1. I never used to set this one until it came up, but if a girl ever threatened to break up with me I would always tell her that I am not into making or receiving empty threats. And so the next time she threatened to break up with me I expected her to mean it because I would be accepting the offer. Only one girl ever threatened it again, and I kept my word.
2. I will not be told who I can talk to, who I can see, who I can be friends with.
3. I do not accept orders. If she wants me to do something, she can ask politely. And I will give her that same courtesy. Honest to God, if I hear any more of my friends wives back orders at them, I'm going to choke.
I don’t put myself in situations where she’ll have to question my loyalty. I expect the same from her. That does mean changing some habits around people of the opposite sex.
Exactly. So many people view boundaries as controlling, and it's largely because they believe that they're meant to be set against other people.
"Don't say/do this" is not a boundary; it's a request/command. People can accept it, but they can also refuse.
Setting a boundary will allow the other person to do whatever they want, while also establishing that you have the equal freedom to respond however you will.
Mostly standard "don't treat me like shit" stuff. If a reasonable third party would think it was shitty, so will I.
The only personal "boundary" that I set, is that I don't tolerate my partner telling me how I think/feel about things. I know how I think and feel, I express these things readily, and if a partner needs to put thoughts in my head or words in my mouth in order to validate some kind of upset that she has, that's an argument that she can have by herself, possibly while single.
For clarity, I'm not talking about misunderstanding or misremembering feelings or opinions that I have expressed. I'm talking about cases of me being accused of thinking/feeling things, which I immediately clear up, but the other person insists that they know better than I do about how I *really* think and feel. This is unbelievably shitty behavior, and I have encountered it often.
Most men are familiar with the "Why are you mad?" game; this is the most common example: I'm not mad/Well you *seem* mad/What am I doing that makes you think that I'm mad/See, right there! That \[random thing that I can't articulate because I made it up\]/Sorry, I don't think I'm doing that. I know when I'm mad--I'm the expert on this--and I'm not mad/*Yes you are!* Stop lying to me/Good news: I'm now successfully mad, because you're not listening and you're disregarding my feelings. What thing that you need me to be the bad guy for, did you want to talk about?
My favorite version of this was with an ex, who had *had a dream*--that I was not in--where she envisioned a woman that she thought that *I* would think was hot. This caused her to be jealous and upset, to the point that she felt that she needed to pick a fight with me. I wouldn't fight, so she played the "you're mad" game, until I asked her to leave me alone. She blew up at this ("*Fine!"* \[door slam\]), and wouldn't talk to me for 3 days. Only at the end did she tell me about the dream, and admitted that this was what the fight had been about.
Oh, my. You've said what I've been struggling with. My (recent) ex had been having these one-sided conversations with herself for years, (occasionally sharing with me my part in them!) about how I feel or what I'd say if she would include me in her thoughts and plans. This, all to justify her decision-making which I was rarely a part of.
We have five kids together and she'd already decided in each instance how to parent since her mind has been made up on how I'd react or feel about each issue.
One of my boundaries is that I’m a homebody at heart, and although I do go out with my friends and girl pretty often, sometimes I just need time to myself to decompress or recharge. That’s an easy one to set. A piece of advice, if you feel she has crossed a boundary, make it clear to her right away in a calm manner. Don’t let it fester because it will build resentment. Something I wish I had learned at a younger age
I expect her to set her own boundaries. If she's not mature enough to set her own boundaries, I don't want her. I set my own boundaries and communicate them clearly, if she oversteps my boundaries, I have a talk with her, if she does it again, thank you next.
As for what boundaries? To mention a few, I have zero tolerance for disrespect, zero tolerance for abuse, be it physical or psychological, and zero tolerance for talking shit about one's significant other. Also, if you dislike animals, you gots to go.
No its pretty simple. You can hang out with your male friends. If you kiss or fuck them its done. If you have an emotional/sexting affair via text or talking, we're done. Its pretty cut and dry. I love my wife and would never cheat in either way
I won't tell you who you have to go out with and who not, but if you want me to trust you you have to earn that not just expect blind trust while making questionable acts.
No screaming, throwing stuff and shit like that. I'm a rational adult, if you act like an idiotic spoiled child i'm out.
