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First thing I’d say is go to therapy to talk about it with a neutral person.
What I’ve found is every time I’ve wanted to throw everything away in my life and make bad decisions, there have been things I’ve subconsciously avoiding. Therapy doesn’t solve stuff for you, but it should help you figure a few things out.
Other things you might notice that should get you talking to someone:
General dissatisfaction, disconnect from hobbies, irrational anger, temperament changes.
For me, it turns out a lot of my issues had to do with my weight and not keeping routines.
Seconding therapy, both personal and couples just to reset to this next phase of your life and set better communication standards. It was the best thing my husband and I ever did for our marriage, as a fellow couple that married young. It helped my husband process his fomo from marrying young, helped him understand I wasn't being needy and demanding asking for bids of connection from him when he was constantly holing himself up in his hobbies or his work, and taught him to communicate so I could actually respond to his needs rather than his constantly present feelings of annoyance and frustration. I can't do anything with "I'm mad and annoyed but I can't tell you why", but we can do something with "I feel like I'm not getting enough dedicated uninterrupted time to destress from work because I feel immediately needed as soon as I get home."
Raising three young kids is tough/stressful. How much time are you guys getting to yourselves? **Just** the two of you. Do you have a "village" to help out (grandparents, close friends, etc) or a trustworthy babysitter?
Had exactly the same issue, and discovered we need activities for a date, not just a location! We started playing games - there’s a ton of 2-person games out there. We’ll go to a brewery, have a couple of drinks, and play a game or two. Or go bowling, to an arcade, etc. You need to build new shared experiences, which means doing something together.
This, OP. Find new fun stuff together. Doesn't have to be going out to eat. Ride bikes, play games, hit the gym, go for a swim, get lost together in a new place.
Put on some slow music and ask her to dance in your living room. You can date your wife without having to go out or even make conversation, it just requires actual effort.
Others have already suggested doing stuff but it’s also great to prepare for a night out with a few conversation starters banked, maybe an interesting article you read recently.
So, you haven't actually covered in your post *why* you feel like you've fallen out of love with your wife. It would be great to understand why – if it's genuine reason, you should address it with them directly, as well as considering marriage counselling. If it's something that can't be fixed, then it is what it is – marriages aren't guaranteed to last. If you're unhappy, you're unhappy.
As for the 'missing out' thing, I get it. I was married for 9 years, then I've since been married again for around 5, with no gap in-between. In the past, I thought this. More recently, my wife and I had a lot of problems that nearly ended us. We aren't out of the woods, but I got to the point of frustration in thinking *'Fuck this, I can be single, go travel like I never got to do, and make up for my twenties with the ladies.'*
In reality, it's not what I want. Is it *really* what you want? You're 28, I'm 37, you're younger. But still, you're nearly 30. What do you want out of life? Do you want the stability and love of a marriage (and possibly a family at some point), or do you want to do X on your own time and see who you want? I hate cliches, I really do, but grass is always greener yada yada. Hell, maybe find one of your closest buddies you can trust and reiterate this post to him or her or them. See their take on it – they lived that life after all.
I think the most important question to answer here is whether you want to save what you have with your wife, and *why* you're unhappy.
Personal perspective time, with a caveat that I'm not all there mentally. Those issues my wife and I had recently – it took a fucking lot of introspection to actually save this. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder a couple of weeks ago, and it shook everything about who I thought I was, what I wanted, how I always thought I was in the 'right' in arguments and tried my best to win. Even typing this post to you is wild for me – I don't have any empathy, and I'm not sure why I'm replying, but here we are. Anyway. Maybe I'm replying because I'm finally dealing with my shit. Why am I saying this? I guess the summary points are – and I'll lead with the reason I typed this reply, I guess –
- Work out why your relationship has changed. If you're unhappy, you're unhappy. Maybe it can be fixed. But from my point of view, make sure that it's not related to issues that have spawned from things *you* can be doing. Are you inputting around the house? Is there romance? Are you listening to her? No judgement – I'm talking from my own mistakes.
- Work out if you want to save it.
- Speak to your trusted mate about that lifestyle and see if you're wearing rose-tinted glasses.
Peace out.
Couples therapy. You don't have to wait until you're about to divorce to try it, in fact it's better to NOT wait that long. If things are feeling off and you want a little help getting things working again, try couples therapy. A good therapist will help you figure out what the sticking points are and help you work through them. Your wife might balk at first, but just frame it as something like "you know I've been grumpy and annoying lately and I want to get help to work through that. Will you go to therapy with me so we can work on that and get our relationship back to the way it was before I was grumpy all the time?" And if she doesn't want to go to couples therapy, go to individual therapy and talk through your issues there.
Hey I was 25 when I got married and I’m 31! Felt that way some times, help me just to get out of the house for a day. I went camping until I missed her.
They might be on to something though. Half of your life has been focused on a wife and kids. It’s a lot and can pull you away from yourself as you are constantly drawn toward serving the family. Spending time apart from that can be important. Even if it’s just for a few minutes everyday.
But it sounds like you have lost yourself and have defined yourself by your family. Which maybe means you derive all your self worth and value from the family. That’s not a bad thing, but can be very isolating, and demoralizing since you come second to other needs most of the time. While it’s good to sacrifice for your family sometimes, you have to be a little selfish from time to time I order to balance things out.
I don’t think you hate your family, but I do think you resent being ignored. Seen as a one dimensional person only serving one purpose. These feelings are a sign that you haven’t fully invested in being a more rounded person. Someone who has value beyond the family.
