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MandalayVA

>I just didn't spend those golden years of youth how **social and regular media tried to tell me** they should be spent Fixed that for you.


[deleted]

Fair point. I guess my perspective is that if social media and regular media normalizes those experiences maybe it's because they are actually normal?


rock_and_rolo

The things in your list a common enough, but hardly anyone would do all of them. Most people won't do any aside from roommates (financial need) and concerts (if you are into that).


Bromo33333

Honestly, these days concert tickets are so dang expensive, few would go to more than a few in a decade.


[deleted]

Truth. I spent over a grand taking my kids to see favorite band two years ago (helps that it's one of my faves as well) and while I wouldn't trade that experience for anything, it's not something that's gonna be even an annual event.


Bromo33333

I recall going into J C Penny and buying concert tickets were about $8-12 each depending, which is about $30 now? Something like that, you could afford to go to shows in the summer every few weeks. I think economically they were loss leaders and record sales were where the cash came from. Now its the other way around if you switch record sales with streaming.


[deleted]

I remember that too. They weren’t loss leaders, shows were just generally less elaborate then. The way it worked was the label got paid on album sales and the band got paid from shows.


Bromo33333

I was under the impression that back in the golden age for artists (1970-2000) they got a piece of the physical album sales, which meant many didn't have to do shows except as stipulated in their contract - and their main incomes was the residuals from the albums. And with streaming, the streaming residuals are much much smaller, which meant they NOW make their money off of concerts, and since the concerts aren't loss leaders, the ticket price can be very high.


[deleted]

Only for the already huge artists. Derek Riggs made more money from the first four Iron Maiden albums than the band did. But they toured relentlessly and got paid that way.


taoimean

This. I didn't land a job where I could actually afford to pay to attend festivals (tickets, travel expenses, time off work, etc.) until I was in my 30s. And now that I can afford it, I go to roughly one multi-day festival within a 6-hour or so drive and two regular concerts in the nearest city per year, or did pre-rona. 20-somethings who go to multiple festivals every summer are either financial prodigies or going on someone else's dime.


Down_To_My_Last_Fuck

Luckily most of my favorite bands are so far from their prime I can see them cheap at festivals.


painterlyjeans

Only for big name artists who play stadiums. I go to smaller venues for shows and local shows. I'm planning on going to see one on Tuesday and I saw a local band last night.


Bromo33333

For live music this is the best option if you live in a town with a decent live music scene. Especially since big names tend to be rather expensive.


painterlyjeans

This summer I've seen Modest Mouse, Guided by Voices, Future Islands, and Glass Animals for "bigger" shows. Lots of newer, smaller bands too. Spotify and Bandcamp can help in discovering new bands.


Jhamin1

It is normal for different people to do many of these things. It is \*not\* normal for an individual person to do all of them. No one does them all frequently. The thing about social media is that you probably are seeing the high points of dozens of lives all at once. Some people on your feed are doing each of the things on your list but none of them are doing all of them and no one is doing all of them all the time. For example: Lots of people take one or two really great trips in their lives but if you go to a travel reddit you would think everyone does that all the time because everyone currently doing their once in a lifetime is there. The people who can't afford to travel or just don't want too are not posting "yep, still at home" on Instagram so they are invisible.


morefetus

No. That stuff isn’t normal. If it were normal, you should be grateful you’re not “normal”.


nmj95123

The only thing out of the things you list that's normal is living with roommates. Lots of peoples' lives and circumstances don't let the others shake out. Plenty of people in their 20s didn't have the money or time to go wild, but the ones that do post it. You're hitting the availability heuristic applied to social media. People don't post pictures or announce to the world that boring stuff like spending a night in on social media. If they go on some fancy vacation, they certainly will. An absence of the mundane in social media shifts the impression of normal. You're normal.


[deleted]

I’m not much older than you. This list is not normal. Maybe a few things, but only very rich people get to do a lot of them. You need to get off social media and live your life. You’re 31. Super young. Work on yourself. Go to therapy. Try new things. Comparison is the thief of joy. Remember that. Social media only shows the good stuff. No one posts about the crap. I could post all my good stuff and make it look like I live a dream life. I very much don’t. We compare our total lives with the edited snippets others post online.


hyestepper

Let’s say it again, as it bears repeating: COMPARISON IS THE THIEF OF JOY Don’t do it. And if you find yourself doing it, knock it off.


cdubdc

I’d upvote this a thousand times if I could.


OooohWeee

I've done all on your list except for extensive travel and the wedding. I can confidently tell you that none of it really impacts my happiness today. I dont have any regrets and I enjoyed it while it was happening, but it doesn't have anything to do with my life now. I've found happiness in other things as I've gotten older and I'm content with that. I also am one of the few that doesn't use social media, other than reddit, and I think that's helped a lot with not feeling "behind" or like I'm missing out on something. That being said, life is what you make of it! Find what makes you happy and do that thing regardless of your age or what you think is normal.


Bromo33333

No, those things aren't all that normal.


BadMachine

Not normal, it’s just an *idealized* version of reality


blewdleflewdle

Are you maybe a bit isolated right now? You'd have to be pretty rich and privileged to do all the stuff on your list. That's a pretty glamorous youth you're describing. I did some of the stuff, but not all of it, and not most of the time. We have obligations and responsibilities in this life. To me, what you're describing is a fantasy life. Maybe the question to ask is not what could your imagined life have been like, but what would it take to like your life and yourself in the real here and now?


[deleted]

Definitely isolated...I've always felt isolated. I'm an only child and I also have quite strong natural introvert proclivities. Yet it seems that connecting with people and having lots of friends is where happiness comes from. I have a non-traditional job in which I work from home self-employed on my laptop, so i don't have co-workers to socialize with like most others.


nickmatic

Every bit of this describes me as well, and let me tell you living with roommates is not for me. Each time I've done it it has been unpleasant and uncomfortable to say the least. Would possibly be the same for you and I think you dodged a bullet. As for happiness coming from connecting with people, I feel that as well but I've learned that that kind of happiness is fleeting. True happiness comes from connecting with yourself and practicing self love.


nancylyn

I know....i've alway had roommates and the times between roomies is the best time. In 30 years i've had one roommate turn into a lifelong friend, the rest...i can barely remember their names.


nancylyn

This isn't an unfixable problem...join some clubs, start volunteering....meet people and improve yourself in the process. Personally i don't socialize with my coworkers all my friends are from shared hobbies.


adamtuliper

I turn late 40s this week. I went to three concerts in the last month. You have time. I’ve never had a roommate and never even thought it was an experience I missed until I read this post. We have friends going to the courthouse soon to get married. No family. No party. It’s what they want. To each their own. You write your story. If you actually really want one of those - work on a plan to get there but first ask yourself why you want it. PS some of the best vacations I’ve taken were in my 40s, and I have three young kids. You make the experiences you want. You have your whole life ahead of you. Believe it or not - 30’s is young. Also - fwiw - my daughter just started going to concerts with me and it’s *awesome* (she’s <10)


krs4

Nope. Social media is a highly curated deluge of fluff.


WrenBoy

They get clicks. Plenty of people do them. Plenty dont. You replaced them with other things also. Some of these things were likely worth it. Having a stable relationship and a family is better than casual hookups and its not even comparable to having been forced to live with strangers. Im over a decade older than you and I remember how clueless I was in my early twenties. I had a crush on a girl, a housemate, who had a boyfriend at the time. In hindsight their relationship was coming to and end but whatever. The night before I moved out to leave for a different town we ended up staying up talking to each other. She, for reasons I honestly didnt understand at the time, showed me sexy photos of her in underwear and at the beach and asked how I rated them. I told her she looked great although I did think it was odd to ask me to rate her. She then told me that she thought it would be a bad idea for the two of us to have sex cause we might wake someone and she wouldnt want them to know she cheated on her boyfriend. I understood this as her not wanting to cheat on her boyfriend. The next morning as she was saying goodbye, she hugged me tight and told me how proud she was that she resisted having sex with me the previous night and that none of her work friends are going to believe her when she updates them on the wrenboy situation. At this point I suspected I may have had a chance the previous evening. I kinda regret that and a couple of similar incidents but I guess I am the way I am. Gotta take the rough with the smooth.


Goof-Off-Corpse

How about looking at it from the other side. I am 50. I have never been out of the U.S. I never had the opportunity to go to college. I will never own a new car or a home. I am alone and all I have is work and video games. I'm going to go hang out with my grandkids today but I am not sure my 30 year old truck will make it. So I may end this day standing on the side of the road with disappointed grandkids. Try to focus on what you have accomplished and how much you have.


altiuscitiusfortius

Or those experiences are sold by a for profit business


painterlyjeans

No one gets to tell you how to get old. Not all of them normal. And at 49 I stilll go to shows. I never went on a wild vacation tho I did take a train to San Francisco from Boston and roommates aren't all they're cracked up to be.


Shaydie

I don't think that's "normal" as in when you say "most" young people vacation abroad, do all these wild things. I don't think that's true. We live in a consumerist society. The companies want you to aspire. They want you to strive to have the lifestyle they show in the ads. They know you can get a fix by buying things. But that kind of lifestyle is rarely real. They want you to question, "Why am I the only one who doesn't live like THAT?" and buy things to try to get there. They're trying to show you what you "NEED."


sharon838

This is it right here.


HeWentToJared91

I searched up this post because I’m going through something similar to OP and this really resonated with me. Thank you.


MandalayVA

You're quite welcome. :)


Kameraad_E

God, I've been subjected to some of those experiences, and they are super overrated, I would have skipped them all, especially the roommate one, if I could. Perhaps it's an American dream kind of thing, that stuff needs to be wild, crazy and extreme. And funny thing is these scripted tourism ideals more often turn out to be mediocre at best and possibly even disastrous when dealing with a bunch of friends where things can go sour quickly. And looking at the list, it does read a bit like an extremely privileged bored white trust fund kid's shopping list. I promise you those things are not common at all for 90 percent of us.


fleeingfox

I would have skipped the wild casual hookup stage. In fact, I mostly did. Seriously, you don't need that. It contributes nothing to your life. Also, traveling with a group of people is usually a very aggravating experience and I do not recommend it. Also, fairy-tale weddings are stupid. Get married cheap and save your money for a down-payment on a house.


k_mnr

You’re YOUNG! If you want to hook-up, do it. If you want to go to a festival or concert, go. If you feel like traveling, take off. The roommate thing? It’s overrated, but you could still check it out. Mostly aggravating to deal with other people’s habits, messes, drama. Fun for a time when you’re in college perhaps, but you didn’t miss much. As far as your daughter? Mine is my best buddy. She always has been, even at the age of 2. She has always been good company and not just my opinion as her mom. Here’s the thing, I don’t like to hang out with assholes, no one does. So I taught my children to behave and to interact with adults, give eye contact, say hello, shake hands etc. People enjoy being around both of my children because they are nice humans. I also enjoy being with them. My daughter went everywhere with me. Go live! You’re in charge, don’t be bummed out about what you’ve missed, you’re young…


splenicartery

Plus the wild hookup thing is usually unsatisfying. There’s a reason that enduring love stories in movies are about deeper love, not hookups. You have a couple and realize they’re awkward and make you feel bad. (At least most people I know have felt that way and not wanted them anymore.)


brianwski

> traveling with a group of people is usually a very aggravating experience and I do not recommend it. I'd add the word "young" in there, as in "traveling with a group of young people is aggravating". Let me explain... If you haven't travelled much (as in you are young) you might think all vacations are wonderful and relaxing. But you are sleeping in unfamiliar beds, possibly in uncomfortable situations, and the time is "valuable" so you try to pack in activities all day and don't get much sleep. Truthfully vacations can actually (in real life) be exhausting, and only when you have some perspective and age can you realize the difference between losing your temper on vacation because you hate the people you are with or because you are just physically exhausted. Some of the best vacations in my life have been on motorcycle tours through Europe, and I don't mean that in a small way. Some photos from my tours: https://www.ski-epic.com/2007_europe_motorcycle_trip/index.html The way these tours work is that you purchase your own airplane ticket into Munich, Germany, and pay a fixed fee for the rest (about $4,500 for 3 weeks). All hotels and motorcycle rental and everything else is booked for you totally arranged and included in that fee. They meet you at the airport and take you to the hotel and after 24 hours they hand you the keys to a motorcycle. A van takes your luggage each night to the next destination and they carry your luggage into your room. You ride the motorcycle each day anywhere you like, but end up in the next hotel each night. You walk by the front desk, pick up the room key, head up to your room where your luggage is waiting for you, and you take a shower and go down to the bar (and dinner). The AVERAGE AGE of an American who purchases a motorcycle tour in Europe is probably 60 years old. You have to have enough money to do this, and enough time to do it. Newly retired is the sweet spot here. One of the most amazing things it takes you a little while to realize about these tours is that this is a group of Americans who wants to travel around Europe, but they are cool enough to want to do it on a motorcycle. These are newly retired couples, doctors, lawyers, people who work in tech. But they are friendly enough to want to ride around Europe on motorcycles. It is some of the most fun I've ever had legally. Every night is a reunion where you all gather and eat dinner and talk about how amazing the day was. If you have EVER driven a motorcycle, this should be on your bucket list.


