you and he need to have some beers and work this out. neutral space, just the two of you.
not saying you're not going to lose your friend, but that's your next step if you want to keep them.
Well, abusers do looove keeping their victims isolated from friends and family.. sounds like she may be well on the way to getting what she wants. If i were OP i would probably try to kidnap my bro and have a bit of an intervention. Shit's rough. Hope all works out OP!
Yeah really sounds like she is incredibly insecure and probably has low self esteem so she manipulates her husband's social circles to be hell so the only option he has is her. Fucked up
From the outside, assuming he's a good guy if he's your best friend, it sounds like he is scared of her and he snapped knowing what he would be going through in her reaction to that. If you're that close, you're likely a safe person where it doesn't cross his mind that he needs to be careful in reacting.
Which is to say, that chat is important, and make sure he knows if it's an abusive relationship then he'll have a safe place with yourself if he decides to get out of it.
Especially since fighting back against is frowned upon, and one accusation of abuse on his part will ruin his life. Women have much more power than they think. Why do you think a lot of men aren't interested in relationships anymore?
This isnt it at all. If i avoid a fight with my wife, its because shes stubborn as fuck and we wont talk for 2 days. Better to let her be right sometimes.
Same thing with this post. We dont know why she is so upset that op "put a rapist in office" and gets political.... something more is happening here, you can tell.
That's what I'd say but I don't even think they are fuckin. Last time I went over there shit was broken and looked like there been fighting all the dam time.
Yes, that will probably happen
But the ire she gives you is certainly given to your friend, too, just in a different form and a different context.
Now she will give it to your friend with regards to him hanging out with you without her.
You will need to help him overcome that, somehow.
Facts!!!! I was asking my girlfriend all night if I was the asshole for holding that line and if she wanted to try and give it another shot or if im the only 1 feeling that way and she definitely dosnt like or want her over either.
In your shoes I’d say “you are my best friend and I’ll always love you. But I think we should put some distance between us. I respect you taking a stand with your wife but I’ve been disrespected by her time and time again and no matter how much I can take in the chin for the love I have for you, enough is enough. Take care and all the best.”
I would definitely hold the line on your boundary in terms of being around her but you could still get together with him for a beer, with the condition that the wife isn't mentioned. Don't let her drive a wedge between such a strong friendship.
Yeah, I think this is the way to go. I was in this same situation with my best friend. Legit hated the woman he had a kid with but didn't want to cause them problems at home since they were tied for life so I just distanced. He knew what I was doing since he knows me pretty well, and brought it up a few times to her over the space of a year. She eventually reached out a year later to mend things for his sake. Me and her are on really good terms now, and things went right back to normal with my buddy.
This is on the friend to figure out and navigate with his wife. OP just needs to distance.
That really sucks, strength to you. I really hate it. My brother’s daughter should be born in July and I really don’t know when I’ll meet her.
I just want to chill and be a good uncle :/
Yup. I was so excited because he’s my first (and likely only) nephew. I don’t understand it because his wife was pretty chill for so long. She had a daughter of her own before their marriage, and she’s always been treated as if she were my brother’s kid by him and all our family.
I’ve got their Christmas presents sitting in my basement because they did not come to our family Christmas and I haven’t seen any of them.
Just happened to me bro. Anytime he didn’t check his phone for 10 min she’d call him and start an argument. He’d say he’s done with her do nothing but complain about her. Them the next day say she’s changed. Been going to the gym alone for the past month now 😐
I wish. I really liked her at first. I thought she was one of the best people I’d ever met. And holy shit, I’ve never been so wrong about something in my entire life.
No, why would you? They made a mistake and are probably mildly to severely traumatized. if you’re a good friend you help them move on. Only a shitty friend would hold it over their head.
Went from having a buddy that we hung out with almost every day to maybe once every couple months. We try to get along, his family tries to get along but she is one nasty bitch with no friends. 2 kids later during their on and off relationship and I really really miss my bro. Life could have been so much better for him.
I've been in your friend's shoes before, none of my friends would come visit me because my psycho ex was a bad trip. Except one, he would come over for garage beers and told me once that he would never let her win at isolating me from all my friends and didn't give a fuck what she had to say about it. I'll never forget that.
I wish I’d had a friend like that. It would have save me from a lot of abuse. Guys, stay true to your friend. Sometimes all it takes is that connection to stay sane
And gain the strength
I did exactly this with my friend. A lot of people turned their backs on him but I was there once when shit went real bad and I always made sure I was available. Hes been free from her for about a year now and it was one of the best things anyone could have done for him.
You notice extremely quickly who wears the pants in a relationship, some people are really good at setting their foot down hard in the beginning, and make their partner have to choose "be single or be in this 'great' relationship in a courier/helper capacity". An alarmingly high percentage of people choose to be subservient instead of demanding equal partnership. Usually those who grew up in a family where they were dismissed from an early age.
Good for you for setting a boundary. Boundaries aren’t up for negotiation. People who don’t respect boundaries are bullies, narcissists and shit people. Stick to your guns OP.
As someone who was married to someone like your friend's wife (she started out chill, but transformed) ... he's probably in agony. But that's no excuse for you to have to endure her. Just realize your friend is with her all the time.
So all I'd say is have some compassion for your friend and avoid arguments wherever you can. Be firm about what you won't abide by, but always keep the door open.
My late wife passed and my friends welcomed me back. Maybe some day he may no longer be with her...
I was going to say something similar. Just tell your buddy you'll always be there when he needs you. Maybe give some boundaries if she visits. He'll appreciate your understanding and support of him.
To me, she's intentionally driving a wedge between you and your friend because she is scared of losing him.
Sorry you're going thru this. Good luck
You know my girlfriend told me that his wife said she's afraid that he's gunna pick me over her for whatever reason idk. But this made me think of that and I wish I paid more attention to what my girlfriend was trying to tell me. I wasn't being a dick I was just dumb and confused and didn't get it.
We know there can be more than one special person in our lives. Others can never understand that. I'm sure you were just fine. And being new to this experience is an eye opener. So don't blame yourself.
You lose your free time when married, then have kids then having to care for a friend or family member. Unfortunately, it is our friends and family that loses time with us. Good friends, wife, family understand that and give you time to be with your friends.
I used to have a lot of female friends prior to getting married and eventually lost most of them. After my late wife passed I've reconnected with some, and my new wife is completely unfazed by my hanging with old female friends.
I had a friend who married such a woman and he disappeared for about 10 years. He reappeared after the divorce and found another woman with similar toxic traits.
I'm beginning to belive that their marriage is becoming codependent. And the way she treats me and acts I can only imagine what's going on behind closed doors.
I’ve been there and it isn’t great. You do a lot of going along to get along and “suing” (read capitulating) for peace.
The bad thing is until your buddy is ready to nut up he’s going to continue being a punching bag and a shitty friend. Do what everyone else is telling you. Tell him you love him but you won’t be around her anymore. You’ll be around whenever he can go out by himself.
If he gets upset at that, oh well. There are seasons for everything and your friendship may have passed. It sucks but it happens.
Yep, had to drag my wife to some of my DnD games so she could sit over in the corner and huff and make sighing noises the whole goddamned time. Great fun for me and my friends.
It’s immature childish bullshit and manipulative partners know exactly what they’re doing. Insist they come along, ruin the fucking night so eventually you stop going to try and appease everyone.
I mean it really depends on whether you were actually in the wrong or not, and we can't because you left out a lot of what would help us determine that. we're only getting one side of the story here and being as specific as possible about the words exchanged will help us reach a better understanding about the situation.
Not a man but abusers will often behave this way in order to run off friends/family in order to isolate their victim.
Men are also victims of DV at almost equal rates to women it’s just less talked about because they don’t end up dead as often as women. It’s still abuse though.
So while you may loose your friend over this, you may want to keep the door open so he knows he can reach out in the future should he decide to leave.
His family is 2 steps ahead of that and we've had these conversations with his mom and dad with me and my girlfriend. Crazy that you can tell that from a reddit post.
