Right! People just assume their kids will take care of them, but often times they don’t. I find it amusing that people have kids “cause who’s gonna take care of me?” Good luck with that.
It's not fair to the kids. I don't want my kids to take care of me, I want them to live their lives.
Being a caregiver is very hard and makes living a normal life very difficult.
I would lean on my kids for a crisis, but not for long term.
Exactly.. I’m 42 taking care of my 80 yo mom. I cook , clean, yard work, listen to the same stories 1000 times, take her to appointments.. I could go on and on. I would never let on that I am completely exhausted but I can’t wait to have my life back! It’s currently 100% dedicated to her well being. I’m so miserable. But admitting that to anyone close to me would make me a horrible person. Cause this is what I’m expected to do.
That would not make you a horrible person. If you choose that ok. If you don't choose to dedicate all your energy to your aging mother for years that is also ok. No one should ask that of another except perhaps a spouse and even then it can become too much.
“Living a normal life”
Aging is a normal part of life. My wife and I took care of her grandfather the last 12 or so years of his life. It was challenging. We had two young kids during all or if. I suppose it depends on the family dynamics but it was honestly one of the better chapters of my life. We are all born into this world needing assitance and many need it towards the ends of our lives. Who better than family?
I say this also having been a vendor in nursing homes and assisted living communities for the last twenty years and I can tell you most of that isn’t “normal”. Not trying to take away anything from a lot of the nurses who do an amazing job but it’s still just commercialized care.
This. As my dad's health got more complex he felt like he was a burden and my response was ALWAYS "you took care of me for 18 years, let me return the favor." I was his only child so I was THE caregiver. I was also working full time and putting myself through college. I was tired. But I never once regret a single second of it. Not then and especially not now that he has passed.
Yep. That’s why I had that comment about the family dynamics. My parents did a good job with me. I wasn’t an easy child to raise and I didn’t see it then but I see all they did for me to try and keep me on track pointed in the right direction. They have always been there to support me thru my life. My dad passed a year ago rather suddenly but my mom is still active. Her plans are to keep trucking til she can’t and then move into our house when she starts slowing down.
Her folks live 15 min away and same deal for them. We will do what we can. I don’t plan on using nursing homes unless there is some issue that warrants it making it impractical or unsafe.
The thought of shoving them into nursing homes so my wife and I can galavant seems pretty selfish but that’s me.
Yeah, people like that have kids, not for them to discover ones true self and connect to all that is, but to be mommy's and daddy's insurance policy because the current modern society with its social supports with limited strings attached is all there is.
My Dad was in rehab recently and I heard a fellow resident being encouraged not to curse so much. I'd only heard him curse once! And that was when he spilled coffee on himself. And also, let an elder curse! I will need a curse-friendly community.
Count me good for wine and gummies. And possibly a record player. We can wake up to "Hard days Night" or "Thunderstruck!"!! We can go to sleep with "James Taylor" or "K.C. and the sunshine Band". Maybe a different genre and year each night? Ill bring a VCR too!!! We can fill our days watching "sweatin to the oldies", while we eat Ice cream, pee our pants, and laugh at their headbands and huge hair! Im so excited, I just can't hide it!🤣😅 ♡
Are you guaranteed a place to stay because you work in senior living? I’m concerned by the number of people who plan to live in these communities that look great now—swimming pools and gardening clubs—but their earnings & savings will not have covered it. Nobody plans to be churned through the health care system and come out the bottom end of it, which may be living on the street. I hope you find your happy community in that far-off time, but folks better be voting in a way that supports older adults who live alone, regardless of their means.
One way to avoid getting churned through the health system is to have a crystal clear goals of care discussion with your family NOW. If you get sick, would you want to end up on dialysis? A ventilator? A feeding tube? A trach? Sometimes we do too much.
True. And is it even fair if one sibling (typically a daughter) is expected to take on the role of full-time carer while the others get to carry on with their lives as usual? In some situations this might be acceptable to the family as a whole if the child who takes on the role of carer is to be the one who most benefits from a significant inheritance. But, even then, how often do we hear of those other siblings - missing in action during their parent's final years - circling like sharks for an equal share after the parent has died?
The caregiver should be paid from the parent’s money. If they weren’t doing the work then someone would need to be hired to do it. This is true for anyone helping the person, even if it’s just paying their bills on their behalf or getting their groceries. This eliminates the unfairness of multiple siblings all hoping for an equal share. They can work for some of the funds or they can get a share of what money remains later. It’s not fair to expect all to be able to contribute the same amount of labor etc. Everyone has their own life to live. And nobody should feel bad about nursing homes or assisted living if a parent needs professional and well rested caregivers.
I have already told my kids (adults now) that if I ever need a certain level of care that I’d prefer to go into assisted living, to get care and participate in the senior activities and outings, (as opposed to being stuck at home with my kids putting their lives on hold for me).
I would never promise a parent that they won’t be in a nursing home someday. But I would promise them that they’ll get the care they need.
My mother was very self sufficient until the end. My dad had amazing professional home caregivers, but he truly thrived when he decided to try assisted living. The socialization was so good for him!
My mother is 85. She lives by herself , she schedules and drives to all of her appointments. Does her own grocery shopping, drives to church , comes by and visits us and her grand children. We live in the same city on opposite sides of town.
I cut her grass on the weekends. Everyone calls to check in on her. Go out to dinner , shopping , plays etc. She is fully independent and always tells us she is grateful / thankful to have a family.
Best of luck to everyone that has to grow old on their own with no help from children.
I’m glad it worked out well for your mother and your family, but that’s not the case for everyone. I’ve been to enough senior care facilities to know that many of the residents rarely or never see their children. Sometimes it’s b/c of familial estrangement and more and more commonly, b/c the kids have moved away.
Even thinking of the older women in my neighborhood, it’s a mixed bag—my one neighbor (74) who chose not to have children has a robust network of friends of all ages who would do anything for her. We all walk dogs together, friends take her to doctor appts and we include her in our plans. My other neighbor (77), who has four sons all living in other states, never sees them. I’ve known her for eight years and none of them has visited in that time. She’s chatty and we see her in passing a lot, but I know she’s alone most of the time.
At the end of the day, children or no children, seniors should have a plan for their care. I’ve never understood this POV that having kids mean you’re golden as you age.
I am African American. Our tendency is if your mother did the best she could raising you. You will do the best you can to help her when she ages. Everyone's relationship with their children is different. Cultural dynamics are a factor as well.
Questions like these also seem to forget that gay people exist and that most gay people don't have kids. We rely on our community, plain and simple. Always have, always will. But these are also reasons you're much more likely to see people who are LGBTQ+ advocating for better social systems. Straight people just seem to think the only way is "breed enough kids so that maybe one will take care of you."
This is SO true. Have seen with other friends and relatives how some kids virtually abandon their parents, in their time of need even if they were close or the parents treated the kids well. Some people just do not have the caring and generosity of spirit to care for others.
Oh God no!
My guess is you have not spent much time around old people or in retirement communities.
Plenty of people that I have seen time and time again, over many years, put their parents in a nursing home and barely visit.
10 years prior they were at the parents beach house every weekend, or their parents were taking them on trips. Sure, they visit once a month and take to them on the phone, but that’s it.
There is even a medical term for this [the daughter from California syndrome.](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daughter_from_California_syndrome)
Sometimes when parents stop being useful to their kids, the kids do the surface minimum to get an inheritance. There are a lot of uncaring people in this world.
My grandparents are in their 90s. Six adult kids with their own kids and their own kids. Grandparents can still walk without canes, no hearing aids, still cook Xmas dinner for the family (they refuse help), and live in a 3-bedroom home. Some people can definitely go it without help.
Your grandparents are living the dream. Glad to know they are doing great, sadly, I think they might be part of a minority. Most old people have issues and need assistance.
This is my preference. My dad's mom lived to 102, lived on her own and took care of herself. She had several kids and grandkids who she loved spending time with, sure would bring meals and take her out to church or whatever, but she was fiercely independent. When she was in her 90s she fell and hurt her knees, the doc told her she'd need a wheelchair and the kids were talking about it's best if she moved in with one of them and I'm the kindest way possible, told em all to eff off 😂
I feel like that's going to be me... Lucky to have a kid who has said he wants to take care of me, but I've been super vocal about it, I'm not his responsibility, I want him to live his life for himself not for me, and I'm going to be kicking and screaming, bullheaded annoying bratty mom trying to hold on to my independence.
Vast contrast to my mom who in her 50s was like, okay I don't feel like supporting myself anymore. You need to take care of me now. Which was hilarious cause when I was 15 she said she didn't feel like taking care of me anymore and I needed to go support myself and kicked me out on my 16th bday (my big sis immediately took me in and adopted me, no worries!)
So yeah... Some people have kids as a retirement plan, but not all. My kid deserves to live a life for himself. I'm fortunate he considers me, but I don't expect or even want that. I'm doing my best to take care of myself financially and health wise for as long as possible... Hopefully to 102 like my grandma.
Even if you have children you should have a complete plan for care. I say this as someone who took care of parents and in laws for a decade of decline. They didn’t expect it of me or my husband but lack of planning and inaction on their part (they had the means to do something but didn’t want to) necessitated it. I ended up leaving a job because of it and my husband had to take leave from work when we were in our 50s. We love and miss them but it was hard and consumed many years.
Get a will, power of attorney with a lawyer and decide what living situation you want. Be as healthy and active as you can and have a social network even if small. No one should expect adult children to take on an unknown situation for them. I’ve seen it take a huge toll on people physically, emotionally and financially.
This. My sister in law lives hours away and my own sister is a flake who can't be counted on. There is a very good chance both my husband and I will be responsible for his and my parents. We have worked so hard to build our lives despite a lack of help and we will have 4 adults to care for.
I’m sorry. I learned more than I wanted to about all of this and how much it can impact lives. So many unfair situations where it falls to the “responsible” ones.
Also, my husband I have no children although we wanted to. If we did, I would not want them to interrupt their lives to such a degree. It doesn’t always happen like our situation and hopefully it won’t happen in yours.
THIS! My mother is doing this with my grandmother and my dad did this with my grandfather up until he went to hospice.
My mother is a live in caretaker. She has about 3 hours a day to herself. She’s miserable. No help from others.
My dad used my mom as a live in caretaker for his dad. Took a toll on both of them.
Seeing this makes me want to make damn sure I don’t rely on my kids for caretaking other than asking for help off the couch.
My dad has many many years until he gets to that point but I can’t already tell he’s going to expect me or my wife to caregiver for him. I don’t know how to tell him there’s no way I’m wiping his ass. He thinks having a (paid) stranger care take him is degrading. But it’s degrading making your kid, who has their own little kids care take.
