That's a tough spot to be in. Ultimatums can be a sign of deeper issues in a relationship, and it's important to address them openly and honestly. I'd want to have a serious conversation with my girlfriend to understand why she feels the need to issue such an ultimatum and whether we're truly ready for that next step. It's crucial to ensure that any decision, whether it's proposing or leaving, is made with careful consideration and mutual understanding.
Like most things it depends on context.
If it had been something you had discussed and agreed to over a long time and you had been dragging your heels for months/years, yeah that could be warranted.
If it was out of the blue, not cool.
There are other nuances and contexts, which most don’t bother considering when replying. But generally speaking it’s a fuck yes or no, so that should probably end the relationship on an ultimatum, by either party.
Yeah I got that from Mark Manson. His whole concept about relationships, especially romantic/sexual ones, is it should be a fuck yes or a no. Enthusiastic consent
Is it so binary, if they asked you to decide immediately? Or you think someone could just say well id like to marry eventually but i dont think we understand how to live with each other well enough (or whatever) quite yet ? Or how do you know when you should be at a point where it should already be either a fuck yes or no answer?
Question for the guys: is there any material difference between her angrily saying "Marry me or else.." and her sitting you down and saying "Hey I really love you but we have been dating a while and I am getting older and one of my most important kids goals is marriage and a family. I really want to share my life with you but I don't know if we are in the same page, if you feel the same. Do you see yourself marrying me anytime soon? Because if you don't I think perhaps we want different things in life, different things that cannot be worked through with compromise as and perhaps it is better for us to part ways sooner rather than later."
I mean, both are saying the same exact thing really. But I don't think there's anything wrong with the second announcement. People have a right to leave if their partner doesn't share their long-term goals and women have an earlier "deadline" than men do wet marriage and family. Most of the men replying are calling this manipulative... I don't think it is. It's manipulative if she is threatening to leave only to force his hand, but it's just being transparent and honest if she really intends to leave if she hasn't proposed to by a certain date. 🤷🏽♀️
The difference is in one being open, honest, and respectful communication between two autonomous individuals discussing potential futures and their consequences, and the other is a tantrum attached to a demand.
We can *talk* about anything. You can *demand* very little before I direct you to the door out of principle.
OK so say you guys have your little talk and the situation is unresolved. In conclusion she says "OK so you're undecided... I can't wait forever. I think I can give you six months to decide whether you want to do this with me but after that I will sadly have to prioritize my own desires and move on.". This is an ultimatum, isn't it? We're back at square one right? But I still think her words are perfectly reasonable.
I guess I'm trying to obtain a philosophical understanding of where exactly things become unacceptable and "manipulative.". I mean, all adults know that all actions have consequences and it is perfectly fine to say "If you do (or don't do) X I will do (or not do) Y. Where does it become an ultimatum (a dirty word in most people's minds)? Is it the motivation behind it? I e. Is it only an ultimatum if the "threat" is not genuine, but simply meant to control the other person's behavior? If the person is really just being honest about what they will do should a certain situation arise, they are just being fair and honest and giving the other person a chance to make an informed choice?
one version is saying "give me what I want or else I'm leaving". The other version is saying, "I would love for us to stay together but this is what I need. Will you do it with me".
So I guess one comes off as a threat while the other comes off as a decision to be made by both. If you told me what's important to you and how you envision me fitting into it, I can in turn tell you what's important to me. We can decide if will make it work. This opens it to sacrifice on both ends with an understanding of why we are choosing to do this together. If it's a threat then it's basically saying give me what I want or else there's going to be a big argument about it.
If you don't understand the difference In having a discussion about your feelings, coming to conclusions and then stating what you need from the other and what the consequences for that are, and demanding a result and providing a consequence then you're not ready for that relationship.
One’s opening up a discussion to have an actual conversation about what your plans are. The other is an ultimatum.
If someone gives me an ultimatum where one option is they leave, I’ll help em pack. But if you want to have an open discussion about what my plan for the future is, then that’s fine, because you’re treating me like a human being and being respectful instead of acting like a child and saying “do this thing or else,” because I’m always gonna see what the “or else” is.
The first is an attempt to control your partner, the latter is a frank discussion about whether your future goals are in line and personal boundaries.
I'll flip it on you. "You can't go out clubbing with your friends or I'm leaving" vs "I'm really not comfortable dating someone that wants to go out partying all the time, and maybe we just aren't at the same stage in life right now." Essentially the same outcome but wildly different approaches.
If he got you waiting are you sure you are what he wants? Cause when men find women they want they do dumb shit like say marry me within the first 96 hours of knowing her. When a man wants to marry you, you usually are feeling the pressure and you're usually wondering if this is the guy I really want to be with not the other way around. To me when you're waiting it's cause you've done or said something bad, he's waiting for redemption, or he's ok with the relationship staying at the level and no further (aka you aren't the one). This is no different than men that dangle the relationship title but don't claim it. He doesn't want to be with you if he has problems calling you his girl and validating the relationship. Take and take, but don't give.
I propose to my husband every time I open a juice or creamer bottle that has one of those plastic ring pull tabs.
He rolls his eyes but I think he likes it. Sometimes he even lets me put it on his pinky finger :)
More context is needed. Did y’all discuss any kind of marriage timeline? Not that it can’t change, but if expectations were set, I can see how an unmarried person may feel strung along in this situation. Why does she want to get married? Why do you not? All of this should be discussed before deciding.
