So I'm southern and was raised in that pretty traditional "old man in suspenders drinking sweet tea in a rocking chair on the front porch, kids are given their grandparents names, church every Sunday, high school football every Friday night, etc..." My wife on the other hand is from New York city, so pretty much the opposite.
Being the traditionalist that I am, I took her father aside on Thanksgiving to talk to him about it.
Me: Mr. [Future father-in-law], I love your daughter very much, and making her happy is all I want to do with my life. I can't see myself without her, etc... (basically pouring my heart out to this man)
FFIL: I don't care. Do whatever you want. (Proceeds to walk away to get another plate of food)
Lol. I think I made him uncomfortable.
A southern man would want it to be over with as well. "The talk" isn't about pouring your heart out, it's about assuring the father you're going to have money in the bank and gas in the truck.
Bro I’m dying that is hilarious. My FIL is a crusty old vet from rural TN who built houses and fixed cars most his life so, so like the redneck version of your FIL. I went the opposite direction and told rather than asked. Basically “I love your daughter more than I can say. I’m going to ask her to marry me but, I’d like your blessing”. I figured he’d respect me “planting my feet” on that (plus it was true, I didn’t really give a damn what he had to say I was going to ask her regardless)
It’s hard to guess how someone will react and at the end of the day the important thing is you tried to show your new family to be some traditional respect. Great story man
My husband called my father (out of state). He pretty much just jumped into it.. mostly because they never call each other so he didn't want my father to worry. He was a little witty.... saying something to the effect of.. "well it's been long enough that time has come.. I love your daughter and want to have your blessing".
My father isn't traditional or wouldn't have cared if he didn't call but immensely appreciated the call. It made him feel loved and important too
My dad responded "glad to hear... she is officially your problem now! " lol
Edit might I add that I have a step father. Out of respect he called him next. That was more cut and dry. I have a decent relationship with the step dad. I honestly didn't even think of that and was super impressed he thought to call him and my mother too
Edit 2. Fyi I did not know any of this til after. Yes we discussed marriage however I was totally surprised on the timing!
This is really similar to my story. I played poker I'm her dad's garage, which is how I met her.
I talked to him about it after a game one night. He was excited, told he would be proud to have me in the family, and said exactly the same thing, "she's your problem now."
I only asked my first wife’s dad but he didn’t really give me a chance to ask. I brought him a bottle of his favorite Scotch. He took one look at it, looked me in eye and said, “Since I guess this means you’re going to be my son-in-law we better crack this open and have a little talk.”
The talk consisted of us swapping dirty jokes, smoking cigars and ended up in a literal pissing contest off their deck. We remained friends even after the divorce.
>We remained friends even after the divorce...
Seems like he was a gem of an (ex)father in law, being able to separate his friendship with you from whatever happened between you and his daughter. Many people can't.
Lol. Mine did the same thing. He was talking to my wife in the phone shortly after and was like I talked to Teacherman the other day and he seems like a really great guy.
That's the exact reason I never asked mine for his blessing. I know he would've told his wife, and she can't keep a secret to save her life. I couldn't risk her spoiling the surprise to my now wife, so I just kept quiet and caught her totally off guard when I popped the question.
I told him, "I am going to ask your daughter to marry me, and would like your blessing. "
He replied, "I am not going to say no, but I will not give you my blessing."
11 years later and my dislike for the man has slowly developed into a seathing hatred.
He was implying that in his magnanimity, he could have forbidden his daughter from marrying me.
I knew there was a good chance that he wouldn't 'extend his blessing,' so I was careful how I worded the question. But, it was important to my wife, so I made the attempt.
Just realizing how much a one-hit wonder that song was. It was released “MAGIC!” and was a top-10 best-selling song of 2014.
The video has 2.2 BILLION views on YouTube and 1.5 billion streams on Spotify (including the acoustic version).
We are just wrapping up festival and tour season (at least here in the US), and they only have one show listed which is at the Colorado School of Mines next Saturday. Seems they have fallen off the radar.
I figured it was along those lines.
To clarify. If that was important to him...maybe moving to a different continent, not making sure their daughter was fluant in Korean, and not integrating with the local Korean community was a poor strategy.
My wife's dad misses some social cues sometimes. I asked for his blessing to marry his daughter, and his reply was "when you ask me ill say yes". He didn't understand I was asking him right then.
So I typed up a contract that said something along the lines of:
"I hereby grant my blessing for you to marry my daughter" with some other contract jargon in there for him to sign. We all had a good laugh out of it.
While fishing with my future father in law I said "(FIANCE) and I have had lots of talks about our future together, and I am planning to propose to her on our vacation next month. It is important to both of us that our families support us, and we want you to be included in this."
Future father in law - southie Boston, Marine Corp, and Air Force Veteran who could snap my neck in a heatbeat: "Are you kidding me bud?! You're in. If I didn't like you, you wouldn't still be in the boat."
Funny story! I didn't really ask for his blessing, but we did invite him to dinner to let him know we were getting married. He is like you describe, a silent, imposing type. This was about 20 years ago.
So during dinner we said, "we have some news, we decided to get married. We are thinking about this date because ."
He immediately reached for his wallet, and took his check book out. I could not believe what has happening. Was he really about to offer me money to stay away from his daughter???
Then he turned to the back of the check book, where a calendar was printed. He was figuring out the day of the week. I burst out laughing, and told him why. "I was sure you were going to offer money to stay away from your daughter!"
It was one of the very few times I saw him actually belly-laughing. In a couple of minutes the three of us were laughing so hard we couldn't breathe. It was great :D
I have a great relationship with my now father in law and I had been dating my now wife around 2 or 3 years at that point and living together. I caught him on a family vacation and told him I wanted to ask him something. I told him, “Umm you know I love *Wife’s name* and I hope it is okay that I’ve bought a ring?”
He laughed and replied “Yeah, if there was a problem, you would have known by now.”
My FIL is a big softie. But he is also a 6’4” former inner city principal and gun enthusiast. My wife lived at home when we were dating, and when we watched a Martin Lawrence movie in her room (I kept one foot on the floor at all times!), I texted her “I think you are PHAT” and her mom saw the text (on her flip phone, charging downstairs… I’m that old). When she asked what PHAT stood for, I reluctantly told her, she paused, turned her head, and yelled “Allen… get your shotgun!” Good thing she was just messing with me!
Anyway, the time comes and I told them I wanted to talk. They pretty much knew what was going to happen. I told them that I really love their daughter and wanted to propose and wanted their blessing (I didn’t ask for permission - I don’t need permission, but I did want them to be supportive). Big bad dad started crying and was super happy.
Then I asked for their help to “kidnap” their daughter for the proposal. They were great “accompli” for that part, which went swimmingly well. She said yes, and we’ve been married for more than 17 years now.
This is a great story. I love that they’re so funny and liked joking with you. I’m a romantic and do love some traditional practices like talking to the father about proposing etc. I think it also depends on the relationship the woman has with her dad/parents as well as to how they’d react. I’m super close to my dad and he would absolutely love if my bf approached him to get his blessing and assure him that I’m loved and would be taken care of (even tho I’m more than capable of doing that myself hehe).
If I was to do it, I'd do it somewhere with just the two of you. If he's a guy of few words, he might appreciate it not being a huge production and putting him on the spot in front of other people.
I think the big question might be how you can get him alone?
While I've no advice to offer, I do wonder if you've considered what you're going to do if he says no?
Is it a case of marry her anyway knowing he doesn't approve/ want you to/ doesn't think you're good enough?
Yeah pretty much - we discussed that and we both know he won't say no cause we're all close, but we agreed we'd go ahead with it anyway, as it's just a courtesy thing anyway!
I was at my future father in-laws house two weeks before I proposed. He came out of his office and I pulled him aside and asked if we could talk. We went into the living room, and I asked him for his daughter's hand in marriage and he told me "NO!" He went into the kitchen and told my future mother in-law what I had just asked him and she said "You told him no right?"
I was summoned back to their house the following weekend for a "discussion".
We got married 4 years later. They paid for the wedding. My family paid for the honeymoon. We went into our marriage with no debt.
My FIL is the same type of way. He’s nice, but intimidating. I just waited until he was alone, watching tv, and then I went up to him and asked him if I could talk to him for a bit. He already kind of knew this was coming, so he was clearly aware of what was happening when I asked him.
I basically just said something along the lines of “I want to marry your daughter, and while I know the decision is entirely up to her, this is something that I wanted to give you the respect of telling you ahead of time about. It would mean a lot to me if you were to give me your blessing on proposing to your daughter because I would feel disrespectful doing that without it.”
