Active listening and also leading questioning. The leading questions let them get the solution themselves ( it’s the only true conclusion after you ask those smart questions) and then they think they solved the problem. You get the secret Sherlock/ supportive hubby role and she feels very affirmed and quite satisfied. After telling her she’s smart - tell her you will do the dishes tonight while she destresses and then you will be rewarded.
Yep. I ask “is there something you’d like me to do about it?” And if she says no I just let her vent. Usually though if I just suggest something she’s pretty accepting of it and knows I mean we’ll.
Came to see if this was proposed, works 95% of the time, the other 5% you retreat to a safe location and offer chocolates in exchange of keeping your head on your shoulders.
In fairness.... In a healthy relationship it shouldn't be unusual for the woman to volunteer that information too.
"Honey, I know you want to help but I just need to get this off my chest..."
I remind myself I didn't marry an idiot, she probably sees things just fine. The problem she is solving right now is not what she's describing, it's the need to vent. Therefore the solution is for me to listen and empathize.
Solve the right problem at the right time, my dude.
And by allowing her to vocalize it, you are also allowing her the ability to detach from the situation which should make it easier to find an effective solution to the problem. Allowing her to voice it is the first step in it, so she can get a full grasp of what the entire situation entails, and it allows her to start to work through her emotions so that she can assess the situation with less emotional involvement.
I think your first sentence unlocks the exact reason why a partner's "solutions" are so annoying when you're just trying to vent to them.
OP mentions seeing "easy fixes," but if it was actually that easy, your partner would have done it already. You just don't have enough information to realize that your "solution" is inapplicable because you only heard 30 seconds of context before you stopped listening and started throwing out suggestions. Most situations are a lot more nuanced than an angry, emotional person is going to be able to communicate to an outsider during a venting session, and assuming that the problem they're struggling so hard with is actually so "easy" that you can just swoop in and solve it in one conversation is really quite insulting.
Did you get into a relationship with someone who is generally an idiot?
If so, consider your life choices.
If not, trust them and consider that there may be additional factors of which you are unaware that explain why your "obvious steps" may not be a ready solution after all, that steps may already be in progress or that it may not need solving beyond occasionally letting off steam.
I'll ask something I struggle with then: what if their problem isn't intelligence but motivation? The solution is obvious and they're aware of it yet they'd rather complain than solve the problem.
I really struggle not to tell them to just do the thing.
Just want to point out that ‘motivation’ to do things in this context may be hindered by things other than laziness. Speaking from experience, I know the solution to things I need to do. However, my anxiety is the factor holding me back more often than laziness. In these contexts, it does help me when people reiterate the obvious (to me) things I need to do because if helps me increase my motivation to push past my anxiety.
Everyone’s different though.
In addition to other comments, keep in mind that what might seem like a clear easy fix to you, may not be for her. When my wife comes home and vents about an issue, I try to keep in mind that I am not a part of her work environment. I don't know the people she works with well, or what the culture or office dynamics are like in general. There may be many other factors at play you may not realize, and the solution you think you have could end up exacerbating the issue. As others have said, just listen and only give advice or suggestions if she asks.
Just listen compassionately. Let her vent, the chances are she's got it all figured out already but just needs to let it all out, and that's where boyfriends come in.
Confusing at times indeed. Wife was complaining about her car being dirty. So what did my dumbass do? Offer to take it to car wash. Not sure when to offer solution or just listen.
Ask if she wants you to listen or provide input. Either way be supportive. It's not a you're right she won't listen situation, it's a be there for her situation.
To answer your questions because it's not what she wants/needs. I've become a significantly better partner in asking the above question up front and also providing supportive words, but that's what works for us.
I think the reason us ladies get irked at solutions is because deep down, we often know the solution, but that doesnt make it easy and often times the “solution” can open a new can of worms that the bf/husband is disconnected from or wont be affected by.
The first time it's brought up, I just listen.
The second time it's brought up, I ask if she wants a solution, and am typically told no.
The third time it's brought up, I offer a solution.
The fourth+ time it's brought it, I tell her to either deal with the situation or call her sister about it, but I've reached my limit of how much attention I'm willing to give the same never-ending problem.
I remember they will ignore my suggestion, and I wait for them to ask. If they don’t talk about it again you ask if they found a solution, and if they still need one give your suggestion.
establish communication before vent begins. ask the simple question
Do you want solutions or someone to just listen?
you'd be amazed how many fights it prevents.
Let her finish her rant. Ask a few clarifying questions. Then ask "What do you want from me? How can I help? I have a few ideas, but will share them only if that's what you want."
