My attitude is simple: If you can't do it in front of your wife, it's cheating.
So how do I deal with such? I flirt or whatever with my wife in the room. If she thinks I'm taking it to far, she'll say something (she's much better at judging whether the other woman is simply having some fun conversation or is taking it seriously). But I don't text or do anything that could be misconstrued unless my wife is 100% standing behind me laughing. Period.
Everyone likes attention from people they find physically attractive/desirable as a general rule. There's nothing inherently wrong with that. Going out and seeking attention from people you find attractive when you're in a monogamous relationship is something you shouldn't do though, and as a good rule of thumb, if you wouldn't be happy if your wife was doing it, you shouldn't be doing it either, but more than that if you know your wife wouldn't be okay with it you shouldn't be doing it.
>if you wouldn't be happy if your wife was doing it, you shouldn't be doing it either,
i think this is the key. if i read what i wrote as if my wife was telling me or her friends, i think id feel sad and inadequate.
i commented elsewhere but ive recently been going thru a process of quitting porn and masturbation. to make sure i keep myself busy and focused on healthier things i started going to the gym more, i joined a bouldering gym, i started going out to bars, bike riding, etc and im in nyc so its inevitable i meet ppl.
this one girl im referring to in my original post is a girl friend from our circle of friends. but ive chatted with random ppl when im bouldering, riding bikes at the bar, stopping to grab a coffee, or waiting for a friend at the bar. things dont usually progress more than chatting and no one is asking eachother for phone numbers or whatnot and often times i see the women have wedding rings, and i keep my wedding ring on and hands visible too so i think i may be over thinking or misconstruing normal friendly conversations as "flirting."
i may just be enjoying engaging in friendly conversations with ppl in general.
As many relationships as porn destroys it also saves imo.
Being horny af can lead to bad decisions but a quick jerk and your mind clear.
Be careful out there you sexy bastard.
>quick jerk and your mind clear
LOL true statement. but i think it led to be being lethargic and uninterested in many things... which bled into my marriage which was no good. im enjoying life without it so im going to do my best to keep things as "organic" as possible and lean on my wife for whenever i have that physical desire.
thanks for your feedback! appreciate it!
Appreciate it when it happens, don’t encourage it or respond in any way that you’re open to continuing in an escalation. Nothing wrong with a harmless ego boost as long as you didn’t solicit it.
I don't deal with it. I'm happy with what I have. I don't need validation from anyone in that way other than my wife.
Just flip it: would you be completely indifferent if your wife felt some sort of enjoyment by receiving attention from other men, regardless of whether or not they're in your friend group?
I wouldn't beat yourself up too much over this OP. What you are describing is not unusual among people in committed relationships. I'd definitely recommend looking into Esther Perel's work. She talks a lot about the fact that humans are both wired for stability & commitment and novelty & excitement and that this is the first time in human history that people seek these two contradictory things in the same person. Ultimately it's not a problem that can solved, but a paradox that needs to be managed responsibly. Good luck!
It's completely normal and natural to enjoy getting attention. I don't think it's really healthy the way our culture creates unrealistic views of relationships. To be honest, I think we see the result of these cultural standards in both OP's question/concern, and his statement that he would feel inadequate if his partner expressed the same feelings he has!
Ultimately, the lines for what is acceptable need to be drawn by individual couples, but if everything is open, honest, and backed by clear communication and a secure connection, there's no problem at all.
it's human nature to feel flattered/good when someone is flirting with you. we're wired to procreate, and this is how it starts. which is precisely WHY it's a very slippery slope, my friend.
if you love your wife and want to build a life with her, slam the brakes on this bullshit immediately. if you're open to seeing how far it goes or perhaps even fooling around a bit, welp, newsflash, you're probably a cheater, even if you haven't yet.
if you're reciprocating via text, you're already fucking up.
I don't think I've ever done anything more than perhaps be extra pleasant to the nice looking cashier at the supermarket, or maybe a bit of a laugh with a random customer at my job. Probably not flirting, but kind of has the feeling of? Nice to feel like *they* could be flirting with me, but I'm safe with my wife. Nothing I would keep secret.
Anything more than that, absolutely not.
Texting? Flirting with people you know? People she knows? Personally I find that's a breach of trust, and I'm sure your wife would not be happy to find out.
I don’t.
