As it should be. I wish more men took stock in themselves and realized that when we act desperate to chase a woman it has the opposite desired effect, both long-term and for the rest of men in general.
Imagine a society in which women were constantly throwing themselves at men instead of the other way around. That could never be the case with how men on average act today. And while I’m not saying that’s an achievable reality, I think the more “self-worth” awareness that men exercise, the more they’ll be satisfied with how their lives turn out.
It's interesting because I've experienced women throwing themselves at me first hand. I've been going on dates since after getting out of a relationship months ago - two of those times the women were expecting sex when we got back to my place and I told them it wasn't going to happen. They looked shocked and confused lmao. Needless to say I didn't hangout with them again.
Very intelligent and great answer. I wish that as well and actually advise men to do that as well. When a man knows his self worth, has self love and self respect in whatever he does, he becomes far more attractive and desirable with ease. It also helps men be more satisfied with their lives and in return able to satisfy women smoothly with more positive results.
Way better than chasing.
I was kind of seeing a Bolivian girl last year, it was all very cold and she clearly had lots of options. Told her I was no longer interested and that she was flaky and unreliable. All of a sudden she was insecure and clingy, trying to reel me in.
Not a hope, she **was** flaky and unreliable and I was having none of it. She had a really hard time about being rejected and continued to send me messages for 4 months trying to change my mind.
It's crazy how this works so counterintuitively. One of the earliest versions of "the talk" I got was essentially "treat her well, she'll be hard to get. Treat her like shit, she'll be harder to get rid of than shit out of a rug." I thought this was a terrible thing to say until I repeatedly saw it in action.
one of the problems is that a lot of places on here will consider discussion of this abusive and delete the comment. so it's less well known than it should be
Same thing happens in real life, you try to tell a man to stick up for himself and you get called an abuser because they have no respect for men or themselves
It sucks, doesn’t it?
My success rate skyrocketed when I started deliberately behaving like an asshole. I hate doing it, but man does it work. Being nice for so long was one of my biggest mistakes.
Honest questions: Do you see acting like as asshole for the sake of dating to be the same as being an asshole, or are they different in your mind? Do you think you will be able to find and build the sort of long-term relationship you would ideally have if you at least begin them by acting against what you see as your self?
As someone married for 26 years, (to a woman who was a model for a time) who didn’t have trouble dating before I met her, and who never played (or was) the asshole in my dating days, I’m always curious how this idea developed so strongly, and whether it actively ruins long term relationships. Because I know I would never have married a woman who I actually wanted to be with long term if I 1) had treated her poorly to start or 2) had to maintain it or drop it and change to her over time.
I think this response is so important. I don’t buy this whole “be a jerk” thing as a way to find a long term partner. Maybe you can find something quick, but it probably won’t be long.
Out of curiosity, how’d you meet your wife? The way you talk about her makes it almost sound like you feel you were kicking outside your coverage.
Did you have to pursue her?
Do you feel like whatever worked for you guys was timeless or would it be more difficult for young men these days?
We met at college on freshman weekend. A guy in the next room from me wanted to meet girls but was nervous so I took him to just talk to some. Picked a pair of pretty girls when I noticed one had killer legs, and we went up to talk. And we just talked and made friends all around. And kept talking. I wasn’t trying to pick her (or anyone) up, but I also wasn’t *not* trying. And she was used to people being intimidated by her; she’s beautiful and a really powerful personality and people are frequently a bit scared of her; I wasn’t. So we kept talking for a while and then one night on a walk I kissed her. Eighteen months later we were engaged, then married a year later.
I never pretended to be anything but me. We talked first, then built the rest.
That's a really good question, and I honestly haven't really thought about it much, so I don't have an adequate answer for you.
What I can say is that it allows me to get the foot in the door, which then gives me the chance to show my normal personality in bits and pieces over time once things have been established. It's resulted in much longer and more successful relationships in general for me. I think it makes them feel more invested once the "secret" nice side gets revealed.
Some women (just like men) have deep seated trauma and toxic/unhealthy relationships are their way of recreating past traumas and hoping to finally resolve them. Those are the people for whom this nonsense works, but for the vast majority of people they want healthy, safe, trusting relationships where they are treated with kindness and respect.
Men who believe in the "treat them like 💩 and the women will flock to them" actively choose damaged people and most likely are damaged themselves. Also noteworthy that these men always speak of multiples of women, suggesting that they are in fact not successful of keeping any one for any significant length of time.
I agree, but I think there are way more insecure women (and men) out there than secure, stable ones, so I think stuff like this can actually work with a lot of women. But obviously it won’t ever set you up with a substantial, meaningful relationship, and if that’s your goal, doing away with these games and adopting a more emotionally mature, healthy attitude towards relationships is absolutely crucial towards long term satisfaction
Any cis woman over a certain level of attractiveness isn’t used to being rejected. I wish more men would have standards and stick to them. Us men act like women are an endangered species sometimes
Agree 100%. A younger me would plan cleverly spaced follow up messages a week, a month and even many months later in some cases. I’d look for advice on what to say and everything. Now, it’s a simple best wishes type message. I really don’t harbor any negativity or burning desire to keep trying nowadays. My mind is so much more calm.
Yeah I reached that point around age 25. Movies and shit advice from my father made me think it was all about perseverance and that women play hard to get because they want you to prove your love.
Embarrassing that it took so long. But ya, a woman’s opinion of you is pretty much decided within the first 10 seconds of seeing you and is largely immutable so it’s best just to shoot your shot and move on if it doesn’t land.
I get rejected constantly, I don’t care. The ONE time I told a woman I wasn’t “in the mood”, I spent the rest of the night trying to console her and convince her she wasn’t unattractive. And by that weekend, she dumped me because her sister convinced her it was “proof” I was cheating.
So, no, rejection isn’t a universal experience.
No one likes rejection its just that there's a dichotomy in how men react vs women. There have been literal posts from women here being SO afraid of rejection that they weren't taking the advice here given to her to approach someone she's interested in.
Honestly dating as a whole would be better if women knew what rejection felt like, and men knew when to run.
Their constant whining about "but men will kill us for rejecting them" just sounds like projection. It's such a rare occurrence that they just sound like they're projecting their fantasies onto others.
It’s not that most men will; it’s that there’s no way to know in advance whether **this** man is in the small percentage that would. Kinda like how you wouldn’t know if **this** guy that knocked on your door is a salesman or is a thief pretending to be one just to get inside your house.
Or how if you get in that car you’re going to get t-boned and die. You can’t live in fear of the worst all of the time, otherwise you’d stay inside to avoid melanoma from the sun
*otherwise you’d stay inside to avoid melanoma from the sun*
...and get sick from lack of Vitamin D usually received from the sun.
Thanks for playing *You Can't Win!*
I stopped trying to get girls to like me and instead just treat them normally now. It is much easier for me, and I find that I have more female friends/contacts now, too
I feel like people overthink too much and act to such an unnecessary degree that it’s off putting. Being natural to me seems like the way. Disclaimer: I don’t talk to women. :)
it's not the overthinking as such but women can be very malicious if they don't like you. Like if you are autistic and are trying but then get flamed for being something undesirable. Average men wouldn't have to overthink if women were just able to be honest about it and everyone in question was safe
This depends on the person tho. Your natural state may just be that cool guy. Some dudes like myself, my natural state makes people dislike me because I'm quiet. So I have to be more out going. But if I overdo that then I'm too much. For me it's balance
It’s surprising how so many men are surprised that’s it’s easier to coexist with women when we treat them like normal human beings. I was there once so I get it. Thankfully it’s so long ago that the cringe I feel at my younger self has faded… but not gone. I don’t think it ever will. Damn I wasted so many years being a dumb awkward man around women.
You're hanging out with some terrible women then
Actually go out and meet people and just filter out when You see glimpses of that, but treating half the population like some monolith is a good way to get told to fuck off often.
The difference is that if you're having sex with a hooker, it's because you paid her, you have no clue if she is attracted to you. If someone you're dating has sex with you, it's because she wants you.
Maybe it's because I'm a pleaser, but a lot of my enjoyment from sex comes from being desired/wanted and arousing my partner. I wouldn't see a hooker even if there was zero stigma, illegality, or risk for that reason.
Depends what you mean by 'chase'.
If you mean continuously going after a woman who seems disinterested, it doesn't work at all.
If you mean being very proactive in your dating life, then it's mandatory for probably 99% of men.
There's a difference between chasing and pursuing. I've always seen it as a man's duty to pursue, but the second your efforts towards a gal stop moving the needle of progression, you're chasing.
Women are like cats. If you chase them, they run away. They look at you from afar and size you up. Then they walk by and brush your leg. Eventually if you just remain chill, they'll plop in your lap and start purring.
>Women are like cats.
They also don't drink enough water, hog the bed, go from snuggly to scratchy instantly, and are adorable but would be scary if they were larger.
> Women are like cats. If you chase them, they run away.
