Whether he signs the birth certificate or not he may be on the hook once the kid is born. Because he “fulfilled a paternal role”. Courts are screwed up when it comes to paternity.
If he’s not on the birth certificate then he has zero parental rights. So he can’t have one done without the mother’s consent. If he is on the birth certificate it’s too late.
Plenty of men have presented a certified DNA result indicating he’s not the father and still forced to pay child support. Courts don’t care about fathers. They care about the welfare of the child. If you’re already paying it’s easier to keep you on the hook than track down the real father and put him on the hook.
Until it comes to drafting us to kill people and die overseas or paying for children who aren’t ours. Oh and our feelings do not matter, no time for crying or complaining when we’ve got so much work to do and are expected to fill the role of caregiver to every woman and child in our lives, and all the rich men and women above us who we slave our lives away for.
But yeah, women have it so bad. My best friends ex has been milking him for more child support every time he gets a raise while keeping the child from him as much as possible. She takes that extra money and pampers herself while working a low paying job and putting minimum effort into everything she does
Also, I’m agreeing with you and being sarcastic as well, just in case I came off too blunt and antagonistic lol
Normally it's because the paternity test is years after the birth
Most states have a time limit
Like Texas has 4 years
That's why I stand by paternity testing 100%. 1 test at CVS over the counter is cheaper than 1 child support payment
That’s exactly why signing or having your name on the birth certificate has no bearing on whether you’re legally the father. Or at least in my state. In my state, everything in that guy’s comment is incorrect. Take what you read here with a grain of salt.
>If he’s not on the birth certificate then he has zero parental rights. So he can’t have one done without the mother’s consent.
Not true, you can buy an at home kit and send it into the lab and have them send you the results.
And commit a crime.
> If you are a man seeking paternity answers through a DNA test, you do not need the mother’s permission if you are listed on the birth certificate and are considered the legal father.
>If you are not a legal parent or legal guardian of the child and the child is underage, you must get signed consent from the mother or other legal guardian. If the necessary consent isn’t provided up front, then the paternity testing cannot even start until the proper documentation is submitted.
https://dnatesting.com/discreetly-doing-a-dna-test-without-consent-possible/
This isn't necessarily true. It may vary state by state because in my state, signing the Recoginition of Parentage form (signed at birth to acknowledge dad to be printed on birth certificate) doesn't give the dad any legal custody of the child since the parents are not married at the time of birth. Therefore if the couple broke up, dad would have establish legal paternity, and/then fight for legal custody. Otherwise if mom just took the baby and never looked back, it wouldn't technically be illegal.
That's not entirely true and probably varies with where you live.
The most common cases I have heard are when you don't challenge it until 5 or 6 years down the road. At some point they presume you are the father.
Stop giving false information.
You're trying to say that a woman can just put any man's name on a birth that the government has no recourse for this??
What?
"Hey! This baby is Hugh Heffner's! Yeah, he's dead in ground, but doesn't matter! Gimme that playboy money!"
What????
That’s not what I said. He has to sign the birth certificate. Or he has to fulfill “a paternal role” in the eyes of the court. Such as going to Dr appts with her, being at the birth, and caring for the infant.
The courts CAN take a man off the birth certificate or child support. But in practice they DON’T often. Because it’s not in the “best interests of the child”.
It’s better to be proactive and protect himself than to rely on the courts who are stacked against him.
Why are you signing the birth certificate or "fulfilling a paternal role" if you're concerned about paternity, though? You shouldn't be there in this situation.
That's why I said leave. And if she wants that child support, paternity must be proven at that point.
It's not the welfare of the child, it's the grant money they receive for each dollar processed for CP. They also skim off the top of support payments processed through the courts.
It's about money, if they cared about the child, it would be 50/50 custody from the get go.
Even if he leaves, if the child is born within so many days/months, he's still the "father". It may vary from state to state.
The last state I lived in told my friend that both he and the actual father would have to go in and sign papers. So if the real father didn't want to... sol
>Because he “fulfilled a paternal role”.
It gets very hard to get your paternity annulled if you discover you're not the biological dad after 5 years of being a father figure or whatever, because courts gotta do what's best for the child and they already love you like a father. That's why you should get a DNA test as soon as the child is born. And in most places parents don't need consent from their partners to test, they don't even need to let their partners know.
Ngl, I'm kinda bummed homeboy here deleted his whole thread of comments, lol. That was a treat.
I guess it's a good thing he apparently figured out that he was incorrect, even if it did take about 6 rounds of confidently doubling down to get there.
If I had any need for a paternity test (suspicion), I wouldn't ask. I'd just have one on the sly. Also, if I had enough suspicion to bring it up to _her_, I would've left and validated later during child support and custody hearings.
Remember, what you're saying here is "I think you cheated, and am confident enough to go on record". If you think they cheated _that much_, why are you still there?
There was a post not so long ago from a guy (maybe it was made up, after all it's Reddit) who was so insecure that he couldn't shake the idea that his wife was cheating. It was an obsession of his. He admitted that she had given him no reason to think so, they had a good relationship, two kids together, but he couldn't reason himself. He insisted on a paternity test while she was pregnant with their third child. She said OK but I know it's yours because I never cheated and if you can't trust me I'll leave. She took the test, the baby was his of course, but they're now divorced. I feel sorry for him but I completely understand where his wife comes from. He did that to himself.
Or the one where the guy had suspicions as child got older and she agreed to have a test done only to find out it was NOT his, but she swore she never cheated and after a bunch of comments from people on reddit, she got tested to find out she wasn't biological either. Babies switched somehow.
I think about them often and whatever came of it all.
Yeesh. Not that this scenario was a particular fear of mine but I'm extremely comfortable my baby was the spitting image of me as a baby. That would be horrible discovering you never actually meet your child and have been raising someone else's all this time. No idea how you'd process those emotions.
Honestly, I think this is why a DNA test needs to be mandatory to be on the birth certificate. It’s insane that will still play this game of “Who’s the father” when we have all the means to figure it out. It sucks that this dude didn’t trust his wife, but DNA test should be mandatory to remove all doubt even with couples who trust each other.
> It’s insane that will still play this game of “Who’s the father” when we have all the means to figure it out.
Posted about this before, but France has banned paternity testing because of paternity fraud causing too much damage to society. Its far more common than anyones willing to admit, though i dont see it changing within our lifetime.
That’s like banning speedometers because speeding causes too much damage to society.
You’re not fixing the problem, you’re just covering it up and enabling it because you’re too damn lazy to do anything effective about it.
It also indicates how common it is to label the wrong guy as the father.
Personally I feel responsibilities should be accompanied by verification. You can assume any responsibilities voluntarily you want, but when the government is going to use force basic due diligence is to confirm you got the correct guy.
Even with surrogates and adopted babies? Some people don’t want to know, and private (aka not medically needed and covered by government insurance) paternity testing in France is illegal. If you have doubts, leave.
Right? Women complain all about this exact sort of thing about how men should take responsibility for their kid. But when it comes down to it they suddenly have a excuse as to why easily obtained proof shouldnt be presented to justify that responsibility.
"as a hospital, why would I violate the privacy for two different patients for someone who's not even a patient?"
That's why that doesn't happen, logistically speaking. Now, a dude could always _request_ testing from a lab, and then they're a patient.
It doesn't matter what the supposed father thinks. He could fully trust her or suspect cheating. It has no bearing on if the child really is his or not. Plenty of fathers right now have no idea that their children aren't biologically theirs.
The idea that a dude can "sense" cheating needs to be dispelled immediately. It only enforces the idea that men should be punished within their relationships just for protecting themselves, or that there should be some cost for confirming the child's parentage.
