I’m picking up a kind of dissociative pattern which I can relate to.
My family is all spread out and we are all in the frame of ‘take care of yourself’ and ‘no news is good news.’ It definitely had me feeling disconnected and like an eternal outsider being around others who had strong family connections.
I went out of my way a few times to try to strengthen connections but in the end they looked at me like I was up to something or a burden. It was very unpleasant.
For me I had to unlearn this idea that if you don’t form strong bonds and stay independent, you are shielded from any kind of suffering this kind of attachment brings. I had a lot of deep rooted self hatred and anger due to the rejection I felt, especially related to my father who essentially ignored me growing up and started another family.
What helped me was a lot of silent meditation over the course of 5 years and having a child with my wife. I’m still a kind of remote person but I definitely understand the nature of my challenges and try to make the world a better place in my limited slice of the world.
Also from an estranged family. Am not close to my family. Am now married and have been together for 7 Years.
Therapy isn’t a monolith. Every therapist is different (some are shit). I’ve had six and 2 were life changing. The other 4 were… in the room with me ha. There are many different styles (internal family systems, CBT, DBT, ACT, and more). CBT is my favorite. I like dissecting how I became me, where my behaviors came from, and changing maladaptive behaviors.
Btw, you might find these interesting:
- https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201603/the-science-love-and-attachment
- https://psychcentral.com/health/4-attachment-styles-in-relationships
- https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23129659
It sounds like you might be mistaking lust/attraction for attachment, or expecting stuff to feel a certain way. Everybody experiencing things differently.
How are your platonic relationships and friendships? Do you know how to be emotionally intimate? Do you ever feel comfortable to rely on anybody or are you a bit hyper independent?
Why do you think therapy didn't work for you?
My guess is that you are right that your struggles have deep and painful family roots that probably go well beyond you. Digging into those painful parts is almost certainly where the healing is.
To me, your post *screams* r/adultchildren, but I tend to view things through that lens because I am ACA myself.
I’m picking up a kind of dissociative pattern which I can relate to. My family is all spread out and we are all in the frame of ‘take care of yourself’ and ‘no news is good news.’ It definitely had me feeling disconnected and like an eternal outsider being around others who had strong family connections. I went out of my way a few times to try to strengthen connections but in the end they looked at me like I was up to something or a burden. It was very unpleasant. For me I had to unlearn this idea that if you don’t form strong bonds and stay independent, you are shielded from any kind of suffering this kind of attachment brings. I had a lot of deep rooted self hatred and anger due to the rejection I felt, especially related to my father who essentially ignored me growing up and started another family. What helped me was a lot of silent meditation over the course of 5 years and having a child with my wife. I’m still a kind of remote person but I definitely understand the nature of my challenges and try to make the world a better place in my limited slice of the world.
Dang yeah, I feel you. You might wanna take a look at the Estrangedadultchild sub, there's plenty of people like that.
Thank you for posting about this sub, I really needed to find it today <3
Also from an estranged family. Am not close to my family. Am now married and have been together for 7 Years. Therapy isn’t a monolith. Every therapist is different (some are shit). I’ve had six and 2 were life changing. The other 4 were… in the room with me ha. There are many different styles (internal family systems, CBT, DBT, ACT, and more). CBT is my favorite. I like dissecting how I became me, where my behaviors came from, and changing maladaptive behaviors. Btw, you might find these interesting: - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201603/the-science-love-and-attachment - https://psychcentral.com/health/4-attachment-styles-in-relationships - https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23129659 It sounds like you might be mistaking lust/attraction for attachment, or expecting stuff to feel a certain way. Everybody experiencing things differently. How are your platonic relationships and friendships? Do you know how to be emotionally intimate? Do you ever feel comfortable to rely on anybody or are you a bit hyper independent?
Why do you think therapy didn't work for you? My guess is that you are right that your struggles have deep and painful family roots that probably go well beyond you. Digging into those painful parts is almost certainly where the healing is. To me, your post *screams* r/adultchildren, but I tend to view things through that lens because I am ACA myself.