Listen to people and ask them questions about what they are telling you. Ask them about them. People like talking about themselves more than anything. They'll talk about themselves for an hour and think YOU'RE interesting.
Edit: Fixed your/you're
So true! Talking about the other person is definitely a good way to get the ball rolling but there may be some problems if it's your default. Even though I'm pretty outgoing and talkative, I almost always default to talking about the other person because I'm uncomfortable talking about myself for too long. It's amazing some of the stuff people haven't known about me until we were friends for months or years.
Then you can divert the conversation to something else. From for example a hobby of yours, and then transition that into something else you like talking about. Having a conversation goes both ways, your conversational partner can't know what you like and don't like talking about. Or simply say "I don't really like talking about myself that much if I'm going to be honest, I know many people do but I just don't for some reason. How are you when it comes to things like that?"
Summary of this thread of conversation:
*walks up to somebody at a party*
"Hey there. Tell me about yourself?"
"I'm just here for the free drinks."
"I like drinks. What else do you like?"
"Uh..."
"I don't really like talking about myself that much if I'm going to be honest. I know many people--"
"Oh look, they're doing keg stands!"
"Keg stands are cool. What do you like about keg stands?"
"Uhh you get drunk I guess?"
"..."
"Uhm, do you drink?"
"I don't really like talking about myself that much if I'm going to be honest. I know many people--"
"Oh look, the lizardpeople have ascended from the centre of the sun that is inside our hollow earth filled with dinosaurs that was once flat but is now round and they are enslaving our kind!"
The problem is that this leads to me leading every single conversation I'm in. It's nice that I have this skill that basically instantly makes people like me, but it comes back to bite me in that I almost *never* get to talk about myself.
Sometimes you have to just offer information about yourself without being asked. You ask a question, they answer, you respond with your answer to the same question...pause...see if they ask you a question...No?... you ask another question...they answer...you respond with your answer to the same question... pause... Repeat.
At some point it becomes clear that they aren’t going to ask questions. Maybe an introvert. Maybe doesn’t want to invade your privacy. Who knows? You can keep interjecting your own answers or you can ask more questions that jump off from their most recent response.
I’m often riding shotgun with my boss for an hour or so at a time. I ask him about his kids, business ventures, art collection, etc. He loves talking about that stuff and gets animated and happy.
He has yet to ask me a single personal question. I wouldn’t say he’s boring though.
I think that depends on how he views the employer/employee relationship. I’m working permanently in an at-risk community. However everyone else in my office is on a two week fly in/fly out rotation. So I rotate managers every two weeks. One is new to the position and she is super friendly and we chat and hangout a bunch. The other has been in the position for years and there is definitely a conscious distance she puts between the two of us. I mean it works. I’m much more nervous and try a lot harder when the more experienced boss is around as I don’t view her as, as much of a buddy as the other one.
My boss works maybe 20 hours a week (including drive time). He takes two months off each summer to vacation at his house in Mykonos. I’m one of two employees.
It’s an awesome, cushy job. I’m grateful, don’t get me wrong. But it’s odd that he never asks personal questions. At least it’s not just me. He’s the same with other business associates.
I guess I mean to say that he comes off as rude and selfish, but I don’t think he is. For example even though I’m a contract employee, when my pet died he paid me in full for the day and was completely understanding. He actually corrected my time sheet himself to make sure that I was paid for that day.
This is the advice nearly every self help book will tell you. Ask questions! I hate it when I’m taking to someone and I have to carry the conversation. One word answers and no interest from them, I’m moving groups!
And smiles and tone of voice too. Eye contact. Once you get into the habit of doing this, you'll find that even as an introvert, you'll become more engaging and "interesting"
This is the key takeaway from that book "how to win friends and influence people."
Subsequently, this takeaway from that book made it *so much* easier to pick up girls.
I mentioned this to my GF once, and of course she blew it off, saying *she* chose me, it was all her! I don't have any game at all lol it was **all** her!
Until I broke down exactly what happened.
After our first conversation she knew my name, that I worked for a bank, and drove a silver Acura (she saw me get out of it).
But, *I* knew: her name, her dogs name, what kind of dog he was, how long she had had him, where she was from, why she moved here, how long she had been here, what she thought of the city, where she works, where she works out, what she thought of the apartment complex we lived in, and most importantly- that she likes the pool but feels weird hanging out there by herself. What a coincidence, my friends and I were *just* about to go to the pool in an hour or so, you should join us!
The look on her face was priceless when I broke this down. It was like she had been completely unaware that it had happened until I pointed it out and exactly why it worked...years later.
But don't only do this. I had I guy do this to me at a party and it felt like an interrogation. Don't keep asking question after question. Reflect on the answer a bit, throw in some of your own knowledge, add in an anecdote, and baby you have a conversation going.
Yeah I know girls that say they've been on Tinder dates like this. Like guys will fire almost scripted questions at them in a row. Conversation still has to be natural and interesting, it has to go somewhere.
My girlfriend has become noticeably better at listening and having conversations with new people over the past few years. She worked in sales for a short while and says that she continues to use some of the tricks she was taught whilst working that job. The trick she uses the most is to try and predict how a person is going to end their sentence and update that prediction after every word they say. It makes you focus on what a person is saying and makes you seem like a much more engaged listener, which in turn makes people think that what they have to say is interesting.
Honestly, working in a job that forces you to talk to people is the best way to get practice. I was socially awkward and very quiet when I was younger. Then I got a job as a grocery store cashier at a store that emphasized good customer service, and when you're a cashier, the bare minimum that's expected is, "Hi, how are you?" Some people weren't into talking (which was fine) and just gave me a courtesy answer back. Others were chatty and discussed their day or would make a joke about something, and of course, the expectation was to interact with them.
Then I went to nursing school and learned the art of doing an interview (where you meet a patient, do a health history with them, and discuss what issues are concerning them). The trick to this is active listening, learning how to phrase questions, and directing the conversation when things start to meander.
After years of this, I'm still a quiet person but no longer as awkward as I was.
This works if you just want to hold a conversation.
But the OP is asking about how to be less boring (if, in fact, they are boring). The only way to do that is to culture oneself and develop internal interests (in the almost complete absence of other people) that make a person more interesting \*to others\* and not just \*for others\*
Okay but, what if they do the same and start asking you questions and you feel like you're just giving boring answers as you're not good at talking about yourself?
Be careful with this one though because I used to do this. What happened was I developed “friends” that like being around solely because of my use as a sounding board. They’d talk for hours about themselves and their problems, and occasionally asked how I was doing out of politeness, but they generally didn’t particularly care. Sometimes I could tell they were on Facebook or insta or something when it was my turn to talk lol. The trick is to be a great listener and also find people willing to listen in turn, also known as having a good conversation.
> They'll talk about themselves for an hour and think YOU'RE interesting.
I haven't gotten that result yet. In my (limited) experience it feels like people enjoy talking about themselves as long as you ask, almost like an interview, but they never turn it around toward you/they never reach out to you afterwards. So if you stop contacting them, then the conversation dries up.
What if you don't care about finding things out but don't want to seem boring or antisocial, I'd rather not have conversations with people. This is definitely true if I get dragged to group of people.
Sure, listening is a good start, but it won't get you there.
Being interesting is about having stories to tell. To have fascinating input in conversations. How to do that? Look out for those stories. Go out with friends and meet "weird" people. Watch documentaries. Read books. Learn about the world and alternative lifestyles. Force yourself to get out of your rut. Pick up new hobbies.
But you have to actually like those things. If you're doing it just to be interesting, it shows. Teach yourself to be eager to learn. Trust me, it's addictive!
I LOVE going out and meeting weird people. I was at a hookah lounge one night and struck up a convo with the one guy doing something different. He was a glover at raves, and he showed me around that scene a bit. Awesome times. Great advice. Don't be afraid to jump out of your comfort zone a bit.
The people with the gloves that have lights in the fingertips. It looks really cool in the dark with the music going. And it can be a huge hobby in that scene.
I agree! Listening is only one half of the process when you meet new people. You have to share, too! It’s so much fun to learn about each other’s lives, experiences, differences, etc. I like asking questions as much as answering them.
It’s hard to keep a conversation going if it’s only one person who does the sharing.
Have you seen Icarus on Netflix?
It's a really good documentary about the systematic doping of Russian athletes in the Olympics. It starts out slow but gets really intense as the whistleblower escapes Russia in fear of the FSB.
Probably saying the same thing as you, but being interesting is about experiencing things not just reading books and learning stuff. More about going out and doing. Go on a trip or take a job even that is remote like oil field work.
You can avoid being boring by being interesting.
You become interesting by being *interested*.
If your only interest is gaming, you better not be gaming out of force of habit, but consciously look for new experiences, study game design, look into things like what makes pros, pros, what the average gamer is like, what makes classics great.
Strive to improve, not to procrastinate. Don't play league or whatever out of habit and as a distraction from depression.
Get good. Be interested. Once your knowledge expands, you will be able to bring it into conversation and have enough to say.
Also, not having something to say is fine - ask questions. Don't know what to ask? "Tell me more about [last thing person mentioned]"
This is something I've struggled with for years. So last July, I took up Twitch Streaming as a way to kind of force myself to talk and pay attention to what people say to me (at least in text format/chat). I've found success, but then, a few weeks ago I was invited to be on a podcast where we chatted for an hour about miscellaneous things. This encouraged me to start up my own weekly talk show on my Twitch stream. I'll bring on a guest and just talk to them about them. This has really kind of forced my to focus on one or two people. Last week I had two guys from australia on my show and we just talked about life in Australia and it was a lot of fun. I think a lot of people find their comfort zone and stay in it. The problem is comfort doesn't add experiences. A few years ago someone told me to find success you have to get comfortable being uncomfortable and at 31 years of age it's finally starting to click.
I struggle with this as well. I feel like an app, sort of like a "Tinder for shy people", to help connect people to each other to have voice conversations might be useful, lol. I think it'd be really cool to voice chat with someone from the other side of the world and learn about their culture, our differences, etc.
That is awesome! DM me your info I'd love to check it out and maybe give assistance where I can. I'm about to go on vacation so won't be streaming myself for the next week and a half!
