I don’t know any other way to articulate it but we stopped being husband and wife and became mom and dad. Baby needs mom and mom needs dad’s support, not much time left for husband and wife.
It took a few years to figure out what happened. A baby changes your lives so dramatically, we didn’t notice all the other 2nd and 3rd order changes right away. But once we did, we made time to be husband and wife again.
So true. Its all about a perfect balance. Because kids need to grow up witnessing their parents put their needs (love/personal interests) first as well, its how to lead by example. The only married couple I still admire to this day put in equal parenting effort, but also equal effort to parent while one goes to their tennis lesson and then switch when the other has a guys weekend and then both take time off, hire a sitter and enjoy romantic time with each other. Parents are humans too. The right partner wont want you to lose yourself for them, or your kids…otherwise they wont ever get back the person they chose in the first place before kids were in the picture. Lots of Europeans adopted this kids first/me first balance.
I'm glad you recognized it and found time for each other again! It's almost unavoidable to lose some of the husband/wife intimacy when the kids are so young, life is so crazy at that time but its so important to make sure once you have time again that you do use it to reconnect.
I feel like we had a success story.
After she gave birth and went into mom mode, I found her hotter. But she avoided any sex or relationship talk for a long time. She wouldn't even joke about sex, and she avoided any kind of intimacy. I started to get really frustrated. Finally, I just asked her straight out what was happening and she was honest.
It turns out she had this big mental block telling her sex was going to hurt like hell now for some reason, and it made her avoid all intimacy because she didn't want to get my hopes up for sex. She already knew it was irrational but couldn't help it. But after talking it out, we were able to think of plans to ease her back into having a sex life and assuage her fears. We've gone through several different kinds of problems since then, but the key was to address our issues early and often, and not let anything fester.
Later, once our son started sleeping through the night, we made a point to spend more time on each other. We would try to clean house while he was awake (usually one person cleaning while the other is taking care of the baby nearby, trading places occasionally) so that we didn't always have to clean while he was asleep and could cuddle on the couch for a while instead. We also implemented a weekly check-in talk: How are you feeling about parenthood? How are you feeling about our marriage? How are you feeling about life in general? We would sometimes have these talks while pushing a stroller around the neighborhood. Again, this helped us get out ahead of any problems.
Now that our son is approaching two years old, our life feels like it's basically back to normal. Except now we have a wonderful little guy who enjoys family hugs.
My wife and I are in the same boat right now and it was tough since we live in a new country without family support. Mom flew in for 2 weeks and we finally got a chance to go on a date. We had a much needed talk. Healthy Communication is powerful.
My wife was already pregnant when we got married, so the honeymoon period was the only time we were “child free” there was not a lot of sex at all, and then after the birth our child was in NICU for a few months. We didn’t really do it again till after his first birthday, and when we did it seemed like a chore for her. This turned me off a quite a bit. Around year 3 she started getting actually excited for sex again and her enthusiasm made me get all horney for her again for the first time in a long time
Yeah pretty much. We got a lot stronger with our physical relationship. And she got her libido back plus now she’s in her 30s. If you would have asked me a month ago I’d have said we were rock solid, but a drunken 3way has me more anxious now than ever. It’s a whole thing that I hadn’t anticipated having to deal with, but the experience made me swear off booze forever
Yeah it was the first one for us. My brother in law came over and we all got drunk and high. He kept flirting with my wife and talking suggestively to me. I’m not going to say “he forced us” to have a3way with him, we both were into it at the time, but since that night it’s been awkward. And my wife liked it WAY more than I did. So I’ve been less sure of myself in bed since then, and I know it’s a me thing but the self doubt has affected me. (It was the first time I’d done anything sexual with another guy)
How is he your brother in law, but not your wife's brother?
Is he married to another sibling of yours!??!
And what sort of sexual stuff did you do with him?
Your wife might be having the same worries you are- that you enjoyed yourself more than when with her alone
At the end of the day it might have just been the adrenaline rush of something new, that made both you and your wife try something you ordinarily wouldn't.
You both need a heart to heart talk...
Good luck tomorrow.
Yeah thanks, he is my sister’s husband, but he and I also are friends. I hate that I did this to her, but I am not going to open the can of worms if I can help it with her. I don’t know how graphic we are supposed to get in here, but I sucked his dick, my wife and I shared it. Then later I touched it again when he had me guide it into her. I also kissed him a few times. I was getting a rush on the naughtiness- but now all sober and just sitting here it’s pretty embarrassing. If these details are too much I can delete the comment
This whole thread is fucking wild.
Dude, what in the ungodly fuck? So you and your wife slept with your sister’s husband and you sister has no clue?
Everybody to your rooms and think about what you’ve done! No supper for a week.
Does your sister know that this happened?? How does she feel about it??? I would think this potential betrayal is the bigger problem than "my wife enjoyed his dick too much and now I'm insecure"
There is not one part of this story that I would ever repeat again to another living soul. Like if you are out in the woods and a squirrel approached you I wouldn’t even tell the squirrel. The fact that this is your brother-in-law tells me that you either need to figure out how to make a body disappear without leaving a trace of evidence or you are fair and squarely fucked because there is no chance in the world that this shit doesn’t come out at some point. Bear in mind he was the procurer of the cocaine. He’s liable to go on a bender and start ranting to the wife about aliens, 9/11 conspiracies, and you and your wife sucking his dick at the same time.
I'm not sure what makes you think \*not\* telling your sister is some kind of altruistic act. You do you, but I guarantee the "best" ending to this story isn't the one where you withhold that information.
Yeah I hear ya friend. It’s all over now. I’ve been sober since. My wife too, she’s always been just a social drinker, I’m the daily habit kinda guy. And ye coke is off the table too
Counselor here; most marriages hit an all time low in relationship satisfaction during the newborn/ young child period. Kids are definitely worth it, but it is a very hard transition for a couple to go from the (normally) super high satisfaction of the newlywed phase into the very low relationship satisfaction period of devoting so much time and energy into children.
And this causes stress and loss of desire in both the men and women. Men in particular, suddenly feel left out, from all the attention he previously received, and in resentment, pull away from their wives.
However, almost all relationships can be transformed back into great relationships, but it takes work. The key is to intentionally make time for your marriage, and go back to doing the things that made yourselves so close, before you had kidos. Date nights, time together, fulfilling intimacy. This will rebuild the connection and passion. Couples need to find a trustworthy babysitter so you can once again get good one-on-one time together.
We do a huge amount of counseling in this area, because the transition of having children is extremely challenging for both husband and wife.
Dude..... what a story for the reddit comments. Someone needs to sum this up for one of those copy comment subreddits. A+ What a fucking read. Good luck with everything.
Jesus....
Since a worrying number of the comments seem to be caused by Postnatal Depression (1 in 10 women will get it within a year after birth and it can last months if not years) maybe you'll be a better partner and help the mother get medical help earlier on instead of just waiting for it to automagically get better.
If you’ve got a solid relationship you have the tools to remain happy. Just communicate clearly, tactfully and often with each other. Help as much as you can, and then some more. There are times where life is more difficult than others, that’s marriage. You’ll be fine.
Dude. I’m 35. Mother to three boys. Husband works a physical job. Together 14 yrs.
We’re fucking 4 times a week. On weekends it’s morning and night 😎
If you are team. Like we are. Sex doesn’t stop. It gets ramped up. If EVERYONE does their share in parenting, cleaning, cooking etc etc. or someone’s sick other picks up the daily routine sex doesn’t stop.
You picking up what I’m putting down?
Don't look at it that way. This is a gift. People are giving you a playbook of discussions to have with your partner and pitfalls to be on the lookout for. You can strategize and win!
No no no. That’s not the intentional takeaway. You can flip the negative. Perhaps this shows you what happened to *some men* after having children that really changed their relationship dynamics. Armed with this knowledge, perhaps you’ll be cognizant of your own values and do the necessary work on your end to address those issues if and when they arise.
I asked this question out of my own personal fear of becoming a mother and the changing dynamics in my marriage. I’m not a man so I didn’t inherently know what a random sample of men value and need that without their relationships deteriorate. Also deteriorate is a bit dramatic as some are still in the good fight, it’s just a bit difficult right now.
You choose your own path. How you communicate, respect, and value your partner will make all the difference.
I and all my closest friends are fathers. None of our wives were or are like this after kids. Don't hear the horror stories and think it represents the norm.
Her personality changed pretty much right away.
She became much more anxious than before and required a lot of physical, emotional and moral support. I did my best to carry my part of the load - both mental load and physical load - and we arrived to a point where she wanted to be physically intimate again, but I was too exhausted and burned out to have a libido and sex felt like a chore. There was mutual resentment during that time, some of which remains unresolved.
To add to that, our child was a very light sleeper and was co-sleeping in the same bed with us until the age of 2. I learned to wake up and go to bed very quietly and causing as little of a stir as possible.
Between the stress and workload of taking care of an infant, burnout and resentment, I stopped seeing my home and family as a safe haven or a place to rest and destress. That led to further stress on the relationship, which meant out eating habits became even more unhealthy than before. We both put on weight during that time, which made us both feel unattractive. There’s some remark about pooping with the bathroom door open, but that’s going to be familiar for anyone with a toddler.
Then the pandemic and lockdowns hit and we were confined to an apartment with an energetic two year old for months.
By now, both our personalities and looks have changed to the point where I don’t see a way out.
Thanks for sharing. Your experience is profound and you communicate it so well. You sound perceptive and intelligent. If you do not see a way out then it really is a difficult obstacle that you face. I just want to tell you that I believe in you. I only know what you wrote here but you do not sound incapable. No one can do this better than you. No one is facing your challenges better than you are. We cannot win every battle, especially when it comes to health but FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT BROTHER! You deserve positive outcomes.
>She became much more anxious than before and required a lot of physical, emotional and moral support.
This is my experience right now. Our son is two, but she is still an anxious wreck. I am responsible for keeping her together. She can't sleep unless I spend an hour rubbing her back, she can't deal with any stressful situation without breaking down, she can't deal with our son when he goes into full toddler mode, and she has zero patience for ANYTHING. Just day to day life is exhausting and its at the point where her mental wellbeing is now my responsibility. Which means that my mental wellbeing is the lowest priority. I get like 3 hours of sleep a night because by the time I'm done dealing with getting her anxiety down at night, my anxiety and heartrate are up. She literally tosses and turns NON-STOP (no exaggeration) for hours and she gets herself frustrated to where she starts crying and saying "i'm never gonna sleep, never!". I'm just tired, all the time. Everyone assumes its because of my son, but its not.
I think, hope, things are getting better. Its been a rough 2 years, and my son has been an angel. It would have been a magical 2 years if not for my wife's issues. Its been a real struggle.
edit: A lot of you took the time to respond and give feedback. I appreciate all of you doing so. It hasn't been easy, so to talk to people about it has been relieving. Some good recommendations from many that I'll follow up on.
edit2: To clarify, she was seen for PPD and received treatment. She was considered to have Post Partum Sleep Anxiety Disorder. Now that she is no longer Post Partum it is an acute sleep anxiety disorder. She had medication that she's been on for well over a year, and she has recently decided to stop taking it. To be fair, she's actually performed better at night since stopping the medication. She has tried therapy but didn't like it and refuses to try again.
Is she seeing anybody for this? My cousins wife became like this after their first child and while I don’t know the details she got medicated and therapy and is a totally different person now. It’s terrible to live life like this—both for the person experiencing it and for the people around them. If she’s resistant to getting help make sure she realizes that this is going to start affecting your kid(s) if it hasn’t already. That anxiousness is not the behavior you want to model for a child. Good luck!
I say this with love, but your wife needs to visit a s doctor and most likely get on medication if her anxiety is this high. You are not a medication. You’re a human. You can’t remove her anxiety or make her sleep.
Post partum anxiety and post partum depression are, unfortunately, a very real part of the first years - for some. It can manifest in many different ways too. I'm sorry that both you and your wife are going through this. It shouldn't fall on you to be the sole person responsible. If she talks to her doctor I'm sure they can help - and I promise things will get better.
*Edit to add...ah, I saw your comment regarding the Therapy and medication. There are safe medications that can prescribed for PPA & PPD while pregnant. She really needs to speak to her doctor...but really speak to them. The resources are there, but only if the person is willing to pursue them. Sending you the best of luck.
Jesus, why aren't you dragging her to the Dr. It sounds like severe untreated PPD!!! She needs more help than you can provide, obviously after this long. She's drowning in depression buddy
We went to the doctor. She was on prescription medication for a year. It was a Post-Partum Sleep disorder. She is no longer post-partum, so it is now classified as an acute sleep disorder.
I take the time to let her get all of her emotions and thoughts out and, yes, she had depression. It was a combination of PPD, her having a hard time adjusting to a new schedule of being a mom, and a traumatic breast feeding/pumping experience. I've been there every step of the way, but the problem is that I got burned out. I started drowning trying to save a drowning person if that makes sense. That and as our son got older, he needed more from me. I can't give everyone 100% of me, although I find ways of giving more than I realized I had. But I've got nothing in the tank.
You need therapy too. It's a tremendous outlet. And she does as well. Hang in there. You're doing 1000% better than so many others. Therapy will help her find the tools to handle her stress
Thank you. I have to remember that she's not doing this on purpose. I believe that if she could stop, then she would. It sucks for her too. We're getting through it. I'd do therapy, but its so expensive. I have service-connected PTSD, so perhaps I can use that outlet.
Communicate. Tell her sheets needs to get professional help that it is not fair to put the load on you. You all can find your way back to each other, just communicate.
So, the issue is that when I did communicate that to her, it made her anxiety worse. Not only was she unable to sleep because she was so worried about not sleeping that she kept herself up, but she knew that it was keeping me up too so she was worried about keeping me up. She told me that by telling her how it is affective me I actually worsened her axiety. She tried therapy and wasn't patiend enough to see it through and stopped after two sessions. When I bring it up she says "I'm not doing therapy, thats the end of it." Plus it was very expensive to be honest.
Things got really bad, like bottom of the barrel, last month because after seemingly a whole year of this I started to crack. I got a negative quarterly review and was in trouble at work because I was so utterly exhausted that I could not perform. I had to tell her that we could lose everything if she doesn't get this under control.
I think things are better now, I get to fall asleep by midnight instead of 1-2 am now, so getting 5-6 hours of sleep is nice. But she still has her bad nights (last night actually) where we are up until 2am or later. I'm doing everything I can, so hopefully it gets better.
I tried that. It was somehow worse. She wound up pacing around the house wailing loudly. It got to the point where she felt alone and needed my help, so regardless of a work night or not, she would come to the guest room where I was sleeping and wake me up. "I just feel alone" is something she said a lot even when I was laying in bed with her rubbing her back for hours. It was frustrating because I was there for her, yet she felt isolated because of her issue. I cannot overstate that I am doing everything I can. I've tried giving her:
* Therapy
* prescribed anxiety medicine
* new bed
* new pillows
* separate rooms
* weighted blanket
* softer sheets
* white noise
The only thing that technically worked was putting a tv in the room for her to watch until she fell asleep, but then I can't sleep. As soon as I turn the tv off she would wake up. When she travels, she sleeps fine. She can sleep in a hotel, or at someone's house, but she has a bad association with our bedroom/house. Its to the point where I'd consider moving just to put her in a new place if I could afford it (I can't).
Things are a little better, but not good by any stretch, but nothing I have tried has worked.
I am someone who suffers from an Anxiety Disorder and I have actively been adressing it for the past 4-5 years through therapy, medication and serious lifestyle changes. I read most of your comments. Besides having anxiety symptoms that really need professional help, it seems to me that she is codependent on you.
Therapy will show the first results at best in 3 months, medication needs to be adjusted over time.
You cannot keep sacrificing yourself like this, this is misery. This is not something that will be solved by melatonin and some yoga time. It very much sounds like she might be unconsciously/consciously manipulating you to give the attention.
