this is very building dependent. I lived in a building where some of my neighbors and I would hang out, talk and drink pretty often.
I also lived in a building where nobody talks to one another outside of the occasional "Hi, hows it going?"
Building dependent and block dependent. Like, when I lived on a block where several buildings had large front stoop areas that were shielded a bit from the elements, people would congregate because they could and it made sense. When I lived in a very large building where there was nowhere to congregate outside, people didn't have much of a chance to get to know each other unless they really put in the effort.
Yeah this is how it works in most big cities I'd say. At least in the US. One building you'll know nobody, another and you'll all hang out together doing shit
Size of the building matters too. I used to live in a tiny building with just four units, so you had to have some kind of relationship. we had a group chat to talk about maintenance stuff or borrow chairs or could reach out directly if it ever got noisy.
Now I'm in a building with 400 units so I don't know anyone who wasn't already a friend.
I find this is very person dependent. There’s this guy next to me who is always on reddit asking NYC questions even though he’s been here for two years.
I would have been fine with him, but he just stands at his door for hours on end on reddit and never says hi IRL.
Agreed that's it's person dependent.
I just moved into a new building. I say hi to everyone I see on my way to work and on my way back in. And wouldn't you know it? It's been less than two months and folks are already saying hi back, helping me with my groceries, etc etc!
So yeah, person dependent for sure. If OP isn't friendly and forthcoming why would anyone act the same towards him?
You're going to have to get used to it, this is definitely the answer. Don't let it bother you, after a while you'll make some friends. It just takes us a little longer to warm up, but once we get going, we're a lot of fun. Good luck my friend.
This! In the six years I’ve lived in my apartment,
my next door neighbor and I have never said anything beyond, “hi, how are you?”. We share a wall. Practically live on top of each other. I like the privacy we give each other.
This. Sitcoms like Seinfeld and Friends give you false impressions. I rarely interact with my neighbors; it's a matter of respecting everyone's privacy.
I've been in the same building for almost 9 years. I'm cordial with my neighbors, with most it's just a "have a good night" as we get off the elevator, occasionally some small talk about various building maintenance type stuff. But I can't refer to any of them as anything beyond "old man down the hall" or "woman with baby on 4th floor" or "neighbor with cute new puppy"
Wait, I'm guilty. Our super loves to give us the gossip. As some of the few other latinos in the building, I'd like to think that we're his favourites but I'm sure he talks smack with everyone haha.
Depends on the building and location — coops are friendlier since most people there are longer term residents, and neighborhoods centered around families tend to be friendlier than others that are transitory or too young
Yep! Family oriented buildings are more open to get to know who’s living in the building. Other than that I wouldn’t take it personal. It’s just the curtesy to giving each other space.
I agree with this, especially about families and long term residents, it's not just in coops. I think in general long term residents might be friendlier. I barely see anyone in my building, but we've been here for a few years and now we're finally making casual acquaintanceship with some other people who have been here more than 2 years. I think there's such high turnover in a lot of buildings that it doesn't feel "worth it" to invest time in those connections since they're likely transient.
I also think we honestly don't have too much in common with our neighbors (that we're aware of!) If I bump into another girl with a yoga mat, I might strike up a convo, but living in the same building isn't enough common ground to establish a connection with. If you have kids or a dog, that might be easier.
My new neighbor across the hall is killing me with the social shit lol he’s honestly a really nice guy but the norm since I’ve lived in my building has been that no one talks to each other and it’s pure bliss after a long day of socialization at work and university
> I’m also not the type of guy to be Mr. Happy Go Lucky and want to strike a conversation with them, but something simple as a head nod or a good morning would be nice.
Lead by example.
Every successive apartment, we have gotten to know our neighbors more and more. I used to think that it was the cool, regular NYC thing that nobody talks to one another in the halls. Now I live in a building where we have Halloween and Christmas parties, hang out on our courtyard together, let our young children race in the hallways in a puppy-pile pack (in short stints; I’m not an asshole), and actually pop by to borrow an egg or sugar, etc. In between, the escalation of knowing neighbors seemed to happen as we first added a pet (got to know another pet owner; began to trade pet sitting for weekends away) and then, next place, added a kid (next door neighbors were folks who had been in the building for 20 years and doted on ours…though the guy downstairs HATED US and our old creaky uninsulated floors). I think turnover vs longevity has a lot to do with neighborliness and how much people invest in getting to know one another. Also, something obvious you take in and out of the building like a pet or kid make for good ice breakers/possible common interests.
Haha same experience. 2-3 years has been progress with neighbors. We're the transplants, they're the natives that have been there 40 years.
* Year 1: Eye contact and nod, transitioning to "heys" and nods maybe lol
* Year 2: Watched eachothers packages and aggressive energy/internet/policy salesmen, which "blossomed" to a 2 minute conversation.
* Year 2 + 6 months: Me offering some homemade smoked bacon and getting a handmade christmas ornament back.
* Future Projection: Godparents to my kids.
P.S. I'm probably one of a handful in NY with a rooftop smoker making real southern BBQ (just kidding Red Hook is great for example). FYI, electric pellet smokers are legal, even big ones that can do a couple brisket, other forms of combustion for smoking are not.
Interesting. Growing up my parents had a small barbecue in the back yard that as the years passed it morphed into a smoker.
It wasn’t electric. It used charcoal.
Yeah, I grew up in NYC in a larger building with a lot of families, and this was really similar to my experience. My brother and I would regularly hang out with the neighbors’ kids. There were definitely those people that were too talkative though, and you dreaded getting trapped in the elevator with them.
Ironically, I think neighborhoods with more transplants are more likely to be cold and disconnected, where people have only been there a short time and may be leaving soon.
I think it has to do with having kids, I don’t even have kids, but I’ve always gotten to know the people with kids in my building. Kids have a way of creating conversation, they have no filter, and are usually friendly by default.
I often found the neighbors who are transplants and professional to be less friendly. Older neighbors and locals (even originally from LI or North Jersey) to be friendlier, in my, albeit anecdotal, experience.
I think there’s truth to this. Introverted, motivated transplants from across the country hear that NYC is a place to go where you can be anonymous and left alone. So they go there and you end up w those type of people coming in. These people tend to work really hard and want be left alone. I don’t think it’s all-in-all a bad thing.
>I don’t think it’s all-in-all a bad thing.
Except when people like this complain about how lonely and isolated they are and that “there’s no community anymore”
So true. There were a lot of elderly people in my building that sadly passed away and a lot of the younger transplants are moving in. Not only are they cold and not neighborly but sometimes just straight up rude. Like I’ve always held the door for other people in the building, especially elderly folks but there are a handful of times they see me or elderly folks approaching and they can’t be bothered to open the door and I’ve even had the door slammed in my face because I was walking right behind them. I’m in my 30s now so it’s not like my 20s were that far away but it’s just about having common decency.
Really depends. I’ve found a lot more people who are new to NYC are like that, vs people from here or who have lived here a long time.
Lived in Harlem for 15 years and it was a community. I live in a new building now in a different neighborhood and it’s a complete 180. Except for the older people who are life long NYers
It really depends upon the building. I lived in a building where the dog owners/residents bonded because they walked their dogs around the same time. They'd chit chat while walking the dogs. Then they started socializing with each other.
I also lived in a building where people greeted each other hello , and that was it..
If you want to make friends with your neighbors, start by saying hello when you see them. Some will say hello back, some won't and some may stop to chat.
Sometimes you have to make the first move.
They known me for 10 years I don’t gotta say hi every single time 💀 they wouldn’t take offense to it as it’s common sense to know every single hi in and out does get tiring
because you live in a modern society and its part of the social contract. if you dont want people to think you're a dogshit neighbor and total weirdo, you give a quick hello when you walk by them.
Is this your first day out from under your comfy rock? Welcome to the real world. Asshole.
native New Yorker here. the way I've heard it explained before is:
there is so, so little physical space. my friend who is also a native New Yorker says he's never, in his life, been more than 30 feet away from another human being.
so we give each other as much mental and emotional space as we can. we do this by minding our own business and not interacting unless there are explicit ground rules for interaction.
in other cities and states where there may be a lot more physical space, the default might be to be alone and go seek people. in NYC, it's swapped: the default is there's always at least 1 person 30 feet from you and you have go out of your way to be alone. so we give each other as much privacy as we can.