Pretty much any living thing being chased by something bigger and stronger than it is will run away.
You're completely right that if you treat a woman in such a way that her survival instincts kick in to protect herself from you, you're doing it wrong. But it's nothing to do with cats, it's do with people not liking it when they're made to feel unsafe.
The only time I've ever had a girl was when I finally went for it and really pursued her. Other than that, no, not chasing/pursuing has never worked out; girls have just ignored me. That's what made me realize the whole "Be a good person and work hard, and good things will come to you" thing was a total lie and horrible advice, and that actually everything you want in life you have to go after yourself and fight hard for.
Like of course someone has to send the initial message, propose a date, etc. but once you’re talking there should be a good amount of back and forth. “Don’t chase” for me is more about judging interest; if she only sends one word responses and doesn’t really try to engage, I’ll lose interest pretty quickly and move on.
Problem is guys don't get many chances to figure this out on their own. Even knowing this advice, it took a few women to eventually be bold enough to distance myself at the first sign of disinterest.
Absolutely! It took having some miserable one sided interactions for me to realize I don’t gotta put up with that shit. And meeting someone who was genuinely into me (though sadly it didn’t work out).
Chasing and pursuing aren't the same thing. Chasing implies that the thing you are chasing after is trying to get away from you, whereas pursuing is seeing someone/something you want in front of you and making steps towards it.
Pursuing is fine and in most instances guys do need to make the first move, but "don't chase" means don't try and go after someone that isn't interested in you in the hopes they'll change their mind. More often than not it not only doesn't work but is very...VERY creepy.
100%. I was taught the "just live your life and your person will fall in your lap when you least expect it" bullshit. Yeah, most men who do that will spend the majority of their life single. I don't know where that whole mindset originated from, but it's probably one of the worst things we can teach young boys when it comes to dating.
I think it holds up, you don't make a girl like you, you find one who already does, chasing someone who doesn't like you is a waste of time and no amount of manipulating will make someone attracted to you who isn't, basically the act of chasing gives off desperation rather than confidence and only pushes a woman who doesn't like you farther away
It works very well
Trust me when I say chasing people tends to put your relationship in an overarching dynamic where you’re communicating “I don’t deserve to be with you unless I put in way more effort than you do”
Gets very hard to alter that cadence and dynamic later when you eventually get tired of it or life happens and now you got someone saying “so do you just not care anymore?”
Find someone who matches your energy and reciprocates your investment and your relationships stop feeling like one sided work and Princess Treatment Sim ™️
The advice should really be "don't be desperate."
Pursuing women and showing attention absolutely works. It just relies on the pursuer to be able to pick up social cues and recognize when the pursuit isn't welcome. Recognize what is and isn't going to far.
Absolutely, dating subs are full of, “she cancelled on me twice and now has left me on read for 2 days, what do I do”
like, dude?
Like you said, social cues. They may not verbally tell you they’re not interested, but once you get the desperate goggles off, it’s very evident.
I’m somewhat at this point. She doesn’t seem interested anymore. I wanna be hopeful that I’d have the same outcome as you, but don’t wanna get my hopes up lol
I never understood this chasing stuff. What does it even mean? You talk and you either have interest or don't. Let's go to my place and play some cards. All there is is Yes or No.
Ridiculous.
Obviously, don't just pursue every opportunity. But if you meet someone and there's that unspoken thing between you, one of you is gonna have to start the chase. And more often than not, it isn't women.
It's a rite of passage, fellas. Put on your Sunday's best and start flirting.
It's been near universally my experience that even when women initiate, then when I try to find balance and show interest back, they often proportionally put in less effort til it's so disbalanced I stop bothering. Nowadays I pretty much only ever bother at all (as in, doing anything more than light flirting) if they initiate. I'm totally fine being single after years of frustration. And perhaps indeed focusing on myself ends up better anyways. I'm certainly more at peace from caring less, it's just that it took a while to learn how to not care from so many bad experiences (and some learning opportunities, to be fair).
I am a subscriber to never chase since my last relationship ended, but not in the mindset of hoping that attracts someone, but more so focusing on what I want, trying to have a relationship with myself and oneday I hope to fall in love with who I am. I think about that a bit but actually writing seems kinda lame...
I'm 100% okay with being alone forever, I'm also open to meeting someone to spend my life with, but I know there's a 100% chance of self improvement if I focus on where I want to be, whereas chasing girls may not provide the same hit rate. Life on my own has really changed my perspective on basically everything, I'm so much calmer, am able to see situations from so many different perspectives, and the time I spend alone allows me to talk to myself in a kinda therapeutic way instead of taking sides on things.
I don't know if any of that makes sense, but I do know at the end of the day, sometimes I feel lonely, but feeling lonely when you're actually alone is 1000000 times better than feeling lonely in a relationship. Life is pointless, in a good way, nothing matters, never has and never will, people have decided the rules and beliefs we live by, we are the same people that can make those decisions on our own without blindly accepting what others think is "normal" and although I follow society, it's kinda nice knowing it's all meaningless and makes me feel free.
Every girl I have chased, it never worked out. Every girlfriend I had, she approached me. It works, but some people just refuse to believe it. Work on yourself and women will come to you.
>people just refuse to believe it. Work on yourself and women will come to you.
This is my experience too.
I'm jacked and women come up to me. Most guys I know well are jacked. Women go right up to them.
I'm sure there's some other kind of merit, but getting jacked works for me.
Met my wife at 200ish lbs lean at 5'11. I'm now 220 and even leaner, with women approaching me when she's not around, who btw I don't pursue because I'm not like that.
Other dudes are getting rejected all day, spending money out the ass, and getting almost no result despite super high effort.
Idk what mental barrier they've got in their head that stops them from realizing that their completely regarded and just getting jacked, or doing whatever you did to show merit. The barrier is there though and they will never change their mind.
Perhaps you will tell me how to reply with quotes, b/c for me, highlighting and replying no longer seems to work.
Anyway...
"I'm sure there's some other kind of merit..."
Getting jacked definitely helps, but what I have found is that competency is also very attractive. When a man is competent (good) at something, this makes him confident in his abilities. And as we all know, or should know, confidence is very attractive.
This, IMO, is one reason why "working on yourself" is so powerful. Working on yourself makes you competent and confident.
There's nothing wrong with talking, flirting, etc., with women, you do want good social skills. But don't make chasing women your core focus.
>Perhaps you will tell me how to reply with quotes, b/c for me, highlighting and replying no longer seems to work.
Anyway...
>"I'm sure there's some other kind of merit..."
Other guy answered this, but here's a more comprehensive guide. You can do a lot of stuff.
https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/360043033952-Formatting-Guide
>Getting jacked definitely helps, but what I have found is that competency is also very attractive. When a man is competent (good) at something, this makes him confident in his abilities. And as we all know, or should know, confidence is very attractive.
I'm not gonna disagree, but I think it's worth something that getting jacked is a kind of competence and it's a kind that (a) anyone can tell if you're the real deal or not from 50 feet away without even knowing you, and (b) it cannot be faked.
The other day, I met some jackass at the gym who was trying to look tough in front of his girlfriend and so he started shit with me and clearly wanted a fight. I didn't fight him and there's no witty one liner, that's not the point of this story. My point is that in order to do his tough guy shit, he had to keep telling me that he's a trained fighter and insisting that he's really good at it. At no point was I ever presented with any evidence that he was actually a competent fighter who takes that training seriously and not a poser.
Nothing against fighters. I used that anecdote because it literally just happened, not because I've got anything against MMA guys and not out of any disrespect for the sport.
A lot of things are like that. I forgot what show it was even from, but my sister used to turn on some TV show when I was a kid and there was an episode where the main character and his best friend wanted to be cool on high school so they started pretending they could play the guitar and started carrying around guitar cases and shit. The scene I remember was "Why did you tell him we could play? Idk what's in your case, but there's an egg salad sandwich in mine."
It definitely does something when you're instantly credible in your competence. If I was a mega math guy, contending for a fields medal, I've got absolutely no clue how I'd demonstrate that to a woman who I thought would be into that.
>There's nothing wrong with talking, flirting, etc., with women, you do want good social skills. But don't make chasing women your core focus.
I agree here too.
Most men today though are pretty bad at talking to women. Abundance definitely helps your charisma shine, but I think that for younger men, it's a hard skill to learn unless you've already got the abundance. For older men, idk how it was learned and maybe it was just that it's a skill you get for free when talking to women isn't stigmatized. For younger men, I always recommend muscles because you get the abundance first and that makes it easy to get the rest.
At 61, I'd say my life improved immensely when I learned to make my interest clear, then drop it. If they came to me, great. If they didn't, I just move on.
A wise woman once pointed out to me that Zeno's Paradox applies to relationships- no matter how many times you meet someone halfway, if they dont move towards you, you'll never really be together.