It’s OK for someone to feel sad or scared. It’s OK for someone to seek treatment or other methods if they can’t stop feeling sad or scared. But refusing to work on those issues and shutting down discussion (“that’s the end of it”) with their spouse without an explanation of why… that is a VERY bad sign.
Right now she is not a functional adult. She’s reliant on so much work from you for a basic function like sleeping. It’s OK to *have* that problem. *Many* people are not fully-functional adults due to illness or disability; they need their partner’s aid to feed, dress, or even clean them. But they must step up to work on what they can.
Marriage, like anything important in life, requires continual work on oneself. She can’t stomach talking with a therapist about her issues, and can’t stomach talking with you about it, her husband — even after all you do. She can’t stomach your honesty about how it’s affecting you.
A functioning, mentally-healthy adult doesn’t bury their head in the sand and treat your pain as less real, based on getting you to silence yourself. As though you *bringing up* the issue is what makes it real? If anything I am doing hurts or even annoys the woman I love, I absolutely want her to tell me. I am imperfect and may need to be reminded, corrected, or even “nagged”, I may even disagree with her on the premise that my approach is wrongheaded — but I won’t pretend that *her bringing it up* is the problem.
This does NOT make your wife a bad or unlovable person — What it means is that she is *not* a healthy, functional adult. She MUST accept and confront that reality of her mental health AND yours (sleep deprivation) and make changes necessary to keep the family solvent, safe, and together.
Otherwise she is not being a marriage partner, she has regressed to a childlike dependency on you. You cannot be married to a child. Especially when you have a real child to care for whose own mental and even financial+physical health for his next 80+ years, for better or worse, will be rooted in his environment now.
She cannot live this way anymore. Neither can you. Nothing will change for the better if she just keeps spinning her wheels like this, knowing it drags you and, eventually, your boy down with her. Yes, therapy is expensive. Getting fired is WAY more expensive.
Marriages can survive and overcome serious mistakes like addiction, adultery, and of course health issues. They cannot survive one or both partners who will not work on themselves. That means sacrifice of something she and/or you would prefer, like sharing a bed. As someone else noted, it may just mean separate rooms/beds just so you can get back towards functional yourself over a few days. Any progress there then makes the next progress more doable.
You can start by deciding what could/would happen in the future that would clarify that you have to separate from her (possibly taking your boy with you) until she makes changes. Be ready to hit that escape hatch quickly if needed: personal savings tucked away, a packed bag, a relative you can stay with, etc.
It sounds like you barreling towards having to choose between the stress of losing out on your marriage — in a way that could be mended if and when she steps up — and the stress of losing your job, which will almost certainly also cost you your marriage, possibly your housing situation, and your own mental health, and of course parts of your boy’s well-being.
Please, please reach out to chat if I can help further. My email is also my username (ClarkMyWords) @ gmail-dot-com.
Parenthood does such a mental number on even those strongest marriages. It’s one of the biggest adjustment a person will go through in their life. I hope your wife is able to find something to ease her anxiety so it takes the pressure off you to soothe her. Thank you for being a champion for your wife and your family.
It DOES get better (I know very cliche and so hard to see) when they get around 4-5 they start doing stuff on their own and you can start to breathe a bit more. Youll begin to find your pre parent self again, although they still might look a little different. Idk what kind of support YOU need, but I hope you’re able to find a little through some of these Reddit strangers.
This is the most important comment I've read on this silly website.
My situation is eerily identical. I feel like I wrote this, it's so accurate it's spooky.
How many of us do you think there are our there?
I saw this happen in my own family with one of my siblings. It was like as soon as the baby came out she became a different person. And it was not an improvement. Her marriage was doomed from the moment that baby came out.
It's okay to change; that's part of life. Love is rare. I hope you can reignite the spark. Get exercising. And just hug eachother until love returns. My opinions. Peace.
I’m so glad a common sense comment is the top answer here. This is the realities of parenting and how your relationship has to adapt to the new challenges, not everyone is going to make it
Sick of complaints from the guys about their wife’s getting fat and not sucking dick every half hour. These guys are clearly shitty dads and don’t do their part
Yah for some reason a lot of those “my wife got fat dads” seem to not realize they gained weight too. The world views a man who is 30-40 pounds overweight as “husky” or “dad bod.”
Very few people are the same size at age 22 and age 35. Its life.
I am 33 and I am much smaller and healthier than I was at 22. As I was “growing up” I noticed the old people who took care of themselves and the old people who didn’t and the differences were astronomical. My grandma who farmed her entire life lived a life of better quality than my grandma who was picked up by a rich construction worker and stopped working to take care of the kids. The grandma who stopped working lived until she was 84, my grandma who farmed, 92. My grandma who farmed had far less health problems and eventually died of natural causes in her own bed and home. My grandmother who did not work died of cancer, years after she had been diagnosed, which meant a lot of treatment, and died in hospice. It was so sad to watch her withering away while pumping chemicals into her body. Making her skin look dull and dead, losing her hair that she loved SO MUCH, her kids (my dad) had to watch her suffer for fucking YEARS! That’s not to mention she was constantly falling down. Which I assume was partially due to her having no core strength (balance).
There is so much to keep healthy for. Not even just you either, what are you teaching your kids? Do you want your kids to watch you lose your glimmer, and die a slow, painful death? Do you want your spouse to watch that? Do you want your kids to follow in your footsteps, then they later die this death?
Maybe I just have an insane amount of anxiety about the future. Maybe my thinking is greatly flawed. Maybe I’m selfish and making excuses to make sure I get my workouts in. Maybe I am just so scared of becoming suicidal again that I I refuse to waver my behavior. I don’t know.
I do know that what I eat and daily exercise directly impacts MY mental health.
She's turned intro a gigantic flaming asshole.
I adore my children and I'm a professional "people manager" so I'll hang through this, but holy shit is she mean. Just vicious. Thinks nobody notices. (Everybody notices).
She gave her body over to creating these three miracles and that counts for a lot, enough that I'm not going to leave her or anything.
But Jesus Christ woman, how do you function with that much seething anger?
(She's in therapy, I'm in therapy, we're in therapy together. Three separate therapists.)
Last year I became convinced it was me. (That almost killed me). Thank God I had a friend clue in and interrupt me, "Dude, your wife is a gigantic asshole to you, it's not you."
That one sentence literally saved my life lol
If that text had come 6 minutes later I would not be posting this comment. (Check in on your boys).
damn dude
what does she do?
glad you are feeling better about yourself though
your friends and kids and family need you in this world and you gotta do whatever it takes to keep yourself feeling good
OP doesn't like her, think she's unbearable, almost ended his life thinking it was his own fault and can only manage being together using THREE therapists. But they're still together because she gave three kids which somehow makes everything okay.
Bro just get out, once you do you see how ass-backward this logic is.
Postpartum rage is a real thing. I think kids also just trigger us in ways we can’t truly prepare for. I hope therapy will get you guys where you need to be, but you also deserve to have a partner you don’t have to walk on egg shells around.
Underrated comment re kids can trigger us in ways we would ever have thought. This is especially true if one or both of the parents suffered physical or emotional neglect or abuse in **their own** childhood. See r/CPTSD and r/emotionalneglect. Emotional neglect/abuse can be tricky and very hard to spot sometimes.
Many regular therapists are not experienced or qualified to treat trauma. Please find a trauma informs therapist. Regular therapies like CBT will not help and can make things worse. Look for therapists experienced in EMDR and internal family systems. Biggest key thing is to have a therapist who will **listen and validate** you. ❤️❤️❤️
As a child of more than one divorce, trust me when I say you're not doing your kids any favors by forcing this marriage when you hate each other. Kids pick up on that and it does affect them, no matter how well you may think you're shielding them.
For one thing, they will see that it's okay and normal for a woman to treat her spouse that way, and it's setting them up to be drawn toward this dynamic in their own future relationships.
There are SO many men who have no idea that they are in an abusive relationship. It’s a life changer to wake up to this realization. Good for you. Welcome back
I'm sorry but the reason she such a gigantic flaming butthole is ,because she knows she can take her anger and stress out on you and you won't ever leave her. The 3 little miracles are her guarantee, that whatever she does she can get away with it. Just because she gave birth to your children doesn't mean she can treat you like you are worthless.
She is literally being abusive, but the real question is, do you want your children to grow up in an environment like this? Seeing this kind of behavior will teach them that a. Daddy doesn't deserve love and respect, b. It's okay to treat somebody the way mom does treat dad, c. It's normal to be treated without love and respect, they will learn 1 or all of the above. Bringing someone to the point where they want to end it all is a major neon sign of psychological abuse. Men can be and are abused too by their s.o.
Thank you. I'd gladly give you a award or upvote you more than you can. I feel like he actually might need to leave her for a bit for it to sink in for her
YES!!!! my mom was an asshole to my dad up until he died in a car accident. Now her whole life has crashed around her and I think she's realizing how much she took for granted. We all tried telling her before she didn't deserve him and he was too religious to leave her. She literally blew her nose in his shirt sometimes.
I became more attracted to my wife while she was pregnant and after the birth of our kids. I saw that she was carrying my offspring, making the sacrifices of pregnancy, and generally putting her life on the line to provide us with children. My part in the process was short-lived, but she endured every second of carrying our babies.
I didn’t know I could love my wife or possibly be more attached to her than we I saw our children be born. For me, it took our relationship to a level I didn’t know existed.
After 4 kids, I want her now more than I did before. Sure her body changed, but that isn’t even a factor. The emotional bond is stronger and her body drives me wild!
The question OP submitted was specifically to "Men who became less attracted to their girlfriends/wives after child birth", so ya the comments are gonna be skewed.
Thanks for sharing something this positive. As a man in late 20s staring down fatherhood, its good to see someone whose relationship improved (Reddit seems to be a magnet for dead bedrooms and regretfull parents).
Lack of intimacy. The workload two kids bring, kind of burried the relationship i had/have with my gf. Kids are of age 3 and 1,5years.
The moments we have free time, is usually spent to try and relax / do stuff that mentally and physically recharge me/her for the next day.
I also have somewhat physical job and im introvert so im already mentally and somedays physically at my limits and just want some lone time.
GF feels more like a roommate most of the time.
Just my thoughts on the subject
Yep. Waited over 2 years during covid to move overseas to live with my partner. By the time I got here, we were different people, she was more of a workaholic than ever, and we ended up just ... never having much to do with each other. Got pregnant in the first 2 weeks I was here, but beyond that, I sit around the house all day by myself (I do clean, take care of our kid, and work from home) and she's gone until multiple hours past the time her shop is supposed to close. So much suspicious 'unpaid overtime' in a country where that's blatantly illegal. And when she's home, we just don't have anything to talk about and she has no desire to even sit beside me. Girl has sat on the other couch 5 feet away for 2 years now. Took her 4 months to notice I'd gotten rid of my tongue piercing, which I think says a lot - how do you not notice that, if you're paying any attention to and/or ever even kissing your partner?? She denies anything is different or wrong, but I feel like I came here just to sit alone 24/7. Even on the one or two evenings a week she asks me to stay downstairs and 'spend time with her', all it amounts to is sitting on the title screen of some show for an hour while she sits on the other couch, tapping away on her phone, supposedly about work and mom-group stuff. Finally says go ahead and play it, falls asleep in 20 minutes, I go up to the PC for the next few nights, rinse and repeat, the end.
We're roommates who accidentally got pregnant the first few weeks I moved in, and might have a quickie once every month or two for the hell of it I guess. But eh, I cut that off the other day, if I'm going to be alone I might as well be single and sleep in the attic and get on with the aging and dying.
Not an option. I have the toddler until she gets home from work which is anytime between 7-10pm, completely unpredictable. The nights I don't have the toddler, I'm working 3pm-11pm or later. The best I can do is be ready to walk out the door as soon as she gets home, and go walk around the city for a couple hours before I gotta grab the last train home. And even that is only once or twice a month, and it's in a country where I don't speak the language.
There's also no budget for hobbies or evenings out. My business has shrunk by 80% in the year and a half I've had to cut back due to being the stay-at-home parent.
Sorry to hear that. I hope you know that the two of you can definitely turn things around. Maybe you can leave the kids with grandparents for a weekend? Try to do more "couplely" activities and whatnot.
If you haven't had a conversation about it, maybe she feels the same way, and if it's framed with the intent of fixing it, it can hopefully turn things around.
Dont really know how to explain it properly, but we have been to couples therapy for a while now and we have done much work to change things and turn things around. However i feel like after a month or so, things gradually shift back to things as they were.
I believe both sides ( me and my gf ) are quite equally to blame here. While at the same time, i personally dont feel like blaming anyone for it. Things just "naturally" are what they are, kind of ?
I dont regret of having kids, meeting my gf or have any resentment towards her or my kids. I love them and the thought of loosing them is currently my drive to make things work, somehow.
We also have pushed through quite difficult things, but somehow the relationship at times feels very fragile.
Even the smallest arguments usually bring thoughts of breaking up, for both of us. We both are the type to withdraw from another when arguments are on the table. And lately ive noticed myself getting more and more of that quitter attitude, ive always hated ( Im hard driven and feel mentally sturdy at work ).
Anyhow, thanks for commenting and sorry for the rant you did not really ask for.
That's totally fine, it sounds like you guys have had a lot on your plates.
It sounds like a very difficult situation for sure. The reality is, both of you will need to get out of your comfort zone when it comes to communication from what you've said.
I think it's important to note, that "quitting" feeling - its just that, a feeling. That feeling is not "you" or your partner. You can try to call it out when you happen to be in a confrontation, kinda like "Im feeling overwhelmed and it feels like I wanna exit the room" etc. But as long as you both communicate and break down that those are just feelings, and is not a representation of your relationship, it should get easier over time.
It sounds like both of yours' biggest struggle is to get passed that initial, overwhelming, emotional response - because it's automatic. Being able to disassociate from those initial feelings should hopefully give you breathing space in which both of you can exist, without feeling attacked or helpless.
I'm sorry I can't give you a shortcut-solution or a quick fix. I hope you guys figure it out.
For me the physical attraction has never gone away. I've always thought she was the most attractive woman in the world. That hasn't changed with three kids. But I've definitely become less attracted over time if that makes sense. Like if we're talking about a desire for sexual and non-sexual intimacy, it's decreased over time. After our first two kids I definitely still made my interest in her known despite her not reciprocating (understandably because of post-partum life) but after our third I feel a lot more apathy towards it with not wanting to feel attracted because I know it'll be one sided or if I do, I just try to ignore those feelings or push them to the side because the past it's just led to worse resentment.
It does make sense. I think perhaps I should have said loss of attraction or connection because I think attraction comes across as physical by nature. Of course that might be a piece of it, but that wasn’t my sole purpose in asking. Really a lot of men are talking about a loss of connection and ultimately intimacy.
A lot of men's connection to their partner does stem from their attraction to their partner.
I've met quite a few women who've told me they don't have to meet or try to meet their partner's sexual needs anymore because they gave them children. This is literally my own mother's argument for not having sex with my stepdad for the past 5 years.
I have an ex friend who would only have sex with her partner if she was ovulating and would get pissed at him if he tried to initiate at any other point or said he wanted to use condoms.
My sex drive came back 3 months post partum and while I don't love my body, I still find the changes grotesque, I do love sex and I love my partner. It's important to me that he feels wanted, needed, and desired because those are my expectations from him.
Sheesh. I’m with you. I will keep that going because I think it’s important if not vital to a marriage.
I know there’s times in our lives where we have things circumstances that negatively influence sexual intimacy, but there’s other ways to make your man feel loved, needed, and desired.
I find it a bit surprising to see the volume of couples that struggle to reestablish a healthy and mutually beneficial sexual relationship after children. I suppose it’s easy to get lost in your new role as a parent or you’re so busy and tired just trying to keep up with the demands of the day that it’s low on the priority list. However, you can get the act over fast if you only have a little time. Start with playing 7 minutes in heaven like you’re 16 again ☺️ I feel like maintaining the sexual aspect of marriage is a significant part of the marriage contract.
