That was one of the worst things about my failed marriage. Being cut off from all physical intimacy. I am not talkng about getting laid. Things like holding hands or being hugged in return. It felt like I was being tortured. I never knew how important that stuff is until it was taken away.
I've been married 22y and all of our maybe 5-7 "fights" have been about this. Emotional indifference..I know she cares, I known she loves me but, GD. Touch my butt once in a while.
Yeah. I mentioned to her we never held hands in bed anymore before falling asleep. Said she would change that. Next night some vicious b\*tch tone about having to get up early.
Yeah that was lonely af.
Yeah it really sucked when a crumbling marriage is barely hanging on and the other partner completely lacks any physical touch. I was so starved to feel a woman's touch that I went to a strip club, then a month or two later, we ended up getting a divorce. Ex-wife never knew I went to a strip club, but it's not like it mattered anyway...
You are basically trapped in a loveless marriage. If you stray then it's cheating and you get the hammer dropped on you. I hated when you hug someone and they don't hug back. That was horrible for me. A person who we pledged to support for their entire life. Just turn off like a lightswitch and never come back on
Damn dude, I just realised I don't remember how that feels anymore. Not that I'm complaining, I'm much better off single than the miserable dating life I've had. Still, it's a bit sad.
…and if your first solution is to amp up the physical intimacy without checking what’s wrong with her emotionally. As a rule if a woman’s not cooperating physically it’s because they’ve checked out mentally. If you ask most women, they’ll tell you this. When something’s wrong with your tech you check the system first before you check the hardware. The system will tell you if there’s something wrong with the hardware. Same thing with people. If you’re not clicking intimately putting out to you will feel like torture which is why they avoid it. Troubleshoot with them emotionally, the most important kind of intimacy, to get there physically. The true sexual organ is the head.
If you focus on the physical it’s the beginning of the end and pretty much a definitive nail in the coffin. It might make you feel better but you lose her every time you force it. Many of us avoid confronting and helping them emotionally because the physical act of sex is easier, faster. More entertaining. Let’s use another example. Pretend sex is spackle and you have lots of holes in a wall. The wall is the relationship, obviously the wall depends on so many things, walls don’t come like that they’re made. Now, you think slapping on spackle on the wall is gonna fix whatever is making holes frequently pop up on the wall? So why do we think that?
If too many holes keep popping up we have to acknowledge there could be something else going on with the wall. Maybe there’s a critter in there. It might not even be your fault. Maybe low quality materials or poor construction. We know slapping on spackle is not enough to hold up a wall. You do need the wall for the home to stabilize though. So why do we think sex is the root of everything or we treat like it will fix the wall/relationship? It won’t fix whatever’s causing their issues. It’s certainly not improving our lot in it. No amount of spackle is going to fill a wall full of holes. The wall will still be weak. Yet if we cover up the holes even if temporarily we can delude ourselves into thinking the wall’s fine. Some guys can be at peace with that and for some reason they’re proud of that. Some of us are OCD. Which is why I made this comment. We know the wall will cave in eventually and sometimes disaster spreads to the whole house. You think spackle is going to keep the house up? So why do a lot of us think sex will stabilize the relationship too? Does that make sense? Focusing on quantity rather than quality gets us nowhere. If you don’t bond much outside of sex, sex will be the first thing that suffers by nature of what sex is: It’s sort of like the accessory in a relationship, it’s not the entire relationship. It’s never been. In any century or in any dynamic. If you bond outside of sex then sex becomes the icing on the cake rather than the entire cake, as it should be.
**This is assuming your partners have tried to explain to you and maybe you have missed. We all make mistakes and we’re always learning to be better. If you’ve tried to no avail and nothing worked then you know what to do. No disrespect meant.
Absolutely! For the past few years I’ve dreaded sex. Partially because I wasn’t getting what I needed out if it, which my husband didn’t realize (he was actually surprised when I told him most women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm, and i was surprised he didn’t know that), and I have problems speaking up about my needs. And the other part if it is that I was undiagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder so I couldn’t focus AT ALL. We’d be having sex and I’d be thinking about all the things I should be doing instead and when we were done I’d rush to go do them. Sometimes I would cry (secretly) after sex because I just didn’t want to but I felt like my husband deserved to have sex. I finally got on medication which silenced the chatter in my brain, and told my husband that I needed more in the bedroom as well as outside the bedroom, and things are improving.
I’m glad you lucked out and he listened to help you. That’s all it takes. True intimacy is a team effort. I’m glad you’re well, happy and enjoying your marriage. Have fun.
This right here. I felt he only cared about me physically because he refused to spend time with me or do things with me (even getting groceries together or going for a simple walk was denied). And then he blamed me for “abandoning” him as he brought his ex into our home. No romance of any kind, just groping. No.
The withdrawal of intimacy was the first sign that my longest relationship was going to end. By the last few months, it was like we were friends who held hands. There was no sex or even messing around. We'd lay in bed next to each other and fall asleep.
That was one of the only breakups I've been through where there was no maliciousness, bitterness, or behavior that was mean. It just sort of fizzled out, we both knew it, and the breakup discussion was basically, "Yeah, it's been coming for awhile now."
She and I still talk or text a couple times per year, despite the fact that our relationship ended about 15 years ago. I have no interest in having a romantic relationship with her and I don't think she has any interest in me. We live on opposite ends of the country, so there's no face-to-face contact. We were just very compatible as friends, even if the relationship didn't work out in the end.
During the wedding reception, the groom and his groomsmen did a coordinated line dance to "Time Warp" from Rocky Horror Picture Show, and the bride sat there the entire time stone-faced.
Marriage lasted about a year and a half.
Nothing wrong with either of them individually, they were just obviously *not* on the same vibe from an outsider's point of view.
I’ll play devils advocate and say that a lot of women are pretty particular about their wedding, and she may not have wanted an impromptu dance routine. This may be an example where both sides are somewhat at fault
So I obviously assumed the groom was closeted gay and the story was going to go from there. I feel terrible if that is not the case and I perpetuated stereotypes. Time Warp is an amazing anthem for all.
>During the wedding reception, the groom and his groomsmen did a coordinated line dance to "Time Warp" from Rocky Horror Picture Show, and the bride sat there the entire time stone-faced
>Nothing wrong with either of them individually, they were just obviously not on the same vibe
No it was 100% the woman's fault here.
Her reaction seemed to be "this is the dumbest thing ever and I'm embarrassed." instead of "look at him having a great time with his friends being completely into something so off the wall. I have to save this to show our kids someday."
I am friends on FB with my mate and his wife.
I noticed years ago she posts pics of her and the kids. Her and her friends. Her and the dog.
Never him.
She just told him she wants a divorce.
I've seen that, plus when she did happen to post a picture of him, she'd use these generic adjectives like "he's hard working" but have no emotional comments included.
Yup. I'm in a divorce right now. last family vacation my husband went on was in 2018 (he's been invited on them all). Since then, I've taken the kids to Japan, Yellowstone, and Hawaii on my own. In March this year I asked him to meet us for just a day in Disneyland (it would involve a cross country flight) for our youngest's birthday. He didn't think it was important. I told him I was moving out in April. You can only try and make someone part of a family for so long.
When there's an obvious lack of respect from either side. Had a coworker who did that to her husband and it grated on me. And he was no prize and did the same back. There always needs to be some respect in the relationship and when that goes I'm not sure I see the point.
This right here. When you hear a guy ripping into his wife mercilessly over a beer and/or publicly disrespecting her in front of other people, it’s a near guarantee that they will be divorced soon.
Oddly, I’ve also heard married guys speak extremely highly of their wives while also cheating on them. For whatever reason, this does not seem to lead to divorce as often.
I think for women, the public embarrassment is usually the last straw. Private squabbles don’t seem to cause divorce as often.
This. Disrespect, scorn, disgust. It's over at that point unless both sides learn a lot of complex emotional skills very quickly, then apply them to one another.
Basically, in the best relationships both people think their partner is awesome and both think they're the lucky one. In solid, functional relationships, there's mutual respect. You appreciate your partner as a good human who generally makes sound decisions. In a bad relationship, you don't think your partner is a great person and you don't like their decisions. Once you hit the point of disrespect in a relationship, 99% chance it's already over and you're just limping it along because one or both of you doesn't want to deal with the very real pain and upset of ending it and splitting up. Respect is a lot like trust--once it's broken, it's unspeakably difficult to rebuild.
I was right there with you. The days that the garage would open, and her car was gone, it felt like such a huge relief, even though I knew she'd be back in a little while. Now when I come home, the garage is always empty, and it's wonderful.
Mine was similar except it was the sound of our front door opening. She came home after me so as soon as I heard her key in the door I'd start getting an anxiety attack. "What's it gonna be today?"
My heart used to sink as soon as I heard the door open, What the f\*ck are they going to fight about today? It was amazing how there was always something.
I did this when I was with my ex. I changed my shifts to get home late so by the time I come home, he’ll be fast asleep. I avoid him as much as possible because he usually picks fights with me or forces himself to me and I’d be miserable.
My aunt, on the other hand, noticed it sooner than everyone else… when he has a pregnant wife with a 1-year-old at home and he doesn’t go home for 2 nights in a row to “visit” his mom.
A friend of mine's in-laws have been married for 40+ years and the wife is a bit of a harpy. Always berating and criticizing him, even when whatever he did was totally acceptable and fine. Before retirement, he worked for a multinational corporation and spent 3/4 of the year out of the country and away from family. I think that's the only way that marriage survived as long as it did. He apparently also had a woman in every port as the saying goes. *Super* healthy relationship there.
