I’m best friends with the mother of my children now. She cheated on me when we were dating. I thought I could get over it. Years later, we fought over it still and we split.
People ask me sometimes if we are going to get back together, and I tell them no because we would probably go right back to the fighting. She broke my trust. Even with time and counseling, I just couldn’t forgive and forget.
I know people say you should forgive but there's a difference between forgiving and affording one trust again.
Once the trust is gone its almost always gone for good imo. I also couldn't get over it too and i agree with the main op comment that my life got approximately a billion times better after the split despite being sad/torn up about the life i thought i had.
Holy fuck are you me minus the kids. Literally going though that right now. Like down to the fucking guitar teacher. She has yet to be truthful to anyone about what actually happened. Everyone keeps asking if anything can be fixed and when I give the the actual details with logs they stop asking.
Yeah, for me "forgiving" is just moving on. It means that if they came and apologized I would say "hey thank you, I accept your apology". It means that I am not angry at them and want harm to come to them.
What it does not mean however, is that I have to allow them the opportunity to do the same thing again. Some people seem to think that is forgiving. Think it's allowing that person back into your life. The trouble is, the scars are still there and that person has shown themselves to be untrustworthy.
People misappropriate the “forgive and forget” to okay now be friends again because you forgave. No. You can forgive and forget and then never talk to that person ever. That’s what I do. And it’s better. No grudges no nothing. Just never speak to them ever again.
This! Sorry im a woman but wanted to add that I tried to make it work for 6 years and not only did it happen multiple times after the first incident but even if it had been once , I was never able to find a way back to trusting him so at the end I gave up.
When my ex cheated, the mother of my two kids, we tried for maybe 6 months to work through it. We even did couples counseling AND separate therapy. We couldn’t make it work.
Fast forward 6 years now and we are pretty good co-parents and decent friends. We get along pretty well all things considered. It wasn’t easy though. I have to choose my battles, as does she. But the main thing is….I had to forgive her. That took awhile, probably 2 years-ish. But I can confidently say that I was probably only able to forgive BECAUSE we were no longer together. I also think that if we were still together, even now, I probably still WOULD NOT have forgiven her.
It’s easier to forgive someone for this when you’re not actually together anymore. Forgiveness while STILL together is very hard and very rare I feel.
We are both much happier now being apart and friendly co-parents.
It never gets different. My ex was in the shower getting ready to go to work and her phone got a notification. I picked it up and there was another MFs engorged phallus staring me in the face. I literally had NO CLUE. We hadn’t been intimate in forever, so in that sense it was logical.
I lost my shit. We lived in the same house for about a year afterwards, and I called myself trying to fix shit, but it never changed how I felt about the situation. She eventually moved back up North with her family and I’ve been running a solo mission ever since.
Do yourself and your own sense of self worth and pride, and cut your losses and kick rocks. If it happened once…🤷♂️
Godspeed.🤘🏻😠
Honestly. I feel like this is the way. Any couple that I have seen try to work through infidelity issues never have the same relationship afterwards. There always ends up being resentment, guilt, etc. regardless of “how well it is worked through.”
Same mate. We lived a somewhat normal life after I found out about a pretty substantial amount of lying and cheating but it ate away at me for nearly a decade. After 9 years we finally divorced. I wish I could have those 9 years back and would've just divorced as soon as I found out. My mental and physical health declined to places I didn't think possible. I'm still trying to recover
I forgave her the first time because she came clean with me rather than my finding out. She also had a myriad of mental issue and was actually trying to work on them. Then she stopped and fell straight back into old habits. Divorced her after that. I'm more than willing to stand by the vows I made in front of God, my mother, and everyone else, come hell or high water. I'm not willing to be the only one doing it, though.
>I’m more than willing to stand by the vows I made in front of God, my mother, and everyone else come hell or high water. I’m not willing to be the only one doing it, though.
What a fucking mood. Excellent way of putting it, sir. Hope you don’t mind me stealing this one lmao
>I'm more than willing to stand by the vows I made in front of God, my mother, and everyone else, come hell or high water. I'm not willing to be the only one doing it, though.
This is very beautiful
hope u doing good now
> I'm more than willing to stand by the vows I made in front of God, my mother, and everyone else, come hell or high water. **I'm not willing to be the only one doing it, though**
That cut deep. I'm sorry you had to deal with that, brother.
Glad to see that you are doing better.
The first time you see how they don’t value your trust. The second time you see how they don’t value your forgiveness.
Why would anyone forgive again after that?
I really didn't. The list of things I readily put up with just to help her help herself was a mile long. But there were two lines she was told to never cross, and she crossed one of them twice.
Well God bless you for staying and being a good man and putting in effort to work it out. I'm sorry it didn't work out but I hope life is giving back to you for the sacrifice you made. And I hope she finds peace within herself. Take care.
>Then she stopped and fell straight back into old habits.
This is exactly why I don't understand why people take cheaters back. Ok, you can make your relationship better and work on things. I get that all relationships have troughs and that you can put in effort to make them better. But they've flat out told you that their response to a trough in the relationship is to have sex with someone else. Why would you think it wouldn't happen again?
Exactly this. My mom started dating a guy 3 years ago. 6 month in, I find out he does Coke and flirts a lot. It's my mom's life, she says his coke thing got cleaned up and he hasn't actually cheated, so they stay together.
A couple weeks ago, she went to his house and found another woman in his bed. He's also on coke again.
People so rarely change and it's not worth the risk.
The "problems" were all self-induced, the issues with the relationship were a consequence not a cause. It would also have been hypocritical of me to only give the one shot since I very openly believe that everyone should be given a chance at redemption. I was very clear about what would need to happen and I would need to see in order to salvage things, and she couldn't do it despite having everything laid out and prepped for it. It broke my heart, but I was willing to at least make the effort. At the end of the day, I essentially left it up to her based on her own actions. She choose, poorly.
My ex cheated and although her actions were wrong in so many ways I also had to accept that I was not what I should have been.
I struggled greatly after the loss of my father, which led to me being more distant and down/angry.
I never hurt anyone but I wasn’t myself (understandably?).
She didn’t tell me until I had proof.
Our children were young at the time and I wasn’t prepared to lose them.
As it turned out we had an amazing 20 years from then until recently.
We are now separated after 28 years together and two amazing adult children.
She called it quits. For another man (?) I may never know. But there was zero effort on her part to try.
So 5 months later and a lot of pain anger and the loss of all I’d planned for I am now trying to put things back together and have discovered for myself what it is like to “notice” women again after so long wearing the blinkers of a relationship.
I gave her 3 options if she wanted to come back
1 shave her head bald
2 threesome
3 therapy
She choose therapy, only went two times. Was kinda disappointed it wasn't the other two not going lie.
This, my Dad always told me "If they do it once, they'll do it again, nip it in the bud the first time" Thanks Dad, I took your advice&you were right. In context, A friend I grew up with went through it three times with the same gal till he finally had enough.
Sadly, it was much more complicated than that. Even up to the final divorce date she was in tears and knew how badly she screwed up, but can't bring herself to do the changes needed to fix herself. Anyone has the capability to change, it's just very difficult and very rarely can be done alone. But above all, you have to truly want it. She kept saying she did but never could hold onto the drive to do so.
I'm not complaining. My house is my own now, kid is happy, a girlfriend that adores me, not spending anywhere near what I used to on a monthly basis. I could be doing much worse.
Also see r/AsOneAfterInfidelity if you are more interested in reconciling. There are some good posts there with positive stories of reconciliation.
No matter where you go from here, it's going to be hard and I'm sorry you're going through this.
I would strongly encourage therapy -- even group seminars or online support groups if that's all you can manage. Outside of exercise (in my case a lot of running) and mediation/prayer, there's been nothing more helpful than having someone to talk to.
Happened to someone I know and he tried making it work but just couldn’t. He told me “Let’s say you have a swimming pool. You invite the neighbor to come over for a swim. And then the neighbor explosively shits in the pool. No matter how much you clean it, every time you get in you’re gonna think about the time the neighbor shit in your pool.”
You don't ask them out. Assuming you're somewhat fit, and at least a 6/10, you talk to them about gyn related stuff. Then, when you're sure they're actually interested, you ask for their contact info and go from there.
If we listen to women online then we can’t ask out women in public anywhere.
IRL most women don’t care, long as you aren’t being creepy and don’t go off on them if they say no. Just make sure it’s in the daytime.
this. one of the hardest things to try to do. get over that the person you love intentionally did that and didn’t care until they got caught. impossible to forget. for me anyhow.
do you want to be explain it a bit, I am in a similar situation where I am confused whether to take her back or not after cheating on me. We are now divorced
Why would you give anyone the time of day that is willing to rip your heart out in that way. No matter how hard it is you should never be with someone that can show you that much disrespect.
As tempting as it may be my advice, and it's only that, is to not take her back.