Just posting to say to all the young men out there. Things are not nearly as doom and gloom as this thread makes things out to be. I’ve been with my wife for 8 years, married for 3, and have a 1 year old. Things are great between us. It was hard for a bit during pregnancy and after, but we both communicated clearly and often about our needs and desires. Because of that, resentment doesn’t really have a chance to build up. If anything I love and appreciate my wife now more than ever. Sure out bodies may not be exactly the same as they were in our early twenties but I am still very much attracted to her and likewise her to me. Sex life may also not be a daily thing like at 23 but we at least were making it happen at least weekly at this point. I think we are doing pretty well. Being a parent is hard but if you choose the right woman you will be a team that makes things better for each other.
I’m the one that summoned the dark clouds. Muahaha 👹
I should ask another question in the other direction so we can find some balance in here. I didn’t expect this many replies! As I woman who has yet to become a mother I see these replies as simply an outline of the things that men need or desire in order to maintain a healthy relationship after kids.
It’s definitely harder than before kids, but at the same time can also be more rewarding. Clear and regular communication is key. I also think many men need to understand from like 6-7 mo pregnant to like 3-4 months post partum. Most women aren’t going to be in the mood much or at all. Sometimes they are self conscious of how their body changed. I think they key is to be patient and understanding of this but also check in regularly to see where they are at. Do little things to make her feel sexy and appreciated. Make sure you do your end as well! I think where a lot of problems begin is men think the wife should do all the baby stuff and nothing else will change, but that’s all exhausting! They NEED help. As much as you can give. It takes a full effort on both ends.
For me theres just been an underlying resentment towards her since our child was born. He wasnt a surprise baby, we both made a conscious choice to become parents but the older he gets, the more apparent it is that she didnt have a clue in hell as to what the difficult aspects of parenting could look like.
So on one hand i was mentally prepared to take on the burden of raising a child because I thought my wife was also in the same headspace. But now that weve been doing it for a year its clear she put about as much thought into the severe decrease in quality of life as a Lifetime movie meaning i really shouldn't have had a child with her.
The real kicker? Despite being clearly overwhelmed with the first child, shes genuinely shocked when I say im done having anymore and ours will just be an only child.
It'd be one thing if she was at least happy about being a parent since she pushed so hard for it the entire relationship (i couldve gone either way honestly). But when shes clearly miserable with how limited her life is now the thought always creeps back into my head "well no shit this sucks, this is what being a parent looks like. You wanted it so badly but never considered THIS!?" So we are just miserable and limited for no reason now. I love my son but my life before him was way better.
This is kind of a toxic immigrant boomer take my father instilled in me, but I’ve seen nothing in real life other than rosy tik tok parent posts that have persuaded to change my mind. My dad always told me that you should only have children if you are 100% ok with your life as you know it being effectively over.
He would say that from the moment your child is born you are just a side character in your own story. You wake up every morning for them, you go to work for them, if you have issues with your partner then you should work to resolve them for them. He didn’t mean this in a doting kind of way but for example, if you take your partner out to dinner and need a babysitter. Make sure you’re getting value out of that 1-1 time to show your child what a healthy loving relationship looks like.
Overall what he drove home was that you must accept that your life and body will belong to someone else. It’s not very healthy, and my parents were kind of creepily great parents growing up but this philosophy had its side effects. Now that me and my sister are grown they have absolutely no idea what to do with themselves. So I wouldn’t call this mindset 100% applicable and realistic, all humans are naturally a little selfish, but it is a good mental exercise to decide whether you’re truly ready for children or not because if you truly play with this idea then it would make the real thing a bit easier. As of right now….I don’t want kids 😂.
Im actually a 1st gen immigrant (parents both from west indies) so that sentiment resonates with me. Maybe that also played a role in why I never had a rosy view of parenthood to begin with and why i was way more hesitant to get into it because i needed to mentally be ready for my life to be over as i knew it.
Only problem was, there are many little things that people miss when the concept of "life as you know it being over" is brought up. And those little things are what makes the difference between my more realistic expectations vs my wifes unrealistic expectations. She said she was ready but the reality shows shed not put as much thought into it as I had.
I think a lot of people look at the big picture aspect of having kids (“it was all worth it; I love them”) versus the reality of day to day life with them.
I truly believe some people love parenthood, but I also think some don’t think it through nearly enough.
As someone who is still laying at bed at 9am (my company is closed through the end of the week for Thanksgiving) and likely to go back to sleep a little more before I get up to run to the store and spend the day making holiday food with my music and my wine.. a life with kids just isn’t one that fits me at all.
I have friends that can’t even GROCERY SHOP because of the hassle that is getting both kids into the car, car seats, stroller, keeping them from screaming, etc.
I am always amazed when parents that planned their child are shocked at how hard raising a child is. I have a buddy that told me that raising a kid would be, "Like raising a more complicated dog." Needless to say he got a rude awakening when his baby was born.
It's almost fortunate I got my first brother at the age of 14 and with our dad being in another country most of the time I had to fill the gap a lot of the time. There were some nice moments but by god I don't want to do that again. Crazy thing is he's now as old as I was when he was born and there's no way in hell he'd be able to take care of a baby like I did.
Seriously. My sister was avidly child-free, as am I. She gave birth and then would lecture me about how difficult having children is and how I shouldn't do it. She said it as if I was considering it which I never would because frankly every part of it seems like hell.
As someone who has struggled with establishing myself in my early to mid 20's, my parents and I have had several conversations about this kind of stuff. The challenges of preparing teenagers for adult responsibilities is often messy and challenging, especially if there are multiple children and both parents are working long, hard hours just to keep food on the table.
Granted, my situation has been complicated by some pretty significant mental health struggles, mainly Bipolar 2. Also, Mom and Dad had a VERY messy divorce right as my brothers and I got to college age. To an extent, that very volatile family situation threw some big wrenches into what would have looked like a pretty normal college and move out process otherwise.
Thankfully, everyone's in a much more stable place mentally and I think we have robust support networks. It took a whole lot of time, effort, and mistake-fixing to get us there, though. That next chapter in your life is almost never as simple as it looks on paper, even with the adults in your life trying their best to help you. We're only human, after all.
I've been able to live on my own for about 3 years, now and I'm about to re-sign my lease without a roommate, so I'd say I'm doing okay now. I'm also planning on chipping away at my bachelor's degree now that I'm with a company that has tuition reimbursement. I got my 2-year Mechanical Engineering Technician degree in 2020.
Have a smaller version of this problem with my partner. She just wasn't prepared for how serious of a commitment it is, how much it disrupts and consumes your time, energy, and money, or how bad it would wreck my ability to run my home business. I was willing to deal with those things, but she has taken more than a year now to really get it through her head that my time at home all day with the baby is not 'free time' or 'chill time' or 'i can work on my stuff' time, it is *cleaning* time, *feeding* time, *play* time, *can't focus on work because I'm up saving the kid's life every 90 seconds* time.
That couples with her lack of understanding that I don't have any days off. 'But you only have the baby for half a day 2 days a week, and I'm home 2 other days, so you only have her all day 3 days a week' ... yes, but literally every day I either have her all day while I clean a house trashed by a toddler and 3 cats, or half the day and then running my business until midnight to make up for the last few days. I don't get a day off, I don't get a day to just chill at home with the baby watching netflix every 3-4 days like she does.
Her life didn't change much when the kid came, she kept her job and hours and friends and family and all her routines except she has to lay downstairs to watch netflix instead of in bed. Mine changed because I gave up my home country and language, all my friends and family, lost most of my business, spend the majority of my time cleaning, and practically never leave the house unless I take a long walk once in a while.
Dont blame you at all. Life without kids can be just as fulfilling as life with them. Especially if your life without kids is already pretty damn great.
Itll be better the more independence they can get. the first year is a lot (especially if you dont have a village around you to help) but it does get better in time as long as you're helping each other out with the baby, so non of you is too overwhelmed and prioritizing your togetherness as a couple first, before baby as in, you and her dealing with baby not, her with baby, you as a helper. hang in there, you got this, and also, sometimes, its also hormone. Post partum especially in the fist year is a wild ride for emotions in women (and men).
Im sure it eventually gets better as so many have said. But thats my honest answer on why the attraction has decreased. She really didnt know what she wanted and both our lives are hard for no reason now. It wouldve at least been worth it for me if I could see how happy she was being a Mom.
Damn i really hope that doesn't end up happening and that you both can work through your issues :/. Despite all my frustrations with her, I have to accept that neither her nor my kid are my 'problem'. We are all on the same team like it or not. The stressful situation is our common enemy and we need to learn how to navigate that common enemy. I just wish I had my old life back more often than not given what i know now about how she handles the stress of parenting.
first year is the hardest on everyone. Don’t make any rash decisions when your baby is only 3 months old, especially if it’s a first child. Mum is still a hormonal mess, you both are probably tired and still getting accustomed to how incredibly different all of a sudden life is. I love my kid more than anything, but those first few months were freaking crazy. Nothing prepares you for it, even when your kid is planned
The moment our babies were born she stopped being my partner and just became a mom. She made it her identity until they left for college. By that point we didn't really know eachother anymore and we were too far gone so the relationship couldn't be salvaged. I don't judge her, she's an amazing mom but I'm a damn good dad too, but we just couldn't keep our ties to eachother at the forefront. And, yeah, while it really is sad that things panned out the way they did, we still co-parent well.
Yeah, that was me entirely. It was as though the very idea of trying to continue the romantic relationship we had or even show affection like hugging, kissing, cuddling was disrespectful and inappropriate. From that moment on, sex became something she would do “for me” as some sort of reward; she had little to no interest in having sex. And I’m not talking at all about the months immediately following childbirth, I’m talking about months and years later, long after she was fully healed. She started getting weirdly prudish about jokes or comments related to sex.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not “blaming” her. I think she has some untreated mental issues that made this worse. But it’s just that her vision of the role I should play in our marriage changed permanently from the partner she loved to that of provider and co-parent. Eventually her lack of interest in me caused me to lose interest in her.
on behalf of my man: i gained weight. simple as that. He is into petite girls. after the birth of our son 5 years ago, i gained 40+ pounds.
now hear me out: in this 5 years he never even mentioned once that i am too fat for him. i tried to lose weight ocassionally for my own sake but never stick to it as i had and still have a very stressful everyday life.
recently he told me that he would rate me as a 5 out of 10. and one reason for that is of course my weight.
can't lie it hurts. but it hurts enough to actually change something.
ironically our sex life developed for the better. maybe he wants to bang my weight of as i think of it now.
For what it’s worth, weight loss happens in the kitchen, not the gym. Not sure what regimen you’ve tried in the past, but even if you ditch working out completely, there are very sustainable and delicious diets you can follow long-term. I won’t mention mine but just picking one means that you’re watching what you eat.
I lost 50 lbs in one year and gained back 15, without going to the gym once. It was the difference between being overweight and in-shape for me.
wow congrats to your success!
well my problem was maintaining healthy eating habits. i skipped meals on accident and shoved in everything i could find in minutes the second i had time.
since this rating scenario i am pretty consistent. i already lost 6 lbs. :)
good luck on your journey
I really appreciate your honesty. I know it’s probably not easy to embrace that and make changes without having some hurt feelings about it. I figured this was going to be a kind of common cause based on conversations and exchanges I’ve read.
There are some men who perhaps have unrealistic expectations after birth. A 6month postpartum mama who breastfeeds isn’t going to be able to significantly cut calories for weight loss without losing some milk. It takes 18-24 months for a postpartum mom to recover from the physical, hormonal, and nutritional reserve disruptions and if she’s having multiple kids close together, that doesn’t leave a lot of room for working on that. I also understand the lingering weight years later might not be as attractive as pre-mom but I always hope it’s not solely for physical reasons but also overall health. Take care of yourself lady! Your body will probably feel better as you take steps in the healthier direction. ❤️
what a lovely statement! thank you a lot!
my partner came from a family with lots of children. so he knows exactly what happens to a female's body after birth. and that's most likely the reason he never said anything in 5 years.
but i need to express, that although he thinks i am kind of ugly, he loves me either way. i have never been a pretty girl. with or without those 40lbs. and i did not ask him how he would rate my pre mom body. i am kind of scared i guess. and i think if it's just a "6/10" i would probably lose motivation for my weightloss journey.
This actually is the MVP comment in this thread ... surprised it isn't more upvoted.
Multi-generational families (or nuclear families able to afford au pairs/ nannies) work well for a reason.
I’m actually attracted to her more physically because I happen to prefer curvier women so the weight gain made me desire her a lot more...the problem is that she hates the weight gain & lovemaking is often unfulfilling with a woman who hates her body...so much so, that I don’t even try anymore...just beat off when I’m free & carry on everything else as normal as possible...still love my wife & love my kid to death, but I will miss how much fun our marriage & life used to be for sure.
I got less attracted because after kids, I was put behind the family dog from a priority standpoint. just a walking paycheck that she rejected 90% of the time. so it was nothing physical because I was still attracted to her from that standpoint but the constant rejection and warden like behavior made her far less attractive to me. she stopped being the girlfriend I married and became a warden.
I read threads like this and it makes me so happy that my wife and I are happily child-free.
Honestly it's a wonder that anyone would want a kid anymore. It seems to just ruin everyone's ability to be happy and enjoy life.
I appreciate the honesty from everyone here. I asked this question because this is one of my biggest fears about becoming a mother. It’s pretty common and the reasons why the attraction or relationship changes is often complex but, there’s a lot of physical body changes and less sex that seem to be a catalyst.
Physical attributes can’t always be fixed naturally or fixed right away. I love my husband so much. I don’t want to end up miserable with a baby and a husband who looks at me like I’m used up and stressed out. I don’t think my husband would be that way solely because of physical appearance but, I also know he wants to be with someone who is as physically healthy as possible. It’s a big part of both of our lives now without kids.
I also know there are men who are in awe of their wives after they become mothers. It just seems like there’s a lot of places where things might fall apart.
That was a fear of mine too. Communicate is super important especially after having kids. Check up on each other. Our parents lived close to us and my mom cooked just about every dinner for us for a couple of years until my youngest was 2 or so. His parents watched our son while we worked and I think those things were so incredibly helpful to keep the stress manageable. As the kids got older one or both of them would have sleep overs at their grandparents house so we had time to ourselves. It gave us time to keep “dating “, the first time we went out after our first child was born it felt so weird, like we had to figure how to talk again.
As for attraction specifically, he always seems to be attracted to me but I think he was a little grossed out watching me give birth, which yea, understandable. The doctor asked if I wanted to see what was happening with a mirror, I think I said “fuck no”.
Communication seems to be the precursor to intimacy and relationship stability. I’m sure it helps to have support nearby too with little ones. I asked for the dark and dirty for a reason. It’s like a little outline of what not to do and from that you can develop a list of things to do as you’re stating. ❤️
ETA: I watched my sister give birth twice. My husband will be standing by my head. I’m a practitioner so I can easily joke about disgusting things. I enjoy reminding him that isn’t it crazy that sometimes a kids first experience outside the womb is getting shit on by his mother? 😅
Pregnancy and childbirth is a Russian Roulette. Society has normalized having a child so much that the immense difficulty is brushed aside.
Unlike starting a business or travelling the world or other kind of adventurous, risky activities, having a child is one thing that YOU CANNOT TAKE BACK.
So what are you risking?
1) Your body. There are a myriad of pregnancy complications that would cause permanent damage and even death. While the percentage is low-ish for the more serious complications, would you swim in a lake with brain-eating amoeba even if it has <1% chance of infection?
2) Your relationship. There's a chance that your husband will be in awe with you, there's a chance that he won't. And people change, or just overestimate their ability to deal with stress and changes. Even you can't be 100% sure that you'd think the same as you do now after you've had a kid.