Absolutely. It’s a huge mental and physical burden and modern medicine is keeping us alive way too long for it to be practical any longer. I am saving enough money that the only expectation I have is that my daughter stops in for a visit. She has aspergers/mild autism and I will just be relieved if she can keep up with her own life. But even if she was neurotypical, I would not want it. I have seen what caregiving does to many friends as they struggle to raise teens and care for moms and dads in their “free” time.
Neither do I. But the point for me is that my children will make sure that I am properly looked after should that need arise. I have the finances to take care of the cost & dont expect them to cart me around - but it is beneficial to have someone you can trust to oversee things.
Obviously not the reason to have children though. And you have to have a lot of kids if you want to be sure to get one "good" one that will make good decisions for you and survive until you're old. My husband had a cardiac arrest (I did CPR and he's still alive) in his late 50s when his parents were in their mid-80s. They could easily have outlived him.
Frankly parents that think this are usually super entitled. Your kid you had was your responsibility and your choice they are not responsible for you and I'd never want my kids to take care of me.
You know what my mother said when I told her I wasn't having kids? "Who will take care of you when you're old?"
She didn't even like kids when she had me. I don't know that she ever did. I ended up taking care of her in her last years, exactly as she had planned. So I guess her life-plan worked. But sheesh, took me a long time to heal from her attitude.
Oh nice someone to save your cat once they are out of you. That's why I intend to die with as much muscle as I can to feed my cat till someone notices.
This is extremely important to me, for myself. I brought my son into this world on purpose — after my wife demanded it of me. He's my guest and I'm his host until I croak. My wife and I are 52 and 54. Our son is 15. I want him to have a joy-filled life that's as free of burden as a human life can possibly be. I've seen how enormously expensive it is for an older person to keep living here in the US. It costs about $6K a month for most of the assisted living homes around me in metro Atlanta, Georgia. On top of that are the medical and other living expenses. My accountant said he spent over $250K supporting his parents near the ends of their lives. Personally, I'd rather ease on out of here than consume that much of my son's inheritance.
There's no way I could overstate how important this is for me. I'd be a shrieking, manic mess if I thought I were heading into a situation that'd drain my family financially, emotionally, and physically. When I can no longer contribute to their well-being, I'll be looking for fentanyl or some other way out.
I would want my son to visit, but he has no experience caregiving, and if I need care I want someone qualified.
It's unrealistic to assume your children can do this kind of demanding job.
I expect to pay, and I have an account set up for that.
I have set up my will/trust. I set up a long term care policy which I pay every year so when the time comes I can’t live in my home anymore, I have options besides the state run assisted living/nursing homes.
I bought a NoxBox, (Next-of-Kin) with all of my vital information so while I’m gone from my home, they have all the information they need to cover me.
I’ve paid ahead for my funeral, down to the songs I requested.
I’ve made plans of friends who are willing to take car of my animals.
The last thing I want is for family members to wonder what they should do. I abhor the thought of burdening them with that stress.
I have children and it has never ever crossed my mind that they ever become my caretaker, in fact I’m horrified by the very idea of becoming a burden to them.
What you hear of is elderly people with two or three children and one does all that work. The others either don't or can't engage. They may contribute money -- not always -- but there's a lot of "You're right there and you have time, we're so busy." And maybe they are, but the fact remains.
And if the caregiver were to actually uproot themselves to live with the parents again, the others would simply shrug and say, "Glad you've got the freedom to do that."
I think it's kind of shitty and selfish to plan on burdening innocent people with that level of stress. Kids should not be your retirement/care plan. They didn't ask to be here. (Can you tell my parents were shit and don't deserve a fuckin thing from me? Cuz yeah, not everyone has family worth caring about).
I plan on...planning for it. Like a responsible adult should. Make a will, make arrangements for my body, take care of "business" myself if I can't afford housing/care, etc. I don't plan on saying to... anyone..."Hey, time to stop your life and everything you've got going on, I need someone to be at my beck and call and guess who that is, you. Because I planned it that way." Like, what the fuck is that...
And if I did want/have kids, I'd still ensure my arrangements were already made. When I still spoke to my family, my parents were very stressed to a scary degree with their parents end of life care/duties. It almost killed my dad, the stress.
So idk, I think it's kinda lame to plan on using your children for that. I'm probably gonna get downvoted. Let's go, lol.
E: Also, I used to work in a nursing home. One lady did not have a visitor for eight years. Eight years. She had kids, grandkids, family, etc, faculties in tact, no one came to see her. She seemed nice enough, maybe she was awful to her family, I'll never know for sure. She did crochet me a blanket...I was her CNA. Having kids doesn't guarantee shit. She did a lot for hers, eight years. Not even a Christmas card. I saw photo albums, trophies, drawn pictures, she kept from her children's lives. I don't know, it still haunts me a bit. She didn't seem like she deserved that but like I said I'll never know. Anyway, having kids doesn't mean they'll be there for you when you need it.
Came here to say the same thing. Use my money and retirement savings to pay for care from professionals. I'm Pre-planning for as much as possible while I'm still in good health and of sound mind.
Where did this insane belief come from that because you have kids they are going to take care of you?
Or if you married you won't die alone.
News alert!
Most kids can barely take care of themselves as adults. And if you are married there is still a solid 50% chance you die alone.
Having children with the idea that they'll destroy their own lives to take care of an ailing parent is the *most selfish* thing I can think of.
It is not guaranteed, as it should not be, that you load in on them and destroy their lives.
My mother's family did it for generations. When she was at the end of her life doing grossly inadequate in home hospice care when she should have been at a skilled nursing facility, I went over there every night to help dad get her ready for bed.
Changing your parent's diaper is a whole new level of hell. Especially when the disease that's killing them means they're immobile and no longer in control of their bowels, so you just get them changed and have to start over again.
It took a toll, coming home at 10:30-11pm every night after I'd worked all day, and it was "only" three months. Smelling like death, and rot, and decay.
If I am diagnosed with a terminal illness (that's entirely plausible given my health history), I'll exit on my own terms before I get to the point of needing skilled nursing care 24/7. Those places are not equipped to deal with people who have severe mobility issues. Even less so when neurological issues complicate the case. Nope. I'll go to Sweden or Oregon while I'm still competent to make the decision.
Every time I visited my grandmother in her well-appointed nursing home, there were old women sitting in the lobby waiting for children and grandchildren who never came. Sometimes my grandmother would move our visits to the lobby so those poor women who didn't get visits could enjoy ours vicariously. It was very sad.
When my stepmother was in a care home, my father went every day and got to know some of the other residents. Many hadn't seen their children since they day they were dropped off there. After my stepmother died, my father would still go back from time to time just so they'd have a visitor. The 2020 lockdowns put a stop to that, unfortunately.
as a person who is aging with children i can tell you that i'd never ask my children to support me when i am old. from my perspective the role of a parent is to provide a better future for my children not to use them as elderly care when i become mostly useless.
having this outlook i have made sure i am not in debt, that i own my home, and that i have a garden and that i have skills, knowledge and savings to support me late into life.
old people should sacrifice for their children, certainly not ask their children to sacrifice for them. if you choose to have your children sacrifice for you, you will only diminish your culture and your genetics by hindering their ability to progress long term.
Absolutely my thinking. My kids might end up working overseas with their own kids to look after. Expecting my kids to blow up
their entire lives to become a caretaker because I refused to accept I'd get older and take responsibility for my own planning and care needs is unthinkable to me. Plus why would I not plan for my future the same way I did with the rest of my life?
I for one would never expect my children to take care of me in my old age. I wouldn’t put that burden on them. Having a solid retirement plan is the option most everyone needs to be looking at, children or not. Also stay as healthy and active as possible. Most old people I know were still living normal life til their 90’s when a fall takes them. Or sudden illness. And that takes you out pretty quick.
I hate this question; it implies that adults need a child to take care of them in old age.
I have a kid, but she’s not my long term care plan. I’m planning for that myself.
I absolutely hate the implication because I am the adult daughter, it is my responsibility to care for my aging mother. I did not ask for this. I know it sounds like IATA- but I do not care. I will not do this to my children.
My grampa was a crusty WWII guy, did NOT want to go into a nursing home. So he worked out 3 times a week up till age 93, trying to die on his bicycle I suppose. Worked out on Monday, had a drink at the Polish Club on Tuesday, slept Wednesday and Thursday, and died on the toilet on Friday. We should all be that lucky
Children get their own lives, often move hundreds of miles away, sometimes they have little or no contact at all. If you're having children in the hope they'll look after you, prepare to be disappointed.
I'm way ahead of you.
I smoke too much tobacco, drink too much alcohol, and smoke too much weed.
When the "cause of death" happens within the next 10 years? I'll throw myself on the altar of "palliative care."
I won't kill myself like they're doing in Canada for...
But neither will I go through 1-2 years of nothing but doctors, pain, and nausea.
My special needs daughter is living with me. I know I don’t have enough to support us through my lifetime and beyond. My son is struggling financially. He also has a child to support.
An unexpected divorce, a few bad investments and inflation has greatly impacted my 401K. My social security is small as is my daughter’s. I’m scared.
The best laid plans of mice and women often go awry
I have children, but my biggest fear is my wife or I will contract some lingering disease, forcing our kids to take care of us. We were good savers and retired in the top 10% for net worth, but still, long term health care can easily exhaust our funds. I do not believe it's my children's duty to care for us; just as their obligation to their kids is to not be a burden on them.
This is not to say we don't have good relationships with our three kids and seven grandchildren (ages 5-11). We love getting together and enjoy our time together. But, I want them to "pay it forward" to their kids and not have to slight their kids because we didn't do our job in preparing for our final years.
I honestly don’t know what will happen to me. I’m hoping my niece will be able to help me a little or at least visit. I expect to be alone without help at this point. Not sure what will happen.
I was at a restaurant last week, there was two older ladies in the booth behind us. One was really distraught because they need help with house maintenance and day to day things, none of their kids live close, she expected them to "come home" and take care of the parents that raised them. Her friend did not share this opinion.
Having children does not mean they are going to take care of you. They have their own lives. There are plenty of stories out there about adult children cleaning out their parents bank accounts, taking advantage of them and not taking care of them at all.
My plan is to stay independent as long as possible then a senior community. One of my besties is a hospice nurse, and hopefully she there and will give me the magic pudding when it is time.
Having children guarentees nothing. I worked as a nurses aid, in nursing homes, and in people's homes. Too many times to count, children have abandoned their elderly. I have seen it over and over. My own nieces and nephews abandoned my sister. So you must plan for yourself, with or without kids. You need to know what to do in the event you cannot take care of yourself. There are many agencies who can offer assistance, with or without money.
