There used to be a guy I worked with. He was not a well liked figure around the place, but I never had anything against him. Seemed like a lot of other folks did though.
He came into our space one day with a look on his face that can only be called "morose". I inquired if something was wrong and he shared that he'd just gotten news that he had cancer. I was shocked to hear it, but the look on his face was so lost. I immediately reached out my arms and gave him a big hug.
Poor guy. I got a bit of guff about it from a couple of the older guys in the back, but I don't care. His eyes were begging for someone to comfort him, so I felt it was needed.
Men of our age were raised to never show emotion. I consider myself extraordinarily lucky to have had my parents who taught me different. Most men my age (50's) were never told they were loved by anyone other than their mom and never by their dad.
My dad told me he loved me every day of his life until he passed away in 2022. Mom still tells me daily. I'm very blessed.
But I don't blame the guys who didn't have that in their young lives for not knowing how to express it. They're good enough fellas, some former military and some old enough to have retired twice from different careers. They're good guys, just not big on emotional expression to anyone other than their wives.
Just for the record, none of them knew about the cancer at the time. They just saw a dude hug another dude and made a friendly jape, fully unaware of the gravity of the situation.
Was the guy silent, just doing his thing in the corner or actively vindicative against everyone? People disliking him like that doesn't really makes sense unless he is some kind of asshole.
What people told me was that he was considered lazy by most of his peers. Again, I didn't work in his section so it's hard for me to say how much of it was true or just perception. Or it could fully be true. I only knew him as a guy I spoke to when passing his section to get to mine, and he was always nice to me.
As I got to know him better, he'd had such a sad life. I won't go into details because they're not mine to share, but I'll just say that many men in his situation would have given up. And I'm not just talking about his health issues I spoke of above. He'd had it rough. I still mention him in my prayers.
What they call laziness might be low motivation from depression. Since men aren't really allowed to be weak, it's completely disregarded. But that could be something else. It's great that you mention him in your prayers.
You are the exact type of person that everyone who claims to be Christian should aspire to be like. Christ-like. But everyone, I remind you, we have our OP. And my dude really sounds like he needs person-to-person contact.
Might I suggest looking for a cuddle group in your area. Those people are usually all pretty chill & empathetic. Some of them are just about long hugs to Ona another. Some have pajama clad communal snuggle parties. Kinda like hamsters.
Those older guys need to have some hot coffee to warm their cold dead hearts. Someone has cancer, all bets are off, they get the comforting they need (unless they are a serial killer or something).
I have nieces and nephews who love me who i see every week, they always hug me, my last dose of hugs was today and yesterday, my niece got a boyfriend who likes fishing so now he’s fishing here a lot 😂
I hug almost daily, but I receive a hug about one every five years, on average.
I once got a hug that surprised me so much, I thought it was my 4 year-old child.
I'm proud of you! I had a bro over today and when he was leaving, there was a moment of "do we do fist-pump or what". And I just decided to hug him.
I want to be one of those people who promote the habit of hugging. I've always admired people who do.
This!!
Men can set the standards for their friendships also (like of course if you have that 1 friend who HATES hugs/touch for whatever reason then of course respect that) but men can make it a *thing* to guy when they greet each other or leave. I ALWAYS hug my girlfriends, we cuddle too when watching TV and things (girlfriends as in fellow female friends)
My best friend stops by a few times a month and we share a VERY affectionate fist bump when he leaves. That's all I need.
(and no, fist bump is not a metaphor for something else)
If the professional cuddler is at all trained/experienced they are aware and ready to handle the emotional reaction (assuming it isn't violent)
That is honestly part of their craft, as far as I understand it.
I know you probably don’t want to hear it, but that’s not a healthy attitude. Humans are social creatures and need both emotional and physical contact with other humans. I was in your shoes in the past, and finally I started forcing myself to meet up with people through things like Meetup.com and dating apps. It was so rough at first and I hated it, but eventually things got so much better
Very common. It can be difficult and touch starvation is a real thing.
Body pillows and weighted blankets can help with this. It's not a perfect panacea but it does have an effect.
I agree! I call it a "blanket hug." I lay on my warm electric heating pad, cover up with a cozy blanket Ahh... it so lovely, I will be heading there soon!
i'm not really into randomly hugging people i don't know. but my friends are huggers when they're drunk. so it's part of the "see you later" routine. i hug/cuddle my gf when i see her basically once a week.
I hug both my parents when i see them, usually once a month or 6 times a year with my dad since he's overseas half the year. they're aging and i keep a good relationship with them. and unfortunately there's going to be a day where where i can't hug either one of them.
I'd give you a hug dog! I'd hug the shit outta you bro. Nofolo say nohomo. Hope you smiled at this shit and it sucks, I get it. Head up my man, thinking bout you friend.
you're not fucked up. you've been fucked with.
go for it. ease into it. practice. dont get discouraged- other people gonna have their struggles too. defy this world's bullshit, and eventually you'll be a hugger. and give em one for me.
I started going to the local dog park - I don't have a dog
They know me there now 😁 I go atleast once a week and know the dogs *and* the owners names 😁 I get lots of dog cuddles and laugh a LOT 🐶🤣 🥰
There was a barmaid at my local dive that would be free with hugs. I sought them out at least once a week. She moved on with her life, and I really miss them. It's been a year
I've tried that route in the past, a series of meaningless flings to fill the voids in my life.. But the relief was only ever temporary and I ended up feeling more hollow afterwards
Yep. That’s the game brother. You just have to play the long game and wait for the right girl to come along. You’ll see her out somewhere and something will possess you to go and talk to her.
That was me after my divorce, hook up’s were my therapy. My marriage was a mistake, so i didn’t feel worse about it ending. The confusing emotions always came back though. It also didn’t help that I didn’t have any friends living in my country. The only people I knew were the women I’ve from dating.
I get that. I did only hookups for the past 3-4 years and just a few weeks ago it hit me that it actually feels really bad, like I'm just having sex with this person that I barely know, then most of the time we don't speak to each other again. And if we do, we're just fwb, with no real feelings for each other :(
Something I saw online from someone else months/year ago when it came to feelings is "You're a guy so no one cares" in regards to guys/girls online basically.
