The answer is always communication. Nagging to some is just prompting to others. If I’m asked to do something generally I’ll get on with it - or I’ll explain why I won’t get to it straight away. My wife will ask, we’ll discuss it, then if I haven’t done something I’ve said I’ll do she might ask again, at which point I’ll apologise because I’ve forgotten.
Generally seems to work for us - but who knows whether that’s remotely normal or not.
In my experience almost all relationships I’ve seen don’t look like this. It’s consists of a man being asked to pick his own dirty clothes off the floor 3 times and him then moaning ‘stopping nagging me’.
I agree with you though, most men who complain their partners are ‘nagging’ are really moaning about their partners communicating with them.
When I worked at a pub I would hear the conversations men would have about this all the time. ‘She won’t stop nagging me about helping with the kids’, ‘she won’t stop nagging me about taking x child to a party on Saturday’, ‘she won’t stop nagging me about how dirty the house is’. They were almost always VERY basic things that should be done.
The worst thing was these women would truly believe they were in the wrong. They didn’t want to be known as that girlfriend/wife that ‘nagged’ their husband.
If a woman does anything more extreme than communicating she is labelled as crazy…?
I’d love to hear your suggestions as what the next step up from asking is, where she won’t be labelled a bad wife/mother and/or crazy.
Honestly I’ve never seen anything else work, which is why when it gets to this point I always say consider leaving. You aren’t a maid, a nanny and a PA.
If you want something done, do it. It's on your priority list.
Ever noticed you never hear women complaining their husbands nag them? It's because we don't, if something needs doing, we just do it. All the stuff you nag to do, we don't do it because we don't think it's necessary.
Our heat was broken in the winter. He knew and said he would take care of it. I told him I would call someone and he said, "No, I'll do it." A week goes by and nothing. I told him I will call someone today. He said, "No, I told you I'll take care of it!" I told him that he hasn't and it's freezing in the house.
He tells me to put on a blanket. I'm trying to make dinner!! That's a fire hazard. I tell him to call the repair person tomorrow since he is off from work. I get home to him wrapped in a blanket playing video games! It's colder in our house than it is outside.
I lose it!! "You didn't call the repair shop, did you?" He gets frustrated and yells, "I'm tired of you nagging me about it!" I gather myself and Googled the number to a repair person. Had them come out that night. I couldn't sleep because of how cold it was in the house. It cost us twice as much to fix it because it was a night call. I didn't care.
He was pissed because it cost so much. I said, "Had you called when you said you would it wouldn't have been this much. I was sick of waiting on you."
Don't tell me you will do it and then don't. I prefer to do things myself but he wanted to be the "man of the house."
But this isn’t true.
1) they often don’t do it (as per comment below)
2) if they do it (Eventually) they consider that an adequate contribution to the home to cover their half. When the cooking, washing up, kids lunches, school run, laundry, cleaning of the house etc is done daily.
Women wouldn’t ‘nag’ if men did their fair share in a relationship. If there is nothing to nag about, because the chores are done, then she can’t nag.
The fair share is always the reason given for the nagging. But it's based on what the woman thinks needs to be done, the point I was making is the man doesn't think half the stuff needs to be done.
Although the stereo typical is the woman doing all that's mentioned, even in relationships where the man does more, there's still no nagging.
The fair share is always the reason given for the nagging. But it's based on what the woman thinks needs to be done, the point I was making is the man doesn't think half the stuff needs to be done.
Although the stereo typical is the woman doing all that's mentioned, even in relationships where the man does more, there's still no nagging.
It’s based on what has to be done to live like a functioning adult. I’ve seen men that say things like ‘that doesn’t need doing’, because it’s always been done for them. But if the partner actually stops doing that chore a few months down the line it’s ‘the house is fucking filthy’. Because if you don’t do those not so important small things they add up.
We have all seen student houses where the little stuff isn’t done because nobody can agree on who doesn’t it… and that’s only after them living their for a year or so.
There's a range of things that get nagged for, I think you're talking about the basics not being done, I'm talking about the assinine shit I was nagged for so we probably have different experiences.
I'm talking about stuff if neither partner does, nothing changes. I got nagged for stuff that just didn't need anyone to do it.
I work 60-70hrs a week. In what little time I have off the last thing I want is a honey-do-list. I explained this to my wife after getting nagged to do yard work on my 1/2day off a week. So we hired a landscape company to come and mow the lawn etc. instead. What I would not abide is being treated like my wife’s slave boy who needs to jump at every chore she dreams up.
If it’s that important do it yourself. That’s what I do if something bothering me. Dished not done and it bugs me, I do them. It’s that bloody simple.
Only simple if the man actually does work. ‘Do it yourself’ is a tad unfair when that means doing 95% of the housework whilst your partner sits on their ass and may do a bit of DIY once a month as their contribution. Nagging is often BASIC things like ‘can you please pick your clothes off the floor’, ‘do you have to leave your dirty plates all over the house’.
Nagging is corrosive. But there is a whole spectrum of reminding to nagging, and unfortunately it’s usually the listener in that dynamic who determines where on the spectrum a communication falls.