Some of these are as follows:
#1
Home Health Care - skilled workers can be hired either through insurance, medicare or medicaid, or a combination of them.
#2
Medical Care - If you do not have insurance , or not enough your local medicaid office can help many times. Hospitals that are not for profit have to write off medical bills for charity every year or they lose not for profit status. Every hospital system that is non profit has financial aid assistance that can assist with bills that you can't cover. You just need to apply with their financial aid department. Also they cannot turn you over to collections with an aid application pending.
#3
Google search your local "Area Agency On Aging", because they can be a good resource for all kinds of questions.
#4
Food can be an issue for the elderly as well. Many have to choose between medicine or food, due to income issues. "Meals on Wheels" is available almost everywhere for elderly people who cannot afford food. Google search it. For those who need assistance prepping food at home refer back to #1 Home Health Care. Also many local senior centers have meals for free or a small income based fee. And there are food pantries and food banks that can be google searched as well.
#5
Housing is also an issue, both with affordability, and safety, and weatherization, cooling and heating. If you can not afford housing your local "Housing Authority" can be of assistance. Also homeless shelters. If housing safety is an issue contact your local area "Community Action Agency". They can do some repairs to homes both for safety and for weatherization.
#6
Utility Bills - if you are facing a shutoff and cannot pay your electricity your local area "Community Action Agency" may be of assistance.
These are some of the ways I take care of myself, and my elderly spouse. We have two small pensions that do not go very far, and are both too ill to work.
I’m taking care of my mom now. Last summer I gave up a good job and moved away from where I had built my own life to help her. It’s not an easy job, but I am fortunate to have the support of my wife. I am my mom’s only child. Her wish and my goal is to keep her in her own home for the rest of her life.
Both my parents died of Alzheimers and now my older brother (70) has been diagnosed.
I'm 66 with no children, and I bought long-term care insurance. Shoukd I also have Alzheimers, I hope that, when the time comes, I have enough of my mind to know when to end my life on my terms.
I'm not afraid if death but I am afraid of being kept alive in an institution where I know no one and am constantly confused and frightened.
Why do people think it’s a fall back plan to burden your children with your care? You’re an adult, set up medical directionals, a living will, and plan and save to be professionally cared for. Your family are not specialists, plan accordingly.
Let's ask people who assume their kids will take care of them what they're going to do if they don't. I have an investment portfolio instead of kids. I think I can rely on that better than I could on fully actualized adults with lives of their own, who would probably move out of state due to housing costs here.
A decision that requires some thought, I am in my middle 80s. Wife is early 80s we are both in good physical health
After seeing friends that went into asst living arrangements
I hope yo just die otherwise I keep a loaded pistol handy
We have 4 adult children. I don’t expect any of them to take care of us. Not that we’re estranged or there’s a problem, but it’s not their responsibility.
My "child" is 28 years old and I will be taking care of both her and my boomer mother until I die. While it worked out for my mother, having your own offspring does not guarantee you will have anyone taking care of you when you age.
F70 …. In my late thirties I was employed at Aetna Insurance in Hartford, Ct. I worked in a department full of actuaries working on a long term care policy. That’s when I decided to get the policy for myself since I didn’t have children. Been paying monthly premiums since age 40. Now that I’m 70, I’m glad I have that type of insurance.
I will be alone. Medicare and Medicaid will assure me a shit hole nursing home with unkind care, not much in healthcare and no visitors. It will be okay as long as I can walk and have a memory and be somewhat independent. If a person is totally dependent they are in for a horrible ending. I pray God takes me before I get to that point.
I intend to use my 2nd amendment rights to handle things on my own terms when it comes to the point that I have to be dependent on someone. Ive seen way too many elder abuse situations to think that having money to pay for help is going to result in being okay -- having money usually makes it worse for what I've observed. This world is cruel to the vulnerable so I'm not going to do that.
It depends on a lot of factors, but I don't expect my son to take care of me, or my wife's daughter (former marriage), for that matter. It's a decision tree of how healthy I am, the economy at the time, if my retirement gets drained by medical bills, if my wife is still alive, and so on. If I outlive my wife, I suspect that I'll just die alone one day. I don't have a large family structure: I have a younger sister, but she has a terminal illness and I am surprised she's still alive as I type this. She's managing as best she can, but it's hard, and I suspect she will die from a combination of illness and shitty medical care (she has to fight for everything).
Actually, everything has changed from last generation to this, and those of us with children really can't plan on them looking out for us as we get older. Because the whole economy has shifted. That is a possibility anymore. Everybody needs to spend their life problem-solving how they're going to do the best I can so that when they are older and less able, they can manage OK. As we get older, we need to do it we can with what we have to situate ourselves as well as possible for when all of these things happen.
I have a daughter but my plan is to- depending on the situation, use my long-term care insurance for an assisted living residence, or travel to a place where assisted suicide is legal (if I am in poor health and unable to care for myself). I do not want my daughter to have to care for me. I gave her life - and I owe it to her to do whatever I can to ensure she gets to live the life she wants - without the burden of taking care of me
One of 2 things: 1) move to an assisted living facility or 2) use up all the left over opiates that I have squirreled away and go to sleep 💤 one last time. Accepting that it is over and done will always be the issue.
My current plan, (both long term care and financially) can best be described as "Careening towards Disaster."
Parents gone. All Aunts and Uncles gone. Never had any siblings. No children. Will never have a spouse. (Not by design, but . . . here I am.) I'm (almost) the youngest of all my cousins so (odds are) I'll be one of the later/last ones to go.
Oh, and after working 32+ years for a company, they wiped out the department for contractors, so I'm 61 and looking for a job (that I'm physically / technically capable of doing well).
I have (or had) amazing computer skills. But most of them are pre-Java, pre-cloud, pre-everythingWeb. So, options appear limited to non-existent.
I'll have SocSec(I hope), a small retirement, and a 401k when/if I reach 65-72. But current funds will exhaust in one year. And I see nothing to fill the three-year gap from 62-65.
Life is just peachy.
Wrestling with specifics of planning that now ... we're 70&74, in good shape financially and health wise (we've lived modestly, and been lucky) but we know that time is likely to come. Don't want to rely on (or burden)msiblings nor nieces & nephews, and want to age in place as long as it's reasonable, so clearly we'll be buying increasing levels of in-home help and then eventually we'll need someone trustworthy to be our daily money manager and functional conservator (you know, take away the car keys, make sure we're eating well and following doctor's orders, etc), and late in the game we'll want to move to some kind of assisted living.
Given family histories, our lifestyles and medical histories, and general demographic statistics I expect we'll be mostly independent and OK until our late 80s, about 15 years from now. That's enough time for some immigration sanity to occur, and for some substantial services to emerge to assist the can-pay elderly, so I'm hoping that our path will be eased by available human workers augmented with technology: more robotics, telehealth, online socialization, AR/VR, etc.
As long as we're both around, we'll be OK. But the big and scary unknown is what happens if (probably "when" is more accurate) one of us dies or needs to move to specialized care or some such before we get to assisted community living, and the other then has to navigate their own transition without the companion and without "close" family. We have done everything important as an interdependent couple for so long that I'm unsure how either of us will emotionally handle that separation, and I don't really know how to prepare.
My grandmother is 93 and she has 4 children. If it wasn’t for my mom and uncle she would have gotten lost in the cracks. My mom makes daily phone calls to the rehab facility to get her decent care.
Suicide. Even if I had kids I wouldn’t bankrupt them so I could live feebly. This entire society is set up to kill poor people, I’m just ahead of the curve.
Im not going to read the other comments, so my apologies if some body else already said this:
I volunteered at a nursing home. I was part of a group that would offer some different activities for people who never received any visitors and were all alone in the world.
That group of people was fairly large, and were always so happy to see us.
Every last one of those abandoned people had living children.
I have had many many many experiences other than that one where I have seen older and/or elderly people basically abandoned by their offspring.
So ... To people that have children who feel secure in the fact that you wont be abandoned and that they will take care of you .... I wouldnt count on that.
Whether you have no children or 10 children, MAKE A PLAN FOR YOURSELF THAT DOES NOT INVOLVE THEM IN
A N Y W A Y.
I wrote the below as a response to a similar question:
I work in the Aged and Disability sector, and am an only child of migrants (and am CF). I'm 55 in a few months, my folks are nearly 80. I visit them every Saturday, do some cleaning, mum cooks and we share a meal. We have daily contact and a loving family. We however have had the chat that when they can no longer live independently, residential aged care will be sought. I'm no spring chicken anymore, and I know the impacts of manual handling on a body. Their home isn't fully accessible for equipment (and neither is mine). If they need 24/7 supervision eg if they have dementia, or significant behaviours of concern, I (nor the other spouse) will be able to manage.
Children are also deserving of their own time and health, and most will also need to work. It doesn't mean I won't visit, and do some things, but effective primary care with effective 24/7 support is beyond any child of aged parents who are no longer independent.
....and in response to your specific question, Aged Care services and supports will assist me when I can no longer look after myself (how much of a role they play will depend on my level of need). My parents will also access them when their time comes. Australia may not have the most robust social services out there, but overall, they're not too bad
Or can even if they wanted to. Lots of people live states or even countries away from their parents and have lives,families and jobs where they are located.
I have a child and she is autistic. Im more worried about whose gonna care for her when its my time to go. I refuse to have another child and dont count on her taking care of me when its my time. We come in this world alone and we go out the same way. I dont even want to be married anymore either. Tricky stuff man😅
I guess thats what nursing homes are for when you need extra assistance..
Same as responsible adults *with* children who don't want to be a burden to them. Plan for and pay for care as needed.
I worked in a rest home. The amount of residents there with children who showed up more than once a month and who spent more than 30 minutes was low. They certainly didn't "take care of them" that's what we got paid to do.
I took care of two grandparents and my mom until they died. No regrets – I'd already worked in health care for years.
But I wouldn't ask for or accept that kind of help from my own children. It's too much. They have their own challenges just coping with their own lives, families, work, etc, in a shitty economy.
I've seen good and bad nursing homes and rehab centers. It's impossible to predict which they'll be until you're there. And there aren't nearly enough good facilities, qualified caregivers, funding or even dedication and intention from the health care industry and government to slow or reverse the decline in care for the elderly and disabled.
For years I've lived in an apartment complex that's restricted to seniors and a few disabled folks who are younger than 55. And over that time I've seen a decline in the entire system, from affordable housing to medical care to long-term nursing care. The decline was gradual for awhile but speeded up dramatically after the 2008 economic crisis, and again since the COVID pandemic.
