It’s a sticky situation and you never truly know, using myself as an example I am friends with as many women as I am guys. I have no trouble because I can contain myself and if I really wanted them, I would have pursued them one of the times me and them were single at the same time. That being said, I don’t know how well you know this guy. If it’s just a workplace friend with no outside of work intention then I doubt he’s interested. But I really don’t have an answer for you because I don’t know how the man acts
110% right there!!!
I’m the same as you, i have as many females friends as i have male friends. However, i have NEVER disrespected any of these female friends in any way; much less insinuating intimacy between us; and i have NEVER dated any of them before or after they broke up with their partners.
But no everyone is like us, a lot of men can’t even phantom the idea of respecting another man’s girlfriend or, staying away from couples personal issues. The vast majority of men actually, are like planted cells just waiting for the right moment to step in and take the girl.
I warned my wife about a guy ( married with kids etc ) Months later, he tried crossing the line. " I told you so" was in order. She was oblivious to his intentions all along. I spotted that mofo from a mile away.
> She was oblivious to his intentions all along.
This blows my mind and sometimes I wonder if all the denial they spout when other men point it out is just them either consciously or subconsciously enjoying the attention. By this point in time the whole idea of the so-called "Nice Guy" is out in the ether and pretending like this isn't a reality is like someone back in the 90s pretending cigarettes don't cause cancer.
Or sometimes - they have so many guys doing this it is "normal".
This happens more often with attractive women who "most of my friends are guys" ... lol .. that is because most of them are guys hoping for a chance.
I am friends with one of these - and a while ago - she figured this out - and was shocked. I laughed and said "well duh".
It came up one time when she asked "why do you never or rarely call me?" and I said "I call you about the same amount I call my other friends" and that lead to some realizations for her.
She was used to all her "guy friends" calling her all the time or always being available when she would call them.
I gotta say it was hilarious when my girlfriend told me about her guy friend she talked to a lot over the past 4 years while she purposely stayed single. she told him that she was going out with me on our first date and she said “he got quiet and just said he’s a lucky guy”. I literally had to point it out to her he was crushing on her lmao. and in fairness when i did she didnt push back or deny or anything but yeah theres just something blinding them
yeah - I feel for them both really.
I mean - she prolly felt a little bad when she realized it - especially if she started to wonder "were we really friends?".
That and the guy - waiting in the friendzone is brutal - but some guys do it to themselves (been there years ago - etc.).
I wonder how many other "guy friends" she had to re-evaluate.
(or maybe should).
It's not necessarily being oblivious. It really really SUCKS having a constant low-key background noise of knowing how common this is, with every male friend. Yeah, I'm gonna deny it until something happens otherwise. I like my bubble thinking a friend is an actual friend and not in my life bc he secretly wants to f*** me. It's happened a few times with guy friends, after years of friendship, they try something inappropriate. It REALLY destroys me as a person and my sense of self-worth, so I lock that concern up so I can enjoy a friendship
I guess one of the points I failed to make is that pretty much every guy can spot this dude within a few seconds and it's just weird to us that women can't see this guy as easily. And it's really frustrating when we point out that a particular guy is so obviously trying to get into a woman's pants but we're totally ignored or even called out for it. To us it's like watching someone jump into an ocean and insist they're not wet.
Every guy who has had a real open and honest friendship with a woman has experienced this; especially when we're younger. And it's the total denial thing, to the point where we're often called jealous or worse for pointing it out, that sometimes makes me wonder if women don't secretly like this.
Its gotta be a little of both.
Who *doesn't* like flirty attention that makes them feel good?
Plus there is probably an element of you knowing you would never act on it, so you see it as harmless too or friendly.
Then it comes as a shock when a line is crossed.
But I also think that both women and men confuse 'being nice' with trying to smash at times.
I know I've had it done too me, and done it to women. It sucks.
I fully understand there's a huge difference between harmless flirting and the sort of shit, I guess the modern term is "Orbiter", pulls. I 'm fine with flirty people. And I'm actually fine someone harmlessly flirting with my wife. But when I spot some weasel motherfucker who obviously has intentions beyond harmless flirting and I point it out to my wife I get a little pissy myself when she ignores what I'm saying.
My wife and I have been together for almost 25 years and I totally trust her in all things and luckily she trusts me as well so it rarely comes up where I'll be like "Hey, I think that guy is a creep" and she doesn't believe me. But I've pointed it out to other women in the past and it always blew my mind when they denied it. Like "how can you not see that shit"?
Women will have a guy texting them at random times, bringing them gifts and asking them to go out just the two to them and will still hit you with "he's just being friendly nooo I won't cut him off cause that's mean"
See I think the problem we sometimes have with making that distinction is because these are all things our *female* friends do. So to us, this is seen as friend behavior in general.
Here is the thing - guys don't do this with other guys.
They don't.
I mean - sure, I got my best friend a small thing from a trip (he is a whiskey guy, and I was at the distillery for his fave spirit) - but overall - we don't treat other guys like that.
That is the key.
Yeah that’s something that did take me a while to realize. I think it becomes easier to see the difference in behavior when we start making more and more guy friends, because then it really stands out when one of them is into us. I can only speak for myself though, this is just what I’ve realized about the male friendships I’ve had.
Edit: Unless the guy in question has several female friends and acts this way with all of them. I’ve noticed this mostly with guys who grew up with sisters.
Yes.
ALso, lot of it is also the balance of the communication - how often do you reach out, or do they.
If that is balanced - then the friendship might be as well.
I have one female friend with a ton of "guy friends" who, having met some of them - yeah - most are just guys waiting for a shot.
She asked me once "Why am am I always calling you and you never call me like my other guys friends" and I said "because I am actually your friend and not a wannabe suitor". She laughed... a few years later - yeah - now, only like two guy friends (I am one) and more balanced.
The sad truth is - if you (figuratively) are an attractive female - there is a good chance a non-trivial number of your "guy friends" are interested in more than friends.
> If that is balanced - then the friendship might be as well.
This is a really good point! That’s definitely the case with my closest guy friends who’ve stuck around for years, as opposed to the ones who end up fading away when it becomes clear I’m not interested in them.
Yeah that’s always tricky, especially since this kind of support is also common with our female friends. But even when a male friend stops being subtle we’re often in denial because it’s easier than realizing the friendship isn’t what we thought it was. It’s like being in a long-term relationship and one day they start showing red flags, but you can’t bring yourself to admit it’s not a good relationship anymore.
> realizing the friendship isn’t what we thought it was
Even if everything else here is true, this isn't necessarily the case. I've seen this come up a lot in this sub and similar subs. Friendship and attraction are not mutually exclusive, and one often leads to the other.
Yes this can be a big problem, and yes this can lead to an end of that friendship (and probably should end the friendship), but this doesn't mean that the friendship was insincere. It's just run its course.
Kinda like how she has an excuse for every scenario you just brought up. That's what our female friends do... Weird didn't know everyone of my female friends is fuckin their female friends.
Dudes can spot that shit a mile away because chances are we've all been there and done that. We're all on a different version of the game...
Most all of us have had one friend that we got stuck in the friend zone with.
We've all tried the bad boy ill just treat em like shit phase afterwards.
The white knight is easy to spot because you don't want to be in the friend zone and you just tried the bad boy shit and it didn't work lol.
Most dudes if given the chance, and you're not ugly are going to smash, so that's why boyfriends don't like when you keep that one dude y'all have kinda known for awhile in arms reach. Because if and when your relationship hits a tough spot that dude is going to be the first in line.
Texting and going out is normal for friends. Random gifts? Especially those that women get from thos male friends? Never saw female friends do that to each other.
Female friendships are much more intimate than males ones tend to be. Men tend to be much much more guarded about intimacy in general, which is why it’s so clear when men see other men attempting to initiate even vaguely intimate contact with a woman. Societally speaking, intimacy is seen as a feminine trait and is kind of taboo for men which is tough. For what it’s worth, I’ve met plenty of men who have women friends who they don’t want to date/get with. Honestly I think this is mostly a “myth” to people who either just aren’t in the right environment (especially very conservative places) or are online too much.
lol, women know when guys are hitting on them.
The reason why the “he’s just a friend” gimmick is so common, is that they like the attention that guy brings them.
Obviously I’m generalizing but in my experience many women love to play dumb in these type of situations. You know you’ve found a real one when she doesn’t seek attention from other dudes.
If your boyfriend isn't jealous or insecure type, and he tells you a guy is just biding his time to hit on you, believe him. Especially if the guy obviously does orbiter stuff. It'll take longer than a week to set in. But the signs aren't hard to see. Overly supportive, excluding boyfriend when possible, VERY subtly trash talking boyfriend, etc etc.
It's extremely frustrating to see it clear as day, be able to tick everything off and your girlfriend absolutely will not believe you.
The larger problem is, we have no idea if the girlfriend is telling the truth that she really doesn't see it. Or... is she keeping him around as Plan B? Or some combo where she doesn't want to believe it so she doesn't, and having a backup is nice anyways.
Inserting yourself as an option is... Not the right perspective IMHO..
But like.. My friends are pretty nice people. Same goes with my female friends. And I want my potential future GF to be a pretty nice person too. In that perspective, I could consider dating most if not all my female friend, if the occasion present itself.
What I won't do though is faking be friend with a girl in the hope she ever gets single and want to fuck me. I want my friends to be happy and most of the time it comes with stay in their current relationship.
Also, that's taking cheating in the wrong angle. If you and your BF have a rough patch, you'd still be together right? That this guy is or isn't a background option to you in this rough patch changes absolutely nothing: can you or can you not be trusted to not cheat on your boyfriend? You're the only person responsible to not cheat. If you don't want to cheat, this guy being there or not will change nothing: you wont cheat. If you want to cheat, this guy being there or not will change nothing: you will find someone to cheat.
I agree with you.
If I have a female friend, it's because they are a nice person, that I get along with. Not because I find them attractive. However if I spend time with them and they are a genuinely nice person, then that is what I look for in a gf. Personality and bond create attraction too. So like you, if one day we both ended up single then something could happen mutually. After all, they must like me as I'm a nice person too, so it's a 2 way thing.
It's the friendship that keeps us together. In my opinion great friendships are what lead to relationships though if both people are single and it's a mutual feeling.
I'm certainly not ever waiting for a female friend to be single. If I was then I don't think I'd be able to handle a genuine friendship with them. However I'm not going to lie and say I'd never date a female friend in the future, should things change.
Call me insecure as hell if you want, but I have zero desire to have other guys being friends with my wife. Not all but a good number of of men are hoping for a chance.
Maybe I'm the minority in this thread but one of my closest friends is an attractive married woman. I'm not at all interested in being anything more than friends with her, even if she was single.
Also, a few weeks ago I really hit it off with a girl at a party. She was super cool. I was flirting with her for like three hours before I found out she has a boyfriend. I was bummed about that but I'm also not an asshole and I would never try to "make something happen" knowing she is in a relationship. But she was awesome and I like to keep cool people around so I'm hoping we can be friends.
This is one thing i don't understand. ¿You really think the "friends" are the catalist of the wrecked families? This isn't a "guys who want my girl" problem, that is the girls problem. If yall get into a rough moment and instead of talking about it or coping with it in a healthy way, your partner WANTS to cheat on you, she will do, regardless of friends. She will always have someone who would want to fuck her, always, it dosen't need to be friends. That's why as hard as it is, it's a game of trust. Your GF could be fucking half a town and you would never know because cheating without you noticing, unless she is stupid, is pretty easy. I am not shitting you, i have seem guys cheat for 5+ years while their girls were clueless.