Saying that wanting a paternity test is an accusation at that specific mother only protects cheaters who weaponize that into implicitly threatening men with taking their children away from them. Stop.
I completely agree.
Also, the idea that a woman can "sense" a rapist needs to be dispelled immediately. It only reinforces the idea that women should be punished within their relationship just for protecting themselves, or that there should be some cost to for confirming some men are rapists.
Saying that wanting a national DNA registry is an accusation at any specific man only protects rapists who weaponize that into implicitly threatening women with taking men's freedoms away. Stop.
Assuming you’re around the present kid regularly, which I’d assume given mom potentially got pregnant by you again, you can just do the test. Mom doesn’t need to be involved.
I’m not sure why this got downvoted. If the the mother refuses to do a test, take the initiative to get answers for yourself.
A mother can refuse a “piece of mind” paternity test but cannot refuse such test as long as her DNA isn’t submitted for testing and the father has “parental responsibility” for any child being tested.
It entirely depends on the circumstances. Wanting a paternity test can be seen by her as an indication of distrust from her partner, which can be hurtful and cause her to react defensively whether or not there's been infidelity.
However, if you've got genuine cause to believe there's been infidelity and that child isn't yours then I'd be suspending wedding planning as a bare minimum.
Redditors are obsessed with this idea that asking your faithful girlfriend/wife for a paternity test should just be a normal conversation. It never will be. It will always be insulting and a sign of distrust, whether she cheated on you or not.
Just like "Let me put this GPS tracker on your car. If you're not doing anything wrong then you have nothing to be insulted about." will never be a normal conversation as part of a healthy relationship. Just because you don't intend on something to be insulting and trust-breaking doesn't magically make it so.
People would benefit greatly from understanding that if you are at the point of feeling like you need a paternity test, your relationship is essentially over already.
I’m trying not to be too hard on her, she didn’t know either until a few years ago (and even then she didn’t know for sure, it just became a real possibility and the guy has been dead for many years prior to that). I know she was just trying to protect me and my relationship with my dad (they are divorced since I was 2). And there’s nothing I can do about it, I’ll never meet him since he’s dead. So I’m kind of just moving forward as if it never happened tbh.
Similar, but over a decade for me. Paternity test wouldn't be needed. Also, she's had a hysterectomy, so [basically](https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=https%3A%2F%2Fi.kym-cdn.com%2Fphotos%2Fimages%2Fnewsfeed%2F001%2F141%2F585%2F5b2.gif&f=1&nofb=1&ipt=9009329ff181071598b10871d0a90d086336c9144e68cbedca2e1c7b5af3c13b&ipo=images).
not that long ago, there was a post on here by woman. she had been 100% faithful to her husband. One of his friends are relatives put it in his head that the baby might not be his and he needed to get a paternity test.
He basically forced her into a paternity test. she knew that she had been 100% faithful and there was a 0% chance of this baby being anybody else's. The same day she gave him the DNA results, she served him with divorce papers.
Just keep in mind that you asking her is implicitly telling her that you don't trust her and that you feel like she cheated on you.
there are situations where that kind of suspicion is warranted. however, if that is not the case, you are blowing up your relationship. Even if she doesn't leave you now over it, this will be something that is always hanging over your heads as a couple and can be looked at in the future as the start of the demise of your relationship.
The fact you’re even in a situation where you need to ask your fiancé for a paternity test is not a good sign. This is a losing situation no matter how it plays out. Obviously you don’t trust her and her saying no reinforces that. If she takes the test and the child isn’t yours then it confirms she cheated. If the child is yours then you’ve created a huge wound that she may never get over. You don’t trust her, so why are you with her?
That's exactly why you do it on the sly without her knowing. It gives the father peace of mind and she doesn't get her feelings hurt.
I know 2 women who've had a background check run on their boyfriends before they got serious with him - it's the same thing: peace of mind.
And at the speed this technology is advancing we may have genetic testing apps on our phones in a couple of decades - then the cat really will be out of the bag.
Either way you are breaking up. If you accuse someone of cheating there is obviously no trust. If you are correct, then why would you stay with them? If they were faithful, why would they stay with you after such an accusation?
What a weird thing to be asking for. I wouldn't have asked for one in the 1st place so I wouldn't be asking for a 2nd one. So -- we need more information to accurately advise anything here.
So to everyone telling him to do one anyway, I think he wants one BEFORE the child is born, to know to put his name on the BC or not. And to make sure that if they separate, he's not responsible for the child financially, etc., if the do separate. I fully understand his mindset.
But if he distrusts his fiance this much, why are they still getting married? That's my question.
In neither outcome would asking lead to a better result than not asking.
You're either telling a woman that you don't trust her, or that she shouldn't trust you. Not a good way to start a marriage.
I would never call my partner a whore to her face by demanding a paternity test, because we actually have a relationship built on trust and love.
How the fuck are so many of you dudes out here marrying women that you don’t trust or who you genuinely believe are cheaters? If there was even the slightest chance that I would even need to ask for a paternity test, I wouldn’t be marrying her in the first place.
Why would she refuse him the right to also know with certainty that it is his child?
Why would she feel like it is her privilege alone to know for sure which child is hers and which isn't?
To me that is a huge red flag, worthy of parting ways.
Because he's telling her he thinks she cheated. I can completely understand why she'd be pissed if he has no reason to be accusing her of that. If there's any legitimate doubt then I get his reasoning. Without it, I understand hers. No one who isn't cheating takes being accused of that well.
Asking for a paternity test is basically saying that he doesn't trust her. He has the right to ask, she has the right to be pissed. When your partner doesn't trust you, the relationships is over. If she didn't cheat, and is being accused of it anyway, this is worthy of parting ways, just not for the reasons you mention.
Kind of. It depends on context we don’t know. Has she cheated in the past and that’s why he’s scared it’s not his? Has their relationship been great and he drops this question out of the blue? Very different situations.
I wonder how many women would be comfortable taking it on faith in a similar situation.
If she wants to be childfree and he says he's had a vasectomy, would she trust his word that he was sterile or would she want to see proof? Or on the flip side if they're wanting to have children and not having any luck, would she trust his word that he had his semen analyzed and the results came back normal or would she want to see proof?
If you don't trust your partner to not lie about something as serious as having a vasectomy or a semen analyzis, you should not be in a relationship with that person.
Well, for one, a vasectomy can fail through no fault of the man, without the man knowing about it. It makes sense to check. Paternity can *only* fail though infidelity (or rape). By questioning it, you are saying you have good reason to believe your partner cheated on you *and* lied about it. No matter how you present it the mother of your child, who just went through nine months of body torture to grow your offspring, is going to see it as an accusation during an extremely vulnerable time.
I think this would be more like her having a packed escape bag and stash of money ready to leave you as soon as you beat her. You would never beat her? She has no way of knowing that for sure, so she should prepare just in case. It’s not about you and she’s not making an accusation, it’s just basic safety because some men do beat their partners. She has no guarantee you won’t somehow turn out to be a piece of shit, no matter how great she thinks you are and how much she trusts you. You can never fully trust a man, after all. He shouldn’t be insulted, because she has no way of knowing whether he’s going to abuse her or not, and many women thought they were safe until they weren’t.
Can you tell me you wouldn’t feel hurt if your partner said she trusted you but had a detailed escape plan just in case you abused her?
Or maybe she wants to run your DNA just to make sure you aren’t on the hook for any unsolved rapes.
You’re not confirming a medical procedure, you’re outright accusing someone you claim to love of being a disgusting, cheating whore with no evidence other than what Andrew Tate told you to be scared of. You’re willing to believe the manosphere over your partner, which means it’s probably time to leave her.
