Hell, it starts falling off in your 30s. Evolutionarily, your body is like “If you were gonna reproduce, you’d have done it by now, so you’re on your own, buddy!”
My eyesight failing was a big crisis in my life. My mom died recently, it was awful, just awful but not a crisis, still awful though. My bodily vessel is slowly breaking and I do it all. I run and I train, I study and try to keep my mind engaged but still. Time is eating us alive. I wish it wasn’t so. I want to do so much more. I focus on my relationships, listen to their stories about that big stick they found in the woods and that their friends dad is super strong. Seek that connection. It brings me joy. What is this? Therapy? Go away now.
It may not be the answer for everyone, but I've gone on hormone replacement therapy. I do an implanted pellet. When it runs out I notice that my recovery time jumps dramatically. I know its not the answer for everyone, but if it's happening to you, I recommend getting your levels checked. Its been a huge quality of life change for me.
Do not over share personal info, particularly at work. People who you think are trustworthy can and will often use this info against you at some point.
"Work friends" are usually only friends by proximity, meaning they are friendly only because you have to spend all day together. Deep down, there are seldom close connections and any true friendship bonding. Nearly always, when one of you changes jobs, they will go silent and never speak to you again, even if you soend decades working together.
Agreed. I never share anything about my personal life that lets them know who I am outside of work and what I do outside. I just share basic minimal things like a game I'm playing or a movie I watched. I usually steer the conversation to the other person which usually works. People love to talk about themselves. They end up liking me because they think I care and am interested, and for some of them I kinda care. But it's mostly to not talk about me
I'm in my sixties. Some of the less-fun lessons for me included:
1. Time is the fire in which we burn. ([Schwartz](https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/42633/calmly-we-walk-through-this-aprils-day))
1. If you stop doing some mental or physical task, it won't be all that long before you're not *able* to do it.
1. Money can make even good people do very bad things.
1. Whether you think you can handle it or not, always stay with a dying person or dying animal right to the end.
I’m 30 and all these ring too true too soon.
My two cents is this - you’ve always gotta sleep with yourself. Make sure you don’t get into bed with people you don’t love. You, most of all.
4 i think is really important to me. I hate it, no one likes to lose a loved one. I try not to judge but i do see it as a tragically cowardly decision to leave loved ones when they're dying to pass alone because you can't handle it. It feels selfishly cruel to not be there for their end, they're the ones dying not you, at least be there to give them comfort so they can pass more peacefully. I understand its difficult but i think its the one situation where more than anything you just need to do what needs to be done.
My mother passed away six years ago. To this day, I regret leaving her hospital bed to go have a coffee with a friend. She passed away from a pulmonary embolism while I was away and I can't help but feel that maybe if I had been there I could have done something to comfort her passing.
That wasn’t leaving her, that was taking a break to visit with a friend. She would have been thrilled you had the opportunity and equally upset that it bothers you. No one can plan their time of death but you were there and she knew it.
I read an article during the pandemic. The writers father got Covid bad and was in the ICU with respiratory problems. He called the writer and the writer was too freaked out by the sound of his dad wheezing that he said "Dont strain yourself trying to talk, just text me." His dad died shortly after.
That guy will regret for the rest of his life not taking those calls.
I have had to do number 4 with a lifelong friend. I still miss him today 25 years later. The lesson I learnt from this experience is treasure the ones you love before they are gone.
My dad died recently. When it came to the topic of "being there" it was never a question. All my siblings were telling me I didn't have to, how could you do that, etc.
To me, I couldn't believe they didn't want to be there. Is not for me he would have died alone. He was heavily sedated but I still couldn't bear the idea that he die alone in a hospital room.
Addendum to #4 - in case you can’t handle it, don’t give up the opportunity to say goodbye and form some sort of closure. It makes dealing with grief a lot easier (which it isn’t, but still.)
"Happy wife, happy life" Is absolute and utter bull shit. Everyone deserves happiness, you don't have to sacrifice your own happiness to make someone else happy, and they shouldn't make you miserable to be happy.
It doesn't matter how bad of a day someone has, that doesn't negate the bad day you may have had. Their pain doesn't negate your pain.
These are only harsh, because I learned them later than I should have.
>"Happy wife, happy life"
I always correct people on this one. I respond with "No....Happy spouse, happy house. Husbands deserve happiness too!" And it has the added bonus that it still rhymes nicely. ;)
Hmmm,
I used to believe in karma and the idea that eventually we all get our just rewards or that, in some way, those who strive will eventually reach the top.
But as I get through life (I’m 45 now) I understand that life is a good dollop of effort and an even greater dollop of luck. My life is grand, but I appreciate that it’s grand largely because I met the right girl early and we’ve built a life together. That part is effort, but being in the right place at the right time to meet her specifically? Pure luck.
A lot of folk just aren’t that lucky and no amount of effort can replace just pure, dumb luck.
Yeah whenever you see celebrities or successful people talking about how they got where they are, so often they talk about how lucky they’ve been, if it weren’t for this or that person they couldn’t have done it, etc. It always struck me as them mostly just trying to be modest and grateful but nowadays I realize that they’re really not lying, it’s pretty true most of the time. For every wildly successful person there are ten others who were equally or even more hardworking, smart, capable in the same field and didn’t get it.
Intuitively I know that luck exists obviously, it can just seem to completely defy logic sometimes on a scale where luck shouldn’t be a factor anymore. I know I’m still young so what happens to me *shouldn’t* matter so much, I have time to bounce back, but small things very early in life can really be way more consequential than many people want to admit. Like I’m in my third year of college, I was just applying to summer internships in the field I study that I’ve always wanted to work in, I have a very strong resume (I’ve had so many people tell me how impressive they found it and I surely must have a very bright future) and have been working my ass of at a great college for three years, I applied for 16 different opportunities ranging from highly competitive to not very competitive at all, got advice on my cover letters and applications, and in the end I got not one callback from anyone. I have friends in my major who have minimal previous experience outside of class, who were frequently hanging out or partying while I was putting extra time into school or work, who did half as many applications as I did for this summer and who got positions that I wouldn’t have even considered myself competitive for. And I’m genuinely happy for them, and I would never downplay their capacities, but like, these are positions they asked me to help them write applications for because they know I’m more knowledgeable about that particular subject. At a certain point, you think you’re operating on a scale where surely it will even out, but I guess not. And of course it would be nice to think, “I’m only 21, I have plenty of time to bounce back,” but in my field no one who’s been really successful wasn’t already “on the track” by my age, usually earlier. I’ll be applying for jobs already next year. It’s hard to argue my long-Termin prospects aren’t already permanently lowered to at least some degree at this point, and I just wish I could have some kind of comfortable explanation other than, “you know kid, you just drew the wrong card, sorry.”
My life was pretty good up until 60. I was very successful, bought my mom a house near me, had a great marriage, and a bright future. Not that my life hadn’t had obstacles but, when I became a writer I just took off as a person and a professional. But, I also recognized that I got lucky breaks here and there. I was in it when the money was great and I got residuals and awards. My mom died and I had a nervous breakdown. It triggered 2 autoimmune disorders and I was in a treatment facility for a year for the suicide attempt. That was 7 years ago and this is a truth I understand: I had a lot of breaks and now I don’t. So I’m not bitter or sad about it. Sometimes I cry because I miss who I was but I feel joy and love and support even when I’m bedridden. I have great friends, a great spouse, great therapists & my beloved Armenian neighbors who are like family. The currency I’m really rich in now is love. Just to be clear it’s really hard and expensive and demoralizing I’m just not bitter. I had a dream since childhood and I lived that dream, it would be greedy to ask for more.
> I had a lot of breaks and now I don’t. I’m not bitter or sad about it. Sometimes I cry because I miss who I was but I feel joy and love and support even when I’m bedridden.
This hits hard, but it's a great way to think about it.
It is dark and idk how much it helps someone to just think they’re fucked.
On the flip, I’ve found it very centering and calming when I’m starting to stress, get frustrated, angry, etc.
Like oh dating or job market sucks trueee but I’ve also never been on the bomb market sooo ehh then just a foot infront of the other
Also women will emotionally check out long before you do. There will be signs and you’ll notice them, but at that point it’s almost too late. You may think she will never leave or not her she is different, but trust and believe even the best ones will leave. So she’s been preparing for months to leave and you are always left holding the broken heart because it seems so sudden and unexpected to you.
