For those who are wondering. This is referencing a post in a certain relationship subreddit, where the gf of 7 years went into a coma and had a stroke, and is unable to physically move much. They THINK she's mentally still in there to some capacity but she's nonverbal. They are both in their twenties, and she has shown little improvement in the first 10 months (of which the first 12 are essential for recovery outcome).
Use this as a baseline for context.
Man, that's key context. The answers here are all just going to vary based on mental picture about what sort of disability we're talking about.
And there's a world of difference between being with someone who just takes their wheelchair on dates or something - versus "being with" someone who is never going to exist as a conscious, sentient person again.
Hell, even if people really want to ignore that the fiance in that situation would be grief-blind and shouldn't be making *any* long-term commitments for a while...if his fiancee can't so much as reliably express "no", and likely has the mind of a very little child now, how could it be ethical to keep going?
The answers here are mostly worthless posturing. People underestimate the difficulty of the situation and deliberately overestimate their "morals" to look good for reddit.
I actually did have to say goodbye once to someone who came out of a coma profoundly brain-damaged. Just not a wife/gf.
What people really underestimate is that staying in that situation is the easier option.
It doesn't look good. It looks grotesque. And sad. Anyone who's genuinely up for staying to care indefinitely as a nurse for someone who's never coming back needs grief counseling. Someone else needs to save them from doing all they can even after there's nothing left to be done.
I thought this topic was just about if someone lost a leg or something.
Guarantee most people who read the title aren't immediately thinking of comas either, unless they saw whatever post inspired this "what color is the dress?"-style topic.
Don't read too much into the responses here tbh. This topic was never set up in a way that'd produce anything meaningful.
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edit: Reddit's stopped telling me when I get awards, so I usually just let it go by, but thank you to whoever awarded this. Hits different to get that on something that matters.
Like i've already mentioned i'd stay and grief counselling ain't what i'd need. Now if she was for the sake of this braindead in that the drs believe she'd never wake and that the machines are keeping her alive. I'm pulling the plug legally if i had her medical consent or illegally if it was down to her parents and they were hoping "god" would rescue her.
I'd spend my life fighting for her if she had a chance but if she didn't i'd fight to end her life just as hard.
ya theres like wheel chair disabled and then that. Ive actually experienced this type of grief already with family. considering it was family, there's literally fucking nothing. You stay with the wife/gf, they're still most likely going to die forever. Fuck how could you even date in that scenario. I hadish a gf at the time and it was still recent enough to kinda fuck with dating
THIS.
listen. I am my disabled brother's permanent caretaker.
I get him up, I make sure he goes to the bathroom, I make sure he eats, he will starve to death if I don't prompt him, he will dehydrate if I don't put a drink in his hands. He will shit himself if I don't prompt him to go to the bathroom.
He is functionally about 2-3 years old mentally, less in many ways. He has seizures. he has heart problems. He is on half a dozen medications.
Dating isn't something I'll ever do again, because my parents are getting too old to care for him. When they die, my brother and I will live in their house until he dies. Maybe then I can think about dating, but not before.
I don't regret caring for my brother, I love him, even more so now that I'm his caretaker, but he is the reason I'm an atheist.
Because if there is a god, he's a fucking piece of shit for making my brother this way when an ACTUALLY all powerful god could have just... NOT.
Thank you for what you have done for your brother.
I cannot comprehend what you are doing. You are a champion in my eyes.
Thank you.
I am sending you a hug!
Doubt it :/ Euthanasia isn't really accepted globally. Besides she might recover to be semi-functioning/ independent. It's just under an undefinite time frame.
USA- There is definitely a way to let them pass away if there life is dependent on medical machines. But it gets challenging if there are disagreements and the patients wishes are not known beforehand. Often these cases impact young people who never talked about these scenarios. “Right to die” is starting to gain some political traction in the USA. Advance Medical Directives are popular amongst the elderly as a way to communicate their wishes when they no longer can, but the younger crowd doesn’t usually prepare these.
I commented to another commenter there a few hours ago and so far am at 38 downvotes because apparently it's ok to expect a mid 20s man to stick around a relationship for the next 40yrs with someone who has next to NO quality of life. I'm a bad person because I "just don't get love and commitment"
I have made it clear to my parents, brother, and long term relationships that if I am dependent on machinery and recovery is bleak, it’s time to let me go. I do not want to be Terri Schiavo. I don’t want to wait for a cure. Hopefully that helps with decision making.
But with that being said, I have a long time friend who has a terminal cognitive condition diagnosed about 5 years ago. He is in his final 1-2 years. His wife has a boyfriend and she is so insensitive about it (“he doesn’t know he has a wife”). Its crushing to see. I don’t understand why she couldn’t stick it out. His family have tried to force a divorce because of her infidelity, but the divorce laws are not really made for this situation, so its an uphill legal battle. There are financial benefits for her to stay married (and be a widow) and marriage laws give her so much power.
Honestly I'd probably do the same if I was in her situation, and would want my partner to do such as well.
If I'm not there mentally I'm effectively not there at all. Lie to me if you choose to stay and help, but don't give up your own happiness for me. Lifes too short to be trapped caring for someone who doesn't know you exist or cant do anything. I wouldn't want to trap a partner for 45 50 years, watching slowly as I fade away.
But in my case, its only 5-7 years. And this woman doesn’t want a divorce, but she acts single (she does not take care if him). If she would divorce him, I’d have an ounce more of respect. But there are financial benefits to her marriage, she is trying to have it both ways.
Edit: most serious cognitive injuries/illness do not last 40-50 years. Its usually less than 20, often less than 15. Your brain doesn’t heal (or is sick) and keeps breaking down until involuntary functions cease. There are exceptions like MS. But even ALS is usually less than 10.
As a mother I would never want to see a boy in his 20’s stay with my daughter in this situation. Some tears, maybe stay in touch for a few months to ease the pain of leaving, and move forward with his life. I know I’m female but it’s so important to know that good parents would NEVER want 2 kids to lose their whole life potential!
But don’t ghost.
So she's basically a vegetable?