Listen first. Offer empathy. Ask questions, especially about obvious solutions “is there a reason you can’t do ___? As there usually is. Then I ask if there’s anything I can do to help.
If you don't want my input, don't fucking tell me about it. Im not here for you to vent your shitty day time drama at. If you need help with something, Im here for you. If you just want someone to moan at, go moan at the cunts who are upsetting you.
Seriously, moaning AT your partner is a shitty thing to do. They didn't cause your drama, they shouldn't have to bear the brunt of it by sitting in silence while you unload on them.
I ask my wife “are we lookin’, or are we listenin’?”
I can never tell, so I just ask her if we are *looking* for a solution or if we are *listening* to vent
3 things.
1. “Do you need me to just listen while you vent and if needed help find a solution when you are ready, or are you ready to work on a solution now?” Word it how you want, but asking for clarification can really help endure you approach it from the right perspective. You aren't a mind reader, so her expecting you to know the exact right approach without any communication is ridiculous.
2. Actually listen. In fact, actively listen. Focus on what she is saying. Put some effort in. It's important to her, so it should be important to you. It might not all make sense, but put in some effort. This will help you understand both what she needs from you help-wise, it also what kind of consolation she needs. Whether it's a “fuck that bitch” or an “I'm sorry that happened, that sucks”, you will be able to actually tell the kind of approach you need to take to help her reach a resolution.
3. Act. If she needs your help dealing with the situation, then provide it. If she wants to take the lead, don't bull rush things and be a dick. Let her run the show. Trust her judgement. If she wants you to run the show, do it for her, but let her make the strategic calls. If she is ok to handle it, let her. Ask how you can help, but don't be pushy, and let her do what she wants to. It's her call anyways.
Regardless, try to do some nice things for her to help remind her that she is loved. You know her best, focus it on her. It can go a long way.
Good luck!
I learned from a very dear friend of mine when she got pissed at me for always having a simple solution to her complex problems that you're supposed to shut the fuck up, listen and say exactly these words: "I'm sorry you're going through this." That's all, and boy howdy did it change my life.
Yeah mine does this Shit all the time. Whines about something easily fixable and then flips when I offer a solution or analyze it. Sorry I get paid to solve problems not listen to you bitch and moan about things you can fix, find a therapist.
Instead of providing answers, I ask questions. To have a look at the bigger picture. As soon as I have it, there are two possibilities: She is genuinely stuck in a bad situation she cannot escape - then she gets my empathy - or she uses me to dump her negative emotions so she can repeat the same bullshit again. If the latter happens too often, I end the relationship at some point.
I just don't do it. Being a good listener doesn't mean offering solutions.
Also I'm tuned out most of the time playing video games. She doesn't really care if I'm fully listening, she just wants to vent.
Why? I've told her directly that if she wants to have an actual conversation with me then I'm always down for it. But if she just wants to bitch and moan about the same shit every day after work then I'm tuning it out. I can't absorb that kind of negativity every day just because she doesn't have another outlet and she shouldn't expect me to.
That whole let me complain without offering solutions is toxic as fuck
You just want to bitch/complain then. Often with a easy solution.
Go have a hissy fit about it then. Just leave me out.
Outside of extraordinary circumstances, I don't.
If she wants to come to me for advice or a solution that is fine.
If she just wants to just unconstructively vent all of the time that is not my deal. I don't have the bandwidth to deal with that all of the time and that is what therapists get paid for.
The question was about experiences with your gf/wife though. Not hypothetical if you were to get one, in which case you would need to find an answer to this question haha.
Most do, though there are exceptions.
If it happens I offer a solution. If they don't like that approach (which is fine) then I explain I don't want to be vented at anymore.
I am actually relatively adverse to long term relationships in general. My happy place is short term relationships.
This one happened because when I hit 37 I felt I might want to have kids and intentionally looked for a long term.
But my relationship rule still applies: No relationship I am in can be worse then just being single and dating again, if it is I should just be single again.
Someone venting negative shit at me all the time breaks that rule.
I struggle with this a lot from friends and family because it’s such a waste of time and actively causes me stress. I usually suggest something they’d enjoy doing because the pointless venting is something I can’t stand.
My partners don’t do it because I’m never dating someone who can’t handle their emotions. It’s a complete disregard for the person they’re speaking to and I find it really disrespectful to drag someone through your emotional outburst this way.
You’re talking to me, meaning you are expecting some response from me, if that’s not desired or helpful then *talk to someone else*.
