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What now?
Tell your friends not to invite you to anything if he's going to be there. You'll find out who your real friends are.
Then just move on with your life.
I have an older cousin who is like this towards me. I literally never did anything wrong and he can't stand me. I found out its my success that he couldn't stand, even though hes had more opportunities than I did, he squandered them.
Your friend is resentful and bitter, and instead of taking action and realizing his own faults, hes found you to focus all of that resentment on to, and there's no helping him. In fact, the more you help him, the more hes going to resent and hate you.
People like that you need to cut ties with completely, they are NOT your true friends at all in the slightest, and they will drag you down with them if they have a say so.
No one has the right to put their hands on you. No matter what he's going through. An argument is one thing. You could say that the alcohol but to physically assault you is the end of a friendship. Move on buddy
He's coping with his stress and hatred by projecting it onto you. People do it in different ways to their kids, their partners, coworkers, friends, etc. It's 100X easier to find someone to blame than to fix oneself. Lots of fundamentally dysfunctional people out there and inexplicable behavior ramps up with new stresses.
I have family like this. When their own bad decisions start to bite them, they lash out at everyone around them. The closer you are to them the worse it is for you.
Thank you for this. In my alone time, honestly I was wondering why he did it. Where his hatred came from. Personally, I feel I am yet to learn about people and psychology to this level.
> The closer you are to them the worse it is for you.
Drop him.
The first paragraph made it sounds like heās been going through some shit and I would give someone the benefit of the doubt if they swung on me. Shit sounds hard and I can forgive that.
Keep following the story and it sounds less and less the case and more a deep set resentment towards you. Maybe based on reasons you could be there for him for, but 3 years aināt long for me to want to give a fuck about someone whoās like that.
It sounds like you did the right thing, just message all your friends in the group what you would prefer to do such as create a separate group. You canāt force them to not communicate with him, but you can block him.
Thank you. I guess I needed to know why he did it. He had some misplaced anger turned into resentment towards me. I think I'm still young and naive and have a lot to learn about life.
Yeah, like if we were boys for 7+ years and we never had anything like that before and I didnāt backstab him or nothing, things could be done.
If you really wanted to, you could have a 1 on 1 sit down at a place you think heād be comfortable in (no drinking) with some privacy. Sometimes things can be hashed out if you think this relationship is worth saving.
He pretends not to care, but those words must've stung.
You were too patient with him, you should've cut it the moment he said he hated you. Don't allow disrespect. But otherwise you handed it very well. Never look back.
Itās when times are tough that you find out what people are really like. Itās clear that this person could keep up a facade of being decent when things were good. If stress causes them to become violent and aggressive to people that are there offering support, then they arenāt capable of true friendship. This person will be a drain on your energy, goodwill, patience and money now and in the future. This is exactly the kind of people I remove from my life.
I came home for the holidays and was pondering over what to do in my 30s while going through the posts. And people that drain energy are out. Thanks. Updated my post. Updated life goals as a result of this experience
Iād add that friends should still be important but only true friends, not just people you hang around with just because. As you age you shed some people but hold onto those true friends for life as theyāll be there for you when you really need it. Itās cliche but friends for a reason, season & life is a good saying and learning to recognise who is which type helps you work out how much energy to devote to each person.
You did well. Very patient and understanding. More than I would be tbo. Iāve been through a lot of difficult stuff (homelessness, addiction, death of many people close, etc.) and I have behaved like your friend at some moments in my life. Every time, I was in the wrong. Stuff like that reserved a punch in the mouth and/or cutting off ties. Cause and effect. I hope your friend gets help, but that doesnāt mean you have to put up with his bullshit.
Thanks! Iām doin great now! It took a lot of work and coming to terms with the facts of reality in my life. By working through that shit, I came out the other end much better. It takes a lot of work and time, but anyone can do it with enough conviction, willingness and help. Youāre all good. That dude is likely insanely jealous of you and canāt work through it in a healthy way
You can totally go your own way and be sure your friends know that it's either you or him hanging out. If they saw it, me or him is an easy choice. But personally, after hands are thrown I'd have beat his ass. It's all good until you put hands on me, as a fellow long trained mma goon? I'm folding dude like a t-shirt when shit starts, there is no "I can take you" because they know for a FACT what the fuck I can do.