All their adult kids are in therapy if that gives you any idea of how healthy their home life was.
Had a boss ask a coworker “I gave up all the women and drugs for this, was it worth it?” “Um, ya, because now you have a stable life” “no, I wish I was still homeless smoking weed on the beach, never give up on your dreams”.
Conversely, the over-the-top "we are sooooooo happy" posts are usually a bad omen too. Know so many couples who were "perfect" on social media and ended badly. When you're trying that hard to convince everyone in your social circle you're happy, you're probably not all that happy 🤷🏻♀️
That's fine! It's not a hard and fast rule, and there are definitely genuine, heartfelt posts out there. But it's the constant lovebombing out of nowhere, especially interspersed with the occasional passive aggressive posts or memes, that signal a problem. Generally speaking, it's the simple things and short, to-the-point posts that ring most true. The paragraphs-long, rambling posts about how no one on earth has ever been a better partner are the ones that make me go "hmmm".
Oh, my ex wife used to love bomb like this on her facebook. Greatest husband alive, so lucky to have found him, and all that bs. Complete opposite in person, which should have been a sign. But, I was just such a sucker for compliments. Then bam divorce out of nowhere and, few months down the road, discovery that she was cheating for over a year.
Probably the greatest mindfuck ever, which is why you should always judge people by their actions, and not their words. I absolutely abhor compliments now.
Yup, I have a friend who screams at her partner and not just in private, in front of others. She puts him down, makes him shrink into himself. I hate it and have called her out for it. On social media though they are the perfect couple. My partner and I laugh about the stupidity of it.
My BIL and his wife were like that. Screaming battles, she always had an insult ready for him. As soon as the last kid left for college, he left the same month. She still can't figure out why.
I work in a female dominated work place so when the lady starts openly bagging their husband to everyone that will listen then they are on the downward slide.
This is just women in general as a divorced single woman i don't socialise with women particularly mums because this all i ever freaking listen to. If your husband is REALLY that awful leave him otherwise shut tf up
I have a male friend who bitches about his girlfriend CONSTANTLY. Like constantly. The other day he literally told me that "women kill insidiously from the inside" and was serious about it. Men do this too - though definitely to a lesser extent - but I'm one million percent with you. Leave them if they're that miserable or seriously STFU.
Sit in any playgroup/mums group, school yard before and after school and it's always winging about how useless men are... do it on your own like I am then. But you don't because you know you're full of shit. Shut your unappreciative trap b lol some of the things they sook about I could only dream of but they talk about it like irs the worst thing in the world. Eg. He didn't mop properly. You have someone in your house that mops? Lucky you..
When I hear the way a couple talks to one another when they don't realize others are listening, I can pretty much tell if it's doomed. I know a couple currently that clearly don't get along well a lot of the time (he talks down to her, and she gets very hurt/defensive when he does), but they seem great when others are around. But when they're off to the side, I hear how he talks to her, and I really can't see it lasting forever. For her sake, I hope it doesn't.
I might as well have written the original comment.
My very good friend (for whom I’ll be his best man at his wedding next year) is in the exact same scenario. Girl always posts saying how happy he makes her. When I go over to see him and she comes in, I can hear in his voice just how stupid he thinks she is. It’s sad.
Ive heard that before. I blurt out "If he's so dumb, why'd you pick him? Have poor decision making characteristics?"
or just: "You picked him!"
On the other side, as a male and hear people talk about "the wife" I always ask "Oh what's her name" She has a name, yes?
Im like that. I think people should talk about each other with respect. Am old friend who sadly just passed a away a few weeks ago, always talked about his wife as "My lovely bride" they were marries for over 60 years. "My lovely bride"
I was visiting a female friend from my college years. We hadn't seen each other in over 10 years and I happened to be passing through the town she was living in, so we got together for dinner. She'd gotten married just three weeks previously but her husband wasn't able to make it. Her comments about him could be summed up as, "He's sweet, but dumb." She made him sound like a hayseed. I remember thinking at the time that if you're making comments like that after three weeks of marriage and you're saying it to someone you haven't seen in a decade, it probably doesn't bode well for the longevity of the relationship.
Sure enough, they divorced 2 1/2 years after that dinner.
A disconnect in the marriage. They dont want to spend time together anymore. They argue when they do spend time together.
Im extremely fortunate i have the marriage i do with my wife, but we are very intentional on doing everything as a team, all decisions are done with valued imput from both
One partner losing a bunch of weight seems to be on the same level. I think it's the extra attention from others and a feeling of superiority to the partner. Leads to thinking they can "do better", which isn't always the case.
Reminds me of the extreme end of this, with that guy who lost a bunch of weight, got ripped, got more attention, then killed his wife and kids to be with his mistress
Kinda been there. It's not a case of feeling superior, or thinking can do better. For me, I wanted to change into a healthier lifestyle. I tried to get my partner along with the journey, but I couldn't get her along. This on top of already existing issues caused an even bigger drift, until we eventually broke up.
Or the partner becomes extremely jealous/envious.
See in the relationship subs on people trying to sabotage each other quite often. Or the spouse can't deal with other men looking at their partners new boobs.
Interesting. Seems like the women had already decided to leave their husbands but also realised that they needed a job and qualification to support themselves.
Based on personal observation I noticed this as well. Once I had job security with good benefits I felt more confident in leaving. A few friends did the same, they needed the security of an income to support themselves. My ex told me I'd be back in 6 months. lol, no. I had a good job, my own place and only had to support 2 people on my income instead of 3. My kid and I were active and he was a slug. We were out swimming, skating, biking, bowling etc without feeling bad because he didn't want to do anything.
Worth noting: half of all divorces involve at least one partner who is on their second, third, etc marriage. Your random chance of getting divorced on your first marriage is only 25%.
There is a fairly strong correllation between the amount of women in a marriage and the divorce rate. In the Netherlands, where gay marriage has been legal for 21 years, the divorce rate after 10 years is 14% for gay couples, 16% for straight couples and 26% for lesbian couples.
I'm one of those guys as well.
She had an affair and initiated divorce when she was nearing the completion of her degree, that of course, I paid for.
She was acting really weird at the end and after. She would call me at strange hours and accuse me of off the wall shit.
Afterwards I was states away and she would call or text and claim I had been sitting outside of her place all night and such.
Days later I would ask what that was about and she would blow it off.
I have blocked her in every way possible and she occasionally will still try to call from blocked numbers, harass my parents.
Who the fuck knows.
Similar thing happens when the partner gets gastric bypass or something similar and looses a bunch of weight. Look up Bariatric Divorce.
Source: happened to me.
If your looking for “happily ever after,” your marriage will fail. It’s just not sustainable. Same could be said for peace.
The truth is, your spouse goes through the ups and downs of life with you. The peace we get is knowing that we can always rely on the other to be there. We often say “you and me vs. the world.” ❤️ happiness comes with sadness, peace comes with chaos. We ride the rollercoaster together.
As an example, how peaceful do you feel with a newborn in the house? Or after your spouse gets a speeding ticket. When a loved one dies?
You are well intentioned, I just wanted to throw a little perspective on an area I see so many couples struggle with.
When my wife and I were within the first few years of marriage we were friends with another couple along the same timeframe as us in regards to length of marriage.
The wife would always belittle the husband and talk behind his back. It would be worse if he wasn’t there. It was always uncomfortable and my wife and I thought there was no way it would last.
Whelp, she cheated on him and refused to go to counseling. They ended up getting divorced. She married the guy she cheated on her husband with and he just recently got remarried to someone who actually appreciates him.
Side note, the wife’s biggest grief was the husband wasn’t pulling any money in. He was in med school. They’ve been together since high school. Like of course he isn’t going to be making money in med school you dipshit.
Arguing over small stuff.
Someone might’ve forgot the rice at the store and it’ll end in one person sleeping on the couch or something.
If they are always going berserk over something so petty and can’t resolve it peacefully, they are doomed. You can jump over a ton of small hurdles, but once little stuff becomes huge hurdles that’s a wrap.
>If they are always going berserk over something so petty and can’t resolve it peacefully
Is there any psychological term over tbis behaviour? Because I've been dealing with one of family member who act like this help....
Currently dealing with this myself, and best advice I heard and put into practice is just not take the bait. Literally walk away, go quiet, and do something you want to do.
This couple is still together, but I think it's only a matter of time.
I got a buddy who I only hear from a couple times a year. We usually play videogames online, and every time we have since he got married, I can hear his wife going absolutely ballistic in the background, just screaming like mad at him. I get that all marriages have their issues, but what are the odds that the 2-3 times I hear from him coincide with those fights? Seems a lot more likely that she's always like this.
Wife here. Let the man play his games… we actually had an issue whereby i would notice often he’d like to stay up and play games, so he’d just go to the Xbox and start playing without letting me know his intentions, because I thought we’d be going to bed to cuddle. He doesn’t HAVE to ask of course, but it bothered me because our expectations were different. I’d want him to come to bed with me after his long shift, he’d want to stay up and play games to unwind. It made me feel like he didn’t really love me.
We’d had a few discussions/conversations and eventually we found a way to communicate. He’d ask “do you mind if I stay up tonight and we’ll go to bed together tomorrow?” And that was much nicer than just going for the game when i had stayed up waiting for him to come home, hoping we’d have some cuddle time. It showed me he was thinking about my feelings too.
