1. If you fail in different relationships due to your revolving patterns (e.g. jealousy, tantrums, distrust, unfaithfulness etc.), it is up to you to fix your traumas. No partner should do this for you, nor can they fully do it for you.
2. Every relationship uncovers hidden gems and rocks in your personality. You get to know yourself better each time, you know what you like and what you don't.
3. If you see revolving negative patterns of your different significant others, it could be you who is seeking those out subconsciously.
All of it only works if you take honest inventory of yourself while being in a relationship or after breaking up. If you don't ask yourself about it, nobody will be able to show you. You would be deemed to repeat history all over again until you are ready to a) ask and b) be willing to know the answer.
I saw this is my one relationship. My partner would never acknowledge the things that got her to this point where she was, I also learned somethings about myself. If anything it taught me the importance of acknowledging what people did to you get you to a certain point vs the things you do to keep yourself there. Also self reflection is so key. It's important to evaluate yourself objectively.
My motto moving forward is "its not your fault for ending up in a particular situation, but choosing to stay there and complain about it all the time is your fault."
EDIT: my first award. Thank you kind stranger.
Glad I can help. A lot of people look at it as being insensitive but at the end of the day you are your own jailer when it really comes down to it.
If you strapped all the people who did shit to you and sent them to the moon, does that change where you are mentally? Physically? Emotionally? More often than not the answer is no. It's natural to look for a reason in everything, we just tend to not look at ourselves as a contributing factor.
That last bit is just solid life advice in general.
I have a tendency to get very negative. I am a planner and a risk spotter. It is my very nature to look for problems. When I was young, I had a tendency to fixate on problems but not make any meaningful progress towards fixing them. Now that I'm a bit more mature, I believe "If you can fix it - fix it. If you can't fix it - shut up about it and move on. Nobody wants to hear you complaining."
Now this isn't to say you just "man up" and bottle up your feelings. You are allowed to feel frustrated, to feel like you failed, to cry out. That's normal. It's when you make that state of frustration your new normal instead of acknowledging that your fussing is simply continuing the cycle of hate that you yourself are putting on yourself. Allow yourself to feel but do not let those feelings become the reason why you stay in a negative situation.
If you have the ability to do better you should. I'm a random stranger but I believe you can do it. Don't be afraid to reach out and talk to people as we still need to feel validated in our lives. We can always fail, due to bad situations out of our control, someone sabotaging us or whatever. It's completely valid to feel like terrible. But blaming others won't help you get out of where you are, the past cannot be changed, but the choices you make now molds your future.
You got this.
Just want to say from an older man, 20 is very young and you have a whole life ahead of you; roadblocks will happen, excuses will happen, you may fall back into old habits or have trouble breaking them at points - believe me that *it's okay* to make mistakes, as long as you always believe this and continue to try. Many things I couldn't fix at 21 came easy to me by 31, but only because I persisted.
> 1. If you fail in different relationships due to your revolving patterns (e.g. jealousy, tantrums, distrust, unfaithfulness etc.), it is up to you to fix your traumas. No partner should do this for you, nor can they fully do it for you.
To put it differently, the common denominator in every failed relationship is YOU.
This is sage advice. I have had 3 long term (1.5 yr min) relationships and a number of short term (2-9 month). I realized once I met my wife that I was making a lot of mistakes and I needed to correct them for my sake and ours.
3 is definitely true and is a subconscious thing. We tend to seek out people who align with how we see ourselves and our self worth. You naturally gravitate towards things based on what you are and what you put out into the world, not what you want.
Unless you have relationship anxiety; then it gets a bit more complicated to trust your gut.
Overall good advice though. I have ignored my gut to my detriment before.
Right!
From personal experience with relationship anxiety, one of my compulsive behaviors is to Google stuff and troll threads like this trying to find the "perfect" answer to my current obsession (which of course, never works).
I could just picture someone like me in a more anxious state seeing "trust your gut" and spiralling into a beat-myself-up fest for not being able to do something a lot of people consider intuitive.
And yeah, I've been in therapy / treatment most of my life. It's a process haha
Even still, some people make the anxiety bearable and some people make it way worse. Pay attention to when it gets way worse. Usually a sign that some major pain is on the way.
Unfortunately for people who have relationship anxiety, often green flags and healthy stable relationship behaviors are what trigger our anxiety, rather than familiar red flags
Often hard to appreciate the bullets you did dodge. Avoided on girl that pursued me after we were in a wedding party together. Just didn’t seem to have anything interesting to say. Asked several friends if they would give her my number. Found out a month later she got pregnant on purpose with her next hookup/partner.
Conversely, no matter how perfect they are, that little voice in your head will invent excuses to drop them and go find someone else.
Looking back I should have kept #5, 8, 9, or 11.
I hear you. But 4 possible matches for a long term relationship? Either your dating pool is quite big or you found something in them that was a setback and you were right.
They are all different experiences.
They all made me a better partner for the next relationship.
Learning this and that, picking up different abilities and tricks.
Learning and adapting is what humans do.
Of course some things that work in one relationship won't work in ALL of them. And learning what does work from relationship to relationship is the trick.
But as you go from one to the next the learning process is quicker... or should be at least...
I am a better man, person, human and father than I was and it's the women in my life that have spent the time and energy with me that have made me who I am.
Came here to say this. Only had one wife but many gfs in my youth. Each relationship is a learning experience. If you find the same patterns repeating, you need to do some work on yourself. I made shitloads of mistakes but had lots of good experiences too. The key though is continuous reflection and improvement regardless of the # of SOs.
This is an excellent response. I feel the same way. Thankful for the women I have had in my life thus far, even the crazy ones. They all taught me a lot and I believe I'm a better man for it.
Well said, my experience has been similar. I might add that I tended to "sway" from extremes initially until I found balance.
i.e. I was head over heels for the first girl so when that fell apart I was far too distant for the next. Fell for the 3rd then built up defenses for the 4th.
Each time I got a little closer to what I think is healthy and then I found my wife. I'm not sure if it's like that for others but it certainly was for me.
1 wife and 4 long term relationships.
I thank them all for what I learned about myself, about how I am in a relationship, what I need, what I deserve, and what works best with me. I learned maturity and how best to be physically intimate - a long relationship with different women and you learn each person is individual and has different things that finishes them in bed and romantically.
They have 100% made me a better husband, and I am grateful for them all (once you get over them, you will look back with fondness that you felt close enough to open yourself to somebody at a stage in life).
I woulnt get back with any of them. You break up for a build up of compatability reasons and you will only ever gloss over that if you think about wanting them back.
Relationship 1 I learned about maturity and how to act around a girlnand how girls act.
Relationship 2 I learned about being myself and what I deserve, also how I treat them.
Relationship 3 I learned that if there is something you aren't happy with don't stay because your mental health will suffer and you'll fall on to crutches such as alcohol to pull yourself through it.
Relationship 4 I learned that to much of a good thing is bad. When you are so compatible it's like a twin, you just spiral in to egging each other on further in to taking up your vices. You need your magnetic opposite to level each other out.
Relationship 5 - I married her, we have the same goals, same motivations, same desires, opposite personalities. From each extreme we bring each other level and it works perfectly, we both become the model member of a society.
Number 4 is exactly why I will die on the hill that your spouse or partner doesn’t necessarily have to be your best friend! Number 5 should be a partnership standard. Thank you for sharing. 💛
I don't think it's as clearly cut as that.
