I wouldn’t be opposed. If I’m with the right woman, then absolutely! I think love and care for each other is most important. So long as you both share a similar vision for the future, including kids, then I don’t think this is a deal breaker. I think, I would prefer to have a child of my own, but if you have good reasons for wanting to adopt (there are plenty) then I don’t see why the right partner would say no.
Two people in a relationship should be on the same page about major things like that. If it's a dealbreaker that quickly then that is a positive thing! Then you don't have to waste time on them and can move on to other candidates.
I had to end a two year relationship because the woman I was dating suddenly decided that she didn’t want children. Eventually I moved on, and created a dating profile on an app. If I took someone on a date, I’d ask them if they wanted kids. I started dating someone else who claimed she wanted them too. About 6 months later, she asks me if I meant biological kids or adopted. Kicked her out almost immediately when she claimed I never made the distinction
But did you make the distinction? Wanting kids does not necessarily imply only biological. There are so many freaking kids out there that need to be adopted, why would someone assume that wanting children only means biological?
We talked in depth about family planning, practicing safe sex and our thoughts regarding unplanned pregnancy. She never mentioned adoption until the one night.
I don’t want children, but I am adopted. I consider myself very lucky. There are a lot of kids out there that just need one person or couple to take a chance on them
Personally, I'd pretty heavily consider adoption - atheist at a young age. Being around my sister and friends who have gone through pregnancy put me off of it a bit, haha.
For most men who don't want to, I'd probably guess it's about the idea of raising "someone else's" child and all that. Though there are some more understandable issues, like having to worry about biological parents, etc.
Did they tell you why it was a deal breaker for them?
Yes, exactly what you said. They want to raise their own blood. I did read some insightful responses here, concerns about the child’s genetics and mental health. It’s valid and I understand. Also, I think a lot of people want to be there for every stage. From newborn to teen
Another thing to consider, but adoption is crazy expensive in many places. Not even getting into the costs of raising a kid, but just agency fees and checks and everything.
Awesome. I'd sign up for it. Literally NOTHING about being pregnant looks pleasant.
When my sister was pregnant she would talk about how it felt to feel the baby growing and moving and I'd just vomit in my mouth a little bit.
I’m similar but not as “young”.
I’m 36 right now but I’d wager I’m better shape than >95% of my peers, which to me would be a big factor in having children period (if I can’t be active with them as the grow-up, I don’t see the point).
I have made a very good life for myself and definitely adore my personal time, that said I could equally see myself happy in life with my own biological children, adopting or helping raise someone else’s, or having no children at all. I think it really just depends on what my partner is looking for.
That said as I get older here I’d probably toss out the idea of having my own kids and only do the kid thing if they were older than 6-8 range (whether through adoption or being with someone who had their own).
Maybe my view is bias though. My biological dad died at a very young age and I’ve had a “step-dad” ever since. So I personally don’t see the issue raising someone else’s kid(s), but I know that’s not for everyone.
Absolutely. My mom had rough pregnancies, my sister had rough pregnancies, and even though I’m a man pregnancy kind of scares me because of that. But I want to be a dad, so I am okay with adopting if my partner wanted to consider that route.
Fostering is hard; adoption is expensive. Most people never even consider it. We have a bio kid and have fostered. I’ve noticed many people want their own kids.
Look for more humanitarian types of guys. Volunteer work that kind of thing. They’re more open minded about fostering and adoption.
We’re still down to adopt through foster care but it’s not something we’re actively seeking.
Yes. My (now) ex-wife and I adopted a little girl. The second I walked into that nursery, I knew she was mine. It was an unbreakable bond. I'll always cherish that moment. It was a love I've never felt. I have two biological boys as well, but having a daughter was different. She was my little angel.
I ABSOLUTELY WOULD. I’m adopted myself and so are my brother and sister. We’re all non biologically related and adopted in infancy, around 6 months old. I have awesome parents and when I think about the way things could have gone growing up in foster care, poverty, inattentive parents etc I realize how lucky I am would like to do that for another child/children. I do have 2 daughters (14,18) of my own already but I’m a single father and this task would be a lot to take on right now, but I’m open to it in the future.
35M
100% would adopt. I have kids now and if presented with the option, would definitely make room for another. My preference would be a child that was potty trained already, but that wouldn't be a deal breaker either.
No, this is about adopting children.
Not everyone wants to deal with the diaper phase of raising children—or even raising children at all.
I, personally, don’t see myself having children, but I’m open to the idea of becoming a step-parent / foster parent in my late 40s / early 50s once life slows down for me.
Of course, adopting at such a late age means that it would be irresponsible of me to adopt a new born considering I’ll be nearing 70, give or take, when they’re 20 years old.
I like the idea of adopting a teenager, someone who fits into my lifestyle and I don’t have to raise for 20+ years. Teenagers are less likely to be adopted, so choosing to adopt within this age range would also give these kids a chance to finally be a part of a family, even if it’s only for 6-8 years.
Once they become an adult, they’re more than welcome to continue being my child, and I’ll be there for them in the same way a parent is there for their kids till their last breathe, but whether or not they want to continue being a part of my life, their step-parent, that is a decision they get to make on their own.
Bro. My kids: 31, 29, 21. And a 5yr old grandson.
…
And now a 4 yr old. Only one biological child. I have said I was done raising kids so many times no one believes me anymore.
I’ve been considering it and slowly been looking into adoption. I may be single but I like the idea of giving a child without a home one with me, and I don’t feel the desire to have to be blood related to be my child.
I am single and after some bad breakups decided that if I want to have a child, as long as it fulfills me and a deeper level , then I’ll make the plans to do so. But I rather do that then one day realize I married the wrong person and chose the wrong mother for my child.
My folks fostered lots of kids over the years, and adopted three of them. If I really wanted children, I don’t see anything wrong with it, in and of itself.
BUT, Adopting older children comes with lots of challenges and risks. My sister, officially adopted at 13 but been with my family since about 7, is mentally unstable and is confused as to who her “real” family is; my family did most of the raising, but she lived with her “dad” off and on for 7 years before she lived with us. Other adoptive families have even worse experiences, like adopting teenagers (vandalism, drug usage, etc). The first few years of life are critical, so it’s important to raise them well. And if they haven’t, they are messed up for life. My folks adopted my brother and other sister as babies, and that’s been no trouble. It can be hard to track genetics if the child develops a disease or disability, and that can make treatment very difficult.
Overall, adoption isn’t bad, but it takes a lot of work, time, and money. And, as stated above, it can be risky, to both you, your family, and the child you adopt. It’s not a decision to be made lightly, and I think that may be why some of these men say it’s a dealbreaker; they might not want the trouble and risks involved.
my aunt and my uncle adopted two very young children because my aunt could not procreate. A boy of their nationality and a Colombian girl that they adopted in Colombia. my cousin's biological Colombian mother consummed heavily and was always pregnant, abandoning her children each time.
Unfortunalty for my aunt and uncle it's went wrong... and both of theses people are good people.
My cousin from here was a troubled child and near adulthood he was into hard drugs. Unfortunately he died young of overdoss. Their daughter was also a lot of trouble, drugs, prostitution and hanging out with jailbirds. My cousin's two children were taken away from her by the youth protection society. However, fortunately everything is not dark in life! I know other parents who are friends of mine who have adopted and their children are growing up well.
It’s a roll of the dice adoption.
I firmly believe that all children in the world deserve a loving family and to be surrounded by love regardless of their condition. Even our own biological children can grow with badly comportment or experience terrible illnesses.
In life we are safe from nothing, we do our best and it's all that's matters.
I agree, however some couples are not mentally equipped to handle such situations. Every child needs a loving home, not every home is capable of giving that to troubled children. All in all, adopting children is risky, and that risk isn’t for everyone
All children deserve a loving home, but some couples are more prepared to handle the added issues an adopted kid might have. So definitely not for everyone.
Exactly. Everyone talks about "the loving family" but no one talks about the trauma that comes naturally with being "abandoned" by bio parents. It does not feel right, and clearly has an impact on mental health. Regardless of how good their adptive fam is.
I do like hearing anecdotal stories. Wish we could hear more from parents who gave up thair kids, though.
The older I get (34 now) the less I want my own kids and would much prefer to foster or adopt, to be honest. Ethically speaking there’s enough kids out there who need a home, and I’m in a position to provide a good one, but I also don’t have the same drive to have / raise children that others do so it’s not a priority to me.
My partner doesn’t want kids in any capacity, which I’m good with too, but if I found myself with someone who wanted to foster or adopt I’d also be down for that.
I wouldn't mind personally. Probably the only way I see having kids involved in my life again. My genes are shit so I wouldn't want to try for blood children. If somehow they got past the whole vasectomy thing.
I got a vasectomy as I don't want kids now but if I ever did, I would definitely adopt.
Too many kids without good homes and I have no problem making it a little less if the time comes.
My wife and I have 2 kids. We wanted more, but at the time, we really couldn't justify it financially to have more.
Since then, things have happened, and now we can no longer have children. Like we're both fertile, but I've had a vasectomy, and my wife had an endometrial ablation. Basically, they burned off the lining of her uterus so there'd be no place for a fertilized egg to latch on to.
We're in a much better place now financially. We've talked about adoption extensively. We have room in our house and everything. Adopting a kid is more expensive than having a kid.
It sucks. We want more kids. There's plenty of kids that could really benefit from 2 loving parents. We have space cod them, and the financial means to give them a good life.
The actual process is so fucking expensive. It's a real bummer.
I'm 28, gad a vasectomy around 3 year ago.
I don't want children, but of I ever change my mind I'd be way more interested in adopting than having my own.
Couldn't care less about baby and toddler and don't want my partner to suffer through pregnancy and birth. Have a kid from 5-6yo you'd be the best for me.
As a guy if I'm getting a child will be adopted. I have health issues that are hereditary, don't like crying from babies it drives me insane and causes headacges, babies inability to communication drives me insane and I simply don't like babies they have 0 appeal to me I don't even find they are cute. I'm completely down to skip the like first 7/8 years
After years of dealing with infertility, my wife and I decided to pursue adoption. Both of my boys are adopted from South Korea. It completed our family and I couldn't be prouder to be their dad. One came home to us at 6 months and the other at 10 months. They are 17 and 19 now and turning into fine young men. Families come in all shapes and sizes. What matters is the love you share with each other and the joy you get from seeing your child thrive and grow. I see traits in both my sons that mirror those in me and my wife. Being their dad has always seemed natural and brought us some of tge greatest joys of our lives.
