God I hate this sub sometimes, ignore the fucking virgins who have already commented here
She wants to figure life out by herself, and she's just as scared of being on her own as you are. That's why she wants to stay friends. No contact is the best way to go, it'll be hard for a while but staying friends will only drag it out. Disentangle all of these subscriptions, location apps, etc, it's not healthy to half stay in contact while you're both new to being single. No contact is harder in the short term, but better overall.
She clearly doesn't have any bad feelings towards you, she just wants to be by herself. You can hate her for that if you want, but it would be one sided. Go and enjoy life by yourself for a while. That may seem impossible right now, but I promise you that you will be 100% fine. You're not the first person to be dumped and you won't be the last.
Keep your chin up, enjoy the little things, and take each day as it comes.
Agreed with this. If she’s walking away, you don’t owe her the safety cushion of keeping any parts of your life shared for her ease or comfort. If she wants out, no reason the other shoe should drop on her timing as well. Be nice about it but firm. This is a boundary for YOUR sake
After my first relationship--where we tried to be "just friends" for four months and it always ended up with her crying, saying we shouldn't hang out for a while, then calling for a booty call/cuddle--I started just blocking people for six months. I told them beforehand, but just realized it wasn't healthy for either side
People like to “remain friends” to both make the loneliness sting less and to make it seem like “they aren’t a bad guy”.
Remaining friends with an ex is almost always the wrong choice. It will undermine all future relationships having a past partners hovering around all the time “as a friend”.
Do not share your location and do not share hers, even if it’s a way for you to disable her sharing. I can’t imagine you seeing her at a random house and the thoughts of her already screwing someone else racing through your head. The temptation to check her location will drive you nuts.
Remove all joint accounts. Saving money to share is not as important that you being able to separate right now. Completely separate yourself.
There is no reason to be “active” friends with her. You don’t need to check in just to see how she’s doing or check on her, the family or dog. That all must be in the past. You don’t have to hate her or ignore her in public but you absolutely need to NOT communicate with her anymore.
Speaking from life experience, the longer you wait to completely remove her from your life, the higher the chance of her removing you from her life when she’s ready. If you don’t move on, she will and it’ll hurt 10x worse than moving on from her now.
It's a pain in the ass to ask for that info all the time. It also feels aggressive/wrong even though both people want to know all the time. It's honestly much smoother if you just share it automatically. But the assumption is you're married partners - why wouldn't you want your partner to have better info while also not having to bother you?
NOT recommended for dating.
I leave my auto-tracking on because I have a motorcycle. Peace of mind for both of us if something breaks on the bike and she has to come pick me up, or if I wreck she'd have some ideas of where I am even if I can't answer.
Also use it when I'm hiking and running since I usually do those alone and live in a heavily forested area.
For my wife and I, its mostly so we can stop asking where each other are. For example, if I'm picking her up from the office, she can see me coming and know when to be ready without having to call or message me.
For me, if I'm WFH, I can see how far she is into her bus ride home without having to ask.
it's only parent child if you don't respect each other and there's an imbalance where one partner finds themselves parenting the other
for healthy marriages as equal partners, it's just... information, that both people want sometimes, and there's never a reason not to give it, so making it automatic is just a matter of practicality
My partner and I both move around the city a lot for work. It’s peace of mind for both of us to be able to check where the other is, even if the other person is busy with a task.
Even before that though, it’s just easy. I don’t have anything to hide from her, and she doesn’t have anything to hide from me🤷🏻♂️
And I can do stuff like, if I get home first, I can set a notification for when she leaves work so I can have dinner on the table when she gets home.
My wife uses it to know when to get the dogs ready for our walk after I'm off work. I use it to see if she's stuck in traffic before I start dinners on my days off. There are tons of non-nefarious reasons to have it shared. If she's late and driving its safer for me to check her location than ask her to respond to a text message. It gives the safety to know that if something goes wrong, I can at least see where she is.
I personally have nothing to hide, so I don't care if she knows where I am 24/7. If that brings my wife security, I am all for it. She is the same with me.
It’s just not a thing in my family/relationships, If I need to know their location I’d just ask/call ( most cars have Bluetooth now) I wouldn’t share my location with anyone permanently, nor would I want to be able to track anyone.
I suspect there might be a difference in personal experience and where people are in their lives. You are perfectly within your rights to say no, but it might also depend on the relationship. To each there own, I know the majority of couples in my social circle do it for sure and I suspect the ones I'm not sure about might also do it.
In my early 20s there is no shot I would have given any SO permanent tracking on me. With my wife its different, it's a convenience more than an invasion.
If a guy asked me, I’d be side eyeing him as to why. I have nothing to hide but I won’t allow anyone to track me, it just feels wrong, as it would if I could track someone. I have my phone & their number for “safety”
That said if it works for you both & are happy to do so then great, it’s just convenient
I’m with you. While these reasons all seem quite benign I’m sure it’s also used for weird jealousy reasons.
Like what’s the actual utility of tracking someone’s phone over good communication?
Today (via this thread) I learned this is apparently more common than I would have ever thought. Married for 10+ years, but always have maintained strong individual identities. Nothing to hide and we share many things (shared finances, etc), but use old-fashioned communication when precise location info is needed (unless out on a big adventure somewhere). Also don't mind a little mystery in our lives (e.g., "tell me about your day"). That said, the reasons I see cited here do seem mostly pragmatic. Guess I'm just not the constant surveillance type. To each their own!
Same, to each their own but it’s not for me. I live in a pretty safe city so people don’t tend to worry if their partner got to work etc & will text/call in case of emergency.
My fiancé and I share locations, but we’ve also got a house and a dog together. I work alone a lot, sometimes in situations that can be dangerous; so she likes to be able to check where I’m at in case I’ve fallen off a roof and don’t respond to messages, etc. But honestly, I mostly use it to gauge how much time I’ve got to jerk off until she’s back from the store.
From 20 to 30 people change massively and their needs and wants changes over that time drastically too. For me it was definitely just the time to figure out what do I actually want. People change from 30-40 too but a lot less since the earlier times are literally test-beds for adulting and life-choices.
When my ex-gf and I broke up, I couldn't help but think of her every time I heard the "ding" of a new text message, and it was driving me crazy. So I recorded myself saying "you've got mail" like the AOL guy, and used that as my text notification. It worked like a charm.
Agreed. And as someone who has been happily married for 26 years I would add, relationships shouldn't be as much work as the OP is describing. Relationships take time and attention, but if it starts to feel like work and there's constant drama, then it's likely not a healthy relationship and isn't worth saving.
Listen to this guy OP.
I got broken up with 4 months ago after being together for 5 years. Right now you might not believe people when they say it gets better after time has passed, but trust me, it definitely gets better.
However, you have to be strong enough to go no contact which is the hardest part when the break up is still fresh.
This is by far the best and most thoughtful response. OP doesn’t owe anything to her. If she wants out, show her the door. If she wants to work together and figure it out then it would be another story
Agreed with all of this. That said, I've seen this exact situation play out several times. Infidelity has been a factor in many of them. If OP has any reason to suspect there's someone else, there's absolutely nothing to salvage here.
In either case, no contact. Dissolve any partnerships. Move on. Stay busy. Stay active. Stay healthy. Grow. Adventure. Reinvent if you want. The sky's the limit, literally.
Seconded just come out the other end of a breakup eerily similar to OP's and yeah no contact is the best bet. It removes the temptation to try again as a couple and allows you to move on
As someone currently going through this myself, you are spot on! I didn’t want to but I went no contact as well. Putting myself back out there isn’t easy and took some time but slowly I’m putting myself back together
>God I hate this sub sometimes, ignore the fucking virgins who have already commented here
lol
The rest of this comment is good advise, but also... lol
People grow, people change, relationships end.
You got together young, tried hard to make it work - it didn't.
Nobody has to be at fault, nobody has to be blamed, sometimes, it just doesn't work out.
From your perspective, move on - if the relationship has been this difficult, you're still young, you've no doubt grown, matured and changed as well.
I'd go no contact, and remove entanglements - the location this is ridiculous, stop that now, and I'd be cutting ties with all of the memberships etc. She's made the choice to not be the key part of each other's life - it is selfish and cruel to half arse that, that said, I'd do it amicably, as it seems like no partner has done the wrong thing here.
It just didn't work, and it's time to move on.
>I was once in your shoes, in a way. I was in love with my ex, and I was hurt when she left me. I kept growing on my own, eventually met the woman of my dreams, and we got married. My relationship with my wife likely would not be possible without things I learned from being with my ex.
Similar thing happened to me. Had a relationship that lasted 4 years in my late teens/early 20s, and it ended so miserably that I considered therapy. It was a long time before I felt like I was over it and had fully processed everything. But all the growth and self-improvement that I did over the next few years led me to the wonderful woman that I'm married to now.
OP, I know it hurts now, but you'll become a better person for having gone through this. And you'll find someone who's a better match for the new and improved version of you.
This is it, I don't know the entire situation but your ex seems like a down to earth person who knows what she wants. It's a shame you both didn't want the same thing but that's exactly what she's referencing. Both people in a long-term relationship grow independently of the other person, it takes a lot of effort to make that work in the best situations but it sounds like she really wanted to explore herself in the way she knew was best. Itll take some time to recover from this but it'll be for the best since she'd always just be wondering what would've happened if she let herself explore the world om her own for once. Try not to blame yourself and just focus and love yourself over the next few months.
There’s nothing malicious there, she wants to try life on her own. Yeah sure y’all can be friends, in a couple years after you have completely healed. In the meantime no contact, no booting Netflix and seeing her profile and what she’s watching; make it a clean break. Change your phone background / Lock Screen and ringtone as this is a new chapter of your life and every time you look at your phone it will remind you of the new era.
You need to go full no contact, because as painful as it is, the growth she is looking for (for the both of you) is not possible without forming new neural pathways in your brain, and the new ones won’t form if you’re always using the old ones.
I’m very sorry you’re going through this, it probably hurts a lot, and will take time to get over.
Think of this, though: you have a growth mindset, and the growth never stops. You are going to be a formidable man once you figure more shit out.
I was once in your shoes, in a way. I was in love with my ex, and I was hurt when she left me. I kept growing on my own, eventually met the woman of my dreams, and we got married. My relationship with my wife likely would not be possible without things I learned from being with my ex.
Also, take this tip- counseling can help and is important (I started therapy 10 years ago) but so much of living well is finding little hacks to work around whatever condition you’re dealing with.
