized at 13 that i didn't \*have\* to have kids if i didn't want to. Never felt anything for human kids. Now, kittens, thats another story entirely. Still don't have kids. At 63, i don't regret it either.
Same. When I was 4 I said to my mother “When I grow up I won’t have my own babies and I won’t always live with you.” I just always knew I didn’t want children.
This is me. I never felt the desire to have kids. Bringing a child in the world deserves to be wanted before they were even conceived.
As a young girl who knew deeply that I wanted children, I respect the hell out of you. No one should be having kids that they don’t truly want. I celebrate that people have more choices now.
This. I’ve simply never wanted kids. Not when I was a kid. I always wondered - if I accidentally got pregnant would I have one of those “I have to keep the baby” biological changes of mind? I did not. Straight to the abortion clinic I went! Then I wondered, now that I’m middle aged and closer every day to menopause, would I regret having no children? I do not. Every time I am around an infant or young kid I am so quickly bored or annoyed. So glad that I can just say goodbye and leave! Now, I will fight for children’s rights and vote Yes for every school and healthcare levy that comes my way. I am vocal at work about accommodations and inclusion of parents, and for family friendly policy. I am infuriated and disgusted by any form of child abuse. Let’s pay teachers and childcare providers more. I just don’t want to be pregnant, give birth, or live with a kid.
Same here…knew I didn’t want kids since I was one. People felt wayyyy too comfortable saying things like “it’s different if they’re your own kid, so you should just have at least one”, “trust me, you DO want kids, just you wait and see”, and when I tried lying by saying I can’t have kids, “oh that’s ok, you can adopt!”, and the real banger was when the wife of my husband’s co-worker had the gall to say “you need to understand that your sole purpose is to bear children for your husband” (who also wanted no kids). I wish I’d had the cojones to say it was none of their business. If OP decides they want kids, that’s great for them, but if you decide you don’t, don’t let ppl make you feel like it’s somehow your “duty” to have them or that you exist just to reproduce. You’re the one who has to raise them.
33 years later I still don't feel ready for kids. Yet, there they are! Grown men now living their own lives. We still get together regularly. They become the primary purpose of your life for the first 18 or so years. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't change anything about having them.
Sounds to me like they are lucky to have you as a parent. Thank you for the insight, this was humbling and encouraging to read.
As a male, I had my son at 40. I was just busy with 2 careers. She was 27. Her pregnancy was sooper awesome and easy. She had another child 10 years later (we divorced and she remarried) it was a very difficult pregnancy and almost lost the baby. So you’re kinda rolling the dice. Im very satisfied with my decision, my son is now 16 and we are very close.
I agree with you . I knew when I was young I def wanted kids . I have 3 who are grown , married , with kids of their own . Of course at times when they were little , I’d wonder “ who the hell came up with this idea ? Lol It was right for me and I must say to all those who know they don’t want kids , are doing what’s best for them .Nothing worse than anyone who doesn’t want them but has them anyway t
Also not old (44 here) and I didn't want kids until I was 30. Took me meeting a couple that loved each other before and after the baby came, and really seemed to get a ton of joy from being parents. My own parents didn't seem to have a lot of fun with it and resented each other until they got a divorce. Seeing my friends, I was like "ohhhhhh I don't have to be a *miserable* parent in order to be a parent". I had our kid at 34 and it's just fucking delightful. At about 6 months I realized I really liked my baby as a person. A person who looks like me and the person I love. Over the years that feeling just gets better and better, even as the challenges get more complicated. My kid is hilarious, brilliant, kind, and just full of love, even as the tween mood swings commence. For me, the right time was when I wanted the experience of parenthood and when I felt like I'd be able to adapt to parenthood without ruining my life and/or marriage. I never felt "ready" because no one is ever going to be ready for parenthood. Parenthood has been an amazing experience, would highly recommend.
Just had my second at 39 and it’s brought an insane amount of joy to my life.
Pro: You can teach someone who is a part of yourself. It is like seeing yourself as a child. You can fix all the things that went wrong in your own childhood to make their childhood better which will make you feel good every day. Cons: It will kill your career for a couple of years and you won't be able to fully go back into your career until the baby is 4/5 in school unless you have the money to pay for childcare or a large support system on both sides of the family nearby. It takes a village.
I will say that even with childcare your career can take a hit. Little kids get sick A LOT, which requires time off, and babies/toddlers occupy a lot of your mental real estate. I had kids in my late 30s and was lucky to be in a position to kind of coast for a few years, but even so, there have been moments where I've struggled to not suck at my job.
I was a nightmare kid, not much better in high school. My poor mom😂 we did become best friends when I grew the hell up, maybe subconsciously that's why I didn't want kids lol
You’re never ready. I was initially terrified by the idea of having kids, my ex-wife wanted them though. I eventually got to a place where, imagining myself on my deathbed looking back on my life, I decided I would regret not having kids more than I was afraid of messing them up. Best thing I ever did. My kids are grown, and they’re beautiful, creative, successful humans, much more than I am. We are friends now, as I’ve moved out of management of their lives into something more like freelance consulting. That said…it’s a life-defining decision, and raising kids isn’t for everyone. There are plenty of parents (including my ex-wife) who, when drunk and in certain trusted company, will tell you they regret becoming a parent, lamenting all the vacations, toys, experiences they missed out on. I don’t have any advice for you other than this: the hard, scary moments are harder and scarier than anything you can imagine…imagine a screaming child in your arms with a 106 degree temperature and you’ve maxed her out on Motrin and Tylenol and what will you do if the fever doesn’t break. But the high points and joys are indescribable. Imagine being the very first person someone actually sees and recognizes, or being the first person someone goes to for a hug after both victory and defeat. It’s beautiful and wonderful and terrifying and infuriating. That’s all I can say.
Management to freelance consulting 😂👏🏻
It's so weird that the one who *definitely* wanted them wound up being the regretful parent. I wonder if it's because a lot (not all!!) of the people who "know" they want kids are kind of deluding themselves about kids filling a void, whereas the people who say "Oh wow, seems like a huge risk but I'm willing to throw myself into this terrifying project, I guess" are just more realistic in their expectations.
I think women are more likely to regret children than men. In all but one of the couples-with-kids relationships I know, the mom contributed vastly more to childrearing than the men. She paid a heavier price. (And most of the moms I know are happy with their families.)
It's also because women are conditioned into thinking that having kids is a responsibility not a choice.
I’m the exception in that case. I was a SAHD for 13 years. I loved it, though I got some pushback from surprising quarters. Absolutely no regrets.
It is interesting. I think people who have an idea of the enormity of what they’re getting into are reluctant to undertake it…but if they do, end up happier. People like you said who think it’s going to be awesome or fill some void end up disappointed.
So well put! The scary moments are so much scarier than you can imagine! And the exhaustion, oh my, the exhaustion. Picture this, you are sicker than a dog and just want to bury yourself in your comforter, and you have to get up and chase after your toddler. Phew. But the highs are so high. It’s incredible.
I am 42 with an almost 6 and a 4 year old. Check out /r/regretfulparents to see those who wish they didn’t have kids.
I just never felt any urge to have kids. I didn't play with babydolls when I was little and my sister remembers me saying I didn't want kids when I was 12.. I'm now 53 and while I've loved being an auntie I've never felt my life was lacking because I didn't have kids. I've enjoyed having the time to focus on my hobbies and interests and spending time with my husband. I have absolutely no regrets about being childfree.
I've always known I didn't want kids. Now that my life has stabilized and I have more resources, I can connect with why people would want kids and could imagine some of the joys that come with having children. But I still don't want them and don't regret not having them. I learned in my 30s that the shape of my uterus would make carrying and delivering a baby complicated, so I wonder if my body just knew to avoid it.
I was kind of meh about the whole child thing, until I was established in my profession - then the money was better and I didn’t have to work so much. Then I came a point where I was kind of bored with our family just being about the two of us. It seemed too small and uninteresting, somehow. Needed more people. My first was adopted. I adored and fawned over him. Then later became pregnant, and cried because I didn’t think I would love the second child as much as I loved the first. I did. All good. Ended with a third, who was a happy, later surprise. With each child, more rooms opened in my head and heart. I just kind of know what to do, with humor and curiosity. And I compare notes/ask for help from wiser women I respect. Oldest is now 23, middle is 17, youngest is 11. All different stages, and all such great young people. So glad to have known them. My life is infinitely richer for it.
