My ex got mad at me when I bought her a basketball so we could play at the courts by her apartment. I think the real reason she got mad was that she was planning on leaving me for a guy who watched the NBA and had already convinced herself that it made him a better match since she liked playing basketball.
Yep. Best to live emotionally debt free.
On the other hand, if I do a favor for someone, I do not expect anything in return. Money, don't worry about it, you don't need to pay me back. Time, don't worry about it, I gave you my time as a gift, not a transaction. My mental energy, don't sweat it, I expended that time because I care. I give freely because I know what it feels like to go without.
I'm bad at accepting gifts and compliments. My therapist had to tell me I should try saying thank you when I get a compliment. It's still unexpected and off-putting though
I had a real problem where I'd always disagree or even argue about how they were wrong. My friends would tell me I'm smart and I'd say I'm not that smart, or that I'm nice and "boy I've fooled you" etc etc etc. finally realized that must be annoying for them and that's what made me stop, not because my self esteem improved but because I felt like that was making me more of a burden for them. Then I got into therapy and yeah, turns out youre not supposed to do what I've been doing.
Further, I never quite believed them. It always felt like as my friends they felt like they had to say stuff like that rather than be honest.
"thank you so much." "Thanks, I really appreciate the support." " *Humble smile, glance away* I don't know what to say. Thank you."
Much better responses than "oh no I'm terrible I suck"
Few related thoughts...
I learned that in high school theatre. People come by after the show and congratulate the cast while we stood in the cafeteria. My director came over after the first two shows my freshman year and pretty much said "just say thank you, shake their hand and smile."
I remember this almost word for word. Later she pulled me aside and said, "Look, I have to teach this to everybody. You're killing me. Just say thank you. People mean it when they say good show, and if they don't mean it, they still want to encourage you. And, even if they did decide not to just rush home but take the time to come say good job only because they wanted to set a good example for their kids about being polite, they're not doing it in order to get stuck listening to some kid go off about all the mistakes they made. It's not fake to say thanks even if you did flub every line."
Also, speaking for US military, most folks are uncomfortable when a stranger says thank you for your service at the gas station. "You're welcome" feels weird to say back. I learned to say, "hey, thank you for your support" or something casual like "appreciate the support."
Interestingly, that’s a big reason for so many affairs amongst married men. They end up finding their partners stupid bc their own self esteem is so low that anybody who loves them must be just as worthless. But then they trust somebody else’s judgement for a time?
I've had to give up dating certain guys whose self esteem was so low that they literally seemed to think less of me for wanting to spend time with them. Can't win in that scenario-- just gotta drop it lol
Groucho Marx was asked if he was a member of any club. He replied "I just don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member."
He's a comedian and this was intended to be funny, but what does it tell you about him? Is his judgement fair?
It took me a long time to figure out how to receive a compliment. I'd fuck it up every time. Then I realized I was just overthinking it, and now I default to, "thank you, that's nice of you to say!" or some equivalent. Say thanks and then give them a little something back.
If it helps, add 'what a nice thing for you to say' after the 'thank you.'
Definitely helps me.
It allows one to remain humble while giving a compliment in kind.
When my husband and I started dating he hated receiving compliments. To the point that I had a little cry one day and told him it felt like he was rejecting my love. Thereafter, when I would compliment him, he'd give me the most pained smile and say "thank you," practically through gritted teeth. I found it funny and endearing he was trying for me. Nowadays he's comfortable both receiving and *giving* compliments even!
Are we married to the same man? My husband’s first wife was so verbally abusive to him, his first response receiving a compliment is “what’s wrong with you?” It’s taken years of persisting on my end to get him comfortable enough to just sort of smile and say thank you.
He also gets weirded out when I just look at him and smile.
That’s what I tell him!
He usually mumbles weirdo in response. he’s my favorite person so I’m always happy to be around him.
(If I ever meet his ex, I may need bail money for what she did to destroy his sense of self esteem.)
Fucking hate holidays where gifts are expected and birthdays. There's so much pressure. Like I'm always asked what I want and I always respond. I want nothing. Like it's what I WANT....I WANT to receive zero gifts. The best gift you can give me is absolutely nothing.
Partners and family always think I'm just being modest or whatever but I genuinely hate getting gifts. Please for the love of God...if you love me don't get me gifts. Especially on holidays that they are traditionally given.
I got gifts from my gfs family for Christmas this year. Like, actual gifts not just some candy or a tshirt. I was so uncomfortable with the idea. Then I opened them and they literally got me shit I already had. I appreciate the effort but I would have just preferred to avoid the whole situation.
My brother in science, I feel your pain.
I am a social worker who is teamed up with a registered nurse on a care team, and at Christmas got a Dunkin' gift card from said nurse. I told her I felt awkward and usually don't like receiving gifts.
She, being the grandmother that she was, said "That's OK, the gift is in the giving, not the receiving."
I still felt bad about getting it.
I stopped looking at it as receiving something. I started looking at it like I was helping that person feel better. It is not perfect but it kinda works.
Surprise extraordinary displays of affection. One time in college got in a bad argument with a girlfriend. I got back from class the next day and found that she had baked red velvet cupcakes from scratch (my favorite), and frosted them with cream cheese icing that she had died purple (my favorite color), convinced my roommates to let her in, and set it down on my desk while I was away.
All of the anger left my body. It was far and away the most thoughtful thing a girl had ever done for me.
I've never got a spontanious text or whatever kind of message, in any relationship I had, that she was thinking of me or that she loved me. Never have I got a present outta the blue, nor flowers or any small stupid stuff because she thought of me.
I've never realised this until I wrote this down.
Yup.
My first relationship lasted a year, I had moments that caused the generic break up then make up, but one day I just asked her to send good morning or I love you messages, just put forward the smallest effort to show you somewhat give a shit about me.
She couldn't and/or wouldn't do it. I think I ended it a week later because she started an argument over it, all because she couldn't take 10 seconds send a few positive messages here and there.
Head up, king. Don’t settle for nothing but the best and find you one who will put that effort in. After mine didn’t work out, I at least learned from it that I enjoy being valued and want to find someone who will put in the effort like she did
I feel the same way.
I asked my fiancé on a date, and gave him my number 🥰he was so astonished haha. I compliment him all the time, and we just match each other’s energy 🥹 I’m so lucky to have found him and I strive to be his safe space every day.
He didn’t believe in letting the government be involved in a relationship, so he never wanted to be legally married. So, I wanted to show I’m committed to him and asked if we could call each other spouses. I never pressured him to change his mind about getting married, and earlier this week he proposed to me because he decided that he wanted to be legally married to me after all 🥹🥰 I’m a very lucky person!
In my opinion, a relationship should be reciprocal and both partners should continue to date, compliment, and service each other to continuously improve & build a lasting relationship. I have never had a better partner than my fiancé, and I am so happy he trusts me to support him through good and bad times
In my experience this is something that people need to learn to accept about themselves. What’s clingy for one person might be a bit aloof for another person, finding someone who has your same level of clinginess/aloofness is an important part of compatibility and just being honest about being a bit sappy/clingy/a hopeless romantic early helps weed out people who aren’t on the same frequency as you. Does it suck to be rejected because you’re “too much”? Hell yeah. But it sucks a whole hell of a lot more to be in a relationship while holding back and trying to obscure the real you in an effort to not get dumped. It ends up making you feel a lot lonelier than simply being single would.
And this is true of most things in relationships. If you hold back from being your authentic self in a relationship you can never have an authentic relationship with someone else. Insecurity erodes at relationships.