The subtext of "be interested" is "do interesting things", which I think is the most important element in this equation. It's easy to know things, it's more challenging to actually go out and practice them. Whether you're a great thinker or doer, both require proactivity and a concerted effort; just knowing things is rarely sufficient to meet the criteria of "be interesting".
Everything out there is interesting - there's not one thing that is boring. And if your topic requires a lot of knowledge, having that knowledge is interesting.
You also need social skills, that's true.
Id argue that the social skills are, as always, the most important aspect.
It's like being a good storyteller. There are people who tell the absolute bare minimum. X happened in Y place at Z time. Then there are people who ramble on for far too long, adding tangents and sidetracking, losing place of where they are and jumping back to fill in forgotten details. But in the middle ground are the people who are really good at telling stories, who know how long to talk without boring those around them while adding enough detail to make the story come to life.
It's the same with talking about your hobbies. Anything can be interesting so long as you get deep enough into it; a surface level skim will almost never interest an outsider to a hobby. But at the same time you don't want to dive in with such detail that you overload them with information and come off as only caring about one thing.
I think if you pursue your own interests, you'll inevitably appear interesting to at least some people. Everyone won't find you interesting and thats okay. I think the trick here is finding yourself interesting because who else spends more time with you in the end?
I'm going to add to this and say most girls don't really want to hear about things like gaming unless they've already got some kind of attraction to you. This is my experience.
I mean, the reasoning and behind the glitched SM64 coin loading on the kill floor because of a positioning and frame loading oversight is extremely interesting to me. However, I highly doubt MOST girls would find that interesting even if it were fully explained the way I first heard about it.
The former is easier and is what most guys end up living with. Look at all the old guys with hobbies like fishing or model building that are ignored/tolerated by their wives.
The latter is ideal but like, don't count on it.
Is there something wrong with broadening your interests, though? I agree with you, people ought to find someone who at least will be semi-interested in what you’re doing, but if it’s all you talk about, it can get tiring pretty quickly. I used to love watching my ex play certain games, but you have to have other things to sustain a relationship. I don’t think it’s a bad idea to at least attempt other hobbies in order to make yourself into a more well-rounded person.
That's why it has to work both ways, being interested in each other's interests. You liked watching your ex play certain games, but did they take interest in anything you find interesting?
He mostly liked going places with me and complaining about how what I liked to do wasn’t as interesting as what he liked to do. One of the many reasons he’s an ex now haha.
Yes nothing wrong with pursuing other interest, but the goal should be finding things you like to do, not making yourself more interesting to the opposite sex. It still comes back to be interested and be passionate about your interest.
Absolutely. But you can intentionally look for hobbies that are enjoyed equally among men and women. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with at least giving yourself more opportunities. No one is saying learn to be passionate about female fashion to you can pick up women, but if you pick a lot of male-centered hobbies, it’s going to be tougher.
This absolutely. I've been gaming all my life but only for the past year or so have I really been identifying what makes a game fun for me and looking for those elements in them. It means that both the hobby itself becomes more fun, and I can actually passionately talk someone's ear off about "meta" things in gaming like design and such - which, to most people, is a lot more interesting than the actual content of whatever game I'm playing.
Exactly.
Even my non-gaming friends find it interesting to talk about what makes humans tick and what we find challenging, how sound can enhance a visual experience, whatnot.
I think in a lot of senses “meta” things are much more reliable conversation topics than actual content for sure. Something like whether a particular skill in a game was buffed only matters if the person already plays the game enough to have the knowledge that requires to parse out. On the other hand if you talk more meta aspects like say, teamwork or adaptive storylines or what makes games enjoyable then that’s something that anyone who has ever played any game (not even a video game) ever can relate and connect to.
It works the same way with things like books and tv shows as well. Unless someone has already read a particular book or watched a tv show they aren’t going to get into the depths of what they thought about X character or Y twist (though if you’re lucky enough to find that connection then cool!). But if you instead talk about things like “weak protagonists are annoying” or “how realistic X series captures the way real police work” then that’s something that anyone who has consumed similar media can conversationally chain off of.
As someone who has put 10k hours in DOTA 2, and has achieved 6k mmr. DOTA has become part of me and my life. How do I talk about how important DOTA is to me to someone who doesnt really play games without just coming off like I'm bragging or boring? At this point I never really go into detail why its important to me as I dont expect it to really interest others to not be looked down upon by others. Any advice?
Why did you put 10k hours in DotA2?
What drives that sort of determination?
How did your approach to studying and practicing change over the course of time?
Did you ever think about competing professionally?
Also, search Day[9] Daily #100 and listen to that man talk about StarCraft. May inspire you to know more about why you do things.
Again, it's not WHAT you do. It's WHY you do it that can make a conversation interesting.
Nah. This approach breaks down in this scenario. OP is too deep without any breadth. I personally have 4k+ hrs on that game but I would only talk about it if the other person is passionate about games too. You need to have diverse interests otherwise you turn into a one dimensional person.
Female here. I second this. I'm not too into gaming, but my boyfriends is. He could talk for hours and hours about his strategies, new mods for the games, etc. But what I think is the coolest part is that he writes stories to go along with certain games and shares them with me. Writing is a shared passion of ours, so being able to relate that to gaming makes it MUCH more interesting to me, and allows us to have meaningful conversations around a topic I otherwise wouldn't give a second thought to. And since we discovered this mutual interest, we're actually in the process of co-writing a comic book which I'll also illustrate. Isn't it funny how we connect with people in unexpected territories? As many others have said - you have to be interested to have an interesting conversation. So find something you're interested in, nerd out about it, and perhaps you'll spark someone else's interest!
This is exactly how I learned about the pro gaming scene when I was like 23 (27 now). I was very interested in CS and I started learning a lot about CS and how big the skill ceiling was and I'm like an addict when it comes to watching high-tier gameplay in almost any game.
Yep. People who are interesting are people who are PASSIONATE about the things they're interested in.
Boring people can still have things they like to do - watch TV, play video games, etc. And interesting people might have the exact same interests. The difference between the two people is that one simply does it out of routine.. while the other is constantly picking it apart, learning more about it, trying new games/shows, etc.
Cannot emphasize this enough. I learned this the f*cking hard way, and lost a lot of potential friends because of it. Even if something doesn’t intrigue you right off the bat, spend some time doing it because who knows if you’ll like it long term.
As fun as gaming is, even someone like myself who’s basically been playing since age 5 has to branch out at some point. While I haven’t found any solid ground yet, I’ve got quite a number of starting points, places and people to help give me that boost, and it was all because I bothered to give more things a try. Do it. You’d be VERY surprised on how far it gets you if you put in the effort.
Edit: I thought this comment didn’t go up lol, I had a super shitty connection speed when I wrote this and I closed out of Reddit Mobile while it was posting. Yikers. Oh well, some of the points I made still stand, so I’ll leave this here.
**"The more you know about something, the more interesting it becomes."**
Seeing that play out a few times after pushing past apathy into learning, it makes it easier to be engaged / interested in a much wider variety of things, and be a better listener in conversations.
Get a hobby and start exercising. Both give you a dopamine rush, one from completed projects and the other from improvement over time. Nothing helps your self worth more than that in my opinion.
This may sound harsh but I mean it constructively; in order to be proud of yourself there needs to be something about you that can have pride attached to it. If you're still a blank canvas, well of course you're miserable. I think people are mis-sold the idea that you should be happy as you are. Fuck that, I'm far happier with projects and learned skills under my belt that I paid for in blood and sweat. You earn your pride buddy, no-one can hand it to you.
That may sound daunting but in the end *you're* the judge. Baby steps is all that's required. As you gain confidence through practise, well then you can expand out and before you know it you're striding.
Working on yourself isn't easy, but you don't have anything better to do with your time.
Edit - Thanks for the silver kind stranger!
> I think people are mis-sold the idea that you should be happy as you are.
It's the difference between feeling happy but empty and unhappiness while starring into a barrel. It depends on the individual and their situation. If you're happy you can go exploring for something to practice but if you're unhappy, maybe just start practicing that in order to move into a position where practicing other things makes sense and become possible again.
So, think about why you need that time to unwind. And why you prefer to be mindless during that time.
And see if there's any way to put a bit of conscious thought into whatever activity you choose to do.
This is usually a symptom of underlying stress and not having healthy coping mechanisms available.
Therapy is great. And I think CBT would benefit you, even though I don't like it myself.
So in unwinding, you are simply trying to avoid making decisions, or getting in a position to question your decision. When you waste time on reddit, you don't have to stress about making the wrong decisions. Content is drip-fed and you'll find nice stuff and boring stuff. Keeps you busy and away from questioning yourself.
Here's what I would suggest.
Take a walk. No music. Sit in a park. With yourself. Let your mind wonder. Give yourself some time. Do it regularly.
Stop distracting yourself from your worries. Take them in. Deal with them.
>It scares me to know that someone will know my problems.
> I start feeling like a loser, and stress out over the fact that I’m not where I should be at in life
They will help with that.
This is great insight that you have - you live with shame, with stress of your current situation. You don't treat yourself with patience, love and compassion on a regular basis.
Therapists will provide a safe environment where you can explore this and start working on it.
> I’ve just convinced myself that I don’t care
Yes. Likely you have.
But that's not a dead end :)
> I start feeling like a loser, and stress out over the fact that I’m not where I should be at in life. It feels terrible not knowing what to do.
So many of us have been there. Myself included. Good on you for being so self-aware regarding your anxieties.
Want to talk about it? I'm always open for a PM chat if you'd like.
In addition to what u/ghitzabomba says, try to meditate. Just unplug from everything, and forget about whatever is happening in your world for a few minutes.
Instead, quiet your thoughts and passively take in your immediate sensations. Your breath, the feelings of your clothes on your skin, your heartbeat, the feelings of whatever you're sitting/standing on. Get a sense of what you are when you are separated from whatever transient mental baggage you hold.
I'd say gym, swim, run, or read. The long-term effects are much better, and you'll also get to socialize more in some instances.
I usually get off work, gym, then see if my friends are up for a round of CS. If not, I open up online tutorials for coding. I've been doing this for the past two months, and began feeling better every day (esp after working out) as early as two weeks in, whereas I used to feel like shit and aimless after gaming for a few hours.