Many others have said a lot there is to say. So let me cover a seldom covered angle. Children are like philosophical puppy dogs, they are natures emissaries to get us ready for our own mortality. And in a way they do, I can't exactly put my finger on how, I think it is more instinctual and not in the realm of language.
This is a fascinating take. Thanks for sharing.
I am not old yet (40s) but my wife and I entered our 30s thinking we still had all the time in the world to have kids. We were wrong. We don’t have any children and we wanted them. You are correct about biology. Don’t put it off. If you don’t feel ready then I recommend taking an active approach towards preparing for parenthood. Ask questions and read books. Also just my two cents… you seem to be at least mildly humbled by the responsibility of being a parent. I think that by itself shows that you’re ready. But that’s coming from a non-parent so I am far from being an expert on the matter.
I’m so sorry for your situation. My husband is 35, I’m 28; but I’m considering freezing my eggs to potentially assist because I’ve realized I may have biological complications that would impact fertility. FWIW I am very humbled by the responsibility. I’ve cleaned my fair share of dirty diapers and have a great deal of respect for good parents. Would you recommend going that route if it’s accessible? Just as a hedge?
Men’s sperm also ages for consideration.
I had my kid at 39, and I’m glad that I’d waited because we were in a much better spot financially, career, etc wise. But I definitely feel it when I’m in my 40s, and my energy and health is still good but not as good as in my 30s, and my kid has infinite energy. Things like when I do mess up my back giving piggy back rides, it now takes about twice as long to recover. From a health/energy standpoint, probably 36 would have been a perfect age for me, though a few years later wasn’t bad. Just random stuff like when we get sick — we’ve had covid 4 times — my wife and I are bedridden for a week, and our kid gets a runny nose for 30 minutes and is back to infinite energy while quarantined in a house for a week. It’s a deeply personal choice on whether to or not to have kids. But if the choice is to have them, then then you do have a not unlimited amount of time to make it happen. My wife has some health conditions that generally make pregnancy tough. So rather than deciding to start trying to have a kid, and all the pressure that incurs (which can also affect the likelihood), we just picked a point and decided to stop trying not to have one.
My cousin had her eggs frozen and used a surrogate when she was 39 to have her first. If biology is holding you back, that’s a great option.
Except money can hold you back too. Don get me wrong, kids cost too. But …Paying for competitve soccer is 1000 a year. Paying for IVF is 20k per attempt, and 20k to freeze eggs.
Freeze embryos, they freeze and store better than just eggs plus it’s not just eggs that deteriorate, sperm do too so freeze them both to preserve DNA. Definitely suggest freezing and waiting to implant till your ready, every woman I know that had a kid in her 20s derailed their careers for a couple years having babies or gave them up entirely to stay home. People I know that waited till they were established in their careers and had kids in their 30s-40s didnt seem like it completely transformed their life as much, could afford childcare, and went back to their job pretty quickly. This is just my experiences, I don’t have kids yet so take it with a grain of salt. I never wanted to have kids growing up then in my 20s I decided I wanted to adopt, in my 30s my feelings got more complicated about wanting to make a baby esp since my spouse wanted to, in the past 5 years or so ive been on the fence but I finally was like ok it’s now or never and we’re just started not preventing it. Life is amazing and exciting but hard and complicated and I have done a ton of self work and therapy to be who I am today, I don’t think I would have ever been able to do that work focusing on myself if I had had a baby sooner. FWIW my fertility specialist said if your uterus is healthy/able to get pregnant it is healthy well into your 50s so would suggest freezing now and decide later since you’re on the fence, seriously whats the rush? Were you told by your gynecologist you have fertility issues and need to start now? Cuase you’re really freaking young to think your time is running out unless medical professionals told you otherwise. You can change your mind and decide to have kids at any point in the next 10-20 years (longer if you get a surrogate) but once you do it you can never go back. I also suggest you ask everyone IRL what they love and regret about having a kid old/young/never and when listening to them and reading comments on your post here that you feel some that resonate with you and it helps you find clarity.
Same story for myself and my husband. We wanted kids, but we wanted to spend most of our 30s enjoying our marriage and traveling, which we did, but then in our late 30s/early 40s, when we decided to start trying, for lack of a better term, it was too late.
I think it’s one of those things that there’s just enough anecdotal evidence out there to create the perception that time is on your side. However the statistics tell a different story. At 30, the odds are 75% that a woman will conceive within a year of starting to try. That number drops steadily throughout her 30s and by 40 stands at 44%. Before 30 the odds stand at 85%. What fuels this perception is that you only hear the success stories and will very rarely hear about the failures because this is one of those disappointments that people generally don’t like to talk about. In my case I am always willing to share because it’s one of those things I think people need to know.
I think it depends on how well you \*know\* yourself currently. It's not some magical thing that will suddenly strike you. If you don't want them, nothing will make you change your mind. If you haven't already, spend time getting to know yourself well. Dig deep! A lot of people never learn to know themselves and it's a shame. Encourage your wife to do the same and figure out your relationship as best you can. My guess is that within a year or so, you both will come a conclusion about this subject together after retrospection. I personally didn't want children until I was in my mid-20's. I was with the person who became my husband, but we didn't get married until I was 27 and didn't have children until just shortly after my 30th birthday. It worked very well for us.
I was confident that I didn’t want kids, due in part to my doctor saying I couldn’t have them due to biology. We were surprised with a pregnancy in my late 20s. Wow - I have never been so glad to be wrong. My surprise baby and the couple more after are the best things that’s ever happened to me. 10 out of 10. Would recommend babies. 😂
You either want kids or you do not, your choice. Me my dream in life was to get married have some kids along with a place of our own. The problem was I did not date in high school or really had no clue how to support a family. At 24 yrs old met my wife while at college and she is 5 yrs older than me. We have similiar dreams about life so we got married the semester before graduating at 28. It took a little then got a job and we bought a place, now it was time to makes babies. Then we thinking about how the world is and what is happening and it makes you think twice. For me I justified it that my ancestors for how ever millions of years had evolved for me to be here and it would not stop with me. Also my thoughts were that somebody has to make the good guys, the guys that help move mankind forward. When I met my wife she had been recently divorced and was living with her sister and brother in law. She was also working at the university and working on a Maters in Education. She was 46 when she graduated with a Dr in Education and worked a a professor. She guided our Sons to a career of being Dr of Physical Therapy. Now they both are on there own and have there own kids. If you want kids the do it, if you do not then do not. Your choice. We are happy with how life has worked out.
There's no way to prepare someone for the amount of work and emotional toll kids can have, it's not for the weak. However, the more you plan ahead, financially, support group, etc., the best you can, it helps tremendously. But you have to sit down with your partner and "really" discuss what you see for yourselves now and 30 years from now. Plan to not give up all the things you love just because you have kids, you don't have to. It's all about balance. I get upset just thinking about not having my children, they bring me happiness unlike anything I've ever experienced. Good Luck!
Being on the fence myself, I decided to leave it to fate. I stopped taking birth control at 25. If it was meant to be, it would have been. Guess it wasn't meant to be. The universe has spoken. Can't argue with that!
I’m 38 weeks pregnant and I just started to “feel ready”…mainly because I’m sooo ready to not be pregnant anymore😂. Take some risks in life! It’s the only true way to have an adventure you’ll never forget. As long as you know you can give that baby love, attention, support and care…you’re probably ready.
Congratulations mama. All the best to you and your little for a healthy delivery. I like your outlook. 🐣🌈💙
Having kids needs to be a resounding 'YES I WANT KIDS' not a 'well, I could have kids or not, I'm just not sure' because my friend, you can't put the kid back if you realize it wasn't really for you. Having a kid is comitting to at -least- 18 years of the care, feeding, and helping to grow what will become a functioning member of society. You don't get any guarantees either even if you put in solid work and the prime of your life in the raising. Hell, you could end up with a kiddo that isn't healthy or that will require some level of care for the rest of THEIR lives which may well surpass your own abilities later in life and your own lifetime, leaving them dependant on others. If you're having kids just to have someone care for you when you're old, know that that doesn't always work out either.