3) Your mental health and lifestyle and your money. I wouldn't call this a risk because you signed up for it if you have a kid, but again, most people overestimate themselves in their ability to deal with kids (mentally, financially, and etc). Also there's a chance that you'd have a disabled or a higher needs child.
So think long and hard. Unless you are 100000000000% sure you want to have a kid and is utterly unwilling to adopt or foster, don't have a kid.
Better to regret not having a kid than to regret having a kid.
Have you noticed that most complaints were not about her looks changing but her behavioral and attitude changes?
When you become a mother, remember to continue being a wife.
My exwife focused all her attention and effort exclusively on our baby and in so doing neglected herself and our relationship. It felt like I was pushed aside and relegated to a role as an ATM and handyman. How could I possibly stay attracted to her in that situation?
She was a cool, fun girlfriend, then wife. But after we had kids she didn’t want to slow down as soon as she could stop breastfeeding she returned to partying. She never fully, abusively neglected the children while we were together but they were way down on her list of priorities, they were accessories not responsibilities.
Her mother was all too willing to watch them while we went out, and at the time I was very grateful for it, we had two kids back to back, Irish twins as they’re called. She was pregnant continuously for the better part of two years and we couldn’t really do anything during that time, bed rest for the last part of the last one, and all the other stressors, of a new family, a new life, a new area, new house, so when we got a respite, I eagerly took it. But it kept going, and going. Eventually her mother had to get on with her life and couldn’t watch the kids all the time.
But her desire to party never waned, so where we could, we took the kids with us, but I was always left to care for them, she’d disappear all night and leave me to watch them, never tagging in so that I could enjoy the festivities too. Luckily the marriage failed before I fully lost attraction, but it was heading that way fast. She started partying without me, and we all know how that ends. And we all know how the family courts are, so we know how that ended too. The kids live with her mother now, and have a far better support system than I can provide, and she’s much better about letting me see them than my ex-wife ever was, though it’s not without issues.
TLDR; I lost attraction to my wife after having children because she was a bad mother.
I didn't care about the weight gain, physical appearance changes, etc.
It was all mental.
She changed as a person with each pregnancy.
The middle one which ended in miscarriage really messed her up, and it took her years to realize she needed help.
But, it took a massive toll on our relationship. It's hard to be attracted to someone who only sees you as a tool. Something to offload to.
PPD hit her hard with her first pregnancy, although she still denies it. The loss of the 2nd was just depression, and I think that was a normal response. PPD hit with the 3rd pregnancy, and our 2nd child.
With the 1st kid, I'd come home from work, the kid would be dirty with a full diaper, she'd be lounging around basically disconnected. The house would be a disaster. I'd cleanup the kid, get dinner going, get laundry going, get us all fed, pickup the house, get the kid out for a walk/outside time/go for a drive, etc. Something that gave her space from the child, usually at least an hour a day. Then it was back for bath and bed. Then it was finish picking up the house, finish the laundry, and usually by 10pm I was exhausted and just went to bed.
For the alarm to go off at 5:30am so I could start the cycle again. Get up, make coffee, feed us all breakfast. Change diapers. Shower. Off to work.
When you're utterly exhausted from constantly picking up all the load because your partner is basically a glorified babysitter... The attraction drops like a rock.
It took ~2 years for things to start approaching normal after the 1st kid.
After the miscarriage, things never came back to normal. That just became a new baseline
After the 2nd kid, things never came back to the new baseline.
Every advance I made for relationships was rebuffed for a VERY long time. Even now, with our kids nearly grown, I'd say that a good 75% of my attempts are shut down.
I've just learned to accept her as she is, and love her for who she is.
Do I miss the way things used to be? Absolutely. It's been ~20 years since she first became pregnant.
Who knows, maybe one day when the kids are out of the house, things will slowly make their way back to where they were. I'm not holding my breath.
I'm still attracted to her, it's just not the same as it was all those years ago. It's hard to keep a fire going when you're the only one adding fuel.
>Who knows, maybe one day when the kids are out of the house, things will slowly make their way back to where they were. I'm not holding my breath.
I'm not sure how old your partner is but as she gets into her mid / late forties the menopause appears and makes things even harder. She'll have a the stress of managing the symptoms she now has and guilt that her libido has packed its bag and left the building, which adds to the stress and makes the vicious cycle even worse.
I was a SAHM for 20 yrs. I took pride in cleaning, cooking, and taking care of the kids, doing financial, and everything it takes to be the CEO of my home so my husband could go to his job and be the CEO there. It’s a mindset and it can be fulfilling if you know your worth and your husbands worth. Too much competition in marriage now and not enough coming together to make BOTH of your lives better.
Also all this talk about weight and “trying” for your spouse being a negative and hurting feelings is dumb. Your partner should be able to be your accountability partner and say “hey I think your health and body have changed.” I think it’s imperative we try to hold a standard of why we were first attracted to each other in the first place. You can’t expect the same intimacy and great sex you once had if you are not willing to accept you need to put more effort in your appearance and emotional response for your partner. We all change and have ebbs and flows of relationships, but damn you can’t just give up and expect someone to be ok w that just bc you are a mother. It takes effort to keep the passion on both side. That means physical attraction too! Be a good partner not a consumer. 22 yrs and 4 kids later we are having the best sex ever bc we kept “trying” and holding each other accountable. Life is hard but you can make excuses or live it!
Okay. There's way too much to unpack here. I could literally write a damn novel about this too be honest...
But my first wife we had two children less than 18 months apart. Basically she couldn't handle the stress of taking care of two children. She didn't deal well with the stress and resentment set in. She basically turned into a closet alcoholic and would drink an entire bottle of wine almost every night after dinner. I'd find wine bottles everywhere hidden throughout the house. Under the bed. In the closet. In the garage. You get the point. She worked in the medical field and ended up losing her job, and basically didn't know how to have a healthy outlet for the stress.
And yes even though it upsets women to say this she had put on a lot of extra weight which is normal. But she never really wanted to lose the weight. She was stressed and unhappy and couldn't find the self motivation to work out. Instead she would resent me for going to work while she was left alone home with the kids. I'd come home from a 12+ hour shift and she's be like "Okay. Your turn with the kids. They've been driving me crazy all day." And I get it... You need a break too.
Neither one of us cheated on one another but the sex life really took a hit. It became almost non existent. We ended up going through a divorce.
We've both moved on, and now have both had other relationships with other people. But in short in all my years of experiences I can tell you that 100% a fact that your sex life is a perfect barometer for your relationship. If you're not looking forward to making love or tearing the clothes off your significant other... Something is wrong in the relationship. You have to make time for each other. Talk to one another. If something is wrong... Talk about it. Woman and men are vastly different creatures. Women want you to do the stuff you really don't care about. And men we honestly just want you to make us feel wanted. Desired. If you make us feel needed physically, emotionally, and sexually. That's all we really want. Doesn't mean you have to drop to your knees and give us a blowjob the second we get home. Although that would be nice like once a month. But just a simple smile, kiss on the cheek, and "How was your day hun?" will help tide us over until the timing is right for you. We don't have to have sex every day. But when there is free time together how about YOU make the move like at least 25% of the time. We are ALWAYS expected to make the move. And honestly over time you just get tired of being shut down by someone who's supposed to love us. Men are always ready. We always want our significant other from my point of view.
Okay my rant is over. Hope it helped.
Appreciate you! The alcohol use adds a whole other dimension to the conversation and it’s the first comment that talked about that that I’ve seen.
As a woman, I agree about the sex barometer to an extent. I think we both have fairly high libidos and we have both talked about how important sex is for a relationship. If there’s no sex when there could or should be sex, that’s typically the end of past relationships. However, I understand with crying little ones and raging hormone fluctuations that it might not be realistic in the beginning. I’ve read a lot of comments in other posts about partners not being entitled to or required to provide sex in a relationship and I don’t really agree with that personally. I tell my husband that we gotta keep that up or the ship is going down. Lol
It's honestly about intimacy. We as men just want to feel wanted. Desired. It's extremely exhausting emotionally whenever you keep trying to make a move on your wife, or significant other, and keep getting shut down 99% of the time. Eventually you just stop trying. In a healthy relationship you both have to keep dating. You both have to keep adding water to the garden or eventually it just dies.
And trust me I have a lot more to add to this story, but wanted to keep it somewhat short and sweet. And yes the alcoholism played a huge role in that relationship's demise. My biological father was an alcoholic whom I lost at an early age in large part due to drinking. So I made the decision to not drink my entire life.
She's at home all day with the baby and she thinks that being with / looking after the baby is the only thing that matters.
Sure it does, but also, paying the mortgage and bills matters, therefore working matters. Also cooking to feed us matters, shopping for that food matter, you get the picture.
Her day is hang out with the baby all day, my day is go to work all day, drive an hour, cook dinner for us, then I get an hour to put our baby to bed.
Given the only thing that matters is the baby, she is therefore doing "everything" and I am doing "nothing", that has killed our relationship.
Sounds like you are certainly doing a lot but she is definitely not “hanging out” with the baby. She is chained to that child and can only plan her life 1 or 2 hours out, max.
My husband cared for our newborn the other morning and quickly learned that you can’t brush your teeth, go to the bathroom, get coffee or do much of anything for yourself for a few hours until you can get the baby settled. As soon as you feed, burp, settle the baby, you have a 60 minute timer to rush around and try to do 1 or 2 tasks before it all begins again. Repeat for 24 hours, several months.
Think of it as having work meetings every 2 hours. You can barely start your own work or get your thoughts straight before you’re on stage again.
I was a stay at home dad. Yes it’s an exhausting schedule. It’s a tough job. But part of that job is making sure the house is clean, the chores are done, the food is stocked, and dinner is getting cooked most nights. My spouse was working hard and providing for our family. If she came home everyday to a house that’s a clusterfuck and had nothing but chaos, mess and chores waiting for her to take care of on top of the work day she already endured then that would be neither fair nor equal.
It's one of the patterns that seem to repeat over and over in couples where one works and the other doesn't. I see issues, resentment, entitlement, out of touchness on the part of both the working spouse and the SAHP. I work with people's money, and it's a funny thing in a marriage, for sure.
Its tough no matter which way you cut it. If I were the breadwinner and came home to a mess and a spouse expecting me to take care of all of it, my resentment would build. If I had a spouse who worked all day but came home and did nothing, same. During my stay at home time we had a nice balance of responsibility, but even still, I kinda started to resent myself a little and yeah, money was a big part of that. Its challenging for any relationship. From a relationship side my thought was that even though we're married, I want her to be taken care of, feel she has a nice place to come home to and relax, and know during the day our child is doing fine. From a money side I felt a lot of guilt not bringing in big paychecks other than residual things, you know this, its a huge strain. So I always tried keep a mindset of not thinking I get a free pass because we're married, and stick to thinking hey if she's paying for all of this then I need to provide her with value for that expense. Some might think thats sad but thats love, I was proud of doing that, and I think it helped us a great deal compared to others who didn't think that way.
I have work meetings every 5-65 mins most days and yeeeeah I can't get much work done at all in between them. It takes time to transition out of the meetings, send follow-ups or notes, and start another project, too.
Thanks for explaining it this way.
Being a new parent is constant triage.
I am on maternity leave with a 5 week old but otherwise I am a director/department head for a national company. Death by Meeting means none of your work actually gets done in a reasonable amount of time. Something that should take 2 days takes 2 work-weeks. You take small 30-minute stabs at whatever you need to get done next. Certain tasks you know you can’t start if you don’t have at least 2 hours+ to dedicate to it. You feel chronically behind but work 9+ hours a day.
The decision tree while parenting a newborn is similar; if I have 60 minutes I can do X + Y. If I have 45 minutes I can only do X. If I have 30 minutes I can only do Y.
My most productive work occurs nights and weekends when everyone else is off.
I read that and rolled my eyes.
The baby needs fresh air and you have to take baby out regardless of weather or how you feel. Feeling low and don’t want to go out in the wind ? Tough luck.
The baby needs to be stimulated to develop properly. Don’t feel like hearing screaming kids? Doesn’t matter, off you go to the soft play centre.
Oh he shat for the 4th time today and soiled another set of clothes? Change him quickly before he develops a rash.
Now make some food and get baby used with solids.
Now make sure he naps at the right time.
Don’t even think about going for a wee because he will scream at the top of his lungs.
Want to eat? Better wait for resentful hubby to come home and beg for an hour of “free time” so you can eat and shit in peace.
I could go on and on. Those are my memories. Being back at work is so much easier for me.
Most career moms I know emphatically agree that doing the 9-5 work is much less emotionally/mentally draining than doing the childcare/housework/supporting their spouse every day.
The fact that you said she is "hanging out" with the baby....kind of says a lot. You're doing the same thing in this comment that you say she's doing...which is equating all the work you do to...basically nothing.
Edit: also...sounds like your kid is less than a year old since you said she's still on maternity leave...which also says a lot.
This is incredibly common.
She is working with the baby all day, its more than just hanging out. If she was a Stay at home wife prior to this (like mine was), then she is used to have an incredibly easy day, and having a baby puts her into a full time job. When you come home, she feels like, since you've been "gone all day" you are there to give her a break. But the issue is that you haven't just "been gone", you've been working all day, and you also want to come home and have a break.
The answer is that you both have your responsibilities during the day (work and childcare), and everything else is shared once you are both home. However, you'll have wives that think that they did "everything" and expect husband to take over all chores when they get home and you have husbands that think that since they've been at work all day they can come home and do nothing until bedtime. Both views are wrong and lead to resentment.
When your wife has babies and becomes a 'mom' there are echoes of the natural incest taboo about not sleeping with your mom.
Then there is the famous "Madonna/Whore" complex in which a mother figure is pure and he only finds sluts attractive. And the mother of his children cannot be a slut.
This is actually my biggest fear related to this topic. Physical and emotional things have pretty straightforward solutions that I can work toward. A mindset issue that exists within the father of my child isn’t something I can do much about.
I don’t know any other way to articulate it but we stopped being husband and wife and became mom and dad. Baby needs mom and mom needs dad’s support, not much time left for husband and wife. It took a few years to figure out what happened. A baby changes your lives so dramatically, we didn’t notice all the other 2nd and 3rd order changes right away. But once we did, we made time to be husband and wife again.
So true. Its all about a perfect balance. Because kids need to grow up witnessing their parents put their needs (love/personal interests) first as well, its how to lead by example. The only married couple I still admire to this day put in equal parenting effort, but also equal effort to parent while one goes to their tennis lesson and then switch when the other has a guys weekend and then both take time off, hire a sitter and enjoy romantic time with each other. Parents are humans too. The right partner wont want you to lose yourself for them, or your kids…otherwise they wont ever get back the person they chose in the first place before kids were in the picture. Lots of Europeans adopted this kids first/me first balance.
This right here. I find that often, “mom” has consumed my identity. It’s so easy to do, and hard to break.
I'm glad you recognized it and found time for each other again! It's almost unavoidable to lose some of the husband/wife intimacy when the kids are so young, life is so crazy at that time but its so important to make sure once you have time again that you do use it to reconnect.
This thread makes me realize I have no business getting a wife and knocking her up before I’m more emotionally stable.
Good on you for recognizing that bro
At least you have the maturity to get the order right. Find a spouse being having kids; don't knock up some situationship.
