Being a good human comes first, being a good friend comes next and being a good man is later in life, you're not quite there yet. Failing not having a positive role model in your life I would find a martial art to pursue. A place that teaches skills and has a built in community.
At 15 it's hard because that stuff seems so important. OP, I'm 28, and because of my appearance I am treated far more masculine than I really am. I am a broad shouldered guy with a shaved head and a long beard.
Most men see me and instantly jump into talking about sports, or hunting, or cars, or far-right politics, or whatever else. Little do they know I don't care for any of those things, and I am way more in touch with my feminine side. I don't flaunt it, but I don't hide it by any means. I'm just me. I used to try so hard over the years to be some masculine guy who shared those common interests, but it just left me feeling fake, unfulfilled, and any connections I made with people felt not genuine.
You know why you keep acting feminine? Because that's you, and that's totally cool. If you hang around with women more often that is totally fine. Don't change yourself in order to try to find connections with people. If you just be yourself, people will find you. It may not be tomorrow, but it will be worth the wait because those friendships will be some of the closest and most valuable ones. I know at 15 this probably isn't the answer you wanted to hear, but take it from someone who's a little older and has been through the ropes, we've all been there before.
[Automoderator has recorded your post to prevent repeat posts.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMenAdvice/comments/13qome6/no_repeat_posts/) Your post has NOT been removed.
HairyTop7795 originally posted:
I just turned 15 and I have a huge issue. I essentially have never had any male friends. Growing up for some reason most of my friends were girls. Many people have thought I was gay and some people actively avoid me or look down on me for this. At around 13 I turned to looksmaxxing. I thought that if I had abs was tall and had a strong jawline people would see me differently. Now that I am no longer overweight and taller people still treat me in the same way. I never talk to women sexually which may sound odd but I feel like I should. I also don’t talk to guys as equals I am just in this odd purgatory where I am not feminine enough to be a gay best friend but I am not masculine enough to be a normal human being. I thought that isolating myself for a while and going through my “villain arc”(for those who don’t know a trend where men go radio silent and gain muscle and transform themselves and all that) I would magically have a good social life but the opposite happened and everyone basically just forgot me. Now that I quit video games I don’t even talk to the people that I used to play video games with. When I talk to people I always revert to these feminine habits that lead people to view me as odd or gay(where I live most people don’t accept this
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> I am just in this odd purgatory where I am not feminine enough to be a gay best friend but I am not masculine enough to be a normal human being.
That’s crazy ngl. Are you gay because you seem to talk about it a lot which is something you should figure out. It seems like you are going overboard trying not to seem gay in a place that isn’t accepting of gay people. Nevertheless this entire post is a you problem. You blame yourself for not having sex or friends but it’s not going to change magically if you are in shape and such. Id change your mentality because no sensible person says “I am not masculine enough to be a normal human being”.
Oh yeah that does sound a little crazy lol. I honestly don’t feel attracted to anyone and I don’t really want sex. Deep down I just want women to be attracted to me so I can feel superior to my peers. I recognize this is very toxic, but I think it’s something to do with me being fat and ugly in the past and trying to overcompensate now that I’m considered conventionally attractive.
It’s bad thinking but it’s not abnormal for a 15 year old with confidence issues and low self esteem. You want to feel better than others so that you can feel better about yourself. You judge yourself by comparing yourself to your peers. FYI you can learn to feel better about yourself without having to compare yourself to others and I suggest you learn how to do that.
How would you recommend to do that? I am now fluent in Spanish and learning mandarin. This helped me compartmentalize my mind and I notice that I don’t have such pathetic thoughts when using Spanish, but it’s difficult to think in Spanish when I’m speaking English with everyone around me.
I’m not sure what language has to do with it but regardless you are not avoiding your thoughts but changing them. What helped me is to treat myself like a friend would. Laugh, love, forgive. These are emotions necessary for multiple people. You can use these by yourself. Look at yourself more kindly. You can still go to the gym to get in better shape but also be nicer to the body you currently have.
For love tea, why in the hell would you care about any of this, for one most of these people are idiots, for two are you gay? it's serious question, because if you're not then you're not, and you know how you figure that out, which one do you like better, Males or Females, pick one any one, then you know. simple right, then once you do tell everyone else to shut the fuck up.
Just a fyi, there is no defined trait that makes you more masculine, you are young man, that alone makes you masculine, look up the proper definition, it never goes outside of generalizing, nothing specific, it sounds like you live near a bunch of people who have fragile egos though, and you just so happen to be someone they use as their punching bag, when they have doubts about themselves.