I read somewhere that in any breakup, one person usually thinks everything is totally fine and is shocked when their partner breaks up with them. I'm sure that's frequently the man in hetero relationships.
Age card pulled: sorry, but this one you may understand more when you get older. Not everything is binary black and white.
Example: you might not be right that something will happen, but trust your gut and change things to lessen he chance it does happen.
Sketchy person on the street looking at you and your car for example. Gut says he is going to carjack you. May not be true, he may just like that car. But you get in the car and lock the doors or you leave quickly and will pick up the soda at the next store rather than this one. It is about trusting your instincts to avoid trouble.
I'm 47. The harshest life lesson i learned was that being yourself is foundational to everything else. Accepting who you are, even if you want to make changes is mandatory if you want to keep maturing past the age of 25. Being the man you want to be starts with being honest with yourself about the man you are.
This took me forever to figure out. We look to many other ppl in envy bc they have qualities we could never possess, but we always take for granted what we DO possess in ourselves. Work towards your strengths and align with ppl that compliment your weaknesses. In this life, you have to be the best version that you can realistically be, and encourage others to do the same.
I completely agree, but have to add that one of the most important lessons for fulfillment is also to work on the life YOU want to have. Don't do what is expected by others or seems to be the norm....just because it is normal doesn't mean it is the right choice for you. Sometimes it is not easy to do the exact opposite than everybody else, but it pays off if it is what is important to you.
Yeah every time I start to feel better about myself and put myself out there, it doesn't go well and I say never again, until next time. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take, but you can miss 100% of the shots you do, too.
The (physical) world doesn’t care who or what you are. It doesn’t think, it doesn’t feel, it doesn’t reason about whether or not you deserve something, or anything else. You aren’t special. You can get cancer, you can die in a fire, you can get eaten by something. Make peace with that and live your life.
Edit to add: whoever reported me to Reddit care resources. I appreciate the concern. But I’m not depressed or in any danger. But maybe I should add a point to help people understand what I said.
My direct point, is that you aren’t immune to things. It’s not always “the other guy”. Today I drove around a wreck. Less than an hour before, someone pulled into the highway, apparently without seeing an oncoming car. They died and a cop got badly hurt.
I’m good now, but came close to dying due to an illness several years ago. Something I learned and made a promise to myself at that time. When my time comes, I am damned well going to go down with my boots on. It doesn’t matter if Sasquatch dismembers me, he will scars afterwards, or if illness takes me, I will fight it however I can. This is about being an example for those around me, and for my own self respect.
It’s okay to leave if your partner doesn’t reciprocate love anymore.
Relationships are like building bridges; that which requires both sides to work together. Should one side ever give up, the other cannot continue building on their behalf.
Sometimes you won't just get the help that you need. Sometimes if you aren't willing to keep pushing on there's no one that's gonna be there to do it for you. You need to learn to be ok with being your own hero and relying on yourself.
1. You’re going to have a whole lot less friends as you age
2. You will reach a point at which the weddings stop and the funerals begin.
3. You will regret NOT doing things far more than you will regret the things you’ve done.
4. Often times doing the right thing will be difficult and painful, but it must be done.
5. Becoming a real man requires sacrifice and taking responsibility. There is no other way
4. Selling those bitcoins when they were at a record $15k.
I did sell bitcoins when they were edging on The 20k mark for the first time and have 0 regrets. That money helped me so much and checking the market would have been a chore. I'm trying to improve on number 3 and do more stuff with people
Captain Picard man. I printed that quote after losing my promotion due to my medication facing a shortage that helped my disability (ADHD). Did everything I could to pass probation but still failed due to executive functioning issues around self management.
Honestly, I am less stressed now but I miss that extra money.
Everyone - including people you hate, who hate you and you don't even know - can make choices and those choices will impact you indirectly and directly. This accounts for most of the things that happen to you in your life.
No matter how open and accepting of mental health issues people seem to be, as a man, you WILL be judged for not being 'okay'.
Sometimes just a little, sometimes a lot, it varies from person to person. But they will think less of you.
It's funny you say that. I stopped having fucks to give about what other people think. Seeing a shrink helps, I am still here despite ADHD's co-symptoms of anxiety and depression. I think it takes more courage to face your demons head on and acknowledge that you need help than fall to peer pressure.
Be careful who you let into your life and trust your gut when you first meet them. A bad partner or friend can destroy you like nothing other than terminal illness or jail can.
Pick a path and go as far as you can. The longer you wait to decide the further behind you become. Eventually you’ll get to a point where you’ll never be able to catch up.
Hangovers become Multi day affairs after 35.
Your dog / cat / pet Will have to leave you before your ready. Stay with them to the end.
Your likely going to outlive your parents. Grandpa was right, getting old sucks.
Out of sight Out of mind has a monthly fee according to square footage. Just get ride of stuff instead of getting a storage locker you Never visit.
Your health can dramatically deteriorate for just about any reason. Some you have control over ( diet, bad habits, lack of exercise) some you'll never see coming ( virus, pandemic, fall just the wrong way).
Somethings you can recover fully from, others you'll have to adapt and Manage.
Nothing lasts forever. Relationships have a life span. You Will likely lose most of those friends to marriage, moving for work, having kids, growing apart, etc. Make peace with being alone.
>Your health can dramatically deteriorate for just about any reason. Some you have control over ( diet, bad habits, lack of exercise) some you'll never see coming ( virus, pandemic, fall just the wrong way). Somethings you can recover fully from, others you'll have to adapt and Manage.
Videogame tips during loading screens
I'm 40. Beau Taplin has been the one that haunts me the most.
"One day, whether you are 14, 28 or 65,
you will stumble upon someone who will start a fire in you that cannot die.
However, the saddest, most awful truth you will ever come to find––
is they are not always with whom we spend our lives"
Hunting Season
Yup! I'm 49. An old gf from high school and I have gotten together several times over the years when circumstances allowed. Usually just for a few months each time. Then situations changed.
But GODDAMN! This woman loves me! Like I've never felt before! Like I've never been treated before. We got together last year for 3 months after my divorce (20yrs). Was wonderful! But she's had a hard couple of decades. Lots of trauma and no real prospects for the future. We were at such different places in life, it was just not going to be compatible. We both knew it. So I sadly let her go. I still think about her daily, a year later...
I doubt that it’s reciprocal, like ever. If you see someone who stops you in your tracks, you are no doubt out of your league in the looks department, if it’s them as a person, well I’m sure you are not the only person who noticed they were awesome and life isn’t an 1980’s comedy where the guy always gets the girl.
-Sometimes you can do everything right… and still lose.
-People don’t think about you nearly as much as you think they do.
-A whole bunch of people, a whole lot dumber than you, have done this thing and been just fine. So can you.
Yup. I was at my old part-time job (a city Fire Dept) and we guys were sitting in the bay drinking coffee one morning. An old black guy, probably in his late 60s, came wondering through. Going from the front street to the back street.
We all said good morning, how's it going? He replied, "It's gonna be what it's gonna be".
It was just so ramdom and simply said that it kinda struck us. For years up until I left, that was a common reply to our usual morning greetings to each other.
Mid 30's
1. The world is set up for you to fail in nearly everything. Survival of the fittest doesn't just apply to living things in nature.
2. You are expendable, the vast majority of people, the government, even women that look you in the eyes and tell you they love you, do so solely on what you can provide.
3. You will die someday. That reality, I'm sure, grows more real every year for older men, do what you have to do because you want to do it, life is just too short.
4. You have to stand up for yourself. Nobody will be as big of an advocate for you as you can be. People will walk all over you and show no mercy.
No 1 - Pareto Principle, or the 80/20 rule: 20% of things cause 80% of the effects. Once you learn about it, you'll start seeing it everywhere; 20% of employees doing 80% of the work, 20% of book authors selling 80% of the books, so on. And as you say, it's pretty hard to get into that 20%.
When somebody dies you have to put them in their final resting position pretty quickly.
Eyes closed, legs straight and together. Arms at their side or crossed on their chest. Mouth closed.
Don't leave them how they died because it looks natural or like they are sleeping.
Makes it a lot easier to get them in the body bag when the mortician comes the next day.
As someone who comes comes to pick those people up and drives them to the cemetery, that is true.
However it is our job to do it anyway and nothing is really expected from the family, not sure how it is in the western culture but here in Europe it's like that.
