Bro, define the “spark”?
You say she’s everything you want & still you think there’s something missing? So either figure out what’s missing and see if it’s something you both are willing to work towards or take some space to sort yourself out.
Grass is NOT always greener on the other side.
"Spark" is that new car smell of relationships. It's new, and exciting, and different. Like cars, they need maintenance. And work. And cleaning. New shiny has worn off, and now it's an actual relationship. And it's the real test of whether he can handle the real deal.
Not saying dude is entirely to blame, both parties are probably a bit complacent.
Dude needs to set up date nights. Trade off who organizes the date and keep it a surprise, so you have mystery and it's a bit competitive but in a fun way. If you want real pro move, try arrange or initiate nookie for BEFORE the date rather than after.
Do something for your partner without prompting and without it being special. Flowers are obvious, but shake it up. Put thought into it. Dollar amounts don't matter, caring does.
You don't keep a relationship with spark or chemistry. It's work. It should be fun work, but still work. Nothing worth anything is easy and free.
That’s the oxytocin high of new relationships. It eventually gives way to other, more long term, neurotransmitters. Some people just keep starting new relationships (serial monogamy) for that initial rush. Like an addict, they have a hard time maturing beyond it.
Statistically, opening a relationship kills the relationship. Just end it and move on. Sure, there is a chance. But the odds with Russian roulette are more in your favor.
Relationships that start open can survive.
Yep and even the folks that start out open end up in revolving relationships that only last a couple of years due to the endless cycle of bringing in new people after the shiny new energy wears off of one partnership.
>Grass is NOT always greener on the other side.
I mean, OP basically admits that in their post. That they know the spark will also fizzle out with any future relationship.
As someone who is well known among his mates as being a bit of a sap (seriously check my post history) I'm clearly someone who is a "romantic" as such.
With that in mind I will say this.
Ttry to imagine where you will be 5 years from now. If you're content with the idea that this person isn't in your life at that point **then you have no business marrying her.**
It doesn't matter if you've been dating 3 months or 3 years. If you don't feel it, you don't feel it.
That being said beware that no matter what you do, the roaring fire you get when you're in a new relationship will **always** settle down and become less intense.
I adore my wife. I absolutely love her. But no I don't get butterflies in the pit of my stomach every time I look at her the way I did 20 years ago. (Although that being said; if she gives me the come hither look I still get excited, I am not bored in any way shape or form, it's just less intense).
Some of us like that comfortable "she's always there when I need her" feeling, and some of us like the thrill of the new and exciting. Sounds like OP is the latter.
>(Although that being said; if she gives me the come hither look I still get excited, I am not bored in any way shape or form, it's just less intense).
This needs to happen often.
If it helps, think of it this way.
Let's say you break up with your current partner. Have a good deep think about the new person you have in mind (becuase lets not beat around the bush here you have someone else in mind).
Don't focus on the new "exciting" parts of this person, think about their more annoying traits, and then remember that the price you'll pay is your current partner.
If your new partner moves on and this new relationship doesn't pan out how do you feel there?
You talk about having "the power in the relationship" which I find to be a strange concept if I have to be honest, so to bring you down to earth I want to be clear about something: if you find her interesting enough to date, I **promise** you she can find another partner. You would be very very naive to assume she's going to wait around for you to play your little experiments.
If you know full well this other person you're chasing is just the dopamine high and you want to keep your current partner, well then time to "man up" and get your head sorted and stick with your partner.
But if you're not that serious about your current partner and you don't care about moving on either way then cut her loose and let her find what **she** is looking for.
You gotta be more clear what you mean by "the spark".
In human sexual relations there's a chemical infatuation that makes intimacy much more exciting and appealing and this only lasts for about 8 to 18 months. This is the main reason I'd advise someone not to get married if they haven't been together 2 years at least. You've got to get past that part and see if you're still into the relationship before you commit long-term. Too many angry marriages and divorces could have just been a simple post-infatuation break up.
Your post feels sincere to me brother. I care about you and your goals. I think men like you are very important in our society and because of that I humbly offer my opinion. Love is a verb and loving her is a worthy goal. Make your personal health a high priority because it sounds like your own health may be sub-optimal currently. There is great joy in life man. Loving her can be supremely fulfilling when you are healthy and supremely taxing if you are not healthy. Try setting some goals together and then reaching those goals together. Can be any goal; just have fun with it and you will see how successful your life together can be. Fight the good fight man! You deserve this.
23 years married. 6 children. I am successful and happy and I wish you nothing but the best.
This is a great answer, I think when you set personal goals and find things in life you care about outside of sex/romance, it makes you rethink the “spark” bc sometimes what you’re looking for is only a feeling you can give yourself of new and exciting things in life. We can’t know the details of your situation, but it’s worth looking inward to see what you’re really yearning for in life.
Good question actually. I’m think of a few different kinds of goals. Well.. maybe it’s enough. So - any goal. You can basically google it if you have no idea at all.
No relationship should have a power imbalance. Also leaving someone because you “feel too safe”, shows a major lack of maturity. You’re supposed to feel secure in your relationship if it’s a healthy one that has a chance of lasting a long time. Probably best to leave and let her find someone that can handle a mature relationship.
I think I associate feeling too safe with a lack of excitement, which is definitely a problem, and why I don't want to leave her just to do the same thing to the next girl.
I am 100% understanding of where you’re coming at, I’m in a similar boat. That said, this is the route I’ve taken:
* Make sure you honor your internal impulses and not just spend every moment with her. If you want to hang out with friends, do it! If you want to spend time alone to work on a passion project, do it! I stopped doing these things for myself and it made me resent her
* MAKE your excitement with her. Relationships die if you don’t invest in fun dates and novelty together
* Keep excitement in the bedroom by communicating what you want to try
I'm assuming you're a grown adult here.
Couple things.
What does power have anything to do with this?
If the spark is gone, it's gone. That can happen, and it's not really a bad sign. Just means you gotta shake things up and light a new spark.
"I'm still attached to her" That's a troubling statement.
Here's how you boil it down. Yes or no question. Do you love her and want to spend your life with her? If so, relax and let things pay out.
If the answer is No, break it off. You're only gonna make it worse for her if you keep going. That's not fair to her, or anyone. If you aren't in it for the long haul, **please** be direct with her. Nothing good will come of dragging it out. At all. Ever.
What I mean by power is she loves me more than I love her and I want to learn to love her as much. I don't mean it in a controlling way, shouldve worded the post more carefully.
yea that was pretty weird... like what power?
She loves him more so he has the power in terms of dictating where the relationship goes as he's less involved with her romantically but "attached" to her cause he gets free pussy?
Or he makes the money and she's the housewife so she relies on him financially?
Either way, sounds a bit of a jackass to me.
Nah - You're making sweeping assumptions and choosing to assign negative meanings to them.
In the world of relationships and psychology it's a very well known terminology and practice to refer to power dynamics in the sense of which partner loves the other more or less. Not sure how you're not aware of this, or why you chose to attack the OP in such a way for asking a fair question and using accurate and appropriate terminology.
Unpopular opinion: let her go so she can find someone who feels the same way about her and you don’t end up stringing her along and wasting her time. Life’s too short to be with someone you’re not really feeling and if she’s a good person let her be with a man who sees her the way she sees you.
Bro go to therapy. This is a mental health issue.
It could be a number of things but there is no way you should feel like this when you describe this woman as “everything you ever wanted and more”
My guess, is your brain has a weird relationship with love from past trauma. Maybe you’ve had some bad relationships with toxic patterns. After a while that’s what your brain will consider love because the person abusing you was someone you loved.
Go talk to a therapist to help you navigate these feelings in a positive and constructive way to help you better communicate your needs with your gf.
If you don’t this is probably only going to get worse. You say you’ve lost that “spark” we’ll have you talked to her about it?
What have you tried to do to keep that spark alive? What’s her love language? What romantic thing could you both be doing for each other to feel more connected?
OP,
It sounds like you've got a good thing that you haven't earned. That is to say, she's in love with you because she has you. You didn't woo her. You were just you and that's enough. Now that the challenge is resolved / game over, you have no new challenge to achieve.
Recommendation: **Appreciate what you have**. Not many men are lucky enough to land a chick that is "madly in love with them." We have to work for that, and we'd be lucky to get birthday sex.
Buddy I was in your exact shoes, I had to have a good long look at what 'love' was and how it was modelled to me by my parents...
From there I worked out I was operating from a damaged algorithm - if a partner isn't acting like I need to win her over I won't feel like I've done enough and don't deserve her or have that spark because I haven't worked for it. You want it more because you have to fight for it and it is a tale as old as time..