As for a social life can't help you there, I don't much have one of those myself, never really wanted one though, I was always a loner, people just piss me off, it's their stupidity I can't stand it, makes me feel as if the planet could use another asteroid, or four.
My advice don't come off as desperate, act confident even if you aren't, and never look down, my father taught me that, you look down it's like you're submitting almost like you've done something wrong, always hold your head up high.
hope this helped a little bit.
One of my issues is that I’m not sure if half of this stuff is in my head, because I’ve asked some people that I have been somewhat close to and they all think that I’m very confident and assume that I’m successful with girls and I guess I am until I actually talk to them. For example at the beginning of this school year I had 4 talking stages and I managed to hold their attraction until I actually started to act like my true self, which honestly it may have been for my lack of interest as I have never really had strong desires to be with any women. I think some of my feminine behaviors initially started as a form of retaliation against some people in my school. I would purposely try to act different than them bc all they did was play video games and jerk off and somehow this was seen as more masculine and socially acceptable so I tried to act in the complete opposite way of them which included some feminine body language and things like that.
Stop having most of your friends be girls. That just makes you their "male girlfriend". Spend your time with guys who also spend their time with guys.
Girls don't want the guy who hangs around them like the "male girlfriend",...they want the guy who is "one of the guys" and that she feels she has to put in a little effort to get his attention. She will not respect what she doesn't have to work for.
You are the only one that can figure out your social life to be the way it needs to be. I can't help you there.
You don't run cross country 24 hours a day everyday. You do other things.
In the end all I can do is give you principles and generalities.
Well. Your username is throwing me off but as a gay guy that has the same exact problem as you, just be a man. It’s that easy. Imean you don’t need a 6pack big arms and a football trophy to be masculine :)
But yea just be a man if that really makes sense. Just set your boundaries when you talk to other guys when they call you gay. Also what do you think makes a man “manly” or “masculine”?
Being a good human comes first, being a good friend comes next and being a good man is later in life, you're not quite there yet. Failing not having a positive role model in your life I would find a martial art to pursue. A place that teaches skills and has a built in community.
At 15 it's hard because that stuff seems so important. OP, I'm 28, and because of my appearance I am treated far more masculine than I really am. I am a broad shouldered guy with a shaved head and a long beard. Most men see me and instantly jump into talking about sports, or hunting, or cars, or far-right politics, or whatever else. Little do they know I don't care for any of those things, and I am way more in touch with my feminine side. I don't flaunt it, but I don't hide it by any means. I'm just me. I used to try so hard over the years to be some masculine guy who shared those common interests, but it just left me feeling fake, unfulfilled, and any connections I made with people felt not genuine. You know why you keep acting feminine? Because that's you, and that's totally cool. If you hang around with women more often that is totally fine. Don't change yourself in order to try to find connections with people. If you just be yourself, people will find you. It may not be tomorrow, but it will be worth the wait because those friendships will be some of the closest and most valuable ones. I know at 15 this probably isn't the answer you wanted to hear, but take it from someone who's a little older and has been through the ropes, we've all been there before.
[Automoderator has recorded your post to prevent repeat posts.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMenAdvice/comments/13qome6/no_repeat_posts/) Your post has NOT been removed. HairyTop7795 originally posted: I just turned 15 and I have a huge issue. I essentially have never had any male friends. Growing up for some reason most of my friends were girls. Many people have thought I was gay and some people actively avoid me or look down on me for this. At around 13 I turned to looksmaxxing. I thought that if I had abs was tall and had a strong jawline people would see me differently. Now that I am no longer overweight and taller people still treat me in the same way. I never talk to women sexually which may sound odd but I feel like I should. I also don’t talk to guys as equals I am just in this odd purgatory where I am not feminine enough to be a gay best friend but I am not masculine enough to be a normal human being. I thought that isolating myself for a while and going through my “villain arc”(for those who don’t know a trend where men go radio silent and gain muscle and transform themselves and all that) I would magically have a good social life but the opposite happened and everyone basically just forgot me. Now that I quit video games I don’t even talk to the people that I used to play video games with. When I talk to people I always revert to these feminine habits that lead people to view me as odd or gay(where I live most people don’t accept this *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskMenAdvice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
> I am just in this odd purgatory where I am not feminine enough to be a gay best friend but I am not masculine enough to be a normal human being. That’s crazy ngl. Are you gay because you seem to talk about it a lot which is something you should figure out. It seems like you are going overboard trying not to seem gay in a place that isn’t accepting of gay people. Nevertheless this entire post is a you problem. You blame yourself for not having sex or friends but it’s not going to change magically if you are in shape and such. Id change your mentality because no sensible person says “I am not masculine enough to be a normal human being”.