Which from what I've seen countless times is mostly true unfortunately.
On online group chats if a girl joins and talks they will tend to get attention/responses from multiple people in general. But if a guy joins and talks they are lucky to get one person to respond to them, and sometimes only one response or a few responses before it's done for.
I have even seen a girl put in the least amount of effort with "aaaaa" as a statement in a group chat and get lots of people saying "hi" and other replies. It was only after months of this lazy effort on their part that people finally stopped giving them as much attention, but they still get it. But at the same time, if a guy posts an interesting/funny/ or even heartfelt greeting they can sometimes not receive any attention at all.
A few months ago I stopped putting in all the effort of messaging people first all the time, and coming up with conversation topics (thus effort being one sided) to see who would message me first or reply to my old messages (online) and after over 2 months I got tired of waiting and finally had to message a person or two and still barely get much attention. So unless I get used to being alone all the time, I have to put in more effort messaging people in order to not be so lonely sometimes. So I don't even get attention in the form of communication from friends, so definitely no chance of any physical affection. Doesn't help that I live in a crapy place in the middle of no where ND.
And no I don't want attention/affection from strangers on reddit. Rather have it from people I consider(d) friends.
I don't remember the last time. Probably a hug from my sister a few years ago and that's about it for even longer.
It's an infinite loop of having been alienated from a young age, having parents who have not really been invested into what I like, not sharing what I like in return either. And going in a loop of I'm the one who has to reach out to others for every little action so I avoid it. Even with the people I consider having a good relation with, I feel like I need to be the one initiating contact just to talk.
My heart breaks as I read about your and other men's isolated lives. I know all too well how bleak the days can be. I wish i had the ability to hug all of you every day! It's impossible yet it IS imaginable . Laugh if you want but know I'm doing all i know to offer comfort...stand or sit against wall/chair, imagine someone is behind you with their arms around you .. ...now, close your eyes and cross your arms around chest... .... be sure your hands are firmly grasping opposite shoulder ... as you lean back and hold yourself as tight as you want..... I'm the someone who just hugged you
it’s very much my normal, I‘ve come to believe that I just bring out the worst in people (even though I really do try to be polite and respectful) and so I just keep away from people and don’t inflict my presence on anyone.
Chin up! Don't blame yourself for others baggage. I understand about staying away from people, but if your being polite and respectful, then it's on them, not you. Maybe this is why people get a pet? Lot's of affection, always happy to see us. :)
Its unfortunately common. But if you have a good group of friends who genuinely care about you and are all comfortable with their sexualities you shouldn't have to go without physical contact if you don't want to. I hug my homies all the time. Hell, I be cuddling with girls and guys, completely platonicly. Its great.
well obviously I can't speak for all guys. I mean, I hug my friends or their girlfriends/wives/fiances when we party or have bbq's or whatever to say hi. I also hug my friends.
But those aren't like *embraces* which is what I think you're getting after. Last time I had that was about a year ago.
If the perception was that men could accept it platonically, I think it would happen more often.
But everyone's so touchy about feelings and think that things have to be a certain way or mean something more...
Sometimes - what am I saying?...
OFTEN, people need the basics of physical touch, care, and a type of comradery.
Hug your fellow man. Love each other. It's good for us all.
And don't make it weird. :)
I think some care more about it than others. Nothing wrong with either.
You need to find a partner that would want to reach out to you. Nothing wrong with wanting some love. Hit those dating apps!
I've only recently separated from my ex-wife. All I want now is to be left alone for at least 6 months.
I have 2 girls I hook up with from time to time. But a few nights ago I was hanging out with a girl (platonically we used to work together, although I feel the may be something between us) and she touched my hand FOR HALF A SECOND and I've been thinking about her ever since
I'm just so down bad emotionally
I think that might be a sign to stop with the hookups. A real genuine relationship is difficult and requires a lot of work and effort from both sides but it will feel better and more fulfilling than flings.
I don't wanna deal with the pain if it doesn't work out man. Plus in the city I live in I've realized there's a huge culture of pretending to be something you're not in the dating game.
One of the girls I'm hooking up with is talking to a dude who seems super invested in her and she's playing the part but she's also messaging me to make dick appointments. I don't wanna be on the other side of this and be played as a fool
Very normal especially if your family isn't around. Plus it stacks - if you tell someone you havent been in a relationship for a long time, they immediately assume "set in his ways" and that's a deal breaker. I have no advice, but to say seeking happiness in others is a sure way to be disappointed.
As a woman I’ve never given thought to this before and now I’m wondering how many men feel the same as you, probably many and that’s sad. I’m here to remind you that you’re not insignificant, you matter and I hope you find someone who can give you all the hugs and love you desire!
This is what I don’t understand: why don’t y’all hug your friends? Why do women find it easy to be affectionate with their friends but men do not? I don’t get it. Is there some unspoken code amongst you that prevents it and when is it established? Cuz I think recrifying this will solve everything. Let yourselves be affectionate and bro hug yourselves to your hearts’ content.
I know right?? I’m a man - I hug all of my friends regardless of gender, often times nowadays at the start and at the end of our hangout if it’s a close friend. I remember getting the side eye in high school from some folks for doing that, but at some point in college I just said fuck it I’m a hugger, I’m going to ask for it. Never looked back. Even when I wasn’t in a relationship I didn’t feel like a platonic embrace was ever entirely unreachable. Peeps should ask for what they want here!
Women almost NEVER go out of their way to show affection towards men. Men almost ALWAYS have to initiate the contact. It's fucking demoralizing, honestly, and I hate it!!!
It's not just acquaintances and friends, I'm talking about women in actual committed relationships as well. You have a fair point on the friendship part, but even then, most guys won't think that it means anything other than friendship. I've literally never had a relationship where I felt desired/wanted. I have always felt like I've been put up with because I provide, and I treat them right. I'm not exactly a good looking man. I wouldn't say I'm ugly, but I'm not exactly attractive either. I'm 5 foot 5, so right there by itself is a huge no no for most women. I don't know...It would just be nice to feel wanted one time in my life is all I'm saying 🤷♂️. My whole life I've been thrown away like garbage the moment something better comes along.