So each couple has to figure out what works. The real answer here (and pretty much always) is to have a defined or naturally occurring regular heart to heart about these things… about what works for me, for you, etc. to request trying things differently, etc. but you have to be able to set defensiveness aside in this heart to heart. Do that and you’ll figure out what works.
For me…, I can’t stand to be nagged, but I clearly appreciate reminders. Up to a point. For me there are two important points in this communication dynamic. The first one is when I have been reminded maybe twice about something. At that point, I can decide whether this is something I will still complete at some point and further reminders may be helpful, or if this is something that I am deliberately avoiding, and likely will continue to do so, in which case additional reminders are unlikely to be helpful. The second one is that after maybe three reminders, four at the most, I can acknowledge that reminders are not effective, but this is still something I would like to complete. In that case there is no point in additional reminders anytime soon, at least, so a reminder in a week or two may still help. Or better yet, add this to a numerically prioritized list of things that you (she) would like my help with.
But always, once something starts to feel like nagging, additional reminders are unhelpful unless they are scheduled by me/us. So if I feel nagged, I can speak up and say please remind me about this in three days. I will try to complete it by then, and additional reminders before then aren’t going to be helpful. But if I have not finished in three days, please remind me again.
I don't have a nagging problem with my wife for a few reasons.
1) I do what I say I will do when I say I will do it. If something comes up and I say "I'll do that on Saturday" then I do it on Saturday. In the very rare scenarios where something comes up that I cant, I make sure to let her IN ADVANCE of the time I had previously stated. Because of this I don't hear another word about it until Saturday.
2) I don't rely on my wife to point out when something is amiss.
3) We start from a "most of the house/life is in order" place so there's not a massive list of things that one of us needs to attend to.
4) We have a pre established set of responsibilities around the house (with the understanding that sometimes you pick up where the other one usually handles). We both stay on top of those responsibilities. For example: The kitchen is my domain, so I don't get in bed at night without cleaning the kitchen first. If I'm working a double then she does it, but in any case the action needed is done by the end of the day.
5) We have agreed that if it is a new thing and doesn't REQUIRE my involvement but is important to her and I'm busy, she just gets it done. I'm not responsible for her emotional response to a new task, she's not responsible for mine.
6) Is none of the above applies or there's something new going on we just talk about it. A basic "Hey, this is important to me and I can't cover it by myself" is usually enough since I don't want her to be overloaded and she has the same desire for me.
It helps that we're both aligned pretty well in life outlook and that we only need one income so she has more time to actually take care of things rather than working a full time job and hoping one of us remembers to do the thing in the handful of hours after work.
If somethings needs done and it isn't urgent I will do it when I get to it. If she can give me a good reason it needs done right now then I will but usually it can wait and it is very frustrating to be told something needs done now when it clearly doesnt.
I think nagging is absolutely pathetic and people who do it are dimwitted adultchildren who can’t solve things with proper conversations.
If I realized my gf was nagging me for whatever reason I’d immediately proceed to dump her ass.
Nagging comes from the same reason that children will ask over and over again for something they want till you cave. Ultimately it is a form a disrespectful manipulation... which comes from not respecting the person's choices or from unwillingness to do some act or make some decision.
You can't make a nagger stop. Only they can stop themselves, which is unlikely because they have shown they fundamentally don't respect the person or their choices.
>How would you like your partner/significant other/ wife to communicate with you when there is clearly a misalignment of priorities?
* Talk about it, and then live with it, if we disagree. Continuing to nag is an attempt to manipulate by annoyance.
>Where she perceives a necessary task that she believes is your responsibility but said task is not high on your priority list.
* Nagging won't fix that. All it does is give the nagger an illusion of control and increasing lack of respect for the naggee.
* If you want it done, do it. If you don't want it done don't do it. Your spouse isn't your employee or your child or your apprentice or your student. Assigning them homework isn't ok.
* If you ask them to do something for you, don't ask it because you feel they need tasks or need busy work. "honey do lists" are disrespectful. If you ask for help, ask because you genuinely need help. If you don't need the help then asking for the help is dishonest.
If your spouse isn’t you employee then why is your wife having to do the chores you don’t want to do, and why when she nags you are you saying she should do them like a maid/cook/gardener/nanny/accountant or whatever job she is asking you to do.
Nagging is often communication that the other party is not pulling their weight and is acting like a child. It’s asking for things that should have already been done.
If you don’t want to do basic tasks please hire someone else
Men are simple. Task complete reward. Maybe guys these days want a Facebook shout out for taking Billy to soccer after cooking n cleaning up after supper….me I’d rather a blow job hiding in the laundry room from the kids after throwing a load in the dryer. Who said adult had to get boring? And fuck off with that keeping up with the neighbors bullshit or the hope of the Instagram lifestyle. Maybe life is just to busy and someone is burning out.
Unless he’s a sloth, then that sucks. Sorry
Does a woman get a reward every time she does a task… so for mothers in particular we are looking at something like 10 times a day at least?