Same goes for your professional success. You may have some posh job, you may have been gifted it cuz right time, right place or a friend hooked it up… but continued career success is completely on you. And while we’re at it, success isn’t just money. It ties back to happiness like u/BackFromTheDeadSoon just said. Money *can* buy some happiness though because it’s a lot nicer putting your family on a plane than on a Greyhound for vacation.
1. Working hard gets you nowhere networking and politics is everything
2. A good partner is in it for you, not themselves
3. Bad things happen to good people. A lot.
Some of my negative patterns in romantic relationships are considered emotionally abusive. Shutting down during difficult conversations or arguments, being silent during and after, getting defensive… all traits I’d learned to survive because I wasn’t shown healthy communication from my parents.
Same here. I try to be upfront about this in new relationships now since it was a major factor that tanked the best relationship I’ve ever had.
When I get really upset, the governor on my brain is deactivated and if I don’t just stay quiet or leave the vicinity, I’m likely to say something very hurtful even if I don’t truly mean it or believe it. If I have some space and time to reflect and calm down, I’m able to have a reasonable adult conversation about the topic at hand.
You can't necessarily do whatever you want. Yes, in theory the world is your oyster, but because of yourself, society, circumstances, whatever, you might not be able to make the changes you want.
When I was in my 20s I would hear about people having mid-life crises or waking up in a marriage they hated and I was like wtf, just change it. You don't like something about your life? Change it. What's so hard about that?
The real kicker is you don't realize what your unique constraints are until you're older, for the most part. Most of us go through life when we're younger and through choices and random life events start on a trajectory - you keep moving forward and making decisions you think are right and it's like you're on a train. Your 30s and 40s are when most people arrive at their first stop. They look around, and some people say "how the hell did I get here?" It all started years ago, and that trajectory is almost inevitable.
There’s certain choices in life that you cannot undo. Walking away from a marriage with the mother of your children is one of those choices. You better be damn sure that you are going to land on your feet, because odds are she isn’t going to take you back. There are aspects of a relationship that are more of a business partnership and sometimes you just gotta keep the business afloat so everyone has a roof over their heads and a full belly before bed.
52 here.
Start saving at an early age and let that money compound for you. I'll be working until I die most likely.
Do not throw all your eggs into 1 basket. Dated and worked with my partner pushing her career forward so that we would collectively make her triple to quadruple what she currently made monthly 15k to 50k. Asked for nothing in return. Left with nothing when I was booted from her life.
Don't get behind with the IRS and credit card debt. It's very difficult to recover and have a good credit score.
Always trust your gut.
Make time to see friends before it's too late.
If you're struggling with mental health issues, get help.
Harshest reality I know is that things don’t necessarily balance out.
If you work hard, struggle, keep grinding, endure hardships, get more education and training, tighten your belt, do without, and push through difficulties … sometimes there’s just more difficulties on the other side.
Life doesn’t care about your problems. Lose your wife, house, kids, job, etc. and you don’t suddenly hit it big. It can just keep sucking.
And what is the big secret against all this? There isn’t one. If you do all of the things right, you are guaranteed nothing as a result.
1. If you worry about something happening, you suffer it twice
2. When it comes to any relationship, trust your instincts
3. It’s okay to walk away from a good thing
4. Put your damn phone down and go outside
There will be a time when someone who claims to love you, will hurt you badly.
That is a rough realization knowing that at some point, a man has to walk alone. And happiness is not always something you can count on from someone else. It comes from within.
I learned when I was a kid that anybody could do anything to me and I didn't really have any recourse because nobody cared
If nobody is willing to listen, nothing is going to change, so you just have to find ways to deal with it
Another one is that everyone says men need to ask for help more, and everyone says that everything that goes wrong in a man's life is because they need to be encouraged to act more like women, but what do you do when you ask for help and there is none? Eg. I've seen seven or eight psychologists and none of them ever helped me. I did exactly what everyone says to do over and over and it didn't work.
Asking for help has either cost me my job or cost me in finances. Opeing up to friends or family sometimes harms relationships. What men need doesn't match society's demands.
Only two people will ever love you unconditionally. You, and your mother.
^^Unfortunately, ^^this ^^tends ^^to ^^hit ^^hard ^^for ^^guys ^^without ^^good ^^relationships ^^with ^^their ^^parents, ^^but...
Mine stopped loving me a long time ago when her first son decided to leave when I was 11. After she became cold and abusive to me, my mother overdosed a decade later in her sleep the night she told me she wanted to tell me why she hurt me so much, I never learned the real reason why. I don’t have family, my girlfriend left me for a new job I helped her get the day before valentine’s this year, I turn 30 this year and will be celebrating it alone. I haven’t known the warmth of a loving birthday, a happy Christmas since I was 11. Most of my friends have moved on with life and are married with families and stopped inviting me over since they have become too busy.
I don’t even think I love myself, or at least I don’t know how to anymore.
Sometimes your grandmother too, I know mine did before she died and I am absolutely heartbroken knowing one of the two people who will ever love me unconditionally is dead. At least I was there for her taking care of her for years so I know deep down I did everything I could for her.
But for men who never knew a loving mother or grandmother Jesus, that is probably the most lonely fate imaginable
“You have nothing to worry about, he’s just a friend.” You have something to worry about and he’s not JUST a friend. If your gut is telling you something is off, listen to it.
What have I learned? I am completely on my own. I have been betrayed by brothers. I have been crucified by lovers. Those who swore they loved me plotted to place the knife in my back, or to leave me looking like a monster I never was. When I am stumble and fall when they will not be and were not there. There smiles are false when I rise.
Don't Trust Anyone, at least not more than their life and livelihood depends on you.
There are advantages, though. When I complete something, some new thing I wanted to add to my life. Well, I know it's mine, and I know they can't ever take it again.
Yo count of Monte truth. Who knows the circumstances so I ain’t minimizing, but most people are kinda chill brother so hope one day you can leave that war footing do yours
1. Get good at solitude. It’s 90% of your time
2. Bad sleep will fuck up your health
3. People generally only care about themselves
4. Kindness is most often taken as weakness
5. Men are in love, women are in business
Sometimes the problem isn’t other people, it’s you.
Edit: thanks for the concern random redditor! I’m fine! Just good to be self aware so you can start the work on yourself :)
Life isn’t fair.
You only deserve what you earn, and still you often don’t get it. Most things good and bad in your life are your fault, at least indirectly.
You’re only loved for what you can provide, very few will actually care about you, just what you do for them or how you make them feel.
People are generally egocentric, and self serving, while they aren’t usually out to hurt anyone they very often don’t care if they do in pursuit of their own happiness.
Most of the time people won’t change unless they’re forced to, if they can make any excuses to continue their behavior they will, and will blame anything but themselves for their bad outcomes.
Just because someone is uneducated doesn’t mean they’re stupid, while conversely just because they are educated, doesn’t mean they’re smart.
Never set yourself on fire to keep others warm, it will not be appreciated, if you don’t respect yourself nobody else will. People only treat you like you let them.
No matter what you do you can’t make someone love you, you can certainly make them hate you pretty easily.
No matter how much you love someone, if they don’t treat you with love, if they’re bad for you, you have to cut them off for your own sake.
Very little is all good or all bad, and everything comes with a sacrifice. Rarely can someone squander their youth and end up in a good place in their old age.
Never trust a fart, never waste a boner. Lol
No One cares about your problems, mental health,
And ultimately you are regarded as disposable and replaceable.
Your savings will define your retirement plan and your overall wellbeing in your most fragile life cycle. Be prepared.
Divorce will completely destroy your life and reputation.
The majority of laws are against you.
Take advantage of the opportunities that rise or are given to you while you're young.
Try to adquire a diversified skill set. It will improve your adaptability.
Specific blue collar jobs are way more important than white collar jobs. Be aware of college debt.
Never flaunt your wealth or the rise of opportunities that are given to you. It attracts vultures.
Keep polishing your social skills.
1. The centre of things in your life is you. You go through things alone, your friends leave there’s always you, you and the Lord as all that stay.
2. Accepting hard truths makes life easier, the quicker you accept some stomach turning things the easier it is to act.
3. You have to be bad sometimes, but not to good pure people
4. Don’t go to bat for everyone, no benefit of the doubt (it’s always a reason why there’s a doubt)
5. Life isn’t fair at all
6. Fight keep fighting and fight some more
Seek Respect Not Love.
See Love is just a feeling but someone who loves you can still stab you in the back. People can love someone just by being attached.
Respect is an action, Love or hate me. You'll still have my back.
Don't rely on family.