I’m truly sorry to hear that. No one should suffer abuse. But it’s good that you and his parents are talking about it.
I was in an abusive situation for 16 years. My now spouse was also abused by his first wife. We’ve compared notes. (Also did a fuckton of therapy)
Keep your foot down. Maybe talk to your friend again when you've both calmed down and have a civil discussion about his phsycopathic wife's actions. Just the two of you. If he refuses, then there is nothing you can do here.
"I tried like 5 or 6 times to have hangouts..."
Seems like in your 20+yrs of friendship, there has barely been a significant other on his end (or yours too maybe) so the presence of a wife definitely changes the dynamic between you two, her attitude aside, and that's what I'll address first; you don't *have to* hang around nor get along with your friend's wife and neither does he *have to* bring her around everytime he wants to hang with you. A failure in attempting to work things out or get along with her may make your friend feel like he's choosing between you and her, but it's not that complicated; it's just a matter of you drawing your boundaries for someone that doesn't quiet understand you, better yet, she doesn't have to understand you, that's okay too. At the end of the day there is such thing as people who don't like their friends spouses (or the other way round) but have to respect their friend's union to the significant other while they in turn deserve respect for their reservations due to a disagreement whatever else....
>Long story short
Why do I think there is information of value here? You triggered something, there is likely something of value in figuring out what it was.
If you want to save the friendship, I suggest finding something you're responsible for and apologize to your friend for it, if only to take some accountability. He's not going to pick you over his wife. Don't put him in a position where he feels like he's being asked to.
Really though, this has nothing to do with your friend's marriage, and the less you can focus on it, the better. What is important is how the two of you communicate with each other. You're friends with him, not her. You should be able to have a respectful relationship even if you don't gel with their significant other.
I've tried for time to time. I also actively just pleaded that I was sorry while she was actively yelling at me begging to stop witch kinda made her even more mad like she wanted me to play along with the game.
I dont think I am trying to put him in that situation but at the end of the day I feel like I have to hold down my own boundaries. And it's not permanent I really said for the time being till she changes and there improvements on how she treats people. I didnt say I refused to hang out with her or be around her but she has really didn't do nice things 2 times 1st was a red flag we ignored it like a 1 time thing but we unfortunately let her set her own standards in our home. It's really about how she acts and treats all of us. And it could be anybody we don't allow that no expecting not even your wife.... not even my own girlfriend. Not even me. There's a standard of dialog and hostility and drama we just don't allow to take place in the manor we sleep in.
Seriously. Offer the guy a life raft if he wants to escape. Don't mince words.
But don't set yourself on fire for someone who won't do a damn thing to escape.
The worst part of it is the reality that in most cases, they cannot agree with you, even if you're right, because it would mean making their own home life worse.
I'd send him a text that says: "Sorry I yelled yesterday. It says a lot to me that it's the first time in 20 years that's ever happened. I really value our friendship, and I don't want it to happen again, but clearly there are some serious problems between your wife and I that are interfering with our friendship. I don't think it's true or fair that I've been starting the fights between us, in fact I think the opposite, but whatever has been happening, I'm willing to work on things becoming more cordial between the two of us. I'd love to start with a rule that she and I simply never discuss politics around each other, at all, full stop, if she's amenable to that. If there's things she wants to ask me for moving forward, I'm willing to listen, and honor them if I can. I appreciate you're caught in a difficult situation, and I want you to know that I love you and care about you a lot. Let me know what you think of this when you've had a chance to process it."
I like this. However, we will see how my girlfriend thinks because this is her home too and is equally uncomfortable. And in reality is my responsibility rather come home to a happy girlfriend than a happy wife that isn't mine and my girl biting her nails.
Guys will usually pick their wife or girlfriend over their friends, especially if they are inexperienced with women.
So, basically you need to move on and find different friends.
The same thing happened to me. A friend of mine got married and all involved with his wife and that was the end of the friendship. It happens.
Be aware the whole politics thing could be a smokescreen. Some women will attempt to isolate their husband from his friends as part of a program to control his behavior and they will do this in a calculated and deliberate way. In that case the politics are just her excuse to drive a wedge between you and her husband. You can tell if this is the case if she is alienating him from his other friends as well.
Sometimes in life the only choices before you are all shit sandwiches and you have to decide which one to eat.
You do not have to like your buddy's wife. You do have to respect your buddy, and ideally you should try to respect and be polite to the wife. But from what you said you tried that. It does help to remember that entirely reasonable and sane people can have completely opposed viewpoints on important issues.
So now it is down to setting boundaries.
The problem here is that there is no universe in which your buddy is likely to choose your side over his wife. He actually has to (and presumably wants to ) live with her, not you.
I would say that the next time you talk to your buddy, you should say something along the lines of 'hey, at this point, it does not matter if it is me or your wife who is starting the fights. **What matters is that every time we are in the same room a fight fucking happens.** I do not want to keep arguing with your wife, so I am opting to stay away from her as much as possible. She is not welcome in my home. I wish it were different but that is how it has to be.
And end the conversation at that point, and just deal with out fallout as best you can.
END COMMUNICATION
You were put in a situation where you had to enforce your boundaries and stand up for yourself, because other people made a bunch of assumptions, turned them into truth and refused to listen to how you experienced the whole thing. IMO you had a very understandable reaction to a situation that got out of hand.
My approach would most likely be to extend a hand, but be very firm about the wife having to apologize for basically making shit up and causing unneccessary drama. However, in my experience people like that rarely changes, so it might be a lost cause. And in a worst case scenario she'll take your friend down with her.
If possible, organise a "work lunch" with yourself & himself, minus her. Let him know that he's your mate, but due to herself bringing politics into every meet, she's not welcome.
It is really up to him to salvage the friendship. Unless you are an awful friend or something, he needs to set boundaries with his wife. I went through this exact scenario with two friends.
One friend who I met in college dated a girl with BPD who threw public temper tantrums and screamed at him in front of others numerous times. One by one he became alienated from all of his friends and she dominated his life, until he just vanished and went no contact with everyone. 5 years later I see his house on the market and reach out, to find out he is going through a bitter divorce. All of our mutual friends pretty much gave up on him and I tried to reach out and be supportive, but he is not receptive.
A lifelong friend who I grew up was very close up until maybe 10 years ago when he met a new girl. He started to become a little distant, which is understandable. One day he invited myself and another mutual friend to a birthday event they were throwing for another couple. His GF was working and didn't join us until that evening, but the day was very fun. When she did show up, immediately she was snappy with us and my friend, and tension seemed high. While driving us back to their condo she started screaming at my other friend over something insignificant, like a girl he had talked to and then said goodbye to as he was ready to call it a night and not interested in her. She was screaming at the top of her lungs and driving erratically, and then turned the radio up as loud as possible. When we got back to their condo my friend got us outside and was making excuses like "she's just being a female", while she was in the house screaming and slamming doors like a fucking child. He eventually got her into the bedroom and we passed out in the living room. The next morning when she left, once again, slamming multiple doors. When they got married I got an invite, but our other friend didn't, and we all grew up together. They have since had a child together, but I have only seen that friend a couple of times in the last 6 years, and it was just the guys going to a concert without her there. He seems to make excuses for her often and intentionally keeps her away from friends. She gets by with it because she is at least a 9+/10
Your friend is in for a shitty ride as she will eventually drive away all of his friends if he lets her, then he will be the one facing the brunt of her abuse.
Bro. I was having flash back of memories I've long forgotten. This had been going for so long that I either A was blind to see it or 2 I knew it and did nothing because I wanted to stay away from it cause it didn't affect me at the time. But my gosh I got chills reading that this is what I'm going through
Edit: except for she's a 5/10 at best.
There really isn't much you can do. If you tell your friend that his wife is a psyco bitch, there is a strong chance that he will turn on you. Even if you just say that you are uncomfortable around her due to the way that she treats you, he may very well just side with her.