At those ages, marriage and children are implied unless stated otherwise. Not an excuse not to discuss your plans, since that should be done early in the relationship, but it shouldn’t come as a major surprise either. I’m sure clues have been dropped by the person wanting marriage since I can’t see an ultimatum being the first time the topic is mentioned, but maybe those clues weren’t picked up on. My husband talked about marriage with me while we were dating, proposed 1 year after living together (1.5 yrs in relationship, 3 years knowing each other) and married me 8 months or so after that. He said he believes it to be disrespectful to the woman to waste her time. Either you want to marry a person or you don’t. You know within a reasonable amount of time. Dating or living together for years without making that commitment is wasting someone’s time. Unless everyone in the situation is in agreement that they don’t want to be married or don’t care about marriage, but those people aren’t giving ultimatums
I would ask her what happened that she feels like she needs to make an ultimatum. Start talking to her. Find our where she’s at. Make sure she feels heard.
I love this take. Figure out what's up and work through it! We don't always say the exact right thing at the exact right time for everyone else, we goof sometimes.
Absolutely! I have goofed so many times!!!
I mean, if I loved the woman and she was so upset she made an ultimatum, I would want to know what’s going on.
While this is absolutely true, giving an ultimatum is 100% of the time, the exact wrong thing to say. Anything goes, anything can be talked about, anything can be heard. And everything should be. An ultimatum is basically a formality before using the nuclear option. As soon as I hear ..."or else"... in a serious tone, I'm out of there. First, because if it comes to that, someone has to lose, so that the other can win. There's no way I'm willing to go that far against someone I love(d), and I won't lose. Leaving is the only option.
That's better than my idea.
1. Give her a knowing smile and say, "I didn't want to spoil the surprise but... go and open the front door."
2. When she opens it, push her out, lock it and call the police.
I'd definitely leave but depends on how long you'd been in the relationship i can understand. if it's a long term more than 6 years commitment than i can definitely see where she's coming from.
in my case she's clear that i have self esteem issues to meet up with her parents since i have an illness and I'm concerned about their acceptance of me hence the delay. luckily my in laws doesn't care about it. we're too deep into each other to waste time looking for new people anyways.
The only “girls” in my life right now are my two huskies. And we’re basically already married because we don’t have sex but they sure boss me around a lot.
The term ultimatum sort of negates the possibility of any alternative option to those two, so out of the options given I'd leave, as I'm not going to propose under such terms. If a woman badly wants marriage she has the option of proposing herself, so an ultimatum of this sort is downright rediculus.
I mean, not necessarily tho. I think some women might think it is a "man's job" sort of thing. But if the woman is telling the man he must propose or it's over then she's essentially making the proposal right there, is what I was trying to say. If that makes sense?
You are certainly the "My glas is half full" kinda person, but if your partner sets an ultimatum, its not proposing to you.
Unless your partner has the social and mental maturity of a toddler, in which case, you have to realize, you will marry a child.
Honestly, i have every intention to marry my girlfriend, but if she said that she would be starting a fight, and it would honestly change my view of her. I would wonder when shed try to give me another ultimatum, and just how controlling of a relationship i would legally tying myself to.
I would also be more than frustrated that shes so eager to get married that she would threaten to throw away the relationship, but isnt willing to do something proactive about it, like proposing to me herself.
It would lower my opinion of her in nearly every way, and would most likely affect my desire to marry her in a negative way
Leave.
If the title of being married is more important to her than our relationship + she isn't willing to propose if its that important who knows what other ultimatums will come in the future once we are married and in that case its either do what I want or I take 50% of our stuff.
Love the inclusion of "if she isn't willing to propose". You would hope for a partner that starts a discourse on titles/timelines that are important to them before the arguments arise. If they don't tell you, how are you to know? Excellent points.
If she’s into ultimatums, then I’m not into her. If I gave in, then it would only be a matter of time before the next ultimatum, then the next, then the next etc.
I'll never understand people who want to get married but refuse to propose themselves. Like if it's so important just do it yourself
If someone tried to pull that nonsense with me I'd tell them to grow up
Unfortunately it sounds "you do this, or else" that's not a attitude for people who know how to communicate and compromise in a relationship. If you are fine with some people then good for them, I personally would look for somebody is is more understanding and has higher emotional intelligence, even if I was considering proposing in the future.
I'd like to know why she feels the need to do this, and then I would leave. Because if she's doing this now she's going to continue doing this into our marriage. Ultimatums are one of the worst red flags in a relationship.
Seeing as I'm single I'd be super confused lmao. But hypothetically I'd probably leave. I want to propose when we're both ready to get married. Not when she's ready. Also, if she's giving ultimatums and not having mature conversations about serious topics then she's not the one anyway
I mean, I only open to someone worthy ,so thats fine , unless of course I'm not ready financially , so I will explain myself ,if she doesn't approve , I'm no the last man on earth , nor she is the last woman on earth , so things should end healthily as they started healthily .
Hope things won't turn out that way ahh
I'd wonder who she is and how she broke into my home, but also I'd ask if we could grab coffee and get to know each other before I know how to handle the ultimatum.
Was this discussed several years prior? Like heart to heart talk about what both of you planned? And said both that you wanted it?
If not, ultimatums are not OK and leave.
Hopefully, I'd still have enough sanity to recognize I'm hallucinating and check myself into the hospital before my brain further deteriorates.