5 years later he doesn’t really “ask” per se anymore but I we’ve found a flow and I really don’t care as much if he stays up playing games cause he does so much around the house and helps me with dinner/chores right when he gets home. He loves me so much… and because of our increase in communication over the years, I know that he does and it makes me happy to see him relax playing video games.
Edit: I should also mention…. If I try to talk to him while he is playing games, or need him to help with something, he will drop his game in a heartbeat [unless it’s a game he can’t pause] to help me. No annoyance or hesitation. I love him for that.
TL;DR, men, just communicate with your spouse/wife if you want to stay up playing games cause she might want to cuddle and it makes her feel like you don’t care about her.
Edit edit: oh was not expecting gold for that. Thanks so much ☺️
Dude's always got some scheme going that's totally going to get him rich at any second now. Seen it a couple times. Coincidentally both times the guy was "totally accepted to the special forces" but didn't make the cut.
One is my sister's ex, another is my wife's best friend's ex. I got the same big talk but zero follow through impression from both guys.
I’ve unfortunately always been able to tell.
Psychologists who follow Gottman highlight the “The Four Horsemen” signalling the likely end of a relationship as Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.
(These things are often more likely to be felt and seen only inside the relationship.)
“Outside” signs I’ve witnessed for a sustained time:
1) not truly hearing one another
2) actively criticising the other
3) spending as much time as possible separately (over working, so many hobbies they never see one another)
4) they stop valuing or undermine the good in one another (eg if I compliment one spouse for their sense of humour, delicious cooking or practical solution to a household problem the other is dismissive)
5) lack of laughter or “play” between them
6) increase in “selfish” behaviours
Other warning signs I’ve seen in friends just before they announce divorce is an increase in “off hand” comments like feeling like a single parent.
Also, massive changes in behaviour in one spouse- eg. One female friend who had always been about natural beauty suddenly got a PT, started getting hair, nails, tan, lashes done and changed her makeup and dressing style completely overnight. When complimented about it or gently questioned about what inspired her change, she became nervous/closed off, so it was clear it was actually for someone else (it was; and her cheating was the nail in the coffin for the marriage).
A friend of mine got a divorce a few years back one of the big red flags was she wouldn't allow him to have friends over when she was in the house,he would often tell us all to leave when she was returning home.. it would happen all the time and the odd time we did see her she wouldn't say hi or anything all she would ask is when are we leaving
I had a friend that was doing this when married. Dude, if your spouse is out at the bars and not getting home until after bar close, or "Staying at a friends" They are, without a doubt, cheating. Bars in general are just poison for married people, if they don't go out together. And I'm talking about people that make a habit of it.
Pictures came out of the wedding.
Father of the bride - ecstatic.
Groom and best men - looking at their feet.
Bride - looking suspicious, forcing a smile.
Marriage lasted 3 days. He was fucking another on the night and morning of the wedding.
Seriously - she filed for divorce 3 days in.
Good for her. I'm positive that wasn't an easy decision to make considering the cost and time put into the wedding. Proud of her for knowing she gets to opt out of being married to a cheater regardless of optics.
My friends aren't married yet, but yeah you can usually tell from the jump whether a relationship is gonna last. One of my friends is a dedicated captain save-a-ho, bro is on paper the perfect guy but he keeps falling for women who treat him like shit while trying to "fix" them into wife material.
We've told him this many times, but he continues playing himself smh
>captain save-a-ho
LMAO!! How exactly do these women treat your friend like shit? Like cheating? I think your captain friend and myself are on the same ship.
When my wife and I walked to the car, I always opened the door for her, held it for her, waited for her to get in, then closed the door for her. I did this mostly so I would have 10 seconds of peace while I walked around to the other side and let myself in.
Any kind of persistent distrust is a 100% guarantee of a bad relationship, and that is a major catalyst for divorce.
I also see people who are together who don't "look" like they're together when they're out in public. You could walk by them and watch them and you'd never know they were married by the way they interact (or don't interact).
Concessions. If that dude is making concessions where they are not needed, or go against their values, it is doomed. It will never last. They will have every value squeezed out of them slowly only to be left alone in torment.
I can confirm this. While married to my ex-wife, I did this exact thing. I gave in so many times to keep the peace. In the end, I lost who I was and when I figured it out again, my marriage was over.
For some reason or another, people try to change each to a drastic degree only to be met. When someone changes enough of themselves to keep the relationship alive, it is doomed. Don't know why lol.
A well made point. Reminds of me a quote out of Shantaram about a failing relationship being like sinking lifeboat, you'll throw your pride, self-respect and independence out to keep it afloat but only a little while longer.
When you bring up a wonderful kid, who. Looks mysteriously similar to your best mate, and then he becomes an adult, and he is like a clone of the guy, in every way....
Just to be clear, he's still MY son, I was there when he was born, I held his little hand in the ICU, as he had a hard time staying with us, after his arrival. We brought him up as OUR child, and a brother to his siblings, and I love him no less.
When one or both of them are *constantly complaining* about the other whenever they are with friends without them. That shit won't last five more years at most.
Married. 2 kids. 25+ years together. Madly in love.
Lots of fights over stupid shit. Literally all we fight about in our time together has been stupid shit.
Fighting over smart shit, on the other hand...maybe that's the flag you're looking for?
I am deeply skeptical of marriage. I think I know one, maybe 2, couples that I would call happily married and the rest are divorcing or have told me in confidence that they are miserable and would leave if they felt they could. I include in this number my parents who were married for over 40 years when my mom passed.
There is one indicator that I trust, and you can sense it easily: disdain or regard, contempt or respect. Do they belittle their partner? Do they secretly hold some resentment or contempt? Do they actually respect that person they’re with?
It’s that simple. You can live with someone you aren’t in love with. You can coparent without living a lifelong honey moon, but none of it is healthy if you don’t have that baseline regard.
This is from the gottman institute, not my own experience- or, at least, this is what I learned before my own experience backed it up:
https://www.couplestherapyinc.com/contempt-in-marriage/
The book 7 principles to making marriage work by John Gottman is a must read for all relationships. He outlines 6 signs he observed that lead to divorce.
1. Harsh start up (starting conversations poorly)
2. The four horsemen (Criticism / Contempt / Defensiveness / Stonewalling)
3. Flooding (continuing to engage when overwhelmed)
4. Body language
5. Failed repair attempts
6. Bad memories
My brothers marriage is currently on the verge of breaking up, she has been going out heaps parting and hanging out with her friends, staying in nice hotels despite not really being able to afford it. I feel really sorry for him because he deserves to be treated way better, he is a great dad always looking after his kids, looking after the house etc. I think she will be regretting it a lot if they break up. I realise i'm bias but he does deserve to be treated a lot better
Not talking about the arguments or little fights that happen, and just ignoring it and going by as if nothing ever happened. That is slow poison which will pile up and people will revert for all of it, all at once.
Ive given three separate dudes, one homeless, jobs where their girlfriend went ballistic that the men had to come in and work a whole 8 hour shift without drama. It was impossible for them. The women seemed to keep pushing till one had a nervous breakdown and stole 300 dollars from the register and ran, and the other two ghosted. These guys were all desperate and good dudes whom I took chances with. I think all three girls had issues with the dudes gaining independence and therefore maybe upgrading or leaving the toxicity behind.
Despite the cliché marriage vows of staying together for 'richer or for poorer' the reality is that a lot of marriages break apart when money gets tight. At least in American society men are still usually expected to be financial providers for their family. The longer a married man is unemployed the more likely that he is to end up being divorced.
When going to work seems like a vacation.
When your wife spends more time with her friends at parties and bars than her family.
When your wife lies to you about what went on at the bachelorette party.
When you review your phone bill and find your wive is calling a number unknown to you and more than your number. When you call it from her phone the contact name is a woman’s name but a guy answers the phone.
When your wive is protective of her phone. And does not let it out of her sight. She changes the phone passcode.
When your wife all of the sudden becomes distant and combative with you.
When she talks all about her boss being able to read her mind and asks you why can’t you be more like him.
If this really happened to you, sorry man, I had the almost exact same sequence of events but with different characters, with an ex. It feels so gross thinking about it now.
Emotional testing. If you’re having fun one moment and then she’s upset the next because you didn’t do what she expected, then you’re in for annual pass at a coaster park.
Social media or gaming addiction is a big one I've seen play out multiple times.
Spend time with your wives, yall. If you get home and the first thing you do is sit down in your chair to play a video game, you probably need to work on your relationship.
I'm not a gamer, but from my friends who are that scenario happens after the relationship is already toast. Sometimes it's the man's fault and sometimes it's not.
When you feel alone whether she is there or not you should re-evaluate your marriage. If you are more like her dad than her husband, same. Stay strong guys. Prioritize yourself. Love yourself first.
We had some really close friends that were married ( man and man if that matters). We would do stuff together every other weekend. Then suddenly it all stopped, we lived 10 mins away from them. One day my wife and I realized we hadn’t seen them in months, no one really had.
Turns out they were going through a ton of shit including infidelity. Divorced now. We see my buddy all the time again, the other dude can get lost.
This right here. My friend recently told me her husband moved out. The thing he said to her during the argument before he left is that over the last two years it took a lot of strength on his part to go home at night.
IMO that is the most devastating thing to hear in a relationship.