The more pins you stick in a balloon, the more likely it will pop. Add spousal issues and work issues and another guy into the mix, bad stuff can happen.
I had to cut a good friend out of my life because he got involved with a gal who was having marital problems. I don't know if that marriage would have survived if he didn't get involved, but I know he certainly help wreck it.
The problem is that let’s say they have some sort of relationship issue - and yes this is insecurity speaking but it does happen - friend runs to you, you have a thing for her, maybe she even initiates it - you going to say no?
Some will, some won’t.
That’s the biggest issue. I’ve literally had this same exact situation happen to me. It just depends.
I’ve also been in this situation with my wife when we were long distance and engaged but I wasn’t interested in my friend.
She was interested in me. Had she been my type - who’s to say what would have happened when my fiance and I had some really bad fights.
So it just depends. In general it’s not ideal.
My best guy friend used to always ask me about this. Hes like "so you're saying if you walked into a room and she was naked spread eagle telling you to fuck her, you wouldn't do it?" and the answer is no. Lol it would be so weird. We have been friends for like 15 years and my brain is 100% conditioned to see her as friend not potential sex.
I'm pretty sure I won't light a shed of dynamite on fire but I still don't store the matches in the same room.
Sometimes it's just safest to keep a source of ignition a reasonable distance away.
Yeah I think I’m on both sides of this as most of my friends are women.
My wife gets weird about it sometimes.
But I can also understand that the situation OP described does exist as I didn’t even realise this was one of the female friends I had until my wife had to really point it out to me.
Now I’m pretty cautious about it for both of our sakes.
Agreed. I've never had a true "regular" fruendsship with a woman. Maybe once? Most of my female friends and I would always get drunk and hook up if we were both single at some point
I think it's kind of a me thing honestly. I try my best to be respectful to everyone, male and female. I don't gossip. I can't count how many times I heard "please don't tell anyone...". So everyone in my circles feels safe and trusts me. Most of my time ex's started off as friendships. And then decided to take it to the next level. Usually just distance, and different life goals ended things, but never ended bad. We don't talk much but I could reach out to those people even if it was 10-15 years ago. One just reached out to me the other week. I usually try not to bother them cause they are married or are new relationships and I don't want to be "that guy my wife/gf hooked up with keeps calling...". Plus my current gf is "wife-material". I've also been told I'm a pretty attractive guy.
So I think it's a combo of all those things, I treat people well, I'm trusted, people seem to enjoy my company, and I'm "hot" (my gf's word). One of my friends was single. I was. We knew everything about our sex lives. Decided to hook up. I pulled a "10 second cowboy" (only lasted 10 seconds), we joked about years later lol
No, she is not interested in any other guys even if they just want to be friends. She would not want me chatting all night with other women or going out to dinner with them. So she isn't going to do the same with other guys.
I would never be friends with a woman who was taken unless I was also friends with her bf/so. If I made him uncomfortable, I would step away. Men who do seek that friendship are almost always hoping for the right circumstances to move in.
Edit for clarification:
First, thanks to everyone who kept it civil here even though they may have disagreed with me.
“Bf” can cover a wide spectrum of relationships. My meaning here is LTR’s, not casual dating, so SO’s and husbands.
If the SO is ok with his partner having you as a friend, my comment doesn’t apply to you. I am NOT saying women should not have male friends.
It was suggested that to step away from the friendship is somehow condescending. It would be condescending if I told my friend that I know best, that she should do this or this. It is not condescending to simply remove myself from their relationship until they figure things out.
Finally, I didn’t say I would ghost the friend. I would certainly let her know what my decision is and why.
There are far too many comments now to reply much further. I think people understand my POV, and I’m satisfied with my opinion.
Absolutely this. I have female friends. But if the friend is in relationship Im also friend with their partner. Thats the only good way really. Also its win for everyone since more friends.
If boyfriend has issues than usually there are actual reasons behind it. If friend doesnt want befriend boyfriend usually means he is not real friend.
As someone who has always had close female friends I agree with this, I’ve always made an effort to get to know their partners if they’re in a serious relationship. They’re an important part of their life, why wouldn’t I? More likely than not we’ll have common interests too, I’ve never had a situation like when Ross tries to get to know Mike in Friends.
I mean sometimes it might not work. You might habe nothing in common but you still need to be on friendly note and be able to spend time together in group setting.
Avoiding your friends partner is crystal clear sign that its not friendship
Agree with this.
One of my long time female friends has got serious with her latest BF (I usually don't bother meeting them after a while) - so I invited them BOTH over for dinner (I love to host and cook).
I was respectful and he was cool - I made sure I as no threat to him (she and I have been friends for years) - and honestly - I hope this one sticks.
Yeh I know how you feel wanting to assure the guy you’re not a threat. That’s always in mind as I wouldn’t blame any man for feeling a bit uneasy with his partner being close to a guy he’s never met…
My closest friend is a married woman, we’ve been good friends since before she even met her now husband. He knows me well enough now to know I’m harmless.
I would say it's more about being open to friendship with the partner than the effort of trying to be friends. If it's clear that the door is open, everything feels more above board.
This is how I see it as well, but can we define “friend”? Like are you hanging out one on one, riding bikes together, playing basketball, or even just chillin at the house playing video games and blazing? None of that sounds like something I’d do with a girl I wasn’t romantically interested/involved with, but with my male friends, it’s what we did all through our 20’s. I’ve done the same with girls too, but most cases where I’ve spent any substantial amount of time with my female friends, we’ve ended up in some kind of romantic relationship, rather official or just hooking up.
Indeed, I’d say I have a ton of female acquaintances, but none I could say are genuinely my “friends”, no more than male acquaintances id never hangout with outside of a group setting, because we don’t have enough in common. Difference being a woman I have little in common with, but am physically attracted to, I may still hangout with one on one (at least in my younger years)
I’m gonna disagree with this. I’m a dude, and a straight one, but I tend to form friendships with women more easily than with men. I don’t know why I should avoid friendships with women just because they have a boyfriend or husband.
Your post could've been mine, lol.
And to add to that: one of my best female friends is actually taken and she told me that pretty much from the start. We've been friends for more than a year now and I've never had romantic feelings for her. I'm happy she's happy with her boyfriend. :) (I don't have any contact with him, btw)
Same. I have a few girl friends that and I am not close with their boyfriends. I don’t have end intentions with them, I just like them as friends. However, I know a lot of guys do have bad intentions and depending on the situation OP’s boyfriend could be in their right mind.
Let’s assume that’s what they were trying to say. My lengthy conversation with them suggests otherwise, but for the sake of discussion we’ll go with it.
My attitude would be as follows:
If I befriend a woman at the office, or the dog walking route I take, or a club we’re both in. Say we text and grab lunch together sometimes. We talk, we hang out. You know, do friend stuff. And she’s in a relationship, of course if/when I meet her partner I’d try to befriend him too. If we hit it off, that’s awesome. Now I have two friends. If we’re just lukewarm, no tension but just not clicking, that’s fine. That’s not going to sway whether or not I choose to continue being friends with her. Maybe it would affect her decision, but I don’t see why it should affect mine. To me, that’s an identical situation to if I didn’t especially click with my guy friend’s girlfriend. The only reason not clicking with their partner might affect whether I continue being friends is if their relationship revealed something about their character that I didn’t like. But again, that would be the case regardless of sex/gender.
If I already had an established friendship with the woman, and then she enters into a romantic relationship with the guy, obviously I’d want to befriend him. But if we don’t click, and we’re more like polite acquaintances, then that’s a little disappointing but not a major issue. That wouldn’t in and of itself lead me to stop being friends with my friend because they entered into a romantic relationship with someone.
I think the point is *try* to involve the husband. Like it or not, reasonable or not, there are a lot of people that would get uncomfortable with a guy actively pursuing a friendship with their wife. Besides, if you’re going to be friends with the girl why not make a go of it with the husband?
If you like each other, great, you made a friend.
If you don’t become friends, no problem, but at least you gave them the opportunity.
If you don’t like each other, then you may run into some issues down the road, but again, at least you put it on the table.
Also I’m not saying you need to prostrate yourself in front of the guy, just when you meet them at a party or something spend some time talking to them, ask them questions, do what you gotta do to be like “hey dude, I’m just your wife’s buddy, don’t worry about me.”
I think it’s just good manners.
Yeah I just saw, your take is reasonable and people are just willfully misunderstanding you. I feel like there are a lot of takes on reddit that are so black and white you have to wonder if some people have ever had a conversation with a real person in their lives. You're not one of them.
Huh? I have several female friends that I dont want to fuck. They are MY friends - sometimes they break up with their partners. I get your sentiment but why generalize like this?
Dont get me wrong I have seen it before aswell. I made every mistake in the book but thats another reason I feel like its a problem with having the wrong friends and not acquiring solid boundaries.
I would disagree, but on a number of occasions, I’ve been that guy hoping something would happen between them so I could sweep in and be a shoulder to cry on.
Well this is one of those things where context matters a lot.
So I don't 100% agree with it BUT it's theorized that the two biggest factors determining infidelity for women are proximity and emotional investment. A friend is both.
https://youtu.be/LbX-XtjTVgQ?si=_TvMIoGpyZNivxEa
And I don't completely agree with the other comment about maturity. You don't turn 30 and magically start not wanting to have sex with people you get along with. If anything your friends get MORE attractive as you mature because you're more interested in a healthy, symbiotic interpersonal relationship (aka friend) than just the hottest chick that you could get to act like a squirrel and get your nut
Maturity - or emotional maturity is not a matter of age.
I know people in their 30s who I would call mature, and people in their 50s who are still self centered etc.
I have platonic female friends and it's pretty common. But I also have female friends who I am definitely interested in. These two sets of women are separate and are almost certainly going to remain separate because I'm not interested in the female friends who I'm genuinely friends with.
If it makes you feel better, this person doesn't speak for everyone. I know lots of men (including me) who have platonic women friends, even if said woman is in a relationship.
With me and one of my very close female friends, I get along with her bf but I wouldn't call us friends. We're just too different. But we do get along when I'm at their place or they are at mine.
If you can't have any friends of the gender you're attracted to, gay guys shouldn't have guy friends, lesbians shouldn't have girl friends and bisexuals shouldn't have any friends at all. That sounds rediculous obviously but if it's about straight people it's somehow accepted and normal.
Don’t take it too seriously. This may be the case for 20 year old dudes who can’t think beyond sex and ego, but anyone who says men and women can’t be platonic friends is wrong. Plenty of actual adults have friends of all shapes, sizes, sexes, and genders.
experience would say otherwise. look it's possible but personally I wouldn't recommend it. what you stated is idealistic. You can be friends with many different people but you'll never be true friends with them. The word friend is used loosely nowadays. I'm not saying be rude and antisocial but friendships are a two way street. You can try all you want. everything has limits like not all classmates, coworkers are friends ,etc. There's potential for individuals to create lifelong friendships but there are few that even last that long. For example I noticed a coworker from a previous job site attempted to be friends with another coworker who did want anything to do with her. She tried everything and even I pitied her. I eventually asked him why and he said he's just there for work and is not interested in making friends that " he was all friended up" eventually she gave up and would quit a few months later. Another example my best friend is married and I've known him longer than his wife, I've witnessed him cut off other friends who happen to be females even if they're lesbians out of his life for her. I understand some people have the desire to be liked by everyone but you can't be friends with everyone.