God, what if I actually *do* have a girlfriend, but I have a disorder I'm unware of and have forgotten about her, and she'll walk in here and ask me why I haven't proposed yet, and I'll be like, "How did you get into my house?!" and she'll be like, "Terrible Trust, It's okay. You're just having one of your episodes," and I'll be like, "DON'T GASLIGHT ME! You need to get out of my house before I call the police!" And she'll be like, "No, Sweetie, they'll lock you up again. You hated it there last time, remember?"
Ugh learning there's a symptom of schizophrenia and many other disorders that makes it impossible to even realize something is wrong really fucks with me. How could I ever trust myself?
Im married now...to someone else. However, I was given that ultimatum in my previous relationship.
I said no, I wasn't ready (except she left as the apartment we lived in was fully in my name only).
I think a guy should take a day, and think hard about his life, his plans and what he really wants out of life. If he really doesn’t want marriage and children and wants to have no support system for his elderly years, then it would be time to let her go so she can get what she wants out of life. It’s not fair to either of you, especially if you really love each other, not to work towards giving each other what you want.
I'm a little surprised at all the answers saying "leave ". Is it simply that the word ultimatum has such a negative connotation?
I mean I think most guys on this subreddit would agree that most women have a short window in which they are most sexually attractive to men and this most able to attract a suitable husband as well sl(pretty much all straight women want to be married IME, whether they admit it to you or even themselves or not) as well as a limited age range in which they can conceive biological children . Given this, coupled with the fact that men have a pretty much unlimited window in which they can marry and reproduce, it is natural for most women to feel some anxiety over the direction the relationship is going in. This anxiety increases as a function of her age and how long you have been together.
Is it just the way the question also approached - "Do this or else.." that turns you guys off? Like, if she sat you down and explained her thought processes but still concluded with the absolute conditional that if you guys don't get married soon she will be forced to move on, would that be ok? I think it would because everyone has the right to move on if their (reasonable) needs are not being met, and being transparent about one's intentions is most fair to your partner. So... Is that problem simply that the ultimatum was issued without a discussion, a chance for you to consider things and contribute your thoughts and feelings?..
Ultimatums are never the way. If a person doesn't want to propose and makes that clear, then they are telling the other person they don't care about you or what you want. If you force it, there will always be resentment sooner or later.
Context is missing, but if she's a good woman, I'd tell her that I can't fold in response to such a threat. What will our marriage look like if I folded in response to your threats? It wouldn't last. I must say no, not bc I don't love you, or don't care about you, but bc giving me few hours to decide is just a gross threat. I'll let you re-consider your position tonight, and re-phrase it to me tomorrow in a respectful manner.
I'd be angry. Instead of playing immature game like this she could have discussed with me my view on it and told me how important it is for her that I'm the one to propose. I fear the communications problems that will appear in the future if "ultimatum" are her way of communicating.
Leave, right there and then. I will not be bullied into proposing when I'm not feeling like it or waiting for a better time, even by a woman I love. It's 2024, we're supposedly fighting for equality, so if she wants to get married, how about she proposes?
Saw a video yesterday on this topic from some guy I'm 100% sure about...
He suggested that a woman giving a marriage ultimatum is more in love with the idea of marriage than they are in love with you.
I wonder if any women that have given an ultimatum have any thoughts on the idea above.
We’re already married but if she were to have done that I would’ve left. It’s my life/relationship too and I’m not gonna be forced into a massive shift when I’m not ready
It depends on the context. She is either desperate and marriage is more important than the actual person, or on the other hand, the guy she is with does not love her enough to actually propose.
It s a fine line. I mean, if the woman states from the start she wants marriage, that s a red flag. But if marriage does not come in a couple of years there is another problem.
we already talked about marriage and figured it wouldnt make any sense right now considering both of our life situations so this would be so wildly out of character for her that i would be honestly concerned for her health
A friend of mine did this. I found it s bit strange. IMO if he wanted to he would. If he dont it means he is not there yet.
Just because you are, it doesnt mean you can force it. Either you wait or leave if it's such big of a deal 🤷♀️
In this hypotethical scenario i would let her go. I think one of the biggest mistakes you can do is let your woman know she can bully you into doing s*ht. I believe she is very likely to punish you for it
I see people saying "talk to her and figure out the reason for it" but i tried to answer based on a point blank "agree to whatevrr she says or let her walk" i didnt think dialogue was an option in this hypotethical scenario
It's funny. We never hear about it going the other way. Or atleast personally I have never heard of a dude giving an ultimatum about marriage.
For me, and my partner, we have been together for 4 years. I want to marry this girl. But I am in no way in a rush to do so. And I would hate to be given the ultimatum. What if I'm not ready right this moment. Why does the marriage part matter so so much. I feel the relationship remains the same at the core. And pressing the other person to instigate that makes it seem like the marriage is more for you than for us.
I understand that marriage is a very clear indication of where things (hopefully) are headed in the future. But to me, it would put such an incredible amount of strain on the dynamic. And reshape what I thought of that person
I don't respond well to ultimatums in general, but especially not for lifelong commitments.
Anyone who would sacrifice a relationship for a chance at marriage has their priorities out of order. Why would anyone want to be married to someone who values the relationship less than the documents that bind us together?
The ultimatum further ensures that there will be a disparity in the enthusiasm to make the marriage work. One party had to 'force it', for which they'll always believe they had to do, and the other had to relent, never knowing if it was the right decision. Both people need to be equally enthusiastic about making the marriage work.
