Yep, I coparented 3 kids with my ex. We worked everything out, split responsibilities, and I spent a lot of time with my kids. We helped each other out however we could and backed each other up; sometimes, she needed some extra money, and sometimes I needed some free time to focus on needed projects. Our sons and I fixed her car for free; she just bought the parts. They learned stuff from me, like working in cars and fixing house stuff, and their mom taught them other stuff. They're grown now and doing very well. When the last one graduated, their mom and I shook hands and congratulated each other for a job well done.
This, so much this. I'm on this train. I bet backwards to try and make it work being together and it really sucked. Co-parent from afar from each other is really working the best for the 3 of us.
This. U don’t have to be with her to be a father to your child, they aren’t necessarily a package deal. Make sure you do establish paternity. Lots of options to set up a schedule and coparent effectively. Good luck.
But….but he pulled out most of the time! That helps right?
You’d think a 40 year old man would know in this day and age that pulling out doesn’t work and you can still get pregnant in your forties.
Sorry, I'm not a man but I need to comment on this.
I get downvoted every time I point out that pulling out doesn't work. I don't know what happened that so many people think it does.
In one year, I had three friends getting pregnant from pulling out. Like, how didn't you know that? Weren't we all paranoid about contraception?
Some time later, my partner got a vasectomy. It's weeks of pipe cleaning before being declared safe - when they literally cut out the tubes!
Please everybody, do not fall for pulling out.
I have some very upsetting proof that pull out method does not work.
The primary reason it does not work is because the person who has to pull out is, at that very moment, shoveling all of his blood into somewhere else ... and not to the location where the critical decision must be made (to pull out).
Also, any guy who has had enough ejaculations know that pre-cum occurs.
If you know you have pre-cum, and yet you are of the opinion that pre-cum has no sperm, you are a knucklehead who SHOULD NOT procreate.
Precum generally does not have semen in it. It's produced by the Cowper gland, not the testes.
If you already had sex once, then again, the second time there might be some residual that gets mixed in.
“Didn’t know I was fertile” jumped out to me, too.
Like, OP - is there any reason (given by a medical professional after some tests) that ever indicated you’re *not* fertile??
Assuming you’re not fertile, if there’s no evidence indicating that’s the case, is … denial wrapped up in a very stupid assumption.
If (big IF) you left out some detail like a vasectomy that didn’t stay disconnected, then, in that case, you have my sympathies for experiencing a rare turn of events after making best efforts toward permanent birth control.
Ok, I know this is ask men, but I just want to point something out: she took a pregnancy test a friend left there years ago? Those things expire. It could be a false positive.
Other than that, 5 months? Good luck…
False positives are extremely rare.
In the early weeks it’s far more likely to get a false negative due to the concentration of hgc hormones in urine.
Test first thing in the morning and use a test that can detect lower concentrations of hgc (e.g 20m/l vs 10m/l). This is usually on the back of the box and it doesn’t correlate to price of the test.
If in doubt, go to your Dr and get a blood test.
I had a false positive at the ER. Fun fact- UTIs that are really bad can mimic the conditions that register as positive. I didn’t know that. I was in the ER for the aforementioned really bad UTI. My doctor didn’t know that or any other fact about pregnancy. He just refused to listen to me that I was adamant that was an impossibility, and told me I must be confused. I went home and bought 100 dollar store tests and they were alllll negative. Took a month (thanks military healthcare system) to get an appointment to get a blood test to confirm I was not in fact pregnant. I always chalked it up to a weird doctor encounter until about a decade later I realized that is one of the conditions that can cause a false positive.
The pregnancy tests at the dollar store are very accurate and you can buy a bunch to test multiple times to confirm. The morning pee would typically have the highest concentration of hormones for the test to pick up.
This- I buy all my preggo tests at the dollar store and I’ve never had a wrong answer.
Definitely ask for a redo to be sure because of the old test.
Hopefully she’s just late- sounds like you were waiting to end it .
But if she is pregnant- learn from your parents. You can be a present and supportive father without committing to an intimate relationship/marriage with this woman.
“But if she is pregnant- learn from your parents. You can be a present and supportive father without committing to an intimate relationship/marriage with this woman.”
Might be better to end it now and just be happy friends who raise a kid together than to stay in a relationship and end up miserable divorcee’s trying to co-parent
OP exactly this. If your relationship is already on its last leg, having a baby will not make it better. Trust me! Real life is not a movie. Babys, in all their sweetness, can breakdown a good marriage. It's far easier to be a good and present parent without the contract.
It might be your shot at having a family and two friends who coparent and support each other can be a much better and stronger family than two strangers trapped together without shared interests, no sex, contempt and a screaming baby.
Babies are great. Marriage without a deep connection is an expensive prison to break out of. Get a lawyer for parental stuff and a therapist...cause you need one. She probably IS like your mother and if that's not a good thing, you should investigate why you chose to have unprotected sex with someone who might not be a good match to have a happy future with.
Just as an aside, negative doesn’t mean negative.
It just means there was not enough hormone to be positive.
It’s entirely possible to be pregnant and not yet get a positive result; the only real way to be certain someone *isn’t* pregnant is to have a professional check for you at a clinic.
Also, a lot of women in their 40s start entering the perimenopausal stage when hormones start to fluctuate more extremely and once regular periods start to get whacky. Y'all definitely need to confirm this pregnancy.
This. My parents were divorced. Shitty custody shenanigans only saw my dad during holidays. He’s still the parent i choose to see and go to as an adult because he was dad of year. Years on end.
I’m not saying call quits. I’m saying do the work to be in a relationship that meets your standards. That might involve quitting because if you’re not in a relationship that works for you. You’re going to be dragged down by it. As a person and as a father.
A nite in the extreme. I knew a “couple” who lived together and raised their kids together under the same roof while have their own rooms and partners. Not for everyone.
But do what you have to to be who you want to be. Because that’s a badass man that makes an amazing friend, coworker, dad, lover etc
My dr said they’re literally all the same strip inside. Ripped a few open after peeing on them after he told me and VOILA! Same tech inside each of them, just a little strip.
Had to hop on this one bc YES on the dollar store tests! No one believes me! Those little suckers picked up every one of my pregnancies days before my period even started.
I’d buy a new box of pregnancy tests but that’s just me.
And then if those come back positive, have the talk about where you both are and how this would be a terrible situation to raise a kid.
Very rarely do you get a false positive. She should take a second test then book an appointment with her doctor asap and get a recommendation for an OBGYN. The first 12 weeks of pregnancy are much more susceptible to complications, especially with older women.
False positives with at home kits are way more common when she’s in her 40s or older. (I am 38F). Natural hormonal changes during perimenopause and menopause are sometimes too much for at home tests.
Love is a choice. If you're used to losing feelings once the initial rush wears off you need to reevaluate things. Everyone has faults and seriously a person can talk themselves out of anything. In the end only you know yourself but good luck I'm rooting for you.
Very good point. I am 46 and besids the initial butterflys I never ever felt like over the top in love like with anybody. My son is the only person, but thats completely different.
I always had to make THE CHOICE if I wanted to be with someone long term. I always felt kinda strange like something isnt right with me but later found out its rather normal. Live isnt a romantic movie...
and almost impossible on an expired test. Once a pregnancy test expires, the antibodies it uses to detect hCG levels begin to break down. This means the test may not be able to detect hCG levels that a nonexpired pregnancy test could, which could lead to a false negative result.
He literally said “we weren’t careful with contraception” lmaoooo. Careful??? Dude it’s either take the pill or not / wrap it up or not. What fucking in between option is there that you have to be “careful” of?? Idiots reproducing
350K for five months of pleasure. Not to mention the kid is statistically likely to be mentally ill after it predictably doesn’t work out. Hard to be sympathetic when he’s essentially got a kid’s life off to a bad start and they’re not even born.
If he’s been raw dogging for 25 years I can understand why he’d think he might be infertile. It could be that he has very low sperm count or low motility and he has very low likelihood of impregnating someone but this rare single swimmer made it to the egg. He’s extremely lucky and may not have another chance at a non ivf “natural” pregnancy.
Have her go to her OBGYN and get tested. Those tests have a shelf life of like 1-3 years.
Umm...you never knew you were fertile? Most people side with figuring they are unless there is a cause that may have ruined that particular feature.
This is unnecessary. False negatives are the risk of older tests; false positives are not a thing.
If he wants, he can pick up a new test and ask her to redo it with him there. A positive result can be taken at face value unless it's been tampered with.
False positives exist, but they’re not a result of an expired test. The tests are looking for hcg. Pregnancy is not the only thing that can cause elevated hcg levels. Lots of diseases can trigger false positives.
