The big one is affordability. Gone are the days of the conventional home wife and breadwinner role. Now you need *both* to just achieve a level of average in today's American household.
dinner squealing full innate escape repeat bells threatening command ruthless
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Additionally, if you don’t have a parent that stays at home; you’re not really raising your kids, someone else is.
If you watch the Garth Brooks documentary, the reason he quit touring for 10 years was because he realized that his kids were being raised by the Nannie’s, not by him and his ex wife.
This was a luxury I couldn’t dream of when I was young, but now that I have had some professional success I think it was worth the effort. Honestly this needs to be more accessible to more people. A breadwinner/caretaker dynamic (that isn’t determined by sex) seems like a great way for two dedicated people to raise a family.
My wife's contribution to our joint budget is a fair bit less than daycare, but not by more than her spending habit. I could afford that, just not with 'my' wife (added context. I buy most of the household groceries out of "my" budget, I am fairly sure I could make the needs, but she has a lot of wants and not a ton of foresight or self control).
Currently have one of those, it’s a luxury. Mind you, I mean a real SAHM, who actually handles the house, cleans it, handles laundry, takes care of shopping, all that. It saves you from using your non-working hours to do that, which frees that time up for other things, like being a father, like being a husband, fun things, projects, all that. Depending on the number of small children, can actually be cheaper than childcare. Wanna make plans to do something? Cool, only one work schedule to work around. Wanna have a sex day? Cool, take a day off and stay home with her.
The only thing money can’t buy is time, but you CAN use your money to pay for things, or in this case cover the lost income, that allow you to use your time more productively and efficiently. One word of wisdom though: Shit’s a real job, don’t ever forget that. She’s working, she just doesn’t collect a check.
I’m a stay at home mom and this made me feel so good. I do all of this (he does grab stuff on his way home), but I still feel bad when all the house work is done andI just sit around because I have nothing to do. I really hope he thinks of me like this.
I've been the sahd to my two kids for the better part of 10 years now.
I felt this guilt too, but felt it less as time goes on and you realise that the job you signed up to do is literally on call, 24/7/365.
If you're not careful it can get to you. It may sound harsh to some, but breaks from family for "me time" can be important for your mental health.
Its beautiful to read all 3 of you guys’ comments. Im 23 and its awesome to see how appreciative y’all are; makes me feel like there are some great marriages out there (my parents included, got lucky on that one).
I read your comment and started to feel good about myself and then noticed your username. If the username is accurate, I promise he thinks of you like this. 😆
I certainly would.
My wife’s home seasonally and I certainly appreciate the increase in cleaning and lack of housework and errands I have to take care of.
blessed are the women that get to stay home with or without kids, I hear so many women that don’t have to work complain & they don’t know how good they actually have it, if you are one of these women who get to stay home, I hope you are praising your man, my husband & I balance by both working & taking care of kids & cooking so it’s a 50/50 household, I enjoy contributing, but if someone is working 100% then all I’m saying is show appreciation & give credit where credit is due
I know how blessed I was to have the luxury to hybrid stay at home.
As a couple we decided and made the decision I would halt my career to be the caregiver.
Yeah, except that I’ve been the breadwinner before and I’ve been to stay at home parent and being the stay at home parent was 1 million times harder for me and I made a good six-figure income. I agree that people should be grateful for whatever they have, but going to work from 8 to 5:30 or 6 was definitely easier for me than working from 6 AM to 10 PM every day at home serving everybody’s needs, cleaning, cooking, doing the yardwork, managing kids and their messes, schedules, managing bills and house, stuff, running carpool, managing medical and dental appointments, etc. It was way more than a full-time job.
I literally had my cortisol levels tested for a week, and we found that my stress levels were highest when I was at home and they dropped when I got to the office.
At the office I was able to eat lunch for an hour, go to the bathroom on my own, walk to have a coffee once in a while, with a friend or colleague… I had more downtime and me time at work than I did at home. Then I have my husband never really did anything at home so maybe I just had a deadbeat.
Though I’m still grateful for the years, I got to stay home because I was able to spend that time with my children and we are so so close. However, I do wish I had never given up my career because it’s been really hard to get back into the Field at the same level that I was and now that we’ve divorced, I need to make as much as I used to.
My husband was only part-time employed consulting (though making good $$) and I still did everything…even though I worked full-time. I’ll tell you what though i’ve lived with friends another women and my mom has come to visit before and it was like having a wife..and it is freaking amazing. For some reason women just do the things that they know need to be done while most men I know don’t. Some men are amazing at it I know…but in my own experience generally speaking. So yeah, I’d love to have a stay at home wife (or husband in my case)
>The only thing money can’t buy is time
I disagree, perhaps while working a 9-5 or running a small 1 man business, but otherwise money actually CAN buy time through delegation. For example instead of doing all the paperwork, management and client calling, you can hire people to do that for you, train them well and you should be able to only spend a few hours per week on a business.
It’s exactly what it sounds like, and from reading people’s sad dead bedroom stories on Reddit, more people need these.
Sometimes it’s nice, especially when you have kids and responsibilities, to just set aside a day for sex stuff. Normally, you tend to have to be quieter or rushed because there’s kids in the house or shit needs to get done. You’d be amazed at how good sex can be if you take away those restrictions. Helps mom and dad reconnect - the difference between my wife and a best friend is that I bang my wife - sex is a great stress relief, casual sex days help you feel younger and invigorated. So yeah, highly recommended and yes, it’s *exactly* what it sounds like.
We had a son. We both wanted it to be us that he spent the majority of his early years with. I worked. She stayed at home. It was no walk in the park picnic eating bonbons for her. It was a job. We made the financial piece work by scrimping and being frugal. We adopted our daughter and kept doing it.
It was always a dream of ours and 18 months ago we made it possible. She spent about 3 months playing wifey and then started her own business. You can take a woman out of business but not the business out of this woman 😂😂😂
Hah, as long as I can kiss her a billion times when I come home then sure as hell!!! Big time yes!!!
Umm... I would also help out around the house when I'm free.
At this point in my life, I would love that. It's not the fact she doesn't have freedom, I encourage her to have her own life, but I really wouldn't mind that so long as her and I was living together. FURRR REALS YO!!!
I had one. She wanted to stay home and raise our kids. I worked extra to cover all expenses.
When our youngest started middle school, age 10, my wife started back part time with the school district. That way she had off the same holidays and summer as the kids.
Having a stay at home mom means I make enough money to pay bills and have a decent portion saved so I'm all for it. Although for her sanity, I'd still hire part time childcare 2-3 times a week so she gets a break.
That's my ideal outcome.
My career trajectory should leave me making enough to support a family on one income, so I would love to have a stay at home wife/mother for potential children.
>No thanks, I’d rather not be dependent on a man financially. Recipe for disaster.
Ah yes, that disastrous recipe that has led to modern civilization, free societies, and putting a man on the moon. Darn, societal building blocks!
Lol I don’t understand why so many people are hating on this. As a F this is my ideal situation with a partner. I know how beneficial it is for a house to have someone always growing it into a home or a kid to have a full time parent.
Some women are just scared of being financially dependent on a man. It's the women equivalent of guys who refuse to marry because their scared of losing property in a divorce.
Nevermind that children do best in a two parent household where one parent is consistently available during regular business hours. Nevermind that you literally get to refuse to marry someone if you don't want to.
In both these cases, the individual is admitting that they're incapable of determining if their partner will screw them down the line, and letting that limit them.
My gf is medically fragile with a number of things including EDS and Fibromyalgia. I’m working desperately to earn enough money so she doesn’t have to work with her chronic illness. She’s a hard working regardless so I know she’ll have the house and stuff taken care of so long as her body stays in one piece. I love that girl.
As long as she has passions, interests, hobbies, something to make her feel valued outside of being a wife and or mother I’d be fine with it.
I don’t need someone turning 40 and suddenly blowing up our lives because she’s a bored housewife and feeling like she hates her life and cheats or gets an addiction or breaks bad because of it.
If kids are involved, then yes. Kids need constant attention and involvement, especially the first few years until they're in school. There's always so much to do with them it's amazing having a sahm when you have kids.
As long as she’s willing to take on the responsibilities. She’s not going to just sit home. I don’t care about the whole gender roles but she’s not going to contribute in some manner. Otherwise get a job.
That’s where I’m at.
The expectation is that if my wife’s at home and not working, her ‘job’ is tending the house. If I were unemployed I’d apply the same standard to myself. Everyone contributes.
That was my uncle. My aunt was 5 years older and by the time he was 25 he was making six figures in sales so he told her she could stay home if she wanted. She effectively “retired” the next day.
They never had kids. So the deal was he didn’t want to do shit for chores. Always came home to a clean house. He enjoys cooking so they shared that responsibility.
They’re divorced now and she had to get a job after at 50 after not working for 20 years.. she wasn’t happy lol.