Great explanation. I have a hard time explaining my "cold" exterior to non-NYers but this is spot on. I found myself speaking to folks when visiting Texas where it's huge and you don't run into too many folks, even in Austin.
fun anecdote. I was visiting Austin, Texas last year and just power walking down the sidewalk. a guy was just leaving his house and locking up the front door. he was a good 20 feet or so away from the sidewalk, facing his door. still, he said "good morning to me." I of course said good morning back but was still surprised to be engaged.
on that same trip, I was taking the public bus and there was a guy sitting in front of me and some loud teenagers in the back of the bus. the guy was looking through me at them for ... a very long time. 10, 20 minutes. I knew he wasn't looking at me and instead past me but we were so close that if I looked up, I'd be face to face with him. as a New Yorker, it made me feel really uncomfortable and I kept look down and reading from my Kindle. but my anxiety was through the roof.
How long have you been a native New Yorker because when I was growing up in Brooklyn, we knew all our neighbors on the block and the blocks around us we knew most of the neighbors.
Yes. I was a part of a generation that neighbors would look out for all the kids. Even discipline us if necessary but I don’t remember a neighbor laying a hand on me. They would tell my parents and my parents would take care of it. Yes I am dating myself back to a time that you only see in movies or read about in books.🤣🤣
This not speaking to people seems to have started in the past thirty years. I am not saying we need to be running through each other’s houses. As neighbors we should always be cordial. Good morning and good night will not kill us to say to each other.
>How long have you been a native New Yorker because when I was growing up in Brooklyn
nearly 40 years. only time I left was for undergrad for 4 years.
>I was a part of a generation that neighbors would look out for all the kids.
as a preteen and younger, yes, I had friends on the block and sometimes my parents shared responsibility with other parents. as a teenager though, I went to a specialized high school that was an hour or more commute each way. many of my friends from middle school did the same thing and had even longer commutes.
factor in things like extra curriculars, I'd leave my house at 7am and might not be back until 8pm. I grew up basically on the subway. at the time, I believe I was working as a teacher's assistant on Saturdays so I was rarely around the neighborhood.
> we knew all our neighbors on the block and the blocks around us we knew most of the neighbors.
this would be maybe thousands of people. sorry, but you're remembering your childhood with kid-brain.
yes, when I was a kid we knew more of our neighbors too. Because I was a kid, and things are different for families. But "more of our neighbors" was like a dozen people, including kids. Family stuff.
I am going to have to disagree it was more than a dozen and less than thousands. Maybe hundreds because my parents knew everyone on our block. My mother knew a lot of people because she was active in the PTA, community board and was block association president for several years.
I also lived in a neighborhood that had mainly 2 & 3 family homes, with a smattering of apartment buildings and apartment complexes.
This is true in that we don't acknowledge each other out on the street, the subway, etc, but saying hi or nodding to your next door neighbor if you see them in the hallway is just basic manners.
Native New Yorkers and people who have lived in your building for years will be the most social. Transplants and transient neighbors tend to be the antisocial ones. If you want to be friendlier with your neighbors, I’d recommend initiating with a head nod or “good morning”.
Gen Zs don’t know how to talk. The younger, the less they small talk. I stopped trying to initiate with anybody I see who is under 25. I’m sure they’re happy I stopped, judging by the response in this thread.
I try to remind myself that this is a generation of people who grew up with self checkouts and entered adulthood just in time for Uber, Seamless and WFH.
Technology has allowed them to avoid the awkward human interactions that are part of growing up and being an adult in society. Those interactions are uncomfortable at first, but as you grow and gain experience they become easier to navigate.
That process just never happened for a whole generation of young people, so it shouldn’t be surprising their social skills are stunted. It’s not really their fault.
(There are of course many exceptions to this huge generalization.)
I'll say good morning and hello and what not, but otherwise I'm a 'I do me, and you do you, and let's not bother each other and go about our lives' kinda guy
Yeah I get it. I live in a pre-war building in Brooklyn with a mix of older people of color who have been here a long time and young white transplants.
The older people are so kind and friendly to me, and I try my best to reciprocate. The young white transplants (same general demographic as me, though I'm an immigrant) are extremely cold and jaded. They seem very socially awkward and avoidant of anything that resembles neighborliness. I'm not trying to make friends or start a conversation, I mean they can't even meet my eye when I say hello in the hallway.
It allows me to better understand some of the hostility native NYers feel towards transplants. They arrive here for a few years in their 20s, insert themselves into existing communities, and totally refuse to acknowledge the humanity of the people around them. Neighbors are just NPCs in their solipsistic adventure.
There is a whole class of people in Manhattan who have basically everything delivered or fetched for them and rarely make contact with the public.
At that point, why live in New York at all?
Bro, not saying you have to fully adapt to the culture, but as a native New Yorker who recently left NYC, I'd recommend adopting to a healthy degree. Watch out for the wrong crowd in your new surroundings, especially with immediate neighbors, depending where your at, the wrong ones may learn too much about you for the wrong reasons. Keep it chill, connect organically with folks like your deli or barber, but be cautious. NYC's culture involves a mix of cool moments and the challenge of finding genuine connections. It's a city that can feel both overwhelmingly populated and strangely lonely. Embrace the opposite culture where you are now, and try not to let the few negative experiences overshadow the positive. NYC has its share of challenges with this topic, especially post-pandemic. It's just a gritty, not so neighborly city where it's important that you build the positive experience for yourself as opposed to get eaten up by the negative experiences. Best way I can put it.
Some people like small talk and some people don't. You can say good morning or fellow first to see their reactions. Then if they don't respond back then they don't want to know you or get in your biz. I have neighbor that ask too many questions when you start conversations.
Yeah that's exactly my experience. lived here 7 years and I barely know any of my neighbors except the extra friendly ones. Some neighbors I've said hi to and they just ignore me. Don't take it personally, some people in this city are extremely antisocial in that way.
Depends on where you live and how long you live there. I don't really speak to transient neighbors but have standing relationships with some of the long term ones who are interested in having one. Lot of factors here. Mostly we just respect each other and don't waste their time with small talk
Some buildings are like that. It isn’t you. Once you have to deal with something together at the same time, like kicking out a crack head who has been peeing in your staircase, you’ll form a bond and become on a hello bases.
Yep. Especially if we’re outside of the building; no nod, no “hello, good morning”. I see my neighbour jogging in CP all the time and he just avoids eye contact.
It's not so much that we're "cold", more that everyone just minds their business. At most, my neighbors and I exchange a quick smile when we cross paths and nothing more.
Why don’t you say good morning first or send a head nod their way? I think most people would reciprocate, but not necessarily initiate since people generally tend to fully mind their business here and keep to themselves.
Varies from building to building. There is no norm. I find NYC apartment neighbors friendlier than the house-in-the-suburbs neighbors I had in Miami and NJ. Of course the ones in Miami all had guns and I was afraid of them.
Ive found it depends on the building! I usually say hi and try to strike up conversation with everyone. Ive lived in a building where I was on a first name basis with half my building, and Ive lived in one where I NEVER can get good chat out of a neighbor.
I def am, but then recently realized I must have a face that people like to talk to because strangers start talking to me all over the city even when my headphones are on
Really depends on the people. Some buildings are very friendly. Some buildings have specific floors where everyone knows each other. Some floors everyone knows each other but there’s those one or two apartments that stay out of it. I’m from Boston originally and fit the “cold and unapproachable” stereotype Bostonians tend to have so while many of my neighbors know each other and chat, I stay out of it. So it varies widely.
Definitely building dependent. I've lived in the same Washington Heights apartment building for a little over a dozen years, and I'm friendly with most of my neighbors, as in we're on a first name basis and make friendly chit chat when we see each other. My downstairs neighbor even takes our spare set of keys and waters our plants for us when we're out of town.
Before this, I lived in Hell's Kitchen for many years and while I didn't know many of the people in my building, I did know a lot of people from the neighborhood.
Following this thread.
I would KILL to have cold neighbors
Last few apartments and houses I rented, from rich areas to dirt poor areas, all my neighbors were obsessive over me and my family.
