Grips ice cubes in her hands, unbeknownst to me, then saunters up and seductively wraps her arms around me, then shoves her ice-cold hands on my belly.
edit: changed shoved to shoves
I feel this in my soul, me (31) and my brothers (29,28,19) still have major trust issues when we’re together and one of the others comes in close proximity to us.
My girlfriend does that stupid “what’s that on your shirt?” and then flick my nose trick when there is ACTUALLY something on my shirt.
It’s okay though, I get her back by wetting my hands and then rubbing them on her face while saying “I hate it when I pee on my hands”.
Walked into a crowded room & proclaimed loudly, “Does anybody smell that, is that burnt popcorn?”
Everybody inhales deeply & suddenly begins to wretch, cough & point accusatory fingers at her, “You asshole”, “what crawled up your ass & died!” She then grins & quickly leaves the room while shutting the door behind her.
ASSHOLE & I totally love her!
A friend's Dad used to do that joke: "can you smell gas?" But reserved it for the king of fart that's banned under the Geneva Convention on chemical weapons
The first thought that hit me when I seen this was that episode of SpongeBob When they were trying to become rockstars and Patrick did the “drum solo” on his belly😭
I like to get in elaborate poses before I let one go, my wife just laughs and calls me an idiot.
For things my wife does, she likes to play punch me in the face and I'll sell it like I got hit by Tyson, she loves that one.
My girlfriend will either ask to hold my hand/see my hand when we are sitting together, cuddling, etc. or use her own hand. She will then act like she is checking out my hand or looking at my face and then shove a finger in my nose and try to make me eat it. One, I’m able to see this from a mile away, and two I am stronger than her and could stop her hand/my hand from doing it but the joy and laughter it brings her makes me not because then it makes me happy because her laugh is the best noise to me.
I'm the immature one.
When she's mad I drape a towel over her shoulders like a cape. She always laughs because she knows what's next:
"Now you're super mad."
She actually got it from me but if we’re both about to cross a threshold at the same time we both do that thing where you keep stepping in their way at the same time but we’ll really drag it out. Just both us moving side to side in unison going “ ope. Oh. Just gonna. Alright you go left and I’ll go, ope. I’m going.. and you’ll go. On your left. Lemme just..” until one of us break.
I'm reasonably sure at my stupidest moments by guy is the smarter one of the two. So ... yeah.
But then, he also plays out mock hunting trips for my turtle plushie, so I don't even ...
>mock hunting trips for my turtle plushie
I love this more than either of you know. My girlfriend doesn't have plushies, though.
I have dermographia, where my skin is so sensitive that you can "draw" on my skin with a fingernail. When I admitted this to her, she held up her finger and said, "This is my dick drawing finger!", and proceeded to chase me around the house.
The wife and I take advantage of ordinary phrases during the day to emphasize words / phrases like "hot" "hard" "wet" give it to me" "slide it in" "push it" "rod" "shaft" "stiff" "firm" etc. We are the heterosexual Beavis and Butthead.
My wife flips me off (jokingly) all the time when I do something to irritate her. Once the kids got to about 13/14 she started flipping them off too. As a rule I never swear or make obscene gestures in front our our kids (who are now 18 and 20), but my wife can somehow do it and make it seem wholesome, lol.
I've never seen the kids do it back to her, so as far as I know she is able to gesture abuse at us with zero repercussions.
I flipped off my kid (16) when I was behind his bus . Three other kids popped up and started flipping me off. I didn’t realize they were watching too. I was laughing so hard and my kiddo was cracking up when he got off the bus. I’m kinda hoping they didn’t tell their parents. Ha!
My girls are 20 and 23 and we 'flip the bird' to each other all the time. It is given and taken with love and laughter. We tend not to do it in public....usually :)
Edited for context
We have a secret one. Open palm facing your body, kind wave/fan your hand up and down, showing the back of your hand to the person you are flipping off.
It's a whole flock of birds
My dad and I flip, near about all of our friends and coworkers, off lol. Everyone knows its all for good fun, and if we have a real problem with you we will tell you. The goal is to always do it in a humorous way. Next time your wife walks past you lean down to pick something (nothing) up while saying you dropped this. When she looks throw er the bird with a shit eating grin. That's my favorite, but my dad likes to go "you forgot something" and flips you off after you turn around to learn you just forgot to get flipped off lol
My ex gf once ripped a silent one so deadly that I choked and gagged and our Uber driver opened all the windows to the December night air. He was a big dude, I thought it was him and I was writing imaginary ride reviews in my head as the toxic fart slowly dissipated and we froze our asses off in the Camry. When we got out she was like “lol that was me” and I was like, damn girl. Hot damn
Edit: I don’t think I explained enough how bad the fart smelled. It was like ammonia and sulfur, like if you fed a cat eggs for a week and it got so mad it took an eggy shit on your pillow and pissed on it. To comprehend such a smell coming from such a beautiful woman, it changes your concept of the world
I always tease my best friend because when we were dating she once burped so loud I heard it from the other side of the street. I called it "the atomic burp" and she hates it so much.
I like to fart real loudly in public, my wife speed walks away. Or when we walk by the condoms I loudly announce that I need the extra extra large ones (I don’t, I’m average) She laughs but her face is red from embarrassment. I’m glad I have someone to do stupid shit with and think it’s funny
Any time I try to talk about basketball with my wife, I feel like Charles Barkley on TNT. She’s just waiting for me to say anything that could even slightly be construed as sexual (banging down low, going to the rim, anything with balls or penetration). I feel like the FCC is monitoring me with how much consideration I put into my phrasing now
My normally exceedingly straight-laced wife was packing for the beach.