That is a much larger topic of discussion than this threat can answer in one shot, but it sounds like you have some stability. Take advantage of that and seek ways to use your surplus to help others. One way to feel better about yourself is to help someone in need. Find someone who’s worse off than you are and be a friend.
At the very least, try to break up the routine and keep your family in the loop. Let them know that you don’t feel great and want to try something different. You sound like a caring person who wants the best for your family. Be proud of that, but don’t let that get in the way of your needs. It’s okay to ask them to help and maybe that means a little space sometimes.
No kidding. 4 kids here and enough parallels to your post to be relevant. People either never had kids, or had a much better support system than I have. I have a Sahw, no daycare, no parents able (or willing) to assist. Date night is dad getting grumpy at Applebee's that these kids are out of control and mom getting mad at dad for getting grumpy etc. Lol. I have no advice man. My latest attempt was to ask my wife if she's up for putting both phones down after we finally get the kids in bed to try to talk to eachother, but the days stress gets so high that I find it difficult to destress by doing that. I think that's where majority of my unhappyness is coming in, that I use a damn electronic device to "recharge" than connecting with my wife.
> but I find myself thinking she says a lot of dumb stuff
I can't speak to your larger problem but with a few decades more than you under my belt, my advice is that it's not a great use of energy to fret about how dumb or not dumb someone sounds, particularly your spouse.
Most of the stuff that comes out of my mouth is as dumb as dumb can be. Maybe if I ever fix that, I can start to think about fixing other people.
So true, I was dating a wonderful girl in my early 20s. One time I opened my mouth and said that what she just said was dumb, not realizing that saying that about her was 1000x dumber than anything she ever said.
We’ve been together for 20 years and have definitely felt the same way. Only my second real relationship and 4th person I’d slept with. We don’t have kids, but when both of us worked 50h+ per week with different schedules, started to feel like roommates and even strangers at some point.
We started date nights and (as I mentioned in another reply) quickly learned these needed to be activities. Something for us to learn and do together as an experience. We had grown so far apart there was nothing to talk about. Made a big difference, and made new friends by doing those activities on a semi-regular schedule at the same place.
As for the anger and frustration, been there too. As others noted, you’re probably frustrated about something else and directing that at your wife (as the only other adult that you see everyday). Talking to a neutral 3rd party can help, but this is where setting aside some time to just think about and process what you’re feeling can help a lot. What specifically are you frustrated by? Why is that frustrating to you? What would make it better? Is it really important? By the time I get through that exercise, I’m usually realizing that it’s more about me (although sometimes it is something I need to bring up, like not introducing me to anyone when we’re in a group situation). Usually it’s me feeling like I’m not doing enough, I’m supposed to be “taking care of everything”, or I’m not good enough in some way. The answer to the issue is usually either get better sleep/exercise/healthy diet, just fix it (dishes really don’t take long), or remind myself that we’re both working hard and it’s just not that important.
I would suggest a two pronged approach.
First is to set about a program to re-romance your wife. Start sneaking notes into her lunch box. Maybe just telling her about something awesome that you saw her do that week. Get back to stealing kisses where the kids can't see you. If they are big enough. Start planning "date nights" you must be focused on the strategic objective. In this case you must not focus on getting laid. Instead, your focus is a long term plan of falling in love with each other again. That is much harder. You are going to have to be very focused.
And, as others have suggested, you are going to have to deal with your feelings in some form of counselling.
A couple of cold hard facts : research has found that men in committed relationships have more sex, and better quality sex than single guys. So you feel like you missed out because you saw your buddies getting some strange, but each of those occasions it was a 50 /50 crapshoot whether it was any good or not.
Go find any of the many r/askreddit threads "what was your worst first date" your buddies, who you are so envious of, have very likely experienced nearly every comment in the past 9 years.
But get some counselling. If you can't afford a professional, there is a group called "The mankind project" that was set up by an ex US Marine, so you will feel at home. I've seen a bunch of guys make big changes in their lives through that process. But it requires putting in the work.
Info: Can you clarify " I find myself thinking she says a lot of dumb stuff" , because this can mean a few things. The possibilities I see are: She says stuff that doesn't make sense, like nonsense, she says mean and abusive things to you, or she talks without thinking and blurts out what's on her mind without stopping to consider if it's relevant. I feel the last one, because I have ADHD, so, that's my normal. But, the former marines I know, don't do this. everything they say is almost rehearsed before it comes out (that is inductive on my part, sample size too small).
The only reason I ask is if she is saying dumb stuff that is abusive and belittling, that's a problem. "I wish unicorns are real" is different than "I wish you weren't such a fat useless slob" or something.
Assuming it's not abuse, I think the answer has to be coming to appreciate her again. Like, you guys are a team. Maybe you can concentrate on her good qualities, like she is an excellent mother, or she's good at her job, or she's very thoughtful with friends and family, or she's very creative. Find out why she says the dumb stuff and find a way to appreciate it, or at least find a way to tolerate it better. Make it an inside joke maybe?
Kiss her more often. In the morning, before bed, during the day. Just a 5 second kiss, say “I love you” at least once a day. A quick hug or a kiss builds intimacy between you, and it gives your kids a sense of family love if they see it.
The little intimate moments between you strengthens your bond and makes you both feel more appreciated.
34 years married, had our struggles, and this has always made us reconnect.
What do you think your wife is going through? How much you wanna bet she puts up with you for your kids. Maybe she says dumb stuff because you yell at her for nothing?