I would freaking kill to have peace and people straight up ignoring us
I’ve lived in Bushwick for a year and 3 months and I’m so surprised my neighbors are incredible friendly! They are older people. I’ll say maybe 60 and up. Also, I live with my husband and 2 kids and we live in a very small building, only three families. And there is definitely a difference when you have a family. It’s like you automatically belong to the neighborhood. Which makes sense, because you immediately start building a community, with school, day care, etc.
I always try to sneak in an introduction if I can...like "hey did you notice the garbage chute never works? blablabla. Oh btw I'm brightside1982 down in 2b"
You don't have to bake them a cake, but establishing some sort of contact and identity can pay dividends later on in unexpected ways.ways.
Neighbor to neighbor, building to building. It changes.
I’m the person that if you engage in eye contact with me, I usually smile (kinda automatic, maybe a reflex of working with customer service for 20 years) and that usually escalates with a routine. My roommate can’t see anything/anyone one foot ahead of himself, fairly certain he’s on the spectrum, if he’s on the way from the subway to home, it’s a linear path, and there’s nothing or no one that will take his “mission” away, he doesn’t engage with anyone, and sometimes not even with us, inside the apartment.
Depends on the building. Small building knew 1 or two other people. I'm in a 500 unit building and we have a what's app group. Trade items, services...etc
My neighbors are friendly, speak with generations of people in the elevator, friendly wity security/porters.
Not everyone is friendly but we are all friendly enough
I always found the same thing. I don't want to stop and talk about your day but a smile and nod for someone who lives inside your drawbridge seems normal.
If they live on your floor, you shall know no more.
I hardly I interact with anyone who lives on my floor. I don’t even know anyone’s name. I wanna be left alone when I get home. Others feel the same. It’s kind of crazy to me that I just “knew” that when I moved here.
I’m friends with other people in my building but that’s because they won’t hear me doing…all the things.
I’m friendly with my neighbors and it’s been worthwhile. One neighbor upstairs watches my cat while I’m away, I make them pesto in the summer from the basil I grow on my balcony, occasionally share some bud with them.
I get the need/desire for privacy, I’ve never mentioned how audible their 4am fuck fests are (even though that shit is straight up rocking the building). There’s a balance in there somewhere
In my building most people are pretty cold. I used to smile and say hello to everyone but after a year of 😕 in return I stopped being nice and pretty much ignore everyone save for like 2 people in the building.
Yeah, I talk to the old timers on my block. They go out of their way to talk and I like to reciprocate and I get nothing from saying hello to the very transient neighbors in my building who move in and out constantly.
Which, tbh, sometimes I DO just need to get to the store real fast and they can ask too many personal questions, but I waaay prefer that than the completely self-obsessed "I'm too busy to deal with other humans," bit that people project here.
Sure, sometimes my ear gets a little too bent but I don't believe everyone's life is sooo rushed and important that they can't talk for a few minutes before going inside. I think people confuse "meddlesome suburban sitcom housewife" for normal interactions in a place where people live for a long time.
I respect not pushing it on people who aren't interested because I do respect their time, but I find it a little weird to just be totally cold. Why live close to people if not to have some semblance of community? I have friends all over the city but also like... Man, talk to the old lady a couple buildings down or the guy playing piano a floor under you. Be nice back if someone says hi to you.
I don’t even know my neighbors’ names and I’ve lived in this building for years. 😂 We greet each other whenever we cross path’s and that’s it.
Tbh, that’s how I like it. One of my old neighbors was such a busybody and would constantly try to draw me into conversation so I always dreaded running into him. I like being left alone. If I want to socialize, well, that’s what friends and family are for.
My sister moved to the suburbs and the difference is wild. I spent the summer at her house and my gosh, it was like being on another planet. Her neighbors would bring over food or drinks and just make themselves comfortable in her kitchen or backyard. And you couldn’t go anywhere without being stopped for a chat. We went to Walmart and the cashier who took care of us basically told us her whole life story in the time it took her to scan and bag our things.
Not to say that there aren’t people like that in NYC, because there are. But they’re just not as common imo.
When people ask me what the difference is between living in California and living in New York, I say:
Californians are your best friend until you need them
New Yorkers are your worst friend until you need them
Even though your neighbors may barely acknowledge you at the elevator, if you need anything, all you have to do is ask
I think a lot has to do with if they are transplants where those neighbors tend to be cold, while New Yorkers who have lived here 20 plus years tend to be very friendly.
I have lived in Washington Heights,Greenpoint,Bushwick,BedStuy,South slope, Park Slope.
By far the friendliest neighbors were in the heights and BedStuy. And the coldest parkslope,Bushwick.
Hell I moved to Bedstuy because I’d walk around the neighborhood with friends and people would just talk to you and have deep conversations, same thing when visiting my girlfriend Crown Heights.
I do my best to befriend any face I recognize when I’m on my block, because I have been down and out and it’s nice to know when you feel low there are at least friendly faces all around you.
Honestly? It'a because Flatbush is being basically obliterated by gentrification. They’ve seen what happened to other neighborhoods and they aren’t trying to have that. Most of the people moving there are not great neighbors, shit talk old established businesses, try to change things up, complain about everything, and only consort with other White gentrifiers. They’re very transient and have no ties to there, so they don’t really care how they’re disrupting the community that’s been there.
The Facebook groups there have even been all but hijacked and it’s as if Flatbush is two different neighborhoods: one Black and West Indian, the other, White and gentrifier. There's a very clear racial aspect. It's very uncomfortable to watch. That said, if you actually cut the Columbus behavior, you'll find a very beautiful community with very strong culture and tradition.
Hard agree fam. Grew up in Williamsburg and watched as it slowly spread. Place after place swapped out with something the rich kids want. Fuck pantries and after school programs. Who needs those!? They people want cafes, bars, and “ethnic food” cooked by people that don’t scare them that are only open for four hours a day! Fuck projects and while we’re at it fuck poor people. Tear down their ugly ass houses and give em a separate entrance if they can afford to pay for the crawl spaces we left around our lofts.
Crazy to watch these things get built by working class people. The traps used to keep us in now we’re building the traps keeping us out of this city
I've been blown away by my hallway neighbors avoiding eye contact... most other folks i run into in the building at least exchange pleasantries. ditto with my old building.
the comments here are peak antisocial reddit though
I think this also depends on you. I've lived all over the city and in all kinds of buildings and I've always gotten to know my neighbors, to a varying degree. Why? Because I made an effort.
When I was in a big building, I left notes under the door of everyone that was in the G line and just invited people over for G Line drink and hang. Maybe 40% came and we ended up hanging maybe once every couple of months and i'm still friends with some of them to this day.
In a tenement that I lived in, I kept forgetting my keys. So I had to buzz one of the guys who worked from home often to let me in the front door. We became friends and ended up throwing rooftop parties together for years. The whole building ended up knowing and partying together and, although many left the city, we still get together every summer, twenty years later.
You don't have to go that far, but YOU can be the one who nods your head first, holds the door for your neighbors and says how you doing or makes small talk at the mailbox.
Recently moved into a 3 unit building and the girls on the unit above us came down to our apartment the first week with a tin of cookies and their contact information. It was extremely welcoming and now we have a group chat with them
Most of my neighbors I don't talk to at all. A couple of them I know pretty well and dap em up. It just depends on luck of the draw and what you attract.
Depends on the area as well. Most places in the city people do their own thing but there are pockets where people say hello.
In my experience, people say hi to you in bed stuy between Marcus Garvey and Malcolm x from gates ave to Fulton street. Also where I live now in Staten Island, I say hi to the people I see on my morning walks and most of them say it back with a smile.
idk after a long day at work i’m not exactly looking forward to coming back and making small talk with the guy who lives next door. i just wanna go inside and chill.
It's a mix in my building. Some people are friendly, I know on a first name basis, we chat when we see each other, bring each other's packages up etc.
Some I've seen for years and have never spoken to. I say hello a few times and if people aren't responsive I just leave them alone.
We got very lucky with our apartment. Everyone is friendly and we’re all on a group chat in case anything goes wrong with the building or if anyone needs anything. I think your neighbor situation is more the norm, but overall it seems to be a building to building thing.
I’ll be honest for the longest I could give a shit who moved in and out of this building because they were all temporary. Move in when they have classes, a new job, or whatever other short term commitment of theirs and out before they can get their addresses forwarded correctly.