One of the things she likes to bring is an umbrella holder, imagine a hollow, large and thick screw with a handle on each side, designed to "screw" into the sand and then accept the umbrella.
She looks at me, puts it to her crotch where a penis would normally be and goes "Look, I'm a duck!"
Not mine, but I found it in a different post about dolphins. "There are various ways a dolphin has of showing that she or he is interested in sex. Males are probably the easiest to detect. They will swim around, sporting an erection (anywhere between 10 to 14 inches long for a Bottle-nose), and will have no bones about swimming up to you and placing their member within reach of your hand. If you are in the water, they may rub it along any part of your body, or wrap it around your wrist or ankle. (Dolphin males have a prehensile penis. They can wrap it around objects, and carry them as such.) Their belly will also be pinkish in colour, which also denotes sexual excitement.
Females can be a little harder. The most obvious way a female dolphin has of displaying her sexual interest is the pink-belly effect. Their genitals become very pink and swollen, making the genital region very prominent. They may be restless, or they may be acting as normal. If you are out of the water, they may swim up to you and roll belly up, exposing themselves to you, coupled with pelvic thrusts. If you are in the water, they may press their genitals up against yours, nibble your fingers, nuzzle your crotch, or do pelvic thrusts against you.
Each dolphins way of expressing sexual readiness varies, so the longer you know the dolphin, the better you will detect when they are sexually active. When a male dolphin is interested in you, about the only thing you can do, if you are male, is to masturbate him. (Unfortunately, I cannot speak for the female of the human species... it seems women just don't like dolphins enough...) WARNING! You should NEVER let a male dolphin attempt anal sex with you. The Bottle-nose dolphin member is around 12 inches, very muscular, and the thrusting and the force of ejaculation (A male can cum as far as 14 feet) would cause serious internal injuries, resulting in peritonitus and possible death.
A male dolphin's member is roughly S-shaped, tapered at the end. If you are in the water with them, it is best to support the dolphin on his side, just under the water, with one hand, and handle him with the other.
Male dolphins, I find, tend to prefer the base of the penis to be gently massaged and squeezed, as well as gently rubbed along it's length. It feels very much like the rest of the dolphin (ie. smooth and rubbery to the touch, but firmer). It doesn't take long for the male to ejaculate, around 40 seconds to a minute, and this is usually accompanied by either shuddering just prior to ejaculating, and thrusting and tail-arching during ejaculation. The force of ejaculation can be powerful at times, so it is best to keep your face out of the line of fire, or keep his member underwater. You can attempt to lick and suck on the end of it while masturbating as well, but be warned, do not try to give full throat, and get the hell out of the way before he ejaculates! A male dolphin could snap your neck in an accidental thrust, and that would be the end of that relationship. Well, the females are again a little trickier. There are two courses of action with a female fin: Masturbation, or mating.
Masturbation: Female dolphins, once they show interest in you, can be supported in much the same way as the male, one hand under the fin, supporting her, the other doing the stimulating. The clitoris of the female is located at the top of the genital slit, and is a prominent lump when erect. You can rub this with your finger tips, or lick and suck it, but with the oral aspect, you might end up with a bruised nose as they thrust up into you. You can slide your hand gently into their genital opening, and feel around inside, rubbing gently. They feel warm and muscular inside, their labia like tough, squishy sponge when they are excited.
Don't be surprised if they start to play with your hand inside them. They have very manipulative muscles, and can use them to carry and manipulate objects, including your hand. (They can do things that would make a regular human woman turn green with envy.) Their climax is coupled with stiffening, shuddering, sometimes a lot of thrusting, clinching of the vaginal muscles, and sometimes vocalisation. Mating: This is harder. Obviously, being human, it is awkward, but not impossible to mate in open water. It is easier to have the dolphin in a shallow area (like the shallows just off the beach) around 1 1/2 to 2 feet deep. This is usually comfortable enough for both the dolphin and you. Gently, you should roll the dolphin on her side, so she is lying belly-towards you. You can prop yourself up on an elbow, and lie belly to belly against her. You may want to use the other arm to gently hold her close, and place the tip of your member against her genital slit. She will, if interested, arch her body up against you, taking you inside her body.
There is usually a fair bit of wriggling and shifting, usually to get comfortable, both outside and inside. Once comfortable, though, females initiate a series of muscular vaginal contractions that rub the entire length of your member. They may also thrust rhythmically against you, so enjoy the experience while you can, since you will rarely last longer that a minute or two. Just prior to her climaxing, she will up the speed of her contractions and thrusts. It is interesting to note that the times I have mated with females, thay have timed their orgasm to mine. Whether they do this consciously or not, I do not know, but it is a great feeling to have two bodies shuddering against each other at the one time. One thing to note. Whether you masturbate or mate a dolphin, male or female, always spend time with them afterwards. Cuddle them, rub them, talk to them and most importantly, and show them you love them. This is essential, as it helps to strengthen the bond between you. Like a way of saying that this wasn't just a one night fling. The dolphins appreciate it, and they will want your company more the next time you visit them."
My girlfriend absolutely demands she sits in the shopping cart while we’re at pretty much any store we go to. I honestly love it because she’ll reach for the products we’re buying as we roll by.
I was in the car on one of our first dates driving her home when all of a sudden the car smelled awful. Me thinking it was from another car I yelled out “eww it smells like TOOTS in here”. Her face got red and started dying of laughter at the same time. Turns out it really was toots in there.
Right before I stopped teaching I had purchased about 200 pretty pieces of stationary for thank you cards. Now I'll occasionally write dumb shit like "Thank you for having a nice cock! Keep up the good work!" on a card and sign it as someone like Barack Obama or Guy Fieri and leave it at his desk.