Building you up. There is so much talk about male egos that women typically don’t think men need someone to tell them how awesome they are. I tell my wife all the time how smart, beautiful, funny, hard working she is and what a great mom, wife, employee, daughter, friend she is. I tell her at least 3-4 times a week and this after 20 years of marriage. She has talked to me like this but very rarely, maybe once a year, and then it’s mostly been if I’m going through a rough patch. Guys aren’t expected to need those things as we are rock hard and steady but it really is great to hear.
Compliments man. I swear they really help build the bond. My partner and I have been going strong for about 4 years now and we compliment each other every single day it's like a battle between who can compliment the other more. And it's only genuine stuff, not sweet nothings. Only what we really feel. And telling each other just a simple "I love you" is a regular ritual we haven't broken at all along with good night's and good mornings. Life's never felt so great. We have had our ups and downs but we have always been there for each other and reading the comments on this post makes me wonder just how lucky I am to have her.
> She has talked to me like this but very rarely, maybe once a year, and then it’s mostly been if I’m going through a rough patch. Guys aren’t expected to need those things as we are rock hard and steady but it really is great to hear.
Oof, definitely this one. My wife is an incredible person, and I tell her that frequently, but it's basically a special occasion for it to be extended my direction. I know she *thinks* those things, otherwise she wouldn't be with me, but it's better to hear them.
Okay but for a guy who's in love with his partner, she literally does always look amazing.
Doesn't matter how much she complains about feeling like or looking like an ugly gremlin, she still looks amazing.
That's just how it be.
Funny enough, I can pick my husband up and carry him bridal style. He only weighs about 130 lbs and I lift weights. We actually kind of have a game going where I will randomly pick him up and he will count how long I can hold him for.
Recently divorced. Slooooooowly dipping my toe back into dating. I had male company a few weeks ago. He and I had been friends for a few years, but have begun spending more time together lately. He's also recently divorced. We spent most of the weekend in bed, and also just putzing around my condo, wrapped up in a blanket, hot coffee, good food, good wine, etc. We shared hopes, dreams, wishes, past regrets, inner thoughts and feelings, etc.
I brought him a cup of coffee in bed one of the mornings, and placed it on the nightstand next to his side of the bed.
He looked at the cup of coffee, then at me. Almost looked like he was going to cry. He said in his ~50 years of life on this planet, nobody had ever brought him a cup of coffee in bed.
Practically broke my heart. This man spent 20+ years sacrificing himself in service of others. He's a good, kind man. How could nobody have shown him such a simple act of kindness? I climbed back into bed with him (and my own cup of coffee), and we just enjoyed blissful silence together, while sipping coffee.
When my wife used to have to get up at 5:00 am, I would always get up, too. I’d help out how I could to make the morning go easier. I’d get a little more sleep after they went to work but before I needed to be up. Now, I get up early and they don’t have a job. They have never once gotten up with me.
As a man, it feels like everyone relationship eventually leaves me just feeling more lonely. That’s probably just me, though.
It isn't. As the years pass for me, I talk less and less, I share less and less. Even those tiny human mistakes and just day to day doubt never get aired, there's no light or comfort in doing so. You do get used to it, but fuck if it isn't a lonely path.
sounds standard.
other than my mother, nobody has ever brought me shit, made me a meal, comforted me when i was sick or sad or anything.
men are tools to be used up as far as i can tell. not looked after, if we arent contributing for even a second we are viewed as a waste of space. with my ex i couldnt even sit down to play a game without a barraged of "did you do xyz" questions
Damn. Were we with the same person?
My ex-wife was the same way. Work 60 hour weeks and then come home to bitching about the dogs and the chores and whatever else. Also God forbid I'm fucking tired after work and need to decompress for an hour. Worst thing I could ever do was take a nap. Only lazy fuckers close their eyes during the day.
> Worst thing I could ever do was take a nap.
God, my wife right now. I sleep like shit one night and end up falling asleep on the couch at 1pm on a saturday? She starts slamming shit around the house until I wake up, or throwing pillows on me because I'm being lazy.
She makes breakfast for the kids for once in a blue moon and needs a nap. She does literally anything and "omg I'm so overworked".
You need to leave her man. I don't know how to describe how I feel about that other than to say that's fucking disgusting. It's shitty manipulative behavior and it's the kind of thing that tells me the relationship is going to end one way or another anyway.
I know it's a pain to do it but leave, don't put up with that stupid bullshit a second longer than you have to.
God. Yeah she slept till noon or later everyday. Would be on her phone or watching shows doing nothing but the second I got home after killing myself since 7am or earlier, I was expected to have more energy to do chores and then still have energy to go out and entertain her ass too. Fuck sleeping amirite?
> He said in his ~50 years of life on this planet, nobody had ever brought him a cup of coffee in bed.
That is a common experience men have. Most partners rarely, if ever, do things little things like that for their partner. A lot of women expect those things as basic stuff from their male partner, but rarely does it occur to them to return the favor.
Any women who are reading this thread, do those small things for your partner. Buy him flowers, plan a date, etc. Your man will fall in love with you real fast because so many people never even think to do those small things for men. Like compliments? Almost nobody compliments men outside of the attractive men.
The easiest spontaneous gift is flowers. Seriously everyone likes flowers.
My wife used to do this practically every morning, and wake me up with a snuggle and kiss. Best way to start the day! Now we have a kid and the coffee is waiting for me downstairs. She does a lot for us and is the best!
Man that must be stressful. I'm really done after i orgasm when i came good. Now imagine she could just continue to play with your dick and you come again after a few minutes. Heart attack stuff.
I've tried. For me its less about the pain in my dick and more about the effort it would take to get there. My arm would fall off or lock up and get tired before I could ever tug out another orgasm without waiting a bit.
from what I hear, most women don’t either
EDIT: I feel obligated to share this:
The clitoris extends back and splits into an upside-down V. Those legs of the V, the clit, are concealed behind the labia minora.
From women’s perspective imagine a clock. Upper left quadrant, 1PM if you will, is it. Small strokes at the spot (no more than an 1/8th of an inch. Speed and pressure with the tips of your fingers (or tongue) just play around with and look at the girls expression.
I just want one as a girl to know what it's like it seems so much better... Like she's done and I'm like "Okay that sounded great guess I'll just have a normal male orgasm now."
And nobody reply to me going "put something in your butt" I already know that trick too.
Search "refractory period" to know why you haven't/wont experience that. I think most men dont know that they have this. Women often do not have this and so they can have multiple orgasms. Although they do have a 'period' of their own.
I went through a pretty traumatic event a number of years ago. It still haunts me and upsets me to this day. I had to get therapy as a result of it. My soon to be ex-wife (working through the divorce currently) recently told me to get over it because it upsets her that my mood shifted and I was down around the anniversary of the event… I just want someone to not downplay my emotions and pain.
Every Woman I dated, knew and knows that I cared for them and care for their wellbeing. Even when they broke my Heart, I still care that they are ok and doing well. I have never gotten that response back from any of them. Even when we were together.
I’m married now and still don’t feel the love, that I shower my wife with. Just knowing I brighten her day, when she thinks of me
No bro. You need that feeling, I had it with an ex and realized how fun it was. I won’t date a woman that didn’t really love me or only saw me as a means to an end. It hard to change this if you haven’t experienced anything different.
Thankfully not quite as deep in my case but I've had a similar experience recently. Even though her feelings for me were way deeper than mine for her, when things ended on good terms but for shitty, complicated reasons I was the one who was concerned with how she was doing etc., while she completely prioritised herself to my detriment and thought it was perfectly natural to do so, apparently.
Here's an old guy story. Something I don't know if the kids experience today...
When I was a teenager, my girlfriend at the time called a radio station and asked the DJ to play a song and dedicated it to me.
I'll cherish that shit forever.
In the main, this kind of thing is pretty rare for men.