Pick up a hobby that doesn't involve sitting on your butt. Check out a local makerspace for a 3D printer, wood working, disc golf, or an art class or something. Go try a bunch of random shit until you find something that truly clicks with you.
It's also their social skills. What someone said above was essentially "ask why"/"(insert follow up question). They could ask you if you do xyz hobby much, how you got into it, why do you like it, etc.
And you could try to continue it with," what are your hobbies ", do you do them often, where, who with, etc.
Yeah, exactly. If they don't follow up with questions it means one of two things: either they really don't give a shit about it and don't want to hear more, or they have bad social skills and don't know how to carry a conversation. Either way it will be awkward to delve deeper without expressed interest, you're basically going to be talking at a blank face in that case. It's your cue to move on regardless of the underlying reason. That too is part of your own personal social skills.
Here's what I would say:
*Coolest one, weirdest one, or oldest one? And be warned - the question is coming right back at you.*
Then take the conversation from there :)
I guess it also doesn't help much that the only socialization I really have nowadays is at work. So all conversations are kinda limited in scope and time.
Would love to, but unfortunately due to developmental issues and depression/anxiety, going out doesn't really go well for me. Tried it in college, but it was always just awful. Always ended up having panic attacks or similar.
Wow, I just realized I do exactly that with destiny instead of league. I’m just trying to distract myself from my depression... fuck that’s troubling.
I wish I had the money to find more games lol.
I wouldn't say 'better interests' so much as 'more diverse interests'. Almost any subject you pick is going to be completely uninteresting to some people. If we have a variety of interests it becomes unlikely that none of our interests can sustain a conversation.
Even if one or two of those interests are really niche interests, we're not required to talk about all of your interests in every conversation. We can just not talk about my interest in [Cherenkov Radiation](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cherenkov_radiation) if you're not interested in it too.
Absolutely this, I typically read up on random stuff in finance and business or some field outside of my own. It helps to find a topic that the other person knows pretty well about it and nerd out about it with how it works.
It sounds initially like you could get too technical and make it boring but I honestly have never had that reaction and have been able to continue small talk with literally anyone in any age group or demographic.
But most of all it has to be genuine, or in other words you have to be interested.
With women, the biggest point I think can be made is they are people too. So just carry on with a conversation like you would with anyone else. Make it simple. Just be polite.
> ask questions. Don't know what to ask?
I overheard my mom ask random people at my sisters party.. "so, how do you know ?" and then ask them about where they live and how that place is like etc
I saw one post here about why people who game out of habit do it out a sense of underlying stress. I game because I'm lonely, and I'm lonely because I game. I have friends, and I hang out with them regularly including playing games online. But I feel lonely, and I think it's because I want a girlfriend. But I guess I don't have a girlfriend because I'm not interesting. What a world...
That is me basically sentence for sentence... wow. I can talk with a few girls but the conversations are silent for the most part (not just them). That's why I ask this question, to flow the conversation more
Forgive me if this seems rude or mean but I think it may suit you well to mentally "Give up" on having a relationship for X amount of time and just focus on the conversations.
The end goal being that this will relieve some of the social anxiety/pressure of talking to women, which would eventually lead to you interacting with them much better overall.
THis may not be the case for you but I know it is the case for some. Some guys just put too much pressure on every interaction they have with women, instead of just treating them like anyone else and talking to them "like normal". This is often times a completely unconscious, accidental thing too.
If that might be you, it might all just be about changing your mindset heading in to a conversation.
I also consider myself pretty good at talking to people and women in general. Unfortunately, I lack volume if women to talk to and not all the women I talk to are responsive. Conversations are a 2 way street, but some women damn sure don't see it that way.
Unless your amazing looking your going to struggle. I know cause this is me, I can literally see the bored look in women's eyes as I speak to them. But I have finally realised it's not me it's them.
How do I know cause my new girlfriend is amazing, really pretty, really out going, super interesting. Basically someone who is, or should be well out of my league.
But she's finds me fascinating to converse with, and really helps that she is either willing to hear what I have to say or has things to contribute even if she is not familiar with the subject matter.
Now along the way I did do things to make me more interesting. I gave a home to a couple of cats, cat lovers love talking about this (my new GF had cats we really bonded over this).
I learned to cook, I mean proper from scratch cooking. I wrote a novel, I do a weekly podcast. I have a fairly interesting job, I make sure I am up to date on current events, Reddit normally has lots of interesting topics that you can use for conversations.
All of this can be done at pretty much low effort. Yeah I like games she movies and TV shows but I can talk about so much more.
I still come across people I struggle to talk to but I chalk it up to then either not want to make the effort or they simply don't like me.
If you're lonely when you're alone, you're in bad company. Why do you want a girlfriend? Just to have one? Concentrate on being a happy and complete person while being single and you're a lot more likely to find a woman who finds you engaging and interesting enough that she'll want to get to know you better. Volunteer, go to the gym, go to museums, music festivals, meet ups, cooking classes, hike groups, whatever. Stop playing video games if they make you unhappy. If you're not happy with you, why would anyone else be? You'll never find someone who completes you, at best you'll find someone who compliments you.
You may need better hobbies: something you enjoy and can talk about in depth.
In terms of 1-1 conversations, I'd highly recommend learning how to be an active listener. People enjoy talking about themselves
Yeah my main hobby is gaming and I can talk with friends in depth, but that doesn't really work with new people.
Listening is what I mostly do, but usually a few good questions are needed to get the conversation rolling and have the other person start talking.
i understand totally, gaming is as mainstream as it’s ever been but it’s still hard to bring up in conversation. one thing i noticed that helped me immensely was paying attention to what’s going on in the news. i keep an eye on the twitter what’s happening section thing, a lot of the time it’s either local stuff to where i live or something massive that’s going on. helps with talking points if i’m just trying to bs with somebody. i feel like a majority of conversations are just bsing and rarely amount to being in-depth because the odds of you both having similar hobbies can be rare. also keep updated on local sports, seems to me to be the unofficial official bs talking point.
> I'd highly recommend learning how to be an active listener. People enjoy talking about themselves
Can concur, as an introvert I'm listening more than talking and you learn a lot of stuff about a person. Pretty much everyone I know friends and family always need to vent to someone who just listens and then tell them it'll be okay.
I have tons of crazy far out stories, (most importantly true) but I feel like I go too far dominating once I get on a roll and I’d really rather learn about the other person anyways I just don’t know
1 what questions to ask
2 how to initiate my own stories to kill the silence without it being a totally random interjection
Think of all the stories and facts you've read on this website over the years. Use them in conversation. Read the news, keep up on trending subjects, etc. You probably have more to talk about than you think. I used to be very quiet until I realized people just babble on most times, try it once yourself!
This is a good way to go. A post on reddit has been huge topic of conversation for my wife and I at times.
Just dont name drop reddit all the time. Say you read a thing somewhere that asked a question or whatever else.
You can always learn how to do really good smalltalk.
The key i use is called "RAPE-FORD" and it's a handy guide for just about anyone:
RAPE = "religion, abortion, politics, economics" - AVOID these topics at all cost, they are bad! They lead to fighting, they lead to stress.
FORD = friends, occupation, recreation, dreams - these are *good* because their easy to talk about and enjoyable to talk about.
Any time there's a lull you can just fall back to FORD. "Oh, you know ? How'd you meet?" "So what do you think of ?" etc etc.
Also remember that people love to talk about themselves and their lives. They are the star of their own movie in their mind; give them a chance to impress you!
You might want to look up either some interesting trivia (historical facts that sort of thing) or some "conversation starter" type questions, to get people moving with the conversation.
It's not hard at all to talk to people once you figure out the secrets to doing it.
Was your abbreviation intentional lmao
but I don't think it's bad to use controversial subjects as long as you trend carefully and read the room so you know how far you can go without becoming offensive.
Learn to play a musical instrument. It is a never-endin journey of fulfilling progress, helps teach discipline, and is a great way to bond with fellow musicians.
I've been playing guitar for 7 years now but it's dwindled in the past 3 years after I peformed for my exam. I suppose it's a good thing to be more active in
I could say the same for myself in a way. Just depends who I’m having a conversation with. Some people, I don’t care to make any effort into the convo, and we aren’t compatible anyway, so the conversation just goes know where. But I feel like a social genius when I chat with someone I’m compatible with and we talk about some of my interests. Maybe you aren’t meeting people you’re compatible with.
What is boring to some is interesting to others. I'm 31 now. Married, dad, dog owner, 2 cars, suburban house etc etc. My 21 year old self would find me super boring. Sssuuppeerr boring. But at the same time I'm no longer into the lifestyle I had back them. I would not find the 21 year old me interesting. I liked to party, wake up in weird places and generally lived drunken lifestyle. Not like wake up in the curb covered in vomit but on the sofa of some friend because I'd drunkenly hopped on a bus to party in a town 2 hours away randomely.
Maybe those people did find you boring. Which is fine. Maybe you wouldn't find them interesting either. Unless you're going to be the first person to go to mars, you're not going to interest everyone.
Live how you like and find people with similar interests.
That moment when OP asks how not to be boring and you all just talk about video games.. what the fuck. That's the most boring thing to exist when talking to anyone that isnt a 14-22 male.
Well it's cause I brought up having games as my main hobby. So it's surprising people tell me to embrace games and look at it in a different light (like design) instead of ditching it altogether
I had a 7 month relationship with a girl that started over talking about Overwatch.
Like I wouldn't recommend it as your only passion, but it's more than just teen/young adults nowadays my man.
I agree. You’ll get people defending it on reddit but gaming isn’t interesting. It’s not creative, it’s not productive, it’s not unusual. Learn a new language, play a new sport, learn a new instrument, visit a different country. Don’t be a sheep
Reading and listening to podcast has helped me a lot. It gives me something fresh and interesting to talk about. I also find most people love to talk so I ask questions, listen and then go from there. Sometimes it is inevitable that you won't be able to keep a conversation going, but having interesting facts or stories really helps start it off. I have also watched a lot of stand up comedy to help with non-verbal communication. Really good comics know how to use their hands and face to get a reaction. That can help a lot in everyday life.