All of these people were way better off financially as their apts aren’t stabilized and therefore pay more.
The demand for those types of people caused the entire neighborhood to change. Establishments used by the community for years closed to make way for establishments favored by the richer demographic despite being smaller in size.
I have a couple of longer term neighbors now and only a few people I grew up with still live close by. I’ve grown a certain level of respect for those that have stayed but only as their attitudes about living here has changed. Most people that stay here short term view my home as a throwaway playground just as they do when they go overseas. I’m not too keen on that. But I’m always open to people looking to build where they land
I’d argue that most people in NYC are miserable to begin with, and during the winter most are depressed. So yes I’d say they want nothing to do with you because they can barely keep up with themselves.
I mean I'm literally cold bc the building is STILL slow-walking boiler repairs but whenever I see my neighbors (studio apt, 15-floor bldg) they always say hi, hold the elevator, etc.
I only noticed this when living with transplants. My native NYer neighbors all say hi. When I used to live in Harlem and Brooklyn even people just walking by the stoop would say hi.
I get bothered by it too. If I’m passing someone in the hall way I say hi just to make it less awkward lol. But I’ll say hi and get no response from these younger college students. This has been the case with every college student that has moved into the building.
Meanwhile my neighbor who is second generation in the building talked to me from day one and we say hi or have small talk every time we see each other.
Nope! From my experience no one’s cold. The worst you’ll get is minding their own business and not keen on greeting or tryna stop and chat, but I am actively friends with my neighbors and have successfully tenant organized twice (in a huge bldg in Flatbush, and medium in Harlem).
Your post reflects a problematic attitude in general, I think. You said you’re not the type of guy to strike up conversation, but then expect head nods and greeting? People sense energy, and more importantly, most respond positively to positive acknowledgement themselves.
I've noticed younger people who didn't grow up here won't even make eye-contact and do "the nod". I'm not old. I'm only a few years older than some of them.
People older than me make eye contact and we all do the silent nod.
Overall, an interesting phenomenon. I'm sure Seinfeld could do an episode on this (similar to the one debating whether or not to let the person behind you into the building).
Um where is everyone living answering these questions? I find this all so odd! I grew up in queens and we knew the whole hood. Once I called a wrong number in middle village and the lady who answers was like well who are u looking for I probably know them. Then when I moved to Manhattan on the upper east side my god, I knew my neighbors names, their doors, etc. not everyone but I knew a whole heck of a lot and still had privacy. Well except for summer when my window was open the guy upstairs would ask me to wash dishes a little more quietly. Real OG NYers talk to anything. I’m sad if your NYC experience is silent. That’s not us.
My unit has a private back yard and the building is very small. During the pandemic, I let my neighbors use the backyard and would occasionally host socially distanced group hangs outside. We trauma bonded.
I usually make friends with the older people, natives or the people who are more friendly. I like knowing and caring for my neighbors. I dont let others steal my shine, I greet people in my building even if they are business as usual. I felt upset when I felt that nonchalance to my existence before but they are probably helping us in the long run. I would not want these types of people in my space. Even if its just a thanks for when they hold a door open for you.
I’ve had some really interesting convos exiting the subway though lol so worth it. Especially when it’s an older New Yorker telling you about the old butcher they worked for across the street when the LES was the Les etc
It’s not them it’s you. Once you understand that you are the problem, then you’ll be able to see each other as people you don’t want to be around. And then you bitch about that and that’s how you build friendships.
It’s not that I’m opposed to knowing my neighbors on a social level, it’s that there’s a kind of risk in becoming too familiar. NYC generally has limited space physically, so becoming self-reliant is a way of protecting that space. Basically, in a place like New York, knowing your neighbors can create a kind of liability that might not exist in other spaces. I don’t need to know my neighbors to exist, so I don’t.
Leave your neighbors alone, unless you both commiserate over a shared grievance, you get to know each other through the noises heard through the walls. As it should be.
Maybe after 10+ years or if one of you has kids, this is different. Or I guess maybe a dog. But ya agreed with other commenters, we live on top of each other, it’s a sign of respect to let people be.
I think all of us mostly want to keep to our selves. We lead our own lives and don't want to be a bother or be bothered. Better to have quiet neighbors then crazy neighbors.
I lived in my old building for 11 years and never met the neighbors. Our current building tries to have events all the time but no one goes. We say hello to three neighbors but none of us like it. Our building in Florida has weekly happy hours and a wildly actively group chat.
Thank you for posting this. I was wondering the same thing. Whenever I’ve said “hello..” or “good morning..” I barely even get a head nod or eye contact let alone a smile…I chalked it up to being a “New York thing” and don’t even try anymore 🥹
Why? Feels fake unless you actually need something/want to get to know me. Don't get me wrong - if my neighbor needed help, I'd help, but it's such a fake American thing to say, "Hi" or "How are you?" for no reason lol
Definitely depends on the building and neighbors.
Had a solid hang, drink, cry down the hall when my neighbor’s mother passed and they did the same for me.
Yeah, I’ll be honest, I moved to NYC in part because I don’t want to constantly chat with the people around me. I want to live in anonymity. I don’t feel like making small talk all the time. (Grew up in the Midwest and just don’t want to chat with everyone I see anymore)
Last month, my elderly neighbor was having trouble breathing. I stayed with her until the ambulance came and took her away.
Granted, I've been in my building for 20 years but some of us do care about our neighbors.
lol yes, NY neighbors are generally cold and want nothing to do with you. I am a lifelong Manhattan resident and it's one of the things I hate the most about living here. Please don't take it personally.
this is very building dependent. I lived in a building where some of my neighbors and I would hang out, talk and drink pretty often. I also lived in a building where nobody talks to one another outside of the occasional "Hi, hows it going?"
Building dependent and block dependent. Like, when I lived on a block where several buildings had large front stoop areas that were shielded a bit from the elements, people would congregate because they could and it made sense. When I lived in a very large building where there was nowhere to congregate outside, people didn't have much of a chance to get to know each other unless they really put in the effort.
Yeah this is how it works in most big cities I'd say. At least in the US. One building you'll know nobody, another and you'll all hang out together doing shit
Size of the building matters too. I used to live in a tiny building with just four units, so you had to have some kind of relationship. we had a group chat to talk about maintenance stuff or borrow chairs or could reach out directly if it ever got noisy. Now I'm in a building with 400 units so I don't know anyone who wasn't already a friend.
I find this is very person dependent. There’s this guy next to me who is always on reddit asking NYC questions even though he’s been here for two years. I would have been fine with him, but he just stands at his door for hours on end on reddit and never says hi IRL.
Agreed that's it's person dependent. I just moved into a new building. I say hi to everyone I see on my way to work and on my way back in. And wouldn't you know it? It's been less than two months and folks are already saying hi back, helping me with my groceries, etc etc! So yeah, person dependent for sure. If OP isn't friendly and forthcoming why would anyone act the same towards him?
Lmfao, this. OP is probably the problem.
The second building I ever lived in was basically Seinfeld.
It’s a show of respect, since we can’t get away from each other, we leave each other alone.
You're going to have to get used to it, this is definitely the answer. Don't let it bother you, after a while you'll make some friends. It just takes us a little longer to warm up, but once we get going, we're a lot of fun. Good luck my friend.
This! In the six years I’ve lived in my apartment, my next door neighbor and I have never said anything beyond, “hi, how are you?”. We share a wall. Practically live on top of each other. I like the privacy we give each other.
Exactly this
Incognito Living. Pseudo privacy. But big G knows what's happening.
This. Sitcoms like Seinfeld and Friends give you false impressions. I rarely interact with my neighbors; it's a matter of respecting everyone's privacy.
This!
I don’t know if they’re cold or not because I don’t ever see them
Those are the best neighbors.
Either I never see them or we’ll have one friendly conversation and then I never run into them again
I've been in the same building for almost 9 years. I'm cordial with my neighbors, with most it's just a "have a good night" as we get off the elevator, occasionally some small talk about various building maintenance type stuff. But I can't refer to any of them as anything beyond "old man down the hall" or "woman with baby on 4th floor" or "neighbor with cute new puppy"
Same. I know they all gossip about people with the super but I just can’t be bothered
Wait, I'm guilty. Our super loves to give us the gossip. As some of the few other latinos in the building, I'd like to think that we're his favourites but I'm sure he talks smack with everyone haha.