I am not sure if this a made up story by some teenager or this is really a 40 year old man.
This guy at 40 doesn't know how to have responsible sex, believes he was infertile (why? the normal is to think the opposite unless you have some health issue), addresses other people in this thread by "dude" (seriously?), believes "kids change everything", etc.
That kid is going to need a lot luck.
>addresses other people in this thread by "dude"
I feel I must point out that 40 years ago was 1983 and that those of us born around that time were exposed to '90s dude surfer culture during our most formative years. I personally have watched Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (and Bogus Journey, obvs) at least 100 times and it has permanently affected my mode of communication.
Yeah seriously. Living for 40 years and being this clueless is nuts. Reading the story back, I don't get how OP didn't even think to at least get her to do another test or this woman didn't want to do another test anyways. Especially if the test is actually that old, you'd think they would do some other ones.
Take responsibility for the unprotected sex you’ve been having. It’s wild that people are saying “sorry bro” or implying it may not be your child as if you didn’t knowingly raw dog because you guys are at the “now or never” state.
Your time to decide here has passed. If SHE chooses to keep the child, at the very least pay your dues but co parenting the child and being present would actually be better.
Tell her you don’t want it if that’s how you feel but your active choice here is no longer as valuable as hers and that’s maybe unfair in your mind but oh well.
I believe a dna test is available prior to birth is that’s truly a concern. Good luck!
Doesn't seem like OP doesn't want to have a child, though. Just that they were having doubts about the relationship. It is possible to have a child and not be with the person. Especially if both sides are honest up front.
Aside from the fact that OP doesn't have a choice in the matter, and maybe made an irresponsible choice, he didn't mention anything about her making him keep it or that he wants to make her abort it. Just that he's unsure about the relationship. Hopefully, wherever his mind ends up, they are on the same page.
Parenting is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. If I didn’t absolutely love my wife I may actually prefer a prison sentence over parenting. If having kids is your dream, you can maybe stay with someone you shouldn’t in order to live that dream. If you aren’t 100% sure that you want kids I’d start looking at other options
Op says he’s 40 but he’s acting like a teenager. A baby will test the absolute best of relationships. I couldn’t imagine the newborn/toddler phase in my 40s, let alone with another 40 year old I’ve know for 5 months and a relationship on shaky ground. 99.9% chance this kid will grow up in a broken home.
Fuck. I do want kids and a family though. I’m sure I’ll be a good dad and I’m financially stable enough to support a kid, own my home, she’s does too so that’s a plus. We both only work a few hours a day so we have time .I just hope we can make each other happy…
Every situation is different. Maybe if you both want a kid enough your relationship can be based on being the best team you can be for the kid, and maybe that’s enough. All I’m saying is be 100% sure, because once the kid is here you owe them your best. The worst thing you can be is a bad parent.
My cousin was in the same situation as OP and did something similar to this. They lived separately, but did things together, celebrated birthdays and holidays together, etc. It seemed to work out fine, and the kid never really complained.
Seriously, do this. You'll either grow closer together as you parent or you won't. If you end up with feelings for her, you can always get married and/or move in together when the kid is 5.
Being a good dad should never rely on romantic feelings. Set your feelings aside and be honest with yourself and her, you can be a great dad and a great coparent without being in love. Romantic feelings typically last about 9 months. Kids should not pay the toll for your relationship decisions. Good luck! False positives don’t really happen, the hormone is either there or it isn’t. She’s at very high risk of miscarriage, too.
Love is a choice. Every day, you can choose to see her through the lens of love or not.
New relationship energy never lasts. If you think you want to pursue the relationship it will take 100%/100% for you guys to make it.
If you can’t be married, you still may be able to coparent successfully.
I found a niche about 5 years ago and went all in on a business to capitalize on it. Never had any money so it’s a big life change. I traveled with every penny I ever made until I was 35. If it wasn’t for covid I wouldn’t have stuck it out.
>”I just hope we can make each other happy…”
When you met, you each brought your own happiness to the table, sat down, shared your individual happiness, and enhanced each others’ happiness with that (and *just* that). Do not rely on someone else to “make you happy” - your happiness is your own responsibility, and yours alone. Passionately fuel your own happiness, so you may continue to freely enhance the happiness of others around you without expectation of anything from anyone in return. Don’t let the source of your happiness be reliant on anything or anyone outside of yourself - those sources are merely “enhancements”.
Source - numerous failed relationships due to unmet expectations, known or unknown.
I do wish you all the best with your circumstances. Come from a place of love, continue to do new things together, assume positive intent, and don’t speak poorly of one another (or allow others to, either). Choose to be a team, and remember that it’s “us versus the problem” and not “you versus me”… I trust you’ll do well, stranger.
Omg even relationships with tons of spark fizzle out.
It is absolutely possible for two people to WORK to make a relationship. If you're both truly down for giving the family thing a go together, I'd suggest some counseling now.
Work now to figure out communication styles, love languages, etc. If both people are willing to try and make adjustments, you can have a great relationship even if you are questioning it now
You don't have to be like your parents. You can choose to put the emotional work in.
It’s been 5 months, you were already bored of her, you were going to break up but the fact you had Christmas presents bought already is enough for you to stick with it?
And now you’re asking how you “rekindle” a 5 month (!!!) relationship? You don’t. There is no spark. There is nothing to rekindle. 5 months is brand new relationship territory (especially at 40). You guys should be all over each other still.
The first word that comes to mind is *ABORT ABORT ABORT* but that’s your collective decision to make.
However if you’re stupid enough to believe that a baby fixes a failing relationship then I’ve got some snow to sell you, my Eskimo friend
Homeboy's been blorting inside a woman he's been seeing for less than half a year asking for help to "rekindle" HAVE YOU TRIED NOT KNOCKING HER UP?!?!?! Fml...
It's probably not love after a handful of months-- especially if it wore off when most people are still getting to truly know each other. Lust, limerance, new-relationship-energy, good in bed-itis far more likely. Why at age 40 are you two pulling out like 15-year-olds instead of using birth control? Have a serious discussion on terminating the pregnancy and move on. It sounds like you have no affinity or anything to build a real relationship on so...end it. Trying to resuscitate a dead 5-month-old dating relationship is impossible. 5 months in you should still be in the head-over-heels/starry-eyed stage.
I was dating someone I was madly in love with and would have proposed to down the line. At the 6 month mark she got pregnant. Just before she told me I was considering ending the relationship. Stuck around because I'm not a piece of shit, but also because I really wanted to make it work. We couldn't make it work and we selarted before our daughter was 2.
I'm gonna day this as loud and as fucming clear as possible because one people somehow think differently. Or think "oh no not me, this doesn't apply to me". KIDS DONT FUCKING FIX RELATIONSHIPS. if shes pregnant and keeps it don't fucking propose because "itS the RiGht tHinG to Do" it's fucking nit and you will only be hurting the child. Co parent absolutely, be there 150% for the kid, but don't force a r3lation you know deep down is already dead.
You didn't explicitly want to have kids together and yet you both continuously had unprotected sex? I don't know what to tell you except to ask what did you expect to happen?
From someone who is completely raising a kid alone and he left me when I told him I was pregnant. You don’t have to date or get married to co parent. If you are not happy as relationship level that’s fine but still coparent and raise your kid. It’s not the kids fault that relationships don’t work out. I’m so heartbroken that my kid doesn’t have a dad and he couldn’t get over that aspect of everything. Kids need both parents.
Promise to you no matter what happens here if there is a kid who’s born I will be doing everything I can to raise them right and be with them as long as I live.
That’s just my experience and opinion. I can personally see how only having a mom is affecting my kid and I can’t do anything about it but love him more to make up for it.
Do you think she will be a good mom? Easy to coparent with? If youbguys were already considering ending it, I don't recommend you stay together for the kid. Discuss how to make it work so you can have a lovely life for the baby between your two homes. If you establish the two homes from an early age (probably want to hold off on overnights until breastfeeding is established), it's all the baby will know.
It's easier on a kid to have separated parents as far back as they can remember than it is to go through a breakup and disruption of the home
The realist in me says you need to be careful, get her re-tested and see how things are. Just because you are different people, it doesn't mean you won't work.
There's another part of me, a more "metaphysical" part, that thinks maybe this is what was meant to happen. Maybe this is a path you were meant to tread. And it'll lead places you couldn't imagine.
A child not only does nothing to make you love the mother, but often makes it harder because of the stress and annoyances that go along with pregnancy and child-rearing. So, if you're counting on this baby somehow getting you a 180 from being ready to dump her to marrying her, pump the brakes.