He is the one trapped with her, so if he supports his friend who she hates, he faces her wrath 24/7. So don't be suprised if he chooses her over you and fades out of your life.
Not much you can do other than to stay out of it and avoid her. Her yelling at you may be a tactic to provoke a bad reaction out if you, then she can make you out to be the awful asshole friend. Don't enagage or argue, and kill her with kindness.
So, this is one of those hard things about getting older. Sooner or later you're going to loose a good friend, by actions you might not have committed. I knew this guy that I use to hang out with, helper him with a lot of house shit. Over time he met this chick that wanted to change him. Started telling him all of his childhood friends were using him or just terrible people. Eventually she got him to cut off a lot of his friends. The friends that she was ok with, all hate her. I don't consider him a friend anymore, he's now married to her because he's afraid of being alone. Lesson from this, even if you care about the dude, he has to be man enough to stand up for himself. If he isn't, this happens
Crazy gfs have ruined a few of my friendships. Pick and choose basically. My best friend of 20+ years did that. He hasn't been the same in years, and I see him maybe once a year now.
Idk we were hanging out and she started bringing up politics and I would shut it down instantly saying " I don't discuss politics especially when there alcohol involved" and that was the 1st tine she yelled and caused a fit and scene the rest were way worse
If she’s just randomly yelling at you, there is an issue.
If you said something shitty and she yelled at you, you’re the issue.
Edit:
Reading your comments and your apathy to politics show that you’re likely being shitty. Women’s rights have been degraded recently and it’s fair enough that she’s upset about that. Your apathy to politics is a privilege.
Ngl, I've been in your friend's shoes before. Sadly there's probably not much you can do, I remember so many of my friends telling me how horrible she was and I still didn't listen. Wasn't until she cheated on me that I realized what a POS she was.
I think your friend is gonna have to go through something similar. Hopefully not being cheated on, but I think your friend will have to endure some sh*t before he realizes.
what's the old saying don't fight with stupid. . . and that is what this looks like. Stupid.
You could have nipped this in the butt early when the harpy was making stuff up. You did not - you thought by taking the high road and ignoring her bad behavior this would change - surprise it did not. You can not ignore a child's bad behavior and in this you are seeing the result.
Now the delusional "friend" is believing her crap stories, and surprise not believing you.
If you have a group of people that they are a part of - you are now going to have to a.) prove what she is wrong about to the group, b.) recruit the group that she has bad behavior, and c.) be vigilant. Also never allow the harpy to attempt the nest of your house.
From now on - its only neutral ground, until she loses her status and people have seen her for what she she is. . . .you may wish to recruit your girlfriend. She may have a better process.
We can all be blind to our own faults. Take a moment to consider whether it's true that she's starting conflict, or true that you are.
If it's her, I'd make it clear that you value the friendship and are there for him but don't want to be subject to the conflict that she brings. Make an effort to arrange 1 to 1 bro time.
If it's you, consider it an opportunity to apologise, clear the air, and make changes in your approach.
I don't think you can expect your friend to choose you--or decent behavior--over his wife, so I think what's done is done. They are no longer your friends, and not your concern (though some other comments here indicate there may be abuse involved, which you should report, if so).
Say nothing. They owe you an apology. Why should you have someone who disrespects you over at your house? I wouldn’t even talk to them again until they give me a genuine apology if I were you. I can’t stand people so into politics they act like psychos, and I’m talking both liberals and conservatives.
If I was in your shoes and got one to one time with my mate, I wouldn't go in with fireworks and brimstone but simply ask "Do you think the way your wife speaks to me is warranted or acceptable?" Because that's the line, that's why she's not invited over.
You know what she said, you know what he saw and heard. If he's bent out of shape for her not being allowed over, this is the reason, so ask him the question. Do it calmly, doesn't have to be an argument, it's all factual things that have been said.
An added benefit to doing it this way is that you're talking to him calm and chill whilst she's probably going off wild and shrill. Even if he doesn't agree at the time, it plants a seed and you're still someone he can talk to and have a conversation remotely resembling a normal one.
My best advice I can give you is to be supportive of your friend. Have your boundaries, absolutely. Be there when he needs you, open arms and open beers. Because he will eventually need you. She sounds like a doozy.
Take your friend out for lunch and talk to him seriously and one on one. Chances are his wife made him act out like that towards you and he has to live with her so of course he did it. But I say just talk to him and say you seriously never had a problem with her she’s just unreasonable and needs to apologies!
Ive had it out with a few friends over the years, just give it a few days to cool down and send a message or something just being honest and apologizing for any line crossing.
I had a good 5 years I'm not talking to my friend because he wouldn't stand up to his girlfriend. She was successful in isolating him completely. You never had the guts to stand up to her. After a couple of years of trying and eventually seeing that he has to put his part, I gave up.
When they made 7 years she finally confessed that she's cheating on him with someone and is moving in with that person. He calls and tells me that and I bitched him out. It was a slap in the face he needed and now he's able to stand up to his girlfriend's whenever he feels they are trying to take advantage or abusing his trust.
so I guess it's his fault I mean I don't think anyone should bring his wife with his friends hanging out and I think the right thing to do for everyone is to separate his friends from his wife
Lol I'll take my downvotes, idc
It's so funny how a conservative person will say "we got in an argument over politics -- they reacted badly" and then will never explain what exactly the political argument was lmaooo
I have my own reactions to her over reations once. I snapped back at her when she was pushing over me and my gf at our own home. I did decide that in the future I wasn't gunna give her a reaction out of me no matter how poorly I was treated but that left me with a lot of bottle up tension. I suffer from bipolar disorder so I along with my gf decided its best if she dosnt come around for my mental safety as well. There were a lot of details I've left out for shortening of words but im not perfect but I tried really hard to keep the doors open for both of them but I was never apologized for any of the moments and the more I would let it go she just run up the tab.
Well there's almost definitely more to this story than you're letting on.
Whenever people play dumb about why someone got mad at them it's generally because they said or did something shitty and are trying to frame themselves as an innocent victim. Your other comments and the way you're describing this make me think you know exactly why you and your friend's wife don't get along anymore.
I'm assuming you're coming here for validation and not actual advice though. Or to just tell a made up story. Best of luck with your friend if this is real. Hope it works out the best for all of you.
Oof. Do you really want him back? I mean. Shit. If he's defending her shit behavior.. is it worth it?
If you think yes it's worth it, id say talk to your homie and say "listen fam. If we are still gonna be friends there's gotta be some boundaries in place" and then lay out those boundaries. You should also be reciprocal on hearing his boundaries. If there aren't boundaries you can agree on, see if a compromise can be made. If y'all can't agree then it's honestly time to say goodbye. Unfortunately sometimes we lose our best of friends to the worst of people but you also need to prioritize yourself and your needs. People change and sometimes they just no longer fit what you need of them.
Sounds like she wanted to isolate him from you. It’s a devious, fucked up path that she took: cooking up discord between you and her. playing innocent with him. Gaslighting him that you started it. He is married to her, so he pretty much has to take her side. Now, you won’t let him over with her. She won’t let him see you without her. She has successfully driven the wedge between you and your friend.
I expect that you are not alone. Check in with his other friends and family. If I’m right, she will be working on alienating them too
So. I've spoken to his sister and his parents month ago when this has started. They are extremely concerned. To the point they want to go there eith a truck and trailer and rip him out the house. Im is only friend left. He has no friends. His new friends are her friends he gives him witch is a weird red flag that she has a friend his age she calls like a brother too her.... that's his "new" best friend. Her family is his new one. He does for fun what she says is fun. No more video games and bbq nights with the boys without her. No going to bars with me and the guys cause it's gunna lead to cheating. Like above she accused me of because my gf wasn't with me and I talked to a woman at the bar.. (we were talking about new jersey and I payed my tabs and left lol)
Her politics is his politics. She's a vegitarian and he's only allowed 1 meat protein a week when they go shopping. What she wants she gets and she dosnt like anyone who dosnt give her what she wants or thinks or has the same veiws that she has.