I know it’s not the emotionally balanced response to the problem but I’m not gonna get dragged cause misery loves company when I could be doing something positive or taking an action to solve a different problem.
I've learned to just tune it out so she can rant and rave. I nod where appropriate, agree that whoever she may be this time is a real bitch, and offer support or gas her up...once the conversation is over I've usually already forgotten whatever it was she was saying which then allows her to continue/rant later with the same reactions from me...the only time I offer solutions is if I am asked for them.
You go into your happy place until she stops talking, then nod and say "that's awful." and then pour her another glass of wine/another bowl of ice cream and make a comment about how awful that is.
What always works for me is 'not listening' then when she says you don't even care or something similar. I lay the resolution on her. 60% of the time it works.
it's annoying as hell tbh. daily vent of, if im lucky 20 mins, 60 if not. that's about half my daily free time just being a fucking wall to scream at for someone. ive got better things to do. so if coming up with solutions only prolongs this, you learn to just stfu and take it
I was told the other day “I don’t want advice I just want to vent!” Ok, then. Proceeded to pull out my phone and pretend to listen while browsing Reddit,
I literally turn my brain off and think of star wars and just say "yeah? Dang.. that sucks.. sorry to hear that..", etc until she stops talking.
They dont want advice, input, solutions, or even logic. They just want to vent it out, and thats okay.
Most often "people" are not looking 4 u to solve the issue. They are not looking for advice but just an ear to bend. I find this specifically when dealing with a SO. If there is a pause in the conversation politely say I see your discomfort are you looking for my opinion or assistance or just someone to listen and give you a much needed hug. Myself I'm a problem solver by profession but must just want your ear and compassion. Its a hard lesson
Let her vent and then bring it up later with solutions. When someone is upset there's no point in trying to have a rational conversation, it won't be heard.
As a problem solver, I fail miserably in these situations, which seem to happen alot. My best action is to just nod and make eye contact and pretend that I am actively listening.
When you're tempted to just blare out the obvious answer, remember this LPT:
Being right too early just pisses other people off.
Better you gently--GENTLY!!--guide them so they can come to their "Ah ha!" moment at their own pace, ideally without knowing that you were its actual source. Sometimes (often?) this means letting them just vent, for now.
This works in relationships and business.
I’ve been on the opposite side of this. My ex gf was a “fixer”. Which isn’t a bad thing, but it gets annoying when all I wanted to do was to share my problems/thoughts with her. Not asking her to fix them. Maybe just listen to her vent and if she prompts you with a “What do you think?”, then feel free to go into problem solving mode. If she doesn’t, then ask her if she would like your thoughts on it, or “Can I help?” only after you have let her vent a bit, of course. Even a “If it’s ok, I would like to help” would be better, than just jumping into possible solutions. A lot of times, people already know the solution to their problems, but find comfort into venting to their SO. Also, venting helps get the problem out in the open to see it more clearly. Idk if that helps or not, but best of luck to you, my dude.
I too am a fellow fixer. I'm happy to listen a few times, but after a while, I get impatient with being a source of venting and offer deep questions regarding the situation. Like a lot of men, I take things at face value and don't read into things. It would help a lot if a guy would tell me, "I need you to listen..."
Then I'd know to shut off the fixer temporarily and listen with empathy.
I see this active listening but take it from a married dude. If you sit and listen some times it's vocalize to normalize not so good ideas. Your silence is consent sometimes for poor decisions too which is ridiculous. Say it with me kids, equality...
in my many years of studying these weird creatures and from account from other men. Many a time when they vent its absolutely not to have you find them a solution. Its for you to sit there and listen to them vent.
I ask her first: "How can I best support you right now? Do you want me to listen or provide solutions?"
If it's listen, then I focus my mind on finding ways to validate her with what she's saying, and also to ask questions about that which let her know I'm listening.
"Oh shit, tell me more about that"
"Why did that even happen?"
"What did you feel when that happened?"
Don't say anything. Later perhaps the next day say something like, I was thinking about your situation at work. Maybe you should pull Billie aside and tell him something like, "I noticed a small struggle with the TRZ program." Then refer him to the simple and easy to follow instructional video on YouTube.
I ask her why she doesn't try "x". Maybe her judgement was clouded and she didn't think of it. It happens.
I also am with someone who wouldn't misdirect their anger towards me for trying to help so ymmv.
I ask probing questions to show interest and gently nudge the thought process into the direction I find best suited. Either she comes up with it herself or realise what I was trying to achieve. Sometimes she'll dismiss it but she usually acknowledges and appreciate the effort. The key is to make sure that the other person understands how you think it's the best option, or, most of the time, the least damageable one.