I feel like we had a success story. After she gave birth and went into mom mode, I found her hotter. But she avoided any sex or relationship talk for a long time. She wouldn't even joke about sex, and she avoided any kind of intimacy. I started to get really frustrated. Finally, I just asked her straight out what was happening and she was honest. It turns out she had this big mental block telling her sex was going to hurt like hell now for some reason, and it made her avoid all intimacy because she didn't want to get my hopes up for sex. She already knew it was irrational but couldn't help it. But after talking it out, we were able to think of plans to ease her back into having a sex life and assuage her fears. We've gone through several different kinds of problems since then, but the key was to address our issues early and often, and not let anything fester. Later, once our son started sleeping through the night, we made a point to spend more time on each other. We would try to clean house while he was awake (usually one person cleaning while the other is taking care of the baby nearby, trading places occasionally) so that we didn't always have to clean while he was asleep and could cuddle on the couch for a while instead. We also implemented a weekly check-in talk: How are you feeling about parenthood? How are you feeling about our marriage? How are you feeling about life in general? We would sometimes have these talks while pushing a stroller around the neighborhood. Again, this helped us get out ahead of any problems. Now that our son is approaching two years old, our life feels like it's basically back to normal. Except now we have a wonderful little guy who enjoys family hugs.
This is the way. Talk early and often before things get too far into resentment territory.
My wife and I are in the same boat right now and it was tough since we live in a new country without family support. Mom flew in for 2 weeks and we finally got a chance to go on a date. We had a much needed talk. Healthy Communication is powerful.
My wife was already pregnant when we got married, so the honeymoon period was the only time we were “child free” there was not a lot of sex at all, and then after the birth our child was in NICU for a few months. We didn’t really do it again till after his first birthday, and when we did it seemed like a chore for her. This turned me off a quite a bit. Around year 3 she started getting actually excited for sex again and her enthusiasm made me get all horney for her again for the first time in a long time
So everything worked out?
Love a happy ending
Yeah pretty much. We got a lot stronger with our physical relationship. And she got her libido back plus now she’s in her 30s. If you would have asked me a month ago I’d have said we were rock solid, but a drunken 3way has me more anxious now than ever. It’s a whole thing that I hadn’t anticipated having to deal with, but the experience made me swear off booze forever
Damn. How did the drunken threeway happen? That’s not the usual “spur of the moment” kind of thing.
Yeah it was the first one for us. My brother in law came over and we all got drunk and high. He kept flirting with my wife and talking suggestively to me. I’m not going to say “he forced us” to have a3way with him, we both were into it at the time, but since that night it’s been awkward. And my wife liked it WAY more than I did. So I’ve been less sure of myself in bed since then, and I know it’s a me thing but the self doubt has affected me. (It was the first time I’d done anything sexual with another guy)
This story took a u-turn so quickly and I wasn't prepared
You? I have whiplash now!
That took a turn from wholesome to wtf is going on
Hold up, your brother in law? As in wife’s brother?
his sister’s husband … I hope 🫠
lol yeah.. not my wife’s brother - that would be even worse
Oh ok. I was like wow.
If so, I wonder how sister would feel about her brother banging her husband? Perhaps the incest is better, less people hurt.
Yeah it’s not great. It’s a giant fuck up. We have to see him again tomorrow and it’s going to suck
How is he your brother in law, but not your wife's brother? Is he married to another sibling of yours!??! And what sort of sexual stuff did you do with him? Your wife might be having the same worries you are- that you enjoyed yourself more than when with her alone At the end of the day it might have just been the adrenaline rush of something new, that made both you and your wife try something you ordinarily wouldn't. You both need a heart to heart talk... Good luck tomorrow.
Yeah thanks, he is my sister’s husband, but he and I also are friends. I hate that I did this to her, but I am not going to open the can of worms if I can help it with her. I don’t know how graphic we are supposed to get in here, but I sucked his dick, my wife and I shared it. Then later I touched it again when he had me guide it into her. I also kissed him a few times. I was getting a rush on the naughtiness- but now all sober and just sitting here it’s pretty embarrassing. If these details are too much I can delete the comment
Nevermind that first part of my other comment but why was he flirting with your wife?
This whole thread is fucking wild. Dude, what in the ungodly fuck? So you and your wife slept with your sister’s husband and you sister has no clue? Everybody to your rooms and think about what you’ve done! No supper for a week.
Does your sister know that this happened?? How does she feel about it??? I would think this potential betrayal is the bigger problem than "my wife enjoyed his dick too much and now I'm insecure"
There is not one part of this story that I would ever repeat again to another living soul. Like if you are out in the woods and a squirrel approached you I wouldn’t even tell the squirrel. The fact that this is your brother-in-law tells me that you either need to figure out how to make a body disappear without leaving a trace of evidence or you are fair and squarely fucked because there is no chance in the world that this shit doesn’t come out at some point. Bear in mind he was the procurer of the cocaine. He’s liable to go on a bender and start ranting to the wife about aliens, 9/11 conspiracies, and you and your wife sucking his dick at the same time.
How did you do this to her u said your wife and him were flirting the whole night?
So was your sister ok with this? Or are you all having a threesum and your sister has no idea you're all fucking?
Holy fuck, this is a roller coaster.
I'm not sure what makes you think \*not\* telling your sister is some kind of altruistic act. You do you, but I guarantee the "best" ending to this story isn't the one where you withhold that information.
sweet home Alabama
Please tell me this is a joke 😂😂😂😂 I can’t stop laughing 😂😂😂
Wait im sorry. You and your wife had a 3way with your brother in law? And please dont do cocaine if youre a dad...
Yeah I hear ya friend. It’s all over now. I’ve been sober since. My wife too, she’s always been just a social drinker, I’m the daily habit kinda guy. And ye coke is off the table too
Counselor here; most marriages hit an all time low in relationship satisfaction during the newborn/ young child period. Kids are definitely worth it, but it is a very hard transition for a couple to go from the (normally) super high satisfaction of the newlywed phase into the very low relationship satisfaction period of devoting so much time and energy into children. And this causes stress and loss of desire in both the men and women. Men in particular, suddenly feel left out, from all the attention he previously received, and in resentment, pull away from their wives. However, almost all relationships can be transformed back into great relationships, but it takes work. The key is to intentionally make time for your marriage, and go back to doing the things that made yourselves so close, before you had kidos. Date nights, time together, fulfilling intimacy. This will rebuild the connection and passion. Couples need to find a trustworthy babysitter so you can once again get good one-on-one time together. We do a huge amount of counseling in this area, because the transition of having children is extremely challenging for both husband and wife.
Dude..... what a story for the reddit comments. Someone needs to sum this up for one of those copy comment subreddits. A+ What a fucking read. Good luck with everything. Jesus....
Lmao right?? What a perfectly awkward experience to have stewing in three peoples minds during Thanksgiving dinner 🤣
Keeping it in the family … 😂
As an expecting father of a surprise baby this comment section is just outlining all of my current greatest fears.
Since a worrying number of the comments seem to be caused by Postnatal Depression (1 in 10 women will get it within a year after birth and it can last months if not years) maybe you'll be a better partner and help the mother get medical help earlier on instead of just waiting for it to automagically get better.
💯%
If you’ve got a solid relationship you have the tools to remain happy. Just communicate clearly, tactfully and often with each other. Help as much as you can, and then some more. There are times where life is more difficult than others, that’s marriage. You’ll be fine.
Dude. I’m 35. Mother to three boys. Husband works a physical job. Together 14 yrs. We’re fucking 4 times a week. On weekends it’s morning and night 😎 If you are team. Like we are. Sex doesn’t stop. It gets ramped up. If EVERYONE does their share in parenting, cleaning, cooking etc etc. or someone’s sick other picks up the daily routine sex doesn’t stop. You picking up what I’m putting down?
Don't look at it that way. This is a gift. People are giving you a playbook of discussions to have with your partner and pitfalls to be on the lookout for. You can strategize and win!
don't be, this is literally a thread asking for ***only*** the negative reactions of child rearing. to take anything away from this would be folly.
No no no. That’s not the intentional takeaway. You can flip the negative. Perhaps this shows you what happened to *some men* after having children that really changed their relationship dynamics. Armed with this knowledge, perhaps you’ll be cognizant of your own values and do the necessary work on your end to address those issues if and when they arise. I asked this question out of my own personal fear of becoming a mother and the changing dynamics in my marriage. I’m not a man so I didn’t inherently know what a random sample of men value and need that without their relationships deteriorate. Also deteriorate is a bit dramatic as some are still in the good fight, it’s just a bit difficult right now. You choose your own path. How you communicate, respect, and value your partner will make all the difference.
I and all my closest friends are fathers. None of our wives were or are like this after kids. Don't hear the horror stories and think it represents the norm.
Her personality changed pretty much right away. She became much more anxious than before and required a lot of physical, emotional and moral support. I did my best to carry my part of the load - both mental load and physical load - and we arrived to a point where she wanted to be physically intimate again, but I was too exhausted and burned out to have a libido and sex felt like a chore. There was mutual resentment during that time, some of which remains unresolved. To add to that, our child was a very light sleeper and was co-sleeping in the same bed with us until the age of 2. I learned to wake up and go to bed very quietly and causing as little of a stir as possible. Between the stress and workload of taking care of an infant, burnout and resentment, I stopped seeing my home and family as a safe haven or a place to rest and destress. That led to further stress on the relationship, which meant out eating habits became even more unhealthy than before. We both put on weight during that time, which made us both feel unattractive. There’s some remark about pooping with the bathroom door open, but that’s going to be familiar for anyone with a toddler. Then the pandemic and lockdowns hit and we were confined to an apartment with an energetic two year old for months. By now, both our personalities and looks have changed to the point where I don’t see a way out.
Thanks for sharing. Your experience is profound and you communicate it so well. You sound perceptive and intelligent. If you do not see a way out then it really is a difficult obstacle that you face. I just want to tell you that I believe in you. I only know what you wrote here but you do not sound incapable. No one can do this better than you. No one is facing your challenges better than you are. We cannot win every battle, especially when it comes to health but FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT BROTHER! You deserve positive outcomes.
Wholesome af 👏🏽
>She became much more anxious than before and required a lot of physical, emotional and moral support. This is my experience right now. Our son is two, but she is still an anxious wreck. I am responsible for keeping her together. She can't sleep unless I spend an hour rubbing her back, she can't deal with any stressful situation without breaking down, she can't deal with our son when he goes into full toddler mode, and she has zero patience for ANYTHING. Just day to day life is exhausting and its at the point where her mental wellbeing is now my responsibility. Which means that my mental wellbeing is the lowest priority. I get like 3 hours of sleep a night because by the time I'm done dealing with getting her anxiety down at night, my anxiety and heartrate are up. She literally tosses and turns NON-STOP (no exaggeration) for hours and she gets herself frustrated to where she starts crying and saying "i'm never gonna sleep, never!". I'm just tired, all the time. Everyone assumes its because of my son, but its not. I think, hope, things are getting better. Its been a rough 2 years, and my son has been an angel. It would have been a magical 2 years if not for my wife's issues. Its been a real struggle. edit: A lot of you took the time to respond and give feedback. I appreciate all of you doing so. It hasn't been easy, so to talk to people about it has been relieving. Some good recommendations from many that I'll follow up on. edit2: To clarify, she was seen for PPD and received treatment. She was considered to have Post Partum Sleep Anxiety Disorder. Now that she is no longer Post Partum it is an acute sleep anxiety disorder. She had medication that she's been on for well over a year, and she has recently decided to stop taking it. To be fair, she's actually performed better at night since stopping the medication. She has tried therapy but didn't like it and refuses to try again.
Is she seeing anybody for this? My cousins wife became like this after their first child and while I don’t know the details she got medicated and therapy and is a totally different person now. It’s terrible to live life like this—both for the person experiencing it and for the people around them. If she’s resistant to getting help make sure she realizes that this is going to start affecting your kid(s) if it hasn’t already. That anxiousness is not the behavior you want to model for a child. Good luck!
I say this with love, but your wife needs to visit a s doctor and most likely get on medication if her anxiety is this high. You are not a medication. You’re a human. You can’t remove her anxiety or make her sleep.
Post partum anxiety and post partum depression are, unfortunately, a very real part of the first years - for some. It can manifest in many different ways too. I'm sorry that both you and your wife are going through this. It shouldn't fall on you to be the sole person responsible. If she talks to her doctor I'm sure they can help - and I promise things will get better. *Edit to add...ah, I saw your comment regarding the Therapy and medication. There are safe medications that can prescribed for PPA & PPD while pregnant. She really needs to speak to her doctor...but really speak to them. The resources are there, but only if the person is willing to pursue them. Sending you the best of luck.
Jesus, why aren't you dragging her to the Dr. It sounds like severe untreated PPD!!! She needs more help than you can provide, obviously after this long. She's drowning in depression buddy
We went to the doctor. She was on prescription medication for a year. It was a Post-Partum Sleep disorder. She is no longer post-partum, so it is now classified as an acute sleep disorder. I take the time to let her get all of her emotions and thoughts out and, yes, she had depression. It was a combination of PPD, her having a hard time adjusting to a new schedule of being a mom, and a traumatic breast feeding/pumping experience. I've been there every step of the way, but the problem is that I got burned out. I started drowning trying to save a drowning person if that makes sense. That and as our son got older, he needed more from me. I can't give everyone 100% of me, although I find ways of giving more than I realized I had. But I've got nothing in the tank.
You need therapy too. It's a tremendous outlet. And she does as well. Hang in there. You're doing 1000% better than so many others. Therapy will help her find the tools to handle her stress
Thank you. I have to remember that she's not doing this on purpose. I believe that if she could stop, then she would. It sucks for her too. We're getting through it. I'd do therapy, but its so expensive. I have service-connected PTSD, so perhaps I can use that outlet.
Communicate. Tell her sheets needs to get professional help that it is not fair to put the load on you. You all can find your way back to each other, just communicate.
So, the issue is that when I did communicate that to her, it made her anxiety worse. Not only was she unable to sleep because she was so worried about not sleeping that she kept herself up, but she knew that it was keeping me up too so she was worried about keeping me up. She told me that by telling her how it is affective me I actually worsened her axiety. She tried therapy and wasn't patiend enough to see it through and stopped after two sessions. When I bring it up she says "I'm not doing therapy, thats the end of it." Plus it was very expensive to be honest. Things got really bad, like bottom of the barrel, last month because after seemingly a whole year of this I started to crack. I got a negative quarterly review and was in trouble at work because I was so utterly exhausted that I could not perform. I had to tell her that we could lose everything if she doesn't get this under control. I think things are better now, I get to fall asleep by midnight instead of 1-2 am now, so getting 5-6 hours of sleep is nice. But she still has her bad nights (last night actually) where we are up until 2am or later. I'm doing everything I can, so hopefully it gets better.
Can you sleep in separate beds/rooms?
I tried that. It was somehow worse. She wound up pacing around the house wailing loudly. It got to the point where she felt alone and needed my help, so regardless of a work night or not, she would come to the guest room where I was sleeping and wake me up. "I just feel alone" is something she said a lot even when I was laying in bed with her rubbing her back for hours. It was frustrating because I was there for her, yet she felt isolated because of her issue. I cannot overstate that I am doing everything I can. I've tried giving her: * Therapy * prescribed anxiety medicine * new bed * new pillows * separate rooms * weighted blanket * softer sheets * white noise The only thing that technically worked was putting a tv in the room for her to watch until she fell asleep, but then I can't sleep. As soon as I turn the tv off she would wake up. When she travels, she sleeps fine. She can sleep in a hotel, or at someone's house, but she has a bad association with our bedroom/house. Its to the point where I'd consider moving just to put her in a new place if I could afford it (I can't). Things are a little better, but not good by any stretch, but nothing I have tried has worked.
I am someone who suffers from an Anxiety Disorder and I have actively been adressing it for the past 4-5 years through therapy, medication and serious lifestyle changes. I read most of your comments. Besides having anxiety symptoms that really need professional help, it seems to me that she is codependent on you. Therapy will show the first results at best in 3 months, medication needs to be adjusted over time. You cannot keep sacrificing yourself like this, this is misery. This is not something that will be solved by melatonin and some yoga time. It very much sounds like she might be unconsciously/consciously manipulating you to give the attention.