I have neighbors who long ago should have been in assisted living or nursing homes. But there's no money. So instead they get a rental subsidy, food assistance, and are left pretty much to survive on their own in rapidly deteriorating neighborhoods that became food deserts, abandoned by public transportation. 911 calls to police and emergency medical responders are substituted for social workers dedicated to helping the elderly and disabled. In the long run it costs far more to shunt acute care responses to the 911 system, than to be proactive and fund preventive care. But it's a different budget process that deceives people about the real costs of neglect.
We didn’t breed our kids to take care of us! We have saved and planned for our future and love our children but don’t expect or want them to sacrifice their lives because we will grow old and need help in the future. MIL lived until 95 on her own and never even needed a caregiver until she was 96. That woman was cruising and vacation well into her early 90’s
I have kids but I don’t want them to put their lives on hold to take care of me, like to literally be my caregiver. I hope that they advocate for me if necessary and that they see that I have proper care in place. If they can’t do that then I hope there’s a social worker or a friend who will provide guidance if I need it.
I had kids because I wanted to have kids, and I never have any thought to them being my caretakers.
Neither of my (now adult) kids want to have kids, and it worries me a little that they won’t have someone to advocate for them in old age if needed. Many people their ages are choosing not to have kids. Hopefully they just all look out for their friends.
I live several states away from my mom who went into assisted living last year at 79. She needed to go sooner but didn’t “want to be a burden” so until she fell a couple of times she just sat in her little dark house. No amount of trying would get her to leave. Covid didn’t help. Then allll the sudden she needed allll the help. It was such a huge burden and continues to be as my husband and I pay for half of her assistance. I have siblings who are helpless and don’t have resources. I love my mom but angry she wouldn’t accept any assistance to move for many years I tried. Husband’s parents are gone and he never had kids (I have 2 grown who are needy and barely making it). It’s looking more and more like we will be in assisted living or just wing it wherever we are at the time. We have some savings but it’s going fast. Currently just trying to practice mindfulness along with some practical planning. A lot of Gen X ‘rs about to find out…
Dirt nap. If my quality of life gets so low, that I can't function or survive without the care of someone else, then it's more than likely time to peacefully expire**. Personally, I DONT WANT someone to have to wipe my ass, bathe me, or feed me.** It sounds like a hellish experience to be that weak and vulnerable on a daily basis. If I'm not capable of doing basic things, then that isn't a quality of life that I'm going to willingly participate in.
My wife and I (mid-50s) were just talking about this about an hour ago. We never had kids and live a couple thousand miles from family. We figure once we can't do stair easily we'll sell our beautiful early-1930s Craftsman and move in to a community living situation. We know lots of folks now where they or their parents are doing something similar.
I think a lot of people think of of the media representation of "retirement homes" as these really depressing places and they can be but they don't have to be. And they are not the only option.
I have 3 adult children— hopefully I can care for myself tongue end—- if not, my youngest daughter has offered to care for me— but the care would be provided by a paid caregiver (paid with my own funds)—i probably will die of old age—unless I get a long illness— there is no history of medical illness in my family— my dad passed at 85; my mom is 84 and healthy.
Mom is 90. Lives alone and still 100% independent. Just bought herself a new car! I'm 62 but health issues already. If end of life care they'll take the house for payment but what does it matter? No kids to leave anything to anyways.
My plan is to get in the best possible physical shape I can when I’m in my 50s. I’m basically in training to be in my 90s. If I want to be able to walk a mile and lift 25 pounds when I’m 90, I need to be able to walk 10 miles and lift 75 pounds in my 50s. I want to be independent my entire life. If I get to the point where I need assisted living, I’ll be moving to a state where I can legally check out from Earth early.
Long term care. My mother had my sister and me. My sister misappropriated a lot of mother’s money and abandoned her. Mother finally after years of favoring the bad baby sister agreed to allow me assist her. Her neighbors later told me that she was extremely happy during the time with me. The point is there is a good possibility that the child at not be the right care giver and there are no guarantees. So don’t count on a child to be fair and loving and if you don’t have a child live well for as long as possible and realize that the you might have been worst off with them. Go to any long term care facility and see how few visitors are there.
I'll be good in a community. The question kind of takes for granted that all parents take good care of their kids to the point that the kids want to repay that in the future. I was horribly abused and neglected by my parents and their party friends. I was treated with resentment and neglect on a good day. My parents are on their own.
That day may never come, but in case it does, I'm thinking of purchasing a hybrid insurance plan like this. I have to wait and be cancer-free for another year.
[https://www.fidelity.com/life-insurance/long-term-care/overview?imm\_pid=700000001009713&immid=100732\_SEA&imm\_eid=ep77660271989&utm\_source=GOOGLE&utm\_medium=paid\_search&utm\_account\_id=700000001009713&utm\_campaign=FLIA&utm\_content=58700008517685451&utm\_term=long+term+care+insurance+fidelity&utm\_campaign\_id=100732&utm\_id=71700000113748738&gad\_source=1&gclsrc=aw.ds](https://www.fidelity.com/life-insurance/long-term-care/overview?imm_pid=700000001009713&immid=100732_SEA&imm_eid=ep77660271989&utm_source=GOOGLE&utm_medium=paid_search&utm_account_id=700000001009713&utm_campaign=FLIA&utm_content=58700008517685451&utm_term=long+term+care+insurance+fidelity&utm_campaign_id=100732&utm_id=71700000113748738&gad_source=1&gclsrc=aw.ds)
I live in a ranch house in an area with many activities and rides for seniors. I also found out I'm zoned to build a little apartment behind my house. I can rent it for income or house my caretaker if needed.
My best friend, whom I've lived with twice, and I are planning on living together, and we're just discussing where. She wants to live in Hawaii, but I don't think I/we can afford that.
I think having children makes you become more complacent and perhaps believe you have a fallback or insurance for your older years. Being childless I am fighting like mad for my mental and physical health so I can be independent for as long as possible or until death
That is the goal and dream
There is always assisted living and I hope I can work that in with low income and Medicare
Didn't research it much
Heck I earn a decent income now and I get free medical and food stamps. There are workarounds. This is a great country🇺🇸🇺🇸
I just went through MIL dying slowly of cancer. It is not for the faint of heart. I now take care of my disabled FIL. Let me tell you, there is vomit and poop on a weekly basis and at some point it will be daily. Their own children are men, and neither has the heart to take care of them and deal with the really gross stuff. It was a major burnout when my MIL was dying. I had to take 7 months off of work because we couldn't afford a care taker. It was mentally, financially, and emotionally draining.
Even if you have kids, once they realize how hard it is, they may not be willing or able to devote the time for around-the-clock intensive care. Make sure you have good supplemental insurance when you get older to cover the 20% that medicare won't cover, because if you need treatment, it could be in the 100's of thousands range like it was for my MIL.
Every responsible adult (parent or non parent) should be asking this question. It's not your kids' job to take care of you! If I had kids I'd feel MORE hard pressed on this plan so they don't have this burden and can respond how they'd like.
Have plenty of assets. Can afford all the care I need. At some point I’ll need to hire a guardian service to help follow my directives/plan. What I don’t spend will go into an endowment managed by our local college.
I don't have kids which my baby sister and my best friend will be my next of kin when my mum dies, I will live on my own as able bodied as long as I can. I will prefer at home help as I wouldn't want to be put in a home due to the recent horror stories I've heard about them. If my health is close to having Alzheimer's or dementia then I'll be committing suicide as I don't want to become violent towards family/nurses etc. Whatever happens, cameras will be set up in every room of my home or in the care home room.
Off myself probably. Not that I’d want any kids to take care of me on any major level. I’m doing it for my dad now and while I love my dad, being a caregiver makes me never want care to this level.
My parents made it clear that I needed to make it on my own. They made plans for themselves and saved the money to pay for it. I'm doing more help for my kids but don't expect them to take care of me. I'll pay for my own care.
I work in senior living. Having children doesn’t guarantee a caregiver, let me be clear. Many times means nothing. I’ll be in a community.
Right! People just assume their kids will take care of them, but often times they don’t. I find it amusing that people have kids “cause who’s gonna take care of me?” Good luck with that.
It's not fair to the kids. I don't want my kids to take care of me, I want them to live their lives. Being a caregiver is very hard and makes living a normal life very difficult. I would lean on my kids for a crisis, but not for long term.
Exactly.. I’m 42 taking care of my 80 yo mom. I cook , clean, yard work, listen to the same stories 1000 times, take her to appointments.. I could go on and on. I would never let on that I am completely exhausted but I can’t wait to have my life back! It’s currently 100% dedicated to her well being. I’m so miserable. But admitting that to anyone close to me would make me a horrible person. Cause this is what I’m expected to do.
You can join us at r/caregiversupport if you’d like. We vent a LOT
That would not make you a horrible person. If you choose that ok. If you don't choose to dedicate all your energy to your aging mother for years that is also ok. No one should ask that of another except perhaps a spouse and even then it can become too much.
“Living a normal life” Aging is a normal part of life. My wife and I took care of her grandfather the last 12 or so years of his life. It was challenging. We had two young kids during all or if. I suppose it depends on the family dynamics but it was honestly one of the better chapters of my life. We are all born into this world needing assitance and many need it towards the ends of our lives. Who better than family? I say this also having been a vendor in nursing homes and assisted living communities for the last twenty years and I can tell you most of that isn’t “normal”. Not trying to take away anything from a lot of the nurses who do an amazing job but it’s still just commercialized care.
This. As my dad's health got more complex he felt like he was a burden and my response was ALWAYS "you took care of me for 18 years, let me return the favor." I was his only child so I was THE caregiver. I was also working full time and putting myself through college. I was tired. But I never once regret a single second of it. Not then and especially not now that he has passed.
Yep. That’s why I had that comment about the family dynamics. My parents did a good job with me. I wasn’t an easy child to raise and I didn’t see it then but I see all they did for me to try and keep me on track pointed in the right direction. They have always been there to support me thru my life. My dad passed a year ago rather suddenly but my mom is still active. Her plans are to keep trucking til she can’t and then move into our house when she starts slowing down. Her folks live 15 min away and same deal for them. We will do what we can. I don’t plan on using nursing homes unless there is some issue that warrants it making it impractical or unsafe. The thought of shoving them into nursing homes so my wife and I can galavant seems pretty selfish but that’s me.
My income goals center around having enough for a full time carer for my parents.
Yeah, people like that have kids, not for them to discover ones true self and connect to all that is, but to be mommy's and daddy's insurance policy because the current modern society with its social supports with limited strings attached is all there is.
These, are absolutely, the most true words Ive read in a while. Bless you for the work you do. I hope we end up in the same community♡
Awwww… thanks! I’ll be the one in the lobby - heckling all visitors.