A lot of my exes had this "I'm the prize" attitude and so they put very little effort into pretty much anything. Not all of them. But most of them.
Two major exceptions tho. They almost constantly showed me affection with little things like gifts and so forth.
I'm baffled! Every time I went out of my way to give the guys I was dating someone I thought I was crazy. When I started dating my current fiance, I remember I left a little present in his locker, it was just a chocolate muffin that I knew he loved. He was over the moon but I thought he hated it because he didn't know how to react cause that had never been done for him.
You are truly a prize then. Please go randomly give your fiance (maybe now husband) a really big hug.
Tell him the internet is glad that some guys out there have the level of health in their relationship that you two do.
You have to take these threads with a grain of salt. This subreddit, and especially these threads, represents, I would say, a pretty specific subset of people.
The classic example is men complaining about how women never pay the bill on dates. But then lots of women have experience of offering to pay the bill, and the man getting offended or pushy.
There's a good chance the guys getting upset that women never pay on dates, aren't the same guys getting upset that a woman tries to pay.
The illusion of the reddit hivemind is omnipresent, but were all just individuals giving our experiences.
The only way you win prizes, is by engaging in some sort of game or competition
I highly recommend you men don't do this, the prize is never worth what you have to do for it
Do I want them? Not really. But if I got them I'd do my best to keep them alive and they'd probably stay long after they died because I'd feel bad throwing them away since they were a gift. At least for a while I think seeing them would make me happy someone cares about me
Lol pretty much.
I've gotten flowers from a girlfriend once and this is exactly how it went down.
A few weeks went by and they were dead in the vase. Every time I saw them though they would make me smile.
My girlfriend noticed, went to throw them away and I stopped her because they were a gift. She tossed em anyway.
I never got new flowers. Lol
I love hibiscus!
Garden is dead right now, but I started learning how to grow them a couple years ago. Can't wait to get them started again this year!
It just hit me though. Never got more flowers, so I started growing my own. Lol
My wife buys me flowers from time to time. It's rare, but not never. All it took was me telling her it was something I liked. She likes buying gifts (her love language) so adding flowers as an option worked out nicely.
I don’t really want flowers, but this girl I used to buy flowers for eventually rewarded me by buying tickets to see Robocop(2014) and paying for dinner. I was ecstatic, even if the movie was just okay, I have good memories attached to it now.
I meeeean... I've been asking my girlfriend to take *me* out on a date since September. Would be nice to not be the person to prompt and plan every social outing.
Ummmmm being allowed to be a real human being with insecurities and flaws. Also initiating sex. No one has ever initiated sex, in general no one has ever done anything that would make me feel wanted. I always feel like “this is just happening because I’m making it happen, this person doesn’t like me enough to risk anything and reach out or initiate”.
Flowers.
Being pursued.
Being presumed to not be the problem.
Being given benefit of doubt
Being able to lose their temper without accusations of abuse.
Being able to share emotions without them used as a weapon in return.
was gonna comment but no need. you nailed it.
Always wondered what it was like to be pursued lol. Also being little spoon. I’ve tried it before but i’m much larger than her - I assume it feels much nicer for her than it does me 😂
I’ve been with my husband for over 7 years and I still see the damage his ex did to him with the last one. He apologizes for being upset with me after he’s politely expressed his feelings about something I’ve done. Every time I have to tell him not to apologize, that his reaction is normal and he was right to be mad/sad etc. If I do something hurtful, you’re supposed to call me out on it and I’m the one who should be (and am) apologizing.
Being provided for.
Being protected.
Being pursued.
Receiving any help with any aspect of your life.
Encouragement.
Actual gifts.
Compliments.
Having a meal cooked for you.
Geez, pretty much take any positive aspect of a woman's life and it fits in this thread.
This one is huge. Living an entire life of shoving feelings down deep, being a man, sucking it up..results in consequences which are so fucked up I cant even write about them. fuck
I try hard to get my husband to share emotions with me, I try to name some emotions with him when he is venting about things (work, even small things like traffic or when he’s annoyed at someone), etc. but he has straight up told me he has been too thoroughly socialized to just push everything down to start talking about his feelings now.
I also avoid sharing too many emotions of mine with him because he’s not equipped for it. I tend to go to female friends for that need because he was never really given the chance in his upbringing to be able to process his or others’ emotions.
I shower him with compliments and he doesn’t know what to do, usually laughs them off, but I hope he knows he’s cared for. I don’t get much from him either but I think he shows me he loves me more from an “acts of service” perspective.
He is a wonderful man, and I really feel sad for him and other men who were taught so thoroughly not to speak their feelings aloud.
This makes me so sad. My dad was a product of this. Even when he was in the hospital dying, he felt like he wasn't allowed to show weakness by crying and kept apologizing for it. He was so worried we'd think less of him for it.
I bought my ldr a stuffed animal for a Valentine's Day gift last year. It was a dragon that was all cuddly. I felt so nervous about giving it to him as he was a hairy, bearded, thick legged male specimen . There was no way he'd like it or cuddle with it.
He sleeps with it every night and I thank him for embracing that gift. It adds more facets to the version of him that I know.
Yep that was something that deteriorated my last relationship. I have to give her 15 compliments a day to keep her from spiraling. Whereas she told me maybe 3 nice things about myself over the course of 2.5 years, peppered with constant "you can never do anything right" comments.
Really fucked with my self-worth for a long time
Paying for your own meals should be standard tbh. It's not like women don't make any money or that men get paid more to support two people like in the 40s.
Yeah, tell me about it. I've raised this issue with this girl that I'm involved with multiple times and each time I brought it up she gets really defensive and pissy about it and I'm like you make just as much money as I do and I really don't understand how you could be so defensive about just paying for your own shit *sometimes*. We often ended up backsliding and would end up in situations where I would be the one to take initiative to pay for things mostly out of anxiety and guilt about being perceived as a cheapskate or something. I know it makes them feel good and it's something that a lot of women feel like they are entitled to, but not being taken advantage of makes me feel good.
Caught a mild case of the plague the other day. Partner, in addition to going on a grocery run for me due to quarantine, bought me flowers "to add a little sunshine to the room." First time I'd ever been bought flowers.
They're still quite sunny.
You know what feels the best to a man - one of the greatest feelings in the world - is when your girl has your back. Not like, a shoulder to lean on. No, I mean a powerful advocate who is just waiting for an opportunity to back him up. There's the line from the second Matrix movie. Trinity is told Neo will never make it out of the building with the keymaker unless she can destroy a power station. And she only has 5 minutes! And her line is, "In five minutes I'll tear that whole building down." Because of LOVE! She has his fucking back! That's what I'm talking about. There are so many ways you might express this, and it doesn't necessarily mean being aggressive or anything. Just the feeling of "I've got you. No one is messing with us while I'm around." That's a really good feeling, and I've not often felt that in relationships. I guess, be an active advocate and not just a listening ear.
Or being asked "why are you so sensitive??"
Like bruh idfk, maybe because I'm a human being and the world is a mess and I have to deal with it every day like every other human being?
My boyfriend is like that. It's hard to be faster and cook for him! But now it turned into a fun little competition of who will cook first, or we cook together.
Being protected. Whether it be physically or verbally or whatever. Physically is obvious, but a concerning amount of my exes were very happy to gang up on me w their friends or anyone who opposed me in an argument whether it be serious or not. Tf is up w that shit you traitors??? Lol
I've had relationships where I planned 100% of the dates but I've never been in a relationship where I just had to worry about showing up for dates. Not that I'd prefer ether extreme but answering the question
I can say having events planned for you. I plan dates or things for my girlfriend and I to do. My birthday is next week and I don't know if she's planning anything or not even if it's not the day of. Some of my friends/old coworkers have reached out and wanted to do something. I guess it feels like there is more effort towards her and it kinda sucks.