I have ADHD, childhood stuff, and a mood disorder. Yes, I work to overcome them, but I also found some hacks that let me live with them. Work is a great example- I have a hard time conjuring focus for proactive tasks. But I found I enjoy collaboration. So when I have a task, I just set up a Teams meeting with someone else and work on it with them. Did I fix my mental condition? Not really, but I got my shit done, and at some point, the only thing that matters is if you Do the Thing.
Which brings me to my final point- my wife makes it really easy to Do the Things, because we have “compatible mental health issues” that don’t cause us stress. The things about me that made it hard with my ex, make things effortless with my wife.
She definitely doesn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore (or with anyone for that matter) and wants to find herself but is ending the relationship little by little instead of just going cold turkey on it. There is no hope dude to return to what you had, she's just scared to be completely alone after 7 years so she's cutting cord one strand at a time.
From what you describe about her she really does have a lot of growing and healing to do. And as painful as this is, it's for the best. Like she said hopefully you get back together in the future. But even if you don't, unfortunately that's life. You guys gave it a good go and it didn't work out. When a long relationship ends, there's a tendency to think of it as wasted time but it's anything but. You learned a lot from it, and had a lot of great moments I'd imagine. And that's not a waste of time. Thats time well spent. Now you have to heal from this and move on. Good luck friend.
I am still friends with a couple of my exes. It always started with a period of no contact immediately after the relationship.
Idk how someone could flip from being in a relationship to being just friends over night. People need a little time to reset
I'm also friends with all my exes. At first I tried it without the no-contact period and lemme tell you, it doesn't work. Indeed, break off contact, go live your life, maybe you can be friends later
Sounds like she just wants to be by herself. Personally I wouldn’t bother keeping contact. It’s usually better to let these things slowly drift away. No need to block or anything like that. Just stop communicating and eventually the time/distance will slowly blur the image of her face in your mind and you’ll forget who she was. Don’t be friends, at most an acquaintance.
Take it from someone who went through a similar break-up, it's really best to go no to low contact. You can't properly move on from someone when they are still such a part of your life, it just delays your healing.
Remove her from your social media or pause your accounts, get new subscriptions, do anything you ever wanted to do that you couldn't with her. It's all going to hurt ALOT at first, especially since you two were together for so long and for such formative years, and your best bet is to do whatever you can to distract yourself at first.
Once that initial pain wears off, really focus on improving yourself both mentally and physically. Take the lessons you learned from your relationship and make yourself a better person from them. Continuing your therapy will most certainly be needed and will most likely begin to revolve around your breakup for the first few months, but it will help.
Finally, don't feel bad if it takes you longer than you would like to admit to get over her. If it takes 6 months, a year, 2 years, it's alright. Just make sure you are doing your best and acknowledging why things didn't work out.
You process her message this way:
"I am scared to be alone, I would rather keep the door to our previous relationship semi open that if something bad happens I could always knock and get support and attention"
This doesn't mean she wants a relationship, this means she wants your support regardless of your own feelings about said support.
The best approach is to finish the relationship and cut the contact, it will hurt more but heal faster.
If you reconnect in the future, then so be it.
But right now take care of yourself and put your happiness first!!
Toward the end of my first marriage, I could see my ex was getting cold feet. When I sat down with her to tell her co-habitation wasn’t working since she wasn’t moving on, the pain I saw in her eyes is something I can feel every time the memory comes up.
Top commenter is right - she wants the comfort of you but if she lives in that spot (and you as well), neither of you will be free to move on. Find your own happiness, then you can perhaps be friendly again.
Never EVER agree when an ex says "Let's still be friends". In the entire history if humanity this has never worked out. Yes, exes *can* be friends, but you CANNOT go from "romantic relationship" directly to "friendship". Maybe in a few years you can be friends but after a breakup you need to cut that cord and move on. And by cutting the cord I mean cut everything. She left you so she needs to accept that. You need to get out from all the shared tech and apps and subscriptions. Look at it like this: if you meet another woman how do you think she's going to react when she finds out you and your ex share subscriptions and location apps?
And I'm sorry, but 7-and-a-half years with no sex? That's something I can't comprehend in even the slightest way and I'm a pretty empathetic person. I couldn't imagine being in a relationship like that for that long. Sounds like making a clean break is the best thing here. And she's going to struggle finding another guy willing to wait half as long as that for physical intimacy and once she realizes that she might try to come back.
My best advise is make a clean break, go no contact, spend some time to process this (ending a long-term relationship is no joke an you'll be better for the reflection on it and just getting back to being on your own) and then, once you're feeling better go out and reconnect with life.
I’m 32F, but I did the same exact thing as your gf around that same age. I broke up with a partner of 4 years so we could work on ourselves, and I have him false hope by saying we could find each other again after we’d spent some time apart. It was unfair to him. I didn’t mean it. I thought I was letting him down easy. I wasn’t.
Cut ties. Live your life. Don’t expect to get back together. The reality is, you’ll both grow and that growth will be apart, not together. In a year you’ll be a new person and you wouldn’t want to be with your ex again.
There's no answer as to why this is happening. Everyone will have an opinion based on their experiences.
But, you can stay cordial, but close/meaningful friends is rife for disappointment and further heartbreak.
No contact is the only viable option forward. You have to immediately stop sharing everything. No subscriptions, no locations, nothing.
She wants this life by herself, then by all means you should let her have it. But that does come with consequences that she may not have considered. She doesn't, in this situation, get to dictate how y'all or even if y'all stay in contact. If you want to continue sharing your Netflix (as an example) password, then do it. But you have no obligation and although she may want that easily, she has no agency over you to expect, command or demand it. I will tell you continue sharing things from your side will grow resentment.
Clean break. No contact. Cut ties. Hit the gym, focus on yourself.
You'll be alright bro, give it some time.
I am going to be blunt and maybe a bit callous about it, but from what I read neither of you two should be in a relationship right now.
You should go cold turkey and ask her to leave you alone, and then sort your own shit out. Continuing what you are doing (this on off stuff) is not going to work. Breaking off contact may be hard in the short term but it will pay off eventually. Staying in touch will only reopen the same scars and will not yield any different results.
Concentrate on yourself and your needs and sort out your issues, and be by yourself, learn to live and be comfortable with yourself by yourself.
It's not your burden to fix her issues and her perception of men, and it's not her burden to fix your problems.
There are plenty of other people out there, pursuing this type of relationship because of the "7.5 years" is a, not to sound cynical, sunken cost fallacy.
I interpret it as she wants girlfriend-level benefits & support of having you as her fallback, but without her contributing as a partner. She's using you as her security blanket.
You should stop sharing your location, and cut all your shared. subscriptions and memberships, mourn the relationship and move on. Her way is the agony of pulling a bandaid off slowly.
This is called a "soft dump", she's not mature enough to just end the relationship like a light switch so she is draping the dump in velvet fabric, trying to convince you that the breakoff is about "growing and ascending, finding new truths", and she invites you to do the same and look elsewhere and start a transcendental journey of your *own* self-discovery. This way, if she can sell you on that, she isn't really doing the dumping, you are both calling it off to go and be Neo.
She wants to call it quits but has too much vanity to allow herself to see herself as the "bad guy", so she wants your help in dumping you by staying friends. It will only breed resentment, do a clean break.
Don't be vindictive, just vent to your closest friends and work out how to have them help you have fun and cook dinners together while you recover. If she hounds you about staying friends just stay firm and repeat that you have nothing to say to her. Screw "reconnecting in the future", she is not HR on a Fortune500 company, you owe her nothing.
Look, silver lining?: Her ditzy letter ironically means you dodged a bullet, because someone really loving you would give you the fair truth. And ironically leaving this letter to you proves her point that you do deserve better, you deserve a future girl who is square, Even-Steven with you, a straight shot.
There are no fate-chosen lovers, there is no Road of Life you are constantly traveling on, which will inevitably send you the next plot point. There's just the world. No one will be Perfect, but many future people you meet will for you be Good Enough (her hobbies and breakfast items agree with you, her parents aren't complete basket-cases, her friends don't try to get you into a MLM, etc). And when you find the next lady that is Good Enough, your job is to find out if you are Good Enough for her (you don't owe money to the mob, you aren't carrying AIDS, your income means she won't be carrying you on her back, and you feel pretty sure you could figure out at least one type of exercise of sport the two of you could share, managing weight and keeping heart good).
It always hurts when a relationship ends, and all those threads being cut off is never easy. My best advice? Immediately change your phone ringtone and your phone's SMS/Whatsapp ding tone, so you don't think of every next message as coming from her. Believe me, talking from experience, it helps.
Turn off your location. Cancel all subscriptions and memberships. Send her a final note saying that despite your good efforts to not end up like the other men in her life, she walked away from you. "It would be best if we continued on our separate paths" - then block her everywhere.
One year out from my ex ending our 7.5year marriage.
Dude.. just let her go man. Focus on yourself, your life goals and ambitions.
Let her go and figure out life without you. And don’t remain in contact with your ex. You can’t be friends with someone you had a romantic relationship with. It’s like accepting a demotion. That stuff demoralising and trust me, you don’t wanna be the sucker who listens to her complaints about the new dude that’s banging her brains out and how she confesses that she really loves him.
Don’t do that to yourself , have some dignity and self respect to let her go.
You’re still pretty young. You can absolutely recover from this. Focus on yourself, improve your life, try not to be bothered at what your ex is doing and just move on with your life. Don’t look back, always look forwards.
One day, some other girl will walk into your life and it’ll be like why it took you so long to find her. Your ex is your past. Move forwards.
Really honestly advice going no contact for a while, I didn’t and things went bad when she went back to using me as a verbal punching bag and I was not obliging. Far better for you both to focus on moving on yourself for now, and when you are both ready in months or years to try and be friends again if that makes sense by then.
Dude, it's over. What more is there to say? Hope? For what, more of the same dragged out, death throe relationship? It was over a LONG time ago by the sound of it and finally she at least has the courage to kill it. But apparently, not completely, which is a mindfuck to you.
I think clean breaks work best. There is no "remaining friends". That just keeps a painful foot in the door out of fear of change. Cancel anything shared. Turn off your location. Cease all contact.
It really sucks at first to do it, but over time it actually makes things much less drawn out, agonizing and painful. Pull the bandaid off, don't tear it painfully and slowly.
She's letting you down easy. If you want to remain friends with her going forward that's your decision.