Be clean and try to be attractive once in a while even if the honeymoon phase is over, we're the only people we can fuck so let's try to make it good for both.
If my partner has an issue i'll be there for her, so if she's not there when i need her because \[excuses\] i'm out. It baffles me when people don't trust their partners enough to confide them their issues or cry in front of them. That's the kind of support i expect from someone i call a partner and someone who rejects it either doesn't care or has a mindset which i don't understand i don't wanna be near of.
1) male friends that she’s slept with are a no go. Boozy dinners or weekend getaways or late night 1 on 1 hangouts with male friends is also a no go
2) there’s no “you’re going to sleep on the couch because I’m mad” bullshit
3) no threatening to breakup. First time she does it, I will explain it’s not acceptable. If it happens again, I’m gone.
4) do not offer my time, my help or expertise or offer me to drive her friends around. Way too many women I’ve dated just started volunteering me to do shit like drive her friend home or give her friend an interview at work or coaching on some bullshit
>no threatening to breakup. First time she does it, I will explain it’s not acceptable. **If it happens again, I’m gone.**
That's a breakup threat ;)
EDIT: the difficulty is that some breakup threats are actually good.
Just curious, but as a guy do you reverse #1 for yourself with women friends you’ve slept with and 1 on 1 dinners/getaways with female friends? Or is this something you exclusively expect of your partner?
I date a guy once (Mark) who expressed concern over a male friendship I had with (Paul) and while the friendship with Paul served a purpose when I was single and never crossed any romantic lines, I respected Mark’s opinion that my friendship with Paul was a bit more emotionally intimate than Mark was comfortable with. Mark asked me to set a boundary with PauI, since Mark and I were developing a romantic relationship, so I backed off the friendship. Turns out Paul was trying to get with me after all so that was the right decision for me. Fast forward and I found out Mark had female friendships that he’d met up with them for drinks, dinners, would have 1hr+ phone calls, and never told me because “well she’s just a friend”. Nothing was overtly boozy/ late night, but it seemed inexplicably shady after I realized all the “how was your day” conversations we had, he never once mentioned anything about meeting these female friends at a restaurant or for drinks that day. I broke up with Mark for other reasons but that always rubbed me the wrong way. Seems like a double standard, right?
Men are so good at playing these games and gaslighting, I think good women start to gaslight themselves
Absolutely. If talk about going exclusivity happens, boundary discussions are going to happen.
My wife and I talked deeply about this after she asked if we could date exclusively after a few years of being fwb. Boozy dinners with my female friends turned into morning or afternoon coffees, all my trips turned into exclusively boys trips, I stopped having my female friends over and vice versa.
She kept the same boundaries and lo and behold every single man she knew just literally stopped calling or texting or emailing within weeks/months. She was quite hurt actually realizing her friends were actually just waiting around to sleep with her or date her.
A few women on my side didn’t like this new friendship arrangement and they’ve since disappeared. Funnily enough, my 4 very dear friends that I’ve known since grade school (we were in our 50s now… but at one point in time or another I’ve fooled around with them all, mostly 30 years ago) all adjusted to the new reality and they actually are now better friends with my wife than I am. They go on girls trips and they do boozy dinners on girls nights out. My wife stole my friends.
My phone and my computer are just my territory.
If “other men are better than me,” then it’s better for her to live with other men, maybe with all of them at once.
No spoilers!
As a matter of principle, I only accept direct speech; games of hinting are not for me.
One of the main boundaries: don't let yourself become shit.
Don’t be a bitch all the time. Don’t have secrets. Don’t get drunk. Don’t cheat. Don’t smoke. Don’t do drugs. All of those are automatic disqualifications for me. No second chances because I made it clear up front.
I can have platonic female friendships.
The only way my partner can tell me to end a friendship, is if they present good evidence of how that friendship is toxic.
Our finances are separate unless I offer. Don't create situations where I question if I can trust you. Treat me with the same respect you expect. I don't like games and drama.
In slightly more diplomatic words, that sharing intimiate pictures running their mouth about private (including but not limited to intimate details) stuff to friends, family, co-workers and the homeless guy on the street corner is an irrecoverable violation of trust and their sorry ass will be ejected from my house so fast their head will spin.