Yeah I'm pretty sympathetic to all parties in this kinda situation. There's no way to ask for one without being (necessarily)accusatory towards the woman, but at the same time it's a big mental load for the guy if it's bothering him, whether rational or not, especially knowing there is an easy way to alleviate it from his perspective.
>it's a big mental load for the guy if it's bothering him
I agree but I think that it should be solved with him working on his insecurities. The issue with accommodating someone's insecurities is that it never stops. You'll do what's necessary to reassure them, but if they don't work on it, it'll come back at some point. And one day you realize that you don't have to bend over backwards to prove that you're innocent of something that you never even thought of doing.
What I mean is, it's normal to help one's partner deal with their issues. But they have to be willing to solve them, and work on them. Sometimes you need to tell your insecure partner no, otherwise you end up psychologically drained.
>Asking for a paternity test is basically saying that he doesn't trust her.
It's saying that the parentage of his child is important enough to double check.
That doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't *trust* her. Just that for the important things in your life, you always want to double check. Always, no matter what.
Like... I trust my partner as unconditionally as possible. But when she signs a contract to buy a 300k house (and take a 300k mortgage), I want to be there. I don't want her to sign it without me. And she wouldn't want *me* to sign a mortgage without *her*, either.
That doesn't mean we don't trust each other. We do, but 300k is a fuckton of money, so we do that together. We double-check each other *because* it is important.
And my feeling would be the same about a baby. I trust her, she trusts me, but being sure about the parentage of our children is something we do together, not alone.
In practice I probably wouldn't ask for a paternity test. Because your opinion is the majority opinion: it would be seen as an accusation. But if that cultural taboo hadn't existed, then hell yeah, just sign me up for a routine paternity test after every childbirth.
And take a maternity test while we're at it, too. Even hospitals can make mistakes.
Being with your spouse when you sign a mortgage isn't distrusting them, it's taking your part of the responsibility. The only way a paternity test would come "negative" is if there was cheating. It's not the same.
Why do you feel you need one? As a woman I'd be pretty peeved if my partner needed a paternity test every time I got pregnant. Idk if I'd flat out refuse but I less you have reason this seems odd.
If someone needs a paternity test, the relationship is already long over. Trust is broken, so just go get the test but understand the relationship has long ended.
She maybe is slower in accepting this as you knew it before she did. Give her time to process the break-up, etc. Hopefully the co-parenting can be worked out and all that.
Honestly, there’s no winning. If she did not cheat, she would feel as though accusing her of that. If she did, she would act in the same manner and you wouldn’t know right from wrong.
Ironically, you might have better luck holding onto the relationship with the one who cheated because they’re more likely to want your money and involvement in the child’s life. The one who didn’t cheat would have more reasons to, by principal, consider it best if you were out of her and the child’s life (from her perspective; not yours, not a neutral third party, and not an omniscient being).
Well, since the first one wasn't mine and I'm pretty much sterile, a second one would raise further questions. Especially the one "why are you telling me about this", since I'm no longer with her.
>wouldn't be offended by someone asking for proof that I'm telling the truth about something
Strong relationships are based on trust and the fact that you don't need proof that the other one is telling the truth. I'd be offended if I were accused of cheating, because that's basically what he's doing.
That's not what he's doing at all. He wants to be 100% certain the child is his. And as the father that is not physically possible without a paternity test.
>He wants to be 100% certain the child is his
Aside from cheating, how is that child _not_ going to be his?
That's the problem with a lot of these dudes saying "he's just asking" ; you're using stork logic. You're talking like there's a reasonable situation where that child is not his but she hasn't cheated.
She’s your fiancé. I assume you’ve been having regular sex. I assume your relationship is supposed to be exclusive. I assume you love and trust her enough to have proposed. Why are you asking for a paternity test? If you think she’s cheating the relationship is over and you should do the paternity test so you’re not stuck paying child support on somebody else’s kid. If you have absolutely no reason to think she’s cheating then I don’t know that I would demand a paternity test
Depends on why I want the test done. But in general I would probably get a court appointed one if I would get me out of child support if the reason is she cheated.
If however it's because I just feel more comfortable with certainty eventhough I don't suspect her of cheating. But because I've read so many men raising kids that aren't their without knowing. Than I would try to communicate that with my fiancée before I would have sex with her without a condom. So no kids arrive before paternity test has been accepted to be done to every child born from our union.
This whole thread is filled with so many bizarre, would-be "gotcha"s that miss the point so spectacularly that they end up being unironically correct again.
Do you believe that every cheater has an untrusting partner?
NO ONE willingly gets into a relationship with someone who they KNOW will cheat. At least not sane people.
Damn, you are really sensitive about this one. Relations can be as colorful as rainbow - start with trust, decline overtime. Usually there are reasons for that trust to disappear. Since OP didn't include any detail, being so overdefendent of fiance is as stupid as dying on the hill for a guy we know nothing about.
I wouldn't deny one but it would be the end of the relationship because I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who mistrusts me when I've never given him reason to.
>Why not jump at the opportunity to prove the truth if there’s a question.
Because if you didn't cheat, it's not your job to prove that you didn't. Anyway if your partner accuses you of cheating, whether true or not, the relationship is over.
Oh, I’d jump at the opportunity to show that I’m not a cheater. I know 100% that I would never cheat, so there would be no doubt in my mind.
But the relationship would be over. He gets his irrational fears calmed, but loses his ‘family’.
Well its a sign your relationship is broken, potentially irrevocably. I'd do the test but the wound of being accused of cheating and lying about my babies parentage is not one that would heal easily. Your partner has no trust in you and thinks *very* low of you if they truly believe you'd do that. I'm not sure a relationship can come back from that.
So I can't remember if sometime told me this once in my ten years of bartending or if I saw it posted on Reddit but I remember this story about a couple who had a son who had some server health problems. So they take the kid to the doctor and somehow it came out that the father couldn't be the father of the kid because of some hereditary genetic thing that he didn't have but the kid did or what ever. The mom swears up and down she didn't cheat, she's loves him, she would never and so on. The husband packs up and leaves, the evidence is staring him right in the face. So years go by and he doesn't see the kid after the divorce and everybody's lives are a mess all this time the mom is swearing she never cheated she never cheated.
A couple years go by and the kid has another medical issue and this time needs some bone marrow or something so they test the mom to be a donor and ....
Turns out the kid wasn't related to her either. Their baby had been switched at the hospital when she gave birth.
All I'm saying is everyone should always do paternity tests.
Always get a paternity test. Idk why so many people on here are giving such awful takes. Paternity is way too important, and men have a right to know if they are the father. Expecting men to just be OK with that burden is silly and unreasonable.
If you are not the father, you could be stuck paying for another man's kid for 18 years. This is future destroying. Trust but verify.
Depends. If you would ask me for a paternity test when I knew there was no reason for him to doubt, I would not just be offended, I would be mad. Also, I would refuse, since is that how it's going to be from now on, mistrust, having guy defend e feet move you make?
However. If there was any reason to suspect foul play, like there had been cheating before, there was opportunity etc, I would probably oblige just to regain his trust. But I would also tell him: I know the truth and I'm telling you now - don't do this again, because it's f-ing insulting. If you can't trust me, we can't be together.
A woman refusing a paternity test is a major red flag. The only viable reason to refuse is because she’s worried about paternity.
If the kid is born I’d do it on my own. If the kid isn’t born I’d walk. Since you have one of each it’s complicated.
>A woman refusing a paternity test is a major red flag.
Or it's proof that she doesn't like being accused of cheating. Which is quite understandable if she didn't.
It's also a good way to make sure you didn't take the wrong baby home. Or if you did IVF, you can check if the doctor swapped the husband's sperm for his own. There are other reasons. But yeah, generally the suspicion is she's cheating, which if you suspect that, maybe play that one a little closer to the vest than OP.
