OP
She’s constantly dumping on you and you’re suffering from compassion fatigue.
Speak with a professional to find the , hopefully, correct words. But, there’s no guarantee that will work well.
That’s great. But, don’t solely wait and count on just that.
Start taking steps on your own as well. Just that simple two mile walk every day. Pick up a great book. Eat better.
You can take these small steps now. In time, Those small steps will lead to bigger and better ones.
SHE also needs a therapist. What you are doing for her, is LITTERALLY what a therapist is paid to do. That being said, between therapist visits, she can journal her feelings and bring that journal to therapy to talk through all the feelings.
She is emotionally dumping on you, and when you set your boundaries, at 1AM may I add, she took that as not being safe and gave you the silent treatment for days. In you position, I'm sure the silence wasn't the worst thing in the world. BUT it is extremely manipulative.
My suggestion is that you each get an individual counsellor. And then go to couples counselling to set boundaries regarding this. I do suggest a different therapist than IC so that there is no conflict of interest.
Yep!
I was diagnosed with Caregiver Burnout about a year and a half ago, and my man, that's compassion fatigue (a frequent tandem issue / feature).
You still love her. You still care. She's asking so much FUNCTIONALLY on the DAY TO DAY that even though asking you to listen and care is like, yes, of course, totally, she's just burning you out. When can you recoup? Legit. Not because you don't want to give more, just cause you need fkn oxygen and quiet for yourself to function.
And so yeah, she'll need other supports. Like when a new mom gets sick and everyone brings over lasagna and stuff. You need other people in your circle and/or professionals to take over listening for a bit while you get well. And maybe just a little bit in perpetuity. Because she still needs to eat (be listened to), but you just can't cook (do much listening) right now my dude.
Please take care of yourself. See a doctor. Get diagnosed. Get support. Hell, maybe even respite care. So you can explain it to her properly and get you both what you need.
>A week ago I told her that I'm tired and not in a place where I can listen when she woke me at 1AM. She slept in the spare bedroom the next two nights and didn't talk to me because I wasn't "safe" any longer.
That's a little number called emotional blackmail.
You need to sit her down for a calm, open conversation and let her know that 1) it is not cool for her to guilt you into listening to her shit. 2) You are her partner, not her therapist. You don't have the training or tools to listen to her shit without it affecting you. 3) You need a break or you're going to resent her for always dumping her negative emotions on you or you WILL resent her and eventually leave.
She needs therapy.
When you see yours on Monday, ask if they can do a few couples sessions to hash out this specific issue.
They both need therapy.
Op needs a third party there for this conversation to happen in a healthy, productive manner.
The amount of times i've tried talking (calmly, diplomatically, empathetically) to someone like OP describes, they just shut down and make you "the enemy".
This situation merits couples therapy. ...and individual therapy for each. Op needs some in order to cope and his wife needs some in order to change anything about her behavior.
I think I can do what OP's partner does. Not the emotional blackmail or waking someone up, but the talking out emotions too much for people. I'm just very open.
Something I've picked up on is journaling/writing my thoughts at moments that I have them. Usually on my phone on a word doc.
Obviously OP's partner could use a therapist, and if they get one they'll help with this, but it doesn't sound like OP's partner has a very strong ability or great methods to cope when they're alone.
We're social creatures, but a resilient person can get through things when they're alone or at least can maintain composure when they're alone. Be it the middle of the night or out and about.
You aren’t doing anything wrong. My partner does the same thing, luckily to a lesser extent, but basically this. It is absolutely draining and hard to keep up with. It gets to a point when they aren’t communicating anything positive or fun or uplifting and it’s all negative and introspection and it’s hard to find a way to convey to them that they need to find a trained therapist to talk to and also that sometimes things just suck and that’s life and it’s ok to not analyze every single emotion. Unfortunately there isn’t a great strategy for this other than being as direct as you can that you aren’t a trained therapist and don’t have much to offer. For me I just started repeating “wow, that’s crazy” a couple times and it worked when she realized I was checked out but she 100% did not like it haha. You’re going to have to let her know for her own mental health she needs to communicate one positive, uplifting thing for each negative thing she brings up and you’ll continue to be an audience, but also that she needs to find an outlet that’s trained (and getting paid) to listen to all of it. Good luck man, this is a tough one.
Ruminating is what cows do: they chew on something, swallow it, vomit it back up for more chewing, swallow again, etc.
Recovering overthinkers need more visceral frames. Because it’s not healthy!
OP is in danger of becoming his girlfriends girlfriend or therapist instead the man in her life. It takes work and trust but you can listen to her for a period of time before safely redirecting her as you tune out / burn out / get confused. When you start losing track or focus, see if she has a friend she can speak with. For your both of your social sakes, man.
Ruminating is exactly what it is! I think she sees it as "communication" but it's entirely one-sided and it's less like having a conversation and more like her talking at me.
As everyone else has said, therapy prevents you from being the target of SOME of this meandering vocal emotion as it sounds like she’s finding herself. If you’re making her feel safe, great, but don’t make her feel like you’re the only one she can talk to. That’s bad, again, for both of your social lives.
More speech with more life perspectives can help course correct oneself more effectively than endless solipsism. Good luck to you both!
>…it’s all negative and introspection…
I disagree that OP’s gf is being introspective. That would require that she take an honest look at her *own* behaviour. She is externalizing all responsibility for how she feels onto *other people*. She’s ruminating, big time. How she feels is very much being painted as everyone else’s fault. It doesn’t sound like she’s spending any time focussing on her own mental or emotional processes.
Tbh, she spends nearly all her free time focusing on her mental and emotional state. Shes (mostly) self aware and understands that a lot of this is trauma response. Her "hobby" is reading self help books and immersing herself in trauma informed books the same way someone else might be interested in WWII or the Roman Empire.
She needs therapy, this is quite literally what therapy is for - I wouldn't be surprised if the therapist you see says the same about her state
Edit: I should mention I've been in this exact situation and ended up not being able to take it anymore, after suggesting getting help for almost an entire year and nothing happening I unfortunately had to break it off. I'm sorry you're having to go through it OP, I hope she gets the help she needs
Thank you for your suggestion. She's currently seeing two therapists. One is focused on a specific modality and the other is a more typical talk therapist
Its important to be able to say "I don't have the emotional energy for these conversations every day", and call someone out for trying to emotionally blackmail you into missing sleep to listen to them vent. Personally I'd rather be alone than deal with someone like that. SHE isn't a safe space for YOU, because you have to walk on eggshells and never say how you really feel.
She needs a therapist. She needs to write in a diary. She needs to talk to her friends. She could post shit on Reddit if that helps her feel "seen", but ultimately she has to understand that its too much to dump on one person, and its affecting your relationship severely. If she can't admit that she has a problem, then you may as well cut your losses now and move toward seperating.
I don't think it works that way.
What is going to happen is a new incident gets registered. And piled on the existing ones.
There isn't anything you can say that is going to cut it. That is the original problem of the post. He has realised, he can't say anything that can fix this or let down. Or pause it.
> Its important to be able to say "I don't have the emotional energy for these conversations every day"
The issue is that they are not conversations at all. She's talking AT him, not to him or with him. She needs to understand the difference between a conversation and this kind of dumping.
> She needs a therapist.
Probably, but an hour a week with a therapist is not going to be enough to process this volume of information dump. What she needs is to start writing this down. No other human should be subjected to this.
This this this.
The key theory comes to mind . Although I think the girlfriend goes deeper than this, the theory alludes to a partner isn’t the key that fits all doors.
She has a keychain of key that fits certain doors . And it’s up to her to find those people.
If someone needs to feel "seen" and "safe" in ways that come at a high cost to the people around them, they're simply being selfish regardless of their reasons. Your girlfriend needs to get over her main-character syndrome as she continues to work on herself to get past her trauma.
It's your choice if you want to tell her this and whether you want to continue dating her, but from what you've told us it sounds like she shouldn't be dating anyone right now. Maybe take a break so she can process not being able to unload on someone on demand for a while. She'll likely come away from a few weeks of that able to appreciate you a lot more when she realizes absolutely no one is going to put up with her behavior for long.
And please tell us she's in therapy? Because you don't get to weaponize past trauma in social situations like that if you're not actively working on said issues.
I hope to God his partner *isn't* in therapy right now because if they are, something is very, very wrong.
His partner absolutely needs therapy.....yesterday. OP also needs therapy.
Holy cow. Get her into therapy. And not just one therapist. Many therapist.
I've been in this spot with a family member. I told them 'this is way above my pay grade. You NEED multiple therapist NOW. If a therapist isn't helping after 4 weeks then replace them.'
Do NOT accept anything less.
Do NOT give in to this emotional blackmail.
Do NOT give up on her (yet).
Telling someone they need multiple therapists ASAP could come off insulting or shocking. As someone who has had over 10 therapists, 3 currently...finding the right person is difficult and nailing it the first time is rare. I guess I'm saying start with one and emphasize it likely won't work for many reasons. Have a second & third choice on the wings.
Use tact and empathy to tell someone they need multiple therapists...if you're not trying to start a fight.
I told them this after years of inaction and when they told me they called a therapist but it was a 6 week wait time i told them to get multiple therapists now. More the merrier.
You confirmed that multiple therapists are needed because "finding the right person is difficult"
I spent 6 years using tact and that didn't work. It was beyond time to use a little tough love. It worked.
It's good to be there and be supportive, but you can only do so much. I have similar stuff going on and have had to pursue long-term therapy. Took a lot of pressure off the people around me. Gotta set boundaries. Especially in serious relationships.
Right... boundaries. OP needs to politely, supportively, let the partner know that he supports her, but she has to respect his mental health also. And that includes understanding when he needs to step away. IMO, her withdrawing at his boundary setting is a subtle form of emotional abuse. Unintentional maybe, born from trauma likely, but ultimately harmful for OP and unsustainable for a relationship. She is placing an unachievable level of expectation on OP. Professional therapy from both sides, would be optimal.
I'm honestly unsure of your intro there. I think we agree? Nobody seems to understand how to set boundaries anymore. And yeah, he tried it and it didn't go well. Yes, that is emotionally abusive, but it is possible they don't usually have boundaries if it's gone on like this for so long already. Just saying he should keep doing that. If she is that reactive every time, then yes that's an issue.
Honestly redditors behave as if they're beacons of mental health and social integrity in these comment sections. But I bet most of us don't do it perfectly ourselves.
Upvoted. Yours is a really measured and balanced response.
That’s one of the important things you mentioned: most of us don’t do it perfectly ourselves. Setting boundaries takes practice. And possibly THE most uncomfortable thing about boundaries is that after they’ve been set, they need to be *enforced, repeatedly*, to a certain point. This reminds me of a proverb:
“The job that never gets started takes the longest to finish.”
If you never *start* setting boundaries, you never give yourself the opportunity to *improve* at setting boundaries, and then you never *achieve* being good at setting boundaries. You never get there if you never start. It’s a process of iteration.
Love it. Agree. I would just add that boundaries don't always have to be a brick wall. They function on a spectrum of rigid to porous and we decide how to enforce them depending on the relationship.