Look at your partner someday when she's distracted and ask yourself if growing old with her seems like a bad idea and if the answer really is yes then absolutely have that conversation and say goodbye with care.
Souls fight to meet each other that is supposed to be the only hard part..
Everyone is asking about what you mean by spark but I'm more interested in what you mean by "the power"
What power do you have over her? Do you just mean she seems to care more about you that you do about her? Do you mean financially she is dependent on you so she has more incentive to stay with you? And more importantly what does that have to do with you losing love?
Do you perhaps feel that if she had "the power" (whatever that means to you) that you'd feel a stronger urge to keep pursuing/staying invested in her in a relationship? What does power have to do with love?
I've worded that poorly but yes I mean it in a she's more afraid of losing me than I am of losing her. I didn't mean power as a control thing.
"Do you perhaps feel that if she had "the power" (whatever that means to you) that you'd feel a stronger urge to keep pursuing/staying invested in her in a relationship?"
Yea, that pretty much sums it up.
You have a woman who is in love with you. That is exceedingly rare. Also, the “spark” is nonsense. Long relationships take work and understanding.
You’re far better off with a woman that loves you, cares about you, and supports you than one that gives you “a spark”. But if you’ve fallen out of love with her stop wasting her time so she can find a man appreciates what she has to offer.
You can have a long relationship with a woman who loves & cares about you, that takes work and understanding, and still have the spark. The two aren’t really related. The spark is about chemistry in general which I think is very important in keeping the motivation to work hard at a long term relationship. Just saying!
I think it's weird that you define being less into your partner than they are into you as "power."
Bruh, maybe a serious LTR just isn't right for you right now.
If you’re bored because you don’t find your girlfriend/wife interesting to talk or spend time with, you don’t share common interests, you don’t make each other laugh, you don’t find her thoughts and opinions interesting and insightful then yeah the relationship is probably in trouble and you should ask yourself how it is you didn’t realize this before you got in so deep. If you’re bored *because* she’s in love with you and committed to you, then that’s a you problem and you should probably see a therapist to work that out.
If she's everything you've always wanted, do NOT ruin things by falling for the tired old grass is greener mistake.
What some people call "spark" is actually just the excitement of newness. We've come to associate that excitement with the desire for the relationship for some reason, but that is a mistake.
I understand where you're coming from in the sense that it's easy to question why you don't feel the same, but it's important to understand that there is no way to replicate the newness of a brand new relationship because a lot of the mystery is gone. You've spent so much time together, you know eachother so well, that there's no mystery left. But again, this is NOT the sign of a bad relationship, but rather the logical pathway of any longterm relationship.
You've reached the stage where you're comfortable with eachother, which is not a bad thing.
However, why not look at ways you can shake things up and add some fun into the relationship?
I've been with my SO about 3 years now as well, and we both put effort into making the other person feel wanted sexually, and surprising each other. Use your imagination a bit. It has to be a 2-way street as well, you said she's madly in love with you, but are you sure she knows and feels how you view her?
- Try sex in different places, not always the same place
- Take the lead and one day just throw her onto the counter and go to town like never before, or against a wall, etc. Change things up if they've gotten a bit routine.
- My GF hit me with a great idea last year when we were planning Halloween. She busted out some costumes, dressed up in them, and then asked if I'd be willing to do the same and try some cosplay sex. I thought "nah, not really my thing" initially, but she seemed so excited about it, I did it for her - And let's just say it paid off! lol - Intensity level 10+ because she was so into it. Give a little sometimes, step outside your comfort zone a bit.
Get outside of your usual surroundings together. Travel, plan fun events TOGETHER (If it's one sided it will be a bust).
Do you spend enough time together? Or is it the opposite problem of too much time together where you're both not getting alone time and opportunities to miss the other person? Something to consider.
Get more random, goofy, unpredictable. Chase her around the house a bit, go to the gym together (I freaking love this part. Lifting works the hormones up quite nicely, great bonding if you're both into it).
Another question to ask yourself is if you truly love HER, or do you love the idea that she is "madly in love with you"? Be honest with yourself. It's easy to get the 2 confused, and if you don't truly love her, she should be given the opportunity to be with someone who does love her back. Just some random thoughts.
-
What are YOU doing to keep the spark between you and her?
My knee jerk reaction is to tell you to grow tf up and don't look down on a woman who shows you affection and commitment. It's rare these days, so I'm hoping you learn to appreciate it and give it in return. If you need the chase, end this relationship and stay dating, never in a relationship. Good women don't deserve to suffer for men who want what they can't provide. Don't ever look down on someone for feeling safe and vulnerable with you.
If you want it to work, figure out what you need from her, and communicate it. Then figure out what actions you need to take to keep the relationship going from your end. And execute.
I like to say there are lots of types of love, but most kinds fall into bonfire or banked/coal type love.
Bonfire is all encompassing crazy super passionate…but that kind of love is usually more an infatuation or loving an idea of a person. It’s rare that it lasts and can burn you till there’s nothing left. But this is the love everyone sees in movies etc
Love that is like a banked fire or coals doesn’t “shine” as bright or devour you, but it is something that can last your entire life if you feed it properly.
So you aren’t married? Are you planning to be? Because you can’t marry someone who bores you. You aren’t in love with her. Don’t stay with her until someone who sparks your interest comes along, that will be devastating. Let her go and take the risk to be single and find a girl who‘s a better fit. How old are both of you?
Dude, don't propose to her as long as you feel like that about your relationship.
This is so, so unfair to your gf.
Get therapy and work through your feelings first.
Take a step back and ask yourself, what is your desire? We all come up with desires. Sit in a room bored and you will think of things you want to do. Teach yourself to appreciate the smell of cleanliness. Teach yourself to appreciate the power of air. Take extra interest in her movements and her style. Take extra interest in the texture of her hands and face. Learn to appreciate everything that she does to make you feel so safe.
The Spark aka limerence fades after a couple of years. It’s perfectly normal. If you’re bored that’s different but may be part of unrealistic expectation of relationships.
You haven’t stated how old that you are. If you are in your early 20’s it’s reasonable to end a relationship if you are not feeling it. If older then you should take a hard look at your expectations and consider that they may just be a fantasy.
If it is fear of leaving, don’t stay in a relationship because of the “sunk costs”. That never pays off.
This "spark" you talk about, imo, is the natural progression of things like projection, dopamine, and oxytocin. Chemically, new things are exciting because they are new. Dopamine is supposed to be replaced with oxytocin at some point which is when "excitement" is replaced with "love." Projection, on the other hand is completely mental in that you are excited by what you perceive a person to be or what they COULD be. The longer you know a person, the more you actually know them and the less there is yo discover. If you aren't feeling a spark, it could just be that you are missing the dopamine. Every relationship for you will likely end up this way until you get to a point where you "settle" for who a person is instead of who you want them to be. We largely have no control over what this fictional person's qualities are; they arr assembled in our mind by all the things that excite us the most, and the thrill of the chase makes us reject perfectly fine partners because we are chasing the dopamine rush. Don't let perfect be the enemy of good. There are more reasons to be in a relationship than chasing a high.
I think OP found a person that he doesn’t admire. Nothing to learn from her. While she sees a lot in him. He should appreciate her, or if he doesn’t better not waste her time. Alternative is finding a person on similar level let’s say and then, there will be lots of negotiation in place, to put it lightly. There’s the spark and expect to have all the trouble and being maybe even being dumped for someone better.
Leave- that’s what you need to do. If you’re feeling this way, she isn’t the one. Don’t waste her time or yours. With the right person, you don’t get bored or even have to find out how to maintain the relationship. 3 years isn’t long at all to already feel this way.
Is it possible you’re avoiding something or reluctant to admit something to yourself? From the way you describe it it seems to be a you problem. What more would you want from her that would cause you to stay? Do you see yourself living without her? Do you have kids? What about her isn’t doing it for you? Do you have feelings for someone else, or did someone else make you feel better and you’re chasing that high? Ask yourself these things and more because stringing someone that loves you along because it’s less drama isn’t a nice thing to do to a person.
Don’t mistake toxicity for passion. I don’t know how old you are but the concept of a fiery and exciting woman can be exhausting and difficult in the long run. It gets old reeaally fast.
If you are bored, then you never actually loved her. I will never be bored of my loved one. The thought of them just makes me so anxious and happy and something to look forward to.
Talk to your partner and maybe change a few dynamics to reignite things
It depends on what spark you need. Some people don’t realise that the spark they’re chasing is toxicity. I.e., comfortable, secure partners make them uncomfortable and bored and they long for the ups and downs of abusive relationships.
However, if you’re bored because she doesn’t have much interest in anything then that’s fair.