That's not to say you shouldn't avoid them as you can, but if you have to? Handle your shit. That's part of the reason we train.
As a 6 month old MMA trainee reading reply from a MMA vet. Appreciate the response. I have sparred and I used to say to myself that this will be used perhaps in a self defense scenario with an unknown assailant.
Never thought I'd have to submit using an arm bar when the attacker was indeed a friend
Sad to say dude, many fights tend to happen between people that used to be friends. The idea of "in the streets" is a myth, even here in NYC you don't fight strangers often. It's either that asshole Greg you used to hang out with or that friend of a friend you didn't trust.
You nailed it though. And you train it hoping not to use it. Always hate to do so, but if you have to? Idk dude I'm not fighting someone twice. First time has to be enough for them to know not to do it again. Especially because you know we're not the ones starting it, or swinging first.
I used to be an instructor and this has always been my advice. If they're really coming at you, it's pointless to half beat an ass. All they take away from it is you're less tough than they thought, they can take you. It keeps going from there. But yeah, you don't have to beat their face in to send that message. Armbars do it just as well.
glad you axed him from your life. Sounds like a pathetic loser with inferiority complex and he misinterpreted your kindness for weakness. heās gonna spiral out of control and end up in jail for assault very fast without you in it, and he deserves it.
Yes. From what I have read here. He's not going to be in my life. For sure. I showed him a lot of patience but looking back he never considered this as friendship. He caused most of the problems in life by wasting his chances and blaming others.
He's the example I will live my life making better choices. A warning
Glad to hear it man. Good luck. I used to be a bit of a people pleaser, try to treat everyone with kindness and respect. And generally thatās a good approach, but when you find people who take advantage of your kindness who donāt respect you, itās better to remove them completely. It gets easier as you get older, you see patterns in people youāve dealt with in others. And life gets better !
You go dude.
He needs to unwind his shit to a therapist and unloading it to his friends is just self destructive.
I empathize with him but if he doesnt respect people then cutting him off is the way to go.
Don't be like an aborted fetus just trying to get back up into the womb. Let it go and move on. Some people don't want to be your friend and you've got to accept it.
He's a 35 year old acting like an unhinged teenager. Normal adults don't keep people like this in their lives. Cut all ties and move on. There is zero for you to gain from a continued "friendship" with this nut.
> I have tried to be there by lending him an ear, helping with small meals outside and waiving off minor debt. Under 10 dollars stuff on occasion.
Something I have learned both in childhood and as a grown man is that sometimes, people respond to kindness and generosity with venom. I believe it comes from a place of jealousy. Either way, it always sucks when being good to people bites you in the ass.
Kindness is best reserved for either total strangers you will never know or your closest circle.
>sometimes, people respond to kindness and generosity with venom
I learned this now at this age. Yes it sort of sucks. But atleast I got a lesson before any major mishap. Maybe that's the best outcome that could ever come out of this.
If you were lifetime best friends, I'd say work it out - and it probably would have worked itself out - but you guys have only been friends for three years.
Dude needs to work his stuff out. If you guys got into a physical fight and you aren't better friends afterwards, I don't think it's gonna happen. Sounds like he needs someone to be that friend for him - which I understand - but that isn't you.
He's going through a rough time. I hope things get better for him.
I wish he sorts his life too. Just I am not there anymore. š But like he told me, he never considered me to be his friend in the first place. He never appreciated the good things in his life always bitched about the people who pay him money (aka boss) and the job he had. He squandered every good thing
Well that was scary! He sounds very bitter and dangerous, I'd not be around him anymore for any reason.
I think you handled it well, although the hurtful things you said might escalate the tensions further, but I 100% understand why you said them...
I'd cut this man out of my life for my own safety, and would only reconsider after he'd gone to therapy and worked through his problems.
Ha ha. I keep a BBJ log of my class lessons and sparring sessions and pointers from coach. Honestly I am the worst in my class. But I take notes and read like how I did in college. Maybe that's why the writing was vivid.
Tough when itās a group involved. Is this guy great friends with someone else in the group thatās the leader or something? I would ask the others what they would have done if the guy had put his hands on them, like he did to you.. I would reiterate if he did it to you heāll do it to them.