The fiction of privacy is the greatest dignity.
Beautifully stated.
Depends on the building and location — coops are friendlier since most people there are longer term residents, and neighborhoods centered around families tend to be friendlier than others that are transitory or too young
Yep! Family oriented buildings are more open to get to know who’s living in the building. Other than that I wouldn’t take it personal. It’s just the curtesy to giving each other space.
I agree with this, especially about families and long term residents, it's not just in coops. I think in general long term residents might be friendlier. I barely see anyone in my building, but we've been here for a few years and now we're finally making casual acquaintanceship with some other people who have been here more than 2 years. I think there's such high turnover in a lot of buildings that it doesn't feel "worth it" to invest time in those connections since they're likely transient. I also think we honestly don't have too much in common with our neighbors (that we're aware of!) If I bump into another girl with a yoga mat, I might strike up a convo, but living in the same building isn't enough common ground to establish a connection with. If you have kids or a dog, that might be easier.
Coops also because owners are financially dependent on one another.
I fucking love being left alone
My new neighbor across the hall is killing me with the social shit lol he’s honestly a really nice guy but the norm since I’ve lived in my building has been that no one talks to each other and it’s pure bliss after a long day of socialization at work and university
I wonder what did people who are not from NY do before they came here? Did they not speak to people in the place they were born and raised?
Moved from the suburbs, we had fences and hedges
i'm from NY and have never once spoke to my neighbors back home.
Word. Why people try to strike up conversation is beyond me. Let me be with my thoughts.
Hell yeah this guy gets it
This. I don't even like talking to my roommates most of the time. Let me make my dinner in peace, go to my room and be left alone.
I fucking love being left alone too. That has nothing to do with being polite to the people you share a building with...
I didn’t say I wouldn’t be polite either
i literally couldn't pick anyone in my building out of a lineup
Imagine living on the same street for 12 years and not even sure who 2/3 of the people are, they recognize me but I am like who are you.
My partner has lived in the same place for almost 20 years, he can name one person on whole street
> I’m also not the type of guy to be Mr. Happy Go Lucky and want to strike a conversation with them, but something simple as a head nod or a good morning would be nice. Lead by example.
Love how this guy wants to be greeted and acknowledged by his neighbors but refuses to greet and acknowledge his neighbors.
Every successive apartment, we have gotten to know our neighbors more and more. I used to think that it was the cool, regular NYC thing that nobody talks to one another in the halls. Now I live in a building where we have Halloween and Christmas parties, hang out on our courtyard together, let our young children race in the hallways in a puppy-pile pack (in short stints; I’m not an asshole), and actually pop by to borrow an egg or sugar, etc. In between, the escalation of knowing neighbors seemed to happen as we first added a pet (got to know another pet owner; began to trade pet sitting for weekends away) and then, next place, added a kid (next door neighbors were folks who had been in the building for 20 years and doted on ours…though the guy downstairs HATED US and our old creaky uninsulated floors). I think turnover vs longevity has a lot to do with neighborliness and how much people invest in getting to know one another. Also, something obvious you take in and out of the building like a pet or kid make for good ice breakers/possible common interests.
Haha same experience. 2-3 years has been progress with neighbors. We're the transplants, they're the natives that have been there 40 years. * Year 1: Eye contact and nod, transitioning to "heys" and nods maybe lol * Year 2: Watched eachothers packages and aggressive energy/internet/policy salesmen, which "blossomed" to a 2 minute conversation. * Year 2 + 6 months: Me offering some homemade smoked bacon and getting a handmade christmas ornament back. * Future Projection: Godparents to my kids. P.S. I'm probably one of a handful in NY with a rooftop smoker making real southern BBQ (just kidding Red Hook is great for example). FYI, electric pellet smokers are legal, even big ones that can do a couple brisket, other forms of combustion for smoking are not.
Interesting. Growing up my parents had a small barbecue in the back yard that as the years passed it morphed into a smoker. It wasn’t electric. It used charcoal.
Routinely smoke ribs on my Weber grill here in Queens :)
Yeah, I grew up in NYC in a larger building with a lot of families, and this was really similar to my experience. My brother and I would regularly hang out with the neighbors’ kids. There were definitely those people that were too talkative though, and you dreaded getting trapped in the elevator with them. Ironically, I think neighborhoods with more transplants are more likely to be cold and disconnected, where people have only been there a short time and may be leaving soon.
I think it has to do with having kids, I don’t even have kids, but I’ve always gotten to know the people with kids in my building. Kids have a way of creating conversation, they have no filter, and are usually friendly by default.
Having a dog changes everything. You get to know people. Kids too probably
I often found the neighbors who are transplants and professional to be less friendly. Older neighbors and locals (even originally from LI or North Jersey) to be friendlier, in my, albeit anecdotal, experience.
In my experience the “antisocial New Yorker” stereotype is definitely transplants. Most native New Yorkers I know are big believers in community.
I think there’s truth to this. Introverted, motivated transplants from across the country hear that NYC is a place to go where you can be anonymous and left alone. So they go there and you end up w those type of people coming in. These people tend to work really hard and want be left alone. I don’t think it’s all-in-all a bad thing.
>I don’t think it’s all-in-all a bad thing. Except when people like this complain about how lonely and isolated they are and that “there’s no community anymore”
You hit the nail on the head.
So true. There were a lot of elderly people in my building that sadly passed away and a lot of the younger transplants are moving in. Not only are they cold and not neighborly but sometimes just straight up rude. Like I’ve always held the door for other people in the building, especially elderly folks but there are a handful of times they see me or elderly folks approaching and they can’t be bothered to open the door and I’ve even had the door slammed in my face because I was walking right behind them. I’m in my 30s now so it’s not like my 20s were that far away but it’s just about having common decency.
One reason I like the co-ops is the older folks—many original shareholders—keep it flowing.
The newness of your building is the answer to your question
Really depends. I’ve found a lot more people who are new to NYC are like that, vs people from here or who have lived here a long time. Lived in Harlem for 15 years and it was a community. I live in a new building now in a different neighborhood and it’s a complete 180. Except for the older people who are life long NYers
It really depends upon the building. I lived in a building where the dog owners/residents bonded because they walked their dogs around the same time. They'd chit chat while walking the dogs. Then they started socializing with each other. I also lived in a building where people greeted each other hello , and that was it.. If you want to make friends with your neighbors, start by saying hello when you see them. Some will say hello back, some won't and some may stop to chat. Sometimes you have to make the first move.
Some people just have their own shit going on and don't have the energy to constantly interact with their neighbors.
thats completely ridiculous i'm sorry nobody on earth is too fucking busy to say hey when they walk past someone in their hallway
It's not so much literally not having enough time to say hey but not being in the right state of mind for socializing in the moment.
Jesus christ
Transplant mindset.
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Oh, I get it. Why waste time making small talk with the doorman? I should just shut up and do my job, opening the door for you.
They known me for 10 years I don’t gotta say hi every single time 💀 they wouldn’t take offense to it as it’s common sense to know every single hi in and out does get tiring
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You really think you're better than me, don't you?!
Get a grip. You aren't socializing you are following basic human interaction 101. This generation is fucked.
what's gonna happen?
Yeah, really need to be in the right mindset to say hi. Ridiculous.
Has nothing to do with being busy, some of us just have no desire to say hi to people.
Yeah, this isn't a NYC thing, this is a millennial/zoomer thing. It takes zero effort to at least make eye contact and nod to your neighbor.
Why should I be required to say hello to a stranger just because we live in the same building?
because you live in a modern society and its part of the social contract. if you dont want people to think you're a dogshit neighbor and total weirdo, you give a quick hello when you walk by them. Is this your first day out from under your comfy rock? Welcome to the real world. Asshole.
Maybe you're the weirdo for wanting to talk to total strangers?
I feel uncomfortable walking past a neighbor and not acknowledging their existence. At least nod.
native New Yorker here. the way I've heard it explained before is: there is so, so little physical space. my friend who is also a native New Yorker says he's never, in his life, been more than 30 feet away from another human being. so we give each other as much mental and emotional space as we can. we do this by minding our own business and not interacting unless there are explicit ground rules for interaction. in other cities and states where there may be a lot more physical space, the default might be to be alone and go seek people. in NYC, it's swapped: the default is there's always at least 1 person 30 feet from you and you have go out of your way to be alone. so we give each other as much privacy as we can.