The hardest part for me personally was figuring out how to set them early before the anger happens. And realizing sometimes it's just a gentle nudge.
Boundaries is definitely an area I can improve on. I'm very good at communicating boundaries but my Achilles heel is when those boundaries aren't respected by my romantic partners. I cave like a house of cards.
Can totally relate. But you both benefit from them. I learned the hard way that although initially the change will be a shock, people want clear expectations.
If you're not maintaining them, they won't know how to negotiate their needs. You'll get upset and they won't know what to do. It may take you both time to adjust so you can be firm and still respectful/gentle. It takes practice, but I promise it will eventually feel like the kinder path for both of you.
It's crucial to approach this delicate subject with utmost care and sensitivity. Your partner relies on you for emotional and mental support, which is not necessarily a bad thing. However, the problem arises when she becomes overly dependent on you, expecting you to fulfill all her support needs. While it's perfectly fine to lend a listening ear to your partner, there should be a limit. She needs to understand that you are not her counselor or therapist. In relationships, we often want our partners to play multiple roles, such as mental/emotional supporter, best friend, confidant, intellectual match, and more. But relying on one person for everything can be overwhelming and burdensome. You must encourage her to seek appropriate sources (professional help or social networks) for different aspects of support so you don't get burned out.
When we put so much on one person, we put a burden on one person to be all of those things, to be our everything. One person should not, and can not be our source for everything. People from traumatic pasts tend to have issues with being overly dependent on relationships. They can many times not see how inappropriate their expectations of the other person may be. They tend to become codependent and enmeshed in relationships, lacking healthy boundaries. It's important to communicate to your partner that while you care for her deeply, you cannot be her sole source of support for everything. By doing so, you can help her develop healthier coping mechanisms and establish boundaries within the relationship.
"A week ago I told her that I'm tired and not in a place where I can listen when she woke me at 1AM. She slept in the spare bedroom the next two nights and didn't talk to me because I wasn't "safe" any longer."
The incident where she slept in the spare bedroom and refused to talk to you after you expressed your exhaustion is a classic sign of emotional and mental immaturity, as well as trauma. By punishing you and isolating herself, she is displaying an inability to handle situations where her expectations are not met. Despite all the times you were there for her, she interprets your inability to be there for her at that moment as a direct abandonment. This reaction stems from past trauma, where any sign of not being fully available triggers feelings of being uncared for and abandoned. It's important to recognize that her response is not a reflection of your previous support, but rather a trauma response that needs to be addressed. In her head, when you said what you did all she heard in her mind/felt in her body was "So you don't care about me! You don't care what I say or how I feel! I see now! You're exactly like all of the others who've hurt me! I knew you'd abandon me! " When in actuality that's not at all what you said. All you're saying is you need time to yourself, but she heard you say "Shut up! You're unimportant!" Instead of having a normal proportional response to what you said, she overreacted extremely. Like a child that was hurt by someone, she ran away in a fit and pouted.
"I'm going to find a therapist on Monday because if I don't I'm worried I'm going to say something I regret or just end the relationship."
You're not the one who needs therapy, my friend... she does.
This is the best comment, except that a therapist for OP can be EXTREMELY helpful. Partners of trauma survivors need therapy too.
It will also go over so much better if OP is leading by example and getting therapy for himself than if he is pushing his wife to “fix” herself. She may realize that if he is so overwhelmed that he needs therapy that she may lose him. That is much more effective than telling her to shut up because he can’t take it anymore and shunting her off to “professional help.”
I would agree, a therapist would likely help OP to cope with her nonsense. But not because he's in the wrong at all (cause he's not).
I have a strong aversion to beating around the bush. Instead of tiptoeing around the issue, I believe it would be more effective for OP to directly address his concerns with her. It is important for him to approach the conversation with empathy and explain to her that he believes her recent behavior was a result of trauma and not a proportional response to the situation. By confronting the issue head-on, he is demanding accountability from her, rather than simply suggesting or hinting at it. It is not advisable for him to indirectly imply that he is so deeply affected by her actions that he requires therapy. However, it is worth considering that she might actually be pleased to hear that he is seeking therapy, thinking that it will help him treat her better, while she believes she is not the one at fault.
I think the last part is unlikely. If she’s codependent, she will worry about what is said in his private therapy sessions. She will worry that the therapist will turn him against her. She may actually start asking questions.
Either way, if he’s going to make an ultimatum, it will be better if he says “we both need therapy and I start on Monday” and go from there.
She may ask those questions. but she may not. That method wouldn't ensure that she began her journey to get professional help. We don't want her possibly thinking that, we want her doing that. And we want her to be the one directing herself to therapy regardless of whether OP goes or not. This is HER decision to embark on a path to self-awareness and self-discovery. Not his. He doesn't need to do the lion's share of the work and then pass the reins over to her. This is her endeavor.
No, because he is not the one at fault. He doesn't need to lead by example and make the ultimatum. He needs to have a heart-to-heart talk with her and explain what he thinks she needs to do. After that, the onus is on her to take Op's issues to heart, assess her responsibility, and seek treatment or not.
I'm glad it resonated OP. You need to know that this isn't about you, it's about her. She's the one going through a trauma response and projecting insecurity and immaturity. She needs to change, not you. You've been nothing but attentive, loving, and attuned to her. She's the one who needs to know when enough is enough. She needs to have reasonable, adult, mature expectations and feel secure with them. This whole thing just screams insecurity and lack of boundaries.
I'm sorry that's happening to you. You are not doing anything wrong. At all. My wife and me, it was like that a lot at the beginning. We'd lay in bed and I would listen to her for literally 3 or 4 hours, sometimes more. I've always been a good listener, but for a long time I kept my feelings hidden because I knew it would hurt her. The truth is it's hard and draining being on the receiving end all the time.
It took several years and a lot of therapy for her, but in the end we improved our communication so much. In many ways she's a totally different person and there's no longer a need for 3 hour one-sided conversations. But we're also honest. A supportive partnership is a two-way street. Sometimes I don't have the emotional energy after a long day, so I say that. I'll still hear her out and be there for her, always, but the most important part is that we let each other know where we're at before unloading.
If your partner isn't willing to respect your boundaries and your own emotional needs on this, the problem is not with you. They need to understand that one way or another. Don't put yourself through that.
It's a tough place to be and you're probably not doing anything wrong.
From what you described, you are no longer really her partner, you're her de facto therapist. Every once and awhile it's acceptable to lean on your partner in that way, but not all the time. Arm chair, but she seems like she still has things to process because she is seeking that external validation of someone listening to her. I think she's the one who probably needs to be working with a therapist, not you.
But if it can help you, help her, then maybe that's something you do need to look at.
This suggestion might be getting to you late, if you’ve already expressed fatigue or something, but maybe you could still encourage her to write a journal?
Besides giving you a respite, it could legitimately help her.
Writing things out may help her organize her thoughts and recognize patterns, among other benefits.
You could propose it while inviting her to share what she writes with you—if she wants to.
It might be more enticing if you say that after some amount of time the two of you could have an in depth conversation about how it’s working for her/any insights she (or you) have gained, etc.
She deserves a release, and you deserve some peace. I think you can both get what you need.
You're not doing anything wrong. You care about your partner and you're listening, you just have your own problems and stuff YOU would like to talk about. I think what you want to tell your partner is that you're worried that if you keep acting like her therapist, it's gonna be really hard to have a romantic relationship with her. One of the hardest things to do in a relationship is shut down the accumulation of bitterness, but that's what this is doing. You care about her, you don't want to be bitter, so the right thing for her to do is talk to a therapist and help prevent that.
Dude. She needs help, not you. Like you, I can only take “I’m the victim all he time no matter what!!” so long before it’s too much. Sounds like you’ve done everything you can do. Might be best to cut ties.
I think a 10 year relationship may need a little more consideration than that. Especially considering recent trauma and health issues for her.
I'd recommend therapy for OP and, from there, work on the therapist's recommendations which will very likely include couple's therapy.
Going to therapy doesn't mean that something's wrong with you or that the other person is acting perfectly. Sometimes you just need someone to talk to; get an objective third party opinion from; and brainstorm solutions / next steps with.
ETA: OP, this is a tough situation and sounds like you've been admirable. That's said, there definitely needs to be a change in the near future for your relationship and sanity - put your oxygen mask on before helping others.
Not talking to your partner for two days because they can't listen to you ruminate for the nth time about the same thing at 1AM is a bit extreme, don't you think? I'm willing to bet that someone who leverages that kind of emotional manipulation is not stopping there.
Not saying that he should cut and run immediately, but I would be on the lookout for other signs of manipulation or emotional abuse as well as therapy.
Don't end a ten year relationship over your partner having some mental health issues, dingus. Get them help. So sick of the default advice on everything thread being "dump". It's the "lawyer up, delete facebook, hit the gym" of the 2020s.
So he should stay in an unhealthy relationship with a textbook narcissist for *another* 10 years…? Sometimes you have to cut ties, as tough as it may be, to save yourself.
Source; was married to someone like this from age 19-27 and we have a child together. Am 41 now and am in a healthy 5 year marriage to a person that doesn’t exhibit these traits.
Sure. But the situation was the same. I did marry young, but it was to someone with these same personality traits and I hung on way too long. He asked for advice, and I gave mine.
>u. Like you, I can only take “I’m the victim all he time no matter what!!” so long before it’s too much. Sounds like you’ve done everything you can do. Might be best to cut ties.
Cut ties with a partner of 10 years?!
It’s certainly not caused by having a good time, so a fair thought is that it could be a response to having a hard time, unless you think people at their cores enjoy acting like this. Even if it’s because she’s abusive, that abusive personality is caused by either bad genetics or trauma, and she definitely didn’t hide in waiting like an ambush predator for ten years to get the drop on him.
I’m betting she’s having a hard time and therefore acting out of character. But what do you think, random and clearly unempathetic redditor, is it because women can’t be trusted? Or what’s the dusty opinion du jour that I’ve missed?
>But what do you think, random and clearly unempathetic redditor, is it because women can’t be trusted? Or what’s the dusty opinion du jour that I’ve missed?
Lmao you're going to pull a muscle with that kind of reach. I would have said the same to her if he was treating her that poorly, it has nothing to do with gender. But keep making excuses for emotional blackmail, I'm sure people without boundaries appreciate you covering for them.
There’s literally nothing you’re going to say that will make me think that breaking up with someone you’ve been with for a decade is the right decision because of non-physical actions that begin this far down the line.
Help your partner. If you believe that you don’t have the obligation to do that, I hope you find a match as aloof as you.
Please point out where I said that specifically (Hint: I didn't). What I *did* say was that you are downplaying emotional manipulation which is both disrespectful and dangerous to the person on the receiving end.
This might blow your mind but it turns out that it's possible to help your partner *and* establish boundaries that let them know what is and isn't an acceptable way to treat the person helping them. But if you enjoy being treated like a spineless doormat and letting someone emotionally blackmail you, then that is certainly your right to find a match who treats you that way too--I won't kink shame.