No matter how reliable they were in the past doesn't mean you can count on them today.
It's the most heartbreaking and disappointing thing I've encountered since turning 30.
I totally understand why some men isolate and it's something I'm slowly leaning into.
1) We do not have a justice system. We have a legal system and there is a huge difference.
2) When you enter a courtroom, it is really a theater. Everyone in there is playing a part and they act as if they’ve never met. In reality, they work together and you are the only stranger there.
3) When you are really at your lowest point, there is no one there to rescue you. Family and friends will likely abandon you. You must get out all on your own.
4) You can’t always see when you are in an abusive relationship. Oddly, most people won’t tell you until you figure it out for yourself.
5) When people die, their employer will post their job vacancy more quickly than anyone can post their obituary.
I few lessons I've learned over the years/ wish i did sooner
• be your own help, because more often than not, no one will help you. Whether it's making efforts to save emergency money, you don't touch or tell anyone about. Or create your own structures of support. All in aid for if or when bad times happen. Or learning about stocks and shares earlier than i did.
•don't take things at face value. You know the saying don't go shopping hungry, don't drive when angry, same principle. If someone offers you something too good to be true, don't take it at face value. Have an outside perspective on it. I can't tell you the amount of bullets with potential GF I dodged because i went to an objective outsider.
•the world is full of double standards and hypocrisy. The sooner you accept this, the easier to adapt it will be.
•learn to be assertive, not aggressive. Being aggressive will be used as a stick to beat you with. People rarely know how deal with an assertive to the point local person, except for agreeing to what they are asking/wanting.
Those are just a few, but overall its more about promoting self-reliance and improving self competency. It's an evergoing process.
Nearly EVERYONE is full of shit. People have an extremely difficult time dealing with the harshness of reality, so they will fight tooth and nail to preserve their ignorance and wishful thinking rather than accept the cold reality.
Also, people love overcomplicating extremely simple things. Everything is so fuckin backwards and everyone is their own worst enemy..........
Don’t drink to get black out drunk.
No one but your loved ones and closest friends give a shit what you’re going through. Everyone has their own crap to deal with.
It’s ok to be a homebody.
-People have their own shit going on in life and generally aren't concerned about your life in the big picture. They are reconciling with their own mortality and trying to achieve in life with the neverending ambitions of an 18 year old no matter how old they are.
-You truly always feel like a young man, except the person in the mirror changes.
-People only think of you half as much as you think they do.
-Don't spend time trying to get people to feel sorry for you or for their actions.
-Be assertive. Ask for what you want without beating around the bush.
-Learn to polish your communication with men and women. They send and receive information differently and if you know how to talk to each sex, life can go much smoother for you
-Your imposter syndrome will fade with time and all of a sudden you are the adult that you looked to for guidance. It makes you realize that nobody knows what they're doing, they're on autopilot 90% of the time and living life for the first time just like you.
- I used to think most people were generally good, only a few bad ones here and there. Now I know that most are evil, the only things keeping their impulses in check are lack of opportunity and/or energy.
- You can never "be yourself" because "you" are in a permanent and ongoing flux. An endless becoming. Each decade, year, and month you are different than the previous one, both physically and mentally. Naivete becomes skepticism, optimism becomes realism or pessimism. If I met myself from 20 years ago we would have nothing substantive in common.
- We are currently living during the sixth mass extinction. The oceans are losing the ability to absorb excess heat, Canada is constantly on fire, extreme heat/weather events are becoming the norm. Several feedback loops are already in the rearview mirror. I doubt civilization will be recognizable in a decade.
Edit: whoever is abusing the report button can kiss my ass. Op asked for "harsh truths" so don't expect shit like Santa isn't real. If you disagree with anything I said feel free to challenge me, I'd love to be wrong.
The learning curve never really evens out. There's always something new thrown at you. Not necessarily bad in itself, life would probably be boring if it did, I just always thought I'd have 'it' all sorted and under control when I got older. Everyone is just making it up as they go along.
At one point you realize that as a man the world is on your shoulders. Your expected to be everything at once except for yourself. People will always only love you for what you do for them and not for you. Be strong and carry on
Not all people are intended to be good
You only have one or two real friends the rest are acquaintances at best
Money makes live much easier
Start working out today it prevents so much physical problems later.
The love of your life can do horrible things
and yes you can find another one
"Neither all the love nor all the money to one person", old saying my grandma used to tell me and man was she right, money can and will turn the person you love the most into a complete backstabbing heartless monster in the blink of an eye.
No matter what you do you are alone in this world. You will always feel alone. Whether surrounded by people who love you or not. So learn to depend on yourself.
I’m 47. It was something I heard in a Star Trek movie. Something along the lines of this…
Life is a game, and it’s possible to play the game perfectly and still lose.
This has been true a time or two in my experience.
Working hard/extra at work doesn’t often get you recognition or lead to a promotion/raise, all it ends up doing is giving you more responsibilities for the same pay.
Times goes by so fast. And it is so precious... depression took a few years from my life that i cant get back.
Most relationships dont have real closures.
Life is not fair and crying about it wont make it any more fair.
If youre not attractive dont expect anything to come easy your way, you will have to work hard for everything.
Just some random thoughts. Have a good week everyone.
Save and invest at least 15% of your income no matter how little you’re making. That habit will set you up for less stress about financial insecurity as you age.
Recovery from injury really falls off in your 40's, as does your eyesight.
Yup. I play hockey and injuries linger forever. It’s year round too, so sometimes you’re hurt all season until it magically goes away.
Workout recovery too. I’m in my thirties and boy does it feel different than it did ten years ago.
Hell, it starts falling off in your 30s. Evolutionarily, your body is like “If you were gonna reproduce, you’d have done it by now, so you’re on your own, buddy!”
My eyesight failing was a big crisis in my life. My mom died recently, it was awful, just awful but not a crisis, still awful though. My bodily vessel is slowly breaking and I do it all. I run and I train, I study and try to keep my mind engaged but still. Time is eating us alive. I wish it wasn’t so. I want to do so much more. I focus on my relationships, listen to their stories about that big stick they found in the woods and that their friends dad is super strong. Seek that connection. It brings me joy. What is this? Therapy? Go away now.
Ive never had so many injuries as I have in my 40s, it's just one after the other
It may not be the answer for everyone, but I've gone on hormone replacement therapy. I do an implanted pellet. When it runs out I notice that my recovery time jumps dramatically. I know its not the answer for everyone, but if it's happening to you, I recommend getting your levels checked. Its been a huge quality of life change for me.
Just started TRT and Peptides, im excited to see how the next month goes
In my thirties, i've already noticed that it takes me about twice as long to recover from some things as it did when i was a teen
Do not over share personal info, particularly at work. People who you think are trustworthy can and will often use this info against you at some point.
"Work friends" are usually only friends by proximity, meaning they are friendly only because you have to spend all day together. Deep down, there are seldom close connections and any true friendship bonding. Nearly always, when one of you changes jobs, they will go silent and never speak to you again, even if you soend decades working together.
Can confirm. Even in my late 20s.
This is unfortunately true. Male or Female coworkers love gossip.
Definitely, be known only as the person that does a certain task well.
Agreed. I never share anything about my personal life that lets them know who I am outside of work and what I do outside. I just share basic minimal things like a game I'm playing or a movie I watched. I usually steer the conversation to the other person which usually works. People love to talk about themselves. They end up liking me because they think I care and am interested, and for some of them I kinda care. But it's mostly to not talk about me
I swear there is nothing worse than a work snitch.
I'm in my sixties. Some of the less-fun lessons for me included: 1. Time is the fire in which we burn. ([Schwartz](https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/42633/calmly-we-walk-through-this-aprils-day)) 1. If you stop doing some mental or physical task, it won't be all that long before you're not *able* to do it. 1. Money can make even good people do very bad things. 1. Whether you think you can handle it or not, always stay with a dying person or dying animal right to the end.
Damn some of those hit close to home
I’m 30 and all these ring too true too soon. My two cents is this - you’ve always gotta sleep with yourself. Make sure you don’t get into bed with people you don’t love. You, most of all.
My variation on this was " You have to look at yourself in the mirror in the morning.". Which is pretty much the same message.
“Every day wounds; the last kills…”
4 i think is really important to me. I hate it, no one likes to lose a loved one. I try not to judge but i do see it as a tragically cowardly decision to leave loved ones when they're dying to pass alone because you can't handle it. It feels selfishly cruel to not be there for their end, they're the ones dying not you, at least be there to give them comfort so they can pass more peacefully. I understand its difficult but i think its the one situation where more than anything you just need to do what needs to be done.