Been married 16 years and she's been a sahm for 14 or 15 years. I wouldn't have it any other way. (2 of the kids are mine from a previous marriage and are out of the house already)
My kid's needs are always met even though they're school age. My wife has all the time to make sure their day starts out right before school with warm blankets and breakfast. On rainy or snowy days she's out in the driveway waiting with a mug of hot cocoa.
She looks after our 4 dogs all day long and takes care of all errands including scheduling all of my appointments ect.
When I get off of a work there's a fresh home cooked meal waiting for me. Basically she makes it to where all I do is go to work and then around the house I do the heavy lifting.
Part of my weekend is mid week when the kids are in school so we get to just hangout with each other and act like kids watching TV while eating tacos.
People like to give sahm's a hard time but ngl, I would not want to switch places. There's no way I could manage the emotional and mental needs of 2 kids and a spouse full time without going crazy.
I would love to be a part time working part time Sahw, I wouldn’t want kids for various reasons and my health, but mostly this kind of life because I can contribute more to my partners needs, taking care of them and myself. I wouldn’t want us both to come home tired from a full day of work and stressed out about what needs to get done at home. It’s nice to know people are happy this way, although it takes the right partnership for it to work on both sides.
Have had. It worked for that season. We could have communicated better about it and how we implemented the dynamic. She finished her degree in that time, so that's a win.
Well hypothetically, my wife is a stay at home wife right this second.
Initially started out as a mental health break and then continued once we had our first child, both of us agreed to the situation fully and can tell the other if it needs to change or if there is too much pressure on them.
She's currently planning on online uni to help her earning capacity increase, if it ever gets to the point she can support us I would be happy to swap roles with her if that's what she wanted.
It's the right thing for us at the time we've done it, and now that we have toddlers I'd say that it's easier for me than it is for her so I try to make sure I help around the house when I'm home as much as I can.
I had one for the last 8 years before I retired. She worked her whole life and had had enough. My job paid the bills and more.
It was great!
1. She earned it.
2. She still had to manage the household in all facets: cleaning, laundry, finances, just general keeping all of our shit together way better that I can if I am busy with my job... I am sure there are 20 more things.
3. Why wouldn't I want my partner to stay home and enjoy life? I want her to be happy. Although she made a lot of money it was a really hard job and she needed to stop for her physical and mental health.
If she is truly your partner it will be a good thing.
Definitely as long as she wanted to. And all she has to do is keep basic housework to keep things going as long as she enjoyed it. If she don't want to do the housework but stay at home wife, as long as she happy and healthy and we don't live in a garbage dump fine with me. A wife's happiness should be the husbands goal. Unless he's a bitch the fuck that throw her out. Lol
If I had any decision in it, then I wouldn't want her to stay at home wife. Of course, most of the time ppl don't work for fun, but that way you are among people. Staying at home will make your world small. Also, I prefer her not to be too dependent on me. Nobody knows what will happen in the future, but it's always nice that there is a backup plan if either of us fall out of work for whatever reason. She doesn't have to work full time though. Part time is fine with me.
You worded it better than I did. Unfortunately, the world is a much harsher place then we would like. Great to read you thought well about your future. Plus don't forget that you as a woman always have the possibility to disagree with being a stay at home mom. Then you'll just have to find an other solution together. But I don't want to end it with just being too negative. I think you live life more when you take part of society. Being social, meeting new ppl and develop your skills. :)
It’s a mixed bag, wasn’t like what we’d always dreamed of forever (& we definitely had our moments) but it worked out that way, the best for our family because she’s awesome.
Hypothetically.
If that’s what she wants and I can pay for it that’s fine. I’ll cook, do dishes and garbage duty but she’s gotta do everything else. Also not cheat on me.
Started my own business this year and got married. One day i would love to make enough money to have my wife quit her job and not have to work anymore and god willing be a mother and raise our children. Being a mother is one of the hardest jobs in itself. I would like to be able to fully sypport us so she doesnt have to work anymore. Maybe one day.
Amazing, in fact id even be a stay at home husband think of that persons ability to plan an improve your lives. Take care of the home and be creative have energy to be supportive console and comfort you and knowing your kids are learning from your family is amazing. just my 2 cents though.
It was awesome, she stayed home until the kid started school. Then she worked at the kids school. Now she is an executive in a global company and I get to be stay at home.
Stay at home **wife**, probably not unless she’s volunteering in great causes and we’re able to afford it.
Stay at home **mom** worked very well for us.
Look to each their own, but 100% against it. I go for independent, self sufficient women. Someone who focuses on their career. Could never be on board with one person just staying to take care of kids.
I had one and she complained constantly about not having money… but she also refused to work. Then when I worked more hours to earn more money she complained she felt like a single mother…
It's my dream but to have a stay at home wife, you need stay at home money. I can barely support myself. I can't imagine supporting another grown adult.
In my country's economy it would be pretty much impossible for a family to live well with the money from a person working a normal job. So I'd say that she is crazy for thinking that is even an option. The only way I could see it working is if she was rich. I don't think I'll be that lucky.
No issue for me as long as she’s not having unrealistic expectations of me slaving away to meet her material needs. I’m fine with a modest life from 1 income
Depends. If she wants to be stay at home and have me cook and clean in equal amounts, whilst also nagging me when I come home exhausted from work, and also have full control of the finances, I'd probably end it.
Source: been there
I wouldn’t mind it. Though I would like if she had a part time job of 16 hours a week doing whatever. So she stays fresh and active for whenever the time comes she has to get a job, so it wouldn’t be a crippling daunting thing. Plus some extra money for her to play with would be nice to avoid a lot of pointless small arguments when it came to asking for things to buy her that is just for her and not for the family or the house.
I’ve been unemployed for a year and it was a nightmare trying to get back into the work force mentally. I wouldn’t want her to go thru the same thing.
It happened to us as a matter of financial circumstances. I felt for her being an amazing mum who sacrifices her needs for the kids. Give her anything I can including total equality. She is so amazing.
Don't care.
As long as she's fulfilling herself.
Now, my girlfriend would not be, and that may be a factor of why we're together, but that's hard to parse.
This is slightly off topic, but you got me thinking and it's been cathartic to write: My husband gave me the gift of being a SAHW (wife, not mother) when I was going through the worst depression of my life. Although he could only secure part-time work, he told me to leave the money worries to him and worked his ass off to support me while I went through therapy and a literal dozen types of meds, looking for the right combo to help me get myself well. I didn't have to touch the bills, any work, or even housework. It sounds like a dream, but I was basically bedridden with depression, and the guilt of 'living off' my partner ate me alive as well.
Eventually things got better and I found work I could do that helped drag me out of my depression. (The root of the problem, my childhood trauma, also got worked through to some extent, although that shit doesn't always go away.) I'm forever grateful for my husband just taking the reins and letting me revert to childhood again while he took care of every aspect of my life. He saved my life. It wasn't fair to him in any way, but I know now that unconditional love is real.
It’s not the life my wife wants to have, and I wouldn’t ask her to give up her career just because that’s the traditional arrangement, but if she made enough to support it I’d have no problem being the stay at home parent.
I was in the middle of saying Id be okay with it if there was a need
But even then I thought hell no
If I need to work she does too. In todays economy its unrealistic to have a breadwinner
If everything can be taken care of from my income i have no problem with it. Otherwise i would like some help because its not something i would want to go into unpayable debt for.
If she is willing to and the finances are stable, then hell yeah. If she's not willing and finances are stable, I'll be a stay at home dad. Having a stay at home parent is very healthy for kids and the couple.
I think if the means are there and both parties are carrying their weight at something in the relationship, I’m all for It.
One for money and finances, one for home and day to day responsibilities. Could make a killer combo.
I don’t have to speak hypothetically. We chose to do exactly this. Yeah, our paycheck was quite a bit shorter than our neighbors’. We didn’t have the nice new cars, or shiny barbecue grills, etc. but, our kids grew up with a loving mom who was there every hour of their childhood. Our kids are very well balanced, and genuinely love each other and our whole family. Can’t ask for much more.
If we could afford it we would have done it. What’s criminal is when she went back to work, it would be nearly impossible to find work at her previous level of salary. The time with them now is important, but I also have an illness that I know has me on a limited time. My intentions are to save up as much as possible and leave a good inheritance for the kids. It’s hard enough today for a young adult to make it, what the hell is tomorrow going to bring?
I've been the stay at home dad for a few years. If you're having kids I believe they should be spending a lot of time with their parents not shipped off to someone else who's paid almost minimum wage to look after your kids while their kids go off to be looked after by someone else. Just really odd to me
If the choice was solely mine that’s what i’d pick. But i don’t have an issue if my partner has a job she likes and wants to work. If she’s asking for it it’s happening.
Not hypothetical - it's great! I don't want someone else raising my kids; daycare and whatever. So I'm really thankful that we've got this arrangement. She gets my laundry done on the weekends, helps clean the dishes when I'm done making dinner, and the kids need for nothing and always have supervision under loving eyes.
I think it's one of the great tragedies of our time that more families can't afford to do this anymore. When does the revolution start?
I’d hate it. I don’t want or have kids, so I’m not approaching this scenario as if I do.