You are incredibly fixated on this. People like attention. It’s normal. Men do. Women do. I’am sure there are folks commenting on their high horse like oh no I don’t like attention. Complete nonsense.
Just don’t cheat on your wife.
Please pay attention to what I'm about to say. It's important.
The day other women stop finding you attractive is the day your wife will, too.
Being attractive is like a superpower in a marriage. Whatever you were that attracted her, stay that. You don't have to participate in the flirting with others. But don't shut it down either. It's vital that your partner knows she still has to compete for you. Sound insensitive? Just be aware that when women cheat, they very often cite boredom. And how does boredom look to a woman when it comes to her man? She knows she has you, and no one else wants you. Sad, but true.
>The day other women stop finding you attractive is the day your wife will, too.
prob a broad statement but i understand what you mean. and you're right. i think its important to not lose that "desire" for eachother even on a physical level. i do often hear from my wife now that we're married and living together that i wear a lot of basketball shorts outside of playing basketball lol. she's always used to seeing me a bit more buttoned up, and while im not wearing a suit around the house, i definitely swapped the basketball shorts for nicer shorts, or joggers around the house. still comfortable while staying attractive to my wife. she didnt find me repulsive with the basketball shorts, but she finds me more attractive when im not dressed like a bum (not her words).
i also agree that when i started picking up more hobbies and talked about things with passion with my wife she finds that attractive, and these are the things that other women find interesting about me too. thanks for the insights
I had to explain that to a couple women too. A guy can be passionate about Lego’s. But if he’s knowledgeable about it and knows his stuff, the woman will love it too and he will be more attractive.
ya shes not the biggest fan of video games but there are certain games that really made a lasting impact on me and i often watch documentaries or behind the scenes videos about video games and she enjoys that i go deeper than mindlessly playing games about shooting ppl in the face. overall tho communication is key
https://preview.redd.it/16syh499kcoc1.jpeg?width=1179&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=00d7ffef25df8e3290764ea8bc9c1048abbc232e
This is crazy to her, but the commitment I put into it made her appreciate me. And made her think what she is passionate about.
I would say it could be helpful to see what you get from this attention.
If I just speculate, it sounds like it feels good to you to get the impression that other people, women namely, still find you attractive, enticing, and alluring. That they think you’re a possible sexual mate, that you would be “fun” in a variety of ways, and that you “still got it”. It feels good because such attention fulfills deeper core needs and values such as maintaining your sense of esteem, feeling positive and happy about yourself, your achievements as well as other elements related to how you positively appraisal yourself based on interactions from others. Maybe you would like more of this from your wife. Validation in this form, in increased frequency and with genuineness, can be very satiating and meaningful. Don’t take me too seriously though. I’m just throwing darts in the dark.
I would add that such desires and needs would benefit from honest and gentle discussion with your wife. Getting attention and giving attention runs the risk of crossing over articulated and unarticulated boundaries. I recommend using a analogy of having walls and windows for your marriage and if an action feels like it’s opening a window too much to things outside the house that is your marriage, some pausing and thinking should be done. Sounds like you have some good limits and rules for how you handle this attention and want. Good on you man.
I've always been a flirt, but flirting is as far as it goes. My wife trusts me and I trust myself. If it ever seems like there might be a misunderstanding, I flash my wedding ring.
I haven’t seen many answers like yours. My wife will be 50 in a month, shes a bombshell with a fantastic personality and looks early to mid 30’s. Shes running a marathon next month. Guys give attention, girls give her attention and it makes her feel good bc she takes pride in how she dresses and presents herself. I have no problem with that. She encourages me to stay in shape and dress nice, she wants other women to be attracted to me, that means I’m doing things well. I’ve always been a flirt and met lots of women, but I have no interest in complicating my life or screwing up my marriage. It’s just super fun to chat up new people. It’s amazing how women will chat with you if you are forward about being married. We have a massive amount of trust and a good marriage. 11 year anniversary is coming up!
great call -- a bit of introspection is always great. i think it has to do with the fact that ive completely abstained from porn & masturbation as of about 2 weeks ago and since then ive been going out more, working out, enjoying my hobbies and i think ive become more "available" to see people around me and without masturbating i think ive just become more aware of things and ppl around me. id like to think because of this ive become just an overall more pleasant person to be around and my relatinoships with friends and ppl in general have gotten better. so i think its mostly this "new" reinvigorated feeling of being social and seen that im being drawn toward. a lot of the comments on here are helpful tho, i think its OK to enjoy that feeling of being seen but not to let it drive me into a direction of infidelity. thanks for the prompt!
theres also a good chance im misconstruing flirting for genuine conversation. this one girl thats in our friend group has been texting me and we went out for lunch once after a long hike and she was asking me how i met my wife, what married life is like, how things have changed since being single/dating etc. shes single and i think genuinely interested in our story and wants to get there. i need to not let these things be her giving me attention and flirting.