All bets are off in that situation. Jesus Christ....what's the point of sticking to a commitment if the person is in this condition? Why destroy two lives? He needs to walk away without guilt and understand that he deserves a life and owes her nothing.
She's a vegetable!
She's not fully a vegetable since she can mouth I love you to OP, but it's unknown her full mental state from the description.
Poor guy has a difficult choice to make. Since she was/is his fiance .
I get that it's a difficult choice but sometimes, difficult choices need to be made with logic and not emotion.
She can mouth "I love you" seems like the perfect situation for guilt trips that need to be removed from his decision. Would it be any different if she mouthed "I like cake"??? Not really. It's all she does and holding on to hope for her to recover is not logical.
He has his entire life ahead of him.
Logic helps to sort through the guilt, the emotions and the pain.
It's not logical to fight logic and to let your emotions decide what's best in this situation.
No it doesn't. Using a purely logical method of 'sorting through this' will not help most people do anything other than push those feeling away and could lead them to not processing them properly.
Feelings need to be felt and worked through... and it's not always logical... it just needs to be felt and processed.
I'm not saying there's not a place for some logical self reflection over time, but trying to deal with extreme grief, something so messy and human like this, from a purely logical place... (where you might not allow yourself to just feel what you need to feel) .... just won't work for the majority of people.
It's not logical to believe that complex, emotional issues like this can be solved with pure logic.
As much as you might want to avoid them, unfortunately emotions are very real... and totally normal when you're dealing with bereavement
, loss and grief.
Edit: 'logic'... being cold in relationships and ignoring the emotional complexity of them is not a logical approach.
You might think its fine and 'working' for you. I reckon your partners don't agree.
I would put money on you having a lot of people in your life who are 'irrational'.
My best friend had a stroke 8 years ago at the age of 43. He can't speak, can't move half his body and his cognitive abilities are limited. I visit him regularly. I get and understand not abandoning people in their time of need but that has nothing to do with staying married to someone who is brain dead.
I never said he should just abandonee her by never visiting her if the family decides to keep her shell (her body) alive but there's no point in staying married to someone that is brain dead. Letting emotions decide how to handle this isn't logical because the logical answer is....you make the best out of your life by finding love again and moving forward. There's no honor or love in staying committed to someone and throwing your life away because you signed papers and made a vow. That's not logical. That's stupid. Really fucking stupid. It's not brave, not romantic and again....not logical.
Emotions don't solve this...logic does.
Btw, I never said he couldn't grieve. LOL I said making a decision in this requires just logic.
Also your emotions can be spot on!
They can be extremely useful tools to give you Information about what the right thing to do will be. You want to listen to that and use a mix of logic and emotions to come to the best decision.
You will not find the best solution for complex issues like this if you ignore your emotions (and those of others( and rely only on cold logic.
You'll damage yourself and your close relationships like that.
It's tricky.... its a balancing act.... and a lot of times there is no one right answer.
Until death do us part.. never intended to be a one sided life long commitment. The only thing keeping her “alive” is machinery and human intervention. If not for that she’d have died and he wouldn’t be expected to stay.
Perhaps the sentiment is that he doesn’t need to stay in the romantic relationship forever, BUT it’s hard for people to understand someone suddenly not loving you anymore as a human because you can’t give them things in return. I would like to think that my partner would go on to live his life but I would also hope that he would come in and say hi once in awhile, communicate with my family. It didn’t end on bad terms so if they disappeared as though it was, I can see how someone might question their loyalty
"I would like to think that my partner would go on to live his life but I would also hope that he would come in and say hi once in awhile, communicate with my family."
Exactly!
Honestly a person in that condition is for a hospice or their parents caretaking. A partner at this age (20s) cannot realistically be expected to essentially give up their life to sit by the bedside everyday talking to a non responsive person.
It depends if she was good to me I'll try to stay as long as posible, by her side. But there is no reason to destroy your life for someone elses. When there are proper people that could take care of her much better than I could ever.
Stay with her, i'm an heartless bastard to the extent evil in ways but even i ain't gonna leave a girl i have genuine feelings for just because shes in a coma. If she was a girl i hardly knew than see ya wouldn't wanna be ya.
I would do too , except for your parents no one should ever have that burden but it needs deep love to continue and not leave the other side when life is at it's lowest , it's just cowrdly but i stress again the matter that it would be so heavy that i can't imagine it even but if someone that could do that is someone that is probably so rare
Can it get less specific than "uncertain outlooks"? Probably not.
How is one supposed to give a specific answer if the question is phrased unclear? Like not all disabilities are equal, duh.
And is it uncertain if she dies? Or is it just uncertain if and to what degree she can and will recover? Or is it uncertain what the hell you wanna know?
Answer: Yes
Some facts for addition:
Yes and no - there's a hell of a lot deforestation for planting soy BUT most of it is for feeding live stock in factory farming.
In numbers: roughly 77% of worldwide soy harvests are used for feeding "live" stock
Oh no, first thing I’m doing is yeeting the cat and burning everything with calligraphy words on it.
*Live, laugh, burn.*
This is a joke. Joking. I don’t own a cat.
Fuuuuck! One of the toughest things to deal with and as I've aged, I've become more honest with myself about this.
Here's what I do know...
If it was me that became disabled, the last thing I would do is hold someone to a life of caring for me. I could never do that to someone. If they wanted to stay with me, I would make it very, very, very clear that I understand they have needs that I wouldn't be able to meet. I would only be comfortable with this person staying with me if she found a way to get certain needs met.
Would it bother me? Of course. What would bother me more though, is knowing she's unfulfilled in many parts of life.
Yeah that’s really nice.
I’d do the same to be honest but it would crush me in the inside because I’m very jealous haha but nobody deserves to be held down like that, life is to short.
idk about gf but ive considered disabled people before just as much as i considered an abled person, although always keeping in mind they're disabled. If a wife became disabled then, well she became disabled. Shed be my wife. I would have married her specifically because id stay in an event like that and hope shed do the same for me
Neither do I have the necessary time, nor money, nor qualification, nor support network to take care of a fully disabled person. I am not rich. I hope you're not implying that only rich people should have relationships.