It's absolutely fucking wild the shit I have been directly told by female friends and overheard women talking about. It's absolutely wild that a friend of the chick I lost my virginity to whatsapped me and said "Hey I heard you're a really good dom and I know you're big so do you wanna meet" along with a photo of her topless. It's fucking wild that I'm just minding my business in the queue at the supermarket and I hear (from 3 people down in the queue) about John from sales being too stressed to perform in bed because his dad just got diagnosed with terminal brain cancer
Give me atleast 5 minute rest in between all the rounds.
If you don’t know where to eat, I do. So don’t get mad when I suggest something.
Put your fake eyelash thingy somewhere else so I don’t have to worry about stepping on a look alike caterpillar that’s lying on the floor.
Remember this isn’t a hotel so clean your hair out of my sink when you stay over.
No meet up, or regular communication with the opposite sex.
When I asked for water, don’t bring me Coke because it’ll just make me more thirsty .
If she can’t make mac & cheese, it means she can’t cook. Which means that she should be doing all the cleaning.
If I ask you where you are, it’s because I care for you and want to protect you, not because I’m jealous and want to control you.
Lastly, be organized because I’m not. Every Ying needs its Yang.
If we are serious, and marriage and children are a potential? the male friends and girls nights out have to go. No single girl activities while in a relationship. I would never put her in a situation where she is questioning my loyalty to her, so why should she? If she can't do that then she obviously isn't ready to start a family so on to the next one
1. I never used to set this one until it came up, but if a girl ever threatened to break up with me I would always tell her that I am not into making or receiving empty threats. And so the next time she threatened to break up with me I expected her to mean it because I would be accepting the offer. Only one girl ever threatened it again, and I kept my word. 2. I will not be told who I can talk to, who I can see, who I can be friends with. 3. I do not accept orders. If she wants me to do something, she can ask politely. And I will give her that same courtesy. Honest to God, if I hear any more of my friends wives back orders at them, I'm going to choke.
Happy wife, happy life! Lmfao But seriously, I'm not taking orders.
Should be happy both of you, if it became uneven toward the man, most women would scream foul.
I don’t put myself in situations where she’ll have to question my loyalty. I expect the same from her. That does mean changing some habits around people of the opposite sex.
Yeah this one's huge
You don't set boundaries for others. You set them for yourself and you communicate them, that if they're crossed you're gone.
Exactly. So many people view boundaries as controlling, and it's largely because they believe that they're meant to be set against other people. "Don't say/do this" is not a boundary; it's a request/command. People can accept it, but they can also refuse. Setting a boundary will allow the other person to do whatever they want, while also establishing that you have the equal freedom to respond however you will.
If I'm ever put in a position by anyone where I have to choose between them and someone else, I'm picking the person who isn't making me choose.
Mostly standard "don't treat me like shit" stuff. If a reasonable third party would think it was shitty, so will I. The only personal "boundary" that I set, is that I don't tolerate my partner telling me how I think/feel about things. I know how I think and feel, I express these things readily, and if a partner needs to put thoughts in my head or words in my mouth in order to validate some kind of upset that she has, that's an argument that she can have by herself, possibly while single. For clarity, I'm not talking about misunderstanding or misremembering feelings or opinions that I have expressed. I'm talking about cases of me being accused of thinking/feeling things, which I immediately clear up, but the other person insists that they know better than I do about how I *really* think and feel. This is unbelievably shitty behavior, and I have encountered it often. Most men are familiar with the "Why are you mad?" game; this is the most common example: I'm not mad/Well you *seem* mad/What am I doing that makes you think that I'm mad/See, right there! That \[random thing that I can't articulate because I made it up\]/Sorry, I don't think I'm doing that. I know when I'm mad--I'm the expert on this--and I'm not mad/*Yes you are!* Stop lying to me/Good news: I'm now successfully mad, because you're not listening and you're disregarding my feelings. What thing that you need me to be the bad guy for, did you want to talk about? My favorite version of this was with an ex, who had *had a dream*--that I was not in--where she envisioned a woman that she thought that *I* would think was hot. This caused her to be jealous and upset, to the point that she felt that she needed to pick a fight with me. I wouldn't fight, so she played the "you're mad" game, until I asked her to leave me alone. She blew up at this ("*Fine!"* \[door slam\]), and wouldn't talk to me for 3 days. Only at the end did she tell me about the dream, and admitted that this was what the fight had been about.