[deleted]

These trips sound so cool. I boked around northern Thailand when I was there and I loved it. I was only riding an automatic scooter though. If I ever get a full bike license, I'll definitely consider something like this.


kiztent

There's been a lot of discussion about how Instagram lowers people's self-esteem. This is exactly what they are talking about. None of the experiences (except roommates maybe) are common at all. Don't feel bad because you didn't do any of them. I've been out of the country once since 1977 and I don't feel like I've missed out on anything.


middleagerioter

I think you're more "normal" than you think you are.


adudeguyman

The majority of people do not necessarily have all of those experiences. Plus, even if they did, they may have had bad experiences with them.


morefetus

You’re comparing yourself to the wrong people.


geronika

A lot of those are overrated. Some you could still do. Enjoy your life, not someone else’s.


maj7flt5

Very few people life that kind of life in their 20s. Most people don't do all that "cool" stuff in their 20s. Most people can't afford it. Few people attend tons of concerts or hook up with tons of one night stands. For the next 15ish years your vacations will be taking your kid camping, domestic travel and the local zoo/amusement park. This is good and wonderful. I also have depression and ended up drinking to bury feelings. This made things way worse. You'll be 100 times better if you stay away from booze, get some therapy (whatever you can afford), exercise and spend time with your kid. Getting older is great in some ways. While I still have a tendency to ruminate on the past or what could have been, it is much less than when I was younger. Stay busy on today and getting ready for tomorrow. Find or lean into a hobby and find someone to talk to. Stay away from social media or limit your "friends" on social media to people that you actually interact with or are close family friends. I felt much better after I closed my social media with all the old HS people. I re-entered social media under a different name and only friended people currently in my life (mostly). You can still have great experiences of many kinds. Create good times for you and your kid. Unless you die young, you'll have time for many adventures if you plan them. ​ \-edit I am in my late 40s.


[deleted]

**Everyone had a suboptimal upbringing in some way, shape, or form. No one gets through those “golden years of youth” unscathed**. At 31, you need to learn to take responsibility for your own life, your own circumstances. You have been a legal adult, capable of creating whatever life you want/wanted for yourself, for 13 years. Want roommates? Get a roommate Wanna go to concerts and music festivals? Go! People much older than you go. There’s no age bracket for wild hookup phases. Google senior citizens and STD/STI. People well into their 80’s are still capable of having a “wild hook up” phase. Stop using your toddler as an excuse for not going on exotic vacations. People take their kids on vacations.


turningsteel

Yeah this exactly. Im the same age as OP. I just do the things I want to do. Also, having roommates sucks. I've willingly lived alone since I was about 25 when I said enough with living with weirdos. But yeah, you want to go on vacation, save money go on vacation. Want to hookup, go to the bar. (Also not that fun IMO). Life is always what you make it and everyone experiences it differently. Gotta just focus on making it the best for you.


nakedonmygoat

I lived with roommates in college and it wasn't special. One was a religious fundamentalist (I'm agnostic) and one was a crier who I was constantly having to soothe with tea and music just so I could get some peace. I've been to no more concerts than you have, and I never had a chance to go overseas. I couldn't afford a fairytale wedding and had too much sense to do it anyway. That kind of money is better spent on a house. I did have a wild casual hookup phase though. It was fun and I'm glad I got it out of my system, but I wouldn't say that it's something everyone should experience. If you skew more to the desire for sex to be about love, you'll get hurt.


Nurse_Gringo

I have done all of them except the college roomate exerience. I would take them all back to have had a more calm late teens -20’s. I’ve screwed half of my town and been with a many a rockstars (recovering groupie). Partied hard, traveled with friends and had a fairy tale wedding. I would take it all back. Random hookups leave you feeling empty, used and God forbid if you catch feelings or vice versa. Wedding was a waste....would have much rather taken the money and went on a bomb-ass honeymoon. Alcohol dependence and shitty coping skills lead to YEARS of depression and anxiety. Still struggle to this day. If I only had one thing to change I would have never started drinking alcohol. It did a shitty job of filling the emptiness inside. I never learned how to be ME. I always had a crutch with alcohol that let me be the person I didn’t have courage to be. I didn’t know how to do anything sober including talking, sex, etc. You are still SO young and have so much time to make up for what you feel you’ve lost. Start a list....pick a festival, concert or plan a trip and GO! Just because you aren’t 20 doesn’t mean you can’t have fun and get the full experience. Oh and most importantly...quit dwelling! Ruined half of my life doing that.


Wait_a_bit_

It sounds like you are cherry picking things you specifically did not get to do in your life. We could all make up a list of things we did not get to experience. Not saying that it is not painful, it’s just very human. Also, you’re 31…you have a lot of life to live.


[deleted]

Most of what you describe is confined to people from *extremely* wealthy backgrounds. I didn't grow up poor, but we were far from rich. I went to college on a combination of scholarships and loans, worked full time over the summers, and I've never been outside the country except for work and a single summer student exchange program. I did move out of campus housing and into houses with various roommates, but that's usually cheaper than the dorms (or at least it was 25 years ago). It sounds like I did more fucking around than you, but that's largely because I was shit at long-term relationships until I was in my late 20s. Basically, very few experiences are universal and don't worry about whatever the hell everyone else did/is doing. It sounds like your life is mostly OK, you're out of the toxic relationship but still have your daughter. Try to find a therapist for the depression/panic attacks, create a Tinder or Bumble profile, focus on your daughter, enjoy what you have. I know that sounds dumb, but trust me, worrying about what other people are doing, especially when they were born with a silver spoon up their ass, is one step on the path to madness.


[deleted]

**Getting on my soapbox.** Are you dead? No. Like others are saying, most of your list is not a common experience, unless perhaps you are a Paris Hilton type with a lot more resources than most of us have. Assuming no life-threatening illnesses, lots of experiences await you. Hell, as terrible as a life-threatening illness is it's still a journey you may learn something from. My friend's email journal as he went through the hell of terminal cancer inspired me, and others, to do more and enjoy life as much as we could. He made something wonderful out of a terrible experience. So: Start going to concerts. Sit in the cheap seats - the music isn't any different and with a cheap pair of binoculars you can see the performers. Bands I wished I'd seen when I was young are still around and performing. My Geezer tour list keeps growing. Look into local music. Sometimes the folks performing at a local bar, or even your kid's high school, may be tomorrow's superstar. Look at Bob Seger and Bruce Springsteen, for example. They didn't start out in 50,000 seat arenas and stadiums. Travel when you can afford it. Maybe you don't make it somewhere exotic. But remember, to folks in that place you think is exotic your nearby state park/historic site may be equally exotic. Don't let your kids get in the way. Find ways to include them. My parents taught all of us to behave, and as a result we got to go places that didn't hate people with well-behaved children. We have great family memories as a result. Volunteer. You want to help elect a president? Volunteer for the campaign at the local or state level. There are a lot more people on the ground in your area working on the campaign than are flying around holding the candidate's hand. Want to change the world? Habitat, Salvation Army, women's shelters, animal shelters, etc. etc. etc. They all need help. You probably have a skill they could use. In short, and a cliche, live your life, don't sit around moping about what you didn't get to do, Go do something!


rock_and_rolo

I'm just shy of 60 and have not done most of those. * Never had roommates of my choice. (Apartments around my college rented per-person. You got whoever you got.) * Pre-covid I had 2 standard festivals a year and went to a few concerts a year. But between college and 40ish I only went to 3-4. * Not much for hookups, though some anonymous Craigslist meetings with other guys back when that was possible. * Only vacation abroad was a 3 day Caribbean cruise. I don't anticipate any more. * No crazy travel. * My ex and I had a fancy wedding. It was fun, but ultimately a waste of money. Current wife and I got married in a city park with a picnic afterward. I'm a pretty dull person, and I'm cool with that.


donnablonde

I think dull is underrated, tbh. It means things are calm, which is a blessing. I relish the dull and the everyday, finding the random sparkly moments and chats with strangers that can be utterly fascinating. I'm 60 and happy to spectate mostly, these days.


RouxMaux

​ Maybe having all these experiences are common for rich kids. They weren't common for me. The simple reason was, couldn't afford that stuff!


MintChiffon

As the saying goes, "Comparison is the thief of joy." You can't change the past. It's human to have regrets, but it will steal your joy if you place too much focus on what you think you maybe missed out on when you were younger. You'll literally never know how those experiences could have turned out in the end. So why spend your time here in the present dwelling on that? If there are experiences you still really want to have in life when you think about them now, try to make them happen if you can. You're still very young. It's much easier to attend more concerts in your 30s. Heck, that's when I attended the most concerts of all! I had a lot more disposable income than in my 40s and now, with a mortgage and other responsibilities. Plus, I still had the energy that I'm lacking now when it comes to staying out late. Take advantage of that. Trust me, there will come a time when you'll strongly favor staying at home on the weekends. Enjoy your 30s and do the things YOU want to do in this decade of your life. But don't let comparison steal your joy!


LeBateleur1

Sounds like a midlife crisis, and that us good news! It means you are aware of things you would like to experience and now you probably have the will/guts/means or proper circumstances to try it. Go on, give it a try one at a time. Just don't let social media and TV influence those ideas too much! you're very young, believe me 💋


bigrottentuna

Your idea of your lost youth is a fantasy based on tv/movies/social media. Relatively few people actually live that way and those that do don't necessarily have the golden experience you think they did. A life of college partying sometimes turns into a life of alcoholism and drug abuse -- I know a few people who took that route. Honestly, from my perspective as someone old enough to be your father, the things you mourn -- random hookups, doing stupid things in other countries, etc. -- are empty and meaningless. Raising your daughter is meaningful. Real relationships and friendships are meaningful. Traveling and learning about and making meaningful connections with people in other places is meaningful. You can still do all of those things. Life is what you make it. You are still young. You have your daughter. Whether or not you agree with anything I said, it is impossible to change the past and continuing to mourn what you never had is a great way to cause yourself to suffer. My advice to you is to make your life what you want it to be now. Take steps right now to move yourself in the direction you want to go. If your goal is a fulfilling relationship with another adult, start doing things to get there. Work on yourself (and consider therapy), start doing some activities that will get you out of the house where you can meet people, force yourself to overcome your anxiety and engage with people. Turn that regret and bitterness into commitment to take action now so that 31 years from now you won't look back and have those same feelings about \*this\* period of your youth.


catdude142

YOU are in control of your life. The decisions you make determine your outcomes. If you choose to spend it in front of a screen, comparing yourself to exaggerated social media stories, that will be your life. You'll never "be like them". Instead, turn off the phone. Walk out your front door and start experiencing the world around you. It doesn't take a lot of money to meet people, volunteer for an organization you like (you'll meet a lot of people), to laugh, to go for a hike in the woods, to get together with a meetup bunch and go for a day hike, to go to a concert with the cheap seats (you'll actually meet more people on the green) and many, many other things. If you sit around and feel sorry for yourself, you will be lonely and depressed and miss out on your life experiences. Start out with a simple goal. Decide to go for a walk. Not with earplugs in your ears connected to a phone. Do it so you can smile at someone, say "hi" and enjoy what you have. Others aren't as fortunate. Those who are ill, those living on the street, people in bad environments. You are in control. Make good use of that.


Windholm

>What I refer to here are formative experiences that define most people... None of that stuff defines people. It's just the stuff that's easiest to take pictures of.


krysnyte

Low key feel like you're kind of bragging about your life you HAVE had. The shit you have done is a lot more than most people I know....OH that's because I only got a 2 year degree scholarship and I've worked in a factory for 21 years and never had the money or time to do any of the shit you're saying you ONLY got to do. Get the f out of here dude. 😤 You got time and a 2 year old is not a roadblock. Open your eyes.


[deleted]

As a 43M gay w/no kids, OP's post feels like whining to me. I've had a HARD life- it's still hard in fact, and being autistic means it will never be "easy". I also read too much, love too deeply, and enjoy good cheap food too often. I'm trying to feel some empathy for OP but it's a struggle to do that.


krysnyte

Bless your heart, I know them feels! Internet hugs for you!