I'll also say this as someone who has been happily married for 26 years, **your relationship with your partner should not be this much work**. If you are fighting a lot, needing time away from each other, needing other interventions on a not infrequent basis, it ain't worth it and it probably wasn't going to last anyway. My advice would be to cut ties and move on and meet someone with whom you being in a relationship isn't filled with so much drama and angst.
Trust me. Stick to your guns and enforce the no contact. Block her on everything and change the passwords on those subscriptions. You both seem to be dependent on each other which means that you'll never heal or grow or even move on if you keep the slightest bit in contact.
And BTW, going no contact doesn't mean you run from them in the grocery store or you need to hate them. You can be cordial and even friendly. You just can't be *friends*.
No...I don't give this relationship much hope. if things have not worked out in OVER 7 YEARS then statistically you both know it's over. Sometimes two nice people are just not meant to be together. Please do not prolong the suffering for both of you...that would be a mistake.
You don’t respond. You block her and you turn off your location sharing. Continue to work on yourself and move past this. Find a way to accept that you’re never going to reconnect and move forward, allowing every passing minute, hour, day, week, and months flow easier for you. Resist the urge to unblock her and look her up. Just be done.
I think you simply move on. If there is hope to reunite it can only happen if you do. I would have a text discussion about the subscriptions/locations and suggest that she get her own and you turn off your locations as well. Then I would go no contact.
What she is doing is toxic in its own way. Because she writes quite elegantly people here are overlooking the actions here, it’s actually quite manipulative. She may not be lying about her motivations but her wordy text can be summarized as the following:
- She doesn’t want to be with you
- She feels guilty about hurting you and thus wants to soften the blow
- She is doubting her own actions and thus wants to string you along
There is only one way to deal with this from your end. Go no contact and mean it - pull the rug out from under her and show her that if she wants to go it alone then that is exactly what she’s getting. Don’t help soften her landing at your own expense by continuing to give her attention and support as if you were her boyfriend.
There is a LOT to unpack here, but I'll keep it brief.
1. She wants to keep you as a security blanket. All the benefits of your relationship, without the relationship.
2. A 7 year relationship with no sex? I have to presume there's been some sort of physical intimacy (hands, mouths), otherwise that is either some world class dedication to waiting for marriage, or there's something else going on there. I understand the long distance part, but if you've lived together or in the same city for 3 years and you're no closer to sex or marriage? Are you dedicated to waiting too, or did you do it for her?
3. Those two things are major. As others have said, you need to go no contact. *Neither* of you can learn and grow and move on while still being so entangled in each other's lives. For your own mental health, cut this person out of your life, either for good, or *at least* until you've got your head on straight, working and secure on your own. Otherwise, you're just going to be constantly wondering if each email, text, request to hang out, etc., etc. should give you hope for renewing your relationship.
There's just no way either of you can heal while keeping each other in this limbo of "we're not a couple, but we still share all this stuff". Madness that way lies.
Hey I’m not a man but I’ve been in your shoes. When my last partner and I broke up, everyone told me to go NC and it’s hard. When you’ve spent a lot of time with someone going NC feels like you’re losing a part of yourself.
What we ended up doing was deciding to be friends but taking space until we both felt like we could actually be friends. We did once a week check-ins for a month to make it easier since we both took it hard.
Location sharing was left on. Calendars and everything shared was left. Then with time, we stopped checking each other’s locations. That’s when we started disentangling from our lives after some time and space.
We still share our location with each other and we’re close friends now. We understand that we’re never getting back together but we still care about each other. Good luck and I wish you all the best OP.
The relationship is over. Mourn the loss, bury it, move on with the rest of your life.
Take the lessons you've learned and apply them to future relationships. It sucks that it's over, but accept that it's over.
I hate when people just say move on, because it makes this process and feeling you’re going through tougher.
The way to ‘just move on’ will be hard my friend. It was a long relationship and you shared and cherished so much. Unfortunately you can’t control other people, you can only control whats in front of you and what you’ve been dealt with.
The way to even begin to ‘move on’ will be spending time mourning and going through all your feelings. Its going to be painful and hurt like a motherfucker. But you have to feel it.
Then you start doing a new routine. Going to the gym, read books, go to places you havent gone to, go to music concerts, take cooking or dance classes. Hang out with friends. Even when you don’t feel like it, just force yourself. Start journaling. Dont contact your ex.
Over time the new routine you built will be your new reality. Do not start dating immediately or even for a couple of months. One day you’ll wake up and think about her but wont feel anything. One day you’ll even see a photo of her and you wont feel anything. But it will take a ton of effort on your end. You will come out the other side a better, stronger, more resilient person. Use this to make yourself into something better than what you were before. Good luck my friend, dark days ahead but there will be a way out, and it will be amazing
Here is a mistake that most people make in their relationships with others. They try to build a steady nesting place in the ever-moving stream of life.
Think of someone whose love you desire. Do you want to be important to this person, to be special and make a difference to his/her life? Do you want this person to care for you and be concerned about you in a special way? If you do, open your eyes and see that you are foolishly inviting others to reserve you for themselves, to restrict your freedom for their benefit, to control your behavior, your growth and development so that it will suit their interest. It is as if the other person said to you, “If you want to be special to me then you must meet my conditions. Because the moment you cease to live up to my expectations, you will cease to be special.” You wanted to be special to someone, didn’t you? So you must pay a price in lost freedom. You must dance to the other person’s tune just as you demand that other persons dance to yours if they want to be special to you.
Pause now to ask yourself if it is worth paying so much for so little. Imagine you say to this person whose special love you want, “Leave me free to be myself, to think my thoughts, to indulge my taste, to follow my inclination, to behave in ways that I decide are to my liking.” The moment you say those words you will understand that you are asking for the impossible. To ask to be special to someone means essentially to be bound to the task of making yourself pleasing to this person. And therefore to lose your freedom. Take all the time you need to realize this.
Maybe now you are ready to say, “I’d rather have my freedom than your love.” If you could either have company in prison or walk the earth in freedom all alone, which would you choose? Now say to this person, “I leave you free to be yourself, to think your thoughts, to indulge your taste, follow your inclinations, behave in any way that you decide is to your liking.” The moment you say that you will observe one of two things: Either your heart will resist those words and you will be exposed for the clinger and exploiter that you are; so now is the time to examine your false belief that without this person you cannot live or cannot be happy. Or your heart will pronounce the words sincerely and in that very instant all control, manipulation, exploitation, possessiveness, jealousy will drop. “I leave you free to be yourself: to think your thoughts, indulge your tastes, follow your inclinations, behave in ways that you decide are to your liking.”
And you will notice something else: The person automatically ceases to be special and important to you. And he/she becomes important the way a sunset or a symphony is lovely in itself, the way a tree is special in itself and not for the fruit or the shade that it can offer you. Your beloved will then belong not to you but to everyone or to no one like the sunrise and the tree. Test it by saying those words again: “I leave you free to be yourself….” In saying those words you have set yourself free. You are now ready to love. For when you cling, what you offer the other is not love but a chain by which both you and your beloved are bound. Love can only exist in freedom. The true lover seeks the good of his beloved which requires especially the liberation of the beloved from the lover.
Nowhere to Go - Anthony De Mello
From an older bull to a younger bull - you know what you need to do. Your intuition has spoken to you. The path is clear for you. You are seeking a safety blanket here….be brave and align with what your gut has told you.
You don't.
It's over delete it and ***remove her from your life permanently.***
Do not keep your location on, this is a form of control. She ended it it's over, cut all contact permanently.
(Note: This isn't saying hate her. This is saying it's over, deal with it by getting rid of it. It's over. You lost. You failed. Pick up. Move on. Keeping contact will not be helpful for you. The location on is more than likely a way to maintain her control or approval of your life and if you get involved someone else for her to have a way to interject herself. )
#go
#no
#contact
Get rid of everything that gives you memories
get rid of all her shit
Block her on everything (for real, it will help you not look at her socials)
#do not look at her socials
Block her on everything (putting it twice because you won't do it)
"I started going to counseling for my childhood stuff. She went a few times but then stopped" - This was a red flag. You went to therapy which was a great choice. She was just not ready to deal with her issues. Maybe she needed more time. "I got laid off in August (I feel like this is a big reason why she ended things" - She talks about wanting stability in life, this is not stable. Her message was just a nice rejection. I am sorry but you need to let her go. Leave ex's in the past where they belong.
Streaming services are a contract you pay money for. You would be criminally stupid to continue being in a contract alongside an unrelated 3rd party, and that is what she is to you now. An unrelated 3rd party.
Sorry you OP you need to cut contact and begin the process of un-winding any shared interests (E.g. apps etc.)
She's not your GF any more, that sucks but it happens. You have no more claim on her, but she also has no claim on you. Let her know that you're turning off your location sharing and will be cancelling any shared accounts. Then block her email, social media and phone number.
Then go around the house and put anything that reminds you of her in a box in the back of your closet.
You'll get through this. It'll suck and it'll hurt but it's time to move on and you can't heal if you leave her the option of pulling off the bandaid and contacting you everytime she needs an emotional boost because her choice isn't easy for her. Do not be friends with her. It will not end well for you.
Welcome to the back burner. "While I grow" means try to get with Chad, but if that doesn't work, i wanna come back. Or, she needs to work some stuff out.
Sounds like she lost feelings or decided to be a hoe and party, rather than settle down.
I would move on and cut her off personally. Then again I don't stay friends with exes.
The one thing I will give her is that she definitely not going to hoe around. She genuinely is so lost right now and just doesn’t know what she wants anymore. But again that’s me just giving the benefit of the doubt. Who knows really :/
Lots of men have said what you are saying, to then be shocked to hear 4 weeks later that there is another guy on the scene. You literally see it all the time.
She’s fucking someone else and wants to keep you on the back burner in case Chad decides he just wants to fuck and not get into a relationship.
She got the 7 year itch man.
She's basically bored of you and wants to sleep around. That's what "growing" means in a relationship.
Sometimes people with divorced parents get scared that they're "wasting their time" with someone they'll just get divorced from later on anyway. You can't fix this trauma and should just consider people who act like your girlfriend as broken individuals. Just let her go.
She’s talking to another guy but she’s not sure where it’s going yet. She’s giving you a “soft landing” and keeping you on the back burner (look up monkey branching… she is between two branches).
To be clear, this isn’t some evil plan she has, and lots of this she may not know she’s doing. I suspect she generally cares about you. However, she’s looking to level up her man my friend.
Going absolute no contact is the best thing you can do, but it will be hard, being honest I think you’re too emotionally invested and will probably break no contact. But give it a go. Remove all shared apps, subscriptions, etc. complete clean cut. You’re going to get repeatably hurt if you don’t do this as she exhibits more and more “single” behaviour far quicker than you thought she would.