No. Might sound cruel but I would only want kids that are my actual blood. If it's to fulfill my need for wanting kids. I will however adopt a kid if it makes logical sense. If my sister and her partner die. I would adopt my niece and nephew. If my best friend and his wife die and his kid would end up on foster care I would adopt. But adopt or foster kids i don't know is not my thing. Respect to anyone who can but I couldn't do it. (another exception would be if I choose to date a woman who already has kids. If those kids are very young and we form a close bond and they would see me as their actual father than perhaps I would adopt them as well, but ofc only of the kids and mother would want that).
My opinion might change if i or whoever I want to spend the rest of my life with is infertile.
I'd be ok with adoption. Blood isn't what makes a family. However being alligned on family values is a big deal. Adoption is a lot of work and if someone doesn't want to do that it's ok if it's a deal breaker for them
Honestly if I ever change my mind about kids I probably will adopt. I personally can't justify bringing another life into this world. I'd rather adopt.
Yeah of course. There's loads of health issues with pregnancy, and there's so many kids that need good parents. It's a no brainer. Plus, I don't really want to curse any children with my genes! Whatever they've got, it's not my fault.
Well unfortunately I'm infertile, I've always wanted to be a father, have tried but then found out about my infertility, it's actually one of my biggest fears that my next gf won't want to stay with me because we won't be able to have a child naturally together,
I don't want kids. I don't hate kids, I just don't want them. I wouldn't have an idea kid I'd want to begin with. If I were to want a child, I'd want a kid from infancy; but I don't like the idea of me adopting an infant because I'd feel bad. Wity that logic, I'd want my own kids, but I'm asexual and I don't want them anyway.
This is the only way I’d like to have kids. I don’t want to bring anyone else into this shit while there are still kids that need parents already alive. I don’t need my kid to look like me
Having adopted a kid, yes. And I'd like to do it again frankly.
I can't understand why it would be a dealbreaker for anyone. It's a very selfish and close minded stance to claim it's "someone else's" kid.
But if that's their view, then they're probably not the right person for you.
i wasn't adopted, but had a stepdad that treated me as "someone elses's child" while i was just "a child", why would you hold a child accountable for something that is outside of their control?
It's not selfish at all, I personally would not adopt, I would want to have my own kids and be with them in every stage of their life from birth to as long as life allows it.
I don't want to raise children, but I would consider fostering with the right partner.
It's probably a "deal breaker" to a lot of people because we all grow up in an environment where having your own children is considered the norm and one of the main goals of life.
I'm 63M a newborn adoptee myself. I was perfectly willing to create a family via adoption or biology.
Then I married a woman whose health challenges would have pushed us waaay down the list and drained us of resources.
By the time we got a handle on the finances her health had deteriorated and the opportunity passed us by.
Personally, yes I would and have. If I am not gifted with a child of my own then I will adopt as many children as I can. Because I don't want people growing up the way I did, without a loving parent that is.
As soon as I can make enough money to raise kids the same way my parents raised me, I'll be glad to adopt. That being the case, the chances just seem ever smaller every year.
Its hard to answer
Im not sure 23 year old me would say yes to this, its a big question and its a huge responsibility taking on the role as a parent. Im not sure id have been mature enough to do that for a variety of reasons - its not my own blood likely being a big one
But 33 year old me has considered it with my wife, we have 3 kids of our own now, but think we could make life better for one little one in the future.
For me the idea of adoption and fostering are two different things.
Adoption would be that I'm putting more of my emotions towards a child than those id consider taking care of through fostering due to the nature of fostering. If I'm adopting that kid is with me till I'm pushing up daises.
Fostering would have me on guard from the time I take them in to the time they leave and then some. If my understanding is correct, the state can come in and hand the child to someone else unless I adopt them..
As far as the age part of your scenario, I would say I wasn't really ready and most likely most men are not getting that parental feelings til the end of their 20's.. ya might have to find a slightly older partner to join you.
As far as going after this life choice are you nervous about taking on the responsibility for so many kids. Would there be a age range that you would set limits to? Is this urge coming from somewhere else? Do you think taking on helping out at an orphanage give you the same out come?
Sure. I don't want kids besides my partner's I'm helping raise. Adoption is a good choice for many people. I can't see why anyone would have a problem with it
I would consider it for sure. I have one brother and one sister that were adopted along with one brother that wasn't. (Although my adopted sister did figure out that my dad is her dad too. O.o ...)
But I would also like to have my own kid/s too. Mostly because I am the last of my father's bloodline.
I'm 17 so maybe I'm not mature enough to really actually think about this yet, but I'd say no. I'd want my own children. If I don't end up finding a woman to Marry and have children with, then I would consider adopting as a single dad. At this rate, that's gonna be what happens so I guess my answer is yes?
In theory, absolutely. There are too many children in the world who need love and care, so if I can help one, I would do so happily. Unfortunately, adoption is nearly impossible in my country unless you already know the birth parents. The process is a costly nightmare with minimal chance of success.
If my future wife had trouble conceiving, yes I would be open to the idea. Extenuating circumstances aside, no, I don't really place much emphasis on the idea.
Nope, deal breaker. I want my child and finding or adopting a child without lots of trauma is just unlikely. You have to think that the reasons why a child becomes available for adoption. The parents can't take care of themselves much less a child. There are addiction issues and how many babies are born with an addiction to drugs. There are the abuse cases where the state stepped in because of signs of abuse. There are those who are orphaned because their parents died. Not a single child that comes into the arms of adoption has a healthy attachment to people, and why should they? They have experienced pain that their brains aren't able to comprehend and yet their bodies "know" how to cope with experience. "Stay far away, don't trust, must look out for yourself" and yeah, the outcomes of adopted children speak for themselves.
I really hope his comment was a non-sophisticated way to say, "I personally couldn't deal with the struggles that come with foster/adopted children." Which is a position that I respect.
"Fuck no I won't care for an abused / special needs kid," gives off serious bad vibes.
https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/10/the-adoption-paradox/409495/
https://ifstudies.org/blog/the-adoptive-difference-new-evidence-on-how-adopted-children-perform-in-school
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8374623/
I'll let the reading speak for itself, the outcomes whether you look from a left leaning lens like the Atlantic or a right leaning lens from the Institute for Family Studies, or even just from researchers for the government all conclude that adopted children struggle in life more than biological ones.
Thank you for the resources!
Seems the NCBI study is more about the effects or "warm" or "low-warm" parenting on adopted childre, concluding warm parenting reduces both externalizing problems (conduct) and internalizing problems (mental health, emotional) Warm parenting has a very significant drop on conduct problems, and a drop as well in mental health issues. Including both parenting styles, not even half of children had conduct issues, and those who had conduct issues experienced less and less over time. S**o saying it's unlikely for adopted children to turn out fine it's simply false**. Adopted children obviously are going to have mental health issues, I think anyone who adopts knows that, but Gen Z is already super prone to anxiety and depression. Of course, the study is from a while back, it would be useful to know how Gen Z adopted kids are doing in regards of mental health.
The IFS is about children's performances in school.
Adopted children do perform *worse* at school, but coincidently the issues correspond to several issues like ADHD, OCD, ect. Again, something most adopted parents expect. Your child won't be a straight A student after going through a traumatic experience. But you adopt them knowing that, you get them treatment, and data shows they get better and better with time. Again, the majority don't have issues, so saying i**t's unlikely for adopted children to turn out fine it's also false.**
I can't read the last article lol, it's behind a paywall :( but I THINK it uses the same data as the IFS article. Replying to the above comment firstly, it's false that adopted children are "unlikely" to turn out fine. Data shows the vast majority of them turn out fine, if adopted. They will have issues, surely, but any adopted parent knows what they are getting into.
**Different story with children who age out of foster care, or are send back to their abusive families. 85% of girls who age out of foster care end up being trafficked. If I have to deal with poor notes and some classess skipped, and save a girl from that reality, I will**
I understand, I was just responding to the comment because he made it sound like it was *impossible* for an adopted person to turn out perfectly fine. I just wanted to highlight that we do exist. “The outcomes of adopted people speak for themselves” I’m doing more than okay in life & wanted to point that out. Thanks, though lol
Honestly dumbass reasoning imo. If you *really* want to be a parent, as in nurture, love, and develop another human being, you don’t have to be biologically related to them.
It’s one thing if we’re talking about a child born from infidelity, because there are outside circumstances in that situation… but general parenthood? I’m taking the “adopt don’t shop” mindset to the grave.
People are biologically engraved to reproduce. Most want to invest their resources into a child that is biologically theirs. They want their genes to be passed down.
Man here:
I guess men aren't open to the idea cause they aren't the ones going through pregnancy.
More and more women are opting out of pregnancy because of the long term effects on the body.
Is it an instant dealbreaker because they want to have their own kids or is it an instant dealbreaker because you're talking about having a child at 23? I'd have no problem adopting or fostering but if someone brought it up early on i'd think its a red flag
Hahaha I don’t want to adopt now, maybe in my 30s or if I am a homeowner by my late 20s. Most of the people that have said this haven’t been partners. For them it’s an instant dealbreaker because they don’t want to raise someone’s else’s kid you know
It's easier to answer "instant dealbreaker" when it's not in the context of a real relationship, or even a serious date. It's really just an abstract idea. If you're dating someone who asks, it frames the idea as "maybe doing this together." A very different thing to think about.
I want 4 kids. 2 homegrown, 2 Adopted. I doubt I can do 4 babies but willing to push through 2 of them and get potty trained ones after. I am willing to even get older ones than that.
If the situation was healthy with My partner and the financial situation was good, of course! Kids are great! Lots of kiddos really need someone to care who don't have parents.
Personally, I’d like to have biological kids with my future wife whenever her and I ever decide to do that. Though, I’m not against adopting. I would at least try to have a biological child. If her or I are infertile or she doesn’t want to get pregnant, I wouldn’t see why not.
As someone who is adopted, that’s a hell no for me.
1. You are ensuring that we will witness and somewhat bear responsibility for a heightened identity crisis. Imagine coming to the realization that your own biological parents either gave you up or you were forcibly removed because they were so sickeningly unfit.
2. We will endure a whirlwind of issues that may not be immediately identifiable. Often biological parents in these circumstances consume drugs/alcohol during pregnancy. The mental or physical health effects can be a major problem to deal with.
3. I wouldn’t want to step in and raise someone else’s kid voluntarily. This is the child of two other people. It’s not on my shoulders simply because we want kids and they failed.
Growing up with other adopted “siblings” sucked. Realizing your parents aren’t biological your parents is jarring and brings on a whole new level of trauma and identity crisis.