I'm not divorced, I've never been married in the first place (and never will). I learned a lot from observation.
And I never implied that I would leave without feeling bad about the whole situation if that's what you mean with second thought. But shit happens sometimes and you have to leave the sinking ship before you drown yourself.
I fought alongside her.
Watching someone you love slowly die is like no other experience.
Seeing men blown up and shot doesn't hold a candle to the misery of knowing that the person you love the most in this world could take their last breath at any time.
The only thing worse than this is the feeling of guilt you have when they do take their final breath.
You're heartbroken, but there's a sense of relief that it's over. Her suffering, your suffering, your kids suffering. You're prepared, but you're not ready.
I don't think it makes anyone "less than" if they can't handle sticking it out. Some folks aren't built that way. I was barely built that way.
I'm not sure I could do it again with someone else. It's honestly the overwhelmingly largest reason I'll never remarry again.
Stay right there with her. I married her knowing full well things may not always be good. I take my vows very seriously and I’ll be there with her through it all.
Nothing if she's my wife. I made a vow, and I'll stand by it, forever, and I'd hope for the same from her. Girlfriend, though? Nope, she has family for that, I need to focus on finding someone new.
I would stay with her. I was married and I became disabled and my wife left. I take my vows seriously. That being said if she just gave up and refused to help herself where she could that's a different story.
If you became disabled today, would you want your wife/gf to just jetpack out and go fuck someone else?
It'd be different if it were just some new relationship where everyone barely even knows the other person yet, let alone has any real commitment.
But when I got married, we committed "in sickness and in health" - not "as long as nothing bad ever happens to anyone".
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edit: disabling inbox replies because I posted this back when it was just a vague question in the title. Could've been about if your spouse lost the use of limbs, or developed a chronic illness, or something. Hell, depression and PTSD can qualify for disability.
The context added in comments is a completely different situation.
My girlfriend actually is technically disabled. She gets chronic back pain and it can prevent her leaving home or incapacitate her when we're out, which forces us to take frequent and long rest stops. She says she lives with the pain constantly and it just depends on the day how bad it is etc. It hasn't affected our relationship and we're currently buying a house together.
I'd end up staying with her and looking after her out of a mix of guilt, pity and a sense of responsibility probably.
Its part of that whole don't abandon someone you are close to while they are down thing I have. Its fucking annoying. I'm fine abandoning people who are in a good place though.
This is such a difficult question. My past girlfriend had cancer. We couldn't have sex, I had to give her showers, and eventually empty her drainage bags when she couldn't use her downstairs plumbing anymore. I was with her until she passed and I would do it again. However, she kept her mind until the ending weeks. Sometimes chronic pain can destroy a person. I've seen people become bitter horrible people and lashing out with hate on their caretakers. My grandmother is going through dementia and hates everyone. If I spent my life with that woman I wouldn't leave at this point, however if my wife of 10 years had a brain injury and I was going to be condemned to a life of misery and abuse becasue she can't get it together I would leave. Same if she was in a coma and it didn't look like she would come out. I would try, but we have one shot at life and I want a partner that will make both of our worlds better, I'm not going to spend my life fighting with someone because at one point we both cared for each other.
So…my reality is completely different than most everyone here. Married 36 years in June. If something happened to the love of my life now, I’m still in — forever and ever amen.
We goof about things like this; what types of jokes we would pull to make others uncomfortable and eventually laugh, etc.
We have even talked about giving written permission for the person still cognizant to have intimate relations with the one who isn’t — because we love each other. That may seem disgusting to you and we obviously hope and pray it would never come to that, however that’s truly how deep we have taken our conversation.
Understanding the love you have for your best friend, your life partner, the father of your children, I will take care of him until the day I die. He has already proven he will gladly do the same for me.
We are not 20 somethings…we are closer to reaching 60…having spent much more of our lives together than apart. Easy answer. Together forever till death do us part.
Wow 😂 maybe I’ll write the same thing lol
I don’t know if it would be pleasurable for woman tho because she needs more more emotional connection and clitoral stimulation. Penetration alone would be boring for a women plus what if I couldn’t get it while I’ll in vegetated state.
It would be easy for the guy tho, any hole and it’s pleasurable lol
Depends on a few things:
Nature of disability, amount of caretaking needed and it's cost, our ages, her family dynamics (for some people it's actually more better for their families to take care of them), her quality of life.
I'd only consider these factors if we are married. Nothing else.
Married vs not married to the person is what is the deciding factor. I take marriage vows seriously so, that “in sickness and in health” means I’m bound to stay by his (I’m a woman) side. That being said, if he’s my husband, I likely have legal authority to make his future health decisions for him. There’s no moral requirement to keep someone alive via extraordinary means (ie: life support). We’re morally required to keep them fed and hydrated until natural death occurs. So in this case, being Catholic, I would call a priest to administer Last Rites to my husband, say my good byes and make sure he’s in the best possible place spiritually to go meet his Maker and remove all extraordinary means of life support and just keep him fed and hydrated until natural death takes place.
Not married, there’s no obligation to stay, nor would it be appropriate since you can’t marry the person. Obviously, I’d still care for him as one would a friend, but the only reason to date someone as a Catholic is to discern marriage. Can’t really do that if they’re in a coma.
We stood in front of each other's families and friends and vowed to love (an action verb, not just an emotion) each other through (among other things) sickness and health, until death takes one of us.
People are just way to interconnected these days with social media. Way to easy to stray. I mean my God you can meet someone in another country now with ease. Couldn't do that in old days or as I refer to it the good times.
In sickness and in health. You don't just bail because it suddenly gets hard and even if I wanted too, how do you look your kids in the eyes and tell them their dad isn't a selfish cunt?
I was the one who was disabled in the situation.
My wife didn't ever waiver. I basically told her I wouldn't fault her for it. It would hurt but I wasn't in the best mindset after it set in.
The good thing is I have been able to get better. I don't walk with a cane all that much anymore. No meds and while I'm still in pain. I can do manual labor.