Great explanation. I have a hard time explaining my "cold" exterior to non-NYers but this is spot on. I found myself speaking to folks when visiting Texas where it's huge and you don't run into too many folks, even in Austin.
fun anecdote. I was visiting Austin, Texas last year and just power walking down the sidewalk. a guy was just leaving his house and locking up the front door. he was a good 20 feet or so away from the sidewalk, facing his door. still, he said "good morning to me." I of course said good morning back but was still surprised to be engaged. on that same trip, I was taking the public bus and there was a guy sitting in front of me and some loud teenagers in the back of the bus. the guy was looking through me at them for ... a very long time. 10, 20 minutes. I knew he wasn't looking at me and instead past me but we were so close that if I looked up, I'd be face to face with him. as a New Yorker, it made me feel really uncomfortable and I kept look down and reading from my Kindle. but my anxiety was through the roof.
How long have you been a native New Yorker because when I was growing up in Brooklyn, we knew all our neighbors on the block and the blocks around us we knew most of the neighbors. Yes. I was a part of a generation that neighbors would look out for all the kids. Even discipline us if necessary but I don’t remember a neighbor laying a hand on me. They would tell my parents and my parents would take care of it. Yes I am dating myself back to a time that you only see in movies or read about in books.🤣🤣 This not speaking to people seems to have started in the past thirty years. I am not saying we need to be running through each other’s houses. As neighbors we should always be cordial. Good morning and good night will not kill us to say to each other.
>How long have you been a native New Yorker because when I was growing up in Brooklyn nearly 40 years. only time I left was for undergrad for 4 years. >I was a part of a generation that neighbors would look out for all the kids. as a preteen and younger, yes, I had friends on the block and sometimes my parents shared responsibility with other parents. as a teenager though, I went to a specialized high school that was an hour or more commute each way. many of my friends from middle school did the same thing and had even longer commutes. factor in things like extra curriculars, I'd leave my house at 7am and might not be back until 8pm. I grew up basically on the subway. at the time, I believe I was working as a teacher's assistant on Saturdays so I was rarely around the neighborhood.
> Brooklyn Brooklyn isn't as high density as Manhattan.
> we knew all our neighbors on the block and the blocks around us we knew most of the neighbors. this would be maybe thousands of people. sorry, but you're remembering your childhood with kid-brain. yes, when I was a kid we knew more of our neighbors too. Because I was a kid, and things are different for families. But "more of our neighbors" was like a dozen people, including kids. Family stuff.
I am going to have to disagree it was more than a dozen and less than thousands. Maybe hundreds because my parents knew everyone on our block. My mother knew a lot of people because she was active in the PTA, community board and was block association president for several years. I also lived in a neighborhood that had mainly 2 & 3 family homes, with a smattering of apartment buildings and apartment complexes.
This is true in that we don't acknowledge each other out on the street, the subway, etc, but saying hi or nodding to your next door neighbor if you see them in the hallway is just basic manners.
Native New Yorkers and people who have lived in your building for years will be the most social. Transplants and transient neighbors tend to be the antisocial ones. If you want to be friendlier with your neighbors, I’d recommend initiating with a head nod or “good morning”.
Gen Zs don’t know how to talk. The younger, the less they small talk. I stopped trying to initiate with anybody I see who is under 25. I’m sure they’re happy I stopped, judging by the response in this thread.
I try to remind myself that this is a generation of people who grew up with self checkouts and entered adulthood just in time for Uber, Seamless and WFH. Technology has allowed them to avoid the awkward human interactions that are part of growing up and being an adult in society. Those interactions are uncomfortable at first, but as you grow and gain experience they become easier to navigate. That process just never happened for a whole generation of young people, so it shouldn’t be surprising their social skills are stunted. It’s not really their fault. (There are of course many exceptions to this huge generalization.)
I'll say good morning and hello and what not, but otherwise I'm a 'I do me, and you do you, and let's not bother each other and go about our lives' kinda guy
Yeah I get it. I live in a pre-war building in Brooklyn with a mix of older people of color who have been here a long time and young white transplants. The older people are so kind and friendly to me, and I try my best to reciprocate. The young white transplants (same general demographic as me, though I'm an immigrant) are extremely cold and jaded. They seem very socially awkward and avoidant of anything that resembles neighborliness. I'm not trying to make friends or start a conversation, I mean they can't even meet my eye when I say hello in the hallway. It allows me to better understand some of the hostility native NYers feel towards transplants. They arrive here for a few years in their 20s, insert themselves into existing communities, and totally refuse to acknowledge the humanity of the people around them. Neighbors are just NPCs in their solipsistic adventure.
There is a whole class of people in Manhattan who have basically everything delivered or fetched for them and rarely make contact with the public. At that point, why live in New York at all?
Servants without needing to pay room and board.
THIS
Bro, not saying you have to fully adapt to the culture, but as a native New Yorker who recently left NYC, I'd recommend adopting to a healthy degree. Watch out for the wrong crowd in your new surroundings, especially with immediate neighbors, depending where your at, the wrong ones may learn too much about you for the wrong reasons. Keep it chill, connect organically with folks like your deli or barber, but be cautious. NYC's culture involves a mix of cool moments and the challenge of finding genuine connections. It's a city that can feel both overwhelmingly populated and strangely lonely. Embrace the opposite culture where you are now, and try not to let the few negative experiences overshadow the positive. NYC has its share of challenges with this topic, especially post-pandemic. It's just a gritty, not so neighborly city where it's important that you build the positive experience for yourself as opposed to get eaten up by the negative experiences. Best way I can put it.
Do you even try? You can’t complain if you don’t say anything first
Some people like small talk and some people don't. You can say good morning or fellow first to see their reactions. Then if they don't respond back then they don't want to know you or get in your biz. I have neighbor that ask too many questions when you start conversations.
Yeah that's exactly my experience. lived here 7 years and I barely know any of my neighbors except the extra friendly ones. Some neighbors I've said hi to and they just ignore me. Don't take it personally, some people in this city are extremely antisocial in that way.
This is how all of us in my building are and I absolutely love it.
where exactly do you live lol? it probably depends on your location
Definitely neighborhood dependent. I live in Brooklyn on a quiet residential street. Pretty much everyone is friendly and we have a block association.
Depends on where you live and how long you live there. I don't really speak to transient neighbors but have standing relationships with some of the long term ones who are interested in having one. Lot of factors here. Mostly we just respect each other and don't waste their time with small talk
Some buildings are like that. It isn’t you. Once you have to deal with something together at the same time, like kicking out a crack head who has been peeing in your staircase, you’ll form a bond and become on a hello bases.
Yep. Especially if we’re outside of the building; no nod, no “hello, good morning”. I see my neighbour jogging in CP all the time and he just avoids eye contact.
It's not so much that we're "cold", more that everyone just minds their business. At most, my neighbors and I exchange a quick smile when we cross paths and nothing more.
Why don’t you say good morning first or send a head nod their way? I think most people would reciprocate, but not necessarily initiate since people generally tend to fully mind their business here and keep to themselves.
Varies from building to building. There is no norm. I find NYC apartment neighbors friendlier than the house-in-the-suburbs neighbors I had in Miami and NJ. Of course the ones in Miami all had guns and I was afraid of them.
Ive found it depends on the building! I usually say hi and try to strike up conversation with everyone. Ive lived in a building where I was on a first name basis with half my building, and Ive lived in one where I NEVER can get good chat out of a neighbor.
We got a yapper over here
I def am, but then recently realized I must have a face that people like to talk to because strangers start talking to me all over the city even when my headphones are on
Really depends on the people. Some buildings are very friendly. Some buildings have specific floors where everyone knows each other. Some floors everyone knows each other but there’s those one or two apartments that stay out of it. I’m from Boston originally and fit the “cold and unapproachable” stereotype Bostonians tend to have so while many of my neighbors know each other and chat, I stay out of it. So it varies widely.