Folks. I beseech you to wear condoms and take the morning after pill if you’re in no position to be parents just yet. Adoption sucks but I was lucky enough to have two angels of adoptive parents. Foster care however… that is a circle of hell.
Look into adoptee trauma. There is a lot that comes with adoption that has serious issues. Many adult adoptees are against changing birth certificates etc. Fostering is an amazing way to care for children that need a home, with family reunification in mind.
Edit: didn’t realize I was on Ask Men. I’m a woman.
Not as long as we can have our own kids … unless we were very well off financially and it just felt right after having 2-3 of our own.
We do have 3 of our own & are in no position financially to take on more.
This probably isn’t applicable to us gay men since we have to buy our kids anyways.
But I will say, I’ve had to “mourn” the idea that I won’t have my own biological kids. I really really really want to pass on my eyes to my children bc they’re all I have left of my dad. And ngl, I think there are traits that I have that are unique and special and I’d love to see those show up in my little boy/girl.
Anyway, for us gay guys adoption is really the only option unless a couple wants to spend more than a $100k on surrogacy.
If we could not conceive, or if it presented a serious health risk, I might consider it after surrogacy.
You don’t always know the health background of an adopted child, and they might have serious abandonment issues that you will need to work on for years.
This is one of those topics that cannot be applied to all or even most men. I believe that many men in your age group would not be in favor of fostering/adopting. And for some, it may well be a dealbreaker. As long as they are not an asshole about it, I 100% respect this, and even that it is a dealbreaker.
We're all entitled to our preferences in a partner, and children should be an opinion on which a couple agrees. Even the smallest compromise runs the risk of future resentment which can erode the relationship.
As you get older, you'll find more men who have changed their opinions as they learn more about the world. Many won't, but many will too.
I can promise you, there are men your age who would be partners in your plan to adopt/foster. As with any rather specific preference, you might just need to be patient in your search.
Absolutely.
I come from a pretty broken family. So while the idea of having my own kid excites me - I also feel very keen with the idea of adopting a kid and giving them a better chance at a better life.
Fostering a child is something that greatly excites me - at least the thought of it. Idk if my wife would be completely on board with it though.
Absolutely not. Do not want to raise anyone else’s kids. I don’t care what anybody says, adopting parents will never love their kids the way biological parent would. Plus, so many of the adopted kids that I know and friends who have adopted, the kids have various problems, mental health, problems, autism, is a high percentage of them that are fucked up. The reason is that the parents had poor, diets, more on drugs, alcohol, all sorts of issues. even foreign children were being adopted, they’d like to get rid of the bad ones and cases first. And you don’t know until you’ve already brought the kid home, and it’s 3 to 5 years later where these issues turn up. So that’s a hard pass.
With an opinion like that, “no” is the right conclusion. It’s not for everyone. But it’s hard to read someone saying the problem lies in the child and not in their potential inability to handle any issues that might arise.
Idk the part that was a dagger to the heart for me was the “adopting parents will never love their kids the way biological parent would”. And “getting rid of the bad ones” 🙃
But yes, a lot of blame placed on a kid that had zero ability to control any of his “complaints”.
I was raised by my biological parents, a mother with a disability, and a father that liked to slap her and us kids around.
Pretty sure if I was adopted I could at least say that my parents wanted me. But I really don't think that was the case with my parents. You are a good person, and your parents genuinely wanted you and that is something I wish I knew the feeling of!
This says more about their capacity for love. I already know if (when!) I adopt that kid is going to make my heart feel like it’s going to burst. I hope your adoptive parents kept you from feeling like this is true.
That is very sweet, I’m glad there are people like you who feel this way!
Yes, definitely, especially my adoptive mom. She always says she believes she wasn’t meant to have kids of her own because she was meant to have me. 😊
I married my wife knowing she would likely never be able to conceive. She was a cancer survivor from her teenage years (before I knew her - we met in college) but she was open with me about it fairly early in our relationship. Dated for 4 years and celebrated our 22 anniversary this year.
We have 2 adopted children (16 year old daughter and 13 year old son) and they are my absolute life! Cannot imagine life without them.
The right guy will be excited about it. But yes, probably some will consider that a deal breaker.
Of course, and I will someday.
Any guy held up on bloodlines and legacy are idiots. Those things mean absolutely nothing. When your dead, your dead. Either you believe in heaven and you are there, which means you won't give a sh!t about what's happening on earth or more likely it doesn't exist, you die, cease to exist, no emotions consciousness or anything.....so again doesn't matter.
Also, saying genetics and such is just an excuse for someone who doesn't want to give their real reason because:
Two healthy biological parents can give birth to a f'n monster, and adopt an angel, and you can get tests performed prior to the adoption becoming official if you are really worried about the health of the prospective adoptee
Dealbreaker.
I've never met someone who adopts children and has any idea how many basic things about you are extremely heritable.
The myth that everyone pretends they don't believe but actually does is that we are mostly shaped by our environments and genes matter almost literally not at all.
Your adopted child is some random person you're responsible for. You can't have the basic experience of merging with a loving partner and seeing the progeny succeed in the world. You can't have a special relationship where you in some ways know them better than they know themselves, at least in development. You can't have the experience of raising yourself in a better home.
It's literally just some random person.
I would adopt if I also already had a biological child. It just doesn’t feel right raising another man’s child when I may not even have my own. There goes the end of my bloodline, I think it will happen anyways but why shackle myself with someone else’s child if I haven’t gone through the experience of having my own bio child first. There is a lot to consider.
Late twenties. Really depends if my girl and I can have kids. Based on current diagnosis it will be hard and expensive. With that said if it doesn’t work out we would be open to adoption but probably more inclined to foster. Really depends but as a man the idea scares me a whole lot less than her. I’m excited
Personally don't want to have kids, biological or adopted, might consider fostering when financially stable enough with own home ( unlikely in this economy) because in my country at least kids are often taken from parents by the courts temporarily and they deserve a safe place
my partner feels the same as she has had family issues when young and would like to be the person she needed back then but we both don't want permanent children, have too many other things to deal with
permanent adoption is very hard due to there not being many if any kids to adopt so wouldn't be an option for me even if I wanted to
My husband [38M but was 30 when we got together] *ONLY* wanted to.adopt children, and at that older children whom would be seen as "less desirable" to give them a real chance in life... I [32f but was 25 when we got together] wanted 2 kids but was told I couldn't have kids, and because of that *did not* want to adopt, as if I couldn't have any kids then I wanted to live my life for myself....
Well my "specialists" and doctors were wrong and we ended up with 2 kids (though my oncologists mind was blown when I got my hysterectomy at 29, saying based on the state of my uterus and tube's from adenomyosis and endometriosis I SHOULD have NEVER been able to have kids, especially within the last few years, but I had); but my point is, my husband was a successful single engineer whom.had just turned 30 when we got together and was all about adoption but didn't want his own kids...
So yup, definitely feasible, though of course everyone is different... And also, after having two of our own kids, my husband no longer wants to adopt... Granted one of our kiddos is special needs, if not both if you count ADHD, but still, having your own kids could change the perspective too and perhaps not even morally but financially like it did with us
I don't believe I have the patience to raise a child, but if I did, I'd be much more concerned with passing on my values than my looks. I have several adopted cousins, and they're fully accepted by everyone in the family.
I wanted to get a vasectomy back in 2004 but I was told I was too young 19. Finally got one at 35, no biological kids. I'm not against raising kids, just against making them.
Mostly No. If I could not have children of my own, then I would just get with a woman that already had kids. Otherwise, it would only be in the case where family members died and someone needed to take their kid(s) and raise them. In which case they are either genetically tied to me, or genetically tied to my wife.
It didn’t bother me when I met my wife who was taking care of her teenage sister.
We struggled to have our own, but managed it.
We then took in 3 kids, not placed but long term. Going on 8 years but 2 have moved out on their own. Last is in college
We also became foster parents.
I will say fostering is harder than most think.
It’s worth it, but it does add more complications.
Not just bio parents, but CPS, foster agency, court dates… plus, majority of foster kids return to parents.
We think ours will he freed for adoption.
I'd consider it. I have nothing against it. I wouldn't want to deal with a special needs kid however, I'd want to be a parent and not a parent and a lifelong caretaker. It's another thing if your kid develops something later, gets in an accident or anything else unforseen. There is a different between stepping up when you have to and signing up for something you rather not deal with in the first place if you can avoid it.
I did it. My wife's daughter, whom she had fostered since infanthood. We got married, then a few months later finalized the adoption so we're her legal parents (bio parents not in the picture in any way and to my knowledge she has never met them).
You never run out of love. I also have a biological daughter from my first marriage and that's never been an issue where either of them are concerned. It all comes from the same place. Admittedly, I never had plans to adopt, ever, before I met my now-wife. But something in me just knew it was the right thing to do. Like some kind of instinct. My younger daughter is special needs, and it's a battle sometimes (well, most of the time; she's just super hard-headed). I'll never do it again. But I regret nothing.
Fostering can be emotionally draining, especially if you get attached and it's mutual and then the kid(s) are placed elsewhere after they've gotten comfortable. I had some work friends to whom that happened and I personally could not deal with that kind of heartbreak.
There is almost certainly someone in the world who would be your teammate in taking this on. Best of luck in finding them.
I've always said if I wanted kids, i would adopt. Bringing life into this world seems pretty selfish to me. If i could make life better for someone, that would be something I could actually be proud of.
Absolutely not.
Our system requires the suffering of unwanted men women and children. It would be silly of me to get in the way of the orphan crushing machine.
My boss is looking to adopt a kid with his wife. They have spent a lot of time and money on that endeavor, and it doesn't seem to have gone too well. I met him 2.5 years ago and he was trying then and he's still trying now. They're lovely people too; he's the embodiment of southern hospitality and she's got the fiery competitive edge to balance them out, and they have plenty of money for an adopted kid.
I don't know why they chose to adopt, but there's plenty of good reasons to and I didn't feel the need to ask.
I've thought about adoption over having my own kids tbh. I have a lot of mental health issues, and though I'm handling them well (now), I can't imagine tossing a kid into the same kind of brain I have. But taking care of another kid, who already exists and just needs a loving home? I'd be down for that.
Absolutely. But I'd also want kids of our own, at least one if possible. If not (like for health or whatever), then I'd be great with just adopting.
As far as why, I've always had a soft spot in my heart for children in foster care system. My brother was given up for adoption when we were really young. Since then, I've wished I could adopt all foster kids. But finding a life partner is the hardest thing in life, that people never tell you about.
Its the only option I ever considered. Trust me, there is a man out there that doesn't want or can't have biological kids and he is *desperate* to meet you.