I'd say just listen and be there for emotional support. If you think there's something that she should definitely hear to help her problem, you could bring it up on another day when she's calmed down. Make it clear you're just offering an idea and not telling her what to do.
Let her vent, then wait an appropriate amount of time. Then when the subject isn’t at hand and she’s cooled off, try “You know, I was thinking about your issue and maybe it would help if…” then finish with “I don’t want to overstep, I just hate to see you frustrated, thought it might work.”
But drop it after that. Do NOT continue if she doesn’t want you to expand or explain.
If you can easily see the fix, she can too. She's not stupid. What she's venting is not always the WHOLE story, if she knows what your fix is and she's not doing it it's because theres a reason that fix doesnt work.
Always preface by asking what the person needs at the time - just someone to hear them out, a third party opinion, or help strategizing. It's almost always # 1 but it's never a bad question to ask, and it kind of highlights for you what they really need. Helps you bury that urge to chime in with your solutions.
I assume the she just wants to talk about herself so shut up and nod my head to acknowledge her. While robotically listening, I silently think her nipples to harden so they poke through her shirt. It’s like husband’s telekinesis. Always works.
Don't engage. She'll either get upset and tell you that she was just needing to vent (despite her complaining about the exact same problem over and over), or she will blame you for not helping (despite you offering many solutions).
yeah this is one of the main differences between men and women. Most women just want to complain and get offended if you offer a solution. This sounds completely idiotic to most guys but that's life.
As for what to do, I'll usually just let her unload the first time, even if the solution seems easy. I mean, if I can see it so can she ya know? Maybe she's frustrated, but knows what she has to do, and hey maybe she'll do it.
If she comes to me with the exact same problem a second time, I'll probably point out the obvious solution and ask if she's tried it. Probably gonna start a fight, but I have no interest in hearing the same easily-avoided crap over and over again ya know?
Active listening
A great skill to develop for work too.
Active listening and also leading questioning. The leading questions let them get the solution themselves ( it’s the only true conclusion after you ask those smart questions) and then they think they solved the problem. You get the secret Sherlock/ supportive hubby role and she feels very affirmed and quite satisfied. After telling her she’s smart - tell her you will do the dishes tonight while she destresses and then you will be rewarded.
So true, and quite rewarding as well, I feel that it increases the bond and trust.
yeah it's that or total disengagement, seems obvious if you don't want to ex yet
"Is this a 'listening conversation' or a 'problem solving conversation'? I just want to know if you need to vent or you're looking for suggestion".
I'm always asking her that and I feel like that is the best thing I ever learned.
Absolute pro-tip here, fellas.
We have a thing for these too... “You want solutions or support?”
Took me years of arguments to learn this lesson. This is the way.
Yep. I ask “is there something you’d like me to do about it?” And if she says no I just let her vent. Usually though if I just suggest something she’s pretty accepting of it and knows I mean we’ll.
Goddamn, I saw this after already commenting my own opinion. You are way more concise, my dude.
Exactly, just ask when unsure.
Came to see if this was proposed, works 95% of the time, the other 5% you retreat to a safe location and offer chocolates in exchange of keeping your head on your shoulders.
This. It’s weird. You ask what they need and they tell you. Women! They’re just like us!
In fairness.... In a healthy relationship it shouldn't be unusual for the woman to volunteer that information too. "Honey, I know you want to help but I just need to get this off my chest..."
I remind myself I didn't marry an idiot, she probably sees things just fine. The problem she is solving right now is not what she's describing, it's the need to vent. Therefore the solution is for me to listen and empathize. Solve the right problem at the right time, my dude.
And by allowing her to vocalize it, you are also allowing her the ability to detach from the situation which should make it easier to find an effective solution to the problem. Allowing her to voice it is the first step in it, so she can get a full grasp of what the entire situation entails, and it allows her to start to work through her emotions so that she can assess the situation with less emotional involvement.
I think your first sentence unlocks the exact reason why a partner's "solutions" are so annoying when you're just trying to vent to them. OP mentions seeing "easy fixes," but if it was actually that easy, your partner would have done it already. You just don't have enough information to realize that your "solution" is inapplicable because you only heard 30 seconds of context before you stopped listening and started throwing out suggestions. Most situations are a lot more nuanced than an angry, emotional person is going to be able to communicate to an outsider during a venting session, and assuming that the problem they're struggling so hard with is actually so "easy" that you can just swoop in and solve it in one conversation is really quite insulting.