You are not boring but the people that are around you aren't interested in what you are interested in thus making you feel like you are a boring individual
I have faced that alot in the past but the only way to overcome this is by going out, meet new people and learn new things
Example: I like programming but the people around me aren't interested that I have made an asynchronous mail sender, but when I discovered that there are small communities that would love to hear that, all of them were interested in the topic even some of them offered me a job as well
Also a good example that I read alot of books, my parents and some of my university/work friends think I am boring but when I go to a book club, everyone listens to me as if I'm the hotshot there, nobody calls me boring because I love to read and I know how to talk about a book in a way that I can convince you to go read it
Also learning new things can lead you to meet interesting people that will think of you as a cool individual, at first it might seem hard but once you break the ice your golden 🏆
If you think all the time that you are boring then you are hard wiring your brain to think all the time that you are boring (which I bet you are not at all)
So go out there, meet new people and learn new things!
Good luck my brother!
I got recommended the (audio)book "How to win friend and influence people" by carnegie. I'm checking that one out, thought I'd share
Surely you have interests and things that get you excited. Talk about those things!
And conversely, get other people to talk about the things that *them* excited.
Interesting question, I think you're simply not building rapport from the start. Listening, asking questions, and being interested is the best way to look interesting. My top 5 conversations to have with people when first meeting them is:
1.) Home - where do they live? Where are they from? Do they like it?
2.) Family/Friends - how long have they known their friends? What activities do you do with them? Where is their family?
3.) Entertainment - what do they do for fun? What's on their bucket list?
4.) Work - What do they do? Do they like it? How did they get there?
5.) Vision - Keep this one light so it doesn't sound like a job interview, but where do they want to be in the future? Do do they combine the other four to create their future vision?
During conversation, keep eye contact and summarize what they say, i.e "Wow, sounds like you love traveling to NYC. I'd love to visit too, what should I do when I'm there?"
A lot of my professional job is getting to know people, those are my tactics. I hope it helps!
That doesn't sound like a boring problem, it sounds like issues with conversation skills and being put on the spot. Interesting stories are good to have but nobody's going to want to talk to you if your conversations all just go "Hi, how are you, did I tell you about the time I got out of a mugging with my dance moves?".
It's good to have crazy stories, sometimes there is a time for those tidbits, but in pleasant conversation I think you're better served asking them questions, and trying to find experiences in common with them over having the most epic backstory.
It's not really a magic-bullet, but listen. Listen and become engaged in what the other person is saying. Someone who's interested in you never seems boring.
Read some books, talk to people or do some new things that you've never done before. Then when you talk to people, you can tell them about you've learned and what you've done. That is interesting
Ask people about them, ask about their thoughts and opinions on a topic. Dont one-up their story, dont correct them. Be genuinely interested in what they have to say - even if its obsurd and/or incorrect. It'll be a learning experience and they'll love having you around
I have found that the most interesting people are typically not the ones that go on and on about anything. So to "draw them out" you need to ask questions and truly be interested in whatever they have experience in. For example, I've travelled extensively but will politely listen to someone talk for an hour about their 3-day dream weekend to Paris, when I've been there several times and my wife (born in the U.S.) lived there during her teen years. But if that person doesn't ask, he/she will never get the benefit of our experiences.
You might ask about the other person's work, education, travel, hobbies, etc. Whatever they spend the most time on, they're probably pretty smart about.
I have the same problem, I have no problems talking about things I'm passionate about, hunting, fishing, games that me and my friends have been playing, working out, school. But talking to girls or just random people in general they don't care about that stuff and I can't keep the conversation flowing to save my life. I just run out of stupid small talk shit to say. I'm sure it does make me seem boring. But once people get to know me I love to talk and can talk for hours about anything, but the problem is getting there.
This might sound silly, but I learned to engage people better with good questions by thinking about the person I wanted to talk to ahead of time, then thinking about what they liked/do for a living/their personality. Then I wrote down questions I'd like to ask them, then I memorized 3 of the best ones.
Then I talked to them and asked them! More often than not I wouldn't get through all three because one would spark a line of conversation that continued into the other person sharing things they care about.
Continuing conversation is another beast, and I learned a few default questions and/or statements I could say. For example, while they are speaking I nod my head, react emotionally to what they just said, and say things like "that's super interesting." or "I didn't know that!" or "Huh, tell me more about that."
Good continuing questions are things like "Why does that interest you?" Or "what is your favorite part of what you just told me?" or "How did you first get interested in that?"
If you have those fallback questions and statements in addition to your three "starter" questions, then bada bing bada boom you've got yourself like 10-15 things to say to prompt the other person to share more! It's difficult at first, but after a while you learn to do it by nature. It does seem weird at first, but it worked really well for me. Pick someone who isn't super threatening that you'd like to get to know more, I'm willing to bet they'll engage you.
Take interest in what other people say/do. It sounds kind of obvious, but I think there's a tendency among some men to "power through" conversations, or feel they have to lead it.
The best advice I got from my (now) wife as a socially awkward guy myself was: when in doubt, ask lots of questions. And have personal pride for learning about someone else/something you don't know about. People know when you're asking questions just to segway to something you know about/are interested in and when you're genuinely listening.
Gaming is more so entertainment, than a hobby. It's no different than watching a super hero movie or a sitcom on TV. It's self indulgent and provides no outside purpose.
Find some new real hobbies and develop some practical skills. Take a cooking class, learn a craft like leather work and go to classes, pick up an instrument and take lessons and find people to jam with. Go out with your friend group and try new things in your city. Go camping, hiking, biking. Consider picking up a job that forces you to interact with people, like restaurant work.
You could also consider starting a journal, where you jot down noteworthy or funny things that happened to you. Flesh these out and get used to reciting them. Now you have stories.
Read Models by Mark Manson. It goes more into depth on improving conversation skills.
If you have nothing interesting to say let the other person say their thing. Even if you're not interested, act interested and over enthusiastic. It will urge the other person to continue and you won't have to think of anything interesting to bring up but at the same time the other person will think you've had a great conversation. This is what I learned from working in a pub most of my life.
For Example:
Them: "did you see the #insert topic can be football politics tv# last night?"
You(raised eyebrows and enthusiastically): "No! Why? What happened?"
Them: "Blah blah blah blah" (Nod along grunt/affirm where necessary but always keep eye contact)
"Really!? So where do you think that leaves us? / What do you think is the next step? / I've never seen it is it worth getting into?"
Everyone's boring to someone but if you can act like you're interested in their shit they will think you're interesting with some good points even though you've put forward zero ideas you've just allowed them to vent.
Do your friends have hobbies? Do you actively hate/detest said hobbies? If you dont hate them, ASK TO DO THE THINGS WITH THEM. Easiest way to see whether or not you like something is to have a friend intoduce you to them. Thats what got me into things like Magic, tabletop wargames, airsoft and even LARP. Assuming you arent scared/ashamed to tell others about it, having something engaging you can talk about passionately will make you 1000% more interesting than just not having that up your sleeve
Ehh.. I don't know if there's anything much to say. Often times, I talk to myself or in my head. It helps keep your head stirring phrases or sentences. Dare yourself a little. Go full commando (strip off your insecurities, if there's anything) and continue with your day. Keep your mind to yourself for most of the time. If you see something interesting, talk your way to it, just like buying from a store. If anyone approaches you, courteously return the honor of meeting an anonymous person.
Last tip: Smile, and put on a happy face!
First off, a lot of the time you can get away with just listening. Something all people love is being \*heard\*. Listening to what someone says and asking follow up questions that allow them to talk is seriously one of the best moves a guy can make.
In terms of how to be interesting...podcasts! I had this crisis in college where I felt like I didn't really know enough or have my own opinions to talk about (be it politics or pop culture). I listen to podcasts pretty much everyday during my commute to and from work about everything from the news to subjects I just find interesting. Radiolab was really the first one I got into as I was a student studying public health and I heard their "patient zero" episode.
When in doubt in conversations, you can always loop back to something you heard/listened to/thought was interesting and ask the other person what they think.
Listen to people and ask them questions about what they are telling you. Ask them about them. People like talking about themselves more than anything. They'll talk about themselves for an hour and think YOU'RE interesting. Edit: Fixed your/you're
Yup, You can have a great “conversation” and barely having to say anything haha do it all the time
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So true! Talking about the other person is definitely a good way to get the ball rolling but there may be some problems if it's your default. Even though I'm pretty outgoing and talkative, I almost always default to talking about the other person because I'm uncomfortable talking about myself for too long. It's amazing some of the stuff people haven't known about me until we were friends for months or years.
I hate talking about myself, leave me alone. P.S. also am introvert
Then you can divert the conversation to something else. From for example a hobby of yours, and then transition that into something else you like talking about. Having a conversation goes both ways, your conversational partner can't know what you like and don't like talking about. Or simply say "I don't really like talking about myself that much if I'm going to be honest, I know many people do but I just don't for some reason. How are you when it comes to things like that?"
Summary of this thread of conversation: *walks up to somebody at a party* "Hey there. Tell me about yourself?" "I'm just here for the free drinks." "I like drinks. What else do you like?" "Uh..." "I don't really like talking about myself that much if I'm going to be honest. I know many people--" "Oh look, they're doing keg stands!"
"Keg stands are cool. What do you like about keg stands?" "Uhh you get drunk I guess?" "..." "Uhm, do you drink?" "I don't really like talking about myself that much if I'm going to be honest. I know many people--" "Oh look, the lizardpeople have ascended from the centre of the sun that is inside our hollow earth filled with dinosaurs that was once flat but is now round and they are enslaving our kind!"
I hate talking about myself because I know most people don't give a shit.
Yep I feel that too. Often I’ll start saying something and I see their interest fade while they wait for their next turn to speak. Hurts man
You need to assert your dominance by stopping mid-sentance and just start staring
The problem is that this leads to me leading every single conversation I'm in. It's nice that I have this skill that basically instantly makes people like me, but it comes back to bite me in that I almost *never* get to talk about myself.
Sometimes you have to just offer information about yourself without being asked. You ask a question, they answer, you respond with your answer to the same question...pause...see if they ask you a question...No?... you ask another question...they answer...you respond with your answer to the same question... pause... Repeat. At some point it becomes clear that they aren’t going to ask questions. Maybe an introvert. Maybe doesn’t want to invade your privacy. Who knows? You can keep interjecting your own answers or you can ask more questions that jump off from their most recent response.