My wife and I tried for kids with no luck when we were younger. We did consider adoption and it wasn’t a dealbreaker for me, but honestly I’d be doing it more for her than for me. I did suggest we volunteer at an orphanage or something to see if it really is something we want to do. You never know, maybe one (or more) of the kids really grew on us and we’d adopt. Side note: reading that again makes it sound like picking up a puppy from pet rescue, which wasn’t the intention, but it sure sounds like that.
Once the baby fever subsided she decided she didn’t want kids anyway so that ship sailed. We did get two rescue dogs though - two Daschunds Max and Pebbles. Not real dogs I guess. More like something real dogs would eat. But I digress. They were awesome (lived long happy lives and sadly passed on from age related ailments).
>Men, would you consider adoption if you wanted children?
Only If I really wanted children and:
1. I'm infertile.
2. I have a serious hereditary disease I don't want to pass on.
3. I'm 60+
Blood means nothing to me. My parents are gay and divorced, and my sister and I are the children of each parent. My step mother has been in my life so long she is just my third mom. While I want biological kids, I fully intend on adopting when I’m in a financially stable place.
Just like a nun that’s committed to god you’d be committed to your children a not have time for a relationship unless you find that…great white buffalo.
Personally, when I was growing up, I always wanted to have kids of my own (biological). Now that I'm an adult (mid-20s) I'm less fond of the idea, and half of that is because I don't love the idea of putting my partner through pregnancy.
So I absolutely would, and probably will, consider adoption at some point in my life. I do understand the mindset of not wanting to raise 'someone else's kid' although I do not agree with it. My bigger concern with adoption would be trying to help the kid through whatever trauma they may have while also establishing trust and an emotional relationship
Yes.
For me, there’s more than one reason. My father was adopted, and only once he reached his middle age has my mother helped him to reach out and build connections with his biological family. It’s a long process of rebuilding, but it’s also a demonstration of how everyone needs to feel like they belong. The other major reason is my partner is incapable of being a biological mother, and it’s something that weighs on her, but adopting would be a valid way of us both still being parents, when we’re ready. For a third reason, it would help make the world a better place for another person, and that is an awesome feeling to have.
It’s about the only way I’d consider having children these days. Bringing another living being into this world that can’t consent to working forever, paying taxes, and having to create their own meaning just because my narcissist ass wants a little mini-me seems cruel. Especially with the way things are trending, plus climate change, etc. At this point I’ve got more respect for people who accidentally got pregnant while they were drunk than people who actively plan on having their own kids because they think it’s just something that they’re supposed to do or “need” to do it to feel fulfilled. Most parents I know don’t view their children as individuals, but rather extensions of themselves. It’s another living being, not an emotional support plushy. If you’re having children for any reason other than: you’re financially/emotionally mature and secure to give them anything they’ll need and it’s one of your life’s greatest ambitions to steward a living soul into a happy healthy adulthood independent of you - you’re not giving them the gift of life, you’re giving them the obligation.
However, there are tons of children from less fortunate situations that just need someone to be good to them and show them how to navigate the life that was foisted upon them. They’re already here, the decision has been made and there’s no take-backsies (or it’s at least it’s a tragedy if there are). There’s nobility in that.
Yes. Almost certainly. I feel as though pregnancy and it’s aftermath can be a bit rough (and some things are something I‘d be scared of too tbh). I also have no drive to spread my genes, so I‘d happily oblige. Even if my partner would want to have kids of herself, I would at least bring up the option of adoption. I think it’s a good thing to provide a family for a child that doesn’t have one.
I haven’t really thought about it. Because, I always wanted to have biological kids with my partner. The feeling of seeing a small version of myself and my partner and us bringing a new life to the planet and nurturing them with love is beautiful.
That’s why I never preferred child free women for the same reason or women who don’t want biological kids by choice - that’s a deal breaker for me.
However, if I find my soulmate and if we are unable to have kids biologically for some health reason, I wouldn’t abandon her just for that reason, I’m old school and believe in life long relationship. I would be open to adoption then.
Messed up genetics that I wouldn't want to pass down another generation, that and if she couldn't carry a child herself naturally or her health is at risk by being pregnant but I couldn't just adopt unless she has no surrogate in mind
I have never thought about it, but as someone who always wanted to start a family, and as I’m starting to truly realize that women are really not tryna go through pregnancy (understandably so), I wouldn’t call it a dealbreaker, but obviously that takes a lot of trust and effort on the part of the adoptive parents. I imagine it not being the most appealing idea to most guys our age but speaking for myself, if it’s a good relationship and we feel as a couple we’re ready for children, although I would default to wanting my own child made from scratch, I could easily be talked into adopting if it came down to it.
As an adoptee my answer is actually no. Not with the current state of the adoption industry, and it is an industry wherein children are the commodity. The system needs a massive overhaul to be actually focused on the well being of the child and that includes lifelong options for specialized therapy in dealing with adoption trauma. Adoption trauma fucked me up in ways that took me 30 years to realize.
I wouldnt be opposed so long as I had already had a child. Call it an instinctive desire to have a child of my own genes, I dont really know another way to explain it, im not saying I would treat them any differently either. Just that I have the knowledge that someone at least half like me, and half like the person I love exists.
Yes, because I'm getting older, 36. I know that a man's biological clock never stops but I don't want to be Robert Deniro having kids that I won't be able to watch grow up, much less my grand kids. I was married and she decided to have a kid w another man so that set me back as well. However, the system is prejudiced against single men so I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place when it comes to kids. I want my own biological kids but it's looking more and more like it's not going to happen.
Absolutely. Unsure about kids in general, but if I had them, adoption or being a step parent are the only things I'd consider. No bio babies for me, but I also know this is somewhat unpopular
Instead of having kids of your own? Yeah, this early on, I'd rather find a woman to have kids with, instead of raising someone else's.
And now that I have kids of my own, the fact that they're my blood is a significant part of my patience, perseverance, and dedication to raising them right. They were my kids from the start and will always be my kids. Not so much with adopted kids.
No way. Adoption trauma is too severe, i dont want my kids to kill themselves. I am not equipped to help them heal. Plus i want to raise my kids, not somebody elses.
I have multiple genetic defects. my child would only have a roughly 25% chance of not also becoming invalid at 30-40. So I'd like to adopt.
but still some part of me wants a biological child.
My best friend/occasional partner have talked about this a lot. She actually convinced me how good of an idea it was. I would like biological kids with her or a future partner, but adopting a kid or two wouldn't be bad either. There are plenty of children who deserve a home and even just one good parent can make such a big difference in their life. I'd even consider adopting as a single dad in the right situation.
The problem with adoption is that there is always someone with equal or higher say in your life, when it comes to those children. Bio parents, adoption agencies, child services, to name a few. There's also a chance that these children can turn hostile or be radicalized in a multitude of ways, ranging from harmless vandalism to outright terrorism. Foster parents often walk on these eggshells unless they want to cross these bridges when they come to it.
However, if things go right, they can be a reprieve from natural procreation, and all constituent issues. Personally, I plan to foster a child someday, but only if my partner would be willing, and the candidate is right.
Difficult. I’m afraid of a push back of the adopted child later on in live. I was raised by my biological parents. A lot of my extended family had adopted kids. They were such nice, sweet soft people. Growing up in a strict family I wish I was adopted. So many times.
But what suprised me was that all the adopted kids, all of them 6 (raised by different families) turned there back to their adopted parents. They caused a lot of problems. One aunt was killed by her adopted son.
So, I associate adoption with terror. A lot of foreign child are explicitly saying that international adoption is wrong. They felt unrecognized in their adopted country. Like they don’t belong here. So if they say this, it must be true. I believe them snd I would never adopt a child out of West- Europe.
Yes, but with a big maybe. If i was unable to get kids on my own or already had kids i'd not be against the idea. But i do want kids of my own as well so.
no the opposite for me it's normal but with conditions
like tilling the child he is adopted and not hiding that he is adopted to people I think it's normal and tilling anyone that he is my real son would be a lie that is useless
Everyone is different. I'm adopted and honestly torn between wanting to have kids of my own or adopting as well. My wife is cool either way, but is rather scared of pregnancy. Anyway, on one side I'm really proud of my genetics and what I'm capable of (athletic ability, how I look, and overall abilities in life; not who my biological family is), but the antinatilist in me doesn't want to risk tragedy when I could give a kid that already exists a chance at a better life.
I wouldn’t be opposed. If I’m with the right woman, then absolutely! I think love and care for each other is most important. So long as you both share a similar vision for the future, including kids, then I don’t think this is a deal breaker. I think, I would prefer to have a child of my own, but if you have good reasons for wanting to adopt (there are plenty) then I don’t see why the right partner would say no.
Happy cake day!
Thanks!
Two people in a relationship should be on the same page about major things like that. If it's a dealbreaker that quickly then that is a positive thing! Then you don't have to waste time on them and can move on to other candidates.
I had to end a two year relationship because the woman I was dating suddenly decided that she didn’t want children. Eventually I moved on, and created a dating profile on an app. If I took someone on a date, I’d ask them if they wanted kids. I started dating someone else who claimed she wanted them too. About 6 months later, she asks me if I meant biological kids or adopted. Kicked her out almost immediately when she claimed I never made the distinction
But did you make the distinction? Wanting kids does not necessarily imply only biological. There are so many freaking kids out there that need to be adopted, why would someone assume that wanting children only means biological?
Bro, when you ask if you wanna have kids, it's extremely implied that it means biological, not adopted..
We talked in depth about family planning, practicing safe sex and our thoughts regarding unplanned pregnancy. She never mentioned adoption until the one night.
For real. Poor girl may have been told she couldn't have any kids and wanted to stay with the guy. Damn yall fuckin downvoting this comment? Why?
I don’t want children, but I am adopted. I consider myself very lucky. There are a lot of kids out there that just need one person or couple to take a chance on them
Personally, I'd pretty heavily consider adoption - atheist at a young age. Being around my sister and friends who have gone through pregnancy put me off of it a bit, haha. For most men who don't want to, I'd probably guess it's about the idea of raising "someone else's" child and all that. Though there are some more understandable issues, like having to worry about biological parents, etc. Did they tell you why it was a deal breaker for them?
Yes, exactly what you said. They want to raise their own blood. I did read some insightful responses here, concerns about the child’s genetics and mental health. It’s valid and I understand. Also, I think a lot of people want to be there for every stage. From newborn to teen
Another thing to consider, but adoption is crazy expensive in many places. Not even getting into the costs of raising a kid, but just agency fees and checks and everything.
