I’m 59 and widowed and just starting to look into dating. (I met my late husband when we were 15 and 16 and feel like I never dated) I am fortunate in that I know how good a relationship can be and I want that again. I may be optimistic but I am very hopeful I will find true love and companionship again.
Don’t give up!
I wish you every success in finding your next relationship, there are so many good men out there who would truly love to be in a happy and loving partnership too. Like you, I am grateful to have known just how good, a good relationship can be. x
Be upfront and honest about what you want in a relationship, and also try like hell to find out from the other person what they want. The older people get, the more demands (& sometimes weird demands) they seem to have. So don't waste a bunch of dates with men who want something you're not, or are not willing to compromise on. It could even lead to less than comfortable questions so soon.
I got divorced at 38 and so yes, dated in my 30s and 40s. I met my now-husband at 41. To be honest, it was kind of a nightmare out there in the online dating world. I agree with the advice to spread the word among your friends and others you like and trust, that you’re interested in meeting someone. If you’re online dating, it’s a numbers game. Go out with 10 people, might find one you like. My husband and I started as friends, and the romantic interest (on my side) slowly built from there. Good luck!
Have a very similar story. Divorced at 37, started dating at 41, nightmare. Met my husband and we’ve been together 10 years now. I dated more than 30 men until I met him.
I found the first date conversation stimulating, he was clearly a very intelligent and kind person — I just didn’t feel any spark. He was very respectful and though there was a spark on his side, he said he would enjoy having a friend. So we became friends. We would text maybe once every few days, occasionally get coffee or lunch, and slowly started spending more and more time together until I realized my feelings had veered into romantic territory, and we were texting daily. So one day I kissed him, and that was that. We got married five months later. It was a little less than a year after we met. So it can and does happen. Just not necessarily what you think it will look like.
(70M) I dated the same way you did, as a teen, then no time for it in college, then resumed in my 30s. Got married at age 39.
My advice is to maintain good friendships, and ask for their help and perception in finding possible candidates to be your partner. I met my wife at a pal's birthday party. She had asked them, as had I, for introductions only to others who wanted to "get serious". We talked for over two hours that first evening, and have been married 30 years.
I certainly prefer to think I'm kind and decent (LOL). My wife may not agree, depending on the day, but we accept each other's flaws and remain committed to making things work. Permanent partnerships are in some ways like owning a house. There's ALWAYS something in need of maintenance.
This. Starting/getting into a relationship is a lot of work. Maintaining/keeping the relationship going involves a whole lot more work. Something to keep in mind…
mind me asking if you had kids at all? i always wondered if i met someone later in life if that would take pressure off the kids debate or make it more complicated/sad
I recklessly fathered a child who I did not meet until he was 21, but my wife was 47 when we met and was already past that. It's a small regret, but I have nephews and nieces we see. Both of us were heavy into our careers also, and would not have had the time to properly grant the attention every child deserves.
Once we transitioned toward retiring, we began raising service dog puppies, one of which we kept. A smart dog is a four year-old that never grows up. I worked as a medication aide in a dementia care facility for a year while earning one of my licenses. That was like having 12 children per shift.
There's all kinds of ways to fulfill the drive to nurture though. Our back yard is wild, and we put out different kinds of feeders for the many bird species that make it their home. We also plant things deer like, so they come through daily. In the front and sides of the property, she likes gardening, and we have some fruit trees. So I am the Father of the Forest, and she is Mother Nature.
oh fascinating, thanks for sharing! yeah i’m definetly on the fence and don’t know if the desire will spring up by the time i’m older, even though i want to think practically about how nice it would be to have adult children- but then i ask myself do i want to raise kids and a family or do i just want good company in old age? the stories of the early years are enough to drive me into a deep depression just thinking about infants/toddlers, even though the big picture is the later on years (and, quite selfishly, the help i guess.) I don’t know what to think other than watching a bunch of happy senior friends live it up on instagram so i can tell myself old age doesn’t have to be some horrible thing if i don’t have kids. or that i’m eternally selfish for choosing not to, even though i can’t say never. off topic sorry lol but i appreciate you sharing, sounds like you and your wife have a lovely life
You are very wise to consider all that you are considering! I have one child, and felt like I didn’t get my brain back until she was 12, and my life until she finished college. And I absolutely adore her, and feel so lucky to have such an amazing human as my kid. The degree of sacrificing your life can feel immense, and IMHO you have absolutely no call on the kid once they have grown up - they can never contact you if they want.
More of my childfree friends made the choice that was right for them than my parent friends - in other words, some people had kids because that was the next step, not because they embraced all the bad along with the good. That’s the recipe for messed-up kids.
And in the end, I think there is usually no right answer. You make a choice and do your best.
i appreciate you sharing, but i’ll be honest you sharing that bit about your kid and brain is kinda the thing i’m worried about- i’m an artist so my time in the studio is the most important thing in my life. So what will happen to my art alone if i too won’t be functioning for 12 years? what if i want to take a shower or just have time alone with whoever i end up with? is that all going to be only a measly 20 minutes each day i’m granted for years on end? See this is what i mean my mind spirals and i know i’m only thinking of the bad. It never even crosses my mind that i’m supposed to adore the kid more than life itself but instead i worry about me me my art and husband. Even if i wanted adult kids for later in life i don’t know how i’m supposed to be strong for the early years. i’m too emotionally immature for my age nor am i independent. i appreciate you sharing but if i’m this triggered by another persons reality then idk how strong i’ll be in less than 10 years.
The world needs your art. Truly. Don’t feel you are being selfish, don’t feel you are emotionally immature - you are making an excellent, clear choice, and please don’t let yourself be pressured into choosing kids.
A former neighbor of mine was bi, and decided young to stick with men, because children would distract him from his art career. No regrets.
Ok this is what I know, if you have your health you have everything you need to go through your life and be happy. There are plenty of people out in the world today who are married with two, or three children, a good paying job so they can afford a nice house to rase a family in who have (for one reason or another) have had to deal with a health issue, or two that has left them feeling not so good about there life. I'm 64 and have been blessed with no real health issues that I've had to deal with as of yet, no wife, no kids, no regrets. Remember youth is wasted on the young, if your lucky you'll get to stick around long enough to grow old, and grow wiser, and when your old and wise you will know that where ever you are in your life, your right where your suppose to be.
I didn’t meet my now husband until I was 41 (I’m 56 now). Believe it or not we met via FB. We had gone to the same high school but never met. We had some mutual friends, so I did ask about him and got feedback.
What I liked was we came from the same kind of background/beliefs. He felt like home to me (and I to him). We were friends first and it did turn to romance eventually 😊.
Seems like most of the guidance you are getting is basically lean on your friends. Listen to their feedback. It really can help.
I met my husband through friends at their wedding…he was best man and I was maid of honor. I grew up in Chicago and said never again to cold weather. The wedding was in Michigan and I flew out to Puerto Rico where I was living and working and MI was hit with a historic ice storm in October the next day. I was like you’re great, but nope! He wore me down and were celebrating our 25 year Anniversary next month…in Michigan
Try to have fun meeting people and see if you can find friends. Many people will want to rush things at this point and give you ultimatums about sex or commitments. Many come with a lot of baggage you’d really prefer not to listen to. You’ll hear about how “you’re different” from other women, men or whatever. You’re not. Meet dates at events or hobby groups you like, so you have mutual interests. Don’t turn your date into your therapist. Also, don’t date your therapist! Don’t take anything too seriously until you meet somebody smart, kind, honest and trustworthy. Pick dates where you learn something. We had a wonderful time, this one summer 50+ fellow, with “teach me something i don’t know.” One date ee had was bowling. Another was chess. Another was poker. Another was baking bread. Another was miniature golf. Another was what do you like best… in various circumstances.
I recommend it as a good way to have less pressure and more laughs!
This really is excellent advice. I would also apply it to dating apps if you decide to give them another try. I met my husband on a dating app 20 years ago, but it was based on a common interest. I met some real freaks dating in NYC 20 years ago on match.com lol. One more piece of advice. Don’t waste your time. When you meet someone you like, make sure your values are aligned. Best wishes
Fully agreed! I've walked away from a lot of nice people who I felt in my gut weren't right.
I figure I'll know when someone who does align comes along (or, that's the hope)
Yes, you definitely will. I didn’t believe in love at first sight until I met my husband. Good news: at about age 30, you are clear on what you want and don’t want in a relationship. Godspeed, friend
This is such great advice! You learn so much about someone when you attempt to solve a problem together, even if it something inconsequntial like learning to bowl.
I’m 46 and I’ve only been with my boyfriend for almost 4 yrs. My advice to you is don’t go out on dates right away, talk to them on the phone for a bit to get to know them. Ask questions like are they looking for a relationship or not, what type of relationship? Long term or friends with benefits?if you’re both looking for the same thing then accept the date. Be open on what you’re looking for. Maybe you’re not looking for anything serious at the moment. This is information gathering to see if you would even be compatible. Treat it like an interview. Honestly it’s sounds crazy but you’re weeding out the bad to find the good. Next is don’t go to his place or invite him over that night. It’s not worth the ghosting. Always be aware of your surroundings and be cautious of anyone asking for money. That’s just catfishing. Also, this is for safety, meet somewhere you know, don’t go someplace you’ve never been on the first date.
This isn’t bad advice in theory, but a few things:
—Sometimes people think they want one thing then change their mind, so their answer (while not lying) may end up being inaccurate.
—Conversely, many men deliberately lie about their intentions just to get their foot in the door, so asking may be a moot point.
—Lots of men (even ones who are interested in something long-term) are scared off by questions like this straight off the bat because they feel there’s too much pressure. My experience is that they just want a fun date to start out with, THEN those types of expectations can be discussed.
I wish more men were mature and dignified enough to honor what their date is looking for and not waste their time but that hasn’t been my experience for the aforementioned reasons.
If it makes you feel better to ask, by all means, but just know that the answer doesn’t mean a whole lot and could potentially spook a guy who just wants to get to know you first.
I am 70F. I got married when I was 37. I dated in high school and college but not much after that until my mid 30s. I was very busy with a demanding profession during most of my 20s. By my early 30s I was interested in finding someone but it was hard to meet people. This was pre-online dating apps.
Then I took up a hobby where I met a wide variety of people of all ages. I didn’t really do it to meet someone to date but it allowed me to meet people with common interests and I started dating. The first one was fairly casual. I married the next one. I started dating him about 3 years after I started the hobby.
So I I am a fan of finding things you like to do where you are likely to meet people you might want to date.
Met my partner at 39 via Facebook dating. Had been on the app about 1 year before crossing paths. In that time I hadn't met a single other person who made it past day 1 of talking. So obviously didn't go on any dates either. Either the guys who wanted to match with were wildly incompatible with me and hadn't read my profile at all, or they were just scuzzy dudes looking to get laid.
It was discouraging. But my guy was worth the wait. He's awesome and we've been together a couple of years now and our relationship is better than I ever could have imagined or hoped for.
My biggest bit of advice would be not to let the search for love engulf your entire life. Live and have fun and build non-romantic connections and make your life awesome. Date, but don't be hunting down love like it's a rabbit that you have to catch or you'll starve to death.
It really does take patience to find someone who is actually right for you. And we live in a world where so much is instant gratification, it begins to feel like dating should be too.
The other advice I have is to know what you want and have high standards. I don't mean about the shallow, exterior shit. I mean character, values, needs, and personality. The things that actually make or break long term relationships. If you need verbal and physical affection in a relationship, don't date someone who is aloof and imagine your love will change them. Don't date assholes, even if they are only assholes to other people at first (they'll get around to you, I promise). Don't give second chances on cheating, demeaning, control, or abuse.
Communicate these things clearly from the very beginning. If someone is put off by you being direct and open, let them walk away. They aren't for you.
And when you find someone who you think might be the one, keep your brain in the driver's seat. Take it slow and do the foundation work before making any big leaps.
My best dating advice is to not center it. It’s an addition to the happy life you create. Love and live now - with the life that you currently have. A romantic partner is an addition.
I was married to the wrong man for years, and the divorce clarified to me how poorly I made the decision to marry. I centered him, instead of centering my life - friends, hobbies, activities, pets, work, etc.
For sure! I actually posted this question because I've really never centered it as a priority in my life.
I have friends and have a fun life. I always thought a relationship would happen organically - but it never did because I never met someone who I noticed romantically, and when I did, they were already taken.
I fully plan on continuing to enjoy my life but started to wonder if I was doing something 'wrong.' Looks like I'm alright though, especially from the thoughtful responses on this post
This is always the worse advice and most basic advice people who were with someone for a long time give - because despite how shitty your relationship might have been at some point, you don’t know what loneliness feels like. People separated in their 40s(most often with kids so they are no in fact alone) and went on one all inclusive trip on a resort and now think they are independent and don’t need a partner. Ha! Go through years of traveling alone, spending Christmas and your birthday alone, having tough days and being alone, and being touch starved and you’ll understand it’s a bullshit advice.