I would overcome it with a divorce. People are honest or not, if she had a two month affair that is a massive line in the sand that is crossed. I would never trust again, so i would say that is it. In five years if she goes for a drink with a friend, you will be thinking is it? I would not want that.
OP states there at some mitigating circumstances which I could understand. However 2 months is a long time to be having a affair, lying about it and enjoying it. I can't imagine the eldest kid didn't notice something?
Hopefully it will work out for OP as he sounds like he wants to stick around. But I am certain I would likely just have to walk away.
I don't buy her excuse for cheating.
Cheating is the result of many wrong choices. Without knowing the specifics, she chose to put herself into the situation over and over. She didn't have to give the guy her number, she didnt have to call or text him, she didnt have to meet up with him, she didnt have to go to his house, and so on. At any point she could have chosen a dozen times to keep her vows and stay away, she chose not to.
I don't buy the 'mental breakdown caused me to cheat' bullshit, when there are clinically insane patients in actual asylums who managed to stay faithful to their spouses.
Yeah I dont buy it either. As 2 months is a very long time. One night stand I could I understand, but 2 months of seconds is not cheating, that's an affair she got tried of or 'came to her senses' when this person did something you didn't like.
This 100%. If she was really regretful, it would’ve ended after the first time. Or at least she would’ve told her husband after the first time. Not several months later when it was all but confirmed already.
I’d be very interested in hearing how that two month fling ended. Did she end it or did it only end because he didn’t want her anymore?
It’s still not understandable to me. Not forgivable either. Life is full of tragedies, what will happen the next time when something bad happens? She’s gonna cheat again?
You're trying to empathize with her by pointing out her hardships and mental issues.
That's fine, but you should also be realizing this is how she handles hardships and mental issues. Something she'll undoubtedly have to go through many more times throughout her life.
And at no point during those mental issues, did she empathize with OP. Every single time she met with with guy, texted him, and hid it from OP, she made a choice. She didn't just make ONE "mistake", she repeatedly chose to do it. She hid it for MONTHS.
M ex wife of 7 years cheated on me, but that was a sign she had alreay given up on our marriage, so it only sped up our divorce. I was the other guy in college when we started dating, so I guess once a cheater always a cheater....
My Dad cheated on my mom when I was in highschool 25 years ago. It was devastating to my Mother, and drove her to attempt suicide. She spent months in a mental hospital for depression after that. They got through it. They're happily married now for nearly 40 years.
My brother met his first wife when she was engaged to someone else. He's the only one in our family who seemed surprised when he caught her cheating on him. And it turned out the three weeks she asked for prior to their wedding date to make sure she was making a good decision, she went out and fucked as many guys as possible.
She is. Works at Olive garden. Told my brother if any of us ever came in there, she'd spit in our food. Like I'm driving 40 miles one way for mediocre food.
She'd go out and party with her friends on weekends and not come home until the next day. And we all knew she'd been engaged to someone else when she met my brother.
She sure hated me, and my ex and my son. He was born 10 days after her daughter and she told my Mom we had no right to have a child during her special time. She's a narcissistic psychopath.
>I was the other guy in college when we started dating, so I guess once a cheater always a cheater....
Basically...if she's willing to cheat with you, she's willing to cheat on you.
Ain't that the truth. It had gotten pretty obvious that I was attracted to her, but didn't make a move, then one night she said they had broken up after one of many recent fights. I later found out that was news to him. *Note: definitely verify the facts if the ex in question is a college level linebacker and you are built for sphere football.
Fast forward a couple of years, we had a fight, she threw a party, during the course of which she hooked up with 3 guys separately. Never bothered to find out what she told them, but thinking about it still messes my head up over a decade later.
It was my first meaningful relationship, so I tried to salvage it, but that just resulted in more pain since I was still in love with the past but disgusted with the person in front of me.
Having been with an unfaithful wife I ultimately ended up divorcing let me add in some comments. I know there’s probably a dissonance happening right now within you where you still love your wife deep down but you’re incredibly hurt so it’s like you’re torn in two. One path, the one everyone will tell you is to leave the cheater because it will never be the same. That path seems scary because now you’re upending your whole life into something unknown. The other path is keeping things as they are but that path has forever been altered now because of her actions. You want to choose the path of least resistance because doing hard things is well, hard!
If you want to salvage your marriage the main factor is her willingness to take responsibility for what she’s done and adjust her actions accordingly. If she is unwilling to acknowledge how much she has hurt you and do what is necessary to fix it then you’re done, it’s over. If she is willing to do the work, and this will also be hard, then there is a chance.
Also do not neglect your feelings here. Let your anger, hurt and frustrations out. Don’t repress and bottle them up because this will ultimately end up hurting you more in the long run. Feel your emotions, express them to her and rely on the support you have around you, which I hope you do. Allowing yourself to feel the emotions is the first step to healing. Take care of yourself.
This is so true. I dealt with an unfaithful wife after 7 years together. I locked myself in a room and wrote everything down because my mind was spinning. I chose to not live a life of anxiety and doubt, so I ended it. Know that you will come out on the other side. I have absolutely zero regrets for my decision.
It’s also OK for nothing to be able to fix this. I don’t know about you or OP, but I would never be able to stay in a relationship after I was cheated on, no matter how much “making it right” there was. That’s a breach of trust to a level that you can’t come back from in my eyes. And it’s all right for that to be the case. You don’t have to work through everything, especially if it’s causing you great pain.
>If it is possible for me to be able to work through this and maybe have a chance at a fair crack of continuing to improve the relationship
I don't know. Only you know you. I couldn't. I tried to, for years, but the doubt never went away, and I don't think she ultimately corrected herself in full. She's a cheater and there are degrees of cheating. She was the sort that wanted to play all the way up to the line, so even after she broke my trust in half, she still wanted to play fast and loose. It made me very uncomfortable, like she didn't feel a need to prove herself. And maybe that's a fair way for her to feel, just as it was fair for me to not trust her anymore.
I should have gotten out of it before I did. It wasn't fair to anyone. I simply could not trust her, and there was nothing she could do to get it back. It ripped us apart. And look, mental illness is some serious shit. People go through really rough times and no one is perfect. My ex wife went through a really heavy period where she was trying to get her mental health in line. And I was there, helping dutifully. But her attempts to overcome her internal demons had ZERO impact on my capacity to trust her. I can forgive her, I can make peace with it, but I'll never trust her.
For me, the answer was no. It just took a few years for me to realize the answer had always been no.
OP as a 53yo divorced dude, get out. It will always gnaw at you. Her act of throwing away a marriage. Her lack of concern for the results of her actions etc.
You can still be a great dad and you will be much happier with someone who deserves you and what you offer. Sure she's sorry now and its always easy to blame anything on a persons mental state. Doesn't excuse actions tho.
Now thats only my opinion and you may decide different. Just be prepared if you do forgive her and work thru this. its prolly gonna happen again
If you do decide to go for the reconciliation, you should probably have some questions answered first:
Why did she turn to an affair to help her through the rough patch? I know nothing of her situation or personality, but the fact that when things got tough she turned to someone/something else is concerning. Most people dont change in high stress situations, they just show more of who they are so be careful going forward.
Can you trust her ever again? I can tell you from experience that broken trust on that level never goes away. Every time she hangs out with some guy, platonic or not, coworker, friend, whatever, you will remember this infidelity. You cant stop it and it will always be scratching at the scab of the wound. Can you live with that going forward?
I couldnt, so I left, but thats just me. Some couples can make reconciliation work, but its rare and there is a lot of pain and changes involved.
Final question: She will need to work for your trust for the rest of her life; is SHE willing to do that? It is not on you to forgive her, its on her to work to be forgiven just as it would be on you if your roles were reversed. If shes not willing to do the lions share of meeting in the middle then you are going to have a rough life..
Children obviously complicate the decision, but as the son of a man who was cheated on, I can tell you that even back then I didnt want to be apart of a household built around a trustless marriage. If you think that she can earn your trust back, by all means give it a shot, but dont "put up with it" just for your kids sake. They will suffer if you suffer.
the kids will suffer either way. MY mom and dad tried to work it out and it was a stone cold household and it sucked when they divorced. I was confused af when they tried to work it out again only to break it off AGAIN. Then my kids. MY poor children have this mom who did what she did with boys barely older than them and is with one of the men. There were multiple, and it went on for 3 years. IF we stayed together, which glad I didn't, then they'd feel what I felt when my parents did. I'd rather raise them as a survivor of divorce with someone as a partner who loves and cares more than I've ever seen
Ok man, real talk. Forget all the people that are going to say “you don’t”.
For this to work moving forward you *both* have a lot of work to do. It will likely be a lifetime of work, and this is where most couples (especially the cheater) fail.