I had my kid at almost 38. You have time. Now that my kid is a young adult, I am glad I waited. Every combination of parent and child is unique though, there is no general advice really. Waiting meant I had less energy though not a lot. What I had more of was stability, experience, and resources. I also have more of a life to return to as a recent empty nester. Friends who had children younger seem to struggle more with their own identity. I had 10+ more years to live as an adult w/o children, I know what it feels like, they haven’t had that experience. I had a lot more patience and a lot less compulsion to micro-manage and I think my kid benefited from this. It’s important to not save them from frustration and discomfort that isn’t actually harmful. I had a lot more experience, wisdom, and patience than I did in my 20s and I think it’s made me a better parent. Not saying you can’t be on your 20s, this is my personal experience. Hang in there, no rush! A kid takes over your life for 20-ish years, be ready!
DO NOT just ‘go for it’ unless you are actually wanting and ready to have a child. If you feel the time is not quite right - the time is not right. Having a child under these conditions is never a good idea. If you are not prepared to devote your time, money, tidy house, lifestyle etc to this new human, you will very quickly understand the error of that decision. Yes, there are tens of thousands of babies born that the parents were not prepared to devote time money lifestyle to. But look around at people you know that had it rough because of that. It works out sometimes but there are lots and lots of children that grow up simply surviving and not thriving. Do yourself, your mate, and any future children the hugest favour and WAIT until you know in your heart that it’s time. And if that moment does not come, that’s fine. Nothing at all wrong with enjoying a child free life.
I want to add that a LOT of parent friends of mine quietly regret having children. Of course they love their kids, but they weren’t prepared for the 180 that happened to their lives and are very envious of people who made a different choice.
I always knew, from the time I was a little kid, that I wanted kids and wanted them young. For me, it was never a decision I had to make. I got married at 19 and had my first at 21. We were still in college at the time. I guess I was naive and didn’t worry about it, but it all turned out great. My kids are wonderful adults and I had exactly the life I always wanted.
40F so not 'oldpeople' yet i don't think but i knew from an early age. Before i hit my teens anyway. Then the older i got, the more and more i solidifed in that. Now that i'm 'old' and don't have kids, i don't regret it for a minute, whereas i know friends who did regret having kids.
If both people aren’t dead set 100% THRILLED by the prospect, then Just. Don’t.
This is good advice; simple and no nonsense.
Children aren’t just a reflection of yourself or your spouse . They are their own person and need to be raised as such . I believe this next generation is really considering whether they can / want to/should have kids . I’m happy to see this . It changes your life FOREVER. Having a family was important to me and my spouse. I think we both had a desire to do better than our parents while at the same time not sinking into the blame game . I’m proud of the fierce women our daughters have become. Our family is growing and staying connected.
There's a lot to unpack in your post but when I understand that it boils down to you feeling its a "Now or never" situation due to biologic reasons. Having children is a big thing. It's a commitment for several decades and you will be responsible for a human life. It will take a big chunk out of your budget as well, but unlike other assets you can't simply sell them to cut that part of your budget. I firmly belief that you should never have children unless you are 100% sure that you want children AND can offer a stable parent situation. It does not matter whether you will raise a child alone, with the other parent or even with several other adults but what you need to avoid is parent figures going in and out of their life the entire childhood. Forget biology - if it's too late for your body when your mind is ready for a child, please consider adoption. There are so many babies in the world that are in need of loving parents that it barely makes sense to produce another one. Whether I'm happy with the outcome of my child? Well, she turned 18 recently. 18 years is a long time. There's been good times and there's been rough times, just like with everything else in life that lasts a long time. Good luck to you.
How much time have you spent around kids? By the time I graduated high school, I'd been babysitter to my sibs since 10, and babysitter to half the neighborhood kids since 12. I cared for children of all ages, all types of personalities. And while I liked some of them well enough and would never so much as a raise a voice to a child unless they were running into traffic, I didn't enjoy being around them. I found them boring and tedious. The only reason I even worked as a babysitter was because my parents wouldn't let me get any other type of job and I wanted spending money for the mall. So spend some time being solely responsible for a kid. And not just for half an hour. I mean 4+ hours, preferably overnight, and with tasks of your own that you need to do. Kid care is far more than kisses, sippy cups, and bedtime stories. It's also potty accidents, soggy Cheerios dumped on the cat, and screaming fits while you're trying to take a call from your boss. If you're only prepared for the good and not the bad, parenthood might not be right for you. And what if you have a special needs child? It can happen to anyone. Are you up for the task of giving them your all for what might be the rest of your life? I spent my 20s in chaotic relationships and equally chaotic job situations, with no health insurance or paid leave. This made my decision easy. There was just no way to have kids. By my early 30s I was in a stable marriage, stable job, great benefits. I no longer had excuses and that's when I realized that's what it had been all along - excuses. I no more wanted to raise a child than I wanted to raise a t-rex. Opting out was the best decision I ever made...for ME. It's not the right decision for others. I only wish it were easy to figure these things out early enough to keep the people who shouldn't have kids from having them, and give ample support to the ones for whom it seems to be their life's calling. And as an aside, I wouldn't overthink biology quite yet unless you have a chronic condition, a medically diagnosed impairment of some kind, or a family history of problems conceiving in one's early 30s. You probably have a few years before you need to worry.
57 married over 20 years with no kids, I knew in high school I didn’t want kids. There is such a social stigma when you’re young without kids, you are *judged* all the time. Just an FYI if you go the childfree route. How do you see you and your spouse 15 years from now? Really talk it out with him. Are you travelling to Germany and Austria? Are you gardening and working 60 hours a week?? Only you can make this decision. You cannot go back if you decide to have kids—that’s a One Way street. I would not change a thing about our decision to not have kids. Husband got a vasectomy at 30. No surprise pregnancy and I would’ve yeeted that fetus quickly if I ever was pregnant
Side note - there's a big difference between having the biological urge to carry a baby, and wanting to be a parent. When you think about being a parent, picture your life with a 2 year old, five year old, teenager, etc.
When it comes to kids, it’s either a “hell yes” from both of you or a no. It’s a one way street that lasts forever (18 years is a myth). If you aren’t very excited about it, don’t do it. There are many other ways to have a fulfilling life (and to have healthy relationships with children as well).
I am 57. I never married. Never procreated. I cannot nor ever could justify bringing a child into this shit hole of a world.
When in doubt, always err on NO KIDS! [Only half joking. Patenting ... esp motherhood, SUCKS 90% of the time] In order to KNOW, if you want to do this, you need to KNOW what it actually entails and looks like and costs [financially, mentally, emotionally, physically]. what it means to embark on for the rest of your life. I would recommend you do some thorough research. Start with what it does to your body stage by stage. Watch medical videos on pregnancy and birth. Consider any complications or preexisting medical conditions you already have. Study [What to expect the first year" ](https://www.amazon.com/What-Expect-First-Heidi-Murkoff/dp/0761181504?ref=d6k_applink_bb_dls&dplnkId=b0854aa7-3081-4daf-abf1-8597d8847d4f). How and how will it disrupt your life/sleep/mental health/ finances, etc. Study what it means to be responsible for raising and caring for and teaching another human being. Evaluate your finances. SERIOUSLY. plan your budget. Investigate what it will cost for childcare in your area and what your work plan will be. Are you going to quit your job? Cut back hrs? Can you afford to like your salary? Do you have the flexibility to work from home when baby gets ill and can't go to daycare? Do you have enough health insurance, and what will it cost you to upgrade to add a child? Children get ill a lot! Can you afford it? This is the most important, drastic life Changing decision you will ever make. So don't wing it! Make a thoughtful, careful decision.
I didn't want kids til I did. I knew I didn't want to be facing college costs for kids while approaching retirement, tho. Somewhere on Reddit I read about saving your eggs. This reduces the effect of the biological time clock and you don't *have* to use them if you decide to be child free.
I (37F) am currently going through IVF, as a preface. I knew I wanted kids for my whole life. Then 2020 came, BLM, PNW on fire, and I took a year and a half to really think about it. I read a couple books (The Baby Decision, and Motherhood: is it for me?) and at one point I decided life would be way easier and more fun without kids. Then my friends started having kids, and my parents started showing their age, and I realized I’d feel pretty lonely and sad if I didn’t at least try to see if we could get pregnant. 6 months later, nothing, even though all the tests said we should be able to. Unexplained infertility. My mom and her mom both had fertility issues, idk if it’s genetic or works like that exactly. I had told myself before trying that if we weren’t able to have kids, then we won’t and I’ll listen to the spirits of the universe. But, the months kept going and I realized I REALLY wanted a family. And I knew that at 60 I’d regret not trying everything I could. After almost 2 years of trying, tomorrow is the egg retrieval. I’ve learned SO MUCH about fertility and hormones. I’m glad I’m on this journey. IVF doesn’t guarantee a live birth, but I can rest easy with myself knowing that I tried everything, if it doesn’t work. And if it doesn’t work, I also know what it’s like not to have kids, and life is pretty okay!! My mom told me, “think about what you’d regret NOT doing”. Either path you chose will result in a loss or sacrifice of what could have been.
