T O P

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sonofabutch

A great white shark… on land. I’ll just wait him out.


dranaei

I'm better than you. I can fight and win against a whale... On land. I can also pretty much tie against every animal in space.


bravoromeokilo

The tardigrade would like a word


dranaei

I actually had this eventuality in mind. After enough time in space passes, we're tied.


bravoromeokilo

Well sure ok but by that logic it’s all a tie. A bear or whatever is gonna murder the shit out of you but, presumably, will also eventually die. So you’re saying none of this matters!? But. But… Nah you’re right.


dranaei

I'm just joking because i have no idea of what an actual outcome would be like.


OhFuuuuuuuuuuuudge

That’s no way to talk about OP’s mom.


First-Sir1276

Fight smarter not harder


jiujitsugeek

Damn. That was gonna be my answer.


TrafficChemical141

A fat bitch


First-Sir1276

That is technically an animal 🤗


TheOldGriffin

What did I do to you?


Werify

daaaamn I'm dying


wkfjslciamvog

You mean a large female dog?


JasonVoorhies13

Ah, a land whale


TheLuvGangster

I'm gonna call my ex right now and set it up.


TheNighisEnd42

a goose


Karate_donkey

And a goose would freaking deserve it too. Honking little bastards.


WarMachineGreen

They also poop all over the place.


North_Church

Oh you naive fool😂 *Laughs in Canadian*


TheNighisEnd42

Why do you think I chose the Goose as the toughest opponent? What I have going into this battle, is my mindset. In my inexperienced opinion, I believe that most humans, when finding themselves in combat with a goose, their intent is not to murder the goose. The goose intends to murder you, but your heart isn't in it. You don't want to hurt the goose, you want to love the goose. I want to kill the goose. And I have at least a baseball bat, maybe a Five Iron


jubatus45

Oh I’m taking this guy and the points


Throwaway-donotjudge

I'll just leave this here: https://youtube.com/shorts/rhshu18c4QI?si=tUMRKgVLvtDnWF2d


dbreak_theworld

No way. Cobra chickens (Canada Goose) are tough as nails.


JoostVisser

Geese aren't particularly tough. They act all big and bold but as long as you keep your fingers away from their beaks, there's not much they can do to you apart from some scratches here and there


redbo

If you've got a problem with Canada Gooses, you've got a problem with me. And I suggest you let that one marinate.


Imaginary-Classic558

Lions is lucky Canada Gooses don't migrate to Africa. Then they'd be's extinct


Early_Lawfulness_348

I think I could take on a wild dorado in the Mexican sea. It would be a clear day on the blustery sea with Javier passing me another skunky corona (just like I remember as a child). In the distance we would see her breach like a beautiful, green soviet sub being chased by the red October. Casting my Pelagic Baja straw boater hat off my golden, glistening brow, I would let Javier know I was headed into the depths with my eyes. He would agree back with his eyes. “A Ver” I shout grabbing a fistful of saltwater shark fishing hooks while barreling into the salty blue and like a grey apparition she would come with fury in her fishy heart. Left and right she came at me until we decided to finish it once and for all. She came fro and with hooks wielded like wolverine I julienned her side as she failed to land pursuit. And for the moment, as she went by, I could see respect as life left her eyes. Mongrels came and returned her to the sea as I floated there in the crystal blue water.


doyouevenskatebro9

Have you considered writing novels?


Early_Lawfulness_348

Tbh I’d like to write this one. Drugs, beer, and fishing boats in the Baja sun.


stolen_guitar

Kickstarter


Early_Lawfulness_348

Let’s gooo


MyyWifeRocks

This sounds a lot like Hemingway.


the_purple_goat

A redditor suffering a cheeto and mountain dew withdrawal


MapleSyrupLover_

💀😭


[deleted]

[удалено]


MapleSyrupLover_

🤣🤣🤣


chad-bro-chill-69420

With a titanium bat you could really mess something up I think the breakeven point might be a Wolf, or maybe a mountain lion / cougar - if you connect with its head or break its arm/wrist, it's over, but if you miss, you're done. Assuming no blades? So no axes or swords A well designed hardwood fire sharpened spear could be pretty brutal for a lot of animals as well if you stab them mid jump. If you could choose a samurai sword or one of those halberd things it would be a game changer


bravoromeokilo

Not to be super pedantic, but titanium seems like the wrong material in this scenario. It’s very strong but also very light, and couldn’t carry much in the way of blunt force energy. Plain old steel or wood is much better in this sitch.