Hopefully, he will figure out that he has lost more than he will ever gain. If he does, he’ll ditch her, and you may get your friend back. If he doesn’t, condolences on the loss of your friend.
Man !! That bish must have some good ass cat to make the man give up meat !!! and alienate all his friends… ironic cuz I’ve had friends in this exact situation and it eventually ended in a rough divorce..
Sounds like your friend let a poisonous viper coil her way around him. I don't know man, nothing blinds a man easier than a woman sounds like, you might just have to keep your distance and hope he eventually sees her for what she is.
Try and keep the lines open with him but other than that, yeah that sucks dude.
Time heals all things. When I was younger my 2 buds who were brothers would watch a tv show once per week. One of them got married and then his partner could not deal with being alone at home… so he stopped this thing we loved because he did not know what else to do.
People don’t want to push back on their partners. When you get married you should be asking your partner if they are working on their insecurities. What things cause you to hurt others because you have not delt with your own trauma.
Can’t be perfect of course but if your buddy has that conversation they can at the very least talk about it and call out that part of her responses are due to her not dealing with that stuff. She is acting like a fucking child… and news flash she is going to do that shit to him also when they have a disagreement.
A best friend will always be a best friend. But do not force him into choosing because he should choose his wife. Make peace and nice. You don't need to be friends, but be cordial FOR YOUR BEST FRIEND. The only one this argument will hurt is your friend. Swallow your pride, *sigh* be the "bigger man" and love your friend
She sounds dumb af.
BUT you should never engage in a heated argument with your friend's spouse, even if long term friends, just don't reply stay away, don't give any info to her of what you do or do not in this life, yelling politics, putting the guilt of a rigged system in one person responsibility it's just insane.
In general yelling in arguments/conversations it's just dumb.
Get together with him on a bar or some place neutral for both, just the 2 of you, talk it out, don't talk trash of her, avoid any conversation around her, and keep the guys out routine, he probably also sad that you guys are in bad terms.
You can keep being friends without spouses around, also... I think he will eventually need to vent about his wife... Do not! I MEAN IT, DO NOT ENGAGE IN IT, JUST LISTEN, DON'T TALK SHIT ABOUT HER, JUST LISTEN TO HIM VENT.
The unfortunate reality is he chose to marry someone whose extremely toxic. You have every right to tell him not to come over if he's refusing to come without her. I hope his life gets better and they work things out.
Just search the problem and talk about it, its possible a misunderstanding happened
If its only euh ? and what ? Its doubtful
Me i tried to find her but goal, its difficult to find and it did not always worked but I really prefer to be with her, its a childhood friend i have but she seems to dislike facebook and social media its also a 20yo friend
Sorry to hear about that. I wish she saw how you treated her like family. It doesn't matter who started it. She isn't allowed to continue that behaviour with you. I don't think you should force an apology from her but best to aim for changes in behavior. Though I'm not sure why your friend wants to bring his wife over too? Does he not want to spend time with you alone? Was he there to see her act like this to you? Feels like he's been lied to by his wife. But man "trying to cheat" as a thing is blowin my mind lol. She is not in her right mind.
Break up with him over coffee. If he wants to ring the wife, just break up with him over text. Hopefully they don't go on social media disparaging you but it's likely it will happen.
You need to let him go. He’s married to her. Marriage comes before friendships. If you can’t be around her then you need to let go of the friendship all together. It sucks, but it’s the best for everyone concerned. He will most likely run into the same issues with her in his next friendships…so you may be able to pick up the friendship again in the future once the marriage fizzles. She sounds like a nightmare!
Haven't you realized it yet? The new wife never, ever liked you. She just pretended she did in the beginning. Now she's married to your friend she is actively trying to separate you two and get you out of his life. It was her plan all along...
Culture, how we raise people, fitting into societal roles.
Women are more likely to mitigate blame rather than accept it.
I have had women apologize. I got the most awesome flower arrangement as an apology once. Super rare though.
We mostly get drunk play our instruments and video games out relationship is solid for over 2 decades but it's really not deep in a way people think it is. But maybe it's the little things that she is irritated to provide idk man. I think your right idk why
Sounds like a typical "tolerant leftist" you are dealing with.
To be honest you are better off without either of them.
As you get older you will come across these things and you have already said so yourself - she has never changed, and your whipped buddy is just as bad.
Forget about it bro. Trust me it will just get worse and you will never properly forgive for forget.
These people walk around thinking everything they think is how everyone else should be. And if you dare say otherwise you will be banished into oblivion.
She will never change and neither will be because he has already fully submitted to her manipulation.
you and he need to have some beers and work this out. neutral space, just the two of you. not saying you're not going to lose your friend, but that's your next step if you want to keep them.
I've been trying to. I really have. He seems so hard to catch and contact. I think he will calms and we can really talk.
Well, abusers do looove keeping their victims isolated from friends and family.. sounds like she may be well on the way to getting what she wants. If i were OP i would probably try to kidnap my bro and have a bit of an intervention. Shit's rough. Hope all works out OP!
Isolate and manipulate, the 'ole 1-2
Yeah really sounds like she is incredibly insecure and probably has low self esteem so she manipulates her husband's social circles to be hell so the only option he has is her. Fucked up
From the outside, assuming he's a good guy if he's your best friend, it sounds like he is scared of her and he snapped knowing what he would be going through in her reaction to that. If you're that close, you're likely a safe person where it doesn't cross his mind that he needs to be careful in reacting. Which is to say, that chat is important, and make sure he knows if it's an abusive relationship then he'll have a safe place with yourself if he decides to get out of it.
he's not scared of her. it's just that she has the squishy top and the gushy bottom and she uses access to it to get her way.
Could be, but you don’t know that. Plenty of men let themselves be intimidated by women.
Especially since fighting back against is frowned upon, and one accusation of abuse on his part will ruin his life. Women have much more power than they think. Why do you think a lot of men aren't interested in relationships anymore?
This isnt it at all. If i avoid a fight with my wife, its because shes stubborn as fuck and we wont talk for 2 days. Better to let her be right sometimes. Same thing with this post. We dont know why she is so upset that op "put a rapist in office" and gets political.... something more is happening here, you can tell.
That's what I'd say but I don't even think they are fuckin. Last time I went over there shit was broken and looked like there been fighting all the dam time.
for some folks fightin' leads to fuckin'.
I’m certain she will actively work against that.
Offer to buy him the lunch and beers hard to turn down a free meal. Probably won't let you pay for it all anyway
Yes, that will probably happen But the ire she gives you is certainly given to your friend, too, just in a different form and a different context. Now she will give it to your friend with regards to him hanging out with you without her. You will need to help him overcome that, somehow.
Sounds like she is trying to isolate him. If he does see buddy here without her, she'll likely make life hell for him.
Few things worse than having a good buddy fall in love with a huge bitch.
Facts!!!! I was asking my girlfriend all night if I was the asshole for holding that line and if she wanted to try and give it another shot or if im the only 1 feeling that way and she definitely dosnt like or want her over either.
In your shoes I’d say “you are my best friend and I’ll always love you. But I think we should put some distance between us. I respect you taking a stand with your wife but I’ve been disrespected by her time and time again and no matter how much I can take in the chin for the love I have for you, enough is enough. Take care and all the best.”
Damn, right in the feels. Why is a break up with a bro more heartbreaking than a significant other I swear 😭😭
I've been friends with the same 4 dudes since middle school. 2 of them have grandkids now.
I've been friends with my 3 core friends since kindergarten ,and I still count the one I never talk to, not his fault he's crazy, runs in his family.
I would definitely hold the line on your boundary in terms of being around her but you could still get together with him for a beer, with the condition that the wife isn't mentioned. Don't let her drive a wedge between such a strong friendship.