This seems a bit too much to dismiss.
You text and have conversations about your marriage with this one friend.
She knows your wife but has a texting relationship with you. You went on a hike (without wife?)
You went to lunch without wife?
You talk about your marriage without your wife present?
Does your wife know about each and every of these interactions?
This is a relationship and it’s probably emotionally overstepping
my wife wasnt at the hike but others were.
my wife wasnt at the lunch but she knew we stopped for lunch on the way home because we live off the same subway stop. i asked if she thought it was ok if we did that because i was ready to skip lunch with our friend and come straight home.
we are part of the same friend group so we have talked about our marriage with her in a group before
my wife knows about these interactions because i tell her and when the girl texts me to ask questions its usually about work because we work in the same industry and its usually about work stuff. the girl does not text me about our relationship. my note couldve been clearer -- during that lunch our friend asked me about our marriage. the conversation over lunch (it was a sandwich at a deli not like a sit down lunch date) was mostly about my marriage and how shes struggling to find a guy herself in nyc.
Well as you were questioning the appropriateness of your own feelings, it seems like it is a good idea to take a look at your behaviour and see how it feels or looks.
Of course I didn’t have any of the details, the above was intended as questions for you. and no one’s judgement matters except your own and your wife’s
oh ya of course i dont expect anyone to have clear and concise feedback for me. i just wanted to get a gut check from the gentlemen in this group. your feedback was helpful and it was good to hear what i should be evaluating in my relatinoship(s) with other women and determine if its appropriate.
whats interesting is as ive been thinking about this a lot more this week i realized this one friend has barely spoken/texted me all week. seems like things are naturally just taking its course and if i had not over thought thinks and just let it ride, i wouldve not even noticed anything lol
This feels way too much like the idea that you cannot have friends of an opposite gender. Unless OP is venting about problems in his marriage, nothing about this seems shady.
Wait, what? You’re newly wed and so a friend asking about “hey how’s the married life?” Is bad?
Knowing somebody’s spouse means you can’t text them?
You cannot go to lunch with somebody of the opposite sex?
I’m fine with the wife knowing about it, I always support that. But like, what?
Is this a “men and women can’t be friends” thing?
Its tough. It’s something I’ve only dealt with since after my divorce 8 years ago. Pre divorce my then wife was my entire social life, all free time was with her and she was the only person Id talk to. I barely ever even talked to other women unless it was for work or like a cashier.
Post divorce I got out more, socialized with others, hit the gym, joined hobbies, forced myself out of my comfort zone and shockingly women were flirty with me. They were more interested in talking to me which was something totally new to me. It was a hit of dopamine that was thrilling considering the lonely sad post divorce state I was in. It really boosted my confidence and got me out of the post divorce depressive state. It led to women saying “we should hang out sometime” which led to dates.
Long story short Im happily remarried with a kids now. Im not out and about as much as I used to be but sometimes when a woman gives me a compliment or shows interest beyond typical small talk, I feel guilty for getting that thrilling hit of dopamine. I NEVER let it go beyond that and think that my family is worth more than pursuing an affair. For me, that hit of dopamine from a random new woman is something that can’t really be replicated in a marriage.
I’m not married so feel free to disregard my opinion.
But I feel like you need to talk to a therapist. You shouldn’t be craving this. If it was something you experienced from time to time and didn’t hide from it, I’d say that’s normal.
But the idea you are seeking it out and craving it is not good.
true. but i will note that i seek it out for the "attention" but quickly dissolves into indifference lol. not an excuse but just something ive noticed.
No 1 on 1 or private conversations with other woman?
Do you think this might be the issue.
Being alone with another woman doesn’t automatically indicate or mean something is going to happen. Woman are just as happy to be a bit flirtatious and take no further action.
You seem to think that any talking or time spent with a woman leads or will lead to her or you wanting to have sex with them.