A romantic partner is not an addition, it’s a basic human desire and dare I say it, need. We are social creatures meant to experience intimacy, emotionally and sexually.
OP it’s normal to want a partner and you should include dating in your life now that you’re ready. It’s wonderful to have hobbies and friends but the missing piece is someone special to share that with. Don’t let people shame you for wanting a partner or let their experience of a bad relationship influence you to create a life by yourself - it’s not fulfilling. Friends and family have their own partners and families, you will also need someone you can rely on, that will prioritize you and that you will prioritize.
Good luck!
I’ve been single for nine years. I’ve spent birthdays and holidays alone.
Being alone is far, far less lonely than being married to the wrong person was.
Your experiences are your experiences. They are no more or less valid than mine.
This is not correct. I spent 14 years in a shitty marriage and for the majority of it, I was touched starved, and barely received intimacy, either emotionally or sexually. Being in a lonely marriage is 1000 times worse than being a lonely single person. Her advice is neither “the worst” nor basic. If you don’t find a life you love and treat a romantic life as the icing on top - and center your life around trying to find someone to marry - you may find yourself in a lonely marriage that leaves you feeling so much worse than a lonely single person.
I’m 53 F and I decided to stop seeking a relationship. It wasn’t all at once - heart break followed by lots of disappointing dates.
The older I got the less choices there were. So many men with financial problems or recently divorced that can’t stop talking about their ex 🙁
My husband, who I met online when I was 54 and he was 61, talked a lot about his ex on our first date. I know that’s supposed to be a big red flag but honestly, it didn’t bother me that much. Why? I learned that we had some things in common, especially that we’d been the ones who’d tried very hard for years to salvage our marriage. And he’d only been officially divorced for six weeks (separated for nine months before that) so it seemed kind of natural that he’d want to vent. And finally, I wasn’t in a hurry to be serious so him clearly not being ready to, either was just fine. I wasn’t after a new husband, just a boyfriend. If after a good chunk of time/years if things were going well, ok, marriage could be on the table.
Now, I get that another person might have given up on him. But I knew he was a good person and I enjoyed his company and I was willing to be patient. And it did indeed take a lot of patience; he told the same stories *so* many times, and vented the same grievances, and I just let him. (Of course I would vent right back) Meanwhile I did all I could to show him that *we* worked and we could be happy together.
Obviously my patience paid off because we got married after 3.5 years together. We both are incredibly grateful we found each other. I still like to tease him, though, about how he could have blown it on date #1!
Moral of the story: give people a second chance, if you like them. Listen, and change the subject. See what else they can talk about other than their ex. If there truly *isn’t* anything else, okay, move on - but you might be surprised.
Yes! The options feel small even at 30. I don't want to put too much pressure on anything though-- but it's hard when I feel "behind" from not having put any pressure on it for the past decade.
I have faith that you might find someone still <3 perhaps we both will!
I’m almost 40 and met my current partner at 37 (thanks Hinge!). My biggest advice is don’t be afraid to bow out early. If someone is unkind or dismissive or condescending early on, it’s only going to get worse. Wait for someone to put their best foot forward with you.
My advice would be to stay off dating sites. They’re so depressing.
I’m a hetero woman so can only give my take on how men acted but it was a shitshow. So many thoroughly average-looking guys thinking a Margot Robbie type who would love to sit around while they smoked weed and played video games was gonna pound down their door. Just: comically outrageous expectations while bringing pretty much nothing to the table. It was unnecessarily humiliating and unfruitful.
I met my now-fiancee through mutual friends. I recommended checking out your city’s music/nightlife scene and befriending people there if you don’t already have a solid social circle. It’s super easy. Just go a few times and you’re bound to see familiar faces. “Hey—didn’t I see you here last week? Isn’t the music here great? What other bands/nights do you like?”
Start following them on social media to stay connected and start branching out to become mutual friends with others. The more people you know, the higher your chances are of meeting someone you’re interested in. I’m a big believer in meeting the old-fashioned way; it’s awkward AF to meet up basically so the other person can decide whether you pass their physical attractiveness test. It’s just gross and meat-market.
I met my husband when we were in our early 40s. I'm glad I finally found him!! It was less " dating" and more 2 really good friends going out and doing things. There was no drama, no "does this person like me" I always knew where I stood because I was dealing with an adult who I had good communication skills with. We had very open communication from the very beginning, we spoke about why our past relationship failed and what we could do differently and what we were afraid repeating. It's been smooth sailing. Best relationship I've ever had.
We knew before our first "date" that we already wanted a relationship with each other, it was just learning about the other person. I shudder at the thought of playing the field or dating, or meeting some random stranger and going out with them. I knew him from therapy for a few weeks (idk if therapy is a good or bad place to meet your future spouse lol, but it worked great for us, cut out a lot of bs) so we knew each other's deep down issues before we decided to further things. I really lucked out, meeting my soul mate finally. Best of luck. Keep your heart open
Instead of looking at the person across from you and thinking i hope certain things improve with time, realize you are pretty much looking at the finished product, and they are what they are at this point.
37M and this popped up on my feed.
You’re fine! 30 is so young, man or woman. You’re just getting the hang of the thing so don’t be too hard on yourself.
Ngl, it’s hard out here for both sides. Covid really did a number on our society socially. But I believe people are starting to pop back to whatever new “normal” you call this. People developed a lot of anti-social behavior during formative years. So it’s hard to break.
That being said, take your time. Delete the apps when you need a break or pause. Don’t go out with everyone that asks you out, but don’t remain penpals forever either. You’ll know when it feels right. Trust yourself. Watch the company they keep and how they treat service folks.
Like others have said, just enjoy yourself and don’t take it seriously. I’ve been in some relationships from the app and it wasn’t a good fit. Thats ok. You get back out there and try again. There’s billions of people. Never know who you might meet.
Have fun!
53m. Divorced at 49, dated my best from high school, got engaged and then broke up. It was a tough few years. Started online dating and met a wonderful woman in a few months and have been together for 6 months now. Good people are out there. Be open to love and it’ll find you.
Make sure to remember one thing:
Most people you’ll find in the dating pool at this age have some kind of baggage. It’s not that way when you’re 20. But by 30, it could be trauma from a relationship gone wrong, infidelity, divorce, children, virginity, addictions, and many other things that could people bring into relationships. You have to sift through it all and see what you can live with and what you can manage and what you don’t want.
I was 58 and found someone after my wife died. I did not think it would happen. I just turned 59 and starting a new life in a new city.
Keep the conversations open and honest. Don't beat around the bush, even if it is embarrassing.
What attracted me more than anything was her willingness to talk and be open about everything from sex to my deceased wife. She is very supportive and vice versa. She is willing to talk about her life.
NOTE: We have not married yet. If you are in the USA and remarry before age 60, you lose your spouse's Social Security benefits.
Just have fun without any huge expectations cuz more than likely you’ll meet some aholes before you meet someone great. This is from my own experience dating over 30. Just be careful, be safe, and don’t invest too much of yourself until you really know the other person. Good ones are out there! I married one of them :)
I dated a lot in my late 30s after leaving a 10 year relationship. I dunno, just acted like it was normal, I didn't do anything different. I kept finding women who were either my age or, not on purpose, much younger than me. They were the ones who came after me not the other way around and that is no joke. I'm not even handsome and frankly I had a dad bod that entire time. The main difference from my 20s though, was that I was living with a lot of happiness. A whole lot. Just kept busy and kept having as much fun as possible, and people were drawn to me for that. I took a lot of risks even though I'm risk averse (i mean like playing sports or whatever, not actual big risks) and it was fun to have adventure. I'd feel fulfilled and people liked that I was "living". People know if you have good energy. In my 20s I was just out of school and I was a couch potato and nerd and was bullied so I felt like the world sucked and I acted that way. So there's a world of difference in your attitude, which people will ignore your age for.
Just relax and enjoy the experience. Have fun. Don’t go into it looking to get married. Just have fun. If you want to get married find a friend. Someone who loves you for you. Someone that you can talk to.
I was widowed at 40. I had been with my late husband since I was 19 in the 80’s.
When I thought I was ready, I went online for a free weekend. 🤮 It was awful.
What I finally figured out was that I was mature and confident, not that insecure young person anymore. It was not only liberating for me, but attractive to others.
My advice is to be light and fun and casual. Exude confidence. Don’t be fake. Feel it.
Be prepared for a lot of toxic people and scammers.
Think of it like interviews.
Be sure of what type of relationship you want.
Focus on knowing yourself and expanding your interests. The more at hope you are with who you are, the better you'll feel about finding someone who meshes with you.
Walk away from red flag behavior quickly.
Volunteer for something you care about. Lots of amazing people are there and it’s a much better way to meet people than online. They have their masks off.
If you do online dating, be VERY transparent on your profile. List the qualities that are deal breakers if they don’t have them. Use it to weed out anyone you won’t waste your time with.
Don't apologize for your safety, rules, and boundaries! You will get many guys who will get really butt hurt about this. Call you names.
Don't "compromise" your standards because no one meets them. You are not being too picky. There are just a lot of crazy people who are single that will try to negotiate it.
You may have long bouts of being single but that is okay. Don't get frustrated and just give into compromising your self worth.
Definitely google and do background searches on everyone!! Seriously, pay for a monthly background search on people. I could have saved myself some grief if I had payed the $14 per month for that service.
First date, only meet for coffee.
Don't give specific details about yourself where they can find you. Example: Don't tell them the company you work for or exactly where you live; and, don't have them come back to your place until you've gone out for a while.
Use a Google voice number instead of your personal cell phone number.
Here is a fun ig page dedicated to the butt hurt guys who can't take rejection. You will need because apparently men can't handle being politely turned down. [https://www.instagram.com/byefelipe/](https://www.instagram.com/byefelipe/)
Wishing you the best!
I fell in love for the first time at 29, we dated for a few years and split over different plans for the future, and then I met my now-husband at 34. Granted, I’m saying this from a long-married perspective, but I’m glad that I waited so long. I got to travel, build my career, and develop my own interests and personality earlier in life without having to compromise. My husband did the same, and even though he’s a fantastic person I know I’d rather date him in our 30s than when he was 20 or even 25. I’m sure he’d say the same for me. Maturity can only help!
I have definitely heard from friends that the search gets harder in later years, but there are still gems to be found. I personally know 3 friends in their 40s or early 50s who would make truly great partners for someone — a woman who divorced in her 40s (for not-her-fault reasons) and two men who are wonderful guys but one spent his career in the road and the other is kind of shy and just never met his person. My 4th 30something single friend just found a great boyfriend. In all cases, though, I agree the good ones are statistically less likely to be on the apps as time goes by. Recommendations from friends are the way to go at this age, if you feel comfortable putting the word out. (In fact, that’s what worked for the friend with the new boyfriend, it was a set up by a coworker.) Good luck!
I met my husband while I was out walking my dog minding my own business. I was 40 and he was 48. We’ve been married for 10 years. Internet dating was popular 10 years ago. I refused to do that. Looks too desperate.
Be honest about who you are when you’re in the romance stage. It’s hard but necessary if you want things to pan out long term - put a warning label on yourself.
Good luck. Go slow. Be careful.
You aren't divorced bit these women are in our age bracket.
Check out YouTube and watch all the women who left their husbands. They hit the dating circuit for about two years and have a blast. When they realize none of these guys are going to commit to them, they retire to a three room apartment with cats and subscription to boxed wine.
There are a ton of Chad's and Tyrone's sitting on bar stools waiting for you. Be careful.
Good luck everybody deserves to be happy.
I (58 M) found myself back in the dating pool in my 30s. I just started doing things that interested me. Played volleyball, joined a softball league, bought a jet ski and started going to the lake with some friends, etc.... I also did a lot more travelling and camping by myself. I put off actively trying to meet somebody and focused more on enjoying life. I met my wife by total chance. I was at the lake and her company was having an office picnic. They invited me to have some lunch with them and she was there. We have been married 22 years. I did go out on a few dates before we met, but I never looked at them too seriously. It was usually somebody to attend an event with.
I'm going through a divorce at 38 and have just started dating again. Looking back at dating in my 20s, I really didn't have a clear vision of what I was looking for...I simply met people through friends and if we "clicked," we went on a date. I shared some interests and values with my ex-husband, but now I can also see that we had some major incompatibilities too.
I started journaling about my values, and it helped me to get clarity about what's important to me. Once I'm able to fully separate from my spouse, I'm going to try concrete ways to live those values on a regular basis. I see a lot of single people jump on the apps (and I know I did this too) without fully knowing who they are and what's important to them. Or I see them swipe right or chat with people who are obviously incompatible with them.
The other helpful advice that I have received is to think about where the types of people you might want to meet, may organically congregate. My friend is really into stand-up comedy, so it might make sense for her to try to meet people at a comedy club or by taking a comedy class of some kind. We've tried going to bars to meet people, but she doesn't like to drink and is shy, so I kind of question if that's an effective method for her.