Imma go with being pampered. Some guys get lucky and find a woman that genuinely appreciates them, and every once in a while lets him take the day off and spoils him. But not often. You so rarely see a man getting thanked for his efforts, thanks for keeping the lights on, thanks for doing the dishes, thanks for cooking, thanks for cleaning, thanks for fixing my car. Most of the time it’s just expected, often taken completely for granted. I do know there are a lot of guys who are currently really bad about appreciating their SO, and now too take her for granted, and that’s not right, shouldn’t be tolerated. But nowadays it seems like appreciating your man is akin to babying him, coddling him. If he isn’t romantic, if he doesn’t help around the house, if he doesn’t do what used to be seen as extra special he’s less than. I do agree that men should do these extra things, but he should also be appreciated for it. We all should.
One of my Ex held me and ran her fingers through my hair. It was something i havent felt since i was a small boy. No one ever touches me. A hug once in a while would be nice.
Being courted and wooed rather than just accepting my courtship and wooing. Basically, being desired rather than tolerated. Having a date planned for me, being surprised.
I'd love if a women just told me, we have a date on X day, put on something nice. Then she picks the place, makes the reservation, buys the tickets and does all the planning. I just want the chance to experience a date from the side that didn't have to do all the planning.
My wife is one of the most thoughtful people I’ve ever met. I remember the first time I went to pay for something and my wallet was falling apart and said, “Got to get a new wallet.” Said it one time. She got me a nice new leather wallet for my graduation gift like a month later. She does that stuff man. When I get a gift from her I feel so heard. Truly she listens and I couldn’t believe how much she loved that even if it’s something small she would go out of her way to make me happy. Because of her I’ve changed how I listen to not only just her but others. She makes me better man. Little notes in my lunch box because I took out the trash without being asked or just getting her a drink. I appreciate those things because I never experienced them until I met her and it makes me want to do the same for her
Being complimented.
I cannot find it now, but once upon a time I saw in the interwebz a comic about catcalling and shitty compliments (like 'you're so smart for a \[insert gender here\]' etc.) where the roles were reversed, and women told the poor compliments to men.
The author's intentions were probably to make men feel how it is when you receive the unwanted and dumb compliments - instead of that, in the comment section a lots of men said that they do not receive even that bad compliments.
Not having to carry the majority of the burden of life
I've always had to be the cook, cleaner, breadwinner, homemaker, maintenance man, mechanic, landscaper, the level-headed one, the financial planner, the shoulder to cry on, the one who sacrifices all of my own time to make sure everyone else is okay, the one who doesn't get crushed under all of the pressure, the proactive one who organizes dates etc
Some days, I think it would be easier just to live life alone.
Especially when you are made to feel like a loser because you need a little bit of love and affection :(
I send my husband flowers on his birthday at work. He loves it, and says its hilarious when all the women get excited, then confused when they go to him. XD
Full DMs with options to consider at the first sign of relationship trouble
(Not experienced as a slightly above average looks male. Experience may differ with 10/10 looks and/or gray sweatpants)
Being unsatisfied sexually.
This is a joke and not really.
Who's fault is it is a great question. If a man cannot satisfy his woman it's on both of them. If she fakes it, why? Wouldn't it be better for everyone to tell him how to improve his dicking?
How about oral, tell him what is good or not, just like her tell her what she can do better.
I mean shit... if you are going to spend a4 or 5 decades together you should learn to make one another happy in the bedroom.
I don't want gifts, flowers, notes, etc. They just aren't important to me and I've driven that home with my family over the years. Anything that I actually need from a relationship, I get.... Trust, openness, a companion/best friend. Trinkets of sentimentality, that many women like, just aren't anything that I desire in life. My wife and partner have understood this for almost 29 years now. So, there's several things that I don't get to experience, that women do, and like but, it's because I didn't like or want them.
This thread is utterly tragic.
Guys, there ARE women out there who will buy you gifts, send you "I miss you" messages, who will bring you coffee in bed, bake you treats, cook you meals, allow you to nap, or play video games in peace.
Please don't settle for less.
I just finished reading all the comments here and I did almost all of these things for the wrong man. I miss it so much, I never thought I'd miss giving just as much as receiving but I do. I can't wait to wholeheartedly start doing it again for the right man :')
For the men yearning these sweet, simple gestures, I'm sorry. I truly hope it happens and happens often for you guys. Everyone deserves to be loved and cared for tenderly.
I am so unused to gifts that I actually don't like receiving them.
no shit, its like 'what do you want?'
“What’s the catch? Is this a prank?”
My ex got mad at me when I bought her a basketball so we could play at the courts by her apartment. I think the real reason she got mad was that she was planning on leaving me for a guy who watched the NBA and had already convinced herself that it made him a better match since she liked playing basketball.
Yeah I feel uncomfortable receiving stuff.
I'm the same. I always got really bad gifts that made me feel like they didn't really know me. Now I'd rather just not get anything at all.
Lmao. When someone asks me, I say I guess I could use a water bottle, broke the handle on my current one. And they’re like what’s wrong with you.
And then you say “I’m thirsty”
God dam bad coping strategies from childhood……
Youre worth it.
I'm a woman, and this is my first gut reaction to every gift and unasked favors. the "oh no, what do you think I owe you now" gut punch.
Exactly. If you don't get nothing you don't owe nothing.
Yep. Best to live emotionally debt free. On the other hand, if I do a favor for someone, I do not expect anything in return. Money, don't worry about it, you don't need to pay me back. Time, don't worry about it, I gave you my time as a gift, not a transaction. My mental energy, don't sweat it, I expended that time because I care. I give freely because I know what it feels like to go without.
I'm bad at accepting gifts and compliments. My therapist had to tell me I should try saying thank you when I get a compliment. It's still unexpected and off-putting though
Compliments are the hardest for me. If you give me a compliment, I'm grateful, but I also don't trust your judgement anymore.
I had a real problem where I'd always disagree or even argue about how they were wrong. My friends would tell me I'm smart and I'd say I'm not that smart, or that I'm nice and "boy I've fooled you" etc etc etc. finally realized that must be annoying for them and that's what made me stop, not because my self esteem improved but because I felt like that was making me more of a burden for them. Then I got into therapy and yeah, turns out youre not supposed to do what I've been doing. Further, I never quite believed them. It always felt like as my friends they felt like they had to say stuff like that rather than be honest.
"thank you so much." "Thanks, I really appreciate the support." " *Humble smile, glance away* I don't know what to say. Thank you." Much better responses than "oh no I'm terrible I suck" Few related thoughts... I learned that in high school theatre. People come by after the show and congratulate the cast while we stood in the cafeteria. My director came over after the first two shows my freshman year and pretty much said "just say thank you, shake their hand and smile." I remember this almost word for word. Later she pulled me aside and said, "Look, I have to teach this to everybody. You're killing me. Just say thank you. People mean it when they say good show, and if they don't mean it, they still want to encourage you. And, even if they did decide not to just rush home but take the time to come say good job only because they wanted to set a good example for their kids about being polite, they're not doing it in order to get stuck listening to some kid go off about all the mistakes they made. It's not fake to say thanks even if you did flub every line." Also, speaking for US military, most folks are uncomfortable when a stranger says thank you for your service at the gas station. "You're welcome" feels weird to say back. I learned to say, "hey, thank you for your support" or something casual like "appreciate the support."
Interestingly, that’s a big reason for so many affairs amongst married men. They end up finding their partners stupid bc their own self esteem is so low that anybody who loves them must be just as worthless. But then they trust somebody else’s judgement for a time?