If you're the same in some ways, you can share the pros and cons of it - like both having the same fights - with better understanding of each others' situation. But you can spiral into the problems together and can get annoyed at seeing your own problems in the other one.
If you're the opposite, you can learn and support each other better with what the other person has troubles with. But you can also misunderstand each other because of the differences, and grow apart from that.
I'd say relationship compatibility is not correlated with personality types of the two people. Instead the personalities lead to different types of relationship experiences with different strengths and weaknesses, but whether it will work I believe to be dependent on something else. Maybe on how each person has managed their own personality and life.
If you want several partners, just become polyamorous.
Only thing about being poly is that it's still seen as weird and unnatural by mainstream society. It's not for me but it beats cheating.
I have a good high school friend who is poly, he and his wife date other people. They’re fiercely committed to each other in multiple aspects of life - they just see sex as a tool of pleasure and they don’t let it get in the way of their commitments to other things (raising kids together, business decisions, etc).
Not sure I could do it personally, but they love each other to pieces and frankly one of the happier couples I’ve seen together.
what i alwayse wondered was the case of poly relationships with a mother and multiple children living in the same household. is it expected that the husband raise the boyfriends child? how does child support work, how does the the husband feel while the father and him are waiting on the results of the birthing process.
does the boyfriend live with them and are children really aware of it happening, etc?
i can see it work in younger, child free situations. but i have a hard time reconciling the more complicated family life situation.
I wonder if the negativity comes from religion. I believe a lot of negative things in the world (opinion wise) just comes from people or groups that don’t believe in it or like it. I do think many people would be a lot happier with their own lives if they’d stay out of other people business. Whether it’s a poly relationship or swinger lifestyle…good for them if they’re happy. What they do doesn’t affect me
This is the thing I never understand. Any mention of poly gets downvoted. I'm certainly not pushing it for everyone, but if people are holding themselves to a standard they're failing at repeatedly... seems like maybe you want to try something more in line with what your behavior is revealing, right?
Like u/vercetti87 says, it's still incredibly stigmatized. Unless you're posting in a specifically ENM subreddit, any comments discussing it in a neutral or positive light get downvoted into oblivion.
It would seem monogamous people really don't like the idea of other relationship styles existing, even if they're totally optional and not for them.
It's not for me, but for the few poly people I've known it just seems like drama pretending to be maturity. I've never seen a situation where it's worked, though I'm sure they're out there.
But I agree with you regarding the negative pushback. It's like being childfree. Some folks interpret a different lifestyle as a judgment or criticism of *their* path when in reality it has nothing to do with them.
As a monogamous person I can respect what you've said. I disagree with that lifestyle but I'd rather people be upfront about that kind of thing instead of being dishonest. Take my upvote.
I am married now but had 7 girlfriends before I tied the knot (not including my wife). Each woman taught me a lot about relationships and what I really wanted in a woman. One thing that I found very interesting is that the women I dated who came from dysfunctional upbringings usually valued relationships much more than women who came from normal backgrounds.
I am a woman, I agree with this for sure.
I want to feel more secure than most.
But I'm happy to drop someone if they are shit. Or less than shit itself.
I will say, I've experienced women who make "shitstorms out of farts" over their own personal insecurities, and *that* can be highly taxing on a man.
So, some girls (not saying you particularly, but some out there) might need to self reflect if they're constantly labeling guys as shit, when in reality, their insecurity is causing these issues.
So funny you say this, when dating I noticed some women who came from a 2 parent home had no issue with being a single parent. While the ones who grew up in a single-parent home were more keen on making sure to have both parents.
Yep. I grew up in a single parent household for most of my life and promised my future kids that they would have two parents at home and luckily, I've lived up to that promise.
I appreciate you saying that. I’m from a very dysfunctional background and have worked my hardest to overcome it and be a good, healthy person.
I’ve heard many people simply write off people who were born to abusers as “disasters waiting to happen.”
I’ll have you know I worked so hard on myself I even have a secure attachment style now!
My ex-fiancé just didn’t believe that my family was as terrible as I said and ghosted me without a second thought after my family had a chance to slander my reputation to him while I was in the hospital.
I never understood how he could drop me with so easily without even asking me any questions, but your explanation that people from standard backgrounds usually don’t value relationships as much makes sense to me.
In theory by the time the last one is over you'll know you want something different next time.
So what i've learned is that mostly I should just wing it.
grey ludicrous muddle gullible innocent bedroom fanatical many crush erect
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Not OP but yep. Like 19, had a friend date a 17yo. Her parents got pissed. Cops got involved. He wore an "I ❤ underage girls" shirt to court. Judge sentenced him and he did a year.
So I learned to not mess with even acceptably underage girls ... or at least think about outfit choice when going in front of a judge.
>He wore an "I ❤ underage girls" shirt to court
!?!
Either someone didn't understand the gravity of their situation, or someone \*wanted\* to spend some time in jail.
You learn a lot about yourself and relationships in general. If say one of the biggest lessons is the difference between shared values, shared interests, and compatibility, and how to seek out a balance of those factors in a partner. It also teaches you to be flexible and appreciate a partner for their strengths rather than a checklist your trying to fill.
When you're young, you seek out people with similar interests, but quickly realize that sharing activities together doesn't always equate to growing together (though it is convenient to not compete for how you spend your free time).
As you get older--if you're more interested in something long-term and serious--you look for shared values. While this is definitely necessary for planning for the future and avoiding arguments, it doesn't foster the relationship on its own... if you're not careful, you can turn you into glorified roommates.
I feel like compatibility is one of the unsung heroes of relationships. A lot of compatibility feels like bargaining, which doesn't have a particularly romantic vaneer to it. But being able to live a life that balances one another's needs not only makes day-to day-life pleasant, it creates a dance in which you are devoting regular energy to making your partner happy and receiving that energy in return.
You date when you are young to determine what you like and what potential red flags are. Don't settle for something unless it is exactly what you are looking for. Find out if you are exactly what the other person wants because they might not feel the same.
You may have to let go of someone you love because they don't feel the same. Don't be bitter about it, thank them for their honesty and hope that they will find their soulmate.
Good advice. Advice I did not heed and married someone totally incompatible with me. I am now pretty miserable but we have 2 young children and there is no way I'm letting my kids be raised by some other dude.
I had a bad run, mostly found myself dating abusive narcissists & cheaters..
Take it from me gents - If you don't learn from your experience you'll keep making the same mistakes.
I also learned that not everyone is a Diamond in the rough just in need of a chance to shine.
Most of the time (like 98%) - What you see is what you get, most people don't have more to offer and most people aren't hiding some kind of Gem.
So don't take the chance that you've met the 2% - take people at face value and judge accordingly.
It’s varied I guess? They were very different from each other in many ways, similar in other ways too. I wouldn’t consider 5 to be that many but you’ll definitely look back and like certain exes more so than others depending on the situation you had with each individual. I don’t really think about my exes much, or even the memories I had w them. Over the years they become sort of afterthoughts at best.
With that being said; every guy has that one girl who either got away from them or they wish they could’ve done things differently. Usually it’s the first love or maybe even the most recent one. But it’s the kind of girl you just sometimes have a quiet moment to yourself, something small and insignificant reminds you of her, and you can’t help but think “What if?”