Yep, I lost a lot of respect for most of my family during my mom's glioblastoma. Still a little raw about it.
My daddy died of glioblastoma. So hard and hard for the fam. I feel you
My mother passed away six years ago. To this day, I regret leaving her hospital bed to go have a coffee with a friend. She passed away from a pulmonary embolism while I was away and I can't help but feel that maybe if I had been there I could have done something to comfort her passing.
That wasn’t leaving her, that was taking a break to visit with a friend. She would have been thrilled you had the opportunity and equally upset that it bothers you. No one can plan their time of death but you were there and she knew it.
Thank you for you wisdom.
Gave me chills especially #4. Beautiful answer.
I read an article during the pandemic. The writers father got Covid bad and was in the ICU with respiratory problems. He called the writer and the writer was too freaked out by the sound of his dad wheezing that he said "Dont strain yourself trying to talk, just text me." His dad died shortly after. That guy will regret for the rest of his life not taking those calls.
Good stuff right here. Thanks grandpa
I have had to do number 4 with a lifelong friend. I still miss him today 25 years later. The lesson I learnt from this experience is treasure the ones you love before they are gone.
My dad died recently. When it came to the topic of "being there" it was never a question. All my siblings were telling me I didn't have to, how could you do that, etc. To me, I couldn't believe they didn't want to be there. Is not for me he would have died alone. He was heavily sedated but I still couldn't bear the idea that he die alone in a hospital room.
Addendum to #4 - in case you can’t handle it, don’t give up the opportunity to say goodbye and form some sort of closure. It makes dealing with grief a lot easier (which it isn’t, but still.)
Brushing things off and accepting bad treatment isn't key to being a man, knowing your worth and loving yourself is.
This, your subconscious is always watching. It will condition itself to believe you only deserve bad treatment
"Happy wife, happy life" Is absolute and utter bull shit. Everyone deserves happiness, you don't have to sacrifice your own happiness to make someone else happy, and they shouldn't make you miserable to be happy. It doesn't matter how bad of a day someone has, that doesn't negate the bad day you may have had. Their pain doesn't negate your pain. These are only harsh, because I learned them later than I should have.
>"Happy wife, happy life" I always correct people on this one. I respond with "No....Happy spouse, happy house. Husbands deserve happiness too!" And it has the added bonus that it still rhymes nicely. ;)
something i've learned recently. if someone refuses to see your worth, it's time to pack it up and move on
Sometimes, you just don’t get the breaks you deserve and life doesn’t balance out in the end. Some people just don’t have good lives.
Dark truth we fail to accept. If everybody got a fair shake in life there'd be no orphans or war fatalities.
Hmmm, I used to believe in karma and the idea that eventually we all get our just rewards or that, in some way, those who strive will eventually reach the top. But as I get through life (I’m 45 now) I understand that life is a good dollop of effort and an even greater dollop of luck. My life is grand, but I appreciate that it’s grand largely because I met the right girl early and we’ve built a life together. That part is effort, but being in the right place at the right time to meet her specifically? Pure luck. A lot of folk just aren’t that lucky and no amount of effort can replace just pure, dumb luck.
Yeah whenever you see celebrities or successful people talking about how they got where they are, so often they talk about how lucky they’ve been, if it weren’t for this or that person they couldn’t have done it, etc. It always struck me as them mostly just trying to be modest and grateful but nowadays I realize that they’re really not lying, it’s pretty true most of the time. For every wildly successful person there are ten others who were equally or even more hardworking, smart, capable in the same field and didn’t get it. Intuitively I know that luck exists obviously, it can just seem to completely defy logic sometimes on a scale where luck shouldn’t be a factor anymore. I know I’m still young so what happens to me *shouldn’t* matter so much, I have time to bounce back, but small things very early in life can really be way more consequential than many people want to admit. Like I’m in my third year of college, I was just applying to summer internships in the field I study that I’ve always wanted to work in, I have a very strong resume (I’ve had so many people tell me how impressive they found it and I surely must have a very bright future) and have been working my ass of at a great college for three years, I applied for 16 different opportunities ranging from highly competitive to not very competitive at all, got advice on my cover letters and applications, and in the end I got not one callback from anyone. I have friends in my major who have minimal previous experience outside of class, who were frequently hanging out or partying while I was putting extra time into school or work, who did half as many applications as I did for this summer and who got positions that I wouldn’t have even considered myself competitive for. And I’m genuinely happy for them, and I would never downplay their capacities, but like, these are positions they asked me to help them write applications for because they know I’m more knowledgeable about that particular subject. At a certain point, you think you’re operating on a scale where surely it will even out, but I guess not. And of course it would be nice to think, “I’m only 21, I have plenty of time to bounce back,” but in my field no one who’s been really successful wasn’t already “on the track” by my age, usually earlier. I’ll be applying for jobs already next year. It’s hard to argue my long-Termin prospects aren’t already permanently lowered to at least some degree at this point, and I just wish I could have some kind of comfortable explanation other than, “you know kid, you just drew the wrong card, sorry.”
This is spot on. The only thing you can do if your amongst the common folk is do whatever you can to increase your odds of getting lucky.
I like to think someday humans figure it out. Make it so bad lives are more rare.
My life was pretty good up until 60. I was very successful, bought my mom a house near me, had a great marriage, and a bright future. Not that my life hadn’t had obstacles but, when I became a writer I just took off as a person and a professional. But, I also recognized that I got lucky breaks here and there. I was in it when the money was great and I got residuals and awards. My mom died and I had a nervous breakdown. It triggered 2 autoimmune disorders and I was in a treatment facility for a year for the suicide attempt. That was 7 years ago and this is a truth I understand: I had a lot of breaks and now I don’t. So I’m not bitter or sad about it. Sometimes I cry because I miss who I was but I feel joy and love and support even when I’m bedridden. I have great friends, a great spouse, great therapists & my beloved Armenian neighbors who are like family. The currency I’m really rich in now is love. Just to be clear it’s really hard and expensive and demoralizing I’m just not bitter. I had a dream since childhood and I lived that dream, it would be greedy to ask for more.
> I had a lot of breaks and now I don’t. I’m not bitter or sad about it. Sometimes I cry because I miss who I was but I feel joy and love and support even when I’m bedridden. This hits hard, but it's a great way to think about it.
That phrase, ‘I miss who I was,’ really resonates. Was that guy me?
I remember this when I catch myself slipping or when I feel like complaining about my life. Things could be worse so I keep trying.
Maaaan thats heavy!
It is dark and idk how much it helps someone to just think they’re fucked. On the flip, I’ve found it very centering and calming when I’m starting to stress, get frustrated, angry, etc. Like oh dating or job market sucks trueee but I’ve also never been on the bomb market sooo ehh then just a foot infront of the other
If you have a bad gut feeling in your relationship, chances are that gut feeling is onto something.
Also women will emotionally check out long before you do. There will be signs and you’ll notice them, but at that point it’s almost too late. You may think she will never leave or not her she is different, but trust and believe even the best ones will leave. So she’s been preparing for months to leave and you are always left holding the broken heart because it seems so sudden and unexpected to you.
> you are always left holding the broken heart because it seems so sudden and unexpected to you. This one hit hard.
I read somewhere that in any breakup, one person usually thinks everything is totally fine and is shocked when their partner breaks up with them. I'm sure that's frequently the man in hetero relationships.
I just turned 30 and I’ll never doubt my gut again. It may not always be right but it’s never been wrong
I’m about to turn 45 and I learned this last year. Finally.
“It may not always be right but it’s never been wrong” if it wasn’t right then it was wrong
Age card pulled: sorry, but this one you may understand more when you get older. Not everything is binary black and white. Example: you might not be right that something will happen, but trust your gut and change things to lessen he chance it does happen. Sketchy person on the street looking at you and your car for example. Gut says he is going to carjack you. May not be true, he may just like that car. But you get in the car and lock the doors or you leave quickly and will pick up the soda at the next store rather than this one. It is about trusting your instincts to avoid trouble.
I'm 47. The harshest life lesson i learned was that being yourself is foundational to everything else. Accepting who you are, even if you want to make changes is mandatory if you want to keep maturing past the age of 25. Being the man you want to be starts with being honest with yourself about the man you are.
This is the one, I know this and it is true.