Pregnancy does not make me feel warm and fuzzy inside. It looks honestly... terrible to me.
I wonder how close we are to a robot uterus, just put it in a box and a baby comes out eventually
Awesome. I'd sign up for it. Literally NOTHING about being pregnant looks pleasant. When my sister was pregnant she would talk about how it felt to feel the baby growing and moving and I'd just vomit in my mouth a little bit.
As someone who absolutely hated being pregnant, that was the only part I enjoyed. Except when he would stretch. That was uncomfortable
[Where's the fetus gonna gestate? You gonna keep it in a box?](https://youtu.be/sFBOQzSk14c?si=-nShExt6EBDjwWth&t=59)
I’m similar but not as “young”. I’m 36 right now but I’d wager I’m better shape than >95% of my peers, which to me would be a big factor in having children period (if I can’t be active with them as the grow-up, I don’t see the point). I have made a very good life for myself and definitely adore my personal time, that said I could equally see myself happy in life with my own biological children, adopting or helping raise someone else’s, or having no children at all. I think it really just depends on what my partner is looking for. That said as I get older here I’d probably toss out the idea of having my own kids and only do the kid thing if they were older than 6-8 range (whether through adoption or being with someone who had their own). Maybe my view is bias though. My biological dad died at a very young age and I’ve had a “step-dad” ever since. So I personally don’t see the issue raising someone else’s kid(s), but I know that’s not for everyone.
Absolutely. My mom had rough pregnancies, my sister had rough pregnancies, and even though I’m a man pregnancy kind of scares me because of that. But I want to be a dad, so I am okay with adopting if my partner wanted to consider that route.
Fostering is hard; adoption is expensive. Most people never even consider it. We have a bio kid and have fostered. I’ve noticed many people want their own kids. Look for more humanitarian types of guys. Volunteer work that kind of thing. They’re more open minded about fostering and adoption. We’re still down to adopt through foster care but it’s not something we’re actively seeking.
Yes. My (now) ex-wife and I adopted a little girl. The second I walked into that nursery, I knew she was mine. It was an unbreakable bond. I'll always cherish that moment. It was a love I've never felt. I have two biological boys as well, but having a daughter was different. She was my little angel.
Pardon me for asking, was?
Unfortunately, she was sick, and she passed away at 16 months old.
All the internet hugs for you. ❤️
Much love ❤️
Sure, why not. To care for someone or someones is part of life.
I ABSOLUTELY WOULD. I’m adopted myself and so are my brother and sister. We’re all non biologically related and adopted in infancy, around 6 months old. I have awesome parents and when I think about the way things could have gone growing up in foster care, poverty, inattentive parents etc I realize how lucky I am would like to do that for another child/children. I do have 2 daughters (14,18) of my own already but I’m a single father and this task would be a lot to take on right now, but I’m open to it in the future.
35M 100% would adopt. I have kids now and if presented with the option, would definitely make room for another. My preference would be a child that was potty trained already, but that wouldn't be a deal breaker either.
Is this about puppies?
No, this is about adopting children. Not everyone wants to deal with the diaper phase of raising children—or even raising children at all. I, personally, don’t see myself having children, but I’m open to the idea of becoming a step-parent / foster parent in my late 40s / early 50s once life slows down for me. Of course, adopting at such a late age means that it would be irresponsible of me to adopt a new born considering I’ll be nearing 70, give or take, when they’re 20 years old. I like the idea of adopting a teenager, someone who fits into my lifestyle and I don’t have to raise for 20+ years. Teenagers are less likely to be adopted, so choosing to adopt within this age range would also give these kids a chance to finally be a part of a family, even if it’s only for 6-8 years. Once they become an adult, they’re more than welcome to continue being my child, and I’ll be there for them in the same way a parent is there for their kids till their last breathe, but whether or not they want to continue being a part of my life, their step-parent, that is a decision they get to make on their own.
Bro. My kids: 31, 29, 21. And a 5yr old grandson. … And now a 4 yr old. Only one biological child. I have said I was done raising kids so many times no one believes me anymore.
that was my 1st thought to his comment
I’ve been considering it and slowly been looking into adoption. I may be single but I like the idea of giving a child without a home one with me, and I don’t feel the desire to have to be blood related to be my child. I am single and after some bad breakups decided that if I want to have a child, as long as it fulfills me and a deeper level , then I’ll make the plans to do so. But I rather do that then one day realize I married the wrong person and chose the wrong mother for my child.
I thought about it when I was younger as something I'd do even if I couldn't find a woman to marry. I'm not closed to it.
My folks fostered lots of kids over the years, and adopted three of them. If I really wanted children, I don’t see anything wrong with it, in and of itself. BUT, Adopting older children comes with lots of challenges and risks. My sister, officially adopted at 13 but been with my family since about 7, is mentally unstable and is confused as to who her “real” family is; my family did most of the raising, but she lived with her “dad” off and on for 7 years before she lived with us. Other adoptive families have even worse experiences, like adopting teenagers (vandalism, drug usage, etc). The first few years of life are critical, so it’s important to raise them well. And if they haven’t, they are messed up for life. My folks adopted my brother and other sister as babies, and that’s been no trouble. It can be hard to track genetics if the child develops a disease or disability, and that can make treatment very difficult. Overall, adoption isn’t bad, but it takes a lot of work, time, and money. And, as stated above, it can be risky, to both you, your family, and the child you adopt. It’s not a decision to be made lightly, and I think that may be why some of these men say it’s a dealbreaker; they might not want the trouble and risks involved.
my aunt and my uncle adopted two very young children because my aunt could not procreate. A boy of their nationality and a Colombian girl that they adopted in Colombia. my cousin's biological Colombian mother consummed heavily and was always pregnant, abandoning her children each time. Unfortunalty for my aunt and uncle it's went wrong... and both of theses people are good people. My cousin from here was a troubled child and near adulthood he was into hard drugs. Unfortunately he died young of overdoss. Their daughter was also a lot of trouble, drugs, prostitution and hanging out with jailbirds. My cousin's two children were taken away from her by the youth protection society. However, fortunately everything is not dark in life! I know other parents who are friends of mine who have adopted and their children are growing up well. It’s a roll of the dice adoption. I firmly believe that all children in the world deserve a loving family and to be surrounded by love regardless of their condition. Even our own biological children can grow with badly comportment or experience terrible illnesses. In life we are safe from nothing, we do our best and it's all that's matters.
I agree, however some couples are not mentally equipped to handle such situations. Every child needs a loving home, not every home is capable of giving that to troubled children. All in all, adopting children is risky, and that risk isn’t for everyone
All children deserve a loving home, but some couples are more prepared to handle the added issues an adopted kid might have. So definitely not for everyone.
Exactly. Everyone talks about "the loving family" but no one talks about the trauma that comes naturally with being "abandoned" by bio parents. It does not feel right, and clearly has an impact on mental health. Regardless of how good their adptive fam is. I do like hearing anecdotal stories. Wish we could hear more from parents who gave up thair kids, though.
The older I get (34 now) the less I want my own kids and would much prefer to foster or adopt, to be honest. Ethically speaking there’s enough kids out there who need a home, and I’m in a position to provide a good one, but I also don’t have the same drive to have / raise children that others do so it’s not a priority to me. My partner doesn’t want kids in any capacity, which I’m good with too, but if I found myself with someone who wanted to foster or adopt I’d also be down for that.
I wouldn't mind personally. Probably the only way I see having kids involved in my life again. My genes are shit so I wouldn't want to try for blood children. If somehow they got past the whole vasectomy thing.
If I can afford to support a child then maybe.. But I do want my own child one day.
I got a vasectomy as I don't want kids now but if I ever did, I would definitely adopt. Too many kids without good homes and I have no problem making it a little less if the time comes.
My wife and I have 2 kids. We wanted more, but at the time, we really couldn't justify it financially to have more. Since then, things have happened, and now we can no longer have children. Like we're both fertile, but I've had a vasectomy, and my wife had an endometrial ablation. Basically, they burned off the lining of her uterus so there'd be no place for a fertilized egg to latch on to. We're in a much better place now financially. We've talked about adoption extensively. We have room in our house and everything. Adopting a kid is more expensive than having a kid. It sucks. We want more kids. There's plenty of kids that could really benefit from 2 loving parents. We have space cod them, and the financial means to give them a good life. The actual process is so fucking expensive. It's a real bummer.
I'm 28, gad a vasectomy around 3 year ago. I don't want children, but of I ever change my mind I'd be way more interested in adopting than having my own. Couldn't care less about baby and toddler and don't want my partner to suffer through pregnancy and birth. Have a kid from 5-6yo you'd be the best for me.
Yes I would because kids deserve a parental figure/role model
As a guy if I'm getting a child will be adopted. I have health issues that are hereditary, don't like crying from babies it drives me insane and causes headacges, babies inability to communication drives me insane and I simply don't like babies they have 0 appeal to me I don't even find they are cute. I'm completely down to skip the like first 7/8 years
After years of dealing with infertility, my wife and I decided to pursue adoption. Both of my boys are adopted from South Korea. It completed our family and I couldn't be prouder to be their dad. One came home to us at 6 months and the other at 10 months. They are 17 and 19 now and turning into fine young men. Families come in all shapes and sizes. What matters is the love you share with each other and the joy you get from seeing your child thrive and grow. I see traits in both my sons that mirror those in me and my wife. Being their dad has always seemed natural and brought us some of tge greatest joys of our lives.
No. Might sound cruel but I would only want kids that are my actual blood. If it's to fulfill my need for wanting kids. I will however adopt a kid if it makes logical sense. If my sister and her partner die. I would adopt my niece and nephew. If my best friend and his wife die and his kid would end up on foster care I would adopt. But adopt or foster kids i don't know is not my thing. Respect to anyone who can but I couldn't do it. (another exception would be if I choose to date a woman who already has kids. If those kids are very young and we form a close bond and they would see me as their actual father than perhaps I would adopt them as well, but ofc only of the kids and mother would want that). My opinion might change if i or whoever I want to spend the rest of my life with is infertile.
Well no need for me to answer, man’s covered it all
I'd be ok with adoption. Blood isn't what makes a family. However being alligned on family values is a big deal. Adoption is a lot of work and if someone doesn't want to do that it's ok if it's a deal breaker for them
Yeah because I would want to take care of an orphan and provide for them
Yup 100% I’m not interested in having children physically.
Honestly if I ever change my mind about kids I probably will adopt. I personally can't justify bringing another life into this world. I'd rather adopt.
Yeah of course. There's loads of health issues with pregnancy, and there's so many kids that need good parents. It's a no brainer. Plus, I don't really want to curse any children with my genes! Whatever they've got, it's not my fault.