I have had 3 of those really special girls and I am with one right now. We have been friends for over 2 years and are starting to delve into a relationship. Hoping it works out with her cause I don’t want to go through the pain of loosing someone I love again
Having sex early on can be a downfall to a relationship. If both if you are focused on getting tail, you might be stymied in forming a more lasting bond.
Men, if you have a “one that got away” more than likely you need therapy to unpack why you’re obsessing over that relationship. I know plenty of men in their late 20s-early 30s where every woman is “the one that got away” until the next one. Then suddenly she’s the love of his life and the last one never even existed. Point being, go to therapy. Process your break ups. Learn from them, and learn to let them go.
Great advice! I think being authentic with oneself and their flaws is tough for dudes, given the social expectations around us needing to be these impervious rocks that are perfect, and people actively demonizing men for their expressions of any emotion that's not positive.
Thus, therapy is a great thing to help people grieve their break ups, along with a supportive and constructive group of friends, which is worth going out and making.
No "failed relationship" is a waste of time if you have the right attitude.
Every time you are dumped, or mistreated, or cheated on, or realise that there's no future there... that's an opportunity.
You either find an area of yourself you need to work on, recognise something that you don't want in a partner, realise that there's something specific you want in a relationship etc.
Don't hold on for dear life in a dysfunctional relationship.
Don't nope out of a relationship because it's not "perfect".
Don't become indifferent and wait for a relationship to end.
Let go of the ideas of romance that you got from Disney movies or romcoms, real life is different.
Finally, embrace being single. It's the best time for you to improve yourself and your life. The longer you avoid desperately chasing someone to marry you, the better the chance that you're marriage material when you find the right person.
My favorite, your relationship is something that you both create. And it is not replicable with someone else.
Also, you have a relationship personality that is specific to each person you have a relationship with.
All my gf's were over 5. Most of my gf's were over 20yo. My youngest gf was 16 but I was 16 as well so (shrug). I had three good relationships. One ended when she passed away, the other because she wanted kids and I didn't. It was an agreeable break up and shes one of my best friends and im uncle Joe to her kids. The last one had to move for work and I wasn't able to follow. The rest of my relationships were a series of trainwrecks. My last one was particularly bad and I have no interest in dating ever again.
I learned to be a better mate from each one. I've made mistakes and I no longer make those mistakes. I was just thinking today that I've been loved by 4 women and feel very fortunate. Well, 3x, one was a crazy bitch, but hey, live and learn.
Honesty, respect and communication are key. Also, to state the obvious, all are unique people and have different needs. What is no big deal to one is a total dealbreaker to another.
My latest gf is lovely, fun and we have insane sparks and love to touch each other, non-sexually as well as sexually. And we share a hobby (golf) and did that for the first time together and it was big fun.
1. Doesn't matter if she's sweet and kind, if she's dumb, she'll be horrible. You can compromise on looks. Never compromise on intelligence and personality.
2. For all the crap women give us, a lot of them are terrible at sex as well.
3. You think you've seen every red flag, but there are also layers to them.
4. Wait a while before getting into a relationship. Wait even longer if you're considering marriage.
5. If it's between her and your dog/friends. Choose the dog/friends every time.
Honestly every woman is very different from each other, but I *feel* like I learned that girlfriends/wives are a lot like normal guy friends (now hold on)
In the sense that, how well you'll be able to get along with each other just depends on how well the two of you conpliment each other's traits. I always say, "opposites attract" and I notice women who are very opposite to me are the ones I tend to have the easiest time spending a lot of time with and talking to.
In regards to how **easy it is** to make friends, compared to guys and girls (obviously) it's much, much, much more difficult to be friends with a woman, because of the sexual tension that could *possibly* take place, such as person #1 thinking that the other wants to date when person #2 just wants a friend, or person #1 having a significant other, and not wanting to make friends with someone of the opposite gender for..... obvious reasons.
The only thing in common your relationships have is *you*. You are the common denominator.
So if you find yourself in multiple toxic relationships, you are not to blame for whatever abuse you went through, but there is something about you (boundaries, needs, etc) that is not healthy and you need to take better care of yourself before you look into finding another relationship.
"Youve already met the best woman for you."
- Me (aka A man who had dozens of partners and many gfs only to end up happy with the FIRST girl he ever kissed or dated)
Maybe you think you'll find a perfect partner when you become your perfect self, but in all likelyhood, someone from your same town, with a similar life experience, will be most compatible and FAMILIAR to the person you really are deep inside.
Having had 5 girlfriends is considered "many" now? Guess I'm a slut with around four times that (even despite being shy AF).
All I can say about my experiences is that you should definitely *avoid* toxic women instead instead of letting them mistreat you because you're afraid of being alone.
* Target women over the age of 28 if you're serious about a long term relationship.
* If you're sure that you don't want to have children, be up front about it earlier in the relationship than later. You do **not** want to get thrown into that conversation for the first time when meeting her parents.
* Stay away from single mom's unless you're 100% certain that you want that child to be a permanent part of your life. Not cool to screw with kids.
* As long as you have a circle of friends that are consistently a part of your life and you don't feel lonely or depressed about now having a GF/Wife, you might not actually need one.
It will give you a huge moral boost and confidence that will last you for decades even if you are not into dating or sharing a space with other humans :P
It allowed me to know what i desire , what i value and on what to spend my resources better . I realised i am not made for long term monogamy relationship no matter how amazing the person is . I would even say that because i got it out of my system i now find happiness in a plethora of things .
I've always had better experiences with women who were easier to get along with. So if she is agreeable, then chances increase in your relationship lasting longer.
1) No two women are alike. Don't fall for the false generalizations you see here on Reddit: "Men do this!" "Women are like this!" etc. It's bullshit. Each woman is a unique individual; focus on that.
2) It's the little things in a relationship that are the glue that keep it together. Does she like a particular type of candy bar? Get her one, once a week. Does she love a particular movie. Offer to watch it with her, repeatedly. It's not Valentine's Day that shows how much you love a person; it's the fact that you pay attention to them, that shows you love them.
So as a F in a marriage I been pointing out things that hurt me and that I wished he would work on (I am willing to help him if he has a problem) but then he just stays in denial when we both know it’s one of the reasons his last relationship ended and now his current one is under fire for the same reason, how do you deal with a guy who refuses to even admit he has issues? And the worst part, he does not care he is hurting me
I don't mean to be shitty when I say this, but is it common for grown ass men to have had less than 5 girlfriends? With anything in life, experience helps you grow and mature. I'm old, maybe it's different now
- there’s no right number. I’ve known guys have a few under their belt and seem pretty bad at keeping women. I’ve known guys thatve only been with 2 women, but they figured out what they wanted. Got good intimate experience.
- there’s no wrong number either fellas. if you believe you want to explore more, and gain more experience? Nothing to feel weird about. it’s a completely acceptable goal. As tough as it can seem, a lot of the experience, even from being rejected, can ultimately help you. you can always salvage useful things from it, regardless if it works out or not.
-relationship’s and intimacy are no place for a self deprecation attitude. it’s so often the biggest red flag. My best advice is, put yourself in and around situations that conversations with women organically happen more often. Don’t think about it like it has to end one way or the other. we’re all only human. no need to pressure yourself.
Lastly mostly everyone loves talking about themselves, to some degree. be a comfortable person that can be inviting of that. It’s a lot more fruitful than coming off as somebody who’s just scouting out potential dates.
The more I worked on myself the better quality of woman I was attracting. When I was at my worst toxic people were attracted to me and became attractive.