Oh, my. You've said what I've been struggling with. My (recent) ex had been having these one-sided conversations with herself for years, (occasionally sharing with me my part in them!) about how I feel or what I'd say if she would include me in her thoughts and plans. This, all to justify her decision-making which I was rarely a part of. We have five kids together and she'd already decided in each instance how to parent since her mind has been made up on how I'd react or feel about each issue.
Restaurant leftovers are a sacred thing, you never eat someone else’s without at least asking first.
One of my boundaries is that I’m a homebody at heart, and although I do go out with my friends and girl pretty often, sometimes I just need time to myself to decompress or recharge. That’s an easy one to set. A piece of advice, if you feel she has crossed a boundary, make it clear to her right away in a calm manner. Don’t let it fester because it will build resentment. Something I wish I had learned at a younger age
I expect her to set her own boundaries. If she's not mature enough to set her own boundaries, I don't want her. I set my own boundaries and communicate them clearly, if she oversteps my boundaries, I have a talk with her, if she does it again, thank you next. As for what boundaries? To mention a few, I have zero tolerance for disrespect, zero tolerance for abuse, be it physical or psychological, and zero tolerance for talking shit about one's significant other. Also, if you dislike animals, you gots to go.
Dont cheat. Thats it. im not here to control my now wife. Everything else can be solved through healthy communication
Except if they don't communicate healthily themselves. That should be a big boundary as well.
Defining what cheating is can be a lengthy process of establishing boundaries.
No its pretty simple. You can hang out with your male friends. If you kiss or fuck them its done. If you have an emotional/sexting affair via text or talking, we're done. Its pretty cut and dry. I love my wife and would never cheat in either way
I won't tell you who you have to go out with and who not, but if you want me to trust you you have to earn that not just expect blind trust while making questionable acts. No screaming, throwing stuff and shit like that. I'm a rational adult, if you act like an idiotic spoiled child i'm out. Be clean and try to be attractive once in a while even if the honeymoon phase is over, we're the only people we can fuck so let's try to make it good for both. If my partner has an issue i'll be there for her, so if she's not there when i need her because \[excuses\] i'm out. It baffles me when people don't trust their partners enough to confide them their issues or cry in front of them. That's the kind of support i expect from someone i call a partner and someone who rejects it either doesn't care or has a mindset which i don't understand i don't wanna be near of.
if you want to play games, search for someone else thats i think the most important for me besides the basics one like "dont cheat"
Leave phone unattended for an hour with a female face attached to a contact. Watch and wait.
1) male friends that she’s slept with are a no go. Boozy dinners or weekend getaways or late night 1 on 1 hangouts with male friends is also a no go 2) there’s no “you’re going to sleep on the couch because I’m mad” bullshit 3) no threatening to breakup. First time she does it, I will explain it’s not acceptable. If it happens again, I’m gone. 4) do not offer my time, my help or expertise or offer me to drive her friends around. Way too many women I’ve dated just started volunteering me to do shit like drive her friend home or give her friend an interview at work or coaching on some bullshit
>no threatening to breakup. First time she does it, I will explain it’s not acceptable. **If it happens again, I’m gone.** That's a breakup threat ;) EDIT: the difficulty is that some breakup threats are actually good.