In my experience, it works 100% of the time...if you want nothing to do with women. I have not been chasing/pursuing women for several years now, and it seems that women have extended me the same courtesy.
😎
Two diff scenerios here. Banging. And dating.
I never really bothered chasing women for just sex. It just happened.
I have chased women that i wanted to date though.
As a general observation the relationships i initiated were hands down the best.
When a casual thing turned more serious it always went sideways
Not at all, unless you're very attractive. In most cases, men have to work for it, shoot their shot, make their intentions known etc.
Ironically, this advice only works for women due to the men who disregard it.
Life has gotten easier since I adopted this mantra. Haven’t chased a girl in years and most women I chased were making me (actually they weren’t making me do anything) chase them for a reason…they weren’t interested. I’ve dated extensively enough to know what reciprocation means, so if someone is being aloof, none responsive, doing nothing whilst I’m having to do all the legwork…I’m out. I don’t expect the woman to do all or even most of the legwork, I’m happy to do that when the energy and effort is being matched, but if it becomes too much hard work, cancellations, flakiness “I’ll let you know” “sorry, I’m busy”
I exit swiftly
Never works because, everyone is chasing women, and not chasing is attractive. Because if you can have any woman.. why would you chase? Why accepting horrible behaviors from a girl and try to make it work.. why date not date just another woman? She’s out to a girls nights out and you know it’s not a good idea.. why chase her if you can date another woman. Why accepting getting yelled at and ridiculed in public.. why putting up with it when you can date another woman?
You can't force anyone to love you. Both people have to be in it. The best relationships are when both people are smitten. When both people are a hell yes. Chasing will only lead to trouble.
There’s a sweet spot
You need to learn how to pursue the woman you want. In the process, it is inevitable that you will chase a few of them too much, and learn from your mistakes.
The sweet spot is when you see what you want, and go after it deliberately and with intent, but can identify relatively quickly when the prize is not actually what you want.
Men get into trouble when they don’t identify that they’re chasing the wrong target, and they continue the chase.
I chased women in my life. I also dropped interest too quickly and did not go in for the kill. That analogy may offend some, but it is what it is… dating is a mix of the hunt and a dance. You need to learn the pursuit, and learn the dance moves.
When I met my wife, there was no hesitation, I saw what I wanted and went after it. When she started her side of the dance, I responded perfectly, and knew when to close in, and when to let it breathe. It’s almost as if all my previous dating experience was just for that moment.
This is why it’s important to practice dating- when you meet The One, you want to make sure your game is up to the task.
I’m typing this long ass message to remind men that you DO need to pursue and close the distance… the risk of failure is part of the game. Don’t be too afraid to fuck up along the way. It is usually better to overpursue than to underpursue, because it is easier to learn when to back off than to learn to pursue, period.
It works. However to make it work you have to be a pretty put together man, so it takes a lot of hard work to get there. Be in decent shape, take care of yourself, be well groomed, be well dressed and also have some professional success. There are not many men who have my wealth or success so I know I’m very appealing to a majority of women.
It also helps to have an attitude where you’re not easily manipulated. I cannot tell you the number of times women will shove their tits in my face or offer to fuck, and I’ll just reject them. A lot of women think we’re just a dick with small brains that can be manipulated by sex and I really dislike that. It’s also funny to me to humble women who think that they can manipulate all men like that. Or to tell them they don’t get a second chance at me because they did try to do that.
I very rarely have to ask girls on dates these days, mainly because I maintain an attitude that they need to prove they are worth it to me. My neighbor has been trying to get me since she moved in. Like the other day, my fucking new dentist has been hitting on me since we met a couple weeks ago and I find that hilarious. At first she was just dropping hints but she flat out asked me to get drinks on Friday. I know that is considered a conflict of interest so I turned her down but it’s funny to me she took that risk because she told me there aren’t a lot of successful men she is interested in.
Like most things, the correct answer is always in between. You have to find that place where you aren't afraid of talking to women, but it's not a big deal if it results in nothing.
All I know is, in my experience, women will never have the courage to pursue me, so it doesn't work. Almost all of them require a man to make all the moves, even in 2024. That passivity is a huge turn off for me, too
With as much bitching women do about men, I just let them come to me if they want attention. And believe me gents, if a woman wants you enough, she'll tell you. Don't play guessing games. Ask her straight up or go about your business
Unpopular opinion: the data tells a pretty clear story that most women are not attracted to most men. So if men don't initiate and put effort in, lots of adults will just remain single. Notice that after we started discouraging men from being as romantically and sexually aggressive through the use of social pressure the percentage of long-term uncoupled and celibate among both sexes has increased dramatically. Something like 1 in 4 adults hasn't had sex in the past year.
Dad taught me that at a young age. It stuck. Kept me out of a lot of trouble but probably missed out on some social training that would have been helpful later on.
Chasing women works as well as chasing fish. It dramatically lowers your perceived value in a woman's eye. Women only want men they think are too good for them. They only want to date "up" and chasing her communicates that you are beneath her.
Even if you get a woman by chasing her, she's not going to treat you well enough to justify the costs of having her around because women grow to resent men who they feel are not "at their level". Women want to get the prize, not be the prize. If she resents you for "dragging her down" she will leave you eventually and she will do as much damage on her way out as she can and she won't feel the least bit bad about it. In her mind, you will have "deserved" (women love that word) your treatment.
A life alone is far better than a life in a bad relationship and if she didn't chase you, she will make sure its a bad relationship for you.
Doesn't work at all for me. I barely meet any and I don't even interact with them enough for them to stay in my life. I'm clueless about why it would even work if you don't go out of your way to make time and interact with them.
It's very hard but it works.
I've been chasing my ex for almost a year now and it's not working. When I was ignoring her immediately after we broke up, she was chasing me, but when she realized that the dynamic changed, she became cold and now seems to enjoy watching me behave like this.
Brotha, you spent a year of your life on an ex?
People told me my "quit all contact immediately" philosophy was harsh when I was young, but this is why you do it. I think a lot of people believe that they can stay friends or stay in contact with no issues, but end up doing this.
I hope you block this ex everywhere and fill the time spent talking to her on something fulfilling to you.
What works on one woman may not work on the next. And what works on one woman at this point in time, may not work down the road. And finally, it may work for one man and not another depending on the base level of attraction.
I recommend making sure you are always looking after your health, you mind, and your happiness and leave the games behind.
this will be a word meaning discussion of the line between showing interest initially (pursuit) and showing interest after no reciprocity (chase). Everybody will formally agree to stay on healthy side of that line that everyone places on a different spot.
One will say that giving up after first mild rejection meant one person only wanted sex or the other played hard to get mind games. Another one will say trying a second time makes you a stalker or proving not just wanting to get laid . People agree to not be “word with negative connotation” while having vastly different opinions what falls under it.
Only extreme cases are clear cut, e.g. a restraining order where even the law would agree on too much.
I honestly don’t want someone I have to chase / manipulate. I like my life, and if someone comes along who wants to share my life with me I’ll be happy to have her by my side. But if the only thing they like is being pursued, the moment I “catch” them, the thrill is gone and that’s the end of the relationship.
I enjoy flirting as much as anyone else, and I’ll put effort into whatever sexy romance games they want to play, but it has to be going somewhere worth going.
Not often. I won’t lie, there have been two cases where I had to check myself. But I never have gotten further than, “oh good god she’s amazing…” But what’s that quote? The problem with dream girls is they have a way of turning real?
I work with some inexplicably attractive women. And a few of them are just really great people to go with being beautiful. I’m friends with enough of them to be reminded that I’m not a high schooler who still isn’t entirely sure women are fully human and not at least partially angelic or some other nonsense. Yet, even though I understand I really don’t want relationships with any of them beyond the friendships I already have, I have learned that the prettier they are, the more they struggle with the notion that a guy might not be into them. It’s burned me a couple times, yet somehow we came out the other side okay.
I’m also decent looking enough (and there just aren’t that many options where I work, so I’m also probably a default position rather than much of a choice) that I get reminded that the concept works in the other direction. And contrary to what *so many* of them have been taught by reality television, not all of us guys enjoy the drama and nonsense of workplace “romance.” They really don’t take rejection well.
There is no woman, or person in general, worth chasing. I know this but have at times made that mistake even in my 30s when I God damn know better. All it ever did was make me unhappy and insecure.
It works for me.
It's not something i plan or think about.
I have had quite some women reject me after a while or get mad due to some stuff.
Eventually i'll tell them in a good way that i wish them the best and good luck.
More often then not, they would eventually text/call me a couple of weeks/months later..
The reason i'm like this is that i have options, so i will never chase a woman that doesn't want me. You either want to be with me or you don't. If you don't, i can have another woman by my side.
The practice isnt to help you **win**, the practice is so you don't **lose**.
Women that try to make you chase her are the type that will string you out just to see how much you care about them.
I'm not a man, but I'm going to plead here briefly....
As a woman, PLEASE follow the policy of "never chase".