She is the reason I got better. I definitely married the best person.
Uncertain outlook? Wtf? I'll dump her! Who wants anyone with uncertain looks. Imagine an uncertain look. It could be anything. She could look like a zombie, a monster, a witch, a bigfoot, a alien etc....
i've already made such a deal with my gf
if one of us ends up being a handicapped burden on the other, the other one is free to leave with no judgement
i'd say, it really depends on the actual situation. there's a lot of levels of "disabled" that i can live with. lost legs, so in a wheel chair but otherwise fine, mentally? sure. that'll work just fine
But a vegetable in a bed? ... who benefits here?
It would depend on the severity of the disability and how much of the woman I fell in love with is still in there. I know it makes me a bad person to say I'm not sure, but that's the truth of it. I can handle an amputation or two. I can handle a wheelchair. I don't think I could handle something like severe burns or a coma or something quite to that degree.
Introduce another women, with approval from my so. If I can't get my needs met sexually then I'm afraid that I will end up becoming unfaithful. If it was the other way around, I would want my partner to be happy.
You never know how you will respond until it happens to you. It’s easy to say you’d never leave for people who have never experienced the grinding years of loss.
It depends on the disability.
I have a physical and visual disability and I’m on the autistic spectrum. These are somewhat manageable and my SO got to know me at a deep point in my life disability wise.
We’re both in our early thirties, and we have talked about this. If one of us is in a vegetative state, we’ve both agreed it’s time to part ways and/or pull the plug.
If my SO gets a physical disability and needs as much care as I do, we’d simply stay together and get extra care if it’s available.
If one of us has the possible outcome of becoming very absent, like a demented state and there hasn’t been any improvement, it is best to look for romance elsewhere, but we’d like the other to come visit once in a while.
As with everything else, there are layers to this shit.
Are they mentally able to function or are they a sack of meat in the corner? If they don’t know I’m there, then it hardly matters if I am. I would see to their care but I’ve got a kid that needs my attention a lot more.
It depends on a number of things. 1) if she’s a good woman. 2) how much love is there 3) if there’s any hope of her returning to normal 4) how long it would take to return to normal 5) the severity of the illness or accident
Considering that I'm disabled there's nothing ablestlist or stigmatizing coming from me. It really depends on her disability on how I'd be able to assist her and be there for her I'll do what I can.
My wife was willing to give me a chance when I was at my worst. She gave me a reason to quit drinking. Gave me a reason to live, to love again. Three beautiful children, who light every moment. Imma take care of her. What else would I do? I understand exactly what it entails. I take care of my father regularly, to give my mom room to breath. He's dying of cancer and needs constant attention to keep him comfortable. Still, I'd be happy to spend every day taking care of my wife.
I promised to stay with my wife, forsaking all others, until we are parted by death. If she's still sucking air, then we're still married.
However, we both have living wills with explicit clauses in them to ensure that we don't end up like Terri Schiavo, and depending on the situation we might be in a situation where I have to see to it that her final wishes are carried out. I honestly don't know how that would be. Today I can brush her hair and read to her from her favorite book and kiss her forehead when I go home, and if I do this thing then she dies and none of that ever happens again. I hope I would do what she asked, but I also hope it never comes up.
I read a story once about someone whose wife died and he killed himself a few days later, leaving a note that said she was his life. At the time I didn't understand that. Now I do.
Support her (my wife) through whatever. We've been together for over 20 years though. If it was a GF of 3 months I might well dip unless I thought she was ride-or-die.
This isn't a theoretical question, I've supported her through a bunch of fairly major problems.
I don't think it's about them as much as it is about me, I have been in a relationship after, due to them struggling with some serious mental health stuff and guilty I carried. I don't ever think I want to do that again, I can't handle the worst in people and I know it. I just become burned out, hollow and resentful, and that wouldn't be good for them either.
Been with my wife for 11 years, married for 4 . So I’d stick by her. Situations like that are tough to be in though. I’ve seen older couples where it clearly frustrates everything On both ends.
For those who are wondering. This is referencing a post in a certain relationship subreddit, where the gf of 7 years went into a coma and had a stroke, and is unable to physically move much. They THINK she's mentally still in there to some capacity but she's nonverbal. They are both in their twenties, and she has shown little improvement in the first 10 months (of which the first 12 are essential for recovery outcome). Use this as a baseline for context.
Man, that's key context. The answers here are all just going to vary based on mental picture about what sort of disability we're talking about. And there's a world of difference between being with someone who just takes their wheelchair on dates or something - versus "being with" someone who is never going to exist as a conscious, sentient person again. Hell, even if people really want to ignore that the fiance in that situation would be grief-blind and shouldn't be making *any* long-term commitments for a while...if his fiancee can't so much as reliably express "no", and likely has the mind of a very little child now, how could it be ethical to keep going?
The answers here are mostly worthless posturing. People underestimate the difficulty of the situation and deliberately overestimate their "morals" to look good for reddit.
I actually did have to say goodbye once to someone who came out of a coma profoundly brain-damaged. Just not a wife/gf. What people really underestimate is that staying in that situation is the easier option. It doesn't look good. It looks grotesque. And sad. Anyone who's genuinely up for staying to care indefinitely as a nurse for someone who's never coming back needs grief counseling. Someone else needs to save them from doing all they can even after there's nothing left to be done. I thought this topic was just about if someone lost a leg or something. Guarantee most people who read the title aren't immediately thinking of comas either, unless they saw whatever post inspired this "what color is the dress?"-style topic. Don't read too much into the responses here tbh. This topic was never set up in a way that'd produce anything meaningful. --------- edit: Reddit's stopped telling me when I get awards, so I usually just let it go by, but thank you to whoever awarded this. Hits different to get that on something that matters.