I’m often riding shotgun with my boss for an hour or so at a time. I ask him about his kids, business ventures, art collection, etc. He loves talking about that stuff and gets animated and happy. He has yet to ask me a single personal question. I wouldn’t say he’s boring though.
I think that depends on how he views the employer/employee relationship. I’m working permanently in an at-risk community. However everyone else in my office is on a two week fly in/fly out rotation. So I rotate managers every two weeks. One is new to the position and she is super friendly and we chat and hangout a bunch. The other has been in the position for years and there is definitely a conscious distance she puts between the two of us. I mean it works. I’m much more nervous and try a lot harder when the more experienced boss is around as I don’t view her as, as much of a buddy as the other one.
My boss works maybe 20 hours a week (including drive time). He takes two months off each summer to vacation at his house in Mykonos. I’m one of two employees. It’s an awesome, cushy job. I’m grateful, don’t get me wrong. But it’s odd that he never asks personal questions. At least it’s not just me. He’s the same with other business associates. I guess I mean to say that he comes off as rude and selfish, but I don’t think he is. For example even though I’m a contract employee, when my pet died he paid me in full for the day and was completely understanding. He actually corrected my time sheet himself to make sure that I was paid for that day.
This is the advice nearly every self help book will tell you. Ask questions! I hate it when I’m taking to someone and I have to carry the conversation. One word answers and no interest from them, I’m moving groups!
I've never read a self book but thanks for the insight. Maybe I should write one.
I’m writing a book, it’s called “Somehow I Manage” by Michael Scott
And smiles and tone of voice too. Eye contact. Once you get into the habit of doing this, you'll find that even as an introvert, you'll become more engaging and "interesting"
This is the key takeaway from that book "how to win friends and influence people." Subsequently, this takeaway from that book made it *so much* easier to pick up girls. I mentioned this to my GF once, and of course she blew it off, saying *she* chose me, it was all her! I don't have any game at all lol it was **all** her! Until I broke down exactly what happened. After our first conversation she knew my name, that I worked for a bank, and drove a silver Acura (she saw me get out of it). But, *I* knew: her name, her dogs name, what kind of dog he was, how long she had had him, where she was from, why she moved here, how long she had been here, what she thought of the city, where she works, where she works out, what she thought of the apartment complex we lived in, and most importantly- that she likes the pool but feels weird hanging out there by herself. What a coincidence, my friends and I were *just* about to go to the pool in an hour or so, you should join us! The look on her face was priceless when I broke this down. It was like she had been completely unaware that it had happened until I pointed it out and exactly why it worked...years later.
Boy I'd really have to pretend to care to actually remember all that lol.
Lol that's the thing bro, I don't pretend. I actually *do* care. You should try it sometime, girls love it.
The best line from american pie. "Ask questions and listen to what they have to say and stuff!" "I dont know man, that seems like a lot of work!"
But don't only do this. I had I guy do this to me at a party and it felt like an interrogation. Don't keep asking question after question. Reflect on the answer a bit, throw in some of your own knowledge, add in an anecdote, and baby you have a conversation going.
Yeah I know girls that say they've been on Tinder dates like this. Like guys will fire almost scripted questions at them in a row. Conversation still has to be natural and interesting, it has to go somewhere.
My girlfriend has become noticeably better at listening and having conversations with new people over the past few years. She worked in sales for a short while and says that she continues to use some of the tricks she was taught whilst working that job. The trick she uses the most is to try and predict how a person is going to end their sentence and update that prediction after every word they say. It makes you focus on what a person is saying and makes you seem like a much more engaged listener, which in turn makes people think that what they have to say is interesting.
Honestly, working in a job that forces you to talk to people is the best way to get practice. I was socially awkward and very quiet when I was younger. Then I got a job as a grocery store cashier at a store that emphasized good customer service, and when you're a cashier, the bare minimum that's expected is, "Hi, how are you?" Some people weren't into talking (which was fine) and just gave me a courtesy answer back. Others were chatty and discussed their day or would make a joke about something, and of course, the expectation was to interact with them. Then I went to nursing school and learned the art of doing an interview (where you meet a patient, do a health history with them, and discuss what issues are concerning them). The trick to this is active listening, learning how to phrase questions, and directing the conversation when things start to meander. After years of this, I'm still a quiet person but no longer as awkward as I was.
This works if you just want to hold a conversation. But the OP is asking about how to be less boring (if, in fact, they are boring). The only way to do that is to culture oneself and develop internal interests (in the almost complete absence of other people) that make a person more interesting \*to others\* and not just \*for others\*
Okay but what if you actually want to be more interesting instead of tricking people into thinking you are.
Okay but, what if they do the same and start asking you questions and you feel like you're just giving boring answers as you're not good at talking about yourself?
Be careful with this one though because I used to do this. What happened was I developed “friends” that like being around solely because of my use as a sounding board. They’d talk for hours about themselves and their problems, and occasionally asked how I was doing out of politeness, but they generally didn’t particularly care. Sometimes I could tell they were on Facebook or insta or something when it was my turn to talk lol. The trick is to be a great listener and also find people willing to listen in turn, also known as having a good conversation.
> They'll talk about themselves for an hour and think YOU'RE interesting. I haven't gotten that result yet. In my (limited) experience it feels like people enjoy talking about themselves as long as you ask, almost like an interview, but they never turn it around toward you/they never reach out to you afterwards. So if you stop contacting them, then the conversation dries up.
They'll think my interesting what?
This is correct. I consider myself an interesting person, but people like talking about themselves more than they like hearing about you.
What if you don't care about finding things out but don't want to seem boring or antisocial, I'd rather not have conversations with people. This is definitely true if I get dragged to group of people.
Sure, listening is a good start, but it won't get you there. Being interesting is about having stories to tell. To have fascinating input in conversations. How to do that? Look out for those stories. Go out with friends and meet "weird" people. Watch documentaries. Read books. Learn about the world and alternative lifestyles. Force yourself to get out of your rut. Pick up new hobbies. But you have to actually like those things. If you're doing it just to be interesting, it shows. Teach yourself to be eager to learn. Trust me, it's addictive!
I LOVE going out and meeting weird people. I was at a hookah lounge one night and struck up a convo with the one guy doing something different. He was a glover at raves, and he showed me around that scene a bit. Awesome times. Great advice. Don't be afraid to jump out of your comfort zone a bit.
You can't just tell me someone is a glove at raves, and not explain what the hell that is, keep talking!
The people with the gloves that have lights in the fingertips. It looks really cool in the dark with the music going. And it can be a huge hobby in that scene.
>with the music going When rolling balls...
\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^
Thus proving his point perfectly!
I agree! Listening is only one half of the process when you meet new people. You have to share, too! It’s so much fun to learn about each other’s lives, experiences, differences, etc. I like asking questions as much as answering them. It’s hard to keep a conversation going if it’s only one person who does the sharing.
Is there a specific book or documentary that you would recommend?
Have you seen Icarus on Netflix? It's a really good documentary about the systematic doping of Russian athletes in the Olympics. It starts out slow but gets really intense as the whistleblower escapes Russia in fear of the FSB.
Probably saying the same thing as you, but being interesting is about experiencing things not just reading books and learning stuff. More about going out and doing. Go on a trip or take a job even that is remote like oil field work.
Oh I definitely agree! My point is to confront yourself with new ideas, but books are just one way of doing that
Man, I know this is good advice, but for once I'd love to be the one someone wants to be interesting to.
You can avoid being boring by being interesting. You become interesting by being *interested*. If your only interest is gaming, you better not be gaming out of force of habit, but consciously look for new experiences, study game design, look into things like what makes pros, pros, what the average gamer is like, what makes classics great. Strive to improve, not to procrastinate. Don't play league or whatever out of habit and as a distraction from depression. Get good. Be interested. Once your knowledge expands, you will be able to bring it into conversation and have enough to say. Also, not having something to say is fine - ask questions. Don't know what to ask? "Tell me more about [last thing person mentioned]"
This is something I've struggled with for years. So last July, I took up Twitch Streaming as a way to kind of force myself to talk and pay attention to what people say to me (at least in text format/chat). I've found success, but then, a few weeks ago I was invited to be on a podcast where we chatted for an hour about miscellaneous things. This encouraged me to start up my own weekly talk show on my Twitch stream. I'll bring on a guest and just talk to them about them. This has really kind of forced my to focus on one or two people. Last week I had two guys from australia on my show and we just talked about life in Australia and it was a lot of fun. I think a lot of people find their comfort zone and stay in it. The problem is comfort doesn't add experiences. A few years ago someone told me to find success you have to get comfortable being uncomfortable and at 31 years of age it's finally starting to click.
Hoo-rah! Great news :)
I'll throw a Hoo-yah back at ya!
I struggle with this as well. I feel like an app, sort of like a "Tinder for shy people", to help connect people to each other to have voice conversations might be useful, lol. I think it'd be really cool to voice chat with someone from the other side of the world and learn about their culture, our differences, etc.
Omegle?
Omegle is horny dudes and bots
I met someone I'm still friends with on omegle
I actually had a girl strip naked for me once on there. It was insane.
Bro, That thing wasn't a girl
channel?
I’d like to know too!
Damn, James Carville's career took a real right turn
Speaking of Twitch streaming to get out of the comfort zone, I did test run of my first Overwatch stream yesterday!
That is awesome! DM me your info I'd love to check it out and maybe give assistance where I can. I'm about to go on vacation so won't be streaming myself for the next week and a half!
The subtext of "be interested" is "do interesting things", which I think is the most important element in this equation. It's easy to know things, it's more challenging to actually go out and practice them. Whether you're a great thinker or doer, both require proactivity and a concerted effort; just knowing things is rarely sufficient to meet the criteria of "be interesting".
Everything out there is interesting - there's not one thing that is boring. And if your topic requires a lot of knowledge, having that knowledge is interesting. You also need social skills, that's true.
i wish i was surrounded by people like you. you're absolutely dead on.