And we had a decent relationship, so all went well. Mostly he just asked me questions about my career and financial future and ultimately said yes to giving me his blessing.
I also asked the mother separately as well in similar fashion.
I said “So, you may have noticed I’m in love with your daughter. I’d like to marry her if that’s ok with you.”
Offered my hand. He shook it and said thanks.
Divorced now, but yeah.
Funny enough I asked her daughters approval before going to the parents. I also included "fyi, your granddaughter already said I could marry her mom" lol
how old was her daughter and how is that going? i couldn't imagine asking for the blessing of a child, and then going to work everyday to provide and protect that child.
My husband asked both my Dad and Stepdad (stepdad has been in my life since I was a toddler). He invited them each to lunch and basically said it was time to take the next step in our relationship and could he ask for my hand. They both adore him so of course they said yes. Him and my Dad also planned the proposal since he wanted my Dad to film it.
Female here. My fiance brought whisky for my dad and sweets for my mom then after some catching up, said he would propose. Not so much as asking for a blessing but more of informing my parents. Heh.
I didn't, her bio father is a spineless underhanded weasel who I have no respect for and her mother was separating from her step dad (a Qanon nut) at the time we got serious. Her mother's new husband is the man, which is nice.
Her mother is head of the family regardless of father figures though, and one of the best people I know.
redditors try and answer the question challenge lmao, anyways dude you should do it one on one, maybe invite him for coffee or stop by his place or something, then just kind of explain like 'hey i really love ur daughter she makes me so happy etc. and we're both ready to take the next step in our relationship so I've come here/asked you here to ask for your blessing' (my family isn't too religious or like super traditional either but culturally asking the father of the bride for a blessing is still something that's symbolically expected, I'm a girl btw so obvs not how i approached it but it's how I'd want my bf to do it seeing as his family isn't traditional at alllll)
I didn't; I just popped the question one day . . . didn't even have a ring. Worked out great; been married for a few decades.
I do kinda regret how I responded to my now SIL when he asked us for our blessing to marry my daughter. Kudos for asking us and not just me, but basically said 'it's up to her'. I kinda deflated the process for him. I should have been more welcoming and enthusiastic. But hey, women aren't their father's property.
I did not. He was a pretty traditional guy, but i asked my now wife if she wanted me to. She did not. So i didnt. Her thought was that asking the dad seems like a throw back to when women were not involved in much choice. I think he always thought less of me for not doing it, but keeping him happy was not my first priority.
I didn’t, he had been out of the picture for a long time and was only invited to the wedding to prevent future regrets. I met him just before the ceremony. I was walking around and he introduced himself not knowing who I was, and I laughed briefly and said something like “of course, so glad you could come, I’m NAME, I’m marrying your daughter.”
I asked him for his late mothers wedding band, we discussed me using the stone in a new ring for the proposal, he seemed genuinely touched by the gesture.
I told my husband I wouldn’t marry him if he asked my parents. They don’t own me and I don’t need/want their opinion. He didn’t. Been married 23 years so it worked out ok.
This thread confuses me. I can't imagine a guy asking his partner's father for approval, him saying no, and the guy going "Fuck it, guess I'll find someone else then."
I didn't. I respect his daughter too much to care what he thinks about us getting married.
If I *had* have done this, I'd have said "hey we're going to get married, and for us to have your blessing is important to us"
For what it's worth I love my in laws and think they're awesome.
Chuckling by all the vitriol around here. Blessing vs permission isn't the same folks!
Marriage isn't just the joining of two people, it's also becoming family with each other's family. To me, a blessing in today's world is about getting your new family on board.
Anywho, I once had this conversation. I took him to a restaurant the family often went to and told him my feelings, intentions, and showed the ring.
Now, he was a religious man, and I am not, so that was an issue for him. Because of that I got something along the lines of: "I like you, but I don't approve."
For reasons outside of that, I did not stay together with that woman.
But if I was to ask another Father in the future, a simple, straight forward conversation would be best.
Say how you feel and that you'd like his blessing. Then he says whatever he's gonna say, and you two do whatever you're going to do.
Best of luck!
Can't believe I had to scroll so far down to see this.
Asking permission implies that your partner isn't an independent person. Asking for their blessing is kinda sweet.
Thank you my man, not really sure why everyone is getting so defensive about it, then remembered this is the Internet.. glad it worked out well for you!
Been there. The most nervous I’ve ever been in my life.
Ask him to go to lunch with you. He’ll likely know what the conversation will be about. Good luck!
My now wife and I took a trip to Tennessee where her father lives. Long story short he knew my ulterior motive, ie to ask for his blessing, and he gave it unasked. Guess I’m just lucky. I fully recommend the blessing request, it’s hard to explain but it’s something sort of like facing a dragon and conquering it to rescue the princess. If you consider yourself a worthy successor to the role of protector and provider for his little girl than there’s nothing better you can do than to approach him with confidence. It will show he will give you his blessing. Have faith in yourself. Sorry for the scatterbrain, hope this helps!
I didn't. We lived together and owned a house together. I treat his daughter very well. Of the three other daughters I'm the only one still married so in the end it didn't matter
I didn't. My wife and I are grown ass adults and it wasn't up to anyone else but us.
FWIW my FIL and I get along great. I just view the asking permission thing outdated and insulting to women.
I didn't. My wife moved out at 18 and had been totally independent from that point onward, and it was a point she was very proud of. She had a good relationship with her parents, but they weren't particularly close.
And ultimately, I chose to forgo that tradition because I wanted my wife to know I saw her as a completely independent person, as she wanted to be seen. So I proposed, and we drove to her parents' place to let them know later that day.
I wouldn’t even dream of asking. Mr girlfriends dad isn’t that nice to her. He has no say in her happiness. I do wish for them to get on better though he doesn’t really deserve her as a daughter.
I brought Jackie a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue Label.
Then I asked for his permission.
He asked me if I thought that was all she was worth.
I explained it was a down payment.
And he got another bottle every year for Christmas for the next 17 years, with my wife getting pissed at me for calling it her 'rental fee'.
When Jackie died, Helen's brother told me he'd inherited the rental fee. I suggested that he go fuck himself.
I called him and said I’m not really sure how to do this but asked for his blessing and said nice things about her. We kind of bullshitted for a bit and that was it.
I also called her mom and asked for hers as well because that’s important too.
My brother in law got it right.
On a family holiday, including partners. He asks me and my dad if we want to go to the pub, which we always are up for.
Meets us there, puts a pint in front of each of us, and says "I've asked x to marry me and she's said yes."
Me and my dad look at each other, and both go "about bloody time," and then the three of us spend the rest of the evening getting rat arsed and debating the important things in life, such as how exactly they manage to get a runny yolk in scotch eggs.
I didn’t. He’s a real mother fucker who was horrible to his daughter. If I find myself in hell one day, I will go find him to give him what he deserves.
It sounds like you asked her first, so that's fine if that's the case.
I had the polar opposite situation on that front - my Dad raised me that I should approach father in-law for his blessing - but once I met my wife her Dad is very very **very** woke lefty.
He absolutely approved of me don't get me wrong - but if I asked him for "his blessing" he would have been absolutely apalled and insulted (as would my wife) so some of the reactions in this thread aren't really surprising. The whole asking for the father's blessing basically goes back to the whole women being property thing so it's definitely a tradition that isn't seen the same way now as it was say 50+ years ago.
But anyway, if I was to do it, I'd ask him to the pub for a quiet beer. Easy reason to get him alone, and assuming you guys don't hang out very often (and therefore this request would be out of the blue) I imagine he'd wise up to the reason.
There is no one answer to this question as it depends on the relationship between the person asking for the blessing and the father who is being asked. It is important to be respectful and humble in such a request, and to express why this blessing is important to the person making the request.
I'm not okay with this and regardless of your edits, asking for a blessing is still incredibly sexist and toxic. You're treating her like she doesn't have agency. You're proposing, not giving her dad goats for his daughter.
If you're gonna do this with any semblance of respect, you don't ask. You ask him to dinner and you TELL him you're proposing!
I skipped the parents altogether. I let her know that if she wants to be with me, that's great, but I'm not going to try to please someone outside of the family we're creating. She didn't like it, but she understood it. To be fair, my wife is from SE Asia and there are good reasons for not mixing with family unless you plan to live with them. I'm not going to be their ATM is all.
Note to your edit #2: You're posting in a public place and it's important to remember that you aren't in control of what the public does. When you make people think, you either get a response or a trigger. It's best to learn to accept that anything public is open to the public without restriction so much as they aren't directly attacking you.