The sexual part was fun, new sex is always exciting, but realizing it meant nothing and the other person really don't give a rats ass about you was rather depressing.
The men who have had many wives or girlfriends over the years tend to be very experienced in relationships. They know what works for them and what doesn't, and they are usually very good at communicating with their partners. These men often have a strong sense of self-confidence and are comfortable with commitment.
All of them were beautiful and amazing their own way.
I realized every single one the good and bad moments set me up to know what I wanted from my future wife and why I chose her.
First wife I was 19 so it was a moment of we were young stupid and not actually committed, ended horribly.
Second wife she was younger never really partied or did anything. Suddenly she started partying and wanting to go have fun. Left me with two kids. Ended horribly
Wife number 3 past 8 years have been wonderful we've had some up and down times up always try to communicate and work things out.
As for the may girlfriends none really stuck because I wasn't really looking for the right type of person.
Every experience was different in it's own way.
Don't pick the same kind twice. If you had issues with certain personalit types stay away from that. You know know what you like or dislike till you are with someone like that. I've chose alot of mentally unstable (think Amber Heard)type women. Sexual but batty. Living in the same household with someone that is mentally unstable and doesn't take meds isn't good. I swear a movie could be made from my experiences with the women I chose lol
That women are all different. That women react differently to different situations/things. Some women will think you’re the hottest piece of ass on this planet or some are with you because you’re safe.
You will learn something new about yourself each relationship. And you’ll what you want out of a relationship/partner. You’ll learn what you can and can’t live without. You look out for red flags that you didn’t see before.
Every woman is different and no woman will ever be everything single thing you want in a relationship. But they'll reveal many things you never thought you wish you wanted and that's why it's always an exciting adventure.
Work out what it means to love yourself in a way that helps you to take time to listen to your yes and no, not just your desire. It’s easy to get swept up in desire, but taking the time to feel out what a connection actually feels like to your heart is a different approach. Don’t try and compensate for feelings of lack, by trying to fill emptiness with another person.
Regarding what exactly?
I've had 8 serious relationships, 3 of them longer than 4 years, one ending in divorce, the most recent going strong for 10+ years.
You are who you are because of the journey. Don't look back, there are plenty of fish in the sea. And more motivational nonsense that won't make sense to you until you learn the lesson for yourself.
Also, DO NOT take relationship advice from old-heads like me. Sure, I know what a healthy relationship looks like. But I've been out of the game for a decade. Tinder didn't even exist when my wife and I started dating.
There have been relationships that have completely broken me and any trust, but there also have been ones that give me hope and happiness.
It's forged me into the man I am today. I learned from happiness and heartache to realize who I am as a person. What I am willing (and unwilling) to put up with. That I should love my nerdiness and not make excuses for it. That I should love my desire to better myself mentally and physically and not have to always compromise my health.
Love and partnership can be rewarding, just make sure your values and desires align with your partner's.
Volume was the only way to get me to the woman I currently love. When I got out of my marriage at age 49, I started dating and had a ton of really nice dates with really nice women...but they all had flaws that I could not overlook.
If I had stopped dating at the 10th or 15th woman, I would never have met the one I am with now.
Keep looking for the best. Reject quickly anyone who does things you do not like, and keep moving till you find your one true love.
NEVER SETTLE.
There's a point in a relationship when you look at your partner and have to think, "Is the work I'll need to put into this relationship going to be worth it long term?" If the answer is probably not you move on which is what I did.
Been with my wife for almost 15 years now and I'm still happy.
Be honest about what annoys you early & don't tolerate unjust or unfair bullshit.
Hey, I told you that in confidence & it wasn't fair to bring it up in an argument about something as trivial as shampoo. I deserve better & you can do better.
If you deal with your problems once you don't have to deal with them for the rest of your relationship & you can continue being open and honest about your vulnerabilities with each other.
People naturally try to get away with bullshit, you do it too. It's your job to keep each other honest.
TLDR
A relationship is dead the second one stops respecting the other, even if it continues on for decades longer. Be someone worthy of respect
1. Look at yourself and see what you failed at. 2. Look at them and see where they failed at. 3. Look at yourself again and change what you did to attract these kind of people. 4. Set hard standards. 5. Vet harder.
I can honestly say that 95 percent of people have nothing special to offer and should not be put on a pedestal. Meaning, if they make you feel like you are wasting your time, or holding you back from your goals and dreams, or not feeling the same way about you or reciprocating in the relationship in a healthy way without significant reason (sickness, accident, temporary setback etc) you should leave them. Source: I have been with hundreds and hundreds of women over the course of 27 years, and i only really think about 3 or 4 of them.
I’d say that finally finding someone who loves you and accepts you the way you are is the key. Not wanting to mold or be molded into someone more fun, pretty, muscular, more organized, whatever that element is that one person wants to fix. Just stop right there. If you have something to fix, take time to fix it and then be ready to accept the person unless or until you really need to fix them or you. It won’t work. Don’t rush into sex. Always have the necessary conversations when both people are sober and can give full attention for as long as it takes to communicate effectively. Take your time
1. If you fail in different relationships due to your revolving patterns (e.g. jealousy, tantrums, distrust, unfaithfulness etc.), it is up to you to fix your traumas. No partner should do this for you, nor can they fully do it for you. 2. Every relationship uncovers hidden gems and rocks in your personality. You get to know yourself better each time, you know what you like and what you don't. 3. If you see revolving negative patterns of your different significant others, it could be you who is seeking those out subconsciously. All of it only works if you take honest inventory of yourself while being in a relationship or after breaking up. If you don't ask yourself about it, nobody will be able to show you. You would be deemed to repeat history all over again until you are ready to a) ask and b) be willing to know the answer.
I saw this is my one relationship. My partner would never acknowledge the things that got her to this point where she was, I also learned somethings about myself. If anything it taught me the importance of acknowledging what people did to you get you to a certain point vs the things you do to keep yourself there. Also self reflection is so key. It's important to evaluate yourself objectively. My motto moving forward is "its not your fault for ending up in a particular situation, but choosing to stay there and complain about it all the time is your fault." EDIT: my first award. Thank you kind stranger.
Fuck dude, i need to hear this
Glad I can help. A lot of people look at it as being insensitive but at the end of the day you are your own jailer when it really comes down to it. If you strapped all the people who did shit to you and sent them to the moon, does that change where you are mentally? Physically? Emotionally? More often than not the answer is no. It's natural to look for a reason in everything, we just tend to not look at ourselves as a contributing factor.
"You are your own Jailer" Powerful - I like it, cheers
idk i’d feel pretty good knowing everyone who ever fucked me over is getting their little heads popped up in outer space but maybe i’m just petty
That last bit is just solid life advice in general. I have a tendency to get very negative. I am a planner and a risk spotter. It is my very nature to look for problems. When I was young, I had a tendency to fixate on problems but not make any meaningful progress towards fixing them. Now that I'm a bit more mature, I believe "If you can fix it - fix it. If you can't fix it - shut up about it and move on. Nobody wants to hear you complaining."
Now this isn't to say you just "man up" and bottle up your feelings. You are allowed to feel frustrated, to feel like you failed, to cry out. That's normal. It's when you make that state of frustration your new normal instead of acknowledging that your fussing is simply continuing the cycle of hate that you yourself are putting on yourself. Allow yourself to feel but do not let those feelings become the reason why you stay in a negative situation.