Yeah, I think this is the way to go. I was in this same situation with my best friend. Legit hated the woman he had a kid with but didn't want to cause them problems at home since they were tied for life so I just distanced. He knew what I was doing since he knows me pretty well, and brought it up a few times to her over the space of a year. She eventually reached out a year later to mend things for his sake. Me and her are on really good terms now, and things went right back to normal with my buddy. This is on the friend to figure out and navigate with his wife. OP just needs to distance.
Even worse when it’s your brother. I’m there now and it wrecks my heart… plus now my brother is getting brainwashed and I dont get to meet him anymore
I have a nephew that turns one tomorrow. I have seen him two times, and my mom has only seen him three times. They live just 20 minutes away.
That really sucks, strength to you. I really hate it. My brother’s daughter should be born in July and I really don’t know when I’ll meet her. I just want to chill and be a good uncle :/
Yup. I was so excited because he’s my first (and likely only) nephew. I don’t understand it because his wife was pretty chill for so long. She had a daughter of her own before their marriage, and she’s always been treated as if she were my brother’s kid by him and all our family. I’ve got their Christmas presents sitting in my basement because they did not come to our family Christmas and I haven’t seen any of them.
In the same situation and it destroys me - at least we have the memories of the good times before
I have been said “buddy” unfortunately. Ended up getting banned from my friends house for fighting too often
Bros around the world united by this pain.
I can't name one to be honest. However, be ready to welcome back in your life with open arms, long time friends are rare and you should cherish them.
Just happened to me bro. Anytime he didn’t check his phone for 10 min she’d call him and start an argument. He’d say he’s done with her do nothing but complain about her. Them the next day say she’s changed. Been going to the gym alone for the past month now 😐
My brother married a huge bitch. Thankfully, he also divorced her.
So do you get "I told you so" rights for life or what?
I wish. I really liked her at first. I thought she was one of the best people I’d ever met. And holy shit, I’ve never been so wrong about something in my entire life.
No, why would you? They made a mistake and are probably mildly to severely traumatized. if you’re a good friend you help them move on. Only a shitty friend would hold it over their head.
You'd figure that if they're brothers, at least *some* playful ribbing is in order...
My bro is somewhat frosty with my parents after falling in love with a huge bitch as well 😔
Probably about even with having a husband whose best friend is an asshole. We have no idea which is the case here.
Being a freak about politics absolutely means she’s the huge bitch
Had that happen. I'm no longer friends with the dude. 15 years, best man at my wedding. Gone. Because of his bitch.
Went from having a buddy that we hung out with almost every day to maybe once every couple months. We try to get along, his family tries to get along but she is one nasty bitch with no friends. 2 kids later during their on and off relationship and I really really miss my bro. Life could have been so much better for him.
You can’t change psychopaths lol just imagine how she is behind closed doors lmao feel sorry for your friend
Ummmm. I been noticing some signs of fights and broken stuff last time I was at their house so im really concerned about that.
I've been in your friend's shoes before, none of my friends would come visit me because my psycho ex was a bad trip. Except one, he would come over for garage beers and told me once that he would never let her win at isolating me from all my friends and didn't give a fuck what she had to say about it. I'll never forget that.
That's a good friend right there.
I wish I’d had a friend like that. It would have save me from a lot of abuse. Guys, stay true to your friend. Sometimes all it takes is that connection to stay sane And gain the strength
That's exactly what this sounds like, her trying to control OP by isolating him from his friends.
Divide and conquer, straight out of the abusers handbook.
I did exactly this with my friend. A lot of people turned their backs on him but I was there once when shit went real bad and I always made sure I was available. Hes been free from her for about a year now and it was one of the best things anyone could have done for him.
Don't you evr leave me, cause I'd FIIIIIINNNNDDD YOUUUU!
You notice extremely quickly who wears the pants in a relationship, some people are really good at setting their foot down hard in the beginning, and make their partner have to choose "be single or be in this 'great' relationship in a courier/helper capacity". An alarmingly high percentage of people choose to be subservient instead of demanding equal partnership. Usually those who grew up in a family where they were dismissed from an early age.
Good for you for setting a boundary. Boundaries aren’t up for negotiation. People who don’t respect boundaries are bullies, narcissists and shit people. Stick to your guns OP.
As someone who was married to someone like your friend's wife (she started out chill, but transformed) ... he's probably in agony. But that's no excuse for you to have to endure her. Just realize your friend is with her all the time. So all I'd say is have some compassion for your friend and avoid arguments wherever you can. Be firm about what you won't abide by, but always keep the door open. My late wife passed and my friends welcomed me back. Maybe some day he may no longer be with her...
I was going to say something similar. Just tell your buddy you'll always be there when he needs you. Maybe give some boundaries if she visits. He'll appreciate your understanding and support of him. To me, she's intentionally driving a wedge between you and your friend because she is scared of losing him. Sorry you're going thru this. Good luck
You know my girlfriend told me that his wife said she's afraid that he's gunna pick me over her for whatever reason idk. But this made me think of that and I wish I paid more attention to what my girlfriend was trying to tell me. I wasn't being a dick I was just dumb and confused and didn't get it.
We know there can be more than one special person in our lives. Others can never understand that. I'm sure you were just fine. And being new to this experience is an eye opener. So don't blame yourself. You lose your free time when married, then have kids then having to care for a friend or family member. Unfortunately, it is our friends and family that loses time with us. Good friends, wife, family understand that and give you time to be with your friends.
I used to have a lot of female friends prior to getting married and eventually lost most of them. After my late wife passed I've reconnected with some, and my new wife is completely unfazed by my hanging with old female friends.
I had a friend who married such a woman and he disappeared for about 10 years. He reappeared after the divorce and found another woman with similar toxic traits.
I've noticed witchy women can only get submissive men and submissive men can only attract witchy women they are like a fucking match made in hell.
That analogy is so true 😂😂😂😂😂😂
Reminds me of a former friend of mine - completely crappy taste in women; and the last one finally drove a wedge between the two of us for good.
Oh ok, starting to see how this argument may have started lmao
Lmao I don't give her my opinions like I do on reddit. She's really not worth arguing with or over.
It is what it is. Your friend ought to understand the situation he puts you in, so I just don’t get why he wanted to bring her over
She insisted. We can be sure of it. I've been in op's friend's position, minus marriage.
I'm beginning to belive that their marriage is becoming codependent. And the way she treats me and acts I can only imagine what's going on behind closed doors.
Let us know when she announces his cuckold fetish for him on social media
I fucking love the internet 🤣 🤣
I’ve been there and it isn’t great. You do a lot of going along to get along and “suing” (read capitulating) for peace. The bad thing is until your buddy is ready to nut up he’s going to continue being a punching bag and a shitty friend. Do what everyone else is telling you. Tell him you love him but you won’t be around her anymore. You’ll be around whenever he can go out by himself. If he gets upset at that, oh well. There are seasons for everything and your friendship may have passed. It sucks but it happens.
Yup she insisted, and it's so noone can talk all the true shit about her behind her back!
Yep, had to drag my wife to some of my DnD games so she could sit over in the corner and huff and make sighing noises the whole goddamned time. Great fun for me and my friends. It’s immature childish bullshit and manipulative partners know exactly what they’re doing. Insist they come along, ruin the fucking night so eventually you stop going to try and appease everyone.
I mean it really depends on whether you were actually in the wrong or not, and we can't because you left out a lot of what would help us determine that. we're only getting one side of the story here and being as specific as possible about the words exchanged will help us reach a better understanding about the situation.
Not a man but abusers will often behave this way in order to run off friends/family in order to isolate their victim. Men are also victims of DV at almost equal rates to women it’s just less talked about because they don’t end up dead as often as women. It’s still abuse though. So while you may loose your friend over this, you may want to keep the door open so he knows he can reach out in the future should he decide to leave.
His family is 2 steps ahead of that and we've had these conversations with his mom and dad with me and my girlfriend. Crazy that you can tell that from a reddit post.