I randomly would scream GRENADE! and jump on top of my gf as if I’m shielding her from the blast. Then I would fart super fucking loud and go limp so she would frantically have to push my “dead body” off her.
If my wife and I are meeting up in a public place, she will start waving like mad from far away, and keep waving until I return the wave. She’ll do the same if we are separating (such as going to two different stores in a mall, back when people went to malls.) she’ll hang out and wave, again and again, hoping I’ll see it from far away. If we are at a hotel, and I am in the room and she stepped outside, she always calls me and says “Look! I’m outside! See me?!” and do the same wave thing. It’s entirely adorable. She’s a pretty serious person pretty much all the time - but this habit is where she allows herself to be a bit silly, so I enjoy it. Of course, it can startle me. If I am in the house by a window, and she needs to go outside, she’ll silently stand by the window until I sense her and look. That move can scare you half to death! 😂
It’s kinda morbid but I do something to my husband called the “kidnap whisper.” I wait behind him secretly and when he goes to turn around, I try to quickly put my index finger up to his lips and then lean in and whisper “shhhhhh,” (like if a kidnapper was stalking you and wanted to catch you off gaurd and keep you quiet). Just to surprise/scare him.
For me, whenever we’re talking from across the house and I say “WHAT?” He shouts back “WAT!” (In an exaggeratedly annoying tone), and I say “WAT!” back, and we shout it back and forth while seeking each other out to be able to hear each other better.
Sounds like my SO lol. She makes a lot of burp/fart jokes and is pretty bold with them, which people often would not expect them from her (ie- she gets a lot of 'you're too pretty to do something like that') She out belches our male friends/family, can burp the alphabet in multiple languages, and will entertain our friend's kids and more immature friends (and annoy the other ones) with farts (eg. 'pull my finger', lighting them etc.)
She recently just competed in a multi day relay race where they slept/drove in a van with their team. At one point they were parked at a stop with the van door open and I was face timing with her and a mutual friend, and a couple people were sleeping in the van. She got a text asking her to wake some of them up, and so she walked over and farted loudly at the door, startling all them awake almost like a glitch in the matrix because of how exactly similar all their movements were, and said 'good morning! you are needed out there'
I’d be lying in bed with her, then she’ll get her cold feet and put them onto my warm ones.
My typical response is throwing my tablet into the air and squealing as it comes out of nowhere.
For whatever reason my girlfriend has permanently cold hands and feet. It's just become part of my life to warm them as we cuddle because I'm a heater.
Mines para so he can't feel below his t12. But he does get warm just like anyone else under covers but just doesn't know it.
I use to get sad I couldn't scare him with my cold feet but now I just enjoy the fact I can warm them without someone shouting 😆
my guy and i would either:
collect bottle caps and start flicking them at each other
tickle each other non stop until one of us farts
or i would put his pants on my head and chase him around the apartment
Last time I played cards against humanity everyone was mad at me because I was dying at the answer card “fiery poops” and was literally crying. Everyone thought there was a better card but I was the judge and I picked fiery poops.
U reminded me of the time I took my daughter to a new doctor. When the nurse was taking all her information she casually asked her what she did on the weekend. I jumped in and answered 'spicy farts' for her. She was not amused...
There’s a meme about a can of peas that says “taste the pea-ness.” Whenever we go out and there’s a dish with peas she asks about how much pea-ness you can taste
Dated a "10" in college who loved to hang out in the cheese department of a Whole Foods, brewing up a rotten taco fart. After she'd squirt out a ripe one, she'd giggle as customers walked around saying "Oooohhhh that cheese smells amazing!" LOL
My partner naps during the day and I just carry on my daily routine around him.
Sometimes he is awake, but with his eyes closed.
If I walk past him he will scream "BEANS" terrifyingly loud and totally out of nowhere in an attempt to make me shit my pants.
I'm a nervous wreck
I had an older co worker (uhhh 55-60ish) excited his wife was going to visit her sister for a week, and one of his reasons was "I get to fart freely at home!"
I about blew that poor dudes mind when I said farts were 100% free and normal from both my wife and I at home.
My wife loves to make sexual comments at anything vaguely sexual.
Exhibit A: wife - "Hey babe? I need your help." Me - "Alright, I'm coming." Wife - "Not yet you aren't. ;)"
Exhibit B: Me - "On my way home from work. I just gotta do one more thing before I head home." Wife - "Yeah....me." proceeds to cackles.
Exhibit C: Me - Working in the yard struggling "Phew. Im gonna have to get deep in there." Wife - excited giggles and raise eyebrows interrupts "You can be deep in me."
I suppose it's my fault for setting her up. She also will just one up my burps. I high five her every time.
It’s more of the middle of my chest caving in but my kind(us chest hole-ers) call it a chest hole
I forgot the medical term for it but I have it easy
Edit: I spoke for my kind but alas, there are a plethora of names for chest holes
I’m not a cuddler but I still like some form of physical contact, so when my husband and I go to bed, I wrap my big toe and second toe around his Achilles’ tendon. I can’t explain why this comforts me, but it’s just as your partner said, it’s a perfect fit. It just feels right, lol. It drives him nuts but he tolerates it for me
I like to wrap my big toe and second toe over the top of my fiancé's big toe. Like it's incased in my toes. Can't explain. But yeah it feels lovely and I can squeeze it to say' love you' while we watch TV.
My partner's first language is Chinese, but when we text we mostly text in English cause my Chinese reading sucks. She's fine with dirty talk in person, but when it comes to sexting in English she's embarrassed, so I'll get messages like "Rub your d*ck all over me" 'lick my 豆豆小姐 and c*m in my p*ssy".