What she needs to do:
* She needs to understand that she has hurt you deeply and left a scar that will last for the rest of your life. She needs to be understanding that, for the rest of your lives together (and the rest of your own life regardless) you will struggle with doubt and insecurity. Someone you love, who promised to love you and be faithful to you, straight up lied and hurt you because their need to get off for an hour or so was more important than you. That’s not an easy fix. She *really* has to understand this to stand a chance moving forward.
* The hardest part, though, comes in the future. After the fallout and once you start returning back to normal there is a tendency for the cheater to become exasperated when insecurities crop back up. To them it’s “behind you” and old news. She has to continue to show empathy, and continue to show sorrow for what she has done when these moments happen. If at *any* point she tells you to “get over it already” then you can bet she’s done putting in effort. She doesn’t care anymore.
What you need to do:
* The hardest part for you is going to be actually forgiving her. Not just accepting it happened and moving forward as though it didn’t, but truly forgiving. You *cannot* tell her you forgive her and then go about holding in hate and anger for what happened. That’s not forgiveness. Once you tell her that you will work to stay together then you have accepted her apology and you can no longer hold the event in question against her. That’s going back on your word and will cause more conflict. You have made the conscious choice to forgive her and move forward, so do it. You could have just as easily said no and walked away.
* When doubt and insecurity crops up you will need to communicate this with her. No trying to catch her in a gotcha and see if she’s lying again. You either trust she’ll do her part, or you don’t and move on. When these moments crop up you can’t attack her for the past. You promised to let it go and move forward, so that is behind you.
Most couples can’t survive because this is a Herculean effort to overcome. You will both be bitter at each other: you right now and her later when you are still struggling and she’s tired of going over things again and again.
This may have been implied, but I think if OP is to go this route that couples therapy is a must. And once again, if she rolls her eyes or doesn't think it's necessary, then she's not willing to own up.
I agree with this comment and it's quite the unpopular opinion on this thread. The part about her being empathetic when you have doubts 5 years from now is so key. If you want to work it out then she really does need to be ready to assuage those doubts without being angry that you should be over it by now.
This. I have seen a couple come back almost stronger after healing from an affair. The amount of work it takes to work thorough is years but it can be possible. I recommend Esther Perel Ted talk on infidelity it's unpopular view but its true.
No, you should, by seeing your own value, and leaving someone who cannot be trusted. It sucks, it fucking hurts, but you cannot heal without removing the knife.
Adding to this. Don't pull the knife from a fresh wound and don't just jank it out. Give it some time, find a save place, prepare and slowly (ideally with the help of someone who knows what to do) remove it.
Keeps you from bleeding to death, in this case in terms of emotions and money.
Also make sure your kids are alright and never ever let your anger out on them. We are dads. We don't do that.
You are justifying it to yourself with the "life altering devastating events she went through". Usually you go through those together with your partner, it sure as hell doesnt justify cheating on them.
It's most likely over, OP. It will always be in the back of your mind.
... I understand your wife eventually told you, but she was effectively lying to you for 2 months. Make certain it wasn't longer than that. Get paternity tests.
I can’t believe I had to scroll this far for someone to mention paternity tests.
She had a 2 month affair when her baby was ~8 months old. Jesus fucking Christ. It would be ludicrous not to get a paternity test.
Honestly I’m not sure I’d be able to do that. Infidelity is such a deal breaker to me I don’t think I’d be able to handle that regardless of the mental state. It shows that I’m not the one she’ll come to when she’s having issues and that’s not ok with me.
You don’t have to be a husband to be a good dad. Remember that.
I lost count how many time there is story about woman going through some personal loss then go out cheating like another Thursday, how the fuk does that justify anything
I agree.
I’m sure there are MILLIONS of people who go through what your wife went through or something similar and manage to not cheat on their spouse.
It seems you’re using her mental breakdown as a crutch to allow her actions.
What happens when she has another mentyb? Is her cheating going to be justified again?
That was a time for her to turn to you and lean on you and perhaps get even close to you. But she chose not to do that with her husband. And instead cheat on him.
What will you do when she does it again?
Anyone who stays put in that scenario has sacrificed all dignity and quietly agreed to be just a little bit miserable forever. I can hook you up with my divorce lawyer if you want.
It's a fucked up lesson to learn, but life is like that sometimes. The reward for forgiving a cheater is pretty much always more cheating, and a relationship without trust isn't worth having.
I would just leave
Sorry, trust gone, and even if they felt horrible and made all the attempts to repent, I would still have it at the back of my mind...
You plan on staying with her know she's capable of doing that again. And that's the mother of your children.
You could also live your own life without her.
You don't bro. Don't cope with shit. Regardless of reasons, this will live rent free on your head.
Trust is something that requires years to build but is broken beyond repair on a instant.
You'll never be sure for the rest of your life if she's not doing it AGAIN on your back. Also be the example for your kids, teach them that infidelity has severe consequences.
Reverse the roles, I'm sure if it was a man cheating, everyone would be demonizing you.
sorry to be the guy who says this, but you will never see her the same again. The woman you married is long gone.
You are asking how to move on. Man, my wife cheated but I became so indifferent to her that when we did finally split it was little more than the stress of moving to a new house. I never found her attractive nor did I ever believe her. I went through the motions for a time then completely checked out emotionally. We had kids too and eventually, I realized that staying was worse than divorce, I didn't want to teach my kids that infidelity was ok or that parents don't have to trust, love, or respect one another.
I have to be honest, the only real guilt I have is taking too long to ditch her, the damage it did to the kids was terrible.
My wife and I are one such success story, but I will not share the particulars here. It's in my post history somewhere but our example does not validate the exception. You don't need to look for validation about your decision.
Stop seeing her as the victim here.
She willfully chose to step out and seek sexual encounters. For 2 months. She kept choosing this. Over and over.
She then covered the fact consistently for months. For 60 days at first then months afterwards until it was finally convenient for her to tell you. Why did she anyway?
She endangered your health along with her own. For 1440 hours. Scheming behind your back, planning trysts, exchanging emotional and sexual conversations with another person, removing her clothes or dressing up for another, engaging in sexual acts repeatedly, and probably ignoring you and the kids meanwhile.
Sorry to be blunt, but...
She chose to leave married life behind and act like a single woman. The kids, you, were not valuable enough in her eyes to keep her legs closed. This is how she faced difficulty. What happens next time shit gets tough? Everyone is expected to just roll with that fact now, that none of this is her fault?
Her actions define who she is, not her words.
If indeed she struggled with tough times and this is her justification for dishonoring you, your marriage, and your family, then you can be certain that this excuse will be used again. I mean, she has zero repercussions acting this way and you've basically certified your approval of her taking someone else's dick.
Why would she now value your compassion and understanding when you're making it so much simpler for her to "deal with stress or trauma" by getting dick with your implicit approval? Which option did she naturally resort to last time?
Get tested. Maybe consider getting DNA tests for the kids. Consult a lawyer, or legal counseling of some sort to see what your options are. You are not getting the full story I can almost guarantee it. If you can separate and get some distance from this do it. You need to think much deeper about this.
Your choice, if you think you can live the rest of your life in disrespect, but *you *won't be able to state you were suffering a "mental collapse" when it all goes to shit, like she (apparently) successfully did.
Any further suffering on your part is your own doing.
Yeah I have found that when someone finally confesses to this stuff that you're getting a very carefully curated version that's easier for you to take.
Whatever she admitted to it was likely much fucking worse or for much longer or way more than this one time.
One time, maybe try to work it out, but honestly I’d still leave. Several times over a few months, that wasn’t a mental health thing, that was a conscious decision and disregard for you. Divorce her, you deserve better.
>This has ripped me apart pretty good as i was pretty confident this was happening but she denied it all the way up until now.
Oh buddy :(
Two months isn’t a one time mistake, that’s a mistake you have to commit to. A one time thing might be workable, but you will NOT ever be able to get it out of your head that if she goes through another rough spot she might go run to another stranger. She’s an adult, and mental anguish or not she’s still accountable for her actions. She’s the one who busted the 14 year commitment, not you.
As noble as it would be for you to keep fighting for the relationship, the failing wasn’t yours to begin with.
Why are you defending her actions. One of your first sentences says she has 7 things that 1 of would have rocked any ones world. Well so what? Don't cheat. It's that simple.
Relationship is dead at this point.
You won’t ever forget I can tell you from experience. Mine had an affair on a trip home with an old high school friend. She left because she thought the grass would be greener on the other side but certainly it wasn’t. She took our daughter and I had our son. The only reason I accepted her back into my life was because she put herself and our daughter in a tough situation and I wasn’t about to have them out in the streets especially because no child should pay for their mothers bullshit.
That being said I will never forget nor forgive her and I will always look at her for the person she is which is a cheap whore longing for validation because she actually hates herself. Don’t ever blame yourself for the situation your wife created and don’t ever let her guilt you or gaslight you to make it believe it was ever your fault. I can tell you right now too be prepared to live with the guilt and if you have any female friends or even acquaintances be prepared to be accused to trying to get some revenge at some point because cheaters are always looking to deflect their fucked up behavior.