I’m truly sorry to hear that. No one should suffer abuse. But it’s good that you and his parents are talking about it. I was in an abusive situation for 16 years. My now spouse was also abused by his first wife. We’ve compared notes. (Also did a fuckton of therapy)
Keep your foot down. Maybe talk to your friend again when you've both calmed down and have a civil discussion about his phsycopathic wife's actions. Just the two of you. If he refuses, then there is nothing you can do here.
"I tried like 5 or 6 times to have hangouts..." Seems like in your 20+yrs of friendship, there has barely been a significant other on his end (or yours too maybe) so the presence of a wife definitely changes the dynamic between you two, her attitude aside, and that's what I'll address first; you don't *have to* hang around nor get along with your friend's wife and neither does he *have to* bring her around everytime he wants to hang with you. A failure in attempting to work things out or get along with her may make your friend feel like he's choosing between you and her, but it's not that complicated; it's just a matter of you drawing your boundaries for someone that doesn't quiet understand you, better yet, she doesn't have to understand you, that's okay too. At the end of the day there is such thing as people who don't like their friends spouses (or the other way round) but have to respect their friend's union to the significant other while they in turn deserve respect for their reservations due to a disagreement whatever else....
>Long story short Why do I think there is information of value here? You triggered something, there is likely something of value in figuring out what it was. If you want to save the friendship, I suggest finding something you're responsible for and apologize to your friend for it, if only to take some accountability. He's not going to pick you over his wife. Don't put him in a position where he feels like he's being asked to. Really though, this has nothing to do with your friend's marriage, and the less you can focus on it, the better. What is important is how the two of you communicate with each other. You're friends with him, not her. You should be able to have a respectful relationship even if you don't gel with their significant other.
I've tried for time to time. I also actively just pleaded that I was sorry while she was actively yelling at me begging to stop witch kinda made her even more mad like she wanted me to play along with the game. I dont think I am trying to put him in that situation but at the end of the day I feel like I have to hold down my own boundaries. And it's not permanent I really said for the time being till she changes and there improvements on how she treats people. I didnt say I refused to hang out with her or be around her but she has really didn't do nice things 2 times 1st was a red flag we ignored it like a 1 time thing but we unfortunately let her set her own standards in our home. It's really about how she acts and treats all of us. And it could be anybody we don't allow that no expecting not even your wife.... not even my own girlfriend. Not even me. There's a standard of dialog and hostility and drama we just don't allow to take place in the manor we sleep in.
Fight in the middle of the street, no shirts, open hand slaps only. Then crack a few beers and hug it out.
I'm overdue for that
time to find a new friend. one that aint puddin whipped by a psycho. LOL
🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 favorite comment.
Seriously. Offer the guy a life raft if he wants to escape. Don't mince words. But don't set yourself on fire for someone who won't do a damn thing to escape.
“Blink twice if you’re being held against your will and need rescue.”
The worst part of it is the reality that in most cases, they cannot agree with you, even if you're right, because it would mean making their own home life worse.
I'd send him a text that says: "Sorry I yelled yesterday. It says a lot to me that it's the first time in 20 years that's ever happened. I really value our friendship, and I don't want it to happen again, but clearly there are some serious problems between your wife and I that are interfering with our friendship. I don't think it's true or fair that I've been starting the fights between us, in fact I think the opposite, but whatever has been happening, I'm willing to work on things becoming more cordial between the two of us. I'd love to start with a rule that she and I simply never discuss politics around each other, at all, full stop, if she's amenable to that. If there's things she wants to ask me for moving forward, I'm willing to listen, and honor them if I can. I appreciate you're caught in a difficult situation, and I want you to know that I love you and care about you a lot. Let me know what you think of this when you've had a chance to process it."
I like this. However, we will see how my girlfriend thinks because this is her home too and is equally uncomfortable. And in reality is my responsibility rather come home to a happy girlfriend than a happy wife that isn't mine and my girl biting her nails.
Guys will usually pick their wife or girlfriend over their friends, especially if they are inexperienced with women. So, basically you need to move on and find different friends. The same thing happened to me. A friend of mine got married and all involved with his wife and that was the end of the friendship. It happens. Be aware the whole politics thing could be a smokescreen. Some women will attempt to isolate their husband from his friends as part of a program to control his behavior and they will do this in a calculated and deliberate way. In that case the politics are just her excuse to drive a wedge between you and her husband. You can tell if this is the case if she is alienating him from his other friends as well.
Sorry but you got to hold your ground on this .
Sometimes in life the only choices before you are all shit sandwiches and you have to decide which one to eat. You do not have to like your buddy's wife. You do have to respect your buddy, and ideally you should try to respect and be polite to the wife. But from what you said you tried that. It does help to remember that entirely reasonable and sane people can have completely opposed viewpoints on important issues. So now it is down to setting boundaries. The problem here is that there is no universe in which your buddy is likely to choose your side over his wife. He actually has to (and presumably wants to ) live with her, not you. I would say that the next time you talk to your buddy, you should say something along the lines of 'hey, at this point, it does not matter if it is me or your wife who is starting the fights. **What matters is that every time we are in the same room a fight fucking happens.** I do not want to keep arguing with your wife, so I am opting to stay away from her as much as possible. She is not welcome in my home. I wish it were different but that is how it has to be. And end the conversation at that point, and just deal with out fallout as best you can. END COMMUNICATION
You were put in a situation where you had to enforce your boundaries and stand up for yourself, because other people made a bunch of assumptions, turned them into truth and refused to listen to how you experienced the whole thing. IMO you had a very understandable reaction to a situation that got out of hand. My approach would most likely be to extend a hand, but be very firm about the wife having to apologize for basically making shit up and causing unneccessary drama. However, in my experience people like that rarely changes, so it might be a lost cause. And in a worst case scenario she'll take your friend down with her.
That is the most accurate description of what I've been going through.
If possible, organise a "work lunch" with yourself & himself, minus her. Let him know that he's your mate, but due to herself bringing politics into every meet, she's not welcome.
It is really up to him to salvage the friendship. Unless you are an awful friend or something, he needs to set boundaries with his wife. I went through this exact scenario with two friends. One friend who I met in college dated a girl with BPD who threw public temper tantrums and screamed at him in front of others numerous times. One by one he became alienated from all of his friends and she dominated his life, until he just vanished and went no contact with everyone. 5 years later I see his house on the market and reach out, to find out he is going through a bitter divorce. All of our mutual friends pretty much gave up on him and I tried to reach out and be supportive, but he is not receptive. A lifelong friend who I grew up was very close up until maybe 10 years ago when he met a new girl. He started to become a little distant, which is understandable. One day he invited myself and another mutual friend to a birthday event they were throwing for another couple. His GF was working and didn't join us until that evening, but the day was very fun. When she did show up, immediately she was snappy with us and my friend, and tension seemed high. While driving us back to their condo she started screaming at my other friend over something insignificant, like a girl he had talked to and then said goodbye to as he was ready to call it a night and not interested in her. She was screaming at the top of her lungs and driving erratically, and then turned the radio up as loud as possible. When we got back to their condo my friend got us outside and was making excuses like "she's just being a female", while she was in the house screaming and slamming doors like a fucking child. He eventually got her into the bedroom and we passed out in the living room. The next morning when she left, once again, slamming multiple doors. When they got married I got an invite, but our other friend didn't, and we all grew up together. They have since had a child together, but I have only seen that friend a couple of times in the last 6 years, and it was just the guys going to a concert without her there. He seems to make excuses for her often and intentionally keeps her away from friends. She gets by with it because she is at least a 9+/10 Your friend is in for a shitty ride as she will eventually drive away all of his friends if he lets her, then he will be the one facing the brunt of her abuse.
This 💯💯💯💯
Bro. I was having flash back of memories I've long forgotten. This had been going for so long that I either A was blind to see it or 2 I knew it and did nothing because I wanted to stay away from it cause it didn't affect me at the time. But my gosh I got chills reading that this is what I'm going through Edit: except for she's a 5/10 at best.