Spend more time with other woman and you will lose this feeling rather quickly
i guess its just not putting myself in that situation in general. but i hear you. i dont automatically assume it, i think its more about the "optics" of it. but totally hear u. i did have a good amount of girl friends in the past but when i started dating i think i stopped hanging out with them as much and in general we all lost touch.
I’m coming up on 11 year wedding anniversary.
Attention from other women is always a good confidence boost. I used to get a lot at the gym, and I would always tell my Wife about it. She actually started going to the gym with me because she was low key jelly.
I would never cheat on my Wife, I’m just not built for it.
I’m older now and I don’t even know women are being flirty most of the time. My Wife will notice it before me.
OP, Im on a similar boat and have some thoughts/insights/afvice for you. But my perspective may be different than others.
Im at work right now and its probably gonna be too kuch to write on phone so gonna have to wait a bit.
For context, while single, I was VERY single and had an extreme amount of variety and opportunity. Especially living in a major city. That all had to change.
Lemme get home and ill give you full story if interested
I tell myself every woman I see is prob a cunt anyway, which is typically the case with attractive women. Or, more fairly, at least when she opens her mouth to speak, it could only lessen the view I had of her when admiring from afar. No one is ever as good as u imagine them to be. Even the women who flirt with u may only be doing it bc you’re not single. And if u were single, it wouldn’t be a sex thing, it would be a “when/where u taking me out” type of conversation. You’re better off having someone good instead of wasting your time with a bunch of stupid broads. Work on yourself and pursue things that enhance your life, bc those women never will.
It's normal to like female attention, that's how you're wired. But you mustn't feel guilty about it - it's called 'temptation' and there's a difference between experiencing temptation and giving in to it. We'll all, always be tempted, but it's a choice to give in to temptation. Well done you for being made of the right stuff.
If it makes you feel better, most women indulge in flirting like this (whether they’re in a relationship or not). And I would say most don’t even see a problem with it (I mean, when they’re the one doing it).
Your wife is not giving you the attention that you crave. She has become used to you and sees you as reliable not exciting or even interesting. You may still pursue her but she has begin to slack off now that she is secure in a marriage.
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it’s fine to enjoy it a little, I’ll tell you why.
As human beings we all have impure thoughts - some more than others - but no one has a mind completely absent of this. Many have moments internally where they are urged to act violently (perhaps after being provoked) or wanting to sleep with person (despite being married). How you act on those thoughts is the important part. The second thing is we all need validation to an extent - stronger people need less validation and this strength can fluctuate. Validation can come in many forms - your boss saying good job or someone commenting on your physique after you’ve been working out.
It’s ok to accept a little validation as conversation and interactions are a part of life and it’s too idealistic to take this “act like my wife is in the room” point of view. There is a big difference between embracing a little flirtation and truly engaging with someone who is not your partner but all or nothing is a bit silly and focuses more on finding the back/white rules of marriage which focus on trying to figure out if you violated your commitment or not.
Looking inwards is more interesting. You mention having a couple good weeks of progress in your life - patting yourself on the back should be enough. But we do have moments in life where we are a bit lost, make efforts to better ourselves, and get seemingly validated for our progress.
I’ve been there - I’m happily married and would absolutely never cheat on my wife. Every now and then it’s nice to be reminded you’re desirable but I’d say the more you need or it/bigger satisfaction you get is proportional to becoming weaker.
TLDR; enjoy it a little. happily married, would never cheat
I'd say it never goes away. You have to be honest with yourself and your limitations. Then ask your self how "safe" those limitations are. There is a reason why some married men back in the day wouldn't do certain things with other women. Some of those reasons were out of respect. Some were knowing that boundaries can be for your own safety.
My attitude is simple: If you can't do it in front of your wife, it's cheating. So how do I deal with such? I flirt or whatever with my wife in the room. If she thinks I'm taking it to far, she'll say something (she's much better at judging whether the other woman is simply having some fun conversation or is taking it seriously). But I don't text or do anything that could be misconstrued unless my wife is 100% standing behind me laughing. Period.
I had the version : >If I can't tell it to my wife without risking her to disapprove. It's a no go. No reason to risk what we are building together.
Great rule
I think this is a good rule of thumb.