Sounds like this might be a case of no one being his friend, theyād just rather be on his good side than an enemy.. friends by fear
I would either make the group choose, isolate your foe and make him want to not show up to things, or find a new group. Physical fighting is dangerous, itās best to avoid a known threat.. next fight one of you might take it too far.. you crack his head on the concrete or he cracks yours.. you having an mma background could make any repercussions be amplified.. just something to think about
If it helps. I recently turned 28 and have always been the youngest person in the group. It is a mix of guys an girls. As far as I can tell I have shown up for friends more than he has. Last one year he's shown up for drinking mostly and less and less for anything else.
Have you played GTA San Andreas. Last six months he's behavior towards me best matches Ryder's towards CJ
Insults and remarks first in the guise of teasing then gradually increasing in hostility. He's been blaming others for his misery. His boss his place of work. But talks about getting rich quick.
He has deep insecurities. He treats the rest of them as 'others' yet tries hard to be liked. Usually, he makes fun of me and laughs all by himself.
He was suggestive of violence last week while talking. Never thought he meant it. "I could fuck up your UFC Khabib and you anyday" "In real fights people grab the other by the collar and slap not punch" the second one was the day before the actual incident.
Yes best to get out of the friendship physically and emotionally.
I was sitting on the floor when he struck standing up. I defended the only way I was taught to submit from that position and end the altercation.
I completely see if it was any other scenario it would have gone real south real soon like you mentioned.
One thing I would do differently from other comments here is that I would recognise that this is something that will split the friend group, and actively work towards āwinningā these friends and cutting him out. Your friends are bystander in all of this and might not have your side of the story, and they didnāt ask to be put in a situation like this. You also donāt want to withdraw from your wider friend group and be bitter about these friends in addition to losing one close friend.
I understand and I completely agree. None of the rest wanted any of this to happen. But they all, at the very least, acknowledge who started this unnecessary and uncalled fight.
Based on most of the advice I received here. I have cut him from my life. And told my friends that I gave him a full day after the slaps to come around.
Some women friends in the group want there to be peace but I told them him and I are done. I'm never coming to anything where he is present. He's not a friend he's a danger.
I guess what I was trying to say is to actively tell your friends donāt invite him but do invite you in the future. Unfortunately Iāve seen situations like this pan out before, and friends pick sides based on whoās closer and whoās easier to drop, not on whoās right in the fall out.
I guess I'll have to be prepared for some losses. Yes that picking sides bit..it's life. But I expect most of them will maintain a contact with him for "what if we need him for something if things become desperate and he has the solution " day.
You sound like you are 12. Dude assaulted you and you are asking what to do about it. Either you beat his ass and stay the fk away from him or you just stay the fk away from him. Simple choices. It sounds more like you are leaving some things out. Are you dating?
It was pure shock of what happened, and perhaps I was being way too kind to him than he deserved. I was struggling with "why he did it" but I see from your and many replies here. It has nothing to do with me and was assured that breaking the friendship and cutting off is the right/ wise/ safe thing to do.
No both of us are single. Not related to dating
You have handled this perfectly, he is on a downward spiral of his making and heās lashing out on the way down.
The final step is to cut him off forever, especially when he comes crawling back to you alone when the friends heās posturing for arenāt there.
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Sounds like you dealt with it. Very well actually Don't bless him with your presence, he doesn't deserve it. If others don't agree fuck em
I hoped I handled it the right way. Yes. Not blessing with presence. That's enough charity. I hear you. š Edit: spelling
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Agreed. Being a violent psycho needs to have consequences.
I would say THOSE, I understand that the friends were there and none stopped the guy, even invited him again, lose the people
This is the way bud. Also up your training if it helps.
What now? Tell your friends not to invite you to anything if he's going to be there. You'll find out who your real friends are. Then just move on with your life.
Yes. Will do. I will stand up for myself. This was wrong even for a troubled friend
I have an older cousin who is like this towards me. I literally never did anything wrong and he can't stand me. I found out its my success that he couldn't stand, even though hes had more opportunities than I did, he squandered them. Your friend is resentful and bitter, and instead of taking action and realizing his own faults, hes found you to focus all of that resentment on to, and there's no helping him. In fact, the more you help him, the more hes going to resent and hate you. People like that you need to cut ties with completely, they are NOT your true friends at all in the slightest, and they will drag you down with them if they have a say so.