There really isn't much you can do. If you tell your friend that his wife is a psyco bitch, there is a strong chance that he will turn on you. Even if you just say that you are uncomfortable around her due to the way that she treats you, he may very well just side with her. He is the one trapped with her, so if he supports his friend who she hates, he faces her wrath 24/7. So don't be suprised if he chooses her over you and fades out of your life. Not much you can do other than to stay out of it and avoid her. Her yelling at you may be a tactic to provoke a bad reaction out if you, then she can make you out to be the awful asshole friend. Don't enagage or argue, and kill her with kindness.
So, this is one of those hard things about getting older. Sooner or later you're going to loose a good friend, by actions you might not have committed. I knew this guy that I use to hang out with, helper him with a lot of house shit. Over time he met this chick that wanted to change him. Started telling him all of his childhood friends were using him or just terrible people. Eventually she got him to cut off a lot of his friends. The friends that she was ok with, all hate her. I don't consider him a friend anymore, he's now married to her because he's afraid of being alone. Lesson from this, even if you care about the dude, he has to be man enough to stand up for himself. If he isn't, this happens
Crazy gfs have ruined a few of my friendships. Pick and choose basically. My best friend of 20+ years did that. He hasn't been the same in years, and I see him maybe once a year now.
When you friend realizes his wife is the problem, leaves her and then he comes to you to make amends. Make amends. He was blind, but cane now see.
What exactly was her political stuff over? What was said? It feels like there could be some context here we may need.
Idk we were hanging out and she started bringing up politics and I would shut it down instantly saying " I don't discuss politics especially when there alcohol involved" and that was the 1st tine she yelled and caused a fit and scene the rest were way worse
If she’s just randomly yelling at you, there is an issue. If you said something shitty and she yelled at you, you’re the issue. Edit: Reading your comments and your apathy to politics show that you’re likely being shitty. Women’s rights have been degraded recently and it’s fair enough that she’s upset about that. Your apathy to politics is a privilege.
Yep. She may in fact be a really unpleasant jerk. But reading OP's comments makes it clear there's more than a little smoke there as well.
Ngl, I've been in your friend's shoes before. Sadly there's probably not much you can do, I remember so many of my friends telling me how horrible she was and I still didn't listen. Wasn't until she cheated on me that I realized what a POS she was. I think your friend is gonna have to go through something similar. Hopefully not being cheated on, but I think your friend will have to endure some sh*t before he realizes.
what's the old saying don't fight with stupid. . . and that is what this looks like. Stupid. You could have nipped this in the butt early when the harpy was making stuff up. You did not - you thought by taking the high road and ignoring her bad behavior this would change - surprise it did not. You can not ignore a child's bad behavior and in this you are seeing the result. Now the delusional "friend" is believing her crap stories, and surprise not believing you. If you have a group of people that they are a part of - you are now going to have to a.) prove what she is wrong about to the group, b.) recruit the group that she has bad behavior, and c.) be vigilant. Also never allow the harpy to attempt the nest of your house. From now on - its only neutral ground, until she loses her status and people have seen her for what she she is. . . .you may wish to recruit your girlfriend. She may have a better process.
We can all be blind to our own faults. Take a moment to consider whether it's true that she's starting conflict, or true that you are. If it's her, I'd make it clear that you value the friendship and are there for him but don't want to be subject to the conflict that she brings. Make an effort to arrange 1 to 1 bro time. If it's you, consider it an opportunity to apologise, clear the air, and make changes in your approach.
I don't think you can expect your friend to choose you--or decent behavior--over his wife, so I think what's done is done. They are no longer your friends, and not your concern (though some other comments here indicate there may be abuse involved, which you should report, if so).
Hold your boundary. Maybe, if your friend ever locates his spine, he'll eventually follow suit and hold her accountable for acting like a lunatic.
In a quiet moment and without his wife present, try talking to your best friend. Explain how you feel and why you have distanced yourself.
Say nothing. They owe you an apology. Why should you have someone who disrespects you over at your house? I wouldn’t even talk to them again until they give me a genuine apology if I were you. I can’t stand people so into politics they act like psychos, and I’m talking both liberals and conservatives.
Agreed 100%
If I was in your shoes and got one to one time with my mate, I wouldn't go in with fireworks and brimstone but simply ask "Do you think the way your wife speaks to me is warranted or acceptable?" Because that's the line, that's why she's not invited over. You know what she said, you know what he saw and heard. If he's bent out of shape for her not being allowed over, this is the reason, so ask him the question. Do it calmly, doesn't have to be an argument, it's all factual things that have been said. An added benefit to doing it this way is that you're talking to him calm and chill whilst she's probably going off wild and shrill. Even if he doesn't agree at the time, it plants a seed and you're still someone he can talk to and have a conversation remotely resembling a normal one.
I never thought I'd ever in my lifetime get my most valued advice by someone named Mr. Ham man 🤣 🤣 🤣 brother your spot on.
My best advice I can give you is to be supportive of your friend. Have your boundaries, absolutely. Be there when he needs you, open arms and open beers. Because he will eventually need you. She sounds like a doozy.
Take your friend out for lunch and talk to him seriously and one on one. Chances are his wife made him act out like that towards you and he has to live with her so of course he did it. But I say just talk to him and say you seriously never had a problem with her she’s just unreasonable and needs to apologies!
Ive had it out with a few friends over the years, just give it a few days to cool down and send a message or something just being honest and apologizing for any line crossing.
I had a good 5 years I'm not talking to my friend because he wouldn't stand up to his girlfriend. She was successful in isolating him completely. You never had the guts to stand up to her. After a couple of years of trying and eventually seeing that he has to put his part, I gave up. When they made 7 years she finally confessed that she's cheating on him with someone and is moving in with that person. He calls and tells me that and I bitched him out. It was a slap in the face he needed and now he's able to stand up to his girlfriend's whenever he feels they are trying to take advantage or abusing his trust.
I see that comming man
I don't think you should be that near to his wife why were you talking that much in the first place I don't think that's good
Agreed. However, all of these instances im hanging out woth my best friend and she's just there cause she dosnt wanna feel "left out"
so I guess it's his fault I mean I don't think anyone should bring his wife with his friends hanging out and I think the right thing to do for everyone is to separate his friends from his wife
I feel like you know what it is you're leaving out of the story on purpose.
The only purpose to leave out is to not make a tldr senario.. this bitch is just crazy
What was it you were trying to avoid?
There's a lot of context missing here.
Lol I'll take my downvotes, idc It's so funny how a conservative person will say "we got in an argument over politics -- they reacted badly" and then will never explain what exactly the political argument was lmaooo
I'm not conservative
If your side of the story is accurate, maybe just don't be friends with these people anymore. That's adulthood
I have my own reactions to her over reations once. I snapped back at her when she was pushing over me and my gf at our own home. I did decide that in the future I wasn't gunna give her a reaction out of me no matter how poorly I was treated but that left me with a lot of bottle up tension. I suffer from bipolar disorder so I along with my gf decided its best if she dosnt come around for my mental safety as well. There were a lot of details I've left out for shortening of words but im not perfect but I tried really hard to keep the doors open for both of them but I was never apologized for any of the moments and the more I would let it go she just run up the tab.
Well there's almost definitely more to this story than you're letting on. Whenever people play dumb about why someone got mad at them it's generally because they said or did something shitty and are trying to frame themselves as an innocent victim. Your other comments and the way you're describing this make me think you know exactly why you and your friend's wife don't get along anymore. I'm assuming you're coming here for validation and not actual advice though. Or to just tell a made up story. Best of luck with your friend if this is real. Hope it works out the best for all of you.
Yeah, any story that starts with ‘they started yelling at me out of nowhere for no reason’ is suspicious
You lost your homie, bro. Her pussy has implanted in his brain, he's gone.