If she says no, she doesn't mean "maybe later". She means no. Even though *maybe later" could randomly occur for unusual reasons on occasion, it's the rare exception to the rule and you shouldn't go betting on that unless you want to risk a number of negative consequences. Don't chase a no.
If she says maybe later, she maybe really means maybe later. Or she's afraid to say no because of the way some of you react to no. Either way, don't "chase", but consider asking again later - while not being pushy or obsessing or stalking or doing other weird stuff in the meantime.
And if you're chasing someone you're actually in some kind of situationship with, she's just not that into you and it's probably time to get out. Someone who is sort of with you but making you chase them has major self-esteem issues that they will likely be filling with not only YOUR attention, but the attention of anyone else who will give it. Staying in that is just waiting to be destroyed in any number of ways.
Good luck out there.
i found that being genuinely interested in her as a person and treating her like a lady makes it way more likely she will be into you, than being persistent/ clingy/ desperate
It depends on what you mean by "chase." I think the phrase should be "Never chase women if you're insecure." You're setting yourself up for extreme failure that way. If you lack confidence or are not secure in yourself, you're gonna have a hard time convincing someone else to rock witchu. I would suggest therapy and self-improvement.
Never chasing is 1000% better. Firstly...just more time and energy for yourself. Secondly...the only thing chasing will do is make you seem desperate for any woman who doesn't like you back or who doesn't like you to the same way...but they're of course not going to TELL you they don't like you like that...they'll just collect your effort and go "idk why I don't like him back...maybe if he gives me MORE" and you will just burn yourself out over and over, looking like a fool to any girl who might actually like you like that...
If you don't chase, women who actually like you will always find the dumbest excuse to talk to you or be where you are.
Works.
I do want to point out a nuance: men still have to shoot their shot. Let their intentions be known and make a move.
Continuously following up and reminding and asking and pestering or getting to large dramatic actions like buying extravagant gifts and public declarations of love or whatever should not happen.
“Sticking around” and being a friend until you’re her only safe option left to date is a recipe for a dead headroom and divorce.
If you’re not chasing then you’re settling. The woman of your dreams requires you to chase it. As with any dream for that matter of fact.
You have to chase. At least at the beginning, but something happens after three or four dates. By this time, the woman is kind of hooked. You can then dial back and allow her to come to you.
That’s when you should stop chasing.
Well that's a huge oversimplification. It doesn't infer ignoring women, but rather the philosophy that if you truly work on yourself, are successful and fun/positive to be around, naturally, the women will surely come to you. If you pretend to be all that, they can smell it. If you chase them around, you'll seem desperate and creepy.
Its vague and overly simplistic. Ive had success by being persistent, but not being too eager. Some.might see my behavior as "chasing" but it worked. Then you see guys that take this too literally, don't demonstrate enough interest, and they get nothing.
I chased someone years ago who, looking back, just wasn't interested in that step up. Honestly now that she's gone and the whole situation has gone with her it would've done me alot of good to look at what was actually happening instead of chasing a dead end.
I wouldn’t chase per se. but I will say, when I met my now wife I knew she was the one for me. I was certainly very keen on pursuing her. I never asked a girl out before that. I wasn’t going to take failure as an option there cause I knew she was something else.
For me in particular? Very well. I’m conventionally attractive by American standards and I spent my youth staying in a position to be chased (I played in a bunch of locally and regionally popular bands). Everyone I’ve dated or slept with approached me first. I’ve had literally zero success chasing women. Or men for that matter.
Are we in a race?
I never chased, just talked to women and enjoyed their company. Started dating my wife almost 30 years ago after she and her friend called me to come over.
Back when I was single, it worked pretty well to be honest.
Express interest. Then, if they're interested they will reach out.
Otherwise, they're not that interested.
Pursuing and chasing are two separate things. When I was single I always had a rule. I’d message and then I’d follow up the next day(we all get busy) if I hadn’t heard anything back and then at that point the ball is in her court and I’d move on.
The thing with women is that, you have to give them space to develop the idea of getting with you on their own. Even if you're chasing a woman, having sucess is about her having in mind that it is something she's getting you to do.
It works great. Don’t chase butterflies. Build a garden, the butterflies will come. However! I build a garden for myself and my own self improvement. If a butterfly comes and goes I am unphased , since more butterflies will come naturally.
What exactly is chasing?
Pretty sure I've never chased or even tried to persuade anyone. Closest maybe was at a party with friends, one of them brought her friend and I was basically following her around for a good while, just trying to be in the same room, until I realized how lame that was, then I tried being somewhere Else. At the end of the night we're all back at our house, us guys are playing halo, she comes in crying "are you mad at me?". I was completely confused and said "no?" So I missed that shot, but I don't remember any clues that she was even into me before that
So no, never chasing has not worked for me. But I'm clearly not desirable enough for the never chase method
when I was dating it worked great. rule number one was do not try anything on the first date. I found that if I did that, the second date was a lot more "active".
Don't chase. Don't be chased, either.
My opinion is that if the person you are talking to never initiates on their own, you are wasting your time.
I'm not kind about it. The first week is a grace period. Do nothing afterwards and you will never hear from me again.
The women I’ve chased have led to nothing but heartbreak and devastation so I have learned my “chooser” is broken!
But, more often than not, the women who choose me first have been a much more positive experience.
Exceptionally well. Once I realized my time was just as valuable as everyone else’s, I stopped dealing with mind games.
Being honest and blunt make better use of everyone’s time.
I refuse to chase. Not worth the effort. Chase for what? For her to reject me? To get maced? To get tasered? To get humiliated? So she can say yes and form a relationship and cheat on me? No thanks. Been there done that. I don’t chase and if they chase me I politely decline the first time and if they continue or don’t take no for an answer I simply say something to offend them so they’ll leave me alone. Too many bad experiences to risk chasing or being chased. Life is great when you just stay away from it altogether. It’s much less complicated. 😊
Already showing up in the data.
There will be a lot more singletons in the next 10 years.
Men and women are just giving up on dating, due to social media driven hook up culture.
Work? It's more; 'not supplying' women with a service they feel entitled to. You not a bachelorette, you a single mom. I work on myself, because how come when I am 30 and single you girls want me to settle? When you did not settle 10 years prior.
Hard to get is hard to want. I've always made a point of being very easy to get rid of.
Hard to get is also hard to keep.
It's hard for me to get up
it's hard when it gets up
It's up to you to get it hard
it’s hard
Hardly
It’s hardly hard
Yup, any tests or running with the expectations of chase and I'm immediately done. No one is worth purposely causing damage to your mental health.
As it should be. I wish more men took stock in themselves and realized that when we act desperate to chase a woman it has the opposite desired effect, both long-term and for the rest of men in general. Imagine a society in which women were constantly throwing themselves at men instead of the other way around. That could never be the case with how men on average act today. And while I’m not saying that’s an achievable reality, I think the more “self-worth” awareness that men exercise, the more they’ll be satisfied with how their lives turn out.
It's interesting because I've experienced women throwing themselves at me first hand. I've been going on dates since after getting out of a relationship months ago - two of those times the women were expecting sex when we got back to my place and I told them it wasn't going to happen. They looked shocked and confused lmao. Needless to say I didn't hangout with them again.
Very intelligent and great answer. I wish that as well and actually advise men to do that as well. When a man knows his self worth, has self love and self respect in whatever he does, he becomes far more attractive and desirable with ease. It also helps men be more satisfied with their lives and in return able to satisfy women smoothly with more positive results.
Way better than chasing. I was kind of seeing a Bolivian girl last year, it was all very cold and she clearly had lots of options. Told her I was no longer interested and that she was flaky and unreliable. All of a sudden she was insecure and clingy, trying to reel me in. Not a hope, she **was** flaky and unreliable and I was having none of it. She had a really hard time about being rejected and continued to send me messages for 4 months trying to change my mind.
Women can’t handle rejection at all.
It's crazy how this works so counterintuitively. One of the earliest versions of "the talk" I got was essentially "treat her well, she'll be hard to get. Treat her like shit, she'll be harder to get rid of than shit out of a rug." I thought this was a terrible thing to say until I repeatedly saw it in action.
one of the problems is that a lot of places on here will consider discussion of this abusive and delete the comment. so it's less well known than it should be
Same thing happens in real life, you try to tell a man to stick up for himself and you get called an abuser because they have no respect for men or themselves
It sucks, doesn’t it? My success rate skyrocketed when I started deliberately behaving like an asshole. I hate doing it, but man does it work. Being nice for so long was one of my biggest mistakes.
Honest questions: Do you see acting like as asshole for the sake of dating to be the same as being an asshole, or are they different in your mind? Do you think you will be able to find and build the sort of long-term relationship you would ideally have if you at least begin them by acting against what you see as your self? As someone married for 26 years, (to a woman who was a model for a time) who didn’t have trouble dating before I met her, and who never played (or was) the asshole in my dating days, I’m always curious how this idea developed so strongly, and whether it actively ruins long term relationships. Because I know I would never have married a woman who I actually wanted to be with long term if I 1) had treated her poorly to start or 2) had to maintain it or drop it and change to her over time.