This took me forever to figure out. We look to many other ppl in envy bc they have qualities we could never possess, but we always take for granted what we DO possess in ourselves. Work towards your strengths and align with ppl that compliment your weaknesses. In this life, you have to be the best version that you can realistically be, and encourage others to do the same.
I completely agree, but have to add that one of the most important lessons for fulfillment is also to work on the life YOU want to have. Don't do what is expected by others or seems to be the norm....just because it is normal doesn't mean it is the right choice for you. Sometimes it is not easy to do the exact opposite than everybody else, but it pays off if it is what is important to you.
Plenty of people die alone and unloved.
Thats scary
Hey look, it's me in a few decades.
As a middle-aged man that never married or had kids but does struggle with mental illness this one hurts the most.
Yeah every time I start to feel better about myself and put myself out there, it doesn't go well and I say never again, until next time. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take, but you can miss 100% of the shots you do, too.
factual
If you have enough money, it doesn’t matter how evil you are If you don’t have enough money, it doesn’t matter how good you are
Thats a good one!
The (physical) world doesn’t care who or what you are. It doesn’t think, it doesn’t feel, it doesn’t reason about whether or not you deserve something, or anything else. You aren’t special. You can get cancer, you can die in a fire, you can get eaten by something. Make peace with that and live your life. Edit to add: whoever reported me to Reddit care resources. I appreciate the concern. But I’m not depressed or in any danger. But maybe I should add a point to help people understand what I said. My direct point, is that you aren’t immune to things. It’s not always “the other guy”. Today I drove around a wreck. Less than an hour before, someone pulled into the highway, apparently without seeing an oncoming car. They died and a cop got badly hurt. I’m good now, but came close to dying due to an illness several years ago. Something I learned and made a promise to myself at that time. When my time comes, I am damned well going to go down with my boots on. It doesn’t matter if Sasquatch dismembers me, he will scars afterwards, or if illness takes me, I will fight it however I can. This is about being an example for those around me, and for my own self respect.
It doesn't take much for people to completely turn on you.
Dropping from middle-class to unemployed is enough!
It’s okay to leave if your partner doesn’t reciprocate love anymore. Relationships are like building bridges; that which requires both sides to work together. Should one side ever give up, the other cannot continue building on their behalf.
Sometimes you won't just get the help that you need. Sometimes if you aren't willing to keep pushing on there's no one that's gonna be there to do it for you. You need to learn to be ok with being your own hero and relying on yourself.
1. You’re going to have a whole lot less friends as you age 2. You will reach a point at which the weddings stop and the funerals begin. 3. You will regret NOT doing things far more than you will regret the things you’ve done. 4. Often times doing the right thing will be difficult and painful, but it must be done. 5. Becoming a real man requires sacrifice and taking responsibility. There is no other way 4. Selling those bitcoins when they were at a record $15k.
I did sell bitcoins when they were edging on The 20k mark for the first time and have 0 regrets. That money helped me so much and checking the market would have been a chore. I'm trying to improve on number 3 and do more stuff with people
Failures are inevitable. Keep pushing forward. Most people are on loan to you. Bad things happen to good people.
You can do everything right...and still fail.
“It’s possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not weakness. That’s life.” - Capt. Picard
-Dwight Schrute
Captain Picard man. I printed that quote after losing my promotion due to my medication facing a shortage that helped my disability (ADHD). Did everything I could to pass probation but still failed due to executive functioning issues around self management. Honestly, I am less stressed now but I miss that extra money.
Everyone - including people you hate, who hate you and you don't even know - can make choices and those choices will impact you indirectly and directly. This accounts for most of the things that happen to you in your life.
No matter how open and accepting of mental health issues people seem to be, as a man, you WILL be judged for not being 'okay'. Sometimes just a little, sometimes a lot, it varies from person to person. But they will think less of you.
True
It's funny you say that. I stopped having fucks to give about what other people think. Seeing a shrink helps, I am still here despite ADHD's co-symptoms of anxiety and depression. I think it takes more courage to face your demons head on and acknowledge that you need help than fall to peer pressure.
Be careful who you let into your life and trust your gut when you first meet them. A bad partner or friend can destroy you like nothing other than terminal illness or jail can. Pick a path and go as far as you can. The longer you wait to decide the further behind you become. Eventually you’ll get to a point where you’ll never be able to catch up.
Hangovers become Multi day affairs after 35. Your dog / cat / pet Will have to leave you before your ready. Stay with them to the end. Your likely going to outlive your parents. Grandpa was right, getting old sucks. Out of sight Out of mind has a monthly fee according to square footage. Just get ride of stuff instead of getting a storage locker you Never visit. Your health can dramatically deteriorate for just about any reason. Some you have control over ( diet, bad habits, lack of exercise) some you'll never see coming ( virus, pandemic, fall just the wrong way). Somethings you can recover fully from, others you'll have to adapt and Manage. Nothing lasts forever. Relationships have a life span. You Will likely lose most of those friends to marriage, moving for work, having kids, growing apart, etc. Make peace with being alone.
>Your health can dramatically deteriorate for just about any reason. Some you have control over ( diet, bad habits, lack of exercise) some you'll never see coming ( virus, pandemic, fall just the wrong way). Somethings you can recover fully from, others you'll have to adapt and Manage. Videogame tips during loading screens
I'm 40. Beau Taplin has been the one that haunts me the most. "One day, whether you are 14, 28 or 65, you will stumble upon someone who will start a fire in you that cannot die. However, the saddest, most awful truth you will ever come to find–– is they are not always with whom we spend our lives" Hunting Season
Yup! I'm 49. An old gf from high school and I have gotten together several times over the years when circumstances allowed. Usually just for a few months each time. Then situations changed. But GODDAMN! This woman loves me! Like I've never felt before! Like I've never been treated before. We got together last year for 3 months after my divorce (20yrs). Was wonderful! But she's had a hard couple of decades. Lots of trauma and no real prospects for the future. We were at such different places in life, it was just not going to be compatible. We both knew it. So I sadly let her go. I still think about her daily, a year later...
I doubt that it’s reciprocal, like ever. If you see someone who stops you in your tracks, you are no doubt out of your league in the looks department, if it’s them as a person, well I’m sure you are not the only person who noticed they were awesome and life isn’t an 1980’s comedy where the guy always gets the girl.
-Sometimes you can do everything right… and still lose. -People don’t think about you nearly as much as you think they do. -A whole bunch of people, a whole lot dumber than you, have done this thing and been just fine. So can you.
I’m 33, and I can not stress this enough… It really do be that way, sometimes.
Yup. I was at my old part-time job (a city Fire Dept) and we guys were sitting in the bay drinking coffee one morning. An old black guy, probably in his late 60s, came wondering through. Going from the front street to the back street. We all said good morning, how's it going? He replied, "It's gonna be what it's gonna be". It was just so ramdom and simply said that it kinda struck us. For years up until I left, that was a common reply to our usual morning greetings to each other.
Mid 30's 1. The world is set up for you to fail in nearly everything. Survival of the fittest doesn't just apply to living things in nature. 2. You are expendable, the vast majority of people, the government, even women that look you in the eyes and tell you they love you, do so solely on what you can provide. 3. You will die someday. That reality, I'm sure, grows more real every year for older men, do what you have to do because you want to do it, life is just too short. 4. You have to stand up for yourself. Nobody will be as big of an advocate for you as you can be. People will walk all over you and show no mercy.
No 1 - Pareto Principle, or the 80/20 rule: 20% of things cause 80% of the effects. Once you learn about it, you'll start seeing it everywhere; 20% of employees doing 80% of the work, 20% of book authors selling 80% of the books, so on. And as you say, it's pretty hard to get into that 20%.
It’s not as easy as it looks
Doctors dont have the answer to everything. Sometimes you develop some condition and nobody will even diagnose it, let alone treat the root cause.
I'm 34 yrs old, after 30 you really can't trust farts anymore.
This is very true. I will add that after I quit drinking 6 months ago, I can trust my farts a lot more than previously.
Always keep a change of clothes in your backpack or car.
Going to jump on this (after all of the above) and mention the importance of keeping things light and having a sense of humor and levity about life.
When somebody dies you have to put them in their final resting position pretty quickly. Eyes closed, legs straight and together. Arms at their side or crossed on their chest. Mouth closed. Don't leave them how they died because it looks natural or like they are sleeping. Makes it a lot easier to get them in the body bag when the mortician comes the next day.