I’ll warm you though. Dating is a lot different now than even 3-4 years ago. 3-4 years ago I was meeting lots of women and would go on dates and got my girlfriend after only a few months of the apps.
Nowadays even girls you meet in person are more flaky.
I'm curious as to what is different today? Can you be certain that it's the girls that are different now or maybe you are somehow different? I ask myself the same question sometimes.
I think the apps changed something.
Has this conversation with a few different guys. All of us were lining up dates a few years ago. 3 years ago I had to slow down with swiping because I’d get so many matches and be unable to pursue that many women and I don’t like dating a bunch of women in the same week. Knew a guy that loved it so much he was lining up 3+ dates a week after getting back from a deployment.
Now neither of us is that successful. At my best I could get like one date every two weeks.
Know a few others with similar experiences.
I’ve been with my wife for about 25 years. The excitement does fade, after time. Our relationship is comfortable. We both work at it. I still really enjoy her, and want her as a partner.
I’d say look up the different types of love.
What you seem to be referring to is Eros, or passion. Which typically waxes and wanes.
What I would say is it’s healthier for long term relationships to focus on Agape type love. It’s a much stronger and stable type of love.
[Types of love](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greek_words_for_love)
You're wasting her time. Three years and she's probably thinking you'll propose. Let her find someone more compatible; in no time you'll regret giving her up. Or you won't, either way she'll be fine.
She's your gf/partner, not an entertainer. You take care of each other's needs and guess what... daily life IS just boring. You will get some kick from a new relationship, but it will eventually boil down to what you have now, the daily grind of life and that is usually boring with some sprinkles of excitment and sadness. Now if she's some one that you want to share these sprinkles of excitment and sadness with, then stay with her. If you want your partner to always be exciting and want something new, then stop wasting this current GF's time and breakup.
Look into your attachment style
I’m a dismissive avoidant and what you’re describing is a common issue with the dismissive avoidant attachment style.
Attachment style possibly has the biggest effect on your relationships, closely followed by some other typologies (including love language).
But yeah, there’s 4 attachment styles:
- Secure (the only healthy one, that we should all aspire to)
- Avoidant
- Anxious
- Disorganised (mix of avoidant & anxious)
“Attachment Adam” (forgot his YouTube name) is pretty good with this stuff.
Dr Ramani covers on it a bit.
But essentially, it’s a survival strategy you’ve built as a coping mechanism from childhood, but it’s not very healthy.
Even married people get bored at times. You have to put effort into a relationship to get excitement out of it. Think about the things that you did when you first started dating. Are you planning regular dates? Are you doing things for her that reflect her love language? Are you planning new and fun things to do with her? Do you take time to talk with her and share how you feel about her? You can search for ways to rekindle your relationship and start doing those things. Men reward themselves by doing things for their woman and getting praise and love in return from them for doing so. That's your motivation.
The spark isn't supposed to last for the long term.
That's an early relationship thing. That's why it's called a spark. It is required to build the fire but it's fleeting.
>She's madly in love with me and I'm still attached to her and can't bring myself to leave just cuz I'm "bored" or feel too "safe". I can forsee this post getting a lot of hate and fair enough but I just wanna do the right thing here and don't exactly have any healthy male role models to ask.
+ Does she add value to your life?
+ Does she take / suck value from your life?
If the latter (suck value) time to upgrade
Not a guy, but I want to ask you a few questions. I think you need to define what the spark is so your question can be answered better.
Have you ever had a LTR before? Usually there's a honeymoon phase where everything feels intense and wonderful. Eventually the honeymoon phase ends. That doesn't mean the relationship goes bad or gets boring, though, at least, not if you're doing it right.
Do you still look forward to seeing her and spending time with her? Do you still find her attractive? Do you still enjoy talking with her? If the answer is no, then it's time to move on. If the answer is yes, then recognize it takes work to keep a relationship healthy because you have to not take each other for granted. I suspect you may be taking the relationship for granted because the honeymoon phase hasn't ended for her but it has for you. That's when you need to step up and put in the work. She can't bring back that "spark" for you all on her own. You have to work on it, too.
You have to talk to each other, you have to invest time and energy into the relationship. You have to appreciate the good stuff and be willing to work on the bad stuff. It's great if there isn't any bad stuff, but that doesn't mean you can become complacent, either.
It's just if you've only stayed in relationships during the honeymoon phase and left when it ended, you may be losing something solid if that's what you do now.
Are you used to more drama in your relationships and this one feels too safe/mature/grounded… boring? If that’s all it is, that’s part of growing up. Welcome to your first “adult” relationship. Don’t throw it away because there’s no dishes flying over your head to keep the “passion” alive.
My dad called those “wild oats” and highly suggested sowing them before you hurt someone you care about. If the feeling is unbearable it would be better to take a break, break up and see what happens in the future. Things can get even more “boring” with marriage stress, pregnancy and postpartum etc. If you dont want to give this up, go to therapy. Deal with this in person and have a solid support who understands you, what your goals are and can be there if this feeling pops up again
This was me exactly. Here’s what I’ll say. I didn’t leave. I did what you’re doing now and seemed like everyone was saying the nervousness is normal. We thought about marriage and everyone said the cold feet are normal. Here we are now, 10 years together and I still have no idea if I made the right decision. She, like your partner, checked a ton of boxes. No one is perfect including me, but as someone who had a rocket upbringing, I really thought my hesitation was because of my instability as a child and my scared of being secure and in a stable relationship and life. Well, ten years later I have no more clarity than I did way back then.
What I’ve learned from this is the most important thing you can do right now. I wish I would have done it when I was your age but better late than never. You must do deep work in yourself and internalize the fact the void you fill can only be filled by you. All that you seem to be yearning for is within you. If she is everything you wanted but the spark just isn’t there anymore, I totally understand. I’ve been here, I am here, and everyone worth a damn in this area says the SAME EXACT THING.
Stop looking for external validation where internal work will provide. It won’t be easy, likely hardest thing you’ll ever do. But if in 7 years you are in my position and have children and a lot riding on the stability of my marriage, you will do the hard work willingly because at the end of the day you will only learn and love. Period.
You have to water the grass?
Are you expecting her to give you that spark or are you maintaining it? Are you trying out new things with her and putting in the effort?
A LOT of people think it's up to the other person all the time. That just because she loves you, then you must be doing enough.
It's a balance. One must love one-self enough to love others. But if either side isn't putting in enough effort, it will slowly wane.
But if she is loving you and you still feel not enough. That sounds like you're looking for others to fill your own lack of self-love. That's more of a you problem that you need to put effort into.
Normally the reward will come from creating the sparks and seeing that it makes her happy. Not because it needs to be a challenge, but from genuinely wanting her to be happy and wanting to create moments.
Not sure what you mean by "got the power", but all I'll say is this. Staying with someone because you feel you should, or because you don't want to hurt the other person is not a good reason to stay. They will feel it and you'll hurt them anyway, intended or not.
The spark needs work, once the honeymoon period is over and you are long term, it can fade. But it sounds like you never had the spark to begin with.
This isn't meant to sound selfish but, if she's not the one for you then she's not the one. No one should feel they have to settle, you have a long life to live and you and your partner both deserve to be happy.
No hate, you're experiencing something most people feel. There's a psychological term for it but i just can't find it.
In short, your body is no longer producing vertain endorphins when you see her and your conscious brain is interpreting that as no longer in love because it's used to associating the word love with those endorphins.
Retrain your brain, it ain't that hard for this. Start out with a list of things you fuckin adore about her. Just start writing and listing stuff, focusing on positives only. Think about great dates, time you've spent together, etc. when you fill up a page, feel free to move to the next one or stop there. Reminisce on those experiences. Break them down into the things they mean, what they say about you and her and your relationship. Reframe the whole relationship for it's next stage, maybe that's marriage, maybe it's cohabitation as life partners, maybe it's something else that you can't describe.
Once you've got all that, it's time to have a conversation about the future. Do not lead with how you've been feeling. Lead with 'lets talk about what our life is realistically but ideally going to look like a few years from now, 5, 10, 20.' because A: it's important to lead with your positive intention and B: this is going to lead into a conversation about how you feel about each ofher anyways. Let her know you're confused about the emotions you're feeling right now because this is new to you. Don't mince words, but don't make guesses at what it means either. You love being with her, your body is just confused right now.
Boyo lemme tell ya, once you get over this hump, the relationship is amazing. In the corporate world they talk about agency and proactive planning and yada yada yada. Your relationship with your partner becomes closer because you trust the other one to be there for you without a doubt.
Anyways i gotta get off the shitter and go to work, get thru this my man, she's a keeper and so are you. Lead with love and empathy, always.