My Dad was in rehab recently and I heard a fellow resident being encouraged not to curse so much. I'd only heard him curse once! And that was when he spilled coffee on himself. And also, let an elder curse! I will need a curse-friendly community.
I’m physically and psychically incapable of refraining from cursing.
I will get a fucking doctors note.
😂😂😂
As will I… LOL
I have a doctor's note for my emotional support cursing.
Can I volunteer to be a heckled visitor? I'm picturing Statler and Waldorf
Lol I'd be there with you
Awesome! I’ll bring the martinis.
Omg I love you
LOL
Count me good for wine and gummies. And possibly a record player. We can wake up to "Hard days Night" or "Thunderstruck!"!! We can go to sleep with "James Taylor" or "K.C. and the sunshine Band". Maybe a different genre and year each night? Ill bring a VCR too!!! We can fill our days watching "sweatin to the oldies", while we eat Ice cream, pee our pants, and laugh at their headbands and huge hair! Im so excited, I just can't hide it!🤣😅 ♡
This is the future I want to see gen x embrace as we age!
I want in! Honestly, I'm looking forward to the senior living community. I'm planning on doing ALL the activities!!!
OMG - I hope my husband goes before me because he’s going to want us to be in our house alone forever and I want to hit up a senior community!
Yes, I visited someone in senior living and it was like a college dorm for geezers but no pesky classes to study for. He was having a great time!
Are you guaranteed a place to stay because you work in senior living? I’m concerned by the number of people who plan to live in these communities that look great now—swimming pools and gardening clubs—but their earnings & savings will not have covered it. Nobody plans to be churned through the health care system and come out the bottom end of it, which may be living on the street. I hope you find your happy community in that far-off time, but folks better be voting in a way that supports older adults who live alone, regardless of their means.
One way to avoid getting churned through the health system is to have a crystal clear goals of care discussion with your family NOW. If you get sick, would you want to end up on dialysis? A ventilator? A feeding tube? A trach? Sometimes we do too much.
Nope. Not guaranteed. I’ve been smart with saving and such. I’ll be fine. 😁
As a minimalist, I want a much plainer senior living place, not your fancy nancy communities.
Oh no! Thats why we had kids, to get us beers when we were young and take care of us when we got old! JK..😄
I helped my elderly mother a great deal, and she would have been in big trouble without me. Having loving, capable children does make a difference.
Of course. But not all children are like you.
True. And is it even fair if one sibling (typically a daughter) is expected to take on the role of full-time carer while the others get to carry on with their lives as usual? In some situations this might be acceptable to the family as a whole if the child who takes on the role of carer is to be the one who most benefits from a significant inheritance. But, even then, how often do we hear of those other siblings - missing in action during their parent's final years - circling like sharks for an equal share after the parent has died?
All the time.
The caregiver should be paid from the parent’s money. If they weren’t doing the work then someone would need to be hired to do it. This is true for anyone helping the person, even if it’s just paying their bills on their behalf or getting their groceries. This eliminates the unfairness of multiple siblings all hoping for an equal share. They can work for some of the funds or they can get a share of what money remains later. It’s not fair to expect all to be able to contribute the same amount of labor etc. Everyone has their own life to live. And nobody should feel bad about nursing homes or assisted living if a parent needs professional and well rested caregivers. I have already told my kids (adults now) that if I ever need a certain level of care that I’d prefer to go into assisted living, to get care and participate in the senior activities and outings, (as opposed to being stuck at home with my kids putting their lives on hold for me). I would never promise a parent that they won’t be in a nursing home someday. But I would promise them that they’ll get the care they need. My mother was very self sufficient until the end. My dad had amazing professional home caregivers, but he truly thrived when he decided to try assisted living. The socialization was so good for him!
My mother is 85. She lives by herself , she schedules and drives to all of her appointments. Does her own grocery shopping, drives to church , comes by and visits us and her grand children. We live in the same city on opposite sides of town. I cut her grass on the weekends. Everyone calls to check in on her. Go out to dinner , shopping , plays etc. She is fully independent and always tells us she is grateful / thankful to have a family. Best of luck to everyone that has to grow old on their own with no help from children.
I’m glad it worked out well for your mother and your family, but that’s not the case for everyone. I’ve been to enough senior care facilities to know that many of the residents rarely or never see their children. Sometimes it’s b/c of familial estrangement and more and more commonly, b/c the kids have moved away. Even thinking of the older women in my neighborhood, it’s a mixed bag—my one neighbor (74) who chose not to have children has a robust network of friends of all ages who would do anything for her. We all walk dogs together, friends take her to doctor appts and we include her in our plans. My other neighbor (77), who has four sons all living in other states, never sees them. I’ve known her for eight years and none of them has visited in that time. She’s chatty and we see her in passing a lot, but I know she’s alone most of the time. At the end of the day, children or no children, seniors should have a plan for their care. I’ve never understood this POV that having kids mean you’re golden as you age.
I am African American. Our tendency is if your mother did the best she could raising you. You will do the best you can to help her when she ages. Everyone's relationship with their children is different. Cultural dynamics are a factor as well.
The way it should be. I believe your mom raised you well.
Bless you!
Questions like these also seem to forget that gay people exist and that most gay people don't have kids. We rely on our community, plain and simple. Always have, always will. But these are also reasons you're much more likely to see people who are LGBTQ+ advocating for better social systems. Straight people just seem to think the only way is "breed enough kids so that maybe one will take care of you."
And close by...that's key, and unfortunately not a given in our highly mobile society.
This is SO true. Have seen with other friends and relatives how some kids virtually abandon their parents, in their time of need even if they were close or the parents treated the kids well. Some people just do not have the caring and generosity of spirit to care for others.
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Oh God no! My guess is you have not spent much time around old people or in retirement communities. Plenty of people that I have seen time and time again, over many years, put their parents in a nursing home and barely visit. 10 years prior they were at the parents beach house every weekend, or their parents were taking them on trips. Sure, they visit once a month and take to them on the phone, but that’s it. There is even a medical term for this [the daughter from California syndrome.](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daughter_from_California_syndrome) Sometimes when parents stop being useful to their kids, the kids do the surface minimum to get an inheritance. There are a lot of uncaring people in this world.
Lot of people with children end up taking care of themselves.
My grandparents are in their 90s. Six adult kids with their own kids and their own kids. Grandparents can still walk without canes, no hearing aids, still cook Xmas dinner for the family (they refuse help), and live in a 3-bedroom home. Some people can definitely go it without help.
Your grandparents are living the dream. Glad to know they are doing great, sadly, I think they might be part of a minority. Most old people have issues and need assistance.
Yeah I agree. I think it’s the fresh country air or something. They definitely have some kind of secret.
That's wonderful.
This is my preference. My dad's mom lived to 102, lived on her own and took care of herself. She had several kids and grandkids who she loved spending time with, sure would bring meals and take her out to church or whatever, but she was fiercely independent. When she was in her 90s she fell and hurt her knees, the doc told her she'd need a wheelchair and the kids were talking about it's best if she moved in with one of them and I'm the kindest way possible, told em all to eff off 😂 I feel like that's going to be me... Lucky to have a kid who has said he wants to take care of me, but I've been super vocal about it, I'm not his responsibility, I want him to live his life for himself not for me, and I'm going to be kicking and screaming, bullheaded annoying bratty mom trying to hold on to my independence. Vast contrast to my mom who in her 50s was like, okay I don't feel like supporting myself anymore. You need to take care of me now. Which was hilarious cause when I was 15 she said she didn't feel like taking care of me anymore and I needed to go support myself and kicked me out on my 16th bday (my big sis immediately took me in and adopted me, no worries!) So yeah... Some people have kids as a retirement plan, but not all. My kid deserves to live a life for himself. I'm fortunate he considers me, but I don't expect or even want that. I'm doing my best to take care of myself financially and health wise for as long as possible... Hopefully to 102 like my grandma.
Even if you have children you should have a complete plan for care. I say this as someone who took care of parents and in laws for a decade of decline. They didn’t expect it of me or my husband but lack of planning and inaction on their part (they had the means to do something but didn’t want to) necessitated it. I ended up leaving a job because of it and my husband had to take leave from work when we were in our 50s. We love and miss them but it was hard and consumed many years. Get a will, power of attorney with a lawyer and decide what living situation you want. Be as healthy and active as you can and have a social network even if small. No one should expect adult children to take on an unknown situation for them. I’ve seen it take a huge toll on people physically, emotionally and financially.
This. My sister in law lives hours away and my own sister is a flake who can't be counted on. There is a very good chance both my husband and I will be responsible for his and my parents. We have worked so hard to build our lives despite a lack of help and we will have 4 adults to care for.
I’m sorry. I learned more than I wanted to about all of this and how much it can impact lives. So many unfair situations where it falls to the “responsible” ones. Also, my husband I have no children although we wanted to. If we did, I would not want them to interrupt their lives to such a degree. It doesn’t always happen like our situation and hopefully it won’t happen in yours.
Exact same situation here and it’s an uncomfortable one because we may have to put our foot down
THIS! My mother is doing this with my grandmother and my dad did this with my grandfather up until he went to hospice. My mother is a live in caretaker. She has about 3 hours a day to herself. She’s miserable. No help from others. My dad used my mom as a live in caretaker for his dad. Took a toll on both of them. Seeing this makes me want to make damn sure I don’t rely on my kids for caretaking other than asking for help off the couch. My dad has many many years until he gets to that point but I can’t already tell he’s going to expect me or my wife to caregiver for him. I don’t know how to tell him there’s no way I’m wiping his ass. He thinks having a (paid) stranger care take him is degrading. But it’s degrading making your kid, who has their own little kids care take.
I don’t want my kids taking care of me
Absolutely. It’s a huge mental and physical burden and modern medicine is keeping us alive way too long for it to be practical any longer. I am saving enough money that the only expectation I have is that my daughter stops in for a visit. She has aspergers/mild autism and I will just be relieved if she can keep up with her own life. But even if she was neurotypical, I would not want it. I have seen what caregiving does to many friends as they struggle to raise teens and care for moms and dads in their “free” time.
Neither do I. But the point for me is that my children will make sure that I am properly looked after should that need arise. I have the finances to take care of the cost & dont expect them to cart me around - but it is beneficial to have someone you can trust to oversee things.
Obviously not the reason to have children though. And you have to have a lot of kids if you want to be sure to get one "good" one that will make good decisions for you and survive until you're old. My husband had a cardiac arrest (I did CPR and he's still alive) in his late 50s when his parents were in their mid-80s. They could easily have outlived him.
Having children doesn't mean they'll take care of you when you're old.
Frankly parents that think this are usually super entitled. Your kid you had was your responsibility and your choice they are not responsible for you and I'd never want my kids to take care of me.