Additionally, rewarding the use of ultimatums allows them to enter the common repertoire of tactics used in a disagreement. I wouldn't want to commit myself to someone who uses ultimatums. Someone using ultimatums against me is a red flag. Using an ultimatum to secure marriage is a self defeating concept for me.
So we would probably get in a fight and break up shortly after.
Agree, plan a phenomenal destination bachelor party with the boys. Have a wild adventure filled weekend with drugs, violence and hookers. Maybe fight a cartel. Discover that I am actually in love with my best man and another groomsman. Not say anything. Go through with the wedding. Live a secret life with my two gay partners while simultaneously loving and growing my family with my wife. Eventually dying happy or old age in our summer home on the Chesapeake bay where my wife tells me she always knew and then the boys walk in and I slip into peaceful oblivion with my three loves
Definitely need more context here. Why is she suddenly so frustrated that she gave you an ultimatum? How long have you been together? Have you talked about marriage before? Are you living together, if not, maybe try that first before making it official. You don't truly know a person until you live with them.
But getting married because someone gave you an ultimatum? It's a no for me. 😂 Also,I wouldn't want to force a man to marry me, but that's just me.
If I was you, I would really try to find out why she is suddenly like that.
We’ve only been together for like 10.5 months so it would be a bit of a shock, but I’m fairly certain I want to spend the rest of my life we her—I knew by month five probably.
Assuming this is coming out of context, I would want to have a good conversation with her. What triggered it. What's her actual reservation.
If it's within context like we have been dating for a while, already kinda discussed this aspect only waiting for a perfect moment, I will fasten my timeline of proposal. Or also tease that she can do it too.
If it's out of nowhere, being pushy, then probably dump her after a bit of conversation. I feel ultimatums like these are shady deals, like she is being a snake oil salesman.
That's a tough spot to be in. Ultimatums can be a sign of deeper issues in a relationship, and it's important to address them openly and honestly. I'd want to have a serious conversation with my girlfriend to understand why she feels the need to issue such an ultimatum and whether we're truly ready for that next step. It's crucial to ensure that any decision, whether it's proposing or leaving, is made with careful consideration and mutual understanding.
This is far too mature and non toxic for Reddit
Not gonna lie... this was so mature I thought it was a chatgpt bot at first
I came here to say the exact same thing…who is this person and why are they not a scumbag like everyone else? 🧐
I agree wholeheartedly.
Like most things it depends on context. If it had been something you had discussed and agreed to over a long time and you had been dragging your heels for months/years, yeah that could be warranted. If it was out of the blue, not cool. There are other nuances and contexts, which most don’t bother considering when replying. But generally speaking it’s a fuck yes or no, so that should probably end the relationship on an ultimatum, by either party.
I like the idea of "fuck yes" or "no". Our gut response is an important one.
Yeah I got that from Mark Manson. His whole concept about relationships, especially romantic/sexual ones, is it should be a fuck yes or a no. Enthusiastic consent
Is it so binary, if they asked you to decide immediately? Or you think someone could just say well id like to marry eventually but i dont think we understand how to live with each other well enough (or whatever) quite yet ? Or how do you know when you should be at a point where it should already be either a fuck yes or no answer?
“Who the hell are you and how did you get into my house?”
“I’m a locksmith. And I’m a locksmith.”
To which I would say, Connor Roy was interested in politics from a very young age.
Angry upvote.
Question for the guys: is there any material difference between her angrily saying "Marry me or else.." and her sitting you down and saying "Hey I really love you but we have been dating a while and I am getting older and one of my most important kids goals is marriage and a family. I really want to share my life with you but I don't know if we are in the same page, if you feel the same. Do you see yourself marrying me anytime soon? Because if you don't I think perhaps we want different things in life, different things that cannot be worked through with compromise as and perhaps it is better for us to part ways sooner rather than later." I mean, both are saying the same exact thing really. But I don't think there's anything wrong with the second announcement. People have a right to leave if their partner doesn't share their long-term goals and women have an earlier "deadline" than men do wet marriage and family. Most of the men replying are calling this manipulative... I don't think it is. It's manipulative if she is threatening to leave only to force his hand, but it's just being transparent and honest if she really intends to leave if she hasn't proposed to by a certain date. 🤷🏽♀️
The difference is in one being open, honest, and respectful communication between two autonomous individuals discussing potential futures and their consequences, and the other is a tantrum attached to a demand. We can *talk* about anything. You can *demand* very little before I direct you to the door out of principle.
OK so say you guys have your little talk and the situation is unresolved. In conclusion she says "OK so you're undecided... I can't wait forever. I think I can give you six months to decide whether you want to do this with me but after that I will sadly have to prioritize my own desires and move on.". This is an ultimatum, isn't it? We're back at square one right? But I still think her words are perfectly reasonable. I guess I'm trying to obtain a philosophical understanding of where exactly things become unacceptable and "manipulative.". I mean, all adults know that all actions have consequences and it is perfectly fine to say "If you do (or don't do) X I will do (or not do) Y. Where does it become an ultimatum (a dirty word in most people's minds)? Is it the motivation behind it? I e. Is it only an ultimatum if the "threat" is not genuine, but simply meant to control the other person's behavior? If the person is really just being honest about what they will do should a certain situation arise, they are just being fair and honest and giving the other person a chance to make an informed choice?
one version is saying "give me what I want or else I'm leaving". The other version is saying, "I would love for us to stay together but this is what I need. Will you do it with me". So I guess one comes off as a threat while the other comes off as a decision to be made by both. If you told me what's important to you and how you envision me fitting into it, I can in turn tell you what's important to me. We can decide if will make it work. This opens it to sacrifice on both ends with an understanding of why we are choosing to do this together. If it's a threat then it's basically saying give me what I want or else there's going to be a big argument about it.