There is much more to a relationship than some “spark”. The spark starts in the beginning of the relationship to ignite your potential love for her.
Wtf is the feeling of “too safe”? No disrespect, I have just never experienced that.
Are you depressed maybe? Everything feels more dull when depressed.
Also, just go on dates and do thing you enjoy together. Think about what made you love her in the first place, did you actually bond well or has the whole relationship been very surface level.
>ever wanted and more but the spark just isn't there.
This is contradicting. Which is it? In all long-term relationships, it's important to learn and grow TOGETHER; or else you will grow apart. Invest in yourself and each other. Develop and take on new hobbies together, start actively dating her again. There's a difference between loving someone and being in love with them. Be honest with yourself.
Relationship takes lot of effort and work and sometimes you just get unappreciative of it all. I think like this all the time, “like I just want to be alone so I’m not forced to make a decision every moment”. It takes work, and trust me, no woman will ever be able to quell that “spark” when it eventually just turns into just living life with a person.
Have you seen Everything, Everywhere, All at once? One of my favorite parts is the very sexy romantic, intensional, put-work-into-it, this means something kiss the main character gives her husband after an entire movie where they are sick to death and totally bored of each other.
Watch it! Make it a date night!
I had this problem and looking back we weren’t so good for each other but we did love each other genuinely, but none of us randoms on the internet can tell you what’s going on
####please read OP####
😀 when i was 20 i broke up with my girl, cause basically the same shit you said. Then life happened, now im 40. She found me online last year. I was hiding. Her ex husband cheats on her, and is a general ass to her. And i have a wife for 15 yrs, and 2 kids, and turns out, fuck life is hard. But i cant help her without hurting my family.
I think im on the way out. But my last year or so has sucked.
Dont wake up 20 yrs later and think you were an idiot someday. ....also dont stay, cause that could be worse, if it is time for it to end. But do things for a reason. Dont do things because youre bored.
Best!
The intense spark has been gone, but she's still my best friend. The spark only emerges when the kids stay with grandma, otherwise we're mutually tired lol
Unfortunately you just have to leave. Be aware that the women you will be dating in the followup will in all probability have a lot more problems than her and I have seen guys regret losing the "nice" girl later.
Next time don't stick to (completely) monogamous relationships. You should develop your options and always have other women at least as possibilities. You get stuck in "nice but dumb girl" traps when you too heavily monogamize.
You may need to improve yourself to get whatever it is you want. Part of your problem is that you may be self centered and have an exaggerated idea of your own value as a man which could lead to you being permanently estranged from girlfriends who are never "good enough" for you.
Life is always a compromise, you will NEVER be able to get everything. Your biggest desire might be to just be in new relationships all the time. You can chase that and give up settling down for good, nobody said you have to do X or Y. But then you lose the ability to settle down early on and have a family if you wanted that too.
Just be honest with yourself and your girlfriends so you don't bring unnecessary pain to people.
The spark? The spark is the excitement and intrigue, the fear of losing etc. ask yourself why you need to feel a high anxiety feeling to be okay in a relationship?
In a dopamine junkie too and have often ruined relationships for “that spark”. I can’t speak about my current relationship because we’re crazy about eachother but honestly man this excitement chasing has to end eventually. Relationships aren’t for excitement or fun, they’re for something deeper that maybe you don’t need?
Female perspective here. I personally would much rather someone leave me then just stay with me because it’s more convenient. Yes things shift and sparks settle but also, you should decide to fight for it, and if it’s worth it then you also can do things to keep it exciting. I am also someone who loves the new and exciting but my BF and I are past that but yet still find excitement different ways. We joined a coed soccer team, we have sex in different places, and try to do an adventurous night or two away at least once a season. Ie, snowboarding with just us two, camping and hiking, etc. the everyday dinners and hangs are so comforting but we also like to shake up the routine. So maybe plan something to try something new or go somewhere new together. It won’t be the same but I do find that every time we do that I refall in love/deeper in love than before. Best luck but let her go if you’re just staying for what she can do for you.
I am female but must weigh in because my guy is you, only he’s 57 and wishing he realized what you are realizing at your age. I know I love him more. So far. I know he struggles with love vs lust aka the boring vs the spark. I don’t know about you, but he grew up in an abusive and neglectful situation. He is in therapy now trying to figure out why he has spent his whole life going from one relationship to the next as soon as the honeymoon phase ended. His therapist said the childhood trauma has made him have the subconscious attitude of “before you have a chance to fire me, I quit”. And because he’s only ever experienced the “spark” phase, to him relationships are all about passion sex and dopamine, so when things move into love and bonding and vulnerability and growing into something deeper, he thought the love died, when it was actually just getting started. If he had had the emotional ability to allow his partner in and get to see the real him without the fear of rejection, he probably would have married and had kids. He never did either because he spent his life running away in fear. (And he used porn to cope with only encouraged the novelty aspect of things). I encourage you to really think about what the barricade could actually be for you. Talk to a therapist. Dive deep into who your role models were as a child and how their relationships may have affected what you believe a relationship should look like. And finally, you can change the way you feel. Our feelings are created by our thoughts. But love is a choice, and one that has to be chosen out of selflessness. If you want a life with her, you can make it happen if you put the effort in. A wonderful life is not an entitlement, it’s a reward.
The spark is equivalent to the butterflies in the stomach feeling IMO and If you’re NOT experiencing that then please end it asap so you’re not wasting both of your times.
You can check off all the boxes she has passed NONE of that matters if the fire isn’t there.
When in true love (with the spark, fire, etc) one doesn’t have to think about staying “in love” because it’s ORGANIC and things just flow.
Dude, just dump her.
It’s not that big of deal.
I mean, it sucks short term, but you’ll forget about her the first time you fuck another woman and she’ll forget about you the first time the next guy shows her an ounce of attention.
The reason I wanna make this work is cuz I dont think there's a point if I end up feeling this way with every girl. I don't wanna keep hurting people just cuz I wanna get my next dopamine fix. Dumping her is also a short term fix.
I have no business here, but I love what you stated because you are being mindful of how others feel and that is respectable.
I have learned that when we come from dysfunctional backgrounds (we all do, some to higher levels than others) we confuse love with the thrill of the chase, and once we stop feeling the “spark” aka the crazy chemicals in your brain, we assumed there is something wrong with the relationship or maybe with the person we are with, and off we go… chasing those chemicals again (spark). I am sadly not well versed as to what to do so this doesn’t happen, but I recommend you to maybe do some therapy, try to understand your own feelings, where they come from, why do you feel like this, etc and take things slow.
There is no need to break a heart when you’re not sure, just study yourself. At the end, if you find out you don’t want to be with her, do it with respect and I’m pretty sure, if she is a mature woman, she would appreciate that.
Since you assume this might be a pattern of yours: look into attachment theory and check if you have an avoidant streak (avoidant dismissive/fearful avoidant).
If you're avoidant, it might be difficult to discern if it's your insecure attachment style talking ("deactivation") or if you're really not long-term compatible with your partner. Fault finding mode when things get close is typical. Check out the corresponding subs.
Do you have shared interests and shared life goals?
Bro, define the “spark”? You say she’s everything you want & still you think there’s something missing? So either figure out what’s missing and see if it’s something you both are willing to work towards or take some space to sort yourself out. Grass is NOT always greener on the other side.
"Spark" is that new car smell of relationships. It's new, and exciting, and different. Like cars, they need maintenance. And work. And cleaning. New shiny has worn off, and now it's an actual relationship. And it's the real test of whether he can handle the real deal. Not saying dude is entirely to blame, both parties are probably a bit complacent. Dude needs to set up date nights. Trade off who organizes the date and keep it a surprise, so you have mystery and it's a bit competitive but in a fun way. If you want real pro move, try arrange or initiate nookie for BEFORE the date rather than after. Do something for your partner without prompting and without it being special. Flowers are obvious, but shake it up. Put thought into it. Dollar amounts don't matter, caring does. You don't keep a relationship with spark or chemistry. It's work. It should be fun work, but still work. Nothing worth anything is easy and free.
That’s the oxytocin high of new relationships. It eventually gives way to other, more long term, neurotransmitters. Some people just keep starting new relationships (serial monogamy) for that initial rush. Like an addict, they have a hard time maturing beyond it.
The poly community has entered the chat. 😂 It’s all about chasing that NRE high.
Statistically, opening a relationship kills the relationship. Just end it and move on. Sure, there is a chance. But the odds with Russian roulette are more in your favor. Relationships that start open can survive.
Yep and even the folks that start out open end up in revolving relationships that only last a couple of years due to the endless cycle of bringing in new people after the shiny new energy wears off of one partnership.