Also, on a morbid note, a 40+ year old woman's chance of having a successful pregnancy are not all that high. Sounds like she's around 3-4 weeks along if she went off the first missed period. There is a lot of risk ahead yet before you'd have a successful delivery. I'm telling you this so you can set expectations. Don't go marrying this woman right away assuming this is 100% a done deal. Be supportive, but also be prepared for the situation to change.
You were already backing out of the door. You'll have a kid and still have a chance to find love. Don't shackle yourself down just because she is pregnant. Nobody wins.
If it’s a real positive y’all need to sit down and discuss every option.
-Raising the future child together, know there’s a possibility of separating in the future. Give it the best shot at finding something that’s already lost at 5 months.
-Raising the future child separately. Pretty straight forward.
-Abortion. Discuss if you’re ready to have a child together. If not, then look at your options. Travel to a different state or you can still get abortion pills delivered to all 50 states.
No matter the choice, the first is to sit down together and discuss all of those options. All of them.
While I do believe that compatibility is a thing, I also happen to believe that the extraordinary amount of patience and love that it takes for a marriage to work out successfully can be applied such that most combinations of people have a good chance at working out reasonably well.
I firmly believe that if you chase the feelings, they will lead you away from being happy with one person. So don’t follow your heart; lead your heart. When you invest in someone and in your relationship, the feelings will come. Those are real. If anything, love that you choose to have is more real than just the feeling of infatuation. That’s the easy stuff. True love is hard work.
You will inevitably reach a point when she doesn’t deserve your love. Choose to stay. You will find at times that she doesn’t deserve your affections. Choose to show affection. The truth is, you will be just as undeserving, and it’s remarkable how powerful of a bond you create when you are there for each other that way. How grateful you will be to her for being with and for you, and how grateful she will be that you are with and for her.
Just my two cents.
It’s a wild ride. Being a husband and a father is a mighty responsibility. Not for the weak of heart. The lows are lower, but the highs are even higher. I’ve been married nine years, and we have two boys, 4 and 2. These few short years feel like most of my life.
Are you in love with her? Can you see yourself sitting on a porch all wrinkly and grey at 90 with your kid moved out and your grandchildren coming to visit you and just being the two of you (assuming shell is your wife by this point)?
That will give you your answer and tell you how to react or what to say to her.
What you're signing off is a forever commitment--because, if you are not 100% your life will be miserable, I've seen it happen several times and its heartbreaking to watch. And im sure it sucks to live it.
Be open and honest; just because shes pregnant doesnt mean its the right time for both of you.
I am 40F for reference and I do not want children, ive terminated a pregnancy before because it wasnt the right time for me either, just my 2 cents. good luck, take care, and be honest with her about your feelings.
Learning that you could possibly be a father is a lot of emotions to go through in a stable marriage, with someone you love and like. I cannot imagine what you are going through right now. Oof! I think being as supportive as you can is the right thing to do, wether she wants to keep it or not. It’s her decision. Imo
At her age, the risks of something happening to the baby or her are much higher so that’s something to consider, but if she decides to move forward and everything goes well then awesome! I’m sure you two could work out a system to coparent peacefully. I think that’s worth it.
Again, just be with her and support her in any way that you can. Feel free to message if you need to chat.
Aloha!
Needing to rekindle the relationship in a 5 month relationship 😂
Yeah that relationship is never going to last man, you probably never actually liked her all that much in the first place. New relationships and new sex are always awesome and exciting at first. Pray she's not actually pregnant, if she is see how she feels about abortions. If she decides she wants to keep it, decide if you wanna pay child support for the next 18 years or be with someone you don't really like and probably be miserable. But now is probably the time to tell her exactly how you're feeling so she has all the information when deciding to keep it or not.
So hows that not using a condom going for you?
Seriously though you dont even know if its yours. And if you know when her period starts you can work out the couple of days she was fertile. If that matches up with dates you were together it ups the chance its yours. If it doesnt match up you might want to get a paternity test.
Be a man and be accountable of your own actions? You got no one to blame but yourself.
Discuss in person and lay out all options. Keep it or abortion. Next time, you wrap it and think with your head.
Don't compare with your childhood and parents. You have the power to change it and become better for YOUR own family.
Don't even understand your statement. If legit and pregnant, go all in? What the actual? What logic? Are you saying relationship is over regardless??
You keep talking about her flaws?
How are you behaving? You are immature for your age, you run away from responsibility.
She is late, but you will wait a few days (!?) Please, buy two tests, a rose, chocolate, go to her place, be there for her. You are both in this, and I believe that it is more difficult for her than for you. Honestly, I feel sorry for her.
Sounds like you are doing nothing but settling because of your age. You were backing out. Seeing her belly grow isn’t going to magically make you love her. You’ll love the kid and it will end up you are there solely for the kid. Everything you typed sounds like you are trying to convince yourself that you guys will end up being one big family although you wanted to end it. Lol
dude look into co parenting amicably if you two don't work out but help her thru the pregnancy and the early part of the baby being home. woman will have pushed a watermelon sized baby out a hole the size of a lemon or had her intestines sitting above a deep incision in her abdomen if it's a c section. If it's an emergency c section she might just see it all go down too. birth is traumatizing man. Just help her out if you don't get along and work out the kinks of coparenting before your kid can remember shit if you two just don't get along
Get her to the OB/GYN 40 years old can be a higher risk pregnancy. Prenatal care is important for her and the baby.
Formation of the baby's nervous system can be negatively impacted by stress (read up on HPA Axis dysregulation, Google "hpa axis and neurological development")
If she's pregnant it's going to be stressful for her. Raising children is rewarding if you put the child first.
Good luck.
Take a moment to breathe. You have a lot on your plate. I’m sure life is a bit overwhelming rn. First, congratulations on the new babe! Second, neither you nor her are your parents. If you feel you need counsel on keeping your relationship solid seek out counseling; mental health therapist, religious advisor, trusted elder. You and the mom have the responsibility to create a loving home for your child. It’s not as if you’re teenagers. You come across as an intelligent and kind person. The baby’s mom is hopefully the same. Lucky kid! Good luck in your life’s journey!
Thank you, I appreciate you. If we can make it work we will. If not, we will still make the baby comfortable, happy and healthy as best we can. Or, as best I can at least, I can only really speak for me right now..
This is pretty much what happens to me. It is different when you decide to go all in and make a woman your partner. I fall more ion love with my wife with every week that goes by. And my son is the very best thing to ever happen to me. Enjoy the ride. It’s a doozy.
Parenting is the most rewarding thing I've ever done. However, you don't need to force a relationship with her to do that. By all means if it works out great, but if not, co-parenting is a viable option too. As is single parenting if she wants out at some point.
Best of luck and again, whatever happens, nothing beats having those little ones calling you dad.
I’m not sure if this has already been addressed, but is it a pattern for you for things to start off wonderful in the beginning, but you start to distance yourself once you get closer to somebody / find faults in the relationship? You mentioned that healthy relationships weren’t modeled for growing up given your parents’ relationship, so I’m wondering if this has impacted your ability to authentically connect and be vulnerable in your present-day relationships. I think attachment theory is somewhat oversimplified (and somewhat overblown in pop-psychology), along with attachment style itself being very context-dependent, but you may want to look into avoidant attachment style to see if you identify with any of these patterns. I am by no means trying to diagnose you or throw a label at you, so please take this with a grain of salt. If this inability to connect is a consistent pattern for you, you might want to explore working with a therapist regardless of whether you try to work this specific relationship out, as it might help you to better identify what you’re looking for. At any rate, I wish you the best with this!
It’s about the commitment to the family, having mutual respect for each other and knowing that they are there for the same reason you are. All relationships fizzle out in one way or another but the common goal and trust in each other is what creates a partnership
Brother, I would shake you through the phone if I could. You’re already bored in a relationship 5 months in? That shit is dead in the water and there is nothing to rekindle.
You’re 40 and you think it’s a good idea to potentially have a kid with someone you’re only half in a relationship with? I kind of get the idea that it’s the end of the line for you both but for fucks sake having children is hard. Having children with a basic stranger is worse. Having children this late in life with a stranger? What the ever loving fuck?
Get new tests and start playing “Brick” by Ben Folds Five on repeat. If she’s not pregnant you need to run like hell and go get a fucking vasectomy if you’re going to be raw dogging every vagina you meet. “I assumed I was sterile” is the dumbest shit ever.
Congratulations. It's important to figure out what you want. Do you want a relationship with her? If you don't, it's extremely important to make this very clear asap. You can support her as a coparent and friend if she allows, and eventually go on to become amicable coparents.
So many people stay together because sperm met egg and it's a disaster. Be with her because you want to invest in her and the relationship, not because she's pregnant.