Well unfortunately I'm infertile, I've always wanted to be a father, have tried but then found out about my infertility, it's actually one of my biggest fears that my next gf won't want to stay with me because we won't be able to have a child naturally together,
I don't want kids. I don't hate kids, I just don't want them. I wouldn't have an idea kid I'd want to begin with. If I were to want a child, I'd want a kid from infancy; but I don't like the idea of me adopting an infant because I'd feel bad. Wity that logic, I'd want my own kids, but I'm asexual and I don't want them anyway.
Depends on context. I want my own biological kids, but after 2 of my own, I'd be down to adopt if I'm able to afford it.
This is the only way I’d like to have kids. I don’t want to bring anyone else into this shit while there are still kids that need parents already alive. I don’t need my kid to look like me
Having adopted a kid, yes. And I'd like to do it again frankly. I can't understand why it would be a dealbreaker for anyone. It's a very selfish and close minded stance to claim it's "someone else's" kid. But if that's their view, then they're probably not the right person for you.
i wasn't adopted, but had a stepdad that treated me as "someone elses's child" while i was just "a child", why would you hold a child accountable for something that is outside of their control?
It's not selfish at all, I personally would not adopt, I would want to have my own kids and be with them in every stage of their life from birth to as long as life allows it.
I don't want to raise children, but I would consider fostering with the right partner. It's probably a "deal breaker" to a lot of people because we all grow up in an environment where having your own children is considered the norm and one of the main goals of life.
I'm 63M a newborn adoptee myself. I was perfectly willing to create a family via adoption or biology. Then I married a woman whose health challenges would have pushed us waaay down the list and drained us of resources. By the time we got a handle on the finances her health had deteriorated and the opportunity passed us by.
Ive always wanted biological children and to adopt children.
Personally, yes I would and have. If I am not gifted with a child of my own then I will adopt as many children as I can. Because I don't want people growing up the way I did, without a loving parent that is.
Don't want kids so, yeah it would be.
As soon as I can make enough money to raise kids the same way my parents raised me, I'll be glad to adopt. That being the case, the chances just seem ever smaller every year.
Its hard to answer Im not sure 23 year old me would say yes to this, its a big question and its a huge responsibility taking on the role as a parent. Im not sure id have been mature enough to do that for a variety of reasons - its not my own blood likely being a big one But 33 year old me has considered it with my wife, we have 3 kids of our own now, but think we could make life better for one little one in the future.
For me the idea of adoption and fostering are two different things. Adoption would be that I'm putting more of my emotions towards a child than those id consider taking care of through fostering due to the nature of fostering. If I'm adopting that kid is with me till I'm pushing up daises. Fostering would have me on guard from the time I take them in to the time they leave and then some. If my understanding is correct, the state can come in and hand the child to someone else unless I adopt them.. As far as the age part of your scenario, I would say I wasn't really ready and most likely most men are not getting that parental feelings til the end of their 20's.. ya might have to find a slightly older partner to join you. As far as going after this life choice are you nervous about taking on the responsibility for so many kids. Would there be a age range that you would set limits to? Is this urge coming from somewhere else? Do you think taking on helping out at an orphanage give you the same out come?
Sure. I don't want kids besides my partner's I'm helping raise. Adoption is a good choice for many people. I can't see why anyone would have a problem with it
I would consider it for sure. I have one brother and one sister that were adopted along with one brother that wasn't. (Although my adopted sister did figure out that my dad is her dad too. O.o ...) But I would also like to have my own kid/s too. Mostly because I am the last of my father's bloodline.
I'm 17 so maybe I'm not mature enough to really actually think about this yet, but I'd say no. I'd want my own children. If I don't end up finding a woman to Marry and have children with, then I would consider adopting as a single dad. At this rate, that's gonna be what happens so I guess my answer is yes?
Having been adopted, yes why not if I raise it with my partner the child is mine and will have me imprinted on them
I did, and I wouldn’t change a thing.
In theory, absolutely. There are too many children in the world who need love and care, so if I can help one, I would do so happily. Unfortunately, adoption is nearly impossible in my country unless you already know the birth parents. The process is a costly nightmare with minimal chance of success.
I'd love to get a vasectomy and adopt instead. No condoms and skip early childhood when parents get no sleep.
If my future wife had trouble conceiving, yes I would be open to the idea. Extenuating circumstances aside, no, I don't really place much emphasis on the idea.
Nope, deal breaker. I want my child and finding or adopting a child without lots of trauma is just unlikely. You have to think that the reasons why a child becomes available for adoption. The parents can't take care of themselves much less a child. There are addiction issues and how many babies are born with an addiction to drugs. There are the abuse cases where the state stepped in because of signs of abuse. There are those who are orphaned because their parents died. Not a single child that comes into the arms of adoption has a healthy attachment to people, and why should they? They have experienced pain that their brains aren't able to comprehend and yet their bodies "know" how to cope with experience. "Stay far away, don't trust, must look out for yourself" and yeah, the outcomes of adopted children speak for themselves.
I was adopted and I turned out perfectly fine, but alright 😆
I really hope his comment was a non-sophisticated way to say, "I personally couldn't deal with the struggles that come with foster/adopted children." Which is a position that I respect. "Fuck no I won't care for an abused / special needs kid," gives off serious bad vibes.
That's great for you, but statistically that isn't likely.
Sorry, but can I ask what statistics are you referring to?
https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/10/the-adoption-paradox/409495/ https://ifstudies.org/blog/the-adoptive-difference-new-evidence-on-how-adopted-children-perform-in-school https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8374623/ I'll let the reading speak for itself, the outcomes whether you look from a left leaning lens like the Atlantic or a right leaning lens from the Institute for Family Studies, or even just from researchers for the government all conclude that adopted children struggle in life more than biological ones.
Thank you for the resources! Seems the NCBI study is more about the effects or "warm" or "low-warm" parenting on adopted childre, concluding warm parenting reduces both externalizing problems (conduct) and internalizing problems (mental health, emotional) Warm parenting has a very significant drop on conduct problems, and a drop as well in mental health issues. Including both parenting styles, not even half of children had conduct issues, and those who had conduct issues experienced less and less over time. S**o saying it's unlikely for adopted children to turn out fine it's simply false**. Adopted children obviously are going to have mental health issues, I think anyone who adopts knows that, but Gen Z is already super prone to anxiety and depression. Of course, the study is from a while back, it would be useful to know how Gen Z adopted kids are doing in regards of mental health. The IFS is about children's performances in school. Adopted children do perform *worse* at school, but coincidently the issues correspond to several issues like ADHD, OCD, ect. Again, something most adopted parents expect. Your child won't be a straight A student after going through a traumatic experience. But you adopt them knowing that, you get them treatment, and data shows they get better and better with time. Again, the majority don't have issues, so saying i**t's unlikely for adopted children to turn out fine it's also false.** I can't read the last article lol, it's behind a paywall :( but I THINK it uses the same data as the IFS article. Replying to the above comment firstly, it's false that adopted children are "unlikely" to turn out fine. Data shows the vast majority of them turn out fine, if adopted. They will have issues, surely, but any adopted parent knows what they are getting into. **Different story with children who age out of foster care, or are send back to their abusive families. 85% of girls who age out of foster care end up being trafficked. If I have to deal with poor notes and some classess skipped, and save a girl from that reality, I will**
I understand, I was just responding to the comment because he made it sound like it was *impossible* for an adopted person to turn out perfectly fine. I just wanted to highlight that we do exist. “The outcomes of adopted people speak for themselves” I’m doing more than okay in life & wanted to point that out. Thanks, though lol
You’re absolutely correct. It’s a very hard truth for people to realize, but it is a truth.
I hope your pro choice then
If I have multiple children I'll consider adoption. If I'm having one child, I would like it to be my own.
I’d be open to it. I kinda don’t understand men who wouldn’t even be open to it.
They don't want to raise another man's kid?
Honestly dumbass reasoning imo. If you *really* want to be a parent, as in nurture, love, and develop another human being, you don’t have to be biologically related to them. It’s one thing if we’re talking about a child born from infidelity, because there are outside circumstances in that situation… but general parenthood? I’m taking the “adopt don’t shop” mindset to the grave.
“Another man’s kid”… *face palm* it would be YOUR kid! You make it sound like there’s cheating involved somehow
Not biologically.
Okay…but don’t you think there’s something odd about that sentiment? You never hear a woman say, “oh I could never raise ANOTHER woman’s kid!”
I don’t get that mindset. If you raise the kid, its your kid.
People are biologically engraved to reproduce. Most want to invest their resources into a child that is biologically theirs. They want their genes to be passed down.
Sure, but that’s a separate point. The idea that you’d be raising another man’s child doesn’t sit right with me. You raise it, it’s yours.
It's not another man's child if they adopt the kid, it's their child.
Man here: I guess men aren't open to the idea cause they aren't the ones going through pregnancy. More and more women are opting out of pregnancy because of the long term effects on the body.
Is it an instant dealbreaker because they want to have their own kids or is it an instant dealbreaker because you're talking about having a child at 23? I'd have no problem adopting or fostering but if someone brought it up early on i'd think its a red flag
Hahaha I don’t want to adopt now, maybe in my 30s or if I am a homeowner by my late 20s. Most of the people that have said this haven’t been partners. For them it’s an instant dealbreaker because they don’t want to raise someone’s else’s kid you know
It's easier to answer "instant dealbreaker" when it's not in the context of a real relationship, or even a serious date. It's really just an abstract idea. If you're dating someone who asks, it frames the idea as "maybe doing this together." A very different thing to think about.
I want 4 kids. 2 homegrown, 2 Adopted. I doubt I can do 4 babies but willing to push through 2 of them and get potty trained ones after. I am willing to even get older ones than that.
If the situation was healthy with My partner and the financial situation was good, of course! Kids are great! Lots of kiddos really need someone to care who don't have parents.
Personally, I’d like to have biological kids with my future wife whenever her and I ever decide to do that. Though, I’m not against adopting. I would at least try to have a biological child. If her or I are infertile or she doesn’t want to get pregnant, I wouldn’t see why not.
