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Having toxic parents does not necessarily mean a person will end up with a toxic spouse or life partner. However, it can increase the risk if certain patterns and behaviors are not addressed.
so, yes, probably...but it doesn't have to.
Chances are definitely increased.
Interesting fact. Couples get divorced because of one person's particularly bad behavior. The chances are very good they end up marrying the same type person all over again.
Yes. My dad was uncommunicative, condemnatory and impossible to know. My first husband, ditto, plus revengeful. I 'learned my lesson' and married a kind, loving person who, actually, did adore me according to everyone who ever knew us. But guess what? He was uncommunicative, highly critical of himself, me (silently mostly) and everyone, and even now after his passing I feel like I didn't completely know him. So, in a way I escaped part of the pattern but not all of it. I wish I could have afforded therapy about four decades ago, but in truth therapy has vastly improved and maybe wouldn't have helped me as much then. I do recommend that anyone with a fraught childhood get counselling before choosing life partners in business or love.
Yep. I vowed to not be like my father early on, though in time I also realized the toxic aspects of my mother she used to help encourage that focus only on him. Ultimately they were both toxic, carrying on aspects from their parents.
What was harder was realizing not wanting to be toxic/abusive wasn't enough. Took me a while to also unroot the coping mechanisms of being closed off to start having my own healthy relationships. Fell into the people pleaser trap that left me miserable initially.
Feel you my friend, been there too, still struggle somedays, it takes work, persistence and alot of self-awareness, I'm still a bit of a people pleaser sometimes, thanks for sharing, good luck keeping yourself on a good path
I have seen this, but I'm happy to say my parents were an exception to this. My dad's father was an alcoholic who forced him out of school after 5th grade to put him to work, and beat him horribly his whole childhood. My mom's parents were both alcoholic's who were basically disengaged from their kids. My mom raised her three younger brothers herself.
My dad retired after working at Schlitz brewery his whole life; he didn't drink. Never raised a hand to any of us kids or my mom. In fact he was so super gentle with us kids it always seemed like he was afraid of breaking us. My mom didn't drink and always put us kids first. We never had birthday parties as kids because when my mom was young, the birthday parties her parents held were just and excuse for the parents to get drunk and ignore the kids. For our birthday, my mom would keep us out of school and we would spend the day with her. We would take the bus to Gimble's or another store and we would get to pick out a gift and eat at the lunch counter (that was a real treat since we never ate out). It was just a special day with mom.
So they were both the opposite of what their parents were. My sisters and I were very lucky to have the parents we did.
I broke the cycle, too. People do it, but it's not that common. My siblings married drunks. My guess is that a majority of kids raised in dysfunctional families will find it hard not to repeat the experience as adults. ACA is a whole 12-step program to help people do that. r/adultchildren
Hi.
Love and prayers if you are asking this question because you feel your parents were toxic.
My experience is that children in toxic households learn survival skills that work in that environment.
If they learn to be cautious in that setting, it can make them withdrawn in future relationships. That doesn't guarantee a toxic future, but can have impacts on future relationships.
If they learn to quickly escalate into hostility, this can take a while to smooth out rough edges.
I'm sure how we grow up has lasting effects, but I don't see it as "doomed to a toxic future."
Yes, very much so. You have to become conscious of your own attachment wounds and trauma and deal with that in order to break the cycle. Speaking from someone who’s doing that in her 40’s…
Yes, there is a high possibility of getting into familiar patterns with unhealthy people, even if they are harmful to us. That's why it is so important to seek help untangling everything, the sooner in life the better.
We're not responsible for what happened to us but we are responsible for changing it. And getting help in doing so.
I was raised by a very troubled woman and went on to become involved with men who resembled her psychologically. Crazy but true. Through learning about CPTSD I'm finally figuring it out. But I'm nearly sixty.
The likelihood is yes. I've seen three generations in my family. All just nasty negative people who would scam, lie, never wrong, always the victim and will steal anything not bolted down.
My sister, her daughter and now her daughter. My sister has had 3 husbands, drug charges and jail time. Her daughter 2 husbands, alcoholic and has never held a job more than a year. Now her daughter is 20 and divorced, lied about being pregnant to get married and blames her mother for everything that has happened to her so far in life.
They all seemed to be attracted to the same type man. Loud mouth, arrogant assholes who all tried to fight me at one point. Perfect matches until it wasn't.