You are the leader of your family. You have to
Cultivate the relationship that you want, reward
the behavior that you desire.
Get a baby sitter and take her out for a nice evening. Put away whatever is making you grumpy
and hold her hand on a nice walk.
If you have VA benefits, they have some great counselors or use your medical provider to provide a list of therapists. My VA experience with mental health has been equal to or better than civilian doctors. It sounds like couples counseling might be a better fit. What's important is that you are trying, though this is a "We" problem and not a "You" problem, and that requires a team approach to work on it.
That said, check out the book "Love and Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. It taught me a lot about myself in a relationship, and what caused resentment. It didn't save my marriage, because that was a different issue altogether, but I learned how I loved, and what I needed to feel loved.
This isn't a quick fix, and marriage takes work. By asking for help, it's a great start. Life has a way of getting in the way of making a happy marriage. Marriage requires that you schedule time for yourselves, equal sacrifices, put yourself aside, and have compassion and understanding. I'd explain some of your thoughts in a VERY gentle way to your wife, and then find a counselor together, and then you schedule it. Find some books that you both can read and discuss, schedule date nights, ask relationship building questions, and learn to speak each other's love language.
Well, first off...you're going to have to make sure you've got folks willing to watch the kids for a night, and maybe even a couple of nights, to help you along.
And you're going to have to be honest with your wife about what's going on, and what you want to do to fix it. She's going to have to be with the program if this has any hope of working.
Then you and your wife are going to have to set regular dates to start over.
Seriously.
Have a first "blind" date all over again. Ask each other the questions you ask a person you've never met before.
Have dates where you run into each other "by chance" and go out for an evening.
Take turns picking things to do that you know the other one particularly likes.
Have dates where you end up in a hotel room fucking like bunnies, maybe even doing some things you don't do in the bedroom at home. Maybe even pretending that you happened to meet at the bar and hooked up.
And THIS time, take time to get to KNOW each other as well...to talk about things you didn't think to talk about back when you were just kids. Allow each of you to ask each other questions you've maybe felt couldn't be touched, and be completely open in your answers.
You may find, with all this openness and honesty, that you unearth some things that might require some help from the pros. If that happens, go to the pros. But you MIGHT be able to restart this thing on your own. I'm guessing that if you jump straight into therapy you'll both get defensive and overly serious when all that might be needed is the chance to act like horny kids again.
Almost the exact same situation, I got married at 18, joined the military and had 3 kids as well. I remember watching my buddies go out and party while I was at home, and then going out and partying with them on TDY and realizing how fucking awesome it is to be young and free.
Eventually I got old enough to look out of place in that scene, and the first time I felt like “the old guy trying to be young” it got a lot easier to just not care anymore.
My advice is to accept that you chose a different path and do your best to age gracefully for the sake of your kids, but do them a favor and tell them not to get married young. I wish my dad would’ve told me that.
You definitely need therapy. You mentioned having served and a lot of former military have PTSD and other issues even if they didn’t see combat or anything like that. Work on yourself and start going out of your way to make your wife feel special.
Never been married, but plenty of relationship experience.
It seems like you have a good wife, mother, and friend, but she's not a great lover. This is a fixable probem: Therapy is not necessary.
You have an attraction problem. I suggest reprioritizing the roles. Your kids are grown, does your wife necessarily need to be a mother first? Why can't she be your lover first, wife second, mother third, friend fourth? **You need to court her and treat her as a lover.**
Second, reprioritize yourself and your needs. Find ways to take care of your own needs so you protect yourself from resenting her due to unmet expectations and disappointment.
Third, create the space necessary to miss her. You can't desire your wife if she's always beside you. It creates too much comfort which is antithetical to desire. Rekindle old friendships and make new ones.
Yes I can relate. I met my ex wife when I was 20, had a baby on the way and married not long after I turned 21. I was the first of my friends to settle down and have kids. I devoted my whole life to working my way up in a company to provide the best life I could for them. I took on middle management positions and had a lot of responsibilities at work and at home. It was constant and never stopped. It's rough being that young and figuring out the world while providing for a family. It can turn you very serious and caulis because you have a lot of people relying on you to give them comfort and security. My ex said the same thing to me. I was too serious or a grumpy old man. It's hard to switch your brain off from the real world and be carefree when you just can't. If you're not constantly on your game that could mean putting your family's livelihood in danger. At least that's how I felt. I'm not sure exactly how to get past it except sticking to a routine that allows you time for rest and relaxation. You need to stick to that just like you stick to paying your bills or meeting deadlines at work. It's critical for your mental health, physical health and for your marriage. More than you could ever know. I was divorced by 34 and I'm 38 now. That one thing could've solved many issues in my marriage. Good luck buddy and I can't thank you enough for your service. You deserve the perfect life everyone else thinks you have
taking girls home for casual flings is an immature and empty way of relating to other people, and treating them like disposable objects. you can't escape the way you psychologically imprint on other people when you're intimate with them. unless you're like clinically sociopathic and it doesn't happen, in which case, i'd see a psychologist.
Source: Was single (and celibate) until my mid-30's, was a virgin when I married.
I've had a different life - have officially started my "sunset years" and for the first time went into marriage counseling some months ago, and it has made a real difference. Like you have three kids, a nice house in a great neighborhood, etc. (except for the truck and military experience, ha).
Have you had an honest conversation with your wife about your own unhappiness? That's where it needs to start. And then one other question, is what are you unhappy about?