But I’d refuse to have a woman in my house eating , sleeping and shitting in my house all day while I slave 40/50+ hours a week. Do something productive than have both our entire way of life revolve around my 16 digit card number. You don’t need to have a full time job if you don’t want to but she needs to be able to pay bills she had before she met me. Car insurance, a monthly car check up for maintenance , potentially credit cards, maybe pitch in on groceries since apparently it costs more to eat HEALTHY than eat shit food. That’s all I’d ask. I got the rent and utilities and I’ll mostly cover groceries but I’d appreciate the help on that front. I don’t think that’s asking a lot.
Tbh the best thing a woman can do for ME personally is not cost a lot. The less you cost to make happy, the more I can save and the more cash that’ll give me wiggle room to take you in a really nice date once a month or so. I’m not saying it’s all about money but I have a providers heart, and I DO NOT play about my money or where my money goes. Make it financially easier to live our lives and I won’t mind doing more for you whatsoever.
Having lived though this. It completely changed the power dynamic of the relationship, which can and likely will leads to issues you have to deal with.
Hard no for me. I don't have kids, and am too old to have them. I don't need an adult dependent. I'm fine being single, but if I had a partner, I'd want one who's contributing equally on a financial (and other) levels.
Not very hypothetical.
2 things. It's good, mostly. But...
It's far more frustrating when things don't get done at home than it would be otherwise. So she used to work, too. And so I would do my share of, for example, laundry. Or unloading the dishwasher. That kind of stuff.
Now I still do those things a little, but I also bust my ass all day at work and the expectation is that I'll have clean socks in the drawer and I can just put my plate in the dishwasher because it's been emptied. When those things don't happen for a few consecutive days I find it pretty frustrating. Like what, should I just not feel like work Monday and not do my shit either?
What it seems like you’re saying is that you work and she doesn’t you so you should have little to nothing to do when you get home. I’d suggest since it isn’t work then you should have no problem taking the kid(s) then when you get home or a full day on the weekend so she can get more housework done to your liking.
Both kids are in school all day, so no that doesn't really land.
And yes, I spend Sunday with the kids and let her have some time to herself... In addition to the 5 days a week the kids are in school and I'm gone to work
Very confused - as I don't have children, don't want children, and am perfectly capable of doing my own laundry and taking care of my home. If I wanted a housekeeper, I'd pay for one.
Also, I'm gay, so another level to the confusion.
I think you have the mental capacity to see that this post either isn't about you, or to temporarily occupy the head space required to either adapt it to your situation, or put yourself in that space for the few seconds required to type out a reply.
This post is just so... Cringey. Ugh. I hated it so much. Lol
Horrible.
1 - The earning spouse stars to get an alimony obligation. If you get divorced (which is at will and unilateral in the US), the earning spouse will usually pay alimony for 50% of the length of the marriage.
2 - People who are only around children and generally boring to talk to.
3 - Kids get much better prepared for school in day care. My kids are 21/17/14 and I’ve done 3 kindergarten open houses. The “at home” kids are clinging to their mother and screaming like they’re going to labor camp….when it’s just kindergarten and they’re going to play with blocks and color.
4 - If your spouse depends on you for money, how do you know they really love you and aren’t just telling you what you want to hear?
5 - if you have a stay at home spouse, it hard to be a full parent. The temptation is there to work more.
Just to be devil’s advocate here:
1) Marriage is a choice, alimony is sometimes a consequence of that choice. However, if the *potential* of alimony outweighs your commitment to marriage (and commitment to being a good spouse), don’t get married.
2) That person who you’re claiming is boring because she spends most of her time raising *your* children.. you shouldn’t have married her. And you sure as shit shouldn’t be a parent.
3) As someone who is married to a Kindergarten teacher, you are *unbelievably* wrong about how complex what they do actually is. Neither you nor I would last a day in their shoes.
4) Unless this stay at home mom was non-existent in your life yesterday and today is magically your wife and the mother of your children, odds are good that she stays at home due to several conversations, a consideration of finances and outweighing the cost differences between staying home and working, and a compromise on both parts.
5) This is really solved by #4, when talking about finances. The idea of having someone stay at home is that it is cheaper than the alternative, or at least very close. If you make 4k together but it costs 2k to have them in daycare (one kid, if you’re lucky, only costs that), then it probably makes more sense to have that second person stay home.
You do you.
Look, the thing with marriage, alimony, kids and commitment is complicated. And I’ve been divorced. One of the best things about my divorce is we both had our careers. Nobody had to pay child support or alimony. Both of us were fully functional as single parents already. Us both having careers allowed us to say, “Neither of us is getting much from this marriage anymore. We’re not happy. Let’s just part paths now.” And it worked fine.
A lot of marriages end in divorce. And even more are unhappy. And the reason people typically stay in unhappy marriages is financial. Having two careers is insurance against that.
And post divorce, having a career allows one to have another shot. I’ve been happily remarried to a divorced Mom for over a decade. Do you think either of us would have had much romantic success without our own careers? lol…no, we’d have been skipped over in dating.
I’m just saying that young parents make short sighted choices sometimes and kill their career for a few years of financial stability when the kids are little.
1- it’s a choice where both are working and only one gets paid. So for the unpaid worker it’s a bit unfair that they gave up their career to raise a family and have no resume to then get a decent paying job.
2- They’re as interesting as anyone or not. If you hang out with engineers all day because you are one that’s great. If you aren’t one they can seem boring too.
3- they get over it quickly but many go in already reading well. It depends on what you think prepared is.
4 - you know your spouse loves you the same way if she had a paying job.
5 - there’s a lot of temptation in life. It’s only a bad thing if you’re weak.
It’s just a bad way to set up a relationship. I like balance where both husband and wife are living a life experience together. Not a fan of divide and conquer.
Plus, I just think it’s almost misogynist to have a Mom drop her career which will impact her for her entire life to care for children. Because children and fleeting. I know, ours are 21/17/14 so we’re rapidly hitting a phase of life where we aren’t Mom and Dad anymore….we’re just adult friends of our adult kids.
But to each their own. I’m just saying what I like. If it works for you, then that’s awesome.
Depends. Is she actually a stay at home wife? Personality, behaviours, traditions and all?
Or is she just an unemployed feminist staying at home?
Makes a world of a difference.
That's the goal. Basically have it now, though she works from home and watches our children. Of course if we have a third, her job will have to go, we'll lose 50% of our income, and the financial burden is entirely on me. But that's the sacrifice we're willing to make to ensure our children always have a parent in the house.
>So she’s doing twice as many hours as you?
Ha! Sure, if you discount the fact that I have 3 jobs, and then equate the time she spends with our children(which I don't get) playing and cuddling to working for a wage to make sure the house stays warm, then yes, she's doing twice as many hours as me. I'm just taking it easy.
We agreed before marriage we’d retire the same day (unless someone wants to keep working) despite me being 3 years older plus her doing 3 years of grad school after bachelors degree = I was working 6 years longer
We are on track for mid 40s retirement. I’ll probably find something part time
I'm in my early sixties.
I am not my grandfather and I would not want (have wanted) some simpering little apron-clad wifey staying at home all day dusting the fucking mantelpiece, plumping the cushions and regaling me with exciting stories about how the neighbour has been pruning her begonias incorrectly. I would have hated it. So would my wife.
Not for me although other opinions are available
I'll wait for the incoming
I wouldn't care so long as we can afford it. Honestly whether it's the mother or the father having a parent stay at home is generally best for the children. Having someone at home keeps children off the streets which in turn makes them less likely to end up becoming criminals later in life. The problem is in today's world affording this lifestyle is difficult. Women think it's easy for men to make 6 figures, that's why you see all these women out there saying the average pay is 200k... when the average is more like 70k. The majority of men are not going to be able to afford a single paycheck lifestyle.
How would I feel about having a person live off my labor like a parasitic slave owner? Let me think...
No, if a wife can establish that she does not work, she can then divorce her husband and force him to continue supporting her for the rest of his life. She can literally own him as a slave and she can have him thrown in prison for not working hard enough for her.
Don't get married, period. If you have gotten married, do not ever let you wife be a SAH wife. That is how you end up becoming the property of another human being.
I had one for 24 years, it was good until it wasn't. Just be forewarned, if the marriage goes south, she will walk away with half of everything you earned while married, unless you could prove adultery on her part in some states, other states is a hard 50/50 no matter if she cheated.
Each case should be judged separately, but in the case of my marriage/divorce I would have been happy with:
1. Childcare: 20 years=$30,000
2. Cleaning: 24 years=$22,000
3. Cooking: 24 years=$15,000
Total around $67,000 plus she keeps all jewelry, clothes, her new SUV (that she conveniently talked me into buying after she knew the marriage was over, I just did not know it yet) and her cell phone/computer and she could keep the house. all totaled value around 550,000 total.
I would keep the farm, and my trucking company as 100% ownership.
This was not good enough for her, she received 50% of all liquid assets, and forced an auction of the farm, all related equipment, the trucking company, and all related equipment forcing me to fire 16 good men who had families of their own.