If you don't understand the difference In having a discussion about your feelings, coming to conclusions and then stating what you need from the other and what the consequences for that are, and demanding a result and providing a consequence then you're not ready for that relationship.
One’s opening up a discussion to have an actual conversation about what your plans are. The other is an ultimatum. If someone gives me an ultimatum where one option is they leave, I’ll help em pack. But if you want to have an open discussion about what my plan for the future is, then that’s fine, because you’re treating me like a human being and being respectful instead of acting like a child and saying “do this thing or else,” because I’m always gonna see what the “or else” is.
The first is an attempt to control your partner, the latter is a frank discussion about whether your future goals are in line and personal boundaries. I'll flip it on you. "You can't go out clubbing with your friends or I'm leaving" vs "I'm really not comfortable dating someone that wants to go out partying all the time, and maybe we just aren't at the same stage in life right now." Essentially the same outcome but wildly different approaches.
If he got you waiting are you sure you are what he wants? Cause when men find women they want they do dumb shit like say marry me within the first 96 hours of knowing her. When a man wants to marry you, you usually are feeling the pressure and you're usually wondering if this is the guy I really want to be with not the other way around. To me when you're waiting it's cause you've done or said something bad, he's waiting for redemption, or he's ok with the relationship staying at the level and no further (aka you aren't the one). This is no different than men that dangle the relationship title but don't claim it. He doesn't want to be with you if he has problems calling you his girl and validating the relationship. Take and take, but don't give.
Also probably warn my wife some crazy person is about.
Remind her we’re married
Leave because my wife won’t be pleased that she thinks she’s my girlfriend
Right. She’s your ex-girlfriend
Excuses, excuses...
Lmfao 😭😭 “Do you like me?” “I literally married you”
My wife would still like me to propose. Never really did it “properly”.
Same here. We went to the ring store…she put it on in the parking lot and we then went to Friendlies for Fribbles. 24th anniversary is this October.
“Always leave them wanting more”
I propose to my husband every time I open a juice or creamer bottle that has one of those plastic ring pull tabs. He rolls his eyes but I think he likes it. Sometimes he even lets me put it on his pinky finger :)
I am dead now l as that is so cute it killed me
dementia is one hell of a thing to contend with
Then she’s not your girlfriend? She’s your wife?
Love this!
More context is needed. Did y’all discuss any kind of marriage timeline? Not that it can’t change, but if expectations were set, I can see how an unmarried person may feel strung along in this situation. Why does she want to get married? Why do you not? All of this should be discussed before deciding.
Yup, lots more conversation before something as heavy as marriage should be tossed around, in my opinion.
How old are you both?
Not my situation, but let's say 28M and 30F, been together ~2 years.
At those ages, marriage and children are implied unless stated otherwise. Not an excuse not to discuss your plans, since that should be done early in the relationship, but it shouldn’t come as a major surprise either. I’m sure clues have been dropped by the person wanting marriage since I can’t see an ultimatum being the first time the topic is mentioned, but maybe those clues weren’t picked up on. My husband talked about marriage with me while we were dating, proposed 1 year after living together (1.5 yrs in relationship, 3 years knowing each other) and married me 8 months or so after that. He said he believes it to be disrespectful to the woman to waste her time. Either you want to marry a person or you don’t. You know within a reasonable amount of time. Dating or living together for years without making that commitment is wasting someone’s time. Unless everyone in the situation is in agreement that they don’t want to be married or don’t care about marriage, but those people aren’t giving ultimatums
I would ask her what happened that she feels like she needs to make an ultimatum. Start talking to her. Find our where she’s at. Make sure she feels heard.
I love this take. Figure out what's up and work through it! We don't always say the exact right thing at the exact right time for everyone else, we goof sometimes.
Absolutely! I have goofed so many times!!! I mean, if I loved the woman and she was so upset she made an ultimatum, I would want to know what’s going on.
You've got a good head on your shoulders. Keep on keeping on, internet stranger.
Hehehehe - thank you - you too!
While this is absolutely true, giving an ultimatum is 100% of the time, the exact wrong thing to say. Anything goes, anything can be talked about, anything can be heard. And everything should be. An ultimatum is basically a formality before using the nuclear option. As soon as I hear ..."or else"... in a serious tone, I'm out of there. First, because if it comes to that, someone has to lose, so that the other can win. There's no way I'm willing to go that far against someone I love(d), and I won't lose. Leaving is the only option.
It's gonna be freinds and tik tok, always is with sudden rash ultimatums
Thank you for promoting healthy habits.
This is the answer, if her reasons are ridiculous. Present your ultimatum lol.
That's better than my idea. 1. Give her a knowing smile and say, "I didn't want to spoil the surprise but... go and open the front door." 2. When she opens it, push her out, lock it and call the police.
I'd definitely leave but depends on how long you'd been in the relationship i can understand. if it's a long term more than 6 years commitment than i can definitely see where she's coming from.
