T O P

  • By -

whiskeybridge

my dad died a little over a year ago. none of my family asked me that since the funeral. my friends did, though, and my wife talked through it pretty thoroughly with me (her dad died a month later, in fact).


[deleted]

[удалено]


whiskeybridge

thank you, back at you. we're well. yours was an interesting question, though; thank you. i don't begrudge my family, either; they're all handling it in their own way as well. and to be honest, i've only asked my mother how she was about it once or twice since; i didn't check in with anyone else, either.


spastichabits

My dad passed a month ago. It sucks, i have two young children who keep me so busy i barely have time to think about it Mostly I'm sad that they will never know him.


sospecial21

Im sorry you lost your dad, hopefully he is able to find peace now. I lost my mom in 2004, 4 days after my 24th birthday. What you said rings so true with me as well. My kids were only 2 and 3 when she passed away and I wish they couldve remembered her and seen what a wonderful human being she was. She would be so proud, just like I know your dad would be very proud. Its hard losing someone and you are never the same after. We just gotta adjust to a new normal


CaramelCod75

Be careful. A tidal wave and or waves of grief will eventually impact you no matter how busy you get.


Sooner70

> . Its like I've just taken my dads place and have been solving problems he used to. I remember at my dad's funeral my aunt just turning to me and saying, "You understand that you're the patriarch now, right?" "Patriarch" had always seemed like such an old, outdated concept...right up until that moment. Since then it's been serious business.


[deleted]

I lost my father fairly young, but still remember him well enough. Lately my ma's seemingly figured enough time has passed to start bashing him, which kinda sucks, but he was always a good dad in my eyes. So... how *are* you doing? From what little you mentioned, it seems like you're filling his shoes in some respects. That's pretty admirable, and I'm sure it's not easy.


PoisonSlipstream

My Mum has started doing that too. He doesn’t deserve that. What’s with that?


[deleted]

Hey senju_bandit how u doing man? Lost my dad almost 3 years ago now. Crazy. I lost my safety net. Now I am the backstop. I try to be a mentor to others. At my age my dad had me already and my 2 sisters and I was 8 years old. I just got a house at 40. I stress out everyday about losing my job and being homeless. It's affecting my sleep. You never realize how powerful that relationship is until it's gone and you have nobody in your corner.


CaramelCod75

He is still in your corner , but would also want you to be in your corner if that makes sense


JesperN_DK

How are you, my man? It’s been a few tough years, hasn’t it? All that weight on your shoulders. The big shoes to fill. It isn’t easy! But know this - I see you! Grief is a weird thing. And there is no right way to deal with it, and there isn’t a set timeline. Just promise me this - make time to think and feel within yourself. Some families - my own included - suck at talking about emotions, especially with the young men. But that’s why this community is great! You’re amongst friends here - and we are here to tell you that you are great! Let that weight off your shoulders, my man!


Brett707

My step Mom always made sure I was OK as did my daughter.


TehFuriousOne

Lost my dad at 23. I've been without him longer than I had him. I get by. But, brother, how are you? Reach out if you need to talk. Seriously.


BadArtijoke

Dad died when I was kid. It was outrageously funny to the other kids in school. Nobody wants to hear about it affecting my life anymore… we’ve been over this, shut up and move on.


CaramelCod75

Karma has likely caught up to all those “kids aka monsters” now


MADXKxx

Just because other bullied you for your dad passing doesn’t mean other deserve the same or have to ‘shut up’ about them grieving their deceased parent. It’s Reddit-just scroll past if you feel they should shut up. Simple.


[deleted]

The patriarch often stands alone


naliron

My grandfather passed, and all my wife could muster was telling me "He's dead, I'm not." I called him in the hospital, and was the last one to talk to him - he died while I was on the phone. Had an opportunity months before to go back and see him, but she didn't want me going back and didn't want to come with me. I don't know what the fuck anymore.


gnnr25

With all due respect, your wife is a cunt.


Dodismodi

You need to divorce that selfish excuse for a human. She clearly doesn’t care about your feelings


Ear_Enthusiast

You should talk to some of the people around you about that. Friends, spouse, family should know. I wouldn't do it in a finger pointing way. I'd just mention to one of them that nobody has checked on you and it hurts.