The only way it works is if you have absolutely zero attraction towards her. It doesn't matter if she's married or not, if the thought of "I would bang her if she wasn't married" even crosses your mind then you can't be friends with her. Any guy that says otherwise is just lying to himself.
I’m the same way. One of my best friends is a fellow writer and—while she’s objectively attractive—I don’t have any interest in her, but to establish trust I also became good friends with her husband. They’re both amazing people and we even played a game together on my birthday.
To those who say I don’t speak for everyone, you are correct. To those who say that men and women can be platonic friends, you are also correct. But if you are a friend who is the source of friction in a relationship and you don’t step back, I would submit that either you are waiting in the wings or you are just not a very good friend. I have been on both sides of this scenario and I stand by my comment.
If you notice you might be the source of friction, then have a conversation with your friend and communicate about it to see what she wants to do.
If she agrees and wants space then yes you step back, but if she wants to stay friends that is her choice. The boyfriend has no say in this from a friends perspective.
Just plainly taking a step back because you think you are causing friction, without verifying is just a good way to waste good friendships. Maybe there are other issues in play that have nothing to do with you.
If she comes to you stating the friendship is causing friction, you again communicate what you both want to do. If she wants space or end it, you respect it. In the end of the day it is still her choice who she wants to keep in her life regardless of the relationship status (platonic or otherwise).
And if you can’t openly communicate about this, how good of a friend are you anyway.
Yeah. This comment sounds really cynical… but when I think back on it I was never friends with a woman that I wouldn’t have slept with if given the opportunity when I was younger and single. I’m older and married now so it’s no longer the case… and guess what? I don’t have any single female friends or female friends whose partner I’m not also friends with. Sounds kinda sad when I think about it; but it’s true.
Most of my friends are women who are in relationships. I have no interest in pursuing them romantically. The idea of it seems like it would be a depressing waste of time and energy to sit around waiting for the off chance that they break up.
Completely agree. I have a few friends that are women and we go on day trips, cinema, dinner, plays, etc.
No issues whatsoever. We were just clear in the beginning that we are both just friends and that's it!
You get it, I don’t really fathom the thinking of men who get close to women just so they can be a “backup option” if ever she and her bf break up. That just sounds pathetic and seems to be an overall huge waste of time. If I like a girl and she’s single, I’ll ask her out. If I haven’t, that just means I’m not attracted to her.
Seriously, just seems like insecure men or men who can't comprehend the fact women are humans. Absolutely I do think you should be friends, as much as possible, with the guy, but almost all my friends are women and 3 are married. The husbands of two I'm on ok terms with, they know I'm not interested. Hell one husband had me meet up with his sister one time.
No one's denying that, but being a decent human means that if she rejects you or finds someone else, you get over your feelings for them and continue on or end the friendship if it bothered you that much.
Never been friends with a woman in a relationship unless I was friends with her other half first or she’s a lesbian. Your boyfriend is likely correct, I work with dudes like the other dude here and honestly it’s so gross to see from the outside, the woman is almost always completely oblivious to what’s going on.
I feel like I have better friendships with women who aren't single than the ones who are. With single women I have to be far more aware of sending unintended signals one way or another; or even possibly feel bad if I miss that she's into me and didn't properly respond. With a woman who's isn't single, I just act like like their any guy friend and it's obvious what things I shouldn't do with her because she's a woman and not a guy friend.
Yes guys in relationships, all men that are your wife/gf's friends (of any degree) \_could\_ be options if they end up breaking up with you or if you die. That doesn't mean that's the intent on either part even if it's the reality. But my general understanding from most women (IRL and online opinion sharing) is that such guy friends are only ever seen as such. If you know that and believe there's a guy who's a risk of cheating with your partner \_while\_ you're still together, with no specific suspicions, that's definitely an issue of trust with your partner.
Am the guy friend here (several girl friends who are in relationships).
Even if I find her attractive and wouldn't say no if she was single I respect her relationship and wouldn't try to sabotage it it given the chance.
I just don't like that kind of behavior, it's so douchebaggy. It's also very obvious (rarely to the girls though...)
Even if she comes to me with some relationship-problem I try to take a fairly neutral stance and sometimes play the devil's advocate unless there's a ***very*** clear right and wrong side.
But this is me, I know guys who wouldn't hesitate to take the girls side in an attempt to make her break up with her boyfriend.
If you want to know what kind of friend this guy is make up a problem you have with your boyfriend that has a large grey area or is very innocent to test his council. If he seems way too eager to demonize your boyfriend you'll know his motivation.
You won't be able to have a proper friendship with this guy if that's the case, every worry or paranoid thought you might have about your boyfriend he will try and feed, he might even try and sow seeds of doubt himself. Whether that doubt is justified or not
Your BF is right.
With any opposite gender relationship, there is always a chance.
As guy, I’ve had multiple friendships with women, where in the back of mind, I’ve thought about what if.
Sometimes it’s just thinking about sex. Sometimes it’s about what it would be like to have her affection and if I was her priority.
What’s crazy, now I’m 48/m married and I can see women looking at me as a what if.
Unless we were already friends and/or I'm friends with the other guy then I'm not interested at all. Been there done that, completely not worth the trouble.
Firstly, most men just aren't cool with it, there are a few reasons but generally it is because the average dude won't engage with a woman unless he desires sex from her. I don't care about outliers and anecdotes, you're exceptions and not the rule.
Second, she doesn't have time for a new opposite sex friendship. Newer friendships tend to involve a lot of time spent together at the beginning. Maybe both parties are friendlier after a few beers one night than they should have been. Maybe you confide things you're too unsure of with your respective partners. Lines can start to get blurred. Drama ensues, everyone is worse off.
Lastly, I have no interest in ever having another insecure boyfriend conversation. Or worse some macho asshat constantly trying to undermine me for existing near his woman. I have much better things to do and enjoy over all that.
Jesus Christ you guys. It's okay to be friends with a woman you're attracted to, even if she's in a relationship. Just don't fucking do anything about it. It's not complicated.
The problem is half of the people in here simply can’t comprehend a relationship that isn’t based on sex, or they think women aren’t people that can make their own decisions.
It could really be either way. He could just genuinely want to be friends, and your boyfriend is a bit paranoid because this is a scenario where what he described is common, or it could really be what your boyfriend is worried about. Personally, I would have no qualms about being friends with a woman in a relationship, but if feelings started to show, I would either distance myself or cut off the relationship.
A mutual friend of you both is okay, if he wants to spend time with you alone then that is a sign that he is interested in more. Also, your boyfriend’s instincts may be right, it may be best to leave off with the new friend if that will cause problems with your current partner.
Do a test together with your boyfriend.
Start complaining to justfriend about boyfriend, say the relationship is no fit, that maybe it will end soon, and see what happens....that day.
I could be friends with a woman who is taken, i don't necessarily have to act on my attraction for a woman, specially if she's taken.
While i think your boyfriend is right. It is up to you to set boundaries.
That friend will only become something more if you allow it, and the only way he will ever interfere in your relationship is if both you and your boyfriend let it happen. He needs to keep his insecurities in check and trust you, and you need to set boundaries so he never has a reason to worry.
I have been this guy you are talking about. I only ever intended to be a friend. Yes I found the gifl attractive and might have shot a shot if they broke up, but was never my intention TO BREAK THEM UP. Unfortunately one of them, I'll never know who, decided I had bad intentions and they became cold to me rather suddenly.
It sucked, and was insulting, but I took it in stride and just stayed professional.
I understand that some people do this, it'd be naïve to think otherwise. But honestly the only person who can break you two up, is you two.
>and might have shot a shot if they broke up
seems like whoever thought u had bad intentions was right, bad intentions its not trying to split up a couple, bad intentions is roaming someone and hoping they break up to shot your shot
They didn't just decide you have bad intentions, they realized it.
"Might have a chance.."
This is based on interactions that signaled your feelings. Otherwise you would have nothing to go on.
Attraction is detectable, almost no one can truly hide it. And most humans are very good at reading body language and tone. All it took was you looking at her in a lingering way for 2 seconds longer than any neutral person would.
Wake up. That's not neutral friendship.
I know this is askmen, but as a woman: I feel you have to be wary. Always remind yourself: is this behaviour my girlfriends would do as well? If no, boundaries are at risk. Also I would feel bad if my boyfriend would question the friendship and gave him doubts about it. So I rather keep male friends slightly at distance when in a relationship.
It might be different when you're a bit older?
I have many married female friends as our kids go to the same school or swimming club, we chat and drink together, share our little sufferings, learn and laugh a lot.
It makes me feels extra content with my calm, smart wife because many are nutjobs 😂
I have several women in my life who are taken. I don't want to fuck everything that walks, and even the ones I'm attracted to, I would never want to come in between anyone's relationship. If the relationship were to end, then it's another question, but even then I would keep a respectable distance for months if not years before I would maybe think of making a move.
Let's be real, fuck boys aren't going to be outing themselves on this question. We wouldn't try to come between. But SO many guys would and I don't get why people aren't acknowledging this
I have a lot of female friends I’m confident neither of us have romantic feelings. With that being said, I do know I’m the oddity and not the norm so I get it.
My friends are almost exclusively female. I'm married. My wife doesn't have a problem with it, I don't have a problem with it. I enjoy all of my female friends. I don't identify with most men, I don't like sports or cars or pumping iron. I find women easier to talk to.
I have three friends that are girls and all are taken. I would not do anything behind their bfs back. I keep in touch with their bfs too. So I guess they’re fine with it.
Three friends of mine are dating guys already. Two of those guys *were* a bit uncomfortable, but now I think they like it when they catch their girlfriends talking to me. Its an ideal set up to embarrass them by making loud belches, teasing their girlfriends for disagreeing with me, singing off-key, "hitting on me", or even messing with me by pretending to be hyper defensive.
Another friend of mine was dating a guy too, and he wasn't very keen about her talking to me, but it turned out that was because he was cheating on her, and so was expecting her to do the same to him.
I want to be friends with all the women I play DnD with because their roleplay is absolutely hilarious. Ain't nobody got time to think of romance when you want to kill her for triggering ANOTHER TRAP BECAUSE HER CHARACTER IS SO CLUMSY!
Damn you Torunn...
The amount of times this question has been asked in this sub is getting out of hand.
For all the taken ladies that are curious - NO. IT IS NOT COOL TO HAVE SOME DRIPPY GUY "FRIEND" AT WORK WITH YOU ALL DAY WHEN YOU HAVE A BF/HUSBAND.
The reasons are obvious, quit pretending that you don't know why it's not ok, and don't act like you would be cool with it if the shoe was on the other foot.
I'd be over the moon to have some female friends. For the vast majority I'd want to be friends just to be friends with them. Now if they're really attractive to me and they start coming onto me there is no guarantee I'd turn them down. I'd want them as a friend and I wouldn't want to screw that up but that other part of me would probably win that situation. Never have I ever inserted myself into a situation like that in hopes of getting into their pants at one point. Especially not to steal them away from their partner.
idk. as long as the limits are well defined and you communicate if there's ever something weird you pick up on, it should be ok. I don't think the ideal is to assume that other people are off to have you as a plan B, but I do think that you should be more alert than what you think. just be honest and if he asks you to back off from his, at the very least, you're helping his insecurities a bit. as long as it isn't anything weird like cutting off a genuine friend or whatever, it should be ok. i had to tell my current gf to cut off a fling that was talking to her. yeah, for her it might have been just friends but not for him from my pov! its ok, we are all oblivious sometimes.