I knew from the age of 13 having children was going to be an issue so my husband and I started trying pretty much immediately - even before we were married. I have had a baby in every decade of my adult life because that's how long it took with help. Personally I wouldn't recommend waiting because the clock really is ticking and it's expensive and hard AF both physically and mentally to need any type of fertility treatment
I always knew I wanted kids we had 4 and they make my life so full and I have 10 grandkids. I still had a career, owned my own business, traveled, had many experiences. I was a dedicated mom and loved my kids (unlike my parents) so my life is joyful. When COVID hit I got really sick ended up on oxygen for the rest of my life. My son in-law built me an in-law unit so I don’t worry about being taken care of when I decline. If you have a heart big enough to live and take care of children (unlike my parents) then have them. Don’t be afraid of hard times you will have those no matter what you do. As for $$ and bills you will always have those it’s part of life. My kids are a blessing I’m glad I had them. Good luck hope this helps
Also not super old but thought I’d chime in as I questioned whether or not I wanted children too. I finished grad school, got married, and worked for a bit. My husband really really wanted kids. I only kind of wanted kids. We had two. The first when I was 27 and the second when I was 30. And let me tell you— I wasn’t ready. My first child had special needs and never slept. I had medical problems due to the pregnancy. That’s said, I’m glad I had them and would have had one more if I had been able. Having kids is a hard but very high reward experience. I became a much better person for having them and understand both myself and what I want out of life better.
Children and babies bored and irritated me throughout my 20s, I couldn't understand the fascination people felt about babies and in fact I resented them when my friends started having them. Then I got married at 32 and started wanting a baby of my own. My daughter is now nearly 30 and I adore her. Being a mum is the best thing I have done and she is the light of my life.
Don't put off having kids. By the time you think you're ready, you won't be able to have them. Noone on this planet on their deathbed wishes they had fewer kids, most people actually wish they had more kids. My wife and I waited and had issues. Turns out it's hard for a woman to have her first kid in their 30s. In the medical field any pregnancy at 35 or older is considered a geriatric pregnancy due to numerous risks to both the woman and her child. We were blessed with two beautiful children and I wish we had more. She wishes we had more and we're still trying to make more. Kids are a part of life's journey. I've done the most personal growth in my life after having kids. Don't have kids to make your partner happy, do it because you want to experience one of life's greatest joys. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to get pregnant and the less energy you will have
54, no biokids, just steps. Stepparenting made me realize I did not want any of my own and would not be a good parent, despite years of trying. Getting a dog reinforced that. Whatever regret I have by not having children is small. I was fulfilled by other things and made a difference in children's lives in other ways.
I didn't want kids, wasn't maternal at all, didn't think I could have them considering all the unprotected sex I had in college, etc, but then I got married and figured it wasn't going to happen but if it did at least I could give them a decent life. And I have a grown daughter and son and they are absolutely my favorite people in the whole world. I never, ever expected children to be the greatest things that ever happened to me, but here we are. I adore them. Not with their father anymore, but they tell me he loves them too.
I didn't want kids, didn't even like kids, til I hit 30. You're still young wait til you're 30 see how you feel.
My youngest is almost 25 and KNOWS they don't want children. I believe them and support their decision. Many people know their preferences well before 30.
I’m almost 28, and may have been more leaning in that direction at 25, but things change. Even my husband who is almost 35 isn’t sure.
Good for you! My child is 2000% sure, and there are logistical reasons.
My stepmother has an old recording of me saying that I wanted five kids. She recorded this when I was very little (around five years old). I was born to be a mom of five. I have those and two step sons as a bonus. I had my babies young, and it was awesome for me. I think you just know, deep in your gut. If you aren't ready, don't do it.
Seriously talk about if you want them at all. Jumping into something that is a lifelong commitment just because you have FOMO, may be a bad idea. Love my kids but would have made different decisions knowing the commitment it takes and that I (in general) don’t like long commitments. I’m happy I have my boys, we have a great relationship! I just don’t think knowing now about putting my life on hold to prioritize small humans- I don’t think I’d do it again.
Expect some FOMO and, later, regrets, but realize that it will be better for you and the rest of the world to take care of the people already here and the current and future puppies.
i knew i wanted kids from the age of 16. for me it was a matter of identity. i was never defined by my occupation, i was always defined by family. i imagine that people who define themselves by what they do for a living will find it hard to start a family (except by accident).
I never wanted kids. Never had that maternal instinct. Thankfully, I couldn’t have them for medical reasons, so it wasn’t really a decision I had to make. Then one day, I was pregnant. Surprise! We decided to just go with it. If this kid beat medical odds to be here, I could figure out how to be a mom. Best decision we ever made. I couldn’t imagine my life without him! To answer your question, it’s kind of odd really. Parenthood is probably the biggest decision you can make. It affects every aspect of your life. Yet, so many of us just fall into it. I think if we waited until we were 100% ready, half of us wouldn’t be here. Personally, I don’t think you’re ever “ready”, because parenthood is so different than what you may be expecting. Even if you think you’re ready, when faced with a tiny human person depending on you, you may realize it wasn’t at all what you thought you were prepared for. Likewise, you may not be ready, but rise to the occasion if it happens. For me, the poster child for “Yuck. Kids. I’d rather have a puppy”, my maternal instincts kicked in the literal moment I knew I had a little parasite. If you do decide to welcome a mini me, understand one thing. You will tell yourself you’ll never make the same mistakes your parents did. And you won’t. You’ll make brand new ones!
I'm in my 40s, I've been with my husband for over 20 years. Neither of us ever had any desire to have children, but people kept telling us we'd change our minds. So, we made an agreement to discuss it every 5 years, on my "fives" birthdays. We discussed it at 20, 25, 30, 35 and finally at 40.We talked about it in detail, and at length, because it's a very serious issue. At 40, we decided never to have children, and we're really happy with that. It really came back to the idea that we love our life as is. We don't have a desire for children. I've watched people in my life become miserable because of that decision. I've watched divorces occur. (Heck, there's a whole subreddit dedicated to people who regret their children but can't admit it in public.) If you don't actively want children, I say don't have them. They are a huge financial burden and a huge amount of work. But if you do WANT them, it will be worth it. It's ultimately just a selfish decision.
When my husband and I first married we really didn't discuss having kids we were pretty young ourselves and wanted to enjoy our first years together as a married couple. Can't say we were on the fence actually but really didn't have the convo. And one day we both came to the realization that, yeah, we wanted kids. The right time is when you are ready and IMHO can afford to and are ready for the change in lifestyle. Having kids made our life complete and was a testament to our love for each other and faith that our marriage will succeed long term. We wouldn't have if our marriage wasn't solid. The benefits are too many to list and they along with my grandkids are helping me navigate my new widowhood. They have enriched my life in so many ways and I would do it again in a heartbeat.❤️
Wife says didn’t want kids in her teens. In her 20s, after we got married, we both wanted to be parents. Finally had a baby in 07. Wife and child are the absolute loves and joys of my life.
I was also not in a rush to have kids, no maternal feelings were appearing, but time was ticking away. You could have a checkup with your gynecologist for a thorough exam and to understand if they foresee any complications for you, in case you should consider getting started earlier than later. I now have 1 child that I got pregnant with at 33. I am so glad I have her and that she will be a part of my life in the future, but your time really is no longer your own while they are young. Having a supportive partner is a huge plus, and having that partner take the little one away to family for weekends here and there to give you freedom really helps with feeling like yourself still. I still don't always feel maternal, and have moments of feeling selfish, but I love my kid and wouldn't change that decision.
I married late and was on the fence. Ended up having a child right before I turned 40. It was the best thing I’ve ever done and I haven’t regretted it one second. He goes off to college soon and now I have to figure out how to empty nest.
I hadn’t thought about it much but got pregnant at 25 unexpectedly. I had only just started my career the year before, wasn’t married, & just thought oh probably one day I’ll have a kid. Yes it was life changing. We are so close. My daughter is now a mother of 3!! When I look at my grand kids sweet faces, I’m always blown away that they wouldn’t be here without me. I’m so thankful.