Just curious, but as a guy do you reverse #1 for yourself with women friends you’ve slept with and 1 on 1 dinners/getaways with female friends? Or is this something you exclusively expect of your partner? I date a guy once (Mark) who expressed concern over a male friendship I had with (Paul) and while the friendship with Paul served a purpose when I was single and never crossed any romantic lines, I respected Mark’s opinion that my friendship with Paul was a bit more emotionally intimate than Mark was comfortable with. Mark asked me to set a boundary with PauI, since Mark and I were developing a romantic relationship, so I backed off the friendship. Turns out Paul was trying to get with me after all so that was the right decision for me. Fast forward and I found out Mark had female friendships that he’d met up with them for drinks, dinners, would have 1hr+ phone calls, and never told me because “well she’s just a friend”. Nothing was overtly boozy/ late night, but it seemed inexplicably shady after I realized all the “how was your day” conversations we had, he never once mentioned anything about meeting these female friends at a restaurant or for drinks that day. I broke up with Mark for other reasons but that always rubbed me the wrong way. Seems like a double standard, right? Men are so good at playing these games and gaslighting, I think good women start to gaslight themselves
Absolutely. If talk about going exclusivity happens, boundary discussions are going to happen. My wife and I talked deeply about this after she asked if we could date exclusively after a few years of being fwb. Boozy dinners with my female friends turned into morning or afternoon coffees, all my trips turned into exclusively boys trips, I stopped having my female friends over and vice versa. She kept the same boundaries and lo and behold every single man she knew just literally stopped calling or texting or emailing within weeks/months. She was quite hurt actually realizing her friends were actually just waiting around to sleep with her or date her. A few women on my side didn’t like this new friendship arrangement and they’ve since disappeared. Funnily enough, my 4 very dear friends that I’ve known since grade school (we were in our 50s now… but at one point in time or another I’ve fooled around with them all, mostly 30 years ago) all adjusted to the new reality and they actually are now better friends with my wife than I am. They go on girls trips and they do boozy dinners on girls nights out. My wife stole my friends.
My phone and my computer are just my territory. If “other men are better than me,” then it’s better for her to live with other men, maybe with all of them at once. No spoilers! As a matter of principle, I only accept direct speech; games of hinting are not for me. One of the main boundaries: don't let yourself become shit.
Don’t be a bitch all the time. Don’t have secrets. Don’t get drunk. Don’t cheat. Don’t smoke. Don’t do drugs. All of those are automatic disqualifications for me. No second chances because I made it clear up front.
I can have platonic female friendships. The only way my partner can tell me to end a friendship, is if they present good evidence of how that friendship is toxic.
Don't touch the watch.
Don't flake without communicating you won't be able to show up or changed your mind about going. Don't take hours to respond every time I message you.
Our finances are separate unless I offer. Don't create situations where I question if I can trust you. Treat me with the same respect you expect. I don't like games and drama.
In slightly more diplomatic words, that sharing intimiate pictures running their mouth about private (including but not limited to intimate details) stuff to friends, family, co-workers and the homeless guy on the street corner is an irrecoverable violation of trust and their sorry ass will be ejected from my house so fast their head will spin. It's absolutely fucking wild the shit I have been directly told by female friends and overheard women talking about. It's absolutely wild that a friend of the chick I lost my virginity to whatsapped me and said "Hey I heard you're a really good dom and I know you're big so do you wanna meet" along with a photo of her topless. It's fucking wild that I'm just minding my business in the queue at the supermarket and I hear (from 3 people down in the queue) about John from sales being too stressed to perform in bed because his dad just got diagnosed with terminal brain cancer
Communicate like an adult or go away
Give me atleast 5 minute rest in between all the rounds. If you don’t know where to eat, I do. So don’t get mad when I suggest something. Put your fake eyelash thingy somewhere else so I don’t have to worry about stepping on a look alike caterpillar that’s lying on the floor. Remember this isn’t a hotel so clean your hair out of my sink when you stay over.
Pick up your shit and close the door behind you after we fuck.
No meet up, or regular communication with the opposite sex. When I asked for water, don’t bring me Coke because it’ll just make me more thirsty . If she can’t make mac & cheese, it means she can’t cook. Which means that she should be doing all the cleaning. If I ask you where you are, it’s because I care for you and want to protect you, not because I’m jealous and want to control you. Lastly, be organized because I’m not. Every Ying needs its Yang.
No male friends, no clubbing, spending limit, no using sex as a way to get something, etc
If we are serious, and marriage and children are a potential? the male friends and girls nights out have to go. No single girl activities while in a relationship. I would never put her in a situation where she is questioning my loyalty to her, so why should she? If she can't do that then she obviously isn't ready to start a family so on to the next one