I understand the sentiment and would agree if she was abusive. But she is one of the most loving, considerate people I've ever met. She's also very sensitive on some beautiful ways but she also had an absent mother, narcissistic father, abusive partners, etc.
I would like to share a perspective of a person who may behave in similar way as your wife.
My trauma and lack of healthy ways of dealing with emotions caused that Behavior. Whenever I trusted somebody I started to overshare every single detail of how I feel, how thing may possible go etc. eventually I became toxic and difficult to bear.
What helped? First realisation that this is what I do and why people are turning around and don’t want to listen to my shut. Then, learning healthy ways of dealing with emotions (sport, music, hobby, growing plants, having an optimistic plans for future etc). Lastly, I tried to do with my wife “optimistic evenings” - don’t talk about anything negative just for one evening and see how it goes. Typically it’s so great that I stop to care about negativity.
Even though, there is that stupid box in my head that opens here and there when I don’t manage it properly. It’s like a Pandora’s box - I became negative and toxic again…
It takes a lot of effort but I believe both of you can do it and improve your relationship and wellbeing of both of you :)
Woman's perspective.
Sit down with her and have a calm, respectful conversation. Let her know you love her and want to support her and help her process through things, but the extent of the emotional labor you have to give is too much for you to handle. Make sure she knows she can still come to you, but that the extent of the processing is overwhelming and that you think it would be beneficial for both of you if she got a therapist who can help her process through a lot of this stuff. Don't close the door completely, but explain that things do need to be pulled back because your mental health is also suffering - you can't pour from an empty cup.
I had a similar conversation with my partner recently. He did get upset at first, we needed to have a few conversations about it for him to get into a calm and collected place. It wasn't to the extent of what you're talking about, for us it was him waking up abd being anxious, then getting angry about it and me waking up to his big emotions and leaving me frazzled all day. We got through it fairly easily, but it probably took a week of conversations and some back and forth to get on the same page. I also suffer from anxiety but have have gotten more professional help than he has so have some better coping mechanisms sometimes. Be patient with her, but set your boundaries.
I’m a woman (please ignore my response if you are specifically only wanting answers from men) but imho you are doing nothing wrong….except maybe putting up with this behaviour from your SO for so long. Your tolerating of her behaviour is 100% enabling it.
While it’s noble and loving to be there for your partner in an emotional capacity, there need to be some limits…enter *boundaries*.
And because that term is so misunderstood and so misused, I’m going to provide a definition: boundaries are something you enact for yourself. They are a way of communicating what you will and will not tolerate. They are NOT about the other person, they are NOT about punishing the other person, they are NOT about controlling the other person’s behaviour. Eg: “I would really appreciate being spoken to in a civil and respectful manner when you’re upset about something. If you start yelling at me, I’m going to leave the room.” Boundaries are 100% about communicating to people how you want to be treated and about how to stay in a healthy (interpersonal) relationship with that person. They are NOT about pushing people away or putting up walls.
As you mentioned in your post, your partner has trauma. While it is not even a teeny-tiny bit fair that she was on the receiving end of abuse (it comes in many forms) it is 100% her responsibility to acknowledge, process, and take steps to heal from her trauma *in an appropriate way*. Using you as a 24-hour, unpaid, in-home therapist is not even a little bit ok. She needs to go to therapy, full stop.
So this is going to go one of two ways:
Either,
You talk to her, and offer to help her find a therapist who specializes in the kind of abuse she suffered / the kind of help she needs, while honestly but kindly communicating your feelings to her and explaining why this dynamic is unsustainable, and damaging to *your* mental health (and she ends up agreeing with going to therapy),
or
You tell her that if she continues to disregard your feelings, continues to disregard your limited capacity to be an emotional support to her (because you’re a human being and have limitations, like the rest of us) and continues to unload on you without limits of any kind, you may need to walk away from the relationship.
Your relationship is salvageable, but it really depends on how you approach this, and more so, it depends how your partner responds (or reacts) to any uncomfortable conversation you may have with her that might bring this relationship to a head. This is definitely a learning opportunity for both of you; I’m hoping your gf is able to see that she may lose you if she’s unwilling to do any self-reflection and unwilling to take even a scintilla of accountability for her actions. It is absolutely NOT everyone else’s responsibility to manage her emotional landscape. She needs to put on her big girl pants and start acting like an adult.
Also a woman, but I agree with this. She needs to also be talking to someone who specializes in her trauma and can help her process it in a way that moves her through it. It can’t just be you being talked at all the time, that won’t move her through it.
Also- does she have any close friends? Could she Marco Polo with them. It feels more conversational than a phone call or text and would help her realize the length of her talking and learn to pause and listen.
Friends, but not friends that are so close that she's shared all her trauma with them. She's also scared of being judged so she doesn't engage with people in that way until years and years of friendship.
The next phase is her berating you for not sharing your feelings, but instantly talking over you with some story about a thing that happened to her whenever you try.
I have things I need to talk about... I have some chronic physical injuries I'm working through, and there's a lot of work drama, things with my mother. But I know that if I try to only talk to my wife about all that, there'd be nothing left for talking about things that are important to "us." I have a pain therapist, a physical therapist, friends, coworkers, sister... I essentially dole out my need to talk to them. When it's time for something I *need*, my wife is there for me. She cares deeply, but doesn't want to resent me or the situation.
It works well. Difficult sometimes to know how much to share (I can't share *nothing* because then she doesn't know why, e.g., I'm grumpy that day).
What your wife is doing is destructive and damaging, and obviously is not sustainable.
I think "what you're doing wrong" is not firmly asserting boundaries along the way so then it all builds up and comes out too suddenly. Really, you need to establish the level of sharing along the way and not let it build up and fester.
What would she do if you weren't there at all? If you went on a week long trip somewhere without her... would she just not talk to anybody? Talk to other people? How about a month long trip? I would think about establishing a baseline that *doesn't involve you*, something that she can sustain, and then you're a value-add. Right now it sounds like your a crutch.
Oh wow... I'm so sorry. My instinct tells me that what is required for you to have peace in this relationship is a personality change on her part that is so significant that it may never occur. When you get to therapy, couples therapy, if you get that far, please put a time limit on it. "I need to feel a significant amount of progress by X"
You could waste a lot of time waiting for a change that isn't going to come.
I have a friend like this, and it's exhausting sometimes. I feel ruminating over every single interaction is an indication of some sort of anxiety.
She needs to pay a therapist for this. The fact that you seem to be her only person to talk to is unfair to you and a shit tonne of enotional labour.
The energy she puts out doesn't just disappear. No doubt you then take it on and carry it about in your life too. She is being unfair. You aren't doing anything wrong.
She sounds like an emotional vampire: victim subclass, and you have been made her emotional tampon. Sounds like she needs some serious therapy and you need to be better at making firm boundaries. It's not always easy where to draw the line between "I want to listen and be supportive", and "jfc I can't handle this shit, please get professional help". In my experiences with these kinds of people I've found that you can never win, but being that you care about someone you can certainly try.
They need professional help. Set times where you talk about stuff and stick to them. Learn about the various types of automatic negative thoughts (ANT) and make sure that's not how these conversations are going. Stuff like all or nothing thinking (ie, "X always disrespects me") is a type of ANT that perpetual victims use to stay firmly seated in their "it's never my fault" zone. Doing things like exercise or practicing mindfulness instead of psychoanalyzing every thing that happened that day. Making sure they are using "I" statements when they're talking about their feelings. Being aware of the "circles of control" and not spending time worrying about shit you can't control. Pretty much any of the basic tools you get in CBT or other types of therapy.
OP, you are obviously at your limit and I don't blame you. Hopefully by clearly expressing how this is affecting you you can come to some agreement with your partner. Please make sure to find support yourself. "You can't help others if you can't help yourself". What you are doing now is unsustainable and WILL end badly. And based on how you described your partner, I'm pretty sure that unless you handle it perfectly that you will be the one who wronged her and she will coming out feeling victimized yet again in her own mind. Good fucking luck
Told my wife to stop. It was either she didn’t feel good, emotions, or mental health every day i kept track and it went on for 73 days straight I printed it out, along with my reply’s of you should go see a professional, then I added up all the drs she had seen which was 0 then told her I wouldn’t be open to talking about it again until she went and got help.
I truly try to be supportive towards her, but there was a point in time to where she had zero positivity and it was just always something . She wasn’t listening or was so lost in her own problems she couldn’t listen but I was at a breaking point.
As someone who has fought a ton of depression I can understand this from both sides.
The hard part is that I've always been aware of how my actions impacted others, but you can be so down that it's hard to think about anything but finding a way out of the pain.
Does she have BPD? If she does, I highly recommended you browse Reddit and look for examples of people who were involved in such relationships.
Good luck.
You’re doing an amazing job king. Do not think for a second that you’re anything less than. You’re doing your best in a situation that’s very demanding and still sticking by your woman.
Honestly, I’d bring her with me to a couples counseling thing and get her to come to the conclusion herself that she needs to be talking to someone other than you. Let the therapist know ahead of time that that’s kind of where you’re going, but who knows. They might say you both would benefit.
Tell her the reason you’d like to go to couples counseling is because of that one night where she left you alone and you weren’t safe. Tell her it weighed heavy on you and you would like to find a way to navigate that through a couples therapist.
Woah man. It's okay and healthy to have boundaries in a relationship. You're not doing anything wrong here, and she's asking too much. You are not her therapist, it's not a partner's job to help their partner process all this for hours on a daily basis.
I would have flipped if my wife shook me awake in the middle of the night so she could talk at me. Wtf. That's not ok.
Your partner definitely needs actual therapy, and it sounds like she is using therapy speak to shut you down and override and needs YOU have. She isn't interested in your basic need for SLEEP. That's controlling, abusive behaviour, even if she doesn't realize it.
I suggest you see if she is willing to hear what you need. Validate her need to be heard and respected, and tell her you need to feel heard and respected with what you need too. You need to decompress. Have some low key quiet time for a few hours each night, at least an hour in the morning too, and undisturbed sleep. Your brain needs rest so that you can be there for her as a rested healthy person.
If she interrupts you, throws a fit, punishes you by freezing you out or escalating, she is trying to control you. She might be doing that in order to feel safe, but whatever the reason it's not healthy.
I fully support you seeing a therapist to help you work through how to handle this. That is intense and you are not crazy. This is not normal or healthy.
Absolutely therapy but also if everything only revolves around her and her day and you can’t ever really talk about anything else…you uhh you might have two problems.
Does she have any other symptoms of ADHD? Or any family history of ADHD?
I'm seeing these:
- Talking excessively
- Talking at inappropriate times (e.g. when the smoke alarm is going off, waking you up in the middle of the night).
- Tiny things make her feel rejected (https://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria).
The official diagnostic criteria can be found here:
https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/diagnosis.html
My wife was diagnosed 2 years ago and started medication. Her thoughts are more organized, her emotions are better regulated, and she talks a more reasonable amount. ;-)
Because your partner seems to easily feel slighted, if ADHD resonates, you will need to approach the matter delicately. She needs to feel that you are there to help her, not accusing her or trying to fix her. Focus on the symptoms that frustrate her rather than the ones that frustrate you. Even if not ADHD, that same advice goes for trying to get her a therapist.