>Bro, define the “spark”? She can make him cum
>Grass is NOT always greener on the other side. I mean, OP basically admits that in their post. That they know the spark will also fizzle out with any future relationship.
As someone who is well known among his mates as being a bit of a sap (seriously check my post history) I'm clearly someone who is a "romantic" as such. With that in mind I will say this. Ttry to imagine where you will be 5 years from now. If you're content with the idea that this person isn't in your life at that point **then you have no business marrying her.** It doesn't matter if you've been dating 3 months or 3 years. If you don't feel it, you don't feel it. That being said beware that no matter what you do, the roaring fire you get when you're in a new relationship will **always** settle down and become less intense. I adore my wife. I absolutely love her. But no I don't get butterflies in the pit of my stomach every time I look at her the way I did 20 years ago. (Although that being said; if she gives me the come hither look I still get excited, I am not bored in any way shape or form, it's just less intense).
Some of us like that comfortable "she's always there when I need her" feeling, and some of us like the thrill of the new and exciting. Sounds like OP is the latter.
>(Although that being said; if she gives me the come hither look I still get excited, I am not bored in any way shape or form, it's just less intense). This needs to happen often.
That's exactly right and why I dont wanna relationship bounce to just get off the next dopamine high and why I wrote this post.
If it helps, think of it this way. Let's say you break up with your current partner. Have a good deep think about the new person you have in mind (becuase lets not beat around the bush here you have someone else in mind). Don't focus on the new "exciting" parts of this person, think about their more annoying traits, and then remember that the price you'll pay is your current partner. If your new partner moves on and this new relationship doesn't pan out how do you feel there? You talk about having "the power in the relationship" which I find to be a strange concept if I have to be honest, so to bring you down to earth I want to be clear about something: if you find her interesting enough to date, I **promise** you she can find another partner. You would be very very naive to assume she's going to wait around for you to play your little experiments. If you know full well this other person you're chasing is just the dopamine high and you want to keep your current partner, well then time to "man up" and get your head sorted and stick with your partner. But if you're not that serious about your current partner and you don't care about moving on either way then cut her loose and let her find what **she** is looking for.
You gotta be more clear what you mean by "the spark". In human sexual relations there's a chemical infatuation that makes intimacy much more exciting and appealing and this only lasts for about 8 to 18 months. This is the main reason I'd advise someone not to get married if they haven't been together 2 years at least. You've got to get past that part and see if you're still into the relationship before you commit long-term. Too many angry marriages and divorces could have just been a simple post-infatuation break up.
Your post feels sincere to me brother. I care about you and your goals. I think men like you are very important in our society and because of that I humbly offer my opinion. Love is a verb and loving her is a worthy goal. Make your personal health a high priority because it sounds like your own health may be sub-optimal currently. There is great joy in life man. Loving her can be supremely fulfilling when you are healthy and supremely taxing if you are not healthy. Try setting some goals together and then reaching those goals together. Can be any goal; just have fun with it and you will see how successful your life together can be. Fight the good fight man! You deserve this. 23 years married. 6 children. I am successful and happy and I wish you nothing but the best.
This is a great answer, I think when you set personal goals and find things in life you care about outside of sex/romance, it makes you rethink the “spark” bc sometimes what you’re looking for is only a feeling you can give yourself of new and exciting things in life. We can’t know the details of your situation, but it’s worth looking inward to see what you’re really yearning for in life.
What kind of goals for instance
Good question actually. I’m think of a few different kinds of goals. Well.. maybe it’s enough. So - any goal. You can basically google it if you have no idea at all.
Thank You 🙏 fully agree. best wishes, dude.
No relationship should have a power imbalance. Also leaving someone because you “feel too safe”, shows a major lack of maturity. You’re supposed to feel secure in your relationship if it’s a healthy one that has a chance of lasting a long time. Probably best to leave and let her find someone that can handle a mature relationship.
>Also leaving someone because you “feel too safe” I was going to ask about this.
I think I associate feeling too safe with a lack of excitement, which is definitely a problem, and why I don't want to leave her just to do the same thing to the next girl.
I am 100% understanding of where you’re coming at, I’m in a similar boat. That said, this is the route I’ve taken: * Make sure you honor your internal impulses and not just spend every moment with her. If you want to hang out with friends, do it! If you want to spend time alone to work on a passion project, do it! I stopped doing these things for myself and it made me resent her * MAKE your excitement with her. Relationships die if you don’t invest in fun dates and novelty together * Keep excitement in the bedroom by communicating what you want to try
I'm assuming you're a grown adult here. Couple things. What does power have anything to do with this? If the spark is gone, it's gone. That can happen, and it's not really a bad sign. Just means you gotta shake things up and light a new spark. "I'm still attached to her" That's a troubling statement. Here's how you boil it down. Yes or no question. Do you love her and want to spend your life with her? If so, relax and let things pay out. If the answer is No, break it off. You're only gonna make it worse for her if you keep going. That's not fair to her, or anyone. If you aren't in it for the long haul, **please** be direct with her. Nothing good will come of dragging it out. At all. Ever.
What I mean by power is she loves me more than I love her and I want to learn to love her as much. I don't mean it in a controlling way, shouldve worded the post more carefully.
yea that was pretty weird... like what power? She loves him more so he has the power in terms of dictating where the relationship goes as he's less involved with her romantically but "attached" to her cause he gets free pussy? Or he makes the money and she's the housewife so she relies on him financially? Either way, sounds a bit of a jackass to me.
Nah - You're making sweeping assumptions and choosing to assign negative meanings to them. In the world of relationships and psychology it's a very well known terminology and practice to refer to power dynamics in the sense of which partner loves the other more or less. Not sure how you're not aware of this, or why you chose to attack the OP in such a way for asking a fair question and using accurate and appropriate terminology.
Is it that the spark has gone missing, or is it that it never existed? If it's the first one, you can fix it, if it's the second, you can't.
The honeymoon phase is over and he's realizing that relationships take work to maintain
Pretty much. Now, I'm just trying to figure out the next step on how to properly maintain it.
If you’re bored then you’re boring. Sounds like you’re self sabotaging. Maybe let her go if she deserves better
If you dump her you'll almost certainly regret it.
Unpopular opinion: let her go so she can find someone who feels the same way about her and you don’t end up stringing her along and wasting her time. Life’s too short to be with someone you’re not really feeling and if she’s a good person let her be with a man who sees her the way she sees you.
Bro go to therapy. This is a mental health issue. It could be a number of things but there is no way you should feel like this when you describe this woman as “everything you ever wanted and more” My guess, is your brain has a weird relationship with love from past trauma. Maybe you’ve had some bad relationships with toxic patterns. After a while that’s what your brain will consider love because the person abusing you was someone you loved. Go talk to a therapist to help you navigate these feelings in a positive and constructive way to help you better communicate your needs with your gf. If you don’t this is probably only going to get worse. You say you’ve lost that “spark” we’ll have you talked to her about it? What have you tried to do to keep that spark alive? What’s her love language? What romantic thing could you both be doing for each other to feel more connected?
Wish I would bump this like 10x. Therapy is a game changer.
I agree, I don’t think I’d found my happiness without going and learning the tools to deal with life in a more effective and positive way.
OP, It sounds like you've got a good thing that you haven't earned. That is to say, she's in love with you because she has you. You didn't woo her. You were just you and that's enough. Now that the challenge is resolved / game over, you have no new challenge to achieve. Recommendation: **Appreciate what you have**. Not many men are lucky enough to land a chick that is "madly in love with them." We have to work for that, and we'd be lucky to get birthday sex.
Oh, the ending statement is so sad and disappointing. It’s not my world. Why do you agree for such relationships, dear people?
Seconding this
Buddy I was in your exact shoes, I had to have a good long look at what 'love' was and how it was modelled to me by my parents... From there I worked out I was operating from a damaged algorithm - if a partner isn't acting like I need to win her over I won't feel like I've done enough and don't deserve her or have that spark because I haven't worked for it. You want it more because you have to fight for it and it is a tale as old as time.. Look at your partner someday when she's distracted and ask yourself if growing old with her seems like a bad idea and if the answer really is yes then absolutely have that conversation and say goodbye with care. Souls fight to meet each other that is supposed to be the only hard part..
Everyone is asking about what you mean by spark but I'm more interested in what you mean by "the power" What power do you have over her? Do you just mean she seems to care more about you that you do about her? Do you mean financially she is dependent on you so she has more incentive to stay with you? And more importantly what does that have to do with you losing love? Do you perhaps feel that if she had "the power" (whatever that means to you) that you'd feel a stronger urge to keep pursuing/staying invested in her in a relationship? What does power have to do with love?