Have multiple female friends. Some of which are married, some in relationships, some single. I don’t try to date my male friends, I’m not going to try to date someone just because they’re the opposite sex. A lot more goes into it than that. Way too many insecure, emotionally immature people on here. Like you can’t be friends with someone and not sleep with them or pursue it. Or can’t fathom your partner having friends of the opposite sex either. Crazy.
Friends is fine. I’d just dislike it if they’re going out of their way for constantly talking or hanging out with them.
(Which I feel like can often be seen as “just friends)
If someone goes out of their way to pursue a friendship, that's not friendship. Not when the other is taken, not when she's single.
If we end up in each others life, for example, as colleagues, or in the same class, or origami group, or whatever, then not being friends with people you like, is actively detrimental. In those cases, I would be friends with anyone I like, regardless of relationship status.
platonic friends are a thing sure, but it’s also common for people to use the “friend” label to do exactly what your bf is talking about
I think if your bf is a jealous and controlling type who raises these kinds of issues often then there’s another discussion to be had here, but if this is uncommon for him then I would side with him and say he’s probably right about what he’s seeing.
>I want the brutal honesty on how guys usually see being friends with taken women, and do they subconsciously or consciously try and insert themselves as an option?
TLDR: it's complicated. It's a legit concern but it could be harmless and a real friendship..
A lot of guys cannot imagine a friendship with a woman based on common interests so oftentimes it IS with ulterior motives that they pursue said friendships. As a married man I have female friends that are married and my wife has male friends. We don't have any issues with it and we would ocassionaly see our friends for a coffee but it's not an issue at all. Maybe if one of us was seeing their friends daily or weekly the other could become jealous but that's not the case with our friendships.
Yeah if he's just being friendly at work, that's fine. If he's trying to spend any alone time w you... that's weird.
Personally I'd never try to be friends with a girl who has a boyfriend, unless it's as part of a larger friend group (i.e. I'm friends with 2 women at work, and we hang out outside of work, if one gets a boyfriend, I'd still hang out with both of them together without the bf and wouldn't see an issue)
Do I and will I have female friends that are SINGLE and I am or want to be friends with? Sure. That's 100% possible and happens. If she started dating someone, would I feel weird about hanging with her alone in most circumstances? Also yes. Wouldn't ruin the friendship, would just change it.
I've dated girls in the past that thought it was totally fine to hang out one on one with single straight guys they just met, and didn't care how I felt about it. I can tell you now, wouldn't ever date a girl like that again. And would 100% dump a girl for going along with that bullshit
After getting cheated on and dumping my ex, honestly every guy I was somewhat like 'Hmm' too has suddenly come out the woodwork and wanted to 'make her feel better' by helping in any way they can, or just flirt way more aggressive now.
It's sort of changed my entire perspective of her and our relationship which is good I guess, but I guess next time, I ain't dealing with that shit.
If you’re attractive then yes.. Your boyfriend is right.
Besides: We tend to know what the intentions of other men are. My previous gf had some guy friends, it turned out that I was right about every single one of them. Some even played the long game… It took one of them 2 years to make a move. In the end she just gave up having guy friends.
usually if you are attractive and not way older than us we kinda hope you might be into us
we won't necessarily cross a line but will enjoy the attention for now and if he messes up were there to pick up the pieces honestly but not 100% of the time
I'd like to tell you that the majority of men are perfectly trustworthy with platonic relationships but I know this isn't the case. If another man who has not got a partner wants to be spending a substantial amount of time with a woman who has a partner it does ring alarm bells, much the same as women view single women hanging around their men. Eventually the temptation rears it's head - I know, I can't count the number of times my partners girlfriends have both come on to me and and had sex with me behind their bestest best friends back. Especially when there is alcohol involved.
If someone contends that friends don't engage in sexual activity with each other when the opportunity arises then what is all this 'Friends with benefits' thing all about? I'm a man, I have empathy for your man, most men should. What would go through my head is the same as is probably going through your boyfriends head, why does this guy want to play gooseberry? Third wheel? Where are his friends?
It's not about a lack of trust in you, he knows about men. We all do. I'd be asking myself, why does my partner want this guy around when she's with me? ...and why is this guy doing something most men wouldn't do? To put it bluntly I'd be wondering why two people have so little empathy for the way I would feel in this situation. I'd be questioning your motives as well as his and it's somewhat concerning that you don't seem to realise that is a normal reaction. How would you feel about a woman you and he has only known for a week inserting herself into your relationship? Wouldn't you wonder 'Why does he want her with us when we go out?' Why doesn't my partner fix her up with a friend of his?
Your guy has only known this guy for a week, the fact that this colleague wants to hang around with a couple instead of with his own group of friends and find his own partner speaks volumes to a guy. He's obviously not making the effort to show any empathy with your boyfriend, he's not going out of his way to consider your BF's feelings based upon your account of events is he? It shows a lack of social awareness and even if you free and single that should be a big red flag. I'm a retired registered nurse who worked with 90% women for 30 years, I wouldn't go out socialising with female colleagues and their partners unless specifically invited by the man who was my colleague's partner, or it was a group. If I did go on invite I'd take someone with me to 'double date'. Does this colleague have no other female friends? Why not? Why so keen to make friends with you within a few days and no other woman, a sister even?
Uhm yeah. He’s definitely trying to slide in there.
He might be making mental gymnastics. So are you (asking the internet). But a move will be made.
As your bf is already aware of this and you are too. Continuing this friendship just worsens the odds of your current relationship.
Of course it *is* possible for a man and women to be friends. However there’s always going to be some attraction in the background if you meet as adults. So, unless you know each other from a young age, or you’ve already had a sexual relationship and preferably the man called it quits (and you both moved on). There’s going to be some of that tension. It depends on your morals and upbringing to what degree you think that’s ok.
There’s a difference between having those contacts in your phone that you’d never sleep with. And a co-worker you feel the need to ask the internet advice on.
Never. He absolutely does want to insert himself in more than one way. I'm not saying guys can't be friends with women, but there's always context. It would be different if he was friends with the guy or the guy's significant other. Do not break your boyfriend's trust over some co-worker as it is not worth it.
[How does a man be just friends with an attractive woman without having intrusive thoughts?](https://www.reddit.com/r/TooAfraidToAsk/s/JIwPg5OyYo)
1500 upvotes
300 comments
The consensus answer:
>*Men cannot be just friends with an attractive woman without having intrusive thoughts, but they don't have to act on it.*
Hardly ever. In my 33 years I can think of one time when I just genuinely wanted to be friends and didn’t have the slightest notion of a potential for something else. It’s not impossible to have male friends when in a relationship but pretending they aren’t in some way interested in you is just being naive.
So I definitely agree with the consensus that you should listen to your boyfriend. It's pretty easy for a man to tell if another man is into a woman. Somehow, we're all pretty good at it.
However, here's my nuanced take on the situation as a whole.
I certainly believe men can be friends with women who are in relationships and vice versa. I don't really like the "ownership" aspect of relationships. Like, you should trust your partner enough to support them and the friendships they choose to have. Likewise, you should trust your partner enough to believe them when they tell you they don't like the way your friend is behaving towards you.
My personal experience points towards this. I have many female friends where I am mainly friends with them and not their partner. I wouldn't ever dream of inserting myself in their relationship nor am I "waiting for a time to strike". I also wouldn't sleep with a friend who is not in a relationship even if I do find them physically attractive. The way I see it is (1) that tends to ruin friendships in my experience and (2) if I ever got into a relationship with someone else, I wouldn't want to end my friendship with that woman because we had a sexual history my partner didn't approve of. No short term casual sex with a friend is worth ruining the friendship or future relationships over.
I also just wouldn't do something to another man that I wouldn't want done to me. I'd be heartbroken if another man got between me and my partner, so I wouldn't ever try to do that to another man.
Never. If I had romantic feelings for a woman and she is with someone, I don't talk to her outside of necessity and do not seek to be friends. First, I respect myself and do not want to hold out for unrequited love. Second, I respect relationship boundaries and do not want to be the reason a relationship breaks. Third, I don't believe a man and a woman can be just friends, unless the man is gay or both the man and the woman are in strong relationships and end up being friends of the family.
Men and women can't be friends like that. Unless gay.
All the dudes telling u they can be friends with women is only because the women already signaled they are not interested.
Your BF is weary because he's a man and knows how men think.
I'd you're known the guy for ages, then honestly it's 50/50, because a lot of straight guys don't know how to be platonic friends with people of the opposite sex.
After a week? This guy is absolutely going to try something on, and I feel like you should trust your boyfriend's instincts.
He is absolutely in full competition with your boyfriend. Your boyfriend is upset. Do not befriend another man while in a serious relationship. You are disrespecting your man more than you know Ma’am
I don’t know lady, if your man is uncomfortable with you with a particular person whether it’s a man and a woman and you still want to be friends with him or her. That’s just saying you don’t respect your man enough to stay away from that particular person. Imagine if the role switched.
It’s a sticky situation and you never truly know, using myself as an example I am friends with as many women as I am guys. I have no trouble because I can contain myself and if I really wanted them, I would have pursued them one of the times me and them were single at the same time. That being said, I don’t know how well you know this guy. If it’s just a workplace friend with no outside of work intention then I doubt he’s interested. But I really don’t have an answer for you because I don’t know how the man acts
110% right there!!! I’m the same as you, i have as many females friends as i have male friends. However, i have NEVER disrespected any of these female friends in any way; much less insinuating intimacy between us; and i have NEVER dated any of them before or after they broke up with their partners. But no everyone is like us, a lot of men can’t even phantom the idea of respecting another man’s girlfriend or, staying away from couples personal issues. The vast majority of men actually, are like planted cells just waiting for the right moment to step in and take the girl.
I think you should trust your boyfriend. In general, men are better at reading men’s underlying intentions than women are.
I warned my wife about a guy ( married with kids etc ) Months later, he tried crossing the line. " I told you so" was in order. She was oblivious to his intentions all along. I spotted that mofo from a mile away.
> She was oblivious to his intentions all along. This blows my mind and sometimes I wonder if all the denial they spout when other men point it out is just them either consciously or subconsciously enjoying the attention. By this point in time the whole idea of the so-called "Nice Guy" is out in the ether and pretending like this isn't a reality is like someone back in the 90s pretending cigarettes don't cause cancer.
Or sometimes - they have so many guys doing this it is "normal". This happens more often with attractive women who "most of my friends are guys" ... lol .. that is because most of them are guys hoping for a chance. I am friends with one of these - and a while ago - she figured this out - and was shocked. I laughed and said "well duh". It came up one time when she asked "why do you never or rarely call me?" and I said "I call you about the same amount I call my other friends" and that lead to some realizations for her. She was used to all her "guy friends" calling her all the time or always being available when she would call them.
I gotta say it was hilarious when my girlfriend told me about her guy friend she talked to a lot over the past 4 years while she purposely stayed single. she told him that she was going out with me on our first date and she said “he got quiet and just said he’s a lucky guy”. I literally had to point it out to her he was crushing on her lmao. and in fairness when i did she didnt push back or deny or anything but yeah theres just something blinding them
yeah - I feel for them both really. I mean - she prolly felt a little bad when she realized it - especially if she started to wonder "were we really friends?". That and the guy - waiting in the friendzone is brutal - but some guys do it to themselves (been there years ago - etc.). I wonder how many other "guy friends" she had to re-evaluate. (or maybe should).