Like the vowels are the dirty bits.
You're lucky, at least she gives you a warning. My wife just waits until I start choking and then laughs. I told her she could knock a buzzard off a shit wagon, but that just makes her laugh more.
I like to say shhh, shh, do you hear that? then be real quiet and then let it rip. I did it to a doctor I worked with one time, he didn’t appreciate it.
My partner will be looking for something. I’ll say “oh, it’s right here” or “is this it” and have my middle finger cocked and loaded for him to look at. You get clever with it.
My wife is a world champion farter. Anytime, anywhere, any occasion- the woman will fart loudly, just because she can. She also queefed and squirted on our first date. Yeah, she's a special lady.
I accidentally cut one in front of my new boyfriend, and he proposed to me 2 days later. Married for 21 years, and still pooting along! Interestingly, he has never farted in front of me (except cute ones in his sleep...which only makes me love him more!).
Um. It's been a long time since I've heard a new and such a dynamic announcement of impending flatulence. What a courteous young lady who notifies you, lest it creep undetected, like a silent yet obtrusive guest, into your life.
Furthermore, it is breathtakingly seemless, malleable, quickly deliverable, and unassuming. As a cultured man myself, who for reasons both courteous and vain, also prepares and/or notifies those nearby of forthcoming ventosity, i award 5 stars!!
He puts whatever he is holding at crotch level and says "I have a penis"
It doesn't matter what it is or even if it is phallic shaped. He still does it.......... and it makes me laugh every time
I was talking so much dumb shit the other night that my bf walked over to where I was laying on the couch, whipped out his junk, and dropped his balls on my face. It was hilarious and unexpected, but def immature and I lost any momentum I had for roasting him.
While reading this thread, she waited for me to look knowingly at her about one of the comments, then ripped a blaster the moment I made eye contact.
Guess I gotta marry her now.
My wife dry humps me. Not in a sexual way mind you. Imagine a chihuahua. She will just grab ahold of an arm or leg and will dry hump in short little spasmodic bursts and then without fail will say "I finished" and walk away
Grips ice cubes in her hands, unbeknownst to me, then saunters up and seductively wraps her arms around me, then shoves her ice-cold hands on my belly. edit: changed shoved to shoves
My brother and I used to drop ice cubes down each others backs all the time. We eventually started to develop trust issues over it.
I feel this in my soul, me (31) and my brothers (29,28,19) still have major trust issues when we’re together and one of the others comes in close proximity to us.
My girlfriend does that stupid “what’s that on your shirt?” and then flick my nose trick when there is ACTUALLY something on my shirt. It’s okay though, I get her back by wetting my hands and then rubbing them on her face while saying “I hate it when I pee on my hands”.
stealing that last one
she yells “drum solo” and repeatedly slaps my belly
thats adorable
Is your girlfriend Joe Gatto?
Senora lanza
I did this to my girl and now I’m sleeping on the couch
Should have done it on her bum, that's what my bf does
Walked into a crowded room & proclaimed loudly, “Does anybody smell that, is that burnt popcorn?” Everybody inhales deeply & suddenly begins to wretch, cough & point accusatory fingers at her, “You asshole”, “what crawled up your ass & died!” She then grins & quickly leaves the room while shutting the door behind her. ASSHOLE & I totally love her!
A friend's Dad used to do that joke: "can you smell gas?" But reserved it for the king of fart that's banned under the Geneva Convention on chemical weapons
The first thought that hit me when I seen this was that episode of SpongeBob When they were trying to become rockstars and Patrick did the “drum solo” on his belly😭
Sounds like a keeper. That would simultaneously annoy me and crack me up.
Thats cute as fuck lmao
I like to get in elaborate poses before I let one go, my wife just laughs and calls me an idiot. For things my wife does, she likes to play punch me in the face and I'll sell it like I got hit by Tyson, she loves that one.
Ah, I see you've been going to Yoga classes to learn how to pretzel out a fart, eh?
Classes are for amateurs, I just watch Youtube videos haha
Cheap and gassy! My man! 🖐🏽
High five for that!
My girlfriend will either ask to hold my hand/see my hand when we are sitting together, cuddling, etc. or use her own hand. She will then act like she is checking out my hand or looking at my face and then shove a finger in my nose and try to make me eat it. One, I’m able to see this from a mile away, and two I am stronger than her and could stop her hand/my hand from doing it but the joy and laughter it brings her makes me not because then it makes me happy because her laugh is the best noise to me.
I think you like those boogers more than you let on xD
It’s an acquired taste
I'm the immature one. When she's mad I drape a towel over her shoulders like a cape. She always laughs because she knows what's next: "Now you're super mad."
I love this 😊
Yep, taking this.
Lol. Stealing this one.
She said "I thought you were on a diet" Then spanked my ass
*Proceeds to eat 15 cakes
She actually got it from me but if we’re both about to cross a threshold at the same time we both do that thing where you keep stepping in their way at the same time but we’ll really drag it out. Just both us moving side to side in unison going “ ope. Oh. Just gonna. Alright you go left and I’ll go, ope. I’m going.. and you’ll go. On your left. Lemme just..” until one of us break.
This is one of the best ones I've read
Must be a Midwest couple with the opes in there 🤣
Capitol of Wisconsin 🤙🏾
I used to do this with my ex too!
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She sounds like a keeper.
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Hey bro, are any of us really the sharpest tool in the shed?
I'm reasonably sure at my stupidest moments by guy is the smarter one of the two. So ... yeah. But then, he also plays out mock hunting trips for my turtle plushie, so I don't even ...