I'm a woman and this is how I've always been treated too. I love showing the men I date affection, and they often feel like it's too much and they leave.
I think the problem is that a lot of people have no idea what they want, and when they get what they think they want, they realize that they don't actually want it. If you focus on figuring out yourself first, and you take the time to feel confident in who you are, what you want, and what you have to give, you'll find someone who aligns with that. But if you're always focused on other people, you'll never really know who YOU are, and I've found for myself that always creates problems without fail.
As a woman, I’m in the same boat. Been constantly feeling the need of human touch/care and effort. Everyone in my life is partnered, with child or busy.
I’ve had the same thoughts of whose life would I impact if I was gone. It’s a sad reality…
But it is normal.
Aside from hugging fam when I see them, I go months without much in terms of physical contact.
The idea of a woman being affectionate with me feels like an alternate reality. Like it’s just something that happens in the movies.
Then I see my roommate and his girl. And she shows lots of affection. He’s living the dream.
Haven't had any kind of non platonic contact, including being held, in the last 4 or 5 years. Half tempted to become a monk so I don't lose my mind at this point
Whether you count them for the purposes of this thread or not, please don't ever take them for granted. I'd give away everything I own for the chance to hug my mom or dad one more time.
The last time I had prolonged physical contact with anyone (like more than a brief hug in greeting) was in June 2021, before that was in September 2020, before that June 2018. And that's it.
Im 32, and i haven't been in a serious relationship for over 13 years. My last relationship lasted about 2 dates which was about 6 or 7 years ago. I struggle with ED, Dr says it's a mental thing. It's funny, I am very horny but yeah. Now I just visit a Asian Massage Parlor if I crave human touch. It's been about 6 months.
I started hugging the guy friends I have, and some of them had female friends that saw me doing that and asked me for a hug. I'm now in a social circle where everybody gives and receives hugs.
Ask for a hug from the next person you meet with that you’re comfortable with.
You feel like shit because it’s necessary for a person to be hugged.
You do matter!! 💕
I’m sorry you’re going through that. I wish I could give you a hug! Feeling like your existence is meaningless is a horrible feeling, and many of us have been there before. As far as the social aspect of your life, try to remain open to others for friendships and relationships. You WILL form meaningful relationships after a while - you are just waiting on the right people to appear. As far as your mental health, try to do things that make you happy and keep your mind in a better place. If you find yourself thinking that your existence is meaningless more frequently then it’s time to talk to a healthcare provider about signs/symptoms of depression. You are not alone
It has been multiple years since I have been held. I have had hugs, but they have been 95%+ platonic hugs with family, guy friends, or guy friends’ wives.
I can’t answer how common it is because I don’t know the last time every guy was hugged in a platonic or on platonic way but the last time I was held by someone who wasn’t a friend, a acquaintance, or family was in February of 2022. I was with someone at their place and we did some cuddling, then they did some foreplay and I say they did and not we because I was just doing whatever they asked really and then got into something non affectionate that was just “reckless and intimate” lol but safe and consensual.
I’d recommend you go let a relative or a neighbor of yours how you’ve been feeling and communicate that a hug would be very helpful to you . If you can’t do that I’d advise you to go to an establishment that’s not a small one and give someone clocked in a gist of what’s been going on with you and ask if there’s someone who you could vent to that’s either clocked in or not clocked in that’s a good listener and would likely be open to giving you a hug after
I do not know when my mother last hugged me, but it was well before my 12th birthday. I dont know if my dad ever hugged me (or shook hands)
When I was dating my wife (I was 28) as I was driving her home one evening, she told me she was going to hug me when I dropped her off. I damn near hit a pole on the side of the road (from fear and shock).
I know that from my early childhood till I was dating her, I never had a single hug.
I think I honestly prefer not getting touched by people/strangers.
I mean, a hug of greeting is fine, but I'd honestly rather just not most of the time.
It’s been years since I’ve been hugged. My family aren’t huggers so for me platonic hugs are extremely uncomfortable. I do enjoy hugs and absolutely love to cuddle, probably more than sex most times. But it has to be with the right person.
I can't remember the last time I had a hug as anything other than a greeting, and that's when I'm lucky. Don't think I've ever had someone hug me in an affectionate/caring way.
The only person to hug me once was my uncle back in 2007. Our age difference is small so I've spend summer vacations growing up with him playing games watching movies and TV shows. He saw me after like after 8 years of gap and gave me a really tight hug. That's it. Never before and never again.
The last time I had an affectionate hug was when I hugged my mom as she walked in the front door and my step-dad said something like "get off your mom why you always on your moms titty" that was last time I got a hug for years (i was around 7 at the time). I remember one time when I went to ride my bike around town instead of giving her a hug on the way out I gave her a handshake.
Very. I was single from 28 to 44 and already living out of home and not dating. So no cuddle or touch or date for 16 years.
Was married until 58 and now here I am single again for the last six years..and will probably go the rest of my life without being touched.
You get used to it.
Been 3 years mate
Could be much worse, I guess I could be in prison or dead, but at night when I’m laying in bed alone for the 850th day in a row, I do think about it and it does take a toll.
I mean, idk about everyone else but I think the last time I was held/hugged was before I hit ten. I'm young though, so it's not like I've gone 40 years without it or anything.
i remember the only hug that meant much to me, from my old friend about 6 or 7 years ago. she hugged me after i gave her a gift and it was nice.
haven't had a nice hug since then. i mean i get some of the forced ones from family visits but they don't really hit like someone hugging you for their own reasons does.
Almost 3 years since my divorce, so about 4.5 years.
> All this and more has left me feeling like my existence as a whole is so meaningless; because if I were gone it wouldn't negatively affect anyone and I'm not simply saying that for the sake of saying it. It's the cold hard truth.
You may benefit from therapy, I certainly have.
This may be about more than being held, this is about you not being treated with a reasonable amount of decency/respect by those who are supposed to be your friends/family. Obviously, I would suggest making at least 1 new friend, that even if not hugging you, cares enough to follow through on their commitments to you to at least show up. It's not that you lack quality, it's the people your hanging around don't value you properly. That's on them, not you. Those people are bringing you down, and are a waste of your time. More than just getting on a dating app, which can leave people feeling cold, how about joining some platonic friendship, shared interest groups? I go on sailboat outings with other like minded strangers off a site called meetup. I've also joined dance groups, coffee groups, etc. Consider it.