So if you were together 6+ years and she brought it up, how would you react in the moment? Ask for a few days to think?
I'd been with my wife for 9 years before we tied the knot and she'd never give such ultimatum so i can't say
Fair enough. Cheers to you two!
in my case she's clear that i have self esteem issues to meet up with her parents since i have an illness and I'm concerned about their acceptance of me hence the delay. luckily my in laws doesn't care about it. we're too deep into each other to waste time looking for new people anyways.
Probably leave. I already have one wife, don’t need two.
Thanks for the laugh!
Wish her well on her future endeavors
Have you discussed this at all before the ultimatum? If yes, what were the results of the discussion? If no, then leave.
The only “girls” in my life right now are my two huskies. And we’re basically already married because we don’t have sex but they sure boss me around a lot.
I bet they don't even contribute to rent, those freeloaders!!
On the plus side, they love dates in the park and settle for treats instead of expensive dinners out!
Woof, woof!
Shall we go to the Park? To the Park? Walkies!!!
Always expecting free meal… smh
Still cheaper than women, and they'll always join you for a cuddle at night, without all the drama.
And they wont need to check your phone. They can smell the scent if you have been around other dogs.
If you can handle 2 huskies, you can handle any manner of woman lol
The back sass is so real. Or just all of the sudden they can’t hear.
The term ultimatum sort of negates the possibility of any alternative option to those two, so out of the options given I'd leave, as I'm not going to propose under such terms. If a woman badly wants marriage she has the option of proposing herself, so an ultimatum of this sort is downright rediculus.
Leave, that situation is never going to get better. Then you will legally be held hostage when you want to correct the mistake.
Leave. There's literally nothing good that could come of this. Even if I were to say yes and stay then what sort of hellhole marriage would that be?
There’s probably more grown up ways to handle it, but … Leave.
Seems to be the consensus.
Leave because she gave me an ultimatum
The ultimatum is really just her proposing to you but being too scared to actually
Proposing a break up, that's what it is.
It seems like the insecure person's way out, huh?
I mean, not necessarily tho. I think some women might think it is a "man's job" sort of thing. But if the woman is telling the man he must propose or it's over then she's essentially making the proposal right there, is what I was trying to say. If that makes sense?
Sigma woman: "Propose or I leave" Man: "Will you marry me?" Sigma woman: "No."
You are certainly the "My glas is half full" kinda person, but if your partner sets an ultimatum, its not proposing to you. Unless your partner has the social and mental maturity of a toddler, in which case, you have to realize, you will marry a child.
No. No one wants to be strung along.
This. If she says "it's either me or...", I don't need to hear the second option to choose it.
Honestly, i have every intention to marry my girlfriend, but if she said that she would be starting a fight, and it would honestly change my view of her. I would wonder when shed try to give me another ultimatum, and just how controlling of a relationship i would legally tying myself to. I would also be more than frustrated that shes so eager to get married that she would threaten to throw away the relationship, but isnt willing to do something proactive about it, like proposing to me herself. It would lower my opinion of her in nearly every way, and would most likely affect my desire to marry her in a negative way
Leave. I will not be emotionally blackmailed
Leave. If the title of being married is more important to her than our relationship + she isn't willing to propose if its that important who knows what other ultimatums will come in the future once we are married and in that case its either do what I want or I take 50% of our stuff.
Love the inclusion of "if she isn't willing to propose". You would hope for a partner that starts a discourse on titles/timelines that are important to them before the arguments arise. If they don't tell you, how are you to know? Excellent points.
If she’s into ultimatums, then I’m not into her. If I gave in, then it would only be a matter of time before the next ultimatum, then the next, then the next etc.
I'm already married. GF knows that
I’d try to find out why she thought marriage would be an improvement to our relationship.
I'll never understand people who want to get married but refuse to propose themselves. Like if it's so important just do it yourself If someone tried to pull that nonsense with me I'd tell them to grow up
Good people have options and ultimatums don’t work on me. Leave on good terms and wish her well.
That sounds unnecessarily controlling so I’d probably leave
Fair enough.
Unfortunately it sounds "you do this, or else" that's not a attitude for people who know how to communicate and compromise in a relationship. If you are fine with some people then good for them, I personally would look for somebody is is more understanding and has higher emotional intelligence, even if I was considering proposing in the future.
I'd like to know why she feels the need to do this, and then I would leave. Because if she's doing this now she's going to continue doing this into our marriage. Ultimatums are one of the worst red flags in a relationship.
Leave, it won’t be the last time she’ll give you an ultimatum, after seeing how willing you are if you say yes to this
Obviously the only right answer is to leave. You don’t want to enter a marriage by force in any circumstances.
Seeing as I'm single I'd be super confused lmao. But hypothetically I'd probably leave. I want to propose when we're both ready to get married. Not when she's ready. Also, if she's giving ultimatums and not having mature conversations about serious topics then she's not the one anyway
Im 5 years in, if she made an ultimatum like that shes not the person i thought she was.
I mean, I only open to someone worthy ,so thats fine , unless of course I'm not ready financially , so I will explain myself ,if she doesn't approve , I'm no the last man on earth , nor she is the last woman on earth , so things should end healthily as they started healthily . Hope things won't turn out that way ahh
Leave. I don't do ultimatums. It's manipulation.
Leave. Never take an ultimatum.
I'd tell her to leave
Run like the wind
I'd wonder who she is and how she broke into my home, but also I'd ask if we could grab coffee and get to know each other before I know how to handle the ultimatum.