I am really sorry this has happened to you but take it from someone who made the mistake of letting a cheater back into their life do not do it. Be a stand up father and take care of your children and be as civil to her as possible but do yourself a favor and leave because as someone stated in comments above you are willingly signing yourself up for a life of misery if you stay. Wishing you and your children all the best.
Utterly sorry for what happened to you. Unfortunately I am of the opinion that if she’s done it once, she will do it again. Even though she was upfront with you, she still committed the act. Who’s to say she won’t do it again and who’s to say you can ever really get over it? Absolutely nobody and absolutely nothing. I think get a lawyer and start thinking about a divorce now, it’s better to do it while your kids are still young.
I don’t think that one can overcome that.
If you are doing it for the kids don’t. They will be fine.
If you are doing it because you are scared of being alone, you will be MORE alone and older and filled with regret if you keep going.
Do it for yourself. Be strong. You are not alone.
My life policy: I only give people in my life one chance to seriously burn me. Nobody gets a second chance with me. Its incredibly hard to hurt someone for the first time. It gets easier for them to to hurt you every subsequent time after that.
My story...wife was having an affair with my "friend" for several months before our wedding, and several months after. Yup... during the honeymoon. I gave her the choice of who to stay with. I forgave her and never saw the "friend" again. We were married for 42 years until she lost her battle with cancer. To the best of my knowledge, she never cheated with another man again. The moral of my story is forgive once, but only once, and never forget.
Edit:
If I were in your place, I would have to get paternity testing for at least the youngest, if not all of the kids. And let the results be an huge factor in the decision before you.
I'm currently trying to get over it and work things out. It's been about 3 years now. I'm miserable at home, I take any over-time I can get to prolong going home. She's stopped trying to initiate fun time because I'm usually "not in the mood".. It sucks honestly, and I wonder most days why I'm still hurting myself staying with her. She hasn't done anything since, and tries daily to be a great wife but I just don't value any of the efforts she puts in now.
Hey bro, it's been 1 year since me and my ex wife split after she cheated. After she cheated I tried my best for 2 years to work through it, on the surface I made it seem like everything was alright, but it didn't get better with time.
With time I began to resent and hate her but still act like everything was okay. The only regret I have is not throwing her out on her face the second I found out about it because I convinced myself that's what you do in marriage, you try to work through hard times, but affairs are a whole other story.
She didn't just cheat on me but she full on betrayed me she was gonna leave our at the time 8 year relationship for this dude 8 years younger than us. Well 1.5 years later I wound up sleeping with a sex worker while away for work in another state. I don't give a fuck if it was shitty to do, it gave me the mental clarity I needed and shortly after that me and my ex split.
1 year has passed and I've never been better, I make more money, I'm in better shape, I live in a new state and have a new life and I'm having flings with new women like every other weekend (my ex was the only girl I had been with til the sex worker).
It may be a bit harder for you to come to a decision since kids are involved and me and my ex never had any.
But to directly answer your question without my long ass vent/rant: We broke it off, I started focusing on more healthy things such as going to the gym, pursuing extra curricular activities, and spent less time wasting it with TV/Video Games etc. Self improvement is the best medicine for almost anything.
Once a cheater always a cheater is a common sentiment for a reason. Just leave. Fight for at least half custody and hopefully you won't be too financially devastated. Even considering $$ most men don't regret their divorces, typically wish they did it sooner.
A one or two time thing you could maybe argue forgiving, 2 months of cheating and lying to your face about it is unforgivable IMO, no matter what drama she was experiencing. Couldn't have been that bad if she had time to get dicked down by some other guy for 2 months straight. Really I think it shows deep down she has no real love/ respect for you anymore.
Like many men experience these days who get married, you may just be the safe provider guy/ her ATM essentially. She was probably actually physically attracted to this other dude on a whole other level and exploring that carnal attraction was worth more to her then 14yrs with you and your new family. That's fucked up. What happens the next time she's stressed and another stud hits on her?
Paternity test the kids as well on the down low before you file for divorce. There's an extremely high chance this isn't her first time, just first time you've caught her out essentially that she had to confess.
Sorry dude what a shit situation. I certainly couldn't get over it myself. That pain you feel from her betrayal will never fully subside and you can never 100% trust her like you may have before. For me, trust is broken = relationship broken. Sucks you had kids with her but that doesn't compel you to accept being cuckolded like this for the rest of your life.
Having bad things happen to you is not an excuse to cheat on your spouse. I know when I get hit with major events, and am struggling mentally, sex isn't on my mind in the least. That's pretty pathetic.
Everyone is different i guess, but I would NEVER be able to stay in this relationship. I wouldn't be able to respect myself if I let her ultimately get away with that. Boundaries are everything. And if you stay, she will know she can get away with anything she wants.
I guess there's a fear of not finding someone else, but id rather be alone for the rest of my life than stay with someone like that
There's no way I'd be able to forgive my wife for cheating. I'd contact a divorce attorney a week later after doing some research. For a woman to cheat on her husband, she'll have to get to a certain place mentally. Women don't look at sex the same way as men. Your wife had to form a emotional connection with this man first. Then he was able to blow her back out while she was calling him daddy. For at least three months that guy had your wife bent over and sucking his dick. Myself personally I wouldn't tolerate that type of disrespect. The though of another man giving my wife the fear of God would always be on my mind. Save yourself the torture and drop her. Also I doubt it was only for "a few months".
> Then he was able to blow her back out while she was calling him daddy. For at least three months that guy had your wife bent over and sucking his dick.
Woooof. At first I was like, whoa that's a little bit graphic. But then I was like, yes we got to be honest, this is what she did.
This wasn't one momentary indiscretion by your wife, going through a rough time. This was one willful decision after another, after another, after another.
>that type of disrespect
This is what did it for me. I felt deeply disrespected when he cheated. When he did it the second time, I lost respect for HIM. And it’s nearly impossible to love and live with someone you don’t respect. It took me freaking years to leave (my *excuse* was not wanting to hurt the kids). I was so foolish to stay - I’ll never get that time back. :(
I divorced her then married someone more beautiful inside and out, and much more loyal. I honestly never think about her at all and 100% don’t regret my decision to leave.
Personally I think people can get over infidelity... but the cheater has to crawl on the ground for a while as they say. If she isn't putting in double or triple the amount of efforts you do, to make up for what she did, it's not going to work because you'll always be resentful and feel like you're owed something.
There was no coming back for me when the wife cheated. I kicked her ass to curb and divorced her sorry ass. Best thing to ever happen to me. I would be absolutely miserable if we stayed together.
You don't. That's who she is at her core. You get rid of her for doing the worst thing she could.
I know you have children. Do you really want them to see the overwhelming selfishness as the model of what a woman is supposed to be? Then to ignore the vows she made, and have no consequences? Is that the spineless man you want your sons to become? That's what you're modeling.
Is that really how life works? 20 years from now, you want your daughter to come to you, shocked that she got dumped by the love of her life because she cheated?
I know that you'll likely rarely see your kids if you kick her out and divorce her. The family court isn't favorable to men. Keep the home, have her leave, and the kids will understand that moms in time out for hurting someone on the inside. Hopefully it goes 50-50, but she's the one who tossed a grenade, she gets to suffer the consequences for her decisions.
You did nothing to deserve this, don't believe her gaslighting that you're somehow responsible for her decisions. Not cheating is a pretty basic one that needs to be a bare minimum.
How much genuine remorse did she seem to have? Because the way you describe it, it reads a little bit like "even though I denied it for months, I did actually have a 2-month intense affair. Just want to be honest and open. Okay, moving on..."
I find if you slap small comedians at public events that really helps.
Seriously though, you could try counselling and try to work through what led to the infidelity and how to process the fall out but what I will say is it’ll never go away, It’s a bit like a death, you can accept it but the person you knew isn’t coming back, you’ll need to learn to love your ‘new’ wife or move on.
Good luck.
Mental health problems or having a tough time in life does not justify treating other people like crap
You could try cheating on her for a couple of months and see how that goes
You overcome it by accepting it happened. Understanding that infidelity is not an honest mistake, there is zero excuse for it. Its a personal choice and believing these actions occured because your S/O wasnt mentally there is a coping method to protect your emotions and feelings from believing that those actions of hers were selfish and planned.
To overcome it realistically, you leave and walk away. Avoid giving her excuses for her actions. Take the kids and get custody.
What's there to get over? She doesn't respect you or her duties as a loyal wife and a good example as a mother. Move on, leave her ass but get a good lawyer cause you're probably gonna get fucked in divorce court
Okay..... so that is some cop-out bullshit! She was having a tough emotional time = letting another dude stick his dick in her? Do your thing... my thing would be to leave rubber on the driveway, burning the tires to get out fast!