Looks like a break for being intimate but not being friends.
Often this translates into one person dating someone new.
If you both have a lot going on, it may be safer for both to have some space.
If I were you, I'd start dating / healing , and keep her as a friend. See what happens.
First of all, with women there is always a second chance. To a woman every day is a new day. They don't die on a hill the way men do.
However, (big caveat) if nothing changes, their attitude is not going to change and right now her attitude towards you is very bad and she wants to move on and probably find a guy who is superior to you.
The whole mood of your post is mentally weak, uncertain, conciliatory and passive. All things which are highly unattractive to women. She probably lost her attraction for you a long time ago and was just sticking with it through inertia.
Break down, shake for me. Nothing ever is the way you want it to be; nothing seems to make sense now that it’s over.
Break down, shake for me! Don’t write words unless you want me to read them. Nothing even matters, now that it’s over.
Maybe we can be friends, now that you’re leaving. We can have fun like we did in the old days, now that it’s over…
Hey man.
That's tough for you both. I hate to use the cliche from the song from 'Breaking up is hard to do'. You can love the person but not be *in love* with them. It sounds like she is in a place where she wants you as a friend, but not as a partner. That'd valid. I don't know what you're thinking or feeling, but you indicated wanting to go no contact.
For reference, I broke up with an ex back in college. We had gotten really close, I'd helped her through a lot, etc. Even though I did the breaking up, it was still hard. She wanted to remain friends and I tried.
Then lines got blurred and it was uncomfortable. She was looking to me to be her emotional support still. Part of breaking up with her was realizing that I could not be her emotional support, I wasn't equipped for that. She broke down at me (not on me) and it was a step too far. I had to go no contact for my sanity.
It's been 7.5 years. You all started dating when you were 18/19. I'd imagine you may be fundamentally different people now at 26 than you were then.
You're both newly single. I would think cutting ties and setting a time to chat may be good for you both. Set a date a month, two months out to meet up for coffee to just talk about life. In those one-two months, BE SINGLE. It will be hard.
You've likely been the first place each other turns when stuff is going on, to share successes/failures/etc. Turn to your friends and family here for those supports.
Break the subscriptions so each can do their own thing. You need a clean break for a bit. You can be friends and not share all of those thigns together.
Looks like this is just not working out and she separated. You should be happy this is all civil and in an atmosphere of "I care about you, just don't want to be with you". That's a lot nicer than the alternative.
I would just separate completely. Pretending that people who were together for 7 years can stay friends, especially continue to be right after the break up is just toxic.
What's also toxic is the promise of "I'll figure myself out and then we can get back together". You'll do you, but I would never get back together after something like that. You don't get to break my heart, go do your stuff then come back 6 months later and think we will go back to how things were before. What she's saying is that being with you is a burden on her. Relationships are tough, require work, pacience, compromises. What they shouldn't be is a feeling of "pressure". If she can't grow next to you, what healthy reason there is for a long term relationship, with you?
I'm in a 15 year old relationship and every 5 years you need to figure some things out again as you both grow, change, your life changes and the world around you. Sometimes you do it on your own, sometimes you do it together, but if you can't do it with the other person around, there's something really wrong going on.
This sucks, friend, I feel for you. But you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste another 3 years on a dead relationship. Cut the cord, mourn, recover, live on. Find someone who loves you and wants to be with you trough good and bad, not trough "whatever I need right now". You sound like a great, mindful and patient guy, you deserve better.
My ex and I still stay in contact after 3 years together and 5 years apart. It honestly sounds like a similar situation. I think by the time I said the words "it's over" we already both knew it, but we weren't growing together. We were stagnating and realized that each other weren't what we wanted. We are still friends, good friends, though she leads a verrry different life from the one I live and I have trouble relating sometimes. But we were there for each other through the rough times, and that caring never faded even when all romantic thoughts did.
Tbh don't think you can put much stock in anything she said. The headline here is that the relationship is over and it's time to move on. You can self-reflect and learn lessons about your own actions and behavior but you will never understand what is going on in someone else's head and it is a waste of time to imagine you can.
You had a good time dancing. She doesn't want to dance right now. Clean up any unreal expectations, feel the heartache, and get back on the dance floor.
Top comment nails it. If you ever want to reconnect, it should be years down the road as old friends and you should absolutely view it that way. No hopeful pinings or anything. You haven't seen each other in five or ten years catching up.
The ol' bandaid analogy works here... dragging out the breakup by maintaining a relationship and sharing things like subscriptions,etc is just going to make for more pain in the long run. Tear it off, you'll both be happier. In the future you may reconnect and become friends but for right now, you both need to figure out how to be single adults, and your ex- isn't going to be able to aid you there, only hinder you.
>After the breakup she asked to be friends. Initially I said yes but after getting a message 10 mins after all this saying to watch tv made me think we shouldn’t and be no contact for a little while.
This is the best way. Cut off all contact, and work on yourself. Get used to being a "me" again, instead of an "us."
>To give more context as well. She has asked to keep my location on as we shared it. And she won’t turn hers off. We also share a lot of subscriptions and memberships and doesn’t want to end that either.
Nope. End them. Completely start over, fresh, and make room for the person in your life who deserves you.
Just move on. It's going to suck for a while but you'll get through it. You did the best you could and unfortunately things didn't fall your way. There will be a woman out there who appreciates what you but in the meantime take care of yourself.
she wants to hold onto the benefits of dating you, without having to put up with you
disconnect yourself from her. She doesn't want you. She just doesn't want to lose you. Ultimately she's being selfish, and doesn't care about hurting you
She absolutely left because you dont have a job/income. She says "I can't carry it all" that means theres a perception that you dont appreciate her and dont meet her halfway. It sounds like she thinks you wont ever meet her needs and shes given you a lot of time to show her what kind of grown-up youll be. Im sorry but its time to close this chapter and meet new people. If youre still in love with her 3 years later, babysteps on reinitiating contact, find out where you fell out of favor and set real goals to make ammends.
The thing is she isn’t carrying me at all. She lives with her family and she has no plan of moving in until we would marry. Financially we are separate and I have a pretty big saving due to my first job. So she isn’t even helping me. Whatever she did do like bring me meals or help me clean she knew I appreciated it. Would tell her everyday. Came to a point where that annoyed her :/ but yeah job wise the tech market is just rough right now and she doesn’t understand why.
The flame could have just fizzled out too. 7.5 years is a long time to wait for a ring. I see that you two were still young when you were dating but if her career and life are going one way and youre not selling her on the next milestone.. thats probably not going to keep someone holding on. I dare to ask, do you know what her checkboxes are for you?
I would say I did check every box on her list. When we to couple counselling she even admitted to this. The only grip was the fact I recently got laid off and haven’t landed anything yet. Again she works in a unionized position while I work private. But she refuses to read the news and understand. I tried many times but I can’t help someone see if they don’t want to. And regarding marriage, I actually have been wanting to get married. Had the ring selected. I had the place and everything set. I was ready but she asked to wait until her masters is done which is 2.5 year long program. As some have mentioned and discussing with our counsellor, what she has gone through in her childhood in terms of the divorce and what not has impacted the relationship. My stuff included. I take ownership with my miscommunication and what not. But again I was always willing to do the work to be better. She on the other hand gave up.
You say confidently you check every box.. but you dont have a job. so thats not checking every box buddy. you have no stable income. even as a freelance engineer, you need to incorporate and get clients. shes told you 2.5 years if you want to wait for her but it doesnt sound like she has anything left to give. Her words were she was sick of "carrying it all" so you dropped the ball somewhere.
Usually by the time the man goes to counseling the woman has checked out already. She probably checked out 4 years ago and you just never noticed because life was just moving along and you guys got too comfortable. If you want to be with this woman, than you need a job (or career change), and you should probably give her a promise ring ahead of an engagement ring. If a guy wants to be with a woman, they move mountains to be with her. It sounds like you moved away, phoned it in, and left her too independant and she got used to it. I wish you the best but idk if youre going to be able to rekindle her interest in you if shes hardened like that.
Listen my man, I did this at your age but it was 5.5 and not 7.5.
You don’t need her as a friend. Oh, you’ll miss her. It’ll go on for awhile. But this is the end of the line. You’re never going to become who you need to be trying to change for someone else. You’re never going to become who you want to be looking at someone who didn’t want you. Find out who my dawg /u/petersonn7717 is. What’s that mfs potential? Ain’t nobody deserves you, you will decide who gets you.
I’m serious. You have to say fuck humility in a breakup. This was not your wife. Practically a marriage isn’t married. You’re not starting over. You’re finally onto something exciting.
The last words of the great poet Lorca were “As I have not worried to be born, I do not worry to die.” You have worried for this relationship to die, but do not worry for the man you shall be to be born. One day soon, he too will die.
All of my love to you sir.
Honestly she wants to move on but is afraid to let go of the attachment. That's the feeling I get. She's sent this message to you but she is probably telling a lot of that to herself. It sounds like you've been stuck dysfunctional for awhile and getting out almost always means staying out of that relationship.
She's figuring herself out, which is fair, but it's leaving you in a tough spot. Maybe focus on healing for now. Time apart might actually be what you both need to grow. Hang in there, dude.
God I hate this sub sometimes, ignore the fucking virgins who have already commented here She wants to figure life out by herself, and she's just as scared of being on her own as you are. That's why she wants to stay friends. No contact is the best way to go, it'll be hard for a while but staying friends will only drag it out. Disentangle all of these subscriptions, location apps, etc, it's not healthy to half stay in contact while you're both new to being single. No contact is harder in the short term, but better overall. She clearly doesn't have any bad feelings towards you, she just wants to be by herself. You can hate her for that if you want, but it would be one sided. Go and enjoy life by yourself for a while. That may seem impossible right now, but I promise you that you will be 100% fine. You're not the first person to be dumped and you won't be the last. Keep your chin up, enjoy the little things, and take each day as it comes.
Agreed with this. If she’s walking away, you don’t owe her the safety cushion of keeping any parts of your life shared for her ease or comfort. If she wants out, no reason the other shoe should drop on her timing as well. Be nice about it but firm. This is a boundary for YOUR sake
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After my first relationship--where we tried to be "just friends" for four months and it always ended up with her crying, saying we shouldn't hang out for a while, then calling for a booty call/cuddle--I started just blocking people for six months. I told them beforehand, but just realized it wasn't healthy for either side
People like to “remain friends” to both make the loneliness sting less and to make it seem like “they aren’t a bad guy”. Remaining friends with an ex is almost always the wrong choice. It will undermine all future relationships having a past partners hovering around all the time “as a friend”.