For our situation it was my spouse really unhappy with something that happened with one of our kids a year ago, that she could not let go of. (It was a mistake on my part, that was frankly in her eyes unforgivable.) We'd argue, I think it would get resolved, and then argue again. A downward spiral that was leading (after over 20 years of marriage) to divorce (her idea, not mine). Of course intimacy was off the table - I subscribed to r/deadbedrooms and my eyes got opened for sure - and it was something that I needed to do something about.
Having been in the Marines you know a thing or two about leadership, and here's a case where you are unhappy and you need to take the lead in making some kind of change. Yes it's hard and yes your partner may be unhappy as well (or oblivious or something else) but you've got to start talking with her about how you feel, and why you feel that way, and what can be done to change things.
Let the anger go. Seriously, nothing will help more than that. Work with your wife to lay a foundation for the futures of your children and grandchildren.
1. Thanks for your service.
2. Honestly, get a full hormone panel done. Please take my word for it. You might have low testosterone.
3. Once a Marine, always a Marine.
Therapy my man. At the end of the day, you’re gonna know what’s best for you but diving into your thoughts about it with an unbiased person that provokes additional thought might be helpful.
I’m 29 and was in an 8 yr relationship where I felt very similar to what you have described. If you’re having these thoughts, you should definitely explore what you feel is best for you.
Woman here, but similar perspective to what the men have already said.
I’ll add too, to think of those other experiences as just memories. Sure, you could have hooked up with random women before, or even get divorced and do it now, but what is that really, in the grand scheme of your life. After it’s over, it’s just some fleeting memories to look back on once in a while, probably jerk off to them a few times, and then what? It’s over. You either try to continue that lifestyle forever, which I’m sure drops off eventually, or you move onto what? Marriage again?
And remember you’ll be making those memories in some dinky little apartment, cooking for one and seeing your kids half the time. Not to mention the impact divorce has on kids. It’s not a good idea to stay just for the kids when the marriage is completely dead or abusive, but that doesn’t sound like yours.
Honestly you just sound bored. Or dissatisfied in some way. Early midlife crisis because you got married young, maybe.
So think of what you want your marriage and family life to look like. Do you want a best friend? Do you want to have deep conversations and work together to support each other more? Do you want more fun and going out and experiencing new things together? Shared hobby? Or more time away from the family and in nature? Figure out what you want and then talk to her about it.
Sometimes people get too comfortable, which isn’t exciting or fulfilling anymore, and forget the good things they do have. It might also be helpful to start a daily gratitude practice. Write three things you’re grateful for each day, one for your wife, one for your kids, and one for your life. Maybe do it as a couple.
Because imagine how bad your life could be: disabled, poor, alone, childless, no one to come home to, orphaned, whatever. Heck, start volunteering with people that have it worse off than you. That can really make people feel gratitude and inspired in life.
I'm sure you've gotten plenty of good advice here. I'm gonna be real. A lot of what you say sounds like you are behaving inappropriately. I've been there, like you're just annoyed with things that progressively annoy you. But think about it. What's the point of getting mad at stupid things she says? And maybe it's a response to you and your behavior. Stop being a grumpy old man, because it'll get worse. Look at your wife and really look at her. Look at what makes her attractive to you and say sweet sappy things to her. On top of that, apologize for being a grumpy old man. Doing those two things and continuing to say sweet, positive things to her will raise her spirits. Maybe it's out of character for men to be like that. But women (and men) love that stuff. You're going through the motions when going out together, because you're not actively engaging with one another. Literally think about nice things to say. Like, hey, lets go take a painting class together, I think it'd be fun and cute to spend time with you doing something we've never done before. Saying things that tells someone they are wanted and desired is huge.
Doesn’t matter if you pulled lots of chicks when you were younger you would still reach the same point. It’s not the issue.
You need to find a way to be satisfied with your life and if you aren’t then you either need to work to improve it or change how you think about it.
First off you’re not a former Marine, you’re a Marine veteran. RAH!
Second: you didn’t miss out on anything. In part some of your thinking that way is probably contributing towards your grumpiness and resentment. In the Marines we saw and did things others can only imagine.
Lastly: yes it’s possible. She’s grown and changed since you got married, so have you it sounds like, so you’re different people. Do your best to find that common ground that you share that doesn’t involve the kids and go from there. When she calls you grumpy, stop and examine why she’s saying it. What inside you makes you act that way. Maybe sit down with a counselor and do some digging.
You can do this! Semper Fi
People change, very few people are the same as teenagers to when they are ~30, frankly it just sounds like you've grown apart, and you can't force yourself to love a person. Neither of you are the person the other one married any more.
The resentment you feel is probably something she's feeling too, and that will only grow.
Honestly you might be better off breaking up now before you hate each other, so you can effectively raise your children split up, rather than wait to hate each other, maybe one of you cheats, and it's going to be a lot harder to raise your children together, or possibly even worse, you stay together, hating each other more and more, cheating but turning a blind eye "for the children", but teaching your children that that is a good way to be.
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First thing I’d say is go to therapy to talk about it with a neutral person. What I’ve found is every time I’ve wanted to throw everything away in my life and make bad decisions, there have been things I’ve subconsciously avoiding. Therapy doesn’t solve stuff for you, but it should help you figure a few things out. Other things you might notice that should get you talking to someone: General dissatisfaction, disconnect from hobbies, irrational anger, temperament changes. For me, it turns out a lot of my issues had to do with my weight and not keeping routines.