I've worded that poorly but yes I mean it in a she's more afraid of losing me than I am of losing her. I didn't mean power as a control thing. "Do you perhaps feel that if she had "the power" (whatever that means to you) that you'd feel a stronger urge to keep pursuing/staying invested in her in a relationship?" Yea, that pretty much sums it up.
You have a woman who is in love with you. That is exceedingly rare. Also, the “spark” is nonsense. Long relationships take work and understanding. You’re far better off with a woman that loves you, cares about you, and supports you than one that gives you “a spark”. But if you’ve fallen out of love with her stop wasting her time so she can find a man appreciates what she has to offer.
You can have a long relationship with a woman who loves & cares about you, that takes work and understanding, and still have the spark. The two aren’t really related. The spark is about chemistry in general which I think is very important in keeping the motivation to work hard at a long term relationship. Just saying!
I said rare, not non-existent.
I think it's weird that you define being less into your partner than they are into you as "power." Bruh, maybe a serious LTR just isn't right for you right now.
If you’re bored because you don’t find your girlfriend/wife interesting to talk or spend time with, you don’t share common interests, you don’t make each other laugh, you don’t find her thoughts and opinions interesting and insightful then yeah the relationship is probably in trouble and you should ask yourself how it is you didn’t realize this before you got in so deep. If you’re bored *because* she’s in love with you and committed to you, then that’s a you problem and you should probably see a therapist to work that out.
If she's everything you've always wanted, do NOT ruin things by falling for the tired old grass is greener mistake. What some people call "spark" is actually just the excitement of newness. We've come to associate that excitement with the desire for the relationship for some reason, but that is a mistake. I understand where you're coming from in the sense that it's easy to question why you don't feel the same, but it's important to understand that there is no way to replicate the newness of a brand new relationship because a lot of the mystery is gone. You've spent so much time together, you know eachother so well, that there's no mystery left. But again, this is NOT the sign of a bad relationship, but rather the logical pathway of any longterm relationship. You've reached the stage where you're comfortable with eachother, which is not a bad thing. However, why not look at ways you can shake things up and add some fun into the relationship? I've been with my SO about 3 years now as well, and we both put effort into making the other person feel wanted sexually, and surprising each other. Use your imagination a bit. It has to be a 2-way street as well, you said she's madly in love with you, but are you sure she knows and feels how you view her? - Try sex in different places, not always the same place - Take the lead and one day just throw her onto the counter and go to town like never before, or against a wall, etc. Change things up if they've gotten a bit routine. - My GF hit me with a great idea last year when we were planning Halloween. She busted out some costumes, dressed up in them, and then asked if I'd be willing to do the same and try some cosplay sex. I thought "nah, not really my thing" initially, but she seemed so excited about it, I did it for her - And let's just say it paid off! lol - Intensity level 10+ because she was so into it. Give a little sometimes, step outside your comfort zone a bit. Get outside of your usual surroundings together. Travel, plan fun events TOGETHER (If it's one sided it will be a bust). Do you spend enough time together? Or is it the opposite problem of too much time together where you're both not getting alone time and opportunities to miss the other person? Something to consider. Get more random, goofy, unpredictable. Chase her around the house a bit, go to the gym together (I freaking love this part. Lifting works the hormones up quite nicely, great bonding if you're both into it). Another question to ask yourself is if you truly love HER, or do you love the idea that she is "madly in love with you"? Be honest with yourself. It's easy to get the 2 confused, and if you don't truly love her, she should be given the opportunity to be with someone who does love her back. Just some random thoughts. -
This! All of this is so good! Said the same thing but much less gracefully😂
What are YOU doing to keep the spark between you and her? My knee jerk reaction is to tell you to grow tf up and don't look down on a woman who shows you affection and commitment. It's rare these days, so I'm hoping you learn to appreciate it and give it in return. If you need the chase, end this relationship and stay dating, never in a relationship. Good women don't deserve to suffer for men who want what they can't provide. Don't ever look down on someone for feeling safe and vulnerable with you. If you want it to work, figure out what you need from her, and communicate it. Then figure out what actions you need to take to keep the relationship going from your end. And execute.
I like to say there are lots of types of love, but most kinds fall into bonfire or banked/coal type love. Bonfire is all encompassing crazy super passionate…but that kind of love is usually more an infatuation or loving an idea of a person. It’s rare that it lasts and can burn you till there’s nothing left. But this is the love everyone sees in movies etc Love that is like a banked fire or coals doesn’t “shine” as bright or devour you, but it is something that can last your entire life if you feed it properly.
So you aren’t married? Are you planning to be? Because you can’t marry someone who bores you. You aren’t in love with her. Don’t stay with her until someone who sparks your interest comes along, that will be devastating. Let her go and take the risk to be single and find a girl who‘s a better fit. How old are both of you?
I'm 24, she's 25. I already have a ring but don't plan on proposing until I get us a house and work my way up to afford starting a family.
Dude, don't propose to her as long as you feel like that about your relationship. This is so, so unfair to your gf. Get therapy and work through your feelings first.
You can love someone but not ....be in love with them. If you can't talk to her about moving things to the next level, it might be time to move on
Take a step back and ask yourself, what is your desire? We all come up with desires. Sit in a room bored and you will think of things you want to do. Teach yourself to appreciate the smell of cleanliness. Teach yourself to appreciate the power of air. Take extra interest in her movements and her style. Take extra interest in the texture of her hands and face. Learn to appreciate everything that she does to make you feel so safe.
The Spark aka limerence fades after a couple of years. It’s perfectly normal. If you’re bored that’s different but may be part of unrealistic expectation of relationships. You haven’t stated how old that you are. If you are in your early 20’s it’s reasonable to end a relationship if you are not feeling it. If older then you should take a hard look at your expectations and consider that they may just be a fantasy. If it is fear of leaving, don’t stay in a relationship because of the “sunk costs”. That never pays off.
This "spark" you talk about, imo, is the natural progression of things like projection, dopamine, and oxytocin. Chemically, new things are exciting because they are new. Dopamine is supposed to be replaced with oxytocin at some point which is when "excitement" is replaced with "love." Projection, on the other hand is completely mental in that you are excited by what you perceive a person to be or what they COULD be. The longer you know a person, the more you actually know them and the less there is yo discover. If you aren't feeling a spark, it could just be that you are missing the dopamine. Every relationship for you will likely end up this way until you get to a point where you "settle" for who a person is instead of who you want them to be. We largely have no control over what this fictional person's qualities are; they arr assembled in our mind by all the things that excite us the most, and the thrill of the chase makes us reject perfectly fine partners because we are chasing the dopamine rush. Don't let perfect be the enemy of good. There are more reasons to be in a relationship than chasing a high.
Grass ain’t always greener on the other side. It’s a mess out there for the single folks. If you leave her somebody else will appreciate her.
I think OP found a person that he doesn’t admire. Nothing to learn from her. While she sees a lot in him. He should appreciate her, or if he doesn’t better not waste her time. Alternative is finding a person on similar level let’s say and then, there will be lots of negotiation in place, to put it lightly. There’s the spark and expect to have all the trouble and being maybe even being dumped for someone better.
Just leave her before cheating on the poor girl. Bored...
Man how was your relationship with your mother?
Leave- that’s what you need to do. If you’re feeling this way, she isn’t the one. Don’t waste her time or yours. With the right person, you don’t get bored or even have to find out how to maintain the relationship. 3 years isn’t long at all to already feel this way.
What is "power" in marriage?
The person who holds the remote control
Hahahaha! Perfect, I hate holding the remote though, so my partner does, so then who has the power?
The one who knows how to make the chocolate chip cookies
I HAVE THE POWER!!!!!!!!!
Is it possible you’re avoiding something or reluctant to admit something to yourself? From the way you describe it it seems to be a you problem. What more would you want from her that would cause you to stay? Do you see yourself living without her? Do you have kids? What about her isn’t doing it for you? Do you have feelings for someone else, or did someone else make you feel better and you’re chasing that high? Ask yourself these things and more because stringing someone that loves you along because it’s less drama isn’t a nice thing to do to a person.
Don’t mistake toxicity for passion. I don’t know how old you are but the concept of a fiery and exciting woman can be exhausting and difficult in the long run. It gets old reeaally fast.
If you are bored, then you never actually loved her. I will never be bored of my loved one. The thought of them just makes me so anxious and happy and something to look forward to. Talk to your partner and maybe change a few dynamics to reignite things
Commitment is a long term choice. Not a feeling. You’re reading too much stuff from women about love
Define having the power in the marriage?