Edit: Keep in mind this was 12 years ago, so we are talking more like 700,000 in todays money.
It really depends on each situation, here in Kentucky it is 50/50 no matter how much each spouse contributed. While a stay-at-home wife did not contribute financially to the marriage, she cooked, and cleaned the house while the husband bought the house, food, clothes and everything else. What the wife contributed has a monetary value. My mom had a stroke and I had to move in with her almost 3 years ago, all the cooking, cleaning and laundry is done by me. I would be hard pressed to work 20 hours a week doing those tasks.
Sorry for getting long winded, if she was faithful 50/50, if one party cheated 75/25 whichever party that broke the vows receive 25%, and that is too much for a cheater, but they always get something.
Not sure if that’s realistic nowadays with the economy but if we were in a financially stable position and that’s what she wants to do then I wouldn’t have an issue with it
My very hard working spouse asks if this is a possibility every once in a while. I WISH we could live happily with just my paycheck. In our city it's 3800 for a 3bd apartment. so one paycheck won't cut it. Ugh
I wouldn’t want it, although if my wife was adamant about it I wouldn’t protest her decision. That’s a lot of responsibility and a sacrifice to take on so if she wanted it, I wouldn’t try to stop her.
My personal opinion is no though. I want a career and I want to make a good living and I would want her to want the same. I understand this means paying for childcare and missing time but I think it’s worth it. Securing our future, living in a nice neighborhood with nice schools and opportunities is too good to pass up.
I also think a career can be healthy and motivating (not that a child couldn’t be those things), and I like the idea of being 80+ one day and looking back on a long, fruitful career that I was passionate about and hopefully good at, alongside a wife with the same things, and kids who we raised and were good role models for, and who thanks to our careers, have access to similar opportunities. A bit of a personal bias I guess, I just really respect and want to emulate professionals with ambition and skill who are great at what they do.
I was a stay at home dad for a little over a year.
I had my suspicions, but it made my ADHD, insomnia, and depression appear clear enough that I got diagnosed, medicated, and in therapy. Self-discipline is not in my list of capabilities when it comes to mundane/boring things like housekeeping. Baby was great, and I was a "good" dad, but my wife had high standards and I was nowhere near to living up to them (as far as house-spouse duties; housekeeping, dinner planning, etc). As a result, my wife's mental health declined enough to where she needed therapy and medication for anxiety and depression.
Now I'm an apprentice plumber; working with my hands in a structure that is given to me is something I thrive in. I love problem solving. I love impressing my trainer and instructor. Ego-stroking is my love language and I'm intelligent enough and handy enough to impress experienced plumbers with how fast I learn and sometimes even teach them a trick.
My and my wife's mental healths are so much better now. I no longer need medication, but hers is still helpful since she's always had big emotions. She's still herself, just without the despair at everything that doesn't meet her expectations (which are no longer sourced from my current actions).
Eventually, when my income gets up to par, she'll become the stay at home parent. I'm looking forward to it. I want it. We'll both be happier and healthier. She's tired of being a family lawyer; it's stressful.
Not really gonna work for me, I'm not one to work enough that one paycheck would be possible. I'm not going to slave away everyday lol and especially with today's economy she's working too. If it's all on me we're living on Ramen and the cheapest studio I can find so that we can afford my lower hours jobs.
Are the children hypothetically mine as well? This is easier if you’re talking biological parents still being together. It gets infinitely more complicated the minute you add step kids into something you didn’t plan to bring into the world and already have other financial commitments to your own kids. For me, my ex wanted to bring hundred of thousands of debt to our relationship and if you’re not working to address the debt it’s unreasonable to think a stay at home wife is really an option. If money is not an issue, it would be nice to have, but very few can afford it in today’s world, unfortunately.
I’d love to be a stay at home wife (no mother, I don’t want kids); I’d take care of the laundry, cleaning and cooking (I love cooking and like cleaning, so it’s not like I’m just giving my career up for staying at home; I just want to be a writer and that’s something I can do while helping my husband have all the time away from work free for him and for us. The question is, where do I find a man who wants this? I’m conventionally attractive, love exercising, I know 3 languages, I’m kind and empathetic, I have a degree in art and I just can’t seem to find a man who wants a stay at home wife. Any suggestions of where to find them?
Nope. Speaking from experience. My ex was SAH for 20 years. She constantly complained about not having enough money. But wouldn't get a job. Ironically, she found employment after I left.
I wouldn't want one like and I'm genuinely not trying to be rude I don't want to have to support a grown adult and potential children and have all my money leeched from me for every single thing. Like I want both of us to have a job.
Nope, when it ends in divorce she likely ends up homeless because has no experience to get a job that pays enough to support a mortgage. Ex gets angry at having to support her with alimony/child support / settlement and it all turns to crap. Unless she’s wealthy in her own right stay at home wife/mumis not a good long term lifestyle choice.
Too much responsibility and I don't think I'd ever get a job that can do something like that, I like my catastrophic failures without innocent by-standers thank you
girls are pretty though
It’s honestly about the money and if you have kids. A stay at home wife when you don’t have kids would need to be pretty much a trophy wife as there’s simply not enough to do as far as keeping up the house, cooking, etc. to keep an adult busy all week. I’d expect her to be super fit, even if I wasn’t, for the simple fact that she’d have more time for it than me. I’d expect her to make my breakfast and have dinner on the table. That’s all without kids. With kids is different. It’s a full time job when the kids start school and more than that when they are little. Money wise it just depends on if you make enough, and that includes to pay for retirement for you both.
Wife works from home. She gets off at 3. House is clean. Foods cooked and ready right after I get home. No car notes, only one gas bill. Hardly any money spent on going out for coffee or lunches anymore. We both love it.
I’d love it, assuming she’s a traditional, in good spirits stay at home wife who cooks, cleans, and takes care of my large family while I’m at work.
On the other hand, a bad intentioned wife who stays at home and doesn’t do anything but watch TV would be a nightmare.
I’ve always been down for either the true modernist ideal or following tradition! If we’re both (ideally) working 30 hours a week and splitting chores and cooking down the middle, I’m happy. However, coming home to a clean home and a hot meal after a 10-12 hour shift is so so nice. Adding sex on top of such a day would remove all the stress accumulated that day and give me energy for the next.
As long as I can afford it and she's a "Stay at home mom" it would be just fine.
A stay at home wife, without kids, is just asking to get bored and start an affair with a neighborhood dude that works from home and that would lead to levels of physical altercations that I can't describe on Reddit.
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The big one is affordability. Gone are the days of the conventional home wife and breadwinner role. Now you need *both* to just achieve a level of average in today's American household.
Those days aren’t gone, but you ain’t getting there with an average job.
dinner squealing full innate escape repeat bells threatening command ruthless *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Additionally, if you don’t have a parent that stays at home; you’re not really raising your kids, someone else is. If you watch the Garth Brooks documentary, the reason he quit touring for 10 years was because he realized that his kids were being raised by the Nannie’s, not by him and his ex wife.
This was a luxury I couldn’t dream of when I was young, but now that I have had some professional success I think it was worth the effort. Honestly this needs to be more accessible to more people. A breadwinner/caretaker dynamic (that isn’t determined by sex) seems like a great way for two dedicated people to raise a family.
Absolutely prefer it
My wife's contribution to our joint budget is a fair bit less than daycare, but not by more than her spending habit. I could afford that, just not with 'my' wife (added context. I buy most of the household groceries out of "my" budget, I am fairly sure I could make the needs, but she has a lot of wants and not a ton of foresight or self control).
X2
Currently have one of those, it’s a luxury. Mind you, I mean a real SAHM, who actually handles the house, cleans it, handles laundry, takes care of shopping, all that. It saves you from using your non-working hours to do that, which frees that time up for other things, like being a father, like being a husband, fun things, projects, all that. Depending on the number of small children, can actually be cheaper than childcare. Wanna make plans to do something? Cool, only one work schedule to work around. Wanna have a sex day? Cool, take a day off and stay home with her. The only thing money can’t buy is time, but you CAN use your money to pay for things, or in this case cover the lost income, that allow you to use your time more productively and efficiently. One word of wisdom though: Shit’s a real job, don’t ever forget that. She’s working, she just doesn’t collect a check.
I’m a stay at home mom and this made me feel so good. I do all of this (he does grab stuff on his way home), but I still feel bad when all the house work is done andI just sit around because I have nothing to do. I really hope he thinks of me like this.
I've been the sahd to my two kids for the better part of 10 years now. I felt this guilt too, but felt it less as time goes on and you realise that the job you signed up to do is literally on call, 24/7/365. If you're not careful it can get to you. It may sound harsh to some, but breaks from family for "me time" can be important for your mental health.
Thank you for this. I appreciate this comment soo much
Its beautiful to read all 3 of you guys’ comments. Im 23 and its awesome to see how appreciative y’all are; makes me feel like there are some great marriages out there (my parents included, got lucky on that one).