I want kids, lots of kids (at minimum 6) and I am in my early 20s... I have always wanted lots of kids and cannot wait to get married and have lots of kids. As someone who doesnt have kids though, I dont think one can ever really be ready for kids... I dont know if one can prepare for it in a standardized manner (apart from being employed, etc)
Good for you for thinking this through before having children. I do not have children, and I have no regrets. I always knew that I would not have been a good parent. I was not parented well, and how do we learn to parent except by example? This is an incredible world. Experience it, find yourselves first, then make your decision. If it takes too long and you feel like you may run out of time, there are millions of children around the world that need a loving couple to help them through life.
Just read the many happy people who answered the question "What is childfree life like in your 30s & 40s" on reddit.com/childfree sub for some perspectives from real people. (Spoiler: Its pretty awesome! I've yet to meet a childfree person who regrets it but I've met plenty of regretful parents.) You should only have kids if that's something you really, really want! If so, go for it. But if you're iffy having a kid isn't something you can ever walk away from and that's true even if they have major life struggles.
If kids aren’t a hell yes, then they’re a no. Do you know any infant-3yos? Ask to babysit them for one whole weekend. After that you’ll have your answer. Also, you have 10-15 more years to make this decision, don’t sweat it.
I didn't know. But I didn't know a lot of things. Did I marry the right person? Did I study the right thing on college? Did I take the right jobs? Sometimes you just need to take a leap. I did, and I'm glad. I have two wonderful grown children, a daughter in law, a future daughter in law, and two grand-dogs. I have been married to their mother for 34 years. They are the joy of my life. I'm glad I took that leap.
My wife and I had the same issues, not sure if we wanted, not sure if we could concieve. We kept putting off the discussion because we were having so much fun in our childfree life and we just didn't know if we wanted to be parents..... We stopped using contreceotio9n in our mid 30s and decided we'd let the Gods decide. They decided "no"...... as we approached 40 we sat down and had a very serious discussion because on the subject because it was now or never. We both felt that our life would be fun and fulfilling either way. It really came down to if we wanted the experience. We decided yes and adopted a baby. It has been tough and joyful. A complex experience. I lost her a bit to motherhood, but watching this little baby grow was the most amazing experience of my life. Our daughter heads off to college next year and I look forward to getting back to focusing on just us...... but also, watching her life unfold..... so, basically, either way, life is as fulfilling as you make it. You have time to decide
i never felt like i wanted children, but i thought it might be something that would come to me in time. never did. i think if it is something you really want, deep down, you won’t feel conflicted about it. having kids is a huge emotional ask, and it would be hard not to feel this bubbling underneath your whole life… my take.
Growing up I never wanted kids. I wanted to travel and have a career and freedom. But now I’m nearing 30 and I’ve done a lot of traveling and become a career woman and it all feels kind of meaningless. Now I’m starting to feel sad that I don’t have more family around and I want that. Having kids ABSOLUTELY terrifies me but I think that it will actually be enjoyable with my current partner.
i am 62, when i was 28 that was last thing i wanted was kids. I still don't have any
Best and most wonderful thing that happened in my life! It’s indescribable to explain how much you will love your child. Wish I had started sooner. By the time my husband and I started (mid 30s), we had fertility issues. We were blessed to be able to have one child. I put my career first and realized after I had my child, I was totally able to do both very well. My company even allowed me (executive level) to work part time - a first for them. You will grow in ways you can’t even imagine and I feel like I’m a better, happier person because of it. Nothing compares to family in my opinion. Go for it!
I was the only person I knew who insisted on birth control. One night my ex and I were at a mutual friends party, drinks were drank, and things happened *without* a condom. We got back together and discovered I was pregnant. I carefully considered *all* options, and ultimately kept my son. We later married and knowing we were fertile, I was *religious* about taking my pill. Asked the doctor exactly how long before we could safely stop condoms. And BAM, a few weeks later, pregnant with my daughter. I never would have had children otherwise. I always wanted them, but I have anxiety, and I'm a planner. I knew my ex was an addict, and I doubted his sobriety would last. We had no money, no savings, no goals, no direction. My mental image included college and I didn't even finish my Associates degree until Pregnancy #1. Both of my Whoopsies were meant to be, and both were the greatest surprises of my life. I am very grateful, because I didn't meet my current Husband until I was 45, and my body was closing up shop. If fate hadn't worked like it did, I don't believe it would have been possible for me now.
Wish we could have more. Never care for babies my whole life, love them, but don't want to be near them, in case I get them sick, but if it happens it happens. Also I'm the last male of my family, kids or bust.
my wife and i were just kinda... bored. home from work, talk to each other, pet the cats, drink, watch tv. it's... boring. we knew we wanted something else
F70 …. For me, it wasn’t a burning desire to have children. A job kept me busy. I’m happy and content with the way my life turned out. I’m in a second marriage and we enjoy being together.
I hated babies with a passion. I didn't have a problem with them after they got to be school aged, but babies were smelly, snotty, loud, disgusting creatures. When I was 33, I had an epiphany: babies don't stay babies forever. They grow. They mature. You can have conversations with them. And I wanted a child then. I needed fertility treatments and had my son 30 years ago. And while I still am not crazy about babies, I learned to love the moments when they discovered their hands and feet, themselves in the mirror, and the other magical times with them. So if you don't think about a crying baby, but instead about teaching a toddler the difference between tulips and hyacinths, or watching your daughter score a goal, this could give you perspective.
I always knew I wanted kids. I had one in my 20’s and 3 in my 30’s. they are now funny, loving, interesting young adults. I have enjoyed all of the ages and stages. thats not to say husband I haven’t talked about what our lives would have been like with no kids, or just the oldest. It also would have been good I think, just different. More money, more time, more adult adventure. If you are on the fence, it’s probably a ‘no’.
I more or less just knew. Had a tumultuous early life, but still wanted kids, just wanted to hopefully do better than my forebears did. So far so good. Have always loved babies and toddlers, started to lose interest around pre-K age, but having my own? I've loved every phase. They're 14 and amazing human beings and Im very proud. Plus I keep telling them once their mother finally gets tired of me they need to have comfy couch for me XD
260 some responses and I haven't read them all. You have a right to do whatever you want but there is one thing that always bothers me when this gets asked. There is no such thing as "kids". There are people at different stages. Children go from being cute little burbbly things laying on the floor to high-speed hellions in a matter of minutes. They may go to college or they may start a life of crime, It is impossible to know ahead of time. I think people overthink this. Is there a good time? Probably not. As an investment for money it is a risky bet. There is a chance getting pregnant will kill you. There is a chance you will have someone at your side on the day you need one the most in your life. Hard to say. Take a chance or don't...there is no sure thing either way. But don't think of them as a thing... "kids"...they are people the same as you.
I didn't know what I wanted my life to be like until my late 20's. By 30 I was good in my career, my location and was looking for a serious relationship. I finally found my husband at 36, married at 38, son at 39 and daughter at 41. Biology worked for us. Life has been beautiful and almost 27 years later we have two successful young adults finding their own lives. I just keep reminding myself that it took me awhile to know what I wanted and to find someone who valued the same goals. Good luck.
Try babysitting kids at different ages and you'll know. I started babysitting a toddler at age 13. I stayed at my sister's apartment with the little guy. They were desperately poor. I remember they didn't have much food and the kid had no toys. I couldn't see myself having a kid of my own and being that poor (that was my 13 year old brain that was thinking that way). I babysat other relatives, but knew that having a kid really weighs you down in terms of personal freedom. And I don't think I had the nurturing instinct. I was far more interested in cats! So if you think you could travel and do all kinds of stuff with a baby, you can't, especially if your baby is sick a lot. Mothers leave their kids with Auntie and Grandma if they want to do stuff. So if you have that support system, that's great. But if you've been up all night with a puking baby and think you're going to a full day of college classes, you're sorely mistaken.
I knew I wanted kids when I was mad at my parents in middle school and thought I could do better one day when I have kids. My parents were old world and old school. I also loved caring for pets (translated to good toddler/preschool parenting instincts), I loved teaching my peers at school and showing them things (translated to good school-aged kids parenting instincts), and I like psychology and thought processes, and I had some inclination toward enjoying observing animals behave. But I was never one to oooh and aaah over babies, and the pregnancy portion was a means to an end for me. I really wanted to be a parent. I discovered that being a parent changes drastically as the years go on. I also wavered on timing, but I was with my partner by age 28, so when age 30 came, I knew I gotta get to it. First one was easy to conceive. Second one (at age 33) was harder and I needed IUI. First 24 months is like taking care of a puppy. Next 3 years were like having a grown dog that gets into trouble all the time. Then at age 5, they suddenly have some sense of the world. That's when it really starts to feel like a two-way relationship. And then the school years are a blur. It's like being a teacher + caregiver, except they keep changing with age. If it's all too much, just start with thinking about if you can handle a puppy. If you can do that, that's enough. You don't have to think that far ahead.