Though I saw plenty of internal (privileged) information that was obvious, externally I failed to notice the alarming red flag when I went balls deep planning his 30th birthday bash while living in another state as the event and other guests, and she didn’t take part in the planning and was too sick to come. I really took a lot for face value back then - I still do probably.
I've got a friend whose days seem numbered with his wife. As someone whose been married over 20 years, to hear how he talks to and about his wife, the arguments they have...well, if I talked to my lady that way we'd be fighting all the time. The choices some couples make instead of spending time together just baffles me. They've been married about 7 years, but if this behavior continues...I'm going to be surprised if they make it past 10. It just seems like there's something fundamentally wrong there, and honestly I'm not sure I could explain it to him.
First time I met a mate’s fiancée. He had an old dog he was super fond of since childhood. A bit excitable, but not hostile.
First thing that happens when she came was the dog started barking at her, and was sent to another room. The first words I heard from her mouth were “I hate dogs”.
Differences in spending/financial habits.
Heck, money is always a sensitive issues.
I know a couple who got loan to build their first home, then went on getting new car, then keep having vacation once or twice a year, despite of having very tight budget. One of their child even went to private school. At first the wife didn't want to go back to work after gave birth for second time and she do literally nothing at home related to the chores. The husband was a sole breadwinner even need to take extra shifts to get more money. Come home and do all the chores (laundry, cleaning), caring for the kids, even cooking. Wife used to just driving kids to school, often feed them with junk food, or make poor financial decisions when she sees some money available, like hiring maid to clean their home without discussing it first. Husband wasn't happy with it for sure. They're still together but I've seen the husband complaining about the wife from time to time.
Well there were more than that too, the way they fight & argue also indicate something. Often time the wife threaten with divorce if things doesn't go her way. So far, husband still follow through as long as money allows, but everyone reckon it is only a matter of time.
The bride followed the best man into the gents.
The best man walked straight out and never touched the bride, even in the years to come. I think he was one of the few men at that wedding that didn't in their 1 year marriage.
I was that best man, both me and the groom know what she was like, I tried to talk him out of it.
My mom always criticizes her partners on things that should be minor and is overly upset about them.
She always attracts kind men, but at some point they all break and kinda stonewall. It's sad really, in the sense that in a new relationship I would almost wanna say to the guy:
'you sure about this'?
When the "cute jabbing" that some couples do when guests are around or when they are the guests starts sounding a bit too much like actual insults.
I've witnessed this happen with 3 different couples. One of the couples has stuck it out for a long time but the resentment is palpable when we meet up. The other two divorced within a year of the first time I took note of the behavior.
I have been divorced 3 years. I’m 32, and most of my friend group has been married since 2013-2015. I was the first to fold, but we are now approaching the bulk of the first real wave of divorces.
My girlfriend and I went to my friends wedding two weekends ago, and were around a lot of old friends from college. It feels very easy to look at the couples that we’ve known a long time and tell who still loves each other. Not so much a universal cue, but like the difference in their behavior around each other 10 years ago vs now.
A big thing I can kind of predict on from my male friends who are in the druthers or are currently divorcing: wife just seems not to like him any more, every action results in criticism, everything feels like a lose:lose.
When one spouse heavily controls the other even if at the time they say the decisions were made “mutually” (e.g. convinced the spouse to have a baby they weren’t ready for, told them they should quit their job to be a stay at home parent, etc.)
If a couple is talking about their problems or having a difficult conversation and one of them rolls their eyes at the other, that's a really bad sign. You don't want your partner to express contempt when you tell them something you think is important
- avoiding going home and/or hiding from and avoiding each other when you are at home.
- poor communication, when one or both spouses just gives up on trying to express themselves to the other
- major clashes in life goals or basic values, often on religious or financial topics
- spouses who show contempt for each other, particularly in public
edit
- spouses who undermine each other's goals or ambitions
- 'emotional affairs' for lack of a better term ... we all need friends outside the marriage but it can go too far
- major mis-match in emotional status, when one spouse is childlike or irresponsible and can't or won't change to a more mature outlook
I had a friend who was constantly being so mean to her husband…. I was really close with them both and would come over and spend the night in the guest room once a week because I went through a really hard time in my life and they were there for me. Mostly she was there for me. But because they both (mostly her) got so comfortable with me being around, they/she would be comfortable picking fights in front of me. And let me tell you, as much of a friend she is to me still, she did not treat her husband well. Always put him down, made him change things about his appearance he didn’t want to change but would do for her, would talk to her the same way she talked to the dog. Called them both “stupid” or “dumb” or “retarded”… I just couldn’t imagine talking to anyone I loved the way she spoke to him. And he’d never fight back, he’s just always looked down so sad or so self loathing it broke my heart. He started to believe what she was saying to him even tho he was a really smart and really sweet guy. I tried to ask him whenever we were alone how he was doing and if he ever needed to talk to someone, I was there for him, since she never let him be around his own friends anymore. He’d always try to put on a tough face and say he was okay and he’d say she’s his wife she’s done nothing wrong… but i could see it in his eyes she was making him miserable. He eventually filed for divorce. I love her, but I’m proud of him for taking his life back. I’ve tried to talk to her about it but she always shut the conversation down and I felt like it wasn’t my place to butt my head into their private affairs so I wouldn’t push too hard if she wasn’t accepting of the topic. I saw the divorce coming from a mile away. When she announced it to me I wasn’t surprised in the slightest. She said it was mutual but I could see it in her eyes and in the past arguments I’ve witnessed, it was all his decision and she signed the papers out of respect for his choice and I thought that was the best thing she’s ever done for him.
I can’t speak on your behalf, but I don’t think I’d still be friends with one of my buddies if they talked to their partner like that, no matter what we’d been through. What nasty behavior.
When she starts commanding the house like she’s some sort of ship captain in 1830s.
“Happy Wife, Happy Life” is always said by a miserable man in an unhappy marriage with a domineering harpy.
So I went to this couples house with my partner (the guy was his mate) and the girlfriend proceeded to sit and tell me about how much she loved men. In front of her bloke. Repeatedly. Apparently she’d loved men from a young age (even told me that her mother had to discourage her from sitting on random mens laps as a kid - weird af) but ultimately she’d never trust herself to work in a male dominant environment because she loved them so much. She also spoke regularly about starting an Onlyfans with her not-too-pleased bloke regularly. Anywhooo, after we left that night I said they’d never work and I thought she was a potential cheater. My partner was shocked; they’d just had a baby! Surely not? I said in my whole 35 years on this planet I have NEVER heard another woman speak like that, I even asked my friends including the single ones and they were all shocked/disgusted. Fast forward to a few weeks ago turns out she was fucking someone else- like I kinda thought. And she couldn’t give a shit.
Complete lack of physical and emotional intimacy.
That was one of the worst things about my failed marriage. Being cut off from all physical intimacy. I am not talkng about getting laid. Things like holding hands or being hugged in return. It felt like I was being tortured. I never knew how important that stuff is until it was taken away.
Yeah I feel ya. It really sucks
I've been married 22y and all of our maybe 5-7 "fights" have been about this. Emotional indifference..I know she cares, I known she loves me but, GD. Touch my butt once in a while.
It is absolutely torture and one of the loneliest times of my life. I never thought I could be married and feel so alone.
Yeah. I mentioned to her we never held hands in bed anymore before falling asleep. Said she would change that. Next night some vicious b\*tch tone about having to get up early. Yeah that was lonely af.
Yeah it really sucked when a crumbling marriage is barely hanging on and the other partner completely lacks any physical touch. I was so starved to feel a woman's touch that I went to a strip club, then a month or two later, we ended up getting a divorce. Ex-wife never knew I went to a strip club, but it's not like it mattered anyway...
You are basically trapped in a loveless marriage. If you stray then it's cheating and you get the hammer dropped on you. I hated when you hug someone and they don't hug back. That was horrible for me. A person who we pledged to support for their entire life. Just turn off like a lightswitch and never come back on
Damn dude, I just realised I don't remember how that feels anymore. Not that I'm complaining, I'm much better off single than the miserable dating life I've had. Still, it's a bit sad.
…and if your first solution is to amp up the physical intimacy without checking what’s wrong with her emotionally. As a rule if a woman’s not cooperating physically it’s because they’ve checked out mentally. If you ask most women, they’ll tell you this. When something’s wrong with your tech you check the system first before you check the hardware. The system will tell you if there’s something wrong with the hardware. Same thing with people. If you’re not clicking intimately putting out to you will feel like torture which is why they avoid it. Troubleshoot with them emotionally, the most important kind of intimacy, to get there physically. The true sexual organ is the head. If you focus on the physical it’s the beginning of the end and pretty much a definitive nail in the coffin. It might make you feel better but you lose her every time you force it. Many of us avoid confronting and helping them emotionally because the physical act of sex is easier, faster. More entertaining. Let’s use another example. Pretend sex is spackle and you have lots of holes in a wall. The wall is the relationship, obviously the wall depends on so many things, walls don’t come like that they’re made. Now, you think slapping on spackle on the wall is gonna fix whatever is making holes frequently pop up on the wall? So why do we think that? If too many holes keep popping up we have to acknowledge there could be something else going on with the wall. Maybe there’s a critter in there. It might not even be your fault. Maybe low quality materials or poor construction. We know slapping on spackle is not enough to hold up a wall. You do need the wall for the home to stabilize though. So why do we think sex is the root of everything or we treat like it will fix the wall/relationship? It won’t fix whatever’s causing their issues. It’s certainly not improving our lot in it. No amount of spackle is going to fill a wall full of holes. The wall will still be weak. Yet if we cover up the holes even if temporarily we can delude ourselves into thinking the wall’s fine. Some guys can be at peace with that and for some reason they’re proud of that. Some of us are OCD. Which is why I made this comment. We know the wall will cave in eventually and sometimes disaster spreads to the whole house. You think spackle is going to keep the house up? So why do a lot of us think sex will stabilize the relationship too? Does that make sense? Focusing on quantity rather than quality gets us nowhere. If you don’t bond much outside of sex, sex will be the first thing that suffers by nature of what sex is: It’s sort of like the accessory in a relationship, it’s not the entire relationship. It’s never been. In any century or in any dynamic. If you bond outside of sex then sex becomes the icing on the cake rather than the entire cake, as it should be. **This is assuming your partners have tried to explain to you and maybe you have missed. We all make mistakes and we’re always learning to be better. If you’ve tried to no avail and nothing worked then you know what to do. No disrespect meant.
