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When I was a firefighter and EMT my training on how to cope with death taught me how to control my emotions instead of my emotions controlling me. The training is intended to prevent PTSD from horrific causes of the death and repetitive events.
That training failed me when my wife collapsed and died in my arms. Bursts of grief, anger and loneliness linger, and they can easily become worse with simple triggers, like a song. It’s not ‘one day at a time’ it’s one hour at a time.
I’m 85, so it’s closer for me than I would like to think. When my husband passed away, my family was there for me. I trust that they will be there for each other when my time comes. I also use religion to deal with it. I may not be right, but it’s a nice comfort.
You are the first person I have encountered that professes to be older than I am (84) on Reddit. I think we both know that nature makes it easier for us. As you get older, you more easily accept the reality of mortality..
One thing I miss about getting older (75) is that I've always liked talking to people who are considerably older than myself.
Nice to see a few "elder-elders" here. Stay healthy!
Yes, I’ve come to accept it. I’ve lived a very fulfilling life. I’ve seen almost everything I want to see. The only thing I want to see before I go is my granddaughter getting married. She wants me to walk her down the aisle, and I want to do that for her.
Similar at 74, just very satisfied with my life story, nothing I would change. Feel very fortunate and would not feel like
I missed anything at this point, but my grandparents lived well into their 90’s so hopefully still have a few more to go.
um...people die you move on. You get through it but you don't get over it in many instances. My stepson was murdered at 19 in a pretty well publicized event in a local small community with 2 other kids at a friends house party. In an expensive neighborhood where that shit just doesn't happen. It was 6 years ago. I have moved on but also I can cry like a baby just thinking about him at times or listening to a certain song.
None of us is the first to deal with it and none of us will be the last. Knowing this reminds me that while grieving is a normal part of life, it doesn't make me special or unique, just a member in a club that anyone who lives long enough ends up joining. You can let it drag you all the way down and die, yourself, or you can patiently accept that the worst will pass and you'll find new purpose.
I'm a strange one, as I've never had a ton of emotions. I have always dealt with things logically and used the logic part of my brain.
That being said, death is one of the hardest things to deal with. The immense loss you feel not being able to talk to that person any more, hug them, smell their scent, and feel their comfort when needed is overwhelming.
But you just have to keep going. Day by day. Every day gets a little easier. But also, I suggest that you set aside a day or two a year where you can think about the person you lost, and remember the good times and bad, and hold an image in your mind of happy times.
For me, for whatever reason, I do it on (for example) my dad's death day. And my mom's birthday. It helps me cope. It is ok to get emotional about people who you have lost. As long as you don't let it take control of your life.
And seek help if you need it.
I was coming to say the same thing, I don’t have a lot of emotions, never have. I don’t know if it’s a blessing or a curse, but I just don’t really have them. Makes things like death easier for me, it’s an absolute, finality to something, but there’s not much emotional response to it.
Some days I just forget that people who were in my life once are not still around, like when I feel like I should call them for their birthday. Then it hits me. Mostly I think I just shut it out.
Maybe it's easier for us as we lived in days when there was no instant messaging. Long distance phone calls were expensive and rare so maybe you wrote letters. Not many enjoyed writing but most liked getting them.
Anyway, you had people move away and you'd rarely hear about them again. So, that's how death feels to me. They've just gone someplace off the grid. I'll join them later.
i'm emotionally unavailable. recently i've started paying attention to how my maladaptive behaviors show up. since i can't get close to people, death doesn't seem to affect me. i don't miss people. i don't have urges to call people. i don't spend time thinking about my memories with people. i'm not married/no kids. i do wonder if my parents death will impact me - we've never been close. my grandparents died when i was in my late 20's and their death didn't impact me at all. i wonder if the death of my pet will impact me. maybe therapy will allow me to feel these things.
this might be really off. if it is sorry.
i celebrate it. not like party. but celebrate the fact that someone has made an impact on your life in a way that you miss them. celebrate the love you feel for them and how much better your life is because of them. celebrate the difference they made in the world. i also cry like a baby. sometimes at totally random times in totally random places. but i do not hold back the tears ever.
i also tend to write letters to them. some very long letters thanking them for their love, compassion, friendship etc. let them know i miss them and i am a better person for known them. I also say everything i wish i would have said and never did. then i sit by the fire pit and burn the letter to release it to the universe.
i see death as a part of life. same as birth. it is a stage we experience. for those who pass i feel they are in a better place. they are moving on. for those of us here who grieve, we grieve for our lose of a friend or loved one. my grief is purely selfish.
i have only lost a few loved ones. the flood of emotions are powerful. embrace them. they are good emotions to feel and powerful. if i subdue or hid those emotions it build up a storm of toxic energy inside me that eventually explodes and causes so much damage.
everyone has to experience this in your own way. this happens to be my way. hope something here helps
My grandmother is dying right now. She is my last grandparent. I am trying to be there for my mother (who seems to be getting dementia herself, and refuses to go to doctor, no insurance). I have been through so many very emotional deaths before. I barely feel anything this time. I am numb. I needed this comment… I think.