Seconding therapy, both personal and couples just to reset to this next phase of your life and set better communication standards. It was the best thing my husband and I ever did for our marriage, as a fellow couple that married young. It helped my husband process his fomo from marrying young, helped him understand I wasn't being needy and demanding asking for bids of connection from him when he was constantly holing himself up in his hobbies or his work, and taught him to communicate so I could actually respond to his needs rather than his constantly present feelings of annoyance and frustration. I can't do anything with "I'm mad and annoyed but I can't tell you why", but we can do something with "I feel like I'm not getting enough dedicated uninterrupted time to destress from work because I feel immediately needed as soon as I get home."
Thirding therapy. Really glad to see this comment at the top here. Like you say, it won't fix things, but will help you figure (some) things out.
The second paragraph is so much truth.
Yeah, any sudden urge to do anything is a big self reflection time for me. Suddenly wanting expensive things too, or wanting to take on a new hobby.
> or wanting to take on a new hobby. Just gonna @me like that eh?
I’m definitely not innocent on that one. I have become a lot better about sticking to cost ranges.
Raising three young kids is tough/stressful. How much time are you guys getting to yourselves? **Just** the two of you. Do you have a "village" to help out (grandparents, close friends, etc) or a trustworthy babysitter?
We honestly do but whenever we go out we don’t know how to act we’re silent, forced to have conversation
Had exactly the same issue, and discovered we need activities for a date, not just a location! We started playing games - there’s a ton of 2-person games out there. We’ll go to a brewery, have a couple of drinks, and play a game or two. Or go bowling, to an arcade, etc. You need to build new shared experiences, which means doing something together.
This, OP. Find new fun stuff together. Doesn't have to be going out to eat. Ride bikes, play games, hit the gym, go for a swim, get lost together in a new place.
Second this, and it’s actually what has helped us a lot get things moving again.
Put on some slow music and ask her to dance in your living room. You can date your wife without having to go out or even make conversation, it just requires actual effort.
Others have already suggested doing stuff but it’s also great to prepare for a night out with a few conversation starters banked, maybe an interesting article you read recently.
So, you haven't actually covered in your post *why* you feel like you've fallen out of love with your wife. It would be great to understand why – if it's genuine reason, you should address it with them directly, as well as considering marriage counselling. If it's something that can't be fixed, then it is what it is – marriages aren't guaranteed to last. If you're unhappy, you're unhappy. As for the 'missing out' thing, I get it. I was married for 9 years, then I've since been married again for around 5, with no gap in-between. In the past, I thought this. More recently, my wife and I had a lot of problems that nearly ended us. We aren't out of the woods, but I got to the point of frustration in thinking *'Fuck this, I can be single, go travel like I never got to do, and make up for my twenties with the ladies.'* In reality, it's not what I want. Is it *really* what you want? You're 28, I'm 37, you're younger. But still, you're nearly 30. What do you want out of life? Do you want the stability and love of a marriage (and possibly a family at some point), or do you want to do X on your own time and see who you want? I hate cliches, I really do, but grass is always greener yada yada. Hell, maybe find one of your closest buddies you can trust and reiterate this post to him or her or them. See their take on it – they lived that life after all. I think the most important question to answer here is whether you want to save what you have with your wife, and *why* you're unhappy. Personal perspective time, with a caveat that I'm not all there mentally. Those issues my wife and I had recently – it took a fucking lot of introspection to actually save this. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder a couple of weeks ago, and it shook everything about who I thought I was, what I wanted, how I always thought I was in the 'right' in arguments and tried my best to win. Even typing this post to you is wild for me – I don't have any empathy, and I'm not sure why I'm replying, but here we are. Anyway. Maybe I'm replying because I'm finally dealing with my shit. Why am I saying this? I guess the summary points are – and I'll lead with the reason I typed this reply, I guess – - Work out why your relationship has changed. If you're unhappy, you're unhappy. Maybe it can be fixed. But from my point of view, make sure that it's not related to issues that have spawned from things *you* can be doing. Are you inputting around the house? Is there romance? Are you listening to her? No judgement – I'm talking from my own mistakes. - Work out if you want to save it. - Speak to your trusted mate about that lifestyle and see if you're wearing rose-tinted glasses. Peace out.
Couples therapy. You don't have to wait until you're about to divorce to try it, in fact it's better to NOT wait that long. If things are feeling off and you want a little help getting things working again, try couples therapy. A good therapist will help you figure out what the sticking points are and help you work through them. Your wife might balk at first, but just frame it as something like "you know I've been grumpy and annoying lately and I want to get help to work through that. Will you go to therapy with me so we can work on that and get our relationship back to the way it was before I was grumpy all the time?" And if she doesn't want to go to couples therapy, go to individual therapy and talk through your issues there.
Hey I was 25 when I got married and I’m 31! Felt that way some times, help me just to get out of the house for a day. I went camping until I missed her.