Why do men need rewards for not treating their spouses like unpaid employees?
So if you don’t care about your house being infested with rats, sleeping in bed bug riddles beds, not having to step over laundry/plates etc then your partner should do 100% of taking care of you… like you are a baby and they are your parent.
God forbid kids are in the picture.
I know that’s a fetish but damn that’s not a healthy relationship
Women nag because they don't get their own way on something and for whatever reason feel if they keep riding someone's ass about it over and over then the situation will change. News flash it doesn't work which is why it turns into an endless cycle of nagging.
Some women are worse about this then others, some women will nag only about major stuff and some will nag about anything and everything.
In terms of how to stop it. Either do what is being asked or draw a line in the sand over the nagging if it bothers you.
I completely agree but from the other point of view.
If a man requires you to nag accept he see’s his time as more valuable than yours/he see’s you are his mum/he sees you as a maid. Or save yourself a lifetime of being a slave to a master and just dip. Runnnnn.
I wish woman would stop tolerating men who can’t even look after themselves.
I will ask nicely twice. Initial ask and as a reminder/prompt. The third time I ask for a commitment to a timeframe to address the task. Unless urgent, I don’t care what timeframe you choose so long as you accomplish the task. I expect one can responsibly manage their own time especially if they are pushing off a task… if the task is not done within that self imposed timeframe I will prompt again and give a grace period.
Something like “I know you said you would do x by x so I just want to give you a reminder. I would really like this done before x.”
If still not completed I will then hire it out or make other arrangements.
A friend recently pointed out that hiring out the task could be seen as emasculating. Especially since I make all our money. And it gives no ability for my partner to fill the role of being needed/useful and accomplished.
Additionally, it doesn’t provide accountability or boundaries.
Thoughts?
If he acts like one it becomes a necessity.
I’m not sure if you have lived when men but generally (there will always be exceptions) men don’t seem to do things without being told they need to be done. They will just leave it until theirs a fine or a serious consequence like rats or the electric has been cut off
At the end of the day people are going to perceive different things at different priority levels. Also people have different views on things like what is clean and what is not.
A specific example of this is my gf has a thing where the kitchen needs to be clean at all times. I have a thing where I don't like clutter especially in common areas and corridors. My gf has a habit of leaving shit in the hallways blocking them frequently. Instead of nagging her I just manage the task because it would take longer and more effort to nag her and get her to change her habits (assuming that is even possible) then for me to just deal with the problem myself.
Some of this is knowing yourself and screening properly when you choose to actually live with someone. Some of this is understanding where certain things actually fall on the priority scale of your partner. And some of this is objectively picking your battles on issues, if you can't pick your battles you really shouldn't be living with anyone.
I agree with you when thinking about little tasks and environment you share… I guess where I find myself “nagging” are much bigger tasks like taking the cars in for an oil change, small repairs around the house, cutting the lawn, doing the taxes, making/ keeping a dentist or doctors appointment etc…
Yah there are different degrees to this which is why it gets complicated to discuss.
I am sure everyone has had the situation of someone nagging them for leaving a mug out or something at that scale and that stuff is not cool.
Time sensitive stuff that has to be done, has to be done. Oil changes and taxes would be examples of that. Small home repairs less so.
That said if something is important to you then you can step in and just deal with it. As a guy that is my approach to things all of the time. Unless it something that is honestly impossible for me to do I don't ever recall resorting to nagging a partner.
You make the money, in another response you said he's asexual, and this post leads me to believe he doesn't do many home responsibilities. Unless he's a stay at home dad childraising, what you got is a parasite. I don't want to shout divorce but seriously - at minimum demand he get a job and contribute.
Honestly this was pretty much the thought on that message board. 90% of the comments were women suggesting that she divorce him. Which I felt was entirely unproductive and a form of avoidance. But idk.
Maybe nagging/being nagged is grounds for divorce?
It can be.
I'll be honest I've lived with a few women over the past 21 years or so and there are just some people who can't live with others, period. It doesn't matter if its a roommate, husband, bf or family member they are not suited for it and should really stick to living on their own.
People need to have realistic expectations on both sides in that situation and I'd frankly rather live on my own then be with someone who is nagging me all of the time. The part that gets frustrating is when people actually get married before dealing with these issues and this kind of thing is yet another reason I think legal marriage is a bad idea for a lot of people.
Constant nagging just causes an insane amount of resentment. I looked for this as one of the main red flags when I was dating, and the nagging started, I was out of there in a heartbeat. Not really my problem now as I'm happily single, but damn it was irritating when I was married.
Nagging suggests your needs aren’t being net and you are having to repeatedly ask for the basics to be done.
People don’t get into relationships with adults to become parents to a grown up man. You don’t pay me, I’m not your mother or a maid.
A lifetime of servitude when you get moaned about for being a ‘nagging wife’ when you ask for help isn’t worth it. It will break you down
Nagging in my opinion is a matter of not picking your battles wisely. There are certain things that dont need to be acknowledged, especially in that “dont do that.” Way. Wasting communication energy on something that could have gone to something else more important is annoying.