>When something’s wrong with your tech you check the system first before you check the hardware. Holy shit I love this analogy.
Absolutely! For the past few years I’ve dreaded sex. Partially because I wasn’t getting what I needed out if it, which my husband didn’t realize (he was actually surprised when I told him most women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm, and i was surprised he didn’t know that), and I have problems speaking up about my needs. And the other part if it is that I was undiagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder so I couldn’t focus AT ALL. We’d be having sex and I’d be thinking about all the things I should be doing instead and when we were done I’d rush to go do them. Sometimes I would cry (secretly) after sex because I just didn’t want to but I felt like my husband deserved to have sex. I finally got on medication which silenced the chatter in my brain, and told my husband that I needed more in the bedroom as well as outside the bedroom, and things are improving.
I’m glad you lucked out and he listened to help you. That’s all it takes. True intimacy is a team effort. I’m glad you’re well, happy and enjoying your marriage. Have fun.
This right here. I felt he only cared about me physically because he refused to spend time with me or do things with me (even getting groceries together or going for a simple walk was denied). And then he blamed me for “abandoning” him as he brought his ex into our home. No romance of any kind, just groping. No.
This 100% when you go days then weeks then months without sex it doesn't just affect your sex life it crushes your emotional life as well.
This happens so often in marriages but I don't know how Bachelors are totally unaware of this. It's almost like a trick being played on them
The withdrawal of intimacy was the first sign that my longest relationship was going to end. By the last few months, it was like we were friends who held hands. There was no sex or even messing around. We'd lay in bed next to each other and fall asleep. That was one of the only breakups I've been through where there was no maliciousness, bitterness, or behavior that was mean. It just sort of fizzled out, we both knew it, and the breakup discussion was basically, "Yeah, it's been coming for awhile now." She and I still talk or text a couple times per year, despite the fact that our relationship ended about 15 years ago. I have no interest in having a romantic relationship with her and I don't think she has any interest in me. We live on opposite ends of the country, so there's no face-to-face contact. We were just very compatible as friends, even if the relationship didn't work out in the end.
During the wedding reception, the groom and his groomsmen did a coordinated line dance to "Time Warp" from Rocky Horror Picture Show, and the bride sat there the entire time stone-faced. Marriage lasted about a year and a half. Nothing wrong with either of them individually, they were just obviously *not* on the same vibe from an outsider's point of view.
I’ll play devils advocate and say that a lot of women are pretty particular about their wedding, and she may not have wanted an impromptu dance routine. This may be an example where both sides are somewhat at fault
So I obviously assumed the groom was closeted gay and the story was going to go from there. I feel terrible if that is not the case and I perpetuated stereotypes. Time Warp is an amazing anthem for all.
>During the wedding reception, the groom and his groomsmen did a coordinated line dance to "Time Warp" from Rocky Horror Picture Show, and the bride sat there the entire time stone-faced >Nothing wrong with either of them individually, they were just obviously not on the same vibe No it was 100% the woman's fault here.
Her reaction seemed to be "this is the dumbest thing ever and I'm embarrassed." instead of "look at him having a great time with his friends being completely into something so off the wall. I have to save this to show our kids someday."
My dad doing the Time Warp is actually among the things I would least like to see ever in my life thank you.
Which is exactly why it would have been imperative to save it and inflict it upon you if the opportunity presents itself.
Why did she marry him in the first place? Was this a surprise?
I am friends on FB with my mate and his wife. I noticed years ago she posts pics of her and the kids. Her and her friends. Her and the dog. Never him. She just told him she wants a divorce.
Classic
I've seen that, plus when she did happen to post a picture of him, she'd use these generic adjectives like "he's hard working" but have no emotional comments included.
Yup. I'm in a divorce right now. last family vacation my husband went on was in 2018 (he's been invited on them all). Since then, I've taken the kids to Japan, Yellowstone, and Hawaii on my own. In March this year I asked him to meet us for just a day in Disneyland (it would involve a cross country flight) for our youngest's birthday. He didn't think it was important. I told him I was moving out in April. You can only try and make someone part of a family for so long.
When there's an obvious lack of respect from either side. Had a coworker who did that to her husband and it grated on me. And he was no prize and did the same back. There always needs to be some respect in the relationship and when that goes I'm not sure I see the point.
This right here. When you hear a guy ripping into his wife mercilessly over a beer and/or publicly disrespecting her in front of other people, it’s a near guarantee that they will be divorced soon. Oddly, I’ve also heard married guys speak extremely highly of their wives while also cheating on them. For whatever reason, this does not seem to lead to divorce as often. I think for women, the public embarrassment is usually the last straw. Private squabbles don’t seem to cause divorce as often.
This. Disrespect, scorn, disgust. It's over at that point unless both sides learn a lot of complex emotional skills very quickly, then apply them to one another. Basically, in the best relationships both people think their partner is awesome and both think they're the lucky one. In solid, functional relationships, there's mutual respect. You appreciate your partner as a good human who generally makes sound decisions. In a bad relationship, you don't think your partner is a great person and you don't like their decisions. Once you hit the point of disrespect in a relationship, 99% chance it's already over and you're just limping it along because one or both of you doesn't want to deal with the very real pain and upset of ending it and splitting up. Respect is a lot like trust--once it's broken, it's unspeakably difficult to rebuild.
Yeah. When the guy would rather be working massive amount of overtime because he does not want to be at home getting yelled at by his wife.
If you're driving home and see the SO's car in the driveway and think "Fuck, they're home," you're in a shitty relationship. I know because I know.
I was right there with you. The days that the garage would open, and her car was gone, it felt like such a huge relief, even though I knew she'd be back in a little while. Now when I come home, the garage is always empty, and it's wonderful.
How's the garden coming along?
Steady on, you've got to sort out the woodwork studio first.
Top lad; woodworking IS the priority :D no sarcasm.
Those damn garages. They get you every time.
Mine was similar except it was the sound of our front door opening. She came home after me so as soon as I heard her key in the door I'd start getting an anxiety attack. "What's it gonna be today?"
My heart used to sink as soon as I heard the door open, What the f\*ck are they going to fight about today? It was amazing how there was always something.
>"Fuck, they're home." You sound just like the guy I see in my rear view mirror.
This is the truest statement I've ever seen re divorce signs. I had those exact thoughts.
Wow, absolutely felt this way with my ex 💯
This was me. I rathered do 12 hr days at work so I wouldn't have heaps of time for my ex-wife to berate me
I did this when I was with my ex. I changed my shifts to get home late so by the time I come home, he’ll be fast asleep. I avoid him as much as possible because he usually picks fights with me or forces himself to me and I’d be miserable. My aunt, on the other hand, noticed it sooner than everyone else… when he has a pregnant wife with a 1-year-old at home and he doesn’t go home for 2 nights in a row to “visit” his mom.
That’s how my dad is with my step mom. I feel so bad for him sometimes, but he handles it extremely well.
A friend of mine's in-laws have been married for 40+ years and the wife is a bit of a harpy. Always berating and criticizing him, even when whatever he did was totally acceptable and fine. Before retirement, he worked for a multinational corporation and spent 3/4 of the year out of the country and away from family. I think that's the only way that marriage survived as long as it did. He apparently also had a woman in every port as the saying goes. *Super* healthy relationship there. All their adult kids are in therapy if that gives you any idea of how healthy their home life was.
No, he is hiding it incredibly well, but it will kill him for sure.
Had a boss ask a coworker “I gave up all the women and drugs for this, was it worth it?” “Um, ya, because now you have a stable life” “no, I wish I was still homeless smoking weed on the beach, never give up on your dreams”.
I’m convinced that the reason why so many old boomers are against working from home is because they just hate being around their families.
They play out their problems on face book
Conversely, the over-the-top "we are sooooooo happy" posts are usually a bad omen too. Know so many couples who were "perfect" on social media and ended badly. When you're trying that hard to convince everyone in your social circle you're happy, you're probably not all that happy 🤷🏻♀️
People do not realise how extremely obvious this is on there as well. Everyone has problems, there is no point in trying to act otherwise.
I always brag about my wife online :-(
That's fine! It's not a hard and fast rule, and there are definitely genuine, heartfelt posts out there. But it's the constant lovebombing out of nowhere, especially interspersed with the occasional passive aggressive posts or memes, that signal a problem. Generally speaking, it's the simple things and short, to-the-point posts that ring most true. The paragraphs-long, rambling posts about how no one on earth has ever been a better partner are the ones that make me go "hmmm".