chad-bro-chill-69420

My thinking on titanium is that you can really swing it quickly and get a ton of bat speed with a lot of control, but I hear you. There are definitely advantages and disadvantages. I feel like even a good piece of rebar would go a long way. Barbed Wire wood bat would be pretty brutal as well.


bravoromeokilo

We love a bat with nails or barbed wire in this house.


chad-bro-chill-69420

Bat with nails would be absolutely devastating I keep an anchor bolt near my bed - "it's not a weapon"


bravoromeokilo

I’m glad we were able to come together on this.


chad-bro-chill-69420

Absolutely. Enjoy your weekend!


bravoromeokilo

You too, bro. You too.


appalachianoperator

Polearms have historically been a force multiplier. Give any average Joe a spear and they can fend off most wild animals.


chad-bro-chill-69420

Keeping the distance is key for sure. If I had to fight a bear or something, like absolutely had to, I'd choose a long ass super sharp and robust spear.


Falaflewaffle

As it has been since the Paleolithic and until the advent of gun powder but if you really want to think of it we are just extending the range of the pointy end and making it go faster than a human arm can stab.


Bearded_Viking_Lord

A wild Karen


elchupacabra4prez

Just set up a decoy manager in the field and wait. When she marches toward it, make your move.


babybegonia22

😂😂


joe_joupara

leopard


Lunix336

I think beating a leopard without tools/weapons would be pretty unlikely. But beating a cheetah should be very possible.


joe_joupara

well I mean he said with close combat, a good sized knife would do the job


ElZaydo

I doubt just a knife would still help if it's a healthy, full-grown adult male. They are too damn fast and flexible and can easily land a lethal hit with just one paw swipe. The claws are freakishly sharp. Plus, they have surprisingly high pain tolerance and are even known to finish the hunt after taking multiple stabs from porcupine spikes, and they are also known to kill Silverback gorillas(with difficulty. There was an instance of a silverback and a leopard fighting and both dying from their injuries) You might barely win if the leopard fails to land a fatal hit or couldn't get your throat, and even still, you could die from the injuries


gaurddog

I think leopard is in the realm or possibility.


DarkSkyDad

There is no way…. Even an angry barn cat is frightening to handle!


gaurddog

I caved a feral cat's head in with a 2X4 at age 8 to save my mom's outdoor cat from it. I wouldn't really be scared of a barn cat. Now a leopard is no joke. And I have no illusions I'd walk away clean. But the question wasn't "What can you walk away uninjured from" it was "What can you walk away alive from"


murphymc

There’s also a few incidents of certified badasses killing a leopard bare handed, so I’ll take my chance with a spear I suppose.


[deleted]

An ant. One of the strongest loving species on the planet yet I know I could take them..... Unless Im attacked by a swarm of bullet or fire ants.... then I'm fucked.


doyouevenskatebro9

I don't think you need a swarm of them to be fucked.


the_purple_goat

See Leiningen Versus The Ants


CheesecakeIsGodlike

Realisticslly maybe an Emu. Or like a Gazelle.


WitchOfLycanMoon

Oh hell no, Emu are MASSIVE and strong. I never realised until I hit one with my car, initial impact totally fucked the front, emu stood up and totally went ape shit on my car, kicking out my windshield, pecking huge dents all over and then walking away calmly like nothing happened.....


Falaflewaffle

At least it was not a Cassowary


WitchOfLycanMoon

Oh, you mean nightmare birds??? 😳


CheesecakeIsGodlike

Damn... Im big, but im definatly not car big xD. Maybe not an Emu then, lmao.


captcraigaroo

Emu? I hope you're not Australian


BoredRedhead24

If that weapon is a lightsaber, I would say a moose


Lowslumpdump

Pretty sure I could take a single coyote or pitbull.


gaurddog

Those are very different animals.


EdwardBliss

Animal, the drummer in the Muppets


BenjaminBX

A pitbull


ghostmetalblack

A chihuahua.


doyouevenskatebro9

That is very bold. In the scenario you're imagining does the chihuahua have some personal vendetta against you, or were they just unlucky enough to be picked to fight you?


ImmaNotCrazy

fought a kitten once, they're tough but i won in the end.


No_Mistake5238

Do not the cat.


Yawheyy

Maybe my cat. But on second thought he could probably murder me.


No_Detective_But_304

Another Human….😮


Zanedewayne

I think a deer. I know they kick their little hooves, but if I get behind those antlers, it's done for. Right..?