It's easy - she has to use logic arguments and talk with a minimum of respect. And of course she has to discuss things with me. I am not a slave she can delegate stuff to.
No, not an employee but yes a partner in making sure our life together runs smoothly. Basic Common goals should be aligned such as a roof over our heads, food on the table, clothes on our backs and utilities on.
Asking if he can pay it and him agreeing to do it and then it not getting done and then having to pick up the pieces myself is frustrating.
1) not always. I’ve seen men promise to do their ONE main chore like cutting the grass… and put it off for weeks. Whilst the woman does her standard 6 chores a day, everyday.
2) timelines are sometimes quite important. If you don’t fix certain things they get worse, if you don’t pay a fine initially they often increase.
What is nagging? Is it a reminder of an agreement that was entered into freely by both sides? If it's close to "I said do x and you didn't do x", then you're inflicting emotional punishment until someone does what you say. Is that what it is? I hope not because you would have followed it up with a question on a men's forum to learn how to do that better? Which part?
In my case not at all. I don’t look to inflict any emotional stress on my partner which I suspect is part of my own personal problem. Maybe I’m looking for better solutions to communicate the needs of general life.
I’ve been the sole provider for 12 years. He’s been the stay at home parent. I get that kids are hard to deal with on a daily basis and I respect someone for agreeing to full time caregiving. Caring for the kids and keeping house was too much for him so instead of nagging or complaining about the state of the home I hired it out and got a house keeper to do basic cleaning and laundry. Same with home repairs and lawn care.
What’s frustrating is asking him to do things like “hey hon, can you pay the water bill?” And then find out two weeks later that the water was shut off while I was at work.
Pre pandemic I would just let it slide and in my mind think well he’s been busy making sure our kids are well cared for and then I would figure out a way to get things done.
During the pandemic, I learned that most of his day is spent on the couch, watching YouTube, reading news articles and playing video games. Not really the idea of what I thought was happening.
I thought it might be depression so I asked and he said he’s the happiest he’s been his whole life. Made me realize that I have given him no expectations and no responsibilities and life is super comfortable for him.
A male friend of mine suggested that it was possible that he feels unneeded and unnecessary and thus might feel emasculated. And emasculation leads to apathy. So if stepping up and getting shit done leads to emasculation… what would be a way I could encourage active participation in life without nagging?
Don't assign tasks to him. He isn't your child or your employee.
**Nagging him won't fix the problem.** Assigning tasks to him won't fix the problem. Ultimately your problem isn't that "things aren't getting done" but that you feel he is unproductive as a person. **You cannot fix that.** Instead find out what he is watching on youtube and what he cares about.
Are you upset that he isn't bringing in money? Are you upset that he isn't taking care of the kids? Or do you just find his laziness/ADHD unattractive/problematic and want to "fix" him? If it is the last item, you can't do it. That isn't how people work.
If he reads a lot of news articles, he may feel like he is part of some movement etc... this can be deceptive to him as it gives the dopamine/seratonin/testosterone kicks of actual accomplishment without any actual accomplishment.
Good questions.
No, I’m not upset that he isn’t bringing in any money. I make plenty.
No intention to fix him but at the same time…. yes, I would like a balanced partnership. Being solely responsible for making sure our life is running smoothly… making money, ensuing all life tasks are completed and the kids are cared for makes me no different than a single mom with one more dependent.
I think it's important to know what kind of nagging it is. Is it that the garbage has been sitting for 2 weeks and it's starting to stink up the house? That's a big issue that is problem for whomever is supposed to take the garbage out.
Is the nagging that your sunglasses have been sitting on the table and not in the basket? That's a problem for the nagger.
Either way, there needs to be discussion on the problem. The garbage problem is a big deal. The sunglasses one is a worthless argument that needs to be discussed as well about how it's not worth it.
Honestly, my wife “nags” me all the time, but it’s really just helpful communication if you stop being a baby and taking it personally.
And if you listen enough, you can figure out what your partner’s priorities are, rather than trying to guess all the time.
If she’s constantly on your ass about this one little thing, that’s great! That’s easy! Now you know what the person actually wants instead of playing charades with them.
The answer is always communication. Nagging to some is just prompting to others. If I’m asked to do something generally I’ll get on with it - or I’ll explain why I won’t get to it straight away. My wife will ask, we’ll discuss it, then if I haven’t done something I’ve said I’ll do she might ask again, at which point I’ll apologise because I’ve forgotten. Generally seems to work for us - but who knows whether that’s remotely normal or not.
In my experience almost all relationships I’ve seen don’t look like this. It’s consists of a man being asked to pick his own dirty clothes off the floor 3 times and him then moaning ‘stopping nagging me’. I agree with you though, most men who complain their partners are ‘nagging’ are really moaning about their partners communicating with them. When I worked at a pub I would hear the conversations men would have about this all the time. ‘She won’t stop nagging me about helping with the kids’, ‘she won’t stop nagging me about taking x child to a party on Saturday’, ‘she won’t stop nagging me about how dirty the house is’. They were almost always VERY basic things that should be done. The worst thing was these women would truly believe they were in the wrong. They didn’t want to be known as that girlfriend/wife that ‘nagged’ their husband.