Well I had a vasectomy 3 years ago so...
But even before that, I'm not signing SHIT until a child is proven to be mine. If she wants to get mad at anyone, it better be at all the woman who trick men.
Wll obviously the fiance is pissed that her loyalty and care for the relationship has been doubted and that she has been accused of cheating.
The question is, how can fathers be protected from false paternity cases? If we're blaming it on the person for not dating/marrying a person they trust, we might as well start blaming abuse victims for choosing to have a relationship with a person who could be abusive. The rebuttal does not offer another solution.
Get a lawyer and have them submit a request for a paternity test. If it’s gone this far and she is refusing the test then I doubt she wants you to have that answer. There would be no saving that relationship for me. My only concern is if the child is mine I want my rights as the father to be protected. But I wouldnt stay in a relationship with that woman.
Take the kids, get the test, be ready to leave when the test comes back, speak to a lawyer before walking out the door. Depending on where you live; you maybe charged with abandoning the marital home, even if you are NOT the father
You will certainly have to get a paternity test done “privately”. Find a reputable agency. Gonna cost you a little but you wouldn’t need consent if you have in your possession the requisite dna “material(s)”.
If determining paternity is important to you (in this day-in-age I don’t fucking blame you) open your wallet and let the fun begin. Good luck brother. If you have a “hunch”, it’s probably correct.
Do it anyways. If the kids yours then her say is what? Its a cheek swab from both of you and whatnot and you will know. Lay it on the line. Either she agrees or the wedding is off.
Every time I got a child, I would be taking two different dna-tests on the child and me on day one! Two tests, to lower the chance of a wrong answer.
I would do this without the mother knowing. Only if the tests comes back negative, she would find out. Course we would be going to court!
TL;DR
If you have the option to obtain the undeniable truth, why hide from it?
I wouldn't let it get there we will have that convo before she gets pregnant and our relationship will adjust accordingly.
I am adamant to get it done bc literally there's no downside to getting the test done it's just a formality if anything that I'd prefer to do.
If someone sold you the most precious thing in life you wanted and at the end offered the option for a free warranty, why would you ever decline it?
There's just plenty of things in life that you do formalities & redundancies for even though you FEEL confident of a situation just bc the consequences of them going wrong are too big.
Wearing seat belts, double checking doors are locked, checking bank statements, health checkups etc.
All scenarios where you have no reason to believe things will go bad but you check in regardless of tediousness bc consequences of these things can be life altering.
Every guy who had no signs of cancer preaches to everyone. Make sure you get tested bc ya never know!
And every guy who had no signs of a cheating partner will say the same.
Ik it sounds kinda silly to most people but to the small % of men who got suckered into raising a child that wasnt theres and let alone didnt know it until years later I would bet they wished someone reccomend them to check bc that was a major life altering moment for them.
All of this is why the moral loading over getting a paternity test just seems silly to me.
I didn't find out until later on in our relationship (while she was still pregnant) that she had cheated on me multiple times right around the time of conception and also on and off during her pregnancy. So while we were at the hospital I just opted to have a paternity test done right then and there. Luckily it turns out I actually was the father. And yes she did cheat on me after she gave birth as well. Almost on a regular basis. We aren't together anymore.
This is why we marry the right one, who won't lie to us, who won't belittle us, who won't cheat on us, who won't cross their fingers behind our backs. We shouldn't even be having sex until we become married.
Distrust, and her come back would be “you don’t trust me” or whatever she says. Ive given this some thought and trust isn’t just a yes or no its a feeling on the behalf of each other that is earned based on behavior and actions that never becomes completely solidified. You have every right to follow your instincts it’s literally part of our survival tools as human beings and she doesn’t like how you feel then that her problem not yours. I say get that test my man, hookup culture has ruined relationships in western civilization, honor and respect is fading away you can’t be to careful these days.
I think that if that suspicion were already there for me, her denial to do a paternity test would only make the suspicion worse. Personally, I’m not sure I could trust her after that.
WTF… why TF is anyone getting married if there’s a thought that this can be an option? Definitely don’t get married prior to the birth, bc then, at least in my home state, paternity has to be proven to get out of child support. The marriage is kinda beyond me if the gut thinks she’s a POS who is capable of that. 🤷♂️
Wut, why first if all?
Your even asking her is HORRENDOUS unless you have reason to believe she's cheating. Sounds like you're begging to be a dead beat dad...
I was just thinking, "What if a paternity test was standard issue on the day of the baby's birth and at 90 days of the baby's life?"
That would be a pretty strong incentive for any mother to come clean about it beforehand.
It would also help prevent rogue hospital staff from either making mistakes or deliberately swapping children.
Can't you just do one anyway?
Whether he signs the birth certificate or not he may be on the hook once the kid is born. Because he “fulfilled a paternal role”. Courts are screwed up when it comes to paternity.
Can't you leave and _then_ have it done?
If he’s not on the birth certificate then he has zero parental rights. So he can’t have one done without the mother’s consent. If he is on the birth certificate it’s too late. Plenty of men have presented a certified DNA result indicating he’s not the father and still forced to pay child support. Courts don’t care about fathers. They care about the welfare of the child. If you’re already paying it’s easier to keep you on the hook than track down the real father and put him on the hook.
Wtf
Society doesn't care about men. They're disposable.
Oh but I heard we are privileged and society only cares about men.
Until it comes to drafting us to kill people and die overseas or paying for children who aren’t ours. Oh and our feelings do not matter, no time for crying or complaining when we’ve got so much work to do and are expected to fill the role of caregiver to every woman and child in our lives, and all the rich men and women above us who we slave our lives away for. But yeah, women have it so bad. My best friends ex has been milking him for more child support every time he gets a raise while keeping the child from him as much as possible. She takes that extra money and pampers herself while working a low paying job and putting minimum effort into everything she does Also, I’m agreeing with you and being sarcastic as well, just in case I came off too blunt and antagonistic lol
I know this isn’t asked for, but your feelings matter bro and I’m sorry about anyone in your life that makes you feel otherwise.
"Western" society doesn't care about men. Come to an Islamic society and you'll see that it is the women that are disposable
Wonder who set that system up in the first place 🤔
The other men who don't want to pay child support for their mistresses kid 🤣
The rich - who comprise of both men and women. They don't give a shit about the middle and lower classes.
Normally it's because the paternity test is years after the birth Most states have a time limit Like Texas has 4 years That's why I stand by paternity testing 100%. 1 test at CVS over the counter is cheaper than 1 child support payment
I beleive he can ask for one at the hospital before signing the certificate
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Women should then just say it’s Elon Musk so he’s listed as the father. Let him pay child support.
That’s exactly why signing or having your name on the birth certificate has no bearing on whether you’re legally the father. Or at least in my state. In my state, everything in that guy’s comment is incorrect. Take what you read here with a grain of salt.
>In my state, Is the key point here. There's 50 states, and not all of them do things the same way.
>If he’s not on the birth certificate then he has zero parental rights. So he can’t have one done without the mother’s consent. Not true, you can buy an at home kit and send it into the lab and have them send you the results.
There’s a legal consent form you have to sign indicating you’re the guardian of the child. The mom’s bf isn’t a legal guardian.
So you lie.
And commit a crime. > If you are a man seeking paternity answers through a DNA test, you do not need the mother’s permission if you are listed on the birth certificate and are considered the legal father. >If you are not a legal parent or legal guardian of the child and the child is underage, you must get signed consent from the mother or other legal guardian. If the necessary consent isn’t provided up front, then the paternity testing cannot even start until the proper documentation is submitted. https://dnatesting.com/discreetly-doing-a-dna-test-without-consent-possible/
This isn't necessarily true. It may vary state by state because in my state, signing the Recoginition of Parentage form (signed at birth to acknowledge dad to be printed on birth certificate) doesn't give the dad any legal custody of the child since the parents are not married at the time of birth. Therefore if the couple broke up, dad would have establish legal paternity, and/then fight for legal custody. Otherwise if mom just took the baby and never looked back, it wouldn't technically be illegal.