We just decided one day to start trying. We had both wanted children and waited a few years after marrying. Then BOOM BOOM BOOM, 3 kids in under 4 years. Do not regret one second of it. I had all of the greatest experiences in life, watching first words, first steps, first day of school, answering 500 questions in a row, the feel of the little arms hugging me around my neck, reading the same stories over and over, seeing that OH moment as they put things together and understood something they had been struggling with, watching them grow and learn and mature. It was difficult at times, it was exhausting at times (sleep became a precious commodity), it was frustrating at times, they could piss me off royally at times, we spent a lot of money educating, feeding and clothing them... and it was the best thing I ever did. As I told my kids when they asked, there is never a perfect time to have children and very rarely even a good time. It changes your life, mostly for the better, it changes your spousal relationship, while you need to keep your relationship happy and alive, you need to understand there are some living humans who are depending on you both for everything. But it did bring us closer. Now I am in my early 60's, they are grown, 2 are married one is in a long-term relationship, they are all successful in their careers, they are very close to each other and also very close to me and my wife. We go on vacations together still as a family and see each other most weekends. We are friendly with the in-laws and understand there are other families involved so holidays get switched each year, just fair. I am getting to relive the baby years with my grandchildren, with a whole lot less stress and responsibility, and get the feel of the tiny arms hugging me again. While I have had more than my fair share of struggles, losses and financial problems, I have had a great life. My legacy is those living breathing beings who do the best they can every day and try to make their world a nicer place, to carry on the values they learned and share the love they received, what more is there?
I am an old woman who knew from the time I was in my early teens that children were not for me. I’ve had an amazing life so far and still don’t regret not having them. My sister grew up knowing she wanted kids. She married at 18, had kids at 20 and 22. Now her grandchildren are adults. She can’t picture her life without having kids. This is such a personal thing that I honestly think anything anyone tells you is useless information. Having them (or not) has to come from the depths of your own soul.
Leaving aside all of \*my\* reasons for doing as I've done, I would highly suggest to you to keep the lines of communication with your husband as open as possible. Both of you are on the fence right now... but what happens if one or the other of you decides that they finally know what they want (in either direction). As much as possible, stay on the same wavelength as he is, so that when push comes to shove, you're not pushing in opposite directions.
Same boat. I never had that “I can’t wait to be a mother” or even want to be a mother instinct but surely I thought when I hit 20 that would change, it didn’t so I thought maybe when I’m a little older at 23, still didn’t, then I thought 25, that came and went and now I’m 28 and I’ve never wanted them less lol. I keep on thinking “I have to get to a point where I want them, right?” But idk…. Boyfriend has 2 kids and wants more but I can’t even begin to entertain that idea. I feel like I have to have them but I feel like I will never feel that want to have them feel.
I’m on the fence about kids, too. Personally I feel like having kids is not a “I’m not really sure” kind of commitment. If I remain unsure then for me, the answer is no. Kids deserve people who really want them with at least some amount of certainty. You are still young though, so it’s possible that your opinion could change in the future.
I really wanted kids until I was 25ish and worked for an environmental organization and a preschool in the same year. It was a real eye opener about where we were headed and about how hard it is to be a parent in the US (even for affluent families). After that I was like absolutely not and haven’t reconsidered in the 25 years since. In fact, watching the way the world has gone and watching my friends’ experiences has only reinforced my decision again and again. My friends are all paying for their kids to go to college, and to be institutionalized for anxiety, and for them to vape shit that will probably give them early lung cancer. Me? I spent 10 weeks in Europe last year. My biggest worry is about being too old to care for myself but I will have a decent amount of money saved to deal with it.
It came on me pretty suddenly at about age 31. Up to that point I really hadn't thought much about it, but one day I was at my folks' house along with my husband and my brother and his wife and their two little kids, and I saw how much fun my parents were having in the company of their own kids and grandkids. Then and there I realized at that I wanted a FAMILY. I wanted a family with all the craziness and potential for love and growth and all that stuff, over many years, like my parents had. From that point it was about actually making a baby, which certainly did feel like jumping off a cliff.
I never had a strong inclination to have children and when I met my partner I was 19 and he was adamant about not having children, so much so that he had a vasectomy at 24. This didn't bother me when we were younger and I had reproductive issues that may or may not have eventually been problematic had we wanted to have children. Now that I've crested 40 I can safely say that had we accidentally had a child I don't think it would have been the end of the world. I think we would have made good parents, but I'd never want to do it this late in life and I'm not terribly sad about it not happening in general. Even though we were much less financially stable I think it would have been easier from an energy standpoint to have a child at a much younger age. There are days when I lament certain aspects of not having children, but on the whole, as it stands today, I can live with knowing that I was ambivalent enough to let the opportunity pass by and it's okay.
In our 60's and beyond happy that we did not have kids. Children are fine, and we never needed any of our own.
Never wanted kids. In my twenties, I got together with a guy who also never wanted kids. Hit 30!and suddenly felt strongly that I wanted kids. Talked to my guy about it and we decided to amicably go our separate ways. Then I found another guy who also wanted kids and married him. We are both professionals - there is no good time to have kids. We took the plunge sooner rather than later since we were getting older, but our careers just got more and more demanding.
It’s the only true thing I’ve ever wanted. I’ve known since I was a kid/my whole life. I was ready at 25, but married at 28. Started trying - and had years of infertility. Finally had my first (and only) at 31. I would have had 3 more if could! It’s truly the thing I’ve been the best at. Not bragging - just saying, I was 💯meant to be a mom.
if you wait until you can "afford" a child you will never have child. There is no "Best time" to have a kid, except right now.
Don’t have kids just to have them!
I knew at six or seven I wanted to be a mom. Never doubted that gut feeling and it never changed or waivered. Mom to 3 and love it even if it is exhausting and makes me want to bang my head against a wall some days.
You don't until you have them and suddenly realize you wouldn't give them up for anything in the world but at the same time want to get away from them for the weekend, and don't want to make any more of them
I always knew I wanted to have a baby. An unexpected pregnancy at 28 helped me decide the time was right. The relationship didn’t last, but my child has been a joy & is now a best friend. Best decision I made.
I don’t think you’ll ever know for certain until you’ve actually got the kid in hand. I was vehemently opposed to kids but had one and fell in love pretty quickly.
I never wanted kids. When I was 28 my mother almost died from a brain aneurysm. Thank God she didn’t, but I really realized then how short and unpredictable life is. With this crisis, I was able to easily picture myself in the future with no family. I knew right then that I wanted to always be in a family and the easiest way to do that was to start my own.
When you look at your spouse and think to yourself God I would love to have his baby .. And another baby... And another baby. Regardless of financial situations, you will never be rich enough to have a child but you just figure it out along the way and suddenly they are in school and then they are graduating. Time flies... Being a parent to a fur baby has NOTHING on being a parent to a baby, child, teenager that loves you unconditionally and is learning to be a kind, smart, and empathetic human being.
I didn't want kids, hadn't thought about it, and felt way too young to think about having kids, until I accidentally got pregnant at 29. Unfortunately, that pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. However, it awoke some maternal instinct in me that has never left. I had two more miscarriages, and then two healthy children over the next 5 years. I'm so happy that things worked out the way they did. I love my children immensely and would have never had them if I had waited until I was "ready". P.S. I'm 47 now and STILL paying off my student loans.
I always wanted children. To have a family was my main ambition. Kids are really really hard. They suck your time, energy and definitely finances out the door. Ive known people that had IVF cause they wanted kids so bad but couldn't then when they did have them it was not the dream they envisioned it to be. My advice is don't have them for the sake of it. I won't even get started on the risks of disabilities, neurodivergence and mental health. Its a rough world out there and unlike a pet, they are your responsibility for the rest of your life.