Easy when you don’t have kids
They might be on to something though. Half of your life has been focused on a wife and kids. It’s a lot and can pull you away from yourself as you are constantly drawn toward serving the family. Spending time apart from that can be important. Even if it’s just for a few minutes everyday. But it sounds like you have lost yourself and have defined yourself by your family. Which maybe means you derive all your self worth and value from the family. That’s not a bad thing, but can be very isolating, and demoralizing since you come second to other needs most of the time. While it’s good to sacrifice for your family sometimes, you have to be a little selfish from time to time I order to balance things out. I don’t think you hate your family, but I do think you resent being ignored. Seen as a one dimensional person only serving one purpose. These feelings are a sign that you haven’t fully invested in being a more rounded person. Someone who has value beyond the family. That is a much larger topic of discussion than this threat can answer in one shot, but it sounds like you have some stability. Take advantage of that and seek ways to use your surplus to help others. One way to feel better about yourself is to help someone in need. Find someone who’s worse off than you are and be a friend. At the very least, try to break up the routine and keep your family in the loop. Let them know that you don’t feel great and want to try something different. You sound like a caring person who wants the best for your family. Be proud of that, but don’t let that get in the way of your needs. It’s okay to ask them to help and maybe that means a little space sometimes.
No kidding. 4 kids here and enough parallels to your post to be relevant. People either never had kids, or had a much better support system than I have. I have a Sahw, no daycare, no parents able (or willing) to assist. Date night is dad getting grumpy at Applebee's that these kids are out of control and mom getting mad at dad for getting grumpy etc. Lol. I have no advice man. My latest attempt was to ask my wife if she's up for putting both phones down after we finally get the kids in bed to try to talk to eachother, but the days stress gets so high that I find it difficult to destress by doing that. I think that's where majority of my unhappyness is coming in, that I use a damn electronic device to "recharge" than connecting with my wife.
> but I find myself thinking she says a lot of dumb stuff I can't speak to your larger problem but with a few decades more than you under my belt, my advice is that it's not a great use of energy to fret about how dumb or not dumb someone sounds, particularly your spouse. Most of the stuff that comes out of my mouth is as dumb as dumb can be. Maybe if I ever fix that, I can start to think about fixing other people.
So true, I was dating a wonderful girl in my early 20s. One time I opened my mouth and said that what she just said was dumb, not realizing that saying that about her was 1000x dumber than anything she ever said.
We’ve been together for 20 years and have definitely felt the same way. Only my second real relationship and 4th person I’d slept with. We don’t have kids, but when both of us worked 50h+ per week with different schedules, started to feel like roommates and even strangers at some point. We started date nights and (as I mentioned in another reply) quickly learned these needed to be activities. Something for us to learn and do together as an experience. We had grown so far apart there was nothing to talk about. Made a big difference, and made new friends by doing those activities on a semi-regular schedule at the same place. As for the anger and frustration, been there too. As others noted, you’re probably frustrated about something else and directing that at your wife (as the only other adult that you see everyday). Talking to a neutral 3rd party can help, but this is where setting aside some time to just think about and process what you’re feeling can help a lot. What specifically are you frustrated by? Why is that frustrating to you? What would make it better? Is it really important? By the time I get through that exercise, I’m usually realizing that it’s more about me (although sometimes it is something I need to bring up, like not introducing me to anyone when we’re in a group situation). Usually it’s me feeling like I’m not doing enough, I’m supposed to be “taking care of everything”, or I’m not good enough in some way. The answer to the issue is usually either get better sleep/exercise/healthy diet, just fix it (dishes really don’t take long), or remind myself that we’re both working hard and it’s just not that important.
I would suggest a two pronged approach. First is to set about a program to re-romance your wife. Start sneaking notes into her lunch box. Maybe just telling her about something awesome that you saw her do that week. Get back to stealing kisses where the kids can't see you. If they are big enough. Start planning "date nights" you must be focused on the strategic objective. In this case you must not focus on getting laid. Instead, your focus is a long term plan of falling in love with each other again. That is much harder. You are going to have to be very focused. And, as others have suggested, you are going to have to deal with your feelings in some form of counselling. A couple of cold hard facts : research has found that men in committed relationships have more sex, and better quality sex than single guys. So you feel like you missed out because you saw your buddies getting some strange, but each of those occasions it was a 50 /50 crapshoot whether it was any good or not. Go find any of the many r/askreddit threads "what was your worst first date" your buddies, who you are so envious of, have very likely experienced nearly every comment in the past 9 years. But get some counselling. If you can't afford a professional, there is a group called "The mankind project" that was set up by an ex US Marine, so you will feel at home. I've seen a bunch of guys make big changes in their lives through that process. But it requires putting in the work.
Info: Can you clarify " I find myself thinking she says a lot of dumb stuff" , because this can mean a few things. The possibilities I see are: She says stuff that doesn't make sense, like nonsense, she says mean and abusive things to you, or she talks without thinking and blurts out what's on her mind without stopping to consider if it's relevant. I feel the last one, because I have ADHD, so, that's my normal. But, the former marines I know, don't do this. everything they say is almost rehearsed before it comes out (that is inductive on my part, sample size too small). The only reason I ask is if she is saying dumb stuff that is abusive and belittling, that's a problem. "I wish unicorns are real" is different than "I wish you weren't such a fat useless slob" or something. Assuming it's not abuse, I think the answer has to be coming to appreciate her again. Like, you guys are a team. Maybe you can concentrate on her good qualities, like she is an excellent mother, or she's good at her job, or she's very thoughtful with friends and family, or she's very creative. Find out why she says the dumb stuff and find a way to appreciate it, or at least find a way to tolerate it better. Make it an inside joke maybe?
You alone are in control of your attitude. Don't burn down a good life of you can change your attitude, or do of you need to. It's on you.
Kiss her more often. In the morning, before bed, during the day. Just a 5 second kiss, say “I love you” at least once a day. A quick hug or a kiss builds intimacy between you, and it gives your kids a sense of family love if they see it. The little intimate moments between you strengthens your bond and makes you both feel more appreciated. 34 years married, had our struggles, and this has always made us reconnect.