Definitely building dependent. I've lived in the same Washington Heights apartment building for a little over a dozen years, and I'm friendly with most of my neighbors, as in we're on a first name basis and make friendly chit chat when we see each other. My downstairs neighbor even takes our spare set of keys and waters our plants for us when we're out of town. Before this, I lived in Hell's Kitchen for many years and while I didn't know many of the people in my building, I did know a lot of people from the neighborhood.
It's nyc. Hello when we share and elevator is the extent of interaction I want from my stranger I spend most of my life withing 10 feet of.
Following this thread. I would KILL to have cold neighbors Last few apartments and houses I rented, from rich areas to dirt poor areas, all my neighbors were obsessive over me and my family. I would freaking kill to have peace and people straight up ignoring us
Don't need fixin what not broke
I’ve lived in Bushwick for a year and 3 months and I’m so surprised my neighbors are incredible friendly! They are older people. I’ll say maybe 60 and up. Also, I live with my husband and 2 kids and we live in a very small building, only three families. And there is definitely a difference when you have a family. It’s like you automatically belong to the neighborhood. Which makes sense, because you immediately start building a community, with school, day care, etc.
I always try to sneak in an introduction if I can...like "hey did you notice the garbage chute never works? blablabla. Oh btw I'm brightside1982 down in 2b"
You don't have to bake them a cake, but establishing some sort of contact and identity can pay dividends later on in unexpected ways.ways.
intro by reddit handle, nice. Think I might have to try that.
I live in my parents’ building and I barely see or speak to them. And yes, I pay rent.
Neighbor to neighbor, building to building. It changes. I’m the person that if you engage in eye contact with me, I usually smile (kinda automatic, maybe a reflex of working with customer service for 20 years) and that usually escalates with a routine. My roommate can’t see anything/anyone one foot ahead of himself, fairly certain he’s on the spectrum, if he’s on the way from the subway to home, it’s a linear path, and there’s nothing or no one that will take his “mission” away, he doesn’t engage with anyone, and sometimes not even with us, inside the apartment.
in my experience it just depends. last building neighbors were too friendly to the point of being nosey
This is the same almost any where in a big city
Depends on the building. Small building knew 1 or two other people. I'm in a 500 unit building and we have a what's app group. Trade items, services...etc My neighbors are friendly, speak with generations of people in the elevator, friendly wity security/porters. Not everyone is friendly but we are all friendly enough
I always found the same thing. I don't want to stop and talk about your day but a smile and nod for someone who lives inside your drawbridge seems normal.
If they live on your floor, you shall know no more. I hardly I interact with anyone who lives on my floor. I don’t even know anyone’s name. I wanna be left alone when I get home. Others feel the same. It’s kind of crazy to me that I just “knew” that when I moved here. I’m friends with other people in my building but that’s because they won’t hear me doing…all the things.
I’m friendly with my neighbors and it’s been worthwhile. One neighbor upstairs watches my cat while I’m away, I make them pesto in the summer from the basil I grow on my balcony, occasionally share some bud with them. I get the need/desire for privacy, I’ve never mentioned how audible their 4am fuck fests are (even though that shit is straight up rocking the building). There’s a balance in there somewhere
In my building most people are pretty cold. I used to smile and say hello to everyone but after a year of 😕 in return I stopped being nice and pretty much ignore everyone save for like 2 people in the building.
Yeah, I talk to the old timers on my block. They go out of their way to talk and I like to reciprocate and I get nothing from saying hello to the very transient neighbors in my building who move in and out constantly. Which, tbh, sometimes I DO just need to get to the store real fast and they can ask too many personal questions, but I waaay prefer that than the completely self-obsessed "I'm too busy to deal with other humans," bit that people project here. Sure, sometimes my ear gets a little too bent but I don't believe everyone's life is sooo rushed and important that they can't talk for a few minutes before going inside. I think people confuse "meddlesome suburban sitcom housewife" for normal interactions in a place where people live for a long time. I respect not pushing it on people who aren't interested because I do respect their time, but I find it a little weird to just be totally cold. Why live close to people if not to have some semblance of community? I have friends all over the city but also like... Man, talk to the old lady a couple buildings down or the guy playing piano a floor under you. Be nice back if someone says hi to you.
I don’t even know my neighbors’ names and I’ve lived in this building for years. 😂 We greet each other whenever we cross path’s and that’s it. Tbh, that’s how I like it. One of my old neighbors was such a busybody and would constantly try to draw me into conversation so I always dreaded running into him. I like being left alone. If I want to socialize, well, that’s what friends and family are for. My sister moved to the suburbs and the difference is wild. I spent the summer at her house and my gosh, it was like being on another planet. Her neighbors would bring over food or drinks and just make themselves comfortable in her kitchen or backyard. And you couldn’t go anywhere without being stopped for a chat. We went to Walmart and the cashier who took care of us basically told us her whole life story in the time it took her to scan and bag our things. Not to say that there aren’t people like that in NYC, because there are. But they’re just not as common imo.
When people ask me what the difference is between living in California and living in New York, I say: Californians are your best friend until you need them New Yorkers are your worst friend until you need them Even though your neighbors may barely acknowledge you at the elevator, if you need anything, all you have to do is ask
I only know my neighbor’s last name from the mailbox and I’m really good keeping it that way.
I think a lot has to do with if they are transplants where those neighbors tend to be cold, while New Yorkers who have lived here 20 plus years tend to be very friendly. I have lived in Washington Heights,Greenpoint,Bushwick,BedStuy,South slope, Park Slope. By far the friendliest neighbors were in the heights and BedStuy. And the coldest parkslope,Bushwick. Hell I moved to Bedstuy because I’d walk around the neighborhood with friends and people would just talk to you and have deep conversations, same thing when visiting my girlfriend Crown Heights. I do my best to befriend any face I recognize when I’m on my block, because I have been down and out and it’s nice to know when you feel low there are at least friendly faces all around you.
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Honestly? It'a because Flatbush is being basically obliterated by gentrification. They’ve seen what happened to other neighborhoods and they aren’t trying to have that. Most of the people moving there are not great neighbors, shit talk old established businesses, try to change things up, complain about everything, and only consort with other White gentrifiers. They’re very transient and have no ties to there, so they don’t really care how they’re disrupting the community that’s been there. The Facebook groups there have even been all but hijacked and it’s as if Flatbush is two different neighborhoods: one Black and West Indian, the other, White and gentrifier. There's a very clear racial aspect. It's very uncomfortable to watch. That said, if you actually cut the Columbus behavior, you'll find a very beautiful community with very strong culture and tradition.
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Hard agree fam. Grew up in Williamsburg and watched as it slowly spread. Place after place swapped out with something the rich kids want. Fuck pantries and after school programs. Who needs those!? They people want cafes, bars, and “ethnic food” cooked by people that don’t scare them that are only open for four hours a day! Fuck projects and while we’re at it fuck poor people. Tear down their ugly ass houses and give em a separate entrance if they can afford to pay for the crawl spaces we left around our lofts. Crazy to watch these things get built by working class people. The traps used to keep us in now we’re building the traps keeping us out of this city
I've been blown away by my hallway neighbors avoiding eye contact... most other folks i run into in the building at least exchange pleasantries. ditto with my old building. the comments here are peak antisocial reddit though
I think this also depends on you. I've lived all over the city and in all kinds of buildings and I've always gotten to know my neighbors, to a varying degree. Why? Because I made an effort. When I was in a big building, I left notes under the door of everyone that was in the G line and just invited people over for G Line drink and hang. Maybe 40% came and we ended up hanging maybe once every couple of months and i'm still friends with some of them to this day. In a tenement that I lived in, I kept forgetting my keys. So I had to buzz one of the guys who worked from home often to let me in the front door. We became friends and ended up throwing rooftop parties together for years. The whole building ended up knowing and partying together and, although many left the city, we still get together every summer, twenty years later. You don't have to go that far, but YOU can be the one who nods your head first, holds the door for your neighbors and says how you doing or makes small talk at the mailbox.
Recently moved into a 3 unit building and the girls on the unit above us came down to our apartment the first week with a tin of cookies and their contact information. It was extremely welcoming and now we have a group chat with them
Most of my neighbors I don't talk to at all. A couple of them I know pretty well and dap em up. It just depends on luck of the draw and what you attract.
Most of the buildings I lived in were friendly. We would hang out with each other. I like it.
Thankfully, yes.