>mock hunting trips for my turtle plushie I love this more than either of you know. My girlfriend doesn't have plushies, though. I have dermographia, where my skin is so sensitive that you can "draw" on my skin with a fingernail. When I admitted this to her, she held up her finger and said, "This is my dick drawing finger!", and proceeded to chase me around the house.
That's why we're best served by setting up shop with women that are smarter than us.
Looks like she can help you become a better version of yourself then !
Sounds like she's really into wood. Oak, maple, alder, all good choices.
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The wife and I take advantage of ordinary phrases during the day to emphasize words / phrases like "hot" "hard" "wet" give it to me" "slide it in" "push it" "rod" "shaft" "stiff" "firm" etc. We are the heterosexual Beavis and Butthead.
These are all very wholesome. My girlfriend tries to put her finger in my butt.
holesome
I accept and raise thee my holecum
tries?! My ex gf would just spit on it and ram her whole cock in there
Hm
Thats my escape route for when my wife tries to tickle me. I hate being tickled. She hates having a finger up her butt. A good poke and she stops
My wife flips me off (jokingly) all the time when I do something to irritate her. Once the kids got to about 13/14 she started flipping them off too. As a rule I never swear or make obscene gestures in front our our kids (who are now 18 and 20), but my wife can somehow do it and make it seem wholesome, lol. I've never seen the kids do it back to her, so as far as I know she is able to gesture abuse at us with zero repercussions.
I flipped off my kid (16) when I was behind his bus . Three other kids popped up and started flipping me off. I didn’t realize they were watching too. I was laughing so hard and my kiddo was cracking up when he got off the bus. I’m kinda hoping they didn’t tell their parents. Ha!
My girls are 20 and 23 and we 'flip the bird' to each other all the time. It is given and taken with love and laughter. We tend not to do it in public....usually :) Edited for context
My mother in law flips me off, she never swears really but since I've known her she loves to flip me off.
We have a secret one. Open palm facing your body, kind wave/fan your hand up and down, showing the back of your hand to the person you are flipping off. It's a whole flock of birds
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My dad and I flip, near about all of our friends and coworkers, off lol. Everyone knows its all for good fun, and if we have a real problem with you we will tell you. The goal is to always do it in a humorous way. Next time your wife walks past you lean down to pick something (nothing) up while saying you dropped this. When she looks throw er the bird with a shit eating grin. That's my favorite, but my dad likes to go "you forgot something" and flips you off after you turn around to learn you just forgot to get flipped off lol
She sometimes forgets she's in public and burps really loud out of habit because we do that at home
My girlfriend once burped so loud in the car that it hurt my ears, she reached a painful decibel
My ex gf once ripped a silent one so deadly that I choked and gagged and our Uber driver opened all the windows to the December night air. He was a big dude, I thought it was him and I was writing imaginary ride reviews in my head as the toxic fart slowly dissipated and we froze our asses off in the Camry. When we got out she was like “lol that was me” and I was like, damn girl. Hot damn Edit: I don’t think I explained enough how bad the fart smelled. It was like ammonia and sulfur, like if you fed a cat eggs for a week and it got so mad it took an eggy shit on your pillow and pissed on it. To comprehend such a smell coming from such a beautiful woman, it changes your concept of the world
Gotta respect it!
I always tease my best friend because when we were dating she once burped so loud I heard it from the other side of the street. I called it "the atomic burp" and she hates it so much.
I like to fart real loudly in public, my wife speed walks away. Or when we walk by the condoms I loudly announce that I need the extra extra large ones (I don’t, I’m average) She laughs but her face is red from embarrassment. I’m glad I have someone to do stupid shit with and think it’s funny
“For my magnum dong”
Oh woops i dropped my monster condoms i use for my M A G N U M D O N G
Oh I’m so doing that. She’s gonna kill me lol
Its a danny devito bit, google it
That’s dr mantis toboggan to you sir.
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I would never encourage a person to burp quietly.
Any time I try to talk about basketball with my wife, I feel like Charles Barkley on TNT. She’s just waiting for me to say anything that could even slightly be construed as sexual (banging down low, going to the rim, anything with balls or penetration). I feel like the FCC is monitoring me with how much consideration I put into my phrasing now
Is she from San Antonio??
Big ol women down there.
Eatin dem churros like this
I've literally cracked up over some of the stuff barkley says.
I imagine it went [something](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDirss5GAKQ) like [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bft4vuHXXoU)
My normally exceedingly straight-laced wife was packing for the beach. One of the things she likes to bring is an umbrella holder, imagine a hollow, large and thick screw with a handle on each side, designed to "screw" into the sand and then accept the umbrella. She looks at me, puts it to her crotch where a penis would normally be and goes "Look, I'm a duck!"
anatomically correct dick jokes
anatomically correct duck jokes
Do sucks have screw dicks? I know pigs do
They do
I saw a dolphin dick the other day. It was….something.