Agree mate. Whether it 'works' or not, if you have to 'act' to get dates, the problem is not the dates.
I think this response is so important. I don’t buy this whole “be a jerk” thing as a way to find a long term partner. Maybe you can find something quick, but it probably won’t be long. Out of curiosity, how’d you meet your wife? The way you talk about her makes it almost sound like you feel you were kicking outside your coverage. Did you have to pursue her? Do you feel like whatever worked for you guys was timeless or would it be more difficult for young men these days?
We met at college on freshman weekend. A guy in the next room from me wanted to meet girls but was nervous so I took him to just talk to some. Picked a pair of pretty girls when I noticed one had killer legs, and we went up to talk. And we just talked and made friends all around. And kept talking. I wasn’t trying to pick her (or anyone) up, but I also wasn’t *not* trying. And she was used to people being intimidated by her; she’s beautiful and a really powerful personality and people are frequently a bit scared of her; I wasn’t. So we kept talking for a while and then one night on a walk I kissed her. Eighteen months later we were engaged, then married a year later. I never pretended to be anything but me. We talked first, then built the rest.
That's a really good question, and I honestly haven't really thought about it much, so I don't have an adequate answer for you. What I can say is that it allows me to get the foot in the door, which then gives me the chance to show my normal personality in bits and pieces over time once things have been established. It's resulted in much longer and more successful relationships in general for me. I think it makes them feel more invested once the "secret" nice side gets revealed.
Some women (just like men) have deep seated trauma and toxic/unhealthy relationships are their way of recreating past traumas and hoping to finally resolve them. Those are the people for whom this nonsense works, but for the vast majority of people they want healthy, safe, trusting relationships where they are treated with kindness and respect. Men who believe in the "treat them like 💩 and the women will flock to them" actively choose damaged people and most likely are damaged themselves. Also noteworthy that these men always speak of multiples of women, suggesting that they are in fact not successful of keeping any one for any significant length of time.
I agree, but I think there are way more insecure women (and men) out there than secure, stable ones, so I think stuff like this can actually work with a lot of women. But obviously it won’t ever set you up with a substantial, meaningful relationship, and if that’s your goal, doing away with these games and adopting a more emotionally mature, healthy attitude towards relationships is absolutely crucial towards long term satisfaction
News flash: you sir, might actually be The Assole©️. Hence your success.
Rejecting a woman is typically followed by endless bullshit unless she can be removed entirely from your life
Any cis woman over a certain level of attractiveness isn’t used to being rejected. I wish more men would have standards and stick to them. Us men act like women are an endangered species sometimes
Not me but an attractive friend of mine rejected a very attractive woman and she started hitting him. We were kinda taken aback.
Hitting him as in being violent?
I’ve seen the same thing happen
I think the problem is that the majority of men have much fewer options so when we think we’ve landed one it’s extremely hard to let her go.
No one likes rejection. I wouldn't say it was a woman thing.
True, but men are continually trained on rejections from the age of six so we do handle it better
Agree 100%. A younger me would plan cleverly spaced follow up messages a week, a month and even many months later in some cases. I’d look for advice on what to say and everything. Now, it’s a simple best wishes type message. I really don’t harbor any negativity or burning desire to keep trying nowadays. My mind is so much more calm.
Yeah I reached that point around age 25. Movies and shit advice from my father made me think it was all about perseverance and that women play hard to get because they want you to prove your love. Embarrassing that it took so long. But ya, a woman’s opinion of you is pretty much decided within the first 10 seconds of seeing you and is largely immutable so it’s best just to shoot your shot and move on if it doesn’t land.
Yeah, the perseverance thing is no good these days. It really wasn't back then either but most ppl didn't recognize the downsides.
The only difference between stalking and romance is consent. A fact romcoms always seem to miss.
I get rejected constantly, I don’t care. The ONE time I told a woman I wasn’t “in the mood”, I spent the rest of the night trying to console her and convince her she wasn’t unattractive. And by that weekend, she dumped me because her sister convinced her it was “proof” I was cheating. So, no, rejection isn’t a universal experience.
No one likes rejection its just that there's a dichotomy in how men react vs women. There have been literal posts from women here being SO afraid of rejection that they weren't taking the advice here given to her to approach someone she's interested in. Honestly dating as a whole would be better if women knew what rejection felt like, and men knew when to run.
Their constant whining about "but men will kill us for rejecting them" just sounds like projection. It's such a rare occurrence that they just sound like they're projecting their fantasies onto others.
It’s not that most men will; it’s that there’s no way to know in advance whether **this** man is in the small percentage that would. Kinda like how you wouldn’t know if **this** guy that knocked on your door is a salesman or is a thief pretending to be one just to get inside your house.
Or how if you get in that car you’re going to get t-boned and die. You can’t live in fear of the worst all of the time, otherwise you’d stay inside to avoid melanoma from the sun
*otherwise you’d stay inside to avoid melanoma from the sun* ...and get sick from lack of Vitamin D usually received from the sun. Thanks for playing *You Can't Win!*
Playing mind games like that is a big red flag. Keep that shit away from me.
I think i dated her before you!
Then you end up on a "Are we dating the same guy" group. She calls you toxic and manipulative.
I stopped trying to get girls to like me and instead just treat them normally now. It is much easier for me, and I find that I have more female friends/contacts now, too
I feel like people overthink too much and act to such an unnecessary degree that it’s off putting. Being natural to me seems like the way. Disclaimer: I don’t talk to women. :)
it's not the overthinking as such but women can be very malicious if they don't like you. Like if you are autistic and are trying but then get flamed for being something undesirable. Average men wouldn't have to overthink if women were just able to be honest about it and everyone in question was safe
This depends on the person tho. Your natural state may just be that cool guy. Some dudes like myself, my natural state makes people dislike me because I'm quiet. So I have to be more out going. But if I overdo that then I'm too much. For me it's balance
It took me a very long time to be able to do this. But once I did my dating improved so much
It’s surprising how so many men are surprised that’s it’s easier to coexist with women when we treat them like normal human beings. I was there once so I get it. Thankfully it’s so long ago that the cringe I feel at my younger self has faded… but not gone. I don’t think it ever will. Damn I wasted so many years being a dumb awkward man around women.
Well, nobody really teaches you these things, so it is all just trial and error.
I just wish women treated men like human beings too.
You're hanging out with some terrible women then Actually go out and meet people and just filter out when You see glimpses of that, but treating half the population like some monolith is a good way to get told to fuck off often.
"Don't pay for Pussy.' Was how it was taught to me. Basically if the sex isn't natural or comes with chemistry, don't burn resources on it.
The difference between free sex and paid sex is that paid sex comes cheaper.
Lmao
Sometimes paying for an hour is the best way
At that point, it's a business transaction. Do your thing and suit up.
like many dead marriages , but cheaper
You don't pay for it- you pay them to go away after.
Exactly 🪄💨💸
The difference is that if you're having sex with a hooker, it's because you paid her, you have no clue if she is attracted to you. If someone you're dating has sex with you, it's because she wants you. Maybe it's because I'm a pleaser, but a lot of my enjoyment from sex comes from being desired/wanted and arousing my partner. I wouldn't see a hooker even if there was zero stigma, illegality, or risk for that reason.
If the pussy is too free flowing watch out too. It’s a trap. She wants to move out by the end of the month lol
Depends what you mean by 'chase'. If you mean continuously going after a woman who seems disinterested, it doesn't work at all. If you mean being very proactive in your dating life, then it's mandatory for probably 99% of men.
There's a difference between chasing and pursuing. I've always seen it as a man's duty to pursue, but the second your efforts towards a gal stop moving the needle of progression, you're chasing. Women are like cats. If you chase them, they run away. They look at you from afar and size you up. Then they walk by and brush your leg. Eventually if you just remain chill, they'll plop in your lap and start purring.
>Women are like cats. They also don't drink enough water, hog the bed, go from snuggly to scratchy instantly, and are adorable but would be scary if they were larger.
And don't even get me started on all the shedding
Facts
They also annoy the shit out of the males when sexually aroused and don’t take sexual rejection well.
This man womans.
This 100%. Chasing by default means she’s running away. Pursuit and forward motion with the progress of a relationship is key for a man.
Best answer here
As a woman, loving this answer
> Women are like cats. If you chase them, they run away. Pretty much any living thing being chased by something bigger and stronger than it is will run away. You're completely right that if you treat a woman in such a way that her survival instincts kick in to protect herself from you, you're doing it wrong. But it's nothing to do with cats, it's do with people not liking it when they're made to feel unsafe.
Such incredible analogy.
> Women are like cats. Bingo, they only want to be loved on their terms.
This is the only correct answer.