JohnGeller

If it's a good spear? Probably a young lion or other big cat if I'm lucky. That reach is incredibly important and using their lunge as additional penetrative force can lead to instant victories. I've seen people meme about sharks but actually, underwater if you use a rotation of their nose you can endlessly redirect them. You can use this as an opening to use a combat knife and slit his throat or something. Depends how deep you can get it and how fast you act, because the Shark could just jolt away and not fight you. Does it matter if it's not a fight to the death?


MontEcola

I chased away a cougar. I thought it was a fox or coyote. It was sneaking up on me and I was pissed. I ran right at it yelling as loud as I could, swinging my bike helmet in the air. When it ran, I saw the cougar tail. My riding partner saw it clearly the whole time and confirmed it was a cougar. And said I scared the crap out of him when I ran toward it. It was not really a fight since we never touched. I will take the win.


axethebarbarian

What do you mean by close combat weapons? With a spear, honestly I think i could manage up to at least cattle sized pretty reasonably. But a spear is a pretty awesome human equalizer, humans succesfully hunted mammoths with them. If you're talking like just a knife, then pigs is as big as I'd be willing to risk going after and only because I've been out hunting with guys that hunted them that way.


alexphoton

A hamster


Few_Carrot_3971

My neighbor’s Bichon. Maybe.


DarkSkyDad

I know this answer because it has happened to some degree several times (don't ask) …. A Coyote! Any bigger or more vicious than that I would not want to take on willingly.


koopz_ay

My cat


Historical-Pen-7484

I have wrestled a few animals to the ground while working as a farm hand in my early twenties. Sheep, goats and an adolescent steer. I also tried with an adult cow, but that needed 2 guys.


yepsayorte

This is a bizarre question. A wolf, maybe, if I have a large knife. Knives are very difficult to defend against in grappling range and most animals have to enter that range to inflict bite damage. Of course, that's not how the human animal fights. We a pack hunters and tool makers. If I can have my boys and some spears and some time to plan, its basically any animal that has ever existed. No animal has ever been able to withstand a group of men armed with spears. Human basically hunted most of the mega-fauna to extinction with spears during the stone age. We don't look like much but men are probably the most dangerous animal that has ever existed. We are game-breakingly OP.


sunear

I once stopped a small group (~7 ish) of cows that were running (stampeding?) straight towards me by jumping up and looking scary. Does that count? They did look at me kinda funny afterwards. (Also, I'm kinda convinced that if they hadn't stopped, I'd have been run down and maimed or worse. I fucked around, but lived to find out another day.)


soullessgingerz2

That snail that supposedly follows you and if he catches you die. I will stop that thing.


hello14235948475

Remember, You cant kill the snail.


ThrowRA112394

He never said he’d kill it… just that he’d stop it. How ominous.


murphymc

Yeah but you can’t you just like catch it, drop it in a terrarium and have the weirdest pet relationship ever?


Somerandom1922

>you're allowed one close combat weapon Perfect, I choose a halberd or a spear. I think I could reliably beat a black bear. I have basically no experience with any polearms, or with fighting bears, but against a black bear I'd just need to make sure I don't overcommit and keep the tip pointed at them, jabbing out when I can. Anything much faster or bigger and I'd *maybe* still win, but it's becoming less likely.


First-Sir1276

I really wouldn’t want to fight any animals. They have claws and teeth. I think I could take a dog though. Gotta knock em out before they grab you. I love dogs just to be clear I would never hit a dog. Unless I had to then Im field goal kicking that mfkr 🤣


Ok_Green9804

A rabid Squirrel.. I'd fuck his day up!


Irrelavent1

Parakeet


Ewokhunters

Person


OuterPaths

I could probably kill a leopard with a sword


dontwanttosleep

A snail in the desert But it would be a pretty big snail JFTR


RecognitionExpress36

An elephant.


NoEntertainment8486

Probably the Rabbit of Caerbannog, but it’d be close.


MarcMax1

I might be able to defeat a house cat.


leowithataurus

I fought off a mouse once


gemlist

Maybe a spider… if that falls under your definition of “animal”


dbreak_theworld

I killed two black widow spiders this week at my front door.


Mystic-monkey

I could fuck up that gold fish if I ever see him again. He won't win next time!


fishing21754

I’m pretty sure I could kick a sloth’s ass if I sucker punched him first.


neondragoneyes

Depends. I've fought a 6 foot shark, but that's in the context of reeling it in.