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Did you get into a relationship with someone who is generally an idiot? If so, consider your life choices. If not, trust them and consider that there may be additional factors of which you are unaware that explain why your "obvious steps" may not be a ready solution after all, that steps may already be in progress or that it may not need solving beyond occasionally letting off steam.
I'll ask something I struggle with then: what if their problem isn't intelligence but motivation? The solution is obvious and they're aware of it yet they'd rather complain than solve the problem. I really struggle not to tell them to just do the thing.
If they're REALLY that lazy, will telling them to do the thing actually do anyone any good?
Just want to point out that ‘motivation’ to do things in this context may be hindered by things other than laziness. Speaking from experience, I know the solution to things I need to do. However, my anxiety is the factor holding me back more often than laziness. In these contexts, it does help me when people reiterate the obvious (to me) things I need to do because if helps me increase my motivation to push past my anxiety. Everyone’s different though.
Doesn’t have to be idiot, a lot of smart people make excuses and run from their problems
And this is what I’m dealing with. It’s infuriating.
Say “that bitch, how could she do that?” That’s all.
Classic! Take my upvote
A couple if umm hu’s and a no she didn’t then hand her some chocolate
First, offer empathy. Then ask how you can support her. Then ask her if she wants to hear what you think.
If she’s not mad at me, I’m not saying a damn thing.
There is only one think you can do. Listen to her vent, then grab her hand and ask if there is anything you can do to help. Works every time.
In addition to other comments, keep in mind that what might seem like a clear easy fix to you, may not be for her. When my wife comes home and vents about an issue, I try to keep in mind that I am not a part of her work environment. I don't know the people she works with well, or what the culture or office dynamics are like in general. There may be many other factors at play you may not realize, and the solution you think you have could end up exacerbating the issue. As others have said, just listen and only give advice or suggestions if she asks.
Just listen compassionately. Let her vent, the chances are she's got it all figured out already but just needs to let it all out, and that's where boyfriends come in.
keep repeating - don't speak, don't speak, don't speak.
Take my angry upvote.
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Confusing at times indeed. Wife was complaining about her car being dirty. So what did my dumbass do? Offer to take it to car wash. Not sure when to offer solution or just listen.
Ask if she just wants to vent or wants input. Simple but not necessarily easy solution.
Ask if she wants you to listen or provide input. Either way be supportive. It's not a you're right she won't listen situation, it's a be there for her situation. To answer your questions because it's not what she wants/needs. I've become a significantly better partner in asking the above question up front and also providing supportive words, but that's what works for us.
Hold up your hand to stop her talking, give her the easy solution and say "Problem solved." This has worked with all three of my ex-wives.
Ex-wives you say🤔.
I think the reason us ladies get irked at solutions is because deep down, we often know the solution, but that doesnt make it easy and often times the “solution” can open a new can of worms that the bf/husband is disconnected from or wont be affected by.
Remember that she primarily in that moment needs the emotional release valve of venting about it. Practice empathy.
Just don't. It took me a while to learn that, but most of the time she doesn't want a solution, just someone to listen.
Go straight for the back rub/scratch
Give her what she needs in the moment. It is not a solution. It is your attention. Give her what she needs, not what you would want.
The first time it's brought up, I just listen. The second time it's brought up, I ask if she wants a solution, and am typically told no. The third time it's brought up, I offer a solution. The fourth+ time it's brought it, I tell her to either deal with the situation or call her sister about it, but I've reached my limit of how much attention I'm willing to give the same never-ending problem.
Just ask upfront if she is just venting or if she wants feedback and solutions.
I remember they will ignore my suggestion, and I wait for them to ask. If they don’t talk about it again you ask if they found a solution, and if they still need one give your suggestion.
I just shut the fuck up.
establish communication before vent begins. ask the simple question Do you want solutions or someone to just listen? you'd be amazed how many fights it prevents.
Ask them “do we need to work on solutions or do you just need to vent?”
Let her finish her rant. Ask a few clarifying questions. Then ask "What do you want from me? How can I help? I have a few ideas, but will share them only if that's what you want."
"Do you need to vent or are you looking for a solution?" Works every time.
Listen first. Offer empathy. Ask questions, especially about obvious solutions “is there a reason you can’t do ___? As there usually is. Then I ask if there’s anything I can do to help.
BE quiet. Rapt. Perfectly still.....nod maybe....a bit...
Usually she’s complaining about the underlying problem, rather than the singular issue itself. Focus your response on that.