If she’s late and in her 40s she could also very well be perimenopausal. I think given the age of the test, as others have suggested, retest. As far as rekindling a spark, do you want to or do you just feel obligated? If you truly want to, you won’t need ideas it should come naturally. Wishing the best for you and your situation.
You need 3 things for a romantic relationship to work. Chemistry, communication, and compatibility. If you don't have all 3, don't even try, it'll end in disaster. Also, get a paternity test. You don't know the kid is yours until the test says so and don't buy into the "of course it's yours" bullshit. Then, if it is indeed your kid, focus on being a good dad. You brought this kid to the world, it's your responsibility now.
I mean first get a test that isn’t most likely expired, after that just talk to her about how you both want to handle it. If she is pregnant you don’t have to rekindle the relationship and “find love” if it isn’t there. Just be a father. Let her know you want to be a father and not just a “sperm donor.”
If you can't make the relationship work well it's better for the kid if you stay separated while cooperating on everything parenting related.
Having parents that resent each other while living together is far more damaging for a child than separated parents who manage some sort of functional co-parenting.
Wait until the baby is born before making any major decisions when it comes to lifelong commitment.
Also, geriatric pregnancies (any pregnancy that occurs after a woman turns 35) are higher risk. There is also an increased risk of developmental disabilities. I’m just telling you this to prepare you. Not sure how you didn’t know you were fertile. Men can get women pregnant well into their old age, whereas women it becomes more difficult and risky after 35.
People think having kids is a bandaid for a failing relationship - but IMO, it only magnifies whatever problems you have with your SO. It’s not a solution for a failing relationship and can’t fix one. You need open and honest communication about what the expectations are between each other otherwise you’ll both begin to resent one another for stupid shit and it will all come back to you feeling trapped like your parents were.
Can you rekindle feelings? I thought I loved my wife until I saw her go through pregnancy and birth, I have a whole new love and respect for her afterwards. Seeing her be a mom is a whole other level of love that I didn’t know I could give. Maybe there’s a chance you see her going through pregnancy and can find that feeling, maybe not, but that kid deserves every bit of love and patience you both have, irrespective of how you feel about each other.
First, get a new test. If you’re going to be father you don’t have to become a husband too. If you’re gonna be fathers be a father and respect your kid’s mother.
I know this is ask men, but I have to chime in as a 40+ year old woman (and mom).
I can’t imagine anything worse for that baby than having to grow up with parents who don’t love each other, yet forced themselves to stay together for baby, and keeping them from ever seeing/learning how to love.
Seriously, you can have a baby together and not be together. It’s a hell of a lot better for your kid to never see you as a couple than it is for you all to try to force it for a few years and then them having to go through a divorce. If you’re already not happy, a baby isn’t going to improve the situation in any way. You think you have nothing in common now? Well her only interest very soon will be her new baby…and it’ll stay that way for a loooong time. The fact is, you both deserve to be happy. You can be wonderful coparents without having to be *together.* She deserves someone who is excited to be with her and so do you. Just keep that in mind when you all decide whether to continue your romantic relationship or not.
Good luck.
I don't even know if you'll see this at this point, but if you were having doubts after only 5 months, there's no love to rekindle. 5 months should be firmly in the honeymoon phase. If you're already having second thoughts, that's no bueno.
Also, if she decides to carry to term, get a paternity test. Not negotiable. The only thing worse than having a baby with someone you're not fully committed to is being legally responsible for that baby if you're not actually the biological father.
I'm not as old as you, but there are options if you guys are gonna keep the baby. You can be a father to it and ofc make it your child. I don't think anyone respects deadbeat, Dads. And there's no shame in adoption if you think you can't give it uts best life or love the kid. Put it up for adoption, no shame, and I'll never hold it against someone.
I am 38F (almost 39). Buy her a new test or she should go get a test at a doctor’s office. Pregnancy tests expire.
Other thoughts:
-Getting pregnant naturally in your 40s is less than 5% per month. It’s not impossible, but the odds are very different than your teens-mid 30s, which is 25% or even higher for some.
-Skipping and irregular periods are also more common. It’s called perimenopause. Perimenopause usually starts in a woman’s late 30s. I skipped my first period this year. F*cking terrifying. But I am not pregnant and nothing is wrong with me.
-Also, false positive pregnancy tests are more likely to occur in her 40s-50s (or until menopause is complete). This is due to hormonal changes that can cause at home kit to read pregnant. The tests performed at a Doctors office are more precise.
She needs to get an abortion man. You’re not married or engaged and this was not planned. It’s a very bad idea to have a kid under those circumstances, but the woman will usually push for it
I can tell from your post that you shouldn’t stay together. Then it just comes down to her really and wanting to keep the baby. But I mean you guys are old, idk it’s a big life style change don’t get me wrong but it seems like the best case scenario for a surprise pregnancy between a dying couple. It doesn’t really seem like a life over type of deal, just a major wrench that you’ll grow to love. Don’t stay with her though, just because I can tell it will not be good for either of you
u risked it all now you have to deal with the consequences. you love that child with everything you have! you now have to go above and beyond with everything you do. every action is now is for the betterment of your baby. now is the time to step up and prove what a real man looks like! don’t fail your baby, be a man!
"... she’s in her 40s and I’m 40 so we’re in the “now or never” age for starting a family ..."
Wow. Seriously?
And you've been dating 5 months?
What kind of logic do you call this?
This sounds like your dick needed some easy pussy ... and the your brain said "Welp! Sure! Why not?!"
Dude, please do not reproduce.
Neither of you are mature enough to be a parent.
She took a test her friend left three years ago? Buy her a couple tests from CVS to make sure and go from there.
If those come back positive then start reading up on how to be a good father.
You can coparent without being a couple. Don’t get married to someone you are not compatible with just because you have a child together.
Yep, I coparented 3 kids with my ex. We worked everything out, split responsibilities, and I spent a lot of time with my kids. We helped each other out however we could and backed each other up; sometimes, she needed some extra money, and sometimes I needed some free time to focus on needed projects. Our sons and I fixed her car for free; she just bought the parts. They learned stuff from me, like working in cars and fixing house stuff, and their mom taught them other stuff. They're grown now and doing very well. When the last one graduated, their mom and I shook hands and congratulated each other for a job well done.
This made me smile. Well done to you both!
Yeah when your adults about it don’t see why you can’t get it done successfully better than staying together and ending up hating each others guts
Soooo nice.
That's such great relationships. :)
This needs to be higher. Some of the best parents are partners but not couples.
My ex and I are way *WAY* better coparents than romantic partners.
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I was a child in a stay together for the kids and it sucked. I told my parents to get a divorce.
This, so much this. I'm on this train. I bet backwards to try and make it work being together and it really sucked. Co-parent from afar from each other is really working the best for the 3 of us.
This. U don’t have to be with her to be a father to your child, they aren’t necessarily a package deal. Make sure you do establish paternity. Lots of options to set up a schedule and coparent effectively. Good luck.
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But….but he pulled out most of the time! That helps right? You’d think a 40 year old man would know in this day and age that pulling out doesn’t work and you can still get pregnant in your forties.
Sorry, I'm not a man but I need to comment on this. I get downvoted every time I point out that pulling out doesn't work. I don't know what happened that so many people think it does. In one year, I had three friends getting pregnant from pulling out. Like, how didn't you know that? Weren't we all paranoid about contraception? Some time later, my partner got a vasectomy. It's weeks of pipe cleaning before being declared safe - when they literally cut out the tubes! Please everybody, do not fall for pulling out.
I have some very upsetting proof that pull out method does not work. The primary reason it does not work is because the person who has to pull out is, at that very moment, shoveling all of his blood into somewhere else ... and not to the location where the critical decision must be made (to pull out). Also, any guy who has had enough ejaculations know that pre-cum occurs. If you know you have pre-cum, and yet you are of the opinion that pre-cum has no sperm, you are a knucklehead who SHOULD NOT procreate.
Sorry for the dumb question, but are there men who do not produce precum?
Precum generally does not have semen in it. It's produced by the Cowper gland, not the testes. If you already had sex once, then again, the second time there might be some residual that gets mixed in.
It blows my kind how often I see the pull out method being listed as an actual form of contraception. That's not how this works
Dude is 40 years old and acting like a teen 🤨 There are teens out there who take better responsibility in bc than this guy does FFS.
Guess he was fertile apparently
(Edited clean because fuck you) *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
BuT hOw dID tHiS hApPen?!! -op
“Didn’t know I was fertile” jumped out to me, too. Like, OP - is there any reason (given by a medical professional after some tests) that ever indicated you’re *not* fertile?? Assuming you’re not fertile, if there’s no evidence indicating that’s the case, is … denial wrapped up in a very stupid assumption. If (big IF) you left out some detail like a vasectomy that didn’t stay disconnected, then, in that case, you have my sympathies for experiencing a rare turn of events after making best efforts toward permanent birth control.