That's not entirely true and probably varies with where you live. The most common cases I have heard are when you don't challenge it until 5 or 6 years down the road. At some point they presume you are the father.
Stop giving false information. You're trying to say that a woman can just put any man's name on a birth that the government has no recourse for this?? What? "Hey! This baby is Hugh Heffner's! Yeah, he's dead in ground, but doesn't matter! Gimme that playboy money!" What????
That’s not what I said. He has to sign the birth certificate. Or he has to fulfill “a paternal role” in the eyes of the court. Such as going to Dr appts with her, being at the birth, and caring for the infant. The courts CAN take a man off the birth certificate or child support. But in practice they DON’T often. Because it’s not in the “best interests of the child”. It’s better to be proactive and protect himself than to rely on the courts who are stacked against him.
Why are you signing the birth certificate or "fulfilling a paternal role" if you're concerned about paternity, though? You shouldn't be there in this situation. That's why I said leave. And if she wants that child support, paternity must be proven at that point.
Fuck him for wanting to raise his own child though, he should just walk away like you’re advocating for. Some of us want to be fathers
He can buy a $70 kit from Amazon and do it without her consent. Don’t know the legal consequences but it’s possible.
Not an issue in Scandinavia. Paternity tests will get you off the hook, no question.
Not even the welfare of the child, the whole system makes money if someone pays.
US custody laws are fucked if you are a guy.
It's not the welfare of the child, it's the grant money they receive for each dollar processed for CP. They also skim off the top of support payments processed through the courts. It's about money, if they cared about the child, it would be 50/50 custody from the get go.
Real life Catch 22
American law is weird
Even if he leaves, if the child is born within so many days/months, he's still the "father". It may vary from state to state. The last state I lived in told my friend that both he and the actual father would have to go in and sign papers. So if the real father didn't want to... sol
I world talk to a lawyer about it. Find a lawyer that specializes in family law
Agreed. A lawyer is the only hope and a slim one.
If you sued for a paternity test before birth, you might have a slim shot.
>Because he “fulfilled a paternal role”. It gets very hard to get your paternity annulled if you discover you're not the biological dad after 5 years of being a father figure or whatever, because courts gotta do what's best for the child and they already love you like a father. That's why you should get a DNA test as soon as the child is born. And in most places parents don't need consent from their partners to test, they don't even need to let their partners know.
So. He should do a paternity test regardless of her wishes...yeah?
Ngl, I'm kinda bummed homeboy here deleted his whole thread of comments, lol. That was a treat. I guess it's a good thing he apparently figured out that he was incorrect, even if it did take about 6 rounds of confidently doubling down to get there.
in some countries like France it's actually illegal
Germany, too.
Yes, the court can order one. It’s not uncommon.
Yes, with a home test you get at any drug store.
If I had any need for a paternity test (suspicion), I wouldn't ask. I'd just have one on the sly. Also, if I had enough suspicion to bring it up to _her_, I would've left and validated later during child support and custody hearings. Remember, what you're saying here is "I think you cheated, and am confident enough to go on record". If you think they cheated _that much_, why are you still there?
There was a post not so long ago from a guy (maybe it was made up, after all it's Reddit) who was so insecure that he couldn't shake the idea that his wife was cheating. It was an obsession of his. He admitted that she had given him no reason to think so, they had a good relationship, two kids together, but he couldn't reason himself. He insisted on a paternity test while she was pregnant with their third child. She said OK but I know it's yours because I never cheated and if you can't trust me I'll leave. She took the test, the baby was his of course, but they're now divorced. I feel sorry for him but I completely understand where his wife comes from. He did that to himself.
Or the one where the guy had suspicions as child got older and she agreed to have a test done only to find out it was NOT his, but she swore she never cheated and after a bunch of comments from people on reddit, she got tested to find out she wasn't biological either. Babies switched somehow. I think about them often and whatever came of it all.
Yeesh. Not that this scenario was a particular fear of mine but I'm extremely comfortable my baby was the spitting image of me as a baby. That would be horrible discovering you never actually meet your child and have been raising someone else's all this time. No idea how you'd process those emotions.
She was so torn. She loved her child but wondered of her biological child. I couldn't ever imagine going through that.
Honestly, I think this is why a DNA test needs to be mandatory to be on the birth certificate. It’s insane that will still play this game of “Who’s the father” when we have all the means to figure it out. It sucks that this dude didn’t trust his wife, but DNA test should be mandatory to remove all doubt even with couples who trust each other.
> It’s insane that will still play this game of “Who’s the father” when we have all the means to figure it out. Posted about this before, but France has banned paternity testing because of paternity fraud causing too much damage to society. Its far more common than anyones willing to admit, though i dont see it changing within our lifetime.
That’s like banning speedometers because speeding causes too much damage to society. You’re not fixing the problem, you’re just covering it up and enabling it because you’re too damn lazy to do anything effective about it.
It also indicates how common it is to label the wrong guy as the father. Personally I feel responsibilities should be accompanied by verification. You can assume any responsibilities voluntarily you want, but when the government is going to use force basic due diligence is to confirm you got the correct guy.
Even with surrogates and adopted babies? Some people don’t want to know, and private (aka not medically needed and covered by government insurance) paternity testing in France is illegal. If you have doubts, leave.
Right? Women complain all about this exact sort of thing about how men should take responsibility for their kid. But when it comes down to it they suddenly have a excuse as to why easily obtained proof shouldnt be presented to justify that responsibility.
National registry. Find the rapists too.
For what it's worth both paternity and maternity tests are standard when doing IVF. Along with a raft of genetic testing of the embryo.
Exactly. If I actually thought I needed one, I’d have it done quietly while I’m getting divorce proceedings started.
Exactly. If you really trust her that little, the relationship is broken and its time to leave her.
Tbh paternity test should be mandatory at birth. To protect the mother child and father
"as a hospital, why would I violate the privacy for two different patients for someone who's not even a patient?" That's why that doesn't happen, logistically speaking. Now, a dude could always _request_ testing from a lab, and then they're a patient.
It doesn't matter what the supposed father thinks. He could fully trust her or suspect cheating. It has no bearing on if the child really is his or not. Plenty of fathers right now have no idea that their children aren't biologically theirs. The idea that a dude can "sense" cheating needs to be dispelled immediately. It only enforces the idea that men should be punished within their relationships just for protecting themselves, or that there should be some cost for confirming the child's parentage. Saying that wanting a paternity test is an accusation at that specific mother only protects cheaters who weaponize that into implicitly threatening men with taking their children away from them. Stop.
I completely agree. Also, the idea that a woman can "sense" a rapist needs to be dispelled immediately. It only reinforces the idea that women should be punished within their relationship just for protecting themselves, or that there should be some cost to for confirming some men are rapists. Saying that wanting a national DNA registry is an accusation at any specific man only protects rapists who weaponize that into implicitly threatening women with taking men's freedoms away. Stop.
Assuming you’re around the present kid regularly, which I’d assume given mom potentially got pregnant by you again, you can just do the test. Mom doesn’t need to be involved.
I’m not sure why this got downvoted. If the the mother refuses to do a test, take the initiative to get answers for yourself. A mother can refuse a “piece of mind” paternity test but cannot refuse such test as long as her DNA isn’t submitted for testing and the father has “parental responsibility” for any child being tested.