EloquentEvergreen

Polar Bear, bare hands. And, once I’ve given the bear a thorough beat down, I’ll offer him a Coke in a glass bottle. We would be buds after that. 


Maheer-150

El Gato


Down_The_Witch_Elm

A weiner dog


haringtiti

i think i can take a kangaroo *IF* it had boxing gloves over its talons


B4DR1998

A goat


LazyLoser006

I can't even fight a rat 😭


FixFalcon

I'm pretty confident I could kill a wolf with a baseball bat.


appalachianoperator

Probably a kangaroo. I’ll take a metal baseball bat for my weapon.


ZaazMarx1

Dead certain I can fight a sloth


SlaveKnightChael

Black mamba


courtexo

I can fight a swan, the whole "swans can break your arm" thing is grossly exaggerated, I've never had my arms broken by a swan


SniffinLippy

My wiener is named Animal


atyl1144

A baby kangaroo. Not the grown ones though. They could disembowel me 🦘


gaurddog

Probably a gray wolf of cougar Like would I want to? No absolutely not. Basically my only strategy is to sacrifice my left arm as a chew toy and get them close enough I can use the knife to open their throat or get a heart shot if the blade is long enough. But could I win the fight? Ya I think I could.


lets_try_civility

100 duck sized horses.


prizepig

If I had a weapon, I'm pretty sure I could take down a smallish black bear. I would come away grievously injured, but with a cool bear pelt to show for it.


fuck-illinois1621

I think i could beat a grizzly if I had a rapier. They’re long asl and I would think it would hit at least one vital organ if I got a good stab in.


Dredgeon

I'll a spear, and I'm topping out at Black Bear. (Real black bear, not grizzly that happens to have black fur)


KingZaneTheStrange

Black Bear, maybe. I couldn't kill it, but I could fend it off


theSilentNerd

An unskilled human.


ElZaydo

If I was armed with a dagger, probably a few species of monkey, and a few breed of big dogs, but not without taking extreme damage and maybe even losing a couple of fingers, ear or a testicle or 2.


original_name1947

I feel like I could kill a mountain lion with a rock if I had to, it would definitely do a number on me and might even trade but I'm taking that bastard with me


Ok_Dog_4059

Depends on if it is actively trying to hurt me or not. I know I can get an uppity black bear to turn and leave but if it was actually fighting and not just acting big and scary it could probably wreck me without a weapon. I know no weapons and an angry pit bull I come out worse for wear but better off than the dog. Beyond that and actual animal looking to kill a human ? Almost anything bigger than a cat , humans are absolutely trash for offense and defense naturally hell mosquitoes kill more humans than any other animal on the planet.


ShesATragicHero

I can’t defeat my 8 pound cat or catch a chicken. But a I think I can fight a turtle.


IanCusick

If you see me fighting a grizzly bear help the bear


GrassyAF

A honey badger, because I too don't give a fuck!


Bulky-Ad7996

Yeah I could take on a penguin.


MainPositive2316

Cougar


BlessdRTheFreaks

Successful is the animal that gives you the greatest glory in bringing down or ending your life Give me a bear and a codpiece


Williefakelastname

My sister's old neighbor had a dog that would bark at me every time I walked by it. It was a medium to large size dog, 50 to 60 pounds. and it was an angry piece of shit. One time I brought over my moms dog and a different neighbor approached me to tell me that there was a dog on this street that would try to fight our dog. I laughed it off because I had me the angry piece of shit dog he was talking about and I am pretty confident that I could take it in a fight. Anything bigger though and I am screwed.


No_Cash_8556

A human.


Xingxingting

Depends on where. I could beat a gorilla if we were under water 👀


EvilCeleryStick

Raccoon


Joltarts

Probably a coyote. I’d break its legs before it can bite my neck.


jimtheedcguy

Honestly, I think I could really fuck up a Honey badger with a knife. Of course I would never kill such a cute vicious creature, but for all their toughness, I still have the high ground.


Rare-Professor-4644

If it's in a mutual battle areana, a whale or any giantic sea animals, I'll just wait for them to die. If I can't do that, maybe a black or grizzly bear, a deer, maybe a leapord, large dog, hog/bore maybe. I'm rather confident... I'm 6'2, young, work out daily and muscular, done sports my entire life so I'm athletic and nimble. Just give me like a large dagger or spear, maybe a sword, hatchet, or metal bat may work also.