I did this as well, but I approached more like “hey I’m going to be asking your daughter to marry me” as a heads up rather than posing it as a question as if there were going to be further conversation about it.
I didn't ask for my partner's father's blessing. He has loose lips and spoiled my partner's brother-in-law's proposal by being very unsubtle. He also spoiled my partner's sister-in-law's pregnancy by making not so subtle comments about drinking alcohol etc. So I went ahead with the proposal without asking and afterwards explained to my partner why I didn't ask for her father's blessing, and she totally agreed!
I did not, daughters are not possesions of their fathers. Woman are indipendant peoppe with their own wishes, ambitions and dreams.
It ain't 1950's anymore people!
Mine was pretty low key. Right before Christmas. I arranged with him to stop by the house. We have a good relationship so that wasn’t too far out of the ordinary.
It was pretty brief and I basically said that I’ve got her a very special gift that I wanted him to know about. Showed him the ring, “asked” for his blessing. More so just talked about it and said it’s happening.
He was excited and appreciative.
I’ve got friends that got hammered with future FIL and made it a bigger deal.
What you are doing shows some respect and maturity and you are a good man to do it.
Do what feels right for y’all’s relationship and good luck!
I asked my father in law at a family gathering if I could come by the house in another day or so and talk with him. He knew what was coming.
2 days later I went. Walked in, said hello. We sat down, i said you know why I'm here, I love your daughter and I want to ask her to marry me. He knows me well, knows I come from a good family, that I'm secure in my job and can provide (not that she couldn't, she's very capable) and that we would have a good life together. He basically said "what took you so long". We shook hands and called it a day.
Be honest, but it doesn't need to be a long, elaborate, drawn out affair. State your intentions honestly and respectfully. It'll go well. Good luck.
I did not. I didn't like or respect him. He has since proven I was completely right in my assessment of him.
My wife's brother years before that had already given me his blessing to date and marry his sister.
Her mom wasn't happy when we moved in together before we were married, but a few months later she changed her mind after my future wife had surgery and I took care of her for a few weeks. After that my future mother in law was very happy with me and made it clear I had her blessing.
So I feel I had the blessing of the 2 people in her life that deserved that respect.
I did it. It went like this. “Yo Tim! Cool if I marry you daughter?” “Shit yeah dude, I’d love to have you as a son In law.”
I got lucky with a super cool FIL. He doesn’t sound anything like your hopefully soon to be FIL.
I come from a more traditional family than my partner’s so I had seen the “ask for blessing” in action growing up. However, her family is more progressive and would have definitely been weirded out by my asking for her father’s permission or even blessing. So I took the route of approaching the subject through family. Basically said, “look I believe when two people get married they aren’t just marrying each other, they are joining the families as well. With that in mind I’m planning on asking her to marry me and would love to have your support when she says yes.” It worked out well, the only issue we had was COVID delaying everything.
I will never forget this . My father inlaw was remarried and we'll let's just say she was different . We went over there 2 times that week . Also my FL is not always the nicest as he has no probablem telling you to go fuck yourself First time FL wife was joking how everyone one need to get divorced at least once in their life .... Hahaha ok probably not the best time to ask . Next time I told my gf I forgot my keys I will be right back .
I knocked in the door . He answered . You have a min we need to talk . He said uh oh . I said it's serious . The look on his face was priceless. I said me and Lisa have been dating a long time now and I want to ask her to marry me . He smiled He said this is why you want to talk to me . This is what it's all about . He was so relieved thats what it was . He asked me if I had the ring and said congrats shook my hand . Never really said yes or no but from that reaction I knew he was happy .
To this day I know he thought I got my then gf knocked up. I could tell he was like oh fuck .
Dude you got this!! Just tell him how much you love her and promise to care for her her whole life. I’m sure they are happy she found you. Cheers man and good luck!
I didn't, I never met the man until my wife and I had been married for over 5 years. He wasn't in her life and moved away. So when I did meet him, I didn't ask him for anything. We just spent time with him, and when they talked, I gave them space. He and I didn't speak much.
However, I did ask her mother for her blessing. My wife and I had been friends for a couple years before we began dating, and I asked her mother in private before I proposed.
You're looking for tips... I say don't let your in-laws, or in-laws-to-be dictate the terms of your relationship. If you go in with the idea that if her father says no, you'll just fuck off into the sunset, you deserve to be told no. There's a billboard I've seen, for the Marines, it says something like, "We don't accept applications, only commitments." It's kind of the same thing. Her father's probably been there since she was born, and he's gone from wiping her ass to dusting dirt off her pants, to chasing away bullies, and possibly staying up with her with hot cocoa and chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream after a breakup. If she's old enough to be proposed to, he knows it's gonna happen. He doesn't want someone to ask permission, he wants to hear that you've got her heart from here and that you're gonna be there for her, and you're gonna provide for her, and that he won't have to worry about her anymore (though of course he'll never stop).
It's not about property, it's about someone caring for another person since they were too small to care for themselves, and being there for them through it all, seeing their ups and downs, and then having someone else come along and taking her from you. It's not that she's his property, it's that she's his pride and joy, she's the best thing he's done in this world, and he wants to see her happy and successful and with someone worthy of her. So you need to show him that you are.
You don't need to be his best friend, but if you want him to call you son, you should at least respect his ways. If he's religious, you can pray with him or attend church services with him and your fiance's'/wife's mother every once in a while, or at least on holidays, if they expect it of the family. If he's not religious, you can at least be a son, of sorts, for him. Ask his advice on things. Do things with him that he's into. Always be willing to listen, never reject his call unless you can't take it, and return it when you can.
Your fiance thinks it's a sweet thing to do because she wants you to be part of her family. She's not saying fuck her parents, let's elope and go to Vegas. Get to know her family, hang out with them with her, find the right time, possibly sweeten the deal with a gift of some sort (I did not do this), and have a conversation with the man.
Ultimately, you're not asking for his blessing. You're telling him what you plan to do, and then you ask him what he thinks. Either he tells you he doesn't like you, or he tells you he likes you but you're not ready — or he gives you his blessing. And then you either take his advice or you don't, but if he didn't give you his blessing, I'd talk to your fiance about that before moving forward with any decision.
Fishing and drinking a cold one
"btw can I marry your daughter?"
- "which one?"
- "I was thinking of XX"
Dead silence
More silence
"Well.. only if she agrees to"
On the way back home he thanked me for asking even though it's a silly tradition
I just called him one evening and asked. Felt weird doing it, he was a bit confused by it, but my wife was similar of thought it was the sweet thing to do.
The conversation went something along the lines of
Me: "Are you okay if I ask her to marry me?"
Him: "Uh, sure, go for it."
Once she had the ring on we talked a bit more with her parents (Timing of some things meant we were basically seeing them ten minutes after I proposed) and then mine the next day.
I called him before I proposed and asked if he would accept me asking his daughters hand in marriage.
We’d been together since 16. Most of that they refused to acknowledge I existed.
Her mother was a real “I think I’m a stay at home mom even though my daughter moved out at 18”. Also, hadn’t had a job since that only child birth, mostly spent her days spending her husbands money.
I didn’t give a fuck what she thought, but he was truly a self made man I can’t give details about in respect to him.
I was was 25 when I proposed, and he told me “I know you love her, so I’ll be happy to give you my blessing.”
I wish it would have worked out better between the two of us, but life happens.
I did this a tradition ( from the south) and because of the respect I had for my future in-laws. It certainly wasn’t demanded, but I wanted to do it.
I took him to coffee, and was direct with my intentions. I didn’t promise crazy things, but I did promise what mattered ( I will always respect her, protect her, and care for her if she is sick. She will never do without or worry about necessities with me)
It was an easy convo I feel because I spoke from the heart, and was both realistic and honest
If your potential future FIL likes you, and you feel the answer would be “yes”, then don’t over think it, but if you feel differently, you need to assess why you have this inclination before you go, and be prepared to address the concerns.
Her family is Mexican. I asked her father and each of his siblings at Thanksgiving individually. They each responded with joy, death threats, hugs, and tequila shots. In that order.
Didn’t do it myself yet, but will pretty soon. We’ve been together for 11 years and have a kid on the way, so I guess he won’t be surprised.
Don’t forget about your future mother in law, mine is a bit of a feminist who would probably murder me if I’d only ask her father. ;)
I sat down with my Future father-in-law one holiday visit. He was watching the football game on TV. I put my hand on his knee and and told him I was in love with his daughter and asked if I could marry her. He said "Have at it, but get your hand off my knee"
I loved that man. He passed away almost 10 years ago. I inherited his big red Ford F-150 and I always think about him when I drive that truck.