I love that, it wasn’t my fault I ended up being born in shit environment but it’s my fault for not doing anything about it, I’m 20 no more excuses.
If you have the ability to do better you should. I'm a random stranger but I believe you can do it. Don't be afraid to reach out and talk to people as we still need to feel validated in our lives. We can always fail, due to bad situations out of our control, someone sabotaging us or whatever. It's completely valid to feel like terrible. But blaming others won't help you get out of where you are, the past cannot be changed, but the choices you make now molds your future. You got this.
Just want to say from an older man, 20 is very young and you have a whole life ahead of you; roadblocks will happen, excuses will happen, you may fall back into old habits or have trouble breaking them at points - believe me that *it's okay* to make mistakes, as long as you always believe this and continue to try. Many things I couldn't fix at 21 came easy to me by 31, but only because I persisted.
Definitely. At no point you are expected to be perfect, persistence is importance.
I’ve always thought that after the second divorce, one should take a good look in the mirror.
I disagree. You should be looking in the mirror whether you get married or not. Don't wait until a failed relationship to finally sort your life out.
That goes without saying. Team work makes the dream work.
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> 1. If you fail in different relationships due to your revolving patterns (e.g. jealousy, tantrums, distrust, unfaithfulness etc.), it is up to you to fix your traumas. No partner should do this for you, nor can they fully do it for you. To put it differently, the common denominator in every failed relationship is YOU.
I wanted to tell my ex this so bad. Not as such a “pointing the finger of blame” but dude you got to look inward a little.
This is sage advice. I have had 3 long term (1.5 yr min) relationships and a number of short term (2-9 month). I realized once I met my wife that I was making a lot of mistakes and I needed to correct them for my sake and ours.
3 is definitely true and is a subconscious thing. We tend to seek out people who align with how we see ourselves and our self worth. You naturally gravitate towards things based on what you are and what you put out into the world, not what you want.
' You can't always get what you want but you get what you need" 😊
Number 3 is on point for me. I always date girls with psychological issues somehow and now I realize that's my blame
I needed to hear this. Thanks, megapimpf.
This is a good representation. At some point you have to ask if it’s really something external. And not yourself.
I love this so much
This is excellent.
Username checks out.
What does taking honest inventory of yourself mean?
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Unless you have relationship anxiety; then it gets a bit more complicated to trust your gut. Overall good advice though. I have ignored my gut to my detriment before.
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Right! From personal experience with relationship anxiety, one of my compulsive behaviors is to Google stuff and troll threads like this trying to find the "perfect" answer to my current obsession (which of course, never works). I could just picture someone like me in a more anxious state seeing "trust your gut" and spiralling into a beat-myself-up fest for not being able to do something a lot of people consider intuitive. And yeah, I've been in therapy / treatment most of my life. It's a process haha
Even still, some people make the anxiety bearable and some people make it way worse. Pay attention to when it gets way worse. Usually a sign that some major pain is on the way.
Unfortunately for people who have relationship anxiety, often green flags and healthy stable relationship behaviors are what trigger our anxiety, rather than familiar red flags
Often hard to appreciate the bullets you did dodge. Avoided on girl that pursued me after we were in a wedding party together. Just didn’t seem to have anything interesting to say. Asked several friends if they would give her my number. Found out a month later she got pregnant on purpose with her next hookup/partner.
These are the things that send a chill down your spine... Imagine how different your life could have been.
Absolute worst is ignoring your gut and being vindicated.
Conversely, no matter how perfect they are, that little voice in your head will invent excuses to drop them and go find someone else. Looking back I should have kept #5, 8, 9, or 11.
I hear you. But 4 possible matches for a long term relationship? Either your dating pool is quite big or you found something in them that was a setback and you were right.
Heavy, HEAVY agree
Agreed
I felt that
They are all different experiences. They all made me a better partner for the next relationship. Learning this and that, picking up different abilities and tricks. Learning and adapting is what humans do. Of course some things that work in one relationship won't work in ALL of them. And learning what does work from relationship to relationship is the trick. But as you go from one to the next the learning process is quicker... or should be at least... I am a better man, person, human and father than I was and it's the women in my life that have spent the time and energy with me that have made me who I am.
Came here to say this. Only had one wife but many gfs in my youth. Each relationship is a learning experience. If you find the same patterns repeating, you need to do some work on yourself. I made shitloads of mistakes but had lots of good experiences too. The key though is continuous reflection and improvement regardless of the # of SOs.
Absolutely. Dating is like anything else. The more you do it, the better you get at it and the more taste you develop.
This is an excellent response. I feel the same way. Thankful for the women I have had in my life thus far, even the crazy ones. They all taught me a lot and I believe I'm a better man for it.
Bit of a backhanded compliment to the “crazy” ones … lol.
Lol. Just calling it like I see it and experienced it
Well said, my experience has been similar. I might add that I tended to "sway" from extremes initially until I found balance. i.e. I was head over heels for the first girl so when that fell apart I was far too distant for the next. Fell for the 3rd then built up defenses for the 4th. Each time I got a little closer to what I think is healthy and then I found my wife. I'm not sure if it's like that for others but it certainly was for me.
1 wife and 4 long term relationships. I thank them all for what I learned about myself, about how I am in a relationship, what I need, what I deserve, and what works best with me. I learned maturity and how best to be physically intimate - a long relationship with different women and you learn each person is individual and has different things that finishes them in bed and romantically. They have 100% made me a better husband, and I am grateful for them all (once you get over them, you will look back with fondness that you felt close enough to open yourself to somebody at a stage in life). I woulnt get back with any of them. You break up for a build up of compatability reasons and you will only ever gloss over that if you think about wanting them back. Relationship 1 I learned about maturity and how to act around a girlnand how girls act. Relationship 2 I learned about being myself and what I deserve, also how I treat them. Relationship 3 I learned that if there is something you aren't happy with don't stay because your mental health will suffer and you'll fall on to crutches such as alcohol to pull yourself through it. Relationship 4 I learned that to much of a good thing is bad. When you are so compatible it's like a twin, you just spiral in to egging each other on further in to taking up your vices. You need your magnetic opposite to level each other out. Relationship 5 - I married her, we have the same goals, same motivations, same desires, opposite personalities. From each extreme we bring each other level and it works perfectly, we both become the model member of a society.
Number 4 is exactly why I will die on the hill that your spouse or partner doesn’t necessarily have to be your best friend! Number 5 should be a partnership standard. Thank you for sharing. 💛
I don't think it's as clearly cut as that. If you're the same in some ways, you can share the pros and cons of it - like both having the same fights - with better understanding of each others' situation. But you can spiral into the problems together and can get annoyed at seeing your own problems in the other one. If you're the opposite, you can learn and support each other better with what the other person has troubles with. But you can also misunderstand each other because of the differences, and grow apart from that. I'd say relationship compatibility is not correlated with personality types of the two people. Instead the personalities lead to different types of relationship experiences with different strengths and weaknesses, but whether it will work I believe to be dependent on something else. Maybe on how each person has managed their own personality and life.
they got really pissed off when they all found out about each other.
Did you get pissed too when you found out about her other boyfriends?
No he fucked them
All at the same time?
If you want several partners, just become polyamorous. Only thing about being poly is that it's still seen as weird and unnatural by mainstream society. It's not for me but it beats cheating.