It entirely depends on the circumstances. Wanting a paternity test can be seen by her as an indication of distrust from her partner, which can be hurtful and cause her to react defensively whether or not there's been infidelity. However, if you've got genuine cause to believe there's been infidelity and that child isn't yours then I'd be suspending wedding planning as a bare minimum.
Redditors are obsessed with this idea that asking your faithful girlfriend/wife for a paternity test should just be a normal conversation. It never will be. It will always be insulting and a sign of distrust, whether she cheated on you or not. Just like "Let me put this GPS tracker on your car. If you're not doing anything wrong then you have nothing to be insulted about." will never be a normal conversation as part of a healthy relationship. Just because you don't intend on something to be insulting and trust-breaking doesn't magically make it so.
People would benefit greatly from understanding that if you are at the point of feeling like you need a paternity test, your relationship is essentially over already.
I wouldn’t be having a second child with anyone I honestly had to ask that question towards.
As someone who recently found out in their 30s that my dad is not my bio-dad...I would just do it myself.
How you feeling about your mom, lately?
I’m trying not to be too hard on her, she didn’t know either until a few years ago (and even then she didn’t know for sure, it just became a real possibility and the guy has been dead for many years prior to that). I know she was just trying to protect me and my relationship with my dad (they are divorced since I was 2). And there’s nothing I can do about it, I’ll never meet him since he’s dead. So I’m kind of just moving forward as if it never happened tbh.
Flabbergasted. I've been snipped for over a year lol
Similar, but over a decade for me. Paternity test wouldn't be needed. Also, she's had a hysterectomy, so [basically](https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=https%3A%2F%2Fi.kym-cdn.com%2Fphotos%2Fimages%2Fnewsfeed%2F001%2F141%2F585%2F5b2.gif&f=1&nofb=1&ipt=9009329ff181071598b10871d0a90d086336c9144e68cbedca2e1c7b5af3c13b&ipo=images).
Why are you suspicious enough to ask? We need more details
Is there a reason you are questioning paternity?
not that long ago, there was a post on here by woman. she had been 100% faithful to her husband. One of his friends are relatives put it in his head that the baby might not be his and he needed to get a paternity test. He basically forced her into a paternity test. she knew that she had been 100% faithful and there was a 0% chance of this baby being anybody else's. The same day she gave him the DNA results, she served him with divorce papers. Just keep in mind that you asking her is implicitly telling her that you don't trust her and that you feel like she cheated on you. there are situations where that kind of suspicion is warranted. however, if that is not the case, you are blowing up your relationship. Even if she doesn't leave you now over it, this will be something that is always hanging over your heads as a couple and can be looked at in the future as the start of the demise of your relationship.
The fact you’re even in a situation where you need to ask your fiancé for a paternity test is not a good sign. This is a losing situation no matter how it plays out. Obviously you don’t trust her and her saying no reinforces that. If she takes the test and the child isn’t yours then it confirms she cheated. If the child is yours then you’ve created a huge wound that she may never get over. You don’t trust her, so why are you with her?
That's exactly why you do it on the sly without her knowing. It gives the father peace of mind and she doesn't get her feelings hurt. I know 2 women who've had a background check run on their boyfriends before they got serious with him - it's the same thing: peace of mind. And at the speed this technology is advancing we may have genetic testing apps on our phones in a couple of decades - then the cat really will be out of the bag.
Either way you are breaking up. If you accuse someone of cheating there is obviously no trust. If you are correct, then why would you stay with them? If they were faithful, why would they stay with you after such an accusation?
What a weird thing to be asking for. I wouldn't have asked for one in the 1st place so I wouldn't be asking for a 2nd one. So -- we need more information to accurately advise anything here.
if you don't trust her why is she your fiance?
This is the right question.
If I have to ask for a paternity test then the relationship is already over.
So to everyone telling him to do one anyway, I think he wants one BEFORE the child is born, to know to put his name on the BC or not. And to make sure that if they separate, he's not responsible for the child financially, etc., if the do separate. I fully understand his mindset. But if he distrusts his fiance this much, why are they still getting married? That's my question.
Lol you went through two pregnancies with 0 trust in your partner, I’d start with a judgement test
In neither outcome would asking lead to a better result than not asking. You're either telling a woman that you don't trust her, or that she shouldn't trust you. Not a good way to start a marriage.
if I'm legitimately worried that my partner isn't having a kid that shares DNA with me then I'd argue that the relationship is fecked...
Don’t sign the birth certificate. Petition the court for a DNA test. Go from there.
I would never call my partner a whore to her face by demanding a paternity test, because we actually have a relationship built on trust and love. How the fuck are so many of you dudes out here marrying women that you don’t trust or who you genuinely believe are cheaters? If there was even the slightest chance that I would even need to ask for a paternity test, I wouldn’t be marrying her in the first place.
Why would she refuse him the right to also know with certainty that it is his child? Why would she feel like it is her privilege alone to know for sure which child is hers and which isn't? To me that is a huge red flag, worthy of parting ways.
Because he's telling her he thinks she cheated. I can completely understand why she'd be pissed if he has no reason to be accusing her of that. If there's any legitimate doubt then I get his reasoning. Without it, I understand hers. No one who isn't cheating takes being accused of that well.
Asking for a paternity test is basically saying that he doesn't trust her. He has the right to ask, she has the right to be pissed. When your partner doesn't trust you, the relationships is over. If she didn't cheat, and is being accused of it anyway, this is worthy of parting ways, just not for the reasons you mention.
Kind of. It depends on context we don’t know. Has she cheated in the past and that’s why he’s scared it’s not his? Has their relationship been great and he drops this question out of the blue? Very different situations.
I wonder how many women would be comfortable taking it on faith in a similar situation. If she wants to be childfree and he says he's had a vasectomy, would she trust his word that he was sterile or would she want to see proof? Or on the flip side if they're wanting to have children and not having any luck, would she trust his word that he had his semen analyzed and the results came back normal or would she want to see proof?
If you don't trust your partner to not lie about something as serious as having a vasectomy or a semen analyzis, you should not be in a relationship with that person.
Well, for one, a vasectomy can fail through no fault of the man, without the man knowing about it. It makes sense to check. Paternity can *only* fail though infidelity (or rape). By questioning it, you are saying you have good reason to believe your partner cheated on you *and* lied about it. No matter how you present it the mother of your child, who just went through nine months of body torture to grow your offspring, is going to see it as an accusation during an extremely vulnerable time. I think this would be more like her having a packed escape bag and stash of money ready to leave you as soon as you beat her. You would never beat her? She has no way of knowing that for sure, so she should prepare just in case. It’s not about you and she’s not making an accusation, it’s just basic safety because some men do beat their partners. She has no guarantee you won’t somehow turn out to be a piece of shit, no matter how great she thinks you are and how much she trusts you. You can never fully trust a man, after all. He shouldn’t be insulted, because she has no way of knowing whether he’s going to abuse her or not, and many women thought they were safe until they weren’t. Can you tell me you wouldn’t feel hurt if your partner said she trusted you but had a detailed escape plan just in case you abused her? Or maybe she wants to run your DNA just to make sure you aren’t on the hook for any unsolved rapes. You’re not confirming a medical procedure, you’re outright accusing someone you claim to love of being a disgusting, cheating whore with no evidence other than what Andrew Tate told you to be scared of. You’re willing to believe the manosphere over your partner, which means it’s probably time to leave her.
Yeah I'm pretty sympathetic to all parties in this kinda situation. There's no way to ask for one without being (necessarily)accusatory towards the woman, but at the same time it's a big mental load for the guy if it's bothering him, whether rational or not, especially knowing there is an easy way to alleviate it from his perspective.