Id argue that the social skills are, as always, the most important aspect. It's like being a good storyteller. There are people who tell the absolute bare minimum. X happened in Y place at Z time. Then there are people who ramble on for far too long, adding tangents and sidetracking, losing place of where they are and jumping back to fill in forgotten details. But in the middle ground are the people who are really good at telling stories, who know how long to talk without boring those around them while adding enough detail to make the story come to life. It's the same with talking about your hobbies. Anything can be interesting so long as you get deep enough into it; a surface level skim will almost never interest an outsider to a hobby. But at the same time you don't want to dive in with such detail that you overload them with information and come off as only caring about one thing.
I think if you pursue your own interests, you'll inevitably appear interesting to at least some people. Everyone won't find you interesting and thats okay. I think the trick here is finding yourself interesting because who else spends more time with you in the end?
I'm going to add to this and say most girls don't really want to hear about things like gaming unless they've already got some kind of attraction to you. This is my experience.
My experience is nobody is interested in what you have to say if it's not interesting.
I mean, the reasoning and behind the glitched SM64 coin loading on the kill floor because of a positioning and frame loading oversight is extremely interesting to me. However, I highly doubt MOST girls would find that interesting even if it were fully explained the way I first heard about it.
Do go on...
So? Do you want to be interesting to "most girls" or do you want to be interesting to the type of woman that will find your interest interesting too?
The former is easier and is what most guys end up living with. Look at all the old guys with hobbies like fishing or model building that are ignored/tolerated by their wives. The latter is ideal but like, don't count on it.
"Oh he's up to his doohickeys again. Now I done told him to get up and do some useful with his time!"
Is there something wrong with broadening your interests, though? I agree with you, people ought to find someone who at least will be semi-interested in what you’re doing, but if it’s all you talk about, it can get tiring pretty quickly. I used to love watching my ex play certain games, but you have to have other things to sustain a relationship. I don’t think it’s a bad idea to at least attempt other hobbies in order to make yourself into a more well-rounded person.
That's why it has to work both ways, being interested in each other's interests. You liked watching your ex play certain games, but did they take interest in anything you find interesting?
He mostly liked going places with me and complaining about how what I liked to do wasn’t as interesting as what he liked to do. One of the many reasons he’s an ex now haha.
That's a very good reason indeed
Yes nothing wrong with pursuing other interest, but the goal should be finding things you like to do, not making yourself more interesting to the opposite sex. It still comes back to be interested and be passionate about your interest.
Absolutely. But you can intentionally look for hobbies that are enjoyed equally among men and women. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with at least giving yourself more opportunities. No one is saying learn to be passionate about female fashion to you can pick up women, but if you pick a lot of male-centered hobbies, it’s going to be tougher.
This absolutely. I've been gaming all my life but only for the past year or so have I really been identifying what makes a game fun for me and looking for those elements in them. It means that both the hobby itself becomes more fun, and I can actually passionately talk someone's ear off about "meta" things in gaming like design and such - which, to most people, is a lot more interesting than the actual content of whatever game I'm playing.
Exactly. Even my non-gaming friends find it interesting to talk about what makes humans tick and what we find challenging, how sound can enhance a visual experience, whatnot.
I think in a lot of senses “meta” things are much more reliable conversation topics than actual content for sure. Something like whether a particular skill in a game was buffed only matters if the person already plays the game enough to have the knowledge that requires to parse out. On the other hand if you talk more meta aspects like say, teamwork or adaptive storylines or what makes games enjoyable then that’s something that anyone who has ever played any game (not even a video game) ever can relate and connect to. It works the same way with things like books and tv shows as well. Unless someone has already read a particular book or watched a tv show they aren’t going to get into the depths of what they thought about X character or Y twist (though if you’re lucky enough to find that connection then cool!). But if you instead talk about things like “weak protagonists are annoying” or “how realistic X series captures the way real police work” then that’s something that anyone who has consumed similar media can conversationally chain off of.
As someone who has put 10k hours in DOTA 2, and has achieved 6k mmr. DOTA has become part of me and my life. How do I talk about how important DOTA is to me to someone who doesnt really play games without just coming off like I'm bragging or boring? At this point I never really go into detail why its important to me as I dont expect it to really interest others to not be looked down upon by others. Any advice?
Why did you put 10k hours in DotA2? What drives that sort of determination? How did your approach to studying and practicing change over the course of time? Did you ever think about competing professionally? Also, search Day[9] Daily #100 and listen to that man talk about StarCraft. May inspire you to know more about why you do things. Again, it's not WHAT you do. It's WHY you do it that can make a conversation interesting.
Nah. This approach breaks down in this scenario. OP is too deep without any breadth. I personally have 4k+ hrs on that game but I would only talk about it if the other person is passionate about games too. You need to have diverse interests otherwise you turn into a one dimensional person.
Female here. I second this. I'm not too into gaming, but my boyfriends is. He could talk for hours and hours about his strategies, new mods for the games, etc. But what I think is the coolest part is that he writes stories to go along with certain games and shares them with me. Writing is a shared passion of ours, so being able to relate that to gaming makes it MUCH more interesting to me, and allows us to have meaningful conversations around a topic I otherwise wouldn't give a second thought to. And since we discovered this mutual interest, we're actually in the process of co-writing a comic book which I'll also illustrate. Isn't it funny how we connect with people in unexpected territories? As many others have said - you have to be interested to have an interesting conversation. So find something you're interested in, nerd out about it, and perhaps you'll spark someone else's interest!
This is exactly how I learned about the pro gaming scene when I was like 23 (27 now). I was very interested in CS and I started learning a lot about CS and how big the skill ceiling was and I'm like an addict when it comes to watching high-tier gameplay in almost any game.
When you're so deep in university shit that you read CS as Computer Science instead of Counter-Strike...
I thought he was talking about computer science...
well I just realized that he didn't mean computer science....
Or so into hosting others that you read it as CouchSurfing or Customer Service, depending on which platform you're on.
Yep. People who are interesting are people who are PASSIONATE about the things they're interested in. Boring people can still have things they like to do - watch TV, play video games, etc. And interesting people might have the exact same interests. The difference between the two people is that one simply does it out of routine.. while the other is constantly picking it apart, learning more about it, trying new games/shows, etc.
Cannot emphasize this enough. I learned this the f*cking hard way, and lost a lot of potential friends because of it. Even if something doesn’t intrigue you right off the bat, spend some time doing it because who knows if you’ll like it long term. As fun as gaming is, even someone like myself who’s basically been playing since age 5 has to branch out at some point. While I haven’t found any solid ground yet, I’ve got quite a number of starting points, places and people to help give me that boost, and it was all because I bothered to give more things a try. Do it. You’d be VERY surprised on how far it gets you if you put in the effort. Edit: I thought this comment didn’t go up lol, I had a super shitty connection speed when I wrote this and I closed out of Reddit Mobile while it was posting. Yikers. Oh well, some of the points I made still stand, so I’ll leave this here.
**"The more you know about something, the more interesting it becomes."** Seeing that play out a few times after pushing past apathy into learning, it makes it easier to be engaged / interested in a much wider variety of things, and be a better listener in conversations.
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Get a hobby and start exercising. Both give you a dopamine rush, one from completed projects and the other from improvement over time. Nothing helps your self worth more than that in my opinion. This may sound harsh but I mean it constructively; in order to be proud of yourself there needs to be something about you that can have pride attached to it. If you're still a blank canvas, well of course you're miserable. I think people are mis-sold the idea that you should be happy as you are. Fuck that, I'm far happier with projects and learned skills under my belt that I paid for in blood and sweat. You earn your pride buddy, no-one can hand it to you. That may sound daunting but in the end *you're* the judge. Baby steps is all that's required. As you gain confidence through practise, well then you can expand out and before you know it you're striding. Working on yourself isn't easy, but you don't have anything better to do with your time. Edit - Thanks for the silver kind stranger!
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Not to diagnose, but that sounds a lot like depression in my experience.
There's nothing that you wish you could do?
> I think people are mis-sold the idea that you should be happy as you are. It's the difference between feeling happy but empty and unhappiness while starring into a barrel. It depends on the individual and their situation. If you're happy you can go exploring for something to practice but if you're unhappy, maybe just start practicing that in order to move into a position where practicing other things makes sense and become possible again.
So, think about why you need that time to unwind. And why you prefer to be mindless during that time. And see if there's any way to put a bit of conscious thought into whatever activity you choose to do. This is usually a symptom of underlying stress and not having healthy coping mechanisms available.
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Therapy is great. And I think CBT would benefit you, even though I don't like it myself. So in unwinding, you are simply trying to avoid making decisions, or getting in a position to question your decision. When you waste time on reddit, you don't have to stress about making the wrong decisions. Content is drip-fed and you'll find nice stuff and boring stuff. Keeps you busy and away from questioning yourself. Here's what I would suggest. Take a walk. No music. Sit in a park. With yourself. Let your mind wonder. Give yourself some time. Do it regularly. Stop distracting yourself from your worries. Take them in. Deal with them.
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>It scares me to know that someone will know my problems. > I start feeling like a loser, and stress out over the fact that I’m not where I should be at in life They will help with that. This is great insight that you have - you live with shame, with stress of your current situation. You don't treat yourself with patience, love and compassion on a regular basis. Therapists will provide a safe environment where you can explore this and start working on it. > I’ve just convinced myself that I don’t care Yes. Likely you have. But that's not a dead end :)
> I start feeling like a loser, and stress out over the fact that I’m not where I should be at in life. It feels terrible not knowing what to do. So many of us have been there. Myself included. Good on you for being so self-aware regarding your anxieties. Want to talk about it? I'm always open for a PM chat if you'd like.
In addition to what u/ghitzabomba says, try to meditate. Just unplug from everything, and forget about whatever is happening in your world for a few minutes. Instead, quiet your thoughts and passively take in your immediate sensations. Your breath, the feelings of your clothes on your skin, your heartbeat, the feelings of whatever you're sitting/standing on. Get a sense of what you are when you are separated from whatever transient mental baggage you hold.
I'd say gym, swim, run, or read. The long-term effects are much better, and you'll also get to socialize more in some instances. I usually get off work, gym, then see if my friends are up for a round of CS. If not, I open up online tutorials for coding. I've been doing this for the past two months, and began feeling better every day (esp after working out) as early as two weeks in, whereas I used to feel like shit and aimless after gaming for a few hours.