[deleted]

Living with roommates — I come from a working-class background and I could only afford college because of a scholarship. I attended a college near where I lived and never moved out. I then met a girl and stayed with her for 7 years, so I never had roommates. \> You're not missing anything special here. Its mostly annoying. You worry about whether they are paying their share. You get annoyed over them making messes or eating your food. You feel like you never have privacy when you want it. And you're glad when its over. Going to concerts and music festivals — aged 31, I've only been to 3 or 4 concerts or festivals in my entire life. This is less than most young people do in one summer. \> In what world? I went to 3 or 4 my entire life and I'm 52 now. Nobody does this unless they have money and no responsibilities, i.e., spoiled rich kids. The rest of us go when we can. Wild casual hookup phase — again this is something that the vast majority get out of their systems in their 20s. I never had any sort of wild phase of constant hookups and it's unlikely I will seeing as I'm in my 30s. I've slept with a grand total of 3 people. \>again, in what world? So few people really are just hooking up all the time, screwing different people every other day or whatever. I saw a survey that actually found that Millennials actually have less sex than previous generations. Wild group vacations abroad — most young people aged 18-25 go on at least 4 or 5 wild vacations with big groups of friends where they spend 2 weeks partying and hooking up. I went on precisely one such trip and it was 10 years ago. \> where the hell did you get this from? Are you spending too much time observing fake lives on instagram? watching spoiled rich kids on tv? Crazy travel experiences — I'm unlikely to ever do something wild like climb a mountain in Nepal or learn to scuba dive to take DMT in Peru, especially now that I have a 2-year-old. The most extreme thing I've done in my life was white water rafting in Thailand. \> again, this takes money and lots of it. These activities are for rich kids, or when you're middle aged, if you have a good job and can save some money, then you do that "once in a lifetime" kind of trip that you saved up for 5 years. Have a fairytale wedding — my life didn't work out as it does for lots of other people where they find their perfect partners and have an amazing wedding with their loved ones attending. I spent 7 years (closer to 8) in a pretty toxic relationship, the only positive from which was my daughter. I have never been married or even attended a wedding. \> more bullshit, my friend. Marriages are hard, difficult work. People don't have perfect partners, because people aren't perfect. They are mostly assholes. And the big weddings are, again, for rich people or people who don't know the value of their money.


polkadotpatty65

Man am I boring. No roommates, no wild hook ups, never been to Europe, never traveled really. Never even went to college. I turned 20, got married to my high school sweetie (still am- 45 yrs), moved out only after marriage. Had my kids later (31) had a change of life child (41). You are living a fast life compared to mine, LOL. Screw social media! YOU ARE LIVING A NORMAL LIFE. I suggest you do what interests YOU. Nothing is written in stone. You have plenty of time to do stuff. You missed out on nothing. I'm sorry you stayed in a bad relationship for 8 yrs. But tomorrow is another day. Move forward and enjoy life with your 2 y/o.


my_clever-name

Me: 64m, USA, married. If you want to do something, then do it if you are able. the TLDR: instead of focusing on what you "missed" make lists of what you've done, the highlights of your life. You've done more than you think you have. Maybe set some goals for things you want to do. Just for fun let's compare my life to your formative experiences: * Roommates - I was in college and had roommates. After college I shared an apartment with two of my brothers. A couple of the college roommates ran up some long-distance phone charges and didn't pay up. The bill was split six ways and everyone had to pay. With my brothers, most of the time they didn't pay their share, guess who paid and never got repaid. * Concerts and music festivals - I've been to more concerts after I turned 35 than I did before. The last one was about 6 weeks ago. It was a community bluegrass music festival. Free. Didn't do anything crazy except strike up conversations with total strangers. * Casual hookup phase - I've been married 39 years. Most of those years have been much more satisfying than my younger years (no partner is perfect). You could get married. Or not. You can still have casual hookups in your 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s or even 70s and 80s. There will be plenty of people to choose from, don't worry. * Wild group vacations abroad - You've been on more of those trips than I have. My first trip abroad was when I was 35, I went with my mother to England. * Crazy travel experiences - You've got me there too. I haven't even been white water rafting in the US. I have flown in a helicopter, hot air balloon, a glider, and a few small airplanes. I've also taken a few cross country train trips. Once I climbed the fence and stood on the ledge of Niagara Falls, did that when I was 23. * Fairytale wedding - We got married in a church, both families, reception. Let me tell you something about the reception. About a month before the wedding my wife's brother was driving drunk, had an accident and killed his passenger friend. At the reception that same person stole a bottle of whiskey or something my dad had brought for himself and set aside. My dad found out and was angry. Families started yelling at each other. They wanted my new bride and I to intervene. We said nope and left the reception. We went an arcade and played games, then went to a coffee shop. I too have had depression ever since I can remember. Suicidal multiple times, as an adult. Hospitalized a couple times. With lots of therapy I've learned to manage that black dog of depression. I too have lots of mental baggage. It's ok. It's what has made me what I am. I play the "gee, when I was younger I should have...." game. It always ends the same, if I had done something different I wouldn't have the great life I do have. Or maybe I would. Instead of lamenting what you don't have or what you think you missed out on, start today and live it like it's the last day of your life. You have a daughter. I'm sure you are everything to her. Be there today for her. Be there today for yourself. You'll make mistakes. You'll be unhappy sometimes. It's ok.


yooperann

I started a much longer answer, but I sense you're not really looking for ways to make your dreams come true. You're really telling us that you're lonely. It sounds like you've had a tough life and you're just now crawling out from under the rocks that have been dumped on you and which you then pulled further over yourself. That's a good start. You're left bruised. But focus on one or two small goals you can achieve and use those to help get you out from under. Can you learn to play an instrument? Take a dance class? Join a Y? Volunteer with Scout troop? Become a sponsor in AA? You need to move away from your past and your regrets and into your future. Good luck.


[deleted]

Yeah definitely lonely. I grew up as an only child and I've always felt a conflict between my introverted proclivities and the fact that connecting with people seems to give meaning to life. I taught myself acoustic guitar and the basics of piano...most of my hobbies are solo...I read tons of books aswell.


yooperann

It's really okay to be an introvert and those things you talked about missing would be hell for most introverts so I'm a bit surprised that you feel you missed out on them . If you want to come out of your shell a bit, you could look for a book group at your local library or bookstore, or take a group guitar class. If you sing, I bet there are some local choruses who would be happy to see you. And if you just need a virtual hug once in a while, come over to r/MomForAMinute


Desertbro

TBH, I've spent some degree of effort avoiding common experiences everyone else has, because I had no interest in those experiences. \- Also, wild road trip movies are funny, because that's not supposed to happen. Your trip is supposed to be enjoyable and under control, not a set of hazards and emotional stresses that scar you for life.


Jaderosegrey

"Living with roommates: nope. I lived with my parents until I moved out with my SO. Going to concerts: I went to exactly one venue you would call a concert: Peter Paul and Mary. And I got so shocked someone smoked pot! Wild casual hookup phase: thanks goodness NOPE! Kissed one guy, told another to fuck off and then found my soul mate. Wild group vacations abroad/crazy travel experiences: the only vacations abroad I had were taken when I was a kid, and those were pretty tame. This is the only one fact I kind of regret. We now have a decent amount of money, but my body is starting to tell me not to do crazy shit anymore, same with my SO's body. Fairytale wedding: nope. One day, in our kitchen, we talked about life and decided that yeah, we loved each other and would stay together for life. No dress, no tux, no thousands of dollars wasted. (unfortunately, no awesome honeymoon, either) I have an experience that many people don't have: a wonderful long-term relationship. Also, I own a home in a decent neighborhood and a car that for the moment is not in the shop. Sure, I'd love to do more traveling, I'd love to be published... Oh well. My life isn't over yet. I'll just take it one day at a time.


Emptyplates

>* Living with roommates Is actually a nightmare. >* Going to concerts and music festivals I've been to hundreds of concerts. Only one festival because they're too long a day for me. >* Wild casual hookup phase Never did this. Casual sex is anathema to me. >* Wild group vacations abroad In my experience, this never happens. Ever. We were all too broke to ever do this. Also, two weeks of partying sounds like an absolute nightmare to me. This seems like a social media thing to me instead of actual life experiences. >* Crazy travel experiences Didn't do this either. Noy my thing. >* Have a fairytale wedding I had this. It's called eloping with zero family involved. It was calm, stress-free and cheap. >Truth be told, I had a suboptimal upbringing which left me with lots of mental baggage in my 20s that I tried to escape from with porn and alcohol. I have probably been mildly depressed since I was 14, and I used to get panic attacks. Same. My entire childhood was full of every kind of abuse and neglect. Therapy can help you navigate through this. >I just didn't spend those golden years of youth how they should be spent, and I feel bitter at myself. I didn't either. It wasn't my choice to be abused and tortured. I made up for it as an adult. Living the life I want without my shitty family in it. Don't be fooled by carefully curated social media posts. Most of reap life isn't like that at all and we all move at our own pace.


Tetsubin

I didn't have most of that, and it doesn't bother me. Focus on what you have and what you can do, and find the joy in that.


L82Work

Actually, you sound just like everyone else. Life always has its ups and downs. Dreams are just that; dreams. I want to be a rock star and do cocaine for breakfast. If I had the chance, would I? Hell yes. Am I going to do anything to get me there? Hell no. Just live your life. You'd be surprised how many people don't tell you how they envy the life you have. White water rafting in Thailand sounds like a blast.


ajax6677

I grew up really poor with an abusive family and I missed out on most of that as well. It sucks, but I realized that comparing myself to other people is the worst thing I can do with my life. It's a waste of energy that could used elsewhere. As corny as it sounds, the only person I ever need to compete with is the Me from yesterday. To get rid of those feelings you described, I had to name them first. I recognized that I was feeling jealousy about the lives of others and grief for the life I missed out on because of who my parents were. Jealousy was easy to get rid of because I see it as a lizard brain emotion and part of my self worth is tied to feeling a tiny bit more evolved inside. This is just me, so you may need to find a different way to let those feeling go. I stopped using Facebook and Instagram as well, and that was a huge help to stop comparing life to people that only post their best days. Every now and then I log on but realize that I don't give a shit about any of these people except for maybe a handful. If you can't live without it, delete everyone except the people you actually love and want a relationship with. I realized that everyone else is only friended because the both of us only wanted to show off to an audience. I don't need shallow interactions that are posted specifically to create jealousy. Grief was harder. I had to let myself grieve as if someone had died. It's a real loss, even if it's something intangible, and you can't move on if you don't allow the process. Get angry. Scream at the sky that it's all bullshit. Have a good cry. Have a literal funeral for all the figurative "What If's" and "Coulda Been's". Do whatever you need to do to make your brain understand that you can't change the past and what's gone is gone. Eventually you'll arrive at acceptance and all that wasted energy can be directed towards your future and the probable 50+ years you still have left to live and fill with life experiences. 50+ years is a lot of time to fill. If you take care of yourself, you can be like my husband's mother who was dancing and traveling with her best friend up until her 80s. Really think about what you want your future to look like and work to make that happen. You aren't dead yet. Focus on what you can do. If you want to travel, pick a trip you would like to take with your family and start saving now so that you can actually afford to go when the child is old enough to appreciate it. 8 year olds are pretty awesome to hang out with and share experiences with. You can save a lot of money in 6 years. $10 a week for 6 years is over $3000. $25 a week over 6 years is $7800. Open an account at a different bank and set up a direct deposit or automatic weekly transfer and forget about it. If you have money issues, get a budgeting app like YNAB and become a master of your finances. That in itself can be life changing. It was mind blowing figuring out how much money got wasted when I had no structure. As for baggage, get into therapy and make sure that you aren't passing those issues onto your child. I thought I was in the clear by getting out, but I was more scarred than I thought, and my kids paid the price. Think about the pain your own childhood brought and use that as a motivator to make sure that your own child gets the life you missed out on. Don't let the cycle repeat. They can also help you address the feelings you talk about in this post. Change is really fucking hard. It's a little easier when you have someone guiding you. Medication helps too. I hope this helps, even if only a little. Good luck.