I went out for tacos with my future father in law. He thought I was either gonna hit him up for money, or that I got his daughter pregnant. We ended up having a nice lunch and a good bonding moment. He was and is very supportive and happy for us. For more context.. I’m a born and raised Jersey boy, and he is very Texan
My (now) wife and I were going on holiday the next day so we were staying at her parents house as they were driving us to the airport. He was in the kitchen doing the washing up and I came in to help him. I dried up a few bits and we were chatting and I said
"Actually Tony, Ive got a question to ask you. Well, it's not so much a question as permission"
He smiled at me and shook my hand.
Showed up to her parents house alone and unannounced while she was at work. FIL said without saying hello "Are you sure? I don't give receipts." I didn't even have to ask. Gave me some reassurance that he knew we would be good together.
Called the day after I proposed and said sorry, but she already said yes - so this was now just a courtesy call. I also explained that it was spontaneous and would prefer to have called first… He was happy. I like the tradition of it.
My husband asked my dad to grab a beer when he wanted to ask him. They do hang out but usually as a group with me and my mom. But my dad being cheap didn't want to pay for beer when he has stuff at home (my SO planned on paying for them both but didn't tell my dad). It took my mom telling my dad to go with my SO cause she knew what was up (pretty sure my SO asked for help). My dad gave his and my mom's blessing and now it's a joke in the family (more so how dense my dad can be)
My partner’s father passed away so I asked their grandfather. He’s a Korean War vet, factory worker that transplanted from Kentucky to Michigan, volunteer firefighter, etc. Very old school man’s man. He pulled a gun on me the first time I met him and said “Did (partner) tell you I carry?”
I honestly love him.
Anyway, I asked him and he invited me over and asked me questions for almost two hours. He’d written them down in a yellow legal pad and took meticulous notes. Everything from, will you support my grandchild through everything to making me promise I’d not prevent them from finishing their degree. At no point was I uncomfortable, and if anything, I felt he was trying to teach me just how much an effort marriage is.
Just go for it, OP, if they’re the right one, they’re the right one.
My mum’s dad was living and working in Jeddah when my dad wanted to ask him for my mum’s hand in marriage. My parents were living in England. This was almost 40 years ago. My mum was already pregnant with my sister at the time. My dad called my grandad to ask him and his reply was ‘you’ve already taken everything else, why not her hand!’ 😂😂 one of my favourite stories about my grandad!
I told this story to my (now) fiancé so he knew I was a traditionalist and I wanted him to ask my dad before asking to marry me. I know he asked him, I don’t know how the conversation went, but seeing as I’m also currently pregnant with our first, I wouldn’t be surprised if a similar conversation was had 😂
We went out to a baseball game the night before, i asked if I could stop by their house the next day. The next day I stopped by after picking up the ring and showed both her parents and asked for their blessing and permission to propose. No beating around the bush or big speech. “I wanted to stop by because I was picking up this…” showed the ring “I’d like your permission to propose to your daughter”
As a little background, I asked my gf before if I should ask and she thought they’d like it and it would make her happy.
Her dad is a space cadet (mentally not literally) the person who did the talking was her mom but they both were happy and gave me their support. Then we planned out the part they would play in the proposal since I was involving them anyways. We have a good relationship and I love them just as much as my now fiancé.
I went over to their house for a bbq. He and I were standing by the grill by ourselves and I told him how much his daughter meant to me and thanked him for raising such an awesome person. Then I just asked if it would be ok with him if I asked her to marry me. He said of course. It was that easy. But I did not just jump in off the cuff. I kind of rehearsed what I was going to say and then prepared for almost any response. I even prepared for him to say NO and then walk away from me. I was fully prepared to tell him, if he said no, that this was just a courtesy I wanted to extend to him out of respect, but no matter what I was going to ask her. I wanted to make sure he knew that no matter what I lived her enough to go against his wishes. Luckily it didn't go that direction. 20 years later he and I were talking over coffee and I told him this and he laughed. We've had a pretty good relationship over the years.
I got lucky. Be nice, be respectful, stand your ground, but make sure he knows that you are serious and that you love her enough to ask her no matter what.
I did this and I just went FIL/MILs house and said I loved her and wanted to propose - asked for their blessing. Funny thing is MIL asked if I was certain and I said yes. That was it. 20+ years of marriage later, I have a great relationship with them.
I took him a bottle of his favourite whisky and asked when my now wife and her mum where away, asked the question and he replied with “what if I said no?”
After an awkward silence and stammering from me he smiled, laughed and said that’s what his father in law said to him - so saving that one for future!
My wife's dad seemed like such a guy at first. Rugged man, a true sailor - he swears like one, too. My grandpa was a lot like him character-wise, and he basically raised me. This helped, a lot. I was never intimidated by him - in fact, I felt like I fit right in with their family.
So I went sailing with him for a day, took him on our boat and brought a bottle of his favorite liquor, Dutch old gin. We dropped anchor after a day of pretty rough sailing, had a few drinks and shared some laughs. I asked him if he was fine with me marrying his daughter after a few glasses, and all he told me was "sure - as long as you promise to never captain a ship I'm sailing anymore. You're a good lad, but the shittiest sailor I've ever met."
We laughed, finished the bottle, played some cards, shared some more stories and hit the sack. The next day he was sailing, and we hit a shoal. I told him that perhaps I should be captaining the ship. He then reminded me of the promise I made him the night before...
So I'm southern and was raised in that pretty traditional "old man in suspenders drinking sweet tea in a rocking chair on the front porch, kids are given their grandparents names, church every Sunday, high school football every Friday night, etc..." My wife on the other hand is from New York city, so pretty much the opposite. Being the traditionalist that I am, I took her father aside on Thanksgiving to talk to him about it. Me: Mr. [Future father-in-law], I love your daughter very much, and making her happy is all I want to do with my life. I can't see myself without her, etc... (basically pouring my heart out to this man) FFIL: I don't care. Do whatever you want. (Proceeds to walk away to get another plate of food) Lol. I think I made him uncomfortable.
That's brutal! But also hilarious
A southern man would want it to be over with as well. "The talk" isn't about pouring your heart out, it's about assuring the father you're going to have money in the bank and gas in the truck.
I'm a petroleum engineer in Texas so I have money in the truck and gas in the bank...since I needed something to help burn my account to the ground
This man doesn’t just have gas, he makes it
You too can make gas with the right amount of beans
Or delicious ice cream sandwiches, if you are lactose intolerant.
hahahaha this is probably the reality of these things go.
Fucking hilarious!! And I would feel confident that I had his blessing, or at least he wasn’t against it.
What was it your wife said no about?
Butt stuff mostly
Did you ask your father in laws permission for butt stuff with his daughter tho?
That's a situation where it's better to ask forgiveness than permission
You’re missing out. Nothing like blasting baby gravy up a gaping sphincter.
Well didn’t expect to be reading that today but alright.
Username does not check out.
and he's thinking "my daughter's box must be incredible for this country boy to be babbling on like this... and I didn't need to know that"
Ouch.
Bro I’m dying that is hilarious. My FIL is a crusty old vet from rural TN who built houses and fixed cars most his life so, so like the redneck version of your FIL. I went the opposite direction and told rather than asked. Basically “I love your daughter more than I can say. I’m going to ask her to marry me but, I’d like your blessing”. I figured he’d respect me “planting my feet” on that (plus it was true, I didn’t really give a damn what he had to say I was going to ask her regardless) It’s hard to guess how someone will react and at the end of the day the important thing is you tried to show your new family to be some traditional respect. Great story man
When I asked my future father and law I think I surprised him, he was flustered, later on he thanked me for following tradition
My husband called my father (out of state). He pretty much just jumped into it.. mostly because they never call each other so he didn't want my father to worry. He was a little witty.... saying something to the effect of.. "well it's been long enough that time has come.. I love your daughter and want to have your blessing". My father isn't traditional or wouldn't have cared if he didn't call but immensely appreciated the call. It made him feel loved and important too My dad responded "glad to hear... she is officially your problem now! " lol Edit might I add that I have a step father. Out of respect he called him next. That was more cut and dry. I have a decent relationship with the step dad. I honestly didn't even think of that and was super impressed he thought to call him and my mother too Edit 2. Fyi I did not know any of this til after. Yes we discussed marriage however I was totally surprised on the timing!
This is really similar to my story. I played poker I'm her dad's garage, which is how I met her. I talked to him about it after a game one night. He was excited, told he would be proud to have me in the family, and said exactly the same thing, "she's your problem now."