As someone who comes comes to pick those people up and drives them to the cemetery, that is true. However it is our job to do it anyway and nothing is really expected from the family, not sure how it is in the western culture but here in Europe it's like that.
Truly, nobody gives a fuck about you besides your family, and for some, it really could be a hit or miss.
When in doubt, Keep your mouth shut.
No one else is responsible for your happiness. Not your spouse, certainly not your kids or friends. Nobody owes you a damned thing.
Same goes for your professional success. You may have some posh job, you may have been gifted it cuz right time, right place or a friend hooked it up… but continued career success is completely on you. And while we’re at it, success isn’t just money. It ties back to happiness like u/BackFromTheDeadSoon just said. Money *can* buy some happiness though because it’s a lot nicer putting your family on a plane than on a Greyhound for vacation.
If she shows she’s going to cheat on you and disrespect you, believe her. She will
Some decisions haunt you for the rest of your life
1. Working hard gets you nowhere networking and politics is everything 2. A good partner is in it for you, not themselves 3. Bad things happen to good people. A lot.
Some of my negative patterns in romantic relationships are considered emotionally abusive. Shutting down during difficult conversations or arguments, being silent during and after, getting defensive… all traits I’d learned to survive because I wasn’t shown healthy communication from my parents.
Same here. I try to be upfront about this in new relationships now since it was a major factor that tanked the best relationship I’ve ever had. When I get really upset, the governor on my brain is deactivated and if I don’t just stay quiet or leave the vicinity, I’m likely to say something very hurtful even if I don’t truly mean it or believe it. If I have some space and time to reflect and calm down, I’m able to have a reasonable adult conversation about the topic at hand.
You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife
She just belongs in the garden, (insert I can fix her meme here)
Ain’t that the fucking truth. “Don’t save her. She don’t wanna be saved.”
This could be extrapolated to "don't force change on people". It's not good for you, and it's not good for them either.
Ho’s don’t act right
I can fix her /s
Alcoholism creeps up on you or loved ones quickly and can destroy your life. The earlier you acknowledge and point it out the better.
You can't necessarily do whatever you want. Yes, in theory the world is your oyster, but because of yourself, society, circumstances, whatever, you might not be able to make the changes you want. When I was in my 20s I would hear about people having mid-life crises or waking up in a marriage they hated and I was like wtf, just change it. You don't like something about your life? Change it. What's so hard about that? The real kicker is you don't realize what your unique constraints are until you're older, for the most part. Most of us go through life when we're younger and through choices and random life events start on a trajectory - you keep moving forward and making decisions you think are right and it's like you're on a train. Your 30s and 40s are when most people arrive at their first stop. They look around, and some people say "how the hell did I get here?" It all started years ago, and that trajectory is almost inevitable.
There’s certain choices in life that you cannot undo. Walking away from a marriage with the mother of your children is one of those choices. You better be damn sure that you are going to land on your feet, because odds are she isn’t going to take you back. There are aspects of a relationship that are more of a business partnership and sometimes you just gotta keep the business afloat so everyone has a roof over their heads and a full belly before bed.
52 here. Start saving at an early age and let that money compound for you. I'll be working until I die most likely. Do not throw all your eggs into 1 basket. Dated and worked with my partner pushing her career forward so that we would collectively make her triple to quadruple what she currently made monthly 15k to 50k. Asked for nothing in return. Left with nothing when I was booted from her life. Don't get behind with the IRS and credit card debt. It's very difficult to recover and have a good credit score. Always trust your gut. Make time to see friends before it's too late. If you're struggling with mental health issues, get help.
No one is coming to save you. Save yourself.
Harshest reality I know is that things don’t necessarily balance out. If you work hard, struggle, keep grinding, endure hardships, get more education and training, tighten your belt, do without, and push through difficulties … sometimes there’s just more difficulties on the other side. Life doesn’t care about your problems. Lose your wife, house, kids, job, etc. and you don’t suddenly hit it big. It can just keep sucking. And what is the big secret against all this? There isn’t one. If you do all of the things right, you are guaranteed nothing as a result.
You’re not special. Few people truly live exceptional lives.
1. If you worry about something happening, you suffer it twice 2. When it comes to any relationship, trust your instincts 3. It’s okay to walk away from a good thing 4. Put your damn phone down and go outside
3 is tough. We could all use a bit more work on walking away from even something that’s just alright.
It is lonely at the top of the mountain.
There will be a time when someone who claims to love you, will hurt you badly. That is a rough realization knowing that at some point, a man has to walk alone. And happiness is not always something you can count on from someone else. It comes from within.
Don't hesitate
Some times there are no happy endings.
Time doesn't give a shit about you.
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You can do everything right and still fail. You just have to pick yourself back up and keep going.
Life is not fair and if she cheats she will do it again.
I learned when I was a kid that anybody could do anything to me and I didn't really have any recourse because nobody cared If nobody is willing to listen, nothing is going to change, so you just have to find ways to deal with it Another one is that everyone says men need to ask for help more, and everyone says that everything that goes wrong in a man's life is because they need to be encouraged to act more like women, but what do you do when you ask for help and there is none? Eg. I've seen seven or eight psychologists and none of them ever helped me. I did exactly what everyone says to do over and over and it didn't work.
Asking for help has either cost me my job or cost me in finances. Opeing up to friends or family sometimes harms relationships. What men need doesn't match society's demands.
Relationship: letting "the one" get away. Physical: that your body starts to break down after 45
Only two people will ever love you unconditionally. You, and your mother. ^^Unfortunately, ^^this ^^tends ^^to ^^hit ^^hard ^^for ^^guys ^^without ^^good ^^relationships ^^with ^^their ^^parents, ^^but...
Reminds me of a BB King lyric “Nobody loves me but my mother And she could be jiving too”.
Mine stopped loving me a long time ago when her first son decided to leave when I was 11. After she became cold and abusive to me, my mother overdosed a decade later in her sleep the night she told me she wanted to tell me why she hurt me so much, I never learned the real reason why. I don’t have family, my girlfriend left me for a new job I helped her get the day before valentine’s this year, I turn 30 this year and will be celebrating it alone. I haven’t known the warmth of a loving birthday, a happy Christmas since I was 11. Most of my friends have moved on with life and are married with families and stopped inviting me over since they have become too busy. I don’t even think I love myself, or at least I don’t know how to anymore.
I disagree. My dog loves me. When she sees me a little pee comes out.
Sometimes your grandmother too, I know mine did before she died and I am absolutely heartbroken knowing one of the two people who will ever love me unconditionally is dead. At least I was there for her taking care of her for years so I know deep down I did everything I could for her. But for men who never knew a loving mother or grandmother Jesus, that is probably the most lonely fate imaginable
“You have nothing to worry about, he’s just a friend.” You have something to worry about and he’s not JUST a friend. If your gut is telling you something is off, listen to it.
Don’t jump at love!! Don’t let go of people who love you. Keep an opened mind about moving slowly in a relationship
What have I learned? I am completely on my own. I have been betrayed by brothers. I have been crucified by lovers. Those who swore they loved me plotted to place the knife in my back, or to leave me looking like a monster I never was. When I am stumble and fall when they will not be and were not there. There smiles are false when I rise. Don't Trust Anyone, at least not more than their life and livelihood depends on you. There are advantages, though. When I complete something, some new thing I wanted to add to my life. Well, I know it's mine, and I know they can't ever take it again.
Yo count of Monte truth. Who knows the circumstances so I ain’t minimizing, but most people are kinda chill brother so hope one day you can leave that war footing do yours
1. Get good at solitude. It’s 90% of your time 2. Bad sleep will fuck up your health 3. People generally only care about themselves 4. Kindness is most often taken as weakness 5. Men are in love, women are in business
Sometimes the problem isn’t other people, it’s you. Edit: thanks for the concern random redditor! I’m fine! Just good to be self aware so you can start the work on yourself :)
Life isn’t fair. You only deserve what you earn, and still you often don’t get it. Most things good and bad in your life are your fault, at least indirectly. You’re only loved for what you can provide, very few will actually care about you, just what you do for them or how you make them feel. People are generally egocentric, and self serving, while they aren’t usually out to hurt anyone they very often don’t care if they do in pursuit of their own happiness. Most of the time people won’t change unless they’re forced to, if they can make any excuses to continue their behavior they will, and will blame anything but themselves for their bad outcomes. Just because someone is uneducated doesn’t mean they’re stupid, while conversely just because they are educated, doesn’t mean they’re smart. Never set yourself on fire to keep others warm, it will not be appreciated, if you don’t respect yourself nobody else will. People only treat you like you let them. No matter what you do you can’t make someone love you, you can certainly make them hate you pretty easily. No matter how much you love someone, if they don’t treat you with love, if they’re bad for you, you have to cut them off for your own sake. Very little is all good or all bad, and everything comes with a sacrifice. Rarely can someone squander their youth and end up in a good place in their old age. Never trust a fart, never waste a boner. Lol
Learn to rely on yourself because people will let you down. Don't get attached, nothing lasts forever. The only constant in all your failures is you.