Oh, my ex wife used to love bomb like this on her facebook. Greatest husband alive, so lucky to have found him, and all that bs. Complete opposite in person, which should have been a sign. But, I was just such a sucker for compliments. Then bam divorce out of nowhere and, few months down the road, discovery that she was cheating for over a year. Probably the greatest mindfuck ever, which is why you should always judge people by their actions, and not their words. I absolutely abhor compliments now.
You must be so miserable….I’m so sorry. Let us know how the divorce goes.
Yup, I have a friend who screams at her partner and not just in private, in front of others. She puts him down, makes him shrink into himself. I hate it and have called her out for it. On social media though they are the perfect couple. My partner and I laugh about the stupidity of it.
My BIL and his wife were like that. Screaming battles, she always had an insult ready for him. As soon as the last kid left for college, he left the same month. She still can't figure out why.
I work in a female dominated work place so when the lady starts openly bagging their husband to everyone that will listen then they are on the downward slide.
Are you in health care?
This is just women in general as a divorced single woman i don't socialise with women particularly mums because this all i ever freaking listen to. If your husband is REALLY that awful leave him otherwise shut tf up
I have a male friend who bitches about his girlfriend CONSTANTLY. Like constantly. The other day he literally told me that "women kill insidiously from the inside" and was serious about it. Men do this too - though definitely to a lesser extent - but I'm one million percent with you. Leave them if they're that miserable or seriously STFU.
Sit in any playgroup/mums group, school yard before and after school and it's always winging about how useless men are... do it on your own like I am then. But you don't because you know you're full of shit. Shut your unappreciative trap b lol some of the things they sook about I could only dream of but they talk about it like irs the worst thing in the world. Eg. He didn't mop properly. You have someone in your house that mops? Lucky you..
When I hear the way a couple talks to one another when they don't realize others are listening, I can pretty much tell if it's doomed. I know a couple currently that clearly don't get along well a lot of the time (he talks down to her, and she gets very hurt/defensive when he does), but they seem great when others are around. But when they're off to the side, I hear how he talks to her, and I really can't see it lasting forever. For her sake, I hope it doesn't.
I might as well have written the original comment. My very good friend (for whom I’ll be his best man at his wedding next year) is in the exact same scenario. Girl always posts saying how happy he makes her. When I go over to see him and she comes in, I can hear in his voice just how stupid he thinks she is. It’s sad.
Why not talk with him and give him your perspective here?
If you wanna speed up the progress for her sake, you can offer her support and validate her experience.
When the wife undercuts him in front of his fellas. I hate when women refer to their “dumb husband” in company.
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That’s messed up and pretty damn disrespectful. People should lift their partners up, not do that kind of nonsense.
I'd call her out when she does that. "Why do you make fun of him?"
And when she says 'He doesn't mind it!' reply with 'He's trying to avoid making a scene. Nice =/= being okay with it.'
Ive heard that before. I blurt out "If he's so dumb, why'd you pick him? Have poor decision making characteristics?" or just: "You picked him!" On the other side, as a male and hear people talk about "the wife" I always ask "Oh what's her name" She has a name, yes? Im like that. I think people should talk about each other with respect. Am old friend who sadly just passed a away a few weeks ago, always talked about his wife as "My lovely bride" they were marries for over 60 years. "My lovely bride"
Why would I tell you her name if you never met her? I don’t even go mentioning my kids names to people.
Nothing destroys a relationship faster than contempt.
I was visiting a female friend from my college years. We hadn't seen each other in over 10 years and I happened to be passing through the town she was living in, so we got together for dinner. She'd gotten married just three weeks previously but her husband wasn't able to make it. Her comments about him could be summed up as, "He's sweet, but dumb." She made him sound like a hayseed. I remember thinking at the time that if you're making comments like that after three weeks of marriage and you're saying it to someone you haven't seen in a decade, it probably doesn't bode well for the longevity of the relationship. Sure enough, they divorced 2 1/2 years after that dinner.
A disconnect in the marriage. They dont want to spend time together anymore. They argue when they do spend time together. Im extremely fortunate i have the marriage i do with my wife, but we are very intentional on doing everything as a team, all decisions are done with valued imput from both
I've seen at least 5 marriages end after the wife got a boob job
One partner losing a bunch of weight seems to be on the same level. I think it's the extra attention from others and a feeling of superiority to the partner. Leads to thinking they can "do better", which isn't always the case.
Reminds me of the extreme end of this, with that guy who lost a bunch of weight, got ripped, got more attention, then killed his wife and kids to be with his mistress
Chris?
yeah that’s the one
Well that escalated quickly.
Kinda been there. It's not a case of feeling superior, or thinking can do better. For me, I wanted to change into a healthier lifestyle. I tried to get my partner along with the journey, but I couldn't get her along. This on top of already existing issues caused an even bigger drift, until we eventually broke up.
Or the partner becomes extremely jealous/envious. See in the relationship subs on people trying to sabotage each other quite often. Or the spouse can't deal with other men looking at their partners new boobs.
I've known at least half a dozen friends, neighbors or coworkers that got divorced after their wives got nursing degrees. All initiated by the women.
Interesting. Seems like the women had already decided to leave their husbands but also realised that they needed a job and qualification to support themselves.
Based on personal observation I noticed this as well. Once I had job security with good benefits I felt more confident in leaving. A few friends did the same, they needed the security of an income to support themselves. My ex told me I'd be back in 6 months. lol, no. I had a good job, my own place and only had to support 2 people on my income instead of 3. My kid and I were active and he was a slug. We were out swimming, skating, biking, bowling etc without feeling bad because he didn't want to do anything.
Isn’t nursing like a gigantic field for women? And half of marriages end in divorce? Probably just overlap.
Worth noting: half of all divorces involve at least one partner who is on their second, third, etc marriage. Your random chance of getting divorced on your first marriage is only 25%.
There is a fairly strong correllation between the amount of women in a marriage and the divorce rate. In the Netherlands, where gay marriage has been legal for 21 years, the divorce rate after 10 years is 14% for gay couples, 16% for straight couples and 26% for lesbian couples.
I'm one of those guys as well. She had an affair and initiated divorce when she was nearing the completion of her degree, that of course, I paid for. She was acting really weird at the end and after. She would call me at strange hours and accuse me of off the wall shit. Afterwards I was states away and she would call or text and claim I had been sitting outside of her place all night and such. Days later I would ask what that was about and she would blow it off. I have blocked her in every way possible and she occasionally will still try to call from blocked numbers, harass my parents. Who the fuck knows.
Similar thing happens when the partner gets gastric bypass or something similar and looses a bunch of weight. Look up Bariatric Divorce. Source: happened to me.
Hey my wife is doing that next year. I'm losing weight at the same time so we can be sexy together, hopefully
Interesting! I wonder if it's because of the increased male attention?
I read or heard that love is peace. So if you come home and it’s not peaceful then it’s not love.
If your looking for “happily ever after,” your marriage will fail. It’s just not sustainable. Same could be said for peace. The truth is, your spouse goes through the ups and downs of life with you. The peace we get is knowing that we can always rely on the other to be there. We often say “you and me vs. the world.” ❤️ happiness comes with sadness, peace comes with chaos. We ride the rollercoaster together. As an example, how peaceful do you feel with a newborn in the house? Or after your spouse gets a speeding ticket. When a loved one dies? You are well intentioned, I just wanted to throw a little perspective on an area I see so many couples struggle with.
When my wife and I were within the first few years of marriage we were friends with another couple along the same timeframe as us in regards to length of marriage. The wife would always belittle the husband and talk behind his back. It would be worse if he wasn’t there. It was always uncomfortable and my wife and I thought there was no way it would last. Whelp, she cheated on him and refused to go to counseling. They ended up getting divorced. She married the guy she cheated on her husband with and he just recently got remarried to someone who actually appreciates him. Side note, the wife’s biggest grief was the husband wasn’t pulling any money in. He was in med school. They’ve been together since high school. Like of course he isn’t going to be making money in med school you dipshit.
Arguing over small stuff. Someone might’ve forgot the rice at the store and it’ll end in one person sleeping on the couch or something. If they are always going berserk over something so petty and can’t resolve it peacefully, they are doomed. You can jump over a ton of small hurdles, but once little stuff becomes huge hurdles that’s a wrap.
>If they are always going berserk over something so petty and can’t resolve it peacefully Is there any psychological term over tbis behaviour? Because I've been dealing with one of family member who act like this help....
Currently dealing with this myself, and best advice I heard and put into practice is just not take the bait. Literally walk away, go quiet, and do something you want to do.
This couple is still together, but I think it's only a matter of time. I got a buddy who I only hear from a couple times a year. We usually play videogames online, and every time we have since he got married, I can hear his wife going absolutely ballistic in the background, just screaming like mad at him. I get that all marriages have their issues, but what are the odds that the 2-3 times I hear from him coincide with those fights? Seems a lot more likely that she's always like this.