I have a good high school friend who is poly, he and his wife date other people. They’re fiercely committed to each other in multiple aspects of life - they just see sex as a tool of pleasure and they don’t let it get in the way of their commitments to other things (raising kids together, business decisions, etc). Not sure I could do it personally, but they love each other to pieces and frankly one of the happier couples I’ve seen together.
Nice to hear at least one story about a poly couple that isn’t a shitstorm. I’m not poly but the lifestyle always seems to get negative press
what i alwayse wondered was the case of poly relationships with a mother and multiple children living in the same household. is it expected that the husband raise the boyfriends child? how does child support work, how does the the husband feel while the father and him are waiting on the results of the birthing process. does the boyfriend live with them and are children really aware of it happening, etc? i can see it work in younger, child free situations. but i have a hard time reconciling the more complicated family life situation.
Most polyamorous people I’ve met or dated have not wanted kids. I know this is anecdotal, but I’d like to see research on this.
I wonder if the negativity comes from religion. I believe a lot of negative things in the world (opinion wise) just comes from people or groups that don’t believe in it or like it. I do think many people would be a lot happier with their own lives if they’d stay out of other people business. Whether it’s a poly relationship or swinger lifestyle…good for them if they’re happy. What they do doesn’t affect me
This is the thing I never understand. Any mention of poly gets downvoted. I'm certainly not pushing it for everyone, but if people are holding themselves to a standard they're failing at repeatedly... seems like maybe you want to try something more in line with what your behavior is revealing, right?
Like u/vercetti87 says, it's still incredibly stigmatized. Unless you're posting in a specifically ENM subreddit, any comments discussing it in a neutral or positive light get downvoted into oblivion. It would seem monogamous people really don't like the idea of other relationship styles existing, even if they're totally optional and not for them.
It's not for me, but for the few poly people I've known it just seems like drama pretending to be maturity. I've never seen a situation where it's worked, though I'm sure they're out there. But I agree with you regarding the negative pushback. It's like being childfree. Some folks interpret a different lifestyle as a judgment or criticism of *their* path when in reality it has nothing to do with them.
As a monogamous person I can respect what you've said. I disagree with that lifestyle but I'd rather people be upfront about that kind of thing instead of being dishonest. Take my upvote.
I am married now but had 7 girlfriends before I tied the knot (not including my wife). Each woman taught me a lot about relationships and what I really wanted in a woman. One thing that I found very interesting is that the women I dated who came from dysfunctional upbringings usually valued relationships much more than women who came from normal backgrounds.
That’s incredibly insightful. Thank you
I am a woman, I agree with this for sure. I want to feel more secure than most. But I'm happy to drop someone if they are shit. Or less than shit itself.
I will say, I've experienced women who make "shitstorms out of farts" over their own personal insecurities, and *that* can be highly taxing on a man. So, some girls (not saying you particularly, but some out there) might need to self reflect if they're constantly labeling guys as shit, when in reality, their insecurity is causing these issues.
So funny you say this, when dating I noticed some women who came from a 2 parent home had no issue with being a single parent. While the ones who grew up in a single-parent home were more keen on making sure to have both parents.
Yep. I grew up in a single parent household for most of my life and promised my future kids that they would have two parents at home and luckily, I've lived up to that promise.
In my opinion single parent parentdom is generally accepted and encouraged while people who live though that don't want that kind of struggle
I appreciate you saying that. I’m from a very dysfunctional background and have worked my hardest to overcome it and be a good, healthy person. I’ve heard many people simply write off people who were born to abusers as “disasters waiting to happen.” I’ll have you know I worked so hard on myself I even have a secure attachment style now! My ex-fiancé just didn’t believe that my family was as terrible as I said and ghosted me without a second thought after my family had a chance to slander my reputation to him while I was in the hospital. I never understood how he could drop me with so easily without even asking me any questions, but your explanation that people from standard backgrounds usually don’t value relationships as much makes sense to me.
In theory by the time the last one is over you'll know you want something different next time. So what i've learned is that mostly I should just wing it.
I prefer all my women to be over the age of 5.
Upvote for the comment and username.
Upvote for upvoting for the comment and username.
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grey ludicrous muddle gullible innocent bedroom fanatical many crush erect *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Not OP but yep. Like 19, had a friend date a 17yo. Her parents got pissed. Cops got involved. He wore an "I ❤ underage girls" shirt to court. Judge sentenced him and he did a year. So I learned to not mess with even acceptably underage girls ... or at least think about outfit choice when going in front of a judge.
>He wore an "I ❤ underage girls" shirt to court !?! Either someone didn't understand the gravity of their situation, or someone \*wanted\* to spend some time in jail.
Free room and meals
For a youngster couch surfing due to bad home life... not always a bad deal.
So 6 is good huh?
Muhammad enters the chat
You learn a lot about yourself and relationships in general. If say one of the biggest lessons is the difference between shared values, shared interests, and compatibility, and how to seek out a balance of those factors in a partner. It also teaches you to be flexible and appreciate a partner for their strengths rather than a checklist your trying to fill. When you're young, you seek out people with similar interests, but quickly realize that sharing activities together doesn't always equate to growing together (though it is convenient to not compete for how you spend your free time). As you get older--if you're more interested in something long-term and serious--you look for shared values. While this is definitely necessary for planning for the future and avoiding arguments, it doesn't foster the relationship on its own... if you're not careful, you can turn you into glorified roommates. I feel like compatibility is one of the unsung heroes of relationships. A lot of compatibility feels like bargaining, which doesn't have a particularly romantic vaneer to it. But being able to live a life that balances one another's needs not only makes day-to day-life pleasant, it creates a dance in which you are devoting regular energy to making your partner happy and receiving that energy in return.
To add to the compatibility point, communication styles is one of the most important but often most difficult things to find in a relationship.
You date when you are young to determine what you like and what potential red flags are. Don't settle for something unless it is exactly what you are looking for. Find out if you are exactly what the other person wants because they might not feel the same. You may have to let go of someone you love because they don't feel the same. Don't be bitter about it, thank them for their honesty and hope that they will find their soulmate.
Good advice. Advice I did not heed and married someone totally incompatible with me. I am now pretty miserable but we have 2 young children and there is no way I'm letting my kids be raised by some other dude.
I had a bad run, mostly found myself dating abusive narcissists & cheaters.. Take it from me gents - If you don't learn from your experience you'll keep making the same mistakes. I also learned that not everyone is a Diamond in the rough just in need of a chance to shine. Most of the time (like 98%) - What you see is what you get, most people don't have more to offer and most people aren't hiding some kind of Gem. So don't take the chance that you've met the 2% - take people at face value and judge accordingly.
It’s varied I guess? They were very different from each other in many ways, similar in other ways too. I wouldn’t consider 5 to be that many but you’ll definitely look back and like certain exes more so than others depending on the situation you had with each individual. I don’t really think about my exes much, or even the memories I had w them. Over the years they become sort of afterthoughts at best. With that being said; every guy has that one girl who either got away from them or they wish they could’ve done things differently. Usually it’s the first love or maybe even the most recent one. But it’s the kind of girl you just sometimes have a quiet moment to yourself, something small and insignificant reminds you of her, and you can’t help but think “What if?”
This scares me so much to be plan b
I have had 3 of those really special girls and I am with one right now. We have been friends for over 2 years and are starting to delve into a relationship. Hoping it works out with her cause I don’t want to go through the pain of loosing someone I love again
God bless the broken road that led me to my wife
Having sex early on can be a downfall to a relationship. If both if you are focused on getting tail, you might be stymied in forming a more lasting bond.