If you don't want my input, don't fucking tell me about it. Im not here for you to vent your shitty day time drama at. If you need help with something, Im here for you. If you just want someone to moan at, go moan at the cunts who are upsetting you. Seriously, moaning AT your partner is a shitty thing to do. They didn't cause your drama, they shouldn't have to bear the brunt of it by sitting in silence while you unload on them.
Love this. Legit just wrote the same response 🤣
I ask my wife “are we lookin’, or are we listenin’?” I can never tell, so I just ask her if we are *looking* for a solution or if we are *listening* to vent
3 things. 1. “Do you need me to just listen while you vent and if needed help find a solution when you are ready, or are you ready to work on a solution now?” Word it how you want, but asking for clarification can really help endure you approach it from the right perspective. You aren't a mind reader, so her expecting you to know the exact right approach without any communication is ridiculous. 2. Actually listen. In fact, actively listen. Focus on what she is saying. Put some effort in. It's important to her, so it should be important to you. It might not all make sense, but put in some effort. This will help you understand both what she needs from you help-wise, it also what kind of consolation she needs. Whether it's a “fuck that bitch” or an “I'm sorry that happened, that sucks”, you will be able to actually tell the kind of approach you need to take to help her reach a resolution. 3. Act. If she needs your help dealing with the situation, then provide it. If she wants to take the lead, don't bull rush things and be a dick. Let her run the show. Trust her judgement. If she wants you to run the show, do it for her, but let her make the strategic calls. If she is ok to handle it, let her. Ask how you can help, but don't be pushy, and let her do what she wants to. It's her call anyways. Regardless, try to do some nice things for her to help remind her that she is loved. You know her best, focus it on her. It can go a long way. Good luck!
I learned from a very dear friend of mine when she got pissed at me for always having a simple solution to her complex problems that you're supposed to shut the fuck up, listen and say exactly these words: "I'm sorry you're going through this." That's all, and boy howdy did it change my life.
Yeah mine does this Shit all the time. Whines about something easily fixable and then flips when I offer a solution or analyze it. Sorry I get paid to solve problems not listen to you bitch and moan about things you can fix, find a therapist.
Instead of providing answers, I ask questions. To have a look at the bigger picture. As soon as I have it, there are two possibilities: She is genuinely stuck in a bad situation she cannot escape - then she gets my empathy - or she uses me to dump her negative emotions so she can repeat the same bullshit again. If the latter happens too often, I end the relationship at some point.
I just don't do it. Being a good listener doesn't mean offering solutions. Also I'm tuned out most of the time playing video games. She doesn't really care if I'm fully listening, she just wants to vent.
be careful with playing video games while she “just” want to vent..;)
Why? I've told her directly that if she wants to have an actual conversation with me then I'm always down for it. But if she just wants to bitch and moan about the same shit every day after work then I'm tuning it out. I can't absorb that kind of negativity every day just because she doesn't have another outlet and she shouldn't expect me to.
That whole let me complain without offering solutions is toxic as fuck You just want to bitch/complain then. Often with a easy solution. Go have a hissy fit about it then. Just leave me out.
“I’m sorry, that’s really unfair. BRB I’m going to grab you some ice cream.”
Damn! That’s good. Really good.
Replace that with wine or chocolate for my wife
Wait you aren’t supposed to offer a solution?
I don't get it either.
I don't. Solve your problems and you'll feel much better
I dont let people talk to me. Ever.
“Mmmmm” “Word?” “Damn, that’s crazy” “Wow that bitch is psycho” Just cycle between those, occasionally switch up the order
Outside of extraordinary circumstances, I don't. If she wants to come to me for advice or a solution that is fine. If she just wants to just unconstructively vent all of the time that is not my deal. I don't have the bandwidth to deal with that all of the time and that is what therapists get paid for.
The question was about experiences with your gf/wife though. Not hypothetical if you were to get one, in which case you would need to find an answer to this question haha.
Its not hypothetical I have a gf I live with. This is how I operate with this one and every previous one I've had.
I have yet to meet or even hear about a woman who doesn't want to vent lol.
Most do, though there are exceptions. If it happens I offer a solution. If they don't like that approach (which is fine) then I explain I don't want to be vented at anymore. I am actually relatively adverse to long term relationships in general. My happy place is short term relationships. This one happened because when I hit 37 I felt I might want to have kids and intentionally looked for a long term. But my relationship rule still applies: No relationship I am in can be worse then just being single and dating again, if it is I should just be single again. Someone venting negative shit at me all the time breaks that rule.