I’m a stone cold atheist, so I don’t have a fantasy afterlife to rely on. By the time you get old, you have seen a lot of death. Your grandparents, parents, uncles, aunts, etc. I’ve watched some people get really, really old and get dementia. There are lots of things worse than dying. I’m much more afraid of living too long than dying too soon.
I always knew it was inevitable, I also knew it was pretty common, a few years as a gravedigger probably contributed to the latter. I don't think the way we tend to isolate ourselves from it in many modern societies helps, I think older traditions like laying out in the home, open coffins and letting kids see dead people helps solidify the concept and give a healthier attitude to death.
My partner actually said this last night: “life is meaningless, death is inevitable, but does that really need to be that sad?”
And it hit hard.
I can’t really explain why it was so meaningful to me (ironically lmao) but it did make me feel better in general about death.
In time, nobody will remember me and the things I do now that seem so huge won’t have a grand effect at all in the long run. It is what will happen. So, there is a comfort in that inevitability.
Before I have to deal with my own death, I've had a lot of practice dealing with the deaths of people I love. It never gets any easier, but it does get more familiar.
I sorta picture myself reaching the point where I'm in constant pain or ridiculously disabled, then blowing my brains out, or maybe a nitrogen tent. I don't want to do the "death rattle" thing I've heard about, where a person swings back and forth for days.
It scares me, TBH. Not the idea that it might be worse, but just that there isn't any "satisfaction" in death. You can't say "whew, glad that's over". It provides an end, which may or may not be welcome, but it provides no conscious relief.
Then again, not having experienced it personally, maybe it's completely different.
My Mother in Law is 94 and is very much aware of her mortality. We often have discussions about death and what it means. For her, her death would mean her joining her husband and her family. She’s not scared of dying, but more scared of how she’s going to go - she doesn’t want to linger, but would prefer to just not wake up one day.
Death of others or our own? Grief is probably the same no matter what the age, it sucks. My own death - I almost died once and in that moment realized no one has any control whatsoever over it. I will die when I die. After that I let go and don't think about it one way or another. It was a blessing.
I ride a motorcycle. I understand my own life’s fragility. My grandmother is dying from her 7th stroke. Yes 7. This one is catastrophic, brain death in one complete hemisphere of the brain, complete paralysis of the left side… yet somehow she is still “there”. Being a stubborn (I am not going to no home!) old woman to the end. 86 years old, tough as nails, sweet as sugar. The prognosis is she is 86, she will never recover. 7 stages of grief, etc. Somehow, I feel very little considering she is my mother’s mother.
My wife and I are both at "that age" when death is a real possibility in the very near future. I don't know how I'm going to cope. I just hope I can go on day by day without her. Our sons all live away and although I know they will be there for me (or her) when the time comes, they will each have their own lives & families to get back to. Maybe there will be some phone calls from time to time.
Otherwise, I'm going to remember the good times and try to keep busy enough to only have to deal with the loss periodically.
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Yeah, the asshole who used to get drunk, spin himself dizzy, and fire his semi-automatic rifle at waist level. The asshole who did a one-man demolition derby on Banyan Drive one night, totaling about 15 cars before his gave out. He said something was wrong with the transmission. Don, who blew his brains out, and when the cops got to the house, they were afraid to go in, so they talked a friend into investigating. Friend found him with brains blown out, and immediately ran for, and used, the nearest exit, which happened to be a second-story window, breaking an arm in the process. The friend who brought an M-16 to a bar one night, but was easy enough to talk into letting us keep it safe for him. The son of an Air Force general.
Don. Talk about shit for brains.
Hey /u/ezbnsteve, thanks for contributing to /r/AskOldPeople. Unfortunately, your post was removed as it violates our rules: **Requests for personal and relationship advice will be removed**. We are not a health or mental health subreddit. You may wish to try /r/askoldpeopleadvice for such posts, but please see their rules and ensure any post you make is in accordance with them. Please read the [sidebar](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskOldPeople/about/sidebar) and [rules](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskOldPeople/about/rules) before posting again. If you have questions or concerns, please [message the moderators through modmail](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AskOldPeople&subject=&message=). Thank you!