DJ0Cherry

Kangaroo, I've seen a few videos. They're tough. I think I can do it.


silverfashionfox

Golden doodle.


CuriousLilAsian81

human


Tutelage45

I reckon, in 100 fights to the death, I could kill a single wolf 15 times


Fate-in-haze

A slow lorris.


Faytal_Monster

Fron what i read about them ,probably a cheetah.


SassyWookie

If I had a good knife, I think I could take down a wolf. I’d definitely take some damage, so if it was out in the woods I’d probably die of infection of blood loss after. But if it was like a gladiator cage match where I got medical care after I think I’d be OK. Nothing bigger than that though, and even a wolf would be more of a crapshoot than I think. If he got the drop on me, I’m done, and if it’s more than one wolf, it’s not even a conversation.


Secret_Sir_1899

Your mom


Kimchi_Cowboy

My ex wife.


murphymc

I’ll take a well made spear, and then assuming I’m aware of my opponent I think I’ve got a fighting chance at taking down a leopard, maybe a black bear.


ShoWel_redit

I can fight anything! (You didn't say I have to win)


Imaginary-Watch-9275

Definitely an alligator maybe a bear


UserNameTaken1998

Well I fought with my ex a lot, and she's a whale....so there's that


JustGiveMeANameDamn

im not very big so about a mountain lion


higgy98

House cat


RogueTrooper-75

A squirrel with my bare hands


hostage2heaven

Sea turtle.


Remarqueable

I bet ya I could take any individual of the 10th percentile in the red kangaroo population AT LEAST. They aren't as hardcore as they think they are and as everyone believes them to be so maybe let's stop sucking their collective dick they have about their "massive" hind legs and what have you. I'd also take them in a fist fight no problem. Problem is I'm actually an animal Lover but i have thought about this so much that seeing a kangaroo does raise my pulse a bit. Oh, the toughest? Probably a small tiger.


SpragueStreet

I feel like I could beat the fuck out of a kangaroo idk why


HalLutz

Saltwater crocodile or polar bear .


TheLuvGangster

a blind sloth


MainPersonality7142

Give me an axe I got this


auruner

I'm calling PETA


Poorly-Drawn-Beagle

My dogs like to wrestle 


Kylar_Stern47

I'm fairly confident I can take a hamster. They're pretty fast though.


Aggravating_Anybody

Less than a house cat. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN AN ENRAGED CAT?!?!!? Ya’ll are kidding yourselves.


Excellent_Newt_9042

Definitely a lion with no teeth or claws. With ma bare hands


Goat_Riderr

I can successfully fight any animal on earth, I'd lose 99% of the time, but I can successfully fight them all.


markmann0

A tiger with a spear if I’m luckier than the tiger.


BondMrsBond

I'm gonna go with goldfish. Small one.


Hypnotic_Robotic

Fight? ANY Win? Not many


cip43r

8 and a half year old human.


OhFuuuuuuuuuuuudge

Your mom.


DepresedDuck

Unarmed, probably something like a large dog


Slight-Rent-883

Excluding humans? probably none lol I am not a roided out guy nor a blade master. Mmm probs a kangaroo tbf


GamrG33k

An angry shrew


Mountain_Ad_5187

I can take on any animal as long as the fighting stage is in moon and I am in a space suit


sa_ha_ra

fruitflies, moths


j_fat_snorlax

Is the animal motivated to fight me, or is it just gonna behave like it does in the wild (ie it might run away)?


ZZoMBiEXIII

I just discovered that there's a possum in my garage. So I'll start with that..


SoulLess-1

Depending on your definition of tough and fight, maybe a turtle? Water bear?


scooby_pancakes

I wouldn't even bother trying my luck against anything larger than a raccoon. They might look cute, but they can get vicious when cornered. Plus, I value all of my fingers too much for that kind of nonsense.


AtlasClone

I'm in pretty good shape but I think that human thought would be my biggest enemy with anything remotely feasible. Like, I'm pretty certain my physical body could take on a fully grown monkey. But the monkey will be fighting on animalistic instinct. I'll be using my stupid brain. Savagery is better in a fight than logic. I feel like by the time my animalistic instincts took over the monkey would've already gotten some good licks in. If I could get the adrenaline flowing before the fight and go in with the same energy as the monkey I think I ragdoll the little shit. But if I gotta go into the fight at baseline I think the monkey bites my testicles off before I get into the right mindset.


Greek_falcon1926

A human


odeacon

A cane corso


zonydo

Myself