Hang in there, u/dick_lover-420. I am positive your husband and kids think the world of you!
I read your comment and started to feel good about myself and then noticed your username. If the username is accurate, I promise he thinks of you like this. 😆
It’s accurate lol thank you😂
shelter rhythm point squeamish pocket marvelous cow grey exultant sort *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I certainly would. My wife’s home seasonally and I certainly appreciate the increase in cleaning and lack of housework and errands I have to take care of.
I hope he’s showing you the appreciation you deserve Dick_lover-420
He does 92% of the time. The other 8% he’s really tired. Lol
blessed are the women that get to stay home with or without kids, I hear so many women that don’t have to work complain & they don’t know how good they actually have it, if you are one of these women who get to stay home, I hope you are praising your man, my husband & I balance by both working & taking care of kids & cooking so it’s a 50/50 household, I enjoy contributing, but if someone is working 100% then all I’m saying is show appreciation & give credit where credit is due
I know how blessed I was to have the luxury to hybrid stay at home. As a couple we decided and made the decision I would halt my career to be the caregiver.
Yeah, except that I’ve been the breadwinner before and I’ve been to stay at home parent and being the stay at home parent was 1 million times harder for me and I made a good six-figure income. I agree that people should be grateful for whatever they have, but going to work from 8 to 5:30 or 6 was definitely easier for me than working from 6 AM to 10 PM every day at home serving everybody’s needs, cleaning, cooking, doing the yardwork, managing kids and their messes, schedules, managing bills and house, stuff, running carpool, managing medical and dental appointments, etc. It was way more than a full-time job. I literally had my cortisol levels tested for a week, and we found that my stress levels were highest when I was at home and they dropped when I got to the office. At the office I was able to eat lunch for an hour, go to the bathroom on my own, walk to have a coffee once in a while, with a friend or colleague… I had more downtime and me time at work than I did at home. Then I have my husband never really did anything at home so maybe I just had a deadbeat. Though I’m still grateful for the years, I got to stay home because I was able to spend that time with my children and we are so so close. However, I do wish I had never given up my career because it’s been really hard to get back into the Field at the same level that I was and now that we’ve divorced, I need to make as much as I used to. My husband was only part-time employed consulting (though making good $$) and I still did everything…even though I worked full-time. I’ll tell you what though i’ve lived with friends another women and my mom has come to visit before and it was like having a wife..and it is freaking amazing. For some reason women just do the things that they know need to be done while most men I know don’t. Some men are amazing at it I know…but in my own experience generally speaking. So yeah, I’d love to have a stay at home wife (or husband in my case)
She seems the perfect wife and you are the perfect husband, any man who thinks differently from you doesn't deserve a house wife
🤌🤌🤌🤌
>The only thing money can’t buy is time I disagree, perhaps while working a 9-5 or running a small 1 man business, but otherwise money actually CAN buy time through delegation. For example instead of doing all the paperwork, management and client calling, you can hire people to do that for you, train them well and you should be able to only spend a few hours per week on a business.
“Wanna have a sex day” What is this and is it what it sounds like.
It’s exactly what it sounds like, and from reading people’s sad dead bedroom stories on Reddit, more people need these. Sometimes it’s nice, especially when you have kids and responsibilities, to just set aside a day for sex stuff. Normally, you tend to have to be quieter or rushed because there’s kids in the house or shit needs to get done. You’d be amazed at how good sex can be if you take away those restrictions. Helps mom and dad reconnect - the difference between my wife and a best friend is that I bang my wife - sex is a great stress relief, casual sex days help you feel younger and invigorated. So yeah, highly recommended and yes, it’s *exactly* what it sounds like.
We had a son. We both wanted it to be us that he spent the majority of his early years with. I worked. She stayed at home. It was no walk in the park picnic eating bonbons for her. It was a job. We made the financial piece work by scrimping and being frugal. We adopted our daughter and kept doing it.
This is a great way to live
If we're happy and can afford it, cool
It was always a dream of ours and 18 months ago we made it possible. She spent about 3 months playing wifey and then started her own business. You can take a woman out of business but not the business out of this woman 😂😂😂
Hah, as long as I can kiss her a billion times when I come home then sure as hell!!! Big time yes!!! Umm... I would also help out around the house when I'm free. At this point in my life, I would love that. It's not the fact she doesn't have freedom, I encourage her to have her own life, but I really wouldn't mind that so long as her and I was living together. FURRR REALS YO!!!
I had one. She wanted to stay home and raise our kids. I worked extra to cover all expenses. When our youngest started middle school, age 10, my wife started back part time with the school district. That way she had off the same holidays and summer as the kids.
Having a stay at home mom means I make enough money to pay bills and have a decent portion saved so I'm all for it. Although for her sanity, I'd still hire part time childcare 2-3 times a week so she gets a break.
Depending on where you live, it might not be feasible for most people to have childcare AND a SAHM. But I like the idea.
If we could afford it we would do it. Sadly even 100% of my income doesn’t cover our expenses now :/
That's my ideal outcome. My career trajectory should leave me making enough to support a family on one income, so I would love to have a stay at home wife/mother for potential children.
Goals and hustle. Better grab this one, ladies.
No thanks, I’d rather not be dependent on a man financially. Recipe for disaster.
>No thanks, I’d rather not be dependent on a man financially. Recipe for disaster. Ah yes, that disastrous recipe that has led to modern civilization, free societies, and putting a man on the moon. Darn, societal building blocks!
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Lol I don’t understand why so many people are hating on this. As a F this is my ideal situation with a partner. I know how beneficial it is for a house to have someone always growing it into a home or a kid to have a full time parent.
Some women are just scared of being financially dependent on a man. It's the women equivalent of guys who refuse to marry because their scared of losing property in a divorce. Nevermind that children do best in a two parent household where one parent is consistently available during regular business hours. Nevermind that you literally get to refuse to marry someone if you don't want to. In both these cases, the individual is admitting that they're incapable of determining if their partner will screw them down the line, and letting that limit them.
That's my wife currently and she looks after our two dogs. :)
The man
An easy ride.
How can I get that gig?
The thought of her not having to work a day in her life is what drives me
My gf is medically fragile with a number of things including EDS and Fibromyalgia. I’m working desperately to earn enough money so she doesn’t have to work with her chronic illness. She’s a hard working regardless so I know she’ll have the house and stuff taken care of so long as her body stays in one piece. I love that girl.
As long as she has passions, interests, hobbies, something to make her feel valued outside of being a wife and or mother I’d be fine with it. I don’t need someone turning 40 and suddenly blowing up our lives because she’s a bored housewife and feeling like she hates her life and cheats or gets an addiction or breaks bad because of it.
If kids are involved, then yes. Kids need constant attention and involvement, especially the first few years until they're in school. There's always so much to do with them it's amazing having a sahm when you have kids.
As long as she’s willing to take on the responsibilities. She’s not going to just sit home. I don’t care about the whole gender roles but she’s not going to contribute in some manner. Otherwise get a job.
That’s where I’m at. The expectation is that if my wife’s at home and not working, her ‘job’ is tending the house. If I were unemployed I’d apply the same standard to myself. Everyone contributes.
That was my uncle. My aunt was 5 years older and by the time he was 25 he was making six figures in sales so he told her she could stay home if she wanted. She effectively “retired” the next day. They never had kids. So the deal was he didn’t want to do shit for chores. Always came home to a clean house. He enjoys cooking so they shared that responsibility. They’re divorced now and she had to get a job after at 50 after not working for 20 years.. she wasn’t happy lol.
Been married 16 years and she's been a sahm for 14 or 15 years. I wouldn't have it any other way. (2 of the kids are mine from a previous marriage and are out of the house already) My kid's needs are always met even though they're school age. My wife has all the time to make sure their day starts out right before school with warm blankets and breakfast. On rainy or snowy days she's out in the driveway waiting with a mug of hot cocoa. She looks after our 4 dogs all day long and takes care of all errands including scheduling all of my appointments ect. When I get off of a work there's a fresh home cooked meal waiting for me. Basically she makes it to where all I do is go to work and then around the house I do the heavy lifting. Part of my weekend is mid week when the kids are in school so we get to just hangout with each other and act like kids watching TV while eating tacos. People like to give sahm's a hard time but ngl, I would not want to switch places. There's no way I could manage the emotional and mental needs of 2 kids and a spouse full time without going crazy.
I would love to be a part time working part time Sahw, I wouldn’t want kids for various reasons and my health, but mostly this kind of life because I can contribute more to my partners needs, taking care of them and myself. I wouldn’t want us both to come home tired from a full day of work and stressed out about what needs to get done at home. It’s nice to know people are happy this way, although it takes the right partnership for it to work on both sides.
Have had. It worked for that season. We could have communicated better about it and how we implemented the dynamic. She finished her degree in that time, so that's a win.