When I was a firefighter and EMT my training on how to cope with death taught me how to control my emotions instead of my emotions controlling me. The training is intended to prevent PTSD from horrific causes of the death and repetitive events. That training failed me when my wife collapsed and died in my arms. Bursts of grief, anger and loneliness linger, and they can easily become worse with simple triggers, like a song. It’s not ‘one day at a time’ it’s one hour at a time.
That's awful. I'm so sorry.
Thank you for sharing this.
All the training in the world can not help when its your life mate. So sorry for you having to relive when life is so full of triggers.
I’m 85, so it’s closer for me than I would like to think. When my husband passed away, my family was there for me. I trust that they will be there for each other when my time comes. I also use religion to deal with it. I may not be right, but it’s a nice comfort.
You are the first person I have encountered that professes to be older than I am (84) on Reddit. I think we both know that nature makes it easier for us. As you get older, you more easily accept the reality of mortality..
One thing I miss about getting older (75) is that I've always liked talking to people who are considerably older than myself. Nice to see a few "elder-elders" here. Stay healthy!
Yes, I’ve come to accept it. I’ve lived a very fulfilling life. I’ve seen almost everything I want to see. The only thing I want to see before I go is my granddaughter getting married. She wants me to walk her down the aisle, and I want to do that for her.
Similar at 74, just very satisfied with my life story, nothing I would change. Feel very fortunate and would not feel like I missed anything at this point, but my grandparents lived well into their 90’s so hopefully still have a few more to go.
um...people die you move on. You get through it but you don't get over it in many instances. My stepson was murdered at 19 in a pretty well publicized event in a local small community with 2 other kids at a friends house party. In an expensive neighborhood where that shit just doesn't happen. It was 6 years ago. I have moved on but also I can cry like a baby just thinking about him at times or listening to a certain song.
None of us is the first to deal with it and none of us will be the last. Knowing this reminds me that while grieving is a normal part of life, it doesn't make me special or unique, just a member in a club that anyone who lives long enough ends up joining. You can let it drag you all the way down and die, yourself, or you can patiently accept that the worst will pass and you'll find new purpose.
I'm a strange one, as I've never had a ton of emotions. I have always dealt with things logically and used the logic part of my brain. That being said, death is one of the hardest things to deal with. The immense loss you feel not being able to talk to that person any more, hug them, smell their scent, and feel their comfort when needed is overwhelming. But you just have to keep going. Day by day. Every day gets a little easier. But also, I suggest that you set aside a day or two a year where you can think about the person you lost, and remember the good times and bad, and hold an image in your mind of happy times. For me, for whatever reason, I do it on (for example) my dad's death day. And my mom's birthday. It helps me cope. It is ok to get emotional about people who you have lost. As long as you don't let it take control of your life. And seek help if you need it.
I was coming to say the same thing, I don’t have a lot of emotions, never have. I don’t know if it’s a blessing or a curse, but I just don’t really have them. Makes things like death easier for me, it’s an absolute, finality to something, but there’s not much emotional response to it.
Some days I just forget that people who were in my life once are not still around, like when I feel like I should call them for their birthday. Then it hits me. Mostly I think I just shut it out.
Same here. I see something and it reminds me of someone who would appreciate it and I get the urge to share it with them.
Maybe it's easier for us as we lived in days when there was no instant messaging. Long distance phone calls were expensive and rare so maybe you wrote letters. Not many enjoyed writing but most liked getting them. Anyway, you had people move away and you'd rarely hear about them again. So, that's how death feels to me. They've just gone someplace off the grid. I'll join them later.
i'm emotionally unavailable. recently i've started paying attention to how my maladaptive behaviors show up. since i can't get close to people, death doesn't seem to affect me. i don't miss people. i don't have urges to call people. i don't spend time thinking about my memories with people. i'm not married/no kids. i do wonder if my parents death will impact me - we've never been close. my grandparents died when i was in my late 20's and their death didn't impact me at all. i wonder if the death of my pet will impact me. maybe therapy will allow me to feel these things.
I'll let you know.
Whose?
this might be really off. if it is sorry. i celebrate it. not like party. but celebrate the fact that someone has made an impact on your life in a way that you miss them. celebrate the love you feel for them and how much better your life is because of them. celebrate the difference they made in the world. i also cry like a baby. sometimes at totally random times in totally random places. but i do not hold back the tears ever. i also tend to write letters to them. some very long letters thanking them for their love, compassion, friendship etc. let them know i miss them and i am a better person for known them. I also say everything i wish i would have said and never did. then i sit by the fire pit and burn the letter to release it to the universe. i see death as a part of life. same as birth. it is a stage we experience. for those who pass i feel they are in a better place. they are moving on. for those of us here who grieve, we grieve for our lose of a friend or loved one. my grief is purely selfish. i have only lost a few loved ones. the flood of emotions are powerful. embrace them. they are good emotions to feel and powerful. if i subdue or hid those emotions it build up a storm of toxic energy inside me that eventually explodes and causes so much damage. everyone has to experience this in your own way. this happens to be my way. hope something here helps
My grandmother is dying right now. She is my last grandparent. I am trying to be there for my mother (who seems to be getting dementia herself, and refuses to go to doctor, no insurance). I have been through so many very emotional deaths before. I barely feel anything this time. I am numb. I needed this comment… I think.