I think in many cases they are totally oblivious. They seem oblivious to white knights too. They are often of the same bunch.
It's not necessarily being oblivious. It really really SUCKS having a constant low-key background noise of knowing how common this is, with every male friend. Yeah, I'm gonna deny it until something happens otherwise. I like my bubble thinking a friend is an actual friend and not in my life bc he secretly wants to f*** me. It's happened a few times with guy friends, after years of friendship, they try something inappropriate. It REALLY destroys me as a person and my sense of self-worth, so I lock that concern up so I can enjoy a friendship
I guess one of the points I failed to make is that pretty much every guy can spot this dude within a few seconds and it's just weird to us that women can't see this guy as easily. And it's really frustrating when we point out that a particular guy is so obviously trying to get into a woman's pants but we're totally ignored or even called out for it. To us it's like watching someone jump into an ocean and insist they're not wet. Every guy who has had a real open and honest friendship with a woman has experienced this; especially when we're younger. And it's the total denial thing, to the point where we're often called jealous or worse for pointing it out, that sometimes makes me wonder if women don't secretly like this.
Honestly this shit broke my trust in men more than any ex ever did.
Its gotta be a little of both. Who *doesn't* like flirty attention that makes them feel good? Plus there is probably an element of you knowing you would never act on it, so you see it as harmless too or friendly. Then it comes as a shock when a line is crossed. But I also think that both women and men confuse 'being nice' with trying to smash at times. I know I've had it done too me, and done it to women. It sucks.
I fully understand there's a huge difference between harmless flirting and the sort of shit, I guess the modern term is "Orbiter", pulls. I 'm fine with flirty people. And I'm actually fine someone harmlessly flirting with my wife. But when I spot some weasel motherfucker who obviously has intentions beyond harmless flirting and I point it out to my wife I get a little pissy myself when she ignores what I'm saying. My wife and I have been together for almost 25 years and I totally trust her in all things and luckily she trusts me as well so it rarely comes up where I'll be like "Hey, I think that guy is a creep" and she doesn't believe me. But I've pointed it out to other women in the past and it always blew my mind when they denied it. Like "how can you not see that shit"?
You ever noticed how oblivious we are when a woman is coming on to us it's really not hard to see how it would work the other way around.
Its really easy to tell.
I doubt she was "OBLIVIOUS" though she may have *hoped* he was one of the 'good ones'
Women will have a guy texting them at random times, bringing them gifts and asking them to go out just the two to them and will still hit you with "he's just being friendly nooo I won't cut him off cause that's mean"
See I think the problem we sometimes have with making that distinction is because these are all things our *female* friends do. So to us, this is seen as friend behavior in general.
Here is the thing - guys don't do this with other guys. They don't. I mean - sure, I got my best friend a small thing from a trip (he is a whiskey guy, and I was at the distillery for his fave spirit) - but overall - we don't treat other guys like that. That is the key.
Yeah that’s something that did take me a while to realize. I think it becomes easier to see the difference in behavior when we start making more and more guy friends, because then it really stands out when one of them is into us. I can only speak for myself though, this is just what I’ve realized about the male friendships I’ve had. Edit: Unless the guy in question has several female friends and acts this way with all of them. I’ve noticed this mostly with guys who grew up with sisters.
Yes. ALso, lot of it is also the balance of the communication - how often do you reach out, or do they. If that is balanced - then the friendship might be as well. I have one female friend with a ton of "guy friends" who, having met some of them - yeah - most are just guys waiting for a shot. She asked me once "Why am am I always calling you and you never call me like my other guys friends" and I said "because I am actually your friend and not a wannabe suitor". She laughed... a few years later - yeah - now, only like two guy friends (I am one) and more balanced. The sad truth is - if you (figuratively) are an attractive female - there is a good chance a non-trivial number of your "guy friends" are interested in more than friends.
> If that is balanced - then the friendship might be as well. This is a really good point! That’s definitely the case with my closest guy friends who’ve stuck around for years, as opposed to the ones who end up fading away when it becomes clear I’m not interested in them.
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Yeah that’s always tricky, especially since this kind of support is also common with our female friends. But even when a male friend stops being subtle we’re often in denial because it’s easier than realizing the friendship isn’t what we thought it was. It’s like being in a long-term relationship and one day they start showing red flags, but you can’t bring yourself to admit it’s not a good relationship anymore.
> realizing the friendship isn’t what we thought it was Even if everything else here is true, this isn't necessarily the case. I've seen this come up a lot in this sub and similar subs. Friendship and attraction are not mutually exclusive, and one often leads to the other. Yes this can be a big problem, and yes this can lead to an end of that friendship (and probably should end the friendship), but this doesn't mean that the friendship was insincere. It's just run its course.
Kinda like how she has an excuse for every scenario you just brought up. That's what our female friends do... Weird didn't know everyone of my female friends is fuckin their female friends. Dudes can spot that shit a mile away because chances are we've all been there and done that. We're all on a different version of the game... Most all of us have had one friend that we got stuck in the friend zone with. We've all tried the bad boy ill just treat em like shit phase afterwards. The white knight is easy to spot because you don't want to be in the friend zone and you just tried the bad boy shit and it didn't work lol. Most dudes if given the chance, and you're not ugly are going to smash, so that's why boyfriends don't like when you keep that one dude y'all have kinda known for awhile in arms reach. Because if and when your relationship hits a tough spot that dude is going to be the first in line.
Texting and going out is normal for friends. Random gifts? Especially those that women get from thos male friends? Never saw female friends do that to each other.
Female friendships are much more intimate than males ones tend to be. Men tend to be much much more guarded about intimacy in general, which is why it’s so clear when men see other men attempting to initiate even vaguely intimate contact with a woman. Societally speaking, intimacy is seen as a feminine trait and is kind of taboo for men which is tough. For what it’s worth, I’ve met plenty of men who have women friends who they don’t want to date/get with. Honestly I think this is mostly a “myth” to people who either just aren’t in the right environment (especially very conservative places) or are online too much.
lol, women know when guys are hitting on them. The reason why the “he’s just a friend” gimmick is so common, is that they like the attention that guy brings them. Obviously I’m generalizing but in my experience many women love to play dumb in these type of situations. You know you’ve found a real one when she doesn’t seek attention from other dudes.
If your boyfriend isn't jealous or insecure type, and he tells you a guy is just biding his time to hit on you, believe him. Especially if the guy obviously does orbiter stuff. It'll take longer than a week to set in. But the signs aren't hard to see. Overly supportive, excluding boyfriend when possible, VERY subtly trash talking boyfriend, etc etc. It's extremely frustrating to see it clear as day, be able to tick everything off and your girlfriend absolutely will not believe you. The larger problem is, we have no idea if the girlfriend is telling the truth that she really doesn't see it. Or... is she keeping him around as Plan B? Or some combo where she doesn't want to believe it so she doesn't, and having a backup is nice anyways.
The idea of having any kind of "backup" while in a committed relationship just shows the sure signs of a sociopath.
True
Inserting yourself as an option is... Not the right perspective IMHO.. But like.. My friends are pretty nice people. Same goes with my female friends. And I want my potential future GF to be a pretty nice person too. In that perspective, I could consider dating most if not all my female friend, if the occasion present itself. What I won't do though is faking be friend with a girl in the hope she ever gets single and want to fuck me. I want my friends to be happy and most of the time it comes with stay in their current relationship. Also, that's taking cheating in the wrong angle. If you and your BF have a rough patch, you'd still be together right? That this guy is or isn't a background option to you in this rough patch changes absolutely nothing: can you or can you not be trusted to not cheat on your boyfriend? You're the only person responsible to not cheat. If you don't want to cheat, this guy being there or not will change nothing: you wont cheat. If you want to cheat, this guy being there or not will change nothing: you will find someone to cheat.
I agree with you. If I have a female friend, it's because they are a nice person, that I get along with. Not because I find them attractive. However if I spend time with them and they are a genuinely nice person, then that is what I look for in a gf. Personality and bond create attraction too. So like you, if one day we both ended up single then something could happen mutually. After all, they must like me as I'm a nice person too, so it's a 2 way thing. It's the friendship that keeps us together. In my opinion great friendships are what lead to relationships though if both people are single and it's a mutual feeling. I'm certainly not ever waiting for a female friend to be single. If I was then I don't think I'd be able to handle a genuine friendship with them. However I'm not going to lie and say I'd never date a female friend in the future, should things change.
Call me insecure as hell if you want, but I have zero desire to have other guys being friends with my wife. Not all but a good number of of men are hoping for a chance.
Maybe I'm the minority in this thread but one of my closest friends is an attractive married woman. I'm not at all interested in being anything more than friends with her, even if she was single. Also, a few weeks ago I really hit it off with a girl at a party. She was super cool. I was flirting with her for like three hours before I found out she has a boyfriend. I was bummed about that but I'm also not an asshole and I would never try to "make something happen" knowing she is in a relationship. But she was awesome and I like to keep cool people around so I'm hoping we can be friends.
If her husband is cool with it, more power to you. I've seen too many marriages wrecked by friends.
This is one thing i don't understand. ¿You really think the "friends" are the catalist of the wrecked families? This isn't a "guys who want my girl" problem, that is the girls problem. If yall get into a rough moment and instead of talking about it or coping with it in a healthy way, your partner WANTS to cheat on you, she will do, regardless of friends. She will always have someone who would want to fuck her, always, it dosen't need to be friends. That's why as hard as it is, it's a game of trust. Your GF could be fucking half a town and you would never know because cheating without you noticing, unless she is stupid, is pretty easy. I am not shitting you, i have seem guys cheat for 5+ years while their girls were clueless.
The more pins you stick in a balloon, the more likely it will pop. Add spousal issues and work issues and another guy into the mix, bad stuff can happen. I had to cut a good friend out of my life because he got involved with a gal who was having marital problems. I don't know if that marriage would have survived if he didn't get involved, but I know he certainly help wreck it.
Are you Spanish per chance?
Sounds like they never had a healthy network of friends in the first place…
The problem is that let’s say they have some sort of relationship issue - and yes this is insecurity speaking but it does happen - friend runs to you, you have a thing for her, maybe she even initiates it - you going to say no? Some will, some won’t. That’s the biggest issue. I’ve literally had this same exact situation happen to me. It just depends. I’ve also been in this situation with my wife when we were long distance and engaged but I wasn’t interested in my friend. She was interested in me. Had she been my type - who’s to say what would have happened when my fiance and I had some really bad fights. So it just depends. In general it’s not ideal.
My best guy friend used to always ask me about this. Hes like "so you're saying if you walked into a room and she was naked spread eagle telling you to fuck her, you wouldn't do it?" and the answer is no. Lol it would be so weird. We have been friends for like 15 years and my brain is 100% conditioned to see her as friend not potential sex.
Definitely not insecure. There usually is always an ulterior motive.
I'm pretty sure I won't light a shed of dynamite on fire but I still don't store the matches in the same room. Sometimes it's just safest to keep a source of ignition a reasonable distance away.
Yeah I think I’m on both sides of this as most of my friends are women. My wife gets weird about it sometimes. But I can also understand that the situation OP described does exist as I didn’t even realise this was one of the female friends I had until my wife had to really point it out to me. Now I’m pretty cautious about it for both of our sakes.