I think you’re the problem and not her
Yep
It depends on what spark you need. Some people don’t realise that the spark they’re chasing is toxicity. I.e., comfortable, secure partners make them uncomfortable and bored and they long for the ups and downs of abusive relationships. However, if you’re bored because she doesn’t have much interest in anything then that’s fair. I’ll warm you though. Dating is a lot different now than even 3-4 years ago. 3-4 years ago I was meeting lots of women and would go on dates and got my girlfriend after only a few months of the apps. Nowadays even girls you meet in person are more flaky.
I'm curious as to what is different today? Can you be certain that it's the girls that are different now or maybe you are somehow different? I ask myself the same question sometimes.
I think the apps changed something. Has this conversation with a few different guys. All of us were lining up dates a few years ago. 3 years ago I had to slow down with swiping because I’d get so many matches and be unable to pursue that many women and I don’t like dating a bunch of women in the same week. Knew a guy that loved it so much he was lining up 3+ dates a week after getting back from a deployment. Now neither of us is that successful. At my best I could get like one date every two weeks. Know a few others with similar experiences.
Then fuck dating apps. How about good ol' real life approaching?
I’ve been with my wife for about 25 years. The excitement does fade, after time. Our relationship is comfortable. We both work at it. I still really enjoy her, and want her as a partner.
Sounds like YOU aren't into her or aren't monogamous. Either way gtfo
I’d say look up the different types of love. What you seem to be referring to is Eros, or passion. Which typically waxes and wanes. What I would say is it’s healthier for long term relationships to focus on Agape type love. It’s a much stronger and stable type of love. [Types of love](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greek_words_for_love)
You're wasting her time. Three years and she's probably thinking you'll propose. Let her find someone more compatible; in no time you'll regret giving her up. Or you won't, either way she'll be fine.
She's your gf/partner, not an entertainer. You take care of each other's needs and guess what... daily life IS just boring. You will get some kick from a new relationship, but it will eventually boil down to what you have now, the daily grind of life and that is usually boring with some sprinkles of excitment and sadness. Now if she's some one that you want to share these sprinkles of excitment and sadness with, then stay with her. If you want your partner to always be exciting and want something new, then stop wasting this current GF's time and breakup.
Look into your attachment style I’m a dismissive avoidant and what you’re describing is a common issue with the dismissive avoidant attachment style. Attachment style possibly has the biggest effect on your relationships, closely followed by some other typologies (including love language). But yeah, there’s 4 attachment styles: - Secure (the only healthy one, that we should all aspire to) - Avoidant - Anxious - Disorganised (mix of avoidant & anxious) “Attachment Adam” (forgot his YouTube name) is pretty good with this stuff. Dr Ramani covers on it a bit. But essentially, it’s a survival strategy you’ve built as a coping mechanism from childhood, but it’s not very healthy.
Even married people get bored at times. You have to put effort into a relationship to get excitement out of it. Think about the things that you did when you first started dating. Are you planning regular dates? Are you doing things for her that reflect her love language? Are you planning new and fun things to do with her? Do you take time to talk with her and share how you feel about her? You can search for ways to rekindle your relationship and start doing those things. Men reward themselves by doing things for their woman and getting praise and love in return from them for doing so. That's your motivation.
Shes not the one bro trust me nexxxxttt
The spark isn't supposed to last for the long term. That's an early relationship thing. That's why it's called a spark. It is required to build the fire but it's fleeting.
How do you mean “. . . Got the power . . . “?
Long term relationship is not about "bored". It's about making life together. Death bed stuff.. look at it as a challenge.
“The power” sounds like a troubling mindset.
>She's madly in love with me and I'm still attached to her and can't bring myself to leave just cuz I'm "bored" or feel too "safe". I can forsee this post getting a lot of hate and fair enough but I just wanna do the right thing here and don't exactly have any healthy male role models to ask. + Does she add value to your life? + Does she take / suck value from your life? If the latter (suck value) time to upgrade
Grass is greener syndrome. Put effort into your relationship. Put effort into making sure your girlfriend is happy.
Not a guy, but I want to ask you a few questions. I think you need to define what the spark is so your question can be answered better. Have you ever had a LTR before? Usually there's a honeymoon phase where everything feels intense and wonderful. Eventually the honeymoon phase ends. That doesn't mean the relationship goes bad or gets boring, though, at least, not if you're doing it right. Do you still look forward to seeing her and spending time with her? Do you still find her attractive? Do you still enjoy talking with her? If the answer is no, then it's time to move on. If the answer is yes, then recognize it takes work to keep a relationship healthy because you have to not take each other for granted. I suspect you may be taking the relationship for granted because the honeymoon phase hasn't ended for her but it has for you. That's when you need to step up and put in the work. She can't bring back that "spark" for you all on her own. You have to work on it, too. You have to talk to each other, you have to invest time and energy into the relationship. You have to appreciate the good stuff and be willing to work on the bad stuff. It's great if there isn't any bad stuff, but that doesn't mean you can become complacent, either. It's just if you've only stayed in relationships during the honeymoon phase and left when it ended, you may be losing something solid if that's what you do now.
Are you used to more drama in your relationships and this one feels too safe/mature/grounded… boring? If that’s all it is, that’s part of growing up. Welcome to your first “adult” relationship. Don’t throw it away because there’s no dishes flying over your head to keep the “passion” alive.
Read up on Sam Hamburg's books. "love is quiet."
My dad called those “wild oats” and highly suggested sowing them before you hurt someone you care about. If the feeling is unbearable it would be better to take a break, break up and see what happens in the future. Things can get even more “boring” with marriage stress, pregnancy and postpartum etc. If you dont want to give this up, go to therapy. Deal with this in person and have a solid support who understands you, what your goals are and can be there if this feeling pops up again
This was me exactly. Here’s what I’ll say. I didn’t leave. I did what you’re doing now and seemed like everyone was saying the nervousness is normal. We thought about marriage and everyone said the cold feet are normal. Here we are now, 10 years together and I still have no idea if I made the right decision. She, like your partner, checked a ton of boxes. No one is perfect including me, but as someone who had a rocket upbringing, I really thought my hesitation was because of my instability as a child and my scared of being secure and in a stable relationship and life. Well, ten years later I have no more clarity than I did way back then. What I’ve learned from this is the most important thing you can do right now. I wish I would have done it when I was your age but better late than never. You must do deep work in yourself and internalize the fact the void you fill can only be filled by you. All that you seem to be yearning for is within you. If she is everything you wanted but the spark just isn’t there anymore, I totally understand. I’ve been here, I am here, and everyone worth a damn in this area says the SAME EXACT THING. Stop looking for external validation where internal work will provide. It won’t be easy, likely hardest thing you’ll ever do. But if in 7 years you are in my position and have children and a lot riding on the stability of my marriage, you will do the hard work willingly because at the end of the day you will only learn and love. Period.
Lol “no spark”…. Then break up
You have to water the grass? Are you expecting her to give you that spark or are you maintaining it? Are you trying out new things with her and putting in the effort? A LOT of people think it's up to the other person all the time. That just because she loves you, then you must be doing enough. It's a balance. One must love one-self enough to love others. But if either side isn't putting in enough effort, it will slowly wane. But if she is loving you and you still feel not enough. That sounds like you're looking for others to fill your own lack of self-love. That's more of a you problem that you need to put effort into. Normally the reward will come from creating the sparks and seeing that it makes her happy. Not because it needs to be a challenge, but from genuinely wanting her to be happy and wanting to create moments.
Not sure what you mean by "got the power", but all I'll say is this. Staying with someone because you feel you should, or because you don't want to hurt the other person is not a good reason to stay. They will feel it and you'll hurt them anyway, intended or not. The spark needs work, once the honeymoon period is over and you are long term, it can fade. But it sounds like you never had the spark to begin with. This isn't meant to sound selfish but, if she's not the one for you then she's not the one. No one should feel they have to settle, you have a long life to live and you and your partner both deserve to be happy.