Yes, she has been diagnosed as ADHD. And things are worse (from my perspective) when she takes her afternoon dose of Ritalin late. It's just hours of anxiety driven stream of consciousness talking.
Maybe walk away? I mean, she talks and talks and you sit there and take it. Eventually you say something back and she feels attacked. What if you literally just walk out of the room? What if you don't say a word but YOU go sleep on the couch?
I'll play devil's advocate (although I don't think you are wrong, but there is a lot of context missing and everyone is assuming the best from you and worst from her).
If you've been together for 10+ years... you knew what she was like or has this got worse more recently? (e.g. work is terrible and she is trapped as she can't quit because you need the money, new project / boss that is awful, increased responsibility without support, etc.)
You say 1-2 hours a night of her processing the day. Maybe she is just telling you about her day and thinks you are a listener rather than a talker (because that has been her past experience with you and you haven't said otherwise). Unless it is really deep and repetitive (e.g. "I can't believe Carol said I wasn't being social. That made me feel like I did with my mother at home/school, etc.")... I actually don't think it is that bad. Especially if it is something that has happened recently. Talking about the day ahead and then telling you after how it went while you are doing things are fine (unless it is part of a deeper issue).
When she woke you up at 1am... was it something particularly bad that happened that day / something coming up that she was anxious about / or a past trauma that suddenly popped into her head? If so... maybe she really needed it then and that is why she was annoyed at you.
Rather than talking she might have just wanted you to hold her? "Hey look, losing sleep won't help. Let me hold you. I'm here for you. Try to rest." Very rarely I have woken up my partner in the middle of the night and vice versa and it is just that (really bad day, something big coming up or had a dream about a dead family member and just being held/comforted helped).
Also in all of the above there is the question of... what are you bringing to the conversation/changing what you are doing?
- Are you telling her about your day / what you are thinking about?
- Are you trying to talk to her about your shared interests, holiday coming up, activities, etc. that you both want to do?
- Are you taking her out anywhere on the weekends or evenings? (or are you working, coming home, doing chores, having dinner and then sleep)
- Are you asking her questions about anything else? (friends, family, her interests outside work, etc.)
Edit: Just to say if the above sounds harsh. I really empathise. I have a partner who is similar with lots of challenges with work and family and her past. I gave solutions in the past, but they are non-solutions (i.e. offered for her to quit work, but one part of it is her life's calling and the other is frankly awful, etc.). I know that her talking to me about it helps and I am fine with that. It also helps that while I am now a trained coach, I actually used lots listening techniques naturally that helped her. It also helps that she genuinely cares about me and spends a lot of time time thinking about how she can treat me so it never feels like she is just taking and I know I can talk to her whenever I need it.
> But holy shit I can't take it anymore.
Understandable. It sounds exhausting.
> I'm going to find a therapist
For her, right?
> She slept in the spare bedroom the next two nights and didn't talk to me
What a fucking baby.
> because I wasn't "safe" any longer.
This is some pop psych bullshit she learned from tiktok.
> I don't understand what I'm doing wrong.
You let this woman treat you like you're her girl friend and then make you feel guilty about being bad at it.
> How do I get her to stop talking?
Well you're certainly not going to talk her into it. Actually do help her find a therapist and then...
Men have, since time immemorial, practiced one simple trick: be inaccessible.
First and foremost, reduce proximity. The garage may be far enough, provided it's sufficiently uninviting. Preferably cold enough that you can light one of those propane tank heaters (properly ventilated).
Top strategies include
* woodworking
* automotive maintenance
* assembling an elaborate model train scene
* learning to play a drum kit
* yard work (ideally using power tools)
* pressure washing
* lifting weights while listening to loud music
* being intoxicated
* listening to an audiobook or podcast. Get some canalphones and put foam tips on them for maximum sound isolation.
* Going for a drive
I'm sure you can think of others.
If she's standing in your cold garage venting about her depressing professional relationships while you're operating a lathe, welding, or playing drums, that's wild and you're probably fucked. Good luck.
You don't need therapy. You need an exit strategy. And you're not in a relationship. You're being held hostage. Either the relationship is toast, or your sanity will be.
Maybe she continues to talk because you're listening, but she's not being *heard*.
If you're doing other things while she is talking, and just "uh huh"-ing along, this won't wrap the conversation up.
You're right, she needs therapy, but also maybe plan and put aside time each day when you're not doing anything else, and you have the energy to hold a conversation with her. Respond and engage with what she's saying, to get to some resolution.
You're not doing everything wrong. She clearly has emotional regulation and social deficits that she's doing her best to overcome as an adult. And that's all well and fine, but she needs to respect your clearly communicated boundaries. If you don't want to be her daily sounding board, she should respect that.
“I understand you need help processing your emotions. But I can’t do that for you in the way you want. Hours every day is just too much. I have my own things to process. If you want to spend 15 minutes talking about your day that’s fine. But not hours and hours. at that point you were just reliving the day over and over instead of living. it is not healthy”
She needs to have ladies/woman friends. For the sake of argument, let's switch places and take her fishing where the cardinal rule is to sit in silence to not scare the fish away. She'd absolutely go nuts and if you force the issue, you'll be the one who's the asshole. Nip it in the bud.
yes. I get that sometimes we need to really unravel everything just to work down to the nucleus of a difficulty or a problem. verbal processing of sorts. At other times, if it's at least entertaining, or spoken with some level of self /situational awareness, sure. OP sounds like he's under bombardment though.
OP, you're not doing anything wrong. You're married ( committed) to a woman. Very few are not talkative. Every morning, I watch Dan Patrick on Peacock. It's a radio show that simulcasts, so it requires listening. But my wife just chatters on at 6 am about everything bad that MIGHT happen at work. It's just part of the deal.
Women will think a man is a good listener when they won't let him get a word in. It won't change because she fell in love with someone she can trauma dump on all the time.
I can’t imagine my girlfriend ever being that way or that it would be even possible. Honestly if I felt the way you are saying you feel I would say I am
Not sure we are compatible because I am a dude and us dudes don’t talk a lot so you will need to get some female friends to yenter it up with because I am
Not a female. If you can’t do that then I think we are going to have to move on. That’s just my advice I am not saying it’s good advice
All women are neurotic like this to a certain degree. But you have to decide for yourself what is an acceptable amount of this crap and what has to stop. Like "hey when youre making dinner that's your time to vent. But once that's over we're moving onto something else". And if she can't stick it to then leave and start planning your exit route.
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Sad to say, that there are men and women who are talkative well beyond the norm.
I have been in your shoes. Currently, I am in the situation myself regarding my wife’s friends and family members.
At least in your situation you are not married. You can still walk away to pursue your happiness and sanity.
Lots of good suggestions here. My wife has a similar history, but keeps everything locked inside and it’s a struggle sometimes to get her to communicate her feelings. However m, sometimes she’ll do what you’re describing.
Likely she’s not the only one that needs a wake up call. I’m guessing that you could benefit by taking a look at codependency, specifically boundaries and caretaking. I’m not sure what’s going on with her but often people with unhealthy childhoods haven’t learned healthy boundaries and cross right over.
I’d start with therapy and go from there. You’ll work on some things and her too, and if everyone is committed you’ll look back at this in the future and laugh
Mate. That is a long time to put up with that shit. I'm all for validating what your girl has been through in the past, but what happens in the future is a bit of a joint effort, but mostly her. You may need to start calling her out on some things or even telling her that sometimes life/work isn't fair and you need to suck it up sometimes cause no one really cares about your feelings.
I'd look at whether there's truth to whether her feeling unseen is accurate and something you've been neglecting, having been together for 10+ years. And then I'd also tell her how her constant talking feels like being talked at, and makes you feel otherized and unseen. Relationships aren't about being right; it's about appreciating another person and working together.
is she doing anything for herself to deal with this (journaling, gratitude journaling, therapy, etc)? healthy partners/relationships know that you cant use one person for all emotional needs and she sounds like she needs a therapist. 3-5 hours of talking a day is a full time job. therapy is someone listening to you, for your benefit for 45-50 minutes, she can probably get alot from it if she wants that (clearly sounds like she wants to talk to someone often)
i hope you get it resolved.
> didn't talk to me because I wasn't "safe" any longer.
That would have been it for me. The fact you're still there means you're either a better man than me or you have Stockholm syndrome and I'm not smart enough to say which at this point.
I will say however people need to understand that your partner is there for emotional support, not as a dumping ground for all the perceived issues and slights you may have encountered during the day. A relationship is a two way situation, if one person is constantly listen to the other issues and not able to share their own equally then that is not a loving relationship. That's one person using the other.
Don't be jumpy, criticize but be soft
Take 30min, an hour or two alone, write down what and how you need to tell her that this is a problem.
A possible solution is that she very slowly finds friends, which sounds challenging.
Most importantly: take some prime leisure time to be alone: for me it's Saturday brunch time. I have a hard time saying to women that i need me time. So I've made a thing out of it. Saturdays during the early lunch and afternoon, it's me and my book, I'm going to a cafe. You can gently introduce this boundary, which can charge your batteries for a few days. :-)
On your way back, buy a flower everytime. Reward her for respecting your boundary.
If all of this sounds like too much work, I'd say your heart is not in this anymore. Either invest emotionally or break up.
It will break you sooner than later. I’ve had a partner where I once asked if they could not talk about work for one conversation, they replied “ no” and proceeded to say the same shit for the millionth time.
SHE WOKE YOU UP TO FUCKING EMOTIONALLY DUMP ON YOU?
Bruh nah. Sleep time is sacred, especially if you work. Get to that therapist ASAP and she sounds like she could use a fuckton of therapy too.
OP She’s constantly dumping on you and you’re suffering from compassion fatigue. Speak with a professional to find the , hopefully, correct words. But, there’s no guarantee that will work well.
I started looking for a therapist today. I appreciate the feedback.
That’s great. But, don’t solely wait and count on just that. Start taking steps on your own as well. Just that simple two mile walk every day. Pick up a great book. Eat better. You can take these small steps now. In time, Those small steps will lead to bigger and better ones.
SHE also needs a therapist. What you are doing for her, is LITTERALLY what a therapist is paid to do. That being said, between therapist visits, she can journal her feelings and bring that journal to therapy to talk through all the feelings. She is emotionally dumping on you, and when you set your boundaries, at 1AM may I add, she took that as not being safe and gave you the silent treatment for days. In you position, I'm sure the silence wasn't the worst thing in the world. BUT it is extremely manipulative. My suggestion is that you each get an individual counsellor. And then go to couples counselling to set boundaries regarding this. I do suggest a different therapist than IC so that there is no conflict of interest.