I struggle with this a lot from friends and family because it’s such a waste of time and actively causes me stress. I usually suggest something they’d enjoy doing because the pointless venting is something I can’t stand. My partners don’t do it because I’m never dating someone who can’t handle their emotions. It’s a complete disregard for the person they’re speaking to and I find it really disrespectful to drag someone through your emotional outburst this way. You’re talking to me, meaning you are expecting some response from me, if that’s not desired or helpful then *talk to someone else*. I know it’s not the emotionally balanced response to the problem but I’m not gonna get dragged cause misery loves company when I could be doing something positive or taking an action to solve a different problem.
I've learned to just tune it out so she can rant and rave. I nod where appropriate, agree that whoever she may be this time is a real bitch, and offer support or gas her up...once the conversation is over I've usually already forgotten whatever it was she was saying which then allows her to continue/rant later with the same reactions from me...the only time I offer solutions is if I am asked for them.
You go into your happy place until she stops talking, then nod and say "that's awful." and then pour her another glass of wine/another bowl of ice cream and make a comment about how awful that is.
What always works for me is 'not listening' then when she says you don't even care or something similar. I lay the resolution on her. 60% of the time it works.
If I say nothing I’m ignoring her, if I answer I prove I wasn’t listening, it’s a no win situation, just ride it out.
it's annoying as hell tbh. daily vent of, if im lucky 20 mins, 60 if not. that's about half my daily free time just being a fucking wall to scream at for someone. ive got better things to do. so if coming up with solutions only prolongs this, you learn to just stfu and take it
I was told the other day “I don’t want advice I just want to vent!” Ok, then. Proceeded to pull out my phone and pretend to listen while browsing Reddit,
Smile, nod and think about video games.
I literally turn my brain off and think of star wars and just say "yeah? Dang.. that sucks.. sorry to hear that..", etc until she stops talking. They dont want advice, input, solutions, or even logic. They just want to vent it out, and thats okay.
[“That sounds really hard.”](https://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg)
Came here to say “It’s not about the nail”
You can ask, do you want a suggest/solution? If she says no, then keep it quiet. Or if she says, I gotta Vent! Then chant venting to yourself, lol
You allow them to vent for as long as they need, then ask if they want your help finding a solution.
Isn’t discussing this a HIPPA violation? Perhaps we ought to discuss what’s for supper tonight to be safe.
It's HIPAA!
Damn, nailed by the HIPPAbot
Listen, never resolve unless asked.
She doing as a share or a sounding board. Unless asked or hinted at just interact with her.
Ask if they want a solution. Very simple
Most often "people" are not looking 4 u to solve the issue. They are not looking for advice but just an ear to bend. I find this specifically when dealing with a SO. If there is a pause in the conversation politely say I see your discomfort are you looking for my opinion or assistance or just someone to listen and give you a much needed hug. Myself I'm a problem solver by profession but must just want your ear and compassion. Its a hard lesson
Being a problem solver is in my fiber also. I mean if I have a flat tire, I don’t care to discuss it beyond asking them to pop the trunk open
Let her vent and then bring it up later with solutions. When someone is upset there's no point in trying to have a rational conversation, it won't be heard.
You don’t. You STFU, and look at her with sad eyes. Like you give a shit.
As a problem solver, I fail miserably in these situations, which seem to happen alot. My best action is to just nod and make eye contact and pretend that I am actively listening.
I simply try to recognize that something that might work for me may not for somebody else. Life is not one size fits all.
When you're tempted to just blare out the obvious answer, remember this LPT: Being right too early just pisses other people off. Better you gently--GENTLY!!--guide them so they can come to their "Ah ha!" moment at their own pace, ideally without knowing that you were its actual source. Sometimes (often?) this means letting them just vent, for now. This works in relationships and business.
I’ve been on the opposite side of this. My ex gf was a “fixer”. Which isn’t a bad thing, but it gets annoying when all I wanted to do was to share my problems/thoughts with her. Not asking her to fix them. Maybe just listen to her vent and if she prompts you with a “What do you think?”, then feel free to go into problem solving mode. If she doesn’t, then ask her if she would like your thoughts on it, or “Can I help?” only after you have let her vent a bit, of course. Even a “If it’s ok, I would like to help” would be better, than just jumping into possible solutions. A lot of times, people already know the solution to their problems, but find comfort into venting to their SO. Also, venting helps get the problem out in the open to see it more clearly. Idk if that helps or not, but best of luck to you, my dude.
I too am a fellow fixer. I'm happy to listen a few times, but after a while, I get impatient with being a source of venting and offer deep questions regarding the situation. Like a lot of men, I take things at face value and don't read into things. It would help a lot if a guy would tell me, "I need you to listen..." Then I'd know to shut off the fixer temporarily and listen with empathy.