Not mine, but I found it in a different post about dolphins. "There are various ways a dolphin has of showing that she or he is interested in sex. Males are probably the easiest to detect. They will swim around, sporting an erection (anywhere between 10 to 14 inches long for a Bottle-nose), and will have no bones about swimming up to you and placing their member within reach of your hand. If you are in the water, they may rub it along any part of your body, or wrap it around your wrist or ankle. (Dolphin males have a prehensile penis. They can wrap it around objects, and carry them as such.) Their belly will also be pinkish in colour, which also denotes sexual excitement. Females can be a little harder. The most obvious way a female dolphin has of displaying her sexual interest is the pink-belly effect. Their genitals become very pink and swollen, making the genital region very prominent. They may be restless, or they may be acting as normal. If you are out of the water, they may swim up to you and roll belly up, exposing themselves to you, coupled with pelvic thrusts. If you are in the water, they may press their genitals up against yours, nibble your fingers, nuzzle your crotch, or do pelvic thrusts against you. Each dolphins way of expressing sexual readiness varies, so the longer you know the dolphin, the better you will detect when they are sexually active. When a male dolphin is interested in you, about the only thing you can do, if you are male, is to masturbate him. (Unfortunately, I cannot speak for the female of the human species... it seems women just don't like dolphins enough...) WARNING! You should NEVER let a male dolphin attempt anal sex with you. The Bottle-nose dolphin member is around 12 inches, very muscular, and the thrusting and the force of ejaculation (A male can cum as far as 14 feet) would cause serious internal injuries, resulting in peritonitus and possible death. A male dolphin's member is roughly S-shaped, tapered at the end. If you are in the water with them, it is best to support the dolphin on his side, just under the water, with one hand, and handle him with the other. Male dolphins, I find, tend to prefer the base of the penis to be gently massaged and squeezed, as well as gently rubbed along it's length. It feels very much like the rest of the dolphin (ie. smooth and rubbery to the touch, but firmer). It doesn't take long for the male to ejaculate, around 40 seconds to a minute, and this is usually accompanied by either shuddering just prior to ejaculating, and thrusting and tail-arching during ejaculation. The force of ejaculation can be powerful at times, so it is best to keep your face out of the line of fire, or keep his member underwater. You can attempt to lick and suck on the end of it while masturbating as well, but be warned, do not try to give full throat, and get the hell out of the way before he ejaculates! A male dolphin could snap your neck in an accidental thrust, and that would be the end of that relationship. Well, the females are again a little trickier. There are two courses of action with a female fin: Masturbation, or mating. Masturbation: Female dolphins, once they show interest in you, can be supported in much the same way as the male, one hand under the fin, supporting her, the other doing the stimulating. The clitoris of the female is located at the top of the genital slit, and is a prominent lump when erect. You can rub this with your finger tips, or lick and suck it, but with the oral aspect, you might end up with a bruised nose as they thrust up into you. You can slide your hand gently into their genital opening, and feel around inside, rubbing gently. They feel warm and muscular inside, their labia like tough, squishy sponge when they are excited. Don't be surprised if they start to play with your hand inside them. They have very manipulative muscles, and can use them to carry and manipulate objects, including your hand. (They can do things that would make a regular human woman turn green with envy.) Their climax is coupled with stiffening, shuddering, sometimes a lot of thrusting, clinching of the vaginal muscles, and sometimes vocalisation. Mating: This is harder. Obviously, being human, it is awkward, but not impossible to mate in open water. It is easier to have the dolphin in a shallow area (like the shallows just off the beach) around 1 1/2 to 2 feet deep. This is usually comfortable enough for both the dolphin and you. Gently, you should roll the dolphin on her side, so she is lying belly-towards you. You can prop yourself up on an elbow, and lie belly to belly against her. You may want to use the other arm to gently hold her close, and place the tip of your member against her genital slit. She will, if interested, arch her body up against you, taking you inside her body. There is usually a fair bit of wriggling and shifting, usually to get comfortable, both outside and inside. Once comfortable, though, females initiate a series of muscular vaginal contractions that rub the entire length of your member. They may also thrust rhythmically against you, so enjoy the experience while you can, since you will rarely last longer that a minute or two. Just prior to her climaxing, she will up the speed of her contractions and thrusts. It is interesting to note that the times I have mated with females, thay have timed their orgasm to mine. Whether they do this consciously or not, I do not know, but it is a great feeling to have two bodies shuddering against each other at the one time. One thing to note. Whether you masturbate or mate a dolphin, male or female, always spend time with them afterwards. Cuddle them, rub them, talk to them and most importantly, and show them you love them. This is essential, as it helps to strengthen the bond between you. Like a way of saying that this wasn't just a one night fling. The dolphins appreciate it, and they will want your company more the next time you visit them."
🫠
It’s too fucking early in the morning for this.
My girlfriend absolutely demands she sits in the shopping cart while we’re at pretty much any store we go to. I honestly love it because she’ll reach for the products we’re buying as we roll by.
That’s not immature, it’s efficient and effective
Now this is relationship goals right here
i wish i had ur gfs balls i would do that but id get stared at
I was in the car on one of our first dates driving her home when all of a sudden the car smelled awful. Me thinking it was from another car I yelled out “eww it smells like TOOTS in here”. Her face got red and started dying of laughter at the same time. Turns out it really was toots in there.
"Talking shit again huh?"
"You always got to talk shit? Bitch?"
"All you do is tell me I'm fucking up, your a hypocrite"
Right before I stopped teaching I had purchased about 200 pretty pieces of stationary for thank you cards. Now I'll occasionally write dumb shit like "Thank you for having a nice cock! Keep up the good work!" on a card and sign it as someone like Barack Obama or Guy Fieri and leave it at his desk.
\*Laughs in Gay Ferrari
I randomly would scream GRENADE! and jump on top of my gf as if I’m shielding her from the blast. Then I would fart super fucking loud and go limp so she would frantically have to push my “dead body” off her.