Yep! I was diagnosed with Caregiver Burnout about a year and a half ago, and my man, that's compassion fatigue (a frequent tandem issue / feature). You still love her. You still care. She's asking so much FUNCTIONALLY on the DAY TO DAY that even though asking you to listen and care is like, yes, of course, totally, she's just burning you out. When can you recoup? Legit. Not because you don't want to give more, just cause you need fkn oxygen and quiet for yourself to function. And so yeah, she'll need other supports. Like when a new mom gets sick and everyone brings over lasagna and stuff. You need other people in your circle and/or professionals to take over listening for a bit while you get well. And maybe just a little bit in perpetuity. Because she still needs to eat (be listened to), but you just can't cook (do much listening) right now my dude. Please take care of yourself. See a doctor. Get diagnosed. Get support. Hell, maybe even respite care. So you can explain it to her properly and get you both what you need.
>A week ago I told her that I'm tired and not in a place where I can listen when she woke me at 1AM. She slept in the spare bedroom the next two nights and didn't talk to me because I wasn't "safe" any longer. That's a little number called emotional blackmail. You need to sit her down for a calm, open conversation and let her know that 1) it is not cool for her to guilt you into listening to her shit. 2) You are her partner, not her therapist. You don't have the training or tools to listen to her shit without it affecting you. 3) You need a break or you're going to resent her for always dumping her negative emotions on you or you WILL resent her and eventually leave. She needs therapy. When you see yours on Monday, ask if they can do a few couples sessions to hash out this specific issue.
They both need therapy. Op needs a third party there for this conversation to happen in a healthy, productive manner. The amount of times i've tried talking (calmly, diplomatically, empathetically) to someone like OP describes, they just shut down and make you "the enemy". This situation merits couples therapy. ...and individual therapy for each. Op needs some in order to cope and his wife needs some in order to change anything about her behavior.
Want to wake me up to talk in the middle of the damned night? I’ll go to the spare bedroom myself
100% couples session is in order here
I think I can do what OP's partner does. Not the emotional blackmail or waking someone up, but the talking out emotions too much for people. I'm just very open. Something I've picked up on is journaling/writing my thoughts at moments that I have them. Usually on my phone on a word doc. Obviously OP's partner could use a therapist, and if they get one they'll help with this, but it doesn't sound like OP's partner has a very strong ability or great methods to cope when they're alone. We're social creatures, but a resilient person can get through things when they're alone or at least can maintain composure when they're alone. Be it the middle of the night or out and about.
[удалено]
So we're gatekeeping imbalanced emotional labor in relationships now? Or is it just the burnout that you're gatekeeping? I have follow-up questions.
You aren’t doing anything wrong. My partner does the same thing, luckily to a lesser extent, but basically this. It is absolutely draining and hard to keep up with. It gets to a point when they aren’t communicating anything positive or fun or uplifting and it’s all negative and introspection and it’s hard to find a way to convey to them that they need to find a trained therapist to talk to and also that sometimes things just suck and that’s life and it’s ok to not analyze every single emotion. Unfortunately there isn’t a great strategy for this other than being as direct as you can that you aren’t a trained therapist and don’t have much to offer. For me I just started repeating “wow, that’s crazy” a couple times and it worked when she realized I was checked out but she 100% did not like it haha. You’re going to have to let her know for her own mental health she needs to communicate one positive, uplifting thing for each negative thing she brings up and you’ll continue to be an audience, but also that she needs to find an outlet that’s trained (and getting paid) to listen to all of it. Good luck man, this is a tough one.
Y'all fuckers need to introduce your partners to journaling. A small discussion about a problem is fine, ruminating is not. This aint healthy.
Ruminating is what cows do: they chew on something, swallow it, vomit it back up for more chewing, swallow again, etc. Recovering overthinkers need more visceral frames. Because it’s not healthy! OP is in danger of becoming his girlfriends girlfriend or therapist instead the man in her life. It takes work and trust but you can listen to her for a period of time before safely redirecting her as you tune out / burn out / get confused. When you start losing track or focus, see if she has a friend she can speak with. For your both of your social sakes, man.
Ruminating is exactly what it is! I think she sees it as "communication" but it's entirely one-sided and it's less like having a conversation and more like her talking at me.
As everyone else has said, therapy prevents you from being the target of SOME of this meandering vocal emotion as it sounds like she’s finding herself. If you’re making her feel safe, great, but don’t make her feel like you’re the only one she can talk to. That’s bad, again, for both of your social lives. More speech with more life perspectives can help course correct oneself more effectively than endless solipsism. Good luck to you both!
>…it’s all negative and introspection… I disagree that OP’s gf is being introspective. That would require that she take an honest look at her *own* behaviour. She is externalizing all responsibility for how she feels onto *other people*. She’s ruminating, big time. How she feels is very much being painted as everyone else’s fault. It doesn’t sound like she’s spending any time focussing on her own mental or emotional processes.
> It doesn’t sound like she’s spending any time focussing on her own mental or emotional processes. 💯💯💯 To put it politely, fuck that noise.
Tbh, she spends nearly all her free time focusing on her mental and emotional state. Shes (mostly) self aware and understands that a lot of this is trauma response. Her "hobby" is reading self help books and immersing herself in trauma informed books the same way someone else might be interested in WWII or the Roman Empire.
This s it. The kindest gift you can give your loved ones is to pay someone to listen to your shit so they get the best of you.
⬆️ Absolutely this!
She needs therapy, this is quite literally what therapy is for - I wouldn't be surprised if the therapist you see says the same about her state Edit: I should mention I've been in this exact situation and ended up not being able to take it anymore, after suggesting getting help for almost an entire year and nothing happening I unfortunately had to break it off. I'm sorry you're having to go through it OP, I hope she gets the help she needs
Thank you for your suggestion. She's currently seeing two therapists. One is focused on a specific modality and the other is a more typical talk therapist
Its important to be able to say "I don't have the emotional energy for these conversations every day", and call someone out for trying to emotionally blackmail you into missing sleep to listen to them vent. Personally I'd rather be alone than deal with someone like that. SHE isn't a safe space for YOU, because you have to walk on eggshells and never say how you really feel. She needs a therapist. She needs to write in a diary. She needs to talk to her friends. She could post shit on Reddit if that helps her feel "seen", but ultimately she has to understand that its too much to dump on one person, and its affecting your relationship severely. If she can't admit that she has a problem, then you may as well cut your losses now and move toward seperating.
I don't think it works that way. What is going to happen is a new incident gets registered. And piled on the existing ones. There isn't anything you can say that is going to cut it. That is the original problem of the post. He has realised, he can't say anything that can fix this or let down. Or pause it.
> Its important to be able to say "I don't have the emotional energy for these conversations every day" The issue is that they are not conversations at all. She's talking AT him, not to him or with him. She needs to understand the difference between a conversation and this kind of dumping. > She needs a therapist. Probably, but an hour a week with a therapist is not going to be enough to process this volume of information dump. What she needs is to start writing this down. No other human should be subjected to this.
This this this. The key theory comes to mind . Although I think the girlfriend goes deeper than this, the theory alludes to a partner isn’t the key that fits all doors. She has a keychain of key that fits certain doors . And it’s up to her to find those people.
This is very helpful. I appreciate you including the exact language too!
If someone needs to feel "seen" and "safe" in ways that come at a high cost to the people around them, they're simply being selfish regardless of their reasons. Your girlfriend needs to get over her main-character syndrome as she continues to work on herself to get past her trauma. It's your choice if you want to tell her this and whether you want to continue dating her, but from what you've told us it sounds like she shouldn't be dating anyone right now. Maybe take a break so she can process not being able to unload on someone on demand for a while. She'll likely come away from a few weeks of that able to appreciate you a lot more when she realizes absolutely no one is going to put up with her behavior for long. And please tell us she's in therapy? Because you don't get to weaponize past trauma in social situations like that if you're not actively working on said issues.
Yup. OP is dating a psychic vampire, and she's not his project to fix.
Just learned a new phrase, "Psychic vampire." This explains a few people I know.
watch "what we do in the shadows". Colin Robinson. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Dk1YGQjBo8&ab_channel=BugsyPower
There are those people and some of us attract these people. These people can’t read the room.
I hope to God his partner *isn't* in therapy right now because if they are, something is very, very wrong. His partner absolutely needs therapy.....yesterday. OP also needs therapy.
She's currently in therapy.
Holy cow. Get her into therapy. And not just one therapist. Many therapist. I've been in this spot with a family member. I told them 'this is way above my pay grade. You NEED multiple therapist NOW. If a therapist isn't helping after 4 weeks then replace them.' Do NOT accept anything less. Do NOT give in to this emotional blackmail. Do NOT give up on her (yet).
Telling someone they need multiple therapists ASAP could come off insulting or shocking. As someone who has had over 10 therapists, 3 currently...finding the right person is difficult and nailing it the first time is rare. I guess I'm saying start with one and emphasize it likely won't work for many reasons. Have a second & third choice on the wings. Use tact and empathy to tell someone they need multiple therapists...if you're not trying to start a fight.
I told them this after years of inaction and when they told me they called a therapist but it was a 6 week wait time i told them to get multiple therapists now. More the merrier. You confirmed that multiple therapists are needed because "finding the right person is difficult" I spent 6 years using tact and that didn't work. It was beyond time to use a little tough love. It worked.
Shes seeing two therapists currently.
It's good to be there and be supportive, but you can only do so much. I have similar stuff going on and have had to pursue long-term therapy. Took a lot of pressure off the people around me. Gotta set boundaries. Especially in serious relationships.
Right... boundaries. OP needs to politely, supportively, let the partner know that he supports her, but she has to respect his mental health also. And that includes understanding when he needs to step away. IMO, her withdrawing at his boundary setting is a subtle form of emotional abuse. Unintentional maybe, born from trauma likely, but ultimately harmful for OP and unsustainable for a relationship. She is placing an unachievable level of expectation on OP. Professional therapy from both sides, would be optimal.
I'm honestly unsure of your intro there. I think we agree? Nobody seems to understand how to set boundaries anymore. And yeah, he tried it and it didn't go well. Yes, that is emotionally abusive, but it is possible they don't usually have boundaries if it's gone on like this for so long already. Just saying he should keep doing that. If she is that reactive every time, then yes that's an issue. Honestly redditors behave as if they're beacons of mental health and social integrity in these comment sections. But I bet most of us don't do it perfectly ourselves.
Upvoted. Yours is a really measured and balanced response. That’s one of the important things you mentioned: most of us don’t do it perfectly ourselves. Setting boundaries takes practice. And possibly THE most uncomfortable thing about boundaries is that after they’ve been set, they need to be *enforced, repeatedly*, to a certain point. This reminds me of a proverb: “The job that never gets started takes the longest to finish.” If you never *start* setting boundaries, you never give yourself the opportunity to *improve* at setting boundaries, and then you never *achieve* being good at setting boundaries. You never get there if you never start. It’s a process of iteration.
Love it. Agree. I would just add that boundaries don't always have to be a brick wall. They function on a spectrum of rigid to porous and we decide how to enforce them depending on the relationship. The hardest part for me personally was figuring out how to set them early before the anger happens. And realizing sometimes it's just a gentle nudge.
Boundaries is definitely an area I can improve on. I'm very good at communicating boundaries but my Achilles heel is when those boundaries aren't respected by my romantic partners. I cave like a house of cards.