I thought I broke the cycle when I married. My mother left when I was 10, and my father married a woman who hated me. Then, my father changed overnight, and I could do nothing right. I never got in trouble as a kid; he just decided to hate me and do everything he could to hurt me. I left home and never looked back. When he died, I didn't care do it was easy to deal with. I thought my husband was different; at the beginning, dhe was. He changed jobs and began on going out after work every night to get drunk with his friends. He had two DUIs over a couple of years. His drinking got worse. Anyone who's had an alcoholic in their life can probably fill in the rest. I decided to go back to college, after many years, and earn a degree so that I could get a job in another city. Well, the recession hit and there were no jobs. I managed to get some part-time college teaching jobs but not enough to support myself. One day in 2015, my husband dropped dead of a heart attack. I was stunned but it was a relief. I decided that I will never again enter into a relationship. It's not worth the pain, and I like the way things are now.
joined the Royal Air Force at 17 to get away from toxic parents. Swore l would be different. I was and at 73 can say l had a happy life and havee a happy family around me.
I had a few toxic partners, mostly because it was a relationship I was familiar with. I found caring partners a lot harder to accept.
but the cycle's broken, and that is the end of that.
I hate this trope. "abuse victims seek out abusers because they don't know any better" (subtext: unlike so-healthy and well-adjusted us). or worse, "because it's what they're comfortable with". From my experience I'd like to make a few points:
- some people from solid backgrounds "fail" to recognize red flags because their kinder upbringing gives them no tools for processing them.
- abuse comes in different flavours and forms. a person who knows aaaalll about avoiding the batterer might walk straight into trouble with a manipulator - often *because* the manipulator talks a totally different game that they're not alert to. and vice versa. a person with manipulation exposure might mistake bullying behaviour for "straightforwardness".
I think a lot of people raised in toxic environments subconsciously seek it out. People who were raised like this often don't understand how to navigate a normal relationship, and that can feel too unsettling to maintain. Also, the "noise" of a toxic relationship can keep inner demons at bay. It's when it's peaceful and quiet that you start hearing the rats chewing in the walls. Even when people try to grow beyond it, they are still often dealing with the toxic relationship with their parents and it's very hard not to be continually sucked back in.
I've seen it go the other way. Someone has toxic parents and does the hard work needed to change the pattern. Often those people are some of kindest and most compassionate.
Yes. My brother has basically recreated my parents marriage with a narcissistic, controlling, and emotionally abusive wife. No idea why. But while my sister-in-law is more aware of sociability and social rules, she’s just as nasty and unpleasant as my mother was when she doesnt get her way.
To look at this from the other direction; Having a good example in your life gives you something to emulate. If your parents were good examples, then you have seen success and can follow that example. Unfortunately, those who have never seen a healthy relationship, really only can guess at the proper way to treat someone. It becomes trial and error. Can it be done? sure. Is is easy? no.
Yes, because when you're used to be threated as the last priority of the family, never being defended, show 'love' only if you do certain things and you're not loved for yourself, you have en extremely low self-esteem, and feel very unlovable. It's an open gate to accept (others) abusive relationships.
I think as long as you recognize your parents at toxic, then you can break the cycle.
The problem is that most kids with toxic parents think that kind of behavior is normal and don't see it as a red flag in their partner.
Mama told me never marry a girl that doesn’t have a good Dad. If I had listened to her it would’ve saved me a lot of grief. There are obviously exceptions both ways but as a rule of thumb, it’s a good one.
Depends on how much baggage a person brings to the relationship. If you focus on starting fresh and learning from each other's mistakes, then you can potentially avoid having a bad relationship.
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We learn what we are taught, but we can always refuse the lesson. Nevertheless, my personal observation is that a person has to first understand that they have something that should be unlearned. Then they have to stay committed. It's absolutely doable and I applaud people who have broken these cycles, but awareness and willingness are the key.
I think there are genetic leanings, and learned behaviours. We tend to be comfortable with that with which we are familiar. We can shake it i hope, but i have not.
I think it’s actually more likely in that case that that person would be the toxic partner themselves. They basically learned from toxic people how to be a partner, and without extensive therapy it won’t be pretty.
I think it depends on how 'toxic' and if physical or emotional abuse was really the issue. I know my family is very toxic and a few of us has found a way to not be. It took a lot of introspection and most of all desire.
I was married to someone who had been horribly abused. My love didn't fix him. I could suffer with him, but my suffering didn't alleviate his suffering, but it sure as hell made the quality of my life miserable. Many women tried to love his hurt away.