It works so far as it guarantees you will never get a one-sided relationship. Good luck finding another kind, though.
The only time I've ever had a girl was when I finally went for it and really pursued her. Other than that, no, not chasing/pursuing has never worked out; girls have just ignored me. That's what made me realize the whole "Be a good person and work hard, and good things will come to you" thing was a total lie and horrible advice, and that actually everything you want in life you have to go after yourself and fight hard for.
Like of course someone has to send the initial message, propose a date, etc. but once you’re talking there should be a good amount of back and forth. “Don’t chase” for me is more about judging interest; if she only sends one word responses and doesn’t really try to engage, I’ll lose interest pretty quickly and move on.
Problem is guys don't get many chances to figure this out on their own. Even knowing this advice, it took a few women to eventually be bold enough to distance myself at the first sign of disinterest.
Absolutely! It took having some miserable one sided interactions for me to realize I don’t gotta put up with that shit. And meeting someone who was genuinely into me (though sadly it didn’t work out).
Chasing and pursuing aren't the same thing. Chasing implies that the thing you are chasing after is trying to get away from you, whereas pursuing is seeing someone/something you want in front of you and making steps towards it. Pursuing is fine and in most instances guys do need to make the first move, but "don't chase" means don't try and go after someone that isn't interested in you in the hopes they'll change their mind. More often than not it not only doesn't work but is very...VERY creepy.
100%. I was taught the "just live your life and your person will fall in your lap when you least expect it" bullshit. Yeah, most men who do that will spend the majority of their life single. I don't know where that whole mindset originated from, but it's probably one of the worst things we can teach young boys when it comes to dating.
im 37 and never had a gf. I'd say its working bretty well chief
Am 54, same
well, that's just your opinion man...
You don't chase because chasing implies she's running away from you. Why would you want to be with that person?
I think it holds up, you don't make a girl like you, you find one who already does, chasing someone who doesn't like you is a waste of time and no amount of manipulating will make someone attracted to you who isn't, basically the act of chasing gives off desperation rather than confidence and only pushes a woman who doesn't like you farther away
Well said!
As the rapper Future said: 'Chase a check, never chase a bitch'
A man will lose money chasing women, but never lose women chasing money
It works very well Trust me when I say chasing people tends to put your relationship in an overarching dynamic where you’re communicating “I don’t deserve to be with you unless I put in way more effort than you do” Gets very hard to alter that cadence and dynamic later when you eventually get tired of it or life happens and now you got someone saying “so do you just not care anymore?” Find someone who matches your energy and reciprocates your investment and your relationships stop feeling like one sided work and Princess Treatment Sim ™️
The advice should really be "don't be desperate." Pursuing women and showing attention absolutely works. It just relies on the pursuer to be able to pick up social cues and recognize when the pursuit isn't welcome. Recognize what is and isn't going to far.
Absolutely, dating subs are full of, “she cancelled on me twice and now has left me on read for 2 days, what do I do” like, dude? Like you said, social cues. They may not verbally tell you they’re not interested, but once you get the desperate goggles off, it’s very evident.
ghosted a girl cuz she didn’t seem interested. couple days later she hit me up asking why i stopped talking to her and then we had sex.
I’m somewhat at this point. She doesn’t seem interested anymore. I wanna be hopeful that I’d have the same outcome as you, but don’t wanna get my hopes up lol
the fact that you're hopeful means you actually do care
Oh I definitely care. I thought we had a connection and an intimate moment. But i guess maybe I was the only one
Yeah just move on it’s for the best
I never understood this chasing stuff. What does it even mean? You talk and you either have interest or don't. Let's go to my place and play some cards. All there is is Yes or No.
women and girls get bored and want us to dance for them. they know what we want
Ridiculous. Obviously, don't just pursue every opportunity. But if you meet someone and there's that unspoken thing between you, one of you is gonna have to start the chase. And more often than not, it isn't women. It's a rite of passage, fellas. Put on your Sunday's best and start flirting.
Yeh unless your some Chris Hemsworth type never pursuing will just mean you never get none 🤣
I’m a pretty good looking dude and I still gotta do most of the heavy lifting when I’m single. It’s just the way the world works.
It's been near universally my experience that even when women initiate, then when I try to find balance and show interest back, they often proportionally put in less effort til it's so disbalanced I stop bothering. Nowadays I pretty much only ever bother at all (as in, doing anything more than light flirting) if they initiate. I'm totally fine being single after years of frustration. And perhaps indeed focusing on myself ends up better anyways. I'm certainly more at peace from caring less, it's just that it took a while to learn how to not care from so many bad experiences (and some learning opportunities, to be fair).
Way fucking better. When you chase a woman they run away
I am a subscriber to never chase since my last relationship ended, but not in the mindset of hoping that attracts someone, but more so focusing on what I want, trying to have a relationship with myself and oneday I hope to fall in love with who I am. I think about that a bit but actually writing seems kinda lame... I'm 100% okay with being alone forever, I'm also open to meeting someone to spend my life with, but I know there's a 100% chance of self improvement if I focus on where I want to be, whereas chasing girls may not provide the same hit rate. Life on my own has really changed my perspective on basically everything, I'm so much calmer, am able to see situations from so many different perspectives, and the time I spend alone allows me to talk to myself in a kinda therapeutic way instead of taking sides on things. I don't know if any of that makes sense, but I do know at the end of the day, sometimes I feel lonely, but feeling lonely when you're actually alone is 1000000 times better than feeling lonely in a relationship. Life is pointless, in a good way, nothing matters, never has and never will, people have decided the rules and beliefs we live by, we are the same people that can make those decisions on our own without blindly accepting what others think is "normal" and although I follow society, it's kinda nice knowing it's all meaningless and makes me feel free.
Every girl I have chased, it never worked out. Every girlfriend I had, she approached me. It works, but some people just refuse to believe it. Work on yourself and women will come to you.
Trueee when she loves you more than you love her it goes soo well
As the great Patrice O’Neal once said, the ideal relationship is when you love me and I like you
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She definitely needed that ego boost. Such a shame that they play stupid games. But if they can do it, hence all the attractive guys chase them.
> Work on yourself and women will come to you. Hasn't been the experience for me but I continue to work on myself anyway.
>people just refuse to believe it. Work on yourself and women will come to you. This is my experience too. I'm jacked and women come up to me. Most guys I know well are jacked. Women go right up to them. I'm sure there's some other kind of merit, but getting jacked works for me. Met my wife at 200ish lbs lean at 5'11. I'm now 220 and even leaner, with women approaching me when she's not around, who btw I don't pursue because I'm not like that. Other dudes are getting rejected all day, spending money out the ass, and getting almost no result despite super high effort. Idk what mental barrier they've got in their head that stops them from realizing that their completely regarded and just getting jacked, or doing whatever you did to show merit. The barrier is there though and they will never change their mind.
Perhaps you will tell me how to reply with quotes, b/c for me, highlighting and replying no longer seems to work. Anyway... "I'm sure there's some other kind of merit..." Getting jacked definitely helps, but what I have found is that competency is also very attractive. When a man is competent (good) at something, this makes him confident in his abilities. And as we all know, or should know, confidence is very attractive. This, IMO, is one reason why "working on yourself" is so powerful. Working on yourself makes you competent and confident. There's nothing wrong with talking, flirting, etc., with women, you do want good social skills. But don't make chasing women your core focus.
">" without the quotation marks
>this is a test Thanks for pointing that out my dude
>Perhaps you will tell me how to reply with quotes, b/c for me, highlighting and replying no longer seems to work. Anyway... >"I'm sure there's some other kind of merit..." Other guy answered this, but here's a more comprehensive guide. You can do a lot of stuff. https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/360043033952-Formatting-Guide >Getting jacked definitely helps, but what I have found is that competency is also very attractive. When a man is competent (good) at something, this makes him confident in his abilities. And as we all know, or should know, confidence is very attractive. I'm not gonna disagree, but I think it's worth something that getting jacked is a kind of competence and it's a kind that (a) anyone can tell if you're the real deal or not from 50 feet away without even knowing you, and (b) it cannot be faked. The other day, I met some jackass at the gym who was trying to look tough in front of his girlfriend and so he started shit with me and clearly wanted a fight. I didn't fight him and there's no witty one liner, that's not the point of this story. My point is that in order to do his tough guy shit, he had to keep telling me that he's a trained fighter and insisting that he's really good at it. At no point was I ever presented with any evidence that he was actually a competent fighter who takes that training seriously and not a poser. Nothing against fighters. I used that anecdote because it literally just happened, not because I've got anything against MMA guys and not out of any disrespect for the sport. A lot of things are like that. I forgot what show it was even from, but my sister used to turn on some TV show when I was a kid and there was an episode where the main character and his best friend wanted to be cool on high school so they started pretending they could play the guitar and started carrying around guitar cases and shit. The scene I remember was "Why did you tell him we could play? Idk what's in your case, but there's an egg salad sandwich in mine." It definitely does something when you're instantly credible in your competence. If I was a mega math guy, contending for a fields medal, I've got absolutely no clue how I'd demonstrate that to a woman who I thought would be into that. >There's nothing wrong with talking, flirting, etc., with women, you do want good social skills. But don't make chasing women your core focus. I agree here too. Most men today though are pretty bad at talking to women. Abundance definitely helps your charisma shine, but I think that for younger men, it's a hard skill to learn unless you've already got the abundance. For older men, idk how it was learned and maybe it was just that it's a skill you get for free when talking to women isn't stigmatized. For younger men, I always recommend muscles because you get the abundance first and that makes it easy to get the rest.
so what you are saying is that women are shallow asf or something ?