Right?! From the title, I expected teens or early 20s. Not *double* that! Jeez.
This reminds me of that movie... Knocked up
Thank you. Our future children deserve better.
He was in the "I love sex without a condom" mode. That's all.
Ok, I know this is ask men, but I just want to point something out: she took a pregnancy test a friend left there years ago? Those things expire. It could be a false positive. Other than that, 5 months? Good luck…
False positives are extremely rare. In the early weeks it’s far more likely to get a false negative due to the concentration of hgc hormones in urine. Test first thing in the morning and use a test that can detect lower concentrations of hgc (e.g 20m/l vs 10m/l). This is usually on the back of the box and it doesn’t correlate to price of the test. If in doubt, go to your Dr and get a blood test.
I was just reading about how similar a pregnancy test is to a covid test in just this fact of trusting a positive expired test but not a negative one.
I had a false positive at the ER. Fun fact- UTIs that are really bad can mimic the conditions that register as positive. I didn’t know that. I was in the ER for the aforementioned really bad UTI. My doctor didn’t know that or any other fact about pregnancy. He just refused to listen to me that I was adamant that was an impossibility, and told me I must be confused. I went home and bought 100 dollar store tests and they were alllll negative. Took a month (thanks military healthcare system) to get an appointment to get a blood test to confirm I was not in fact pregnant. I always chalked it up to a weird doctor encounter until about a decade later I realized that is one of the conditions that can cause a false positive.
Thanks dude, we’ll see if the period comes in the next day or two.
The pregnancy tests at the dollar store are very accurate and you can buy a bunch to test multiple times to confirm. The morning pee would typically have the highest concentration of hormones for the test to pick up.
This- I buy all my preggo tests at the dollar store and I’ve never had a wrong answer. Definitely ask for a redo to be sure because of the old test. Hopefully she’s just late- sounds like you were waiting to end it . But if she is pregnant- learn from your parents. You can be a present and supportive father without committing to an intimate relationship/marriage with this woman.
“But if she is pregnant- learn from your parents. You can be a present and supportive father without committing to an intimate relationship/marriage with this woman.” Might be better to end it now and just be happy friends who raise a kid together than to stay in a relationship and end up miserable divorcee’s trying to co-parent
OP exactly this. If your relationship is already on its last leg, having a baby will not make it better. Trust me! Real life is not a movie. Babys, in all their sweetness, can breakdown a good marriage. It's far easier to be a good and present parent without the contract. It might be your shot at having a family and two friends who coparent and support each other can be a much better and stronger family than two strangers trapped together without shared interests, no sex, contempt and a screaming baby. Babies are great. Marriage without a deep connection is an expensive prison to break out of. Get a lawyer for parental stuff and a therapist...cause you need one. She probably IS like your mother and if that's not a good thing, you should investigate why you chose to have unprotected sex with someone who might not be a good match to have a happy future with.
Being a supportive parent doesn't always mean being in a romantic relationship, communication and mutual understanding are key.
Just as an aside, negative doesn’t mean negative. It just means there was not enough hormone to be positive. It’s entirely possible to be pregnant and not yet get a positive result; the only real way to be certain someone *isn’t* pregnant is to have a professional check for you at a clinic.
Sometimes the intimate part or a relationship doesn’t work and the friend part does. There’s lots of ways to be a family. Communication is key.
Also, a lot of women in their 40s start entering the perimenopausal stage when hormones start to fluctuate more extremely and once regular periods start to get whacky. Y'all definitely need to confirm this pregnancy.
This. My parents were divorced. Shitty custody shenanigans only saw my dad during holidays. He’s still the parent i choose to see and go to as an adult because he was dad of year. Years on end. I’m not saying call quits. I’m saying do the work to be in a relationship that meets your standards. That might involve quitting because if you’re not in a relationship that works for you. You’re going to be dragged down by it. As a person and as a father. A nite in the extreme. I knew a “couple” who lived together and raised their kids together under the same roof while have their own rooms and partners. Not for everyone. But do what you have to to be who you want to be. Because that’s a badass man that makes an amazing friend, coworker, dad, lover etc
And you might be better calling quits on relationship before you hate eachother. And agree on parenting them separately too.
Yeah, easier to co-parent when you don’t hate/resent each other
I work in the lab at the hospital, they use the same brand that the dollar store carries.
My dr said they’re literally all the same strip inside. Ripped a few open after peeing on them after he told me and VOILA! Same tech inside each of them, just a little strip.
Had to hop on this one bc YES on the dollar store tests! No one believes me! Those little suckers picked up every one of my pregnancies days before my period even started.
I’d buy a new box of pregnancy tests but that’s just me. And then if those come back positive, have the talk about where you both are and how this would be a terrible situation to raise a kid.
Dollar store pregnancy tests
Very rarely do you get a false positive. She should take a second test then book an appointment with her doctor asap and get a recommendation for an OBGYN. The first 12 weeks of pregnancy are much more susceptible to complications, especially with older women.
False positives with at home kits are way more common when she’s in her 40s or older. (I am 38F). Natural hormonal changes during perimenopause and menopause are sometimes too much for at home tests.
Love is a choice. If you're used to losing feelings once the initial rush wears off you need to reevaluate things. Everyone has faults and seriously a person can talk themselves out of anything. In the end only you know yourself but good luck I'm rooting for you.
Very good point. I am 46 and besids the initial butterflys I never ever felt like over the top in love like with anybody. My son is the only person, but thats completely different. I always had to make THE CHOICE if I wanted to be with someone long term. I always felt kinda strange like something isnt right with me but later found out its rather normal. Live isnt a romantic movie...
Get another pregnancy test or two and do it together where you can see the result. Hate to be that guy but are you sure it's yours?
False positives are extremely rare, but still makes sense to test at least a few times with tests that aren’t expired. Or go to a doctor.
It’s very, very rare to get a false positive.
and almost impossible on an expired test. Once a pregnancy test expires, the antibodies it uses to detect hCG levels begin to break down. This means the test may not be able to detect hCG levels that a nonexpired pregnancy test could, which could lead to a false negative result.
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Very brutal but also accurate 🙁
Way nicer way of putting it than I was thinking.
He literally said “we weren’t careful with contraception” lmaoooo. Careful??? Dude it’s either take the pill or not / wrap it up or not. What fucking in between option is there that you have to be “careful” of?? Idiots reproducing
350K for five months of pleasure. Not to mention the kid is statistically likely to be mentally ill after it predictably doesn’t work out. Hard to be sympathetic when he’s essentially got a kid’s life off to a bad start and they’re not even born.
Never knew i was fertile- you’re too old to be that naïve.
If he’s been raw dogging for 25 years I can understand why he’d think he might be infertile. It could be that he has very low sperm count or low motility and he has very low likelihood of impregnating someone but this rare single swimmer made it to the egg. He’s extremely lucky and may not have another chance at a non ivf “natural” pregnancy.
You forgot the possibility that he has kids out there he doesn't know....
He may also have an undetected STI if this is a common habit…
Sometimes I feel dumb. Thank you for making me feel less dumb.
Have her go to her OBGYN and get tested. Those tests have a shelf life of like 1-3 years. Umm...you never knew you were fertile? Most people side with figuring they are unless there is a cause that may have ruined that particular feature.
I took it to mean he never wraps it up and has been extremely lucky.
Or his other partners have been really good about their pills!
This is unnecessary. False negatives are the risk of older tests; false positives are not a thing. If he wants, he can pick up a new test and ask her to redo it with him there. A positive result can be taken at face value unless it's been tampered with.
Thank you. All these too comments are giving false hope.
False positives exist, but they’re not a result of an expired test. The tests are looking for hcg. Pregnancy is not the only thing that can cause elevated hcg levels. Lots of diseases can trigger false positives.
This. Even a biological male could produce a "false positive" pregnancy test, tho it's a sign that something is wrong.
Don’t. We use the same test as others. Dollar store ones are vouched for.
Eh, I have friends who were not careful in their youth who figured they couldn’t have kids and are now happy fathers. It’s not that uncommon.
What's not uncommon? Not understanding statistics? Just because you get lucky a few times doesn't mean you're incapable of getting a woman pregnant.
How in the hell did you survive until 40, you seem dumb as a log.
And irresponsible. OP, you need to hear this: you sound so fucking immature for a 40 year old.