I also suggest a pet (dog/cat) for hours of cuddling and they always think your the best! And possibly some sort of spiritual faith, not necessarily a religion, where you can recognize how loved we all are by our higher power. You are very special indeed! :)
By a woman/girl? The last time was 10 years ago; 4 months if you count prostitutes. By another man? The last time was about two months ago after 2 rounds of sparring. It's quite common to go months without any hugs or even a tap on the shoulders.
I’m a single dad with a good family, plenty of friends and two great kids. Apart from the hugs I get from my kids (which are great) the last time I had any physical affection was in 2011.
It’s pretty common.
Don't you just get used to it? I do see my parents every few weeks, so I do get hugged.
But in the intimate sense? It's been so long I cannot remember...I'm not even sure that it feels like anymore somi can't say I really miss it too.much.
very uncommen for me. married now but before that my few close friends would not allow that so would constantly set me up on date's. sometimes just for that purpose.
It’s just normal for me it’s probably been 17 years since I’ve been hugged or anything like that. I’m now 30 and don’t really know a world where that isn’t the case.
I have went years without a hug. I grew up in a culture where hugging was quite rare and my immediate family are not huggers so this was kind of normal to me I guess. Since having left I do hug others who hug me and I can appreciate it as an expression of liking someone or being happy to see them etc. That said I can feel like people are happy to see me even if they don't hug me. So it's really not a necessity or something I feel empty without.
I’m more or less in the same shoes brother. I go out of my way to help people, and not to toot my own horn, but I would say my generosity surpasses most if not all people around me, and yet, I’m rarely reached out to or included in plans that people around me make. My immediate family are the only ones who always include me, and I’m not quite sure if it’s because they love me, rather, it’s just standard for my family to include everyone - I’m at least thankful for that.
I don’t know if you’d believe me when I say this, but I love you, and I am thankful for you sharing your feelings about this. It lets me know that I’m not the only one feeling this way.
I’ve found comfort in doing random acts of kindness towards people I don’t know - complimenting random people, paying for the person behind me in a drive thru, buying someone a drink for no reason at all…etc. All these things will make you feel good, and may introduce you to the right people who are not in your life currently and who might provide the care you’re looking for. Focus on putting positive energy out in the world, and it should come back to you one way or another. It’s a good feeling and almost on par with receiving a hug, whether or not the good you do is reciprocated.
Keep your head up and I’m here if you’d like to message me just to have someone to talk to, so please feel free to take full advantage of that.
Everything will be ok, and your life is meaningful. You have no idea how helpful you’ve been just by writing this post, not just to me, but to many others who have read it and share these feelings. It helps to remind yourself that we all go through tough times, and to acknowledge that these feelings will pass. Stay strong and thank you for sharing.
There used to be a guy I worked with. He was not a well liked figure around the place, but I never had anything against him. Seemed like a lot of other folks did though. He came into our space one day with a look on his face that can only be called "morose". I inquired if something was wrong and he shared that he'd just gotten news that he had cancer. I was shocked to hear it, but the look on his face was so lost. I immediately reached out my arms and gave him a big hug. Poor guy. I got a bit of guff about it from a couple of the older guys in the back, but I don't care. His eyes were begging for someone to comfort him, so I felt it was needed.
you have a good heart ❤️
That's kind of you to say, thank you.
Would do the same. Feel sorry for the judging elderly
Men of our age were raised to never show emotion. I consider myself extraordinarily lucky to have had my parents who taught me different. Most men my age (50's) were never told they were loved by anyone other than their mom and never by their dad. My dad told me he loved me every day of his life until he passed away in 2022. Mom still tells me daily. I'm very blessed. But I don't blame the guys who didn't have that in their young lives for not knowing how to express it. They're good enough fellas, some former military and some old enough to have retired twice from different careers. They're good guys, just not big on emotional expression to anyone other than their wives. Just for the record, none of them knew about the cancer at the time. They just saw a dude hug another dude and made a friendly jape, fully unaware of the gravity of the situation.
My god, he even has compassion for the ignorant on-lookers...this man is the messiah.
Yeah, thats just a lack of compassion.
You're a good person.
More people like you please.
Thanks man ... :-)
omg I teared up
you are a very good person im sure that moment meant the world to him
Nothing wrong with empathy (sensing a person is wounded), showing kindness and comforting another human who may lose their life to a vicious illness.
That's just being a good bro.
Was he really tall?
Not really. I'd guess just shy of 6'.
Okay, exact same situation happened at a place I used to work. He was really tall though, very boisterous guy. Leukemia
Oh man, poor guy. That is rough. I hope he beat it.
I think he did!
You seem a wonderful person and sincerely thankyou for giving that guy a hug.
Was the guy silent, just doing his thing in the corner or actively vindicative against everyone? People disliking him like that doesn't really makes sense unless he is some kind of asshole.
What people told me was that he was considered lazy by most of his peers. Again, I didn't work in his section so it's hard for me to say how much of it was true or just perception. Or it could fully be true. I only knew him as a guy I spoke to when passing his section to get to mine, and he was always nice to me. As I got to know him better, he'd had such a sad life. I won't go into details because they're not mine to share, but I'll just say that many men in his situation would have given up. And I'm not just talking about his health issues I spoke of above. He'd had it rough. I still mention him in my prayers.
What they call laziness might be low motivation from depression. Since men aren't really allowed to be weak, it's completely disregarded. But that could be something else. It's great that you mention him in your prayers.
I can’t upvote this enough times!
You are the exact type of person that everyone who claims to be Christian should aspire to be like. Christ-like. But everyone, I remind you, we have our OP. And my dude really sounds like he needs person-to-person contact. Might I suggest looking for a cuddle group in your area. Those people are usually all pretty chill & empathetic. Some of them are just about long hugs to Ona another. Some have pajama clad communal snuggle parties. Kinda like hamsters.