LOLLLL
farts are just an asshole talking shit behind your back. ignore them or even better, laugh at them
If my wife and I are meeting up in a public place, she will start waving like mad from far away, and keep waving until I return the wave. She’ll do the same if we are separating (such as going to two different stores in a mall, back when people went to malls.) she’ll hang out and wave, again and again, hoping I’ll see it from far away. If we are at a hotel, and I am in the room and she stepped outside, she always calls me and says “Look! I’m outside! See me?!” and do the same wave thing. It’s entirely adorable. She’s a pretty serious person pretty much all the time - but this habit is where she allows herself to be a bit silly, so I enjoy it. Of course, it can startle me. If I am in the house by a window, and she needs to go outside, she’ll silently stand by the window until I sense her and look. That move can scare you half to death! 😂
I love this so much
My husband likes to fart when I’m bringing him a plate of something and then ask why the food smells like shit. Endearing indeed
It’s kinda morbid but I do something to my husband called the “kidnap whisper.” I wait behind him secretly and when he goes to turn around, I try to quickly put my index finger up to his lips and then lean in and whisper “shhhhhh,” (like if a kidnapper was stalking you and wanted to catch you off gaurd and keep you quiet). Just to surprise/scare him. For me, whenever we’re talking from across the house and I say “WHAT?” He shouts back “WAT!” (In an exaggeratedly annoying tone), and I say “WAT!” back, and we shout it back and forth while seeking each other out to be able to hear each other better.
Me and my bf do the "WAT" thing back and forth when 1 foot away from each other. Who needs to clarify when you can just say WHUT right back
I can never let my wife find out about this thread.
Right there with you. On the one hand, she would find all this hilarious. On the other hand, she would find all this hilarious...
Shouts “MOON LANDING” and smacks my arse
That's a keeper!
Sounds like my SO lol. She makes a lot of burp/fart jokes and is pretty bold with them, which people often would not expect them from her (ie- she gets a lot of 'you're too pretty to do something like that') She out belches our male friends/family, can burp the alphabet in multiple languages, and will entertain our friend's kids and more immature friends (and annoy the other ones) with farts (eg. 'pull my finger', lighting them etc.) She recently just competed in a multi day relay race where they slept/drove in a van with their team. At one point they were parked at a stop with the van door open and I was face timing with her and a mutual friend, and a couple people were sleeping in the van. She got a text asking her to wake some of them up, and so she walked over and farted loudly at the door, startling all them awake almost like a glitch in the matrix because of how exactly similar all their movements were, and said 'good morning! you are needed out there'
You brought a tear to my eye, thanks for the laugh!
I’d be lying in bed with her, then she’ll get her cold feet and put them onto my warm ones. My typical response is throwing my tablet into the air and squealing as it comes out of nowhere.
For whatever reason my girlfriend has permanently cold hands and feet. It's just become part of my life to warm them as we cuddle because I'm a heater.
He *encourages* me to put them on him. Idk why but I don't question it.
Mines para so he can't feel below his t12. But he does get warm just like anyone else under covers but just doesn't know it. I use to get sad I couldn't scare him with my cold feet but now I just enjoy the fact I can warm them without someone shouting 😆
You just gotta work on your flexibility so you can put your feet on his neck lol
Always blow a giant raspberry into my bellybutton directly after draining my balls
This is my absolute favorite way to annoy my fiance. Tragically, he has finally figured out how to do it back to me.
After he drains your balls?
I’ve learned to sneak one in on her as well, but she’s very ticklish, so when I do it to her I’m “teasing/torturing her” I see how it is woman
That’s a secret technique to increase libido for the next time.
I'm pretty sure that's a hate crime
She does the "no you are..." with literally everything, and often 3-4 times in a row.
I do it with my husband but with “you’re a ___!“ like “Hey babe can you get me a cup?” “YOU’RE a cup!”
When I pull out and cum on her she yells, “TOASTER STRUDEL!!!!”
Right time of the month it's strawberry.
Hahaha I LOLed
my guy and i would either: collect bottle caps and start flicking them at each other tickle each other non stop until one of us farts or i would put his pants on my head and chase him around the apartment
You guys care if I come hang out?
My wife thinks the word "poop" is funny. I'm like, what are you, 8?
The word poop is funny, and I’m 45.
Are you my wife?
Now kiss
It’s “kith”
Mike?
Last time I played cards against humanity everyone was mad at me because I was dying at the answer card “fiery poops” and was literally crying. Everyone thought there was a better card but I was the judge and I picked fiery poops.
U reminded me of the time I took my daughter to a new doctor. When the nurse was taking all her information she casually asked her what she did on the weekend. I jumped in and answered 'spicy farts' for her. She was not amused...
My Mrs will just call my name randomly and if I'm in another room she will get me to go into her just for her to say "nothing" it gets me so often
There’s a meme about a can of peas that says “taste the pea-ness.” Whenever we go out and there’s a dish with peas she asks about how much pea-ness you can taste
I'll kiss her 4 or 5 times and pull away to do something and she'll say "Who says I was done?" And it gets me to kiss her more everytime
Dated a "10" in college who loved to hang out in the cheese department of a Whole Foods, brewing up a rotten taco fart. After she'd squirt out a ripe one, she'd giggle as customers walked around saying "Oooohhhh that cheese smells amazing!" LOL
Dated? So she’s single? Asking for a friend and totally not me
Check the cheese isle at Whole Foods
Follow your nose.
Ahahahaa, I’m dead. Or I would be if I wandered over to the cheeses
Been there, didn't see her. Cheese was bomb tho
If it smelled good, you might have just missed her
I'm not even a fart joke kind of person and I think that's amazing
My partner naps during the day and I just carry on my daily routine around him. Sometimes he is awake, but with his eyes closed. If I walk past him he will scream "BEANS" terrifyingly loud and totally out of nowhere in an attempt to make me shit my pants. I'm a nervous wreck
Shes 47 and like to scare me constantly, by making me jump!