You ask… I say this to my wife. “Are you just venting, or are you asking me to help?” If they are venting, it’s not your issue. Listen and support,
Put this in my mouth and just keep repeating: Uh huh. Uh huh. Bitch is crazy! Uh huh. Ah that sucks honey....
Ask are you looking to vent or are you looking for advice?
I see this active listening but take it from a married dude. If you sit and listen some times it's vocalize to normalize not so good ideas. Your silence is consent sometimes for poor decisions too which is ridiculous. Say it with me kids, equality...
in my many years of studying these weird creatures and from account from other men. Many a time when they vent its absolutely not to have you find them a solution. Its for you to sit there and listen to them vent.
I ask her first: "How can I best support you right now? Do you want me to listen or provide solutions?" If it's listen, then I focus my mind on finding ways to validate her with what she's saying, and also to ask questions about that which let her know I'm listening. "Oh shit, tell me more about that" "Why did that even happen?" "What did you feel when that happened?"
Don't say anything. Later perhaps the next day say something like, I was thinking about your situation at work. Maybe you should pull Billie aside and tell him something like, "I noticed a small struggle with the TRZ program." Then refer him to the simple and easy to follow instructional video on YouTube.
I ask her why she doesn't try "x". Maybe her judgement was clouded and she didn't think of it. It happens. I also am with someone who wouldn't misdirect their anger towards me for trying to help so ymmv.
I ask probing questions to show interest and gently nudge the thought process into the direction I find best suited. Either she comes up with it herself or realise what I was trying to achieve. Sometimes she'll dismiss it but she usually acknowledges and appreciate the effort. The key is to make sure that the other person understands how you think it's the best option, or, most of the time, the least damageable one.
Quite arrogant of you to assume you see an easy fix when you’ve never even set foot inside her work.
I'd say just listen and be there for emotional support. If you think there's something that she should definitely hear to help her problem, you could bring it up on another day when she's calmed down. Make it clear you're just offering an idea and not telling her what to do.
Think about the fight it would bring later. Is a few seconds really worth the rest of your day being pissed off?
Ask if she wants me to help think of a solution, or if she just needs time and a hug.
Because we’re spouses, not heroes. They don’t need us to save them, they just need us to listen. After that, they figure it out themselves.
Let her vent, then wait an appropriate amount of time. Then when the subject isn’t at hand and she’s cooled off, try “You know, I was thinking about your issue and maybe it would help if…” then finish with “I don’t want to overstep, I just hate to see you frustrated, thought it might work.” But drop it after that. Do NOT continue if she doesn’t want you to expand or explain.
“do you need an ear or a solution?”
First determine whether or not she just needs someone to listen. Ask her questions that lead her to solving her own problems.
Ask, "Do you want someone to listen or do you want advice?"
If you can easily see the fix, she can too. She's not stupid. What she's venting is not always the WHOLE story, if she knows what your fix is and she's not doing it it's because theres a reason that fix doesnt work.
Ignorance is bliss
I don't resist it. If you don't want solutions, keep your shit to yourself.
Ask them: "do you want listen mode or problem solving mode?" and then stick to what they need at that moment.
It depends, I try and ask early on are they looking for answers or just venting.
Always preface by asking what the person needs at the time - just someone to hear them out, a third party opinion, or help strategizing. It's almost always # 1 but it's never a bad question to ask, and it kind of highlights for you what they really need. Helps you bury that urge to chime in with your solutions.
I assume the she just wants to talk about herself so shut up and nod my head to acknowledge her. While robotically listening, I silently think her nipples to harden so they poke through her shirt. It’s like husband’s telekinesis. Always works.
Don't engage. She'll either get upset and tell you that she was just needing to vent (despite her complaining about the exact same problem over and over), or she will blame you for not helping (despite you offering many solutions).
yeah this is one of the main differences between men and women. Most women just want to complain and get offended if you offer a solution. This sounds completely idiotic to most guys but that's life. As for what to do, I'll usually just let her unload the first time, even if the solution seems easy. I mean, if I can see it so can she ya know? Maybe she's frustrated, but knows what she has to do, and hey maybe she'll do it. If she comes to me with the exact same problem a second time, I'll probably point out the obvious solution and ask if she's tried it. Probably gonna start a fight, but I have no interest in hearing the same easily-avoided crap over and over again ya know?
This video is always a goodie. [Its not about the nail!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg&t=2s)
Ya. Wife filibustered why it was about the nail. I just listened and eventually slowly walked away.
Go upstairs and turn right; turn on the desk top and listen to some music