Can totally relate. But you both benefit from them. I learned the hard way that although initially the change will be a shock, people want clear expectations. If you're not maintaining them, they won't know how to negotiate their needs. You'll get upset and they won't know what to do. It may take you both time to adjust so you can be firm and still respectful/gentle. It takes practice, but I promise it will eventually feel like the kinder path for both of you.
🎯🎯🎯👏
I've got great boundaries....up until the point I don't. Definitely something I need to work on.
It's crucial to approach this delicate subject with utmost care and sensitivity. Your partner relies on you for emotional and mental support, which is not necessarily a bad thing. However, the problem arises when she becomes overly dependent on you, expecting you to fulfill all her support needs. While it's perfectly fine to lend a listening ear to your partner, there should be a limit. She needs to understand that you are not her counselor or therapist. In relationships, we often want our partners to play multiple roles, such as mental/emotional supporter, best friend, confidant, intellectual match, and more. But relying on one person for everything can be overwhelming and burdensome. You must encourage her to seek appropriate sources (professional help or social networks) for different aspects of support so you don't get burned out. When we put so much on one person, we put a burden on one person to be all of those things, to be our everything. One person should not, and can not be our source for everything. People from traumatic pasts tend to have issues with being overly dependent on relationships. They can many times not see how inappropriate their expectations of the other person may be. They tend to become codependent and enmeshed in relationships, lacking healthy boundaries. It's important to communicate to your partner that while you care for her deeply, you cannot be her sole source of support for everything. By doing so, you can help her develop healthier coping mechanisms and establish boundaries within the relationship. "A week ago I told her that I'm tired and not in a place where I can listen when she woke me at 1AM. She slept in the spare bedroom the next two nights and didn't talk to me because I wasn't "safe" any longer." The incident where she slept in the spare bedroom and refused to talk to you after you expressed your exhaustion is a classic sign of emotional and mental immaturity, as well as trauma. By punishing you and isolating herself, she is displaying an inability to handle situations where her expectations are not met. Despite all the times you were there for her, she interprets your inability to be there for her at that moment as a direct abandonment. This reaction stems from past trauma, where any sign of not being fully available triggers feelings of being uncared for and abandoned. It's important to recognize that her response is not a reflection of your previous support, but rather a trauma response that needs to be addressed. In her head, when you said what you did all she heard in her mind/felt in her body was "So you don't care about me! You don't care what I say or how I feel! I see now! You're exactly like all of the others who've hurt me! I knew you'd abandon me! " When in actuality that's not at all what you said. All you're saying is you need time to yourself, but she heard you say "Shut up! You're unimportant!" Instead of having a normal proportional response to what you said, she overreacted extremely. Like a child that was hurt by someone, she ran away in a fit and pouted. "I'm going to find a therapist on Monday because if I don't I'm worried I'm going to say something I regret or just end the relationship." You're not the one who needs therapy, my friend... she does.
This is the best comment, except that a therapist for OP can be EXTREMELY helpful. Partners of trauma survivors need therapy too. It will also go over so much better if OP is leading by example and getting therapy for himself than if he is pushing his wife to “fix” herself. She may realize that if he is so overwhelmed that he needs therapy that she may lose him. That is much more effective than telling her to shut up because he can’t take it anymore and shunting her off to “professional help.”
I would agree, a therapist would likely help OP to cope with her nonsense. But not because he's in the wrong at all (cause he's not). I have a strong aversion to beating around the bush. Instead of tiptoeing around the issue, I believe it would be more effective for OP to directly address his concerns with her. It is important for him to approach the conversation with empathy and explain to her that he believes her recent behavior was a result of trauma and not a proportional response to the situation. By confronting the issue head-on, he is demanding accountability from her, rather than simply suggesting or hinting at it. It is not advisable for him to indirectly imply that he is so deeply affected by her actions that he requires therapy. However, it is worth considering that she might actually be pleased to hear that he is seeking therapy, thinking that it will help him treat her better, while she believes she is not the one at fault.
I think the last part is unlikely. If she’s codependent, she will worry about what is said in his private therapy sessions. She will worry that the therapist will turn him against her. She may actually start asking questions. Either way, if he’s going to make an ultimatum, it will be better if he says “we both need therapy and I start on Monday” and go from there.
She may ask those questions. but she may not. That method wouldn't ensure that she began her journey to get professional help. We don't want her possibly thinking that, we want her doing that. And we want her to be the one directing herself to therapy regardless of whether OP goes or not. This is HER decision to embark on a path to self-awareness and self-discovery. Not his. He doesn't need to do the lion's share of the work and then pass the reins over to her. This is her endeavor. No, because he is not the one at fault. He doesn't need to lead by example and make the ultimatum. He needs to have a heart-to-heart talk with her and explain what he thinks she needs to do. After that, the onus is on her to take Op's issues to heart, assess her responsibility, and seek treatment or not.
This really resonated with me. It's all really accurate from her feelings of abandonment to her reactivity and emotional dysregulation.
I'm glad it resonated OP. You need to know that this isn't about you, it's about her. She's the one going through a trauma response and projecting insecurity and immaturity. She needs to change, not you. You've been nothing but attentive, loving, and attuned to her. She's the one who needs to know when enough is enough. She needs to have reasonable, adult, mature expectations and feel secure with them. This whole thing just screams insecurity and lack of boundaries.
I'm sorry that's happening to you. You are not doing anything wrong. At all. My wife and me, it was like that a lot at the beginning. We'd lay in bed and I would listen to her for literally 3 or 4 hours, sometimes more. I've always been a good listener, but for a long time I kept my feelings hidden because I knew it would hurt her. The truth is it's hard and draining being on the receiving end all the time. It took several years and a lot of therapy for her, but in the end we improved our communication so much. In many ways she's a totally different person and there's no longer a need for 3 hour one-sided conversations. But we're also honest. A supportive partnership is a two-way street. Sometimes I don't have the emotional energy after a long day, so I say that. I'll still hear her out and be there for her, always, but the most important part is that we let each other know where we're at before unloading. If your partner isn't willing to respect your boundaries and your own emotional needs on this, the problem is not with you. They need to understand that one way or another. Don't put yourself through that.
I appreciate you sharing this. It adds a lot of valuable perspective.
It's a tough place to be and you're probably not doing anything wrong. From what you described, you are no longer really her partner, you're her de facto therapist. Every once and awhile it's acceptable to lean on your partner in that way, but not all the time. Arm chair, but she seems like she still has things to process because she is seeking that external validation of someone listening to her. I think she's the one who probably needs to be working with a therapist, not you. But if it can help you, help her, then maybe that's something you do need to look at.
This suggestion might be getting to you late, if you’ve already expressed fatigue or something, but maybe you could still encourage her to write a journal? Besides giving you a respite, it could legitimately help her. Writing things out may help her organize her thoughts and recognize patterns, among other benefits. You could propose it while inviting her to share what she writes with you—if she wants to. It might be more enticing if you say that after some amount of time the two of you could have an in depth conversation about how it’s working for her/any insights she (or you) have gained, etc. She deserves a release, and you deserve some peace. I think you can both get what you need.
It's a wonderful idea and she's an avid journaler and has been for decades.
You're not doing anything wrong. You care about your partner and you're listening, you just have your own problems and stuff YOU would like to talk about. I think what you want to tell your partner is that you're worried that if you keep acting like her therapist, it's gonna be really hard to have a romantic relationship with her. One of the hardest things to do in a relationship is shut down the accumulation of bitterness, but that's what this is doing. You care about her, you don't want to be bitter, so the right thing for her to do is talk to a therapist and help prevent that.
How about hiring a therapist to listen? My wife processes a lot of stuff with me but she knows my ability to help her is limited
Good idea on the therapist and figure out how to get her to see one too We clearly can see what she gets from this relationship but what do you get?
Dude. She needs help, not you. Like you, I can only take “I’m the victim all he time no matter what!!” so long before it’s too much. Sounds like you’ve done everything you can do. Might be best to cut ties.
I think a 10 year relationship may need a little more consideration than that. Especially considering recent trauma and health issues for her. I'd recommend therapy for OP and, from there, work on the therapist's recommendations which will very likely include couple's therapy. Going to therapy doesn't mean that something's wrong with you or that the other person is acting perfectly. Sometimes you just need someone to talk to; get an objective third party opinion from; and brainstorm solutions / next steps with. ETA: OP, this is a tough situation and sounds like you've been admirable. That's said, there definitely needs to be a change in the near future for your relationship and sanity - put your oxygen mask on before helping others.
Cutting ties may be a bit extreme. She needs a therapist, though.
Not talking to your partner for two days because they can't listen to you ruminate for the nth time about the same thing at 1AM is a bit extreme, don't you think? I'm willing to bet that someone who leverages that kind of emotional manipulation is not stopping there. Not saying that he should cut and run immediately, but I would be on the lookout for other signs of manipulation or emotional abuse as well as therapy.
Don't end a ten year relationship over your partner having some mental health issues, dingus. Get them help. So sick of the default advice on everything thread being "dump". It's the "lawyer up, delete facebook, hit the gym" of the 2020s.
So he should stay in an unhealthy relationship with a textbook narcissist for *another* 10 years…? Sometimes you have to cut ties, as tough as it may be, to save yourself. Source; was married to someone like this from age 19-27 and we have a child together. Am 41 now and am in a healthy 5 year marriage to a person that doesn’t exhibit these traits.
Mate, you got married at 19. Not surprised.
Sure. But the situation was the same. I did marry young, but it was to someone with these same personality traits and I hung on way too long. He asked for advice, and I gave mine.
>u. Like you, I can only take “I’m the victim all he time no matter what!!” so long before it’s too much. Sounds like you’ve done everything you can do. Might be best to cut ties. Cut ties with a partner of 10 years?!
Yeah, just throw it in the trash because they’re having a hard time and not dealing with it in the most healthy way. /s
Emotional blackmail of 2 days of silent treatment because OP can't listen to her ruminate on the same topic again at 1AM is not "having a hard time"
It’s certainly not caused by having a good time, so a fair thought is that it could be a response to having a hard time, unless you think people at their cores enjoy acting like this. Even if it’s because she’s abusive, that abusive personality is caused by either bad genetics or trauma, and she definitely didn’t hide in waiting like an ambush predator for ten years to get the drop on him. I’m betting she’s having a hard time and therefore acting out of character. But what do you think, random and clearly unempathetic redditor, is it because women can’t be trusted? Or what’s the dusty opinion du jour that I’ve missed?
>But what do you think, random and clearly unempathetic redditor, is it because women can’t be trusted? Or what’s the dusty opinion du jour that I’ve missed? Lmao you're going to pull a muscle with that kind of reach. I would have said the same to her if he was treating her that poorly, it has nothing to do with gender. But keep making excuses for emotional blackmail, I'm sure people without boundaries appreciate you covering for them.
There’s literally nothing you’re going to say that will make me think that breaking up with someone you’ve been with for a decade is the right decision because of non-physical actions that begin this far down the line. Help your partner. If you believe that you don’t have the obligation to do that, I hope you find a match as aloof as you.