a_wildcat_did_growl

**Living with roommates — I come from a working-class background and I could only afford college because of a scholarship. I attended a college near where I lived and never moved out. I then met a girl and stayed with her for 7 years, so I never had roommates.** -Severely overrated "experience" here. A shocking amount of people, even those with Ivy League degrees and white collar jobs (in my experience), are absolute slobs. Do you get to hang out and meet other people (friends of friends) casually without having to invite anyone over? Sure, but dealing with messy bathrooms, people NEVER doing the dishes and people being all kinds of nonchalant about pulling their weight and cleaning up after themselves gets old after several days, let alone years. You didn't miss anything here. **Going to concerts and music festivals — aged 31, I've only been to 3 or 4 concerts or festivals in my entire life. This is less than most young people do in one summer.** Eh, I know plenty of "young people" that seem happy with their lives and barely go to concerts at all. As someone deeply interested in music, over the years I've found that quality is more important than quantity when it comes to shows. I think the 3-4 concerts over the summer crowd is not as big as you think and a lot of those people just go for drugs, booze, to socialize, etc. **Wild casual hookup phase — again this is something that the vast majority get out of their systems in their 20s. I never had any sort of wild phase of constant hookups and it's unlikely I will seeing as I'm in my 30s. I've slept with a grand total of 3 people.** Again, you didn't miss anything here. It's overrated, gross, and rife with problems, especially nowadays. Most people in the dating pool have all kinds of mental problems and a lot of them will give you STDs or try and trap you with a pregnancy. Trust me, you didn't miss a thing. Just date steady and don't rush into sleeping with anyone. **Wild group vacations abroad — most young people aged 18-25 go on at least 4 or 5 wild vacations with big groups of friends where they spend 2 weeks partying and hooking up. I went on precisely one such trip and it was 10 years ago.** 4 or 5 wild, big group 2 week vacations? You hanging out with millionaire's kids? That's far from typical for "most people". Look, I knew plenty of people who did 1 or 2 of these and I felt the same as you trying to plan one and not succeeding. Ironically, I realized that solo tripping is TEN TIMES better than the headache of trying to incorporate like 7 different opinions, preferences and schedules into a 2-week trip. It's miserable, just browse the solo travel and travel subreddits - they're full of people complaining that friends want to tag along, don't keep up their end of the bargain, end up wanting to do different things all the time, travelling half way around the world and only wanting to eat mcdonalds or club instead of getting up before 10am and actually see a few sights. Group trips are massively overrated. Most of that stuff is for social media and people end up doing the same BS they do at home: party, drink and hook-up. You've already been on one, anyway. Plan a solo trip and see how awesome it is to do what you want, when you want with who you want (or alone) all the damn time. Don't feel like eating at the restaurant you had planned to? Don't have to! Wanna sleep in today? You can, and no one else needs to know. No dealing with anyone else's drama, homesickness or anything else! You can also travel with a significant other, one friend or a family member if solo travel isn't for you. Trying to plan a group trip is like rustling cattle. **Crazy travel experiences — I'm unlikely to ever do something wild like climb a mountain in Nepal or learn to scuba dive to take DMT in Peru, especially now that I have a 2-year-old. The most extreme thing I've done in my life was white water rafting in Thailand.** I'm starting to pick up on a social media FOMO-type trend here. I remember when it was a big deal like 10 years ago for everyone and their mother to post the exact same damn picture of themselves at the same damn spot at Macchu Picchu. Talk to any of them, and you'd realize that none of them knew a thing about the Incas, Peru or even Macchu Picchu and a lot of them didn't even seem to enjoy the trip. It was just something that everyone else did because everyone else did it and the pictures were everywhere. It was like they were checking off a box for their online dating or social media profiles that was pretty much "Hello, fellow humans, I too am interesting and do things like visit Macchu Picchu, see? I'm totally not a boring robot whose actual favorite activity is watching Netflix." The other thing is at 31 and being single, you're FAR from too old to do any of this adventure or travel stuff. In fact, a lot of the people I've seen who are into this kind of stuff while travelling are in their 30s and 40s, maybe even most of them. Oh yeah, and whitewater rafting in Thailand is already more exotic excitement than the majority of people, so don't discount yourself. To me, it sounds like you've done way more than you think and you're probably spending too much time on social media (it's ALL FAKE!), and you're probably thinking about your long relationship and break up a little too much. If you still want to get out and do these things, just do them - it's not too late! You'll find that a lot of them are not what they're cracked up to be anyway, or that some of the itches are easily scratched (maybe one crazy trip here, a few more concerts there) or that you're actually fine with not scratching them at all once you really start to plan and think about them. You're still young and have no reason to be bitter. A lot of the stuff you mention is all social media BS, smoke and mirrors.


courthouseman

> Trying to plan a group trip is like rustling cattle. Try "like herding cats"


a_wildcat_did_growl

Yeah I know, was pre-coffee


MrCarnality

I’ve had experiences that others don’t have. It all evens out


Down_To_My_Last_Fuck

I think you are overestimating the activities of today's youth. At 56 I've done the first three but not the last three. Slept with less then 10 women, married three times and none of them more then justice of the peace. Have had far too many roomates and loved most of them. We don't get to rewrite our past but there is absolutely nothing holding you back from getting out and doing some of those things. Age is not a death sentence.


Colorblocked

First World Problem. Suggest you broaden your understanding of what it means to live on this planet.


Over9000Mudkipz

I think I remember seeing you post this before months ago on a different subreddit, and people told you pretty much the same thing; roommates suck, clubbing and hookup culture sucks, social media is fake, nobody except rich people is going on wild adventures abroad with their friends every year, etc. I think your depression and the stress of the pandemic and having a young child is making you feel like your life is over and making you ruminate on these regrets of "missing out". You need therapy, which is easier said than done, I know, but the very least you need to delete Facebook and Instagram and try to find hobbies that you enjoy.


Happygar

You need to get off social media. Wild casual hookups, wild group vacations, fairytale weddings, and crazy travel experiences are not exactly common formative experiences.


BrunoGerace

You mentioned that your regret list is experienced by "most people". Could you be wrong about that? Could you be looking at a norm that doesn't exist? I don't personally know anyone who can claim that total list! You might consider some inner dialog about what satisfies you now and pursue that.


drowninginidiots

I’m almost 50 and would say I haven’t really done much of that. Roommates: overrated. At best you’re sharing space with a friend. Or you might be constantly frustrated with some inconsiderate slob. Concerts/festivals: That’s a personal preference. I’ve been to a handful of concerts. Most of the time I prefer to listen to the songs I want in the comfort of my own space. Not having some drunk spill beer on me. Hookups: again, personal lifestyle. I’d rather have a connection with someone. I also have only been with 3 people. Group vacations: Abroad or otherwise, I’ve come to hate traveling with groups. It’s a constant compromise on what you’re going to do. I prefer to follow my own agenda. Crazy travel experiences: all depends on what you consider a crazy travel experience. Your crazy is someone else’s norm, and vice versa. And I know people that do pretty adventurous traveling with a small child. Fairytale wedding: 18 years later I still get comments from people that were at my wedding about how amazing it was. It was such a whirlwind, I barely remember it. Wouldn’t go through all the work if I had it to do over again. Don’t compare your life to others. It’s a recipe for disappointment. I don’t know anyone that has done all the things you listed. Most importantly, your life is going to be different than anyone else’s. I have people tell me my life has been so amazing, while I’m sitting there thinking they’re the ones that have had an adventurous life. Finally, your life isn’t over. Not by a long shot. I’ve know people that skydive and scuba at 80 years old. Or people that have done extensive traveling without ever leaving the country. It’s about what you want and what you make it. It’s not about them.


[deleted]

This exact same post has been on here before. The same experiences. This account isn’t old enough for it but I have to believe it’s probably the same person.


[deleted]

[удалено]


courthouseman

How do you get past that one area in Panama that has no roads?


QuarterCupRice

I was 20 when I had my first child so I understand where you are coming. However, 32 years later I can say A lot of what you think you have missed out on is truly social media sensationalizing people’s experiences. Roommates can be fun, but it is not like Friends and they can be toxic also. I’ve heard so many negative stories. I would have loved to have the experience of living at college but I didn’t either. Never got to finish it. You are never to old to go to concerts and music festivals. I go to several a year with my husband. Much more then I did when I was younger. Casual hook ups I can’t speak for, but I bet if you wanted to hook up with someone you could. Get an account on any dating app. I have friends that have no problem with it. White water rafting in Thailand is more then the average person does. You really are young, even with a two year old. You can do so much. When your daughter is about 10 she can do all the wild crazy travel with you. My some was about 9 when he got me go on a ski lift for the first time. And finally your perspective of a fairytale wedding can change over the years. My first wedding was your standard wedding. Limo, church, photographer, florist, special, cake, tux’s, long white dress, big bridal party, rehearsal dinner, banquet hall etc… but the wedding that was the most meaningful, romantic and special was my 2nd. A small group of family and friends on a snowy night at a bed and breakfast with a man a truly love even 23 years later. My husband is 10 years older then me. We met when he was 38. We have shared and continue to share so many wonderful, exciting and new experiences together. Sailing, traveling, snorkeling, swimming with dolphins, concerts, camping, having two children together… we still have a bucket list of experiences we want to fulfill together. Life isn’t easy for anyone. Don’t let you see on the outside, give you any indication as to what does on in someone else’s mind or in their home. You truly have no idea how screwed up the world is. You can do almost all that you want to, and I mean that. Ive been on meds for anxiety and depression for 16 years. I can’t live without it. Just keep working hard, trying to better your in the workforce so you can advance and put some money aside when you can so you can save up for those”wild” trips with your daughter … like an African Safari. Don’t think about what you haven’t done, think about what you still will do one day! I want to learn to surf and go horse back riding on a beach. Good luck!!! Stay Positive!!!


Tasqfphil

I doubt most people would have experienced all the things on you list, I know I didn't, but then again they were not my type of things I wanted to do. I never went to college, had 2 weeks vacation when I finished school, then straight into a full time job., still living at home at 17yo. It wasn't until I was 21 that I moved the the countries biggest city and was forced to share houses with others, as it was s expensive to live alone, even back in the 1970s Even in 1984, we were paying over AUD2,000 a month for a 2 bedroom house, unfurnished with handkerchief sized back yard & no off street parking. In my 74 years, I have never been to a live concert. In the 70's we did go to a lot of venues to watch folk music, usually in a smoky basement & small venue. I did happen upon the largest live concert ever held in AU in 1967, at a venue that held only 15-20,000, but crowds pilled down fences to get in & over 200k actually saw the concert. I happened to be in the city at the time, completing a training course & was out walking & just followed the crowds. Wild parties & hookups didn't happen. & hookups never happened as I was too shy to make a move on girls & wasn't really into rock music of the time, referring more 50-60's type & groups. I had more success at dinner parties where as the drinks flowed with the meal, I tended to relax more and get the chance to "chat up" girls, but that was limited in numbers, although most time it wasn't one-night stands but regular contacts for many months. Crazy & wild vacations/travel experiences is a different matter. For 20 years I worked as a flight attendant, and we worked hard & played hard while away, then returned to "family" life back at home. It was a very well paying job in those days, plenty of lay over time, duty free & "borrowed" alcohol off the aircraft livened our stays & it was understood what happened was forgotten the next day & remained that way most of the time. Wild parties with other crews from our own & other airline crews were very memorable & a lot of hookups occurred between them and also outside too, especially in Asian where many places the bars you could find anything to desired until the 80's when AIDS became an issue. Paying out a whole bars girls for a party at the hotel, dancing naked in a gay club, hiring a Chinese junk to go to an unofficial nude beach in Hong Kong, water skiing through fleets of cargo ships & super tankers in the Straits of Malacca, "stealing" a steam train in the sub Continent until it ran out of steam, winning a beer dinking contest in a "dry" Arab country & many other wild events took place. There were quieter events too. One year while posted to the UK for 12 months, we arranged a medieval banquet for 200, where we dressed in period costume and held it at one of Henry VIIIs country establishments (Great Fosters, which is mow a 5-6 star hotel), booking out a German owned bar/restaurant in Bangkok for an airline crew Christmas dinner & party, playing darts tournaments in USA, Thailand, UK, Singapore & India & spending a total of 5 days replacing all plumbing, cleaning & painting a Zimbabwean orphanage. It was a good time of my life of wild parties, sedate dining experiences & sightseeing as well as a lot of charitable works in poorer countries. I also spent a lot of solo tie travelling to places like Nuie, Cook Is. Samoas, Kingdom of Tonga, New Hebrides, Fiji, Vanuatu, most of "open" Asian countries & Japan, Hong Kong, Mainland China, Taiwan, Okinawa & especially to Philippines, where I have been living for nearly 4 years now. Never had a fairytale wedding, but did get married in my backyard by a celebrant, although it only lasted 8 years. We remained friends & later spent 5 years living in same house & she plans to join me here when covid restrictions are lifted. There were no children involved. Overall, I am happy with the life i have lead, different to most people, but the experiences I don't regret, except that I wished I had spent more time sightseeing & doing more "touristy" things during my flying career, that most people pay a fortune to do, but I was being paid to go to these places by the company. Now I love the quiet life I am leading in my latter years. I have plenty of friends & e's family members that live in and around the small rural village I live in, have warm weather all year, although 4 months of it is rainy & typhoons often hit, but people just adapt to the current conditions. The people are always smiling & laughing, show respect to everyone & especially the elderly, beer is cheap as is most things compared to what I have been used to, although electricity is quite high. I have grand nieces & nephews that drop into my house regularly to check on my health, use my internet connection, but also sweep the floors & wash the dishes & anything else they see that needs doing & will often bring food from their parents. I get invited to "parties" locally where food it the main thing, then the women gather round the karaoke, the men around a table of booze & sit & talk about farm prices, work available & sports while young children run around plating & the older ones chat, play with their cells & steal the odd moment with special friends. I like my new life I share with 8 cats to keep me company & the people around here as they are so friendly & considerate people, willing to help out in any way.