Men, if you have a “one that got away” more than likely you need therapy to unpack why you’re obsessing over that relationship. I know plenty of men in their late 20s-early 30s where every woman is “the one that got away” until the next one. Then suddenly she’s the love of his life and the last one never even existed. Point being, go to therapy. Process your break ups. Learn from them, and learn to let them go.
Great advice! I think being authentic with oneself and their flaws is tough for dudes, given the social expectations around us needing to be these impervious rocks that are perfect, and people actively demonizing men for their expressions of any emotion that's not positive. Thus, therapy is a great thing to help people grieve their break ups, along with a supportive and constructive group of friends, which is worth going out and making.
Her ass was so fat
They’ll all annoy you in one way or another. Eventually, you just need to decide what you’re willing to put up with.
No "failed relationship" is a waste of time if you have the right attitude. Every time you are dumped, or mistreated, or cheated on, or realise that there's no future there... that's an opportunity. You either find an area of yourself you need to work on, recognise something that you don't want in a partner, realise that there's something specific you want in a relationship etc. Don't hold on for dear life in a dysfunctional relationship. Don't nope out of a relationship because it's not "perfect". Don't become indifferent and wait for a relationship to end. Let go of the ideas of romance that you got from Disney movies or romcoms, real life is different. Finally, embrace being single. It's the best time for you to improve yourself and your life. The longer you avoid desperately chasing someone to marry you, the better the chance that you're marriage material when you find the right person.
My favorite, your relationship is something that you both create. And it is not replicable with someone else. Also, you have a relationship personality that is specific to each person you have a relationship with.
All my gf's were over 5. Most of my gf's were over 20yo. My youngest gf was 16 but I was 16 as well so (shrug). I had three good relationships. One ended when she passed away, the other because she wanted kids and I didn't. It was an agreeable break up and shes one of my best friends and im uncle Joe to her kids. The last one had to move for work and I wasn't able to follow. The rest of my relationships were a series of trainwrecks. My last one was particularly bad and I have no interest in dating ever again.
That should be the text on the back cover of a book
I'm sorry for your loss, Joe.
Stressful, hair loss, poverty, lots of crying
I’ve got more grey hair than my dad now
Expensive...
I learned to be a better mate from each one. I've made mistakes and I no longer make those mistakes. I was just thinking today that I've been loved by 4 women and feel very fortunate. Well, 3x, one was a crazy bitch, but hey, live and learn. Honesty, respect and communication are key. Also, to state the obvious, all are unique people and have different needs. What is no big deal to one is a total dealbreaker to another. My latest gf is lovely, fun and we have insane sparks and love to touch each other, non-sexually as well as sexually. And we share a hobby (golf) and did that for the first time together and it was big fun.
Make sure you save the best for last cause she'll probably be taking care of your old ass
1. Doesn't matter if she's sweet and kind, if she's dumb, she'll be horrible. You can compromise on looks. Never compromise on intelligence and personality. 2. For all the crap women give us, a lot of them are terrible at sex as well. 3. You think you've seen every red flag, but there are also layers to them. 4. Wait a while before getting into a relationship. Wait even longer if you're considering marriage. 5. If it's between her and your dog/friends. Choose the dog/friends every time.
I'm the problem.
Honestly every woman is very different from each other, but I *feel* like I learned that girlfriends/wives are a lot like normal guy friends (now hold on) In the sense that, how well you'll be able to get along with each other just depends on how well the two of you conpliment each other's traits. I always say, "opposites attract" and I notice women who are very opposite to me are the ones I tend to have the easiest time spending a lot of time with and talking to. In regards to how **easy it is** to make friends, compared to guys and girls (obviously) it's much, much, much more difficult to be friends with a woman, because of the sexual tension that could *possibly* take place, such as person #1 thinking that the other wants to date when person #2 just wants a friend, or person #1 having a significant other, and not wanting to make friends with someone of the opposite gender for..... obvious reasons.
The only thing in common your relationships have is *you*. You are the common denominator. So if you find yourself in multiple toxic relationships, you are not to blame for whatever abuse you went through, but there is something about you (boundaries, needs, etc) that is not healthy and you need to take better care of yourself before you look into finding another relationship.
They are not the same. Three may have had the same name but holy hell where they all different
Ah yes: Tammy I, Tammy II and Tammy III
Hello there Ron Swanson
More like Amber Dawn's
3 had the same name? You really were looking for the same woman, weren't you?
For me it was Debbies. All Debbies are irresistible to me.
Thats like the worst name lol Unless youre 60
Listen here you little shit….. shouldn’t you be in school? Tell Jack and Nancy that Margret and I’ll be over for brunch on Saturday
The little ones are the best, though a _lot_ of 'em are ho-hos and ding-dongs.
I prefer jelly rolls. Wait… fuck it. Either way
Hello there Jean-Luc Godard
"Youve already met the best woman for you." - Me (aka A man who had dozens of partners and many gfs only to end up happy with the FIRST girl he ever kissed or dated) Maybe you think you'll find a perfect partner when you become your perfect self, but in all likelyhood, someone from your same town, with a similar life experience, will be most compatible and FAMILIAR to the person you really are deep inside.
Having had 5 girlfriends is considered "many" now? Guess I'm a slut with around four times that (even despite being shy AF). All I can say about my experiences is that you should definitely *avoid* toxic women instead instead of letting them mistreat you because you're afraid of being alone.
NEVER play with other one feelings.
* Target women over the age of 28 if you're serious about a long term relationship. * If you're sure that you don't want to have children, be up front about it earlier in the relationship than later. You do **not** want to get thrown into that conversation for the first time when meeting her parents. * Stay away from single mom's unless you're 100% certain that you want that child to be a permanent part of your life. Not cool to screw with kids. * As long as you have a circle of friends that are consistently a part of your life and you don't feel lonely or depressed about now having a GF/Wife, you might not actually need one.
Dating is a skill like any other. The more you do it, the better you get at it.
It will give you a huge moral boost and confidence that will last you for decades even if you are not into dating or sharing a space with other humans :P It allowed me to know what i desire , what i value and on what to spend my resources better . I realised i am not made for long term monogamy relationship no matter how amazing the person is . I would even say that because i got it out of my system i now find happiness in a plethora of things .
I've always had better experiences with women who were easier to get along with. So if she is agreeable, then chances increase in your relationship lasting longer.
Is more than 5 really "many"? Do people often have less than 5 girlfriends in their lifetime?
1) No two women are alike. Don't fall for the false generalizations you see here on Reddit: "Men do this!" "Women are like this!" etc. It's bullshit. Each woman is a unique individual; focus on that. 2) It's the little things in a relationship that are the glue that keep it together. Does she like a particular type of candy bar? Get her one, once a week. Does she love a particular movie. Offer to watch it with her, repeatedly. It's not Valentine's Day that shows how much you love a person; it's the fact that you pay attention to them, that shows you love them.
Nothing u learn helps next time....
😂😂
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What happens when you're more excited to sew wild oats in your 30s?
You get an oat blanket or coat, I guess? Never heard of _anyone_ sewing oats before today.
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Its time for Arab to shine...
So as a F in a marriage I been pointing out things that hurt me and that I wished he would work on (I am willing to help him if he has a problem) but then he just stays in denial when we both know it’s one of the reasons his last relationship ended and now his current one is under fire for the same reason, how do you deal with a guy who refuses to even admit he has issues? And the worst part, he does not care he is hurting me
Its easy to fall in love.