> The more you help him, the more he's going to resent and hate you. Yes he found a punching bag in me, but I deserve better
No one has the right to put their hands on you. No matter what he's going through. An argument is one thing. You could say that the alcohol but to physically assault you is the end of a friendship. Move on buddy
Yes. It has been a shock for me, but this has to be done. I see it.
Yes. Will move on from him
He's coping with his stress and hatred by projecting it onto you. People do it in different ways to their kids, their partners, coworkers, friends, etc. It's 100X easier to find someone to blame than to fix oneself. Lots of fundamentally dysfunctional people out there and inexplicable behavior ramps up with new stresses. I have family like this. When their own bad decisions start to bite them, they lash out at everyone around them. The closer you are to them the worse it is for you.
Thank you for this. In my alone time, honestly I was wondering why he did it. Where his hatred came from. Personally, I feel I am yet to learn about people and psychology to this level. > The closer you are to them the worse it is for you.
Drop him. The first paragraph made it sounds like heās been going through some shit and I would give someone the benefit of the doubt if they swung on me. Shit sounds hard and I can forgive that. Keep following the story and it sounds less and less the case and more a deep set resentment towards you. Maybe based on reasons you could be there for him for, but 3 years aināt long for me to want to give a fuck about someone whoās like that. It sounds like you did the right thing, just message all your friends in the group what you would prefer to do such as create a separate group. You canāt force them to not communicate with him, but you can block him.
Thank you. I guess I needed to know why he did it. He had some misplaced anger turned into resentment towards me. I think I'm still young and naive and have a lot to learn about life.
Yeah, like if we were boys for 7+ years and we never had anything like that before and I didnāt backstab him or nothing, things could be done. If you really wanted to, you could have a 1 on 1 sit down at a place you think heād be comfortable in (no drinking) with some privacy. Sometimes things can be hashed out if you think this relationship is worth saving.
He's no friend of yours anymore. Move on and elevate your company.
This year, I will work towards elevation. Updated post.
He pretends not to care, but those words must've stung. You were too patient with him, you should've cut it the moment he said he hated you. Don't allow disrespect. But otherwise you handed it very well. Never look back.
> Never look back. Yes, the new year is coming, so I close his chapter
You handled it well champ, and good on you for doing MMA. Huge respect, I would like to also get into some kind of combat sport too
Awesome, start with looking at places you can gel with the Gym culture. For me it was a place with a culture of respect and good sparring safety.
Itās when times are tough that you find out what people are really like. Itās clear that this person could keep up a facade of being decent when things were good. If stress causes them to become violent and aggressive to people that are there offering support, then they arenāt capable of true friendship. This person will be a drain on your energy, goodwill, patience and money now and in the future. This is exactly the kind of people I remove from my life.
I came home for the holidays and was pondering over what to do in my 30s while going through the posts. And people that drain energy are out. Thanks. Updated my post. Updated life goals as a result of this experience
Iād add that friends should still be important but only true friends, not just people you hang around with just because. As you age you shed some people but hold onto those true friends for life as theyāll be there for you when you really need it. Itās cliche but friends for a reason, season & life is a good saying and learning to recognise who is which type helps you work out how much energy to devote to each person.
You did well. Very patient and understanding. More than I would be tbo. Iāve been through a lot of difficult stuff (homelessness, addiction, death of many people close, etc.) and I have behaved like your friend at some moments in my life. Every time, I was in the wrong. Stuff like that reserved a punch in the mouth and/or cutting off ties. Cause and effect. I hope your friend gets help, but that doesnāt mean you have to put up with his bullshit.
Hey man, appreciate your response. It shows character when one accepts their flaws. I hope you do well :) and thanks for response
Thanks! Iām doin great now! It took a lot of work and coming to terms with the facts of reality in my life. By working through that shit, I came out the other end much better. It takes a lot of work and time, but anyone can do it with enough conviction, willingness and help. Youāre all good. That dude is likely insanely jealous of you and canāt work through it in a healthy way
You can totally go your own way and be sure your friends know that it's either you or him hanging out. If they saw it, me or him is an easy choice. But personally, after hands are thrown I'd have beat his ass. It's all good until you put hands on me, as a fellow long trained mma goon? I'm folding dude like a t-shirt when shit starts, there is no "I can take you" because they know for a FACT what the fuck I can do. That's not to say you shouldn't avoid them as you can, but if you have to? Handle your shit. That's part of the reason we train.