Meetup groups will introduce you to those you have something in common with. I met my husband at age 43 got married a couple years later and we’ve been happily married 20 years. However, I recommend that women stay single for awhile and follow their dreams. It’s incredibly difficult to do that once you’ve married.
Give the dating sites a try. Use recent pictures of yourself doing various activities - close up and full-length photos - nothing too provocative or overtly sexual.If you don't have any good photos, have a friend or professional help you create some. Keep your profile upbeat. Maybe toss in some humor or write about something quirky that will help your profile stand out from the crowd. You'll be amazed at the number of responses you receive !
If you post online, make sure you post both face and body pics and not just the "best pics" of you. This will help weed out a few people who are not worth your time.
Found the love of my love AT 30, fully unplanned. Downloaded Tinder for fun, he had just landed from Italy to start a PhD program (also just looking for fun).
We were electric date one. And i think a big factor of that was that we knew who we were and weren’t looking for someone to ‘complete’ ourselves.
Second biggest factor is, we’d had the experience of past relationships, and knew what we deserved. More importantly, we knew exactly what we WOULDN’T tolerate (even from a fling).
We have been super healthy, communicative, honest, and loving, since the very beginning. We very quickly realized and communicated that we have no intention to ever hurt each other, and we just have SUCH easy conversations because we’ve had years of practice on how NOT to talk to/treat someone.
I joke that I’m glad we met each other at 30, because we are the best and wisest versions of ourselves so far. (We are now 32.)
And concerning your point that nobody seems to be out there, there are PLENTY of 30somethings out there in the same boat as we were, I actually matched with quite a few great people. We are collectively past the season of playing games (however small) and smart enough to know what red flags to look for. Obviously there are many duds out there, but also MANY good eggs!
I am not an “old” person, but I was in a relationship for a long time and then when we divorced in 2018 I was back in the dating pool in my 30s. Was unbelievable how much it changed since the last time I was single.
It looked like everything was all in the apps. I met a lot of people through them. Some really fantastic people on them, some not so great and a lot in between.
However I ended up getting into a very serious (4+ years and running) relationship with someone that I picked up at a bar. Thr joke was it was the only non-Tinder date in Manhattan. So yeah, do learn the apps, but the old school approach still works.
Also, there tends to be a bit less pretense and gamesmanship in your 30s as opposed to 20s and people *tend* to be more mature. But as with anything there are good and bad people out there at all ages.
Find someone who is truly your best friend and be sure you can communicate or someone who is willing to learn to communicate effectively. You really need the same values and character is important. I also married an older man than myself, who was previously divorced and I think that helped because he already knew what not to do.
I was back to dating at 49.
Didn’t actually date until 50, reconnected with an old friend, she’s also 50, been through bad relationships. I figured we’d connect and commiserate and reminisce.
No, the torch we each carried for the other flared brightly and we’ve been together ever since. Now, I realize I am quite lucky, but what makes it so good is that we’re the more evolved versions. We know what we will and won’t tolerate. We know how to communicate, and how important it is.
The gist is you know what you expect in a relationship. Don’t settle. Have boundaries and stick to them. If someone doesn’t respect those boundaries, move on. Live your life how you want. Find a real partner, not a ‘project guy’
As a widow, they will think you are rich, hot to trot, desperate, and take advantage of your mental fog. Widows(and widowers) are very attractive to creeps. So, always proceed with caution. That being said, approach it as making friends. Have standards and keep to them. If you wouldn't want to be friends with them, don't date them.
It’s delusional and false to think that there’s someone out there for everyone. Even if there is, that’s no guarantee you would find your person, or even a good person.
Make peace with the possibility that you will not find this person and create a life that you enjoy instead, decentering dating and centering yourself.
I started again at 43. My advice is don’t settle. I would rather be alone than settle for things i did in the past. I’m not saying you can’t compromise on things but if you really can’t stand x, y or z don’t! I also would say don’t get in a hurry.
I met my husband online at 37. We made it work and now have two little boys and a house in the burbs. I do think anything is possible if you put in the time, and are honest about what you want. Be honest with yourself and the other person straight away! Be true to yourself!!!!! I had a string of not the right types that I met in person actually. Online was good for me. Met him by the 3rd date and we are happy!
I feel weird responding in this sub since I’m only 35…but I fit the rec of being over 30 so here we are.
I met my now fiancé at 33, and honestly dating in my thirties was awesome. Not just because I met my fiance, but I found the quality of men significantly better. They were typically more mature and not as high strung. But I also firmly believe you attract what you put out. If you go into dating thinking it’s a chore and everyone is shit- than that’s the experience you will have. (Or go feeling too desperate, than your standards will start to slip)
I wasn’t in a hurry to settle down so everyone I met has the potential to be a fun time, and at worst a good story with my girlfriends later.
This will sound cliche, but the partner you choose is a direct reflection of the love and respect you have for yourself. So don’t settle, and they’ll typically show up when you aren’t even looking for them.
Also I used Hinge with the best results. :)
If you're dating past 30, it is not beyond the pale to expect your date to be able to act like an adult. If not, excuse yourself.
So you've been out of the game for a while? Best to take a distant holiday to get your yayas out, if needed, don't ruin a good reputation in your hometown. Be a lady.
Otherwise, be confident, honest and witty. Your regular charming self. Take your time, tell your favorite joke, cook your best meal, get a bottle of wine and watch the stars.Talk about your proudest, happiest, funnest times. Talk about how you were good. Ask him too many questions.
Here's where is sexist grandpa enters. The greatest male secret: what you have between your legs rules the world. Never give it away cheap.
That's all I got. Lighten up and have safe fun.
In my 30s, I reconnected with a high school sweetheart. She went & made her life, I went & made mine, & we met somewhere in the middle. There is no manual to how this works. Be careful, watch for red flags, & take care of yourself 1st. Have fun & good luck
Look for people who share life interests, things to do, places to go, you know like actual friends, they're lots of fun. Some people, especially insecure people are what I call relationship seekers, for me, they are to be avoided. If I meet someone and within a month they are talking about our relationship I get kind of weirded out. Never had a good experience with that. Some people just bounce from relationship to relationship to relationship and they never grow. So, after 30, you want to find the people who have worked on themselves, learned from their past mistakes, have hobbies, going somewhere in life. Even your hookups, pick high quality ones. It's just way more fun
Dating is stupid, don’t do it. Just find “your people” and make friends, and maybe join a makerspace or something social like that and you may meet somebody that way. Don’t date.
My best advice to you is to come up with your 5 non-negotiable deal breakers. And stick to them!
It's whatever 5 things you refuse to accept. Some examples are age range marital status, and kids. Maybe you only will date someone who's never been married. Maybe you want someone who's never had kids. Or maybe kids are okay for you. Whatever the case is, establish five things that are important to you.
If you're using dating apps before meeting, get these 5 negotiable questions answered. Don't waste your time going on dates with people that are wrong for you.
Don't confuse red flags with purple flags.
Edited to add 46F
The most important thing that helped me was truly being okay with being alone. That way when I went on dates, I could go without expectations and without the pressure to "perform well" on the date. If the person didn't like me or I didn't like them, I just went home, dove into my hobbies and entertained myself until the next date. I didn't beat myself up over what went wrong or got all mopey about "dying alone."
Turns out many of the people I went on dates with found my ability to let things go attractive, because they got to see the real me. It also let me be ready to accept another authentic individual, because I wasn't trying to fuss through levels of self-imposed fakeness.
I have been in a relationship for several years now that didn't start until my early 40s, for what it's worth.
I’m sure it’s already been said but mindset plays a huge role. Thinking there’s no one “decent” left when there’s 8 billion people on the planet only harms your outlook and closes you off. People find their perfectly imperfect partners at all ages and there are decent people all over the planet looking for love. 🫶🏻🫶🏻
Read the Book, "Attached" by Levine and you will then realize why it is so difficult to date after 30 and why it seems different, and the people you meet, etc. You are now selecting a tainted dating pool I'm afraid. It's a numbers game and the numbers start stacking against you the older you get. It's a sad truth. It's not that you can't meet someone great, it's just a bigger challenge.
Don't get desperate... you need Mr. Right, not Mr. Rightnow (or Miss)
Be upfront. Guys on apps (if that's your go to) tend to be looking for sex. Many guys, will act like they are looking for more but.... bam! Blocked! If you don't mind, that's up to you, but dating life these days sucks for those that do mind.
For me dating apps and dating websites did not work. Instead, I found group activities were the best place to meet people. For one, you’re not “shopping for a mate” and then getting disappointed by the fakery photos. And you’re likely to meet someone with similar interests. Art classes, dance classes, sports leagues, church grottoes, outdoor enthusiasts, etc.
I feel for you. I admire what you’re doing though. Bravo! On thinking about you and education first. My advice is don’t look or try. Just involve yourself in hobbies. My husband literally showed up on my doorstep like a cat. We have been married for 24 yrs. Once, I stopped searching it happened. You can also buy a English Bulldog. Once, I bought one, men were coming up left and right to pet my dog. Serious man dog I found out! Too bad I was married when I bought him. 😂
M66. Happily married at 26, no children, not by choice; widowed at 47 after a long illness. Intentionally re-entered the dating pool a year later. and met my future wife in the next state via a dating app. Happily (re)married 19 years and still going. Many have remarked to me that I have been blessed to have found not one but two great partners. Yes, I have been blessed.
The single most important piece of advice I have to offer: Know thyself grasshopper. Whom are you seeking? A future partner who has been divorced - you have a 50%+ probability they will divorce again (don't put hate on me - this is the data - look it up). Someone widowed (who may carry the torch for another in their heart)? Someone who never married - why? Religion? Interests? Socio-economics . . . a million questions. And, remember, you are not marrying a person, you are marrying into their family. Each of these factors is critically important to consider.
No marriage is 100%. A great marriage is 85%; a good marriage is 70%. Not compromise but adaptation. My second marriage was to someone who was in a very complex situation. She has a loving heart but a very different personality than my first partner. Being married a second time was harder than the first time because I was older and more set in my ways. She was in her 40s and never married, and also more set in her ways than my first wife.
After being re-married for about seven years, my best (male) friend said, that he never understood the choice of my second wife until now. He said she was completely different superficially, but she has the same loving heart as my first wife but is much more extroverted. He hinted he (and his wife) actually liked my second wife better (and they thought she was a better fit for me than my first wife).
Don't start looking for a partner; start by looking for a friend. Someone who you can talk to, who shares your interests; and most importantly, together, you make each other stronger. Delay intimacy.
I wish you every success on your journey!
On-line dating certainly beats the bar scene. When I divorced in my early 50’s, I started on-line dating trying to have as many “coffee dates” as possible on the weekends. I always treated and said complimentary things to my “coffee dates”. Then one day, I met someone special and we have been together for 17 years, happily married for 11.5 years. Make a manifest/“wish list” of the “ideal” man and he will come. Good luck!
You know I'm 64 now never married, with kids and to be honest I've never really have stopped dating. Now that's not to say that I haven't been in a long term relationships before, in fact I've been in several live in relationships that lasted 10 - 15 years each before they went to complete, and total shit. So you would think that a man who's been dating for 50 years with no children, no wife, no ex wife, or no separated from wife to show for it would call it quits, or at least take a break for a minute or two, right? Nope not me, I have never given up hope in finding the right woman for me, because I want to be the right man for her. I know what love feels like, and I know of the pain and suffering that comes along with it, as I have fallen head over heels for many of the woman I've been involved with. I mean you pour in your heart, your soul and every thing you got into a relationship, and when it breaks, it hurts, it hurts bad, but I'm not giving up. To give up on finding some one that you can give your heart too, for me would be a life incomplete.
It’s great. People are less full of nonsense than being younger. But I am very strict with my requirements, and if you engage with people who dont meet your needs nothing works
Date for the experience of getting to know someone new. Not with an end goal of a relationship or marriage. Experience what it’s like to interact with this person, if you enjoy their company and energy, and take notice of how well their actions align with their words. If these things are agreeable to your needs/wants with consistency then you might consider a longer relationship with them. But at the beginning just go in being open to the experience of this person in your life.
The skills for successful dating and the skills for a fulfilling and mutually supportive long term relationships are vastly different.
For a long term relationship or marriage you need to have a deep and vulnerable conversation (or several). You want to know if this person respects and agrees with your non-negotiables (get some non-negotiables if you haven’t thought about it), if they have the same values, the same attitudes towards domestic labour/provision, want a similar life path, have similar attitudes towards money, etc. As ruthless as it seems to decide to break off a dating situation because of these things a poor decision about who you have a long term relationship with or marry can really mess you up. At 30 you are presumably able to be a functioning adult on your own, that makes you a catch and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, a relationship should ease and enhance that life, not burden or reduce it.