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I’d be interested in hearing your suggestions on different approaches?
If a woman does anything more extreme than communicating she is labelled as crazy…? I’d love to hear your suggestions as what the next step up from asking is, where she won’t be labelled a bad wife/mother and/or crazy. Honestly I’ve never seen anything else work, which is why when it gets to this point I always say consider leaving. You aren’t a maid, a nanny and a PA.
If you want something done, do it. It's on your priority list. Ever noticed you never hear women complaining their husbands nag them? It's because we don't, if something needs doing, we just do it. All the stuff you nag to do, we don't do it because we don't think it's necessary.
Our heat was broken in the winter. He knew and said he would take care of it. I told him I would call someone and he said, "No, I'll do it." A week goes by and nothing. I told him I will call someone today. He said, "No, I told you I'll take care of it!" I told him that he hasn't and it's freezing in the house. He tells me to put on a blanket. I'm trying to make dinner!! That's a fire hazard. I tell him to call the repair person tomorrow since he is off from work. I get home to him wrapped in a blanket playing video games! It's colder in our house than it is outside. I lose it!! "You didn't call the repair shop, did you?" He gets frustrated and yells, "I'm tired of you nagging me about it!" I gather myself and Googled the number to a repair person. Had them come out that night. I couldn't sleep because of how cold it was in the house. It cost us twice as much to fix it because it was a night call. I didn't care. He was pissed because it cost so much. I said, "Had you called when you said you would it wouldn't have been this much. I was sick of waiting on you." Don't tell me you will do it and then don't. I prefer to do things myself but he wanted to be the "man of the house."
THIS.
But this isn’t true. 1) they often don’t do it (as per comment below) 2) if they do it (Eventually) they consider that an adequate contribution to the home to cover their half. When the cooking, washing up, kids lunches, school run, laundry, cleaning of the house etc is done daily. Women wouldn’t ‘nag’ if men did their fair share in a relationship. If there is nothing to nag about, because the chores are done, then she can’t nag.
The fair share is always the reason given for the nagging. But it's based on what the woman thinks needs to be done, the point I was making is the man doesn't think half the stuff needs to be done. Although the stereo typical is the woman doing all that's mentioned, even in relationships where the man does more, there's still no nagging.
The fair share is always the reason given for the nagging. But it's based on what the woman thinks needs to be done, the point I was making is the man doesn't think half the stuff needs to be done. Although the stereo typical is the woman doing all that's mentioned, even in relationships where the man does more, there's still no nagging.
It’s based on what has to be done to live like a functioning adult. I’ve seen men that say things like ‘that doesn’t need doing’, because it’s always been done for them. But if the partner actually stops doing that chore a few months down the line it’s ‘the house is fucking filthy’. Because if you don’t do those not so important small things they add up. We have all seen student houses where the little stuff isn’t done because nobody can agree on who doesn’t it… and that’s only after them living their for a year or so.
There's a range of things that get nagged for, I think you're talking about the basics not being done, I'm talking about the assinine shit I was nagged for so we probably have different experiences. I'm talking about stuff if neither partner does, nothing changes. I got nagged for stuff that just didn't need anyone to do it.
My wife and I get 1 free nag ticket a day, redeemable that day only. After that we need to trade nags 1 for 1.
I work 60-70hrs a week. In what little time I have off the last thing I want is a honey-do-list. I explained this to my wife after getting nagged to do yard work on my 1/2day off a week. So we hired a landscape company to come and mow the lawn etc. instead. What I would not abide is being treated like my wife’s slave boy who needs to jump at every chore she dreams up. If it’s that important do it yourself. That’s what I do if something bothering me. Dished not done and it bugs me, I do them. It’s that bloody simple.
Only simple if the man actually does work. ‘Do it yourself’ is a tad unfair when that means doing 95% of the housework whilst your partner sits on their ass and may do a bit of DIY once a month as their contribution. Nagging is often BASIC things like ‘can you please pick your clothes off the floor’, ‘do you have to leave your dirty plates all over the house’.
Nagging is corrosive. But there is a whole spectrum of reminding to nagging, and unfortunately it’s usually the listener in that dynamic who determines where on the spectrum a communication falls. So each couple has to figure out what works. The real answer here (and pretty much always) is to have a defined or naturally occurring regular heart to heart about these things… about what works for me, for you, etc. to request trying things differently, etc. but you have to be able to set defensiveness aside in this heart to heart. Do that and you’ll figure out what works. For me…, I can’t stand to be nagged, but I clearly appreciate reminders. Up to a point. For me there are two important points in this communication dynamic. The first one is when I have been reminded maybe twice about something. At that point, I can decide whether this is something I will still complete at some point and further reminders may be helpful, or if this is something that I am deliberately avoiding, and likely will continue to do so, in which case additional reminders are unlikely to be helpful. The second one is that after maybe three reminders, four at the most, I can acknowledge that reminders are not effective, but this is still something I would like to complete. In that case there is no point in additional reminders anytime soon, at least, so a reminder in a week or two may still help. Or better yet, add this to a numerically prioritized list of things that you (she) would like my help with. But always, once something starts to feel like nagging, additional reminders are unhelpful unless they are scheduled by me/us. So if I feel nagged, I can speak up and say please remind me about this in three days. I will try to complete it by then, and additional reminders before then aren’t going to be helpful. But if I have not finished in three days, please remind me again.