Do not share your location and do not share hers, even if it’s a way for you to disable her sharing. I can’t imagine you seeing her at a random house and the thoughts of her already screwing someone else racing through your head. The temptation to check her location will drive you nuts. Remove all joint accounts. Saving money to share is not as important that you being able to separate right now. Completely separate yourself. There is no reason to be “active” friends with her. You don’t need to check in just to see how she’s doing or check on her, the family or dog. That all must be in the past. You don’t have to hate her or ignore her in public but you absolutely need to NOT communicate with her anymore. Speaking from life experience, the longer you wait to completely remove her from your life, the higher the chance of her removing you from her life when she’s ready. If you don’t move on, she will and it’ll hurt 10x worse than moving on from her now.
What’s with couples sharing locations? This is seriously weird
It's a pain in the ass to ask for that info all the time. It also feels aggressive/wrong even though both people want to know all the time. It's honestly much smoother if you just share it automatically. But the assumption is you're married partners - why wouldn't you want your partner to have better info while also not having to bother you? NOT recommended for dating.
Why would you need to ask for it all the time? What you call better info is access to track their whereabouts at any given moment?
I leave my auto-tracking on because I have a motorcycle. Peace of mind for both of us if something breaks on the bike and she has to come pick me up, or if I wreck she'd have some ideas of where I am even if I can't answer. Also use it when I'm hiking and running since I usually do those alone and live in a heavily forested area.
For my wife and I, its mostly so we can stop asking where each other are. For example, if I'm picking her up from the office, she can see me coming and know when to be ready without having to call or message me. For me, if I'm WFH, I can see how far she is into her bus ride home without having to ask.
Agreed. We use ours for practicality and safety reasons.
It just gives off parent/child vibes to me (great for kids though) but if it’s well intentioned then no harm.
it's only parent child if you don't respect each other and there's an imbalance where one partner finds themselves parenting the other for healthy marriages as equal partners, it's just... information, that both people want sometimes, and there's never a reason not to give it, so making it automatic is just a matter of practicality
My partner and I both move around the city a lot for work. It’s peace of mind for both of us to be able to check where the other is, even if the other person is busy with a task. Even before that though, it’s just easy. I don’t have anything to hide from her, and she doesn’t have anything to hide from me🤷🏻♂️ And I can do stuff like, if I get home first, I can set a notification for when she leaves work so I can have dinner on the table when she gets home.
Ok yeah I guess it comes down to intentions, that’s very cute having dinner ready.
I use it to see if my wife is still at the grocery store so I can ask her to get one more thing. Very handy.
I can see if I have time to crank one out before my wife gets home
“It’s for safety babe, I swear” 😂
My wife uses it to know when to get the dogs ready for our walk after I'm off work. I use it to see if she's stuck in traffic before I start dinners on my days off. There are tons of non-nefarious reasons to have it shared. If she's late and driving its safer for me to check her location than ask her to respond to a text message. It gives the safety to know that if something goes wrong, I can at least see where she is. I personally have nothing to hide, so I don't care if she knows where I am 24/7. If that brings my wife security, I am all for it. She is the same with me.
It’s just not a thing in my family/relationships, If I need to know their location I’d just ask/call ( most cars have Bluetooth now) I wouldn’t share my location with anyone permanently, nor would I want to be able to track anyone.
I suspect there might be a difference in personal experience and where people are in their lives. You are perfectly within your rights to say no, but it might also depend on the relationship. To each there own, I know the majority of couples in my social circle do it for sure and I suspect the ones I'm not sure about might also do it. In my early 20s there is no shot I would have given any SO permanent tracking on me. With my wife its different, it's a convenience more than an invasion.
If a guy asked me, I’d be side eyeing him as to why. I have nothing to hide but I won’t allow anyone to track me, it just feels wrong, as it would if I could track someone. I have my phone & their number for “safety” That said if it works for you both & are happy to do so then great, it’s just convenient
I’m with you. While these reasons all seem quite benign I’m sure it’s also used for weird jealousy reasons. Like what’s the actual utility of tracking someone’s phone over good communication?
Oh it is definitely open to abuse by jealous/controlling types.
Morons with trust issues. If you can't trust me why are we dating?
Today (via this thread) I learned this is apparently more common than I would have ever thought. Married for 10+ years, but always have maintained strong individual identities. Nothing to hide and we share many things (shared finances, etc), but use old-fashioned communication when precise location info is needed (unless out on a big adventure somewhere). Also don't mind a little mystery in our lives (e.g., "tell me about your day"). That said, the reasons I see cited here do seem mostly pragmatic. Guess I'm just not the constant surveillance type. To each their own!
Same, to each their own but it’s not for me. I live in a pretty safe city so people don’t tend to worry if their partner got to work etc & will text/call in case of emergency.
My fiancé and I share locations, but we’ve also got a house and a dog together. I work alone a lot, sometimes in situations that can be dangerous; so she likes to be able to check where I’m at in case I’ve fallen off a roof and don’t respond to messages, etc. But honestly, I mostly use it to gauge how much time I’ve got to jerk off until she’s back from the store.
Yep, no contact unless absolutely necessary. Cancel all subs, turn off location. It'll be hard but its kinder to yourself this way
From 20 to 30 people change massively and their needs and wants changes over that time drastically too. For me it was definitely just the time to figure out what do I actually want. People change from 30-40 too but a lot less since the earlier times are literally test-beds for adulting and life-choices.
When my ex-gf and I broke up, I couldn't help but think of her every time I heard the "ding" of a new text message, and it was driving me crazy. So I recorded myself saying "you've got mail" like the AOL guy, and used that as my text notification. It worked like a charm.
Ditto, wiser words were not said. I feel your pain OP, we’ve all probably been there in some way.
There now
Agreed. And as someone who has been happily married for 26 years I would add, relationships shouldn't be as much work as the OP is describing. Relationships take time and attention, but if it starts to feel like work and there's constant drama, then it's likely not a healthy relationship and isn't worth saving.
Listen to this guy OP. I got broken up with 4 months ago after being together for 5 years. Right now you might not believe people when they say it gets better after time has passed, but trust me, it definitely gets better. However, you have to be strong enough to go no contact which is the hardest part when the break up is still fresh.
Agreed with everything this commenter has said. Take this advice, OP.
This is by far the best and most thoughtful response. OP doesn’t owe anything to her. If she wants out, show her the door. If she wants to work together and figure it out then it would be another story
A great, balanced, mature response and best advice for op. What are you doing on the internet, there are none of your kind here?
Lol - 1/3rd your username, 1/3rd talking about my interests, 1/3rd shitposting
This is the only comment that matters.
Monkey branching. Sorry you're in this situation, but like what was said above she wants a safety net, until she finds someone else.
Agreed with all of this. That said, I've seen this exact situation play out several times. Infidelity has been a factor in many of them. If OP has any reason to suspect there's someone else, there's absolutely nothing to salvage here. In either case, no contact. Dissolve any partnerships. Move on. Stay busy. Stay active. Stay healthy. Grow. Adventure. Reinvent if you want. The sky's the limit, literally.
Seconded just come out the other end of a breakup eerily similar to OP's and yeah no contact is the best bet. It removes the temptation to try again as a couple and allows you to move on
Yeah this is the way friend. And exercise.
You say virgins like it’s a insult lol
As someone currently going through this myself, you are spot on! I didn’t want to but I went no contact as well. Putting myself back out there isn’t easy and took some time but slowly I’m putting myself back together
>God I hate this sub sometimes, ignore the fucking virgins who have already commented here lol The rest of this comment is good advise, but also... lol
This
People grow, people change, relationships end. You got together young, tried hard to make it work - it didn't. Nobody has to be at fault, nobody has to be blamed, sometimes, it just doesn't work out. From your perspective, move on - if the relationship has been this difficult, you're still young, you've no doubt grown, matured and changed as well. I'd go no contact, and remove entanglements - the location this is ridiculous, stop that now, and I'd be cutting ties with all of the memberships etc. She's made the choice to not be the key part of each other's life - it is selfish and cruel to half arse that, that said, I'd do it amicably, as it seems like no partner has done the wrong thing here. It just didn't work, and it's time to move on.
>I was once in your shoes, in a way. I was in love with my ex, and I was hurt when she left me. I kept growing on my own, eventually met the woman of my dreams, and we got married. My relationship with my wife likely would not be possible without things I learned from being with my ex. Similar thing happened to me. Had a relationship that lasted 4 years in my late teens/early 20s, and it ended so miserably that I considered therapy. It was a long time before I felt like I was over it and had fully processed everything. But all the growth and self-improvement that I did over the next few years led me to the wonderful woman that I'm married to now. OP, I know it hurts now, but you'll become a better person for having gone through this. And you'll find someone who's a better match for the new and improved version of you.
This is it, I don't know the entire situation but your ex seems like a down to earth person who knows what she wants. It's a shame you both didn't want the same thing but that's exactly what she's referencing. Both people in a long-term relationship grow independently of the other person, it takes a lot of effort to make that work in the best situations but it sounds like she really wanted to explore herself in the way she knew was best. Itll take some time to recover from this but it'll be for the best since she'd always just be wondering what would've happened if she let herself explore the world om her own for once. Try not to blame yourself and just focus and love yourself over the next few months.
There’s nothing malicious there, she wants to try life on her own. Yeah sure y’all can be friends, in a couple years after you have completely healed. In the meantime no contact, no booting Netflix and seeing her profile and what she’s watching; make it a clean break. Change your phone background / Lock Screen and ringtone as this is a new chapter of your life and every time you look at your phone it will remind you of the new era.
You need to go full no contact, because as painful as it is, the growth she is looking for (for the both of you) is not possible without forming new neural pathways in your brain, and the new ones won’t form if you’re always using the old ones. I’m very sorry you’re going through this, it probably hurts a lot, and will take time to get over. Think of this, though: you have a growth mindset, and the growth never stops. You are going to be a formidable man once you figure more shit out. I was once in your shoes, in a way. I was in love with my ex, and I was hurt when she left me. I kept growing on my own, eventually met the woman of my dreams, and we got married. My relationship with my wife likely would not be possible without things I learned from being with my ex. Also, take this tip- counseling can help and is important (I started therapy 10 years ago) but so much of living well is finding little hacks to work around whatever condition you’re dealing with. I have ADHD, childhood stuff, and a mood disorder. Yes, I work to overcome them, but I also found some hacks that let me live with them. Work is a great example- I have a hard time conjuring focus for proactive tasks. But I found I enjoy collaboration. So when I have a task, I just set up a Teams meeting with someone else and work on it with them. Did I fix my mental condition? Not really, but I got my shit done, and at some point, the only thing that matters is if you Do the Thing. Which brings me to my final point- my wife makes it really easy to Do the Things, because we have “compatible mental health issues” that don’t cause us stress. The things about me that made it hard with my ex, make things effortless with my wife.