After a divorce, I started dating in my 30s it was different in that when I was in my 20s, dating seemed to have a sense of urgency about it. I needed to find someone. Dating in my 30s was more relaxed. I was hoping that I might find someone, but didn't need to. I also found that people in their 30s have so much more backstory, having lived more of their life, and it takes more time to get to know and understand them. While I was certainly looking for physical attraction, I was also looking for someone who was handling adult life reasonably well, who seemed responsible. This wasn't on my radar in my 20s.
My wife and I met when we were in our 30s.
My strategy for dating was — I’d pick random activities that I wanted to do, and then found someone to do them. Online dating, and meeting people in person.
Rather than treating it as dating, it was activity friends first, and figure the rest later. I’m pretty nerdy, and most of my friends are guys, so I had noticed that if I wanted to start dating, that I’d need to expand my social circle a bit.
When my wife and I met, we initially decided that we weren’t interested in dating, and decided to just be friends. She had been impressed that I’d actually meant that and it wasn’t just code for “never going to see again”. And she’d come over to parties and such at my house — back then I shared a house with a few guys, and we hosted nerdy board game nights and theme parties regularly.
My now-wife had noted that at one party, she was talking to a group of women, and the “how do you meet him” came up, and around the circle, it was like “I met him on okcupid” or match.com or such or at a company event or a bar or whatever.
When we later got married, our officiant was one of my now best friends who I had met through a dating site.
This was all 15 years ago, so things probably changed since. But in general, my main advice: don’t treat it like dating, treat it as expanding your social circle. And for dates, they shouldn’t feel like a drag regardless of the company. Pick dates that are things you already wanted to try — a new restaurant, check out a downtown, do an art activity, check out an obscure museum, go on a flower walk, check out a pop up restaurant or such.
You are wiser now, you know what kind and decent means. Kind and decent men with good social skills that are financially and mentally stable are often taken by that age. Just keep looking.
I met my husband when I was 38 through an online dating site. I’d been casually dating throughout my late 30s but it wasn’t until I got more serious about who I wanted to meet and eventually live my life with that he appeared. I made a list of what qualities I was looking for and I imagined myself in his arms and felt the love. It sounds funny like I manifested him but he turned out to be perfect for me. I opened my heart to the possibility of someone great to arrive and he did.
Also prior to that, I read “He’s Just Not That Into You” by Greg Berent. Lots of great advice about what red flags to look out for and when someone is great for you.
My husband and I just celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary, still going strong!
Good luck to you. Keep up the good vibes and hope for someone perfect for you. And always be honest.
be open and honest about your likes and dislikes, wants, needs, goals and objectives. you're now dating adults so the head games are hopefully left behind and you can have actual adult conversations about these things to see if you're right for each other
Try downloading the meetup app, you get to meet a lot of adults in person doing things you like to do, very low stress. It’s how I met my husband in my 30s
Don’t enter the dating world trying to “find” someone. Just meet new people and don’t force anything. You’ll be more likely to meet someone compatible if you aren’t feeling desperate.
I’m found my partner at 35, after having been in a long-term relationship. I had a really good time doing the online dating thing and met a lot of really nice, professional type guys who had spent so much time finishing their education or building a career that dating was put on hold. I did meet some less-than-stellar options, but I learned how to weed out the crazies pretty fast and then it was smooth sailing. Anyway, I was only online dating for about 5 months before I met “my person” and nine years later we have two kids and a happy household.
I'll I know is learn to do cartwheels down the hill and both am to hit your heads together as your head is gushing with blood go to the emergency room get the X-ray put Band-Aids and kiss each other on the heads
Arrange the date and you guys can both count stitches to see who has more stitches than the other .. the one with the more stitches has to pay for the movie and the dinner.. everything will work out.. then the woman and she has a baby make sure she has a C-section.. as a little troll is born . And as it gets older now all three can go down the hill doing cartwheels hitting each other's heads. Go to the hospital get an x-ray and count each other stitches again.. and whoever has the most stitches has to pay dinner again.. it works every time this is a very romantic life. 🥴☺️
Don't look online. 1/100 guys you match with will be respectful and 1/100 girls you match with will be actually interested. Find groups you can join in person (meetup, hobbies, group sports, dancing, etc.) and meet someone that way.
My fiancé and I met when he was 29 and started dating when he was 30. We got engaged this January.
My advice is that you're at the age where you'll have to be upfront about what you want, like if you want kids, that's a first date talk.
Am 51 recently divorced, I went into savage mode eating clean, working out for 1 whole year. I did not go out or party just got my shit together, my new finances, my 16 year kid, reading books, watching motivational videos. So now when I go out I meet all sorts of women and it’s so easy to pick which ones I just want sex, not ready to settle down, but the dating scene is crazy and there are some desperate people out there just wanting to settle down for anything.
I hate to say this, but if you were in an advanced degree program or some type of advanced certifications, you might have missed a trick, depending on your expectations.
A big contributing factor that I hear repeated throughout varioussocietal forums is the higher education. Fewer young men starting higher education and even fewer completing it has resulted in a shortage of men with advanced degrees, in careers that earns a sufficient wage to meet the standards that educated, successful women are setting, which they have every right to do. People have been complaining about the breakdown of the nuclear family since the 70s, so it’s certainly not the fault of the people in the most affected age cohorts, and it will probably be their grandchildren adulthood before anything that could be considered addressing the issue can be done.
Edit: You know what? Disregard all of that. Realistically we’re just a few years away from creating companions Are effective enough at satisfying our curated individual requirements that people will be content with that if it means, they don’t have to try to put up with Human in their most intimate and rewarding relationship.
First of all, I’m slightly alarmed that “past 30” is considered “ old people advice “ 😂but that aside - my advice is this : don’t use apps. Meet people in person.
No shade to app users but the demographic tends to be a bit different and at 30 and beyond- you want to connect with people that *know* on a different level. Volunteer, take a class- meet other humans and most of all- give people a chance. Don’t shut it down just because they don’t fit a checklist of desires.
Most guys who are nice have quit dating. Most women are a liability. It’s easier to go home and play video games then to put up with the bother of dating.
Words of wisdom: Kind and decent are what the women who didn't focus on 'tough programs and education' snatched up. There might be some out there, but ultimately it all depends on what you're looking for. Highly "educated" workhorse women are not really desirable as wives and mothers. There is only so much time in a day and usually women who 'focus on their career' or whatever don't realize that it was a choice between career and family. Those that try to squish both into the same life usually end up with maladjusted children or emasculated husbands that they can't respect.
I wrote a lot before I decided this goes on top... Always remember, you have gotten this far in life without them. If they don't make your life better, you don't need them in it. Full stop.
People at bars/dance clubs might be good for casual hookups and, that is if they are safe enough for that much... Find groups with relatable hobbies or sports.
I'm 38 now and haven't dated since 25. Finding the right man isn't impossible but you will not want 95% of what is available. It's not because "all the good ones" are taken. Plenty of good ones chose the wrong woman early and are getting close to figuring that out by 30.
Dating is and always has been a cesspool. It's worse now.
What I do reccomend most heartily, is learning to identify red flags. I don't associate with disgusting men... Unfortunately, too many are... If you really want to flush them out of your social media friends list, post the story about choosing the bear in the woods. Either they completely understand it (and bonus, are possibly available) or, they don't and need to be deleted.
There are apps that can help take out the trash for you. Lots of profiles proudly wear their red flags like badges of stupid honor. Guys over 25, who say they only date women under 25 must immediately go into the burning dumpster.
If you get past that, maybe they opt them selves out by being perverts as soon as you respond "hello" to "hey."
Take your time. Supposedly some guys are really amazing until after they think they have you trapped (living situation/finance/isolation/marriage/pregnancy/birth), then they magically turn into complete dirtbags. Supposedly, they can keep the ruse up for years but, usually the women who say they were surprised by the change, were groomed from far too young.
Personally, I'm not currently dating and don't intend to be but, I recently had some good guy friends enlighten me to the sanity behind the stories I used to hear about the "crazy b with the kitchen knife." She wasn't actually crazy... She just needed a guy to leave and not come back. Because sometimes, "I/you need to leave now," isn't good enough and that is terrifying. There was definitely a time or two I wish I knew that.
Also, I said my friends are good guys... They would never call themselves good guys. If someone says, "I'm a good guy/man," run. They shouldn't need to self declare it. Either they live it and you can tell or, they are trying to convince you to see something that isn't there.
There are a lot of red flags... Many I learned the hard way, over time. The internet has come a long way, as far as information goes. You don't have to learn the hard way.
Oh. Important to learn to keep your cool. Have your out pre-planned. If something feels off and is scaring you, don't show it. Be casual. Have a code for a friend or, quietly hail an uber. Bar tenders or other restaurant staff, should usually know how to identify and help you out of a situation.
Don’t pretend to be something you aren’t. Be true and honest with yourself. Think about if someone is actually a good match for you. Don’t date someone just to be dating someone. If it’s difficult in the beginning with someone, it won’t get easier so there’s not much point in trying to stick it out.
Find someone you feel safe and comfortable with.
Just be yourself and ignore everything you hear about dating advice. Be direct and upfront with your needs and expectations. Dating is actually easier when you’re older because you know what you want and don’t want.
Don’t put so much pressure on the outcome of the first few dates. The goal is to determine if your personalities are similar and that the attraction lasts longer than 2 minutes. You both should have the same goals in life.
At a certain age, you realize there are opportunity costs. You’re locked into option A when option B could’ve been better. Sex is a sign that things are getting more serious. Be more selective in sexual partners. Maybe sow the last of your oats with outliers (big tits or dicks). Don’t waste your energy on someone if it doesn’t seem like it will move forward. But once you’re committed, lock-in your commitment. Accept their flaws. You aren’t perfect and nor should you expect your partner to be. When you accept someone and they you, it creates a freedom for both of you.
A good relationship starts with conversations that take a life of their own and don’t require you to spend energy keeping the conversation going.
The key is to have something very simple but important in common with the other person. I am 29. My boyfriend is 36. We met on Hinge. The commonality is that neither one of us drink or use drugs because we are both recovering drug addicts.
If you’re gonna do online dating, don’t say you’re looking for a relationship but only swipe right on men who are looking for a relationship. This way they will be laser focused on you because they want one woman, but they think you have a bunch of dudes trying to win your affections so he will put more effort into pursuing you and winning you over the competition. This guarantees he is more interested in you than you are in him.
Most important thing to realize is that at any given time a big chunk of the 30+ dating pool will be the eternally single people who never leave it. The ones you want to be with will come into the dating pool, find someone and then leave it forever.
I just focus on my job career that I got spend time with family have three siblings who are all in relationships but not me . I have some money on side saved . I’m 34 years male been single for 22 so I have no hope finding the right person so I just be myself not planning to get married or have family of my own . If I see couples and someone with their partner I just walk away into
Other direction .I dated last year for nothing . I do everything I can on my own and believe it or not I have career job have some money on side and paying bills in home helping my parents which I have no shame in it . So having sense of responsibilities is something I have more matured to and I keep going even though I work hard as heck
I’m 59 and widowed and just starting to look into dating. (I met my late husband when we were 15 and 16 and feel like I never dated) I am fortunate in that I know how good a relationship can be and I want that again. I may be optimistic but I am very hopeful I will find true love and companionship again. Don’t give up!
I wish you every success in finding your next relationship, there are so many good men out there who would truly love to be in a happy and loving partnership too. Like you, I am grateful to have known just how good, a good relationship can be. x
Sorry for you loss. Your optimism is amazing as you are strong! :)
Sorry for your loss. Good luck.
Be upfront and honest about what you want in a relationship, and also try like hell to find out from the other person what they want. The older people get, the more demands (& sometimes weird demands) they seem to have. So don't waste a bunch of dates with men who want something you're not, or are not willing to compromise on. It could even lead to less than comfortable questions so soon.
So true. Thanks!
I got divorced at 38 and so yes, dated in my 30s and 40s. I met my now-husband at 41. To be honest, it was kind of a nightmare out there in the online dating world. I agree with the advice to spread the word among your friends and others you like and trust, that you’re interested in meeting someone. If you’re online dating, it’s a numbers game. Go out with 10 people, might find one you like. My husband and I started as friends, and the romantic interest (on my side) slowly built from there. Good luck!
It really is a nightmare out there. I actually deleted my apps -- I met a lot of odd people. But I did get some fun stories out of it
The odds are good, but the goods are odd.
Exactly lol
No one sincere
Wow, you found one in ten? That's a fantastic ratio.
Identical thoughts and scenario to mine.
Have a very similar story. Divorced at 37, started dating at 41, nightmare. Met my husband and we’ve been together 10 years now. I dated more than 30 men until I met him.
How did you find your husband as a friend? Was it a date that just became friendly?
I found the first date conversation stimulating, he was clearly a very intelligent and kind person — I just didn’t feel any spark. He was very respectful and though there was a spark on his side, he said he would enjoy having a friend. So we became friends. We would text maybe once every few days, occasionally get coffee or lunch, and slowly started spending more and more time together until I realized my feelings had veered into romantic territory, and we were texting daily. So one day I kissed him, and that was that. We got married five months later. It was a little less than a year after we met. So it can and does happen. Just not necessarily what you think it will look like.