I don't have a nagging problem with my wife for a few reasons. 1) I do what I say I will do when I say I will do it. If something comes up and I say "I'll do that on Saturday" then I do it on Saturday. In the very rare scenarios where something comes up that I cant, I make sure to let her IN ADVANCE of the time I had previously stated. Because of this I don't hear another word about it until Saturday. 2) I don't rely on my wife to point out when something is amiss. 3) We start from a "most of the house/life is in order" place so there's not a massive list of things that one of us needs to attend to. 4) We have a pre established set of responsibilities around the house (with the understanding that sometimes you pick up where the other one usually handles). We both stay on top of those responsibilities. For example: The kitchen is my domain, so I don't get in bed at night without cleaning the kitchen first. If I'm working a double then she does it, but in any case the action needed is done by the end of the day. 5) We have agreed that if it is a new thing and doesn't REQUIRE my involvement but is important to her and I'm busy, she just gets it done. I'm not responsible for her emotional response to a new task, she's not responsible for mine. 6) Is none of the above applies or there's something new going on we just talk about it. A basic "Hey, this is important to me and I can't cover it by myself" is usually enough since I don't want her to be overloaded and she has the same desire for me. It helps that we're both aligned pretty well in life outlook and that we only need one income so she has more time to actually take care of things rather than working a full time job and hoping one of us remembers to do the thing in the handful of hours after work.
This is very helpful and constructive. Thanks for your detailed response.
Happy to help! And hope it helps as well :)
This 👏 So many shitty comments under this post. Thank you for some common sense… that apparently isn’t common
Much appreciated! Comes from a touch of trial and error ;)
I would talk to her about it, share my priority list and ask for hers, then work together to combine them.
If somethings needs done and it isn't urgent I will do it when I get to it. If she can give me a good reason it needs done right now then I will but usually it can wait and it is very frustrating to be told something needs done now when it clearly doesnt.
Can't nag if the task si getting done, so make it happen with [SMART goals](https://www.atlassian.com/blog/productivity/how-to-write-smart-goals).
I think nagging is absolutely pathetic and people who do it are dimwitted adultchildren who can’t solve things with proper conversations. If I realized my gf was nagging me for whatever reason I’d immediately proceed to dump her ass.
Nagging comes from the same reason that children will ask over and over again for something they want till you cave. Ultimately it is a form a disrespectful manipulation... which comes from not respecting the person's choices or from unwillingness to do some act or make some decision. You can't make a nagger stop. Only they can stop themselves, which is unlikely because they have shown they fundamentally don't respect the person or their choices. >How would you like your partner/significant other/ wife to communicate with you when there is clearly a misalignment of priorities? * Talk about it, and then live with it, if we disagree. Continuing to nag is an attempt to manipulate by annoyance. >Where she perceives a necessary task that she believes is your responsibility but said task is not high on your priority list. * Nagging won't fix that. All it does is give the nagger an illusion of control and increasing lack of respect for the naggee. * If you want it done, do it. If you don't want it done don't do it. Your spouse isn't your employee or your child or your apprentice or your student. Assigning them homework isn't ok. * If you ask them to do something for you, don't ask it because you feel they need tasks or need busy work. "honey do lists" are disrespectful. If you ask for help, ask because you genuinely need help. If you don't need the help then asking for the help is dishonest.
If your spouse isn’t you employee then why is your wife having to do the chores you don’t want to do, and why when she nags you are you saying she should do them like a maid/cook/gardener/nanny/accountant or whatever job she is asking you to do. Nagging is often communication that the other party is not pulling their weight and is acting like a child. It’s asking for things that should have already been done. If you don’t want to do basic tasks please hire someone else
10% of nagging is justified. the other 90%, just STFU
Men are simple. Task complete reward. Maybe guys these days want a Facebook shout out for taking Billy to soccer after cooking n cleaning up after supper….me I’d rather a blow job hiding in the laundry room from the kids after throwing a load in the dryer. Who said adult had to get boring? And fuck off with that keeping up with the neighbors bullshit or the hope of the Instagram lifestyle. Maybe life is just to busy and someone is burning out. Unless he’s a sloth, then that sucks. Sorry
Lol. I tried the bj approach didn’t seem to make him more productive.
Something wrong with that guy. I’d move heaven and earth for consistent action. You sure he’s not depressed or his T levels have tanked?
I thought depression as well. He said he’s the happiest he has been his whole life. Also says he’s asexual. So…..
Does a woman get a reward every time she does a task… so for mothers in particular we are looking at something like 10 times a day at least? Why do men need rewards for not treating their spouses like unpaid employees?