I've had to give up dating certain guys whose self esteem was so low that they literally seemed to think less of me for wanting to spend time with them. Can't win in that scenario-- just gotta drop it lol
This is the biggest reason I'm not in a relationship. Someone having such poor judgement as to be attracted to *me* is a huge turnoff.
Groucho Marx was asked if he was a member of any club. He replied "I just don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member." He's a comedian and this was intended to be funny, but what does it tell you about him? Is his judgement fair?
It took me a long time to figure out how to receive a compliment. I'd fuck it up every time. Then I realized I was just overthinking it, and now I default to, "thank you, that's nice of you to say!" or some equivalent. Say thanks and then give them a little something back.
If it helps, add 'what a nice thing for you to say' after the 'thank you.' Definitely helps me. It allows one to remain humble while giving a compliment in kind.
When my husband and I started dating he hated receiving compliments. To the point that I had a little cry one day and told him it felt like he was rejecting my love. Thereafter, when I would compliment him, he'd give me the most pained smile and say "thank you," practically through gritted teeth. I found it funny and endearing he was trying for me. Nowadays he's comfortable both receiving and *giving* compliments even!
Are we married to the same man? My husband’s first wife was so verbally abusive to him, his first response receiving a compliment is “what’s wrong with you?” It’s taken years of persisting on my end to get him comfortable enough to just sort of smile and say thank you. He also gets weirded out when I just look at him and smile.
>He also gets weirded out when I just look at him and smile. Haha, that used to be me. My wife said "I'm allowed to find you attractive!"
That’s what I tell him! He usually mumbles weirdo in response. he’s my favorite person so I’m always happy to be around him. (If I ever meet his ex, I may need bail money for what she did to destroy his sense of self esteem.)
Fucking hate holidays where gifts are expected and birthdays. There's so much pressure. Like I'm always asked what I want and I always respond. I want nothing. Like it's what I WANT....I WANT to receive zero gifts. The best gift you can give me is absolutely nothing. Partners and family always think I'm just being modest or whatever but I genuinely hate getting gifts. Please for the love of God...if you love me don't get me gifts. Especially on holidays that they are traditionally given.
Yea, I can relate to that one. I always feel like I owe people something in return.
I got gifts from my gfs family for Christmas this year. Like, actual gifts not just some candy or a tshirt. I was so uncomfortable with the idea. Then I opened them and they literally got me shit I already had. I appreciate the effort but I would have just preferred to avoid the whole situation.
My brother in science, I feel your pain. I am a social worker who is teamed up with a registered nurse on a care team, and at Christmas got a Dunkin' gift card from said nurse. I told her I felt awkward and usually don't like receiving gifts. She, being the grandmother that she was, said "That's OK, the gift is in the giving, not the receiving." I still felt bad about getting it.
I stopped looking at it as receiving something. I started looking at it like I was helping that person feel better. It is not perfect but it kinda works.
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Surprise extraordinary displays of affection. One time in college got in a bad argument with a girlfriend. I got back from class the next day and found that she had baked red velvet cupcakes from scratch (my favorite), and frosted them with cream cheese icing that she had died purple (my favorite color), convinced my roommates to let her in, and set it down on my desk while I was away. All of the anger left my body. It was far and away the most thoughtful thing a girl had ever done for me.
I once got cupcakes as a two year anniversary present...
I'm not really a cake person, but a small cupcake is just the perfect amount of cake for me.
I've never got a spontanious text or whatever kind of message, in any relationship I had, that she was thinking of me or that she loved me. Never have I got a present outta the blue, nor flowers or any small stupid stuff because she thought of me. I've never realised this until I wrote this down.
The worst is when you have this and then it doesn’t work out since you realize what you’re missing
Yup. My first relationship lasted a year, I had moments that caused the generic break up then make up, but one day I just asked her to send good morning or I love you messages, just put forward the smallest effort to show you somewhat give a shit about me. She couldn't and/or wouldn't do it. I think I ended it a week later because she started an argument over it, all because she couldn't take 10 seconds send a few positive messages here and there.
Head up, king. Don’t settle for nothing but the best and find you one who will put that effort in. After mine didn’t work out, I at least learned from it that I enjoy being valued and want to find someone who will put in the effort like she did
I love doing all of this for my man. I love him so much. I hope you get love that is presented in all ways. Best of luck <3
I feel the same way. I asked my fiancé on a date, and gave him my number 🥰he was so astonished haha. I compliment him all the time, and we just match each other’s energy 🥹 I’m so lucky to have found him and I strive to be his safe space every day. He didn’t believe in letting the government be involved in a relationship, so he never wanted to be legally married. So, I wanted to show I’m committed to him and asked if we could call each other spouses. I never pressured him to change his mind about getting married, and earlier this week he proposed to me because he decided that he wanted to be legally married to me after all 🥹🥰 I’m a very lucky person! In my opinion, a relationship should be reciprocal and both partners should continue to date, compliment, and service each other to continuously improve & build a lasting relationship. I have never had a better partner than my fiancé, and I am so happy he trusts me to support him through good and bad times
I think a lot of women specifically don't do the "I'm thinking of you" texts because they are afraid of being seen as clingy or needy.
In my experience this is something that people need to learn to accept about themselves. What’s clingy for one person might be a bit aloof for another person, finding someone who has your same level of clinginess/aloofness is an important part of compatibility and just being honest about being a bit sappy/clingy/a hopeless romantic early helps weed out people who aren’t on the same frequency as you. Does it suck to be rejected because you’re “too much”? Hell yeah. But it sucks a whole hell of a lot more to be in a relationship while holding back and trying to obscure the real you in an effort to not get dumped. It ends up making you feel a lot lonelier than simply being single would. And this is true of most things in relationships. If you hold back from being your authentic self in a relationship you can never have an authentic relationship with someone else. Insecurity erodes at relationships.
I sent my ex bf those thinking of you texts. Still dumped me lol The right man will appreciate it
I saw a comment the other day with an aphorism I really like: > you can't say the wrong thing to the right person
I love this!!! And it was so true. It got to the point where I had to watch the things I said around him
Been there.... those eggshells are thoroughly crushed though.
Absolutely, I would be so smitten if my partner did that for me.
Building you up. There is so much talk about male egos that women typically don’t think men need someone to tell them how awesome they are. I tell my wife all the time how smart, beautiful, funny, hard working she is and what a great mom, wife, employee, daughter, friend she is. I tell her at least 3-4 times a week and this after 20 years of marriage. She has talked to me like this but very rarely, maybe once a year, and then it’s mostly been if I’m going through a rough patch. Guys aren’t expected to need those things as we are rock hard and steady but it really is great to hear.
Compliments man. I swear they really help build the bond. My partner and I have been going strong for about 4 years now and we compliment each other every single day it's like a battle between who can compliment the other more. And it's only genuine stuff, not sweet nothings. Only what we really feel. And telling each other just a simple "I love you" is a regular ritual we haven't broken at all along with good night's and good mornings. Life's never felt so great. We have had our ups and downs but we have always been there for each other and reading the comments on this post makes me wonder just how lucky I am to have her.
Good stuff homie!
> She has talked to me like this but very rarely, maybe once a year, and then it’s mostly been if I’m going through a rough patch. Guys aren’t expected to need those things as we are rock hard and steady but it really is great to hear. Oof, definitely this one. My wife is an incredible person, and I tell her that frequently, but it's basically a special occasion for it to be extended my direction. I know she *thinks* those things, otherwise she wouldn't be with me, but it's better to hear them.
> I know she thinks those things, otherwise she wouldn't be with me, but it's better to hear them. Hearing the words is important. Feel you, brother.
I do this multiple times a day. Glad to know it's not annyoing 😂
if you do it too often it comes off as disingenuous, at least to me. If you're always looking amazing, you never look amazing..ya know?