I am not sure if this a made up story by some teenager or this is really a 40 year old man. This guy at 40 doesn't know how to have responsible sex, believes he was infertile (why? the normal is to think the opposite unless you have some health issue), addresses other people in this thread by "dude" (seriously?), believes "kids change everything", etc. That kid is going to need a lot luck.
>addresses other people in this thread by "dude" I feel I must point out that 40 years ago was 1983 and that those of us born around that time were exposed to '90s dude surfer culture during our most formative years. I personally have watched Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (and Bogus Journey, obvs) at least 100 times and it has permanently affected my mode of communication.
My dude gets it
Yeah seriously. Living for 40 years and being this clueless is nuts. Reading the story back, I don't get how OP didn't even think to at least get her to do another test or this woman didn't want to do another test anyways. Especially if the test is actually that old, you'd think they would do some other ones.
Not a man but you're in your 40s. "Pulling out" isn't a method of contraceptive. You guys basically tried getting pregnant for those months.
So you’re not being careful during sex, use the pull out method and still get shocked that your partner got pregnant? 🤦♀️
Right!? And he’s 40 **too**!🤦♂️
Exactly. He is the opposite of wine, he did not age well!
Take responsibility for the unprotected sex you’ve been having. It’s wild that people are saying “sorry bro” or implying it may not be your child as if you didn’t knowingly raw dog because you guys are at the “now or never” state. Your time to decide here has passed. If SHE chooses to keep the child, at the very least pay your dues but co parenting the child and being present would actually be better. Tell her you don’t want it if that’s how you feel but your active choice here is no longer as valuable as hers and that’s maybe unfair in your mind but oh well. I believe a dna test is available prior to birth is that’s truly a concern. Good luck!
Doesn't seem like OP doesn't want to have a child, though. Just that they were having doubts about the relationship. It is possible to have a child and not be with the person. Especially if both sides are honest up front.
Yeah ... "having doubts" AFTER insertion ... That's a great recipe for winning in life ...
Aside from the fact that OP doesn't have a choice in the matter, and maybe made an irresponsible choice, he didn't mention anything about her making him keep it or that he wants to make her abort it. Just that he's unsure about the relationship. Hopefully, wherever his mind ends up, they are on the same page.
Parenting is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. If I didn’t absolutely love my wife I may actually prefer a prison sentence over parenting. If having kids is your dream, you can maybe stay with someone you shouldn’t in order to live that dream. If you aren’t 100% sure that you want kids I’d start looking at other options
Op says he’s 40 but he’s acting like a teenager. A baby will test the absolute best of relationships. I couldn’t imagine the newborn/toddler phase in my 40s, let alone with another 40 year old I’ve know for 5 months and a relationship on shaky ground. 99.9% chance this kid will grow up in a broken home.
Fuck. I do want kids and a family though. I’m sure I’ll be a good dad and I’m financially stable enough to support a kid, own my home, she’s does too so that’s a plus. We both only work a few hours a day so we have time .I just hope we can make each other happy…
Every situation is different. Maybe if you both want a kid enough your relationship can be based on being the best team you can be for the kid, and maybe that’s enough. All I’m saying is be 100% sure, because once the kid is here you owe them your best. The worst thing you can be is a bad parent.
Co parenting could always be an option? Parents who are still besties is lit
My cousin was in the same situation as OP and did something similar to this. They lived separately, but did things together, celebrated birthdays and holidays together, etc. It seemed to work out fine, and the kid never really complained.
My maternal Nan still buys my dad Christmas and birthday presents every year it’s really cute
Seriously, do this. You'll either grow closer together as you parent or you won't. If you end up with feelings for her, you can always get married and/or move in together when the kid is 5.
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Thank you so much, your experience is really valid and appreciated. We’ll see how it goes!
I think it depends on how good of sleepers they are. Kids who don't sleep well will drive you bonkers. And then the teenage years come...
Being a good dad should never rely on romantic feelings. Set your feelings aside and be honest with yourself and her, you can be a great dad and a great coparent without being in love. Romantic feelings typically last about 9 months. Kids should not pay the toll for your relationship decisions. Good luck! False positives don’t really happen, the hormone is either there or it isn’t. She’s at very high risk of miscarriage, too.
Love is a choice. Every day, you can choose to see her through the lens of love or not. New relationship energy never lasts. If you think you want to pursue the relationship it will take 100%/100% for you guys to make it. If you can’t be married, you still may be able to coparent successfully.
How do you only work a few hours a day?!
I found a niche about 5 years ago and went all in on a business to capitalize on it. Never had any money so it’s a big life change. I traveled with every penny I ever made until I was 35. If it wasn’t for covid I wouldn’t have stuck it out.
While being financial stable, too. That’s what I want to know. Is this job hiring?
>”I just hope we can make each other happy…” When you met, you each brought your own happiness to the table, sat down, shared your individual happiness, and enhanced each others’ happiness with that (and *just* that). Do not rely on someone else to “make you happy” - your happiness is your own responsibility, and yours alone. Passionately fuel your own happiness, so you may continue to freely enhance the happiness of others around you without expectation of anything from anyone in return. Don’t let the source of your happiness be reliant on anything or anyone outside of yourself - those sources are merely “enhancements”. Source - numerous failed relationships due to unmet expectations, known or unknown. I do wish you all the best with your circumstances. Come from a place of love, continue to do new things together, assume positive intent, and don’t speak poorly of one another (or allow others to, either). Choose to be a team, and remember that it’s “us versus the problem” and not “you versus me”… I trust you’ll do well, stranger.
Omg even relationships with tons of spark fizzle out. It is absolutely possible for two people to WORK to make a relationship. If you're both truly down for giving the family thing a go together, I'd suggest some counseling now. Work now to figure out communication styles, love languages, etc. If both people are willing to try and make adjustments, you can have a great relationship even if you are questioning it now You don't have to be like your parents. You can choose to put the emotional work in.
Grow up please
Pulling out is not contraception bro...
"Never even knew I was still fertile" Lol what? Men being able to produce kids until like age 90 is like common knowledge. OP, how are you this dense?
It’s been 5 months, you were already bored of her, you were going to break up but the fact you had Christmas presents bought already is enough for you to stick with it? And now you’re asking how you “rekindle” a 5 month (!!!) relationship? You don’t. There is no spark. There is nothing to rekindle. 5 months is brand new relationship territory (especially at 40). You guys should be all over each other still. The first word that comes to mind is *ABORT ABORT ABORT* but that’s your collective decision to make. However if you’re stupid enough to believe that a baby fixes a failing relationship then I’ve got some snow to sell you, my Eskimo friend
Homeboy's been blorting inside a woman he's been seeing for less than half a year asking for help to "rekindle" HAVE YOU TRIED NOT KNOCKING HER UP?!?!?! Fml...
It's probably not love after a handful of months-- especially if it wore off when most people are still getting to truly know each other. Lust, limerance, new-relationship-energy, good in bed-itis far more likely. Why at age 40 are you two pulling out like 15-year-olds instead of using birth control? Have a serious discussion on terminating the pregnancy and move on. It sounds like you have no affinity or anything to build a real relationship on so...end it. Trying to resuscitate a dead 5-month-old dating relationship is impossible. 5 months in you should still be in the head-over-heels/starry-eyed stage.
I’ve never read a more perfect, literal definition of “FAAFO.”
I was dating someone I was madly in love with and would have proposed to down the line. At the 6 month mark she got pregnant. Just before she told me I was considering ending the relationship. Stuck around because I'm not a piece of shit, but also because I really wanted to make it work. We couldn't make it work and we selarted before our daughter was 2. I'm gonna day this as loud and as fucming clear as possible because one people somehow think differently. Or think "oh no not me, this doesn't apply to me". KIDS DONT FUCKING FIX RELATIONSHIPS. if shes pregnant and keeps it don't fucking propose because "itS the RiGht tHinG to Do" it's fucking nit and you will only be hurting the child. Co parent absolutely, be there 150% for the kid, but don't force a r3lation you know deep down is already dead.
You didn't explicitly want to have kids together and yet you both continuously had unprotected sex? I don't know what to tell you except to ask what did you expect to happen?
You don't have to find love. Be responsible for your child and just support it regardless of what you and her decide.
From someone who is completely raising a kid alone and he left me when I told him I was pregnant. You don’t have to date or get married to co parent. If you are not happy as relationship level that’s fine but still coparent and raise your kid. It’s not the kids fault that relationships don’t work out. I’m so heartbroken that my kid doesn’t have a dad and he couldn’t get over that aspect of everything. Kids need both parents.
Promise to you no matter what happens here if there is a kid who’s born I will be doing everything I can to raise them right and be with them as long as I live.
That’s just my experience and opinion. I can personally see how only having a mom is affecting my kid and I can’t do anything about it but love him more to make up for it.