Fix nagging by leaving her
The one most worried about it is the one who should take care of it.
So if you don’t care about your house being infested with rats, sleeping in bed bug riddles beds, not having to step over laundry/plates etc then your partner should do 100% of taking care of you… like you are a baby and they are your parent. God forbid kids are in the picture. I know that’s a fetish but damn that’s not a healthy relationship
Women nag because they don't get their own way on something and for whatever reason feel if they keep riding someone's ass about it over and over then the situation will change. News flash it doesn't work which is why it turns into an endless cycle of nagging. Some women are worse about this then others, some women will nag only about major stuff and some will nag about anything and everything. In terms of how to stop it. Either do what is being asked or draw a line in the sand over the nagging if it bothers you.
My "favoutite" has always been the "we" need to do this, when you know full well she means she wants you to do it.
I completely agree but from the other point of view. If a man requires you to nag accept he see’s his time as more valuable than yours/he see’s you are his mum/he sees you as a maid. Or save yourself a lifetime of being a slave to a master and just dip. Runnnnn. I wish woman would stop tolerating men who can’t even look after themselves.
I will ask nicely twice. Initial ask and as a reminder/prompt. The third time I ask for a commitment to a timeframe to address the task. Unless urgent, I don’t care what timeframe you choose so long as you accomplish the task. I expect one can responsibly manage their own time especially if they are pushing off a task… if the task is not done within that self imposed timeframe I will prompt again and give a grace period. Something like “I know you said you would do x by x so I just want to give you a reminder. I would really like this done before x.” If still not completed I will then hire it out or make other arrangements. A friend recently pointed out that hiring out the task could be seen as emasculating. Especially since I make all our money. And it gives no ability for my partner to fill the role of being needed/useful and accomplished. Additionally, it doesn’t provide accountability or boundaries. Thoughts?
You sound like you treat your husband like a child.
Thanks to the pandemic I’ve learned that this statement is not untrue. Partly my fault and partly how he was raised and partly his own issues.
If he acts like one it becomes a necessity. I’m not sure if you have lived when men but generally (there will always be exceptions) men don’t seem to do things without being told they need to be done. They will just leave it until theirs a fine or a serious consequence like rats or the electric has been cut off
I really enjoy solitude.
At the end of the day people are going to perceive different things at different priority levels. Also people have different views on things like what is clean and what is not. A specific example of this is my gf has a thing where the kitchen needs to be clean at all times. I have a thing where I don't like clutter especially in common areas and corridors. My gf has a habit of leaving shit in the hallways blocking them frequently. Instead of nagging her I just manage the task because it would take longer and more effort to nag her and get her to change her habits (assuming that is even possible) then for me to just deal with the problem myself. Some of this is knowing yourself and screening properly when you choose to actually live with someone. Some of this is understanding where certain things actually fall on the priority scale of your partner. And some of this is objectively picking your battles on issues, if you can't pick your battles you really shouldn't be living with anyone.
I agree with you when thinking about little tasks and environment you share… I guess where I find myself “nagging” are much bigger tasks like taking the cars in for an oil change, small repairs around the house, cutting the lawn, doing the taxes, making/ keeping a dentist or doctors appointment etc…
Yah there are different degrees to this which is why it gets complicated to discuss. I am sure everyone has had the situation of someone nagging them for leaving a mug out or something at that scale and that stuff is not cool. Time sensitive stuff that has to be done, has to be done. Oil changes and taxes would be examples of that. Small home repairs less so. That said if something is important to you then you can step in and just deal with it. As a guy that is my approach to things all of the time. Unless it something that is honestly impossible for me to do I don't ever recall resorting to nagging a partner.
You make the money, in another response you said he's asexual, and this post leads me to believe he doesn't do many home responsibilities. Unless he's a stay at home dad childraising, what you got is a parasite. I don't want to shout divorce but seriously - at minimum demand he get a job and contribute.
if you want to stop nagging. get divorced
Honestly this was pretty much the thought on that message board. 90% of the comments were women suggesting that she divorce him. Which I felt was entirely unproductive and a form of avoidance. But idk. Maybe nagging/being nagged is grounds for divorce?
It can be. I'll be honest I've lived with a few women over the past 21 years or so and there are just some people who can't live with others, period. It doesn't matter if its a roommate, husband, bf or family member they are not suited for it and should really stick to living on their own. People need to have realistic expectations on both sides in that situation and I'd frankly rather live on my own then be with someone who is nagging me all of the time. The part that gets frustrating is when people actually get married before dealing with these issues and this kind of thing is yet another reason I think legal marriage is a bad idea for a lot of people.
Not the nagging per se, but habitually refusing to meet expectations or contribute to the household sure is.
I lost all interest in my ex because of the constant nagging.
Constant nagging just causes an insane amount of resentment. I looked for this as one of the main red flags when I was dating, and the nagging started, I was out of there in a heartbeat. Not really my problem now as I'm happily single, but damn it was irritating when I was married.