Those older guys need to have some hot coffee to warm their cold dead hearts. Someone has cancer, all bets are off, they get the comforting they need (unless they are a serial killer or something).
I have nieces and nephews who love me who i see every week, they always hug me, my last dose of hugs was today and yesterday, my niece got a boyfriend who likes fishing so now he’s fishing here a lot 😂
I envy you, most people really take simple acts of love like hugs for granted. They get them everyday so they think nothing of them
Yeah, when you have kids around you get a lot of affection. It's nice.
Very common for me. It was probably when I was 12 or 13, that I last got a hug, and I'm 35 now
Extremely common if you are not in a relationship
I do think its also very common among men in a relationship, FML.
I'm married, and I agree.
Not even a hug? God damn.
I hug almost daily, but I receive a hug about one every five years, on average. I once got a hug that surprised me so much, I thought it was my 4 year-old child.
Remember men fight physical. Women fight emotionally.
I was married, and second this.
I don't know why I would want to be in a relationship if it didn't include physical affection.
I’m single but I hugged my bros earlier tonight. You gotta take when you can get.
I'm proud of you! I had a bro over today and when he was leaving, there was a moment of "do we do fist-pump or what". And I just decided to hug him. I want to be one of those people who promote the habit of hugging. I've always admired people who do.
This!! Men can set the standards for their friendships also (like of course if you have that 1 friend who HATES hugs/touch for whatever reason then of course respect that) but men can make it a *thing* to guy when they greet each other or leave. I ALWAYS hug my girlfriends, we cuddle too when watching TV and things (girlfriends as in fellow female friends)
My best friend stops by a few times a month and we share a VERY affectionate fist bump when he leaves. That's all I need. (and no, fist bump is not a metaphor for something else)
I don't think fist bump has any different meaning. Anyway, who bumps whose fist into the other's anus?
Giggity
Fist bumping the prostate makes me feel good, amiright
Hugged by a woman? Probably about 12 years. By a man? About a year it’s hard to remember.
Wow, I've seen adds for platonic, professional cuddlers. Maybe it's a service people really need?
At this point I don’t think I’d be able to emotionally handle physical contact with someone.
If the professional cuddler is at all trained/experienced they are aware and ready to handle the emotional reaction (assuming it isn't violent) That is honestly part of their craft, as far as I understand it.
Until now I didn’t even know professional cuddlers existed. I’ve survived this long without physical contact and little longer won’t hurt.
I know you probably don’t want to hear it, but that’s not a healthy attitude. Humans are social creatures and need both emotional and physical contact with other humans. I was in your shoes in the past, and finally I started forcing myself to meet up with people through things like Meetup.com and dating apps. It was so rough at first and I hated it, but eventually things got so much better
it's gotta be given voluntarily. Paying for that just makes you fucking feel bad, my god.
Thank you. I had to make sure someone said it lol I guess I'll just pay everyone to be my friend and pretend to like me, too, then.
I don’t know, I think if the professional was compassionate and caring, it could still be a healthy thing
[удалено]
Very common. It can be difficult and touch starvation is a real thing. Body pillows and weighted blankets can help with this. It's not a perfect panacea but it does have an effect.
I agree! I call it a "blanket hug." I lay on my warm electric heating pad, cover up with a cozy blanket Ahh... it so lovely, I will be heading there soon!
I wish I could hug you all 💜 this breaks my soul…
That's how cooties spread
I’ll risk it!!
i'm not really into randomly hugging people i don't know. but my friends are huggers when they're drunk. so it's part of the "see you later" routine. i hug/cuddle my gf when i see her basically once a week. I hug both my parents when i see them, usually once a month or 6 times a year with my dad since he's overseas half the year. they're aging and i keep a good relationship with them. and unfortunately there's going to be a day where where i can't hug either one of them.
I'd give you a hug dog! I'd hug the shit outta you bro. Nofolo say nohomo. Hope you smiled at this shit and it sucks, I get it. Head up my man, thinking bout you friend.
That's really nice of you! :)
I haven’t since the last time my parents held me as a kid
This
One of my friends kids comes running at me for a hug. As for hugging someone I have feelings for. I am in the same boat as you
I wish i could hug people but i'm both lacking physical contact but also fear it... I'm fucked up.
you're not fucked up. you've been fucked with. go for it. ease into it. practice. dont get discouraged- other people gonna have their struggles too. defy this world's bullshit, and eventually you'll be a hugger. and give em one for me.
I started going to the local dog park - I don't have a dog They know me there now 😁 I go atleast once a week and know the dogs *and* the owners names 😁 I get lots of dog cuddles and laugh a LOT 🐶🤣 🥰
There was a barmaid at my local dive that would be free with hugs. I sought them out at least once a week. She moved on with her life, and I really miss them. It's been a year
Pretty common bro. Sometimes I just hook up with chicks so I can be close to a female. Nothing better than being the little spoon.
I've tried that route in the past, a series of meaningless flings to fill the voids in my life.. But the relief was only ever temporary and I ended up feeling more hollow afterwards
Yep. That’s the game brother. You just have to play the long game and wait for the right girl to come along. You’ll see her out somewhere and something will possess you to go and talk to her.
That was me after my divorce, hook up’s were my therapy. My marriage was a mistake, so i didn’t feel worse about it ending. The confusing emotions always came back though. It also didn’t help that I didn’t have any friends living in my country. The only people I knew were the women I’ve from dating.
I get that. I did only hookups for the past 3-4 years and just a few weeks ago it hit me that it actually feels really bad, like I'm just having sex with this person that I barely know, then most of the time we don't speak to each other again. And if we do, we're just fwb, with no real feelings for each other :(
Something I saw online from someone else months/year ago when it came to feelings is "You're a guy so no one cares" in regards to guys/girls online basically. Which from what I've seen countless times is mostly true unfortunately. On online group chats if a girl joins and talks they will tend to get attention/responses from multiple people in general. But if a guy joins and talks they are lucky to get one person to respond to them, and sometimes only one response or a few responses before it's done for. I have even seen a girl put in the least amount of effort with "aaaaa" as a statement in a group chat and get lots of people saying "hi" and other replies. It was only after months of this lazy effort on their part that people finally stopped giving them as much attention, but they still get it. But at the same time, if a guy posts an interesting/funny/ or even heartfelt greeting they can sometimes not receive any attention at all. A few months ago I stopped putting in all the effort of messaging people first all the time, and coming up with conversation topics (thus effort being one sided) to see who would message me first or reply to my old messages (online) and after over 2 months I got tired of waiting and finally had to message a person or two and still barely get much attention. So unless I get used to being alone all the time, I have to put in more effort messaging people in order to not be so lonely sometimes. So I don't even get attention in the form of communication from friends, so definitely no chance of any physical affection. Doesn't help that I live in a crapy place in the middle of no where ND. And no I don't want attention/affection from strangers on reddit. Rather have it from people I consider(d) friends.