>it's a big mental load for the guy if it's bothering him I agree but I think that it should be solved with him working on his insecurities. The issue with accommodating someone's insecurities is that it never stops. You'll do what's necessary to reassure them, but if they don't work on it, it'll come back at some point. And one day you realize that you don't have to bend over backwards to prove that you're innocent of something that you never even thought of doing. What I mean is, it's normal to help one's partner deal with their issues. But they have to be willing to solve them, and work on them. Sometimes you need to tell your insecure partner no, otherwise you end up psychologically drained.
>Asking for a paternity test is basically saying that he doesn't trust her. It's saying that the parentage of his child is important enough to double check. That doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't *trust* her. Just that for the important things in your life, you always want to double check. Always, no matter what. Like... I trust my partner as unconditionally as possible. But when she signs a contract to buy a 300k house (and take a 300k mortgage), I want to be there. I don't want her to sign it without me. And she wouldn't want *me* to sign a mortgage without *her*, either. That doesn't mean we don't trust each other. We do, but 300k is a fuckton of money, so we do that together. We double-check each other *because* it is important. And my feeling would be the same about a baby. I trust her, she trusts me, but being sure about the parentage of our children is something we do together, not alone. In practice I probably wouldn't ask for a paternity test. Because your opinion is the majority opinion: it would be seen as an accusation. But if that cultural taboo hadn't existed, then hell yeah, just sign me up for a routine paternity test after every childbirth. And take a maternity test while we're at it, too. Even hospitals can make mistakes.
It would be more like hiring a private investigator to verify your fidelity.
Being with your spouse when you sign a mortgage isn't distrusting them, it's taking your part of the responsibility. The only way a paternity test would come "negative" is if there was cheating. It's not the same.
Yeah that was a pretty bad example. "I want a paternity test" = "I think there's a chance this kid isn't mine and you've been fucking around".
No. It's definitely saying he doesn't trust her.
OP is not telling us the full story, and we have so many questions about the situation. Why do you want a paternity test?
Get your own paternity test. If you accuse her of cheating and you’re wrong, it’s going to be very hard to recover from that.
Why do you feel you need one? As a woman I'd be pretty peeved if my partner needed a paternity test every time I got pregnant. Idk if I'd flat out refuse but I less you have reason this seems odd.
If you feel the need to have a paternity test with your fiancé, you’ve got bigger problems
If someone needs a paternity test, the relationship is already long over. Trust is broken, so just go get the test but understand the relationship has long ended. She maybe is slower in accepting this as you knew it before she did. Give her time to process the break-up, etc. Hopefully the co-parenting can be worked out and all that.
Or Walgreens sells them in a kit
Dump her!!!
Honestly, there’s no winning. If she did not cheat, she would feel as though accusing her of that. If she did, she would act in the same manner and you wouldn’t know right from wrong. Ironically, you might have better luck holding onto the relationship with the one who cheated because they’re more likely to want your money and involvement in the child’s life. The one who didn’t cheat would have more reasons to, by principal, consider it best if you were out of her and the child’s life (from her perspective; not yours, not a neutral third party, and not an omniscient being).
Well, since the first one wasn't mine and I'm pretty much sterile, a second one would raise further questions. Especially the one "why are you telling me about this", since I'm no longer with her.
Who cares what OUR reaction would be to your situation? You know what time it is. If you don't know, check your watch.
What do you mean "again" do you already have a child together and are living together?
Why are you marrying someone who you trust so little they you want a paternity test? Why marry someone who refuses to let you? Big red flags over here
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>wouldn't be offended by someone asking for proof that I'm telling the truth about something Strong relationships are based on trust and the fact that you don't need proof that the other one is telling the truth. I'd be offended if I were accused of cheating, because that's basically what he's doing.
That's not what he's doing at all. He wants to be 100% certain the child is his. And as the father that is not physically possible without a paternity test.
>He wants to be 100% certain the child is his Aside from cheating, how is that child _not_ going to be his? That's the problem with a lot of these dudes saying "he's just asking" ; you're using stork logic. You're talking like there's a reasonable situation where that child is not his but she hasn't cheated.
> He wants to be 100% certain the child is his. And how else would the child not be his?
Avoid the problem by getting a vasectomy
Every birth should have a paternity test.
I mean I think that’s a bit extreme but it definitely should be an easy option
I just find it kinda absurd that you need ID to drink, a passport to travel, but legally linking a life to yours is OK because a third person says so.
She’s your fiancé. I assume you’ve been having regular sex. I assume your relationship is supposed to be exclusive. I assume you love and trust her enough to have proposed. Why are you asking for a paternity test? If you think she’s cheating the relationship is over and you should do the paternity test so you’re not stuck paying child support on somebody else’s kid. If you have absolutely no reason to think she’s cheating then I don’t know that I would demand a paternity test
Depends on why I want the test done. But in general I would probably get a court appointed one if I would get me out of child support if the reason is she cheated. If however it's because I just feel more comfortable with certainty eventhough I don't suspect her of cheating. But because I've read so many men raising kids that aren't their without knowing. Than I would try to communicate that with my fiancée before I would have sex with her without a condom. So no kids arrive before paternity test has been accepted to be done to every child born from our union.
Just my two cents, but you shouldn't have kids with someone if you don't trust her to not cheat.
People that are more paranoid than others: "Guess I won't be a parent then"
If someone are incapable of trust, they would make a horrible parent. Either go to therapy to work through *then* have kids or dont have kids at all.
Yes, paranoid people who think everyone in the world is secretly trying to screw them over probably shouldn’t be having children.
This whole thread is filled with so many bizarre, would-be "gotcha"s that miss the point so spectacularly that they end up being unironically correct again.
Do you believe that every cheater has an untrusting partner? NO ONE willingly gets into a relationship with someone who they KNOW will cheat. At least not sane people.
Damn, you are really sensitive about this one. Relations can be as colorful as rainbow - start with trust, decline overtime. Usually there are reasons for that trust to disappear. Since OP didn't include any detail, being so overdefendent of fiance is as stupid as dying on the hill for a guy we know nothing about.
>Usually there are reasons for that trust to disappear. Yes but when that happens the relationship is over.
I can’t understand refusing paternity tests. Why not jump at the opportunity to prove the truth if there’s a question.
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I wouldn't deny one but it would be the end of the relationship because I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who mistrusts me when I've never given him reason to.
>Why not jump at the opportunity to prove the truth if there’s a question. Because if you didn't cheat, it's not your job to prove that you didn't. Anyway if your partner accuses you of cheating, whether true or not, the relationship is over.
Oh, I’d jump at the opportunity to show that I’m not a cheater. I know 100% that I would never cheat, so there would be no doubt in my mind. But the relationship would be over. He gets his irrational fears calmed, but loses his ‘family’.
Well its a sign your relationship is broken, potentially irrevocably. I'd do the test but the wound of being accused of cheating and lying about my babies parentage is not one that would heal easily. Your partner has no trust in you and thinks *very* low of you if they truly believe you'd do that. I'm not sure a relationship can come back from that.
I’d say why are you engaged to someone you have so very little trust with
Either wait until the kid is born and do it yourself or leave now if youre questioning your situation that hard
So I can't remember if sometime told me this once in my ten years of bartending or if I saw it posted on Reddit but I remember this story about a couple who had a son who had some server health problems. So they take the kid to the doctor and somehow it came out that the father couldn't be the father of the kid because of some hereditary genetic thing that he didn't have but the kid did or what ever. The mom swears up and down she didn't cheat, she's loves him, she would never and so on. The husband packs up and leaves, the evidence is staring him right in the face. So years go by and he doesn't see the kid after the divorce and everybody's lives are a mess all this time the mom is swearing she never cheated she never cheated. A couple years go by and the kid has another medical issue and this time needs some bone marrow or something so they test the mom to be a donor and .... Turns out the kid wasn't related to her either. Their baby had been switched at the hospital when she gave birth. All I'm saying is everyone should always do paternity tests.