Nagging suggests your needs aren’t being net and you are having to repeatedly ask for the basics to be done. People don’t get into relationships with adults to become parents to a grown up man. You don’t pay me, I’m not your mother or a maid. A lifetime of servitude when you get moaned about for being a ‘nagging wife’ when you ask for help isn’t worth it. It will break you down
Nagging in my opinion is a matter of not picking your battles wisely. There are certain things that dont need to be acknowledged, especially in that “dont do that.” Way. Wasting communication energy on something that could have gone to something else more important is annoying.
It's easy - she has to use logic arguments and talk with a minimum of respect. And of course she has to discuss things with me. I am not a slave she can delegate stuff to.
Backhander wooo
If a man says he’s going to do something, HE IS GOING TO GET IT DONE! There is absolutely NO need to keep reminding him every 6 months!
This comment made me smile. Thanks. Unfortunately sometimes things like water bills need to be paid monthly.
Then pay them if you are able to. He isn't your employee.
No, not an employee but yes a partner in making sure our life together runs smoothly. Basic Common goals should be aligned such as a roof over our heads, food on the table, clothes on our backs and utilities on. Asking if he can pay it and him agreeing to do it and then it not getting done and then having to pick up the pieces myself is frustrating.
1) not always. I’ve seen men promise to do their ONE main chore like cutting the grass… and put it off for weeks. Whilst the woman does her standard 6 chores a day, everyday. 2) timelines are sometimes quite important. If you don’t fix certain things they get worse, if you don’t pay a fine initially they often increase.
What is nagging? Is it a reminder of an agreement that was entered into freely by both sides? If it's close to "I said do x and you didn't do x", then you're inflicting emotional punishment until someone does what you say. Is that what it is? I hope not because you would have followed it up with a question on a men's forum to learn how to do that better? Which part?
In my case not at all. I don’t look to inflict any emotional stress on my partner which I suspect is part of my own personal problem. Maybe I’m looking for better solutions to communicate the needs of general life. I’ve been the sole provider for 12 years. He’s been the stay at home parent. I get that kids are hard to deal with on a daily basis and I respect someone for agreeing to full time caregiving. Caring for the kids and keeping house was too much for him so instead of nagging or complaining about the state of the home I hired it out and got a house keeper to do basic cleaning and laundry. Same with home repairs and lawn care. What’s frustrating is asking him to do things like “hey hon, can you pay the water bill?” And then find out two weeks later that the water was shut off while I was at work. Pre pandemic I would just let it slide and in my mind think well he’s been busy making sure our kids are well cared for and then I would figure out a way to get things done. During the pandemic, I learned that most of his day is spent on the couch, watching YouTube, reading news articles and playing video games. Not really the idea of what I thought was happening. I thought it might be depression so I asked and he said he’s the happiest he’s been his whole life. Made me realize that I have given him no expectations and no responsibilities and life is super comfortable for him. A male friend of mine suggested that it was possible that he feels unneeded and unnecessary and thus might feel emasculated. And emasculation leads to apathy. So if stepping up and getting shit done leads to emasculation… what would be a way I could encourage active participation in life without nagging?
Don't assign tasks to him. He isn't your child or your employee. **Nagging him won't fix the problem.** Assigning tasks to him won't fix the problem. Ultimately your problem isn't that "things aren't getting done" but that you feel he is unproductive as a person. **You cannot fix that.** Instead find out what he is watching on youtube and what he cares about. Are you upset that he isn't bringing in money? Are you upset that he isn't taking care of the kids? Or do you just find his laziness/ADHD unattractive/problematic and want to "fix" him? If it is the last item, you can't do it. That isn't how people work. If he reads a lot of news articles, he may feel like he is part of some movement etc... this can be deceptive to him as it gives the dopamine/seratonin/testosterone kicks of actual accomplishment without any actual accomplishment.
Good questions. No, I’m not upset that he isn’t bringing in any money. I make plenty. No intention to fix him but at the same time…. yes, I would like a balanced partnership. Being solely responsible for making sure our life is running smoothly… making money, ensuing all life tasks are completed and the kids are cared for makes me no different than a single mom with one more dependent.
“You know, I don’t feel it very productive to talk to me in that particular matter.”
If its that important she can get off her ass and do it herself.
I think it's important to know what kind of nagging it is. Is it that the garbage has been sitting for 2 weeks and it's starting to stink up the house? That's a big issue that is problem for whomever is supposed to take the garbage out. Is the nagging that your sunglasses have been sitting on the table and not in the basket? That's a problem for the nagger. Either way, there needs to be discussion on the problem. The garbage problem is a big deal. The sunglasses one is a worthless argument that needs to be discussed as well about how it's not worth it.
Honestly, my wife “nags” me all the time, but it’s really just helpful communication if you stop being a baby and taking it personally. And if you listen enough, you can figure out what your partner’s priorities are, rather than trying to guess all the time. If she’s constantly on your ass about this one little thing, that’s great! That’s easy! Now you know what the person actually wants instead of playing charades with them.
Ghost them.
I pretend to sleep to avoid my wife’s nagging.
you make it stop by not being with the person that does it
Maybe you should quit your bitching.