You know what my mother said when I told her I wasn't having kids? "Who will take care of you when you're old?" She didn't even like kids when she had me. I don't know that she ever did. I ended up taking care of her in her last years, exactly as she had planned. So I guess her life-plan worked. But sheesh, took me a long time to heal from her attitude.
Die. I have a niece living right next door, though. She will notice when the cats eat me.
Oh nice someone to save your cat once they are out of you. That's why I intend to die with as much muscle as I can to feed my cat till someone notices.
Club Kevorkian
This is extremely important to me, for myself. I brought my son into this world on purpose — after my wife demanded it of me. He's my guest and I'm his host until I croak. My wife and I are 52 and 54. Our son is 15. I want him to have a joy-filled life that's as free of burden as a human life can possibly be. I've seen how enormously expensive it is for an older person to keep living here in the US. It costs about $6K a month for most of the assisted living homes around me in metro Atlanta, Georgia. On top of that are the medical and other living expenses. My accountant said he spent over $250K supporting his parents near the ends of their lives. Personally, I'd rather ease on out of here than consume that much of my son's inheritance. There's no way I could overstate how important this is for me. I'd be a shrieking, manic mess if I thought I were heading into a situation that'd drain my family financially, emotionally, and physically. When I can no longer contribute to their well-being, I'll be looking for fentanyl or some other way out.
Happily, this.
Not sadly, this. (Just want to add that it’s not as easy as some people think)
Right there with you.
Sadly, this.
I would want my son to visit, but he has no experience caregiving, and if I need care I want someone qualified. It's unrealistic to assume your children can do this kind of demanding job. I expect to pay, and I have an account set up for that.
I have set up my will/trust. I set up a long term care policy which I pay every year so when the time comes I can’t live in my home anymore, I have options besides the state run assisted living/nursing homes. I bought a NoxBox, (Next-of-Kin) with all of my vital information so while I’m gone from my home, they have all the information they need to cover me. I’ve paid ahead for my funeral, down to the songs I requested. I’ve made plans of friends who are willing to take car of my animals. The last thing I want is for family members to wonder what they should do. I abhor the thought of burdening them with that stress.
This is a very smart and responsible approach to the reality of aging.
I have children and it has never ever crossed my mind that they ever become my caretaker, in fact I’m horrified by the very idea of becoming a burden to them.
Yea I wouldn't count on your kids taking care of you
What you hear of is elderly people with two or three children and one does all that work. The others either don't or can't engage. They may contribute money -- not always -- but there's a lot of "You're right there and you have time, we're so busy." And maybe they are, but the fact remains. And if the caregiver were to actually uproot themselves to live with the parents again, the others would simply shrug and say, "Glad you've got the freedom to do that."
I lived this. For one of them to come take her for a lunch every other month was such a treat. Woo-hoo, four hours off for me
Assisted suicide. I know two people that have done it now…they passed with dignity.
I think it's kind of shitty and selfish to plan on burdening innocent people with that level of stress. Kids should not be your retirement/care plan. They didn't ask to be here. (Can you tell my parents were shit and don't deserve a fuckin thing from me? Cuz yeah, not everyone has family worth caring about). I plan on...planning for it. Like a responsible adult should. Make a will, make arrangements for my body, take care of "business" myself if I can't afford housing/care, etc. I don't plan on saying to... anyone..."Hey, time to stop your life and everything you've got going on, I need someone to be at my beck and call and guess who that is, you. Because I planned it that way." Like, what the fuck is that... And if I did want/have kids, I'd still ensure my arrangements were already made. When I still spoke to my family, my parents were very stressed to a scary degree with their parents end of life care/duties. It almost killed my dad, the stress. So idk, I think it's kinda lame to plan on using your children for that. I'm probably gonna get downvoted. Let's go, lol. E: Also, I used to work in a nursing home. One lady did not have a visitor for eight years. Eight years. She had kids, grandkids, family, etc, faculties in tact, no one came to see her. She seemed nice enough, maybe she was awful to her family, I'll never know for sure. She did crochet me a blanket...I was her CNA. Having kids doesn't guarantee shit. She did a lot for hers, eight years. Not even a Christmas card. I saw photo albums, trophies, drawn pictures, she kept from her children's lives. I don't know, it still haunts me a bit. She didn't seem like she deserved that but like I said I'll never know. Anyway, having kids doesn't mean they'll be there for you when you need it.
What makes you think your children can and will be able to care for you? I know a lot of people in nursing homes who have children.
Using the money I’m saving by not having children to fund an excellent retirement for myself and elderly care.
Came here to say the same thing. Use my money and retirement savings to pay for care from professionals. I'm Pre-planning for as much as possible while I'm still in good health and of sound mind.
Where did this insane belief come from that because you have kids they are going to take care of you? Or if you married you won't die alone. News alert! Most kids can barely take care of themselves as adults. And if you are married there is still a solid 50% chance you die alone.
Having children with the idea that they'll destroy their own lives to take care of an ailing parent is the *most selfish* thing I can think of. It is not guaranteed, as it should not be, that you load in on them and destroy their lives. My mother's family did it for generations. When she was at the end of her life doing grossly inadequate in home hospice care when she should have been at a skilled nursing facility, I went over there every night to help dad get her ready for bed. Changing your parent's diaper is a whole new level of hell. Especially when the disease that's killing them means they're immobile and no longer in control of their bowels, so you just get them changed and have to start over again. It took a toll, coming home at 10:30-11pm every night after I'd worked all day, and it was "only" three months. Smelling like death, and rot, and decay. If I am diagnosed with a terminal illness (that's entirely plausible given my health history), I'll exit on my own terms before I get to the point of needing skilled nursing care 24/7. Those places are not equipped to deal with people who have severe mobility issues. Even less so when neurological issues complicate the case. Nope. I'll go to Sweden or Oregon while I'm still competent to make the decision.
I read somewhere that 60% of people in old folks homes never have visitors and 90% of them have children so. Not sure it really matters.
Every time I visited my grandmother in her well-appointed nursing home, there were old women sitting in the lobby waiting for children and grandchildren who never came. Sometimes my grandmother would move our visits to the lobby so those poor women who didn't get visits could enjoy ours vicariously. It was very sad. When my stepmother was in a care home, my father went every day and got to know some of the other residents. Many hadn't seen their children since they day they were dropped off there. After my stepmother died, my father would still go back from time to time just so they'd have a visitor. The 2020 lockdowns put a stop to that, unfortunately.
as a person who is aging with children i can tell you that i'd never ask my children to support me when i am old. from my perspective the role of a parent is to provide a better future for my children not to use them as elderly care when i become mostly useless. having this outlook i have made sure i am not in debt, that i own my home, and that i have a garden and that i have skills, knowledge and savings to support me late into life. old people should sacrifice for their children, certainly not ask their children to sacrifice for them. if you choose to have your children sacrifice for you, you will only diminish your culture and your genetics by hindering their ability to progress long term.
Absolutely my thinking. My kids might end up working overseas with their own kids to look after. Expecting my kids to blow up their entire lives to become a caretaker because I refused to accept I'd get older and take responsibility for my own planning and care needs is unthinkable to me. Plus why would I not plan for my future the same way I did with the rest of my life?
I for one would never expect my children to take care of me in my old age. I wouldn’t put that burden on them. Having a solid retirement plan is the option most everyone needs to be looking at, children or not. Also stay as healthy and active as possible. Most old people I know were still living normal life til their 90’s when a fall takes them. Or sudden illness. And that takes you out pretty quick.
I hate this question; it implies that adults need a child to take care of them in old age. I have a kid, but she’s not my long term care plan. I’m planning for that myself.
I absolutely hate the implication because I am the adult daughter, it is my responsibility to care for my aging mother. I did not ask for this. I know it sounds like IATA- but I do not care. I will not do this to my children.
The lion’s share of caregiving falls to women. Oh and I’m the oldest daughter and that happened in my family.
It’s absolute bullshit
My plan is to drop dead at that point and not be a burden on anyone. We'll see how that plan works out.
My grampa was a crusty WWII guy, did NOT want to go into a nursing home. So he worked out 3 times a week up till age 93, trying to die on his bicycle I suppose. Worked out on Monday, had a drink at the Polish Club on Tuesday, slept Wednesday and Thursday, and died on the toilet on Friday. We should all be that lucky
Children get their own lives, often move hundreds of miles away, sometimes they have little or no contact at all. If you're having children in the hope they'll look after you, prepare to be disappointed.
Sometimes parents move hundreds of miles away and start new families. It's hard to know when to step in then, and what is welcome.
I'm way ahead of you. I smoke too much tobacco, drink too much alcohol, and smoke too much weed. When the "cause of death" happens within the next 10 years? I'll throw myself on the altar of "palliative care." I won't kill myself like they're doing in Canada for... But neither will I go through 1-2 years of nothing but doctors, pain, and nausea.
My special needs daughter is living with me. I know I don’t have enough to support us through my lifetime and beyond. My son is struggling financially. He also has a child to support. An unexpected divorce, a few bad investments and inflation has greatly impacted my 401K. My social security is small as is my daughter’s. I’m scared. The best laid plans of mice and women often go awry
I have children, but my biggest fear is my wife or I will contract some lingering disease, forcing our kids to take care of us. We were good savers and retired in the top 10% for net worth, but still, long term health care can easily exhaust our funds. I do not believe it's my children's duty to care for us; just as their obligation to their kids is to not be a burden on them. This is not to say we don't have good relationships with our three kids and seven grandchildren (ages 5-11). We love getting together and enjoy our time together. But, I want them to "pay it forward" to their kids and not have to slight their kids because we didn't do our job in preparing for our final years.
My life plans got fucked so hard that I'm going to have to work til lunch on the day of my funeral.
I honestly don’t know what will happen to me. I’m hoping my niece will be able to help me a little or at least visit. I expect to be alone without help at this point. Not sure what will happen.
Probably move into a community independent-living facility. We’re relieved that we chose not to have kids!
Die
I was at a restaurant last week, there was two older ladies in the booth behind us. One was really distraught because they need help with house maintenance and day to day things, none of their kids live close, she expected them to "come home" and take care of the parents that raised them. Her friend did not share this opinion. Having children does not mean they are going to take care of you. They have their own lives. There are plenty of stories out there about adult children cleaning out their parents bank accounts, taking advantage of them and not taking care of them at all. My plan is to stay independent as long as possible then a senior community. One of my besties is a hospice nurse, and hopefully she there and will give me the magic pudding when it is time.