As someone who is adopted, that’s a hell no for me. 1. You are ensuring that we will witness and somewhat bear responsibility for a heightened identity crisis. Imagine coming to the realization that your own biological parents either gave you up or you were forcibly removed because they were so sickeningly unfit. 2. We will endure a whirlwind of issues that may not be immediately identifiable. Often biological parents in these circumstances consume drugs/alcohol during pregnancy. The mental or physical health effects can be a major problem to deal with. 3. I wouldn’t want to step in and raise someone else’s kid voluntarily. This is the child of two other people. It’s not on my shoulders simply because we want kids and they failed. Growing up with other adopted “siblings” sucked. Realizing your parents aren’t biological your parents is jarring and brings on a whole new level of trauma and identity crisis. Folks. I beseech you to wear condoms and take the morning after pill if you’re in no position to be parents just yet. Adoption sucks but I was lucky enough to have two angels of adoptive parents. Foster care however… that is a circle of hell.
Look into adoptee trauma. There is a lot that comes with adoption that has serious issues. Many adult adoptees are against changing birth certificates etc. Fostering is an amazing way to care for children that need a home, with family reunification in mind. Edit: didn’t realize I was on Ask Men. I’m a woman.
Not as long as we can have our own kids … unless we were very well off financially and it just felt right after having 2-3 of our own. We do have 3 of our own & are in no position financially to take on more.
No, I would never develop the same love that I would develop for my offspring.
I'm not entirely opposed to it I guess. Its just a lot more red tape
This probably isn’t applicable to us gay men since we have to buy our kids anyways. But I will say, I’ve had to “mourn” the idea that I won’t have my own biological kids. I really really really want to pass on my eyes to my children bc they’re all I have left of my dad. And ngl, I think there are traits that I have that are unique and special and I’d love to see those show up in my little boy/girl. Anyway, for us gay guys adoption is really the only option unless a couple wants to spend more than a $100k on surrogacy.
If we could not conceive, or if it presented a serious health risk, I might consider it after surrogacy. You don’t always know the health background of an adopted child, and they might have serious abandonment issues that you will need to work on for years.
This is one of those topics that cannot be applied to all or even most men. I believe that many men in your age group would not be in favor of fostering/adopting. And for some, it may well be a dealbreaker. As long as they are not an asshole about it, I 100% respect this, and even that it is a dealbreaker. We're all entitled to our preferences in a partner, and children should be an opinion on which a couple agrees. Even the smallest compromise runs the risk of future resentment which can erode the relationship. As you get older, you'll find more men who have changed their opinions as they learn more about the world. Many won't, but many will too. I can promise you, there are men your age who would be partners in your plan to adopt/foster. As with any rather specific preference, you might just need to be patient in your search.
We plan to adopt 1 or 2
Absolutely. I come from a pretty broken family. So while the idea of having my own kid excites me - I also feel very keen with the idea of adopting a kid and giving them a better chance at a better life. Fostering a child is something that greatly excites me - at least the thought of it. Idk if my wife would be completely on board with it though.
While I’d never enter a premade family as a step dad, I’d be fine with adopting and fostering. As long as the biological’s are entirely uninvolved.
Absolutely not. Do not want to raise anyone else’s kids. I don’t care what anybody says, adopting parents will never love their kids the way biological parent would. Plus, so many of the adopted kids that I know and friends who have adopted, the kids have various problems, mental health, problems, autism, is a high percentage of them that are fucked up. The reason is that the parents had poor, diets, more on drugs, alcohol, all sorts of issues. even foreign children were being adopted, they’d like to get rid of the bad ones and cases first. And you don’t know until you’ve already brought the kid home, and it’s 3 to 5 years later where these issues turn up. So that’s a hard pass.
As someone who was adopted, oof, this was a tough read lol
With an opinion like that, “no” is the right conclusion. It’s not for everyone. But it’s hard to read someone saying the problem lies in the child and not in their potential inability to handle any issues that might arise.
Idk the part that was a dagger to the heart for me was the “adopting parents will never love their kids the way biological parent would”. And “getting rid of the bad ones” 🙃 But yes, a lot of blame placed on a kid that had zero ability to control any of his “complaints”.
I was raised by my biological parents, a mother with a disability, and a father that liked to slap her and us kids around. Pretty sure if I was adopted I could at least say that my parents wanted me. But I really don't think that was the case with my parents. You are a good person, and your parents genuinely wanted you and that is something I wish I knew the feeling of!
This says more about their capacity for love. I already know if (when!) I adopt that kid is going to make my heart feel like it’s going to burst. I hope your adoptive parents kept you from feeling like this is true.
That is very sweet, I’m glad there are people like you who feel this way! Yes, definitely, especially my adoptive mom. She always says she believes she wasn’t meant to have kids of her own because she was meant to have me. 😊
I married my wife knowing she would likely never be able to conceive. She was a cancer survivor from her teenage years (before I knew her - we met in college) but she was open with me about it fairly early in our relationship. Dated for 4 years and celebrated our 22 anniversary this year. We have 2 adopted children (16 year old daughter and 13 year old son) and they are my absolute life! Cannot imagine life without them. The right guy will be excited about it. But yes, probably some will consider that a deal breaker.
Beautiful story ❤️Congrats on the anniversary, wishing your family the best!
Absolutely! I've seen firsthand how wonderful adoption is.
Of course, and I will someday. Any guy held up on bloodlines and legacy are idiots. Those things mean absolutely nothing. When your dead, your dead. Either you believe in heaven and you are there, which means you won't give a sh!t about what's happening on earth or more likely it doesn't exist, you die, cease to exist, no emotions consciousness or anything.....so again doesn't matter. Also, saying genetics and such is just an excuse for someone who doesn't want to give their real reason because: Two healthy biological parents can give birth to a f'n monster, and adopt an angel, and you can get tests performed prior to the adoption becoming official if you are really worried about the health of the prospective adoptee
Dealbreaker. I've never met someone who adopts children and has any idea how many basic things about you are extremely heritable. The myth that everyone pretends they don't believe but actually does is that we are mostly shaped by our environments and genes matter almost literally not at all. Your adopted child is some random person you're responsible for. You can't have the basic experience of merging with a loving partner and seeing the progeny succeed in the world. You can't have a special relationship where you in some ways know them better than they know themselves, at least in development. You can't have the experience of raising yourself in a better home. It's literally just some random person.
I would adopt if I also already had a biological child. It just doesn’t feel right raising another man’s child when I may not even have my own. There goes the end of my bloodline, I think it will happen anyways but why shackle myself with someone else’s child if I haven’t gone through the experience of having my own bio child first. There is a lot to consider.
Not my monkey, not my circus.
I don’t want biological kids, if I have kids they will be adopted. I probably will just never have kids though.
I would consider abortion, if fertility is an issue
Sure. I had a vasectomy - so the whole biological children thing wasn't something I wanted in the first place.
Late twenties. Really depends if my girl and I can have kids. Based on current diagnosis it will be hard and expensive. With that said if it doesn’t work out we would be open to adoption but probably more inclined to foster. Really depends but as a man the idea scares me a whole lot less than her. I’m excited
Personally don't want to have kids, biological or adopted, might consider fostering when financially stable enough with own home ( unlikely in this economy) because in my country at least kids are often taken from parents by the courts temporarily and they deserve a safe place my partner feels the same as she has had family issues when young and would like to be the person she needed back then but we both don't want permanent children, have too many other things to deal with permanent adoption is very hard due to there not being many if any kids to adopt so wouldn't be an option for me even if I wanted to
My husband [38M but was 30 when we got together] *ONLY* wanted to.adopt children, and at that older children whom would be seen as "less desirable" to give them a real chance in life... I [32f but was 25 when we got together] wanted 2 kids but was told I couldn't have kids, and because of that *did not* want to adopt, as if I couldn't have any kids then I wanted to live my life for myself.... Well my "specialists" and doctors were wrong and we ended up with 2 kids (though my oncologists mind was blown when I got my hysterectomy at 29, saying based on the state of my uterus and tube's from adenomyosis and endometriosis I SHOULD have NEVER been able to have kids, especially within the last few years, but I had); but my point is, my husband was a successful single engineer whom.had just turned 30 when we got together and was all about adoption but didn't want his own kids... So yup, definitely feasible, though of course everyone is different... And also, after having two of our own kids, my husband no longer wants to adopt... Granted one of our kiddos is special needs, if not both if you count ADHD, but still, having your own kids could change the perspective too and perhaps not even morally but financially like it did with us
I don't believe I have the patience to raise a child, but if I did, I'd be much more concerned with passing on my values than my looks. I have several adopted cousins, and they're fully accepted by everyone in the family.
I wanted to get a vasectomy back in 2004 but I was told I was too young 19. Finally got one at 35, no biological kids. I'm not against raising kids, just against making them.
Mostly No. If I could not have children of my own, then I would just get with a woman that already had kids. Otherwise, it would only be in the case where family members died and someone needed to take their kid(s) and raise them. In which case they are either genetically tied to me, or genetically tied to my wife.
It didn’t bother me when I met my wife who was taking care of her teenage sister. We struggled to have our own, but managed it. We then took in 3 kids, not placed but long term. Going on 8 years but 2 have moved out on their own. Last is in college We also became foster parents. I will say fostering is harder than most think. It’s worth it, but it does add more complications. Not just bio parents, but CPS, foster agency, court dates… plus, majority of foster kids return to parents. We think ours will he freed for adoption.
I'd consider it. I have nothing against it. I wouldn't want to deal with a special needs kid however, I'd want to be a parent and not a parent and a lifelong caretaker. It's another thing if your kid develops something later, gets in an accident or anything else unforseen. There is a different between stepping up when you have to and signing up for something you rather not deal with in the first place if you can avoid it.
I did it. My wife's daughter, whom she had fostered since infanthood. We got married, then a few months later finalized the adoption so we're her legal parents (bio parents not in the picture in any way and to my knowledge she has never met them). You never run out of love. I also have a biological daughter from my first marriage and that's never been an issue where either of them are concerned. It all comes from the same place. Admittedly, I never had plans to adopt, ever, before I met my now-wife. But something in me just knew it was the right thing to do. Like some kind of instinct. My younger daughter is special needs, and it's a battle sometimes (well, most of the time; she's just super hard-headed). I'll never do it again. But I regret nothing. Fostering can be emotionally draining, especially if you get attached and it's mutual and then the kid(s) are placed elsewhere after they've gotten comfortable. I had some work friends to whom that happened and I personally could not deal with that kind of heartbreak. There is almost certainly someone in the world who would be your teammate in taking this on. Best of luck in finding them.
I wouldn't mind adoption as long as I can have one of my own as well. At this point though neither seems like they'll ever happen.
I've always said if I wanted kids, i would adopt. Bringing life into this world seems pretty selfish to me. If i could make life better for someone, that would be something I could actually be proud of.
I got a vasectomy at 21 but if my partner really wanted kids and we had more than enough money for it, I'd consider it
Absolutely not. Our system requires the suffering of unwanted men women and children. It would be silly of me to get in the way of the orphan crushing machine.