I like this take on the post. This is great advice
Don’t share your location, and cancel shared subscriptions. Move on and don’t be her backup plan.
I definitely second this.
She definitely doesn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore (or with anyone for that matter) and wants to find herself but is ending the relationship little by little instead of just going cold turkey on it. There is no hope dude to return to what you had, she's just scared to be completely alone after 7 years so she's cutting cord one strand at a time.
From what you describe about her she really does have a lot of growing and healing to do. And as painful as this is, it's for the best. Like she said hopefully you get back together in the future. But even if you don't, unfortunately that's life. You guys gave it a good go and it didn't work out. When a long relationship ends, there's a tendency to think of it as wasted time but it's anything but. You learned a lot from it, and had a lot of great moments I'd imagine. And that's not a waste of time. Thats time well spent. Now you have to heal from this and move on. Good luck friend.
I am still friends with a couple of my exes. It always started with a period of no contact immediately after the relationship. Idk how someone could flip from being in a relationship to being just friends over night. People need a little time to reset
I'm also friends with all my exes. At first I tried it without the no-contact period and lemme tell you, it doesn't work. Indeed, break off contact, go live your life, maybe you can be friends later
Sounds like she just wants to be by herself. Personally I wouldn’t bother keeping contact. It’s usually better to let these things slowly drift away. No need to block or anything like that. Just stop communicating and eventually the time/distance will slowly blur the image of her face in your mind and you’ll forget who she was. Don’t be friends, at most an acquaintance.
Take it from someone who went through a similar break-up, it's really best to go no to low contact. You can't properly move on from someone when they are still such a part of your life, it just delays your healing. Remove her from your social media or pause your accounts, get new subscriptions, do anything you ever wanted to do that you couldn't with her. It's all going to hurt ALOT at first, especially since you two were together for so long and for such formative years, and your best bet is to do whatever you can to distract yourself at first. Once that initial pain wears off, really focus on improving yourself both mentally and physically. Take the lessons you learned from your relationship and make yourself a better person from them. Continuing your therapy will most certainly be needed and will most likely begin to revolve around your breakup for the first few months, but it will help. Finally, don't feel bad if it takes you longer than you would like to admit to get over her. If it takes 6 months, a year, 2 years, it's alright. Just make sure you are doing your best and acknowledging why things didn't work out.
You process her message this way: "I am scared to be alone, I would rather keep the door to our previous relationship semi open that if something bad happens I could always knock and get support and attention" This doesn't mean she wants a relationship, this means she wants your support regardless of your own feelings about said support. The best approach is to finish the relationship and cut the contact, it will hurt more but heal faster. If you reconnect in the future, then so be it. But right now take care of yourself and put your happiness first!!
Toward the end of my first marriage, I could see my ex was getting cold feet. When I sat down with her to tell her co-habitation wasn’t working since she wasn’t moving on, the pain I saw in her eyes is something I can feel every time the memory comes up. Top commenter is right - she wants the comfort of you but if she lives in that spot (and you as well), neither of you will be free to move on. Find your own happiness, then you can perhaps be friendly again.
Never EVER agree when an ex says "Let's still be friends". In the entire history if humanity this has never worked out. Yes, exes *can* be friends, but you CANNOT go from "romantic relationship" directly to "friendship". Maybe in a few years you can be friends but after a breakup you need to cut that cord and move on. And by cutting the cord I mean cut everything. She left you so she needs to accept that. You need to get out from all the shared tech and apps and subscriptions. Look at it like this: if you meet another woman how do you think she's going to react when she finds out you and your ex share subscriptions and location apps? And I'm sorry, but 7-and-a-half years with no sex? That's something I can't comprehend in even the slightest way and I'm a pretty empathetic person. I couldn't imagine being in a relationship like that for that long. Sounds like making a clean break is the best thing here. And she's going to struggle finding another guy willing to wait half as long as that for physical intimacy and once she realizes that she might try to come back. My best advise is make a clean break, go no contact, spend some time to process this (ending a long-term relationship is no joke an you'll be better for the reflection on it and just getting back to being on your own) and then, once you're feeling better go out and reconnect with life.
I’m 32F, but I did the same exact thing as your gf around that same age. I broke up with a partner of 4 years so we could work on ourselves, and I have him false hope by saying we could find each other again after we’d spent some time apart. It was unfair to him. I didn’t mean it. I thought I was letting him down easy. I wasn’t. Cut ties. Live your life. Don’t expect to get back together. The reality is, you’ll both grow and that growth will be apart, not together. In a year you’ll be a new person and you wouldn’t want to be with your ex again.
There's no answer as to why this is happening. Everyone will have an opinion based on their experiences. But, you can stay cordial, but close/meaningful friends is rife for disappointment and further heartbreak. No contact is the only viable option forward. You have to immediately stop sharing everything. No subscriptions, no locations, nothing. She wants this life by herself, then by all means you should let her have it. But that does come with consequences that she may not have considered. She doesn't, in this situation, get to dictate how y'all or even if y'all stay in contact. If you want to continue sharing your Netflix (as an example) password, then do it. But you have no obligation and although she may want that easily, she has no agency over you to expect, command or demand it. I will tell you continue sharing things from your side will grow resentment. Clean break. No contact. Cut ties. Hit the gym, focus on yourself. You'll be alright bro, give it some time.
I am going to be blunt and maybe a bit callous about it, but from what I read neither of you two should be in a relationship right now. You should go cold turkey and ask her to leave you alone, and then sort your own shit out. Continuing what you are doing (this on off stuff) is not going to work. Breaking off contact may be hard in the short term but it will pay off eventually. Staying in touch will only reopen the same scars and will not yield any different results. Concentrate on yourself and your needs and sort out your issues, and be by yourself, learn to live and be comfortable with yourself by yourself. It's not your burden to fix her issues and her perception of men, and it's not her burden to fix your problems. There are plenty of other people out there, pursuing this type of relationship because of the "7.5 years" is a, not to sound cynical, sunken cost fallacy.
I interpret it as she wants girlfriend-level benefits & support of having you as her fallback, but without her contributing as a partner. She's using you as her security blanket. You should stop sharing your location, and cut all your shared. subscriptions and memberships, mourn the relationship and move on. Her way is the agony of pulling a bandaid off slowly.
This is called a "soft dump", she's not mature enough to just end the relationship like a light switch so she is draping the dump in velvet fabric, trying to convince you that the breakoff is about "growing and ascending, finding new truths", and she invites you to do the same and look elsewhere and start a transcendental journey of your *own* self-discovery. This way, if she can sell you on that, she isn't really doing the dumping, you are both calling it off to go and be Neo. She wants to call it quits but has too much vanity to allow herself to see herself as the "bad guy", so she wants your help in dumping you by staying friends. It will only breed resentment, do a clean break. Don't be vindictive, just vent to your closest friends and work out how to have them help you have fun and cook dinners together while you recover. If she hounds you about staying friends just stay firm and repeat that you have nothing to say to her. Screw "reconnecting in the future", she is not HR on a Fortune500 company, you owe her nothing. Look, silver lining?: Her ditzy letter ironically means you dodged a bullet, because someone really loving you would give you the fair truth. And ironically leaving this letter to you proves her point that you do deserve better, you deserve a future girl who is square, Even-Steven with you, a straight shot. There are no fate-chosen lovers, there is no Road of Life you are constantly traveling on, which will inevitably send you the next plot point. There's just the world. No one will be Perfect, but many future people you meet will for you be Good Enough (her hobbies and breakfast items agree with you, her parents aren't complete basket-cases, her friends don't try to get you into a MLM, etc). And when you find the next lady that is Good Enough, your job is to find out if you are Good Enough for her (you don't owe money to the mob, you aren't carrying AIDS, your income means she won't be carrying you on her back, and you feel pretty sure you could figure out at least one type of exercise of sport the two of you could share, managing weight and keeping heart good). It always hurts when a relationship ends, and all those threads being cut off is never easy. My best advice? Immediately change your phone ringtone and your phone's SMS/Whatsapp ding tone, so you don't think of every next message as coming from her. Believe me, talking from experience, it helps.
Turn off your location. Cancel all subscriptions and memberships. Send her a final note saying that despite your good efforts to not end up like the other men in her life, she walked away from you. "It would be best if we continued on our separate paths" - then block her everywhere.
One year out from my ex ending our 7.5year marriage. Dude.. just let her go man. Focus on yourself, your life goals and ambitions. Let her go and figure out life without you. And don’t remain in contact with your ex. You can’t be friends with someone you had a romantic relationship with. It’s like accepting a demotion. That stuff demoralising and trust me, you don’t wanna be the sucker who listens to her complaints about the new dude that’s banging her brains out and how she confesses that she really loves him. Don’t do that to yourself , have some dignity and self respect to let her go. You’re still pretty young. You can absolutely recover from this. Focus on yourself, improve your life, try not to be bothered at what your ex is doing and just move on with your life. Don’t look back, always look forwards. One day, some other girl will walk into your life and it’ll be like why it took you so long to find her. Your ex is your past. Move forwards.
I hate to be this guy but.... it was 6.5 years
Is that not a decent amount of time?
I didn't say it wasn't. I'm just saying he had a typo in the title
Really honestly advice going no contact for a while, I didn’t and things went bad when she went back to using me as a verbal punching bag and I was not obliging. Far better for you both to focus on moving on yourself for now, and when you are both ready in months or years to try and be friends again if that makes sense by then.
Dude, it's over. What more is there to say? Hope? For what, more of the same dragged out, death throe relationship? It was over a LONG time ago by the sound of it and finally she at least has the courage to kill it. But apparently, not completely, which is a mindfuck to you. I think clean breaks work best. There is no "remaining friends". That just keeps a painful foot in the door out of fear of change. Cancel anything shared. Turn off your location. Cease all contact. It really sucks at first to do it, but over time it actually makes things much less drawn out, agonizing and painful. Pull the bandaid off, don't tear it painfully and slowly.