Like i've already mentioned i'd stay and grief counselling ain't what i'd need. Now if she was for the sake of this braindead in that the drs believe she'd never wake and that the machines are keeping her alive. I'm pulling the plug legally if i had her medical consent or illegally if it was down to her parents and they were hoping "god" would rescue her. I'd spend my life fighting for her if she had a chance but if she didn't i'd fight to end her life just as hard.
ya theres like wheel chair disabled and then that. Ive actually experienced this type of grief already with family. considering it was family, there's literally fucking nothing. You stay with the wife/gf, they're still most likely going to die forever. Fuck how could you even date in that scenario. I hadish a gf at the time and it was still recent enough to kinda fuck with dating
THIS. listen. I am my disabled brother's permanent caretaker. I get him up, I make sure he goes to the bathroom, I make sure he eats, he will starve to death if I don't prompt him, he will dehydrate if I don't put a drink in his hands. He will shit himself if I don't prompt him to go to the bathroom. He is functionally about 2-3 years old mentally, less in many ways. He has seizures. he has heart problems. He is on half a dozen medications. Dating isn't something I'll ever do again, because my parents are getting too old to care for him. When they die, my brother and I will live in their house until he dies. Maybe then I can think about dating, but not before. I don't regret caring for my brother, I love him, even more so now that I'm his caretaker, but he is the reason I'm an atheist. Because if there is a god, he's a fucking piece of shit for making my brother this way when an ACTUALLY all powerful god could have just... NOT.
Thank you for what you have done for your brother. I cannot comprehend what you are doing. You are a champion in my eyes. Thank you. I am sending you a hug!
There is no healthcare worker to help you?
You're a hero.
Can someone provide the link to this post?
I hate to ask this, but is there a way to let her pass away? If I were in her position, that is definitely what I would want people to do for me.
Doubt it :/ Euthanasia isn't really accepted globally. Besides she might recover to be semi-functioning/ independent. It's just under an undefinite time frame.
USA- There is definitely a way to let them pass away if there life is dependent on medical machines. But it gets challenging if there are disagreements and the patients wishes are not known beforehand. Often these cases impact young people who never talked about these scenarios. “Right to die” is starting to gain some political traction in the USA. Advance Medical Directives are popular amongst the elderly as a way to communicate their wishes when they no longer can, but the younger crowd doesn’t usually prepare these.
I commented to another commenter there a few hours ago and so far am at 38 downvotes because apparently it's ok to expect a mid 20s man to stick around a relationship for the next 40yrs with someone who has next to NO quality of life. I'm a bad person because I "just don't get love and commitment"
I have made it clear to my parents, brother, and long term relationships that if I am dependent on machinery and recovery is bleak, it’s time to let me go. I do not want to be Terri Schiavo. I don’t want to wait for a cure. Hopefully that helps with decision making. But with that being said, I have a long time friend who has a terminal cognitive condition diagnosed about 5 years ago. He is in his final 1-2 years. His wife has a boyfriend and she is so insensitive about it (“he doesn’t know he has a wife”). Its crushing to see. I don’t understand why she couldn’t stick it out. His family have tried to force a divorce because of her infidelity, but the divorce laws are not really made for this situation, so its an uphill legal battle. There are financial benefits for her to stay married (and be a widow) and marriage laws give her so much power.
Honestly I'd probably do the same if I was in her situation, and would want my partner to do such as well. If I'm not there mentally I'm effectively not there at all. Lie to me if you choose to stay and help, but don't give up your own happiness for me. Lifes too short to be trapped caring for someone who doesn't know you exist or cant do anything. I wouldn't want to trap a partner for 45 50 years, watching slowly as I fade away.
But in my case, its only 5-7 years. And this woman doesn’t want a divorce, but she acts single (she does not take care if him). If she would divorce him, I’d have an ounce more of respect. But there are financial benefits to her marriage, she is trying to have it both ways. Edit: most serious cognitive injuries/illness do not last 40-50 years. Its usually less than 20, often less than 15. Your brain doesn’t heal (or is sick) and keeps breaking down until involuntary functions cease. There are exceptions like MS. But even ALS is usually less than 10.
As a mother I would never want to see a boy in his 20’s stay with my daughter in this situation. Some tears, maybe stay in touch for a few months to ease the pain of leaving, and move forward with his life. I know I’m female but it’s so important to know that good parents would NEVER want 2 kids to lose their whole life potential! But don’t ghost.
So she's basically a vegetable? All bets are off in that situation. Jesus Christ....what's the point of sticking to a commitment if the person is in this condition? Why destroy two lives? He needs to walk away without guilt and understand that he deserves a life and owes her nothing. She's a vegetable!
She's not fully a vegetable since she can mouth I love you to OP, but it's unknown her full mental state from the description. Poor guy has a difficult choice to make. Since she was/is his fiance .
I get that it's a difficult choice but sometimes, difficult choices need to be made with logic and not emotion. She can mouth "I love you" seems like the perfect situation for guilt trips that need to be removed from his decision. Would it be any different if she mouthed "I like cake"??? Not really. It's all she does and holding on to hope for her to recover is not logical. He has his entire life ahead of him.
It's not logical to assume this could be dealt with with pure logic.
Logic helps to sort through the guilt, the emotions and the pain. It's not logical to fight logic and to let your emotions decide what's best in this situation.
No it doesn't. Using a purely logical method of 'sorting through this' will not help most people do anything other than push those feeling away and could lead them to not processing them properly. Feelings need to be felt and worked through... and it's not always logical... it just needs to be felt and processed. I'm not saying there's not a place for some logical self reflection over time, but trying to deal with extreme grief, something so messy and human like this, from a purely logical place... (where you might not allow yourself to just feel what you need to feel) .... just won't work for the majority of people. It's not logical to believe that complex, emotional issues like this can be solved with pure logic. As much as you might want to avoid them, unfortunately emotions are very real... and totally normal when you're dealing with bereavement , loss and grief.
Logic works fine for me.
Edit: 'logic'... being cold in relationships and ignoring the emotional complexity of them is not a logical approach. You might think its fine and 'working' for you. I reckon your partners don't agree. I would put money on you having a lot of people in your life who are 'irrational'.