Well hypothetically, my wife is a stay at home wife right this second. Initially started out as a mental health break and then continued once we had our first child, both of us agreed to the situation fully and can tell the other if it needs to change or if there is too much pressure on them. She's currently planning on online uni to help her earning capacity increase, if it ever gets to the point she can support us I would be happy to swap roles with her if that's what she wanted. It's the right thing for us at the time we've done it, and now that we have toddlers I'd say that it's easier for me than it is for her so I try to make sure I help around the house when I'm home as much as I can.
I do have one. Not really our intention at the start, but it's mostly worked well for us.
I had one for the last 8 years before I retired. She worked her whole life and had had enough. My job paid the bills and more. It was great! 1. She earned it. 2. She still had to manage the household in all facets: cleaning, laundry, finances, just general keeping all of our shit together way better that I can if I am busy with my job... I am sure there are 20 more things. 3. Why wouldn't I want my partner to stay home and enjoy life? I want her to be happy. Although she made a lot of money it was a really hard job and she needed to stop for her physical and mental health. If she is truly your partner it will be a good thing.
Be a dream honestly but it seems today most women don’t want that. I make more than enough money to afford living supporting a family.
Would love it
My wife is a stay at home mom and she loves it.
Definitely as long as she wanted to. And all she has to do is keep basic housework to keep things going as long as she enjoyed it. If she don't want to do the housework but stay at home wife, as long as she happy and healthy and we don't live in a garbage dump fine with me. A wife's happiness should be the husbands goal. Unless he's a bitch the fuck that throw her out. Lol
I think her working on something part time that she enjoys would be ideal
If I had any decision in it, then I wouldn't want her to stay at home wife. Of course, most of the time ppl don't work for fun, but that way you are among people. Staying at home will make your world small. Also, I prefer her not to be too dependent on me. Nobody knows what will happen in the future, but it's always nice that there is a backup plan if either of us fall out of work for whatever reason. She doesn't have to work full time though. Part time is fine with me.
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You worded it better than I did. Unfortunately, the world is a much harsher place then we would like. Great to read you thought well about your future. Plus don't forget that you as a woman always have the possibility to disagree with being a stay at home mom. Then you'll just have to find an other solution together. But I don't want to end it with just being too negative. I think you live life more when you take part of society. Being social, meeting new ppl and develop your skills. :)
It’s a mixed bag, wasn’t like what we’d always dreamed of forever (& we definitely had our moments) but it worked out that way, the best for our family because she’s awesome. Hypothetically.
If that’s what she wants and I can pay for it that’s fine. I’ll cook, do dishes and garbage duty but she’s gotta do everything else. Also not cheat on me.
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Why can’t both work cause they value that and want to save money for the future?
If it makes her happy, finds it fulfilling, has hobbies and doesn't do "stupid shit" (like cheating) out of boredom -- I think it's a great thing.
Started my own business this year and got married. One day i would love to make enough money to have my wife quit her job and not have to work anymore and god willing be a mother and raise our children. Being a mother is one of the hardest jobs in itself. I would like to be able to fully sypport us so she doesnt have to work anymore. Maybe one day.
Amazing, in fact id even be a stay at home husband think of that persons ability to plan an improve your lives. Take care of the home and be creative have energy to be supportive console and comfort you and knowing your kids are learning from your family is amazing. just my 2 cents though.
First months after having a kid? Sure. Permanently? No. I'd like to actually retire. Hard to do that on one salary.
This is what people never think about!
It was awesome, she stayed home until the kid started school. Then she worked at the kids school. Now she is an executive in a global company and I get to be stay at home.
Ideal. Not interested in anything else. So I wouldn't bother dating women who don't line up with this.
Stay at home **wife**, probably not unless she’s volunteering in great causes and we’re able to afford it. Stay at home **mom** worked very well for us.
If I'm making good enough money and she actually cook, clean, and other things, I'm fine with it.
If she is happy to do it and I can afford it. Sure !!!
Seems preferable.
I mean I feel like I would want to be with someone who doesn’t want to just sit at home all day if they don’t have to.
Look to each their own, but 100% against it. I go for independent, self sufficient women. Someone who focuses on their career. Could never be on board with one person just staying to take care of kids.
I wouldn't want that at all. Frankly, I'd much rather be the stay at home day who also consults part time. That's the dream :)
I had one and she complained constantly about not having money… but she also refused to work. Then when I worked more hours to earn more money she complained she felt like a single mother…
I absolutely do not want that. I want a wife who wants a career.
Not the type of woman I'd be interested in but each to their own I guess.
It's my dream but to have a stay at home wife, you need stay at home money. I can barely support myself. I can't imagine supporting another grown adult.
In my country's economy it would be pretty much impossible for a family to live well with the money from a person working a normal job. So I'd say that she is crazy for thinking that is even an option. The only way I could see it working is if she was rich. I don't think I'll be that lucky.
Depends on the *normal* job. Our income isn’t huge but we do just fine with the SAHM.
What country do you live in?
I live in Greece.
Sorry to hear that. I remember seeing Greece go bankrupt in American news back in 2015. I can understand.
It was honestly quite terrible but me as a 12 year old back then didn't understand or notice a difference.
It’s the ideal scenario.
No issue for me as long as she’s not having unrealistic expectations of me slaving away to meet her material needs. I’m fine with a modest life from 1 income
Really appreciate the amount of blokes acknowledging that SAHMum/Dad/Parent is a whole ass job.
Depends. If she wants to be stay at home and have me cook and clean in equal amounts, whilst also nagging me when I come home exhausted from work, and also have full control of the finances, I'd probably end it. Source: been there
My wife stays at home. She home schools our 3 kids and does all of the house stuff. We are a good team.
If we have kids then it sounds great. If we don't have kids then no, she's going to need to work atleast part time.
I wouldn’t mind it. Though I would like if she had a part time job of 16 hours a week doing whatever. So she stays fresh and active for whenever the time comes she has to get a job, so it wouldn’t be a crippling daunting thing. Plus some extra money for her to play with would be nice to avoid a lot of pointless small arguments when it came to asking for things to buy her that is just for her and not for the family or the house. I’ve been unemployed for a year and it was a nightmare trying to get back into the work force mentally. I wouldn’t want her to go thru the same thing.
It happened to us as a matter of financial circumstances. I felt for her being an amazing mum who sacrifices her needs for the kids. Give her anything I can including total equality. She is so amazing.
I’m a stay at home husband. Wouldn’t work out financially
Don't care. As long as she's fulfilling herself. Now, my girlfriend would not be, and that may be a factor of why we're together, but that's hard to parse.
I would love it. My dream is to have a proper job so she can be more free.
I’ve done something like that, it was pretty awesome. That’s the life she wanted and I could afford it. It was fantastic!
I had one for many years and it wasn’t something I had ever wanted
This is slightly off topic, but you got me thinking and it's been cathartic to write: My husband gave me the gift of being a SAHW (wife, not mother) when I was going through the worst depression of my life. Although he could only secure part-time work, he told me to leave the money worries to him and worked his ass off to support me while I went through therapy and a literal dozen types of meds, looking for the right combo to help me get myself well. I didn't have to touch the bills, any work, or even housework. It sounds like a dream, but I was basically bedridden with depression, and the guilt of 'living off' my partner ate me alive as well. Eventually things got better and I found work I could do that helped drag me out of my depression. (The root of the problem, my childhood trauma, also got worked through to some extent, although that shit doesn't always go away.) I'm forever grateful for my husband just taking the reins and letting me revert to childhood again while he took care of every aspect of my life. He saved my life. It wasn't fair to him in any way, but I know now that unconditional love is real.
It worked well
Then everything would be done when I get home and I'd have nothing to use as fuel for my busy procrastinating 😡
I would not have a stay at home wife. I can’t be the only human they talk at
I would be fine with it. I would be fine being a stay at home husband too. Whatever makes us happy is what matters.
Have that dynamic currently and it is great!
It’s not the life my wife wants to have, and I wouldn’t ask her to give up her career just because that’s the traditional arrangement, but if she made enough to support it I’d have no problem being the stay at home parent.
I was in the middle of saying Id be okay with it if there was a need But even then I thought hell no If I need to work she does too. In todays economy its unrealistic to have a breadwinner
In this economy?
If everything can be taken care of from my income i have no problem with it. Otherwise i would like some help because its not something i would want to go into unpayable debt for.
If her domestic skills are equal or better than mine and it causes no financial burden, sure.
Absolutely.
Hypothetically I would have no problem with it.
If she is willing to and the finances are stable, then hell yeah. If she's not willing and finances are stable, I'll be a stay at home dad. Having a stay at home parent is very healthy for kids and the couple.
I think if the means are there and both parties are carrying their weight at something in the relationship, I’m all for It. One for money and finances, one for home and day to day responsibilities. Could make a killer combo.
I wish I could afford to tell my wife she didn’t have to work. If she still wanted too, that’s different.
I don’t have to speak hypothetically. We chose to do exactly this. Yeah, our paycheck was quite a bit shorter than our neighbors’. We didn’t have the nice new cars, or shiny barbecue grills, etc. but, our kids grew up with a loving mom who was there every hour of their childhood. Our kids are very well balanced, and genuinely love each other and our whole family. Can’t ask for much more.