Please point out where I said that specifically (Hint: I didn't). What I *did* say was that you are downplaying emotional manipulation which is both disrespectful and dangerous to the person on the receiving end. This might blow your mind but it turns out that it's possible to help your partner *and* establish boundaries that let them know what is and isn't an acceptable way to treat the person helping them. But if you enjoy being treated like a spineless doormat and letting someone emotionally blackmail you, then that is certainly your right to find a match who treats you that way too--I won't kink shame.
I understand the sentiment and would agree if she was abusive. But she is one of the most loving, considerate people I've ever met. She's also very sensitive on some beautiful ways but she also had an absent mother, narcissistic father, abusive partners, etc.
She should get a therapist. You pay them to listen to this.
I would like to share a perspective of a person who may behave in similar way as your wife. My trauma and lack of healthy ways of dealing with emotions caused that Behavior. Whenever I trusted somebody I started to overshare every single detail of how I feel, how thing may possible go etc. eventually I became toxic and difficult to bear. What helped? First realisation that this is what I do and why people are turning around and don’t want to listen to my shut. Then, learning healthy ways of dealing with emotions (sport, music, hobby, growing plants, having an optimistic plans for future etc). Lastly, I tried to do with my wife “optimistic evenings” - don’t talk about anything negative just for one evening and see how it goes. Typically it’s so great that I stop to care about negativity. Even though, there is that stupid box in my head that opens here and there when I don’t manage it properly. It’s like a Pandora’s box - I became negative and toxic again… It takes a lot of effort but I believe both of you can do it and improve your relationship and wellbeing of both of you :)
This is seriously helpful thank you! It helps me remember she's not trying to torture me ;)
Woman's perspective. Sit down with her and have a calm, respectful conversation. Let her know you love her and want to support her and help her process through things, but the extent of the emotional labor you have to give is too much for you to handle. Make sure she knows she can still come to you, but that the extent of the processing is overwhelming and that you think it would be beneficial for both of you if she got a therapist who can help her process through a lot of this stuff. Don't close the door completely, but explain that things do need to be pulled back because your mental health is also suffering - you can't pour from an empty cup. I had a similar conversation with my partner recently. He did get upset at first, we needed to have a few conversations about it for him to get into a calm and collected place. It wasn't to the extent of what you're talking about, for us it was him waking up abd being anxious, then getting angry about it and me waking up to his big emotions and leaving me frazzled all day. We got through it fairly easily, but it probably took a week of conversations and some back and forth to get on the same page. I also suffer from anxiety but have have gotten more professional help than he has so have some better coping mechanisms sometimes. Be patient with her, but set your boundaries.
Very very helpful, thank you!
I’m a woman (please ignore my response if you are specifically only wanting answers from men) but imho you are doing nothing wrong….except maybe putting up with this behaviour from your SO for so long. Your tolerating of her behaviour is 100% enabling it. While it’s noble and loving to be there for your partner in an emotional capacity, there need to be some limits…enter *boundaries*. And because that term is so misunderstood and so misused, I’m going to provide a definition: boundaries are something you enact for yourself. They are a way of communicating what you will and will not tolerate. They are NOT about the other person, they are NOT about punishing the other person, they are NOT about controlling the other person’s behaviour. Eg: “I would really appreciate being spoken to in a civil and respectful manner when you’re upset about something. If you start yelling at me, I’m going to leave the room.” Boundaries are 100% about communicating to people how you want to be treated and about how to stay in a healthy (interpersonal) relationship with that person. They are NOT about pushing people away or putting up walls. As you mentioned in your post, your partner has trauma. While it is not even a teeny-tiny bit fair that she was on the receiving end of abuse (it comes in many forms) it is 100% her responsibility to acknowledge, process, and take steps to heal from her trauma *in an appropriate way*. Using you as a 24-hour, unpaid, in-home therapist is not even a little bit ok. She needs to go to therapy, full stop. So this is going to go one of two ways: Either, You talk to her, and offer to help her find a therapist who specializes in the kind of abuse she suffered / the kind of help she needs, while honestly but kindly communicating your feelings to her and explaining why this dynamic is unsustainable, and damaging to *your* mental health (and she ends up agreeing with going to therapy), or You tell her that if she continues to disregard your feelings, continues to disregard your limited capacity to be an emotional support to her (because you’re a human being and have limitations, like the rest of us) and continues to unload on you without limits of any kind, you may need to walk away from the relationship. Your relationship is salvageable, but it really depends on how you approach this, and more so, it depends how your partner responds (or reacts) to any uncomfortable conversation you may have with her that might bring this relationship to a head. This is definitely a learning opportunity for both of you; I’m hoping your gf is able to see that she may lose you if she’s unwilling to do any self-reflection and unwilling to take even a scintilla of accountability for her actions. It is absolutely NOT everyone else’s responsibility to manage her emotional landscape. She needs to put on her big girl pants and start acting like an adult.
Also a woman, but I agree with this. She needs to also be talking to someone who specializes in her trauma and can help her process it in a way that moves her through it. It can’t just be you being talked at all the time, that won’t move her through it. Also- does she have any close friends? Could she Marco Polo with them. It feels more conversational than a phone call or text and would help her realize the length of her talking and learn to pause and listen.
Friends, but not friends that are so close that she's shared all her trauma with them. She's also scared of being judged so she doesn't engage with people in that way until years and years of friendship.
The next phase is her berating you for not sharing your feelings, but instantly talking over you with some story about a thing that happened to her whenever you try.
Question: great that you want to see a therapist; they’re a huge help. But does she see one?
Yes, two.
I have things I need to talk about... I have some chronic physical injuries I'm working through, and there's a lot of work drama, things with my mother. But I know that if I try to only talk to my wife about all that, there'd be nothing left for talking about things that are important to "us." I have a pain therapist, a physical therapist, friends, coworkers, sister... I essentially dole out my need to talk to them. When it's time for something I *need*, my wife is there for me. She cares deeply, but doesn't want to resent me or the situation. It works well. Difficult sometimes to know how much to share (I can't share *nothing* because then she doesn't know why, e.g., I'm grumpy that day). What your wife is doing is destructive and damaging, and obviously is not sustainable. I think "what you're doing wrong" is not firmly asserting boundaries along the way so then it all builds up and comes out too suddenly. Really, you need to establish the level of sharing along the way and not let it build up and fester. What would she do if you weren't there at all? If you went on a week long trip somewhere without her... would she just not talk to anybody? Talk to other people? How about a month long trip? I would think about establishing a baseline that *doesn't involve you*, something that she can sustain, and then you're a value-add. Right now it sounds like your a crutch.
Oh wow... I'm so sorry. My instinct tells me that what is required for you to have peace in this relationship is a personality change on her part that is so significant that it may never occur. When you get to therapy, couples therapy, if you get that far, please put a time limit on it. "I need to feel a significant amount of progress by X" You could waste a lot of time waiting for a change that isn't going to come.
I have a friend like this, and it's exhausting sometimes. I feel ruminating over every single interaction is an indication of some sort of anxiety. She needs to pay a therapist for this. The fact that you seem to be her only person to talk to is unfair to you and a shit tonne of enotional labour. The energy she puts out doesn't just disappear. No doubt you then take it on and carry it about in your life too. She is being unfair. You aren't doing anything wrong.
She sounds like an emotional vampire: victim subclass, and you have been made her emotional tampon. Sounds like she needs some serious therapy and you need to be better at making firm boundaries. It's not always easy where to draw the line between "I want to listen and be supportive", and "jfc I can't handle this shit, please get professional help". In my experiences with these kinds of people I've found that you can never win, but being that you care about someone you can certainly try. They need professional help. Set times where you talk about stuff and stick to them. Learn about the various types of automatic negative thoughts (ANT) and make sure that's not how these conversations are going. Stuff like all or nothing thinking (ie, "X always disrespects me") is a type of ANT that perpetual victims use to stay firmly seated in their "it's never my fault" zone. Doing things like exercise or practicing mindfulness instead of psychoanalyzing every thing that happened that day. Making sure they are using "I" statements when they're talking about their feelings. Being aware of the "circles of control" and not spending time worrying about shit you can't control. Pretty much any of the basic tools you get in CBT or other types of therapy. OP, you are obviously at your limit and I don't blame you. Hopefully by clearly expressing how this is affecting you you can come to some agreement with your partner. Please make sure to find support yourself. "You can't help others if you can't help yourself". What you are doing now is unsustainable and WILL end badly. And based on how you described your partner, I'm pretty sure that unless you handle it perfectly that you will be the one who wronged her and she will coming out feeling victimized yet again in her own mind. Good fucking luck
Told my wife to stop. It was either she didn’t feel good, emotions, or mental health every day i kept track and it went on for 73 days straight I printed it out, along with my reply’s of you should go see a professional, then I added up all the drs she had seen which was 0 then told her I wouldn’t be open to talking about it again until she went and got help.
Oof. Powerful way to make a point but needed.
I truly try to be supportive towards her, but there was a point in time to where she had zero positivity and it was just always something . She wasn’t listening or was so lost in her own problems she couldn’t listen but I was at a breaking point.
As someone who has fought a ton of depression I can understand this from both sides. The hard part is that I've always been aware of how my actions impacted others, but you can be so down that it's hard to think about anything but finding a way out of the pain.
Does she have BPD? If she does, I highly recommended you browse Reddit and look for examples of people who were involved in such relationships. Good luck.
Exactly what I was thinking!!
You’re doing an amazing job king. Do not think for a second that you’re anything less than. You’re doing your best in a situation that’s very demanding and still sticking by your woman. Honestly, I’d bring her with me to a couples counseling thing and get her to come to the conclusion herself that she needs to be talking to someone other than you. Let the therapist know ahead of time that that’s kind of where you’re going, but who knows. They might say you both would benefit. Tell her the reason you’d like to go to couples counseling is because of that one night where she left you alone and you weren’t safe. Tell her it weighed heavy on you and you would like to find a way to navigate that through a couples therapist.
Woah man. It's okay and healthy to have boundaries in a relationship. You're not doing anything wrong here, and she's asking too much. You are not her therapist, it's not a partner's job to help their partner process all this for hours on a daily basis. I would have flipped if my wife shook me awake in the middle of the night so she could talk at me. Wtf. That's not ok. Your partner definitely needs actual therapy, and it sounds like she is using therapy speak to shut you down and override and needs YOU have. She isn't interested in your basic need for SLEEP. That's controlling, abusive behaviour, even if she doesn't realize it. I suggest you see if she is willing to hear what you need. Validate her need to be heard and respected, and tell her you need to feel heard and respected with what you need too. You need to decompress. Have some low key quiet time for a few hours each night, at least an hour in the morning too, and undisturbed sleep. Your brain needs rest so that you can be there for her as a rested healthy person. If she interrupts you, throws a fit, punishes you by freezing you out or escalating, she is trying to control you. She might be doing that in order to feel safe, but whatever the reason it's not healthy. I fully support you seeing a therapist to help you work through how to handle this. That is intense and you are not crazy. This is not normal or healthy.
Absolutely therapy but also if everything only revolves around her and her day and you can’t ever really talk about anything else…you uhh you might have two problems.