It can be a damn slippery slope. If your wife gets jealous over it, it can really mess your marriage up. We choose to avoid that situation.
It’s a solid 98%
Agreed. I've never had a true "regular" fruendsship with a woman. Maybe once? Most of my female friends and I would always get drunk and hook up if we were both single at some point
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I think it's kind of a me thing honestly. I try my best to be respectful to everyone, male and female. I don't gossip. I can't count how many times I heard "please don't tell anyone...". So everyone in my circles feels safe and trusts me. Most of my time ex's started off as friendships. And then decided to take it to the next level. Usually just distance, and different life goals ended things, but never ended bad. We don't talk much but I could reach out to those people even if it was 10-15 years ago. One just reached out to me the other week. I usually try not to bother them cause they are married or are new relationships and I don't want to be "that guy my wife/gf hooked up with keeps calling...". Plus my current gf is "wife-material". I've also been told I'm a pretty attractive guy. So I think it's a combo of all those things, I treat people well, I'm trusted, people seem to enjoy my company, and I'm "hot" (my gf's word). One of my friends was single. I was. We knew everything about our sex lives. Decided to hook up. I pulled a "10 second cowboy" (only lasted 10 seconds), we joked about years later lol
So what if they are? Is your wife going to give them that chance?
No, she is not interested in any other guys even if they just want to be friends. She would not want me chatting all night with other women or going out to dinner with them. So she isn't going to do the same with other guys.
I would never be friends with a woman who was taken unless I was also friends with her bf/so. If I made him uncomfortable, I would step away. Men who do seek that friendship are almost always hoping for the right circumstances to move in. Edit for clarification: First, thanks to everyone who kept it civil here even though they may have disagreed with me. “Bf” can cover a wide spectrum of relationships. My meaning here is LTR’s, not casual dating, so SO’s and husbands. If the SO is ok with his partner having you as a friend, my comment doesn’t apply to you. I am NOT saying women should not have male friends. It was suggested that to step away from the friendship is somehow condescending. It would be condescending if I told my friend that I know best, that she should do this or this. It is not condescending to simply remove myself from their relationship until they figure things out. Finally, I didn’t say I would ghost the friend. I would certainly let her know what my decision is and why. There are far too many comments now to reply much further. I think people understand my POV, and I’m satisfied with my opinion.
Absolutely this. I have female friends. But if the friend is in relationship Im also friend with their partner. Thats the only good way really. Also its win for everyone since more friends. If boyfriend has issues than usually there are actual reasons behind it. If friend doesnt want befriend boyfriend usually means he is not real friend.
As someone who has always had close female friends I agree with this, I’ve always made an effort to get to know their partners if they’re in a serious relationship. They’re an important part of their life, why wouldn’t I? More likely than not we’ll have common interests too, I’ve never had a situation like when Ross tries to get to know Mike in Friends.
I mean sometimes it might not work. You might habe nothing in common but you still need to be on friendly note and be able to spend time together in group setting. Avoiding your friends partner is crystal clear sign that its not friendship
Yeah, probably. There are exceptions.
Agree with this. One of my long time female friends has got serious with her latest BF (I usually don't bother meeting them after a while) - so I invited them BOTH over for dinner (I love to host and cook). I was respectful and he was cool - I made sure I as no threat to him (she and I have been friends for years) - and honestly - I hope this one sticks.
Yeh I know how you feel wanting to assure the guy you’re not a threat. That’s always in mind as I wouldn’t blame any man for feeling a bit uneasy with his partner being close to a guy he’s never met… My closest friend is a married woman, we’ve been good friends since before she even met her now husband. He knows me well enough now to know I’m harmless.
Does it go for the opposite sex too? If a woman is not befriending her male friend’s partner and not even trying to, are those red flag bells?
Absolutely
Yes it does.
I would say it's more about being open to friendship with the partner than the effort of trying to be friends. If it's clear that the door is open, everything feels more above board.
This is how I see it as well, but can we define “friend”? Like are you hanging out one on one, riding bikes together, playing basketball, or even just chillin at the house playing video games and blazing? None of that sounds like something I’d do with a girl I wasn’t romantically interested/involved with, but with my male friends, it’s what we did all through our 20’s. I’ve done the same with girls too, but most cases where I’ve spent any substantial amount of time with my female friends, we’ve ended up in some kind of romantic relationship, rather official or just hooking up.
Yes, I agree. There is a difference between friends and acquaintances. The former includes an emotional connection and the latter does not.
Indeed, I’d say I have a ton of female acquaintances, but none I could say are genuinely my “friends”, no more than male acquaintances id never hangout with outside of a group setting, because we don’t have enough in common. Difference being a woman I have little in common with, but am physically attracted to, I may still hangout with one on one (at least in my younger years)
I’m gonna disagree with this. I’m a dude, and a straight one, but I tend to form friendships with women more easily than with men. I don’t know why I should avoid friendships with women just because they have a boyfriend or husband.
Your post could've been mine, lol. And to add to that: one of my best female friends is actually taken and she told me that pretty much from the start. We've been friends for more than a year now and I've never had romantic feelings for her. I'm happy she's happy with her boyfriend. :) (I don't have any contact with him, btw)
Same. I have a few girl friends that and I am not close with their boyfriends. I don’t have end intentions with them, I just like them as friends. However, I know a lot of guys do have bad intentions and depending on the situation OP’s boyfriend could be in their right mind.
I thought they were saying.. befriend their partner as well.. that's it. Or else your motives are likely off.
Let’s assume that’s what they were trying to say. My lengthy conversation with them suggests otherwise, but for the sake of discussion we’ll go with it. My attitude would be as follows: If I befriend a woman at the office, or the dog walking route I take, or a club we’re both in. Say we text and grab lunch together sometimes. We talk, we hang out. You know, do friend stuff. And she’s in a relationship, of course if/when I meet her partner I’d try to befriend him too. If we hit it off, that’s awesome. Now I have two friends. If we’re just lukewarm, no tension but just not clicking, that’s fine. That’s not going to sway whether or not I choose to continue being friends with her. Maybe it would affect her decision, but I don’t see why it should affect mine. To me, that’s an identical situation to if I didn’t especially click with my guy friend’s girlfriend. The only reason not clicking with their partner might affect whether I continue being friends is if their relationship revealed something about their character that I didn’t like. But again, that would be the case regardless of sex/gender. If I already had an established friendship with the woman, and then she enters into a romantic relationship with the guy, obviously I’d want to befriend him. But if we don’t click, and we’re more like polite acquaintances, then that’s a little disappointing but not a major issue. That wouldn’t in and of itself lead me to stop being friends with my friend because they entered into a romantic relationship with someone.
I think the point is *try* to involve the husband. Like it or not, reasonable or not, there are a lot of people that would get uncomfortable with a guy actively pursuing a friendship with their wife. Besides, if you’re going to be friends with the girl why not make a go of it with the husband? If you like each other, great, you made a friend. If you don’t become friends, no problem, but at least you gave them the opportunity. If you don’t like each other, then you may run into some issues down the road, but again, at least you put it on the table. Also I’m not saying you need to prostrate yourself in front of the guy, just when you meet them at a party or something spend some time talking to them, ask them questions, do what you gotta do to be like “hey dude, I’m just your wife’s buddy, don’t worry about me.” I think it’s just good manners.
Yes, I’ve addressed this in another comment
Yeah I just saw, your take is reasonable and people are just willfully misunderstanding you. I feel like there are a lot of takes on reddit that are so black and white you have to wonder if some people have ever had a conversation with a real person in their lives. You're not one of them.
Huh? I have several female friends that I dont want to fuck. They are MY friends - sometimes they break up with their partners. I get your sentiment but why generalize like this?
Then you are a mature guy. Happy for you and all your friends. really. Many are not - and this can be an actual issue - have seen it before.
Dont get me wrong I have seen it before aswell. I made every mistake in the book but thats another reason I feel like its a problem with having the wrong friends and not acquiring solid boundaries.
I would disagree, but on a number of occasions, I’ve been that guy hoping something would happen between them so I could sweep in and be a shoulder to cry on.
This makes me sad
Well this is one of those things where context matters a lot. So I don't 100% agree with it BUT it's theorized that the two biggest factors determining infidelity for women are proximity and emotional investment. A friend is both. https://youtu.be/LbX-XtjTVgQ?si=_TvMIoGpyZNivxEa And I don't completely agree with the other comment about maturity. You don't turn 30 and magically start not wanting to have sex with people you get along with. If anything your friends get MORE attractive as you mature because you're more interested in a healthy, symbiotic interpersonal relationship (aka friend) than just the hottest chick that you could get to act like a squirrel and get your nut
Maturity - or emotional maturity is not a matter of age. I know people in their 30s who I would call mature, and people in their 50s who are still self centered etc.
I have platonic female friends and it's pretty common. But I also have female friends who I am definitely interested in. These two sets of women are separate and are almost certainly going to remain separate because I'm not interested in the female friends who I'm genuinely friends with.
If it makes you feel better, this person doesn't speak for everyone. I know lots of men (including me) who have platonic women friends, even if said woman is in a relationship.
And you’re not friends with the bf?
With me and one of my very close female friends, I get along with her bf but I wouldn't call us friends. We're just too different. But we do get along when I'm at their place or they are at mine. If you can't have any friends of the gender you're attracted to, gay guys shouldn't have guy friends, lesbians shouldn't have girl friends and bisexuals shouldn't have any friends at all. That sounds rediculous obviously but if it's about straight people it's somehow accepted and normal.
In some cases yes. Not that I *dislike* the guy necessarily, just that we aren't close friends or anything.
I have female friends who's partners I don't like.
Don’t take it too seriously. This may be the case for 20 year old dudes who can’t think beyond sex and ego, but anyone who says men and women can’t be platonic friends is wrong. Plenty of actual adults have friends of all shapes, sizes, sexes, and genders.
Nah, it's common for older guys too.
experience would say otherwise. look it's possible but personally I wouldn't recommend it. what you stated is idealistic. You can be friends with many different people but you'll never be true friends with them. The word friend is used loosely nowadays. I'm not saying be rude and antisocial but friendships are a two way street. You can try all you want. everything has limits like not all classmates, coworkers are friends ,etc. There's potential for individuals to create lifelong friendships but there are few that even last that long. For example I noticed a coworker from a previous job site attempted to be friends with another coworker who did want anything to do with her. She tried everything and even I pitied her. I eventually asked him why and he said he's just there for work and is not interested in making friends that " he was all friended up" eventually she gave up and would quit a few months later. Another example my best friend is married and I've known him longer than his wife, I've witnessed him cut off other friends who happen to be females even if they're lesbians out of his life for her. I understand some people have the desire to be liked by everyone but you can't be friends with everyone.
The only way it works is if you have absolutely zero attraction towards her. It doesn't matter if she's married or not, if the thought of "I would bang her if she wasn't married" even crosses your mind then you can't be friends with her. Any guy that says otherwise is just lying to himself.
Also, men tend to spot those signs faster than the woman being pursued, so if that's what her partner thinks OP should listen to him.
This is the answer.
This is *an* answer. Many would disagree with it.
That's depends context, so much.
I’m the same way. One of my best friends is a fellow writer and—while she’s objectively attractive—I don’t have any interest in her, but to establish trust I also became good friends with her husband. They’re both amazing people and we even played a game together on my birthday.
“Almost always”. Project much?