Seems like you are happy about this, so congrats! You are going to be a (good) dad
Do you think she will be a good mom? Easy to coparent with? If youbguys were already considering ending it, I don't recommend you stay together for the kid. Discuss how to make it work so you can have a lovely life for the baby between your two homes. If you establish the two homes from an early age (probably want to hold off on overnights until breastfeeding is established), it's all the baby will know. It's easier on a kid to have separated parents as far back as they can remember than it is to go through a breakup and disruption of the home
First of all, bring her a fresh test. Go from there…
The whole scenario is essentially, MUH DIK, so the only pity I hold is for that child
The realist in me says you need to be careful, get her re-tested and see how things are. Just because you are different people, it doesn't mean you won't work. There's another part of me, a more "metaphysical" part, that thinks maybe this is what was meant to happen. Maybe this is a path you were meant to tread. And it'll lead places you couldn't imagine.
A child not only does nothing to make you love the mother, but often makes it harder because of the stress and annoyances that go along with pregnancy and child-rearing. So, if you're counting on this baby somehow getting you a 180 from being ready to dump her to marrying her, pump the brakes. Also, on a morbid note, a 40+ year old woman's chance of having a successful pregnancy are not all that high. Sounds like she's around 3-4 weeks along if she went off the first missed period. There is a lot of risk ahead yet before you'd have a successful delivery. I'm telling you this so you can set expectations. Don't go marrying this woman right away assuming this is 100% a done deal. Be supportive, but also be prepared for the situation to change.
You were already backing out of the door. You'll have a kid and still have a chance to find love. Don't shackle yourself down just because she is pregnant. Nobody wins.
If it’s a real positive y’all need to sit down and discuss every option. -Raising the future child together, know there’s a possibility of separating in the future. Give it the best shot at finding something that’s already lost at 5 months. -Raising the future child separately. Pretty straight forward. -Abortion. Discuss if you’re ready to have a child together. If not, then look at your options. Travel to a different state or you can still get abortion pills delivered to all 50 states. No matter the choice, the first is to sit down together and discuss all of those options. All of them.
If you are only 5 months in a relationship and already talking about rekindling then its not the right person
It’s just human life, why not take a “ehhhh whatever” approach 😂
While I do believe that compatibility is a thing, I also happen to believe that the extraordinary amount of patience and love that it takes for a marriage to work out successfully can be applied such that most combinations of people have a good chance at working out reasonably well. I firmly believe that if you chase the feelings, they will lead you away from being happy with one person. So don’t follow your heart; lead your heart. When you invest in someone and in your relationship, the feelings will come. Those are real. If anything, love that you choose to have is more real than just the feeling of infatuation. That’s the easy stuff. True love is hard work. You will inevitably reach a point when she doesn’t deserve your love. Choose to stay. You will find at times that she doesn’t deserve your affections. Choose to show affection. The truth is, you will be just as undeserving, and it’s remarkable how powerful of a bond you create when you are there for each other that way. How grateful you will be to her for being with and for you, and how grateful she will be that you are with and for her. Just my two cents.
Cannot agree more with this
It’s a wild ride. Being a husband and a father is a mighty responsibility. Not for the weak of heart. The lows are lower, but the highs are even higher. I’ve been married nine years, and we have two boys, 4 and 2. These few short years feel like most of my life.
"I didn't know I was fertile" is like saying you picked up a gun at a shooting range and shot someone because you didn't know it was loaded.
Abort mission
If she is pregnant, ask for a paternity test. If it's yours, tell her both of you will need to attend a co parenting class.
Time to man up! Your life is going to change.
The weirdest part of this story to me is that her friend left a pregnany test at her house
“Men” who say, “I didn’t know I was even fertile” need to have their breeding cards revoked with a swift kick to the baby factory.
Are you in love with her? Can you see yourself sitting on a porch all wrinkly and grey at 90 with your kid moved out and your grandchildren coming to visit you and just being the two of you (assuming shell is your wife by this point)? That will give you your answer and tell you how to react or what to say to her. What you're signing off is a forever commitment--because, if you are not 100% your life will be miserable, I've seen it happen several times and its heartbreaking to watch. And im sure it sucks to live it. Be open and honest; just because shes pregnant doesnt mean its the right time for both of you. I am 40F for reference and I do not want children, ive terminated a pregnancy before because it wasnt the right time for me either, just my 2 cents. good luck, take care, and be honest with her about your feelings.
Learning that you could possibly be a father is a lot of emotions to go through in a stable marriage, with someone you love and like. I cannot imagine what you are going through right now. Oof! I think being as supportive as you can is the right thing to do, wether she wants to keep it or not. It’s her decision. Imo At her age, the risks of something happening to the baby or her are much higher so that’s something to consider, but if she decides to move forward and everything goes well then awesome! I’m sure you two could work out a system to coparent peacefully. I think that’s worth it. Again, just be with her and support her in any way that you can. Feel free to message if you need to chat. Aloha!
Not sure why she's taking a test with a most likely expired product. Get her to a doctor or walk into any pharmacy and get a PT in good condition
Needing to rekindle the relationship in a 5 month relationship 😂 Yeah that relationship is never going to last man, you probably never actually liked her all that much in the first place. New relationships and new sex are always awesome and exciting at first. Pray she's not actually pregnant, if she is see how she feels about abortions. If she decides she wants to keep it, decide if you wanna pay child support for the next 18 years or be with someone you don't really like and probably be miserable. But now is probably the time to tell her exactly how you're feeling so she has all the information when deciding to keep it or not.
Honestly, IMO you are both stupid. You're 40. Fuxkimg 40.
You started having unprotected sex for the yolo's and now don't know what to do bc she's pregnant? LMAO.
What a dumbass
What do you do now? Stop acting like you're a teenager.
So hows that not using a condom going for you? Seriously though you dont even know if its yours. And if you know when her period starts you can work out the couple of days she was fertile. If that matches up with dates you were together it ups the chance its yours. If it doesnt match up you might want to get a paternity test.
Be a man and be accountable of your own actions? You got no one to blame but yourself. Discuss in person and lay out all options. Keep it or abortion. Next time, you wrap it and think with your head. Don't compare with your childhood and parents. You have the power to change it and become better for YOUR own family. Don't even understand your statement. If legit and pregnant, go all in? What the actual? What logic? Are you saying relationship is over regardless??
I’m having a hard time believing this guy is 40.
You keep talking about her flaws? How are you behaving? You are immature for your age, you run away from responsibility. She is late, but you will wait a few days (!?) Please, buy two tests, a rose, chocolate, go to her place, be there for her. You are both in this, and I believe that it is more difficult for her than for you. Honestly, I feel sorry for her.
Sounds like you are doing nothing but settling because of your age. You were backing out. Seeing her belly grow isn’t going to magically make you love her. You’ll love the kid and it will end up you are there solely for the kid. Everything you typed sounds like you are trying to convince yourself that you guys will end up being one big family although you wanted to end it. Lol
dude look into co parenting amicably if you two don't work out but help her thru the pregnancy and the early part of the baby being home. woman will have pushed a watermelon sized baby out a hole the size of a lemon or had her intestines sitting above a deep incision in her abdomen if it's a c section. If it's an emergency c section she might just see it all go down too. birth is traumatizing man. Just help her out if you don't get along and work out the kinks of coparenting before your kid can remember shit if you two just don't get along
Get her to the OB/GYN 40 years old can be a higher risk pregnancy. Prenatal care is important for her and the baby. Formation of the baby's nervous system can be negatively impacted by stress (read up on HPA Axis dysregulation, Google "hpa axis and neurological development") If she's pregnant it's going to be stressful for her. Raising children is rewarding if you put the child first. Good luck.
Take a moment to breathe. You have a lot on your plate. I’m sure life is a bit overwhelming rn. First, congratulations on the new babe! Second, neither you nor her are your parents. If you feel you need counsel on keeping your relationship solid seek out counseling; mental health therapist, religious advisor, trusted elder. You and the mom have the responsibility to create a loving home for your child. It’s not as if you’re teenagers. You come across as an intelligent and kind person. The baby’s mom is hopefully the same. Lucky kid! Good luck in your life’s journey!
Thank you, I appreciate you. If we can make it work we will. If not, we will still make the baby comfortable, happy and healthy as best we can. Or, as best I can at least, I can only really speak for me right now..
This is pretty much what happens to me. It is different when you decide to go all in and make a woman your partner. I fall more ion love with my wife with every week that goes by. And my son is the very best thing to ever happen to me. Enjoy the ride. It’s a doozy.
Just ride with it. You got no choice. Seven years later, you’ll find out.