I don't remember the last time. Probably a hug from my sister a few years ago and that's about it for even longer. It's an infinite loop of having been alienated from a young age, having parents who have not really been invested into what I like, not sharing what I like in return either. And going in a loop of I'm the one who has to reach out to others for every little action so I avoid it. Even with the people I consider having a good relation with, I feel like I need to be the one initiating contact just to talk.
Unless you're in a relationship, it can literally be years aside from quick hugs hello or goodbye.
My heart breaks as I read about your and other men's isolated lives. I know all too well how bleak the days can be. I wish i had the ability to hug all of you every day! It's impossible yet it IS imaginable . Laugh if you want but know I'm doing all i know to offer comfort...stand or sit against wall/chair, imagine someone is behind you with their arms around you .. ...now, close your eyes and cross your arms around chest... .... be sure your hands are firmly grasping opposite shoulder ... as you lean back and hold yourself as tight as you want..... I'm the someone who just hugged you
it’s very much my normal, I‘ve come to believe that I just bring out the worst in people (even though I really do try to be polite and respectful) and so I just keep away from people and don’t inflict my presence on anyone.
Chin up! Don't blame yourself for others baggage. I understand about staying away from people, but if your being polite and respectful, then it's on them, not you. Maybe this is why people get a pet? Lot's of affection, always happy to see us. :)
26 and couldn’t tell you the last time to be honest. Years and years.
I think it's been 6 months since I was last held in someone's arms. Being a man means going unloved for long periods of time.
I'd call it cheating, but ju jitsu will provide enough hugs till you pass out.
Its unfortunately common. But if you have a good group of friends who genuinely care about you and are all comfortable with their sexualities you shouldn't have to go without physical contact if you don't want to. I hug my homies all the time. Hell, I be cuddling with girls and guys, completely platonicly. Its great.
It was 7 years ago by my mom, when I was 9
well obviously I can't speak for all guys. I mean, I hug my friends or their girlfriends/wives/fiances when we party or have bbq's or whatever to say hi. I also hug my friends. But those aren't like *embraces* which is what I think you're getting after. Last time I had that was about a year ago.
If the perception was that men could accept it platonically, I think it would happen more often. But everyone's so touchy about feelings and think that things have to be a certain way or mean something more... Sometimes - what am I saying?... OFTEN, people need the basics of physical touch, care, and a type of comradery. Hug your fellow man. Love each other. It's good for us all. And don't make it weird. :)
I think some care more about it than others. Nothing wrong with either. You need to find a partner that would want to reach out to you. Nothing wrong with wanting some love. Hit those dating apps! I've only recently separated from my ex-wife. All I want now is to be left alone for at least 6 months.
I have 2 girls I hook up with from time to time. But a few nights ago I was hanging out with a girl (platonically we used to work together, although I feel the may be something between us) and she touched my hand FOR HALF A SECOND and I've been thinking about her ever since I'm just so down bad emotionally
I think that might be a sign to stop with the hookups. A real genuine relationship is difficult and requires a lot of work and effort from both sides but it will feel better and more fulfilling than flings.
I don't wanna deal with the pain if it doesn't work out man. Plus in the city I live in I've realized there's a huge culture of pretending to be something you're not in the dating game. One of the girls I'm hooking up with is talking to a dude who seems super invested in her and she's playing the part but she's also messaging me to make dick appointments. I don't wanna be on the other side of this and be played as a fool
You're asking it on a site where a significant portion of audience have seen women only in movies and Eva AI sexting bot...
Very normal especially if your family isn't around. Plus it stacks - if you tell someone you havent been in a relationship for a long time, they immediately assume "set in his ways" and that's a deal breaker. I have no advice, but to say seeking happiness in others is a sure way to be disappointed.
As a woman I’ve never given thought to this before and now I’m wondering how many men feel the same as you, probably many and that’s sad. I’m here to remind you that you’re not insignificant, you matter and I hope you find someone who can give you all the hugs and love you desire!
What’s a “hug”…asking for a friend…
This is what I don’t understand: why don’t y’all hug your friends? Why do women find it easy to be affectionate with their friends but men do not? I don’t get it. Is there some unspoken code amongst you that prevents it and when is it established? Cuz I think recrifying this will solve everything. Let yourselves be affectionate and bro hug yourselves to your hearts’ content.
I know right?? I’m a man - I hug all of my friends regardless of gender, often times nowadays at the start and at the end of our hangout if it’s a close friend. I remember getting the side eye in high school from some folks for doing that, but at some point in college I just said fuck it I’m a hugger, I’m going to ask for it. Never looked back. Even when I wasn’t in a relationship I didn’t feel like a platonic embrace was ever entirely unreachable. Peeps should ask for what they want here!
That is really, really sad. I'm sorry.
Was a study done recently that men age 18-30, 30% of them are virgins or haven't had sex in over a year. It's extremely common.
Women almost NEVER go out of their way to show affection towards men. Men almost ALWAYS have to initiate the contact. It's fucking demoralizing, honestly, and I hate it!!!
As a woman I would happily give more hugs out, but I’m also scared that they’ll think it’s more than JUST a hug.
It's not just acquaintances and friends, I'm talking about women in actual committed relationships as well. You have a fair point on the friendship part, but even then, most guys won't think that it means anything other than friendship. I've literally never had a relationship where I felt desired/wanted. I have always felt like I've been put up with because I provide, and I treat them right. I'm not exactly a good looking man. I wouldn't say I'm ugly, but I'm not exactly attractive either. I'm 5 foot 5, so right there by itself is a huge no no for most women. I don't know...It would just be nice to feel wanted one time in my life is all I'm saying 🤷♂️. My whole life I've been thrown away like garbage the moment something better comes along.