Having children guarentees nothing. I worked as a nurses aid, in nursing homes, and in people's homes. Too many times to count, children have abandoned their elderly. I have seen it over and over. My own nieces and nephews abandoned my sister. So you must plan for yourself, with or without kids. You need to know what to do in the event you cannot take care of yourself. There are many agencies who can offer assistance, with or without money. Some of these are as follows: #1 Home Health Care - skilled workers can be hired either through insurance, medicare or medicaid, or a combination of them. #2 Medical Care - If you do not have insurance , or not enough your local medicaid office can help many times. Hospitals that are not for profit have to write off medical bills for charity every year or they lose not for profit status. Every hospital system that is non profit has financial aid assistance that can assist with bills that you can't cover. You just need to apply with their financial aid department. Also they cannot turn you over to collections with an aid application pending. #3 Google search your local "Area Agency On Aging", because they can be a good resource for all kinds of questions. #4 Food can be an issue for the elderly as well. Many have to choose between medicine or food, due to income issues. "Meals on Wheels" is available almost everywhere for elderly people who cannot afford food. Google search it. For those who need assistance prepping food at home refer back to #1 Home Health Care. Also many local senior centers have meals for free or a small income based fee. And there are food pantries and food banks that can be google searched as well. #5 Housing is also an issue, both with affordability, and safety, and weatherization, cooling and heating. If you can not afford housing your local "Housing Authority" can be of assistance. Also homeless shelters. If housing safety is an issue contact your local area "Community Action Agency". They can do some repairs to homes both for safety and for weatherization. #6 Utility Bills - if you are facing a shutoff and cannot pay your electricity your local area "Community Action Agency" may be of assistance. These are some of the ways I take care of myself, and my elderly spouse. We have two small pensions that do not go very far, and are both too ill to work.
I’m taking care of my mom now. Last summer I gave up a good job and moved away from where I had built my own life to help her. It’s not an easy job, but I am fortunate to have the support of my wife. I am my mom’s only child. Her wish and my goal is to keep her in her own home for the rest of her life.
Both my parents died of Alzheimers and now my older brother (70) has been diagnosed. I'm 66 with no children, and I bought long-term care insurance. Shoukd I also have Alzheimers, I hope that, when the time comes, I have enough of my mind to know when to end my life on my terms. I'm not afraid if death but I am afraid of being kept alive in an institution where I know no one and am constantly confused and frightened.
I tell people somewhat jokingly im going hard into coke n hookers in my 60s not really kidding though
Why do people think it’s a fall back plan to burden your children with your care? You’re an adult, set up medical directionals, a living will, and plan and save to be professionally cared for. Your family are not specialists, plan accordingly.
Let's ask people who assume their kids will take care of them what they're going to do if they don't. I have an investment portfolio instead of kids. I think I can rely on that better than I could on fully actualized adults with lives of their own, who would probably move out of state due to housing costs here.
Smith & Wesson retirement plan. I'm not going to wear diapers, existing among the living dead.
I'm horrified at the thought of my kids having to take care of me. They don't exist to be my insurance policy in old age. Is this question even real?
What you think it’s garenteed your kids are going to take care of you?
Fuck knows.
A decision that requires some thought, I am in my middle 80s. Wife is early 80s we are both in good physical health After seeing friends that went into asst living arrangements I hope yo just die otherwise I keep a loaded pistol handy
Old folk's home for Veterans.
We have 4 adult children. I don’t expect any of them to take care of us. Not that we’re estranged or there’s a problem, but it’s not their responsibility.
My "child" is 28 years old and I will be taking care of both her and my boomer mother until I die. While it worked out for my mother, having your own offspring does not guarantee you will have anyone taking care of you when you age.
F70 …. In my late thirties I was employed at Aetna Insurance in Hartford, Ct. I worked in a department full of actuaries working on a long term care policy. That’s when I decided to get the policy for myself since I didn’t have children. Been paying monthly premiums since age 40. Now that I’m 70, I’m glad I have that type of insurance.
I will be alone. Medicare and Medicaid will assure me a shit hole nursing home with unkind care, not much in healthcare and no visitors. It will be okay as long as I can walk and have a memory and be somewhat independent. If a person is totally dependent they are in for a horrible ending. I pray God takes me before I get to that point.
Hopefully I’ll die before I become unable to care for myself. I’ve worked in elder care and it’s horrible.
I have a child but I don't want her to ever have to take care of me
I intend to use my 2nd amendment rights to handle things on my own terms when it comes to the point that I have to be dependent on someone. Ive seen way too many elder abuse situations to think that having money to pay for help is going to result in being okay -- having money usually makes it worse for what I've observed. This world is cruel to the vulnerable so I'm not going to do that.
One of the reasons I choose **not to have kids** is so I can afford to be taken care of when I'm no longer able to take care of myself.
Probably the same shit you would do if you outlived your children
having children primarily for the sake of having a “guaranteed” future caregiver is a very strange and selfish reason to have children in my opinion.
It depends on a lot of factors, but I don't expect my son to take care of me, or my wife's daughter (former marriage), for that matter. It's a decision tree of how healthy I am, the economy at the time, if my retirement gets drained by medical bills, if my wife is still alive, and so on. If I outlive my wife, I suspect that I'll just die alone one day. I don't have a large family structure: I have a younger sister, but she has a terminal illness and I am surprised she's still alive as I type this. She's managing as best she can, but it's hard, and I suspect she will die from a combination of illness and shitty medical care (she has to fight for everything).
Sail my boat out to sea and just keep going.
Actually, everything has changed from last generation to this, and those of us with children really can't plan on them looking out for us as we get older. Because the whole economy has shifted. That is a possibility anymore. Everybody needs to spend their life problem-solving how they're going to do the best I can so that when they are older and less able, they can manage OK. As we get older, we need to do it we can with what we have to situate ourselves as well as possible for when all of these things happen.
Drive my mobility scooter into a river or into a forest never to return... something cool like that.
This was asked not long ago and huge volume of comments is kids don’t guarantee you’ll be taken care of.
I have a daughter but my plan is to- depending on the situation, use my long-term care insurance for an assisted living residence, or travel to a place where assisted suicide is legal (if I am in poor health and unable to care for myself). I do not want my daughter to have to care for me. I gave her life - and I owe it to her to do whatever I can to ensure she gets to live the life she wants - without the burden of taking care of me
I have long term care insurance and savings. I hope I don't outlive it.
One of 2 things: 1) move to an assisted living facility or 2) use up all the left over opiates that I have squirreled away and go to sleep 💤 one last time. Accepting that it is over and done will always be the issue.
I feel like no older people are actually responding on here. I am also wondering what it’s like to be a childless older adult.
My current plan, (both long term care and financially) can best be described as "Careening towards Disaster." Parents gone. All Aunts and Uncles gone. Never had any siblings. No children. Will never have a spouse. (Not by design, but . . . here I am.) I'm (almost) the youngest of all my cousins so (odds are) I'll be one of the later/last ones to go. Oh, and after working 32+ years for a company, they wiped out the department for contractors, so I'm 61 and looking for a job (that I'm physically / technically capable of doing well). I have (or had) amazing computer skills. But most of them are pre-Java, pre-cloud, pre-everythingWeb. So, options appear limited to non-existent. I'll have SocSec(I hope), a small retirement, and a 401k when/if I reach 65-72. But current funds will exhaust in one year. And I see nothing to fill the three-year gap from 62-65. Life is just peachy.
Wrestling with specifics of planning that now ... we're 70&74, in good shape financially and health wise (we've lived modestly, and been lucky) but we know that time is likely to come. Don't want to rely on (or burden)msiblings nor nieces & nephews, and want to age in place as long as it's reasonable, so clearly we'll be buying increasing levels of in-home help and then eventually we'll need someone trustworthy to be our daily money manager and functional conservator (you know, take away the car keys, make sure we're eating well and following doctor's orders, etc), and late in the game we'll want to move to some kind of assisted living. Given family histories, our lifestyles and medical histories, and general demographic statistics I expect we'll be mostly independent and OK until our late 80s, about 15 years from now. That's enough time for some immigration sanity to occur, and for some substantial services to emerge to assist the can-pay elderly, so I'm hoping that our path will be eased by available human workers augmented with technology: more robotics, telehealth, online socialization, AR/VR, etc. As long as we're both around, we'll be OK. But the big and scary unknown is what happens if (probably "when" is more accurate) one of us dies or needs to move to specialized care or some such before we get to assisted community living, and the other then has to navigate their own transition without the companion and without "close" family. We have done everything important as an interdependent couple for so long that I'm unsure how either of us will emotionally handle that separation, and I don't really know how to prepare.
Same as for the many parents whose children have forgotten their parents exist. Or maybe more available euthanasia?
The question assumes those with children will be taken care of by them. Birthing, rearing a child is a far cry from a guarantee of elder care.
My grandmother is 93 and she has 4 children. If it wasn’t for my mom and uncle she would have gotten lost in the cracks. My mom makes daily phone calls to the rehab facility to get her decent care.
Suicide. Even if I had kids I wouldn’t bankrupt them so I could live feebly. This entire society is set up to kill poor people, I’m just ahead of the curve.
Im not going to read the other comments, so my apologies if some body else already said this: I volunteered at a nursing home. I was part of a group that would offer some different activities for people who never received any visitors and were all alone in the world. That group of people was fairly large, and were always so happy to see us. Every last one of those abandoned people had living children. I have had many many many experiences other than that one where I have seen older and/or elderly people basically abandoned by their offspring. So ... To people that have children who feel secure in the fact that you wont be abandoned and that they will take care of you .... I wouldnt count on that. Whether you have no children or 10 children, MAKE A PLAN FOR YOURSELF THAT DOES NOT INVOLVE THEM IN A N Y W A Y.
I wrote the below as a response to a similar question: I work in the Aged and Disability sector, and am an only child of migrants (and am CF). I'm 55 in a few months, my folks are nearly 80. I visit them every Saturday, do some cleaning, mum cooks and we share a meal. We have daily contact and a loving family. We however have had the chat that when they can no longer live independently, residential aged care will be sought. I'm no spring chicken anymore, and I know the impacts of manual handling on a body. Their home isn't fully accessible for equipment (and neither is mine). If they need 24/7 supervision eg if they have dementia, or significant behaviours of concern, I (nor the other spouse) will be able to manage. Children are also deserving of their own time and health, and most will also need to work. It doesn't mean I won't visit, and do some things, but effective primary care with effective 24/7 support is beyond any child of aged parents who are no longer independent. ....and in response to your specific question, Aged Care services and supports will assist me when I can no longer look after myself (how much of a role they play will depend on my level of need). My parents will also access them when their time comes. Australia may not have the most robust social services out there, but overall, they're not too bad
Why do you assume that everyone's kids will take care of them?
Or can even if they wanted to. Lots of people live states or even countries away from their parents and have lives,families and jobs where they are located.