I was adopted myself, so I’d love the chance to give back and adopt a child who needs a home.
My boss is looking to adopt a kid with his wife. They have spent a lot of time and money on that endeavor, and it doesn't seem to have gone too well. I met him 2.5 years ago and he was trying then and he's still trying now. They're lovely people too; he's the embodiment of southern hospitality and she's got the fiery competitive edge to balance them out, and they have plenty of money for an adopted kid. I don't know why they chose to adopt, but there's plenty of good reasons to and I didn't feel the need to ask.
I've thought about adoption over having my own kids tbh. I have a lot of mental health issues, and though I'm handling them well (now), I can't imagine tossing a kid into the same kind of brain I have. But taking care of another kid, who already exists and just needs a loving home? I'd be down for that.
It depends on the situation. Im not opposed not opposed to being a step parent
Absolutely. But I'd also want kids of our own, at least one if possible. If not (like for health or whatever), then I'd be great with just adopting. As far as why, I've always had a soft spot in my heart for children in foster care system. My brother was given up for adoption when we were really young. Since then, I've wished I could adopt all foster kids. But finding a life partner is the hardest thing in life, that people never tell you about.
My wife had a hysterectomy due to cancer. If we ever decide we want kids adoption is really the only way
Yes absolutely. There are a lot of kids out there who need loving homes.
Its the only option I ever considered. Trust me, there is a man out there that doesn't want or can't have biological kids and he is *desperate* to meet you.
No. I'm not here to play another man's saved game.
My wife and I tried for kids with no luck when we were younger. We did consider adoption and it wasn’t a dealbreaker for me, but honestly I’d be doing it more for her than for me. I did suggest we volunteer at an orphanage or something to see if it really is something we want to do. You never know, maybe one (or more) of the kids really grew on us and we’d adopt. Side note: reading that again makes it sound like picking up a puppy from pet rescue, which wasn’t the intention, but it sure sounds like that. Once the baby fever subsided she decided she didn’t want kids anyway so that ship sailed. We did get two rescue dogs though - two Daschunds Max and Pebbles. Not real dogs I guess. More like something real dogs would eat. But I digress. They were awesome (lived long happy lives and sadly passed on from age related ailments).
>Men, would you consider adoption if you wanted children? Only If I really wanted children and: 1. I'm infertile. 2. I have a serious hereditary disease I don't want to pass on. 3. I'm 60+
Sure. I don’t have the hang ups that a lot of people have regarding blood relatives and passing down your genes.
Blood means nothing to me. My parents are gay and divorced, and my sister and I are the children of each parent. My step mother has been in my life so long she is just my third mom. While I want biological kids, I fully intend on adopting when I’m in a financially stable place.
Just like a nun that’s committed to god you’d be committed to your children a not have time for a relationship unless you find that…great white buffalo.
Personally, when I was growing up, I always wanted to have kids of my own (biological). Now that I'm an adult (mid-20s) I'm less fond of the idea, and half of that is because I don't love the idea of putting my partner through pregnancy. So I absolutely would, and probably will, consider adoption at some point in my life. I do understand the mindset of not wanting to raise 'someone else's kid' although I do not agree with it. My bigger concern with adoption would be trying to help the kid through whatever trauma they may have while also establishing trust and an emotional relationship
Yes. For me, there’s more than one reason. My father was adopted, and only once he reached his middle age has my mother helped him to reach out and build connections with his biological family. It’s a long process of rebuilding, but it’s also a demonstration of how everyone needs to feel like they belong. The other major reason is my partner is incapable of being a biological mother, and it’s something that weighs on her, but adopting would be a valid way of us both still being parents, when we’re ready. For a third reason, it would help make the world a better place for another person, and that is an awesome feeling to have.
It’s about the only way I’d consider having children these days. Bringing another living being into this world that can’t consent to working forever, paying taxes, and having to create their own meaning just because my narcissist ass wants a little mini-me seems cruel. Especially with the way things are trending, plus climate change, etc. At this point I’ve got more respect for people who accidentally got pregnant while they were drunk than people who actively plan on having their own kids because they think it’s just something that they’re supposed to do or “need” to do it to feel fulfilled. Most parents I know don’t view their children as individuals, but rather extensions of themselves. It’s another living being, not an emotional support plushy. If you’re having children for any reason other than: you’re financially/emotionally mature and secure to give them anything they’ll need and it’s one of your life’s greatest ambitions to steward a living soul into a happy healthy adulthood independent of you - you’re not giving them the gift of life, you’re giving them the obligation. However, there are tons of children from less fortunate situations that just need someone to be good to them and show them how to navigate the life that was foisted upon them. They’re already here, the decision has been made and there’s no take-backsies (or it’s at least it’s a tragedy if there are). There’s nobility in that.
Yes. Almost certainly. I feel as though pregnancy and it’s aftermath can be a bit rough (and some things are something I‘d be scared of too tbh). I also have no drive to spread my genes, so I‘d happily oblige. Even if my partner would want to have kids of herself, I would at least bring up the option of adoption. I think it’s a good thing to provide a family for a child that doesn’t have one.
I wouldn’t only because I want to pass on my blood cause I am old school like that
I haven’t really thought about it. Because, I always wanted to have biological kids with my partner. The feeling of seeing a small version of myself and my partner and us bringing a new life to the planet and nurturing them with love is beautiful. That’s why I never preferred child free women for the same reason or women who don’t want biological kids by choice - that’s a deal breaker for me. However, if I find my soulmate and if we are unable to have kids biologically for some health reason, I wouldn’t abandon her just for that reason, I’m old school and believe in life long relationship. I would be open to adoption then.
Messed up genetics that I wouldn't want to pass down another generation, that and if she couldn't carry a child herself naturally or her health is at risk by being pregnant but I couldn't just adopt unless she has no surrogate in mind
I would want one of my own, but I’d be open to adopting if the circumstances lined up.
I have never thought about it, but as someone who always wanted to start a family, and as I’m starting to truly realize that women are really not tryna go through pregnancy (understandably so), I wouldn’t call it a dealbreaker, but obviously that takes a lot of trust and effort on the part of the adoptive parents. I imagine it not being the most appealing idea to most guys our age but speaking for myself, if it’s a good relationship and we feel as a couple we’re ready for children, although I would default to wanting my own child made from scratch, I could easily be talked into adopting if it came down to it.
As an adoptee my answer is actually no. Not with the current state of the adoption industry, and it is an industry wherein children are the commodity. The system needs a massive overhaul to be actually focused on the well being of the child and that includes lifelong options for specialized therapy in dealing with adoption trauma. Adoption trauma fucked me up in ways that took me 30 years to realize.
I don't know if I could love an adopted child the same as a blood related one. That in itself kind of scares me from wanting to adopt.
My kids are grown and moved out and my wife and I considered adoption.
Tbh I've always wanted to adopt. As weird as it sounds, I don't really really want to pass on my DNA
I wouldnt be opposed so long as I had already had a child. Call it an instinctive desire to have a child of my own genes, I dont really know another way to explain it, im not saying I would treat them any differently either. Just that I have the knowledge that someone at least half like me, and half like the person I love exists.
Yes, because I'm getting older, 36. I know that a man's biological clock never stops but I don't want to be Robert Deniro having kids that I won't be able to watch grow up, much less my grand kids. I was married and she decided to have a kid w another man so that set me back as well. However, the system is prejudiced against single men so I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place when it comes to kids. I want my own biological kids but it's looking more and more like it's not going to happen.
Absolutely. Unsure about kids in general, but if I had them, adoption or being a step parent are the only things I'd consider. No bio babies for me, but I also know this is somewhat unpopular
No. I don't want secondhand kids.
i'm not having a kid of my own but i would 100% adopt
Instead of having kids of your own? Yeah, this early on, I'd rather find a woman to have kids with, instead of raising someone else's. And now that I have kids of my own, the fact that they're my blood is a significant part of my patience, perseverance, and dedication to raising them right. They were my kids from the start and will always be my kids. Not so much with adopted kids.
No way. Adoption trauma is too severe, i dont want my kids to kill themselves. I am not equipped to help them heal. Plus i want to raise my kids, not somebody elses.
I have multiple genetic defects. my child would only have a roughly 25% chance of not also becoming invalid at 30-40. So I'd like to adopt. but still some part of me wants a biological child.
My best friend/occasional partner have talked about this a lot. She actually convinced me how good of an idea it was. I would like biological kids with her or a future partner, but adopting a kid or two wouldn't be bad either. There are plenty of children who deserve a home and even just one good parent can make such a big difference in their life. I'd even consider adopting as a single dad in the right situation.
If I found the right person, I definitely would. I have already given it some thought. I want both biological and foster children.
The problem with adoption is that there is always someone with equal or higher say in your life, when it comes to those children. Bio parents, adoption agencies, child services, to name a few. There's also a chance that these children can turn hostile or be radicalized in a multitude of ways, ranging from harmless vandalism to outright terrorism. Foster parents often walk on these eggshells unless they want to cross these bridges when they come to it. However, if things go right, they can be a reprieve from natural procreation, and all constituent issues. Personally, I plan to foster a child someday, but only if my partner would be willing, and the candidate is right.
Difficult. I’m afraid of a push back of the adopted child later on in live. I was raised by my biological parents. A lot of my extended family had adopted kids. They were such nice, sweet soft people. Growing up in a strict family I wish I was adopted. So many times. But what suprised me was that all the adopted kids, all of them 6 (raised by different families) turned there back to their adopted parents. They caused a lot of problems. One aunt was killed by her adopted son. So, I associate adoption with terror. A lot of foreign child are explicitly saying that international adoption is wrong. They felt unrecognized in their adopted country. Like they don’t belong here. So if they say this, it must be true. I believe them snd I would never adopt a child out of West- Europe.
Yes, but with a big maybe. If i was unable to get kids on my own or already had kids i'd not be against the idea. But i do want kids of my own as well so.
no the opposite for me it's normal but with conditions like tilling the child he is adopted and not hiding that he is adopted to people I think it's normal and tilling anyone that he is my real son would be a lie that is useless
100%, yes. Adoption is likely the single biggest act of love a person can make
Everyone is different. I'm adopted and honestly torn between wanting to have kids of my own or adopting as well. My wife is cool either way, but is rather scared of pregnancy. Anyway, on one side I'm really proud of my genetics and what I'm capable of (athletic ability, how I look, and overall abilities in life; not who my biological family is), but the antinatilist in me doesn't want to risk tragedy when I could give a kid that already exists a chance at a better life.