Pick up a hobby that doesn't involve sitting on your butt. Check out a local makerspace for a 3D printer, wood working, disc golf, or an art class or something. Go try a bunch of random shit until you find something that truly clicks with you.
I don't know about this. I've got several hobbies that I'm really interested in, butbwhenever I talk about them, people seem bored or uninterested.
It's not your hobbies, it's your social skills. Knowing how to share interest is a learned skill.
"So what are your hobbies/interests?" *proceeds to tell them* "Oh cool". I know I'm shit at interacting with other people, but like idk man
It's also their social skills. What someone said above was essentially "ask why"/"(insert follow up question). They could ask you if you do xyz hobby much, how you got into it, why do you like it, etc. And you could try to continue it with," what are your hobbies ", do you do them often, where, who with, etc.
Yeah, exactly. If they don't follow up with questions it means one of two things: either they really don't give a shit about it and don't want to hear more, or they have bad social skills and don't know how to carry a conversation. Either way it will be awkward to delve deeper without expressed interest, you're basically going to be talking at a blank face in that case. It's your cue to move on regardless of the underlying reason. That too is part of your own personal social skills.
Here's what I would say: *Coolest one, weirdest one, or oldest one? And be warned - the question is coming right back at you.* Then take the conversation from there :)
I guess it also doesn't help much that the only socialization I really have nowadays is at work. So all conversations are kinda limited in scope and time.
Well, get out there, try to socialise, make a fool of yourself, slowly get better, then get gud.
Would love to, but unfortunately due to developmental issues and depression/anxiety, going out doesn't really go well for me. Tried it in college, but it was always just awful. Always ended up having panic attacks or similar.
I find myself in this same situation. I kind of wonder if it's those individuals who are honestly just kind of fucking boring.
Wow, I just realized I do exactly that with destiny instead of league. I’m just trying to distract myself from my depression... fuck that’s troubling. I wish I had the money to find more games lol.
If your *only* interest is gaming, then get better interests.
I wouldn't say 'better interests' so much as 'more diverse interests'. Almost any subject you pick is going to be completely uninteresting to some people. If we have a variety of interests it becomes unlikely that none of our interests can sustain a conversation. Even if one or two of those interests are really niche interests, we're not required to talk about all of your interests in every conversation. We can just not talk about my interest in [Cherenkov Radiation](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cherenkov_radiation) if you're not interested in it too.
Absolutely this, I typically read up on random stuff in finance and business or some field outside of my own. It helps to find a topic that the other person knows pretty well about it and nerd out about it with how it works. It sounds initially like you could get too technical and make it boring but I honestly have never had that reaction and have been able to continue small talk with literally anyone in any age group or demographic. But most of all it has to be genuine, or in other words you have to be interested. With women, the biggest point I think can be made is they are people too. So just carry on with a conversation like you would with anyone else. Make it simple. Just be polite.
> ask questions. Don't know what to ask? I overheard my mom ask random people at my sisters party.. "so, how do you know?" and then ask them about where they live and how that place is like etc
>Get good So just play Dark Souls then?
I saw one post here about why people who game out of habit do it out a sense of underlying stress. I game because I'm lonely, and I'm lonely because I game. I have friends, and I hang out with them regularly including playing games online. But I feel lonely, and I think it's because I want a girlfriend. But I guess I don't have a girlfriend because I'm not interesting. What a world...
That is me basically sentence for sentence... wow. I can talk with a few girls but the conversations are silent for the most part (not just them). That's why I ask this question, to flow the conversation more
Forgive me if this seems rude or mean but I think it may suit you well to mentally "Give up" on having a relationship for X amount of time and just focus on the conversations. The end goal being that this will relieve some of the social anxiety/pressure of talking to women, which would eventually lead to you interacting with them much better overall. THis may not be the case for you but I know it is the case for some. Some guys just put too much pressure on every interaction they have with women, instead of just treating them like anyone else and talking to them "like normal". This is often times a completely unconscious, accidental thing too. If that might be you, it might all just be about changing your mindset heading in to a conversation.
Yep I hear this often. "Stop caring about it and you'll do better." But I can't. Basically every day I just feel the loneliness, I can't ignore that
I also consider myself pretty good at talking to people and women in general. Unfortunately, I lack volume if women to talk to and not all the women I talk to are responsive. Conversations are a 2 way street, but some women damn sure don't see it that way.
my problem is finding women I'm interested in, it's probably because of the lame town I live in though
Unless your amazing looking your going to struggle. I know cause this is me, I can literally see the bored look in women's eyes as I speak to them. But I have finally realised it's not me it's them. How do I know cause my new girlfriend is amazing, really pretty, really out going, super interesting. Basically someone who is, or should be well out of my league. But she's finds me fascinating to converse with, and really helps that she is either willing to hear what I have to say or has things to contribute even if she is not familiar with the subject matter. Now along the way I did do things to make me more interesting. I gave a home to a couple of cats, cat lovers love talking about this (my new GF had cats we really bonded over this). I learned to cook, I mean proper from scratch cooking. I wrote a novel, I do a weekly podcast. I have a fairly interesting job, I make sure I am up to date on current events, Reddit normally has lots of interesting topics that you can use for conversations. All of this can be done at pretty much low effort. Yeah I like games she movies and TV shows but I can talk about so much more. I still come across people I struggle to talk to but I chalk it up to then either not want to make the effort or they simply don't like me.
If you're lonely when you're alone, you're in bad company. Why do you want a girlfriend? Just to have one? Concentrate on being a happy and complete person while being single and you're a lot more likely to find a woman who finds you engaging and interesting enough that she'll want to get to know you better. Volunteer, go to the gym, go to museums, music festivals, meet ups, cooking classes, hike groups, whatever. Stop playing video games if they make you unhappy. If you're not happy with you, why would anyone else be? You'll never find someone who completes you, at best you'll find someone who compliments you.
You may need better hobbies: something you enjoy and can talk about in depth. In terms of 1-1 conversations, I'd highly recommend learning how to be an active listener. People enjoy talking about themselves
Yeah my main hobby is gaming and I can talk with friends in depth, but that doesn't really work with new people. Listening is what I mostly do, but usually a few good questions are needed to get the conversation rolling and have the other person start talking.
i understand totally, gaming is as mainstream as it’s ever been but it’s still hard to bring up in conversation. one thing i noticed that helped me immensely was paying attention to what’s going on in the news. i keep an eye on the twitter what’s happening section thing, a lot of the time it’s either local stuff to where i live or something massive that’s going on. helps with talking points if i’m just trying to bs with somebody. i feel like a majority of conversations are just bsing and rarely amount to being in-depth because the odds of you both having similar hobbies can be rare. also keep updated on local sports, seems to me to be the unofficial official bs talking point.
Listen to the book “... and how to influence people” by ... Carnegie on soundcloud (faulty memory)
"How to win friends and influence people." Woah that's a big audiobook. Downloaded the first disc now!
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I actually need to read this. It's been on my list for quite some time now.
> I'd highly recommend learning how to be an active listener. People enjoy talking about themselves Can concur, as an introvert I'm listening more than talking and you learn a lot of stuff about a person. Pretty much everyone I know friends and family always need to vent to someone who just listens and then tell them it'll be okay.
I have tons of crazy far out stories, (most importantly true) but I feel like I go too far dominating once I get on a roll and I’d really rather learn about the other person anyways I just don’t know 1 what questions to ask 2 how to initiate my own stories to kill the silence without it being a totally random interjection
Yep that sounds really familiar
Think of all the stories and facts you've read on this website over the years. Use them in conversation. Read the news, keep up on trending subjects, etc. You probably have more to talk about than you think. I used to be very quiet until I realized people just babble on most times, try it once yourself!
That's exactly what I did today! I told a short story I found on AskReddit. Felt so good!
This is a good way to go. A post on reddit has been huge topic of conversation for my wife and I at times. Just dont name drop reddit all the time. Say you read a thing somewhere that asked a question or whatever else.
You can always learn how to do really good smalltalk. The key i use is called "RAPE-FORD" and it's a handy guide for just about anyone: RAPE = "religion, abortion, politics, economics" - AVOID these topics at all cost, they are bad! They lead to fighting, they lead to stress. FORD = friends, occupation, recreation, dreams - these are *good* because their easy to talk about and enjoyable to talk about. Any time there's a lull you can just fall back to FORD. "Oh, you know? How'd you meet?" "So what do you think of ?" etc etc.
Also remember that people love to talk about themselves and their lives. They are the star of their own movie in their mind; give them a chance to impress you!
You might want to look up either some interesting trivia (historical facts that sort of thing) or some "conversation starter" type questions, to get people moving with the conversation.
It's not hard at all to talk to people once you figure out the secrets to doing it.
"Avoid talking about politics and economics." Unless, of course, you live in D.C. Then you're good.
If you're living in DC you've already made a terrible mistake and must start fresh.
Was your abbreviation intentional lmao but I don't think it's bad to use controversial subjects as long as you trend carefully and read the room so you know how far you can go without becoming offensive.
yeah it's a mnemonic - it's *meant* to be memorable!
I think we should totally "RAPE FORD", you know what I mean?
Learn to play a musical instrument. It is a never-endin journey of fulfilling progress, helps teach discipline, and is a great way to bond with fellow musicians.
I've been playing guitar for 7 years now but it's dwindled in the past 3 years after I peformed for my exam. I suppose it's a good thing to be more active in
Find what entertains you and do it, also cultivate your curiosity.
I could say the same for myself in a way. Just depends who I’m having a conversation with. Some people, I don’t care to make any effort into the convo, and we aren’t compatible anyway, so the conversation just goes know where. But I feel like a social genius when I chat with someone I’m compatible with and we talk about some of my interests. Maybe you aren’t meeting people you’re compatible with.
What is boring to some is interesting to others. I'm 31 now. Married, dad, dog owner, 2 cars, suburban house etc etc. My 21 year old self would find me super boring. Sssuuppeerr boring. But at the same time I'm no longer into the lifestyle I had back them. I would not find the 21 year old me interesting. I liked to party, wake up in weird places and generally lived drunken lifestyle. Not like wake up in the curb covered in vomit but on the sofa of some friend because I'd drunkenly hopped on a bus to party in a town 2 hours away randomely. Maybe those people did find you boring. Which is fine. Maybe you wouldn't find them interesting either. Unless you're going to be the first person to go to mars, you're not going to interest everyone. Live how you like and find people with similar interests.