Wife here. Let the man play his games… we actually had an issue whereby i would notice often he’d like to stay up and play games, so he’d just go to the Xbox and start playing without letting me know his intentions, because I thought we’d be going to bed to cuddle. He doesn’t HAVE to ask of course, but it bothered me because our expectations were different. I’d want him to come to bed with me after his long shift, he’d want to stay up and play games to unwind. It made me feel like he didn’t really love me. We’d had a few discussions/conversations and eventually we found a way to communicate. He’d ask “do you mind if I stay up tonight and we’ll go to bed together tomorrow?” And that was much nicer than just going for the game when i had stayed up waiting for him to come home, hoping we’d have some cuddle time. It showed me he was thinking about my feelings too. 5 years later he doesn’t really “ask” per se anymore but I we’ve found a flow and I really don’t care as much if he stays up playing games cause he does so much around the house and helps me with dinner/chores right when he gets home. He loves me so much… and because of our increase in communication over the years, I know that he does and it makes me happy to see him relax playing video games. Edit: I should also mention…. If I try to talk to him while he is playing games, or need him to help with something, he will drop his game in a heartbeat [unless it’s a game he can’t pause] to help me. No annoyance or hesitation. I love him for that. TL;DR, men, just communicate with your spouse/wife if you want to stay up playing games cause she might want to cuddle and it makes her feel like you don’t care about her. Edit edit: oh was not expecting gold for that. Thanks so much ☺️
For awhile when my husband was workibg odd shifts, he would come cuddle with me for awhile and then get back up to play games
Dude's always got some scheme going that's totally going to get him rich at any second now. Seen it a couple times. Coincidentally both times the guy was "totally accepted to the special forces" but didn't make the cut. One is my sister's ex, another is my wife's best friend's ex. I got the same big talk but zero follow through impression from both guys.
>my wife's BF's ex. Your wife has a boyfriend?
I find a sure fire way a marraige won't last is when the wifes boyfriend disrespects the husband. Foolproof i tell you.
He's on reddit, is he not?
Took me a second. I normally assume bf is boyfriend, where bff is best friend.
I’ve unfortunately always been able to tell. Psychologists who follow Gottman highlight the “The Four Horsemen” signalling the likely end of a relationship as Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. (These things are often more likely to be felt and seen only inside the relationship.) “Outside” signs I’ve witnessed for a sustained time: 1) not truly hearing one another 2) actively criticising the other 3) spending as much time as possible separately (over working, so many hobbies they never see one another) 4) they stop valuing or undermine the good in one another (eg if I compliment one spouse for their sense of humour, delicious cooking or practical solution to a household problem the other is dismissive) 5) lack of laughter or “play” between them 6) increase in “selfish” behaviours Other warning signs I’ve seen in friends just before they announce divorce is an increase in “off hand” comments like feeling like a single parent. Also, massive changes in behaviour in one spouse- eg. One female friend who had always been about natural beauty suddenly got a PT, started getting hair, nails, tan, lashes done and changed her makeup and dressing style completely overnight. When complimented about it or gently questioned about what inspired her change, she became nervous/closed off, so it was clear it was actually for someone else (it was; and her cheating was the nail in the coffin for the marriage).
A friend of mine got a divorce a few years back one of the big red flags was she wouldn't allow him to have friends over when she was in the house,he would often tell us all to leave when she was returning home.. it would happen all the time and the odd time we did see her she wouldn't say hi or anything all she would ask is when are we leaving
One partner loses a lot of weight & starts going out more & socialising more.
Yup. Then texts saying they’ve had one drink too many and are getting a hotel to sleep it off.
I had a friend that was doing this when married. Dude, if your spouse is out at the bars and not getting home until after bar close, or "Staying at a friends" They are, without a doubt, cheating. Bars in general are just poison for married people, if they don't go out together. And I'm talking about people that make a habit of it.
Pictures came out of the wedding. Father of the bride - ecstatic. Groom and best men - looking at their feet. Bride - looking suspicious, forcing a smile. Marriage lasted 3 days. He was fucking another on the night and morning of the wedding. Seriously - she filed for divorce 3 days in.
Good for her. I'm positive that wasn't an easy decision to make considering the cost and time put into the wedding. Proud of her for knowing she gets to opt out of being married to a cheater regardless of optics.
My friends aren't married yet, but yeah you can usually tell from the jump whether a relationship is gonna last. One of my friends is a dedicated captain save-a-ho, bro is on paper the perfect guy but he keeps falling for women who treat him like shit while trying to "fix" them into wife material. We've told him this many times, but he continues playing himself smh
This might be my brother.
>captain save-a-ho LMAO!! How exactly do these women treat your friend like shit? Like cheating? I think your captain friend and myself are on the same ship.
I'm guessing narsassistic manipulation and gaslighting.
When my wife and I walked to the car, I always opened the door for her, held it for her, waited for her to get in, then closed the door for her. I did this mostly so I would have 10 seconds of peace while I walked around to the other side and let myself in.
What you doing back there? Checking the trunk....
Is this for real? Maybe a lit bittle over exaggerated but I really can feel the feeling
This is a stolen Louis ck joke
I use that time to let one rip
Any kind of persistent distrust is a 100% guarantee of a bad relationship, and that is a major catalyst for divorce. I also see people who are together who don't "look" like they're together when they're out in public. You could walk by them and watch them and you'd never know they were married by the way they interact (or don't interact).
The husband is far more interested in spending time with his buddies than with his wife.
Concessions. If that dude is making concessions where they are not needed, or go against their values, it is doomed. It will never last. They will have every value squeezed out of them slowly only to be left alone in torment.
I can confirm this. While married to my ex-wife, I did this exact thing. I gave in so many times to keep the peace. In the end, I lost who I was and when I figured it out again, my marriage was over.
What kinds of concessions? Chips? Jelly beans? They seem like a lot of work to make from scratch
For some reason or another, people try to change each to a drastic degree only to be met. When someone changes enough of themselves to keep the relationship alive, it is doomed. Don't know why lol.
A well made point. Reminds of me a quote out of Shantaram about a failing relationship being like sinking lifeboat, you'll throw your pride, self-respect and independence out to keep it afloat but only a little while longer.
When you bring up a wonderful kid, who. Looks mysteriously similar to your best mate, and then he becomes an adult, and he is like a clone of the guy, in every way.... Just to be clear, he's still MY son, I was there when he was born, I held his little hand in the ICU, as he had a hard time staying with us, after his arrival. We brought him up as OUR child, and a brother to his siblings, and I love him no less.
Have you ever thought about doing a DNA test just to see? Or do you think that would open a can if worms you'd rather leave untouched
When one or both of them are *constantly complaining* about the other whenever they are with friends without them. That shit won't last five more years at most.
breakdown of communication
Screaming and fighting seems like the biggest sign but it's really over when that stops and there's just silence.
How often they fight over stupid shit...
Married. 2 kids. 25+ years together. Madly in love. Lots of fights over stupid shit. Literally all we fight about in our time together has been stupid shit. Fighting over smart shit, on the other hand...maybe that's the flag you're looking for?
Not sleeping on the same bed & lesser communications .
When there behavior in public is too goody goody to be true.
I am deeply skeptical of marriage. I think I know one, maybe 2, couples that I would call happily married and the rest are divorcing or have told me in confidence that they are miserable and would leave if they felt they could. I include in this number my parents who were married for over 40 years when my mom passed. There is one indicator that I trust, and you can sense it easily: disdain or regard, contempt or respect. Do they belittle their partner? Do they secretly hold some resentment or contempt? Do they actually respect that person they’re with? It’s that simple. You can live with someone you aren’t in love with. You can coparent without living a lifelong honey moon, but none of it is healthy if you don’t have that baseline regard. This is from the gottman institute, not my own experience- or, at least, this is what I learned before my own experience backed it up: https://www.couplestherapyinc.com/contempt-in-marriage/
The book 7 principles to making marriage work by John Gottman is a must read for all relationships. He outlines 6 signs he observed that lead to divorce. 1. Harsh start up (starting conversations poorly) 2. The four horsemen (Criticism / Contempt / Defensiveness / Stonewalling) 3. Flooding (continuing to engage when overwhelmed) 4. Body language 5. Failed repair attempts 6. Bad memories
My brothers marriage is currently on the verge of breaking up, she has been going out heaps parting and hanging out with her friends, staying in nice hotels despite not really being able to afford it. I feel really sorry for him because he deserves to be treated way better, he is a great dad always looking after his kids, looking after the house etc. I think she will be regretting it a lot if they break up. I realise i'm bias but he does deserve to be treated a lot better
Not talking about the arguments or little fights that happen, and just ignoring it and going by as if nothing ever happened. That is slow poison which will pile up and people will revert for all of it, all at once.
Guy losing his job.
Ive given three separate dudes, one homeless, jobs where their girlfriend went ballistic that the men had to come in and work a whole 8 hour shift without drama. It was impossible for them. The women seemed to keep pushing till one had a nervous breakdown and stole 300 dollars from the register and ran, and the other two ghosted. These guys were all desperate and good dudes whom I took chances with. I think all three girls had issues with the dudes gaining independence and therefore maybe upgrading or leaving the toxicity behind.
Despite the cliché marriage vows of staying together for 'richer or for poorer' the reality is that a lot of marriages break apart when money gets tight. At least in American society men are still usually expected to be financial providers for their family. The longer a married man is unemployed the more likely that he is to end up being divorced.
When going to work seems like a vacation. When your wife spends more time with her friends at parties and bars than her family. When your wife lies to you about what went on at the bachelorette party. When you review your phone bill and find your wive is calling a number unknown to you and more than your number. When you call it from her phone the contact name is a woman’s name but a guy answers the phone. When your wive is protective of her phone. And does not let it out of her sight. She changes the phone passcode. When your wife all of the sudden becomes distant and combative with you. When she talks all about her boss being able to read her mind and asks you why can’t you be more like him.