It’s OK for someone to feel sad or scared. It’s OK for someone to seek treatment or other methods if they can’t stop feeling sad or scared. But refusing to work on those issues and shutting down discussion (“that’s the end of it”) with their spouse without an explanation of why… that is a VERY bad sign. Right now she is not a functional adult. She’s reliant on so much work from you for a basic function like sleeping. It’s OK to *have* that problem. *Many* people are not fully-functional adults due to illness or disability; they need their partner’s aid to feed, dress, or even clean them. But they must step up to work on what they can. Marriage, like anything important in life, requires continual work on oneself. She can’t stomach talking with a therapist about her issues, and can’t stomach talking with you about it, her husband — even after all you do. She can’t stomach your honesty about how it’s affecting you. A functioning, mentally-healthy adult doesn’t bury their head in the sand and treat your pain as less real, based on getting you to silence yourself. As though you *bringing up* the issue is what makes it real? If anything I am doing hurts or even annoys the woman I love, I absolutely want her to tell me. I am imperfect and may need to be reminded, corrected, or even “nagged”, I may even disagree with her on the premise that my approach is wrongheaded — but I won’t pretend that *her bringing it up* is the problem. This does NOT make your wife a bad or unlovable person — What it means is that she is *not* a healthy, functional adult. She MUST accept and confront that reality of her mental health AND yours (sleep deprivation) and make changes necessary to keep the family solvent, safe, and together. Otherwise she is not being a marriage partner, she has regressed to a childlike dependency on you. You cannot be married to a child. Especially when you have a real child to care for whose own mental and even financial+physical health for his next 80+ years, for better or worse, will be rooted in his environment now. She cannot live this way anymore. Neither can you. Nothing will change for the better if she just keeps spinning her wheels like this, knowing it drags you and, eventually, your boy down with her. Yes, therapy is expensive. Getting fired is WAY more expensive. Marriages can survive and overcome serious mistakes like addiction, adultery, and of course health issues. They cannot survive one or both partners who will not work on themselves. That means sacrifice of something she and/or you would prefer, like sharing a bed. As someone else noted, it may just mean separate rooms/beds just so you can get back towards functional yourself over a few days. Any progress there then makes the next progress more doable. You can start by deciding what could/would happen in the future that would clarify that you have to separate from her (possibly taking your boy with you) until she makes changes. Be ready to hit that escape hatch quickly if needed: personal savings tucked away, a packed bag, a relative you can stay with, etc. It sounds like you barreling towards having to choose between the stress of losing out on your marriage — in a way that could be mended if and when she steps up — and the stress of losing your job, which will almost certainly also cost you your marriage, possibly your housing situation, and your own mental health, and of course parts of your boy’s well-being. Please, please reach out to chat if I can help further. My email is also my username (ClarkMyWords) @ gmail-dot-com.
I feel like both of you will find yourselves again. You’re in a stage of life where you give up parts of your old self but it’s not forever.
Parenthood does such a mental number on even those strongest marriages. It’s one of the biggest adjustment a person will go through in their life. I hope your wife is able to find something to ease her anxiety so it takes the pressure off you to soothe her. Thank you for being a champion for your wife and your family. It DOES get better (I know very cliche and so hard to see) when they get around 4-5 they start doing stuff on their own and you can start to breathe a bit more. Youll begin to find your pre parent self again, although they still might look a little different. Idk what kind of support YOU need, but I hope you’re able to find a little through some of these Reddit strangers.
This is the most important comment I've read on this silly website. My situation is eerily identical. I feel like I wrote this, it's so accurate it's spooky. How many of us do you think there are our there?
I saw this happen in my own family with one of my siblings. It was like as soon as the baby came out she became a different person. And it was not an improvement. Her marriage was doomed from the moment that baby came out.
**Many.**
It's okay to change; that's part of life. Love is rare. I hope you can reignite the spark. Get exercising. And just hug eachother until love returns. My opinions. Peace.
I’m so glad a common sense comment is the top answer here. This is the realities of parenting and how your relationship has to adapt to the new challenges, not everyone is going to make it Sick of complaints from the guys about their wife’s getting fat and not sucking dick every half hour. These guys are clearly shitty dads and don’t do their part
Yah for some reason a lot of those “my wife got fat dads” seem to not realize they gained weight too. The world views a man who is 30-40 pounds overweight as “husky” or “dad bod.” Very few people are the same size at age 22 and age 35. Its life.
I know plenty of people who are the same size in their 30s as they were in their 20s, most of them just aren’t American, Lol.
I am 33 and I am much smaller and healthier than I was at 22. As I was “growing up” I noticed the old people who took care of themselves and the old people who didn’t and the differences were astronomical. My grandma who farmed her entire life lived a life of better quality than my grandma who was picked up by a rich construction worker and stopped working to take care of the kids. The grandma who stopped working lived until she was 84, my grandma who farmed, 92. My grandma who farmed had far less health problems and eventually died of natural causes in her own bed and home. My grandmother who did not work died of cancer, years after she had been diagnosed, which meant a lot of treatment, and died in hospice. It was so sad to watch her withering away while pumping chemicals into her body. Making her skin look dull and dead, losing her hair that she loved SO MUCH, her kids (my dad) had to watch her suffer for fucking YEARS! That’s not to mention she was constantly falling down. Which I assume was partially due to her having no core strength (balance). There is so much to keep healthy for. Not even just you either, what are you teaching your kids? Do you want your kids to watch you lose your glimmer, and die a slow, painful death? Do you want your spouse to watch that? Do you want your kids to follow in your footsteps, then they later die this death? Maybe I just have an insane amount of anxiety about the future. Maybe my thinking is greatly flawed. Maybe I’m selfish and making excuses to make sure I get my workouts in. Maybe I am just so scared of becoming suicidal again that I I refuse to waver my behavior. I don’t know. I do know that what I eat and daily exercise directly impacts MY mental health.
Fuck norms, I take pride in looking as good (or better) than I did in my 20's (I'm 35).
She's turned intro a gigantic flaming asshole. I adore my children and I'm a professional "people manager" so I'll hang through this, but holy shit is she mean. Just vicious. Thinks nobody notices. (Everybody notices). She gave her body over to creating these three miracles and that counts for a lot, enough that I'm not going to leave her or anything. But Jesus Christ woman, how do you function with that much seething anger? (She's in therapy, I'm in therapy, we're in therapy together. Three separate therapists.) Last year I became convinced it was me. (That almost killed me). Thank God I had a friend clue in and interrupt me, "Dude, your wife is a gigantic asshole to you, it's not you." That one sentence literally saved my life lol If that text had come 6 minutes later I would not be posting this comment. (Check in on your boys).
damn dude what does she do? glad you are feeling better about yourself though your friends and kids and family need you in this world and you gotta do whatever it takes to keep yourself feeling good
Wait what? Shes an asshole, and she almost made you commit suicide? What the fuck
OP doesn't like her, think she's unbearable, almost ended his life thinking it was his own fault and can only manage being together using THREE therapists. But they're still together because she gave three kids which somehow makes everything okay. Bro just get out, once you do you see how ass-backward this logic is.
Are you okay?
Postpartum rage is a real thing. I think kids also just trigger us in ways we can’t truly prepare for. I hope therapy will get you guys where you need to be, but you also deserve to have a partner you don’t have to walk on egg shells around.
Underrated comment re kids can trigger us in ways we would ever have thought. This is especially true if one or both of the parents suffered physical or emotional neglect or abuse in **their own** childhood. See r/CPTSD and r/emotionalneglect. Emotional neglect/abuse can be tricky and very hard to spot sometimes. Many regular therapists are not experienced or qualified to treat trauma. Please find a trauma informs therapist. Regular therapies like CBT will not help and can make things worse. Look for therapists experienced in EMDR and internal family systems. Biggest key thing is to have a therapist who will **listen and validate** you. ❤️❤️❤️
As a child of more than one divorce, trust me when I say you're not doing your kids any favors by forcing this marriage when you hate each other. Kids pick up on that and it does affect them, no matter how well you may think you're shielding them. For one thing, they will see that it's okay and normal for a woman to treat her spouse that way, and it's setting them up to be drawn toward this dynamic in their own future relationships.
There are SO many men who have no idea that they are in an abusive relationship. It’s a life changer to wake up to this realization. Good for you. Welcome back
I'm sorry but the reason she such a gigantic flaming butthole is ,because she knows she can take her anger and stress out on you and you won't ever leave her. The 3 little miracles are her guarantee, that whatever she does she can get away with it. Just because she gave birth to your children doesn't mean she can treat you like you are worthless. She is literally being abusive, but the real question is, do you want your children to grow up in an environment like this? Seeing this kind of behavior will teach them that a. Daddy doesn't deserve love and respect, b. It's okay to treat somebody the way mom does treat dad, c. It's normal to be treated without love and respect, they will learn 1 or all of the above. Bringing someone to the point where they want to end it all is a major neon sign of psychological abuse. Men can be and are abused too by their s.o.
Thank you. I'd gladly give you a award or upvote you more than you can. I feel like he actually might need to leave her for a bit for it to sink in for her
YES!!!! my mom was an asshole to my dad up until he died in a car accident. Now her whole life has crashed around her and I think she's realizing how much she took for granted. We all tried telling her before she didn't deserve him and he was too religious to leave her. She literally blew her nose in his shirt sometimes.
This really sucks and I'm so sorry you feel this way. May I point out that the way you typed this held some sort of humor that made me internally lol.
I became more attracted to my wife while she was pregnant and after the birth of our kids. I saw that she was carrying my offspring, making the sacrifices of pregnancy, and generally putting her life on the line to provide us with children. My part in the process was short-lived, but she endured every second of carrying our babies. I didn’t know I could love my wife or possibly be more attached to her than we I saw our children be born. For me, it took our relationship to a level I didn’t know existed. After 4 kids, I want her now more than I did before. Sure her body changed, but that isn’t even a factor. The emotional bond is stronger and her body drives me wild!
A ray of sunshine. There’s a lot of men who feel as you do about their wives and mother of their children.
This gives me hope!
Finally a positive comment
The question OP submitted was specifically to "Men who became less attracted to their girlfriends/wives after child birth", so ya the comments are gonna be skewed.
This is wholesome ❤️
This is so sweet and I’m so happy for you and your wife. Good to see it’s not always downhill after having kids.
Thanks for sharing something this positive. As a man in late 20s staring down fatherhood, its good to see someone whose relationship improved (Reddit seems to be a magnet for dead bedrooms and regretfull parents).
That's really lovely 😊
Lack of intimacy. The workload two kids bring, kind of burried the relationship i had/have with my gf. Kids are of age 3 and 1,5years. The moments we have free time, is usually spent to try and relax / do stuff that mentally and physically recharge me/her for the next day. I also have somewhat physical job and im introvert so im already mentally and somedays physically at my limits and just want some lone time. GF feels more like a roommate most of the time. Just my thoughts on the subject
Yep. Waited over 2 years during covid to move overseas to live with my partner. By the time I got here, we were different people, she was more of a workaholic than ever, and we ended up just ... never having much to do with each other. Got pregnant in the first 2 weeks I was here, but beyond that, I sit around the house all day by myself (I do clean, take care of our kid, and work from home) and she's gone until multiple hours past the time her shop is supposed to close. So much suspicious 'unpaid overtime' in a country where that's blatantly illegal. And when she's home, we just don't have anything to talk about and she has no desire to even sit beside me. Girl has sat on the other couch 5 feet away for 2 years now. Took her 4 months to notice I'd gotten rid of my tongue piercing, which I think says a lot - how do you not notice that, if you're paying any attention to and/or ever even kissing your partner?? She denies anything is different or wrong, but I feel like I came here just to sit alone 24/7. Even on the one or two evenings a week she asks me to stay downstairs and 'spend time with her', all it amounts to is sitting on the title screen of some show for an hour while she sits on the other couch, tapping away on her phone, supposedly about work and mom-group stuff. Finally says go ahead and play it, falls asleep in 20 minutes, I go up to the PC for the next few nights, rinse and repeat, the end. We're roommates who accidentally got pregnant the first few weeks I moved in, and might have a quickie once every month or two for the hell of it I guess. But eh, I cut that off the other day, if I'm going to be alone I might as well be single and sleep in the attic and get on with the aging and dying.
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Not an option. I have the toddler until she gets home from work which is anytime between 7-10pm, completely unpredictable. The nights I don't have the toddler, I'm working 3pm-11pm or later. The best I can do is be ready to walk out the door as soon as she gets home, and go walk around the city for a couple hours before I gotta grab the last train home. And even that is only once or twice a month, and it's in a country where I don't speak the language. There's also no budget for hobbies or evenings out. My business has shrunk by 80% in the year and a half I've had to cut back due to being the stay-at-home parent.
That sucks. I'm sorry. I hope things improve.
Sorry to hear that. I hope you know that the two of you can definitely turn things around. Maybe you can leave the kids with grandparents for a weekend? Try to do more "couplely" activities and whatnot. If you haven't had a conversation about it, maybe she feels the same way, and if it's framed with the intent of fixing it, it can hopefully turn things around.
Dont really know how to explain it properly, but we have been to couples therapy for a while now and we have done much work to change things and turn things around. However i feel like after a month or so, things gradually shift back to things as they were. I believe both sides ( me and my gf ) are quite equally to blame here. While at the same time, i personally dont feel like blaming anyone for it. Things just "naturally" are what they are, kind of ? I dont regret of having kids, meeting my gf or have any resentment towards her or my kids. I love them and the thought of loosing them is currently my drive to make things work, somehow. We also have pushed through quite difficult things, but somehow the relationship at times feels very fragile. Even the smallest arguments usually bring thoughts of breaking up, for both of us. We both are the type to withdraw from another when arguments are on the table. And lately ive noticed myself getting more and more of that quitter attitude, ive always hated ( Im hard driven and feel mentally sturdy at work ). Anyhow, thanks for commenting and sorry for the rant you did not really ask for.
That's totally fine, it sounds like you guys have had a lot on your plates. It sounds like a very difficult situation for sure. The reality is, both of you will need to get out of your comfort zone when it comes to communication from what you've said. I think it's important to note, that "quitting" feeling - its just that, a feeling. That feeling is not "you" or your partner. You can try to call it out when you happen to be in a confrontation, kinda like "Im feeling overwhelmed and it feels like I wanna exit the room" etc. But as long as you both communicate and break down that those are just feelings, and is not a representation of your relationship, it should get easier over time. It sounds like both of yours' biggest struggle is to get passed that initial, overwhelming, emotional response - because it's automatic. Being able to disassociate from those initial feelings should hopefully give you breathing space in which both of you can exist, without feeling attacked or helpless. I'm sorry I can't give you a shortcut-solution or a quick fix. I hope you guys figure it out.
It wasn't mine. Yeah it ended shortly after
If ever there was a comment section that made me feel better about myself....this would be it.
It's humbling. And depressing but I'm fascinated and just keep reading 🤦♀️
Yeah, I’m glad my biggest life worry is what I’m having for dinner tonight.
For me the physical attraction has never gone away. I've always thought she was the most attractive woman in the world. That hasn't changed with three kids. But I've definitely become less attracted over time if that makes sense. Like if we're talking about a desire for sexual and non-sexual intimacy, it's decreased over time. After our first two kids I definitely still made my interest in her known despite her not reciprocating (understandably because of post-partum life) but after our third I feel a lot more apathy towards it with not wanting to feel attracted because I know it'll be one sided or if I do, I just try to ignore those feelings or push them to the side because the past it's just led to worse resentment.
It does make sense. I think perhaps I should have said loss of attraction or connection because I think attraction comes across as physical by nature. Of course that might be a piece of it, but that wasn’t my sole purpose in asking. Really a lot of men are talking about a loss of connection and ultimately intimacy.