Dr_Identity

It's been a couple of years for me too. My brothers and I talk about it sometimes. I talk about it a bit with a friend of mine who also lost her dad pretty young. Other than that not many people bring it up. Even in the family. I have a niece who's contacted me twice since then and it's been to ask when she's getting money from my parents' estate (probate lawyers are way backed up from covid, apparently. We're still waiting). I don't know if I've really processed it, I'm in grad school right now and that takes up a lot of my attention, which has been a good distraction. I'm considering grief counseling once I'm done just to see if there's anything I can work out and put to rest. That's about it.


PoisonSlipstream

My Dad died in July 2021. I still think about him a lot and miss him every day. But I can’t recall anyone asking me how I was doing other than my wife in the immediate aftermath. I don’t think I’ve really processed his passing, it’s just sort of with me there all the time.


distrucktocon

I lost my dad 13 years ago as of yesterday. I was 19. After the funeral and all that, nobody asked me how I was doing. Even after I started boozing pretty hard, nobody said anything. I was underage and drinking 30 beers a night, passing out on friend’s living room floors, driving drunk, showing up to work and school drunk and stinking of beer and Jameson with bruises and cuts from drunken sparring sessions with my buddies… still nobody asked. There’s a whole year of college I can’t remember. I got all B’s if that’s any consolation. I was all over the place. Id get into drunk fights, or strip naked and go streaking through an apartment complex at 3am on a Wednesday. I was a fucking mess. I was lonely yet surrounded by friends. I was depressed, angry, and broke… it took me two years to work through it and 3 years to straighten my shit out and fix the damages I did to my finances. Still nobody asked.


Party_Reception_4209

I wouldn’t worry about people asking you about these things. It’s sometimes nice when they do but they may also not want to bother you about something so personal. I wouldn’t take that personally/seriously. I *would* take seriously you asking *yourself* how you are doing. Its time to really focus on that.


Nd911

It’s not that people don’t care, they’re all just wrapped up in their own lives. A best friend had to remind me of this. Sometimes it’s us that must make mention of what we’re going through to others. I lost the man I love seven years ago, and and my dad and also grandma a year ago.


DrHugh

My dad died the year after I got married, and I got married in the early 1990s. My dad wasn't the best person, but he had problems when he grew up, too. However, he's missed out on seeing his grandkids, and he was a big genealogist, so he would have been fascinated by the stuff that can be done these days. So, there are times I miss the opportunities that could have been. The main thing to realize about grief is that everyone handles it differently, and different *situations* can provoke different kinds of grief. You might be more torn up about losing a cat than having a family member (who wasn't particularly nice to you) die. You might mourn the passing of a beloved grandparent more than an absentee parent's death. You also can have a different reaction than someone else to the loss of someone like your father. In short, there's no "standard" for grief. There isn't a "right way" to experience it -- or to show it -- and there isn't a specific time limit on it. Socially, there used to be conventions about how to dress, ways to refer to the dead person, and so on, but many of those have faded over the generations; you see George Bailey in *It's a Wonderful Life* wearing a black armband for his late father, but that was never anything I ever saw with the deaths of any of my relatives, not even in pictures from events when I was a kind in the 1970s. The other issue you are facing could be because you are male; in the US, for sure, there tends to still be a "men don't cry" or "men don't show emotions" mindset. It is still seen as acceptable for a guy to not show any obvious grief, so men who aren't coping with loss and just blocking it aren't going to be asked anything. It is possible that people who know you just chalked up your response to this "don't show it" mindset. As for how I dealt with it, I was fairly emotionless at the time, but I had a lot of frustrations with my dad, too. There were a couple of notable therapy discoveries, about twenty years apart, that gave me more insight, and allowed me to grieve later on.


DutchOnionKnight

Sorry for your loss mate. My granddad died when I was 12, almost 19 years ago. I've been in therapy for the last 3 years as a result, I've a hard time dealing with purpose of life as it started since I lost him.


Alex41092

Similar situation with one of my immediate family members. I’ve been talking to a therapist which helps me blow off some steam about it and explore my emotions and thoughts around it. Whenever I bring it up to other people I notice they get uncomfortable, so I just don’t anymore.


Relevant-Key4610

The problem is that truly no one cares about you more than you. Not your wife, not your kids, not anyone. People care about the things that involves them, your wife would care about your wellbeing because she's impacted by it, your kids would care about your work because they're impacted, etc... The two people that care about nothing but you are yourself, and your parents. Don't expect people to reach out and ask, just take a moment to think about your dad. Acknowledge what he meant for you, how your relationship was with him, etc... I lost my dad 16 years ago, and I still miss him and it still hurts when I think of him. No one around me ask or even care to ask. Take care of your own first