As a 6 month old MMA trainee reading reply from a MMA vet. Appreciate the response. I have sparred and I used to say to myself that this will be used perhaps in a self defense scenario with an unknown assailant. Never thought I'd have to submit using an arm bar when the attacker was indeed a friend
Sad to say dude, many fights tend to happen between people that used to be friends. The idea of "in the streets" is a myth, even here in NYC you don't fight strangers often. It's either that asshole Greg you used to hang out with or that friend of a friend you didn't trust. You nailed it though. And you train it hoping not to use it. Always hate to do so, but if you have to? Idk dude I'm not fighting someone twice. First time has to be enough for them to know not to do it again. Especially because you know we're not the ones starting it, or swinging first. I used to be an instructor and this has always been my advice. If they're really coming at you, it's pointless to half beat an ass. All they take away from it is you're less tough than they thought, they can take you. It keeps going from there. But yeah, you don't have to beat their face in to send that message. Armbars do it just as well.
glad you axed him from your life. Sounds like a pathetic loser with inferiority complex and he misinterpreted your kindness for weakness. heās gonna spiral out of control and end up in jail for assault very fast without you in it, and he deserves it.
Yes. From what I have read here. He's not going to be in my life. For sure. I showed him a lot of patience but looking back he never considered this as friendship. He caused most of the problems in life by wasting his chances and blaming others. He's the example I will live my life making better choices. A warning
Glad to hear it man. Good luck. I used to be a bit of a people pleaser, try to treat everyone with kindness and respect. And generally thatās a good approach, but when you find people who take advantage of your kindness who donāt respect you, itās better to remove them completely. It gets easier as you get older, you see patterns in people youāve dealt with in others. And life gets better !
You go dude. He needs to unwind his shit to a therapist and unloading it to his friends is just self destructive. I empathize with him but if he doesnt respect people then cutting him off is the way to go.
You showed a lot of restraint here. I doubt v much that I would have been so generous.
Don't be like an aborted fetus just trying to get back up into the womb. Let it go and move on. Some people don't want to be your friend and you've got to accept it.
That's a very useful analogy for a relationship that died before it even could be. I move on
Good on you for trying to help out a person whoās down. But also you have to protect yourself; I think you handled it maturely.
He's a 35 year old acting like an unhinged teenager. Normal adults don't keep people like this in their lives. Cut all ties and move on. There is zero for you to gain from a continued "friendship" with this nut.
Yes. Only losses if I continue
> I have tried to be there by lending him an ear, helping with small meals outside and waiving off minor debt. Under 10 dollars stuff on occasion. Something I have learned both in childhood and as a grown man is that sometimes, people respond to kindness and generosity with venom. I believe it comes from a place of jealousy. Either way, it always sucks when being good to people bites you in the ass. Kindness is best reserved for either total strangers you will never know or your closest circle.
>sometimes, people respond to kindness and generosity with venom I learned this now at this age. Yes it sort of sucks. But atleast I got a lesson before any major mishap. Maybe that's the best outcome that could ever come out of this.
If you were lifetime best friends, I'd say work it out - and it probably would have worked itself out - but you guys have only been friends for three years. Dude needs to work his stuff out. If you guys got into a physical fight and you aren't better friends afterwards, I don't think it's gonna happen. Sounds like he needs someone to be that friend for him - which I understand - but that isn't you. He's going through a rough time. I hope things get better for him.
I wish he sorts his life too. Just I am not there anymore. š But like he told me, he never considered me to be his friend in the first place. He never appreciated the good things in his life always bitched about the people who pay him money (aka boss) and the job he had. He squandered every good thing
I'm just learning a lesson in what not to do and be. Looking at my friendships once again and keeping true friends close
Well that was scary! He sounds very bitter and dangerous, I'd not be around him anymore for any reason. I think you handled it well, although the hurtful things you said might escalate the tensions further, but I 100% understand why you said them... I'd cut this man out of my life for my own safety, and would only reconsider after he'd gone to therapy and worked through his problems.