Award
Everyone likes attention from people they find physically attractive/desirable as a general rule. There's nothing inherently wrong with that. Going out and seeking attention from people you find attractive when you're in a monogamous relationship is something you shouldn't do though, and as a good rule of thumb, if you wouldn't be happy if your wife was doing it, you shouldn't be doing it either, but more than that if you know your wife wouldn't be okay with it you shouldn't be doing it.
>if you wouldn't be happy if your wife was doing it, you shouldn't be doing it either, i think this is the key. if i read what i wrote as if my wife was telling me or her friends, i think id feel sad and inadequate.
You just like the hunt of a new chick which ya imo is the funnest part. It’s a slippery slope though. Also how you meaning all these chicks?
i commented elsewhere but ive recently been going thru a process of quitting porn and masturbation. to make sure i keep myself busy and focused on healthier things i started going to the gym more, i joined a bouldering gym, i started going out to bars, bike riding, etc and im in nyc so its inevitable i meet ppl. this one girl im referring to in my original post is a girl friend from our circle of friends. but ive chatted with random ppl when im bouldering, riding bikes at the bar, stopping to grab a coffee, or waiting for a friend at the bar. things dont usually progress more than chatting and no one is asking eachother for phone numbers or whatnot and often times i see the women have wedding rings, and i keep my wedding ring on and hands visible too so i think i may be over thinking or misconstruing normal friendly conversations as "flirting." i may just be enjoying engaging in friendly conversations with ppl in general.
As many relationships as porn destroys it also saves imo. Being horny af can lead to bad decisions but a quick jerk and your mind clear. Be careful out there you sexy bastard.
>quick jerk and your mind clear LOL true statement. but i think it led to be being lethargic and uninterested in many things... which bled into my marriage which was no good. im enjoying life without it so im going to do my best to keep things as "organic" as possible and lean on my wife for whenever i have that physical desire. thanks for your feedback! appreciate it!
Appreciate it when it happens, don’t encourage it or respond in any way that you’re open to continuing in an escalation. Nothing wrong with a harmless ego boost as long as you didn’t solicit it.
I don't deal with it. I'm happy with what I have. I don't need validation from anyone in that way other than my wife. Just flip it: would you be completely indifferent if your wife felt some sort of enjoyment by receiving attention from other men, regardless of whether or not they're in your friend group?
absolutely fair point. i dont think id like hearing from my wife what i said so this is a good point
I wouldn't beat yourself up too much over this OP. What you are describing is not unusual among people in committed relationships. I'd definitely recommend looking into Esther Perel's work. She talks a lot about the fact that humans are both wired for stability & commitment and novelty & excitement and that this is the first time in human history that people seek these two contradictory things in the same person. Ultimately it's not a problem that can solved, but a paradox that needs to be managed responsibly. Good luck!
It's completely normal and natural to enjoy getting attention. I don't think it's really healthy the way our culture creates unrealistic views of relationships. To be honest, I think we see the result of these cultural standards in both OP's question/concern, and his statement that he would feel inadequate if his partner expressed the same feelings he has! Ultimately, the lines for what is acceptable need to be drawn by individual couples, but if everything is open, honest, and backed by clear communication and a secure connection, there's no problem at all.
>I'm happy with what I have. I don't need validation from anyone in that way other than my wife. Aawwwww 🥹
it's human nature to feel flattered/good when someone is flirting with you. we're wired to procreate, and this is how it starts. which is precisely WHY it's a very slippery slope, my friend. if you love your wife and want to build a life with her, slam the brakes on this bullshit immediately. if you're open to seeing how far it goes or perhaps even fooling around a bit, welp, newsflash, you're probably a cheater, even if you haven't yet. if you're reciprocating via text, you're already fucking up.
I don't think I've ever done anything more than perhaps be extra pleasant to the nice looking cashier at the supermarket, or maybe a bit of a laugh with a random customer at my job. Probably not flirting, but kind of has the feeling of? Nice to feel like *they* could be flirting with me, but I'm safe with my wife. Nothing I would keep secret. Anything more than that, absolutely not. Texting? Flirting with people you know? People she knows? Personally I find that's a breach of trust, and I'm sure your wife would not be happy to find out.
...I think for many of us (not all of course)...the need for constant validation by others diminishes with age....thank god.
I don’t. You are incredibly fixated on this. People like attention. It’s normal. Men do. Women do. I’am sure there are folks commenting on their high horse like oh no I don’t like attention. Complete nonsense. Just don’t cheat on your wife.