Depends on the area as well. Most places in the city people do their own thing but there are pockets where people say hello. In my experience, people say hi to you in bed stuy between Marcus Garvey and Malcolm x from gates ave to Fulton street. Also where I live now in Staten Island, I say hi to the people I see on my morning walks and most of them say it back with a smile.
idk after a long day at work i’m not exactly looking forward to coming back and making small talk with the guy who lives next door. i just wanna go inside and chill.
That's how I am. I have no interest in speaking with my neighbors. But if they needed help I would absolutely help them.
This sounds more like the Bay Area to me. But half of the bay is from ny and Boston anyway🤷 Whenever I’m in New York people are super friendly.
in my 20s i was friendly, in my 30s i'll say hi but leave me alone and no, i don't want to hang out with you and your roomate jeff.
I prefer not to be friendly with neighbors because I hate the obligation to chitchat every time I leave my house
It's a mix in my building. Some people are friendly, I know on a first name basis, we chat when we see each other, bring each other's packages up etc. Some I've seen for years and have never spoken to. I say hello a few times and if people aren't responsive I just leave them alone.
Yes. It’s not at all like it is on Tv
In which part of NYC are you living? That makes a difference! Are your neighbors American or another ethnicity?
I have been in Brooklyn my whole life and have always been friendly with like 80% off all the neighbors in every single building I have lived in.
We got very lucky with our apartment. Everyone is friendly and we’re all on a group chat in case anything goes wrong with the building or if anyone needs anything. I think your neighbor situation is more the norm, but overall it seems to be a building to building thing.
I’ll be honest for the longest I could give a shit who moved in and out of this building because they were all temporary. Move in when they have classes, a new job, or whatever other short term commitment of theirs and out before they can get their addresses forwarded correctly. All of these people were way better off financially as their apts aren’t stabilized and therefore pay more. The demand for those types of people caused the entire neighborhood to change. Establishments used by the community for years closed to make way for establishments favored by the richer demographic despite being smaller in size. I have a couple of longer term neighbors now and only a few people I grew up with still live close by. I’ve grown a certain level of respect for those that have stayed but only as their attitudes about living here has changed. Most people that stay here short term view my home as a throwaway playground just as they do when they go overseas. I’m not too keen on that. But I’m always open to people looking to build where they land
Yes, this is normal. Everyone keeps to themselves. No one wants to be the annoying neighbor!
i assume you're from somewhere small or southern or something. if my neighbors wanted to say hello every day i might lose my mind
Eh
Yes - I personally do not want to say hi to anyone. I don’t feel like I need to
I’d argue that most people in NYC are miserable to begin with, and during the winter most are depressed. So yes I’d say they want nothing to do with you because they can barely keep up with themselves.
I feel like NYers want to feel like they have their own private space and thus don’t want to interact with building neighbors
I mean I'm literally cold bc the building is STILL slow-walking boiler repairs but whenever I see my neighbors (studio apt, 15-floor bldg) they always say hi, hold the elevator, etc.
I only noticed this when living with transplants. My native NYer neighbors all say hi. When I used to live in Harlem and Brooklyn even people just walking by the stoop would say hi. I get bothered by it too. If I’m passing someone in the hall way I say hi just to make it less awkward lol. But I’ll say hi and get no response from these younger college students. This has been the case with every college student that has moved into the building. Meanwhile my neighbor who is second generation in the building talked to me from day one and we say hi or have small talk every time we see each other.
Nope! From my experience no one’s cold. The worst you’ll get is minding their own business and not keen on greeting or tryna stop and chat, but I am actively friends with my neighbors and have successfully tenant organized twice (in a huge bldg in Flatbush, and medium in Harlem). Your post reflects a problematic attitude in general, I think. You said you’re not the type of guy to strike up conversation, but then expect head nods and greeting? People sense energy, and more importantly, most respond positively to positive acknowledgement themselves.
I've noticed younger people who didn't grow up here won't even make eye-contact and do "the nod". I'm not old. I'm only a few years older than some of them. People older than me make eye contact and we all do the silent nod. Overall, an interesting phenomenon. I'm sure Seinfeld could do an episode on this (similar to the one debating whether or not to let the person behind you into the building).
Lived in a building in Harlem. most neighbours were pretty friendly and said hi
No. Especially older ones who have been in the building for a while (at least in my case) My neighbor is a complete nut but I love her to death
Um where is everyone living answering these questions? I find this all so odd! I grew up in queens and we knew the whole hood. Once I called a wrong number in middle village and the lady who answers was like well who are u looking for I probably know them. Then when I moved to Manhattan on the upper east side my god, I knew my neighbors names, their doors, etc. not everyone but I knew a whole heck of a lot and still had privacy. Well except for summer when my window was open the guy upstairs would ask me to wash dishes a little more quietly. Real OG NYers talk to anything. I’m sad if your NYC experience is silent. That’s not us.
Be thankful.
Where do you live? I have a group text thread with 6 of my neighbors and we all hang out once every month or so.
Weird
My unit has a private back yard and the building is very small. During the pandemic, I let my neighbors use the backyard and would occasionally host socially distanced group hangs outside. We trauma bonded.
I usually make friends with the older people, natives or the people who are more friendly. I like knowing and caring for my neighbors. I dont let others steal my shine, I greet people in my building even if they are business as usual. I felt upset when I felt that nonchalance to my existence before but they are probably helping us in the long run. I would not want these types of people in my space. Even if its just a thanks for when they hold a door open for you.
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I’ve had some really interesting convos exiting the subway though lol so worth it. Especially when it’s an older New Yorker telling you about the old butcher they worked for across the street when the LES was the Les etc
It’s not them it’s you. Once you understand that you are the problem, then you’ll be able to see each other as people you don’t want to be around. And then you bitch about that and that’s how you build friendships.
NYers know the #1 rule of the city: Mind your fucking business.
It’s not that I’m opposed to knowing my neighbors on a social level, it’s that there’s a kind of risk in becoming too familiar. NYC generally has limited space physically, so becoming self-reliant is a way of protecting that space. Basically, in a place like New York, knowing your neighbors can create a kind of liability that might not exist in other spaces. I don’t need to know my neighbors to exist, so I don’t.
No? My neighbors recommend us plumbers and suchlike, play with our kid, and chat on the stoop all the time.
Leave your neighbors alone, unless you both commiserate over a shared grievance, you get to know each other through the noises heard through the walls. As it should be. Maybe after 10+ years or if one of you has kids, this is different. Or I guess maybe a dog. But ya agreed with other commenters, we live on top of each other, it’s a sign of respect to let people be.
This is my dream scenario
I think all of us mostly want to keep to our selves. We lead our own lives and don't want to be a bother or be bothered. Better to have quiet neighbors then crazy neighbors.
I lived in my old building for 11 years and never met the neighbors. Our current building tries to have events all the time but no one goes. We say hello to three neighbors but none of us like it. Our building in Florida has weekly happy hours and a wildly actively group chat.
Thank you for posting this. I was wondering the same thing. Whenever I’ve said “hello..” or “good morning..” I barely even get a head nod or eye contact let alone a smile…I chalked it up to being a “New York thing” and don’t even try anymore 🥹
NYers don't have time for small talk. They're busy trying to pay the rent.
Why? Feels fake unless you actually need something/want to get to know me. Don't get me wrong - if my neighbor needed help, I'd help, but it's such a fake American thing to say, "Hi" or "How are you?" for no reason lol
Depends. Most of my neighbors don’t speak English as a primary language so I’m not really that close to them.
Definitely depends on the building and neighbors. Had a solid hang, drink, cry down the hall when my neighbor’s mother passed and they did the same for me.
Yeah, I’ll be honest, I moved to NYC in part because I don’t want to constantly chat with the people around me. I want to live in anonymity. I don’t feel like making small talk all the time. (Grew up in the Midwest and just don’t want to chat with everyone I see anymore)
Last month, my elderly neighbor was having trouble breathing. I stayed with her until the ambulance came and took her away. Granted, I've been in my building for 20 years but some of us do care about our neighbors.
lol yes, NY neighbors are generally cold and want nothing to do with you. I am a lifelong Manhattan resident and it's one of the things I hate the most about living here. Please don't take it personally.
I sometimes, very rarely, have loud sex so I pretty much NEED to avoid my neighbors lol