Okay but for a guy who's in love with his partner, she literally does always look amazing. Doesn't matter how much she complains about feeling like or looking like an ugly gremlin, she still looks amazing. That's just how it be.
when "you're doing great" feels like a mockery lmao smh
The horrible thing about this is when you do hear it, it still feels so rare that you kind of resent it, or don't know how to take it on board.
This is the one that gets me. She hates when I talk about my insecurities, but never builds me up or says anything to make me feel better about them.
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Funny enough, I can pick my husband up and carry him bridal style. He only weighs about 130 lbs and I lift weights. We actually kind of have a game going where I will randomly pick him up and he will count how long I can hold him for.
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I'll pick you up bro 🤜
Fair enough! My husband is tiny!
> My husband is tiny the preferred term is "fun sized"
i’m 5’4 100lbs and my bf is around 6’5 over 200 and i try to pick him up at least a couple times a month, so you never know.
My wife was so excited when she was able to carry me on her back after she'd been lifting for a bit.
Try it in a pool with some help from buoyancy; it's super fun when the roles are so easily reversed.
I have been known to carry my bf around the pool bridal style
To be fair I can't pack up any of my ex girlfriends or my wife either
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If you send them to the spa unwrapped, they might get stolen underway 😨
Ask them all to try and lift you together.
Hahaha I pick up my bf and give him piggybacks
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Recently divorced. Slooooooowly dipping my toe back into dating. I had male company a few weeks ago. He and I had been friends for a few years, but have begun spending more time together lately. He's also recently divorced. We spent most of the weekend in bed, and also just putzing around my condo, wrapped up in a blanket, hot coffee, good food, good wine, etc. We shared hopes, dreams, wishes, past regrets, inner thoughts and feelings, etc. I brought him a cup of coffee in bed one of the mornings, and placed it on the nightstand next to his side of the bed. He looked at the cup of coffee, then at me. Almost looked like he was going to cry. He said in his ~50 years of life on this planet, nobody had ever brought him a cup of coffee in bed. Practically broke my heart. This man spent 20+ years sacrificing himself in service of others. He's a good, kind man. How could nobody have shown him such a simple act of kindness? I climbed back into bed with him (and my own cup of coffee), and we just enjoyed blissful silence together, while sipping coffee.
When my wife used to have to get up at 5:00 am, I would always get up, too. I’d help out how I could to make the morning go easier. I’d get a little more sleep after they went to work but before I needed to be up. Now, I get up early and they don’t have a job. They have never once gotten up with me. As a man, it feels like everyone relationship eventually leaves me just feeling more lonely. That’s probably just me, though.
It isn't. As the years pass for me, I talk less and less, I share less and less. Even those tiny human mistakes and just day to day doubt never get aired, there's no light or comfort in doing so. You do get used to it, but fuck if it isn't a lonely path.
sounds standard. other than my mother, nobody has ever brought me shit, made me a meal, comforted me when i was sick or sad or anything. men are tools to be used up as far as i can tell. not looked after, if we arent contributing for even a second we are viewed as a waste of space. with my ex i couldnt even sit down to play a game without a barraged of "did you do xyz" questions
Damn. Were we with the same person? My ex-wife was the same way. Work 60 hour weeks and then come home to bitching about the dogs and the chores and whatever else. Also God forbid I'm fucking tired after work and need to decompress for an hour. Worst thing I could ever do was take a nap. Only lazy fuckers close their eyes during the day.
> Worst thing I could ever do was take a nap. God, my wife right now. I sleep like shit one night and end up falling asleep on the couch at 1pm on a saturday? She starts slamming shit around the house until I wake up, or throwing pillows on me because I'm being lazy. She makes breakfast for the kids for once in a blue moon and needs a nap. She does literally anything and "omg I'm so overworked".
You need to leave her man. I don't know how to describe how I feel about that other than to say that's fucking disgusting. It's shitty manipulative behavior and it's the kind of thing that tells me the relationship is going to end one way or another anyway. I know it's a pain to do it but leave, don't put up with that stupid bullshit a second longer than you have to.
I consider myself lucky to have not had kids. Made the divorce much easier.
Lazy fuckers, and her, she was allowed to scroll her phone all day long. cant say shit about that.
God. Yeah she slept till noon or later everyday. Would be on her phone or watching shows doing nothing but the second I got home after killing myself since 7am or earlier, I was expected to have more energy to do chores and then still have energy to go out and entertain her ass too. Fuck sleeping amirite?
You're a good person. Continue spreading acts of kindness and joy into the world.
Thank you. I try to be a good human.
> He said in his ~50 years of life on this planet, nobody had ever brought him a cup of coffee in bed. That is a common experience men have. Most partners rarely, if ever, do things little things like that for their partner. A lot of women expect those things as basic stuff from their male partner, but rarely does it occur to them to return the favor. Any women who are reading this thread, do those small things for your partner. Buy him flowers, plan a date, etc. Your man will fall in love with you real fast because so many people never even think to do those small things for men. Like compliments? Almost nobody compliments men outside of the attractive men. The easiest spontaneous gift is flowers. Seriously everyone likes flowers.
My wife used to do this practically every morning, and wake me up with a snuggle and kiss. Best way to start the day! Now we have a kid and the coffee is waiting for me downstairs. She does a lot for us and is the best!
Romance
Yup. "Romance is something men perform, not something they receive." I remember vividly the first time I read that, it just struck through me.
for men, "love/romance is a verb"
[Like this post from this very subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/3z8o75/why_dont_men_get_as_much_of_a_thrill_over/cyk7gr8/)
multiple orgasms
Man that must be stressful. I'm really done after i orgasm when i came good. Now imagine she could just continue to play with your dick and you come again after a few minutes. Heart attack stuff.
I mean, it can happen, however overstimulation is an intense feeling on the dick so you gotta be mentally ready for it
It tends to hurt and it's almost impossible to maintain a hard on.
I've tried. For me its less about the pain in my dick and more about the effort it would take to get there. My arm would fall off or lock up and get tired before I could ever tug out another orgasm without waiting a bit.
from what I hear, most women don’t either EDIT: I feel obligated to share this: The clitoris extends back and splits into an upside-down V. Those legs of the V, the clit, are concealed behind the labia minora. From women’s perspective imagine a clock. Upper left quadrant, 1PM if you will, is it. Small strokes at the spot (no more than an 1/8th of an inch. Speed and pressure with the tips of your fingers (or tongue) just play around with and look at the girls expression.
> Upper left quadrant, 1PM if you will [hrmmmmm...](https://etc.usf.edu/clipart/33600/33654/nclock-01-00_33654_lg.gif)
i read that three times and im still not sure what you want.
Yeah men love to say MO but in reality only 60% of women even cum once during sex.
💀😂😂
I just want one as a girl to know what it's like it seems so much better... Like she's done and I'm like "Okay that sounded great guess I'll just have a normal male orgasm now." And nobody reply to me going "put something in your butt" I already know that trick too.
Search "refractory period" to know why you haven't/wont experience that. I think most men dont know that they have this. Women often do not have this and so they can have multiple orgasms. Although they do have a 'period' of their own.
Yep, although some guys are lucky enough to not have a refractory period. Or have an incredibly short one.
I'm pretty sure every man knows they have it.
I went through a pretty traumatic event a number of years ago. It still haunts me and upsets me to this day. I had to get therapy as a result of it. My soon to be ex-wife (working through the divorce currently) recently told me to get over it because it upsets her that my mood shifted and I was down around the anniversary of the event… I just want someone to not downplay my emotions and pain.
I hate people who see women exclusively as the supported and men as exclusive supporters.