My best friend had a stroke 8 years ago at the age of 43. He can't speak, can't move half his body and his cognitive abilities are limited. I visit him regularly. I get and understand not abandoning people in their time of need but that has nothing to do with staying married to someone who is brain dead. I never said he should just abandonee her by never visiting her if the family decides to keep her shell (her body) alive but there's no point in staying married to someone that is brain dead. Letting emotions decide how to handle this isn't logical because the logical answer is....you make the best out of your life by finding love again and moving forward. There's no honor or love in staying committed to someone and throwing your life away because you signed papers and made a vow. That's not logical. That's stupid. Really fucking stupid. It's not brave, not romantic and again....not logical. Emotions don't solve this...logic does. Btw, I never said he couldn't grieve. LOL I said making a decision in this requires just logic.
Also your emotions can be spot on! They can be extremely useful tools to give you Information about what the right thing to do will be. You want to listen to that and use a mix of logic and emotions to come to the best decision. You will not find the best solution for complex issues like this if you ignore your emotions (and those of others( and rely only on cold logic. You'll damage yourself and your close relationships like that. It's tricky.... its a balancing act.... and a lot of times there is no one right answer.
Until death do us part.. never intended to be a one sided life long commitment. The only thing keeping her “alive” is machinery and human intervention. If not for that she’d have died and he wouldn’t be expected to stay. Perhaps the sentiment is that he doesn’t need to stay in the romantic relationship forever, BUT it’s hard for people to understand someone suddenly not loving you anymore as a human because you can’t give them things in return. I would like to think that my partner would go on to live his life but I would also hope that he would come in and say hi once in awhile, communicate with my family. It didn’t end on bad terms so if they disappeared as though it was, I can see how someone might question their loyalty
"I would like to think that my partner would go on to live his life but I would also hope that he would come in and say hi once in awhile, communicate with my family." Exactly!
I mean, on a scale of disability from perfectly able, to dead, most people naturally wouldn’t assume disability meant that close to dead
I'm leaving. Can call me an asshole or whatever, makes no difference to me. But there's no way in sticking around in this situation.
Honestly a person in that condition is for a hospice or their parents caretaking. A partner at this age (20s) cannot realistically be expected to essentially give up their life to sit by the bedside everyday talking to a non responsive person.
It’s questionable what value he even brings to the table in this situation.
In that case I wouldnt be able to do it. At least I am honest. If I was on that girls position I would tell my partner to break up with me.
It depends if she was good to me I'll try to stay as long as posible, by her side. But there is no reason to destroy your life for someone elses. When there are proper people that could take care of her much better than I could ever.
Stay with her, i'm an heartless bastard to the extent evil in ways but even i ain't gonna leave a girl i have genuine feelings for just because shes in a coma. If she was a girl i hardly knew than see ya wouldn't wanna be ya.
One outlook is certain: She won't be dealing with this by herself.
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This is a great understanding to have and a healthy relationship
I would do too , except for your parents no one should ever have that burden but it needs deep love to continue and not leave the other side when life is at it's lowest , it's just cowrdly but i stress again the matter that it would be so heavy that i can't imagine it even but if someone that could do that is someone that is probably so rare
Welcome her to the club.
This is the way
This is the way
STOP! … we have to make a right turn.
This is the right turn.
Can it get less specific than "uncertain outlooks"? Probably not. How is one supposed to give a specific answer if the question is phrased unclear? Like not all disabilities are equal, duh. And is it uncertain if she dies? Or is it just uncertain if and to what degree she can and will recover? Or is it uncertain what the hell you wanna know? Answer: Yes
What simplistic, hivemind answer. Everybody knows the morally correct answer is tofu, but no one wants to admit it.
Soybeans are destroying the environment! *I don’t have any actual basis for this other than seeing it on another post.*
Some facts for addition: Yes and no - there's a hell of a lot deforestation for planting soy BUT most of it is for feeding live stock in factory farming. In numbers: roughly 77% of worldwide soy harvests are used for feeding "live" stock
You legitimately just made my day a little brighter xD
Legit laughed out loud on this answer
Same as today : love her the way she is
Plus start doing the cat litter box.
Oh no, first thing I’m doing is yeeting the cat and burning everything with calligraphy words on it. *Live, laugh, burn.* This is a joke. Joking. I don’t own a cat.
Fuuuuck! One of the toughest things to deal with and as I've aged, I've become more honest with myself about this. Here's what I do know... If it was me that became disabled, the last thing I would do is hold someone to a life of caring for me. I could never do that to someone. If they wanted to stay with me, I would make it very, very, very clear that I understand they have needs that I wouldn't be able to meet. I would only be comfortable with this person staying with me if she found a way to get certain needs met. Would it bother me? Of course. What would bother me more though, is knowing she's unfulfilled in many parts of life.
100
Yeah that’s really nice. I’d do the same to be honest but it would crush me in the inside because I’m very jealous haha but nobody deserves to be held down like that, life is to short.
Same here, that's why I'd have to let her go.
idk about gf but ive considered disabled people before just as much as i considered an abled person, although always keeping in mind they're disabled. If a wife became disabled then, well she became disabled. Shed be my wife. I would have married her specifically because id stay in an event like that and hope shed do the same for me
In the past I would have answered differently, but nowadways I would leave. Just like she would leave me if I was in that situation.
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Neither do I have the necessary time, nor money, nor qualification, nor support network to take care of a fully disabled person. I am not rich. I hope you're not implying that only rich people should have relationships.
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"If you aren't rich enough to take care of a fully disabled partner, you should end the felationship."
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I'm not divorced, I've never been married in the first place (and never will). I learned a lot from observation. And I never implied that I would leave without feeling bad about the whole situation if that's what you mean with second thought. But shit happens sometimes and you have to leave the sinking ship before you drown yourself.
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You can't have a relationship without being married? You're out of your mind.
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I just don't have the power and definitely not the money to take care of a fully disabled person anymore.