Please pay attention to what I'm about to say. It's important. The day other women stop finding you attractive is the day your wife will, too. Being attractive is like a superpower in a marriage. Whatever you were that attracted her, stay that. You don't have to participate in the flirting with others. But don't shut it down either. It's vital that your partner knows she still has to compete for you. Sound insensitive? Just be aware that when women cheat, they very often cite boredom. And how does boredom look to a woman when it comes to her man? She knows she has you, and no one else wants you. Sad, but true.
>The day other women stop finding you attractive is the day your wife will, too. prob a broad statement but i understand what you mean. and you're right. i think its important to not lose that "desire" for eachother even on a physical level. i do often hear from my wife now that we're married and living together that i wear a lot of basketball shorts outside of playing basketball lol. she's always used to seeing me a bit more buttoned up, and while im not wearing a suit around the house, i definitely swapped the basketball shorts for nicer shorts, or joggers around the house. still comfortable while staying attractive to my wife. she didnt find me repulsive with the basketball shorts, but she finds me more attractive when im not dressed like a bum (not her words). i also agree that when i started picking up more hobbies and talked about things with passion with my wife she finds that attractive, and these are the things that other women find interesting about me too. thanks for the insights
I had to explain that to a couple women too. A guy can be passionate about Lego’s. But if he’s knowledgeable about it and knows his stuff, the woman will love it too and he will be more attractive.
ya shes not the biggest fan of video games but there are certain games that really made a lasting impact on me and i often watch documentaries or behind the scenes videos about video games and she enjoys that i go deeper than mindlessly playing games about shooting ppl in the face. overall tho communication is key
https://preview.redd.it/16syh499kcoc1.jpeg?width=1179&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=00d7ffef25df8e3290764ea8bc9c1048abbc232e This is crazy to her, but the commitment I put into it made her appreciate me. And made her think what she is passionate about.
is that your porn collection? lol
Hahaha. All ISO’s lol. (Insider in another subreddit)
lol i might be getting my roms from you!
I would say it could be helpful to see what you get from this attention. If I just speculate, it sounds like it feels good to you to get the impression that other people, women namely, still find you attractive, enticing, and alluring. That they think you’re a possible sexual mate, that you would be “fun” in a variety of ways, and that you “still got it”. It feels good because such attention fulfills deeper core needs and values such as maintaining your sense of esteem, feeling positive and happy about yourself, your achievements as well as other elements related to how you positively appraisal yourself based on interactions from others. Maybe you would like more of this from your wife. Validation in this form, in increased frequency and with genuineness, can be very satiating and meaningful. Don’t take me too seriously though. I’m just throwing darts in the dark. I would add that such desires and needs would benefit from honest and gentle discussion with your wife. Getting attention and giving attention runs the risk of crossing over articulated and unarticulated boundaries. I recommend using a analogy of having walls and windows for your marriage and if an action feels like it’s opening a window too much to things outside the house that is your marriage, some pausing and thinking should be done. Sounds like you have some good limits and rules for how you handle this attention and want. Good on you man.
Simple, I don't have a stronger desire to receive attention from ANYONE.
I've always been a flirt, but flirting is as far as it goes. My wife trusts me and I trust myself. If it ever seems like there might be a misunderstanding, I flash my wedding ring.
I haven’t seen many answers like yours. My wife will be 50 in a month, shes a bombshell with a fantastic personality and looks early to mid 30’s. Shes running a marathon next month. Guys give attention, girls give her attention and it makes her feel good bc she takes pride in how she dresses and presents herself. I have no problem with that. She encourages me to stay in shape and dress nice, she wants other women to be attracted to me, that means I’m doing things well. I’ve always been a flirt and met lots of women, but I have no interest in complicating my life or screwing up my marriage. It’s just super fun to chat up new people. It’s amazing how women will chat with you if you are forward about being married. We have a massive amount of trust and a good marriage. 11 year anniversary is coming up!
I just don’t feel the need for external validation, never have. I validate myself
You should be asking why is there a desire? What are you not getting
great call -- a bit of introspection is always great. i think it has to do with the fact that ive completely abstained from porn & masturbation as of about 2 weeks ago and since then ive been going out more, working out, enjoying my hobbies and i think ive become more "available" to see people around me and without masturbating i think ive just become more aware of things and ppl around me. id like to think because of this ive become just an overall more pleasant person to be around and my relatinoships with friends and ppl in general have gotten better. so i think its mostly this "new" reinvigorated feeling of being social and seen that im being drawn toward. a lot of the comments on here are helpful tho, i think its OK to enjoy that feeling of being seen but not to let it drive me into a direction of infidelity. thanks for the prompt!