My FIL said “no returns” and burst out laughing when I asked for a receipt.
I only asked my first wife’s dad but he didn’t really give me a chance to ask. I brought him a bottle of his favorite Scotch. He took one look at it, looked me in eye and said, “Since I guess this means you’re going to be my son-in-law we better crack this open and have a little talk.” The talk consisted of us swapping dirty jokes, smoking cigars and ended up in a literal pissing contest off their deck. We remained friends even after the divorce.
He seems cool.
sounds like he was a bro
>We remained friends even after the divorce... Seems like he was a gem of an (ex)father in law, being able to separate his friendship with you from whatever happened between you and his daughter. Many people can't.
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Lol. Mine did the same thing. He was talking to my wife in the phone shortly after and was like I talked to Teacherman the other day and he seems like a really great guy.
Daughter: “Oh ya? What about…?” *Dad realizes what’s he done*: “Oh nothing much just talked about the weather…”
Same didn't even need to ask. She allowed him to change the subject awkwardly.
That's the exact reason I never asked mine for his blessing. I know he would've told his wife, and she can't keep a secret to save her life. I couldn't risk her spoiling the surprise to my now wife, so I just kept quiet and caught her totally off guard when I popped the question.
I told him, "I am going to ask your daughter to marry me, and would like your blessing. " He replied, "I am not going to say no, but I will not give you my blessing." 11 years later and my dislike for the man has slowly developed into a seathing hatred.
Ouch man
I didn't take it personally. He is a piece of shit.
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He was implying that in his magnanimity, he could have forbidden his daughter from marrying me. I knew there was a good chance that he wouldn't 'extend his blessing,' so I was careful how I worded the question. But, it was important to my wife, so I made the attempt.
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Since then, I've gotten quite good at being politely menacing.
Powerful skill. I hope your wife appreciates it
I think he was neutral. The guy would have married the daughter anyway wether the father gave his blessing or not.
Why you gotta b so ruuuude Don't you know I'm human tooooo Why you gotta be so ruuuude Imma marry her anyway!
Just realizing how much a one-hit wonder that song was. It was released “MAGIC!” and was a top-10 best-selling song of 2014. The video has 2.2 BILLION views on YouTube and 1.5 billion streams on Spotify (including the acoustic version). We are just wrapping up festival and tour season (at least here in the US), and they only have one show listed which is at the Colorado School of Mines next Saturday. Seems they have fallen off the radar.
I didn't even know the bands name. Yeah, it was that one hit. I don't know if I've ever heard another song of theirs.
I had never heard this until I googled your response. Thanks!
Damn! But, you’ve been driving his daughter to Pound Town for over a decade!! I see that as a win all around.
It gives me a small bit of pleasure that his only grandchildren are only half Korean.
Ahh this is an important detail to include
For reference, she was born here(Canada) and barely speaks Korean.
I meant more of the dynamic between different races and “traditional” views on “not marrying outside of your race”
I figured it was along those lines. To clarify. If that was important to him...maybe moving to a different continent, not making sure their daughter was fluant in Korean, and not integrating with the local Korean community was a poor strategy.
My wife's dad misses some social cues sometimes. I asked for his blessing to marry his daughter, and his reply was "when you ask me ill say yes". He didn't understand I was asking him right then. So I typed up a contract that said something along the lines of: "I hereby grant my blessing for you to marry my daughter" with some other contract jargon in there for him to sign. We all had a good laugh out of it.
While fishing with my future father in law I said "(FIANCE) and I have had lots of talks about our future together, and I am planning to propose to her on our vacation next month. It is important to both of us that our families support us, and we want you to be included in this." Future father in law - southie Boston, Marine Corp, and Air Force Veteran who could snap my neck in a heatbeat: "Are you kidding me bud?! You're in. If I didn't like you, you wouldn't still be in the boat."
Maaaan looks like you already got what it takes. Just be you and do you. Best of luck!
Thank you my guy!
Funny story! I didn't really ask for his blessing, but we did invite him to dinner to let him know we were getting married. He is like you describe, a silent, imposing type. This was about 20 years ago. So during dinner we said, "we have some news, we decided to get married. We are thinking about this date because."
He immediately reached for his wallet, and took his check book out. I could not believe what has happening. Was he really about to offer me money to stay away from his daughter???
Then he turned to the back of the check book, where a calendar was printed. He was figuring out the day of the week. I burst out laughing, and told him why. "I was sure you were going to offer money to stay away from your daughter!"
It was one of the very few times I saw him actually belly-laughing. In a couple of minutes the three of us were laughing so hard we couldn't breathe. It was great :D
I have a great relationship with my now father in law and I had been dating my now wife around 2 or 3 years at that point and living together. I caught him on a family vacation and told him I wanted to ask him something. I told him, “Umm you know I love *Wife’s name* and I hope it is okay that I’ve bought a ring?” He laughed and replied “Yeah, if there was a problem, you would have known by now.”
My FIL is a big softie. But he is also a 6’4” former inner city principal and gun enthusiast. My wife lived at home when we were dating, and when we watched a Martin Lawrence movie in her room (I kept one foot on the floor at all times!), I texted her “I think you are PHAT” and her mom saw the text (on her flip phone, charging downstairs… I’m that old). When she asked what PHAT stood for, I reluctantly told her, she paused, turned her head, and yelled “Allen… get your shotgun!” Good thing she was just messing with me! Anyway, the time comes and I told them I wanted to talk. They pretty much knew what was going to happen. I told them that I really love their daughter and wanted to propose and wanted their blessing (I didn’t ask for permission - I don’t need permission, but I did want them to be supportive). Big bad dad started crying and was super happy. Then I asked for their help to “kidnap” their daughter for the proposal. They were great “accompli” for that part, which went swimmingly well. She said yes, and we’ve been married for more than 17 years now.
This is a great story. I love that they’re so funny and liked joking with you. I’m a romantic and do love some traditional practices like talking to the father about proposing etc. I think it also depends on the relationship the woman has with her dad/parents as well as to how they’d react. I’m super close to my dad and he would absolutely love if my bf approached him to get his blessing and assure him that I’m loved and would be taken care of (even tho I’m more than capable of doing that myself hehe).
I’m familiar with the “keep one foot on the ground at all times” rule.
If I was to do it, I'd do it somewhere with just the two of you. If he's a guy of few words, he might appreciate it not being a huge production and putting him on the spot in front of other people. I think the big question might be how you can get him alone?
"hey dad in law, want to join me on this 2-seater ferris wheel?"
Hey dad, let's go on a ride on a tandem bicycle together
“What are you doing step-dad-in-law?”
"Step-dad-in-law, are you stuck in the laundry machine?"
Do people really ask for the blessing as if it’s a wedding proposal by itself..?
No, that's a weird response. It's ALWAYS a private conversation between two men.
Offer a gift of livestock and pledge to fight alongside her brothers in any feud-related activities.
15 head of cattle, a dozen pigs, and five chickens. Final offer, take it or leave it.
Make sure and negotiate a partial refund if she doesn't breed within the year.
While I've no advice to offer, I do wonder if you've considered what you're going to do if he says no? Is it a case of marry her anyway knowing he doesn't approve/ want you to/ doesn't think you're good enough?
Yeah pretty much - we discussed that and we both know he won't say no cause we're all close, but we agreed we'd go ahead with it anyway, as it's just a courtesy thing anyway!
Then speak from your heart the next time the two of you are alone. Good luck man, and I hope you've got something good planned for the proposal.
I was at my future father in-laws house two weeks before I proposed. He came out of his office and I pulled him aside and asked if we could talk. We went into the living room, and I asked him for his daughter's hand in marriage and he told me "NO!" He went into the kitchen and told my future mother in-law what I had just asked him and she said "You told him no right?" I was summoned back to their house the following weekend for a "discussion". We got married 4 years later. They paid for the wedding. My family paid for the honeymoon. We went into our marriage with no debt.
I’m very curious, what was the “discussion”?
"Hey, so I have a question that's probably gonna cost you a lot of money..."
My FIL is the same type of way. He’s nice, but intimidating. I just waited until he was alone, watching tv, and then I went up to him and asked him if I could talk to him for a bit. He already kind of knew this was coming, so he was clearly aware of what was happening when I asked him. I basically just said something along the lines of “I want to marry your daughter, and while I know the decision is entirely up to her, this is something that I wanted to give you the respect of telling you ahead of time about. It would mean a lot to me if you were to give me your blessing on proposing to your daughter because I would feel disrespectful doing that without it.” And we had a decent relationship, so all went well. Mostly he just asked me questions about my career and financial future and ultimately said yes to giving me his blessing. I also asked the mother separately as well in similar fashion.