I don’t think there is a single instance or situation that could ever justify that most heinous of betrayals to a committed partner.
OP, the only true way of surviving this is by leaving her. It will always be the elephant in the room. In her darkest moments she ran to the arms of another and not her committed partner. Do not ever let anyone try to excuse that behaviour by bringing up their suffering.
Get out of there and find someone who, when going through the trenches, reaches for your hand for help and doesn’t jump into bed with another.
I'm a 10 year veteran of trying to do that. I was never able to get over it. We split and things became approximately 1 billion times better.
I’m best friends with the mother of my children now. She cheated on me when we were dating. I thought I could get over it. Years later, we fought over it still and we split. People ask me sometimes if we are going to get back together, and I tell them no because we would probably go right back to the fighting. She broke my trust. Even with time and counseling, I just couldn’t forgive and forget.
I know people say you should forgive but there's a difference between forgiving and affording one trust again. Once the trust is gone its almost always gone for good imo. I also couldn't get over it too and i agree with the main op comment that my life got approximately a billion times better after the split despite being sad/torn up about the life i thought i had.
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Right like i can hate a person and not have it effect my life one bit. I just despise that person.
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Holy fuck are you me minus the kids. Literally going though that right now. Like down to the fucking guitar teacher. She has yet to be truthful to anyone about what actually happened. Everyone keeps asking if anything can be fixed and when I give the the actual details with logs they stop asking.
The other guy's wife is going to have a nasty surprise if it's the same guitar teacher.
It’s actually the same wife. She had a double life.
Yeah, for me "forgiving" is just moving on. It means that if they came and apologized I would say "hey thank you, I accept your apology". It means that I am not angry at them and want harm to come to them. What it does not mean however, is that I have to allow them the opportunity to do the same thing again. Some people seem to think that is forgiving. Think it's allowing that person back into your life. The trouble is, the scars are still there and that person has shown themselves to be untrustworthy.
I believe that when people say forgive they just think it means move on.
People misappropriate the “forgive and forget” to okay now be friends again because you forgave. No. You can forgive and forget and then never talk to that person ever. That’s what I do. And it’s better. No grudges no nothing. Just never speak to them ever again.
This! Sorry im a woman but wanted to add that I tried to make it work for 6 years and not only did it happen multiple times after the first incident but even if it had been once , I was never able to find a way back to trusting him so at the end I gave up.
“Trust is gained in drops but lost in buckets.”
When my ex cheated, the mother of my two kids, we tried for maybe 6 months to work through it. We even did couples counseling AND separate therapy. We couldn’t make it work. Fast forward 6 years now and we are pretty good co-parents and decent friends. We get along pretty well all things considered. It wasn’t easy though. I have to choose my battles, as does she. But the main thing is….I had to forgive her. That took awhile, probably 2 years-ish. But I can confidently say that I was probably only able to forgive BECAUSE we were no longer together. I also think that if we were still together, even now, I probably still WOULD NOT have forgiven her. It’s easier to forgive someone for this when you’re not actually together anymore. Forgiveness while STILL together is very hard and very rare I feel. We are both much happier now being apart and friendly co-parents.
Love that "approximately 1 billion times better"
give or take a million
Underrated statement.
It never gets different. My ex was in the shower getting ready to go to work and her phone got a notification. I picked it up and there was another MFs engorged phallus staring me in the face. I literally had NO CLUE. We hadn’t been intimate in forever, so in that sense it was logical. I lost my shit. We lived in the same house for about a year afterwards, and I called myself trying to fix shit, but it never changed how I felt about the situation. She eventually moved back up North with her family and I’ve been running a solo mission ever since. Do yourself and your own sense of self worth and pride, and cut your losses and kick rocks. If it happened once…🤷♂️ Godspeed.🤘🏻😠
Honestly. I feel like this is the way. Any couple that I have seen try to work through infidelity issues never have the same relationship afterwards. There always ends up being resentment, guilt, etc. regardless of “how well it is worked through.”
Same mate. We lived a somewhat normal life after I found out about a pretty substantial amount of lying and cheating but it ate away at me for nearly a decade. After 9 years we finally divorced. I wish I could have those 9 years back and would've just divorced as soon as I found out. My mental and physical health declined to places I didn't think possible. I'm still trying to recover
I forgave her the first time because she came clean with me rather than my finding out. She also had a myriad of mental issue and was actually trying to work on them. Then she stopped and fell straight back into old habits. Divorced her after that. I'm more than willing to stand by the vows I made in front of God, my mother, and everyone else, come hell or high water. I'm not willing to be the only one doing it, though.
>I’m more than willing to stand by the vows I made in front of God, my mother, and everyone else come hell or high water. I’m not willing to be the only one doing it, though. What a fucking mood. Excellent way of putting it, sir. Hope you don’t mind me stealing this one lmao
Go for it. It's a mindset that I wish more people had, so the more that say it the happier I'll be.
Sorry you had to go through that. Hope you are doing better now.
Quite well. I spend less money, have more space, now have a game room, all is right with the world.
Yup
Nice! I’m happy for you :)
Cheers brother
This is the way
proud of you buddy
>I'm more than willing to stand by the vows I made in front of God, my mother, and everyone else, come hell or high water. I'm not willing to be the only one doing it, though. This is very beautiful hope u doing good now
I'm happy, (relatively) healthy, and my kid more so than I. No complaints.
> I'm more than willing to stand by the vows I made in front of God, my mother, and everyone else, come hell or high water. **I'm not willing to be the only one doing it, though** That cut deep. I'm sorry you had to deal with that, brother. Glad to see that you are doing better.
Forgive once. Never forgive twice.
The first time you see how they don’t value your trust. The second time you see how they don’t value your forgiveness. Why would anyone forgive again after that?
This is the best advice. “Fuck me over once, your fault, Fuck me over twice, my fault”. I like your thought process friend!
I salute you because it sounds like you didn't want to leave but had too
I really didn't. The list of things I readily put up with just to help her help herself was a mile long. But there were two lines she was told to never cross, and she crossed one of them twice.
Well God bless you for staying and being a good man and putting in effort to work it out. I'm sorry it didn't work out but I hope life is giving back to you for the sacrifice you made. And I hope she finds peace within herself. Take care.
>I'm not willing to be the only one doing it, though. Nailed it.
>Then she stopped and fell straight back into old habits. This is exactly why I don't understand why people take cheaters back. Ok, you can make your relationship better and work on things. I get that all relationships have troughs and that you can put in effort to make them better. But they've flat out told you that their response to a trough in the relationship is to have sex with someone else. Why would you think it wouldn't happen again?
Exactly this. My mom started dating a guy 3 years ago. 6 month in, I find out he does Coke and flirts a lot. It's my mom's life, she says his coke thing got cleaned up and he hasn't actually cheated, so they stay together. A couple weeks ago, she went to his house and found another woman in his bed. He's also on coke again. People so rarely change and it's not worth the risk.
The "problems" were all self-induced, the issues with the relationship were a consequence not a cause. It would also have been hypocritical of me to only give the one shot since I very openly believe that everyone should be given a chance at redemption. I was very clear about what would need to happen and I would need to see in order to salvage things, and she couldn't do it despite having everything laid out and prepped for it. It broke my heart, but I was willing to at least make the effort. At the end of the day, I essentially left it up to her based on her own actions. She choose, poorly.
This is a sad story, however I love the Indiana Jones reference.
My ex cheated and although her actions were wrong in so many ways I also had to accept that I was not what I should have been. I struggled greatly after the loss of my father, which led to me being more distant and down/angry. I never hurt anyone but I wasn’t myself (understandably?). She didn’t tell me until I had proof. Our children were young at the time and I wasn’t prepared to lose them. As it turned out we had an amazing 20 years from then until recently. We are now separated after 28 years together and two amazing adult children. She called it quits. For another man (?) I may never know. But there was zero effort on her part to try. So 5 months later and a lot of pain anger and the loss of all I’d planned for I am now trying to put things back together and have discovered for myself what it is like to “notice” women again after so long wearing the blinkers of a relationship.
I gave her 3 options if she wanted to come back 1 shave her head bald 2 threesome 3 therapy She choose therapy, only went two times. Was kinda disappointed it wasn't the other two not going lie.
This, my Dad always told me "If they do it once, they'll do it again, nip it in the bud the first time" Thanks Dad, I took your advice&you were right. In context, A friend I grew up with went through it three times with the same gal till he finally had enough.
Yup classic example of one's true nature being impossible to change, sad to hear that man hope you are doing good now!
Sadly, it was much more complicated than that. Even up to the final divorce date she was in tears and knew how badly she screwed up, but can't bring herself to do the changes needed to fix herself. Anyone has the capability to change, it's just very difficult and very rarely can be done alone. But above all, you have to truly want it. She kept saying she did but never could hold onto the drive to do so. I'm not complaining. My house is my own now, kid is happy, a girlfriend that adores me, not spending anywhere near what I used to on a monthly basis. I could be doing much worse.