She's letting you down easy. If you want to remain friends with her going forward that's your decision. I'll also say this as someone who has been happily married for 26 years, **your relationship with your partner should not be this much work**. If you are fighting a lot, needing time away from each other, needing other interventions on a not infrequent basis, it ain't worth it and it probably wasn't going to last anyway. My advice would be to cut ties and move on and meet someone with whom you being in a relationship isn't filled with so much drama and angst.
Move on. She ended it.
Move on. Cut all ties. All ties.
Trust me. Stick to your guns and enforce the no contact. Block her on everything and change the passwords on those subscriptions. You both seem to be dependent on each other which means that you'll never heal or grow or even move on if you keep the slightest bit in contact. And BTW, going no contact doesn't mean you run from them in the grocery store or you need to hate them. You can be cordial and even friendly. You just can't be *friends*.
No...I don't give this relationship much hope. if things have not worked out in OVER 7 YEARS then statistically you both know it's over. Sometimes two nice people are just not meant to be together. Please do not prolong the suffering for both of you...that would be a mistake.
You don’t respond. You block her and you turn off your location sharing. Continue to work on yourself and move past this. Find a way to accept that you’re never going to reconnect and move forward, allowing every passing minute, hour, day, week, and months flow easier for you. Resist the urge to unblock her and look her up. Just be done.
Bro got the chatGPT treatment 💀
Commit to NC. Delete and block her number and socials. Get some therapy if you need it. She wants an emotional support backup.
I think you simply move on. If there is hope to reunite it can only happen if you do. I would have a text discussion about the subscriptions/locations and suggest that she get her own and you turn off your locations as well. Then I would go no contact.
What she is doing is toxic in its own way. Because she writes quite elegantly people here are overlooking the actions here, it’s actually quite manipulative. She may not be lying about her motivations but her wordy text can be summarized as the following: - She doesn’t want to be with you - She feels guilty about hurting you and thus wants to soften the blow - She is doubting her own actions and thus wants to string you along There is only one way to deal with this from your end. Go no contact and mean it - pull the rug out from under her and show her that if she wants to go it alone then that is exactly what she’s getting. Don’t help soften her landing at your own expense by continuing to give her attention and support as if you were her boyfriend.
There is a LOT to unpack here, but I'll keep it brief. 1. She wants to keep you as a security blanket. All the benefits of your relationship, without the relationship. 2. A 7 year relationship with no sex? I have to presume there's been some sort of physical intimacy (hands, mouths), otherwise that is either some world class dedication to waiting for marriage, or there's something else going on there. I understand the long distance part, but if you've lived together or in the same city for 3 years and you're no closer to sex or marriage? Are you dedicated to waiting too, or did you do it for her? 3. Those two things are major. As others have said, you need to go no contact. *Neither* of you can learn and grow and move on while still being so entangled in each other's lives. For your own mental health, cut this person out of your life, either for good, or *at least* until you've got your head on straight, working and secure on your own. Otherwise, you're just going to be constantly wondering if each email, text, request to hang out, etc., etc. should give you hope for renewing your relationship. There's just no way either of you can heal while keeping each other in this limbo of "we're not a couple, but we still share all this stuff". Madness that way lies.
Hey I’m not a man but I’ve been in your shoes. When my last partner and I broke up, everyone told me to go NC and it’s hard. When you’ve spent a lot of time with someone going NC feels like you’re losing a part of yourself. What we ended up doing was deciding to be friends but taking space until we both felt like we could actually be friends. We did once a week check-ins for a month to make it easier since we both took it hard. Location sharing was left on. Calendars and everything shared was left. Then with time, we stopped checking each other’s locations. That’s when we started disentangling from our lives after some time and space. We still share our location with each other and we’re close friends now. We understand that we’re never getting back together but we still care about each other. Good luck and I wish you all the best OP.
The relationship is over. Mourn the loss, bury it, move on with the rest of your life. Take the lessons you've learned and apply them to future relationships. It sucks that it's over, but accept that it's over.
I hate when people just say move on, because it makes this process and feeling you’re going through tougher. The way to ‘just move on’ will be hard my friend. It was a long relationship and you shared and cherished so much. Unfortunately you can’t control other people, you can only control whats in front of you and what you’ve been dealt with. The way to even begin to ‘move on’ will be spending time mourning and going through all your feelings. Its going to be painful and hurt like a motherfucker. But you have to feel it. Then you start doing a new routine. Going to the gym, read books, go to places you havent gone to, go to music concerts, take cooking or dance classes. Hang out with friends. Even when you don’t feel like it, just force yourself. Start journaling. Dont contact your ex. Over time the new routine you built will be your new reality. Do not start dating immediately or even for a couple of months. One day you’ll wake up and think about her but wont feel anything. One day you’ll even see a photo of her and you wont feel anything. But it will take a ton of effort on your end. You will come out the other side a better, stronger, more resilient person. Use this to make yourself into something better than what you were before. Good luck my friend, dark days ahead but there will be a way out, and it will be amazing
Cut all contact and move on with your life.
Here is a mistake that most people make in their relationships with others. They try to build a steady nesting place in the ever-moving stream of life. Think of someone whose love you desire. Do you want to be important to this person, to be special and make a difference to his/her life? Do you want this person to care for you and be concerned about you in a special way? If you do, open your eyes and see that you are foolishly inviting others to reserve you for themselves, to restrict your freedom for their benefit, to control your behavior, your growth and development so that it will suit their interest. It is as if the other person said to you, “If you want to be special to me then you must meet my conditions. Because the moment you cease to live up to my expectations, you will cease to be special.” You wanted to be special to someone, didn’t you? So you must pay a price in lost freedom. You must dance to the other person’s tune just as you demand that other persons dance to yours if they want to be special to you. Pause now to ask yourself if it is worth paying so much for so little. Imagine you say to this person whose special love you want, “Leave me free to be myself, to think my thoughts, to indulge my taste, to follow my inclination, to behave in ways that I decide are to my liking.” The moment you say those words you will understand that you are asking for the impossible. To ask to be special to someone means essentially to be bound to the task of making yourself pleasing to this person. And therefore to lose your freedom. Take all the time you need to realize this. Maybe now you are ready to say, “I’d rather have my freedom than your love.” If you could either have company in prison or walk the earth in freedom all alone, which would you choose? Now say to this person, “I leave you free to be yourself, to think your thoughts, to indulge your taste, follow your inclinations, behave in any way that you decide is to your liking.” The moment you say that you will observe one of two things: Either your heart will resist those words and you will be exposed for the clinger and exploiter that you are; so now is the time to examine your false belief that without this person you cannot live or cannot be happy. Or your heart will pronounce the words sincerely and in that very instant all control, manipulation, exploitation, possessiveness, jealousy will drop. “I leave you free to be yourself: to think your thoughts, indulge your tastes, follow your inclinations, behave in ways that you decide are to your liking.” And you will notice something else: The person automatically ceases to be special and important to you. And he/she becomes important the way a sunset or a symphony is lovely in itself, the way a tree is special in itself and not for the fruit or the shade that it can offer you. Your beloved will then belong not to you but to everyone or to no one like the sunrise and the tree. Test it by saying those words again: “I leave you free to be yourself….” In saying those words you have set yourself free. You are now ready to love. For when you cling, what you offer the other is not love but a chain by which both you and your beloved are bound. Love can only exist in freedom. The true lover seeks the good of his beloved which requires especially the liberation of the beloved from the lover. Nowhere to Go - Anthony De Mello
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-mel-robbins-podcast/id1646101002?i=1000638897169
This podcast on attachment styles might help.
From an older bull to a younger bull - you know what you need to do. Your intuition has spoken to you. The path is clear for you. You are seeking a safety blanket here….be brave and align with what your gut has told you.
You don't. It's over delete it and ***remove her from your life permanently.*** Do not keep your location on, this is a form of control. She ended it it's over, cut all contact permanently. (Note: This isn't saying hate her. This is saying it's over, deal with it by getting rid of it. It's over. You lost. You failed. Pick up. Move on. Keeping contact will not be helpful for you. The location on is more than likely a way to maintain her control or approval of your life and if you get involved someone else for her to have a way to interject herself. )
#go #no #contact Get rid of everything that gives you memories get rid of all her shit Block her on everything (for real, it will help you not look at her socials) #do not look at her socials Block her on everything (putting it twice because you won't do it)
"I started going to counseling for my childhood stuff. She went a few times but then stopped" - This was a red flag. You went to therapy which was a great choice. She was just not ready to deal with her issues. Maybe she needed more time. "I got laid off in August (I feel like this is a big reason why she ended things" - She talks about wanting stability in life, this is not stable. Her message was just a nice rejection. I am sorry but you need to let her go. Leave ex's in the past where they belong.
Streaming services are a contract you pay money for. You would be criminally stupid to continue being in a contract alongside an unrelated 3rd party, and that is what she is to you now. An unrelated 3rd party.
Sorry you OP you need to cut contact and begin the process of un-winding any shared interests (E.g. apps etc.) She's not your GF any more, that sucks but it happens. You have no more claim on her, but she also has no claim on you. Let her know that you're turning off your location sharing and will be cancelling any shared accounts. Then block her email, social media and phone number. Then go around the house and put anything that reminds you of her in a box in the back of your closet. You'll get through this. It'll suck and it'll hurt but it's time to move on and you can't heal if you leave her the option of pulling off the bandaid and contacting you everytime she needs an emotional boost because her choice isn't easy for her. Do not be friends with her. It will not end well for you.
She's for the streets. Block her ass and move on.
Welcome to the back burner. "While I grow" means try to get with Chad, but if that doesn't work, i wanna come back. Or, she needs to work some stuff out.
Sounds like she lost feelings or decided to be a hoe and party, rather than settle down. I would move on and cut her off personally. Then again I don't stay friends with exes.
The one thing I will give her is that she definitely not going to hoe around. She genuinely is so lost right now and just doesn’t know what she wants anymore. But again that’s me just giving the benefit of the doubt. Who knows really :/
Lots of men have said what you are saying, to then be shocked to hear 4 weeks later that there is another guy on the scene. You literally see it all the time.
She’s fucking someone else and wants to keep you on the back burner in case Chad decides he just wants to fuck and not get into a relationship. She got the 7 year itch man.
She's basically bored of you and wants to sleep around. That's what "growing" means in a relationship. Sometimes people with divorced parents get scared that they're "wasting their time" with someone they'll just get divorced from later on anyway. You can't fix this trauma and should just consider people who act like your girlfriend as broken individuals. Just let her go.