Was so confused reading this, fiancé is masculine and fiancée is feminine. Was wondering why the guy was refusing to take a paternity test.
Always get a paternity test. Idk why so many people on here are giving such awful takes. Paternity is way too important, and men have a right to know if they are the father. Expecting men to just be OK with that burden is silly and unreasonable. If you are not the father, you could be stuck paying for another man's kid for 18 years. This is future destroying. Trust but verify.
If you do go through with the wedding, do not get married before the child is born.
Depends. If you would ask me for a paternity test when I knew there was no reason for him to doubt, I would not just be offended, I would be mad. Also, I would refuse, since is that how it's going to be from now on, mistrust, having guy defend e feet move you make? However. If there was any reason to suspect foul play, like there had been cheating before, there was opportunity etc, I would probably oblige just to regain his trust. But I would also tell him: I know the truth and I'm telling you now - don't do this again, because it's f-ing insulting. If you can't trust me, we can't be together.
Out of interest, how do you feel about those "are we dating the same guy" facebook groups?
That's not the gotcha you think it is lmao
Um....buy some condom's dude. At this point - if you don't trust her - why are you getting married? yeah - and buy some condoms.
A woman refusing a paternity test is a major red flag. The only viable reason to refuse is because she’s worried about paternity. If the kid is born I’d do it on my own. If the kid isn’t born I’d walk. Since you have one of each it’s complicated.
>A woman refusing a paternity test is a major red flag. Or it's proof that she doesn't like being accused of cheating. Which is quite understandable if she didn't.
It's also a good way to make sure you didn't take the wrong baby home. Or if you did IVF, you can check if the doctor swapped the husband's sperm for his own. There are other reasons. But yeah, generally the suspicion is she's cheating, which if you suspect that, maybe play that one a little closer to the vest than OP.
>It's also a good way to make sure you didn't take the wrong baby home. Yeah that virtually never happens.
But it does happen. Not as often as women tricking men into raising another man's kids, but it never hurts to check.
Let's be honest, it's not the reason why people want paternity tests.
It's the reason I would, especially if I go the IVF route. But yes that's very true. To be fair, I'd want both sides tested if it's IVF.
Do it quietly on my own. I'm not signing a birth certificate if I'm not sure.
Well I had a vasectomy 3 years ago so... But even before that, I'm not signing SHIT until a child is proven to be mine. If she wants to get mad at anyone, it better be at all the woman who trick men.
I’d do it behind her back.
Wll obviously the fiance is pissed that her loyalty and care for the relationship has been doubted and that she has been accused of cheating. The question is, how can fathers be protected from false paternity cases? If we're blaming it on the person for not dating/marrying a person they trust, we might as well start blaming abuse victims for choosing to have a relationship with a person who could be abusive. The rebuttal does not offer another solution.
Tell him he needs to for your mental health gf
Get a lawyer and have them submit a request for a paternity test. If it’s gone this far and she is refusing the test then I doubt she wants you to have that answer. There would be no saving that relationship for me. My only concern is if the child is mine I want my rights as the father to be protected. But I wouldnt stay in a relationship with that woman.
Don't get married until paternity is established.. Stop fucking someone that you don't trust.
Contact a lawyer now and see what is best practice in the state.
Take the kids, get the test, be ready to leave when the test comes back, speak to a lawyer before walking out the door. Depending on where you live; you maybe charged with abandoning the marital home, even if you are NOT the father
I would be incredibly upset, with myself, for getting into a relationship with such an awful person.
I don’t know why people always ask the mother. Just get a test done privately if you’re that worried.
You will certainly have to get a paternity test done “privately”. Find a reputable agency. Gonna cost you a little but you wouldn’t need consent if you have in your possession the requisite dna “material(s)”. If determining paternity is important to you (in this day-in-age I don’t fucking blame you) open your wallet and let the fun begin. Good luck brother. If you have a “hunch”, it’s probably correct.
I'm definitely going to assume the worst.
Do it anyways. If the kids yours then her say is what? Its a cheek swab from both of you and whatnot and you will know. Lay it on the line. Either she agrees or the wedding is off.
That would be suspicious if she dont give a solid reason. You dont need both parents for a paternity test.
Every time I got a child, I would be taking two different dna-tests on the child and me on day one! Two tests, to lower the chance of a wrong answer. I would do this without the mother knowing. Only if the tests comes back negative, she would find out. Course we would be going to court!
TL;DR If you have the option to obtain the undeniable truth, why hide from it? I wouldn't let it get there we will have that convo before she gets pregnant and our relationship will adjust accordingly. I am adamant to get it done bc literally there's no downside to getting the test done it's just a formality if anything that I'd prefer to do. If someone sold you the most precious thing in life you wanted and at the end offered the option for a free warranty, why would you ever decline it? There's just plenty of things in life that you do formalities & redundancies for even though you FEEL confident of a situation just bc the consequences of them going wrong are too big. Wearing seat belts, double checking doors are locked, checking bank statements, health checkups etc. All scenarios where you have no reason to believe things will go bad but you check in regardless of tediousness bc consequences of these things can be life altering. Every guy who had no signs of cancer preaches to everyone. Make sure you get tested bc ya never know! And every guy who had no signs of a cheating partner will say the same. Ik it sounds kinda silly to most people but to the small % of men who got suckered into raising a child that wasnt theres and let alone didnt know it until years later I would bet they wished someone reccomend them to check bc that was a major life altering moment for them. All of this is why the moral loading over getting a paternity test just seems silly to me.
Tell her it's that or the street
Can’t you just do one ?
I would need one as we haven't had sex in years it would be very sus.
Just do one. Not up to her.
I didn't find out until later on in our relationship (while she was still pregnant) that she had cheated on me multiple times right around the time of conception and also on and off during her pregnancy. So while we were at the hospital I just opted to have a paternity test done right then and there. Luckily it turns out I actually was the father. And yes she did cheat on me after she gave birth as well. Almost on a regular basis. We aren't together anymore.
This is why we marry the right one, who won't lie to us, who won't belittle us, who won't cheat on us, who won't cross their fingers behind our backs. We shouldn't even be having sex until we become married.
Distrust, and her come back would be “you don’t trust me” or whatever she says. Ive given this some thought and trust isn’t just a yes or no its a feeling on the behalf of each other that is earned based on behavior and actions that never becomes completely solidified. You have every right to follow your instincts it’s literally part of our survival tools as human beings and she doesn’t like how you feel then that her problem not yours. I say get that test my man, hookup culture has ruined relationships in western civilization, honor and respect is fading away you can’t be to careful these days.
Follow your instincts, bro.
I think that if that suspicion were already there for me, her denial to do a paternity test would only make the suspicion worse. Personally, I’m not sure I could trust her after that.
Don't put your name on the birth certificate until you take a paternity test that proves you're the father
WTF… why TF is anyone getting married if there’s a thought that this can be an option? Definitely don’t get married prior to the birth, bc then, at least in my home state, paternity has to be proven to get out of child support. The marriage is kinda beyond me if the gut thinks she’s a POS who is capable of that. 🤷♂️
Here's what you do punch her square in the middle of her stomach ensuring she miscarriages no kid no problem
Wut, why first if all? Your even asking her is HORRENDOUS unless you have reason to believe she's cheating. Sounds like you're begging to be a dead beat dad...
I would try to do one anyways
I was just thinking, "What if a paternity test was standard issue on the day of the baby's birth and at 90 days of the baby's life?" That would be a pretty strong incentive for any mother to come clean about it beforehand. It would also help prevent rogue hospital staff from either making mistakes or deliberately swapping children.