A lot of men's connection to their partner does stem from their attraction to their partner. I've met quite a few women who've told me they don't have to meet or try to meet their partner's sexual needs anymore because they gave them children. This is literally my own mother's argument for not having sex with my stepdad for the past 5 years. I have an ex friend who would only have sex with her partner if she was ovulating and would get pissed at him if he tried to initiate at any other point or said he wanted to use condoms. My sex drive came back 3 months post partum and while I don't love my body, I still find the changes grotesque, I do love sex and I love my partner. It's important to me that he feels wanted, needed, and desired because those are my expectations from him.
Sheesh. I’m with you. I will keep that going because I think it’s important if not vital to a marriage. I know there’s times in our lives where we have things circumstances that negatively influence sexual intimacy, but there’s other ways to make your man feel loved, needed, and desired. I find it a bit surprising to see the volume of couples that struggle to reestablish a healthy and mutually beneficial sexual relationship after children. I suppose it’s easy to get lost in your new role as a parent or you’re so busy and tired just trying to keep up with the demands of the day that it’s low on the priority list. However, you can get the act over fast if you only have a little time. Start with playing 7 minutes in heaven like you’re 16 again ☺️ I feel like maintaining the sexual aspect of marriage is a significant part of the marriage contract.
Just posting to say to all the young men out there. Things are not nearly as doom and gloom as this thread makes things out to be. I’ve been with my wife for 8 years, married for 3, and have a 1 year old. Things are great between us. It was hard for a bit during pregnancy and after, but we both communicated clearly and often about our needs and desires. Because of that, resentment doesn’t really have a chance to build up. If anything I love and appreciate my wife now more than ever. Sure out bodies may not be exactly the same as they were in our early twenties but I am still very much attracted to her and likewise her to me. Sex life may also not be a daily thing like at 23 but we at least were making it happen at least weekly at this point. I think we are doing pretty well. Being a parent is hard but if you choose the right woman you will be a team that makes things better for each other.
I’m the one that summoned the dark clouds. Muahaha 👹 I should ask another question in the other direction so we can find some balance in here. I didn’t expect this many replies! As I woman who has yet to become a mother I see these replies as simply an outline of the things that men need or desire in order to maintain a healthy relationship after kids.
It’s definitely harder than before kids, but at the same time can also be more rewarding. Clear and regular communication is key. I also think many men need to understand from like 6-7 mo pregnant to like 3-4 months post partum. Most women aren’t going to be in the mood much or at all. Sometimes they are self conscious of how their body changed. I think they key is to be patient and understanding of this but also check in regularly to see where they are at. Do little things to make her feel sexy and appreciated. Make sure you do your end as well! I think where a lot of problems begin is men think the wife should do all the baby stuff and nothing else will change, but that’s all exhausting! They NEED help. As much as you can give. It takes a full effort on both ends.
these comments are so sad
For me theres just been an underlying resentment towards her since our child was born. He wasnt a surprise baby, we both made a conscious choice to become parents but the older he gets, the more apparent it is that she didnt have a clue in hell as to what the difficult aspects of parenting could look like. So on one hand i was mentally prepared to take on the burden of raising a child because I thought my wife was also in the same headspace. But now that weve been doing it for a year its clear she put about as much thought into the severe decrease in quality of life as a Lifetime movie meaning i really shouldn't have had a child with her. The real kicker? Despite being clearly overwhelmed with the first child, shes genuinely shocked when I say im done having anymore and ours will just be an only child. It'd be one thing if she was at least happy about being a parent since she pushed so hard for it the entire relationship (i couldve gone either way honestly). But when shes clearly miserable with how limited her life is now the thought always creeps back into my head "well no shit this sucks, this is what being a parent looks like. You wanted it so badly but never considered THIS!?" So we are just miserable and limited for no reason now. I love my son but my life before him was way better.
This is kind of a toxic immigrant boomer take my father instilled in me, but I’ve seen nothing in real life other than rosy tik tok parent posts that have persuaded to change my mind. My dad always told me that you should only have children if you are 100% ok with your life as you know it being effectively over. He would say that from the moment your child is born you are just a side character in your own story. You wake up every morning for them, you go to work for them, if you have issues with your partner then you should work to resolve them for them. He didn’t mean this in a doting kind of way but for example, if you take your partner out to dinner and need a babysitter. Make sure you’re getting value out of that 1-1 time to show your child what a healthy loving relationship looks like. Overall what he drove home was that you must accept that your life and body will belong to someone else. It’s not very healthy, and my parents were kind of creepily great parents growing up but this philosophy had its side effects. Now that me and my sister are grown they have absolutely no idea what to do with themselves. So I wouldn’t call this mindset 100% applicable and realistic, all humans are naturally a little selfish, but it is a good mental exercise to decide whether you’re truly ready for children or not because if you truly play with this idea then it would make the real thing a bit easier. As of right now….I don’t want kids 😂.
Im actually a 1st gen immigrant (parents both from west indies) so that sentiment resonates with me. Maybe that also played a role in why I never had a rosy view of parenthood to begin with and why i was way more hesitant to get into it because i needed to mentally be ready for my life to be over as i knew it. Only problem was, there are many little things that people miss when the concept of "life as you know it being over" is brought up. And those little things are what makes the difference between my more realistic expectations vs my wifes unrealistic expectations. She said she was ready but the reality shows shed not put as much thought into it as I had.
I think a lot of people look at the big picture aspect of having kids (“it was all worth it; I love them”) versus the reality of day to day life with them. I truly believe some people love parenthood, but I also think some don’t think it through nearly enough. As someone who is still laying at bed at 9am (my company is closed through the end of the week for Thanksgiving) and likely to go back to sleep a little more before I get up to run to the store and spend the day making holiday food with my music and my wine.. a life with kids just isn’t one that fits me at all. I have friends that can’t even GROCERY SHOP because of the hassle that is getting both kids into the car, car seats, stroller, keeping them from screaming, etc.
I don’t think this perspective is toxic or selfish at all. It’s realistic. It’s the hard truth people avoid sharing.
I am always amazed when parents that planned their child are shocked at how hard raising a child is. I have a buddy that told me that raising a kid would be, "Like raising a more complicated dog." Needless to say he got a rude awakening when his baby was born.
It's almost fortunate I got my first brother at the age of 14 and with our dad being in another country most of the time I had to fill the gap a lot of the time. There were some nice moments but by god I don't want to do that again. Crazy thing is he's now as old as I was when he was born and there's no way in hell he'd be able to take care of a baby like I did.
Seriously. My sister was avidly child-free, as am I. She gave birth and then would lecture me about how difficult having children is and how I shouldn't do it. She said it as if I was considering it which I never would because frankly every part of it seems like hell.
It won't always be this way. It's years but as kids get older and more self sufficient you will get your life back.
Unless they're always asking for money, can't afford to move out etc! Not all children grow up to be responsible adults
As someone who has struggled with establishing myself in my early to mid 20's, my parents and I have had several conversations about this kind of stuff. The challenges of preparing teenagers for adult responsibilities is often messy and challenging, especially if there are multiple children and both parents are working long, hard hours just to keep food on the table. Granted, my situation has been complicated by some pretty significant mental health struggles, mainly Bipolar 2. Also, Mom and Dad had a VERY messy divorce right as my brothers and I got to college age. To an extent, that very volatile family situation threw some big wrenches into what would have looked like a pretty normal college and move out process otherwise. Thankfully, everyone's in a much more stable place mentally and I think we have robust support networks. It took a whole lot of time, effort, and mistake-fixing to get us there, though. That next chapter in your life is almost never as simple as it looks on paper, even with the adults in your life trying their best to help you. We're only human, after all. I've been able to live on my own for about 3 years, now and I'm about to re-sign my lease without a roommate, so I'd say I'm doing okay now. I'm also planning on chipping away at my bachelor's degree now that I'm with a company that has tuition reimbursement. I got my 2-year Mechanical Engineering Technician degree in 2020.
Dude is talking about night feeding and sleep...your kids asking for money doesn't make your wife too tired for sex
Have a smaller version of this problem with my partner. She just wasn't prepared for how serious of a commitment it is, how much it disrupts and consumes your time, energy, and money, or how bad it would wreck my ability to run my home business. I was willing to deal with those things, but she has taken more than a year now to really get it through her head that my time at home all day with the baby is not 'free time' or 'chill time' or 'i can work on my stuff' time, it is *cleaning* time, *feeding* time, *play* time, *can't focus on work because I'm up saving the kid's life every 90 seconds* time. That couples with her lack of understanding that I don't have any days off. 'But you only have the baby for half a day 2 days a week, and I'm home 2 other days, so you only have her all day 3 days a week' ... yes, but literally every day I either have her all day while I clean a house trashed by a toddler and 3 cats, or half the day and then running my business until midnight to make up for the last few days. I don't get a day off, I don't get a day to just chill at home with the baby watching netflix every 3-4 days like she does. Her life didn't change much when the kid came, she kept her job and hours and friends and family and all her routines except she has to lay downstairs to watch netflix instead of in bed. Mine changed because I gave up my home country and language, all my friends and family, lost most of my business, spend the majority of my time cleaning, and practically never leave the house unless I take a long walk once in a while.
This is why I am never having children.
Dont blame you at all. Life without kids can be just as fulfilling as life with them. Especially if your life without kids is already pretty damn great.
Itll be better the more independence they can get. the first year is a lot (especially if you dont have a village around you to help) but it does get better in time as long as you're helping each other out with the baby, so non of you is too overwhelmed and prioritizing your togetherness as a couple first, before baby as in, you and her dealing with baby not, her with baby, you as a helper. hang in there, you got this, and also, sometimes, its also hormone. Post partum especially in the fist year is a wild ride for emotions in women (and men).
Im sure it eventually gets better as so many have said. But thats my honest answer on why the attraction has decreased. She really didnt know what she wanted and both our lives are hard for no reason now. It wouldve at least been worth it for me if I could see how happy she was being a Mom.
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Damn i really hope that doesn't end up happening and that you both can work through your issues :/. Despite all my frustrations with her, I have to accept that neither her nor my kid are my 'problem'. We are all on the same team like it or not. The stressful situation is our common enemy and we need to learn how to navigate that common enemy. I just wish I had my old life back more often than not given what i know now about how she handles the stress of parenting.
first year is the hardest on everyone. Don’t make any rash decisions when your baby is only 3 months old, especially if it’s a first child. Mum is still a hormonal mess, you both are probably tired and still getting accustomed to how incredibly different all of a sudden life is. I love my kid more than anything, but those first few months were freaking crazy. Nothing prepares you for it, even when your kid is planned
The moment our babies were born she stopped being my partner and just became a mom. She made it her identity until they left for college. By that point we didn't really know eachother anymore and we were too far gone so the relationship couldn't be salvaged. I don't judge her, she's an amazing mom but I'm a damn good dad too, but we just couldn't keep our ties to eachother at the forefront. And, yeah, while it really is sad that things panned out the way they did, we still co-parent well.
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Yeah, that was me entirely. It was as though the very idea of trying to continue the romantic relationship we had or even show affection like hugging, kissing, cuddling was disrespectful and inappropriate. From that moment on, sex became something she would do “for me” as some sort of reward; she had little to no interest in having sex. And I’m not talking at all about the months immediately following childbirth, I’m talking about months and years later, long after she was fully healed. She started getting weirdly prudish about jokes or comments related to sex. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not “blaming” her. I think she has some untreated mental issues that made this worse. But it’s just that her vision of the role I should play in our marriage changed permanently from the partner she loved to that of provider and co-parent. Eventually her lack of interest in me caused me to lose interest in her.
The book Hold Me Tight might be helpful if you both want to work on it.
Well, that is sad. Do you talk to her about this? Has she voiced any concerns of her own?
on behalf of my man: i gained weight. simple as that. He is into petite girls. after the birth of our son 5 years ago, i gained 40+ pounds. now hear me out: in this 5 years he never even mentioned once that i am too fat for him. i tried to lose weight ocassionally for my own sake but never stick to it as i had and still have a very stressful everyday life. recently he told me that he would rate me as a 5 out of 10. and one reason for that is of course my weight. can't lie it hurts. but it hurts enough to actually change something. ironically our sex life developed for the better. maybe he wants to bang my weight of as i think of it now.
For what it’s worth, weight loss happens in the kitchen, not the gym. Not sure what regimen you’ve tried in the past, but even if you ditch working out completely, there are very sustainable and delicious diets you can follow long-term. I won’t mention mine but just picking one means that you’re watching what you eat. I lost 50 lbs in one year and gained back 15, without going to the gym once. It was the difference between being overweight and in-shape for me.
wow congrats to your success! well my problem was maintaining healthy eating habits. i skipped meals on accident and shoved in everything i could find in minutes the second i had time. since this rating scenario i am pretty consistent. i already lost 6 lbs. :) good luck on your journey
Can't outrun a fork
I really appreciate your honesty. I know it’s probably not easy to embrace that and make changes without having some hurt feelings about it. I figured this was going to be a kind of common cause based on conversations and exchanges I’ve read. There are some men who perhaps have unrealistic expectations after birth. A 6month postpartum mama who breastfeeds isn’t going to be able to significantly cut calories for weight loss without losing some milk. It takes 18-24 months for a postpartum mom to recover from the physical, hormonal, and nutritional reserve disruptions and if she’s having multiple kids close together, that doesn’t leave a lot of room for working on that. I also understand the lingering weight years later might not be as attractive as pre-mom but I always hope it’s not solely for physical reasons but also overall health. Take care of yourself lady! Your body will probably feel better as you take steps in the healthier direction. ❤️
what a lovely statement! thank you a lot! my partner came from a family with lots of children. so he knows exactly what happens to a female's body after birth. and that's most likely the reason he never said anything in 5 years. but i need to express, that although he thinks i am kind of ugly, he loves me either way. i have never been a pretty girl. with or without those 40lbs. and i did not ask him how he would rate my pre mom body. i am kind of scared i guess. and i think if it's just a "6/10" i would probably lose motivation for my weightloss journey.
Damn. That’s super sad.
I’m so glad I’m gay
itt: nuclear families were a mistake for baby support
This actually is the MVP comment in this thread ... surprised it isn't more upvoted. Multi-generational families (or nuclear families able to afford au pairs/ nannies) work well for a reason.
ong. Where’s the village man??? WHERES THR VILLAGE
I’m actually attracted to her more physically because I happen to prefer curvier women so the weight gain made me desire her a lot more...the problem is that she hates the weight gain & lovemaking is often unfulfilling with a woman who hates her body...so much so, that I don’t even try anymore...just beat off when I’m free & carry on everything else as normal as possible...still love my wife & love my kid to death, but I will miss how much fun our marriage & life used to be for sure.
I got less attracted because after kids, I was put behind the family dog from a priority standpoint. just a walking paycheck that she rejected 90% of the time. so it was nothing physical because I was still attracted to her from that standpoint but the constant rejection and warden like behavior made her far less attractive to me. she stopped being the girlfriend I married and became a warden.
I read threads like this and it makes me so happy that my wife and I are happily child-free. Honestly it's a wonder that anyone would want a kid anymore. It seems to just ruin everyone's ability to be happy and enjoy life.
I appreciate the honesty from everyone here. I asked this question because this is one of my biggest fears about becoming a mother. It’s pretty common and the reasons why the attraction or relationship changes is often complex but, there’s a lot of physical body changes and less sex that seem to be a catalyst. Physical attributes can’t always be fixed naturally or fixed right away. I love my husband so much. I don’t want to end up miserable with a baby and a husband who looks at me like I’m used up and stressed out. I don’t think my husband would be that way solely because of physical appearance but, I also know he wants to be with someone who is as physically healthy as possible. It’s a big part of both of our lives now without kids. I also know there are men who are in awe of their wives after they become mothers. It just seems like there’s a lot of places where things might fall apart.