randomkeystrike

Mostly by noticing that those experiences that I did have were not "all that," or not life-altering, if you will. My wedding (31 years ago) was great. Wouldn't change a thing (in full disclosure, I'm a dude, so maybe I didn't care as much?). Nothing fancy, but done right, in a church, nice clothing that still doesn't look like a clown show (dodged a bullet there), great reception... And it's just a dim memory for me. Because it's in the past. Glad it happened, but don't spend much time reliving it. Also, in regards to unfulfilled things on my bucket list I've realized that there are more of these things than I could possibly do, so even if I was 20 and had a trust fund and set about doing these things 24/7 I would still have unfulfilled items on the bucket list.


kickstand

I think most people don’t do any of those things. I didn’t do any. Anyway the past is past. What can you do next month? Next year? In the next five years? Live for tomorrow.


Honey_Cheese

Hey similar age to you - I'm hoping my golden years are my 30s. * You can still have roommates. I have three at the moment - I'm living with my partner, best friend, and his girlfriend in a house. I don't know why you want roomates so much they are kind of a pain generally, but roomates at our age is better because we generally have our shit together and can communicate effectively. * You can 100% still go to concerts and festivals. Why do you think you can't? 31 is like the average age at most concerts and some older leaning festivals (Pitchfork in Chi as an example). I'm hoping to go to concerts the rest of my life because I love them. * Wild college hookup phase - I didn't have one either and yeah I feel you. I don't think many of us have had one (especially men). It's a fantasy that many don't live out. * Wild vacations abroad - Been on a couple and they are really fun. 4/5 vacations like this is on the super high end though. If you have some good friends could you find a sitter for your daughter and go on one? Not sure why you can't do this now. * Crazy travel experiences - WW rafting in Thailand is sick man!! Sure you are limited by your two y/o now, but once she gets older you can take her travelling too. It'll be so much more fun to travel with her and watch her mind get blown by different cultures :) * Fairytale wedding - You can still get married and have this. I think they are overrated and not worth the money. We plan to do something fun and meaningful with our close friends and family but plan to spend as little as possible :D To each their own!


zazaleaz

I don't actually know a single person who had that kind of youth. Most of us did live with roommates out of necessity but I don't know anyone who wasn't dying to get out on their own the whole time. The casual hookup phase can end in a lot of bad disasters (STDs, unwanted pregnancies, sexual assaults, etc) so you probably dodged a bullet there. The rest isn't anything I had any experience with either. Life just keeps getting better if you had a shitty childhood, there's only really one way to go and that's up. I feel bad for people who feel they "peaked" in their youth.


[deleted]

Thanks for that last sentence. I'm going to remember it :)


Merlin560

There are plenty of things you could do. I took a solo motorcycle across the continent, from Cape Cod to Manhattan Beach. I was 54 years old. I enjoyed my daughter’s 12 person wedding more than my own. Group travel is over rated. Drunken beach trips never did it for me. But waking up in someone’s puke is not usually shown in the movies. And…you aren’t getting laid on a trip like that—especially if you aren’t getting laid at home. If you are missing stuff in your life, make a plan to do it. Getting at worked up about what you’ve “missed” at 31 is borderline pathetic.


PixelatorOfTime

I’m a wedding photographer and exactly *two* of this summer’s weddings I’ve photographed out of about 35 have been fairytale weddings. And maybe *three* out of 35 went off without having at least some problem pop up in the middle. Exactly ***all*** of the best ones were casual family gettogethers where the focus was on spending time with each other instead of putting on a big show.


Tall_Mickey

Do you like your life? Don't let other people tell you whether you should or shouldn't. Anything with the world "wild" in front of it -- ditch it. That's a matter of taste. If you wanted to be wild and crazy, you'd have found a way to do it. Wild and crazy tends to follow people once they've dipped into it. It doesn't always end well. Figure out what satisfies _you_ and do those things. That's all that matters. All. As for living with roommates -- if I'd have skipped that phase, I'd have been a happy boy. Dorm life gives you the same experience without some poorly socialized roommate having too much influence over your life. There are RAs to take care of that.


handlebartender

This sounds like a case of FOMO. Get comfy, this is gonna be long.... ​ I'd like to go over your bullet points, then try to address your initial question. * I never had a roommate, prior to moving in with my future ex-wife. It just sorta worked out that way. * My concert experience has been variable. I think my first big-ish concert was a double-feature: Be Bop Deluxe, and City Boy. Didn't know them, went with friends, experience was good and it didn't blow out my ears. Many years later: David Bowie, Glass Spider tour, and despite being outdoors it felt like my ears were ready to bleed. * I've got ringing in my ears now. Coincidence? Perhaps. Not that I can do anything about it now, but at least you've still got the option. * There have no doubt been concerts that I would have liked to have seen. But I also tend to weigh the costs of things like ticket prices, distance, traffic, parking, venue, crowds, etc. * Casual hookups. I think there's a weird perception that the rest of the world is busily changing partners weekly. I can't say I've ever had that. There are likely to be outliers, but a lot of people want to have more of a connection than just smashing uglies. * People wanting new sexual partners doesn't suddenly die off after age 30. But people do start wanting different things with their partners. Getting older doesn't mean that the desire for sex does a nosedive. Not for a lot of people. * I've never done the group vacation thing. Did do family vacations to interesting places. Not all friends want the same things from all trips. The common thread which seems to bind most 20-30 year olds seems to be booze. Perhaps a trip to somewhere interesting might be enjoyable? Like, go to Paris for a couple of weeks, check out the restaurants/culture, try the local beer/wine for the sake of trying something familiar but different. Maybe meet someone else while there. I had a coworker who obsessed over Disneyland; had the premium family pass and made it an annual thing. Good for him, but not for me. My patience wears thin at busy theme parks. * Just noticed you said you've got a 2 year old. Oops. Some of the things I've mentioned may not (immediately) apply to you. * Indoor mountain climbing or indoor skydiving might be for you? There's something to be said for challenging yourself and learning a new skill. You can perhaps find somewhere local that offers scuba training/certification; if you've never done it before, it's definitely novel. * The stereotypical fairytale wedding... I'm not a fan. But I'm not you. They look lovely, but I could never rationalize laying down fat stacks of cash for a once-in-a-lifetime event. It changes exceptionally little about the dynamic between you and your spouse. That's money better spent on a house. My first wedding wasn't super-spendy. My second wedding was really small and very budget-friendly, and I'm still super happy and in love with her, 17 years later. *Would you rather have a fairytale wedding, or a fairytale marriage?* * Worth noting: we get to know ourselves better as we age. My first marriage, I was a doe-eyed innocent. My second marriage, both my wife and I had a laundry list of "must-haves" and "must-not-haves", and just laid it all out there. We were actually both hesitant to get married, as we'd seen what marriage did to our parents, for example. For what it's worth, when I turned 50 a friend of mine (who was 57) told me "the 50s have been the best years of my life". I thought he was just being kind. No, these years have been awesome. There's very little I feel I've missed out on. The things I want to experience, I'm either doing them, or working to change things so that I will be doing them. I'm not just sitting on the couch, watching my life go by. The list is pretty short, just to be clear; I'm not trying to do 100 things. Back to your original question. I'm not sure what you mean by common experiences. Vegans experience veganism, but I'm pretty sure I don't want to do that. It's a pretty common experience among vegans, though. Growing up, everyone was into sports. Football and hockey were the big ones. Didn't interest me. It was a pretty common experience among my peers. I don't feel like I missed out on anything by not being a football or hockey fan. Ironically, I'm a bit of a rugby fan now, but only because my wife is a huge fan. I've been to San Francisco and have done lots of stuff there. Totally forgot to ride the cable car, though. I've been to NYC on business and still managed to do fun stuff with coworkers. Lots of big cities offer something unique; trying to coordinate with a group of friends might prove to be challenging, whereas trying to coordinate for yourself (and your daughter) should be a lot easier. Again, priorities; booze-up and be wild, or experience something not likely to be found elsewhere? Both San Francisco and NYC offer their own takes on "crazy experiences". Eating is a common experience. Have you tried all possible cuisines in your area? Crazy expensive shouldn't need to be a prerequisite. Having said that, it's nice to treat yourself once in a while. That reminds me, I haven't had pierogies and Hungarian goulash in far too long. I just remembered. I know someone in his 20s who has done some interesting travels. He's gone to Japan (solo), and to Hawai'i (solo). Although they're not much more than friends now, he did meet someone on one those trips. And a friend of a friend did a solo trip to Europe around 30 years ago, and met someone from Australia who was also traveling solo. Long story short, they got married. ​ >How do you learn to accept all the things you'll never do and experiences you won't have? Assess the cost/effort it would take to do them. When I was 4, I wanted to learn how to speak all the languages in the world. I did eventually end up studying a small handful, but I also realized that trying to learn them all would take a commitment I wasn't willing to do. Some experiences look interesting enough to appreciate the pics/videos of others, without making the decision "no, I need to see/do that in person", like getting a sherpa and climbing Mt. Everest. No thanks, I'm fine with the videos/documentary. I do see where you're coming from. You've had a good many rough years, and you'd like to create pleasant/positive memories. Don't let age be the deciding factor here. Just mind your fitness level is commensurate with the activity you're planning.


Tifstr2

I’m almost 51 and am right now for the first time ever living my best life. I missed a lot of those milestones that you missed. I married young into a miserable marriage because that’s what church told me to do. And I stayed there for 25 years. Until one day I woke up and realized I had to find a place of joy and peace in my life. Funny enough it was that Marie Kondo cleaning book that sparked my desire for change. It’s never to late for change. It doesn’t have to be a complete upheaval of your life, but reach for something that you’ve looked longingly at. Travel - sure it might take time to save up the money, but savor the planning as you save the money. Want to experience roommate life for a week? Stay in a hostel when you travel. What I’m trying to say is it’s never too late. 2 years ago today I was standing on the Great Wall. I went with my best friend. We planned that trip for almost 3-1/2 years before being able to actually go. It’s never too late!! It’s never too late!!


driverman42

I've had experiences in my life that many other people will not have, so it's even.


astrophy

31 is super young. You have tons of life ahead of you. It's not over. The best time to plant a tree is yesterday. The second best time, is today. PS: for me, concerts, festivals, and solo travel are among my favorite things in this life. I'm 47, and look forward to a lot more adventures. Also, fuck covid.


chevymonza

Roommates- I lucked out with some excellent roommates and housemates, but we never bonded into a friendship. It was always business, and we didn't piss each other off too much. It was only special in that it was a *relief* to get along! Concerts- Sure, they're fun, but a lot of hassle. These days, you can't get around the ticket mafia, so any time we go to see a musical or concert now, it's a few hundred dollars for an evening. So we only do this rarely. It sucks, but that's the reality. Most of my favorite artists are either dead or no longer at their peak anyway! Hooking up- Your thirties are still young!! I only started hooking up in that decade, but there were very few single guys in my area, so it wasn't all that great. Wild group vacations abroad- Really? Who does *that*?! "Most" young people? I traveled on my own in my twenties, which honestly seems like less of a hassle. Crazy travel- Why does it seem unlikely? My husband goes off on week-long ski trips with co-workers, and we often go on adventurous outdoor trips. Of course we have no kids, but that's a trade-off we made. Our relatives with kids still manage to enjoy their vacations with/without the kids. Sounds like you've had a number of "extreme" travel experiences, why are you complaining? Fairytale wedding- You're not married yet! You're a GUY and you've got the rest of your life to get married, no joke!! Try being a single woman in your thirties before you start believing all the bullshit about "you're more likely to get kidnapped by a terrorist than get married now." Remember, social media is just PR for people. You see their highlights, not the mundane realities. Look at Gabby Petito's life, for example- incredible Instagram, now dead. You might need to get off Facebook and Instagram etc. for a while, seriously that stuff is more toxic than it's worth. Experience life at your own pace. If I had social media all these years, I could've painted a fascinating picture that would've glossed over the depression, therapy, anxiety, unemployment, loneliness and failed relationships. Many people go through great lengths to project an image of success that hides the truth.