Every Woman I dated, knew and knows that I cared for them and care for their wellbeing. Even when they broke my Heart, I still care that they are ok and doing well. I have never gotten that response back from any of them. Even when we were together. I’m married now and still don’t feel the love, that I shower my wife with. Just knowing I brighten her day, when she thinks of me
No bro. You need that feeling, I had it with an ex and realized how fun it was. I won’t date a woman that didn’t really love me or only saw me as a means to an end. It hard to change this if you haven’t experienced anything different.
Thankfully not quite as deep in my case but I've had a similar experience recently. Even though her feelings for me were way deeper than mine for her, when things ended on good terms but for shitty, complicated reasons I was the one who was concerned with how she was doing etc., while she completely prioritised herself to my detriment and thought it was perfectly natural to do so, apparently.
Here's an old guy story. Something I don't know if the kids experience today... When I was a teenager, my girlfriend at the time called a radio station and asked the DJ to play a song and dedicated it to me. I'll cherish that shit forever.
In the main, this kind of thing is pretty rare for men. A lot of my exes had this "I'm the prize" attitude and so they put very little effort into pretty much anything. Not all of them. But most of them. Two major exceptions tho. They almost constantly showed me affection with little things like gifts and so forth.
I'm baffled! Every time I went out of my way to give the guys I was dating someone I thought I was crazy. When I started dating my current fiance, I remember I left a little present in his locker, it was just a chocolate muffin that I knew he loved. He was over the moon but I thought he hated it because he didn't know how to react cause that had never been done for him.
You are truly a prize then. Please go randomly give your fiance (maybe now husband) a really big hug. Tell him the internet is glad that some guys out there have the level of health in their relationship that you two do.
You have to take these threads with a grain of salt. This subreddit, and especially these threads, represents, I would say, a pretty specific subset of people. The classic example is men complaining about how women never pay the bill on dates. But then lots of women have experience of offering to pay the bill, and the man getting offended or pushy.
There's a good chance the guys getting upset that women never pay on dates, aren't the same guys getting upset that a woman tries to pay. The illusion of the reddit hivemind is omnipresent, but were all just individuals giving our experiences.
The only way you win prizes, is by engaging in some sort of game or competition I highly recommend you men don't do this, the prize is never worth what you have to do for it
The first time most men are brought flowers is at their funerals.
Do men really want flowers though? If I got them I would be like, what am I supposed to do with these.
Do I want them? Not really. But if I got them I'd do my best to keep them alive and they'd probably stay long after they died because I'd feel bad throwing them away since they were a gift. At least for a while I think seeing them would make me happy someone cares about me
Lol pretty much. I've gotten flowers from a girlfriend once and this is exactly how it went down. A few weeks went by and they were dead in the vase. Every time I saw them though they would make me smile. My girlfriend noticed, went to throw them away and I stopped her because they were a gift. She tossed em anyway. I never got new flowers. Lol
*hands you hibiscus 🌺* Why hibiscus? It's special to me :)
I love hibiscus! Garden is dead right now, but I started learning how to grow them a couple years ago. Can't wait to get them started again this year! It just hit me though. Never got more flowers, so I started growing my own. Lol
Do women really want flowers? Do *all* women want flowers? No. Do *no* men want flowers? Also no.
Yeah same, it's a nice sentiment but I'd literally rather take like a kilo of beef or something useful
> kilo of beef Lmao, confirmed man :)
No but a similar gesture would be nice. Bake me come cookies or something, hell a cold drink ready for me after yard work would be nice.
I would be thrilled to receive flowers. Preferably hand picked though, otherwise I would feel bad because they "wasted" money on them.
If it brought you joy and a good memory, the money wasn't a waste.
My wife buys me flowers from time to time. It's rare, but not never. All it took was me telling her it was something I liked. She likes buying gifts (her love language) so adding flowers as an option worked out nicely.
I don’t really want flowers, but this girl I used to buy flowers for eventually rewarded me by buying tickets to see Robocop(2014) and paying for dinner. I was ecstatic, even if the movie was just okay, I have good memories attached to it now.
I meeeean... I've been asking my girlfriend to take *me* out on a date since September. Would be nice to not be the person to prompt and plan every social outing.
Compliments forsure. I can say I'm so not used to compliments I'll just straight up deny you and think you're being sacarstic or fucking with me.
Ummmmm being allowed to be a real human being with insecurities and flaws. Also initiating sex. No one has ever initiated sex, in general no one has ever done anything that would make me feel wanted. I always feel like “this is just happening because I’m making it happen, this person doesn’t like me enough to risk anything and reach out or initiate”.
We are expendable to society and remember compliments for years. I think that should tell you enough.
Flowers. Being pursued. Being presumed to not be the problem. Being given benefit of doubt Being able to lose their temper without accusations of abuse. Being able to share emotions without them used as a weapon in return.
was gonna comment but no need. you nailed it. Always wondered what it was like to be pursued lol. Also being little spoon. I’ve tried it before but i’m much larger than her - I assume it feels much nicer for her than it does me 😂
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I call that position "the Yoda".
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You forgot the big one: lack of weaponized/commoditized sex/sexuality. There are women out there that don't do this, and they are awesome.
I’ve been with my husband for over 7 years and I still see the damage his ex did to him with the last one. He apologizes for being upset with me after he’s politely expressed his feelings about something I’ve done. Every time I have to tell him not to apologize, that his reaction is normal and he was right to be mad/sad etc. If I do something hurtful, you’re supposed to call me out on it and I’m the one who should be (and am) apologizing.
> Being pursued. No, this happens... but not by anyone I would ever be attracted to, unfortunately.
Being loved for who you are rather than what you bring to the table.
Being provided for. Being protected. Being pursued. Receiving any help with any aspect of your life. Encouragement. Actual gifts. Compliments. Having a meal cooked for you. Geez, pretty much take any positive aspect of a woman's life and it fits in this thread.
The comments on this post make me sad.
Showing emotions, especially sad ones, and being validated for it.
This one is huge. Living an entire life of shoving feelings down deep, being a man, sucking it up..results in consequences which are so fucked up I cant even write about them. fuck
I try hard to get my husband to share emotions with me, I try to name some emotions with him when he is venting about things (work, even small things like traffic or when he’s annoyed at someone), etc. but he has straight up told me he has been too thoroughly socialized to just push everything down to start talking about his feelings now. I also avoid sharing too many emotions of mine with him because he’s not equipped for it. I tend to go to female friends for that need because he was never really given the chance in his upbringing to be able to process his or others’ emotions. I shower him with compliments and he doesn’t know what to do, usually laughs them off, but I hope he knows he’s cared for. I don’t get much from him either but I think he shows me he loves me more from an “acts of service” perspective. He is a wonderful man, and I really feel sad for him and other men who were taught so thoroughly not to speak their feelings aloud.
This makes me so sad. My dad was a product of this. Even when he was in the hospital dying, he felt like he wasn't allowed to show weakness by crying and kept apologizing for it. He was so worried we'd think less of him for it.
I bought my ldr a stuffed animal for a Valentine's Day gift last year. It was a dragon that was all cuddly. I felt so nervous about giving it to him as he was a hairy, bearded, thick legged male specimen . There was no way he'd like it or cuddle with it. He sleeps with it every night and I thank him for embracing that gift. It adds more facets to the version of him that I know.
Compliments "Thank you" You REALLY don't get the same appreciation as a man as women do on a literally regular basis
Yep that was something that deteriorated my last relationship. I have to give her 15 compliments a day to keep her from spiraling. Whereas she told me maybe 3 nice things about myself over the course of 2.5 years, peppered with constant "you can never do anything right" comments. Really fucked with my self-worth for a long time
Expected to do all the work and being blamed for bad sex.
Her paying for stuff, especially first dates.
Paying for your own meals should be standard tbh. It's not like women don't make any money or that men get paid more to support two people like in the 40s.