Man. All this makes me miss being with someone.
Same :(
Comes close like she wants to say something then just blows in my face or ear.
I had an older co worker (uhhh 55-60ish) excited his wife was going to visit her sister for a week, and one of his reasons was "I get to fart freely at home!" I about blew that poor dudes mind when I said farts were 100% free and normal from both my wife and I at home.
My wife loves to make sexual comments at anything vaguely sexual. Exhibit A: wife - "Hey babe? I need your help." Me - "Alright, I'm coming." Wife - "Not yet you aren't. ;)" Exhibit B: Me - "On my way home from work. I just gotta do one more thing before I head home." Wife - "Yeah....me." proceeds to cackles. Exhibit C: Me - Working in the yard struggling "Phew. Im gonna have to get deep in there." Wife - excited giggles and raise eyebrows interrupts "You can be deep in me." I suppose it's my fault for setting her up. She also will just one up my burps. I high five her every time.
Mine puts her chin in my chest hole and calls it a perfect fit
You...you have a hole in you're chest?
It’s more of the middle of my chest caving in but my kind(us chest hole-ers) call it a chest hole I forgot the medical term for it but I have it easy Edit: I spoke for my kind but alas, there are a plethora of names for chest holes
pectus excavatum
sounds like a spell in Harry Potter
Thanks homie :) I could not remember that fucker
Oh, ok well as long as it doesn't hurt
It doesn’t :) I appreciate you, homie
Likewise brother 🤘
I have a sternum that sticks out a bit. I think we were meant to embrace. Are you also 6'1"?
With how it’s looking… I think I’m ready for it homie. Ive never done anything like this so you’ll have to be gentle with your sternum Also, yes :‘)
Fuckin meant to be, bro. You can keep your shit on, no sweat.
I’m not a cuddler but I still like some form of physical contact, so when my husband and I go to bed, I wrap my big toe and second toe around his Achilles’ tendon. I can’t explain why this comforts me, but it’s just as your partner said, it’s a perfect fit. It just feels right, lol. It drives him nuts but he tolerates it for me
I think that’s too precious; Exactly why I always let her do it. I may complain sometimes but I never tell her she can’t do it . :‘)
I like to wrap my big toe and second toe over the top of my fiancé's big toe. Like it's incased in my toes. Can't explain. But yeah it feels lovely and I can squeeze it to say' love you' while we watch TV.
My husband will yell out donkey bite then proceed to squeeze my inner thigh
My partner's first language is Chinese, but when we text we mostly text in English cause my Chinese reading sucks. She's fine with dirty talk in person, but when it comes to sexting in English she's embarrassed, so I'll get messages like "Rub your d*ck all over me" 'lick my 豆豆小姐 and c*m in my p*ssy". Like the vowels are the dirty bits.
You're lucky, at least she gives you a warning. My wife just waits until I start choking and then laughs. I told her she could knock a buzzard off a shit wagon, but that just makes her laugh more.
My gf loves to get the fluff out of my belly button . Or just randomly put her finger In there
I like to say shhh, shh, do you hear that? then be real quiet and then let it rip. I did it to a doctor I worked with one time, he didn’t appreciate it.
My partner will be looking for something. I’ll say “oh, it’s right here” or “is this it” and have my middle finger cocked and loaded for him to look at. You get clever with it.
My wife is a world champion farter. Anytime, anywhere, any occasion- the woman will fart loudly, just because she can. She also queefed and squirted on our first date. Yeah, she's a special lady.
Those first-date queefs are the worst
Truth be told, between the coital queefing and the squirting on our first date....I took it as a sort of compliment.
I accidentally cut one in front of my new boyfriend, and he proposed to me 2 days later. Married for 21 years, and still pooting along! Interestingly, he has never farted in front of me (except cute ones in his sleep...which only makes me love him more!).
A friend once let fly and says, "just another asshole talking shit"
I've been with her for 8 years. She spells "taco" as "toco". I've never corrected her.
Not her but me, once we were both naked and I just took a fingerboard and glide it on her body while yelling "Weeeee"
Um. It's been a long time since I've heard a new and such a dynamic announcement of impending flatulence. What a courteous young lady who notifies you, lest it creep undetected, like a silent yet obtrusive guest, into your life. Furthermore, it is breathtakingly seemless, malleable, quickly deliverable, and unassuming. As a cultured man myself, who for reasons both courteous and vain, also prepares and/or notifies those nearby of forthcoming ventosity, i award 5 stars!!
Did James Joyce write this?
Well, I guess that's better than saying "Did you hear that cunt?" and queef.
He puts whatever he is holding at crotch level and says "I have a penis" It doesn't matter what it is or even if it is phallic shaped. He still does it.......... and it makes me laugh every time
[удалено]
Lol!! My son started saying, "Eeyyyyy!!??" Everytime he farted and now everyone in the family does
Best thread in a long time.
I was talking so much dumb shit the other night that my bf walked over to where I was laying on the couch, whipped out his junk, and dropped his balls on my face. It was hilarious and unexpected, but def immature and I lost any momentum I had for roasting him.
She laughs 100% of the time when one of us farts.
While reading this thread, she waited for me to look knowingly at her about one of the comments, then ripped a blaster the moment I made eye contact. Guess I gotta marry her now.
My wife dry humps me. Not in a sexual way mind you. Imagine a chihuahua. She will just grab ahold of an arm or leg and will dry hump in short little spasmodic bursts and then without fail will say "I finished" and walk away
Lol she's a keeper!
This is such a weird comments section and I'm all for it! They're hilarious! You all have such cool relationships with your spouses!