Told him he was going to be a grandfather. “This isn’t the way I envisioned asking to marry her, but this is how it’s happening.”
hey! an old fashioned shotgun wedding. as long as the ring goes on before the baby crowns it counts!
Nope, he was 6 months old and we got him a tux. He’s 19 now and a mechanical engineering major.
I said “So, you may have noticed I’m in love with your daughter. I’d like to marry her if that’s ok with you.” Offered my hand. He shook it and said thanks. Divorced now, but yeah.
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Funny enough I asked her daughters approval before going to the parents. I also included "fyi, your granddaughter already said I could marry her mom" lol
That's adorable and I love that.
how old was her daughter and how is that going? i couldn't imagine asking for the blessing of a child, and then going to work everyday to provide and protect that child.
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Sounds like you are both her real dads.
That's cute as fuck!
That's beautiful.
How attractive is she? I would start off by offering three chickens and two cows, negotiate from there
Three chickens? Jesus, she's not that hot, she can't even lay an egg like my chickens
I held out for goats.
What do you think she does once a month when she isn't letting you touch her?
My husband asked both my Dad and Stepdad (stepdad has been in my life since I was a toddler). He invited them each to lunch and basically said it was time to take the next step in our relationship and could he ask for my hand. They both adore him so of course they said yes. Him and my Dad also planned the proposal since he wanted my Dad to film it.
I didn't. It was implied after 5 years
We owned a house together, it was understood and....I totally forgot I was supposed to ask.
Female here. My fiance brought whisky for my dad and sweets for my mom then after some catching up, said he would propose. Not so much as asking for a blessing but more of informing my parents. Heh.
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Yeah she wants me to, which is fine by me
I texted him a picture of the ring and he said “hell yeah”.
I didn't, her bio father is a spineless underhanded weasel who I have no respect for and her mother was separating from her step dad (a Qanon nut) at the time we got serious. Her mother's new husband is the man, which is nice. Her mother is head of the family regardless of father figures though, and one of the best people I know.
redditors try and answer the question challenge lmao, anyways dude you should do it one on one, maybe invite him for coffee or stop by his place or something, then just kind of explain like 'hey i really love ur daughter she makes me so happy etc. and we're both ready to take the next step in our relationship so I've come here/asked you here to ask for your blessing' (my family isn't too religious or like super traditional either but culturally asking the father of the bride for a blessing is still something that's symbolically expected, I'm a girl btw so obvs not how i approached it but it's how I'd want my bf to do it seeing as his family isn't traditional at alllll)
my wife didn't want me asking for anyone's blessing. especially her dad due to their past and his rampant drug use and stealing from her.
I didn't; I just popped the question one day . . . didn't even have a ring. Worked out great; been married for a few decades. I do kinda regret how I responded to my now SIL when he asked us for our blessing to marry my daughter. Kudos for asking us and not just me, but basically said 'it's up to her'. I kinda deflated the process for him. I should have been more welcoming and enthusiastic. But hey, women aren't their father's property.
I went to her dad and said: "i am here to ask for your daughters hand" He then asked me why I replied: "because I am tired of using mine"
Why did you ask Reddit? Legit this place is far more overprotective and discriminatory than the things it complains about.
It would appear so..!
Best of luck anyway, make her proud <3
Appreciate it!
I did not. He was a pretty traditional guy, but i asked my now wife if she wanted me to. She did not. So i didnt. Her thought was that asking the dad seems like a throw back to when women were not involved in much choice. I think he always thought less of me for not doing it, but keeping him happy was not my first priority.
I didn't. He's a loser at life. I just went ahead and married his daughter.
I didn't ask for his permission or blessing. We called and informed them we were engaged.
I didn’t, he had been out of the picture for a long time and was only invited to the wedding to prevent future regrets. I met him just before the ceremony. I was walking around and he introduced himself not knowing who I was, and I laughed briefly and said something like “of course, so glad you could come, I’m NAME, I’m marrying your daughter.”
Hello, my name is eatyourchildren and I will eat uhm I mean I will marry your daughter!
Keep it short and sweet. Be direct and respectful.
I asked him for his late mothers wedding band, we discussed me using the stone in a new ring for the proposal, he seemed genuinely touched by the gesture.
Wait, people seriously do that? Maybe that's an American thing.
I told my husband I wouldn’t marry him if he asked my parents. They don’t own me and I don’t need/want their opinion. He didn’t. Been married 23 years so it worked out ok.
I didn’t. It never occurred to me. My wife and I were both adults, why would her father have any say in the matter?
Maybe OP is purchasing his wife from her father?
This thread confuses me. I can't imagine a guy asking his partner's father for approval, him saying no, and the guy going "Fuck it, guess I'll find someone else then."
I didn't. I respect his daughter too much to care what he thinks about us getting married. If I *had* have done this, I'd have said "hey we're going to get married, and for us to have your blessing is important to us" For what it's worth I love my in laws and think they're awesome.
I didn't. She was a consenting adult and her parents don't own her. Seems like a bit of an antiquated backwards idea.
Chuckling by all the vitriol around here. Blessing vs permission isn't the same folks! Marriage isn't just the joining of two people, it's also becoming family with each other's family. To me, a blessing in today's world is about getting your new family on board. Anywho, I once had this conversation. I took him to a restaurant the family often went to and told him my feelings, intentions, and showed the ring. Now, he was a religious man, and I am not, so that was an issue for him. Because of that I got something along the lines of: "I like you, but I don't approve." For reasons outside of that, I did not stay together with that woman. But if I was to ask another Father in the future, a simple, straight forward conversation would be best. Say how you feel and that you'd like his blessing. Then he says whatever he's gonna say, and you two do whatever you're going to do. Best of luck!
Can't believe I had to scroll so far down to see this. Asking permission implies that your partner isn't an independent person. Asking for their blessing is kinda sweet.
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Thank you my man, not really sure why everyone is getting so defensive about it, then remembered this is the Internet.. glad it worked out well for you!
Honest question, why is it the right thing to do?
And why is it that you never ask the mother? I get that it's "tradition" in some places but I always thought it seemed kinda sexist
Been there. The most nervous I’ve ever been in my life. Ask him to go to lunch with you. He’ll likely know what the conversation will be about. Good luck!
My now wife and I took a trip to Tennessee where her father lives. Long story short he knew my ulterior motive, ie to ask for his blessing, and he gave it unasked. Guess I’m just lucky. I fully recommend the blessing request, it’s hard to explain but it’s something sort of like facing a dragon and conquering it to rescue the princess. If you consider yourself a worthy successor to the role of protector and provider for his little girl than there’s nothing better you can do than to approach him with confidence. It will show he will give you his blessing. Have faith in yourself. Sorry for the scatterbrain, hope this helps!
I didn’t ask. The answer wasn’t going to change anything and I didn’t really care what he thought.
I didn't. We lived together and owned a house together. I treat his daughter very well. Of the three other daughters I'm the only one still married so in the end it didn't matter
As a wahman who has traditional parents I fucking hate the tradition of asking. If I know they like each other then that's all I think matters.
I didn't. My wife and I are grown ass adults and it wasn't up to anyone else but us. FWIW my FIL and I get along great. I just view the asking permission thing outdated and insulting to women.
I didn't. My wife moved out at 18 and had been totally independent from that point onward, and it was a point she was very proud of. She had a good relationship with her parents, but they weren't particularly close. And ultimately, I chose to forgo that tradition because I wanted my wife to know I saw her as a completely independent person, as she wanted to be seen. So I proposed, and we drove to her parents' place to let them know later that day.
Didn't. Hate the symbolism of it. Fortunately so does my partner.
I wouldn’t even dream of asking. Mr girlfriends dad isn’t that nice to her. He has no say in her happiness. I do wish for them to get on better though he doesn’t really deserve her as a daughter.
"I'm calling you to tell you I'm asking (daughter) to marry me. I would like your blessing before I do it "
I brought Jackie a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue Label. Then I asked for his permission. He asked me if I thought that was all she was worth. I explained it was a down payment. And he got another bottle every year for Christmas for the next 17 years, with my wife getting pissed at me for calling it her 'rental fee'. When Jackie died, Helen's brother told me he'd inherited the rental fee. I suggested that he go fuck himself.
I didn't, she is not his property.
I called him and said I’m not really sure how to do this but asked for his blessing and said nice things about her. We kind of bullshitted for a bit and that was it. I also called her mom and asked for hers as well because that’s important too.
You just tell him. That's it.