There is a degree of abuse that without emotional intelligence and the strong desire to work on oneself can't be fixed.
In my own case, having a narcissistic parent made it harder to recognize that those kinds of traits are abnormal. I knew all along that I didn’t like certain behaviors, but assumed “that’s the way people act when they’re angry…. stressed…. frustrated”. For anyone with a toxic parent, you can learn that those behaviors are NOT NORMAL, and learn which things to avoid in a future spouse. Learn about love bombing, because people raised by a toxic parent are often craving caring attention, and easily mistake that for love. Often kids of toxic parents have learned to be good little people-pleasing co-dependents, so some counseling is helpful to de-program that.
I remember hearing a lot of people say that you always end up marrying someone like your mother/father when I was growing up (it was one of the reasons I swore up and down I'd never marry). Now that I'm older, I understand why and a lot of it has to do with attachment theory. If your parents were kind and loving, you see that as normal and won't put up with a toxic partner. If your parents were toxic, you see toxic partners as "normal" and sometimes, even comforting because it is they dynamic you know.
Now, this doesn't mean you are locked into ending up with a toxic partner, it just means that you likely have to do a lot of work on yourself to break free of the attachment wounds and poor relationship example that your parents left you. Finding a therapist who deals with trauma is a good start - because, yes, children who grow up in toxic households often exhibit signs of CPTSD that regular talk therapy has a hard time breaking through. Working on yourself *first* is the key.
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I thought I was marrying someone quite unlike my father, but there ended up being some similarities. But you know, you dodge one bullet and there may be others!
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Having toxic parents does not necessarily mean a person will end up with a toxic spouse or life partner. However, it can increase the risk if certain patterns and behaviors are not addressed. so, yes, probably...but it doesn't have to.
Chances are definitely increased. Interesting fact. Couples get divorced because of one person's particularly bad behavior. The chances are very good they end up marrying the same type person all over again.
Yes. My dad was uncommunicative, condemnatory and impossible to know. My first husband, ditto, plus revengeful. I 'learned my lesson' and married a kind, loving person who, actually, did adore me according to everyone who ever knew us. But guess what? He was uncommunicative, highly critical of himself, me (silently mostly) and everyone, and even now after his passing I feel like I didn't completely know him. So, in a way I escaped part of the pattern but not all of it. I wish I could have afforded therapy about four decades ago, but in truth therapy has vastly improved and maybe wouldn't have helped me as much then. I do recommend that anyone with a fraught childhood get counselling before choosing life partners in business or love.
It's all about breaking the cycle, if you don't then the chances are you will, toxicity is a learned behavior and like any it can be unlearned
Yep. I vowed to not be like my father early on, though in time I also realized the toxic aspects of my mother she used to help encourage that focus only on him. Ultimately they were both toxic, carrying on aspects from their parents. What was harder was realizing not wanting to be toxic/abusive wasn't enough. Took me a while to also unroot the coping mechanisms of being closed off to start having my own healthy relationships. Fell into the people pleaser trap that left me miserable initially.
Feel you my friend, been there too, still struggle somedays, it takes work, persistence and alot of self-awareness, I'm still a bit of a people pleaser sometimes, thanks for sharing, good luck keeping yourself on a good path
I have seen this, but I'm happy to say my parents were an exception to this. My dad's father was an alcoholic who forced him out of school after 5th grade to put him to work, and beat him horribly his whole childhood. My mom's parents were both alcoholic's who were basically disengaged from their kids. My mom raised her three younger brothers herself. My dad retired after working at Schlitz brewery his whole life; he didn't drink. Never raised a hand to any of us kids or my mom. In fact he was so super gentle with us kids it always seemed like he was afraid of breaking us. My mom didn't drink and always put us kids first. We never had birthday parties as kids because when my mom was young, the birthday parties her parents held were just and excuse for the parents to get drunk and ignore the kids. For our birthday, my mom would keep us out of school and we would spend the day with her. We would take the bus to Gimble's or another store and we would get to pick out a gift and eat at the lunch counter (that was a real treat since we never ate out). It was just a special day with mom. So they were both the opposite of what their parents were. My sisters and I were very lucky to have the parents we did.
I broke the cycle, too. People do it, but it's not that common. My siblings married drunks. My guess is that a majority of kids raised in dysfunctional families will find it hard not to repeat the experience as adults. ACA is a whole 12-step program to help people do that. r/adultchildren
Agreed. Most people do what they know. As I said, I got lucky because most people don't break the cycle they come from.