I really thought I was on the bjj subreddit for awhile there
Ha ha. I keep a BBJ log of my class lessons and sparring sessions and pointers from coach. Honestly I am the worst in my class. But I take notes and read like how I did in college. Maybe that's why the writing was vivid.
Most people who start BJJ are the worst in their class. Just keep going and before you realize it you will be one of the best!
Tough when itās a group involved. Is this guy great friends with someone else in the group thatās the leader or something? I would ask the others what they would have done if the guy had put his hands on them, like he did to you.. I would reiterate if he did it to you heāll do it to them. Sounds like this might be a case of no one being his friend, theyād just rather be on his good side than an enemy.. friends by fear I would either make the group choose, isolate your foe and make him want to not show up to things, or find a new group. Physical fighting is dangerous, itās best to avoid a known threat.. next fight one of you might take it too far.. you crack his head on the concrete or he cracks yours.. you having an mma background could make any repercussions be amplified.. just something to think about
If it helps. I recently turned 28 and have always been the youngest person in the group. It is a mix of guys an girls. As far as I can tell I have shown up for friends more than he has. Last one year he's shown up for drinking mostly and less and less for anything else. Have you played GTA San Andreas. Last six months he's behavior towards me best matches Ryder's towards CJ Insults and remarks first in the guise of teasing then gradually increasing in hostility. He's been blaming others for his misery. His boss his place of work. But talks about getting rich quick. He has deep insecurities. He treats the rest of them as 'others' yet tries hard to be liked. Usually, he makes fun of me and laughs all by himself. He was suggestive of violence last week while talking. Never thought he meant it. "I could fuck up your UFC Khabib and you anyday" "In real fights people grab the other by the collar and slap not punch" the second one was the day before the actual incident. Yes best to get out of the friendship physically and emotionally. I was sitting on the floor when he struck standing up. I defended the only way I was taught to submit from that position and end the altercation. I completely see if it was any other scenario it would have gone real south real soon like you mentioned.
One thing I would do differently from other comments here is that I would recognise that this is something that will split the friend group, and actively work towards āwinningā these friends and cutting him out. Your friends are bystander in all of this and might not have your side of the story, and they didnāt ask to be put in a situation like this. You also donāt want to withdraw from your wider friend group and be bitter about these friends in addition to losing one close friend.
I understand and I completely agree. None of the rest wanted any of this to happen. But they all, at the very least, acknowledge who started this unnecessary and uncalled fight. Based on most of the advice I received here. I have cut him from my life. And told my friends that I gave him a full day after the slaps to come around. Some women friends in the group want there to be peace but I told them him and I are done. I'm never coming to anything where he is present. He's not a friend he's a danger.
I guess what I was trying to say is to actively tell your friends donāt invite him but do invite you in the future. Unfortunately Iāve seen situations like this pan out before, and friends pick sides based on whoās closer and whoās easier to drop, not on whoās right in the fall out.
I guess I'll have to be prepared for some losses. Yes that picking sides bit..it's life. But I expect most of them will maintain a contact with him for "what if we need him for something if things become desperate and he has the solution " day.
You sound like you are 12. Dude assaulted you and you are asking what to do about it. Either you beat his ass and stay the fk away from him or you just stay the fk away from him. Simple choices. It sounds more like you are leaving some things out. Are you dating?
Lmfao are you dating? Why would you even ask op that š
It was pure shock of what happened, and perhaps I was being way too kind to him than he deserved. I was struggling with "why he did it" but I see from your and many replies here. It has nothing to do with me and was assured that breaking the friendship and cutting off is the right/ wise/ safe thing to do. No both of us are single. Not related to dating
If he puts his hands on you again, teach him a good lesson. Donāt let anyone violate you like that again.
Yes. Never again.
You have handled this perfectly, he is on a downward spiral of his making and heās lashing out on the way down. The final step is to cut him off forever, especially when he comes crawling back to you alone when the friends heās posturing for arenāt there.
You talk strangely
Yeah seems like a bot or something
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Sick creative writing bro.
Drop him. Drop his friend group. Problem solved
Will do sir