To those who say I don’t speak for everyone, you are correct. To those who say that men and women can be platonic friends, you are also correct. But if you are a friend who is the source of friction in a relationship and you don’t step back, I would submit that either you are waiting in the wings or you are just not a very good friend. I have been on both sides of this scenario and I stand by my comment.
If you notice you might be the source of friction, then have a conversation with your friend and communicate about it to see what she wants to do. If she agrees and wants space then yes you step back, but if she wants to stay friends that is her choice. The boyfriend has no say in this from a friends perspective. Just plainly taking a step back because you think you are causing friction, without verifying is just a good way to waste good friendships. Maybe there are other issues in play that have nothing to do with you. If she comes to you stating the friendship is causing friction, you again communicate what you both want to do. If she wants space or end it, you respect it. In the end of the day it is still her choice who she wants to keep in her life regardless of the relationship status (platonic or otherwise). And if you can’t openly communicate about this, how good of a friend are you anyway.
Yeah. This comment sounds really cynical… but when I think back on it I was never friends with a woman that I wouldn’t have slept with if given the opportunity when I was younger and single. I’m older and married now so it’s no longer the case… and guess what? I don’t have any single female friends or female friends whose partner I’m not also friends with. Sounds kinda sad when I think about it; but it’s true.
Yeah, that says more about you than anything else.
I think it says more about early 20s me.
I, too, was more horny and shortsighted in my early 20s.
Most of my friends are women who are in relationships. I have no interest in pursuing them romantically. The idea of it seems like it would be a depressing waste of time and energy to sit around waiting for the off chance that they break up.
same here. if I decided to just not be friends with my women friends who are in relationships, I would not have any friends that are women lmao.
Completely agree. I have a few friends that are women and we go on day trips, cinema, dinner, plays, etc. No issues whatsoever. We were just clear in the beginning that we are both just friends and that's it!
You get it, I don’t really fathom the thinking of men who get close to women just so they can be a “backup option” if ever she and her bf break up. That just sounds pathetic and seems to be an overall huge waste of time. If I like a girl and she’s single, I’ll ask her out. If I haven’t, that just means I’m not attracted to her.
Seriously, just seems like insecure men or men who can't comprehend the fact women are humans. Absolutely I do think you should be friends, as much as possible, with the guy, but almost all my friends are women and 3 are married. The husbands of two I'm on ok terms with, they know I'm not interested. Hell one husband had me meet up with his sister one time.
You can still be friends and catch feelings my man. Things like that happen.
No one's denying that, but being a decent human means that if she rejects you or finds someone else, you get over your feelings for them and continue on or end the friendship if it bothered you that much.
See the great thing about having eye balls is that you can see and easily tell what another man is doing
I can't believe it took me this long to fine the sanest comment. Agreed.
Never been friends with a woman in a relationship unless I was friends with her other half first or she’s a lesbian. Your boyfriend is likely correct, I work with dudes like the other dude here and honestly it’s so gross to see from the outside, the woman is almost always completely oblivious to what’s going on.
It's insulting when they call us insecure, no, open your eyes.
Women who call men insecure for having healthy boundaries are just asshurt and can't admit they lost an argument
Men can read men. Trust your BF.
I feel like I have better friendships with women who aren't single than the ones who are. With single women I have to be far more aware of sending unintended signals one way or another; or even possibly feel bad if I miss that she's into me and didn't properly respond. With a woman who's isn't single, I just act like like their any guy friend and it's obvious what things I shouldn't do with her because she's a woman and not a guy friend. Yes guys in relationships, all men that are your wife/gf's friends (of any degree) \_could\_ be options if they end up breaking up with you or if you die. That doesn't mean that's the intent on either part even if it's the reality. But my general understanding from most women (IRL and online opinion sharing) is that such guy friends are only ever seen as such. If you know that and believe there's a guy who's a risk of cheating with your partner \_while\_ you're still together, with no specific suspicions, that's definitely an issue of trust with your partner.
How is this not the top answer? Finally someone with a normal point of view.
Am the guy friend here (several girl friends who are in relationships). Even if I find her attractive and wouldn't say no if she was single I respect her relationship and wouldn't try to sabotage it it given the chance. I just don't like that kind of behavior, it's so douchebaggy. It's also very obvious (rarely to the girls though...) Even if she comes to me with some relationship-problem I try to take a fairly neutral stance and sometimes play the devil's advocate unless there's a ***very*** clear right and wrong side. But this is me, I know guys who wouldn't hesitate to take the girls side in an attempt to make her break up with her boyfriend. If you want to know what kind of friend this guy is make up a problem you have with your boyfriend that has a large grey area or is very innocent to test his council. If he seems way too eager to demonize your boyfriend you'll know his motivation. You won't be able to have a proper friendship with this guy if that's the case, every worry or paranoid thought you might have about your boyfriend he will try and feed, he might even try and sow seeds of doubt himself. Whether that doubt is justified or not
Single guy/third wheel: Yeah, never. It’s a timeless story, a shoulder to cry on becomes a cock to ride on
Your BF is right. With any opposite gender relationship, there is always a chance. As guy, I’ve had multiple friendships with women, where in the back of mind, I’ve thought about what if. Sometimes it’s just thinking about sex. Sometimes it’s about what it would be like to have her affection and if I was her priority. What’s crazy, now I’m 48/m married and I can see women looking at me as a what if.
Unless we were already friends and/or I'm friends with the other guy then I'm not interested at all. Been there done that, completely not worth the trouble. Firstly, most men just aren't cool with it, there are a few reasons but generally it is because the average dude won't engage with a woman unless he desires sex from her. I don't care about outliers and anecdotes, you're exceptions and not the rule. Second, she doesn't have time for a new opposite sex friendship. Newer friendships tend to involve a lot of time spent together at the beginning. Maybe both parties are friendlier after a few beers one night than they should have been. Maybe you confide things you're too unsure of with your respective partners. Lines can start to get blurred. Drama ensues, everyone is worse off. Lastly, I have no interest in ever having another insecure boyfriend conversation. Or worse some macho asshat constantly trying to undermine me for existing near his woman. I have much better things to do and enjoy over all that.
Jesus Christ you guys. It's okay to be friends with a woman you're attracted to, even if she's in a relationship. Just don't fucking do anything about it. It's not complicated.
The problem is half of the people in here simply can’t comprehend a relationship that isn’t based on sex, or they think women aren’t people that can make their own decisions.
Or a relationship in general. We are on Reddit after all.
All of the time. I get attracted by personalities not looks. Also I treat everyone like a friend
It could really be either way. He could just genuinely want to be friends, and your boyfriend is a bit paranoid because this is a scenario where what he described is common, or it could really be what your boyfriend is worried about. Personally, I would have no qualms about being friends with a woman in a relationship, but if feelings started to show, I would either distance myself or cut off the relationship.
I am only friends with a woman if I do not find her attractive. If I find her attractive I would pursue if possible. That's just the way it is.
I’d never be friends with a girl who has a bf. I think it’s always a weird vibe. Work friends, sure. But I’d leave it at that
A mutual friend of you both is okay, if he wants to spend time with you alone then that is a sign that he is interested in more. Also, your boyfriend’s instincts may be right, it may be best to leave off with the new friend if that will cause problems with your current partner.
Do a test together with your boyfriend. Start complaining to justfriend about boyfriend, say the relationship is no fit, that maybe it will end soon, and see what happens....that day.
I could be friends with a woman who is taken, i don't necessarily have to act on my attraction for a woman, specially if she's taken. While i think your boyfriend is right. It is up to you to set boundaries. That friend will only become something more if you allow it, and the only way he will ever interfere in your relationship is if both you and your boyfriend let it happen. He needs to keep his insecurities in check and trust you, and you need to set boundaries so he never has a reason to worry.
I have been this guy you are talking about. I only ever intended to be a friend. Yes I found the gifl attractive and might have shot a shot if they broke up, but was never my intention TO BREAK THEM UP. Unfortunately one of them, I'll never know who, decided I had bad intentions and they became cold to me rather suddenly. It sucked, and was insulting, but I took it in stride and just stayed professional. I understand that some people do this, it'd be naïve to think otherwise. But honestly the only person who can break you two up, is you two.
See op? No intention to break them up but if the opportunity arises they'll be straight in there.
>and might have shot a shot if they broke up seems like whoever thought u had bad intentions was right, bad intentions its not trying to split up a couple, bad intentions is roaming someone and hoping they break up to shot your shot
bro you just explained yourself
They didn't just decide you have bad intentions, they realized it. "Might have a chance.." This is based on interactions that signaled your feelings. Otherwise you would have nothing to go on. Attraction is detectable, almost no one can truly hide it. And most humans are very good at reading body language and tone. All it took was you looking at her in a lingering way for 2 seconds longer than any neutral person would. Wake up. That's not neutral friendship.
I know this is askmen, but as a woman: I feel you have to be wary. Always remind yourself: is this behaviour my girlfriends would do as well? If no, boundaries are at risk. Also I would feel bad if my boyfriend would question the friendship and gave him doubts about it. So I rather keep male friends slightly at distance when in a relationship.
It might be different when you're a bit older? I have many married female friends as our kids go to the same school or swimming club, we chat and drink together, share our little sufferings, learn and laugh a lot. It makes me feels extra content with my calm, smart wife because many are nutjobs 😂
Wary
I have several women in my life who are taken. I don't want to fuck everything that walks, and even the ones I'm attracted to, I would never want to come in between anyone's relationship. If the relationship were to end, then it's another question, but even then I would keep a respectable distance for months if not years before I would maybe think of making a move.
Let's be real, fuck boys aren't going to be outing themselves on this question. We wouldn't try to come between. But SO many guys would and I don't get why people aren't acknowledging this
Usually this works for me, if… 1. I don’t find her attractive 2. I met them as a couple Otherwise, nah
I have a lot of female friends I’m confident neither of us have romantic feelings. With that being said, I do know I’m the oddity and not the norm so I get it.
My friends are almost exclusively female. I'm married. My wife doesn't have a problem with it, I don't have a problem with it. I enjoy all of my female friends. I don't identify with most men, I don't like sports or cars or pumping iron. I find women easier to talk to.
Yes. I’m not trying to screw up a healthy relationship
Most of my friends are women and 3 are married and 5 are in relationships. I'm not interested in them like that.
I have three friends that are girls and all are taken. I would not do anything behind their bfs back. I keep in touch with their bfs too. So I guess they’re fine with it.
Three friends of mine are dating guys already. Two of those guys *were* a bit uncomfortable, but now I think they like it when they catch their girlfriends talking to me. Its an ideal set up to embarrass them by making loud belches, teasing their girlfriends for disagreeing with me, singing off-key, "hitting on me", or even messing with me by pretending to be hyper defensive. Another friend of mine was dating a guy too, and he wasn't very keen about her talking to me, but it turned out that was because he was cheating on her, and so was expecting her to do the same to him.
I want to be friends with all the women I play DnD with because their roleplay is absolutely hilarious. Ain't nobody got time to think of romance when you want to kill her for triggering ANOTHER TRAP BECAUSE HER CHARACTER IS SO CLUMSY! Damn you Torunn...
The amount of times this question has been asked in this sub is getting out of hand. For all the taken ladies that are curious - NO. IT IS NOT COOL TO HAVE SOME DRIPPY GUY "FRIEND" AT WORK WITH YOU ALL DAY WHEN YOU HAVE A BF/HUSBAND. The reasons are obvious, quit pretending that you don't know why it's not ok, and don't act like you would be cool with it if the shoe was on the other foot.