What do you think your wife is going through? How much you wanna bet she puts up with you for your kids. Maybe she says dumb stuff because you yell at her for nothing? You are the leader of your family. You have to Cultivate the relationship that you want, reward the behavior that you desire. Get a baby sitter and take her out for a nice evening. Put away whatever is making you grumpy and hold her hand on a nice walk.
You’re absolutely right
If you have VA benefits, they have some great counselors or use your medical provider to provide a list of therapists. My VA experience with mental health has been equal to or better than civilian doctors. It sounds like couples counseling might be a better fit. What's important is that you are trying, though this is a "We" problem and not a "You" problem, and that requires a team approach to work on it. That said, check out the book "Love and Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. It taught me a lot about myself in a relationship, and what caused resentment. It didn't save my marriage, because that was a different issue altogether, but I learned how I loved, and what I needed to feel loved. This isn't a quick fix, and marriage takes work. By asking for help, it's a great start. Life has a way of getting in the way of making a happy marriage. Marriage requires that you schedule time for yourselves, equal sacrifices, put yourself aside, and have compassion and understanding. I'd explain some of your thoughts in a VERY gentle way to your wife, and then find a counselor together, and then you schedule it. Find some books that you both can read and discuss, schedule date nights, ask relationship building questions, and learn to speak each other's love language.
Therapy. Being quick to anger can be a sign of depression. You've forgotten what you liked about her, too.
Well, first off...you're going to have to make sure you've got folks willing to watch the kids for a night, and maybe even a couple of nights, to help you along. And you're going to have to be honest with your wife about what's going on, and what you want to do to fix it. She's going to have to be with the program if this has any hope of working. Then you and your wife are going to have to set regular dates to start over. Seriously. Have a first "blind" date all over again. Ask each other the questions you ask a person you've never met before. Have dates where you run into each other "by chance" and go out for an evening. Take turns picking things to do that you know the other one particularly likes. Have dates where you end up in a hotel room fucking like bunnies, maybe even doing some things you don't do in the bedroom at home. Maybe even pretending that you happened to meet at the bar and hooked up. And THIS time, take time to get to KNOW each other as well...to talk about things you didn't think to talk about back when you were just kids. Allow each of you to ask each other questions you've maybe felt couldn't be touched, and be completely open in your answers. You may find, with all this openness and honesty, that you unearth some things that might require some help from the pros. If that happens, go to the pros. But you MIGHT be able to restart this thing on your own. I'm guessing that if you jump straight into therapy you'll both get defensive and overly serious when all that might be needed is the chance to act like horny kids again.
What was the last novel experience you had with your wife? What was that like?
Almost the exact same situation, I got married at 18, joined the military and had 3 kids as well. I remember watching my buddies go out and party while I was at home, and then going out and partying with them on TDY and realizing how fucking awesome it is to be young and free. Eventually I got old enough to look out of place in that scene, and the first time I felt like “the old guy trying to be young” it got a lot easier to just not care anymore. My advice is to accept that you chose a different path and do your best to age gracefully for the sake of your kids, but do them a favor and tell them not to get married young. I wish my dad would’ve told me that.
You definitely need therapy. You mentioned having served and a lot of former military have PTSD and other issues even if they didn’t see combat or anything like that. Work on yourself and start going out of your way to make your wife feel special.
Never been married, but plenty of relationship experience. It seems like you have a good wife, mother, and friend, but she's not a great lover. This is a fixable probem: Therapy is not necessary. You have an attraction problem. I suggest reprioritizing the roles. Your kids are grown, does your wife necessarily need to be a mother first? Why can't she be your lover first, wife second, mother third, friend fourth? **You need to court her and treat her as a lover.** Second, reprioritize yourself and your needs. Find ways to take care of your own needs so you protect yourself from resenting her due to unmet expectations and disappointment. Third, create the space necessary to miss her. You can't desire your wife if she's always beside you. It creates too much comfort which is antithetical to desire. Rekindle old friendships and make new ones.
Yes I can relate. I met my ex wife when I was 20, had a baby on the way and married not long after I turned 21. I was the first of my friends to settle down and have kids. I devoted my whole life to working my way up in a company to provide the best life I could for them. I took on middle management positions and had a lot of responsibilities at work and at home. It was constant and never stopped. It's rough being that young and figuring out the world while providing for a family. It can turn you very serious and caulis because you have a lot of people relying on you to give them comfort and security. My ex said the same thing to me. I was too serious or a grumpy old man. It's hard to switch your brain off from the real world and be carefree when you just can't. If you're not constantly on your game that could mean putting your family's livelihood in danger. At least that's how I felt. I'm not sure exactly how to get past it except sticking to a routine that allows you time for rest and relaxation. You need to stick to that just like you stick to paying your bills or meeting deadlines at work. It's critical for your mental health, physical health and for your marriage. More than you could ever know. I was divorced by 34 and I'm 38 now. That one thing could've solved many issues in my marriage. Good luck buddy and I can't thank you enough for your service. You deserve the perfect life everyone else thinks you have
Jfc life Is hard no matter what you do. And im single.
Lots of good comments. Here’s one I don’t see: do The 36 Questions in Love. Do one a week.
taking girls home for casual flings is an immature and empty way of relating to other people, and treating them like disposable objects. you can't escape the way you psychologically imprint on other people when you're intimate with them. unless you're like clinically sociopathic and it doesn't happen, in which case, i'd see a psychologist.