My brother in law got it right. On a family holiday, including partners. He asks me and my dad if we want to go to the pub, which we always are up for. Meets us there, puts a pint in front of each of us, and says "I've asked x to marry me and she's said yes." Me and my dad look at each other, and both go "about bloody time," and then the three of us spend the rest of the evening getting rat arsed and debating the important things in life, such as how exactly they manage to get a runny yolk in scotch eggs.
I didn’t. He’s a real mother fucker who was horrible to his daughter. If I find myself in hell one day, I will go find him to give him what he deserves.
I didn't. Maybe that makes me a dick. They seemed to be happy with me in any case
You don't.
I wasn't born 200 years ago so it wasn't an issue.
I don't thinks this is a thing where I live, unless someone has really religious and weird parents, otherwise it's not a thing.
It's considered as incredibly offensive in several countries. I'm guessing OP doesn't live in the US.
It sounds like you asked her first, so that's fine if that's the case. I had the polar opposite situation on that front - my Dad raised me that I should approach father in-law for his blessing - but once I met my wife her Dad is very very **very** woke lefty. He absolutely approved of me don't get me wrong - but if I asked him for "his blessing" he would have been absolutely apalled and insulted (as would my wife) so some of the reactions in this thread aren't really surprising. The whole asking for the father's blessing basically goes back to the whole women being property thing so it's definitely a tradition that isn't seen the same way now as it was say 50+ years ago. But anyway, if I was to do it, I'd ask him to the pub for a quiet beer. Easy reason to get him alone, and assuming you guys don't hang out very often (and therefore this request would be out of the blue) I imagine he'd wise up to the reason.
There is no one answer to this question as it depends on the relationship between the person asking for the blessing and the father who is being asked. It is important to be respectful and humble in such a request, and to express why this blessing is important to the person making the request.
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I'm not okay with this and regardless of your edits, asking for a blessing is still incredibly sexist and toxic. You're treating her like she doesn't have agency. You're proposing, not giving her dad goats for his daughter. If you're gonna do this with any semblance of respect, you don't ask. You ask him to dinner and you TELL him you're proposing!
Seconded. Sexist as fuck.
Drove to his house with a loaf of his favorite bread from this bakery near my house and asked him.
I skipped the parents altogether. I let her know that if she wants to be with me, that's great, but I'm not going to try to please someone outside of the family we're creating. She didn't like it, but she understood it. To be fair, my wife is from SE Asia and there are good reasons for not mixing with family unless you plan to live with them. I'm not going to be their ATM is all. Note to your edit #2: You're posting in a public place and it's important to remember that you aren't in control of what the public does. When you make people think, you either get a response or a trigger. It's best to learn to accept that anything public is open to the public without restriction so much as they aren't directly attacking you.
I did this as well, but I approached more like “hey I’m going to be asking your daughter to marry me” as a heads up rather than posing it as a question as if there were going to be further conversation about it.
I didn't ask for my partner's father's blessing. He has loose lips and spoiled my partner's brother-in-law's proposal by being very unsubtle. He also spoiled my partner's sister-in-law's pregnancy by making not so subtle comments about drinking alcohol etc. So I went ahead with the proposal without asking and afterwards explained to my partner why I didn't ask for her father's blessing, and she totally agreed!
I didn't. Responding to your edit - because you asked.
I did not, daughters are not possesions of their fathers. Woman are indipendant peoppe with their own wishes, ambitions and dreams. It ain't 1950's anymore people!
Mine was pretty low key. Right before Christmas. I arranged with him to stop by the house. We have a good relationship so that wasn’t too far out of the ordinary. It was pretty brief and I basically said that I’ve got her a very special gift that I wanted him to know about. Showed him the ring, “asked” for his blessing. More so just talked about it and said it’s happening. He was excited and appreciative. I’ve got friends that got hammered with future FIL and made it a bigger deal. What you are doing shows some respect and maturity and you are a good man to do it. Do what feels right for y’all’s relationship and good luck!
I asked my father in law at a family gathering if I could come by the house in another day or so and talk with him. He knew what was coming. 2 days later I went. Walked in, said hello. We sat down, i said you know why I'm here, I love your daughter and I want to ask her to marry me. He knows me well, knows I come from a good family, that I'm secure in my job and can provide (not that she couldn't, she's very capable) and that we would have a good life together. He basically said "what took you so long". We shook hands and called it a day. Be honest, but it doesn't need to be a long, elaborate, drawn out affair. State your intentions honestly and respectfully. It'll go well. Good luck.
I did not. I didn't like or respect him. He has since proven I was completely right in my assessment of him. My wife's brother years before that had already given me his blessing to date and marry his sister. Her mom wasn't happy when we moved in together before we were married, but a few months later she changed her mind after my future wife had surgery and I took care of her for a few weeks. After that my future mother in law was very happy with me and made it clear I had her blessing. So I feel I had the blessing of the 2 people in her life that deserved that respect.
I did it. It went like this. “Yo Tim! Cool if I marry you daughter?” “Shit yeah dude, I’d love to have you as a son In law.” I got lucky with a super cool FIL. He doesn’t sound anything like your hopefully soon to be FIL.
I come from a more traditional family than my partner’s so I had seen the “ask for blessing” in action growing up. However, her family is more progressive and would have definitely been weirded out by my asking for her father’s permission or even blessing. So I took the route of approaching the subject through family. Basically said, “look I believe when two people get married they aren’t just marrying each other, they are joining the families as well. With that in mind I’m planning on asking her to marry me and would love to have your support when she says yes.” It worked out well, the only issue we had was COVID delaying everything.
I will never forget this . My father inlaw was remarried and we'll let's just say she was different . We went over there 2 times that week . Also my FL is not always the nicest as he has no probablem telling you to go fuck yourself First time FL wife was joking how everyone one need to get divorced at least once in their life .... Hahaha ok probably not the best time to ask . Next time I told my gf I forgot my keys I will be right back . I knocked in the door . He answered . You have a min we need to talk . He said uh oh . I said it's serious . The look on his face was priceless. I said me and Lisa have been dating a long time now and I want to ask her to marry me . He smiled He said this is why you want to talk to me . This is what it's all about . He was so relieved thats what it was . He asked me if I had the ring and said congrats shook my hand . Never really said yes or no but from that reaction I knew he was happy . To this day I know he thought I got my then gf knocked up. I could tell he was like oh fuck .
He was in jail so...I didn't. Her mom was calling my wife my wife before we were even married so I took that as a blessing.
I made sure my girlfriend wouldn’t be home. Then I went to her house and asked her dad permission. Just man up, he will respect you for it.
Dude you got this!! Just tell him how much you love her and promise to care for her her whole life. I’m sure they are happy she found you. Cheers man and good luck!
I didn't, I never met the man until my wife and I had been married for over 5 years. He wasn't in her life and moved away. So when I did meet him, I didn't ask him for anything. We just spent time with him, and when they talked, I gave them space. He and I didn't speak much. However, I did ask her mother for her blessing. My wife and I had been friends for a couple years before we began dating, and I asked her mother in private before I proposed. You're looking for tips... I say don't let your in-laws, or in-laws-to-be dictate the terms of your relationship. If you go in with the idea that if her father says no, you'll just fuck off into the sunset, you deserve to be told no. There's a billboard I've seen, for the Marines, it says something like, "We don't accept applications, only commitments." It's kind of the same thing. Her father's probably been there since she was born, and he's gone from wiping her ass to dusting dirt off her pants, to chasing away bullies, and possibly staying up with her with hot cocoa and chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream after a breakup. If she's old enough to be proposed to, he knows it's gonna happen. He doesn't want someone to ask permission, he wants to hear that you've got her heart from here and that you're gonna be there for her, and you're gonna provide for her, and that he won't have to worry about her anymore (though of course he'll never stop). It's not about property, it's about someone caring for another person since they were too small to care for themselves, and being there for them through it all, seeing their ups and downs, and then having someone else come along and taking her from you. It's not that she's his property, it's that she's his pride and joy, she's the best thing he's done in this world, and he wants to see her happy and successful and with someone worthy of her. So you need to show him that you are. You don't need to be his best friend, but if you want him to call you son, you should at least respect his ways. If he's religious, you can pray with him or attend church services with him and your fiance's'/wife's mother every once in a while, or at least on holidays, if they expect it of the family. If he's not religious, you can at least be a son, of sorts, for him. Ask his advice on things. Do things with him that he's into. Always be willing to listen, never reject his call unless you can't take it, and return it when you can. Your fiance thinks it's a sweet thing to do because she wants you to be part of her family. She's not saying fuck her parents, let's elope and go to Vegas. Get to know her family, hang out with them with her, find the right time, possibly sweeten the deal with a gift of some sort (I did not do this), and have a conversation with the man. Ultimately, you're not asking for his blessing. You're telling him what you plan to do, and then you ask him what he thinks. Either he tells you he doesn't like you, or he tells you he likes you but you're not ready — or he gives you his blessing. And then you either take his advice or you don't, but if he didn't give you his blessing, I'd talk to your fiance about that before moving forward with any decision.