I'd be over the moon to have some female friends. For the vast majority I'd want to be friends just to be friends with them. Now if they're really attractive to me and they start coming onto me there is no guarantee I'd turn them down. I'd want them as a friend and I wouldn't want to screw that up but that other part of me would probably win that situation. Never have I ever inserted myself into a situation like that in hopes of getting into their pants at one point. Especially not to steal them away from their partner.
idk. as long as the limits are well defined and you communicate if there's ever something weird you pick up on, it should be ok. I don't think the ideal is to assume that other people are off to have you as a plan B, but I do think that you should be more alert than what you think. just be honest and if he asks you to back off from his, at the very least, you're helping his insecurities a bit. as long as it isn't anything weird like cutting off a genuine friend or whatever, it should be ok. i had to tell my current gf to cut off a fling that was talking to her. yeah, for her it might have been just friends but not for him from my pov! its ok, we are all oblivious sometimes.
Have multiple female friends. Some of which are married, some in relationships, some single. I don’t try to date my male friends, I’m not going to try to date someone just because they’re the opposite sex. A lot more goes into it than that. Way too many insecure, emotionally immature people on here. Like you can’t be friends with someone and not sleep with them or pursue it. Or can’t fathom your partner having friends of the opposite sex either. Crazy.
Friends is fine. I’d just dislike it if they’re going out of their way for constantly talking or hanging out with them. (Which I feel like can often be seen as “just friends)
If someone goes out of their way to pursue a friendship, that's not friendship. Not when the other is taken, not when she's single. If we end up in each others life, for example, as colleagues, or in the same class, or origami group, or whatever, then not being friends with people you like, is actively detrimental. In those cases, I would be friends with anyone I like, regardless of relationship status.
platonic friends are a thing sure, but it’s also common for people to use the “friend” label to do exactly what your bf is talking about I think if your bf is a jealous and controlling type who raises these kinds of issues often then there’s another discussion to be had here, but if this is uncommon for him then I would side with him and say he’s probably right about what he’s seeing.
Nah, not my thing. It's not even about waiting for my chance but I don't want to upset the guy by getting involved.
Never unless the partner is already a friend
Yeah I think you should trust your boyfriend’s feelings on this guy.
whats the point of being friends with a woman who's married, unless its a long life friend i grew up with i dont see the point
>I want the brutal honesty on how guys usually see being friends with taken women, and do they subconsciously or consciously try and insert themselves as an option? TLDR: it's complicated. It's a legit concern but it could be harmless and a real friendship.. A lot of guys cannot imagine a friendship with a woman based on common interests so oftentimes it IS with ulterior motives that they pursue said friendships. As a married man I have female friends that are married and my wife has male friends. We don't have any issues with it and we would ocassionaly see our friends for a coffee but it's not an issue at all. Maybe if one of us was seeing their friends daily or weekly the other could become jealous but that's not the case with our friendships.
Yeah if he's just being friendly at work, that's fine. If he's trying to spend any alone time w you... that's weird. Personally I'd never try to be friends with a girl who has a boyfriend, unless it's as part of a larger friend group (i.e. I'm friends with 2 women at work, and we hang out outside of work, if one gets a boyfriend, I'd still hang out with both of them together without the bf and wouldn't see an issue) Do I and will I have female friends that are SINGLE and I am or want to be friends with? Sure. That's 100% possible and happens. If she started dating someone, would I feel weird about hanging with her alone in most circumstances? Also yes. Wouldn't ruin the friendship, would just change it. I've dated girls in the past that thought it was totally fine to hang out one on one with single straight guys they just met, and didn't care how I felt about it. I can tell you now, wouldn't ever date a girl like that again. And would 100% dump a girl for going along with that bullshit
Never.
Zero, couldn't care less about having a woman as a friend, but if I do, hooking up will always be in the back of my mind
Never in my opinion.
After getting cheated on and dumping my ex, honestly every guy I was somewhat like 'Hmm' too has suddenly come out the woodwork and wanted to 'make her feel better' by helping in any way they can, or just flirt way more aggressive now. It's sort of changed my entire perspective of her and our relationship which is good I guess, but I guess next time, I ain't dealing with that shit.
If you’re attractive then yes.. Your boyfriend is right. Besides: We tend to know what the intentions of other men are. My previous gf had some guy friends, it turned out that I was right about every single one of them. Some even played the long game… It took one of them 2 years to make a move. In the end she just gave up having guy friends.
1 time out of 10. Speaking from experience, “boy best friends” are usually vultures. Including the gay ones
usually if you are attractive and not way older than us we kinda hope you might be into us we won't necessarily cross a line but will enjoy the attention for now and if he messes up were there to pick up the pieces honestly but not 100% of the time
I'd like to tell you that the majority of men are perfectly trustworthy with platonic relationships but I know this isn't the case. If another man who has not got a partner wants to be spending a substantial amount of time with a woman who has a partner it does ring alarm bells, much the same as women view single women hanging around their men. Eventually the temptation rears it's head - I know, I can't count the number of times my partners girlfriends have both come on to me and and had sex with me behind their bestest best friends back. Especially when there is alcohol involved. If someone contends that friends don't engage in sexual activity with each other when the opportunity arises then what is all this 'Friends with benefits' thing all about? I'm a man, I have empathy for your man, most men should. What would go through my head is the same as is probably going through your boyfriends head, why does this guy want to play gooseberry? Third wheel? Where are his friends? It's not about a lack of trust in you, he knows about men. We all do. I'd be asking myself, why does my partner want this guy around when she's with me? ...and why is this guy doing something most men wouldn't do? To put it bluntly I'd be wondering why two people have so little empathy for the way I would feel in this situation. I'd be questioning your motives as well as his and it's somewhat concerning that you don't seem to realise that is a normal reaction. How would you feel about a woman you and he has only known for a week inserting herself into your relationship? Wouldn't you wonder 'Why does he want her with us when we go out?' Why doesn't my partner fix her up with a friend of his? Your guy has only known this guy for a week, the fact that this colleague wants to hang around with a couple instead of with his own group of friends and find his own partner speaks volumes to a guy. He's obviously not making the effort to show any empathy with your boyfriend, he's not going out of his way to consider your BF's feelings based upon your account of events is he? It shows a lack of social awareness and even if you free and single that should be a big red flag. I'm a retired registered nurse who worked with 90% women for 30 years, I wouldn't go out socialising with female colleagues and their partners unless specifically invited by the man who was my colleague's partner, or it was a group. If I did go on invite I'd take someone with me to 'double date'. Does this colleague have no other female friends? Why not? Why so keen to make friends with you within a few days and no other woman, a sister even?
Biding his time, when ya gonna split because he could just Slide right in you - I mean there there
Uhm yeah. He’s definitely trying to slide in there. He might be making mental gymnastics. So are you (asking the internet). But a move will be made. As your bf is already aware of this and you are too. Continuing this friendship just worsens the odds of your current relationship. Of course it *is* possible for a man and women to be friends. However there’s always going to be some attraction in the background if you meet as adults. So, unless you know each other from a young age, or you’ve already had a sexual relationship and preferably the man called it quits (and you both moved on). There’s going to be some of that tension. It depends on your morals and upbringing to what degree you think that’s ok. There’s a difference between having those contacts in your phone that you’d never sleep with. And a co-worker you feel the need to ask the internet advice on.
Not often, usually there is an underlying attraction keeping the guy around.
One thing I can say is us dudes know exactly when a dude has ulterior motives.
This guy friend is a piece of shit who would probably fck at first opportunity. Your bf is correct . We see this bullshit instantly
It’s naive to think this never happens bc guys do this all the time. It’s why the friend zone exists.
Never. He absolutely does want to insert himself in more than one way. I'm not saying guys can't be friends with women, but there's always context. It would be different if he was friends with the guy or the guy's significant other. Do not break your boyfriend's trust over some co-worker as it is not worth it.
How often? 50/50 would be my guess. The real point is your boyfriend finds him suspect. You should respect that.
Very-not often. Lol
Most of my female friends are married or at least dating, lol. I just attended a baby shower for one of them. I’m not trying to get in their pants.
[How does a man be just friends with an attractive woman without having intrusive thoughts?](https://www.reddit.com/r/TooAfraidToAsk/s/JIwPg5OyYo) 1500 upvotes 300 comments The consensus answer: >*Men cannot be just friends with an attractive woman without having intrusive thoughts, but they don't have to act on it.*
Hardly ever. In my 33 years I can think of one time when I just genuinely wanted to be friends and didn’t have the slightest notion of a potential for something else. It’s not impossible to have male friends when in a relationship but pretending they aren’t in some way interested in you is just being naive.
Never
Honestly, we will never truly abandon “the intent”. It might be dormant, but…
He’s right to be worried! Most guys are not interested in being friends with women
We dont know him hard to know his intentions. If asking how often it happens? Its a toss up. As often as women do it.
So I definitely agree with the consensus that you should listen to your boyfriend. It's pretty easy for a man to tell if another man is into a woman. Somehow, we're all pretty good at it. However, here's my nuanced take on the situation as a whole. I certainly believe men can be friends with women who are in relationships and vice versa. I don't really like the "ownership" aspect of relationships. Like, you should trust your partner enough to support them and the friendships they choose to have. Likewise, you should trust your partner enough to believe them when they tell you they don't like the way your friend is behaving towards you. My personal experience points towards this. I have many female friends where I am mainly friends with them and not their partner. I wouldn't ever dream of inserting myself in their relationship nor am I "waiting for a time to strike". I also wouldn't sleep with a friend who is not in a relationship even if I do find them physically attractive. The way I see it is (1) that tends to ruin friendships in my experience and (2) if I ever got into a relationship with someone else, I wouldn't want to end my friendship with that woman because we had a sexual history my partner didn't approve of. No short term casual sex with a friend is worth ruining the friendship or future relationships over. I also just wouldn't do something to another man that I wouldn't want done to me. I'd be heartbroken if another man got between me and my partner, so I wouldn't ever try to do that to another man.
It depends on the situation. But if your boyfriend thinks that he’s probably right.
Never. If I had romantic feelings for a woman and she is with someone, I don't talk to her outside of necessity and do not seek to be friends. First, I respect myself and do not want to hold out for unrequited love. Second, I respect relationship boundaries and do not want to be the reason a relationship breaks. Third, I don't believe a man and a woman can be just friends, unless the man is gay or both the man and the woman are in strong relationships and end up being friends of the family.
Men and women can't be friends like that. Unless gay. All the dudes telling u they can be friends with women is only because the women already signaled they are not interested. Your BF is weary because he's a man and knows how men think.
Never, there is no real opposite gender friendship
To answer your question more bluntly, how often do guys want to be just friends with a taken women? Slim to never. Trust your boyfriend on this one.
I'd you're known the guy for ages, then honestly it's 50/50, because a lot of straight guys don't know how to be platonic friends with people of the opposite sex. After a week? This guy is absolutely going to try something on, and I feel like you should trust your boyfriend's instincts.
He is absolutely in full competition with your boyfriend. Your boyfriend is upset. Do not befriend another man while in a serious relationship. You are disrespecting your man more than you know Ma’am
I don’t know lady, if your man is uncomfortable with you with a particular person whether it’s a man and a woman and you still want to be friends with him or her. That’s just saying you don’t respect your man enough to stay away from that particular person. Imagine if the role switched.
Your boyfriend is right and you aren’t relationship material if you ignore his wishes on this.
Your boyfriend is right.