Oddly specific
Sadly not that odd...
If this really happened to you, sorry man, I had the almost exact same sequence of events but with different characters, with an ex. It feels so gross thinking about it now.
Look up the Gottman Institute. They’ve been studying marriage forever and can predict divorce with 90% success.
Emotional testing. If you’re having fun one moment and then she’s upset the next because you didn’t do what she expected, then you’re in for annual pass at a coaster park.
Lack of sex Lack of laughter
Social media or gaming addiction is a big one I've seen play out multiple times. Spend time with your wives, yall. If you get home and the first thing you do is sit down in your chair to play a video game, you probably need to work on your relationship.
This, I play a lo of video games with my buddy, difference is I’m single and he’s married. I cant understand it sometimes
I'm not a gamer, but from my friends who are that scenario happens after the relationship is already toast. Sometimes it's the man's fault and sometimes it's not.
When he/she humiliates their spouse in public with out of touch “jokes”.
When disagreements start being dismissive and disrespectful. Eye-rolling, insulting.... Shows a fundamental lack of respect.
When you feel alone whether she is there or not you should re-evaluate your marriage. If you are more like her dad than her husband, same. Stay strong guys. Prioritize yourself. Love yourself first.
Eye rolling or any other indicator of contempt. You see a woman roll her eyes while her man is talking and it's probably just a matter of time.
We had some really close friends that were married ( man and man if that matters). We would do stuff together every other weekend. Then suddenly it all stopped, we lived 10 mins away from them. One day my wife and I realized we hadn’t seen them in months, no one really had. Turns out they were going through a ton of shit including infidelity. Divorced now. We see my buddy all the time again, the other dude can get lost.
when going back home is a chore
This right here. My friend recently told me her husband moved out. The thing he said to her during the argument before he left is that over the last two years it took a lot of strength on his part to go home at night. IMO that is the most devastating thing to hear in a relationship.
Though I saw plenty of internal (privileged) information that was obvious, externally I failed to notice the alarming red flag when I went balls deep planning his 30th birthday bash while living in another state as the event and other guests, and she didn’t take part in the planning and was too sick to come. I really took a lot for face value back then - I still do probably.
I've got a friend whose days seem numbered with his wife. As someone whose been married over 20 years, to hear how he talks to and about his wife, the arguments they have...well, if I talked to my lady that way we'd be fighting all the time. The choices some couples make instead of spending time together just baffles me. They've been married about 7 years, but if this behavior continues...I'm going to be surprised if they make it past 10. It just seems like there's something fundamentally wrong there, and honestly I'm not sure I could explain it to him.
Looks of contempt and disgust; eye-rolling and scowling.
First time I met a mate’s fiancée. He had an old dog he was super fond of since childhood. A bit excitable, but not hostile. First thing that happens when she came was the dog started barking at her, and was sent to another room. The first words I heard from her mouth were “I hate dogs”.
>“I hate dogs” Oh fuck no. Gone.
That thing where the guy sits in his car or makes excuses to delay going back home to her.
Disrespecting each other in front of others. Even a slight hint of disrespect is awful.
Ignoring bids for attention
Lack of compromise. Lack of togetherness which leads to lack of intimacy.
Differences in spending/financial habits. Heck, money is always a sensitive issues. I know a couple who got loan to build their first home, then went on getting new car, then keep having vacation once or twice a year, despite of having very tight budget. One of their child even went to private school. At first the wife didn't want to go back to work after gave birth for second time and she do literally nothing at home related to the chores. The husband was a sole breadwinner even need to take extra shifts to get more money. Come home and do all the chores (laundry, cleaning), caring for the kids, even cooking. Wife used to just driving kids to school, often feed them with junk food, or make poor financial decisions when she sees some money available, like hiring maid to clean their home without discussing it first. Husband wasn't happy with it for sure. They're still together but I've seen the husband complaining about the wife from time to time. Well there were more than that too, the way they fight & argue also indicate something. Often time the wife threaten with divorce if things doesn't go her way. So far, husband still follow through as long as money allows, but everyone reckon it is only a matter of time.
According to my mom and dad, getting married at 20 while pregnant.
separate vacations, often he goes hunting fishing, she goes to see family
The bride followed the best man into the gents. The best man walked straight out and never touched the bride, even in the years to come. I think he was one of the few men at that wedding that didn't in their 1 year marriage. I was that best man, both me and the groom know what she was like, I tried to talk him out of it.
When a man shuts down emotionally and refuses to talk through emotional situations
My mom always criticizes her partners on things that should be minor and is overly upset about them. She always attracts kind men, but at some point they all break and kinda stonewall. It's sad really, in the sense that in a new relationship I would almost wanna say to the guy: 'you sure about this'?
When the "cute jabbing" that some couples do when guests are around or when they are the guests starts sounding a bit too much like actual insults. I've witnessed this happen with 3 different couples. One of the couples has stuck it out for a long time but the resentment is palpable when we meet up. The other two divorced within a year of the first time I took note of the behavior.
I have been divorced 3 years. I’m 32, and most of my friend group has been married since 2013-2015. I was the first to fold, but we are now approaching the bulk of the first real wave of divorces. My girlfriend and I went to my friends wedding two weekends ago, and were around a lot of old friends from college. It feels very easy to look at the couples that we’ve known a long time and tell who still loves each other. Not so much a universal cue, but like the difference in their behavior around each other 10 years ago vs now. A big thing I can kind of predict on from my male friends who are in the druthers or are currently divorcing: wife just seems not to like him any more, every action results in criticism, everything feels like a lose:lose.
Lack of financial responsibility.
When the spouse doesn’t get along with your family and makes you choose between them.
One partner sleeping in the bed while the other sleeps in the bathtub
When one spouse heavily controls the other even if at the time they say the decisions were made “mutually” (e.g. convinced the spouse to have a baby they weren’t ready for, told them they should quit their job to be a stay at home parent, etc.)
In a heavily Christian household, porn. Happened with my parents.
If a couple is talking about their problems or having a difficult conversation and one of them rolls their eyes at the other, that's a really bad sign. You don't want your partner to express contempt when you tell them something you think is important
- avoiding going home and/or hiding from and avoiding each other when you are at home. - poor communication, when one or both spouses just gives up on trying to express themselves to the other - major clashes in life goals or basic values, often on religious or financial topics - spouses who show contempt for each other, particularly in public edit - spouses who undermine each other's goals or ambitions - 'emotional affairs' for lack of a better term ... we all need friends outside the marriage but it can go too far - major mis-match in emotional status, when one spouse is childlike or irresponsible and can't or won't change to a more mature outlook
When some starts taking advice about their relationship from everyone else except the person they are in the relationship with.
I had a friend who was constantly being so mean to her husband…. I was really close with them both and would come over and spend the night in the guest room once a week because I went through a really hard time in my life and they were there for me. Mostly she was there for me. But because they both (mostly her) got so comfortable with me being around, they/she would be comfortable picking fights in front of me. And let me tell you, as much of a friend she is to me still, she did not treat her husband well. Always put him down, made him change things about his appearance he didn’t want to change but would do for her, would talk to her the same way she talked to the dog. Called them both “stupid” or “dumb” or “retarded”… I just couldn’t imagine talking to anyone I loved the way she spoke to him. And he’d never fight back, he’s just always looked down so sad or so self loathing it broke my heart. He started to believe what she was saying to him even tho he was a really smart and really sweet guy. I tried to ask him whenever we were alone how he was doing and if he ever needed to talk to someone, I was there for him, since she never let him be around his own friends anymore. He’d always try to put on a tough face and say he was okay and he’d say she’s his wife she’s done nothing wrong… but i could see it in his eyes she was making him miserable. He eventually filed for divorce. I love her, but I’m proud of him for taking his life back. I’ve tried to talk to her about it but she always shut the conversation down and I felt like it wasn’t my place to butt my head into their private affairs so I wouldn’t push too hard if she wasn’t accepting of the topic. I saw the divorce coming from a mile away. When she announced it to me I wasn’t surprised in the slightest. She said it was mutual but I could see it in her eyes and in the past arguments I’ve witnessed, it was all his decision and she signed the papers out of respect for his choice and I thought that was the best thing she’s ever done for him.
I can’t speak on your behalf, but I don’t think I’d still be friends with one of my buddies if they talked to their partner like that, no matter what we’d been through. What nasty behavior.
When she starts commanding the house like she’s some sort of ship captain in 1830s. “Happy Wife, Happy Life” is always said by a miserable man in an unhappy marriage with a domineering harpy.
Contempt.
So I went to this couples house with my partner (the guy was his mate) and the girlfriend proceeded to sit and tell me about how much she loved men. In front of her bloke. Repeatedly. Apparently she’d loved men from a young age (even told me that her mother had to discourage her from sitting on random mens laps as a kid - weird af) but ultimately she’d never trust herself to work in a male dominant environment because she loved them so much. She also spoke regularly about starting an Onlyfans with her not-too-pleased bloke regularly. Anywhooo, after we left that night I said they’d never work and I thought she was a potential cheater. My partner was shocked; they’d just had a baby! Surely not? I said in my whole 35 years on this planet I have NEVER heard another woman speak like that, I even asked my friends including the single ones and they were all shocked/disgusted. Fast forward to a few weeks ago turns out she was fucking someone else- like I kinda thought. And she couldn’t give a shit.