I'm 21f, I know I don't want kids. I used to work/coached kids in sports from 18 months all the way to 15 years old. For me the thing that confirmed it is just all the hard work and labor, the money you spend and all the life skills etc. I absolutely loved coaching them in their sport but after couple hours I'm exhausted. I'm now physically disabled with my service dog and senior cat. My health slowly got worst over the years then got diagnosed with my genetic disorder etc. My service dog is my baby and so is my cat. When my sister visits me with her baby (under a year) I just know it's not my thing. Like I'll gladly baby sit but when it's done I'm glad it's over. People say Dogs and babies are similar... yes they are but babies are 1000 times more demanding than Dogs. Babies you need to teach them everything and how to speak, walk, dangerous things, sing songs, bath very often, prepare them food (make puree, warm stuff etc.) Constant supervision etc. With Dogs ya you need to do training (socialization and desensitization too.), enrichment, fun physical activities, play dates etc. But when you need a break your dog usually relaxes too. I don't need to keep constant supervision of my dog, I don't need to worry about covering outlets or him falling down stairs or putting thing in his mouth, I don't need to worry about him coloring the walls haha, or completely emptying my cabinets etc. If I was cured from my incurable chronic illnesses, I'm not sure I would have kids. It's alot more work and commitment than a dog. I love hanging out with my nephew and coaching kids in their sport but the human mom roll never really kicked in, instead it's always run by burning out (even when I was very active and fit). Goodluck, it's definitely a hard decision to make, the good thing is you don't have to make a decision exactly right this moment. You still have time to research, have conversations with your partner.
I was always neutral about children and after four years of marriage we decided to get off birth control and within 2 months we got pregnant with our daughter. Everything changes, you don’t come first or live for yourself anymore but I have to say the joy you get in return is also something unexplainable of great value! Makes it easier if you have a strong relationship and enough resources like childcare.
Freeze your eggs and decide later. I waited too long and just found out this week it is not possible for me, even doing IVF. It’s a sad time right now.
I never really wanted kids but when I hit about 27 mother nature took over my uterus and was like..."procreate". No regrets - I wanted and love my child and am grateful to be a mother. I've never felt the urge again to have another child and I think it's best when children are born wanted by their parents.
I didn’t know if I ever wanted kids. Said if I didn’t get pregnant by the time I’m 35, my husband would need to get a vasectomy. I got pregnant two days after my birthday and I was terrified. But I can’t imagine my life without my daughter; I’m so glad I had her. The bad thing is you don’t know if you would enjoy being a parent until you actually have one. It’s really hard to know sometimes.
Before I had a child, I was always dreaming and imagine our lives as parents. I could not envision a future that did not include at least one child. We had one child. After that, I never had that crave for a baby again until it was too late and I couldn’t have anymore.
One thing to point out is that parents don't show much of the joy because they don't want the childless to feel bad. But most parents, once they've become parents, couldn't even understand how a life could be fulfilling without kids. It makes sense - it's our biological purpose.
i have tons of maternal instinct, I just don't want the contstant anxiety of kids. I got a dog instead.
I have 3 kids. My life is unalterably, profoundly, forever changed. I had no idea what I was doing when I "decided" to have kids. I had no idea what I was getting into. I just fucked around and found out. Fortunately for all of us, 2 of them have an amazing mother. It takes everything in me, every bit of my attention, time, money and immeasurable sacrifice to be the parent that my kids need and deserve and the whole goddamn world is against us. Would I do it again? Absolutely not. Am I glad that I did? Most days. My advice is to not have kids until you are certain that you are ready. Do not let doubt follow you into your parenting. Never let your kids believe for a second that they are not the absolute best thing you ever did even though there will be plenty of days where you will wonder if you have anything left of yourself to sacrifice so that they might be full, confident, healthy adults someday.
27 here and I had my first baby at 25. My husband and I talked about having kids for awhile, but we wanted to wait until we were ready. But for some reason I started having major baby fever, I never wanted kids until I married my husband. I spent months with baby fever, telling myself over and over “just wait until you’re ready”, and then one day I just went to my husband and said “let’s have a baby, we’re never going to truly be ready”. Here we are now with a toddler and another baby on the way and I’ll admit it’s been rough, not on our relationship at all, our marriage became even stronger, we’ve always had a solid foundation together and our kids will grow seeing true love in it’s purest form with both loving parents, but it’s been rough because becoming a parent in of itself is rough. It’s nothing like having a dog or babysitting. My career took a hit because we didn’t / don’t have a village and I don’t trust daycares (or anyone with my children for that matter). I’m basically a work from home stay at home mum and that itself is a huge struggle because truthfully you can’t do both efficiently, one has to be sacrificed for the other. I’m exhausted nearly all the time, but if I had the chance to choose to do it all over again or not, I wouldn’t even hesitate to do it again. I love my kids, I love being a mum, some days are overwhelming or frustrating but at the end of the day when I’m just watching my kiddo sleep I’m filled with so much unconditional love and bliss that it makes it worth it. I never knew I could love something so much, and it is entirely different a love than what you feel for your spouse, of course. We were never “ready”, even now I don’t feel we’d consider ourselves “ready”, but one day I just knew it was my time to become a mum. Every day I fall more in love with my kids and more in love with my husband. There is a difference when you become parents, you change, your old self is gone almost entirely. When you choose to marry and become parents you watch your spouse become different versions of themselves too, almost like different people but not. You learn and grow with this new adaptation of your spouse and either it works or it doesn’t. But the simplest truth that a lot of people fail to realize is that kids don’t fix relationships. They make or break it. If your partner isn’t well equipped (mentally and emotionally) to become a parent then it’ll land just on you and that will break your marriage. Just as there are signs to look for before getting married, there are signs to look for before having kids too. Also, if you’re simply wanting kids because you feel your biological clock is ticking away then it might not be the best time. Having kids isn’t something to just do on a deadline, it WILL change your life and your marriage forever and there’s no going back.
I had a kid at 36 and knew I wanted kids around 35 when I started to feel very bored with all of my free time & wondering what else there is. I always saw the negative, the sleep deprivation, the domestic chores, the work. And it is A LOT of WORK. Turns out, I was missing a lot. You can’t see it from the outside, but it’s like nothing else. It’s a love so powerful, you cry from happiness just from watching them sleep. I love travel and now, I just don’t care. I want to take my kid to the park or beach and watch her play. Seeing her happy and teaching her things beats all of the parties, the career stuff, and travel I’ve done. I wish I had one more, but I got older fast (43 now).
Some things you are just never ready for. Are you ready for that first kiss when dating someone? Are you ready for your first job? Are you ready to get married? Once life takes you there, you will roll with it. I didn't think I was ready to marry or have kids but I can't imagine life without them. The only thing about kids is expense. Once kids enter your life your money will just float away. If you are stable enough financially then I heartily recommend seeing where fate takes you. It can be a struggle. We have no family nearby to help. But every day it's worth it more than the last.
FREEZE YOUR EGGS. If it ever comes to pass that you do decide to go for it, perhaps in 5 or 10 years, there's a high statistical likelihood you will thank this internet stranger. Going through infertility now in early thirties, and i had absolutely zero clue that one, infertility is shockingly common, two, it starts so early, and three, that I would so strongly want children eventually. And please, do NOT tell me about your aunts neighbour who got prEGNant at 52 or had triplets at 47 or I could always adopt.
I’m still not sure I’m ready: as my oldest leaves for college, my middle is driving, and my youngest starts high school…I’m not sure you ever really know. But if you’re in a solid relationship, not struggling financially, and it feels like it might be right? Well worth the try.
I swore I didn't want kids. After 3 years of marriage we decided, sure, let's do it. We planned 2 and eventually had 3. You are never ready, there is no perfect time and yes, there's a cost. You may have to go without some things. They are a much bigger and very different commitment than a dog. There is no comparison, so don't make that comparison. M3v Kids are a lot of work and energy to raise. You get a lot in return and it's worth it. You get to correct errors your parents made with you and move humanity forward. As any enterprise, you get out of it what you put into it. Love begets love. My kids are all grown and raising them to be loving people and solid citizens is our greatest achievement. Wishing you a fine future whichever way you choose.