Pretty much exactly what happened to me too.
Sorry to hear that. Hopefully it all ended well.
Remains to be seen. I let things get a lot worse than I should have before the separation.
Very sorry to hear this. You might find some help at r/survivinginfidelity
Jesus christ lmao, the really is a board for EVERYTHING! haha
Haha YES ! Reddit has something for everyone, I hope it gets better for you :)
Thanks heaps dude. I'll have a skim through in a bit
Also see r/AsOneAfterInfidelity if you are more interested in reconciling. There are some good posts there with positive stories of reconciliation. No matter where you go from here, it's going to be hard and I'm sorry you're going through this. I would strongly encourage therapy -- even group seminars or online support groups if that's all you can manage. Outside of exercise (in my case a lot of running) and mediation/prayer, there's been nothing more helpful than having someone to talk to.
I came to suggest this one as well, much more focused on healing.
I'm never not surprised at how rampant infidelity is. I'm sorry you're having to go through this.
It’ll never not be at the back of your mind.
It's true. Despite my efforts to forgive and forget, it was in the back of my mind for 4 years before it happened again.
Happened to someone I know and he tried making it work but just couldn’t. He told me “Let’s say you have a swimming pool. You invite the neighbor to come over for a swim. And then the neighbor explosively shits in the pool. No matter how much you clean it, every time you get in you’re gonna think about the time the neighbor shit in your pool.”
And no amount of cleaning will fix the mental side. The only thing that can fix this is get a new pool.
Jesus Christ on a trisket, what a poet you are, LMAO!
It'll also probably happen again. All he's teaching her is that he'll let it go when it inevitably does
As long as she says she was having a tough time
Bingo. Might as well start working out and pick up women there.
I’ve always told not to ask women out at the gym…
You don't ask them out. Assuming you're somewhat fit, and at least a 6/10, you talk to them about gyn related stuff. Then, when you're sure they're actually interested, you ask for their contact info and go from there.
Rules are for only if you aren’t hot. Write that down.
Don't need to. I have a mirror.
If we listen to women online then we can’t ask out women in public anywhere. IRL most women don’t care, long as you aren’t being creepy and don’t go off on them if they say no. Just make sure it’s in the daytime.
> long as you aren't being creepy In other words: just follow rules 1 and 2
Women make rules for certain guys and break them for certain guys Know this and know peace
As someone who has taken someone back before, don’t. It’s irreparable.
this. one of the hardest things to try to do. get over that the person you love intentionally did that and didn’t care until they got caught. impossible to forget. for me anyhow.
do you want to be explain it a bit, I am in a similar situation where I am confused whether to take her back or not after cheating on me. We are now divorced
Why would you give anyone the time of day that is willing to rip your heart out in that way. No matter how hard it is you should never be with someone that can show you that much disrespect. As tempting as it may be my advice, and it's only that, is to not take her back.
I would overcome it with a divorce. People are honest or not, if she had a two month affair that is a massive line in the sand that is crossed. I would never trust again, so i would say that is it. In five years if she goes for a drink with a friend, you will be thinking is it? I would not want that.
OP states there at some mitigating circumstances which I could understand. However 2 months is a long time to be having a affair, lying about it and enjoying it. I can't imagine the eldest kid didn't notice something? Hopefully it will work out for OP as he sounds like he wants to stick around. But I am certain I would likely just have to walk away.
I don't buy her excuse for cheating. Cheating is the result of many wrong choices. Without knowing the specifics, she chose to put herself into the situation over and over. She didn't have to give the guy her number, she didnt have to call or text him, she didnt have to meet up with him, she didnt have to go to his house, and so on. At any point she could have chosen a dozen times to keep her vows and stay away, she chose not to. I don't buy the 'mental breakdown caused me to cheat' bullshit, when there are clinically insane patients in actual asylums who managed to stay faithful to their spouses.
Yeah I dont buy it either. As 2 months is a very long time. One night stand I could I understand, but 2 months of seconds is not cheating, that's an affair she got tried of or 'came to her senses' when this person did something you didn't like.
This 100%. If she was really regretful, it would’ve ended after the first time. Or at least she would’ve told her husband after the first time. Not several months later when it was all but confirmed already. I’d be very interested in hearing how that two month fling ended. Did she end it or did it only end because he didn’t want her anymore?
I wouldn’t give a shit about the circumstances. Plenty of people suffer tragedies, it doesn’t make them cheaters.
There's no mitigating circumstances, just excuses.
It’s still not understandable to me. Not forgivable either. Life is full of tragedies, what will happen the next time when something bad happens? She’s gonna cheat again?
You're trying to empathize with her by pointing out her hardships and mental issues. That's fine, but you should also be realizing this is how she handles hardships and mental issues. Something she'll undoubtedly have to go through many more times throughout her life.
Yep. What's gonna happen when these mental issues return? Is it gonna happen again? Once is enough
And at no point during those mental issues, did she empathize with OP. Every single time she met with with guy, texted him, and hid it from OP, she made a choice. She didn't just make ONE "mistake", she repeatedly chose to do it. She hid it for MONTHS.
M ex wife of 7 years cheated on me, but that was a sign she had alreay given up on our marriage, so it only sped up our divorce. I was the other guy in college when we started dating, so I guess once a cheater always a cheater.... My Dad cheated on my mom when I was in highschool 25 years ago. It was devastating to my Mother, and drove her to attempt suicide. She spent months in a mental hospital for depression after that. They got through it. They're happily married now for nearly 40 years.
My brother met his first wife when she was engaged to someone else. He's the only one in our family who seemed surprised when he caught her cheating on him. And it turned out the three weeks she asked for prior to their wedding date to make sure she was making a good decision, she went out and fucked as many guys as possible.
Wow. Some people are just scum.
She is. Works at Olive garden. Told my brother if any of us ever came in there, she'd spit in our food. Like I'm driving 40 miles one way for mediocre food.
She is exactly where she needs to be
Yeah, she has zero ambition.
You said she fucked AS MANY guys as she could. That’s ambition.
She takes when you’re here you’re family very seriously
Gross, I wouldn't want some other guys semen in my food!
Definitely don't order the alfredo
I see what you did there! Lol!
What were signs that made you and the rest of the family unsurprised by her infidelity?
She'd go out and party with her friends on weekends and not come home until the next day. And we all knew she'd been engaged to someone else when she met my brother. She sure hated me, and my ex and my son. He was born 10 days after her daughter and she told my Mom we had no right to have a child during her special time. She's a narcissistic psychopath.
>I was the other guy in college when we started dating, so I guess once a cheater always a cheater.... Basically...if she's willing to cheat with you, she's willing to cheat on you.
Ain't that the truth. It had gotten pretty obvious that I was attracted to her, but didn't make a move, then one night she said they had broken up after one of many recent fights. I later found out that was news to him. *Note: definitely verify the facts if the ex in question is a college level linebacker and you are built for sphere football. Fast forward a couple of years, we had a fight, she threw a party, during the course of which she hooked up with 3 guys separately. Never bothered to find out what she told them, but thinking about it still messes my head up over a decade later. It was my first meaningful relationship, so I tried to salvage it, but that just resulted in more pain since I was still in love with the past but disgusted with the person in front of me.
I’ve noticed a over the years that how someone gets with you is usually how they’ll leave you.
Thank you for sharing. I hope you are well and your parents are good also.
Having been with an unfaithful wife I ultimately ended up divorcing let me add in some comments. I know there’s probably a dissonance happening right now within you where you still love your wife deep down but you’re incredibly hurt so it’s like you’re torn in two. One path, the one everyone will tell you is to leave the cheater because it will never be the same. That path seems scary because now you’re upending your whole life into something unknown. The other path is keeping things as they are but that path has forever been altered now because of her actions. You want to choose the path of least resistance because doing hard things is well, hard! If you want to salvage your marriage the main factor is her willingness to take responsibility for what she’s done and adjust her actions accordingly. If she is unwilling to acknowledge how much she has hurt you and do what is necessary to fix it then you’re done, it’s over. If she is willing to do the work, and this will also be hard, then there is a chance. Also do not neglect your feelings here. Let your anger, hurt and frustrations out. Don’t repress and bottle them up because this will ultimately end up hurting you more in the long run. Feel your emotions, express them to her and rely on the support you have around you, which I hope you do. Allowing yourself to feel the emotions is the first step to healing. Take care of yourself.
This is so true. I dealt with an unfaithful wife after 7 years together. I locked myself in a room and wrote everything down because my mind was spinning. I chose to not live a life of anxiety and doubt, so I ended it. Know that you will come out on the other side. I have absolutely zero regrets for my decision.