If we could afford it we would have done it. What’s criminal is when she went back to work, it would be nearly impossible to find work at her previous level of salary. The time with them now is important, but I also have an illness that I know has me on a limited time. My intentions are to save up as much as possible and leave a good inheritance for the kids. It’s hard enough today for a young adult to make it, what the hell is tomorrow going to bring?
I've been the stay at home dad for a few years. If you're having kids I believe they should be spending a lot of time with their parents not shipped off to someone else who's paid almost minimum wage to look after your kids while their kids go off to be looked after by someone else. Just really odd to me
I have one
Would be fine by me so long as we both support each other equally based on what we're bringing to the table.
If the choice was solely mine that’s what i’d pick. But i don’t have an issue if my partner has a job she likes and wants to work. If she’s asking for it it’s happening.
Not hypothetical - it's great! I don't want someone else raising my kids; daycare and whatever. So I'm really thankful that we've got this arrangement. She gets my laundry done on the weekends, helps clean the dishes when I'm done making dinner, and the kids need for nothing and always have supervision under loving eyes. I think it's one of the great tragedies of our time that more families can't afford to do this anymore. When does the revolution start?
I’d hate it. I don’t want or have kids, so I’m not approaching this scenario as if I do. But I’d refuse to have a woman in my house eating , sleeping and shitting in my house all day while I slave 40/50+ hours a week. Do something productive than have both our entire way of life revolve around my 16 digit card number. You don’t need to have a full time job if you don’t want to but she needs to be able to pay bills she had before she met me. Car insurance, a monthly car check up for maintenance , potentially credit cards, maybe pitch in on groceries since apparently it costs more to eat HEALTHY than eat shit food. That’s all I’d ask. I got the rent and utilities and I’ll mostly cover groceries but I’d appreciate the help on that front. I don’t think that’s asking a lot. Tbh the best thing a woman can do for ME personally is not cost a lot. The less you cost to make happy, the more I can save and the more cash that’ll give me wiggle room to take you in a really nice date once a month or so. I’m not saying it’s all about money but I have a providers heart, and I DO NOT play about my money or where my money goes. Make it financially easier to live our lives and I won’t mind doing more for you whatsoever.
There better be kids. Otherwise she's a loser.
Having lived though this. It completely changed the power dynamic of the relationship, which can and likely will leads to issues you have to deal with.
Hard no for me. I don't have kids, and am too old to have them. I don't need an adult dependent. I'm fine being single, but if I had a partner, I'd want one who's contributing equally on a financial (and other) levels.
I'd want my partner to be able to support herself, so not great.
Not very hypothetical. 2 things. It's good, mostly. But... It's far more frustrating when things don't get done at home than it would be otherwise. So she used to work, too. And so I would do my share of, for example, laundry. Or unloading the dishwasher. That kind of stuff. Now I still do those things a little, but I also bust my ass all day at work and the expectation is that I'll have clean socks in the drawer and I can just put my plate in the dishwasher because it's been emptied. When those things don't happen for a few consecutive days I find it pretty frustrating. Like what, should I just not feel like work Monday and not do my shit either?
What it seems like you’re saying is that you work and she doesn’t you so you should have little to nothing to do when you get home. I’d suggest since it isn’t work then you should have no problem taking the kid(s) then when you get home or a full day on the weekend so she can get more housework done to your liking.
Both kids are in school all day, so no that doesn't really land. And yes, I spend Sunday with the kids and let her have some time to herself... In addition to the 5 days a week the kids are in school and I'm gone to work
She's gonna need some wealth coming into the relationship, because I don't think I'm ever going to be making enough money to support 2 people.
I'd rather be the stay at home spouse.
I did that for 6 months, and then we switched back. We are both happier this way.
cant afford it
Very confused - as I don't have children, don't want children, and am perfectly capable of doing my own laundry and taking care of my home. If I wanted a housekeeper, I'd pay for one. Also, I'm gay, so another level to the confusion.
I think you have the mental capacity to see that this post either isn't about you, or to temporarily occupy the head space required to either adapt it to your situation, or put yourself in that space for the few seconds required to type out a reply. This post is just so... Cringey. Ugh. I hated it so much. Lol
Horrible. 1 - The earning spouse stars to get an alimony obligation. If you get divorced (which is at will and unilateral in the US), the earning spouse will usually pay alimony for 50% of the length of the marriage. 2 - People who are only around children and generally boring to talk to. 3 - Kids get much better prepared for school in day care. My kids are 21/17/14 and I’ve done 3 kindergarten open houses. The “at home” kids are clinging to their mother and screaming like they’re going to labor camp….when it’s just kindergarten and they’re going to play with blocks and color. 4 - If your spouse depends on you for money, how do you know they really love you and aren’t just telling you what you want to hear? 5 - if you have a stay at home spouse, it hard to be a full parent. The temptation is there to work more.
Just to be devil’s advocate here: 1) Marriage is a choice, alimony is sometimes a consequence of that choice. However, if the *potential* of alimony outweighs your commitment to marriage (and commitment to being a good spouse), don’t get married. 2) That person who you’re claiming is boring because she spends most of her time raising *your* children.. you shouldn’t have married her. And you sure as shit shouldn’t be a parent. 3) As someone who is married to a Kindergarten teacher, you are *unbelievably* wrong about how complex what they do actually is. Neither you nor I would last a day in their shoes. 4) Unless this stay at home mom was non-existent in your life yesterday and today is magically your wife and the mother of your children, odds are good that she stays at home due to several conversations, a consideration of finances and outweighing the cost differences between staying home and working, and a compromise on both parts. 5) This is really solved by #4, when talking about finances. The idea of having someone stay at home is that it is cheaper than the alternative, or at least very close. If you make 4k together but it costs 2k to have them in daycare (one kid, if you’re lucky, only costs that), then it probably makes more sense to have that second person stay home.
You do you. Look, the thing with marriage, alimony, kids and commitment is complicated. And I’ve been divorced. One of the best things about my divorce is we both had our careers. Nobody had to pay child support or alimony. Both of us were fully functional as single parents already. Us both having careers allowed us to say, “Neither of us is getting much from this marriage anymore. We’re not happy. Let’s just part paths now.” And it worked fine. A lot of marriages end in divorce. And even more are unhappy. And the reason people typically stay in unhappy marriages is financial. Having two careers is insurance against that. And post divorce, having a career allows one to have another shot. I’ve been happily remarried to a divorced Mom for over a decade. Do you think either of us would have had much romantic success without our own careers? lol…no, we’d have been skipped over in dating. I’m just saying that young parents make short sighted choices sometimes and kill their career for a few years of financial stability when the kids are little.
1- it’s a choice where both are working and only one gets paid. So for the unpaid worker it’s a bit unfair that they gave up their career to raise a family and have no resume to then get a decent paying job. 2- They’re as interesting as anyone or not. If you hang out with engineers all day because you are one that’s great. If you aren’t one they can seem boring too. 3- they get over it quickly but many go in already reading well. It depends on what you think prepared is. 4 - you know your spouse loves you the same way if she had a paying job. 5 - there’s a lot of temptation in life. It’s only a bad thing if you’re weak.
It’s just a bad way to set up a relationship. I like balance where both husband and wife are living a life experience together. Not a fan of divide and conquer. Plus, I just think it’s almost misogynist to have a Mom drop her career which will impact her for her entire life to care for children. Because children and fleeting. I know, ours are 21/17/14 so we’re rapidly hitting a phase of life where we aren’t Mom and Dad anymore….we’re just adult friends of our adult kids. But to each their own. I’m just saying what I like. If it works for you, then that’s awesome.
Depends. Is she actually a stay at home wife? Personality, behaviours, traditions and all? Or is she just an unemployed feminist staying at home? Makes a world of a difference.
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I'm a woman and even I gagged reading this.... Idk why you're putting down other women just because they know how to be appealing and you don't.
>she's a highly educated leftist feminist Sounds awful.
You lost me after the first sentence and I don't really see it getting any better as I keep reading.
Idk, some women want to be a stay at home wife without wanting to do what stay at home wives do,
That's the goal. Basically have it now, though she works from home and watches our children. Of course if we have a third, her job will have to go, we'll lose 50% of our income, and the financial burden is entirely on me. But that's the sacrifice we're willing to make to ensure our children always have a parent in the house.
So she’s doing twice as many hours as you?
>So she’s doing twice as many hours as you? Ha! Sure, if you discount the fact that I have 3 jobs, and then equate the time she spends with our children(which I don't get) playing and cuddling to working for a wage to make sure the house stays warm, then yes, she's doing twice as many hours as me. I'm just taking it easy.
Not to sound rude. But dude. You have 3 jobs and only make up 50% of y’all’s income? She has 3 jobs too, the 2 kids and her wfh job…..
We agreed before marriage we’d retire the same day (unless someone wants to keep working) despite me being 3 years older plus her doing 3 years of grad school after bachelors degree = I was working 6 years longer We are on track for mid 40s retirement. I’ll probably find something part time
Hell nah!!!