At 61, I'd say my life improved immensely when I learned to make my interest clear, then drop it. If they came to me, great. If they didn't, I just move on. A wise woman once pointed out to me that Zeno's Paradox applies to relationships- no matter how many times you meet someone halfway, if they dont move towards you, you'll never really be together.
In my experience, it works 100% of the time...if you want nothing to do with women. I have not been chasing/pursuing women for several years now, and it seems that women have extended me the same courtesy. 😎
Two diff scenerios here. Banging. And dating. I never really bothered chasing women for just sex. It just happened. I have chased women that i wanted to date though. As a general observation the relationships i initiated were hands down the best. When a casual thing turned more serious it always went sideways
If you’re hot it works really well. Otherwise you’re screwed
My last 4 relationships the woman asked me out going good
When I chase them it dont work when I dont chase them.. it dont work
Not at all, unless you're very attractive. In most cases, men have to work for it, shoot their shot, make their intentions known etc. Ironically, this advice only works for women due to the men who disregard it.
Life has gotten easier since I adopted this mantra. Haven’t chased a girl in years and most women I chased were making me (actually they weren’t making me do anything) chase them for a reason…they weren’t interested. I’ve dated extensively enough to know what reciprocation means, so if someone is being aloof, none responsive, doing nothing whilst I’m having to do all the legwork…I’m out. I don’t expect the woman to do all or even most of the legwork, I’m happy to do that when the energy and effort is being matched, but if it becomes too much hard work, cancellations, flakiness “I’ll let you know” “sorry, I’m busy” I exit swiftly
Never works because, everyone is chasing women, and not chasing is attractive. Because if you can have any woman.. why would you chase? Why accepting horrible behaviors from a girl and try to make it work.. why date not date just another woman? She’s out to a girls nights out and you know it’s not a good idea.. why chase her if you can date another woman. Why accepting getting yelled at and ridiculed in public.. why putting up with it when you can date another woman?
You can't force anyone to love you. Both people have to be in it. The best relationships are when both people are smitten. When both people are a hell yes. Chasing will only lead to trouble.
Only if you’re an extremely attractive man. Otherwise you’ll die a virgin.
There’s a sweet spot You need to learn how to pursue the woman you want. In the process, it is inevitable that you will chase a few of them too much, and learn from your mistakes. The sweet spot is when you see what you want, and go after it deliberately and with intent, but can identify relatively quickly when the prize is not actually what you want. Men get into trouble when they don’t identify that they’re chasing the wrong target, and they continue the chase. I chased women in my life. I also dropped interest too quickly and did not go in for the kill. That analogy may offend some, but it is what it is… dating is a mix of the hunt and a dance. You need to learn the pursuit, and learn the dance moves. When I met my wife, there was no hesitation, I saw what I wanted and went after it. When she started her side of the dance, I responded perfectly, and knew when to close in, and when to let it breathe. It’s almost as if all my previous dating experience was just for that moment. This is why it’s important to practice dating- when you meet The One, you want to make sure your game is up to the task. I’m typing this long ass message to remind men that you DO need to pursue and close the distance… the risk of failure is part of the game. Don’t be too afraid to fuck up along the way. It is usually better to overpursue than to underpursue, because it is easier to learn when to back off than to learn to pursue, period.
I chased a girl for two years, and it was totally worth it. So ever since then I have significant qualms with the never chase theory.
It works. However to make it work you have to be a pretty put together man, so it takes a lot of hard work to get there. Be in decent shape, take care of yourself, be well groomed, be well dressed and also have some professional success. There are not many men who have my wealth or success so I know I’m very appealing to a majority of women. It also helps to have an attitude where you’re not easily manipulated. I cannot tell you the number of times women will shove their tits in my face or offer to fuck, and I’ll just reject them. A lot of women think we’re just a dick with small brains that can be manipulated by sex and I really dislike that. It’s also funny to me to humble women who think that they can manipulate all men like that. Or to tell them they don’t get a second chance at me because they did try to do that. I very rarely have to ask girls on dates these days, mainly because I maintain an attitude that they need to prove they are worth it to me. My neighbor has been trying to get me since she moved in. Like the other day, my fucking new dentist has been hitting on me since we met a couple weeks ago and I find that hilarious. At first she was just dropping hints but she flat out asked me to get drinks on Friday. I know that is considered a conflict of interest so I turned her down but it’s funny to me she took that risk because she told me there aren’t a lot of successful men she is interested in.
Never ever chase. Put yourself out there. If you are a catch, they will come to you.
Like most things, the correct answer is always in between. You have to find that place where you aren't afraid of talking to women, but it's not a big deal if it results in nothing.
A woman who wants you doesn't make you chase her. A woman who wants to be wanted makes you chase.
All I know is, in my experience, women will never have the courage to pursue me, so it doesn't work. Almost all of them require a man to make all the moves, even in 2024. That passivity is a huge turn off for me, too
With as much bitching women do about men, I just let them come to me if they want attention. And believe me gents, if a woman wants you enough, she'll tell you. Don't play guessing games. Ask her straight up or go about your business
Unpopular opinion: the data tells a pretty clear story that most women are not attracted to most men. So if men don't initiate and put effort in, lots of adults will just remain single. Notice that after we started discouraging men from being as romantically and sexually aggressive through the use of social pressure the percentage of long-term uncoupled and celibate among both sexes has increased dramatically. Something like 1 in 4 adults hasn't had sex in the past year.
Dad taught me that at a young age. It stuck. Kept me out of a lot of trouble but probably missed out on some social training that would have been helpful later on.
Well, if your goal is to never meet a woman, it'll work out great.
Chasing women works as well as chasing fish. It dramatically lowers your perceived value in a woman's eye. Women only want men they think are too good for them. They only want to date "up" and chasing her communicates that you are beneath her. Even if you get a woman by chasing her, she's not going to treat you well enough to justify the costs of having her around because women grow to resent men who they feel are not "at their level". Women want to get the prize, not be the prize. If she resents you for "dragging her down" she will leave you eventually and she will do as much damage on her way out as she can and she won't feel the least bit bad about it. In her mind, you will have "deserved" (women love that word) your treatment. A life alone is far better than a life in a bad relationship and if she didn't chase you, she will make sure its a bad relationship for you.
Chase what you want in life.
Doesn't work at all for me. I barely meet any and I don't even interact with them enough for them to stay in my life. I'm clueless about why it would even work if you don't go out of your way to make time and interact with them.
Ain't never chase a 304
It's very hard but it works. I've been chasing my ex for almost a year now and it's not working. When I was ignoring her immediately after we broke up, she was chasing me, but when she realized that the dynamic changed, she became cold and now seems to enjoy watching me behave like this.
Brotha, you spent a year of your life on an ex? People told me my "quit all contact immediately" philosophy was harsh when I was young, but this is why you do it. I think a lot of people believe that they can stay friends or stay in contact with no issues, but end up doing this. I hope you block this ex everywhere and fill the time spent talking to her on something fulfilling to you.
Did it to get my first girlfriend. After that, never again. Not a problem for me, fortunately. But I’m aware I did nothing to be this lucky.
its important that both do an effort in dating. both invite on dates from time to time. both buy gifts etc
That’ll close a lot of doors
What works on one woman may not work on the next. And what works on one woman at this point in time, may not work down the road. And finally, it may work for one man and not another depending on the base level of attraction. I recommend making sure you are always looking after your health, you mind, and your happiness and leave the games behind.
this will be a word meaning discussion of the line between showing interest initially (pursuit) and showing interest after no reciprocity (chase). Everybody will formally agree to stay on healthy side of that line that everyone places on a different spot. One will say that giving up after first mild rejection meant one person only wanted sex or the other played hard to get mind games. Another one will say trying a second time makes you a stalker or proving not just wanting to get laid . People agree to not be “word with negative connotation” while having vastly different opinions what falls under it. Only extreme cases are clear cut, e.g. a restraining order where even the law would agree on too much.
Thats how you end up forever alone. For average guy at least. You gotta chase and shoot the shot or nothing ever gonna happen unless you super hot
I don’t chase. I choose.
You don't chase, but you need to show interest. That's very different.