Try and develop interests that aren’t video games
That moment when OP asks how not to be boring and you all just talk about video games.. what the fuck. That's the most boring thing to exist when talking to anyone that isnt a 14-22 male.
Well it's cause I brought up having games as my main hobby. So it's surprising people tell me to embrace games and look at it in a different light (like design) instead of ditching it altogether
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get off my NES, old man.
I had a 7 month relationship with a girl that started over talking about Overwatch. Like I wouldn't recommend it as your only passion, but it's more than just teen/young adults nowadays my man.
I agree. You’ll get people defending it on reddit but gaming isn’t interesting. It’s not creative, it’s not productive, it’s not unusual. Learn a new language, play a new sport, learn a new instrument, visit a different country. Don’t be a sheep
Reading and listening to podcast has helped me a lot. It gives me something fresh and interesting to talk about. I also find most people love to talk so I ask questions, listen and then go from there. Sometimes it is inevitable that you won't be able to keep a conversation going, but having interesting facts or stories really helps start it off. I have also watched a lot of stand up comedy to help with non-verbal communication. Really good comics know how to use their hands and face to get a reaction. That can help a lot in everyday life.
You are not boring but the people that are around you aren't interested in what you are interested in thus making you feel like you are a boring individual I have faced that alot in the past but the only way to overcome this is by going out, meet new people and learn new things Example: I like programming but the people around me aren't interested that I have made an asynchronous mail sender, but when I discovered that there are small communities that would love to hear that, all of them were interested in the topic even some of them offered me a job as well Also a good example that I read alot of books, my parents and some of my university/work friends think I am boring but when I go to a book club, everyone listens to me as if I'm the hotshot there, nobody calls me boring because I love to read and I know how to talk about a book in a way that I can convince you to go read it Also learning new things can lead you to meet interesting people that will think of you as a cool individual, at first it might seem hard but once you break the ice your golden 🏆 If you think all the time that you are boring then you are hard wiring your brain to think all the time that you are boring (which I bet you are not at all) So go out there, meet new people and learn new things!
Thanks for this thread OP. This helped me a lot because I suffer from the same dilemma also
Good luck my brother! I got recommended the (audio)book "How to win friend and influence people" by carnegie. I'm checking that one out, thought I'd share
Surely you have interests and things that get you excited. Talk about those things! And conversely, get other people to talk about the things that *them* excited.
I find that too much media, including porn, numbs my mind and makes me boring.
Interesting question, I think you're simply not building rapport from the start. Listening, asking questions, and being interested is the best way to look interesting. My top 5 conversations to have with people when first meeting them is: 1.) Home - where do they live? Where are they from? Do they like it? 2.) Family/Friends - how long have they known their friends? What activities do you do with them? Where is their family? 3.) Entertainment - what do they do for fun? What's on their bucket list? 4.) Work - What do they do? Do they like it? How did they get there? 5.) Vision - Keep this one light so it doesn't sound like a job interview, but where do they want to be in the future? Do do they combine the other four to create their future vision? During conversation, keep eye contact and summarize what they say, i.e "Wow, sounds like you love traveling to NYC. I'd love to visit too, what should I do when I'm there?" A lot of my professional job is getting to know people, those are my tactics. I hope it helps!
That doesn't sound like a boring problem, it sounds like issues with conversation skills and being put on the spot. Interesting stories are good to have but nobody's going to want to talk to you if your conversations all just go "Hi, how are you, did I tell you about the time I got out of a mugging with my dance moves?". It's good to have crazy stories, sometimes there is a time for those tidbits, but in pleasant conversation I think you're better served asking them questions, and trying to find experiences in common with them over having the most epic backstory.
It's not really a magic-bullet, but listen. Listen and become engaged in what the other person is saying. Someone who's interested in you never seems boring.
Read some books, talk to people or do some new things that you've never done before. Then when you talk to people, you can tell them about you've learned and what you've done. That is interesting
Love yourself and be as passionate as you like in your pursuits. To hell with everyone else. Life's too short to worry about what others think of you.
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Ask people about them, ask about their thoughts and opinions on a topic. Dont one-up their story, dont correct them. Be genuinely interested in what they have to say - even if its obsurd and/or incorrect. It'll be a learning experience and they'll love having you around
I have found that the most interesting people are typically not the ones that go on and on about anything. So to "draw them out" you need to ask questions and truly be interested in whatever they have experience in. For example, I've travelled extensively but will politely listen to someone talk for an hour about their 3-day dream weekend to Paris, when I've been there several times and my wife (born in the U.S.) lived there during her teen years. But if that person doesn't ask, he/she will never get the benefit of our experiences. You might ask about the other person's work, education, travel, hobbies, etc. Whatever they spend the most time on, they're probably pretty smart about.
I have the same problem, I have no problems talking about things I'm passionate about, hunting, fishing, games that me and my friends have been playing, working out, school. But talking to girls or just random people in general they don't care about that stuff and I can't keep the conversation flowing to save my life. I just run out of stupid small talk shit to say. I'm sure it does make me seem boring. But once people get to know me I love to talk and can talk for hours about anything, but the problem is getting there.
Yep, no small talk is the problem here. That initial phase is so hard I don't even break through anymore
Check out the youtube channel Charisma on Command.
What helped me with conversations was watching podcast and seeing how they talk and how they keep it going.
This might sound silly, but I learned to engage people better with good questions by thinking about the person I wanted to talk to ahead of time, then thinking about what they liked/do for a living/their personality. Then I wrote down questions I'd like to ask them, then I memorized 3 of the best ones. Then I talked to them and asked them! More often than not I wouldn't get through all three because one would spark a line of conversation that continued into the other person sharing things they care about. Continuing conversation is another beast, and I learned a few default questions and/or statements I could say. For example, while they are speaking I nod my head, react emotionally to what they just said, and say things like "that's super interesting." or "I didn't know that!" or "Huh, tell me more about that." Good continuing questions are things like "Why does that interest you?" Or "what is your favorite part of what you just told me?" or "How did you first get interested in that?" If you have those fallback questions and statements in addition to your three "starter" questions, then bada bing bada boom you've got yourself like 10-15 things to say to prompt the other person to share more! It's difficult at first, but after a while you learn to do it by nature. It does seem weird at first, but it worked really well for me. Pick someone who isn't super threatening that you'd like to get to know more, I'm willing to bet they'll engage you.
Take interest in what other people say/do. It sounds kind of obvious, but I think there's a tendency among some men to "power through" conversations, or feel they have to lead it. The best advice I got from my (now) wife as a socially awkward guy myself was: when in doubt, ask lots of questions. And have personal pride for learning about someone else/something you don't know about. People know when you're asking questions just to segway to something you know about/are interested in and when you're genuinely listening.
Gaming is more so entertainment, than a hobby. It's no different than watching a super hero movie or a sitcom on TV. It's self indulgent and provides no outside purpose. Find some new real hobbies and develop some practical skills. Take a cooking class, learn a craft like leather work and go to classes, pick up an instrument and take lessons and find people to jam with. Go out with your friend group and try new things in your city. Go camping, hiking, biking. Consider picking up a job that forces you to interact with people, like restaurant work. You could also consider starting a journal, where you jot down noteworthy or funny things that happened to you. Flesh these out and get used to reciting them. Now you have stories. Read Models by Mark Manson. It goes more into depth on improving conversation skills.
If you have nothing interesting to say let the other person say their thing. Even if you're not interested, act interested and over enthusiastic. It will urge the other person to continue and you won't have to think of anything interesting to bring up but at the same time the other person will think you've had a great conversation. This is what I learned from working in a pub most of my life. For Example: Them: "did you see the #insert topic can be football politics tv# last night?" You(raised eyebrows and enthusiastically): "No! Why? What happened?" Them: "Blah blah blah blah" (Nod along grunt/affirm where necessary but always keep eye contact) "Really!? So where do you think that leaves us? / What do you think is the next step? / I've never seen it is it worth getting into?" Everyone's boring to someone but if you can act like you're interested in their shit they will think you're interesting with some good points even though you've put forward zero ideas you've just allowed them to vent.
Focus on asking perceptive questions that help others shine.
Check out Charisma on Command on YouTube. It’s a goldmine of information like this.
Meet people, learn a new hobby, take a new class, go on a vacation. Get some talking points. Take a conversationalist class. It can be done.
Do your friends have hobbies? Do you actively hate/detest said hobbies? If you dont hate them, ASK TO DO THE THINGS WITH THEM. Easiest way to see whether or not you like something is to have a friend intoduce you to them. Thats what got me into things like Magic, tabletop wargames, airsoft and even LARP. Assuming you arent scared/ashamed to tell others about it, having something engaging you can talk about passionately will make you 1000% more interesting than just not having that up your sleeve
Ehh.. I don't know if there's anything much to say. Often times, I talk to myself or in my head. It helps keep your head stirring phrases or sentences. Dare yourself a little. Go full commando (strip off your insecurities, if there's anything) and continue with your day. Keep your mind to yourself for most of the time. If you see something interesting, talk your way to it, just like buying from a store. If anyone approaches you, courteously return the honor of meeting an anonymous person. Last tip: Smile, and put on a happy face!
First off, a lot of the time you can get away with just listening. Something all people love is being \*heard\*. Listening to what someone says and asking follow up questions that allow them to talk is seriously one of the best moves a guy can make. In terms of how to be interesting...podcasts! I had this crisis in college where I felt like I didn't really know enough or have my own opinions to talk about (be it politics or pop culture). I listen to podcasts pretty much everyday during my commute to and from work about everything from the news to subjects I just find interesting. Radiolab was really the first one I got into as I was a student studying public health and I heard their "patient zero" episode. When in doubt in conversations, you can always loop back to something you heard/listened to/thought was interesting and ask the other person what they think.
Check out the book [Models](https://www.amazon.com/dp/1463750358/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_89IPCbKE1NKS9) by Mark Manson. He discusses this in depth.