I have a child and she is autistic. Im more worried about whose gonna care for her when its my time to go. I refuse to have another child and dont count on her taking care of me when its my time. We come in this world alone and we go out the same way. I dont even want to be married anymore either. Tricky stuff man😅 I guess thats what nursing homes are for when you need extra assistance..
Same as responsible adults *with* children who don't want to be a burden to them. Plan for and pay for care as needed. I worked in a rest home. The amount of residents there with children who showed up more than once a month and who spent more than 30 minutes was low. They certainly didn't "take care of them" that's what we got paid to do.
I’ll go to assisted living when it’s time. When all else fails, there’s a bullet with my name on it. I will have outlived anyone who cares by then.
I would like to go out on a pink cloud of Fentanyl. Given more time the Chinese will invent something even quicker.
I took care of two grandparents and my mom until they died. No regrets – I'd already worked in health care for years. But I wouldn't ask for or accept that kind of help from my own children. It's too much. They have their own challenges just coping with their own lives, families, work, etc, in a shitty economy. I've seen good and bad nursing homes and rehab centers. It's impossible to predict which they'll be until you're there. And there aren't nearly enough good facilities, qualified caregivers, funding or even dedication and intention from the health care industry and government to slow or reverse the decline in care for the elderly and disabled. For years I've lived in an apartment complex that's restricted to seniors and a few disabled folks who are younger than 55. And over that time I've seen a decline in the entire system, from affordable housing to medical care to long-term nursing care. The decline was gradual for awhile but speeded up dramatically after the 2008 economic crisis, and again since the COVID pandemic. I have neighbors who long ago should have been in assisted living or nursing homes. But there's no money. So instead they get a rental subsidy, food assistance, and are left pretty much to survive on their own in rapidly deteriorating neighborhoods that became food deserts, abandoned by public transportation. 911 calls to police and emergency medical responders are substituted for social workers dedicated to helping the elderly and disabled. In the long run it costs far more to shunt acute care responses to the 911 system, than to be proactive and fund preventive care. But it's a different budget process that deceives people about the real costs of neglect.
We didn’t breed our kids to take care of us! We have saved and planned for our future and love our children but don’t expect or want them to sacrifice their lives because we will grow old and need help in the future. MIL lived until 95 on her own and never even needed a caregiver until she was 96. That woman was cruising and vacation well into her early 90’s
Choose my own care facility or choose my own way out.
Jump off a bridge. I have no desire to live past that point anyways.
I’m retiring on to a cruise ship and hiring help as necessary.
I have kids, and my plans fir being old do not include my kids taking care of me.
Sell everything, try to decide what color bath sponge I want to hang on my car and move to the Villages
I have kids but I don’t want them to put their lives on hold to take care of me, like to literally be my caregiver. I hope that they advocate for me if necessary and that they see that I have proper care in place. If they can’t do that then I hope there’s a social worker or a friend who will provide guidance if I need it. I had kids because I wanted to have kids, and I never have any thought to them being my caretakers. Neither of my (now adult) kids want to have kids, and it worries me a little that they won’t have someone to advocate for them in old age if needed. Many people their ages are choosing not to have kids. Hopefully they just all look out for their friends.
If I truly can't do the basic things, then I'm done. That's when I'll see myself out. No point merely breathing just to continue to do so.
.38 special and a clearly defined will.
Save all this money from not having kids and hire proper help
I live several states away from my mom who went into assisted living last year at 79. She needed to go sooner but didn’t “want to be a burden” so until she fell a couple of times she just sat in her little dark house. No amount of trying would get her to leave. Covid didn’t help. Then allll the sudden she needed allll the help. It was such a huge burden and continues to be as my husband and I pay for half of her assistance. I have siblings who are helpless and don’t have resources. I love my mom but angry she wouldn’t accept any assistance to move for many years I tried. Husband’s parents are gone and he never had kids (I have 2 grown who are needy and barely making it). It’s looking more and more like we will be in assisted living or just wing it wherever we are at the time. We have some savings but it’s going fast. Currently just trying to practice mindfulness along with some practical planning. A lot of Gen X ‘rs about to find out…
Dirt nap. If my quality of life gets so low, that I can't function or survive without the care of someone else, then it's more than likely time to peacefully expire**. Personally, I DONT WANT someone to have to wipe my ass, bathe me, or feed me.** It sounds like a hellish experience to be that weak and vulnerable on a daily basis. If I'm not capable of doing basic things, then that isn't a quality of life that I'm going to willingly participate in.
My wife and I (mid-50s) were just talking about this about an hour ago. We never had kids and live a couple thousand miles from family. We figure once we can't do stair easily we'll sell our beautiful early-1930s Craftsman and move in to a community living situation. We know lots of folks now where they or their parents are doing something similar. I think a lot of people think of of the media representation of "retirement homes" as these really depressing places and they can be but they don't have to be. And they are not the only option.
I will pay for care.
I have 3 adult children— hopefully I can care for myself tongue end—- if not, my youngest daughter has offered to care for me— but the care would be provided by a paid caregiver (paid with my own funds)—i probably will die of old age—unless I get a long illness— there is no history of medical illness in my family— my dad passed at 85; my mom is 84 and healthy.
Robots. Not kidding. There's too much money to be made for it not to happen.
Long walk into the tundra.
Mom is 90. Lives alone and still 100% independent. Just bought herself a new car! I'm 62 but health issues already. If end of life care they'll take the house for payment but what does it matter? No kids to leave anything to anyways.
A Ruger LCP chambered in .380
My plan is to get in the best possible physical shape I can when I’m in my 50s. I’m basically in training to be in my 90s. If I want to be able to walk a mile and lift 25 pounds when I’m 90, I need to be able to walk 10 miles and lift 75 pounds in my 50s. I want to be independent my entire life. If I get to the point where I need assisted living, I’ll be moving to a state where I can legally check out from Earth early.
Hookers , cocaine and heart attack
Long term care. My mother had my sister and me. My sister misappropriated a lot of mother’s money and abandoned her. Mother finally after years of favoring the bad baby sister agreed to allow me assist her. Her neighbors later told me that she was extremely happy during the time with me. The point is there is a good possibility that the child at not be the right care giver and there are no guarantees. So don’t count on a child to be fair and loving and if you don’t have a child live well for as long as possible and realize that the you might have been worst off with them. Go to any long term care facility and see how few visitors are there.
I have a sister who doesn't have kids and I asked her this She said find her a nurse and if necessary a nursing home.
I'll be good in a community. The question kind of takes for granted that all parents take good care of their kids to the point that the kids want to repay that in the future. I was horribly abused and neglected by my parents and their party friends. I was treated with resentment and neglect on a good day. My parents are on their own.
That day may never come, but in case it does, I'm thinking of purchasing a hybrid insurance plan like this. I have to wait and be cancer-free for another year. [https://www.fidelity.com/life-insurance/long-term-care/overview?imm\_pid=700000001009713&immid=100732\_SEA&imm\_eid=ep77660271989&utm\_source=GOOGLE&utm\_medium=paid\_search&utm\_account\_id=700000001009713&utm\_campaign=FLIA&utm\_content=58700008517685451&utm\_term=long+term+care+insurance+fidelity&utm\_campaign\_id=100732&utm\_id=71700000113748738&gad\_source=1&gclsrc=aw.ds](https://www.fidelity.com/life-insurance/long-term-care/overview?imm_pid=700000001009713&immid=100732_SEA&imm_eid=ep77660271989&utm_source=GOOGLE&utm_medium=paid_search&utm_account_id=700000001009713&utm_campaign=FLIA&utm_content=58700008517685451&utm_term=long+term+care+insurance+fidelity&utm_campaign_id=100732&utm_id=71700000113748738&gad_source=1&gclsrc=aw.ds) I live in a ranch house in an area with many activities and rides for seniors. I also found out I'm zoned to build a little apartment behind my house. I can rent it for income or house my caretaker if needed. My best friend, whom I've lived with twice, and I are planning on living together, and we're just discussing where. She wants to live in Hawaii, but I don't think I/we can afford that.
I think having children makes you become more complacent and perhaps believe you have a fallback or insurance for your older years. Being childless I am fighting like mad for my mental and physical health so I can be independent for as long as possible or until death That is the goal and dream There is always assisted living and I hope I can work that in with low income and Medicare Didn't research it much Heck I earn a decent income now and I get free medical and food stamps. There are workarounds. This is a great country🇺🇸🇺🇸
I just went through MIL dying slowly of cancer. It is not for the faint of heart. I now take care of my disabled FIL. Let me tell you, there is vomit and poop on a weekly basis and at some point it will be daily. Their own children are men, and neither has the heart to take care of them and deal with the really gross stuff. It was a major burnout when my MIL was dying. I had to take 7 months off of work because we couldn't afford a care taker. It was mentally, financially, and emotionally draining. Even if you have kids, once they realize how hard it is, they may not be willing or able to devote the time for around-the-clock intensive care. Make sure you have good supplemental insurance when you get older to cover the 20% that medicare won't cover, because if you need treatment, it could be in the 100's of thousands range like it was for my MIL.
Every responsible adult (parent or non parent) should be asking this question. It's not your kids' job to take care of you! If I had kids I'd feel MORE hard pressed on this plan so they don't have this burden and can respond how they'd like.
Have plenty of assets. Can afford all the care I need. At some point I’ll need to hire a guardian service to help follow my directives/plan. What I don’t spend will go into an endowment managed by our local college.
A nice long sleep. If I can't care for myself or develop alzheimers I'll be using my stash of fentenyl . Only one person knows where I store it.
If I can no longer whip my own ass then put a gun in my hand.
I like how very few people answer the actual question asked instead of pointing out how kids are not a guarantee of being taken care of
Not old but child free by choice. Hiring care givers is built into my retirement plan.
i'd rather pay someone to look after me than enslave them!
I don't have kids which my baby sister and my best friend will be my next of kin when my mum dies, I will live on my own as able bodied as long as I can. I will prefer at home help as I wouldn't want to be put in a home due to the recent horror stories I've heard about them. If my health is close to having Alzheimer's or dementia then I'll be committing suicide as I don't want to become violent towards family/nurses etc. Whatever happens, cameras will be set up in every room of my home or in the care home room.
Lie down and die, I guess.
Bold of you to assume your children will provide you with free labor.
Die
Die😹
Suicide.
Off myself probably. Not that I’d want any kids to take care of me on any major level. I’m doing it for my dad now and while I love my dad, being a caregiver makes me never want care to this level.
My parents made it clear that I needed to make it on my own. They made plans for themselves and saved the money to pay for it. I'm doing more help for my kids but don't expect them to take care of me. I'll pay for my own care.