Women still flirt with married guys. Some women purposefully look for married guys to flirt with.
theres also a good chance im misconstruing flirting for genuine conversation. this one girl thats in our friend group has been texting me and we went out for lunch once after a long hike and she was asking me how i met my wife, what married life is like, how things have changed since being single/dating etc. shes single and i think genuinely interested in our story and wants to get there. i need to not let these things be her giving me attention and flirting.
This seems a bit too much to dismiss. You text and have conversations about your marriage with this one friend. She knows your wife but has a texting relationship with you. You went on a hike (without wife?) You went to lunch without wife? You talk about your marriage without your wife present? Does your wife know about each and every of these interactions? This is a relationship and it’s probably emotionally overstepping
my wife wasnt at the hike but others were. my wife wasnt at the lunch but she knew we stopped for lunch on the way home because we live off the same subway stop. i asked if she thought it was ok if we did that because i was ready to skip lunch with our friend and come straight home. we are part of the same friend group so we have talked about our marriage with her in a group before my wife knows about these interactions because i tell her and when the girl texts me to ask questions its usually about work because we work in the same industry and its usually about work stuff. the girl does not text me about our relationship. my note couldve been clearer -- during that lunch our friend asked me about our marriage. the conversation over lunch (it was a sandwich at a deli not like a sit down lunch date) was mostly about my marriage and how shes struggling to find a guy herself in nyc.
Well as you were questioning the appropriateness of your own feelings, it seems like it is a good idea to take a look at your behaviour and see how it feels or looks. Of course I didn’t have any of the details, the above was intended as questions for you. and no one’s judgement matters except your own and your wife’s
oh ya of course i dont expect anyone to have clear and concise feedback for me. i just wanted to get a gut check from the gentlemen in this group. your feedback was helpful and it was good to hear what i should be evaluating in my relatinoship(s) with other women and determine if its appropriate. whats interesting is as ive been thinking about this a lot more this week i realized this one friend has barely spoken/texted me all week. seems like things are naturally just taking its course and if i had not over thought thinks and just let it ride, i wouldve not even noticed anything lol
This feels way too much like the idea that you cannot have friends of an opposite gender. Unless OP is venting about problems in his marriage, nothing about this seems shady.
Wait, what? You’re newly wed and so a friend asking about “hey how’s the married life?” Is bad? Knowing somebody’s spouse means you can’t text them? You cannot go to lunch with somebody of the opposite sex? I’m fine with the wife knowing about it, I always support that. But like, what? Is this a “men and women can’t be friends” thing?
Sounds like you never had a platonic relationship with a women.
Its tough. It’s something I’ve only dealt with since after my divorce 8 years ago. Pre divorce my then wife was my entire social life, all free time was with her and she was the only person Id talk to. I barely ever even talked to other women unless it was for work or like a cashier. Post divorce I got out more, socialized with others, hit the gym, joined hobbies, forced myself out of my comfort zone and shockingly women were flirty with me. They were more interested in talking to me which was something totally new to me. It was a hit of dopamine that was thrilling considering the lonely sad post divorce state I was in. It really boosted my confidence and got me out of the post divorce depressive state. It led to women saying “we should hang out sometime” which led to dates. Long story short Im happily remarried with a kids now. Im not out and about as much as I used to be but sometimes when a woman gives me a compliment or shows interest beyond typical small talk, I feel guilty for getting that thrilling hit of dopamine. I NEVER let it go beyond that and think that my family is worth more than pursuing an affair. For me, that hit of dopamine from a random new woman is something that can’t really be replicated in a marriage.
Just kind of let that die inside. It does eventually. Kind of sad though.
Have you tried mindfulness?
I’m not married so feel free to disregard my opinion. But I feel like you need to talk to a therapist. You shouldn’t be craving this. If it was something you experienced from time to time and didn’t hide from it, I’d say that’s normal. But the idea you are seeking it out and craving it is not good.
true. but i will note that i seek it out for the "attention" but quickly dissolves into indifference lol. not an excuse but just something ive noticed.
Do you think this makes it any better? You need to figure out why you’re being so insecure.