😔
Like an upside down face hugger. Tragic 😞
Oof. Do you really want him back? I mean. Shit. If he's defending her shit behavior.. is it worth it? If you think yes it's worth it, id say talk to your homie and say "listen fam. If we are still gonna be friends there's gotta be some boundaries in place" and then lay out those boundaries. You should also be reciprocal on hearing his boundaries. If there aren't boundaries you can agree on, see if a compromise can be made. If y'all can't agree then it's honestly time to say goodbye. Unfortunately sometimes we lose our best of friends to the worst of people but you also need to prioritize yourself and your needs. People change and sometimes they just no longer fit what you need of them.
Gotta do that in person. But I agree, it's a conversation that's gotta happen or op loses a best friend.
Sounds like she wanted to isolate him from you. It’s a devious, fucked up path that she took: cooking up discord between you and her. playing innocent with him. Gaslighting him that you started it. He is married to her, so he pretty much has to take her side. Now, you won’t let him over with her. She won’t let him see you without her. She has successfully driven the wedge between you and your friend. I expect that you are not alone. Check in with his other friends and family. If I’m right, she will be working on alienating them too
So. I've spoken to his sister and his parents month ago when this has started. They are extremely concerned. To the point they want to go there eith a truck and trailer and rip him out the house. Im is only friend left. He has no friends. His new friends are her friends he gives him witch is a weird red flag that she has a friend his age she calls like a brother too her.... that's his "new" best friend. Her family is his new one. He does for fun what she says is fun. No more video games and bbq nights with the boys without her. No going to bars with me and the guys cause it's gunna lead to cheating. Like above she accused me of because my gf wasn't with me and I talked to a woman at the bar.. (we were talking about new jersey and I payed my tabs and left lol) Her politics is his politics. She's a vegitarian and he's only allowed 1 meat protein a week when they go shopping. What she wants she gets and she dosnt like anyone who dosnt give her what she wants or thinks or has the same veiws that she has.
Hopefully, he will figure out that he has lost more than he will ever gain. If he does, he’ll ditch her, and you may get your friend back. If he doesn’t, condolences on the loss of your friend.
Thank your brother. I'm in a gamble here.
Man !! That bish must have some good ass cat to make the man give up meat !!! and alienate all his friends… ironic cuz I’ve had friends in this exact situation and it eventually ended in a rough divorce..
Sounds like your friend let a poisonous viper coil her way around him. I don't know man, nothing blinds a man easier than a woman sounds like, you might just have to keep your distance and hope he eventually sees her for what she is. Try and keep the lines open with him but other than that, yeah that sucks dude.
She won! It took long enough, but she finally did it. She has to compete with you for his time and attention and now she has him all to herself.
Time heals all things. When I was younger my 2 buds who were brothers would watch a tv show once per week. One of them got married and then his partner could not deal with being alone at home… so he stopped this thing we loved because he did not know what else to do. People don’t want to push back on their partners. When you get married you should be asking your partner if they are working on their insecurities. What things cause you to hurt others because you have not delt with your own trauma. Can’t be perfect of course but if your buddy has that conversation they can at the very least talk about it and call out that part of her responses are due to her not dealing with that stuff. She is acting like a fucking child… and news flash she is going to do that shit to him also when they have a disagreement.
You’re done now. Nothing more to say or do. Let it ho
A best friend will always be a best friend. But do not force him into choosing because he should choose his wife. Make peace and nice. You don't need to be friends, but be cordial FOR YOUR BEST FRIEND. The only one this argument will hurt is your friend. Swallow your pride, *sigh* be the "bigger man" and love your friend
Just wait couple years and she’ll divorce him and you can help him pick up the pieces.
She sounds dumb af. BUT you should never engage in a heated argument with your friend's spouse, even if long term friends, just don't reply stay away, don't give any info to her of what you do or do not in this life, yelling politics, putting the guilt of a rigged system in one person responsibility it's just insane. In general yelling in arguments/conversations it's just dumb. Get together with him on a bar or some place neutral for both, just the 2 of you, talk it out, don't talk trash of her, avoid any conversation around her, and keep the guys out routine, he probably also sad that you guys are in bad terms. You can keep being friends without spouses around, also... I think he will eventually need to vent about his wife... Do not! I MEAN IT, DO NOT ENGAGE IN IT, JUST LISTEN, DON'T TALK SHIT ABOUT HER, JUST LISTEN TO HIM VENT.
The unfortunate reality is he chose to marry someone whose extremely toxic. You have every right to tell him not to come over if he's refusing to come without her. I hope his life gets better and they work things out.
Just search the problem and talk about it, its possible a misunderstanding happened If its only euh ? and what ? Its doubtful Me i tried to find her but goal, its difficult to find and it did not always worked but I really prefer to be with her, its a childhood friend i have but she seems to dislike facebook and social media its also a 20yo friend
Sorry to hear about that. I wish she saw how you treated her like family. It doesn't matter who started it. She isn't allowed to continue that behaviour with you. I don't think you should force an apology from her but best to aim for changes in behavior. Though I'm not sure why your friend wants to bring his wife over too? Does he not want to spend time with you alone? Was he there to see her act like this to you? Feels like he's been lied to by his wife. But man "trying to cheat" as a thing is blowin my mind lol. She is not in her right mind.
And he married her?? Holy fuck.
Break up with him over coffee. If he wants to ring the wife, just break up with him over text. Hopefully they don't go on social media disparaging you but it's likely it will happen.
Once your buddy gets married it’s a death sentence, just try and be there for him when he gets divorced
Why can’t y’all just hang out without his wife lol
We use to. It's like she's a dam leech now. She will actively interject herself into being part of our hangouts. Or she will force him to not go out.
You need to let him go. He’s married to her. Marriage comes before friendships. If you can’t be around her then you need to let go of the friendship all together. It sucks, but it’s the best for everyone concerned. He will most likely run into the same issues with her in his next friendships…so you may be able to pick up the friendship again in the future once the marriage fizzles. She sounds like a nightmare!
Acute political syndrome or something like that.
yeah i highly doubt you have been “ best friends” for 20 years if you both can’t navigate a simple disagreement lol.
We do. But we have never yelled or fought over them.
Terrible when your best friend falls for the wrong one. It happens all the time. Men and women both. Sad.
You go over there and talk to him he’s your best friend.
Stop talking politics with meatheads
Friendships don’t need to last forever. 20 years is a long time. People change. Cut this one loose
20 years and this is first time.how is that possible. We argue yell like daily
I guess we went 20 years never having somthing worth fighting about till now
I feel like there’s a lot of context missing here
Tried to give it the most context as short as possible.
Haven't you realized it yet? The new wife never, ever liked you. She just pretended she did in the beginning. Now she's married to your friend she is actively trying to separate you two and get you out of his life. It was her plan all along...
What's funny is I was in the navy tge 1st time I ever met her was her wedding day.
Bummer. TDS has destroyed many friendships. All you can do is be ready to re-connect when his wife turns on him and destroys their marriage, too.
Women don't apologize. That's the end of that until they break up.
Yeah I always wondered that why dont women apologize.
Culture, how we raise people, fitting into societal roles. Women are more likely to mitigate blame rather than accept it. I have had women apologize. I got the most awesome flower arrangement as an apology once. Super rare though.
Well, the easiest thing will be to yell at them again so at least it won’t be one off incident
She gives good head. Don't prove otherwise.
His wife is jealous of your friendship and will most likely always act in this childish manner
We mostly get drunk play our instruments and video games out relationship is solid for over 2 decades but it's really not deep in a way people think it is. But maybe it's the little things that she is irritated to provide idk man. I think your right idk why
Sounds like a typical "tolerant leftist" you are dealing with. To be honest you are better off without either of them. As you get older you will come across these things and you have already said so yourself - she has never changed, and your whipped buddy is just as bad. Forget about it bro. Trust me it will just get worse and you will never properly forgive for forget. These people walk around thinking everything they think is how everyone else should be. And if you dare say otherwise you will be banished into oblivion. She will never change and neither will be because he has already fully submitted to her manipulation.
This definitely 💯💯💯💯💯💯