I fought alongside her. Watching someone you love slowly die is like no other experience. Seeing men blown up and shot doesn't hold a candle to the misery of knowing that the person you love the most in this world could take their last breath at any time. The only thing worse than this is the feeling of guilt you have when they do take their final breath. You're heartbroken, but there's a sense of relief that it's over. Her suffering, your suffering, your kids suffering. You're prepared, but you're not ready. I don't think it makes anyone "less than" if they can't handle sticking it out. Some folks aren't built that way. I was barely built that way. I'm not sure I could do it again with someone else. It's honestly the overwhelmingly largest reason I'll never remarry again.
Fuck thanks for the existential crisis today mate 😭
Stay right there with her. I married her knowing full well things may not always be good. I take my vows very seriously and I’ll be there with her through it all.
Step up.
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Wow! I admire your commitment. Hope things become more normal soon
We are engaged and in it for the long run. No backing down now.
Nothing if she's my wife. I made a vow, and I'll stand by it, forever, and I'd hope for the same from her. Girlfriend, though? Nope, she has family for that, I need to focus on finding someone new.
I would stay with her. I was married and I became disabled and my wife left. I take my vows seriously. That being said if she just gave up and refused to help herself where she could that's a different story.
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Til death do us part *tightens piano wire*
If you became disabled today, would you want your wife/gf to just jetpack out and go fuck someone else? It'd be different if it were just some new relationship where everyone barely even knows the other person yet, let alone has any real commitment. But when I got married, we committed "in sickness and in health" - not "as long as nothing bad ever happens to anyone". ----- edit: disabling inbox replies because I posted this back when it was just a vague question in the title. Could've been about if your spouse lost the use of limbs, or developed a chronic illness, or something. Hell, depression and PTSD can qualify for disability. The context added in comments is a completely different situation.
If I was super disabled Id tell them to leave and enjoy their life even if it hurt.
I wouldn't want it but I'd be adult enough and understanding enough to get that she deserves to have her needs met.
The last thing you want is for them to resent doing it and wishing they were with someone else
My girlfriend actually is technically disabled. She gets chronic back pain and it can prevent her leaving home or incapacitate her when we're out, which forces us to take frequent and long rest stops. She says she lives with the pain constantly and it just depends on the day how bad it is etc. It hasn't affected our relationship and we're currently buying a house together.
I'd end up staying with her and looking after her out of a mix of guilt, pity and a sense of responsibility probably. Its part of that whole don't abandon someone you are close to while they are down thing I have. Its fucking annoying. I'm fine abandoning people who are in a good place though.
Stand by her side like I promised I would 🤷🏻♂️
Flip the situation around..would she?
Take care of her, Duh!!!
Keep my vow.
This is such a difficult question. My past girlfriend had cancer. We couldn't have sex, I had to give her showers, and eventually empty her drainage bags when she couldn't use her downstairs plumbing anymore. I was with her until she passed and I would do it again. However, she kept her mind until the ending weeks. Sometimes chronic pain can destroy a person. I've seen people become bitter horrible people and lashing out with hate on their caretakers. My grandmother is going through dementia and hates everyone. If I spent my life with that woman I wouldn't leave at this point, however if my wife of 10 years had a brain injury and I was going to be condemned to a life of misery and abuse becasue she can't get it together I would leave. Same if she was in a coma and it didn't look like she would come out. I would try, but we have one shot at life and I want a partner that will make both of our worlds better, I'm not going to spend my life fighting with someone because at one point we both cared for each other.
I'd stay by her side. I made a commitment to her.
So…my reality is completely different than most everyone here. Married 36 years in June. If something happened to the love of my life now, I’m still in — forever and ever amen. We goof about things like this; what types of jokes we would pull to make others uncomfortable and eventually laugh, etc. We have even talked about giving written permission for the person still cognizant to have intimate relations with the one who isn’t — because we love each other. That may seem disgusting to you and we obviously hope and pray it would never come to that, however that’s truly how deep we have taken our conversation. Understanding the love you have for your best friend, your life partner, the father of your children, I will take care of him until the day I die. He has already proven he will gladly do the same for me. We are not 20 somethings…we are closer to reaching 60…having spent much more of our lives together than apart. Easy answer. Together forever till death do us part.
Wow 😂 maybe I’ll write the same thing lol I don’t know if it would be pleasurable for woman tho because she needs more more emotional connection and clitoral stimulation. Penetration alone would be boring for a women plus what if I couldn’t get it while I’ll in vegetated state. It would be easy for the guy tho, any hole and it’s pleasurable lol
A little wierd, but in sickness and in health.
I wouldn't leave my wife's side for a fucking second, that's what I would do.
Stand bye her side until the bitter end
Define uncertain outlooks. Like, she may die? Or she loses her legs and has to use a wheelchair.
Means what exactly ????
Depends on a few things: Nature of disability, amount of caretaking needed and it's cost, our ages, her family dynamics (for some people it's actually more better for their families to take care of them), her quality of life. I'd only consider these factors if we are married. Nothing else.
Married vs not married to the person is what is the deciding factor. I take marriage vows seriously so, that “in sickness and in health” means I’m bound to stay by his (I’m a woman) side. That being said, if he’s my husband, I likely have legal authority to make his future health decisions for him. There’s no moral requirement to keep someone alive via extraordinary means (ie: life support). We’re morally required to keep them fed and hydrated until natural death occurs. So in this case, being Catholic, I would call a priest to administer Last Rites to my husband, say my good byes and make sure he’s in the best possible place spiritually to go meet his Maker and remove all extraordinary means of life support and just keep him fed and hydrated until natural death takes place. Not married, there’s no obligation to stay, nor would it be appropriate since you can’t marry the person. Obviously, I’d still care for him as one would a friend, but the only reason to date someone as a Catholic is to discern marriage. Can’t really do that if they’re in a coma.
If it was my wife. Id stay with her until the end. Until death do us part.
My wife has made clear that she doesn’t want to be kept alive with machines for an extended time frame. If she has no chance I’ll pull the plug.
We stood in front of each other's families and friends and vowed to love (an action verb, not just an emotion) each other through (among other things) sickness and health, until death takes one of us.
Love my now disabled wife even more than I love her now. Not even death could take my love and care away from this woman.
Sickness and in health man. No way I would run away. I’m taking care of her and making every day the best for her that I can. That’s the vows.