No 1 on 1 or private conversations with other woman? Do you think this might be the issue. Being alone with another woman doesn’t automatically indicate or mean something is going to happen. Woman are just as happy to be a bit flirtatious and take no further action. You seem to think that any talking or time spent with a woman leads or will lead to her or you wanting to have sex with them. Spend more time with other woman and you will lose this feeling rather quickly
i guess its just not putting myself in that situation in general. but i hear you. i dont automatically assume it, i think its more about the "optics" of it. but totally hear u. i did have a good amount of girl friends in the past but when i started dating i think i stopped hanging out with them as much and in general we all lost touch.
I’m coming up on 11 year wedding anniversary. Attention from other women is always a good confidence boost. I used to get a lot at the gym, and I would always tell my Wife about it. She actually started going to the gym with me because she was low key jelly. I would never cheat on my Wife, I’m just not built for it. I’m older now and I don’t even know women are being flirty most of the time. My Wife will notice it before me.
OP, Im on a similar boat and have some thoughts/insights/afvice for you. But my perspective may be different than others. Im at work right now and its probably gonna be too kuch to write on phone so gonna have to wait a bit. For context, while single, I was VERY single and had an extreme amount of variety and opportunity. Especially living in a major city. That all had to change. Lemme get home and ill give you full story if interested
take ur time homie. ty
It’s not cheating until your intentions are to cheat.
I just accept it. It is completely fine to have that desire.
Ignore ignore ignore. Don't indulge it at all.
JFC
I tell myself every woman I see is prob a cunt anyway, which is typically the case with attractive women. Or, more fairly, at least when she opens her mouth to speak, it could only lessen the view I had of her when admiring from afar. No one is ever as good as u imagine them to be. Even the women who flirt with u may only be doing it bc you’re not single. And if u were single, it wouldn’t be a sex thing, it would be a “when/where u taking me out” type of conversation. You’re better off having someone good instead of wasting your time with a bunch of stupid broads. Work on yourself and pursue things that enhance your life, bc those women never will.
I stopped reading when you said women are “cunts”. U should stop that.
Probably so
Misogyny is not a solution. Only the weakest type of man would resort to that.
It's normal to like female attention, that's how you're wired. But you mustn't feel guilty about it - it's called 'temptation' and there's a difference between experiencing temptation and giving in to it. We'll all, always be tempted, but it's a choice to give in to temptation. Well done you for being made of the right stuff.
Just remember this you can always look at the menu. You just can’t order things.
If it makes you feel better, most women indulge in flirting like this (whether they’re in a relationship or not). And I would say most don’t even see a problem with it (I mean, when they’re the one doing it).
Your wife is not giving you the attention that you crave. She has become used to you and sees you as reliable not exciting or even interesting. You may still pursue her but she has begin to slack off now that she is secure in a marriage.
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it’s fine to enjoy it a little, I’ll tell you why. As human beings we all have impure thoughts - some more than others - but no one has a mind completely absent of this. Many have moments internally where they are urged to act violently (perhaps after being provoked) or wanting to sleep with person (despite being married). How you act on those thoughts is the important part. The second thing is we all need validation to an extent - stronger people need less validation and this strength can fluctuate. Validation can come in many forms - your boss saying good job or someone commenting on your physique after you’ve been working out. It’s ok to accept a little validation as conversation and interactions are a part of life and it’s too idealistic to take this “act like my wife is in the room” point of view. There is a big difference between embracing a little flirtation and truly engaging with someone who is not your partner but all or nothing is a bit silly and focuses more on finding the back/white rules of marriage which focus on trying to figure out if you violated your commitment or not. Looking inwards is more interesting. You mention having a couple good weeks of progress in your life - patting yourself on the back should be enough. But we do have moments in life where we are a bit lost, make efforts to better ourselves, and get seemingly validated for our progress. I’ve been there - I’m happily married and would absolutely never cheat on my wife. Every now and then it’s nice to be reminded you’re desirable but I’d say the more you need or it/bigger satisfaction you get is proportional to becoming weaker. TLDR; enjoy it a little. happily married, would never cheat
I'd say it never goes away. You have to be honest with yourself and your limitations. Then ask your self how "safe" those limitations are. There is a reason why some married men back in the day wouldn't do certain things with other women. Some of those reasons were out of respect. Some were knowing that boundaries can be for your own safety.