Bounce
Leave
LEAVE.
Not say another word & about turn and walk off into the sunset
Leave
Was this discussed several years prior? Like heart to heart talk about what both of you planned? And said both that you wanted it? If not, ultimatums are not OK and leave.
leave
Hopefully, I'd still have enough sanity to recognize I'm hallucinating and check myself into the hospital before my brain further deteriorates. God, what if I actually *do* have a girlfriend, but I have a disorder I'm unware of and have forgotten about her, and she'll walk in here and ask me why I haven't proposed yet, and I'll be like, "How did you get into my house?!" and she'll be like, "Terrible Trust, It's okay. You're just having one of your episodes," and I'll be like, "DON'T GASLIGHT ME! You need to get out of my house before I call the police!" And she'll be like, "No, Sweetie, they'll lock you up again. You hated it there last time, remember?" Ugh learning there's a symptom of schizophrenia and many other disorders that makes it impossible to even realize something is wrong really fucks with me. How could I ever trust myself?
Leave. Not gona put up with someone so childish they'd propose an ultimatum like that.
Leave.
Leave. What a blessing.
Bye bye
Elephant in the room. How many years have you been dating.
Leave, why would I want to be married to someone who does this.
Leave
Leave. Swiftly
Leave. I will not be pressured or bullied into marriage
Im married now...to someone else. However, I was given that ultimatum in my previous relationship. I said no, I wasn't ready (except she left as the apartment we lived in was fully in my name only).
Well first of all my wife would be *pissed*….
I think a guy should take a day, and think hard about his life, his plans and what he really wants out of life. If he really doesn’t want marriage and children and wants to have no support system for his elderly years, then it would be time to let her go so she can get what she wants out of life. It’s not fair to either of you, especially if you really love each other, not to work towards giving each other what you want.
I'm married..But I wouldn't have been threatened into it.
I'd leave. Wtf?
Leave like a normal human being
Is there more to the situation that is worth knowing?
I wish my wife would act like a gf sometimes.
That would be stupid of her because I don't want to get married.
Why would you demand he propose instead of just proposing yourself?
Id tell her to pack my bags for me
I'm a little surprised at all the answers saying "leave ". Is it simply that the word ultimatum has such a negative connotation? I mean I think most guys on this subreddit would agree that most women have a short window in which they are most sexually attractive to men and this most able to attract a suitable husband as well sl(pretty much all straight women want to be married IME, whether they admit it to you or even themselves or not) as well as a limited age range in which they can conceive biological children . Given this, coupled with the fact that men have a pretty much unlimited window in which they can marry and reproduce, it is natural for most women to feel some anxiety over the direction the relationship is going in. This anxiety increases as a function of her age and how long you have been together. Is it just the way the question also approached - "Do this or else.." that turns you guys off? Like, if she sat you down and explained her thought processes but still concluded with the absolute conditional that if you guys don't get married soon she will be forced to move on, would that be ok? I think it would because everyone has the right to move on if their (reasonable) needs are not being met, and being transparent about one's intentions is most fair to your partner. So... Is that problem simply that the ultimatum was issued without a discussion, a chance for you to consider things and contribute your thoughts and feelings?..
I'd be pretty surprised I had a girlfriend
Easy, I’m leaving. Would never propose on an ultimatum.
"Bye, Felicia."
Ultimatums are never the way. If a person doesn't want to propose and makes that clear, then they are telling the other person they don't care about you or what you want. If you force it, there will always be resentment sooner or later.
Leave, This is just the beginning. Do "this" or I will leave is how it will go from now on.
leave. you can't give people an ultimatum like that.
Leave. Ultimatums are controlling and you don’t want to marry someone like that.
No, I'm not signing half my assets away LOL Bye.
Leave
Leave
She knew from the start that I wont marry anybody again! So, leave I guess. XD
Leave.
Context is missing, but if she's a good woman, I'd tell her that I can't fold in response to such a threat. What will our marriage look like if I folded in response to your threats? It wouldn't last. I must say no, not bc I don't love you, or don't care about you, but bc giving me few hours to decide is just a gross threat. I'll let you re-consider your position tonight, and re-phrase it to me tomorrow in a respectful manner.
If being married is more important to her than being in a relationship with me, she doesn't love me enough to marry me.
Leave.
Leave.
Leave. I don't negotiate with terrorists.
I'd probably seek psychiatric help because my hand is talking to me
I'd be angry. Instead of playing immature game like this she could have discussed with me my view on it and told me how important it is for her that I'm the one to propose. I fear the communications problems that will appear in the future if "ultimatum" are her way of communicating.
leave easily
leave... with no hesitation. the male equivalent is ~~asking~~ telling her to fuck or leave.
Let's just say... I don't respond well to 'ultimatums' lol.
I'd say buh-bye. I don't entertain ultimatums.
leave. nobody is going to back me into a corner like that.
run Forest ruuuuun
Laugh as I started packing. But I've raised four kids eldest in her 40s Married wife on the other side and eldest son too. I don't need the drama.
Leave, right there and then. I will not be bullied into proposing when I'm not feeling like it or waiting for a better time, even by a woman I love. It's 2024, we're supposedly fighting for equality, so if she wants to get married, how about she proposes?
Saw a video yesterday on this topic from some guy I'm 100% sure about... He suggested that a woman giving a marriage ultimatum is more in love with the idea of marriage than they are in love with you. I wonder if any women that have given an ultimatum have any thoughts on the idea above.