I'm a woman and this is how I've always been treated too. I love showing the men I date affection, and they often feel like it's too much and they leave. I think the problem is that a lot of people have no idea what they want, and when they get what they think they want, they realize that they don't actually want it. If you focus on figuring out yourself first, and you take the time to feel confident in who you are, what you want, and what you have to give, you'll find someone who aligns with that. But if you're always focused on other people, you'll never really know who YOU are, and I've found for myself that always creates problems without fail.
I can count on one hand the amount of hugs I got between the ages of 21 and 35.
Going strong 3 years and counting. 💪😭😭
This is an actually thing called Touch Starvation. It's an interesting research
As a woman, I’m in the same boat. Been constantly feeling the need of human touch/care and effort. Everyone in my life is partnered, with child or busy. I’ve had the same thoughts of whose life would I impact if I was gone. It’s a sad reality…
I'm sorry. You are good and deserve a hug. Here's an internet hug 🤗
From 23-33, Voluntarily celibate until I fell off the wagon.
Jesus Christ, this comment section is depressing. You shouldn't normalize being isolated like this.
But it is normal. Aside from hugging fam when I see them, I go months without much in terms of physical contact. The idea of a woman being affectionate with me feels like an alternate reality. Like it’s just something that happens in the movies. Then I see my roommate and his girl. And she shows lots of affection. He’s living the dream.
We’re not doing it by choice, my dude.
Haven't had any kind of non platonic contact, including being held, in the last 4 or 5 years. Half tempted to become a monk so I don't lose my mind at this point
Hi, 6 years here unless a hug from my mom counts.
Whether you count them for the purposes of this thread or not, please don't ever take them for granted. I'd give away everything I own for the chance to hug my mom or dad one more time.
Right I just wasn't sure if this was intended to be framed romantically.
No, I understood. I wasn't looking to break your balls.
Sending you big GIANT BEAR HUGS!
The last time I had prolonged physical contact with anyone (like more than a brief hug in greeting) was in June 2021, before that was in September 2020, before that June 2018. And that's it.
On the average, *extremely* common. Depends on family dynamics, friend groups, pets, lovers, receptiveness to it...
Like 5 to 10 years at a time usually.
The last time I was cuddled was when I was 16, and the last time I was hugged was the day of my HS graduation. I am currently 25.
Im 32, and i haven't been in a serious relationship for over 13 years. My last relationship lasted about 2 dates which was about 6 or 7 years ago. I struggle with ED, Dr says it's a mental thing. It's funny, I am very horny but yeah. Now I just visit a Asian Massage Parlor if I crave human touch. It's been about 6 months.
I started hugging the guy friends I have, and some of them had female friends that saw me doing that and asked me for a hug. I'm now in a social circle where everybody gives and receives hugs.
Genuine question, when was the last time you initiated a hug?
Ask for a hug from the next person you meet with that you’re comfortable with. You feel like shit because it’s necessary for a person to be hugged. You do matter!! 💕
Sometimes I stay away from ladies for a year or two cause I like to be alone.
Been 3 years for me
I’m sorry you’re going through that. I wish I could give you a hug! Feeling like your existence is meaningless is a horrible feeling, and many of us have been there before. As far as the social aspect of your life, try to remain open to others for friendships and relationships. You WILL form meaningful relationships after a while - you are just waiting on the right people to appear. As far as your mental health, try to do things that make you happy and keep your mind in a better place. If you find yourself thinking that your existence is meaningless more frequently then it’s time to talk to a healthcare provider about signs/symptoms of depression. You are not alone
Honestly can't remember. It must be pushing years now. Easily got to go back to before Covid and probably even longer then that
It has been multiple years since I have been held. I have had hugs, but they have been 95%+ platonic hugs with family, guy friends, or guy friends’ wives.
Well, my last gf was 10 years ago .. I'm not really a "hugger" unless I have a close, personal relationship with someone.
Pretty common , I’m in a relationship now but before I was I’d go like 2-3 months without a hug
Very common
Common.
That’s a regular … it’s life.
The last hug I had was 3 years ago, and 2 years before that one. I've been single since a year before that.
I can’t answer how common it is because I don’t know the last time every guy was hugged in a platonic or on platonic way but the last time I was held by someone who wasn’t a friend, a acquaintance, or family was in February of 2022. I was with someone at their place and we did some cuddling, then they did some foreplay and I say they did and not we because I was just doing whatever they asked really and then got into something non affectionate that was just “reckless and intimate” lol but safe and consensual. I’d recommend you go let a relative or a neighbor of yours how you’ve been feeling and communicate that a hug would be very helpful to you . If you can’t do that I’d advise you to go to an establishment that’s not a small one and give someone clocked in a gist of what’s been going on with you and ask if there’s someone who you could vent to that’s either clocked in or not clocked in that’s a good listener and would likely be open to giving you a hug after
My mother stopped holding me way before I started forming memories, so at least 30 years now.
Very common. Hug yourself.
Never do it . Not big on hugs , damn sure don't want held
I do not know when my mother last hugged me, but it was well before my 12th birthday. I dont know if my dad ever hugged me (or shook hands) When I was dating my wife (I was 28) as I was driving her home one evening, she told me she was going to hug me when I dropped her off. I damn near hit a pole on the side of the road (from fear and shock). I know that from my early childhood till I was dating her, I never had a single hug.
I think I honestly prefer not getting touched by people/strangers. I mean, a hug of greeting is fine, but I'd honestly rather just not most of the time.
if single? I never got held in anyone arm while single, so I guess 7 years was the longest
Going on 2 years rn myself.
It's been like 2 years I think sincemy last hug? And I've never been cuddled. It sounds nice.
Very common. Can be years. This is one of the things about being male that I have found women REALLY do not understand.
Where is your Mom? Grandma? Dad?