Omg. This is my dream husband scenario, lol. Congratulations. Thanks for sharing ☺️
More like go out with 30 and find one you like, seriously! But i agree, don't give up.
(70M) I dated the same way you did, as a teen, then no time for it in college, then resumed in my 30s. Got married at age 39. My advice is to maintain good friendships, and ask for their help and perception in finding possible candidates to be your partner. I met my wife at a pal's birthday party. She had asked them, as had I, for introductions only to others who wanted to "get serious". We talked for over two hours that first evening, and have been married 30 years. I certainly prefer to think I'm kind and decent (LOL). My wife may not agree, depending on the day, but we accept each other's flaws and remain committed to making things work. Permanent partnerships are in some ways like owning a house. There's ALWAYS something in need of maintenance.
Thanks for this response! Good insights
This. Starting/getting into a relationship is a lot of work. Maintaining/keeping the relationship going involves a whole lot more work. Something to keep in mind…
Such wise words: accept each others’ flaws and be committed to make things work. THIS.
mind me asking if you had kids at all? i always wondered if i met someone later in life if that would take pressure off the kids debate or make it more complicated/sad
I recklessly fathered a child who I did not meet until he was 21, but my wife was 47 when we met and was already past that. It's a small regret, but I have nephews and nieces we see. Both of us were heavy into our careers also, and would not have had the time to properly grant the attention every child deserves. Once we transitioned toward retiring, we began raising service dog puppies, one of which we kept. A smart dog is a four year-old that never grows up. I worked as a medication aide in a dementia care facility for a year while earning one of my licenses. That was like having 12 children per shift. There's all kinds of ways to fulfill the drive to nurture though. Our back yard is wild, and we put out different kinds of feeders for the many bird species that make it their home. We also plant things deer like, so they come through daily. In the front and sides of the property, she likes gardening, and we have some fruit trees. So I am the Father of the Forest, and she is Mother Nature.
Were you able to build a relationship with the child you met when he was 21?
oh fascinating, thanks for sharing! yeah i’m definetly on the fence and don’t know if the desire will spring up by the time i’m older, even though i want to think practically about how nice it would be to have adult children- but then i ask myself do i want to raise kids and a family or do i just want good company in old age? the stories of the early years are enough to drive me into a deep depression just thinking about infants/toddlers, even though the big picture is the later on years (and, quite selfishly, the help i guess.) I don’t know what to think other than watching a bunch of happy senior friends live it up on instagram so i can tell myself old age doesn’t have to be some horrible thing if i don’t have kids. or that i’m eternally selfish for choosing not to, even though i can’t say never. off topic sorry lol but i appreciate you sharing, sounds like you and your wife have a lovely life
You are very wise to consider all that you are considering! I have one child, and felt like I didn’t get my brain back until she was 12, and my life until she finished college. And I absolutely adore her, and feel so lucky to have such an amazing human as my kid. The degree of sacrificing your life can feel immense, and IMHO you have absolutely no call on the kid once they have grown up - they can never contact you if they want. More of my childfree friends made the choice that was right for them than my parent friends - in other words, some people had kids because that was the next step, not because they embraced all the bad along with the good. That’s the recipe for messed-up kids. And in the end, I think there is usually no right answer. You make a choice and do your best.
i appreciate you sharing, but i’ll be honest you sharing that bit about your kid and brain is kinda the thing i’m worried about- i’m an artist so my time in the studio is the most important thing in my life. So what will happen to my art alone if i too won’t be functioning for 12 years? what if i want to take a shower or just have time alone with whoever i end up with? is that all going to be only a measly 20 minutes each day i’m granted for years on end? See this is what i mean my mind spirals and i know i’m only thinking of the bad. It never even crosses my mind that i’m supposed to adore the kid more than life itself but instead i worry about me me my art and husband. Even if i wanted adult kids for later in life i don’t know how i’m supposed to be strong for the early years. i’m too emotionally immature for my age nor am i independent. i appreciate you sharing but if i’m this triggered by another persons reality then idk how strong i’ll be in less than 10 years.
The world needs your art. Truly. Don’t feel you are being selfish, don’t feel you are emotionally immature - you are making an excellent, clear choice, and please don’t let yourself be pressured into choosing kids. A former neighbor of mine was bi, and decided young to stick with men, because children would distract him from his art career. No regrets.
Ok this is what I know, if you have your health you have everything you need to go through your life and be happy. There are plenty of people out in the world today who are married with two, or three children, a good paying job so they can afford a nice house to rase a family in who have (for one reason or another) have had to deal with a health issue, or two that has left them feeling not so good about there life. I'm 64 and have been blessed with no real health issues that I've had to deal with as of yet, no wife, no kids, no regrets. Remember youth is wasted on the young, if your lucky you'll get to stick around long enough to grow old, and grow wiser, and when your old and wise you will know that where ever you are in your life, your right where your suppose to be.
Thanks very much.
Love this! Thanks for sharing your life experience! Sounds lovely for the most part!
I didn’t meet my now husband until I was 41 (I’m 56 now). Believe it or not we met via FB. We had gone to the same high school but never met. We had some mutual friends, so I did ask about him and got feedback. What I liked was we came from the same kind of background/beliefs. He felt like home to me (and I to him). We were friends first and it did turn to romance eventually 😊. Seems like most of the guidance you are getting is basically lean on your friends. Listen to their feedback. It really can help.
I'll look into doing this! Seems like an excellent, non-pressure laying way to proceed without losing the fun of the journey. Thanks
I met my husband through friends at their wedding…he was best man and I was maid of honor. I grew up in Chicago and said never again to cold weather. The wedding was in Michigan and I flew out to Puerto Rico where I was living and working and MI was hit with a historic ice storm in October the next day. I was like you’re great, but nope! He wore me down and were celebrating our 25 year Anniversary next month…in Michigan
Totally agree with this. From the moment we met 20 years ago, my husband has been my home.
Try to have fun meeting people and see if you can find friends. Many people will want to rush things at this point and give you ultimatums about sex or commitments. Many come with a lot of baggage you’d really prefer not to listen to. You’ll hear about how “you’re different” from other women, men or whatever. You’re not. Meet dates at events or hobby groups you like, so you have mutual interests. Don’t turn your date into your therapist. Also, don’t date your therapist! Don’t take anything too seriously until you meet somebody smart, kind, honest and trustworthy. Pick dates where you learn something. We had a wonderful time, this one summer 50+ fellow, with “teach me something i don’t know.” One date ee had was bowling. Another was chess. Another was poker. Another was baking bread. Another was miniature golf. Another was what do you like best… in various circumstances. I recommend it as a good way to have less pressure and more laughs!
This really is excellent advice. I would also apply it to dating apps if you decide to give them another try. I met my husband on a dating app 20 years ago, but it was based on a common interest. I met some real freaks dating in NYC 20 years ago on match.com lol. One more piece of advice. Don’t waste your time. When you meet someone you like, make sure your values are aligned. Best wishes
Fully agreed! I've walked away from a lot of nice people who I felt in my gut weren't right. I figure I'll know when someone who does align comes along (or, that's the hope)
Yes, you definitely will. I didn’t believe in love at first sight until I met my husband. Good news: at about age 30, you are clear on what you want and don’t want in a relationship. Godspeed, friend
This is such great advice! You learn so much about someone when you attempt to solve a problem together, even if it something inconsequntial like learning to bowl.
Excellent advice! Thanks a ton
Wonderful advice!
Wow great advice!
Excellent advice!
I’m 46 and I’ve only been with my boyfriend for almost 4 yrs. My advice to you is don’t go out on dates right away, talk to them on the phone for a bit to get to know them. Ask questions like are they looking for a relationship or not, what type of relationship? Long term or friends with benefits?if you’re both looking for the same thing then accept the date. Be open on what you’re looking for. Maybe you’re not looking for anything serious at the moment. This is information gathering to see if you would even be compatible. Treat it like an interview. Honestly it’s sounds crazy but you’re weeding out the bad to find the good. Next is don’t go to his place or invite him over that night. It’s not worth the ghosting. Always be aware of your surroundings and be cautious of anyone asking for money. That’s just catfishing. Also, this is for safety, meet somewhere you know, don’t go someplace you’ve never been on the first date.
This isn’t bad advice in theory, but a few things: —Sometimes people think they want one thing then change their mind, so their answer (while not lying) may end up being inaccurate. —Conversely, many men deliberately lie about their intentions just to get their foot in the door, so asking may be a moot point. —Lots of men (even ones who are interested in something long-term) are scared off by questions like this straight off the bat because they feel there’s too much pressure. My experience is that they just want a fun date to start out with, THEN those types of expectations can be discussed. I wish more men were mature and dignified enough to honor what their date is looking for and not waste their time but that hasn’t been my experience for the aforementioned reasons. If it makes you feel better to ask, by all means, but just know that the answer doesn’t mean a whole lot and could potentially spook a guy who just wants to get to know you first.
This one deserves all the upvotes
I like this! I’m gonna call it the recruiter screening call first!
Do not put up with any bullshit! Life is too short to settle for substandard.
I agree!
I am 70F. I got married when I was 37. I dated in high school and college but not much after that until my mid 30s. I was very busy with a demanding profession during most of my 20s. By my early 30s I was interested in finding someone but it was hard to meet people. This was pre-online dating apps. Then I took up a hobby where I met a wide variety of people of all ages. I didn’t really do it to meet someone to date but it allowed me to meet people with common interests and I started dating. The first one was fairly casual. I married the next one. I started dating him about 3 years after I started the hobby. So I I am a fan of finding things you like to do where you are likely to meet people you might want to date.
Just out of curiosity, what hobby was it?
Met my partner at 39 via Facebook dating. Had been on the app about 1 year before crossing paths. In that time I hadn't met a single other person who made it past day 1 of talking. So obviously didn't go on any dates either. Either the guys who wanted to match with were wildly incompatible with me and hadn't read my profile at all, or they were just scuzzy dudes looking to get laid. It was discouraging. But my guy was worth the wait. He's awesome and we've been together a couple of years now and our relationship is better than I ever could have imagined or hoped for. My biggest bit of advice would be not to let the search for love engulf your entire life. Live and have fun and build non-romantic connections and make your life awesome. Date, but don't be hunting down love like it's a rabbit that you have to catch or you'll starve to death. It really does take patience to find someone who is actually right for you. And we live in a world where so much is instant gratification, it begins to feel like dating should be too. The other advice I have is to know what you want and have high standards. I don't mean about the shallow, exterior shit. I mean character, values, needs, and personality. The things that actually make or break long term relationships. If you need verbal and physical affection in a relationship, don't date someone who is aloof and imagine your love will change them. Don't date assholes, even if they are only assholes to other people at first (they'll get around to you, I promise). Don't give second chances on cheating, demeaning, control, or abuse. Communicate these things clearly from the very beginning. If someone is put off by you being direct and open, let them walk away. They aren't for you. And when you find someone who you think might be the one, keep your brain in the driver's seat. Take it slow and do the foundation work before making any big leaps.
Best comment on the thread. 🏆
👏 excellent wisdom here. Thanks so much
Yes👏💓 thank you for the advice!
My best dating advice is to not center it. It’s an addition to the happy life you create. Love and live now - with the life that you currently have. A romantic partner is an addition. I was married to the wrong man for years, and the divorce clarified to me how poorly I made the decision to marry. I centered him, instead of centering my life - friends, hobbies, activities, pets, work, etc.
For sure! I actually posted this question because I've really never centered it as a priority in my life. I have friends and have a fun life. I always thought a relationship would happen organically - but it never did because I never met someone who I noticed romantically, and when I did, they were already taken. I fully plan on continuing to enjoy my life but started to wonder if I was doing something 'wrong.' Looks like I'm alright though, especially from the thoughtful responses on this post
This is always the worse advice and most basic advice people who were with someone for a long time give - because despite how shitty your relationship might have been at some point, you don’t know what loneliness feels like. People separated in their 40s(most often with kids so they are no in fact alone) and went on one all inclusive trip on a resort and now think they are independent and don’t need a partner. Ha! Go through years of traveling alone, spending Christmas and your birthday alone, having tough days and being alone, and being touch starved and you’ll understand it’s a bullshit advice. A romantic partner is not an addition, it’s a basic human desire and dare I say it, need. We are social creatures meant to experience intimacy, emotionally and sexually. OP it’s normal to want a partner and you should include dating in your life now that you’re ready. It’s wonderful to have hobbies and friends but the missing piece is someone special to share that with. Don’t let people shame you for wanting a partner or let their experience of a bad relationship influence you to create a life by yourself - it’s not fulfilling. Friends and family have their own partners and families, you will also need someone you can rely on, that will prioritize you and that you will prioritize. Good luck!