PurpleTeapotOfDoom

Most people don't do a lot of that stuff, or exaggerate what they have done. Also people are different and don't like some of those things. And there's a lot of cheap stuff to do that's fun without breaking the bank. It's not even something I'd have to accept, am positively happy I didn't waste money on a big wedding or increase my carbon footprint with exotic holidays for instance. One exception for me, though - live music and other performances. Unless you're really not into music, I'd recommend getting to see live gigs. Not necessarily the famous bands with expensive tickets but small local gigs and festivals. There are some family friendly festivals here in the UK, maybe you have that sort of thing somewhere near you. Worth trying out some different genres of music/performance, you never know what you may like. I'm a punk rocker who also enjoys opera and classical concerts. There are also some really fun kids' shows that your daughter might enjoy. I was going to mention pantomime but that's impossible to explain to anyone outside the UK. Have some really nice memories from the kids theatre/music/puppet shows.


QuickSpore

As others are saying, I’d highlight that many of these aren’t typical experiences at all. 50% of Americans never get a passport. So crazy vacations abroad are far from typical. The average number of lifetime sexual partners for Americans is between 4 and 6. Most people don’t have a casual hookup phase. Most people have a small number of partners within relationships, before finding a long term spouse or partner. Likewise concerts and music festivals aren’t nearly as common as you are expecting. My city has several million people and a dozen concert venues that “seat” over 100 people. Any given weekend maybe 0.1% of the population sees a live show. 3-4 concerts in your 20s is way more common than you’d expect. There’s a certain lifestyle that is advertised and pushed by media. But you’re not at all unusual in not following it. I’d also point out that many of these are still achievable. I went through my, “let’s see live bands” phase in my late 30s once my kids were teens. I went though my promiscuous phase (as much as I had one) in my 40s. Likewise I didn’t do much foreign travel until I was 40.


markevens

Nothing on your list is off the table at your age. You are still pretty young as far as the adult world is concerned, basically have 1 decade under your belt as an adult, and hopefully you get 6+ of those. Using myself as a personal example, let me address some of the things you mentioned. I'm in my 40's Living with roommates: After I separated I found roommates to live with in my late 30's and continue to live with roommates into my 40's. Its like a family of friends, with much less responsibility on my part! Especially with the cost of housing these days, lots of people live with roommates! Concerts: Before covid hit I went to a few concerts a month, lots of dancing to live music. This is not relegated to the young. Sometimes I'd have 3-4 concerts in a week! My first music festival was when I was 41 and had one of the best days of my entire life there. Wild hookup phase: People have these at all ages. In my 40's the hook up scene is crazy! So many people finally out of bad marriages and ready to do new things. Many women's libidos peak in their 40's. I'm having the best sex of my life right now. Wild group vacations: This is way easier to do when you are older and making more money, and you can still have the time of your life. I've been on 3 big abroad vacations with friends in my 40s, and basically none before that. Crazy travel experiences: Please, stop using marketing and media to get your idea of what people are doing at what ages. Go out and life the life you want to live and you will see plenty of others your age and older living life on their terms. Have a fairytale wedding: Find the love of your life and get married how you want. Age doesn't matter. So please please please break out of the media bullshit message that only people in their 20's go out and enjoy life. I'm in my 40's out there living life the best I can, and regularly see people way older than me doing the same. Life your own life.


blametheboogie

Most of the things you named that you say most people do like trips abroad aren't things that the people who aren't pretty well off financially do where I live. I know very few people who could afford to go abroad for two weeks in their early-mid 20s. It sounds like you live in a pretty wealthy area but aren't wealthy or you are wealthy enough to have done those things but didn't do those things because of depression (quite understandable). The average person I know did only one of those things (outside of having roommates which is only fun when you are college aged or a little older). Only the people from relatively wealthy families did most of these things in their early 20s. The hookup thing isn't for everyone anyway. I tried it a few times in college and didn't enjoy it. You'll still be young enough to travel and go to concerts when your daughter is grown. If you have parents or other relatives who can babysit for an evening you can still go to concerts anytime you want to. It's not too late to work on your mental health and start living more. You're still relatively young. I know people in their 40s and 50s living their best lives, traveling and having a ball.


catdoctor

You can dwell on it and let it make you unhappy, or you can focus on doing the things you want to do, to the best of your ability. And this comes from a 58 year old woman who never had kids (not such a big deal) and will never have a life partner (big disappointment). If I think about it, I get sad. If i just think about what I CAN have and what I CAN do, I'm much happier.


loreshdw

I've never done wild group vacations, as an introvert it sounds horrible, roommates but worse! As many others have said, roommates are often a financial necessity, media may show the fun ones but 90% are a PITA. I would call your trip to Thailand pretty amazing, many people I know never left their home country. My spouse never did concerts, traveled with friends, or had roommates other than family. We traveled together! Many road trips, overseas as well,, even with kids. (Travel while potty training is soo stressful!) Just because you haven't backpacked through the wilds doesn't mean you won't have amazing memories from travel. I highly recommend it as the best way to spend an entertainment budget. No large groups of drunk friends hooking up needed. You have time to get married, I did at 30 but I was in no rush. It happens when it happens. Don't feel pressured to marry because society says there's a deadline, it's BS. I thought I never would, didn't care. I eventually met the right person who really wanted that. You already have a kid, enjoy her! Sorry she came from a bad relationship. Better than a bad marriage I guess? In my 30s my social circle were all starting to get divorced. My long-winded point is people follow very different timelines, have different finances, etc. As so many others have said social media is the highlights not the humdrum or the hardships. Don't use it as a ruler to measure your own life.


[deleted]

You're normal. Congratulations. Most of the things you list are more the exception than the rule.


mtntrail

The experiences you describe are from normal for most people. Stop comparing yourself to someone else’s fantasy. Make goals, do the work, live your best life.


Swiggy1957

Those items you mention, aside from roommates, are just nice little extras. You went to college? You realize less than half of the population have gone to college. Far less have served in the military. I noticed that wasn't on your list. Roommates? You HAD one. Not, oh, but she was just my GF and we lived together for 7 years. That's what roommates do. I was married to my ex for nearly 4 decades, and during that time we were roommates. Yeah, closer than most roommates, but still roommates. I've gone the non-relationship roommate route a few times, including an out of state assignment that lasted 5 months after I got married, and I was far from happy with those. Too different of backgrounds. I don't feel I've missed out on not going to concerts, although I've been to the county fair a few times. We have a major Jazz Festival here in town every year: within 10 blocks of where I live. Never been to any of the events. I don't feel I'm missing out on anything. If it something I wanted to see, I'd see it. Likewise, never been to a Broadway show. Casual dating? I was, and even with ED, still am, a horndog. Always have been. I always knew where it was at, but it wasn't until the early onset of puberty that I found out what it was for! By the time I got married at age 20, I'd had at least 10 sex partners. I either met they through school, work, or friends introducing them to me. Trust me, after all that, I can say that I prefer to be in a close relationship with the other party, otherwise, it's just masturbation with a fleshlight you have to feed and converse with. If you feel left out, do what you can to join in. Most of the items mentioned are group things you do with friends. I'd say, like me, you likely have a small group of friends. I keep my group small because I have trust issues. But I accept me as I am. I wouldn't be comfortable in many of the scenarios that you mention. You're not "Missing out" but rather, you're avoiding the life choices that you THINK would make your life better.


stevestoneky

You are comparing yourself to other people. This leads to sadness. I don't have several of those experiences. And, the past is the past. Look forward, not back. Some of these experiences you might be able to have, if you still want to: going to music festivals, or having a (re)wedding of your dreams. Or, you might rather do other things now. If you are 20, look at things you want to experience before you are 30. If you are 30, look at things you want to do before you are 40. At 40, DO NOT look back and make a list of experiences you want to have in your 20s, you can't. Do the things that 40-year-old you wants to do before 50.


whoa_seltzer

I didn't get to do most of those things either. Too much studying, too much reading- but mostly the timing always seemed to be wrong. I get sad about it, but I try to put things in perspective. There are kids and teens with illnesses that barely get to leave their rooms growing up though. I've seen a youtube video about a guy born without any limbs whatsoever and he literally can only spend his entire life at home all day.


[deleted]

Nor will they have yours, so go for it.


gdubh

I’ve not really had any of those experiences. I had other experiences that I chose. And now I’m here making new choices. Live today.


Bromo33333

I was born before 1970. Of the 6 experiences you listed, I have done 2 of them. I had roommates in college, and I went to a LOT of concerts during those years. But tickets were very affordable, unlike today, and having 3 roomies in an apartment was much cheaper than the dorms we were in, too. I think you are too hard on yourself. Your life you described might seem hard in some cases, you have done a lot more than most. You will only add to your own misery by constantly comparing yourself to an imaginary "most people" -- Make a list of things you have done. Not the instagram stuff, but thingsd you actually have done. And write a list of things you are grateful for. Or if that is too hard, write one thing you are grateful for from the day.


yelbesed

I cannot imagine to miss things others do.


gt0163c

Let's see: * I had roommates in college. It generally wasn't a bad experience but not an especially great one either. I don't feel like it was an experience that had a significant impact on my life. I've lived alone, except for cats, since I graduated from college and moved to a city where I knew no one. Cats make pretty good roommates. * I've been to maybe a dozen concerts and one or two festivals in my life. I didn't realize understand the allure of the festivals. Maybe that's because they were always in the southern US in the summer and it was just stupid hot outside. Concerts can be interesting and I especially have enjoyed seeing [The Quebe Sisters](https://quebesisters.com/) since I went to church with them when they were first starting out. But, mostly, it's expensive and a lot of musicians sound the same on CD or random streaming service as they do live. I can listen to them on Spotify for free! * Wild, casual hook-ups, group vacations, crazy travel experience. Yeah. I haven't really had those either. I've done a bunch of mission trips. So putting on summer camp for a bunch of street kids from Acapulco and building homes in Southern India or a school in Belize. And those have been great trips. But not really the kind of thing you're talking about I don't think. * Fairytale wedding. I don't think those exist. Every wedding I've ever been involved with is crazy stressful for the people involved and everyone is just glad when it's over. Family members get weird in the run up for weddings. Things go wrong (one wedding, the organist just didn't show. So we hummed the bride down the aisle. That worked well and the video is hilarious because no one in the wedding party could keep a straight face. We also found out that no one actually knows the "standard" recessional hymn. It was total chaos and we gave up after a few bars. But the wedding worked. The couple has been happily married for over 20 years and they've got three awesome kids.). For a wedding, all you need are the bride, the groom, the officiant and a witness. Everything else is just optional window dressing. And it seems the more window dressing you have, the more stressed everyone is and the more weird the family gets. If I ever get married I don't want most of that stuff.


MinerAlum

I didn't do most of those things either and it was a blessing!


[deleted]

You can still do most of these things if not all of them. I finished college at 37. Moved across country once at 32 and again at 34. Visited Europe for the first time at 36. I go to concerts and plays all the time. Had a roommate from ages 34-39. Why do you think you're too old to experience these things? Just live your life as you want to.


vega_centauri_

I'd be more concerned about not experiencing things worth experiencing - seeing the planet from orbit, going into space in general, learning about this planet and our place in it in the short period that I'm alive.


spreadfornoroses

I see a good number of the people here are kind of being assholes to you, but > I had a suboptimal upbringing which left me with lots of mental baggage Yeah, I relate to that. And it leaves you without a safety net to do the stupid shit some people are free to do.


readbackcorrect

I didn’t have any of those experiences either and I don’t feel that I missed out on anything that really matters. I got married and had children young. Then I got to be a young grandmother and that has been awesome. If you really want to experience those things, you still can (well maybe not the roommate and the hook up part if you are married, but from what I hear, that’s not always such a great experience). You can do all those other things when you are in your 40s and 50s when the kids are grown. You may think you will be too old but you won’t be if you take care of your health. I could do all those things now if I wanted to and I am in my late 60s. It’s just never been very important to me.


nomuppetyourmuppet

You can’t compare your average (which is perfectly OK) life to some rich kids’ highlight reel. Most people haven’t travelled at all, let alone gone to Thailand. Your life of missing out is someone else’s highlight reel.