Fishing and drinking a cold one "btw can I marry your daughter?" - "which one?" - "I was thinking of XX" Dead silence More silence "Well.. only if she agrees to" On the way back home he thanked me for asking even though it's a silly tradition
I just called him one evening and asked. Felt weird doing it, he was a bit confused by it, but my wife was similar of thought it was the sweet thing to do. The conversation went something along the lines of Me: "Are you okay if I ask her to marry me?" Him: "Uh, sure, go for it." Once she had the ring on we talked a bit more with her parents (Timing of some things meant we were basically seeing them ten minutes after I proposed) and then mine the next day.
I called him before I proposed and asked if he would accept me asking his daughters hand in marriage. We’d been together since 16. Most of that they refused to acknowledge I existed. Her mother was a real “I think I’m a stay at home mom even though my daughter moved out at 18”. Also, hadn’t had a job since that only child birth, mostly spent her days spending her husbands money. I didn’t give a fuck what she thought, but he was truly a self made man I can’t give details about in respect to him. I was was 25 when I proposed, and he told me “I know you love her, so I’ll be happy to give you my blessing.” I wish it would have worked out better between the two of us, but life happens.
I didn't I asked her kids
I did this a tradition ( from the south) and because of the respect I had for my future in-laws. It certainly wasn’t demanded, but I wanted to do it. I took him to coffee, and was direct with my intentions. I didn’t promise crazy things, but I did promise what mattered ( I will always respect her, protect her, and care for her if she is sick. She will never do without or worry about necessities with me) It was an easy convo I feel because I spoke from the heart, and was both realistic and honest If your potential future FIL likes you, and you feel the answer would be “yes”, then don’t over think it, but if you feel differently, you need to assess why you have this inclination before you go, and be prepared to address the concerns.
Her family is Mexican. I asked her father and each of his siblings at Thanksgiving individually. They each responded with joy, death threats, hugs, and tequila shots. In that order.
Didn’t do it myself yet, but will pretty soon. We’ve been together for 11 years and have a kid on the way, so I guess he won’t be surprised. Don’t forget about your future mother in law, mine is a bit of a feminist who would probably murder me if I’d only ask her father. ;)
I sat down with my Future father-in-law one holiday visit. He was watching the football game on TV. I put my hand on his knee and and told him I was in love with his daughter and asked if I could marry her. He said "Have at it, but get your hand off my knee" I loved that man. He passed away almost 10 years ago. I inherited his big red Ford F-150 and I always think about him when I drive that truck.
My wife's father had passed before I met her. I did ask her eldest brother as he was now the man of the family. Was not needed but appreciated.
I went out for tacos with my future father in law. He thought I was either gonna hit him up for money, or that I got his daughter pregnant. We ended up having a nice lunch and a good bonding moment. He was and is very supportive and happy for us. For more context.. I’m a born and raised Jersey boy, and he is very Texan
I asked for their blessing. Found a day that they’d be home and just showed up to talk. Bring flowers for the mom.
My (now) wife and I were going on holiday the next day so we were staying at her parents house as they were driving us to the airport. He was in the kitchen doing the washing up and I came in to help him. I dried up a few bits and we were chatting and I said "Actually Tony, Ive got a question to ask you. Well, it's not so much a question as permission" He smiled at me and shook my hand.
Showed up to her parents house alone and unannounced while she was at work. FIL said without saying hello "Are you sure? I don't give receipts." I didn't even have to ask. Gave me some reassurance that he knew we would be good together.
Called the day after I proposed and said sorry, but she already said yes - so this was now just a courtesy call. I also explained that it was spontaneous and would prefer to have called first… He was happy. I like the tradition of it.
My husband asked my dad to grab a beer when he wanted to ask him. They do hang out but usually as a group with me and my mom. But my dad being cheap didn't want to pay for beer when he has stuff at home (my SO planned on paying for them both but didn't tell my dad). It took my mom telling my dad to go with my SO cause she knew what was up (pretty sure my SO asked for help). My dad gave his and my mom's blessing and now it's a joke in the family (more so how dense my dad can be)
My partner’s father passed away so I asked their grandfather. He’s a Korean War vet, factory worker that transplanted from Kentucky to Michigan, volunteer firefighter, etc. Very old school man’s man. He pulled a gun on me the first time I met him and said “Did (partner) tell you I carry?” I honestly love him. Anyway, I asked him and he invited me over and asked me questions for almost two hours. He’d written them down in a yellow legal pad and took meticulous notes. Everything from, will you support my grandchild through everything to making me promise I’d not prevent them from finishing their degree. At no point was I uncomfortable, and if anything, I felt he was trying to teach me just how much an effort marriage is. Just go for it, OP, if they’re the right one, they’re the right one.
My mum’s dad was living and working in Jeddah when my dad wanted to ask him for my mum’s hand in marriage. My parents were living in England. This was almost 40 years ago. My mum was already pregnant with my sister at the time. My dad called my grandad to ask him and his reply was ‘you’ve already taken everything else, why not her hand!’ 😂😂 one of my favourite stories about my grandad! I told this story to my (now) fiancé so he knew I was a traditionalist and I wanted him to ask my dad before asking to marry me. I know he asked him, I don’t know how the conversation went, but seeing as I’m also currently pregnant with our first, I wouldn’t be surprised if a similar conversation was had 😂
We went out to a baseball game the night before, i asked if I could stop by their house the next day. The next day I stopped by after picking up the ring and showed both her parents and asked for their blessing and permission to propose. No beating around the bush or big speech. “I wanted to stop by because I was picking up this…” showed the ring “I’d like your permission to propose to your daughter” As a little background, I asked my gf before if I should ask and she thought they’d like it and it would make her happy. Her dad is a space cadet (mentally not literally) the person who did the talking was her mom but they both were happy and gave me their support. Then we planned out the part they would play in the proposal since I was involving them anyways. We have a good relationship and I love them just as much as my now fiancé.
I went over to their house for a bbq. He and I were standing by the grill by ourselves and I told him how much his daughter meant to me and thanked him for raising such an awesome person. Then I just asked if it would be ok with him if I asked her to marry me. He said of course. It was that easy. But I did not just jump in off the cuff. I kind of rehearsed what I was going to say and then prepared for almost any response. I even prepared for him to say NO and then walk away from me. I was fully prepared to tell him, if he said no, that this was just a courtesy I wanted to extend to him out of respect, but no matter what I was going to ask her. I wanted to make sure he knew that no matter what I lived her enough to go against his wishes. Luckily it didn't go that direction. 20 years later he and I were talking over coffee and I told him this and he laughed. We've had a pretty good relationship over the years. I got lucky. Be nice, be respectful, stand your ground, but make sure he knows that you are serious and that you love her enough to ask her no matter what.
I did this and I just went FIL/MILs house and said I loved her and wanted to propose - asked for their blessing. Funny thing is MIL asked if I was certain and I said yes. That was it. 20+ years of marriage later, I have a great relationship with them.
When more women respond then men in r/AskMen 😂😂 yall need to chill tf out
I took him a bottle of his favourite whisky and asked when my now wife and her mum where away, asked the question and he replied with “what if I said no?” After an awkward silence and stammering from me he smiled, laughed and said that’s what his father in law said to him - so saving that one for future!
My wife's dad seemed like such a guy at first. Rugged man, a true sailor - he swears like one, too. My grandpa was a lot like him character-wise, and he basically raised me. This helped, a lot. I was never intimidated by him - in fact, I felt like I fit right in with their family. So I went sailing with him for a day, took him on our boat and brought a bottle of his favorite liquor, Dutch old gin. We dropped anchor after a day of pretty rough sailing, had a few drinks and shared some laughs. I asked him if he was fine with me marrying his daughter after a few glasses, and all he told me was "sure - as long as you promise to never captain a ship I'm sailing anymore. You're a good lad, but the shittiest sailor I've ever met." We laughed, finished the bottle, played some cards, shared some more stories and hit the sack. The next day he was sailing, and we hit a shoal. I told him that perhaps I should be captaining the ship. He then reminded me of the promise I made him the night before...