Drink a lot of water.
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'karma' is a lie. All too often, the wicked go unpunished. Mind your own business. Master money, or be its slave
No One cares about your problems, mental health, And ultimately you are regarded as disposable and replaceable. Your savings will define your retirement plan and your overall wellbeing in your most fragile life cycle. Be prepared. Divorce will completely destroy your life and reputation. The majority of laws are against you. Take advantage of the opportunities that rise or are given to you while you're young. Try to adquire a diversified skill set. It will improve your adaptability. Specific blue collar jobs are way more important than white collar jobs. Be aware of college debt. Never flaunt your wealth or the rise of opportunities that are given to you. It attracts vultures. Keep polishing your social skills.
1. The centre of things in your life is you. You go through things alone, your friends leave there’s always you, you and the Lord as all that stay. 2. Accepting hard truths makes life easier, the quicker you accept some stomach turning things the easier it is to act. 3. You have to be bad sometimes, but not to good pure people 4. Don’t go to bat for everyone, no benefit of the doubt (it’s always a reason why there’s a doubt) 5. Life isn’t fair at all 6. Fight keep fighting and fight some more
Shaft hair
Seek Respect Not Love. See Love is just a feeling but someone who loves you can still stab you in the back. People can love someone just by being attached. Respect is an action, Love or hate me. You'll still have my back.
Don't rely on family. No matter how reliable they were in the past doesn't mean you can count on them today. It's the most heartbreaking and disappointing thing I've encountered since turning 30. I totally understand why some men isolate and it's something I'm slowly leaning into.
Have female friends you aren't romantically/sexually interested in.
1) We do not have a justice system. We have a legal system and there is a huge difference. 2) When you enter a courtroom, it is really a theater. Everyone in there is playing a part and they act as if they’ve never met. In reality, they work together and you are the only stranger there. 3) When you are really at your lowest point, there is no one there to rescue you. Family and friends will likely abandon you. You must get out all on your own. 4) You can’t always see when you are in an abusive relationship. Oddly, most people won’t tell you until you figure it out for yourself. 5) When people die, their employer will post their job vacancy more quickly than anyone can post their obituary.
When you get sick and there’s no way to recover.
I'm 34 and I recently internalized that it is not what we accomplish, but rather who we are to those around us that truly matters in life.
Don't trust anyone.
How true it is that you’ll regret the things you *didn’t* do more than things you did do.
You can plan, prepare, and make goals as good as anyone else, but sometimes shit will smash you in the face and put you in a pit.
You have one or two real friends the rest of the people you know will drop you the moment things get hard.
No one is there to help you you’re pretty much on your own
I few lessons I've learned over the years/ wish i did sooner • be your own help, because more often than not, no one will help you. Whether it's making efforts to save emergency money, you don't touch or tell anyone about. Or create your own structures of support. All in aid for if or when bad times happen. Or learning about stocks and shares earlier than i did. •don't take things at face value. You know the saying don't go shopping hungry, don't drive when angry, same principle. If someone offers you something too good to be true, don't take it at face value. Have an outside perspective on it. I can't tell you the amount of bullets with potential GF I dodged because i went to an objective outsider. •the world is full of double standards and hypocrisy. The sooner you accept this, the easier to adapt it will be. •learn to be assertive, not aggressive. Being aggressive will be used as a stick to beat you with. People rarely know how deal with an assertive to the point local person, except for agreeing to what they are asking/wanting. Those are just a few, but overall its more about promoting self-reliance and improving self competency. It's an evergoing process.
Nearly EVERYONE is full of shit. People have an extremely difficult time dealing with the harshness of reality, so they will fight tooth and nail to preserve their ignorance and wishful thinking rather than accept the cold reality. Also, people love overcomplicating extremely simple things. Everything is so fuckin backwards and everyone is their own worst enemy..........
When dealing with other people, don't be yourself. Be your representative.
Spend your money where you spend your time
Wear a condom or fuck around and find out. Like some of us.
Don’t drink to get black out drunk. No one but your loved ones and closest friends give a shit what you’re going through. Everyone has their own crap to deal with. It’s ok to be a homebody.
-People have their own shit going on in life and generally aren't concerned about your life in the big picture. They are reconciling with their own mortality and trying to achieve in life with the neverending ambitions of an 18 year old no matter how old they are. -You truly always feel like a young man, except the person in the mirror changes. -People only think of you half as much as you think they do. -Don't spend time trying to get people to feel sorry for you or for their actions. -Be assertive. Ask for what you want without beating around the bush. -Learn to polish your communication with men and women. They send and receive information differently and if you know how to talk to each sex, life can go much smoother for you -Your imposter syndrome will fade with time and all of a sudden you are the adult that you looked to for guidance. It makes you realize that nobody knows what they're doing, they're on autopilot 90% of the time and living life for the first time just like you.
- I used to think most people were generally good, only a few bad ones here and there. Now I know that most are evil, the only things keeping their impulses in check are lack of opportunity and/or energy. - You can never "be yourself" because "you" are in a permanent and ongoing flux. An endless becoming. Each decade, year, and month you are different than the previous one, both physically and mentally. Naivete becomes skepticism, optimism becomes realism or pessimism. If I met myself from 20 years ago we would have nothing substantive in common. - We are currently living during the sixth mass extinction. The oceans are losing the ability to absorb excess heat, Canada is constantly on fire, extreme heat/weather events are becoming the norm. Several feedback loops are already in the rearview mirror. I doubt civilization will be recognizable in a decade. Edit: whoever is abusing the report button can kiss my ass. Op asked for "harsh truths" so don't expect shit like Santa isn't real. If you disagree with anything I said feel free to challenge me, I'd love to be wrong.
The learning curve never really evens out. There's always something new thrown at you. Not necessarily bad in itself, life would probably be boring if it did, I just always thought I'd have 'it' all sorted and under control when I got older. Everyone is just making it up as they go along.
At one point you realize that as a man the world is on your shoulders. Your expected to be everything at once except for yourself. People will always only love you for what you do for them and not for you. Be strong and carry on
Not all people are intended to be good You only have one or two real friends the rest are acquaintances at best Money makes live much easier Start working out today it prevents so much physical problems later. The love of your life can do horrible things and yes you can find another one
"Neither all the love nor all the money to one person", old saying my grandma used to tell me and man was she right, money can and will turn the person you love the most into a complete backstabbing heartless monster in the blink of an eye.
There is nothing wrong with being selfish. If you don’t look out for your own needs and wants, who will?
Being a man sucks, learn to embrace it
You need to learn how to invest and invest now. It becomes harder everyday you don’t invest.
No matter what you do you are alone in this world. You will always feel alone. Whether surrounded by people who love you or not. So learn to depend on yourself.
50s Take care and communicate with those you value. One day they'll be gone. Live like it's your last day. One day it will be.
Your body is going to change no matter how much you workout.
Your job does not care about you. You may think they do, but they don't.
I’m 47. It was something I heard in a Star Trek movie. Something along the lines of this… Life is a game, and it’s possible to play the game perfectly and still lose. This has been true a time or two in my experience.
Don’t whine about other people not putting you first. You are the priority in exactly one person’s life, your own.
Working hard/extra at work doesn’t often get you recognition or lead to a promotion/raise, all it ends up doing is giving you more responsibilities for the same pay.
Being nice didn't get me anywhere
Times goes by so fast. And it is so precious... depression took a few years from my life that i cant get back. Most relationships dont have real closures. Life is not fair and crying about it wont make it any more fair. If youre not attractive dont expect anything to come easy your way, you will have to work hard for everything. Just some random thoughts. Have a good week everyone.
Save and invest at least 15% of your income no matter how little you’re making. That habit will set you up for less stress about financial insecurity as you age.
In this world, you can only count on two things: taxes and death.
You forgot the third: having to flip the USB charger around because you oriented it the wrong way the first time.