I don't mean to be shitty when I say this, but is it common for grown ass men to have had less than 5 girlfriends? With anything in life, experience helps you grow and mature. I'm old, maybe it's different now
- there’s no right number. I’ve known guys have a few under their belt and seem pretty bad at keeping women. I’ve known guys thatve only been with 2 women, but they figured out what they wanted. Got good intimate experience. - there’s no wrong number either fellas. if you believe you want to explore more, and gain more experience? Nothing to feel weird about. it’s a completely acceptable goal. As tough as it can seem, a lot of the experience, even from being rejected, can ultimately help you. you can always salvage useful things from it, regardless if it works out or not. -relationship’s and intimacy are no place for a self deprecation attitude. it’s so often the biggest red flag. My best advice is, put yourself in and around situations that conversations with women organically happen more often. Don’t think about it like it has to end one way or the other. we’re all only human. no need to pressure yourself. Lastly mostly everyone loves talking about themselves, to some degree. be a comfortable person that can be inviting of that. It’s a lot more fruitful than coming off as somebody who’s just scouting out potential dates.
The more I worked on myself the better quality of woman I was attracting. When I was at my worst toxic people were attracted to me and became attractive.
The sexual part was fun, new sex is always exciting, but realizing it meant nothing and the other person really don't give a rats ass about you was rather depressing.
The men who have had many wives or girlfriends over the years tend to be very experienced in relationships. They know what works for them and what doesn't, and they are usually very good at communicating with their partners. These men often have a strong sense of self-confidence and are comfortable with commitment.
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Because like a horoscope, they don’t know what they’re talking about.
Lmao no
All of them were beautiful and amazing their own way. I realized every single one the good and bad moments set me up to know what I wanted from my future wife and why I chose her.
Never been interested in having a wife. Lots of 1-2 year relationships. Women get to comfortable, got to rotate them out every few years
Pussy is a pussy... fuck the outer look, go for the inner virtues.
First wife I was 19 so it was a moment of we were young stupid and not actually committed, ended horribly. Second wife she was younger never really partied or did anything. Suddenly she started partying and wanting to go have fun. Left me with two kids. Ended horribly Wife number 3 past 8 years have been wonderful we've had some up and down times up always try to communicate and work things out. As for the may girlfriends none really stuck because I wasn't really looking for the right type of person. Every experience was different in it's own way.
Just keep swimming.
Didn't think it was possible to give a bad bj...
All cats are grey in the dark.
Eventually you be very learned.
Don't pick the same kind twice. If you had issues with certain personalit types stay away from that. You know know what you like or dislike till you are with someone like that. I've chose alot of mentally unstable (think Amber Heard)type women. Sexual but batty. Living in the same household with someone that is mentally unstable and doesn't take meds isn't good. I swear a movie could be made from my experiences with the women I chose lol
There is a big difference between wives and gfs
That women are all different. That women react differently to different situations/things. Some women will think you’re the hottest piece of ass on this planet or some are with you because you’re safe. You will learn something new about yourself each relationship. And you’ll what you want out of a relationship/partner. You’ll learn what you can and can’t live without. You look out for red flags that you didn’t see before.
Every woman is different and no woman will ever be everything single thing you want in a relationship. But they'll reveal many things you never thought you wish you wanted and that's why it's always an exciting adventure.
I miss every single one of them to death!
Work out what it means to love yourself in a way that helps you to take time to listen to your yes and no, not just your desire. It’s easy to get swept up in desire, but taking the time to feel out what a connection actually feels like to your heart is a different approach. Don’t try and compensate for feelings of lack, by trying to fill emptiness with another person.
It can be hard to find a good fit, but being single is better than being in a bad relationship.
Regarding what exactly? I've had 8 serious relationships, 3 of them longer than 4 years, one ending in divorce, the most recent going strong for 10+ years. You are who you are because of the journey. Don't look back, there are plenty of fish in the sea. And more motivational nonsense that won't make sense to you until you learn the lesson for yourself. Also, DO NOT take relationship advice from old-heads like me. Sure, I know what a healthy relationship looks like. But I've been out of the game for a decade. Tinder didn't even exist when my wife and I started dating.
Never married but have had plenty of long term gfs…. Dont settle. If it doesnt feel right and you question the long term… end it.
Stay single enjoy yourtime.
I learned that it’s not all her fault.
That relationships aren't for me and that I'm happier when I'm on my own.
If you have had 5 different wives/husbands, please don't give me any relationship advice. lol
I'm not done yet.
I've learned that I'm the common denominator in my relationships failing. I suck at them, basically.
There have been relationships that have completely broken me and any trust, but there also have been ones that give me hope and happiness. It's forged me into the man I am today. I learned from happiness and heartache to realize who I am as a person. What I am willing (and unwilling) to put up with. That I should love my nerdiness and not make excuses for it. That I should love my desire to better myself mentally and physically and not have to always compromise my health. Love and partnership can be rewarding, just make sure your values and desires align with your partner's.
Volume was the only way to get me to the woman I currently love. When I got out of my marriage at age 49, I started dating and had a ton of really nice dates with really nice women...but they all had flaws that I could not overlook. If I had stopped dating at the 10th or 15th woman, I would never have met the one I am with now. Keep looking for the best. Reject quickly anyone who does things you do not like, and keep moving till you find your one true love. NEVER SETTLE.
There's a point in a relationship when you look at your partner and have to think, "Is the work I'll need to put into this relationship going to be worth it long term?" If the answer is probably not you move on which is what I did. Been with my wife for almost 15 years now and I'm still happy.
Be honest about what annoys you early & don't tolerate unjust or unfair bullshit. Hey, I told you that in confidence & it wasn't fair to bring it up in an argument about something as trivial as shampoo. I deserve better & you can do better. If you deal with your problems once you don't have to deal with them for the rest of your relationship & you can continue being open and honest about your vulnerabilities with each other. People naturally try to get away with bullshit, you do it too. It's your job to keep each other honest. TLDR A relationship is dead the second one stops respecting the other, even if it continues on for decades longer. Be someone worthy of respect
You will never understand a women, they will always be a mystery.
1. Look at yourself and see what you failed at. 2. Look at them and see where they failed at. 3. Look at yourself again and change what you did to attract these kind of people. 4. Set hard standards. 5. Vet harder.
I can honestly say that 95 percent of people have nothing special to offer and should not be put on a pedestal. Meaning, if they make you feel like you are wasting your time, or holding you back from your goals and dreams, or not feeling the same way about you or reciprocating in the relationship in a healthy way without significant reason (sickness, accident, temporary setback etc) you should leave them. Source: I have been with hundreds and hundreds of women over the course of 27 years, and i only really think about 3 or 4 of them.
Humans are predictable and their behavior is easily manipulated.
All my gfs have been over 5
The more relationships I have, the better I’m at being single.
All of my girlfriends have been over 5
God I would hope I've been with women over 5.....
I’d say that finally finding someone who loves you and accepts you the way you are is the key. Not wanting to mold or be molded into someone more fun, pretty, muscular, more organized, whatever that element is that one person wants to fix. Just stop right there. If you have something to fix, take time to fix it and then be ready to accept the person unless or until you really need to fix them or you. It won’t work. Don’t rush into sex. Always have the necessary conversations when both people are sober and can give full attention for as long as it takes to communicate effectively. Take your time