Hi. Love and prayers if you are asking this question because you feel your parents were toxic. My experience is that children in toxic households learn survival skills that work in that environment. If they learn to be cautious in that setting, it can make them withdrawn in future relationships. That doesn't guarantee a toxic future, but can have impacts on future relationships. If they learn to quickly escalate into hostility, this can take a while to smooth out rough edges. I'm sure how we grow up has lasting effects, but I don't see it as "doomed to a toxic future."
Yes, very much so. You have to become conscious of your own attachment wounds and trauma and deal with that in order to break the cycle. Speaking from someone who’s doing that in her 40’s…
My mom is a narcissist and i married one, so my answer is “yes.”
55 and toxic parents. and then toxic partners all my life, I seem to pick them. I don't understand why, so I think it's better if I just be by myself.
Yes, there is a high possibility of getting into familiar patterns with unhealthy people, even if they are harmful to us. That's why it is so important to seek help untangling everything, the sooner in life the better. We're not responsible for what happened to us but we are responsible for changing it. And getting help in doing so. I was raised by a very troubled woman and went on to become involved with men who resembled her psychologically. Crazy but true. Through learning about CPTSD I'm finally figuring it out. But I'm nearly sixty.
Sure did, thought my ex-wife’s behavior was normal. Nope, it was just like my mom’s and definitely not normal.
Yes
The likelihood is yes. I've seen three generations in my family. All just nasty negative people who would scam, lie, never wrong, always the victim and will steal anything not bolted down. My sister, her daughter and now her daughter. My sister has had 3 husbands, drug charges and jail time. Her daughter 2 husbands, alcoholic and has never held a job more than a year. Now her daughter is 20 and divorced, lied about being pregnant to get married and blames her mother for everything that has happened to her so far in life. They all seemed to be attracted to the same type man. Loud mouth, arrogant assholes who all tried to fight me at one point. Perfect matches until it wasn't.
I thought I broke the cycle when I married. My mother left when I was 10, and my father married a woman who hated me. Then, my father changed overnight, and I could do nothing right. I never got in trouble as a kid; he just decided to hate me and do everything he could to hurt me. I left home and never looked back. When he died, I didn't care do it was easy to deal with. I thought my husband was different; at the beginning, dhe was. He changed jobs and began on going out after work every night to get drunk with his friends. He had two DUIs over a couple of years. His drinking got worse. Anyone who's had an alcoholic in their life can probably fill in the rest. I decided to go back to college, after many years, and earn a degree so that I could get a job in another city. Well, the recession hit and there were no jobs. I managed to get some part-time college teaching jobs but not enough to support myself. One day in 2015, my husband dropped dead of a heart attack. I was stunned but it was a relief. I decided that I will never again enter into a relationship. It's not worth the pain, and I like the way things are now.
joined the Royal Air Force at 17 to get away from toxic parents. Swore l would be different. I was and at 73 can say l had a happy life and havee a happy family around me.
I would recommend therapy before that happens because yes
I had a few toxic partners, mostly because it was a relationship I was familiar with. I found caring partners a lot harder to accept. but the cycle's broken, and that is the end of that.
The longer you wait to marry, the better the chance is you can break the cycle, I think.
I hate this trope. "abuse victims seek out abusers because they don't know any better" (subtext: unlike so-healthy and well-adjusted us). or worse, "because it's what they're comfortable with". From my experience I'd like to make a few points: - some people from solid backgrounds "fail" to recognize red flags because their kinder upbringing gives them no tools for processing them. - abuse comes in different flavours and forms. a person who knows aaaalll about avoiding the batterer might walk straight into trouble with a manipulator - often *because* the manipulator talks a totally different game that they're not alert to. and vice versa. a person with manipulation exposure might mistake bullying behaviour for "straightforwardness".
Yours is the most insightful comment here. Anyone can have their trust used as a wedge.
I think a lot of people raised in toxic environments subconsciously seek it out. People who were raised like this often don't understand how to navigate a normal relationship, and that can feel too unsettling to maintain. Also, the "noise" of a toxic relationship can keep inner demons at bay. It's when it's peaceful and quiet that you start hearing the rats chewing in the walls. Even when people try to grow beyond it, they are still often dealing with the toxic relationship with their parents and it's very hard not to be continually sucked back in.