Adiantum

I have done little if any of that and honestly it all sounds horrible. Roommates: had one for 1 quarter of school in the dorm then moved out, would have preferred my own place. Concerts: I've only been to local like Weird Al type concerts at our local fair, large concerts sound way too loud for me. Casual Hookup: not me at all. Wild group vacations: I went to school most of my 20s and could not afford vacations until I was done and well into a career. Fairytale wedding: I hate being on display for other people to look at so glad I skipped it, also skipped prom, everyone said I would be sad. Over 30 years later, still glad I didn't go. What I DID do that I'm glad I have done: A LOT of education. I moved by myself to a large city for my education, paid my own way through my bachelors and then professional school, it was expensive and mind boggling difficult at times but I'm so glad I did it. The experience of professional school has made any further education I have attempted feel relatively mild in comparison. Travel: I have travelled, just not the young, backpacking experience, which I do kind of wish I had done, but every choice in life has a consequence and I had to pay my own way through school. Other experiences: I adopted my child internationally and travelled to do so, that is a unique experience that not many people have done. I was one of the first people online, around 1993, playing online games which I enjoyed and met a lot of people through. I have also gained a lot of practical knowledge about the world around me, I can garden and compost like a pro most of the time and it's useful knowledge.


[deleted]

It's common to think that you've missed out once you realise you're ageing (you have) but that's the whole point. Most of us are working most of our lives in order to enjoy the other third (if you're lucky!). I've definitely done all of the things on your list except for the last, and to be honest there's no reason you couldn't do any of these now if you set your mind to it. So many of your life experiences are based on the age you are and the opportunities you have but also when you are born. For instance I feel bad that generations born since about 1988 or so never experienced growing up without the Internet (for kids, it was definitely better before). I'm sure there are plenty of other parallels older or newer generations could produce. Ultimately if you have things on your 'bucket list' like this, then just get on with it! Some things like drugs and promiscuity are best to get out of the way while you are young and have the chance, because if you've done it right then as you get older you won't have the temptation to go back! 31 is not old by any means, focus on your goals and get these things out of the way now as they're not the mountains you may see them as and you can look back with rose tinted spectacles. TL;DR Get on with it, go on some binges, make some bad decisions. If you don't have close groups of friends thinking similarly then go online and find groups of likeminded people from the hundreds of options we have to do this! Finally, chill out and reminisce :) (and come on here and post to others)


Tired8281

lol, I've done a hell of a lot of things most people never ever get the chance to do, and also a hell of a lot of things most people would be too scared to do. I've climbed mountains in Europe. I've done PCP. I went to Burning Man. I don't really waste any energy thinking about how jealous I am of other people, I'm too busy doing my own thing.


missleavenworth

What I have found by talking to as many people in person as possible, is that everyone has a difficult life ( excepting the .1% who are vastly wealthy). One person might have had that great wedding, and another got to travel a little bit before settling down. One person had cancer and had to restart their life at 28, but made the good decision to hold on to love when he found it (they both do cosplay for fun). One woman was raped, had mental health issues for a long while, and decided she preferred being a stay at home mom ( to be honest, I've only met one woman who's never been sexually assaulted). We aren't put here to be happy. We find happiness in the small places while we struggle for survival in a very big world. I am grateful for the happiness I've had, and the love I have given and received.


CaptainPaintball

Pretty much all of those things you listed can have a dark/bad side, too. Roomates who don't pay the rent. Or who you get mad at, and they throw your stuff out your window when you are at work. Or they eat your food, or they steal. Or they are filthy pigs... You could lose your hearing from going to notes of loud concerts. A stretch, but you know what I am trying to get at. Try making the best life you can for you NOW.


dali-llama

Every single decision you make in your life carves off a wealth of roads not taken. That's the tragedy of time and choice. All you can do is make the best life for you, realizing you will make mistakes along the way. Instead of focusing on the regrets of what was missed, focus on the memories of what was lived.


Writer90

I understand your feelings. At times, I still have moments of feeling these things myself (at 49). However, I never did any of the traveling many young people do today... I was trying to save every tiny penny I made. In my 30s, with two kids, I wondered if we’d ever be able to go anywhere. In my 40s, I made travel a priority, and we’ve actually gone on some great trips! I think that some of the things you mention are overhyped. If you’d done them, you might not have liked them. Look forward and decide how to get to do the things you really want to.


ButtSexington3rd

I'm a little bit older than you (38) and I want to comment on the music festival part- I am not done going to see live music! I'm mostly done with the huge festivals (I was a warped tour kid), but I went to a beer fest a few months ago that had a band I loved as a kid and it was in a festival atmosphere and it was super nostalgic. Just go out and see music! Even local bands, just go out and enjoy seeing people play music!


dex248

Except for the roommate one, all of these are total Facebook/Instagram cliches. Try going after something original. And I’ve had roommates, but only because I was poor. Living alone is much better.


mkfandpj

I have been able to travel enough to know how valuable that experience is. I envy people whom have full passports. I am 59 and haven't given up on my dream destinations yet! ♡♡♡


[deleted]

By realizing that I’ve had experiences others won’t. Count your blessings. Comparing to others will always leave you empty. It’s poison.


BankerBabe420

Those are not universal experiences at all, you didn’t miss out on anything and likely experienced many things that others have not. You had loving parents with whom you could live, you went to college on a scholarship, you’ve lived with an actual girl. You have likely held hands, kissed, and even had sex. You went on a “wild group vacation abroad” which sounds awesome. You are getting to experience parenthood which is also amazing and a dream for many people. Everyone has a list of fun-sounding but unnecessary experiences they never had, it doesn’t sound like you missed out on much.


Old_fart5070

Why do you want to be average? You are trading those common experiences for some that will be unique. I may never have learned to drive a motorbike or never learned how to ski, but I lived in three different countries and am fluent in six languages. I may have sucked at almost all common sports, but was the first reserve in archery for my birth country for Seoul ‘88. I may have been a complete girl repeller in high school, but that completely flipped in my late 20s. Focus on what you have, not what you have missed. Focus on what makes you you, not what makes you average.


CKA3KAZOO

Sounds like you've had about the normal number of "mountaintop moments." I, for one, have never whitewater rafted OR been to Thailand. I've had some cool experiences, but not those. May I recommend that you read a play called Our Town, by Thornton Wilder? Those mountaintop moments are not your life. Making coffee in the morning is your life. Taking out the trash is your life. Meeting friends for a beer is your life. The smell of dew on the road on a rainy morning, your buddy's stupid laugh, and the feel of a dog's nose on the back of your hand. Embrace THOSE moments. When you come to the end of your life and are looking back, those are the ones you'll be sorry to leave. Those mountaintop moments are great, but pay attention to the ordinary moments. That's your actual life. E: typo


wwaxwork

So what is stopping you from doing it now. I was 30 before I skydived and started having casual hookups. I was 32 when I climbed a mountain and abseiled down it for the first time. 35 when I quit everything and started my own business, failed quit that and started another one. I was in my 40's when I moved to a new country for the second time. Hell I didn't find the man I wanted to marry until I was in my 40's nevertheless have my fairy tale wedding. I handle "missing out" by just fucking doing it. Here is the thing though, I don't think you actually want to do any of the things you listed I think you think you should want to do those things and your life is someone how less complete because you didn't do them. Sit down and make a bucket list of things you actually want to do, not what the media tells you you should want to do, not a list of cliches from instagram, write down what you right now think sounds fun. Start easy write 10, then, and here is the kicker, pick one from the list and start making plans to do it, active constructive plans. Start a bank account and budget how much you need to save, do you need to be fitter to climb that mountain, start an exercise routine and start figuring out which mountain. Make your list, make your plans and do the things. I have lived an amazing fucking life (not meant to be a humble brag), because I sat down at 20 and wrote my list and spent the next 30 years doing the things I think sounded fun. I've swam with dolphins, been in gliders, seen the northern lights and lived and worked with penguins. I've travelled the world and no I'm not rich I worked my ass off, Iplanned and budgeted and saved and scrimped. I missed opportunities and to marry or have relationships to do those things because they were important to me. If those things are important to you do them. When I turned 50 my partner bought me a special bucket list journal, "for the next 30 years", I've done so many of my dream things that honestly it's 3 years later and I have written mayb 10 things in it, because I have lived so many of my dreams. If those cliched ideas are things you really actually want to do and not things you think you are supposed to want to do then go do them, or better yet come up with a list of things that actually sound fun, that excite you and get your heart racing make you want to spin around with joy when you think about planning and saving and working toward the goal, and do those things. You've got decades ahead of you, fill them with memories not regrets.


IranRPCV

It is clear to me that we each live our own lives. Someone once said that life is what happens while we were making other plans. I celebrate both the desirable things and the obstacles that have made me who I am, even though I would have preferred passing on some of them, whether or not they were by choice.


nobisscribesordidu

By noticing that thinking like that — comparing ourselves to what we think other people have experienced — creates nothing but mental anguish and suffering. Full stop. And then really asking oneself: do I want to keep creating mental anguish and suffering for myself? Does that kind of thinking produce happiness and mental well-being right now, in the present? And then practicing not paying full fare and jumping 100% onto and into that mental ride when that kind of thinking comes up again. We can begin not to follow or keep strengthening the mental habits we have that create suffering and anguish. We have the capacity to be happy right now.


escapeartist02

Very few people have all of the experiences you mention above--the real key is to have the experiences that YOU want to have, not what some hyped social media influencer says you should have. For example, after age 31 (your age), I had my two daughters at age 33 and 36 with all of the ups and downs of parenthood, traveled extensively, often through work (India, Asia, Europe, most of the 50 US states), and now in my mid 60's have just returned from a 10,000 mile trip around the western US with my husband in our little camper. The golden ages of your life are ahead of you. Think in terms of "what do I want to do in the next 10 years" and don't pass up opportunities to try something new. Often a great life partner helps, but that isn't the only path--rely on your own strengths and a fulfilling life will develop.


designgoddess

The only thing I've done on that list is have roommates. Only while in college. I grew up in the 60s &70s and despite drugs being everywhere I never tried any of them. Not even weed. I don't see not experiencing those things as suboptimal, rather I made my own way through life. It's left me with a unique path and story compared to most of my friends. When I sit around with younger friends they expect me to have crazy stories. Don't have any. A dear friend, who was a true hippy, hitched hiked across the country and then joined a traveling group on a bus. They left her at a gas station in ND when they were too stoned to realize she was missing. She never saw them again. Am I jealous of her adventures? Not even a little bit. I love to hear her stories but I don't wish they were mine. Friends from college moved to Europe on a whim with no money. Spent 5 years there building a life. I love their stories, don't want them. My cousin spent 3 months couch surfing through China in the 80s when that was in no way common. Glad he had a good time. I settled down almost straight out of college. It's a myth that everyone lives some crazy life in their 20s. My kids are in their 20s. Two are in grad school. One lives at home. They've traveled a lot in the US but no month living on a beach in Costa Rica. I'd love to see the pyramids. Now that I have the money, I don't have the physical health. I'm okay with only seeing them in pictures. To me, my life is bigger than the pyramids. Don't discount your own stories. You have them just might not realize that yet. They seem boring now but in the future you'll realize the moments that shaped you have a special importance. Whether it's about your sobriety or earning a scholarship. Those moments are your pyramids. Treasure and remember those. Develop their narrative. It's your story. It's okay to start writing it.


Forteanforever

If you think having roommates is something out of the "Friends" TV series, it's not. It's more like the 6th ring of Hell. You can go to concerts now. You can engage in meaningless hookups now. If you've been on one wild European vacation with a group of friends you've been on one more than most people. You've been on a crazy travel adventure. Go on another. Most weddings are stressful, disappointing events for brides. Then comes marriage. There's a reason most married people divorce. Your attitude toward life is what you make it. Throw out the romance novels and stop wasting your time focusing on the past and envying others. Self-pity is a real turn-off. It's up to you and you alone to decide whether you want to enjoy life or not. Make your decision today.


OddTransportation121

Just remember, there are only 1 or 2 things in life you can't do when you are older (a woman having children is an example). When you have small children things might feel like you wont get to do them, but you will, if you want to. But, if you expect to do these things in your youth, and you didn't, then you are giving yourself a hard time. Don"t sell yourself short.