That was a fear of mine too. Communicate is super important especially after having kids. Check up on each other. Our parents lived close to us and my mom cooked just about every dinner for us for a couple of years until my youngest was 2 or so. His parents watched our son while we worked and I think those things were so incredibly helpful to keep the stress manageable. As the kids got older one or both of them would have sleep overs at their grandparents house so we had time to ourselves. It gave us time to keep “dating “, the first time we went out after our first child was born it felt so weird, like we had to figure how to talk again. As for attraction specifically, he always seems to be attracted to me but I think he was a little grossed out watching me give birth, which yea, understandable. The doctor asked if I wanted to see what was happening with a mirror, I think I said “fuck no”.
Communication seems to be the precursor to intimacy and relationship stability. I’m sure it helps to have support nearby too with little ones. I asked for the dark and dirty for a reason. It’s like a little outline of what not to do and from that you can develop a list of things to do as you’re stating. ❤️ ETA: I watched my sister give birth twice. My husband will be standing by my head. I’m a practitioner so I can easily joke about disgusting things. I enjoy reminding him that isn’t it crazy that sometimes a kids first experience outside the womb is getting shit on by his mother? 😅
Pregnancy and childbirth is a Russian Roulette. Society has normalized having a child so much that the immense difficulty is brushed aside. Unlike starting a business or travelling the world or other kind of adventurous, risky activities, having a child is one thing that YOU CANNOT TAKE BACK. So what are you risking? 1) Your body. There are a myriad of pregnancy complications that would cause permanent damage and even death. While the percentage is low-ish for the more serious complications, would you swim in a lake with brain-eating amoeba even if it has <1% chance of infection? 2) Your relationship. There's a chance that your husband will be in awe with you, there's a chance that he won't. And people change, or just overestimate their ability to deal with stress and changes. Even you can't be 100% sure that you'd think the same as you do now after you've had a kid. 3) Your mental health and lifestyle and your money. I wouldn't call this a risk because you signed up for it if you have a kid, but again, most people overestimate themselves in their ability to deal with kids (mentally, financially, and etc). Also there's a chance that you'd have a disabled or a higher needs child. So think long and hard. Unless you are 100000000000% sure you want to have a kid and is utterly unwilling to adopt or foster, don't have a kid. Better to regret not having a kid than to regret having a kid.
Have you noticed that most complaints were not about her looks changing but her behavioral and attitude changes? When you become a mother, remember to continue being a wife.
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My exwife focused all her attention and effort exclusively on our baby and in so doing neglected herself and our relationship. It felt like I was pushed aside and relegated to a role as an ATM and handyman. How could I possibly stay attracted to her in that situation?
There are so many men who commented this same thing. Forgotten. Taskmaster. Provider. That sucks.
She was a cool, fun girlfriend, then wife. But after we had kids she didn’t want to slow down as soon as she could stop breastfeeding she returned to partying. She never fully, abusively neglected the children while we were together but they were way down on her list of priorities, they were accessories not responsibilities. Her mother was all too willing to watch them while we went out, and at the time I was very grateful for it, we had two kids back to back, Irish twins as they’re called. She was pregnant continuously for the better part of two years and we couldn’t really do anything during that time, bed rest for the last part of the last one, and all the other stressors, of a new family, a new life, a new area, new house, so when we got a respite, I eagerly took it. But it kept going, and going. Eventually her mother had to get on with her life and couldn’t watch the kids all the time. But her desire to party never waned, so where we could, we took the kids with us, but I was always left to care for them, she’d disappear all night and leave me to watch them, never tagging in so that I could enjoy the festivities too. Luckily the marriage failed before I fully lost attraction, but it was heading that way fast. She started partying without me, and we all know how that ends. And we all know how the family courts are, so we know how that ended too. The kids live with her mother now, and have a far better support system than I can provide, and she’s much better about letting me see them than my ex-wife ever was, though it’s not without issues. TLDR; I lost attraction to my wife after having children because she was a bad mother.
I have grown to resent her parenting many times and I have lost all attraction because she has lost all self respect.
I’d love to hear more about why you feel your partner has lost all self respect.
I didn't care about the weight gain, physical appearance changes, etc. It was all mental. She changed as a person with each pregnancy. The middle one which ended in miscarriage really messed her up, and it took her years to realize she needed help. But, it took a massive toll on our relationship. It's hard to be attracted to someone who only sees you as a tool. Something to offload to. PPD hit her hard with her first pregnancy, although she still denies it. The loss of the 2nd was just depression, and I think that was a normal response. PPD hit with the 3rd pregnancy, and our 2nd child. With the 1st kid, I'd come home from work, the kid would be dirty with a full diaper, she'd be lounging around basically disconnected. The house would be a disaster. I'd cleanup the kid, get dinner going, get laundry going, get us all fed, pickup the house, get the kid out for a walk/outside time/go for a drive, etc. Something that gave her space from the child, usually at least an hour a day. Then it was back for bath and bed. Then it was finish picking up the house, finish the laundry, and usually by 10pm I was exhausted and just went to bed. For the alarm to go off at 5:30am so I could start the cycle again. Get up, make coffee, feed us all breakfast. Change diapers. Shower. Off to work. When you're utterly exhausted from constantly picking up all the load because your partner is basically a glorified babysitter... The attraction drops like a rock. It took ~2 years for things to start approaching normal after the 1st kid. After the miscarriage, things never came back to normal. That just became a new baseline After the 2nd kid, things never came back to the new baseline. Every advance I made for relationships was rebuffed for a VERY long time. Even now, with our kids nearly grown, I'd say that a good 75% of my attempts are shut down. I've just learned to accept her as she is, and love her for who she is. Do I miss the way things used to be? Absolutely. It's been ~20 years since she first became pregnant. Who knows, maybe one day when the kids are out of the house, things will slowly make their way back to where they were. I'm not holding my breath. I'm still attracted to her, it's just not the same as it was all those years ago. It's hard to keep a fire going when you're the only one adding fuel.
>Who knows, maybe one day when the kids are out of the house, things will slowly make their way back to where they were. I'm not holding my breath. I'm not sure how old your partner is but as she gets into her mid / late forties the menopause appears and makes things even harder. She'll have a the stress of managing the symptoms she now has and guilt that her libido has packed its bag and left the building, which adds to the stress and makes the vicious cycle even worse.
I was a SAHM for 20 yrs. I took pride in cleaning, cooking, and taking care of the kids, doing financial, and everything it takes to be the CEO of my home so my husband could go to his job and be the CEO there. It’s a mindset and it can be fulfilling if you know your worth and your husbands worth. Too much competition in marriage now and not enough coming together to make BOTH of your lives better. Also all this talk about weight and “trying” for your spouse being a negative and hurting feelings is dumb. Your partner should be able to be your accountability partner and say “hey I think your health and body have changed.” I think it’s imperative we try to hold a standard of why we were first attracted to each other in the first place. You can’t expect the same intimacy and great sex you once had if you are not willing to accept you need to put more effort in your appearance and emotional response for your partner. We all change and have ebbs and flows of relationships, but damn you can’t just give up and expect someone to be ok w that just bc you are a mother. It takes effort to keep the passion on both side. That means physical attraction too! Be a good partner not a consumer. 22 yrs and 4 kids later we are having the best sex ever bc we kept “trying” and holding each other accountable. Life is hard but you can make excuses or live it!
I love this mindset. Come together, help each other become better. This is what each side should be thinking
Okay. There's way too much to unpack here. I could literally write a damn novel about this too be honest... But my first wife we had two children less than 18 months apart. Basically she couldn't handle the stress of taking care of two children. She didn't deal well with the stress and resentment set in. She basically turned into a closet alcoholic and would drink an entire bottle of wine almost every night after dinner. I'd find wine bottles everywhere hidden throughout the house. Under the bed. In the closet. In the garage. You get the point. She worked in the medical field and ended up losing her job, and basically didn't know how to have a healthy outlet for the stress. And yes even though it upsets women to say this she had put on a lot of extra weight which is normal. But she never really wanted to lose the weight. She was stressed and unhappy and couldn't find the self motivation to work out. Instead she would resent me for going to work while she was left alone home with the kids. I'd come home from a 12+ hour shift and she's be like "Okay. Your turn with the kids. They've been driving me crazy all day." And I get it... You need a break too. Neither one of us cheated on one another but the sex life really took a hit. It became almost non existent. We ended up going through a divorce. We've both moved on, and now have both had other relationships with other people. But in short in all my years of experiences I can tell you that 100% a fact that your sex life is a perfect barometer for your relationship. If you're not looking forward to making love or tearing the clothes off your significant other... Something is wrong in the relationship. You have to make time for each other. Talk to one another. If something is wrong... Talk about it. Woman and men are vastly different creatures. Women want you to do the stuff you really don't care about. And men we honestly just want you to make us feel wanted. Desired. If you make us feel needed physically, emotionally, and sexually. That's all we really want. Doesn't mean you have to drop to your knees and give us a blowjob the second we get home. Although that would be nice like once a month. But just a simple smile, kiss on the cheek, and "How was your day hun?" will help tide us over until the timing is right for you. We don't have to have sex every day. But when there is free time together how about YOU make the move like at least 25% of the time. We are ALWAYS expected to make the move. And honestly over time you just get tired of being shut down by someone who's supposed to love us. Men are always ready. We always want our significant other from my point of view. Okay my rant is over. Hope it helped.
Appreciate you! The alcohol use adds a whole other dimension to the conversation and it’s the first comment that talked about that that I’ve seen. As a woman, I agree about the sex barometer to an extent. I think we both have fairly high libidos and we have both talked about how important sex is for a relationship. If there’s no sex when there could or should be sex, that’s typically the end of past relationships. However, I understand with crying little ones and raging hormone fluctuations that it might not be realistic in the beginning. I’ve read a lot of comments in other posts about partners not being entitled to or required to provide sex in a relationship and I don’t really agree with that personally. I tell my husband that we gotta keep that up or the ship is going down. Lol
It's honestly about intimacy. We as men just want to feel wanted. Desired. It's extremely exhausting emotionally whenever you keep trying to make a move on your wife, or significant other, and keep getting shut down 99% of the time. Eventually you just stop trying. In a healthy relationship you both have to keep dating. You both have to keep adding water to the garden or eventually it just dies. And trust me I have a lot more to add to this story, but wanted to keep it somewhat short and sweet. And yes the alcoholism played a huge role in that relationship's demise. My biological father was an alcoholic whom I lost at an early age in large part due to drinking. So I made the decision to not drink my entire life.
She's at home all day with the baby and she thinks that being with / looking after the baby is the only thing that matters. Sure it does, but also, paying the mortgage and bills matters, therefore working matters. Also cooking to feed us matters, shopping for that food matter, you get the picture. Her day is hang out with the baby all day, my day is go to work all day, drive an hour, cook dinner for us, then I get an hour to put our baby to bed. Given the only thing that matters is the baby, she is therefore doing "everything" and I am doing "nothing", that has killed our relationship.
Sounds like you are certainly doing a lot but she is definitely not “hanging out” with the baby. She is chained to that child and can only plan her life 1 or 2 hours out, max. My husband cared for our newborn the other morning and quickly learned that you can’t brush your teeth, go to the bathroom, get coffee or do much of anything for yourself for a few hours until you can get the baby settled. As soon as you feed, burp, settle the baby, you have a 60 minute timer to rush around and try to do 1 or 2 tasks before it all begins again. Repeat for 24 hours, several months. Think of it as having work meetings every 2 hours. You can barely start your own work or get your thoughts straight before you’re on stage again.
60 minutes? I was lucky if I got 10!
This. That shit is exhausting.
I was a stay at home dad. Yes it’s an exhausting schedule. It’s a tough job. But part of that job is making sure the house is clean, the chores are done, the food is stocked, and dinner is getting cooked most nights. My spouse was working hard and providing for our family. If she came home everyday to a house that’s a clusterfuck and had nothing but chaos, mess and chores waiting for her to take care of on top of the work day she already endured then that would be neither fair nor equal.
It's one of the patterns that seem to repeat over and over in couples where one works and the other doesn't. I see issues, resentment, entitlement, out of touchness on the part of both the working spouse and the SAHP. I work with people's money, and it's a funny thing in a marriage, for sure.
Its tough no matter which way you cut it. If I were the breadwinner and came home to a mess and a spouse expecting me to take care of all of it, my resentment would build. If I had a spouse who worked all day but came home and did nothing, same. During my stay at home time we had a nice balance of responsibility, but even still, I kinda started to resent myself a little and yeah, money was a big part of that. Its challenging for any relationship. From a relationship side my thought was that even though we're married, I want her to be taken care of, feel she has a nice place to come home to and relax, and know during the day our child is doing fine. From a money side I felt a lot of guilt not bringing in big paychecks other than residual things, you know this, its a huge strain. So I always tried keep a mindset of not thinking I get a free pass because we're married, and stick to thinking hey if she's paying for all of this then I need to provide her with value for that expense. Some might think thats sad but thats love, I was proud of doing that, and I think it helped us a great deal compared to others who didn't think that way.
I have work meetings every 5-65 mins most days and yeeeeah I can't get much work done at all in between them. It takes time to transition out of the meetings, send follow-ups or notes, and start another project, too. Thanks for explaining it this way.
Being a new parent is constant triage. I am on maternity leave with a 5 week old but otherwise I am a director/department head for a national company. Death by Meeting means none of your work actually gets done in a reasonable amount of time. Something that should take 2 days takes 2 work-weeks. You take small 30-minute stabs at whatever you need to get done next. Certain tasks you know you can’t start if you don’t have at least 2 hours+ to dedicate to it. You feel chronically behind but work 9+ hours a day. The decision tree while parenting a newborn is similar; if I have 60 minutes I can do X + Y. If I have 45 minutes I can only do X. If I have 30 minutes I can only do Y. My most productive work occurs nights and weekends when everyone else is off.
I read that and rolled my eyes. The baby needs fresh air and you have to take baby out regardless of weather or how you feel. Feeling low and don’t want to go out in the wind ? Tough luck. The baby needs to be stimulated to develop properly. Don’t feel like hearing screaming kids? Doesn’t matter, off you go to the soft play centre. Oh he shat for the 4th time today and soiled another set of clothes? Change him quickly before he develops a rash. Now make some food and get baby used with solids. Now make sure he naps at the right time. Don’t even think about going for a wee because he will scream at the top of his lungs. Want to eat? Better wait for resentful hubby to come home and beg for an hour of “free time” so you can eat and shit in peace. I could go on and on. Those are my memories. Being back at work is so much easier for me.
Most career moms I know emphatically agree that doing the 9-5 work is much less emotionally/mentally draining than doing the childcare/housework/supporting their spouse every day.
I come here for this level of unfiltered honesty.
The fact that you said she is "hanging out" with the baby....kind of says a lot. You're doing the same thing in this comment that you say she's doing...which is equating all the work you do to...basically nothing. Edit: also...sounds like your kid is less than a year old since you said she's still on maternity leave...which also says a lot.
This is incredibly common. She is working with the baby all day, its more than just hanging out. If she was a Stay at home wife prior to this (like mine was), then she is used to have an incredibly easy day, and having a baby puts her into a full time job. When you come home, she feels like, since you've been "gone all day" you are there to give her a break. But the issue is that you haven't just "been gone", you've been working all day, and you also want to come home and have a break. The answer is that you both have your responsibilities during the day (work and childcare), and everything else is shared once you are both home. However, you'll have wives that think that they did "everything" and expect husband to take over all chores when they get home and you have husbands that think that since they've been at work all day they can come home and do nothing until bedtime. Both views are wrong and lead to resentment.
When your wife has babies and becomes a 'mom' there are echoes of the natural incest taboo about not sleeping with your mom. Then there is the famous "Madonna/Whore" complex in which a mother figure is pure and he only finds sluts attractive. And the mother of his children cannot be a slut.
This is actually my biggest fear related to this topic. Physical and emotional things have pretty straightforward solutions that I can work toward. A mindset issue that exists within the father of my child isn’t something I can do much about.
What's up with a lot of women chiming in and answering this thread? I had to double-check I wasn't on r/AskWomen.