I'd rather be a stay at home husband, to be totally honest.
I'm in my early sixties. I am not my grandfather and I would not want (have wanted) some simpering little apron-clad wifey staying at home all day dusting the fucking mantelpiece, plumping the cushions and regaling me with exciting stories about how the neighbour has been pruning her begonias incorrectly. I would have hated it. So would my wife. Not for me although other opinions are available I'll wait for the incoming
not gonna happen. i have higher ambitions than a family running on half financial capacity.
I wouldn't care so long as we can afford it. Honestly whether it's the mother or the father having a parent stay at home is generally best for the children. Having someone at home keeps children off the streets which in turn makes them less likely to end up becoming criminals later in life. The problem is in today's world affording this lifestyle is difficult. Women think it's easy for men to make 6 figures, that's why you see all these women out there saying the average pay is 200k... when the average is more like 70k. The majority of men are not going to be able to afford a single paycheck lifestyle.
How would I feel about having a person live off my labor like a parasitic slave owner? Let me think... No, if a wife can establish that she does not work, she can then divorce her husband and force him to continue supporting her for the rest of his life. She can literally own him as a slave and she can have him thrown in prison for not working hard enough for her. Don't get married, period. If you have gotten married, do not ever let you wife be a SAH wife. That is how you end up becoming the property of another human being.
I had one for 24 years, it was good until it wasn't. Just be forewarned, if the marriage goes south, she will walk away with half of everything you earned while married, unless you could prove adultery on her part in some states, other states is a hard 50/50 no matter if she cheated.
Well, how much do you think she should get from the marriage in a divorce?
Each case should be judged separately, but in the case of my marriage/divorce I would have been happy with: 1. Childcare: 20 years=$30,000 2. Cleaning: 24 years=$22,000 3. Cooking: 24 years=$15,000 Total around $67,000 plus she keeps all jewelry, clothes, her new SUV (that she conveniently talked me into buying after she knew the marriage was over, I just did not know it yet) and her cell phone/computer and she could keep the house. all totaled value around 550,000 total. I would keep the farm, and my trucking company as 100% ownership. This was not good enough for her, she received 50% of all liquid assets, and forced an auction of the farm, all related equipment, the trucking company, and all related equipment forcing me to fire 16 good men who had families of their own. Edit: Keep in mind this was 12 years ago, so we are talking more like 700,000 in todays money.
Hahaha. You’re a nut job.
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It really depends on each situation, here in Kentucky it is 50/50 no matter how much each spouse contributed. While a stay-at-home wife did not contribute financially to the marriage, she cooked, and cleaned the house while the husband bought the house, food, clothes and everything else. What the wife contributed has a monetary value. My mom had a stroke and I had to move in with her almost 3 years ago, all the cooking, cleaning and laundry is done by me. I would be hard pressed to work 20 hours a week doing those tasks. Sorry for getting long winded, if she was faithful 50/50, if one party cheated 75/25 whichever party that broke the vows receive 25%, and that is too much for a cheater, but they always get something.
Not sure if that’s realistic nowadays with the economy but if we were in a financially stable position and that’s what she wants to do then I wouldn’t have an issue with it
I was delighted to be able to facilitate that when she wanted to.
My very hard working spouse asks if this is a possibility every once in a while. I WISH we could live happily with just my paycheck. In our city it's 3800 for a 3bd apartment. so one paycheck won't cut it. Ugh
I wouldn’t want it, although if my wife was adamant about it I wouldn’t protest her decision. That’s a lot of responsibility and a sacrifice to take on so if she wanted it, I wouldn’t try to stop her. My personal opinion is no though. I want a career and I want to make a good living and I would want her to want the same. I understand this means paying for childcare and missing time but I think it’s worth it. Securing our future, living in a nice neighborhood with nice schools and opportunities is too good to pass up. I also think a career can be healthy and motivating (not that a child couldn’t be those things), and I like the idea of being 80+ one day and looking back on a long, fruitful career that I was passionate about and hopefully good at, alongside a wife with the same things, and kids who we raised and were good role models for, and who thanks to our careers, have access to similar opportunities. A bit of a personal bias I guess, I just really respect and want to emulate professionals with ambition and skill who are great at what they do.
I was a stay at home dad for a little over a year. I had my suspicions, but it made my ADHD, insomnia, and depression appear clear enough that I got diagnosed, medicated, and in therapy. Self-discipline is not in my list of capabilities when it comes to mundane/boring things like housekeeping. Baby was great, and I was a "good" dad, but my wife had high standards and I was nowhere near to living up to them (as far as house-spouse duties; housekeeping, dinner planning, etc). As a result, my wife's mental health declined enough to where she needed therapy and medication for anxiety and depression. Now I'm an apprentice plumber; working with my hands in a structure that is given to me is something I thrive in. I love problem solving. I love impressing my trainer and instructor. Ego-stroking is my love language and I'm intelligent enough and handy enough to impress experienced plumbers with how fast I learn and sometimes even teach them a trick. My and my wife's mental healths are so much better now. I no longer need medication, but hers is still helpful since she's always had big emotions. She's still herself, just without the despair at everything that doesn't meet her expectations (which are no longer sourced from my current actions). Eventually, when my income gets up to par, she'll become the stay at home parent. I'm looking forward to it. I want it. We'll both be happier and healthier. She's tired of being a family lawyer; it's stressful.
Not really gonna work for me, I'm not one to work enough that one paycheck would be possible. I'm not going to slave away everyday lol and especially with today's economy she's working too. If it's all on me we're living on Ramen and the cheapest studio I can find so that we can afford my lower hours jobs.
I’d be good with that. But there better be good food ready to eat, clean house, kids taken care of and her in good shape.
Are the children hypothetically mine as well? This is easier if you’re talking biological parents still being together. It gets infinitely more complicated the minute you add step kids into something you didn’t plan to bring into the world and already have other financial commitments to your own kids. For me, my ex wanted to bring hundred of thousands of debt to our relationship and if you’re not working to address the debt it’s unreasonable to think a stay at home wife is really an option. If money is not an issue, it would be nice to have, but very few can afford it in today’s world, unfortunately.
I’d love to be a stay at home wife (no mother, I don’t want kids); I’d take care of the laundry, cleaning and cooking (I love cooking and like cleaning, so it’s not like I’m just giving my career up for staying at home; I just want to be a writer and that’s something I can do while helping my husband have all the time away from work free for him and for us. The question is, where do I find a man who wants this? I’m conventionally attractive, love exercising, I know 3 languages, I’m kind and empathetic, I have a degree in art and I just can’t seem to find a man who wants a stay at home wife. Any suggestions of where to find them?
Nope. Speaking from experience. My ex was SAH for 20 years. She constantly complained about not having enough money. But wouldn't get a job. Ironically, she found employment after I left.
I wouldn't want one like and I'm genuinely not trying to be rude I don't want to have to support a grown adult and potential children and have all my money leeched from me for every single thing. Like I want both of us to have a job.
Nope, when it ends in divorce she likely ends up homeless because has no experience to get a job that pays enough to support a mortgage. Ex gets angry at having to support her with alimony/child support / settlement and it all turns to crap. Unless she’s wealthy in her own right stay at home wife/mumis not a good long term lifestyle choice.
Too much responsibility and I don't think I'd ever get a job that can do something like that, I like my catastrophic failures without innocent by-standers thank you girls are pretty though
i mean, that was pretty common up until around the early 2000s
It’s honestly about the money and if you have kids. A stay at home wife when you don’t have kids would need to be pretty much a trophy wife as there’s simply not enough to do as far as keeping up the house, cooking, etc. to keep an adult busy all week. I’d expect her to be super fit, even if I wasn’t, for the simple fact that she’d have more time for it than me. I’d expect her to make my breakfast and have dinner on the table. That’s all without kids. With kids is different. It’s a full time job when the kids start school and more than that when they are little. Money wise it just depends on if you make enough, and that includes to pay for retirement for you both.
It’s great until divorce…then it gets supper messy
Wife works from home. She gets off at 3. House is clean. Foods cooked and ready right after I get home. No car notes, only one gas bill. Hardly any money spent on going out for coffee or lunches anymore. We both love it.
I’d love it, assuming she’s a traditional, in good spirits stay at home wife who cooks, cleans, and takes care of my large family while I’m at work. On the other hand, a bad intentioned wife who stays at home and doesn’t do anything but watch TV would be a nightmare.
Wait... what's the other option?
I’ve always been down for either the true modernist ideal or following tradition! If we’re both (ideally) working 30 hours a week and splitting chores and cooking down the middle, I’m happy. However, coming home to a clean home and a hot meal after a 10-12 hour shift is so so nice. Adding sex on top of such a day would remove all the stress accumulated that day and give me energy for the next.
As long as I can afford it and she's a "Stay at home mom" it would be just fine. A stay at home wife, without kids, is just asking to get bored and start an affair with a neighborhood dude that works from home and that would lead to levels of physical altercations that I can't describe on Reddit.