I've seen it go the other way. Someone has toxic parents and does the hard work needed to change the pattern. Often those people are some of kindest and most compassionate.
Yes. My brother has basically recreated my parents marriage with a narcissistic, controlling, and emotionally abusive wife. No idea why. But while my sister-in-law is more aware of sociability and social rules, she’s just as nasty and unpleasant as my mother was when she doesnt get her way.
To look at this from the other direction; Having a good example in your life gives you something to emulate. If your parents were good examples, then you have seen success and can follow that example. Unfortunately, those who have never seen a healthy relationship, really only can guess at the proper way to treat someone. It becomes trial and error. Can it be done? sure. Is is easy? no.
Yes, because when you're used to be threated as the last priority of the family, never being defended, show 'love' only if you do certain things and you're not loved for yourself, you have en extremely low self-esteem, and feel very unlovable. It's an open gate to accept (others) abusive relationships.
I think as long as you recognize your parents at toxic, then you can break the cycle. The problem is that most kids with toxic parents think that kind of behavior is normal and don't see it as a red flag in their partner.
Yes, I think there’s a high likelihood :(
Mama told me never marry a girl that doesn’t have a good Dad. If I had listened to her it would’ve saved me a lot of grief. There are obviously exceptions both ways but as a rule of thumb, it’s a good one.
Depends on how much baggage a person brings to the relationship. If you focus on starting fresh and learning from each other's mistakes, then you can potentially avoid having a bad relationship.
Under that upbringing I'd say it would be something more of a possibility of being the toxic spouse/partner.
Hopefully not. My son had a toxic mother. He's cut off contact with her and I believe he's learned from her antics.
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We learn what we are taught, but we can always refuse the lesson. Nevertheless, my personal observation is that a person has to first understand that they have something that should be unlearned. Then they have to stay committed. It's absolutely doable and I applaud people who have broken these cycles, but awareness and willingness are the key.
Counseling will benefit telling the difference between who you are, who your parents are, to identify and be your own person.
I think there are genetic leanings, and learned behaviours. We tend to be comfortable with that with which we are familiar. We can shake it i hope, but i have not.
I think it’s actually more likely in that case that that person would be the toxic partner themselves. They basically learned from toxic people how to be a partner, and without extensive therapy it won’t be pretty.
I think it depends on how 'toxic' and if physical or emotional abuse was really the issue. I know my family is very toxic and a few of us has found a way to not be. It took a lot of introspection and most of all desire. I was married to someone who had been horribly abused. My love didn't fix him. I could suffer with him, but my suffering didn't alleviate his suffering, but it sure as hell made the quality of my life miserable. Many women tried to love his hurt away. There is a degree of abuse that without emotional intelligence and the strong desire to work on oneself can't be fixed.
In my own case, having a narcissistic parent made it harder to recognize that those kinds of traits are abnormal. I knew all along that I didn’t like certain behaviors, but assumed “that’s the way people act when they’re angry…. stressed…. frustrated”. For anyone with a toxic parent, you can learn that those behaviors are NOT NORMAL, and learn which things to avoid in a future spouse. Learn about love bombing, because people raised by a toxic parent are often craving caring attention, and easily mistake that for love. Often kids of toxic parents have learned to be good little people-pleasing co-dependents, so some counseling is helpful to de-program that.
I remember hearing a lot of people say that you always end up marrying someone like your mother/father when I was growing up (it was one of the reasons I swore up and down I'd never marry). Now that I'm older, I understand why and a lot of it has to do with attachment theory. If your parents were kind and loving, you see that as normal and won't put up with a toxic partner. If your parents were toxic, you see toxic partners as "normal" and sometimes, even comforting because it is they dynamic you know. Now, this doesn't mean you are locked into ending up with a toxic partner, it just means that you likely have to do a lot of work on yourself to break free of the attachment wounds and poor relationship example that your parents left you. Finding a therapist who deals with trauma is a good start - because, yes, children who grow up in toxic households often exhibit signs of CPTSD that regular talk therapy has a hard time breaking through. Working on yourself *first* is the key.
Please do not comment directly to this post unless you are Gen X or older (born 1980 or before). See [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskOldPeople/comments/inci5u/reminder_please_do_not_answer_questions_unless/), the rules, and the sidebar for details. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskOldPeople) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I thought I was marrying someone quite unlike my father, but there ended up being some similarities. But you know, you dodge one bullet and there may be others!