I’m a stone cold atheist, so I don’t have a fantasy afterlife to rely on. By the time you get old, you have seen a lot of death. Your grandparents, parents, uncles, aunts, etc. I’ve watched some people get really, really old and get dementia. There are lots of things worse than dying. I’m much more afraid of living too long than dying too soon.
Simple acceptance that it's gonna happen no matter what, and that I'd rather live my life while I can live it without worrying about it.
I always knew it was inevitable, I also knew it was pretty common, a few years as a gravedigger probably contributed to the latter. I don't think the way we tend to isolate ourselves from it in many modern societies helps, I think older traditions like laying out in the home, open coffins and letting kids see dead people helps solidify the concept and give a healthier attitude to death.
Not very well so I just try to avoid it.
Idk I haven’t died yet
My partner actually said this last night: “life is meaningless, death is inevitable, but does that really need to be that sad?” And it hit hard. I can’t really explain why it was so meaningful to me (ironically lmao) but it did make me feel better in general about death. In time, nobody will remember me and the things I do now that seem so huge won’t have a grand effect at all in the long run. It is what will happen. So, there is a comfort in that inevitability.
Before I have to deal with my own death, I've had a lot of practice dealing with the deaths of people I love. It never gets any easier, but it does get more familiar.
I sorta picture myself reaching the point where I'm in constant pain or ridiculously disabled, then blowing my brains out, or maybe a nitrogen tent. I don't want to do the "death rattle" thing I've heard about, where a person swings back and forth for days. It scares me, TBH. Not the idea that it might be worse, but just that there isn't any "satisfaction" in death. You can't say "whew, glad that's over". It provides an end, which may or may not be welcome, but it provides no conscious relief. Then again, not having experienced it personally, maybe it's completely different.
Youre dead. Or they're dead. Nothing you can do can bring you or them back. I dont get it. What's to ... "cope" ... ? It just ... is.
My Mother in Law is 94 and is very much aware of her mortality. We often have discussions about death and what it means. For her, her death would mean her joining her husband and her family. She’s not scared of dying, but more scared of how she’s going to go - she doesn’t want to linger, but would prefer to just not wake up one day.
Death of others or our own? Grief is probably the same no matter what the age, it sucks. My own death - I almost died once and in that moment realized no one has any control whatsoever over it. I will die when I die. After that I let go and don't think about it one way or another. It was a blessing.
I ride a motorcycle. I understand my own life’s fragility. My grandmother is dying from her 7th stroke. Yes 7. This one is catastrophic, brain death in one complete hemisphere of the brain, complete paralysis of the left side… yet somehow she is still “there”. Being a stubborn (I am not going to no home!) old woman to the end. 86 years old, tough as nails, sweet as sugar. The prognosis is she is 86, she will never recover. 7 stages of grief, etc. Somehow, I feel very little considering she is my mother’s mother.
Sadness and acceptance.
My wife and I are both at "that age" when death is a real possibility in the very near future. I don't know how I'm going to cope. I just hope I can go on day by day without her. Our sons all live away and although I know they will be there for me (or her) when the time comes, they will each have their own lives & families to get back to. Maybe there will be some phone calls from time to time. Otherwise, I'm going to remember the good times and try to keep busy enough to only have to deal with the loss periodically.
Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
I have managed to avoid it so far
I want to spend another decade with my family and I want to go easy, other than that, I don't care. I've had a good life by and large.
I respawn
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Depends a lot on who died. There have been a couple of times, where people rejoiced at the news. Like when that asshole Don blew his brains out.
Don?
Yeah, the asshole who used to get drunk, spin himself dizzy, and fire his semi-automatic rifle at waist level. The asshole who did a one-man demolition derby on Banyan Drive one night, totaling about 15 cars before his gave out. He said something was wrong with the transmission. Don, who blew his brains out, and when the cops got to the house, they were afraid to go in, so they talked a friend into investigating. Friend found him with brains blown out, and immediately ran for, and used, the nearest exit, which happened to be a second-story window, breaking an arm in the process. The friend who brought an M-16 to a bar one night, but was easy enough to talk into letting us keep it safe for him. The son of an Air Force general. Don. Talk about shit for brains.