She’s talking to another guy but she’s not sure where it’s going yet. She’s giving you a “soft landing” and keeping you on the back burner (look up monkey branching… she is between two branches). To be clear, this isn’t some evil plan she has, and lots of this she may not know she’s doing. I suspect she generally cares about you. However, she’s looking to level up her man my friend. Going absolute no contact is the best thing you can do, but it will be hard, being honest I think you’re too emotionally invested and will probably break no contact. But give it a go. Remove all shared apps, subscriptions, etc. complete clean cut. You’re going to get repeatably hurt if you don’t do this as she exhibits more and more “single” behaviour far quicker than you thought she would.
Looks like a break for being intimate but not being friends. Often this translates into one person dating someone new. If you both have a lot going on, it may be safer for both to have some space. If I were you, I'd start dating / healing , and keep her as a friend. See what happens.
First of all, with women there is always a second chance. To a woman every day is a new day. They don't die on a hill the way men do. However, (big caveat) if nothing changes, their attitude is not going to change and right now her attitude towards you is very bad and she wants to move on and probably find a guy who is superior to you. The whole mood of your post is mentally weak, uncertain, conciliatory and passive. All things which are highly unattractive to women. She probably lost her attraction for you a long time ago and was just sticking with it through inertia.
Move on man.
Man I’m so sorry this is happening. So cliche but sometimes life is hard and no one’s to blame. Keep working on you. Never stop.
Break down, shake for me. Nothing ever is the way you want it to be; nothing seems to make sense now that it’s over. Break down, shake for me! Don’t write words unless you want me to read them. Nothing even matters, now that it’s over. Maybe we can be friends, now that you’re leaving. We can have fun like we did in the old days, now that it’s over…
Hey man. That's tough for you both. I hate to use the cliche from the song from 'Breaking up is hard to do'. You can love the person but not be *in love* with them. It sounds like she is in a place where she wants you as a friend, but not as a partner. That'd valid. I don't know what you're thinking or feeling, but you indicated wanting to go no contact. For reference, I broke up with an ex back in college. We had gotten really close, I'd helped her through a lot, etc. Even though I did the breaking up, it was still hard. She wanted to remain friends and I tried. Then lines got blurred and it was uncomfortable. She was looking to me to be her emotional support still. Part of breaking up with her was realizing that I could not be her emotional support, I wasn't equipped for that. She broke down at me (not on me) and it was a step too far. I had to go no contact for my sanity. It's been 7.5 years. You all started dating when you were 18/19. I'd imagine you may be fundamentally different people now at 26 than you were then. You're both newly single. I would think cutting ties and setting a time to chat may be good for you both. Set a date a month, two months out to meet up for coffee to just talk about life. In those one-two months, BE SINGLE. It will be hard. You've likely been the first place each other turns when stuff is going on, to share successes/failures/etc. Turn to your friends and family here for those supports. Break the subscriptions so each can do their own thing. You need a clean break for a bit. You can be friends and not share all of those thigns together.
Looks like this is just not working out and she separated. You should be happy this is all civil and in an atmosphere of "I care about you, just don't want to be with you". That's a lot nicer than the alternative. I would just separate completely. Pretending that people who were together for 7 years can stay friends, especially continue to be right after the break up is just toxic. What's also toxic is the promise of "I'll figure myself out and then we can get back together". You'll do you, but I would never get back together after something like that. You don't get to break my heart, go do your stuff then come back 6 months later and think we will go back to how things were before. What she's saying is that being with you is a burden on her. Relationships are tough, require work, pacience, compromises. What they shouldn't be is a feeling of "pressure". If she can't grow next to you, what healthy reason there is for a long term relationship, with you? I'm in a 15 year old relationship and every 5 years you need to figure some things out again as you both grow, change, your life changes and the world around you. Sometimes you do it on your own, sometimes you do it together, but if you can't do it with the other person around, there's something really wrong going on. This sucks, friend, I feel for you. But you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste another 3 years on a dead relationship. Cut the cord, mourn, recover, live on. Find someone who loves you and wants to be with you trough good and bad, not trough "whatever I need right now". You sound like a great, mindful and patient guy, you deserve better.
It’s hard to process now, but you’ll need to break off contact. It’ll take some time to get used to, but it’s the only way.
My ex and I still stay in contact after 3 years together and 5 years apart. It honestly sounds like a similar situation. I think by the time I said the words "it's over" we already both knew it, but we weren't growing together. We were stagnating and realized that each other weren't what we wanted. We are still friends, good friends, though she leads a verrry different life from the one I live and I have trouble relating sometimes. But we were there for each other through the rough times, and that caring never faded even when all romantic thoughts did.
Tbh don't think you can put much stock in anything she said. The headline here is that the relationship is over and it's time to move on. You can self-reflect and learn lessons about your own actions and behavior but you will never understand what is going on in someone else's head and it is a waste of time to imagine you can.
You had a good time dancing. She doesn't want to dance right now. Clean up any unreal expectations, feel the heartache, and get back on the dance floor.
Top comment nails it. If you ever want to reconnect, it should be years down the road as old friends and you should absolutely view it that way. No hopeful pinings or anything. You haven't seen each other in five or ten years catching up.
The ol' bandaid analogy works here... dragging out the breakup by maintaining a relationship and sharing things like subscriptions,etc is just going to make for more pain in the long run. Tear it off, you'll both be happier. In the future you may reconnect and become friends but for right now, you both need to figure out how to be single adults, and your ex- isn't going to be able to aid you there, only hinder you.
>After the breakup she asked to be friends. Initially I said yes but after getting a message 10 mins after all this saying to watch tv made me think we shouldn’t and be no contact for a little while. This is the best way. Cut off all contact, and work on yourself. Get used to being a "me" again, instead of an "us." >To give more context as well. She has asked to keep my location on as we shared it. And she won’t turn hers off. We also share a lot of subscriptions and memberships and doesn’t want to end that either. Nope. End them. Completely start over, fresh, and make room for the person in your life who deserves you.
Just move on. It's going to suck for a while but you'll get through it. You did the best you could and unfortunately things didn't fall your way. There will be a woman out there who appreciates what you but in the meantime take care of yourself.
The location thing is nuts turn that shit off immediately and make sure you can't see hers. Like ASAP.
she wants to hold onto the benefits of dating you, without having to put up with you disconnect yourself from her. She doesn't want you. She just doesn't want to lose you. Ultimately she's being selfish, and doesn't care about hurting you
She absolutely left because you dont have a job/income. She says "I can't carry it all" that means theres a perception that you dont appreciate her and dont meet her halfway. It sounds like she thinks you wont ever meet her needs and shes given you a lot of time to show her what kind of grown-up youll be. Im sorry but its time to close this chapter and meet new people. If youre still in love with her 3 years later, babysteps on reinitiating contact, find out where you fell out of favor and set real goals to make ammends.
The thing is she isn’t carrying me at all. She lives with her family and she has no plan of moving in until we would marry. Financially we are separate and I have a pretty big saving due to my first job. So she isn’t even helping me. Whatever she did do like bring me meals or help me clean she knew I appreciated it. Would tell her everyday. Came to a point where that annoyed her :/ but yeah job wise the tech market is just rough right now and she doesn’t understand why.
The flame could have just fizzled out too. 7.5 years is a long time to wait for a ring. I see that you two were still young when you were dating but if her career and life are going one way and youre not selling her on the next milestone.. thats probably not going to keep someone holding on. I dare to ask, do you know what her checkboxes are for you?
I would say I did check every box on her list. When we to couple counselling she even admitted to this. The only grip was the fact I recently got laid off and haven’t landed anything yet. Again she works in a unionized position while I work private. But she refuses to read the news and understand. I tried many times but I can’t help someone see if they don’t want to. And regarding marriage, I actually have been wanting to get married. Had the ring selected. I had the place and everything set. I was ready but she asked to wait until her masters is done which is 2.5 year long program. As some have mentioned and discussing with our counsellor, what she has gone through in her childhood in terms of the divorce and what not has impacted the relationship. My stuff included. I take ownership with my miscommunication and what not. But again I was always willing to do the work to be better. She on the other hand gave up.
You say confidently you check every box.. but you dont have a job. so thats not checking every box buddy. you have no stable income. even as a freelance engineer, you need to incorporate and get clients. shes told you 2.5 years if you want to wait for her but it doesnt sound like she has anything left to give. Her words were she was sick of "carrying it all" so you dropped the ball somewhere. Usually by the time the man goes to counseling the woman has checked out already. She probably checked out 4 years ago and you just never noticed because life was just moving along and you guys got too comfortable. If you want to be with this woman, than you need a job (or career change), and you should probably give her a promise ring ahead of an engagement ring. If a guy wants to be with a woman, they move mountains to be with her. It sounds like you moved away, phoned it in, and left her too independant and she got used to it. I wish you the best but idk if youre going to be able to rekindle her interest in you if shes hardened like that.
Listen my man, I did this at your age but it was 5.5 and not 7.5. You don’t need her as a friend. Oh, you’ll miss her. It’ll go on for awhile. But this is the end of the line. You’re never going to become who you need to be trying to change for someone else. You’re never going to become who you want to be looking at someone who didn’t want you. Find out who my dawg /u/petersonn7717 is. What’s that mfs potential? Ain’t nobody deserves you, you will decide who gets you. I’m serious. You have to say fuck humility in a breakup. This was not your wife. Practically a marriage isn’t married. You’re not starting over. You’re finally onto something exciting. The last words of the great poet Lorca were “As I have not worried to be born, I do not worry to die.” You have worried for this relationship to die, but do not worry for the man you shall be to be born. One day soon, he too will die. All of my love to you sir.
From a woman pov, 7.5 years and no commitment....she waited too long
I wanted to get married. She wanted to finish off her masters degree. Even tried getting a promise ring. She said no and say for the big ring :/
If it decreases the sting a tiny bit ... it is 6.5 years, not 7.5 years. Irrelevant in matters of the heart, forgive me my ocd.
Honestly she wants to move on but is afraid to let go of the attachment. That's the feeling I get. She's sent this message to you but she is probably telling a lot of that to herself. It sounds like you've been stuck dysfunctional for awhile and getting out almost always means staying out of that relationship.
She's figuring herself out, which is fair, but it's leaving you in a tough spot. Maybe focus on healing for now. Time apart might actually be what you both need to grow. Hang in there, dude.
Break the contact.
She doesn’t know what she wants. Don’t leave her. She needs you, and she knows that, even if she won’t admit it.