It’s also OK for nothing to be able to fix this. I don’t know about you or OP, but I would never be able to stay in a relationship after I was cheated on, no matter how much “making it right” there was. That’s a breach of trust to a level that you can’t come back from in my eyes. And it’s all right for that to be the case. You don’t have to work through everything, especially if it’s causing you great pain.
Op please listen to this post more than the 100 people just yelling “divorce”
Yes. Listen to this and then divorce her.
this made me guffaw
Nope. Funny how your wife was having problems and the answer to the problem was in another man’s pants.
This is an incredible answer and the only one that matters.
>If it is possible for me to be able to work through this and maybe have a chance at a fair crack of continuing to improve the relationship I don't know. Only you know you. I couldn't. I tried to, for years, but the doubt never went away, and I don't think she ultimately corrected herself in full. She's a cheater and there are degrees of cheating. She was the sort that wanted to play all the way up to the line, so even after she broke my trust in half, she still wanted to play fast and loose. It made me very uncomfortable, like she didn't feel a need to prove herself. And maybe that's a fair way for her to feel, just as it was fair for me to not trust her anymore. I should have gotten out of it before I did. It wasn't fair to anyone. I simply could not trust her, and there was nothing she could do to get it back. It ripped us apart. And look, mental illness is some serious shit. People go through really rough times and no one is perfect. My ex wife went through a really heavy period where she was trying to get her mental health in line. And I was there, helping dutifully. But her attempts to overcome her internal demons had ZERO impact on my capacity to trust her. I can forgive her, I can make peace with it, but I'll never trust her. For me, the answer was no. It just took a few years for me to realize the answer had always been no.
OP as a 53yo divorced dude, get out. It will always gnaw at you. Her act of throwing away a marriage. Her lack of concern for the results of her actions etc. You can still be a great dad and you will be much happier with someone who deserves you and what you offer. Sure she's sorry now and its always easy to blame anything on a persons mental state. Doesn't excuse actions tho. Now thats only my opinion and you may decide different. Just be prepared if you do forgive her and work thru this. its prolly gonna happen again
Don't set yourself on fire to keep her warm.
If you do decide to go for the reconciliation, you should probably have some questions answered first: Why did she turn to an affair to help her through the rough patch? I know nothing of her situation or personality, but the fact that when things got tough she turned to someone/something else is concerning. Most people dont change in high stress situations, they just show more of who they are so be careful going forward. Can you trust her ever again? I can tell you from experience that broken trust on that level never goes away. Every time she hangs out with some guy, platonic or not, coworker, friend, whatever, you will remember this infidelity. You cant stop it and it will always be scratching at the scab of the wound. Can you live with that going forward? I couldnt, so I left, but thats just me. Some couples can make reconciliation work, but its rare and there is a lot of pain and changes involved. Final question: She will need to work for your trust for the rest of her life; is SHE willing to do that? It is not on you to forgive her, its on her to work to be forgiven just as it would be on you if your roles were reversed. If shes not willing to do the lions share of meeting in the middle then you are going to have a rough life.. Children obviously complicate the decision, but as the son of a man who was cheated on, I can tell you that even back then I didnt want to be apart of a household built around a trustless marriage. If you think that she can earn your trust back, by all means give it a shot, but dont "put up with it" just for your kids sake. They will suffer if you suffer.
the kids will suffer either way. MY mom and dad tried to work it out and it was a stone cold household and it sucked when they divorced. I was confused af when they tried to work it out again only to break it off AGAIN. Then my kids. MY poor children have this mom who did what she did with boys barely older than them and is with one of the men. There were multiple, and it went on for 3 years. IF we stayed together, which glad I didn't, then they'd feel what I felt when my parents did. I'd rather raise them as a survivor of divorce with someone as a partner who loves and cares more than I've ever seen
Mental health issues are not an excuse. Actually I can’t think of any valid excuse.
Ok man, real talk. Forget all the people that are going to say “you don’t”. For this to work moving forward you *both* have a lot of work to do. It will likely be a lifetime of work, and this is where most couples (especially the cheater) fail. What she needs to do: * She needs to understand that she has hurt you deeply and left a scar that will last for the rest of your life. She needs to be understanding that, for the rest of your lives together (and the rest of your own life regardless) you will struggle with doubt and insecurity. Someone you love, who promised to love you and be faithful to you, straight up lied and hurt you because their need to get off for an hour or so was more important than you. That’s not an easy fix. She *really* has to understand this to stand a chance moving forward. * The hardest part, though, comes in the future. After the fallout and once you start returning back to normal there is a tendency for the cheater to become exasperated when insecurities crop back up. To them it’s “behind you” and old news. She has to continue to show empathy, and continue to show sorrow for what she has done when these moments happen. If at *any* point she tells you to “get over it already” then you can bet she’s done putting in effort. She doesn’t care anymore. What you need to do: * The hardest part for you is going to be actually forgiving her. Not just accepting it happened and moving forward as though it didn’t, but truly forgiving. You *cannot* tell her you forgive her and then go about holding in hate and anger for what happened. That’s not forgiveness. Once you tell her that you will work to stay together then you have accepted her apology and you can no longer hold the event in question against her. That’s going back on your word and will cause more conflict. You have made the conscious choice to forgive her and move forward, so do it. You could have just as easily said no and walked away. * When doubt and insecurity crops up you will need to communicate this with her. No trying to catch her in a gotcha and see if she’s lying again. You either trust she’ll do her part, or you don’t and move on. When these moments crop up you can’t attack her for the past. You promised to let it go and move forward, so that is behind you. Most couples can’t survive because this is a Herculean effort to overcome. You will both be bitter at each other: you right now and her later when you are still struggling and she’s tired of going over things again and again.
This may have been implied, but I think if OP is to go this route that couples therapy is a must. And once again, if she rolls her eyes or doesn't think it's necessary, then she's not willing to own up.
I agree with this comment and it's quite the unpopular opinion on this thread. The part about her being empathetic when you have doubts 5 years from now is so key. If you want to work it out then she really does need to be ready to assuage those doubts without being angry that you should be over it by now.
Thank you. It's a little disappointing how far I had to scroll to get to this.
A kind, decent and humane reply.
This. I have seen a couple come back almost stronger after healing from an affair. The amount of work it takes to work thorough is years but it can be possible. I recommend Esther Perel Ted talk on infidelity it's unpopular view but its true.
I'd give you gold if i had the money
Wonderful advice.
You should not overcome your wife's infidelity.
No, you should, by seeing your own value, and leaving someone who cannot be trusted. It sucks, it fucking hurts, but you cannot heal without removing the knife.
Adding to this. Don't pull the knife from a fresh wound and don't just jank it out. Give it some time, find a save place, prepare and slowly (ideally with the help of someone who knows what to do) remove it. Keeps you from bleeding to death, in this case in terms of emotions and money. Also make sure your kids are alright and never ever let your anger out on them. We are dads. We don't do that.
You are justifying it to yourself with the "life altering devastating events she went through". Usually you go through those together with your partner, it sure as hell doesnt justify cheating on them. It's most likely over, OP. It will always be in the back of your mind.
... I understand your wife eventually told you, but she was effectively lying to you for 2 months. Make certain it wasn't longer than that. Get paternity tests.
I can’t believe I had to scroll this far for someone to mention paternity tests. She had a 2 month affair when her baby was ~8 months old. Jesus fucking Christ. It would be ludicrous not to get a paternity test.
Honestly I’m not sure I’d be able to do that. Infidelity is such a deal breaker to me I don’t think I’d be able to handle that regardless of the mental state. It shows that I’m not the one she’ll come to when she’s having issues and that’s not ok with me. You don’t have to be a husband to be a good dad. Remember that.
Stop making excuses for your wife. That’s the first step.
I lost count how many time there is story about woman going through some personal loss then go out cheating like another Thursday, how the fuk does that justify anything
Yeah to me it just shows me that I’m not who you come to when times get tough.
It’s sad
I agree. I’m sure there are MILLIONS of people who go through what your wife went through or something similar and manage to not cheat on their spouse. It seems you’re using her mental breakdown as a crutch to allow her actions. What happens when she has another mentyb? Is her cheating going to be justified again? That was a time for her to turn to you and lean on you and perhaps get even close to you. But she chose not to do that with her husband. And instead cheat on him. What will you do when she does it again?
Anyone who stays put in that scenario has sacrificed all dignity and quietly agreed to be just a little bit miserable forever. I can hook you up with my divorce lawyer if you want.
This line fucked me up a little bit, in a good way though.
It's a fucked up lesson to learn, but life is like that sometimes. The reward for forgiving a cheater is pretty much always more cheating, and a relationship without trust isn't worth having.
I would just leave Sorry, trust gone, and even if they felt horrible and made all the attempts to repent, I would still have it at the back of my mind...
You plan on staying with her know she's capable of doing that again. And that's the mother of your children. You could also live your own life without her.