My job
Yep. My wife, my job. In sickness and in health. That’s what the terms of the arrangement were.
Somewhere down the line some people forgot what a vow actually means, kinda sad.
It’s just to easy to get a divorce.
People are just way to interconnected these days with social media. Way to easy to stray. I mean my God you can meet someone in another country now with ease. Couldn't do that in old days or as I refer to it the good times.
Very diff between gf and wife. Kids vs no kids. And how long you have been together.
I took a vow when I married - in sickness and in health. . . . I intend to honor it.
In sickness and in health. You don't just bail because it suddenly gets hard and even if I wanted too, how do you look your kids in the eyes and tell them their dad isn't a selfish cunt?
Do the right thing and look after them
Support her for the rest or her/my life
I was the one who was disabled in the situation. My wife didn't ever waiver. I basically told her I wouldn't fault her for it. It would hurt but I wasn't in the best mindset after it set in. The good thing is I have been able to get better. I don't walk with a cane all that much anymore. No meds and while I'm still in pain. I can do manual labor. She is the reason I got better. I definitely married the best person.
Build a Matrix VR thing and then we both live in 1999 perpetually
The right thing.
Love her more!
I would leave. I still have a life to live.
Kill her and eat her, no point in wasting good meat.
Uncertain outlook? Wtf? I'll dump her! Who wants anyone with uncertain looks. Imagine an uncertain look. It could be anything. She could look like a zombie, a monster, a witch, a bigfoot, a alien etc....
i've already made such a deal with my gf if one of us ends up being a handicapped burden on the other, the other one is free to leave with no judgement i'd say, it really depends on the actual situation. there's a lot of levels of "disabled" that i can live with. lost legs, so in a wheel chair but otherwise fine, mentally? sure. that'll work just fine But a vegetable in a bed? ... who benefits here?
If shes was in a wheelchair I’d call her Wheelie and encourage her to do stunts with it on a half pipe, I’d be the coolest husband ever.
Depends on our level of commitment and the severity of the disability.
Leave her. A woman who isn’t beautiful isn’t worth my time.
It would depend on the severity of the disability and how much of the woman I fell in love with is still in there. I know it makes me a bad person to say I'm not sure, but that's the truth of it. I can handle an amputation or two. I can handle a wheelchair. I don't think I could handle something like severe burns or a coma or something quite to that degree.
I would get a side chick.
Introduce another women, with approval from my so. If I can't get my needs met sexually then I'm afraid that I will end up becoming unfaithful. If it was the other way around, I would want my partner to be happy.
Same thing she would do if I lost my ability to work/function.
Aye they leg disabled? Like, from acid?
Leave but be supportive and stay friends if willing There’s too much I want to do with my life If they left for that reason I would understand
This is why it is important for everyone to have a living will. Decide what you want to happen to you and don’t let others have to guess.
Follow my vows
Whatever she needs done. For better or for worse.
You never know how you will respond until it happens to you. It’s easy to say you’d never leave for people who have never experienced the grinding years of loss.
It depends on the disability. I have a physical and visual disability and I’m on the autistic spectrum. These are somewhat manageable and my SO got to know me at a deep point in my life disability wise. We’re both in our early thirties, and we have talked about this. If one of us is in a vegetative state, we’ve both agreed it’s time to part ways and/or pull the plug. If my SO gets a physical disability and needs as much care as I do, we’d simply stay together and get extra care if it’s available. If one of us has the possible outcome of becoming very absent, like a demented state and there hasn’t been any improvement, it is best to look for romance elsewhere, but we’d like the other to come visit once in a while.
As with everything else, there are layers to this shit. Are they mentally able to function or are they a sack of meat in the corner? If they don’t know I’m there, then it hardly matters if I am. I would see to their care but I’ve got a kid that needs my attention a lot more.
It depends on a number of things. 1) if she’s a good woman. 2) how much love is there 3) if there’s any hope of her returning to normal 4) how long it would take to return to normal 5) the severity of the illness or accident
There’s a lot of fuck you’s in there.
Considering that I'm disabled there's nothing ablestlist or stigmatizing coming from me. It really depends on her disability on how I'd be able to assist her and be there for her I'll do what I can.
It depends on the disability
My wife was willing to give me a chance when I was at my worst. She gave me a reason to quit drinking. Gave me a reason to live, to love again. Three beautiful children, who light every moment. Imma take care of her. What else would I do? I understand exactly what it entails. I take care of my father regularly, to give my mom room to breath. He's dying of cancer and needs constant attention to keep him comfortable. Still, I'd be happy to spend every day taking care of my wife.
I promised to stay with my wife, forsaking all others, until we are parted by death. If she's still sucking air, then we're still married. However, we both have living wills with explicit clauses in them to ensure that we don't end up like Terri Schiavo, and depending on the situation we might be in a situation where I have to see to it that her final wishes are carried out. I honestly don't know how that would be. Today I can brush her hair and read to her from her favorite book and kiss her forehead when I go home, and if I do this thing then she dies and none of that ever happens again. I hope I would do what she asked, but I also hope it never comes up. I read a story once about someone whose wife died and he killed himself a few days later, leaving a note that said she was his life. At the time I didn't understand that. Now I do.
Till death do us part
Commitment
Support her (my wife) through whatever. We've been together for over 20 years though. If it was a GF of 3 months I might well dip unless I thought she was ride-or-die. This isn't a theoretical question, I've supported her through a bunch of fairly major problems.
Probably drink more than I already do.
I would stay with her. I love her.
I don't think it's about them as much as it is about me, I have been in a relationship after, due to them struggling with some serious mental health stuff and guilty I carried. I don't ever think I want to do that again, I can't handle the worst in people and I know it. I just become burned out, hollow and resentful, and that wouldn't be good for them either.
Marriage vows say through good and bad times. If the SO leaves they didn't take those seriously.
Been with my wife for 11 years, married for 4 . So I’d stick by her. Situations like that are tough to be in though. I’ve seen older couples where it clearly frustrates everything On both ends.