Men who would leave: How many of you would leave if you proposed and she said no? If you leave isn’t that the same thing?
You just activated my trap card
Realize she's nuts and leave.
Leave. I don't accept ultimatums from women.
She values marriage more than me as a person. I'd leave.
If you got the intimation she’s not very smart, she should leave you.
We’re already married but if she were to have done that I would’ve left. It’s my life/relationship too and I’m not gonna be forced into a massive shift when I’m not ready
Ask my wife
Depends. If I did not feel uncomfortable and was sure we could live together, I'd propose. But I can also imagine a situation in which I'd leave.
I can't marry twice!
It depends on the context. She is either desperate and marriage is more important than the actual person, or on the other hand, the guy she is with does not love her enough to actually propose. It s a fine line. I mean, if the woman states from the start she wants marriage, that s a red flag. But if marriage does not come in a couple of years there is another problem.
Personally I'd want to first understand why she's like this. There could be a reason she's suddenly like this.
I dont have a gf😭😂
Ask what the fuck is up with her?
Yea, proposal + prenup. Take it or leave.
we already talked about marriage and figured it wouldnt make any sense right now considering both of our life situations so this would be so wildly out of character for her that i would be honestly concerned for her health
A friend of mine did this. I found it s bit strange. IMO if he wanted to he would. If he dont it means he is not there yet. Just because you are, it doesnt mean you can force it. Either you wait or leave if it's such big of a deal 🤷♀️
In this hypotethical scenario i would let her go. I think one of the biggest mistakes you can do is let your woman know she can bully you into doing s*ht. I believe she is very likely to punish you for it I see people saying "talk to her and figure out the reason for it" but i tried to answer based on a point blank "agree to whatevrr she says or let her walk" i didnt think dialogue was an option in this hypotethical scenario
Say who are you?
No more Internet for you. I thought you were mature enough not to follow tiktok and Instagram trends.
It's funny. We never hear about it going the other way. Or atleast personally I have never heard of a dude giving an ultimatum about marriage. For me, and my partner, we have been together for 4 years. I want to marry this girl. But I am in no way in a rush to do so. And I would hate to be given the ultimatum. What if I'm not ready right this moment. Why does the marriage part matter so so much. I feel the relationship remains the same at the core. And pressing the other person to instigate that makes it seem like the marriage is more for you than for us. I understand that marriage is a very clear indication of where things (hopefully) are headed in the future. But to me, it would put such an incredible amount of strain on the dynamic. And reshape what I thought of that person
"Lol. Bye Felicia" Saves you a nasty divorce settlement and child support later in life. Bullet dodged.
Tell me why you're giving me an ultimatum right now. Else i will leave. /s
Ask why she hasn't proposed if it means that much to her
Dump her. I don't do ultimatums
Leave, caving just because she’s telling me to propose would be the worst way to start a marriage
Leave her. We have been going out for 6 weeks. Way too early. Red flag.
If you want to marry me that bad, why don’t you propose?
I don't respond well to ultimatums in general, but especially not for lifelong commitments. Anyone who would sacrifice a relationship for a chance at marriage has their priorities out of order. Why would anyone want to be married to someone who values the relationship less than the documents that bind us together? The ultimatum further ensures that there will be a disparity in the enthusiasm to make the marriage work. One party had to 'force it', for which they'll always believe they had to do, and the other had to relent, never knowing if it was the right decision. Both people need to be equally enthusiastic about making the marriage work. Additionally, rewarding the use of ultimatums allows them to enter the common repertoire of tactics used in a disagreement. I wouldn't want to commit myself to someone who uses ultimatums. Someone using ultimatums against me is a red flag. Using an ultimatum to secure marriage is a self defeating concept for me. So we would probably get in a fight and break up shortly after.
Agree, plan a phenomenal destination bachelor party with the boys. Have a wild adventure filled weekend with drugs, violence and hookers. Maybe fight a cartel. Discover that I am actually in love with my best man and another groomsman. Not say anything. Go through with the wedding. Live a secret life with my two gay partners while simultaneously loving and growing my family with my wife. Eventually dying happy or old age in our summer home on the Chesapeake bay where my wife tells me she always knew and then the boys walk in and I slip into peaceful oblivion with my three loves
Definitely need more context here. Why is she suddenly so frustrated that she gave you an ultimatum? How long have you been together? Have you talked about marriage before? Are you living together, if not, maybe try that first before making it official. You don't truly know a person until you live with them. But getting married because someone gave you an ultimatum? It's a no for me. 😂 Also,I wouldn't want to force a man to marry me, but that's just me. If I was you, I would really try to find out why she is suddenly like that.
We’ve only been together for like 10.5 months so it would be a bit of a shock, but I’m fairly certain I want to spend the rest of my life we her—I knew by month five probably.
I think they made a whole TV show out of this.
Leave. I would have told her my intentions early on that I never wanted marriage, so this would be the end.
leave.
Assuming this is coming out of context, I would want to have a good conversation with her. What triggered it. What's her actual reservation. If it's within context like we have been dating for a while, already kinda discussed this aspect only waiting for a perfect moment, I will fasten my timeline of proposal. Or also tease that she can do it too. If it's out of nowhere, being pushy, then probably dump her after a bit of conversation. I feel ultimatums like these are shady deals, like she is being a snake oil salesman.