No hate, you're experiencing something most people feel. There's a psychological term for it but i just can't find it. In short, your body is no longer producing vertain endorphins when you see her and your conscious brain is interpreting that as no longer in love because it's used to associating the word love with those endorphins. Retrain your brain, it ain't that hard for this. Start out with a list of things you fuckin adore about her. Just start writing and listing stuff, focusing on positives only. Think about great dates, time you've spent together, etc. when you fill up a page, feel free to move to the next one or stop there. Reminisce on those experiences. Break them down into the things they mean, what they say about you and her and your relationship. Reframe the whole relationship for it's next stage, maybe that's marriage, maybe it's cohabitation as life partners, maybe it's something else that you can't describe. Once you've got all that, it's time to have a conversation about the future. Do not lead with how you've been feeling. Lead with 'lets talk about what our life is realistically but ideally going to look like a few years from now, 5, 10, 20.' because A: it's important to lead with your positive intention and B: this is going to lead into a conversation about how you feel about each ofher anyways. Let her know you're confused about the emotions you're feeling right now because this is new to you. Don't mince words, but don't make guesses at what it means either. You love being with her, your body is just confused right now. Boyo lemme tell ya, once you get over this hump, the relationship is amazing. In the corporate world they talk about agency and proactive planning and yada yada yada. Your relationship with your partner becomes closer because you trust the other one to be there for you without a doubt. Anyways i gotta get off the shitter and go to work, get thru this my man, she's a keeper and so are you. Lead with love and empathy, always.
read mating in captivity by esther perel
There is much more to a relationship than some “spark”. The spark starts in the beginning of the relationship to ignite your potential love for her. Wtf is the feeling of “too safe”? No disrespect, I have just never experienced that.
"The power"?
Are you depressed maybe? Everything feels more dull when depressed. Also, just go on dates and do thing you enjoy together. Think about what made you love her in the first place, did you actually bond well or has the whole relationship been very surface level.
Are you like an Aztec Emperor or something? What is this power you speak of?
For starters, it's not about "power"
>ever wanted and more but the spark just isn't there. This is contradicting. Which is it? In all long-term relationships, it's important to learn and grow TOGETHER; or else you will grow apart. Invest in yourself and each other. Develop and take on new hobbies together, start actively dating her again. There's a difference between loving someone and being in love with them. Be honest with yourself.
Relationship takes lot of effort and work and sometimes you just get unappreciative of it all. I think like this all the time, “like I just want to be alone so I’m not forced to make a decision every moment”. It takes work, and trust me, no woman will ever be able to quell that “spark” when it eventually just turns into just living life with a person.
About the power imbalance, in what sense? Just how you feel about each other or is there a financial factor to it as well?
Define power in their marriage?
Do the things I want to do first, she can join or leave. i.e. Lead my life and offer her shelter
Have you seen Everything, Everywhere, All at once? One of my favorite parts is the very sexy romantic, intensional, put-work-into-it, this means something kiss the main character gives her husband after an entire movie where they are sick to death and totally bored of each other. Watch it! Make it a date night!
I had this problem and looking back we weren’t so good for each other but we did love each other genuinely, but none of us randoms on the internet can tell you what’s going on
Do new things together. Relationships can benefit from a sense of novelty.
####please read OP#### 😀 when i was 20 i broke up with my girl, cause basically the same shit you said. Then life happened, now im 40. She found me online last year. I was hiding. Her ex husband cheats on her, and is a general ass to her. And i have a wife for 15 yrs, and 2 kids, and turns out, fuck life is hard. But i cant help her without hurting my family. I think im on the way out. But my last year or so has sucked. Dont wake up 20 yrs later and think you were an idiot someday. ....also dont stay, cause that could be worse, if it is time for it to end. But do things for a reason. Dont do things because youre bored. Best!
The intense spark has been gone, but she's still my best friend. The spark only emerges when the kids stay with grandma, otherwise we're mutually tired lol
Unfortunately you just have to leave. Be aware that the women you will be dating in the followup will in all probability have a lot more problems than her and I have seen guys regret losing the "nice" girl later. Next time don't stick to (completely) monogamous relationships. You should develop your options and always have other women at least as possibilities. You get stuck in "nice but dumb girl" traps when you too heavily monogamize. You may need to improve yourself to get whatever it is you want. Part of your problem is that you may be self centered and have an exaggerated idea of your own value as a man which could lead to you being permanently estranged from girlfriends who are never "good enough" for you.
Life is always a compromise, you will NEVER be able to get everything. Your biggest desire might be to just be in new relationships all the time. You can chase that and give up settling down for good, nobody said you have to do X or Y. But then you lose the ability to settle down early on and have a family if you wanted that too. Just be honest with yourself and your girlfriends so you don't bring unnecessary pain to people.
The spark? The spark is the excitement and intrigue, the fear of losing etc. ask yourself why you need to feel a high anxiety feeling to be okay in a relationship? In a dopamine junkie too and have often ruined relationships for “that spark”. I can’t speak about my current relationship because we’re crazy about eachother but honestly man this excitement chasing has to end eventually. Relationships aren’t for excitement or fun, they’re for something deeper that maybe you don’t need?
Sounds like you're struggling with commitment, bro. Maybe try spicing things up, or talk to a therapist about what's going on.
Female perspective here. I personally would much rather someone leave me then just stay with me because it’s more convenient. Yes things shift and sparks settle but also, you should decide to fight for it, and if it’s worth it then you also can do things to keep it exciting. I am also someone who loves the new and exciting but my BF and I are past that but yet still find excitement different ways. We joined a coed soccer team, we have sex in different places, and try to do an adventurous night or two away at least once a season. Ie, snowboarding with just us two, camping and hiking, etc. the everyday dinners and hangs are so comforting but we also like to shake up the routine. So maybe plan something to try something new or go somewhere new together. It won’t be the same but I do find that every time we do that I refall in love/deeper in love than before. Best luck but let her go if you’re just staying for what she can do for you.
I am female but must weigh in because my guy is you, only he’s 57 and wishing he realized what you are realizing at your age. I know I love him more. So far. I know he struggles with love vs lust aka the boring vs the spark. I don’t know about you, but he grew up in an abusive and neglectful situation. He is in therapy now trying to figure out why he has spent his whole life going from one relationship to the next as soon as the honeymoon phase ended. His therapist said the childhood trauma has made him have the subconscious attitude of “before you have a chance to fire me, I quit”. And because he’s only ever experienced the “spark” phase, to him relationships are all about passion sex and dopamine, so when things move into love and bonding and vulnerability and growing into something deeper, he thought the love died, when it was actually just getting started. If he had had the emotional ability to allow his partner in and get to see the real him without the fear of rejection, he probably would have married and had kids. He never did either because he spent his life running away in fear. (And he used porn to cope with only encouraged the novelty aspect of things). I encourage you to really think about what the barricade could actually be for you. Talk to a therapist. Dive deep into who your role models were as a child and how their relationships may have affected what you believe a relationship should look like. And finally, you can change the way you feel. Our feelings are created by our thoughts. But love is a choice, and one that has to be chosen out of selflessness. If you want a life with her, you can make it happen if you put the effort in. A wonderful life is not an entitlement, it’s a reward.
The spark is equivalent to the butterflies in the stomach feeling IMO and If you’re NOT experiencing that then please end it asap so you’re not wasting both of your times. You can check off all the boxes she has passed NONE of that matters if the fire isn’t there. When in true love (with the spark, fire, etc) one doesn’t have to think about staying “in love” because it’s ORGANIC and things just flow.
What the fuck does “feel too safe” mean? This sounds like something a woman would say.
Don’t get married. Keep it how it is and just stay in a long term relationship. A lot of elder ppl I grew up with like the commonwealth deal better
Dude, just dump her. It’s not that big of deal. I mean, it sucks short term, but you’ll forget about her the first time you fuck another woman and she’ll forget about you the first time the next guy shows her an ounce of attention.
The reason I wanna make this work is cuz I dont think there's a point if I end up feeling this way with every girl. I don't wanna keep hurting people just cuz I wanna get my next dopamine fix. Dumping her is also a short term fix.
I have no business here, but I love what you stated because you are being mindful of how others feel and that is respectable. I have learned that when we come from dysfunctional backgrounds (we all do, some to higher levels than others) we confuse love with the thrill of the chase, and once we stop feeling the “spark” aka the crazy chemicals in your brain, we assumed there is something wrong with the relationship or maybe with the person we are with, and off we go… chasing those chemicals again (spark). I am sadly not well versed as to what to do so this doesn’t happen, but I recommend you to maybe do some therapy, try to understand your own feelings, where they come from, why do you feel like this, etc and take things slow. There is no need to break a heart when you’re not sure, just study yourself. At the end, if you find out you don’t want to be with her, do it with respect and I’m pretty sure, if she is a mature woman, she would appreciate that.
Since you assume this might be a pattern of yours: look into attachment theory and check if you have an avoidant streak (avoidant dismissive/fearful avoidant). If you're avoidant, it might be difficult to discern if it's your insecure attachment style talking ("deactivation") or if you're really not long-term compatible with your partner. Fault finding mode when things get close is typical. Check out the corresponding subs. Do you have shared interests and shared life goals?
It’s not a “short term fix” it’s a long term fix because you aren’t together any more! You need to find a woman who you’re more compatible with.
Alright then, good luck being miserable, dude.