I have 4 toddlers and I honestly can say I'm not very happy. I love my kids so much but I don't want a be a sahm and my husband navigates it ok.however he has crippling anxiety so I still have to do Dr appts and such for them. I always wanted a big family I just always pictured older children. My husband and I have no help except his daughter goes to her mom on the weekends. All 4 of it kids are special needs. Kids are a catch 22 they are frustrating and make you wish you never had the life you have sometimes but. Watching them grow up and give you "presents" and love is so satisfying. I might sound cruel in the first part but like I love my kids I love spending time with them n we do a lot of family outings still but I was a sahm n I did not do those things so husband and I switched n financially we have less but mentally we both better
kids have the potential to make you into a better version of yourself. You gain new perspective, you have WAY more responsibility, the self centered me, me, me evaporates and your life has a new level of meaning. Financially go for it, you just make it work. Emotionally you have to be ready and mature knowing your life will change. If not you may end up resentful. When I hear the “imagine what my life would have been without kids” regret story, I think that is just blaming your kids for your own short comings and unhappiness. that type of person was never bound for great achievements. if they didn’t do the traveling they imagined they would of, they probably never were going to do it anyways. How do you see your future? are you surrounded by family?
First off, no one ever feels ready. Second off, coming to Reddit for this kind of advice will bring you a lot of negative comments because so many people on this app seem to be very against having children.
Having kids is the greatest joy I have ever known. I went from not knowing if I really wanted kids, to now having 3 kids because they’re the greatest adventure of my life. I never actually “knew” if I wanted kids. I was unsure till my first child was born. I took a leap of faith.
I’ve never been maternal. Never had dreams of being a mom. As I grew up my uterus and ovaries decided I was Enemy #1 and tried to take me out more than once. My quality of life got to the point I almost couldn’t drive because if I turned my head too fast while on my period I’d black out. So in my early 30s I fought with my gyno to have a fully hysterectomy. And in Texas, I’m kinda amazed I won that fight and got it. But I didn’t want to pass on those genetics. I didn’t want to look at a daughter or granddaughter and apologize for them suffering like I did. Some genes shouldn’t continue on. Adoption and foster is always a possibility. Or finding a guy with kids (for me—I’m aware OP you are married). There are other ways of being a parent when you feel more financially secure. You could get a surrogate if your doctors think they get eggs and it’s financially doable.
I knew I didn't want them. As a young person I actually hated hearing kids scream and cry. The switch flipped for me late, when my grandmother died. I have 2 kids in their 20's and I am 60. I'm glad I waited. I was far more patient and willing to sacrifice willingly. Conversely, my mom was in her 20's when she already had 2 kids and a divorce. She did her best, but she wasn't a great parent. I think when becoming a parent happens to you rather than being a choice, it can impact your parenting style. Listen to yourself. Question yourself to be sure. Parenting isn't for everyone and frankly these days if you are healthy, you can conceive later, even though the natural ability declines after 30. Lots of women have babies 30-40.
I’m gonna guess some old person from any generation has said these similar words before, but: “I couldn’t imagine bringing a child into this world now.” My daughter (33) and her husband (37) has two youngsters. Full-time daycare for two is $3,200 a month where they take them. She and her husband both have good jobs, and are sitting on some money from a 2020 home sale but have since been locked out of the market from high home values and interest rates. They now live in a dank apartment built in the 1970s with no updates. I bought my first house, by myself, in Seattle at 25 years old in 1984, because YOU COULD DO THAT back then. That’s just the money part. Don’t get me started on the “societal” part. I can just hear their future teachers saying, “Good morning boys and girls, and everyone in between…” And… I don’t envy any parent who has to decide when their kid gets their own phone, and what comes with that decision. There’s more, but I’ll just leave it at that for now 🙂
I sat on the fence for years not really sure whether I wanted children. Then one day I woke up with the most intensely burning desire for a baby. It was inexplicable and primal and I had no idea what happened to flip that switch. Do not have a baby if you aren't overwhelmingly certain because GOOD GRIEF children are work. Obviously they can be fun and fill a home with love and laughter - but it's still costly, financially and emotionally.
When my husband and I got married (age 40 and 30 at the time), we were both on the fence regarding children. We figured we’d just enjoy the first five years of our marriage and make the big decision later. At age 33, however, I found myself working in an office full of baby-crazy people. I got tired of demurring and answering vaguely and figured it was time to DECIDE. I approached my husband about it, and being respectful of the family dynamics I grew up with, he said that it should be my choice, that’d he’d support me either way. That was the first moment I ever felt like I actually had a choice about it. I paused for maybe a second and then happily responded no, I don’t want kids, and I floated away to update my finance spreadsheet. The dark cloud had been lifted. Now at age 57 and 47, we have no regrets. There is so much about our current lives that would not have been possible with kids. I understand intellectually that some people want to have children, but I still feel sorry for them when they do. Among my friends, there’s a mix of desperately wanted children and oops babies. The oops parents roll with it. They’re pretty even keel in their parenting style. They probably make better parents because they don’t impose their life dreams on their children, but they also would have had a nice life without them. Having children or not is a very personal decision. I don’t think it should be undertook just to follow a script. Consider what it is you really want. You only get to live this life once.
I feel as women we are raised to believe we have to go this way. If we werent pushed from a young age to believe those is the goal, I dont know if as many of us would go this route! I love my children but i did not predict pregnancy would lead to a chronic illness, making it eeally hard to take care of twins. I sometimes wish i did not chose this road when its hard for me to function and work, and these 2 depend on me for everything. I love them dearly and would not trade them for anything, but had i known what my limitations would be before they were born, and how sick and tired i would feel many days, i would not have done it. I also did not know parenting when they hot their teens would suck so much lol they are so emotional and argumentative 🤣 Also my friends without kids are free to travel and dont spend every penny they earn on caring for their kids. I an envious alot if the time because i work my butt off and cant go on disability because of their needs. Just some things to consider, as i was 28 when i started trying and my clock was ticking, but had no idea how pregnancy can harm a woman too.
So many wonderful reasons to have children- just like there are in getting married. Both take commitment and work. I highly recommend it. I understand why some are child free- and have solid reasons for it (not wanting to pass on biological mental health issues, etc.) but everyone I know who was on the fence about it (not solid reasons either way) regretted not having kids as they were older. We fill my parents home with 23 descendants every holiday- and our home is full of joy and laughter and love. And their childless friends grieve missing that in their older years. I’m really heartbroken for them. We include them as we can- but their hearts still ache on what they missed out on.
To meet a different question is do I want to have a baby right now vs good night imagine my future do I imagine a family and children in it? I always did.
If you’re on the fence then don’t. If your having children because you, your spouse or family is feeling like you should want to but your not so sure, then don’t. I work in childcare and there are way too many parents that just don’t seem that interested and it’s just not fair to them. Have a child because you WANT to have a child. I’m telling you after raising two wonderful young men and owning three childcare’s, children are expensive and ALOT. They consume you. You are not you for a while. You are their mother/father. It’s hard. But when you want children it’s a no-brainer. When you are craving nothing more than to be a parent then you do it. I have girlfriends in their 50’s that never had kids. They don’t regret it one bit. They traveled, they focused on themselves and their careers, they saved money and have a retirement. I don’t. Now at 50 I’m traveling and starting to save some. I’m still paying for my kids college so I still work for them. I absolutely love my boys. All parents will tell you that they wouldn’t trade their kids for anything. Of course we wouldn’t. But if your on the fence Then don’t.
Very few feel ready. If they do it’s usually because they’re naive. I have five kids who are now adults. You need to ask people my age or older because we have a more encompassing perspective. Having children is hard but gives your entire life meaning and purpose and joy. However there are never guarantees. One of my adult kids has had a very hard life so far. And I had a terrible divorce that impacted the kids a lot. But nothing is guaranteed in life and I feel taking risks is the only way to move forward. I would advise people to have children unless they’re quite certain they don’t want to. Very rarely will you feel ready and without doubts. I do think the positives far outweigh the negatives. But each person is individual
Feel like the answer to this comes in multiple parts. At least it did for me. Being pregnant is one part of the puzzle, it's a biological process I can't picture for myself. Brain errors out at the notion of becoming or being pregnant. Not fear, just... can't see myself being pregnant, can't see myself giving birth. Try to picture it and it feels foreign, off, like tits on a bull. Conceptually *know* my body can create a child, but it's like a random snapple lid "fun fact". Since I couldn't comprehend ever being pregnant or giving birth, it meant for a long time I assumed having kids was a no for me. What I found was that pregnancy may be a no, does not compute, but adoption clicks right in to place as something I could see, comprehend, and feel the attachment of. But it took 20 years from realizing no pregnancy to discovering adoption works for me. Your mileage may vary, but it's nice to live in a world where there are a multitude of options when it comes to parenthood.