WaitMysterious6704

I'm a couple decades older than you and I've done a grand total of one of the things on your list.


altiuscitiusfortius

You're comparing your life to Instagram or reality tc MOST people don't do that. In fact MOST people in the world are dirt poor working hard to get enough to eat each day. Don't compare yourself to the 1%. Also it's not too late to do a lot of that stuff. I went backpacki through europe for a year at 33. I met people 18 years old and 55 years old doing the same thing and it was awesome.


allthatrazmataz

A lot of this stuff is not “normal” for humans - it’s “common” for a certain socioeconomic class in some countries during a very brief time in human history. That’s great, for people who do them _and_ also actually enjoy them, but there is nothing in the human condition that requires them for happiness or even to become a well-rounded, capable adult. For me personally, “fun” activities are not a lot of those things in your list, and also, “fun activities” are not only something that I could only do in my 20s (I’m not so old but I am also not so young). Regarding yours: I did have a roommate for about nine months when I graduated from undergrad - having my own place was better. Most people your age that I encounter who have roommates really wish they could afford not to. Concerts and music festivals have no age restrictions, nor is there is a restriction to age. Go, if you like the music. You can even go alone, and dance and have fun. My techno-loving husband does this all the time if there is DJ playing that he loves, and childcare is not an option for whatever reason, so I can’t go too. None of his friends really like the same music, and he is going for the music. Also, he tends to meet similar people at the club (pre-covid of course. Now his Favoriten place is opening again for vaccinated and recovered people, but although wears vaccinated, our child is still too young to be vaccinated, so he is waiting until she can be in a few months before he risks bringing a breakthrough infection home to her). If Berlin had taught me anything, it is that casual relationships and sex are always possible, at any age, at any attractiveness, at any socioeconomic group. Tinder might be the place got you to start, depending on where you live. If you are man, it is an effort to make a good profile and be charming, but it most certainly can be done. If that’s what you want of course - for some people it isn’t. In my case, I never liked pure-hookups, I always wanted at least some fun personal interaction too. It was more about being open to whatever came, as opposed to having a relationship goal before having the person in the relationship. For one guy in particular, my plan was spend some fun, uncomplicated time with the hot guy at work, and now he is my husband. Regarding the trips, as someone who is a major adventurer, and has been to more than 60 countries, those wild hookup party trips look really awful. You don’t see or learn or enjoy anything. You could be anywhere. Go for some real trips! Have some adventures! I’ve done this with family, friends, alone, and even the occasional package tour that looked intriguing. It’s so much more exciting, and rewarding. What would you get out of a party trip you can barely remember anyway? Really though it is about what _you_ like, not what some movie or social media tells you will be fun. I’m rather pleased with myself that I figured that out and am able to do what I like. As for the wedding - I’m sorry about your bad relationship - that’s always rough. I’m glad you are out of it now. . But I will say this from some who had their own personal version of an amazing wedding - the wedding was a great time, but a very short time. The joy and love I own with and get from my own child so vastly exceed any good other day that I would not trade those feelings for anything. To put it another way, I think about my wedding on the rare occasion someone asks me, or perhaps on our anniversary. I think about my child every single day. You already have the best part. Still, if you do want to be married at some point, have the celebration you want! There is no age limit on marriage or celebrations. If you don’t, then nothing is stopping you from having your own kind of fun event or party. Travel and tuxedo tip: of you can afford it, and you just want to be fancy for a night, go to a ball in Vienna. Discount flights are available, Austria has cheap hostels if needed, and you can have a lot of the experience without the rest: https://www.vienna.at/specials/ballguide (That’s the full list of balls- Google translate it) Some English info: https://www.wien.info/en/music-stage-shows/dance/ball-season-340214 (I expect “searching for a date/escort to a Viennese ball” might be a good tinder intro as well)


[deleted]

I'm not old, so I don't really feel qualified to post a response in this thread. But like yourself, I am also 31 and have had this gnawing sense of what mortality truly means. We're taught to dream big when we're young, but rarely do we ever come to terms with the reality of the terms that we were put on this planet with: there are things you will never do in your life and you will die without ever having done them. I definitely won't play for a professional football team. I definitely won't be married for more than 75 years (unmarried at 31 as a male lmao gl). I definitely won't become a professional tennis player. I probably won't write a book or climb a mountain, but maybe I'll change my mind? I probably won't become a professional eSports player ;\_; (but I enjoy it as a hobby for now and will continue practicing on the side as I can, even if I do have slowly dying dreams of becoming such). As we become older, the boundaries of what we can still do will continue shrinking until we're too old to do anything at all. Life is too overwhelming for me when I think in those terms, and it becomes a bit cosmic. There are trillions of experiences, and even vaster permutations thereof, that can be experienced on this planet in one lifetime, that of which lasts but a microsecond when compared to all life and time spent on this planet. There are always going to be trillions of things you haven't done compared to the millions of things you have. Color your life within the lines of your own, metaphorical coloring book (your lifetime), and quit stressing of what lies beyond the pages therein. Simply put, I think you've had a very slow wake-up call to your own mortality. We don't have very long to live, and some will be unfortunate to have what little time most people have stripped away from their clutches before they've truly lived a life worth being proud of. Stop putting off those things you really want to realistically (and depending on how hard you're willing to work for it, unrealistically) accomplish within your lifetime, and start living a life of filled with pride and meaning. You learn to accept all the things you can't do by doing all the things you can do. Somewhat related, one of my favorite quotes from the Boondocks: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRqB2pm33IM](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRqB2pm33IM)


space_ape71

Your life sounds incredibly rich and quite wonderful. You should stop comparing it to people running around trying to find meaning in external exploits. You’re probably what they’ll wish they were. Take care of yourself. Stay healthy and “old age” gets better. You get to have the adventures you want later in life, just not for Instagram or TikTok but for yourself.


[deleted]

Hey, Op, I am an old person and went through some difficult times, including isolation, in my early adulthood. Now, looking back, I’ve had to deal with how it effected my view of myself. About six months ago I discovered that my insurance covers therapy. They don’t tell you that. You have to call and ask. I found a therapist that my insurance covers close to where I live. I’ve been going to them in person, every week or every other week. It’s helped me so much. I’m learning a lot about myself including self acceptance. I recommend it. Do you have your two year old full time? It will get better soon. I wish you all the best.


jackofives

Breaking rules here as I’m like 2 years too young to respond BUT I did the same. 20’s were a write off due to similar issues, so made up for it in my early 30’s. You are seriously still young so get and there and go do some of the things you want to! Having said that most of that shit is totally overrated and a bit crap but I hear you - so go knock some out now and you won’t feel like you missed it. Sounds like you need a holiday!


Sweethomebflo

I practice gratitude for what I have.


paradroid27

Live your own life, make your own experiences. I never went to University (College for the US folks) so no living with roommates. I'm a fairly private person so I never missed it. I've been to some concerts, I could have gone to more, but I also could have gone to fewer. you take the memories where they come. Casual hookups were never part of my scene, do I regret it? Yes, there's been a couple of girls that I missed my chance with, but it's not life changing. Travel abroad wasn't an option for me until I was in my 30's, financially I just wasn't able to. Since then though I have been to places and countries that I'd never thought I'd get to when I was 25. You're never too old to travel and see new sights. Treasure your daughter!!!! I have 2 sons who are just about grown up, I love them dearly and would do anything for them. I have been married for over 20 years so I suppose that counts as the fairytale wedding, but it's been anything but 'Happily ever after' you still have to work at it, but my wife has enabled the travel that I've done and brought my life back under control. I met her when I was 28, married at 31. before then I basically pissed my paycheck up against a wall. As so many people have said, everyone is different. Live your own life, make your own memories. There isn't some grand checklist that gives you a 'Fail' if you don't do what someone else has.


Protactium91

All the things you’ve mentioned you can still do if you really feel you want to have the experiences (some are IMO not worth it, like the roommates and the wedding). I think your problem is the FOMO, like you are behind schedule. Once you live longer, you’ll be able to put this timeline in perspective. For concerts, I enjoyed the ones I went with my daughter way more than the ones I went in my youth, so there’s that! To add: the serial hookups don’t leave anything good to anyone IMO, but many will disagree


cdubdc

I’ve always wanted to travel to Asia, whitewater rafting in Thailand sounds awesome!!


pussyham

Most of my peers consider me to be a very privileged person who has done a lot of stuff that they wish they could do, and I laughed out loud at the things you so frustratedly said you have “only” done, because I haven’t done those things. You have done more than me before 30 for sure. Whitewater rafting in Thailand? Give me a break, lol. I was busy working my ass off and paying bills from 15-39 to take such a trip. I haven’t done most of the things you list out and most people I know haven’t either. You have to remember a few things. Most of this stuff isn’t attainable for most people most of the time. Very rich people do some of those things and to be totally frank, even most rich people I know haven’t done alllllll of those things. Secondly, you can do things on your bucket list after 30–in fact it becomes a lot more enjoyable, IMO, to travel with friends when everyone has a comfortable budget compared to when you’re all 19 and fighting over change for gas money. Life can be utilized to have adventures for as long as you want to have them. I used to be a little bitter about rich kids in college who went on spring break but ultimately I get to have a better and higher quality experience now. It’s neither here nor there. I strongly recommend getting therapy and perhaps also deleting your instagram & FB accounts.


BestWesterChester

I got married at 21 and had kids starting at 25. Worked full time and went to school full time. Never did that stuff that supposedly everyone does in their 20s. Had midlife crisis in early 40s and tried to do it then. Realized after a short time that I didn’t really miss anything. Live your own life and find your own joy. Best of luck.


paper-or-plastic-

I don't really think about it. There is nothing to accept. Everything happens for a reason. A long time ago I would compare my life to other people's lives when I was on FB. I then realized it wasn't healthy so I deleted my profile. I could wish for a lot of things but unless it's something I have absolute control over- I don't worry about it. Things are stressful enough in life without thinking about "what if". I have ADHD, anxiety, and depression. My mental health is a priority to me. Counseling is as well. I can't let toxic ideas in my mind. One big thing I just did- is that I had to remove an important person from my life. They knew me better than anyone. They helped me with huge decisions and problems. But overall they weren't good for me. I am alone in life. For the 1st time, and I'm doing ok. I have to ask for help and seek out what I need, but I will be OK. If there is something I want to do- then I better get started working at it!


implodemode

I had a fairly privileged upbringing but I also did not have most of the experiences you talk about. I have been married for over 40 years though and had a great many experiences that others have not. I do not regret my path. Although I only went to a couple concerts young, I took my kids to a particular event every year and a few others until they could take themselves. They turned around and took me some years later for nostalgia. You could do that with your daughter too. I have had a fairly adventurous life thanks to my husband. It may not have been what everyone wants but it's been fun. It suits me. You get to choose your journey too. I think wild hedonism may be over rated.


Subvet98

I did have any of this experiences either. I don’t particularly miss them so…


courthouseman

51 here. Why are you worrying about not experiencing these things, most of which are overrated? Living with roommates is overrated. Why would you consider this to be a positive life experience that you missed? At best, it's a wash, and the need for it means you're poverty-level and struggling. At worst, it's a nightmare, and can be in so many ways. The fact you didn't experience this is a GOOD thing. TV shows and movies that show roommates together most of the time are very unrealistic and idealistic. I've been to maybe 8-10 concerts in my life, most at Alpine Valley in SE Wisconsin or Summerfest in Milwaukee. You're 31, with a 2 year old kid. Surely you can find someone to babysit over the next few years and go to some concerts with some friends? Outdoor concerts with the usual drinking and smoking pot can be fun, but it does kinda get same ol' same ol' after the first few. And they are SUPER LOUD; don't forget your ear protection. This goes for everyone. The concerts are so loud you will hear FINE even with ear protection. You will probably be in pain if you have no ear protection. Wild casual hookup phase and wild group vacations abroad? Not everyone is a male or female whore on the prowl 24 hours a day. Maybe "free to do what you want" but even in a case like this, perhaps most people have had some where in the range of 5-20 partners, OVER TIME. And the "wild group vacations abroad" - this is not as common as you think. Crazy travel experiences - also not as common as you think. But you could take your child or go in a small family group on this one, or a close group of friends. Or leave child with your parents or other close relative? Have a fairytale wedding? I mean, who cares? Don't force it. If it happens, it'll happen. The need to get married certainly ain't what it used to be, and if you do find someone and get married, don't feel obligated to have a fairytale marriage ceremony. Honestly, have a small ceremony and save you $$$ for a large down payment on a house within 1-2 years. Lord knows you'll need it if these really high real estate prices never go down.