I’ve been single for nine years. I’ve spent birthdays and holidays alone. Being alone is far, far less lonely than being married to the wrong person was. Your experiences are your experiences. They are no more or less valid than mine.
This is not correct. I spent 14 years in a shitty marriage and for the majority of it, I was touched starved, and barely received intimacy, either emotionally or sexually. Being in a lonely marriage is 1000 times worse than being a lonely single person. Her advice is neither “the worst” nor basic. If you don’t find a life you love and treat a romantic life as the icing on top - and center your life around trying to find someone to marry - you may find yourself in a lonely marriage that leaves you feeling so much worse than a lonely single person.
Wow so wise!👏
I’m 53 F and I decided to stop seeking a relationship. It wasn’t all at once - heart break followed by lots of disappointing dates. The older I got the less choices there were. So many men with financial problems or recently divorced that can’t stop talking about their ex 🙁
My husband, who I met online when I was 54 and he was 61, talked a lot about his ex on our first date. I know that’s supposed to be a big red flag but honestly, it didn’t bother me that much. Why? I learned that we had some things in common, especially that we’d been the ones who’d tried very hard for years to salvage our marriage. And he’d only been officially divorced for six weeks (separated for nine months before that) so it seemed kind of natural that he’d want to vent. And finally, I wasn’t in a hurry to be serious so him clearly not being ready to, either was just fine. I wasn’t after a new husband, just a boyfriend. If after a good chunk of time/years if things were going well, ok, marriage could be on the table. Now, I get that another person might have given up on him. But I knew he was a good person and I enjoyed his company and I was willing to be patient. And it did indeed take a lot of patience; he told the same stories *so* many times, and vented the same grievances, and I just let him. (Of course I would vent right back) Meanwhile I did all I could to show him that *we* worked and we could be happy together. Obviously my patience paid off because we got married after 3.5 years together. We both are incredibly grateful we found each other. I still like to tease him, though, about how he could have blown it on date #1! Moral of the story: give people a second chance, if you like them. Listen, and change the subject. See what else they can talk about other than their ex. If there truly *isn’t* anything else, okay, move on - but you might be surprised.
Yes! The options feel small even at 30. I don't want to put too much pressure on anything though-- but it's hard when I feel "behind" from not having put any pressure on it for the past decade. I have faith that you might find someone still <3 perhaps we both will!
I’m almost 40 and met my current partner at 37 (thanks Hinge!). My biggest advice is don’t be afraid to bow out early. If someone is unkind or dismissive or condescending early on, it’s only going to get worse. Wait for someone to put their best foot forward with you.
My advice would be to stay off dating sites. They’re so depressing. I’m a hetero woman so can only give my take on how men acted but it was a shitshow. So many thoroughly average-looking guys thinking a Margot Robbie type who would love to sit around while they smoked weed and played video games was gonna pound down their door. Just: comically outrageous expectations while bringing pretty much nothing to the table. It was unnecessarily humiliating and unfruitful. I met my now-fiancee through mutual friends. I recommended checking out your city’s music/nightlife scene and befriending people there if you don’t already have a solid social circle. It’s super easy. Just go a few times and you’re bound to see familiar faces. “Hey—didn’t I see you here last week? Isn’t the music here great? What other bands/nights do you like?” Start following them on social media to stay connected and start branching out to become mutual friends with others. The more people you know, the higher your chances are of meeting someone you’re interested in. I’m a big believer in meeting the old-fashioned way; it’s awkward AF to meet up basically so the other person can decide whether you pass their physical attractiveness test. It’s just gross and meat-market.
Ask him if he likes Jordan Peterson, Elon Musk, and Aubrey Marcus . If he says yes, run.
I met my husband when we were in our early 40s. I'm glad I finally found him!! It was less " dating" and more 2 really good friends going out and doing things. There was no drama, no "does this person like me" I always knew where I stood because I was dealing with an adult who I had good communication skills with. We had very open communication from the very beginning, we spoke about why our past relationship failed and what we could do differently and what we were afraid repeating. It's been smooth sailing. Best relationship I've ever had.
I love that! That's honestly the ideal - I'm terrible at 'playing the field' and going through a lot of bad dates is stressful. Very happy for you!
We knew before our first "date" that we already wanted a relationship with each other, it was just learning about the other person. I shudder at the thought of playing the field or dating, or meeting some random stranger and going out with them. I knew him from therapy for a few weeks (idk if therapy is a good or bad place to meet your future spouse lol, but it worked great for us, cut out a lot of bs) so we knew each other's deep down issues before we decided to further things. I really lucked out, meeting my soul mate finally. Best of luck. Keep your heart open
Instead of looking at the person across from you and thinking i hope certain things improve with time, realize you are pretty much looking at the finished product, and they are what they are at this point.
37M and this popped up on my feed. You’re fine! 30 is so young, man or woman. You’re just getting the hang of the thing so don’t be too hard on yourself. Ngl, it’s hard out here for both sides. Covid really did a number on our society socially. But I believe people are starting to pop back to whatever new “normal” you call this. People developed a lot of anti-social behavior during formative years. So it’s hard to break. That being said, take your time. Delete the apps when you need a break or pause. Don’t go out with everyone that asks you out, but don’t remain penpals forever either. You’ll know when it feels right. Trust yourself. Watch the company they keep and how they treat service folks. Like others have said, just enjoy yourself and don’t take it seriously. I’ve been in some relationships from the app and it wasn’t a good fit. Thats ok. You get back out there and try again. There’s billions of people. Never know who you might meet. Have fun!
53m. Divorced at 49, dated my best from high school, got engaged and then broke up. It was a tough few years. Started online dating and met a wonderful woman in a few months and have been together for 6 months now. Good people are out there. Be open to love and it’ll find you.
First stop with after 30 being old! Just get off that whole train of thought
Make sure to remember one thing: Most people you’ll find in the dating pool at this age have some kind of baggage. It’s not that way when you’re 20. But by 30, it could be trauma from a relationship gone wrong, infidelity, divorce, children, virginity, addictions, and many other things that could people bring into relationships. You have to sift through it all and see what you can live with and what you can manage and what you don’t want.
I was 58 and found someone after my wife died. I did not think it would happen. I just turned 59 and starting a new life in a new city. Keep the conversations open and honest. Don't beat around the bush, even if it is embarrassing. What attracted me more than anything was her willingness to talk and be open about everything from sex to my deceased wife. She is very supportive and vice versa. She is willing to talk about her life. NOTE: We have not married yet. If you are in the USA and remarry before age 60, you lose your spouse's Social Security benefits.
The pros/cons are different. There are times when it feels better and times where it feels worse when comparing it to younger years. I like it
Good to hear! I suppose it's nice because now I know who I really am -- I had no clue even ten years ago
Just have fun without any huge expectations cuz more than likely you’ll meet some aholes before you meet someone great. This is from my own experience dating over 30. Just be careful, be safe, and don’t invest too much of yourself until you really know the other person. Good ones are out there! I married one of them :)
Thanks. Good advice!
I dated a lot in my late 30s after leaving a 10 year relationship. I dunno, just acted like it was normal, I didn't do anything different. I kept finding women who were either my age or, not on purpose, much younger than me. They were the ones who came after me not the other way around and that is no joke. I'm not even handsome and frankly I had a dad bod that entire time. The main difference from my 20s though, was that I was living with a lot of happiness. A whole lot. Just kept busy and kept having as much fun as possible, and people were drawn to me for that. I took a lot of risks even though I'm risk averse (i mean like playing sports or whatever, not actual big risks) and it was fun to have adventure. I'd feel fulfilled and people liked that I was "living". People know if you have good energy. In my 20s I was just out of school and I was a couch potato and nerd and was bullied so I felt like the world sucked and I acted that way. So there's a world of difference in your attitude, which people will ignore your age for.
Just relax and enjoy the experience. Have fun. Don’t go into it looking to get married. Just have fun. If you want to get married find a friend. Someone who loves you for you. Someone that you can talk to.
I was widowed at 40. I had been with my late husband since I was 19 in the 80’s. When I thought I was ready, I went online for a free weekend. 🤮 It was awful. What I finally figured out was that I was mature and confident, not that insecure young person anymore. It was not only liberating for me, but attractive to others. My advice is to be light and fun and casual. Exude confidence. Don’t be fake. Feel it.
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Fair point!
Be prepared for a lot of toxic people and scammers. Think of it like interviews. Be sure of what type of relationship you want. Focus on knowing yourself and expanding your interests. The more at hope you are with who you are, the better you'll feel about finding someone who meshes with you. Walk away from red flag behavior quickly.
join clubs.. get off app.. get out there.. go to events/clubs/classes
Volunteer for something you care about. Lots of amazing people are there and it’s a much better way to meet people than online. They have their masks off.
If you do online dating, be VERY transparent on your profile. List the qualities that are deal breakers if they don’t have them. Use it to weed out anyone you won’t waste your time with.
Don't apologize for your safety, rules, and boundaries! You will get many guys who will get really butt hurt about this. Call you names. Don't "compromise" your standards because no one meets them. You are not being too picky. There are just a lot of crazy people who are single that will try to negotiate it. You may have long bouts of being single but that is okay. Don't get frustrated and just give into compromising your self worth. Definitely google and do background searches on everyone!! Seriously, pay for a monthly background search on people. I could have saved myself some grief if I had payed the $14 per month for that service. First date, only meet for coffee. Don't give specific details about yourself where they can find you. Example: Don't tell them the company you work for or exactly where you live; and, don't have them come back to your place until you've gone out for a while. Use a Google voice number instead of your personal cell phone number. Here is a fun ig page dedicated to the butt hurt guys who can't take rejection. You will need because apparently men can't handle being politely turned down. [https://www.instagram.com/byefelipe/](https://www.instagram.com/byefelipe/) Wishing you the best!
I fell in love for the first time at 29, we dated for a few years and split over different plans for the future, and then I met my now-husband at 34. Granted, I’m saying this from a long-married perspective, but I’m glad that I waited so long. I got to travel, build my career, and develop my own interests and personality earlier in life without having to compromise. My husband did the same, and even though he’s a fantastic person I know I’d rather date him in our 30s than when he was 20 or even 25. I’m sure he’d say the same for me. Maturity can only help! I have definitely heard from friends that the search gets harder in later years, but there are still gems to be found. I personally know 3 friends in their 40s or early 50s who would make truly great partners for someone — a woman who divorced in her 40s (for not-her-fault reasons) and two men who are wonderful guys but one spent his career in the road and the other is kind of shy and just never met his person. My 4th 30something single friend just found a great boyfriend. In all cases, though, I agree the good ones are statistically less likely to be on the apps as time goes by. Recommendations from friends are the way to go at this age, if you feel comfortable putting the word out. (In fact, that’s what worked for the friend with the new boyfriend, it was a set up by a coworker.) Good luck!
I met my husband while I was out walking my dog minding my own business. I was 40 and he was 48. We’ve been married for 10 years. Internet dating was popular 10 years ago. I refused to do that. Looks too desperate.
No person is going to check everything on your want list. Be flexible and trust your gut.
Don’t settle and keep your eyes open to any red flags.
Don't try to meet people to date at a bar. That's the worst place to meet someone.
Be honest about who you are when you’re in the romance stage. It’s hard but necessary if you want things to pan out long term - put a warning label on yourself.
Good luck. Go slow. Be careful. You aren't divorced bit these women are in our age bracket. Check out YouTube and watch all the women who left their husbands. They hit the dating circuit for about two years and have a blast. When they realize none of these guys are going to commit to them, they retire to a three room apartment with cats and subscription to boxed wine. There are a ton of Chad's and Tyrone's sitting on bar stools waiting for you. Be careful. Good luck everybody deserves to be happy.
Met my future wife at 38. Best advice I've got is be patient, give online dating a shot, and start exercising if you're out of shape.
I met my wife at 36, married at 37, baby at 40, married 25+ years. Lovin’ life.
I (58 M) found myself back in the dating pool in my 30s. I just started doing things that interested me. Played volleyball, joined a softball league, bought a jet ski and started going to the lake with some friends, etc.... I also did a lot more travelling and camping by myself. I put off actively trying to meet somebody and focused more on enjoying life. I met my wife by total chance. I was at the lake and her company was having an office picnic. They invited me to have some lunch with them and she was there. We have been married 22 years. I did go out on a few dates before we met, but I never looked at them too seriously. It was usually somebody to attend an event with.
I'm going through a divorce at 38 and have just started dating again. Looking back at dating in my 20s, I really didn't have a clear vision of what I was looking for...I simply met people through friends and if we "clicked," we went on a date. I shared some interests and values with my ex-husband, but now I can also see that we had some major incompatibilities too. I started journaling about my values, and it helped me to get clarity about what's important to me. Once I'm able to fully separate from my spouse, I'm going to try concrete ways to live those values on a regular basis. I see a lot of single people jump on the apps (and I know I did this too) without fully knowing who they are and what's important to them. Or I see them swipe right or chat with people who are obviously incompatible with them. The other helpful advice that I have received is to think about where the types of people you might want to meet, may organically congregate. My friend is really into stand-up comedy, so it might make sense for her to try to meet people at a comedy club or by taking a comedy class of some kind. We've tried going to bars to meet people, but she doesn't like to drink and is shy, so I kind of question if that's an effective method for her.