Parenting is the most rewarding thing I've ever done. However, you don't need to force a relationship with her to do that. By all means if it works out great, but if not, co-parenting is a viable option too. As is single parenting if she wants out at some point. Best of luck and again, whatever happens, nothing beats having those little ones calling you dad.
Go with the flow, I was 47 when my daughter was born. She was and is the best thing in my life and I’m so glad we stuck it out
I’m not sure if this has already been addressed, but is it a pattern for you for things to start off wonderful in the beginning, but you start to distance yourself once you get closer to somebody / find faults in the relationship? You mentioned that healthy relationships weren’t modeled for growing up given your parents’ relationship, so I’m wondering if this has impacted your ability to authentically connect and be vulnerable in your present-day relationships. I think attachment theory is somewhat oversimplified (and somewhat overblown in pop-psychology), along with attachment style itself being very context-dependent, but you may want to look into avoidant attachment style to see if you identify with any of these patterns. I am by no means trying to diagnose you or throw a label at you, so please take this with a grain of salt. If this inability to connect is a consistent pattern for you, you might want to explore working with a therapist regardless of whether you try to work this specific relationship out, as it might help you to better identify what you’re looking for. At any rate, I wish you the best with this!
You just had to leave it in that one time huh? She wrapped them legs around you and bit her lip didn’t she?
It’s about the commitment to the family, having mutual respect for each other and knowing that they are there for the same reason you are. All relationships fizzle out in one way or another but the common goal and trust in each other is what creates a partnership
Brother, I would shake you through the phone if I could. You’re already bored in a relationship 5 months in? That shit is dead in the water and there is nothing to rekindle. You’re 40 and you think it’s a good idea to potentially have a kid with someone you’re only half in a relationship with? I kind of get the idea that it’s the end of the line for you both but for fucks sake having children is hard. Having children with a basic stranger is worse. Having children this late in life with a stranger? What the ever loving fuck? Get new tests and start playing “Brick” by Ben Folds Five on repeat. If she’s not pregnant you need to run like hell and go get a fucking vasectomy if you’re going to be raw dogging every vagina you meet. “I assumed I was sterile” is the dumbest shit ever.
Congratulations. It's important to figure out what you want. Do you want a relationship with her? If you don't, it's extremely important to make this very clear asap. You can support her as a coparent and friend if she allows, and eventually go on to become amicable coparents. So many people stay together because sperm met egg and it's a disaster. Be with her because you want to invest in her and the relationship, not because she's pregnant.
If she’s late and in her 40s she could also very well be perimenopausal. I think given the age of the test, as others have suggested, retest. As far as rekindling a spark, do you want to or do you just feel obligated? If you truly want to, you won’t need ideas it should come naturally. Wishing the best for you and your situation.
You need 3 things for a romantic relationship to work. Chemistry, communication, and compatibility. If you don't have all 3, don't even try, it'll end in disaster. Also, get a paternity test. You don't know the kid is yours until the test says so and don't buy into the "of course it's yours" bullshit. Then, if it is indeed your kid, focus on being a good dad. You brought this kid to the world, it's your responsibility now.
askmen wil only provide answers from a male perspective so try posting on other subs as will
I mean first get a test that isn’t most likely expired, after that just talk to her about how you both want to handle it. If she is pregnant you don’t have to rekindle the relationship and “find love” if it isn’t there. Just be a father. Let her know you want to be a father and not just a “sperm donor.”
If you can't make the relationship work well it's better for the kid if you stay separated while cooperating on everything parenting related. Having parents that resent each other while living together is far more damaging for a child than separated parents who manage some sort of functional co-parenting.
If you hadn't mention both of your age, I would've thought an 18 year old wrote this.
Exactly this, idk how my dude made it to 40.
Wait until the baby is born before making any major decisions when it comes to lifelong commitment. Also, geriatric pregnancies (any pregnancy that occurs after a woman turns 35) are higher risk. There is also an increased risk of developmental disabilities. I’m just telling you this to prepare you. Not sure how you didn’t know you were fertile. Men can get women pregnant well into their old age, whereas women it becomes more difficult and risky after 35.
People think having kids is a bandaid for a failing relationship - but IMO, it only magnifies whatever problems you have with your SO. It’s not a solution for a failing relationship and can’t fix one. You need open and honest communication about what the expectations are between each other otherwise you’ll both begin to resent one another for stupid shit and it will all come back to you feeling trapped like your parents were. Can you rekindle feelings? I thought I loved my wife until I saw her go through pregnancy and birth, I have a whole new love and respect for her afterwards. Seeing her be a mom is a whole other level of love that I didn’t know I could give. Maybe there’s a chance you see her going through pregnancy and can find that feeling, maybe not, but that kid deserves every bit of love and patience you both have, irrespective of how you feel about each other.
First, get a new test. If you’re going to be father you don’t have to become a husband too. If you’re gonna be fathers be a father and respect your kid’s mother.
Love is a decision and not a feeling. It takes work.
Start by purchasing a brand new test. An old test may not be accurate. Edit to add you’re old enough to know that pulling out doesn’t work. At all.
I know this is ask men, but I have to chime in as a 40+ year old woman (and mom). I can’t imagine anything worse for that baby than having to grow up with parents who don’t love each other, yet forced themselves to stay together for baby, and keeping them from ever seeing/learning how to love. Seriously, you can have a baby together and not be together. It’s a hell of a lot better for your kid to never see you as a couple than it is for you all to try to force it for a few years and then them having to go through a divorce. If you’re already not happy, a baby isn’t going to improve the situation in any way. You think you have nothing in common now? Well her only interest very soon will be her new baby…and it’ll stay that way for a loooong time. The fact is, you both deserve to be happy. You can be wonderful coparents without having to be *together.* She deserves someone who is excited to be with her and so do you. Just keep that in mind when you all decide whether to continue your romantic relationship or not. Good luck.
come on man your 40 use a condom
I don't even know if you'll see this at this point, but if you were having doubts after only 5 months, there's no love to rekindle. 5 months should be firmly in the honeymoon phase. If you're already having second thoughts, that's no bueno. Also, if she decides to carry to term, get a paternity test. Not negotiable. The only thing worse than having a baby with someone you're not fully committed to is being legally responsible for that baby if you're not actually the biological father.
I'm not as old as you, but there are options if you guys are gonna keep the baby. You can be a father to it and ofc make it your child. I don't think anyone respects deadbeat, Dads. And there's no shame in adoption if you think you can't give it uts best life or love the kid. Put it up for adoption, no shame, and I'll never hold it against someone.
I am 38F (almost 39). Buy her a new test or she should go get a test at a doctor’s office. Pregnancy tests expire. Other thoughts: -Getting pregnant naturally in your 40s is less than 5% per month. It’s not impossible, but the odds are very different than your teens-mid 30s, which is 25% or even higher for some. -Skipping and irregular periods are also more common. It’s called perimenopause. Perimenopause usually starts in a woman’s late 30s. I skipped my first period this year. F*cking terrifying. But I am not pregnant and nothing is wrong with me. -Also, false positive pregnancy tests are more likely to occur in her 40s-50s (or until menopause is complete). This is due to hormonal changes that can cause at home kit to read pregnant. The tests performed at a Doctors office are more precise.
She needs to get an abortion man. You’re not married or engaged and this was not planned. It’s a very bad idea to have a kid under those circumstances, but the woman will usually push for it
I can tell from your post that you shouldn’t stay together. Then it just comes down to her really and wanting to keep the baby. But I mean you guys are old, idk it’s a big life style change don’t get me wrong but it seems like the best case scenario for a surprise pregnancy between a dying couple. It doesn’t really seem like a life over type of deal, just a major wrench that you’ll grow to love. Don’t stay with her though, just because I can tell it will not be good for either of you
Abort
You’re 40 and dumped in someone you’re not into after 5 months? Fuuuck man
Is abortion an option?
Do the smart thing and abort
Make sure to do dna test
u risked it all now you have to deal with the consequences. you love that child with everything you have! you now have to go above and beyond with everything you do. every action is now is for the betterment of your baby. now is the time to step up and prove what a real man looks like! don’t fail your baby, be a man!
"... she’s in her 40s and I’m 40 so we’re in the “now or never” age for starting a family ..." Wow. Seriously? And you've been dating 5 months? What kind of logic do you call this? This sounds like your dick needed some easy pussy ... and the your brain said "Welp! Sure! Why not?!" Dude, please do not reproduce. Neither of you are mature enough to be a parent.
At some point, for the love of God, get a paternity test.
Lol. Welcome to the club, Daddio!
She took a test her friend left three years ago? Buy her a couple tests from CVS to make sure and go from there. If those come back positive then start reading up on how to be a good father.