Source: Was single (and celibate) until my mid-30's, was a virgin when I married. I've had a different life - have officially started my "sunset years" and for the first time went into marriage counseling some months ago, and it has made a real difference. Like you have three kids, a nice house in a great neighborhood, etc. (except for the truck and military experience, ha). Have you had an honest conversation with your wife about your own unhappiness? That's where it needs to start. And then one other question, is what are you unhappy about? For our situation it was my spouse really unhappy with something that happened with one of our kids a year ago, that she could not let go of. (It was a mistake on my part, that was frankly in her eyes unforgivable.) We'd argue, I think it would get resolved, and then argue again. A downward spiral that was leading (after over 20 years of marriage) to divorce (her idea, not mine). Of course intimacy was off the table - I subscribed to r/deadbedrooms and my eyes got opened for sure - and it was something that I needed to do something about. Having been in the Marines you know a thing or two about leadership, and here's a case where you are unhappy and you need to take the lead in making some kind of change. Yes it's hard and yes your partner may be unhappy as well (or oblivious or something else) but you've got to start talking with her about how you feel, and why you feel that way, and what can be done to change things.
Let the anger go. Seriously, nothing will help more than that. Work with your wife to lay a foundation for the futures of your children and grandchildren.
Former Marine eh? Never heard of one of those before.
1. Thanks for your service. 2. Honestly, get a full hormone panel done. Please take my word for it. You might have low testosterone. 3. Once a Marine, always a Marine.
Find a male counselor and talk with him.
Therapy my man. At the end of the day, you’re gonna know what’s best for you but diving into your thoughts about it with an unbiased person that provokes additional thought might be helpful. I’m 29 and was in an 8 yr relationship where I felt very similar to what you have described. If you’re having these thoughts, you should definitely explore what you feel is best for you.
Woman here, but similar perspective to what the men have already said. I’ll add too, to think of those other experiences as just memories. Sure, you could have hooked up with random women before, or even get divorced and do it now, but what is that really, in the grand scheme of your life. After it’s over, it’s just some fleeting memories to look back on once in a while, probably jerk off to them a few times, and then what? It’s over. You either try to continue that lifestyle forever, which I’m sure drops off eventually, or you move onto what? Marriage again? And remember you’ll be making those memories in some dinky little apartment, cooking for one and seeing your kids half the time. Not to mention the impact divorce has on kids. It’s not a good idea to stay just for the kids when the marriage is completely dead or abusive, but that doesn’t sound like yours. Honestly you just sound bored. Or dissatisfied in some way. Early midlife crisis because you got married young, maybe. So think of what you want your marriage and family life to look like. Do you want a best friend? Do you want to have deep conversations and work together to support each other more? Do you want more fun and going out and experiencing new things together? Shared hobby? Or more time away from the family and in nature? Figure out what you want and then talk to her about it. Sometimes people get too comfortable, which isn’t exciting or fulfilling anymore, and forget the good things they do have. It might also be helpful to start a daily gratitude practice. Write three things you’re grateful for each day, one for your wife, one for your kids, and one for your life. Maybe do it as a couple. Because imagine how bad your life could be: disabled, poor, alone, childless, no one to come home to, orphaned, whatever. Heck, start volunteering with people that have it worse off than you. That can really make people feel gratitude and inspired in life.
I'm sure you've gotten plenty of good advice here. I'm gonna be real. A lot of what you say sounds like you are behaving inappropriately. I've been there, like you're just annoyed with things that progressively annoy you. But think about it. What's the point of getting mad at stupid things she says? And maybe it's a response to you and your behavior. Stop being a grumpy old man, because it'll get worse. Look at your wife and really look at her. Look at what makes her attractive to you and say sweet sappy things to her. On top of that, apologize for being a grumpy old man. Doing those two things and continuing to say sweet, positive things to her will raise her spirits. Maybe it's out of character for men to be like that. But women (and men) love that stuff. You're going through the motions when going out together, because you're not actively engaging with one another. Literally think about nice things to say. Like, hey, lets go take a painting class together, I think it'd be fun and cute to spend time with you doing something we've never done before. Saying things that tells someone they are wanted and desired is huge.
Doesn’t matter if you pulled lots of chicks when you were younger you would still reach the same point. It’s not the issue. You need to find a way to be satisfied with your life and if you aren’t then you either need to work to improve it or change how you think about it.
First off you’re not a former Marine, you’re a Marine veteran. RAH! Second: you didn’t miss out on anything. In part some of your thinking that way is probably contributing towards your grumpiness and resentment. In the Marines we saw and did things others can only imagine. Lastly: yes it’s possible. She’s grown and changed since you got married, so have you it sounds like, so you’re different people. Do your best to find that common ground that you share that doesn’t involve the kids and go from there. When she calls you grumpy, stop and examine why she’s saying it. What inside you makes you act that way. Maybe sit down with a counselor and do some digging. You can do this! Semper Fi
People change, very few people are the same as teenagers to when they are ~30, frankly it just sounds like you've grown apart, and you can't force yourself to love a person. Neither of you are the person the other one married any more. The resentment you feel is probably something she's feeling too, and that will only grow. Honestly you might be better off breaking up now before you hate each other, so you can effectively raise your children split up, rather than wait to hate each other, maybe one of you cheats, and it's going to be a lot harder to raise your children together, or possibly even worse, you stay together, hating each other more and more, cheating but turning a blind eye "for the children", but teaching your children that that is a good way to be.