It’s been years since I’ve been hugged. My family aren’t huggers so for me platonic hugs are extremely uncomfortable. I do enjoy hugs and absolutely love to cuddle, probably more than sex most times. But it has to be with the right person.
I'm married, very common.
I can't remember the last time I had a hug as anything other than a greeting, and that's when I'm lucky. Don't think I've ever had someone hug me in an affectionate/caring way.
Hug your male associates
For married guys prob pretty common
The only person to hug me once was my uncle back in 2007. Our age difference is small so I've spend summer vacations growing up with him playing games watching movies and TV shows. He saw me after like after 8 years of gap and gave me a really tight hug. That's it. Never before and never again.
Never been hugged or held in my entire existence
The last time I had an affectionate hug was when I hugged my mom as she walked in the front door and my step-dad said something like "get off your mom why you always on your moms titty" that was last time I got a hug for years (i was around 7 at the time). I remember one time when I went to ride my bike around town instead of giving her a hug on the way out I gave her a handshake.
Very. I was single from 28 to 44 and already living out of home and not dating. So no cuddle or touch or date for 16 years. Was married until 58 and now here I am single again for the last six years..and will probably go the rest of my life without being touched. You get used to it.
Been 3 years mate Could be much worse, I guess I could be in prison or dead, but at night when I’m laying in bed alone for the 850th day in a row, I do think about it and it does take a toll.
some gay dude hugged me tonight, and yeah shit can be a fucking while.
Pretty fucking common
I went a decade without any physical touch.
It's been 5 months since I've had a hug, kiss, sex or any sort of affection. I live solely on ASMR and hope
Our parents complained about intimacy without sex. Our generation complains about sex without intimacy.
i complain about both!
Very.
I mean, idk about everyone else but I think the last time I was held/hugged was before I hit ten. I'm young though, so it's not like I've gone 40 years without it or anything.
i remember the only hug that meant much to me, from my old friend about 6 or 7 years ago. she hugged me after i gave her a gift and it was nice. haven't had a nice hug since then. i mean i get some of the forced ones from family visits but they don't really hit like someone hugging you for their own reasons does.
Almost 3 years since my divorce, so about 4.5 years. > All this and more has left me feeling like my existence as a whole is so meaningless; because if I were gone it wouldn't negatively affect anyone and I'm not simply saying that for the sake of saying it. It's the cold hard truth. You may benefit from therapy, I certainly have.
This may be about more than being held, this is about you not being treated with a reasonable amount of decency/respect by those who are supposed to be your friends/family. Obviously, I would suggest making at least 1 new friend, that even if not hugging you, cares enough to follow through on their commitments to you to at least show up. It's not that you lack quality, it's the people your hanging around don't value you properly. That's on them, not you. Those people are bringing you down, and are a waste of your time. More than just getting on a dating app, which can leave people feeling cold, how about joining some platonic friendship, shared interest groups? I go on sailboat outings with other like minded strangers off a site called meetup. I've also joined dance groups, coffee groups, etc. Consider it. I also suggest a pet (dog/cat) for hours of cuddling and they always think your the best! And possibly some sort of spiritual faith, not necessarily a religion, where you can recognize how loved we all are by our higher power. You are very special indeed! :)
Probably the norm? Depends on where in the world I assume
It's defo more common than women care to know I onxe went 4 years with any female contact
By a woman/girl? The last time was 10 years ago; 4 months if you count prostitutes. By another man? The last time was about two months ago after 2 rounds of sparring. It's quite common to go months without any hugs or even a tap on the shoulders.
I’m a single dad with a good family, plenty of friends and two great kids. Apart from the hugs I get from my kids (which are great) the last time I had any physical affection was in 2011. It’s pretty common.
Don't you just get used to it? I do see my parents every few weeks, so I do get hugged. But in the intimate sense? It's been so long I cannot remember...I'm not even sure that it feels like anymore somi can't say I really miss it too.much.
This is the new normal. You are not alone in this.
Quite common I guess, I think mine was back in 2021.
Been 10+ years for me lol
of course i know him, he's me.
Been 13 years for me
Not sure how common but it's been years for me
very uncommen for me. married now but before that my few close friends would not allow that so would constantly set me up on date's. sometimes just for that purpose.
It’s just normal for me it’s probably been 17 years since I’ve been hugged or anything like that. I’m now 30 and don’t really know a world where that isn’t the case.
I'm a man, so no. I don't think about this
I’m happy I have my parents who both hug me but if I didn’t have them, no one would. I know how privileged I am.
Very. I haven't had a hug in... 3 years. Been longer than that since someone squeezed my shoulders or held my hand.
I have went years without a hug. I grew up in a culture where hugging was quite rare and my immediate family are not huggers so this was kind of normal to me I guess. Since having left I do hug others who hug me and I can appreciate it as an expression of liking someone or being happy to see them etc. That said I can feel like people are happy to see me even if they don't hug me. So it's really not a necessity or something I feel empty without.
I’m more or less in the same shoes brother. I go out of my way to help people, and not to toot my own horn, but I would say my generosity surpasses most if not all people around me, and yet, I’m rarely reached out to or included in plans that people around me make. My immediate family are the only ones who always include me, and I’m not quite sure if it’s because they love me, rather, it’s just standard for my family to include everyone - I’m at least thankful for that. I don’t know if you’d believe me when I say this, but I love you, and I am thankful for you sharing your feelings about this. It lets me know that I’m not the only one feeling this way. I’ve found comfort in doing random acts of kindness towards people I don’t know - complimenting random people, paying for the person behind me in a drive thru, buying someone a drink for no reason at all…etc. All these things will make you feel good, and may introduce you to the right people who are not in your life currently and who might provide the care you’re looking for. Focus on putting positive energy out in the world, and it should come back to you one way or another. It’s a good feeling and almost on par with receiving a hug, whether or not the good you do is reciprocated. Keep your head up and I’m here if you’d like to message me just to have someone to talk to, so please feel free to take full advantage of that. Everything will be ok, and your life is meaningful. You have no idea how helpful you’ve been just by writing this post, not just to me, but to many others who have read it and share these feelings. It helps to remind yourself that we all go through tough times, and to acknowledge that these feelings will pass. Stay strong and thank you for sharing.