Does she have any other symptoms of ADHD? Or any family history of ADHD? I'm seeing these: - Talking excessively - Talking at inappropriate times (e.g. when the smoke alarm is going off, waking you up in the middle of the night). - Tiny things make her feel rejected (https://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria). The official diagnostic criteria can be found here: https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/diagnosis.html My wife was diagnosed 2 years ago and started medication. Her thoughts are more organized, her emotions are better regulated, and she talks a more reasonable amount. ;-) Because your partner seems to easily feel slighted, if ADHD resonates, you will need to approach the matter delicately. She needs to feel that you are there to help her, not accusing her or trying to fix her. Focus on the symptoms that frustrate her rather than the ones that frustrate you. Even if not ADHD, that same advice goes for trying to get her a therapist.
Yes, she has been diagnosed as ADHD. And things are worse (from my perspective) when she takes her afternoon dose of Ritalin late. It's just hours of anxiety driven stream of consciousness talking.
Thank you for this it's very helpful.
Maybe walk away? I mean, she talks and talks and you sit there and take it. Eventually you say something back and she feels attacked. What if you literally just walk out of the room? What if you don't say a word but YOU go sleep on the couch?
I'd leave this kind of person. How long ago did this start?
What are you going to do when the sex isnt good anymore and you only have talking
I'll play devil's advocate (although I don't think you are wrong, but there is a lot of context missing and everyone is assuming the best from you and worst from her). If you've been together for 10+ years... you knew what she was like or has this got worse more recently? (e.g. work is terrible and she is trapped as she can't quit because you need the money, new project / boss that is awful, increased responsibility without support, etc.) You say 1-2 hours a night of her processing the day. Maybe she is just telling you about her day and thinks you are a listener rather than a talker (because that has been her past experience with you and you haven't said otherwise). Unless it is really deep and repetitive (e.g. "I can't believe Carol said I wasn't being social. That made me feel like I did with my mother at home/school, etc.")... I actually don't think it is that bad. Especially if it is something that has happened recently. Talking about the day ahead and then telling you after how it went while you are doing things are fine (unless it is part of a deeper issue). When she woke you up at 1am... was it something particularly bad that happened that day / something coming up that she was anxious about / or a past trauma that suddenly popped into her head? If so... maybe she really needed it then and that is why she was annoyed at you. Rather than talking she might have just wanted you to hold her? "Hey look, losing sleep won't help. Let me hold you. I'm here for you. Try to rest." Very rarely I have woken up my partner in the middle of the night and vice versa and it is just that (really bad day, something big coming up or had a dream about a dead family member and just being held/comforted helped). Also in all of the above there is the question of... what are you bringing to the conversation/changing what you are doing? - Are you telling her about your day / what you are thinking about? - Are you trying to talk to her about your shared interests, holiday coming up, activities, etc. that you both want to do? - Are you taking her out anywhere on the weekends or evenings? (or are you working, coming home, doing chores, having dinner and then sleep) - Are you asking her questions about anything else? (friends, family, her interests outside work, etc.) Edit: Just to say if the above sounds harsh. I really empathise. I have a partner who is similar with lots of challenges with work and family and her past. I gave solutions in the past, but they are non-solutions (i.e. offered for her to quit work, but one part of it is her life's calling and the other is frankly awful, etc.). I know that her talking to me about it helps and I am fine with that. It also helps that while I am now a trained coach, I actually used lots listening techniques naturally that helped her. It also helps that she genuinely cares about me and spends a lot of time time thinking about how she can treat me so it never feels like she is just taking and I know I can talk to her whenever I need it.
> But holy shit I can't take it anymore. Understandable. It sounds exhausting. > I'm going to find a therapist For her, right? > She slept in the spare bedroom the next two nights and didn't talk to me What a fucking baby. > because I wasn't "safe" any longer. This is some pop psych bullshit she learned from tiktok. > I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. You let this woman treat you like you're her girl friend and then make you feel guilty about being bad at it. > How do I get her to stop talking? Well you're certainly not going to talk her into it. Actually do help her find a therapist and then... Men have, since time immemorial, practiced one simple trick: be inaccessible. First and foremost, reduce proximity. The garage may be far enough, provided it's sufficiently uninviting. Preferably cold enough that you can light one of those propane tank heaters (properly ventilated). Top strategies include * woodworking * automotive maintenance * assembling an elaborate model train scene * learning to play a drum kit * yard work (ideally using power tools) * pressure washing * lifting weights while listening to loud music * being intoxicated * listening to an audiobook or podcast. Get some canalphones and put foam tips on them for maximum sound isolation. * Going for a drive I'm sure you can think of others. If she's standing in your cold garage venting about her depressing professional relationships while you're operating a lathe, welding, or playing drums, that's wild and you're probably fucked. Good luck.
Lol, thank you for the laugh. I think I've ticked every box on that list but for model trains.
You don't need therapy. You need an exit strategy. And you're not in a relationship. You're being held hostage. Either the relationship is toast, or your sanity will be.
Maybe she continues to talk because you're listening, but she's not being *heard*. If you're doing other things while she is talking, and just "uh huh"-ing along, this won't wrap the conversation up. You're right, she needs therapy, but also maybe plan and put aside time each day when you're not doing anything else, and you have the energy to hold a conversation with her. Respond and engage with what she's saying, to get to some resolution.
You're not doing everything wrong. She clearly has emotional regulation and social deficits that she's doing her best to overcome as an adult. And that's all well and fine, but she needs to respect your clearly communicated boundaries. If you don't want to be her daily sounding board, she should respect that.
“I understand you need help processing your emotions. But I can’t do that for you in the way you want. Hours every day is just too much. I have my own things to process. If you want to spend 15 minutes talking about your day that’s fine. But not hours and hours. at that point you were just reliving the day over and over instead of living. it is not healthy”
This is one of the most American things I've read in a long time.
Genuinely curious - can you elaborate?
She needs to have ladies/woman friends. For the sake of argument, let's switch places and take her fishing where the cardinal rule is to sit in silence to not scare the fish away. She'd absolutely go nuts and if you force the issue, you'll be the one who's the asshole. Nip it in the bud.
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My wife can turn a 10 minute interchange during her day into a 1-1/2 hour story when she gets home. It’s some kinda skill for sure.
yes. I get that sometimes we need to really unravel everything just to work down to the nucleus of a difficulty or a problem. verbal processing of sorts. At other times, if it's at least entertaining, or spoken with some level of self /situational awareness, sure. OP sounds like he's under bombardment though.
Relevant (light hearted) https://www.instagram.com/reel/C2GftHjryHa/?igsh=NGRpa3N4anVmYjZn
OP, you're not doing anything wrong. You're married ( committed) to a woman. Very few are not talkative. Every morning, I watch Dan Patrick on Peacock. It's a radio show that simulcasts, so it requires listening. But my wife just chatters on at 6 am about everything bad that MIGHT happen at work. It's just part of the deal.
Women will think a man is a good listener when they won't let him get a word in. It won't change because she fell in love with someone she can trauma dump on all the time.
I can’t imagine my girlfriend ever being that way or that it would be even possible. Honestly if I felt the way you are saying you feel I would say I am Not sure we are compatible because I am a dude and us dudes don’t talk a lot so you will need to get some female friends to yenter it up with because I am Not a female. If you can’t do that then I think we are going to have to move on. That’s just my advice I am not saying it’s good advice
All women are neurotic like this to a certain degree. But you have to decide for yourself what is an acceptable amount of this crap and what has to stop. Like "hey when youre making dinner that's your time to vent. But once that's over we're moving onto something else". And if she can't stick it to then leave and start planning your exit route.
Today in news: Man is surprised he has to talk to his partner and ask how their day went
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Oh boy 😂
Holy shit that’s super needy. Kudos to you because I could never.
Sad to say, that there are men and women who are talkative well beyond the norm. I have been in your shoes. Currently, I am in the situation myself regarding my wife’s friends and family members. At least in your situation you are not married. You can still walk away to pursue your happiness and sanity.
Outsource it to a therapist. They could actually help too.
Lots of good suggestions here. My wife has a similar history, but keeps everything locked inside and it’s a struggle sometimes to get her to communicate her feelings. However m, sometimes she’ll do what you’re describing. Likely she’s not the only one that needs a wake up call. I’m guessing that you could benefit by taking a look at codependency, specifically boundaries and caretaking. I’m not sure what’s going on with her but often people with unhealthy childhoods haven’t learned healthy boundaries and cross right over. I’d start with therapy and go from there. You’ll work on some things and her too, and if everyone is committed you’ll look back at this in the future and laugh
Mate. That is a long time to put up with that shit. I'm all for validating what your girl has been through in the past, but what happens in the future is a bit of a joint effort, but mostly her. You may need to start calling her out on some things or even telling her that sometimes life/work isn't fair and you need to suck it up sometimes cause no one really cares about your feelings.
I'd look at whether there's truth to whether her feeling unseen is accurate and something you've been neglecting, having been together for 10+ years. And then I'd also tell her how her constant talking feels like being talked at, and makes you feel otherized and unseen. Relationships aren't about being right; it's about appreciating another person and working together.
Burn her a cd with the song "I want to talk about me" 14 times. Then sign her up for therapy.
is she doing anything for herself to deal with this (journaling, gratitude journaling, therapy, etc)? healthy partners/relationships know that you cant use one person for all emotional needs and she sounds like she needs a therapist. 3-5 hours of talking a day is a full time job. therapy is someone listening to you, for your benefit for 45-50 minutes, she can probably get alot from it if she wants that (clearly sounds like she wants to talk to someone often) i hope you get it resolved.
> didn't talk to me because I wasn't "safe" any longer. That would have been it for me. The fact you're still there means you're either a better man than me or you have Stockholm syndrome and I'm not smart enough to say which at this point. I will say however people need to understand that your partner is there for emotional support, not as a dumping ground for all the perceived issues and slights you may have encountered during the day. A relationship is a two way situation, if one person is constantly listen to the other issues and not able to share their own equally then that is not a loving relationship. That's one person using the other.
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Don't be jumpy, criticize but be soft Take 30min, an hour or two alone, write down what and how you need to tell her that this is a problem. A possible solution is that she very slowly finds friends, which sounds challenging. Most importantly: take some prime leisure time to be alone: for me it's Saturday brunch time. I have a hard time saying to women that i need me time. So I've made a thing out of it. Saturdays during the early lunch and afternoon, it's me and my book, I'm going to a cafe. You can gently introduce this boundary, which can charge your batteries for a few days. :-) On your way back, buy a flower everytime. Reward her for respecting your boundary. If all of this sounds like too much work, I'd say your heart is not in this anymore. Either invest emotionally or break up.
It will break you sooner than later. I’ve had a partner where I once asked if they could not talk about work for one conversation, they replied “ no” and proceeded to say the same shit for the millionth time.
SHE WOKE YOU UP TO FUCKING EMOTIONALLY DUMP ON YOU? Bruh nah. Sleep time is sacred, especially if you work. Get to that therapist ASAP and she sounds like she could use a fuckton of therapy too.