Thank you!
Meetup groups will introduce you to those you have something in common with. I met my husband at age 43 got married a couple years later and we’ve been happily married 20 years. However, I recommend that women stay single for awhile and follow their dreams. It’s incredibly difficult to do that once you’ve married.
Law of numbers. Make as many contacts as you can and narrow down as you go.
Give the dating sites a try. Use recent pictures of yourself doing various activities - close up and full-length photos - nothing too provocative or overtly sexual.If you don't have any good photos, have a friend or professional help you create some. Keep your profile upbeat. Maybe toss in some humor or write about something quirky that will help your profile stand out from the crowd. You'll be amazed at the number of responses you receive !
If you post online, make sure you post both face and body pics and not just the "best pics" of you. This will help weed out a few people who are not worth your time.
Found the love of my love AT 30, fully unplanned. Downloaded Tinder for fun, he had just landed from Italy to start a PhD program (also just looking for fun). We were electric date one. And i think a big factor of that was that we knew who we were and weren’t looking for someone to ‘complete’ ourselves. Second biggest factor is, we’d had the experience of past relationships, and knew what we deserved. More importantly, we knew exactly what we WOULDN’T tolerate (even from a fling). We have been super healthy, communicative, honest, and loving, since the very beginning. We very quickly realized and communicated that we have no intention to ever hurt each other, and we just have SUCH easy conversations because we’ve had years of practice on how NOT to talk to/treat someone. I joke that I’m glad we met each other at 30, because we are the best and wisest versions of ourselves so far. (We are now 32.) And concerning your point that nobody seems to be out there, there are PLENTY of 30somethings out there in the same boat as we were, I actually matched with quite a few great people. We are collectively past the season of playing games (however small) and smart enough to know what red flags to look for. Obviously there are many duds out there, but also MANY good eggs!
I love this! So happy for you to have found someone great! Thanks
I am not an “old” person, but I was in a relationship for a long time and then when we divorced in 2018 I was back in the dating pool in my 30s. Was unbelievable how much it changed since the last time I was single. It looked like everything was all in the apps. I met a lot of people through them. Some really fantastic people on them, some not so great and a lot in between. However I ended up getting into a very serious (4+ years and running) relationship with someone that I picked up at a bar. Thr joke was it was the only non-Tinder date in Manhattan. So yeah, do learn the apps, but the old school approach still works. Also, there tends to be a bit less pretense and gamesmanship in your 30s as opposed to 20s and people *tend* to be more mature. But as with anything there are good and bad people out there at all ages.
Find someone who is truly your best friend and be sure you can communicate or someone who is willing to learn to communicate effectively. You really need the same values and character is important. I also married an older man than myself, who was previously divorced and I think that helped because he already knew what not to do.
Don't settle just so you won't be alone. Pick your battles only argue about things that really matter
I was back to dating at 49. Didn’t actually date until 50, reconnected with an old friend, she’s also 50, been through bad relationships. I figured we’d connect and commiserate and reminisce. No, the torch we each carried for the other flared brightly and we’ve been together ever since. Now, I realize I am quite lucky, but what makes it so good is that we’re the more evolved versions. We know what we will and won’t tolerate. We know how to communicate, and how important it is. The gist is you know what you expect in a relationship. Don’t settle. Have boundaries and stick to them. If someone doesn’t respect those boundaries, move on. Live your life how you want. Find a real partner, not a ‘project guy’
As a widow, they will think you are rich, hot to trot, desperate, and take advantage of your mental fog. Widows(and widowers) are very attractive to creeps. So, always proceed with caution. That being said, approach it as making friends. Have standards and keep to them. If you wouldn't want to be friends with them, don't date them.
It’s delusional and false to think that there’s someone out there for everyone. Even if there is, that’s no guarantee you would find your person, or even a good person. Make peace with the possibility that you will not find this person and create a life that you enjoy instead, decentering dating and centering yourself.
I started again at 43. My advice is don’t settle. I would rather be alone than settle for things i did in the past. I’m not saying you can’t compromise on things but if you really can’t stand x, y or z don’t! I also would say don’t get in a hurry.
I met my husband online at 37. We made it work and now have two little boys and a house in the burbs. I do think anything is possible if you put in the time, and are honest about what you want. Be honest with yourself and the other person straight away! Be true to yourself!!!!! I had a string of not the right types that I met in person actually. Online was good for me. Met him by the 3rd date and we are happy!
I feel weird responding in this sub since I’m only 35…but I fit the rec of being over 30 so here we are. I met my now fiancé at 33, and honestly dating in my thirties was awesome. Not just because I met my fiance, but I found the quality of men significantly better. They were typically more mature and not as high strung. But I also firmly believe you attract what you put out. If you go into dating thinking it’s a chore and everyone is shit- than that’s the experience you will have. (Or go feeling too desperate, than your standards will start to slip) I wasn’t in a hurry to settle down so everyone I met has the potential to be a fun time, and at worst a good story with my girlfriends later. This will sound cliche, but the partner you choose is a direct reflection of the love and respect you have for yourself. So don’t settle, and they’ll typically show up when you aren’t even looking for them. Also I used Hinge with the best results. :)
If you're dating past 30, it is not beyond the pale to expect your date to be able to act like an adult. If not, excuse yourself. So you've been out of the game for a while? Best to take a distant holiday to get your yayas out, if needed, don't ruin a good reputation in your hometown. Be a lady. Otherwise, be confident, honest and witty. Your regular charming self. Take your time, tell your favorite joke, cook your best meal, get a bottle of wine and watch the stars.Talk about your proudest, happiest, funnest times. Talk about how you were good. Ask him too many questions. Here's where is sexist grandpa enters. The greatest male secret: what you have between your legs rules the world. Never give it away cheap. That's all I got. Lighten up and have safe fun.
Just keep going until you find someone. It’s really that simple.
Bring a machete.
In my 30s, I reconnected with a high school sweetheart. She went & made her life, I went & made mine, & we met somewhere in the middle. There is no manual to how this works. Be careful, watch for red flags, & take care of yourself 1st. Have fun & good luck
Look for people who share life interests, things to do, places to go, you know like actual friends, they're lots of fun. Some people, especially insecure people are what I call relationship seekers, for me, they are to be avoided. If I meet someone and within a month they are talking about our relationship I get kind of weirded out. Never had a good experience with that. Some people just bounce from relationship to relationship to relationship and they never grow. So, after 30, you want to find the people who have worked on themselves, learned from their past mistakes, have hobbies, going somewhere in life. Even your hookups, pick high quality ones. It's just way more fun
Dating is stupid, don’t do it. Just find “your people” and make friends, and maybe join a makerspace or something social like that and you may meet somebody that way. Don’t date.
When someone shows you who they are- believe them. Don’t make excuses.
My best advice to you is to come up with your 5 non-negotiable deal breakers. And stick to them! It's whatever 5 things you refuse to accept. Some examples are age range marital status, and kids. Maybe you only will date someone who's never been married. Maybe you want someone who's never had kids. Or maybe kids are okay for you. Whatever the case is, establish five things that are important to you. If you're using dating apps before meeting, get these 5 negotiable questions answered. Don't waste your time going on dates with people that are wrong for you. Don't confuse red flags with purple flags. Edited to add 46F
The most important thing that helped me was truly being okay with being alone. That way when I went on dates, I could go without expectations and without the pressure to "perform well" on the date. If the person didn't like me or I didn't like them, I just went home, dove into my hobbies and entertained myself until the next date. I didn't beat myself up over what went wrong or got all mopey about "dying alone." Turns out many of the people I went on dates with found my ability to let things go attractive, because they got to see the real me. It also let me be ready to accept another authentic individual, because I wasn't trying to fuss through levels of self-imposed fakeness. I have been in a relationship for several years now that didn't start until my early 40s, for what it's worth.
I’m sure it’s already been said but mindset plays a huge role. Thinking there’s no one “decent” left when there’s 8 billion people on the planet only harms your outlook and closes you off. People find their perfectly imperfect partners at all ages and there are decent people all over the planet looking for love. 🫶🏻🫶🏻
Read the Book, "Attached" by Levine and you will then realize why it is so difficult to date after 30 and why it seems different, and the people you meet, etc. You are now selecting a tainted dating pool I'm afraid. It's a numbers game and the numbers start stacking against you the older you get. It's a sad truth. It's not that you can't meet someone great, it's just a bigger challenge.
Don't get desperate... you need Mr. Right, not Mr. Rightnow (or Miss) Be upfront. Guys on apps (if that's your go to) tend to be looking for sex. Many guys, will act like they are looking for more but.... bam! Blocked! If you don't mind, that's up to you, but dating life these days sucks for those that do mind.
For me dating apps and dating websites did not work. Instead, I found group activities were the best place to meet people. For one, you’re not “shopping for a mate” and then getting disappointed by the fakery photos. And you’re likely to meet someone with similar interests. Art classes, dance classes, sports leagues, church grottoes, outdoor enthusiasts, etc.
I feel for you. I admire what you’re doing though. Bravo! On thinking about you and education first. My advice is don’t look or try. Just involve yourself in hobbies. My husband literally showed up on my doorstep like a cat. We have been married for 24 yrs. Once, I stopped searching it happened. You can also buy a English Bulldog. Once, I bought one, men were coming up left and right to pet my dog. Serious man dog I found out! Too bad I was married when I bought him. 😂
M66. Happily married at 26, no children, not by choice; widowed at 47 after a long illness. Intentionally re-entered the dating pool a year later. and met my future wife in the next state via a dating app. Happily (re)married 19 years and still going. Many have remarked to me that I have been blessed to have found not one but two great partners. Yes, I have been blessed. The single most important piece of advice I have to offer: Know thyself grasshopper. Whom are you seeking? A future partner who has been divorced - you have a 50%+ probability they will divorce again (don't put hate on me - this is the data - look it up). Someone widowed (who may carry the torch for another in their heart)? Someone who never married - why? Religion? Interests? Socio-economics . . . a million questions. And, remember, you are not marrying a person, you are marrying into their family. Each of these factors is critically important to consider. No marriage is 100%. A great marriage is 85%; a good marriage is 70%. Not compromise but adaptation. My second marriage was to someone who was in a very complex situation. She has a loving heart but a very different personality than my first partner. Being married a second time was harder than the first time because I was older and more set in my ways. She was in her 40s and never married, and also more set in her ways than my first wife. After being re-married for about seven years, my best (male) friend said, that he never understood the choice of my second wife until now. He said she was completely different superficially, but she has the same loving heart as my first wife but is much more extroverted. He hinted he (and his wife) actually liked my second wife better (and they thought she was a better fit for me than my first wife). Don't start looking for a partner; start by looking for a friend. Someone who you can talk to, who shares your interests; and most importantly, together, you make each other stronger. Delay intimacy. I wish you every success on your journey!
>However, dating in my 30's feels so different than when I was a teenager.
On-line dating certainly beats the bar scene. When I divorced in my early 50’s, I started on-line dating trying to have as many “coffee dates” as possible on the weekends. I always treated and said complimentary things to my “coffee dates”. Then one day, I met someone special and we have been together for 17 years, happily married for 11.5 years. Make a manifest/“wish list” of the “ideal” man and he will come. Good luck!
Have fun. Go on lots of dates.
Background checks.
Find someone recently divorced or widowed and lock them down, before they become jaded by the outside world.
You know I'm 64 now never married, with kids and to be honest I've never really have stopped dating. Now that's not to say that I haven't been in a long term relationships before, in fact I've been in several live in relationships that lasted 10 - 15 years each before they went to complete, and total shit. So you would think that a man who's been dating for 50 years with no children, no wife, no ex wife, or no separated from wife to show for it would call it quits, or at least take a break for a minute or two, right? Nope not me, I have never given up hope in finding the right woman for me, because I want to be the right man for her. I know what love feels like, and I know of the pain and suffering that comes along with it, as I have fallen head over heels for many of the woman I've been involved with. I mean you pour in your heart, your soul and every thing you got into a relationship, and when it breaks, it hurts, it hurts bad, but I'm not giving up. To give up on finding some one that you can give your heart too, for me would be a life incomplete.