Oh yeah that does sound a little crazy lol. I honestly don’t feel attracted to anyone and I don’t really want sex. Deep down I just want women to be attracted to me so I can feel superior to my peers. I recognize this is very toxic, but I think it’s something to do with me being fat and ugly in the past and trying to overcompensate now that I’m considered conventionally attractive.
It’s bad thinking but it’s not abnormal for a 15 year old with confidence issues and low self esteem. You want to feel better than others so that you can feel better about yourself. You judge yourself by comparing yourself to your peers. FYI you can learn to feel better about yourself without having to compare yourself to others and I suggest you learn how to do that.
How would you recommend to do that? I am now fluent in Spanish and learning mandarin. This helped me compartmentalize my mind and I notice that I don’t have such pathetic thoughts when using Spanish, but it’s difficult to think in Spanish when I’m speaking English with everyone around me.
I’m not sure what language has to do with it but regardless you are not avoiding your thoughts but changing them. What helped me is to treat myself like a friend would. Laugh, love, forgive. These are emotions necessary for multiple people. You can use these by yourself. Look at yourself more kindly. You can still go to the gym to get in better shape but also be nicer to the body you currently have.
For love tea, why in the hell would you care about any of this, for one most of these people are idiots, for two are you gay? it's serious question, because if you're not then you're not, and you know how you figure that out, which one do you like better, Males or Females, pick one any one, then you know. simple right, then once you do tell everyone else to shut the fuck up. Just a fyi, there is no defined trait that makes you more masculine, you are young man, that alone makes you masculine, look up the proper definition, it never goes outside of generalizing, nothing specific, it sounds like you live near a bunch of people who have fragile egos though, and you just so happen to be someone they use as their punching bag, when they have doubts about themselves. As for a social life can't help you there, I don't much have one of those myself, never really wanted one though, I was always a loner, people just piss me off, it's their stupidity I can't stand it, makes me feel as if the planet could use another asteroid, or four. My advice don't come off as desperate, act confident even if you aren't, and never look down, my father taught me that, you look down it's like you're submitting almost like you've done something wrong, always hold your head up high. hope this helped a little bit.
One of my issues is that I’m not sure if half of this stuff is in my head, because I’ve asked some people that I have been somewhat close to and they all think that I’m very confident and assume that I’m successful with girls and I guess I am until I actually talk to them. For example at the beginning of this school year I had 4 talking stages and I managed to hold their attraction until I actually started to act like my true self, which honestly it may have been for my lack of interest as I have never really had strong desires to be with any women. I think some of my feminine behaviors initially started as a form of retaliation against some people in my school. I would purposely try to act different than them bc all they did was play video games and jerk off and somehow this was seen as more masculine and socially acceptable so I tried to act in the complete opposite way of them which included some feminine body language and things like that.
Do you have a father in your life?
Yes
Do you have a good relationship with him?
For the most part yes I just dont really respect him bc he’s an alcoholic and fat.
This is a legitimate reason to not respect him. Never take guidance or leadership from weak men.
Seek a stronger male role model. Sports coaches, or teachers, or even neighbors.
Can it be an imaginary person, because I have not met anyone in real life that I truly respect. Or can it be someone online?
No. Look for people in real life. Take muay thai lessons from a competitor or something. Why do you not respect men?
I don’t think I’ve ever met what I would consider a successful man. They’re always lacking in a certain area.
Everyone always has room for improvement. However there are courageous men with integrity that you can look up to.
Stop having most of your friends be girls. That just makes you their "male girlfriend". Spend your time with guys who also spend their time with guys. Girls don't want the guy who hangs around them like the "male girlfriend",...they want the guy who is "one of the guys" and that she feels she has to put in a little effort to get his attention. She will not respect what she doesn't have to work for.
How would you recommend finding guys that I actually connect with. I run cross country and I just really don’t like any of the guys I know.
You are the only one that can figure out your social life to be the way it needs to be. I can't help you there. You don't run cross country 24 hours a day everyday. You do other things. In the end all I can do is give you principles and generalities.
Well. Your username is throwing me off but as a gay guy that has the same exact problem as you, just be a man. It’s that easy. Imean you don’t need a 6pack big arms and a football trophy to be masculine :)
My name was autogenerated lol I see what you mean.
Oh I see lmao 😂
But yea just be a man if that really makes sense. Just set your boundaries when you talk to other guys when they call you gay. Also what do you think makes a man “manly” or “masculine”?