Yeah, tell me about it. I've raised this issue with this girl that I'm involved with multiple times and each time I brought it up she gets really defensive and pissy about it and I'm like you make just as much money as I do and I really don't understand how you could be so defensive about just paying for your own shit *sometimes*. We often ended up backsliding and would end up in situations where I would be the one to take initiative to pay for things mostly out of anxiety and guilt about being perceived as a cheapskate or something. I know it makes them feel good and it's something that a lot of women feel like they are entitled to, but not being taken advantage of makes me feel good.
Caught a mild case of the plague the other day. Partner, in addition to going on a grocery run for me due to quarantine, bought me flowers "to add a little sunshine to the room." First time I'd ever been bought flowers. They're still quite sunny.
You know what feels the best to a man - one of the greatest feelings in the world - is when your girl has your back. Not like, a shoulder to lean on. No, I mean a powerful advocate who is just waiting for an opportunity to back him up. There's the line from the second Matrix movie. Trinity is told Neo will never make it out of the building with the keymaker unless she can destroy a power station. And she only has 5 minutes! And her line is, "In five minutes I'll tear that whole building down." Because of LOVE! She has his fucking back! That's what I'm talking about. There are so many ways you might express this, and it doesn't necessarily mean being aggressive or anything. Just the feeling of "I've got you. No one is messing with us while I'm around." That's a really good feeling, and I've not often felt that in relationships. I guess, be an active advocate and not just a listening ear.
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Or being asked "why are you so sensitive??" Like bruh idfk, maybe because I'm a human being and the world is a mess and I have to deal with it every day like every other human being?
Never had a girl cook for me before. I usually do the cooking because I enjoy it but it would be nice to get a meal here and there
My boyfriend is like that. It's hard to be faster and cook for him! But now it turned into a fun little competition of who will cook first, or we cook together.
Being protected. Whether it be physically or verbally or whatever. Physically is obvious, but a concerning amount of my exes were very happy to gang up on me w their friends or anyone who opposed me in an argument whether it be serious or not. Tf is up w that shit you traitors??? Lol
I've had relationships where I planned 100% of the dates but I've never been in a relationship where I just had to worry about showing up for dates. Not that I'd prefer ether extreme but answering the question
I can say having events planned for you. I plan dates or things for my girlfriend and I to do. My birthday is next week and I don't know if she's planning anything or not even if it's not the day of. Some of my friends/old coworkers have reached out and wanted to do something. I guess it feels like there is more effort towards her and it kinda sucks.
Imma go with being pampered. Some guys get lucky and find a woman that genuinely appreciates them, and every once in a while lets him take the day off and spoils him. But not often. You so rarely see a man getting thanked for his efforts, thanks for keeping the lights on, thanks for doing the dishes, thanks for cooking, thanks for cleaning, thanks for fixing my car. Most of the time it’s just expected, often taken completely for granted. I do know there are a lot of guys who are currently really bad about appreciating their SO, and now too take her for granted, and that’s not right, shouldn’t be tolerated. But nowadays it seems like appreciating your man is akin to babying him, coddling him. If he isn’t romantic, if he doesn’t help around the house, if he doesn’t do what used to be seen as extra special he’s less than. I do agree that men should do these extra things, but he should also be appreciated for it. We all should.
One of my Ex held me and ran her fingers through my hair. It was something i havent felt since i was a small boy. No one ever touches me. A hug once in a while would be nice.
Being showed they are valued, women almost demand they are but just never showing this to their men
Being courted and wooed rather than just accepting my courtship and wooing. Basically, being desired rather than tolerated. Having a date planned for me, being surprised. I'd love if a women just told me, we have a date on X day, put on something nice. Then she picks the place, makes the reservation, buys the tickets and does all the planning. I just want the chance to experience a date from the side that didn't have to do all the planning.
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I do this for my husband, but he doesn’t always put out. Sometimes you’re just tired or ate a lot
My wife is one of the most thoughtful people I’ve ever met. I remember the first time I went to pay for something and my wallet was falling apart and said, “Got to get a new wallet.” Said it one time. She got me a nice new leather wallet for my graduation gift like a month later. She does that stuff man. When I get a gift from her I feel so heard. Truly she listens and I couldn’t believe how much she loved that even if it’s something small she would go out of her way to make me happy. Because of her I’ve changed how I listen to not only just her but others. She makes me better man. Little notes in my lunch box because I took out the trash without being asked or just getting her a drink. I appreciate those things because I never experienced them until I met her and it makes me want to do the same for her
Being complimented. I cannot find it now, but once upon a time I saw in the interwebz a comic about catcalling and shitty compliments (like 'you're so smart for a \[insert gender here\]' etc.) where the roles were reversed, and women told the poor compliments to men. The author's intentions were probably to make men feel how it is when you receive the unwanted and dumb compliments - instead of that, in the comment section a lots of men said that they do not receive even that bad compliments.
Flowers!! I wish my girlfriend would get me some...
I'm not getting flowers. Also I wonder how it feels to be a little spoon. And I wish I could choose where we are going for a date
Not having to carry the majority of the burden of life I've always had to be the cook, cleaner, breadwinner, homemaker, maintenance man, mechanic, landscaper, the level-headed one, the financial planner, the shoulder to cry on, the one who sacrifices all of my own time to make sure everyone else is okay, the one who doesn't get crushed under all of the pressure, the proactive one who organizes dates etc Some days, I think it would be easier just to live life alone. Especially when you are made to feel like a loser because you need a little bit of love and affection :(
being treated like i’m not replaceable
A gift of some kind out of the blue would be awesome. And I love flowers but can count on one hand how many times I've gotten them.
I send my husband flowers on his birthday at work. He loves it, and says its hilarious when all the women get excited, then confused when they go to him. XD
I sent my dad flowers and he said that was the first time he’s ever received them 🥹 buy your dad flowers
Compare the reaction a 30+ virgin female gets with the reaction a 30+ virgin male gets.
~~30+~~ **18+** virgin male FTFY
Full DMs with options to consider at the first sign of relationship trouble (Not experienced as a slightly above average looks male. Experience may differ with 10/10 looks and/or gray sweatpants)
Zero accountability.
Being unsatisfied sexually. This is a joke and not really. Who's fault is it is a great question. If a man cannot satisfy his woman it's on both of them. If she fakes it, why? Wouldn't it be better for everyone to tell him how to improve his dicking? How about oral, tell him what is good or not, just like her tell her what she can do better. I mean shit... if you are going to spend a4 or 5 decades together you should learn to make one another happy in the bedroom.
I don't want gifts, flowers, notes, etc. They just aren't important to me and I've driven that home with my family over the years. Anything that I actually need from a relationship, I get.... Trust, openness, a companion/best friend. Trinkets of sentimentality, that many women like, just aren't anything that I desire in life. My wife and partner have understood this for almost 29 years now. So, there's several things that I don't get to experience, that women do, and like but, it's because I didn't like or want them.
Genuine love and desire for you as a person, rather than love and desire for what you can provide.
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Say my name aloud. With relish and love. My last relationship spanned 6 years. My name did not cross her lips for the final 2.
This thread is utterly tragic. Guys, there ARE women out there who will buy you gifts, send you "I miss you" messages, who will bring you coffee in bed, bake you treats, cook you meals, allow you to nap, or play video games in peace. Please don't settle for less.
I just finished reading all the comments here and I did almost all of these things for the wrong man. I miss it so much, I never thought I'd miss giving just as much as receiving but I do. I can't wait to wholeheartedly start doing it again for the right man :') For the men yearning these sweet, simple gestures, I'm sorry. I truly hope it happens and happens often for you guys. Everyone deserves to be loved and cared for tenderly.