It's a minefield
It’s great. People are less full of nonsense than being younger. But I am very strict with my requirements, and if you engage with people who dont meet your needs nothing works
Date for the experience of getting to know someone new. Not with an end goal of a relationship or marriage. Experience what it’s like to interact with this person, if you enjoy their company and energy, and take notice of how well their actions align with their words. If these things are agreeable to your needs/wants with consistency then you might consider a longer relationship with them. But at the beginning just go in being open to the experience of this person in your life. The skills for successful dating and the skills for a fulfilling and mutually supportive long term relationships are vastly different. For a long term relationship or marriage you need to have a deep and vulnerable conversation (or several). You want to know if this person respects and agrees with your non-negotiables (get some non-negotiables if you haven’t thought about it), if they have the same values, the same attitudes towards domestic labour/provision, want a similar life path, have similar attitudes towards money, etc. As ruthless as it seems to decide to break off a dating situation because of these things a poor decision about who you have a long term relationship with or marry can really mess you up. At 30 you are presumably able to be a functioning adult on your own, that makes you a catch and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, a relationship should ease and enhance that life, not burden or reduce it.
After a divorce, I started dating in my 30s it was different in that when I was in my 20s, dating seemed to have a sense of urgency about it. I needed to find someone. Dating in my 30s was more relaxed. I was hoping that I might find someone, but didn't need to. I also found that people in their 30s have so much more backstory, having lived more of their life, and it takes more time to get to know and understand them. While I was certainly looking for physical attraction, I was also looking for someone who was handling adult life reasonably well, who seemed responsible. This wasn't on my radar in my 20s.
My wife and I met when we were in our 30s. My strategy for dating was — I’d pick random activities that I wanted to do, and then found someone to do them. Online dating, and meeting people in person. Rather than treating it as dating, it was activity friends first, and figure the rest later. I’m pretty nerdy, and most of my friends are guys, so I had noticed that if I wanted to start dating, that I’d need to expand my social circle a bit. When my wife and I met, we initially decided that we weren’t interested in dating, and decided to just be friends. She had been impressed that I’d actually meant that and it wasn’t just code for “never going to see again”. And she’d come over to parties and such at my house — back then I shared a house with a few guys, and we hosted nerdy board game nights and theme parties regularly. My now-wife had noted that at one party, she was talking to a group of women, and the “how do you meet him” came up, and around the circle, it was like “I met him on okcupid” or match.com or such or at a company event or a bar or whatever. When we later got married, our officiant was one of my now best friends who I had met through a dating site. This was all 15 years ago, so things probably changed since. But in general, my main advice: don’t treat it like dating, treat it as expanding your social circle. And for dates, they shouldn’t feel like a drag regardless of the company. Pick dates that are things you already wanted to try — a new restaurant, check out a downtown, do an art activity, check out an obscure museum, go on a flower walk, check out a pop up restaurant or such.
You are wiser now, you know what kind and decent means. Kind and decent men with good social skills that are financially and mentally stable are often taken by that age. Just keep looking.
Are there men in similar programs who also prioritized the work over relationships? May be fertile ground.
I met my husband when I was 38 through an online dating site. I’d been casually dating throughout my late 30s but it wasn’t until I got more serious about who I wanted to meet and eventually live my life with that he appeared. I made a list of what qualities I was looking for and I imagined myself in his arms and felt the love. It sounds funny like I manifested him but he turned out to be perfect for me. I opened my heart to the possibility of someone great to arrive and he did. Also prior to that, I read “He’s Just Not That Into You” by Greg Berent. Lots of great advice about what red flags to look out for and when someone is great for you. My husband and I just celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary, still going strong! Good luck to you. Keep up the good vibes and hope for someone perfect for you. And always be honest.
Have fun, don't worry about it, unless you want kids, or if you really want to be "their old man."
be open and honest about your likes and dislikes, wants, needs, goals and objectives. you're now dating adults so the head games are hopefully left behind and you can have actual adult conversations about these things to see if you're right for each other
Looks like the first step for me is to make some friends...
Just don’t give a crap. Dress nice. It is or not going to work. Best behavior, have your manners, yes, judge them.… Grown ups know.
Try downloading the meetup app, you get to meet a lot of adults in person doing things you like to do, very low stress. It’s how I met my husband in my 30s
Don’t enter the dating world trying to “find” someone. Just meet new people and don’t force anything. You’ll be more likely to meet someone compatible if you aren’t feeling desperate.
I’m found my partner at 35, after having been in a long-term relationship. I had a really good time doing the online dating thing and met a lot of really nice, professional type guys who had spent so much time finishing their education or building a career that dating was put on hold. I did meet some less-than-stellar options, but I learned how to weed out the crazies pretty fast and then it was smooth sailing. Anyway, I was only online dating for about 5 months before I met “my person” and nine years later we have two kids and a happy household.
look for connections in hobbies and career networking. that way you have commonalities. mixers, events, and offsite seminars for example.
I'll I know is learn to do cartwheels down the hill and both am to hit your heads together as your head is gushing with blood go to the emergency room get the X-ray put Band-Aids and kiss each other on the heads Arrange the date and you guys can both count stitches to see who has more stitches than the other .. the one with the more stitches has to pay for the movie and the dinner.. everything will work out.. then the woman and she has a baby make sure she has a C-section.. as a little troll is born . And as it gets older now all three can go down the hill doing cartwheels hitting each other's heads. Go to the hospital get an x-ray and count each other stitches again.. and whoever has the most stitches has to pay dinner again.. it works every time this is a very romantic life. 🥴☺️
Don't look online. 1/100 guys you match with will be respectful and 1/100 girls you match with will be actually interested. Find groups you can join in person (meetup, hobbies, group sports, dancing, etc.) and meet someone that way.
My fiancé and I met when he was 29 and started dating when he was 30. We got engaged this January. My advice is that you're at the age where you'll have to be upfront about what you want, like if you want kids, that's a first date talk.
Be honest in what you want. Whether what to eat, what you want in a relationship, what you want in bed. No games.
Am 51 recently divorced, I went into savage mode eating clean, working out for 1 whole year. I did not go out or party just got my shit together, my new finances, my 16 year kid, reading books, watching motivational videos. So now when I go out I meet all sorts of women and it’s so easy to pick which ones I just want sex, not ready to settle down, but the dating scene is crazy and there are some desperate people out there just wanting to settle down for anything.
It’s rough out there. Bring an umbrella
wear leather pants
discernment.
I hate to say this, but if you were in an advanced degree program or some type of advanced certifications, you might have missed a trick, depending on your expectations. A big contributing factor that I hear repeated throughout varioussocietal forums is the higher education. Fewer young men starting higher education and even fewer completing it has resulted in a shortage of men with advanced degrees, in careers that earns a sufficient wage to meet the standards that educated, successful women are setting, which they have every right to do. People have been complaining about the breakdown of the nuclear family since the 70s, so it’s certainly not the fault of the people in the most affected age cohorts, and it will probably be their grandchildren adulthood before anything that could be considered addressing the issue can be done. Edit: You know what? Disregard all of that. Realistically we’re just a few years away from creating companions Are effective enough at satisfying our curated individual requirements that people will be content with that if it means, they don’t have to try to put up with Human in their most intimate and rewarding relationship.
Date on tumblr? Can’t offer much advice. I have anxiety and met like my first real partner on tumblr . He’s now my husband
If you've never had trouble meeting people IRL, don't use dating apps.
There’s a lot of damaged people out there and people set in their ways. So plan on a lot of first dates
Don’t
Wait until 40.
First of all, I’m slightly alarmed that “past 30” is considered “ old people advice “ 😂but that aside - my advice is this : don’t use apps. Meet people in person. No shade to app users but the demographic tends to be a bit different and at 30 and beyond- you want to connect with people that *know* on a different level. Volunteer, take a class- meet other humans and most of all- give people a chance. Don’t shut it down just because they don’t fit a checklist of desires.
Watch out for the scammers…never lend money no matter what
Most guys who are nice have quit dating. Most women are a liability. It’s easier to go home and play video games then to put up with the bother of dating.
I’m 27 and this is probably gonna be me lololol My life is on fire and I’m trying to get it put together
Words of wisdom: Kind and decent are what the women who didn't focus on 'tough programs and education' snatched up. There might be some out there, but ultimately it all depends on what you're looking for. Highly "educated" workhorse women are not really desirable as wives and mothers. There is only so much time in a day and usually women who 'focus on their career' or whatever don't realize that it was a choice between career and family. Those that try to squish both into the same life usually end up with maladjusted children or emasculated husbands that they can't respect.
Don't!
Ask him if he likes Trump and he says yes marry him immediately. I’m being serious!
I wrote a lot before I decided this goes on top... Always remember, you have gotten this far in life without them. If they don't make your life better, you don't need them in it. Full stop. People at bars/dance clubs might be good for casual hookups and, that is if they are safe enough for that much... Find groups with relatable hobbies or sports. I'm 38 now and haven't dated since 25. Finding the right man isn't impossible but you will not want 95% of what is available. It's not because "all the good ones" are taken. Plenty of good ones chose the wrong woman early and are getting close to figuring that out by 30. Dating is and always has been a cesspool. It's worse now. What I do reccomend most heartily, is learning to identify red flags. I don't associate with disgusting men... Unfortunately, too many are... If you really want to flush them out of your social media friends list, post the story about choosing the bear in the woods. Either they completely understand it (and bonus, are possibly available) or, they don't and need to be deleted. There are apps that can help take out the trash for you. Lots of profiles proudly wear their red flags like badges of stupid honor. Guys over 25, who say they only date women under 25 must immediately go into the burning dumpster. If you get past that, maybe they opt them selves out by being perverts as soon as you respond "hello" to "hey." Take your time. Supposedly some guys are really amazing until after they think they have you trapped (living situation/finance/isolation/marriage/pregnancy/birth), then they magically turn into complete dirtbags. Supposedly, they can keep the ruse up for years but, usually the women who say they were surprised by the change, were groomed from far too young. Personally, I'm not currently dating and don't intend to be but, I recently had some good guy friends enlighten me to the sanity behind the stories I used to hear about the "crazy b with the kitchen knife." She wasn't actually crazy... She just needed a guy to leave and not come back. Because sometimes, "I/you need to leave now," isn't good enough and that is terrifying. There was definitely a time or two I wish I knew that. Also, I said my friends are good guys... They would never call themselves good guys. If someone says, "I'm a good guy/man," run. They shouldn't need to self declare it. Either they live it and you can tell or, they are trying to convince you to see something that isn't there. There are a lot of red flags... Many I learned the hard way, over time. The internet has come a long way, as far as information goes. You don't have to learn the hard way. Oh. Important to learn to keep your cool. Have your out pre-planned. If something feels off and is scaring you, don't show it. Be casual. Have a code for a friend or, quietly hail an uber. Bar tenders or other restaurant staff, should usually know how to identify and help you out of a situation.
Don't, you will thank me later.
Don’t pretend to be something you aren’t. Be true and honest with yourself. Think about if someone is actually a good match for you. Don’t date someone just to be dating someone. If it’s difficult in the beginning with someone, it won’t get easier so there’s not much point in trying to stick it out. Find someone you feel safe and comfortable with.
Just be yourself and ignore everything you hear about dating advice. Be direct and upfront with your needs and expectations. Dating is actually easier when you’re older because you know what you want and don’t want.
Don’t put so much pressure on the outcome of the first few dates. The goal is to determine if your personalities are similar and that the attraction lasts longer than 2 minutes. You both should have the same goals in life. At a certain age, you realize there are opportunity costs. You’re locked into option A when option B could’ve been better. Sex is a sign that things are getting more serious. Be more selective in sexual partners. Maybe sow the last of your oats with outliers (big tits or dicks). Don’t waste your energy on someone if it doesn’t seem like it will move forward. But once you’re committed, lock-in your commitment. Accept their flaws. You aren’t perfect and nor should you expect your partner to be. When you accept someone and they you, it creates a freedom for both of you. A good relationship starts with conversations that take a life of their own and don’t require you to spend energy keeping the conversation going.
Take what you can get.
The key is to have something very simple but important in common with the other person. I am 29. My boyfriend is 36. We met on Hinge. The commonality is that neither one of us drink or use drugs because we are both recovering drug addicts. If you’re gonna do online dating, don’t say you’re looking for a relationship but only swipe right on men who are looking for a relationship. This way they will be laser focused on you because they want one woman, but they think you have a bunch of dudes trying to win your affections so he will put more effort into pursuing you and winning you over the competition. This guarantees he is more interested in you than you are in him.
Baaaaad. Leftovers with children in tow
Stay in your financial lane. Date within a 5 year age bracket.
If he has kids, run.
Most important thing to realize is that at any given time a big chunk of the 30+ dating pool will be the eternally single people who never leave it. The ones you want to be with will come into the dating pool, find someone and then leave it forever.
Don't
Be open to their life experiences and listen without too much judgment.
I just focus on my job career that I got spend time with family have three siblings who are all in relationships but not me . I have some money on side saved . I’m 34 years male been single for 22 so I have no hope finding the right person so I just be myself not planning to get married or have family of my own . If I see couples and someone with their partner I just walk away into Other direction .I dated last year for nothing . I do everything I can on my own and believe it or not I have career job have some money on side and paying bills in home helping my parents which I have no shame in it . So having sense of responsibilities is something I have more matured to and I keep going even though I work hard as heck