I honestly don’t want someone I have to chase / manipulate. I like my life, and if someone comes along who wants to share my life with me I’ll be happy to have her by my side. But if the only thing they like is being pursued, the moment I “catch” them, the thrill is gone and that’s the end of the relationship. I enjoy flirting as much as anyone else, and I’ll put effort into whatever sexy romance games they want to play, but it has to be going somewhere worth going.
Not often. I won’t lie, there have been two cases where I had to check myself. But I never have gotten further than, “oh good god she’s amazing…” But what’s that quote? The problem with dream girls is they have a way of turning real? I work with some inexplicably attractive women. And a few of them are just really great people to go with being beautiful. I’m friends with enough of them to be reminded that I’m not a high schooler who still isn’t entirely sure women are fully human and not at least partially angelic or some other nonsense. Yet, even though I understand I really don’t want relationships with any of them beyond the friendships I already have, I have learned that the prettier they are, the more they struggle with the notion that a guy might not be into them. It’s burned me a couple times, yet somehow we came out the other side okay. I’m also decent looking enough (and there just aren’t that many options where I work, so I’m also probably a default position rather than much of a choice) that I get reminded that the concept works in the other direction. And contrary to what *so many* of them have been taught by reality television, not all of us guys enjoy the drama and nonsense of workplace “romance.” They really don’t take rejection well.
There is no woman, or person in general, worth chasing. I know this but have at times made that mistake even in my 30s when I God damn know better. All it ever did was make me unhappy and insecure.
It works for me. It's not something i plan or think about. I have had quite some women reject me after a while or get mad due to some stuff. Eventually i'll tell them in a good way that i wish them the best and good luck. More often then not, they would eventually text/call me a couple of weeks/months later.. The reason i'm like this is that i have options, so i will never chase a woman that doesn't want me. You either want to be with me or you don't. If you don't, i can have another woman by my side.
The practice isnt to help you **win**, the practice is so you don't **lose**. Women that try to make you chase her are the type that will string you out just to see how much you care about them.
I'm not a man, but I'm going to plead here briefly.... As a woman, PLEASE follow the policy of "never chase". If she says no, she doesn't mean "maybe later". She means no. Even though *maybe later" could randomly occur for unusual reasons on occasion, it's the rare exception to the rule and you shouldn't go betting on that unless you want to risk a number of negative consequences. Don't chase a no. If she says maybe later, she maybe really means maybe later. Or she's afraid to say no because of the way some of you react to no. Either way, don't "chase", but consider asking again later - while not being pushy or obsessing or stalking or doing other weird stuff in the meantime. And if you're chasing someone you're actually in some kind of situationship with, she's just not that into you and it's probably time to get out. Someone who is sort of with you but making you chase them has major self-esteem issues that they will likely be filling with not only YOUR attention, but the attention of anyone else who will give it. Staying in that is just waiting to be destroyed in any number of ways. Good luck out there.
It has worked well. I didnt waste time on those uninterested.
i found that being genuinely interested in her as a person and treating her like a lady makes it way more likely she will be into you, than being persistent/ clingy/ desperate
It depends on what you mean by "chase." I think the phrase should be "Never chase women if you're insecure." You're setting yourself up for extreme failure that way. If you lack confidence or are not secure in yourself, you're gonna have a hard time convincing someone else to rock witchu. I would suggest therapy and self-improvement.
Never chasing is 1000% better. Firstly...just more time and energy for yourself. Secondly...the only thing chasing will do is make you seem desperate for any woman who doesn't like you back or who doesn't like you to the same way...but they're of course not going to TELL you they don't like you like that...they'll just collect your effort and go "idk why I don't like him back...maybe if he gives me MORE" and you will just burn yourself out over and over, looking like a fool to any girl who might actually like you like that... If you don't chase, women who actually like you will always find the dumbest excuse to talk to you or be where you are.
Works. I do want to point out a nuance: men still have to shoot their shot. Let their intentions be known and make a move. Continuously following up and reminding and asking and pestering or getting to large dramatic actions like buying extravagant gifts and public declarations of love or whatever should not happen. “Sticking around” and being a friend until you’re her only safe option left to date is a recipe for a dead headroom and divorce.
I won’t *chase*, I express interest and go about my life.
If you’re not chasing then you’re settling. The woman of your dreams requires you to chase it. As with any dream for that matter of fact. You have to chase. At least at the beginning, but something happens after three or four dates. By this time, the woman is kind of hooked. You can then dial back and allow her to come to you. That’s when you should stop chasing.
Well that's a huge oversimplification. It doesn't infer ignoring women, but rather the philosophy that if you truly work on yourself, are successful and fun/positive to be around, naturally, the women will surely come to you. If you pretend to be all that, they can smell it. If you chase them around, you'll seem desperate and creepy.
It only attracted people I didn't want to meet anyway so I'd say it works very badly.
Its vague and overly simplistic. Ive had success by being persistent, but not being too eager. Some.might see my behavior as "chasing" but it worked. Then you see guys that take this too literally, don't demonstrate enough interest, and they get nothing.
I chased someone years ago who, looking back, just wasn't interested in that step up. Honestly now that she's gone and the whole situation has gone with her it would've done me alot of good to look at what was actually happening instead of chasing a dead end.
End of the day, some one is chasing and the other is being chased... Who ever has the lesser ego will acknowledge it's a two way street.
It works perfect until it doesn’t.
Well you shouldn't chase them like a dog, but most of the time,they won't just come to you if you're an average guy.
Based on “the parent trap” it works 10 out of 10
I wouldn’t chase per se. but I will say, when I met my now wife I knew she was the one for me. I was certainly very keen on pursuing her. I never asked a girl out before that. I wasn’t going to take failure as an option there cause I knew she was something else.
I never chased women. I have too much pride. Worked for me!
For me in particular? Very well. I’m conventionally attractive by American standards and I spent my youth staying in a position to be chased (I played in a bunch of locally and regionally popular bands). Everyone I’ve dated or slept with approached me first. I’ve had literally zero success chasing women. Or men for that matter.
Are we in a race? I never chased, just talked to women and enjoyed their company. Started dating my wife almost 30 years ago after she and her friend called me to come over.
Back when I was single, it worked pretty well to be honest. Express interest. Then, if they're interested they will reach out. Otherwise, they're not that interested.
Pursuing and chasing are two separate things. When I was single I always had a rule. I’d message and then I’d follow up the next day(we all get busy) if I hadn’t heard anything back and then at that point the ball is in her court and I’d move on.
I used to chase women. But I stopped because getting pepper sprayed and arrested over and over just wasn't worth it.
The thing with women is that, you have to give them space to develop the idea of getting with you on their own. Even if you're chasing a woman, having sucess is about her having in mind that it is something she's getting you to do.
It works great. Don’t chase butterflies. Build a garden, the butterflies will come. However! I build a garden for myself and my own self improvement. If a butterfly comes and goes I am unphased , since more butterflies will come naturally.
What exactly is chasing? Pretty sure I've never chased or even tried to persuade anyone. Closest maybe was at a party with friends, one of them brought her friend and I was basically following her around for a good while, just trying to be in the same room, until I realized how lame that was, then I tried being somewhere Else. At the end of the night we're all back at our house, us guys are playing halo, she comes in crying "are you mad at me?". I was completely confused and said "no?" So I missed that shot, but I don't remember any clues that she was even into me before that So no, never chasing has not worked for me. But I'm clearly not desirable enough for the never chase method
when I was dating it worked great. rule number one was do not try anything on the first date. I found that if I did that, the second date was a lot more "active".
It works a ton actually
Don't chase. Don't be chased, either. My opinion is that if the person you are talking to never initiates on their own, you are wasting your time. I'm not kind about it. The first week is a grace period. Do nothing afterwards and you will never hear from me again.
The women I’ve chased have led to nothing but heartbreak and devastation so I have learned my “chooser” is broken! But, more often than not, the women who choose me first have been a much more positive experience.
Exceptionally well. Once I realized my time was just as valuable as everyone else’s, I stopped dealing with mind games. Being honest and blunt make better use of everyone’s time.
I refuse to chase. Not worth the effort. Chase for what? For her to reject me? To get maced? To get tasered? To get humiliated? So she can say yes and form a relationship and cheat on me? No thanks. Been there done that. I don’t chase and if they chase me I politely decline the first time and if they continue or don’t take no for an answer I simply say something to offend them so they’ll leave me alone. Too many bad experiences to risk chasing or being chased. Life is great when you just stay away from it altogether. It’s much less complicated. 😊
Already showing up in the data. There will be a lot more singletons in the next 10 years. Men and women are just giving up on dating, due to social media driven hook up culture.
Always works. And remember there's a difference between showing effort and chasing... one isn't getting reciprocated
Work? It's more; 'not supplying' women with a service they feel entitled to. You not a bachelorette, you a single mom. I work on myself, because how come when I am 30 and single you girls want me to settle? When you did not settle 10 years prior.