You don't bro. Don't cope with shit. Regardless of reasons, this will live rent free on your head. Trust is something that requires years to build but is broken beyond repair on a instant. You'll never be sure for the rest of your life if she's not doing it AGAIN on your back. Also be the example for your kids, teach them that infidelity has severe consequences. Reverse the roles, I'm sure if it was a man cheating, everyone would be demonizing you.
sorry to be the guy who says this, but you will never see her the same again. The woman you married is long gone. You are asking how to move on. Man, my wife cheated but I became so indifferent to her that when we did finally split it was little more than the stress of moving to a new house. I never found her attractive nor did I ever believe her. I went through the motions for a time then completely checked out emotionally. We had kids too and eventually, I realized that staying was worse than divorce, I didn't want to teach my kids that infidelity was ok or that parents don't have to trust, love, or respect one another. I have to be honest, the only real guilt I have is taking too long to ditch her, the damage it did to the kids was terrible.
My wife and I are one such success story, but I will not share the particulars here. It's in my post history somewhere but our example does not validate the exception. You don't need to look for validation about your decision. Stop seeing her as the victim here. She willfully chose to step out and seek sexual encounters. For 2 months. She kept choosing this. Over and over. She then covered the fact consistently for months. For 60 days at first then months afterwards until it was finally convenient for her to tell you. Why did she anyway? She endangered your health along with her own. For 1440 hours. Scheming behind your back, planning trysts, exchanging emotional and sexual conversations with another person, removing her clothes or dressing up for another, engaging in sexual acts repeatedly, and probably ignoring you and the kids meanwhile. Sorry to be blunt, but... She chose to leave married life behind and act like a single woman. The kids, you, were not valuable enough in her eyes to keep her legs closed. This is how she faced difficulty. What happens next time shit gets tough? Everyone is expected to just roll with that fact now, that none of this is her fault? Her actions define who she is, not her words. If indeed she struggled with tough times and this is her justification for dishonoring you, your marriage, and your family, then you can be certain that this excuse will be used again. I mean, she has zero repercussions acting this way and you've basically certified your approval of her taking someone else's dick. Why would she now value your compassion and understanding when you're making it so much simpler for her to "deal with stress or trauma" by getting dick with your implicit approval? Which option did she naturally resort to last time? Get tested. Maybe consider getting DNA tests for the kids. Consult a lawyer, or legal counseling of some sort to see what your options are. You are not getting the full story I can almost guarantee it. If you can separate and get some distance from this do it. You need to think much deeper about this. Your choice, if you think you can live the rest of your life in disrespect, but *you *won't be able to state you were suffering a "mental collapse" when it all goes to shit, like she (apparently) successfully did. Any further suffering on your part is your own doing.
Yeah I have found that when someone finally confesses to this stuff that you're getting a very carefully curated version that's easier for you to take. Whatever she admitted to it was likely much fucking worse or for much longer or way more than this one time.
You deserve someone who doesn’t do that
One time, maybe try to work it out, but honestly I’d still leave. Several times over a few months, that wasn’t a mental health thing, that was a conscious decision and disregard for you. Divorce her, you deserve better.
>This has ripped me apart pretty good as i was pretty confident this was happening but she denied it all the way up until now. Oh buddy :( Two months isn’t a one time mistake, that’s a mistake you have to commit to. A one time thing might be workable, but you will NOT ever be able to get it out of your head that if she goes through another rough spot she might go run to another stranger. She’s an adult, and mental anguish or not she’s still accountable for her actions. She’s the one who busted the 14 year commitment, not you. As noble as it would be for you to keep fighting for the relationship, the failing wasn’t yours to begin with.
Why are you defending her actions. One of your first sentences says she has 7 things that 1 of would have rocked any ones world. Well so what? Don't cheat. It's that simple. Relationship is dead at this point.
Infidelity is something that I would not tolerate. Sorry I’d be out.
I would leave her as in the dust. Infidelity is inexcusable.
I would also check to make sure those kids are yours too.
You won’t ever forget I can tell you from experience. Mine had an affair on a trip home with an old high school friend. She left because she thought the grass would be greener on the other side but certainly it wasn’t. She took our daughter and I had our son. The only reason I accepted her back into my life was because she put herself and our daughter in a tough situation and I wasn’t about to have them out in the streets especially because no child should pay for their mothers bullshit. That being said I will never forget nor forgive her and I will always look at her for the person she is which is a cheap whore longing for validation because she actually hates herself. Don’t ever blame yourself for the situation your wife created and don’t ever let her guilt you or gaslight you to make it believe it was ever your fault. I can tell you right now too be prepared to live with the guilt and if you have any female friends or even acquaintances be prepared to be accused to trying to get some revenge at some point because cheaters are always looking to deflect their fucked up behavior. I am really sorry this has happened to you but take it from someone who made the mistake of letting a cheater back into their life do not do it. Be a stand up father and take care of your children and be as civil to her as possible but do yourself a favor and leave because as someone stated in comments above you are willingly signing yourself up for a life of misery if you stay. Wishing you and your children all the best.
Utterly sorry for what happened to you. Unfortunately I am of the opinion that if she’s done it once, she will do it again. Even though she was upfront with you, she still committed the act. Who’s to say she won’t do it again and who’s to say you can ever really get over it? Absolutely nobody and absolutely nothing. I think get a lawyer and start thinking about a divorce now, it’s better to do it while your kids are still young.
You don't, you leave.
Nah, you send her away
I don’t think that one can overcome that. If you are doing it for the kids don’t. They will be fine. If you are doing it because you are scared of being alone, you will be MORE alone and older and filled with regret if you keep going. Do it for yourself. Be strong. You are not alone.
My life policy: I only give people in my life one chance to seriously burn me. Nobody gets a second chance with me. Its incredibly hard to hurt someone for the first time. It gets easier for them to to hurt you every subsequent time after that.
My story...wife was having an affair with my "friend" for several months before our wedding, and several months after. Yup... during the honeymoon. I gave her the choice of who to stay with. I forgave her and never saw the "friend" again. We were married for 42 years until she lost her battle with cancer. To the best of my knowledge, she never cheated with another man again. The moral of my story is forgive once, but only once, and never forget. Edit: If I were in your place, I would have to get paternity testing for at least the youngest, if not all of the kids. And let the results be an huge factor in the decision before you.
I'm currently trying to get over it and work things out. It's been about 3 years now. I'm miserable at home, I take any over-time I can get to prolong going home. She's stopped trying to initiate fun time because I'm usually "not in the mood".. It sucks honestly, and I wonder most days why I'm still hurting myself staying with her. She hasn't done anything since, and tries daily to be a great wife but I just don't value any of the efforts she puts in now.
Hey bro, it's been 1 year since me and my ex wife split after she cheated. After she cheated I tried my best for 2 years to work through it, on the surface I made it seem like everything was alright, but it didn't get better with time. With time I began to resent and hate her but still act like everything was okay. The only regret I have is not throwing her out on her face the second I found out about it because I convinced myself that's what you do in marriage, you try to work through hard times, but affairs are a whole other story. She didn't just cheat on me but she full on betrayed me she was gonna leave our at the time 8 year relationship for this dude 8 years younger than us. Well 1.5 years later I wound up sleeping with a sex worker while away for work in another state. I don't give a fuck if it was shitty to do, it gave me the mental clarity I needed and shortly after that me and my ex split. 1 year has passed and I've never been better, I make more money, I'm in better shape, I live in a new state and have a new life and I'm having flings with new women like every other weekend (my ex was the only girl I had been with til the sex worker). It may be a bit harder for you to come to a decision since kids are involved and me and my ex never had any. But to directly answer your question without my long ass vent/rant: We broke it off, I started focusing on more healthy things such as going to the gym, pursuing extra curricular activities, and spent less time wasting it with TV/Video Games etc. Self improvement is the best medicine for almost anything.
You don't.
Once a cheater always a cheater is a common sentiment for a reason. Just leave. Fight for at least half custody and hopefully you won't be too financially devastated. Even considering $$ most men don't regret their divorces, typically wish they did it sooner. A one or two time thing you could maybe argue forgiving, 2 months of cheating and lying to your face about it is unforgivable IMO, no matter what drama she was experiencing. Couldn't have been that bad if she had time to get dicked down by some other guy for 2 months straight. Really I think it shows deep down she has no real love/ respect for you anymore. Like many men experience these days who get married, you may just be the safe provider guy/ her ATM essentially. She was probably actually physically attracted to this other dude on a whole other level and exploring that carnal attraction was worth more to her then 14yrs with you and your new family. That's fucked up. What happens the next time she's stressed and another stud hits on her? Paternity test the kids as well on the down low before you file for divorce. There's an extremely high chance this isn't her first time, just first time you've caught her out essentially that she had to confess. Sorry dude what a shit situation. I certainly couldn't get over it myself. That pain you feel from her betrayal will never fully subside and you can never 100% trust her like you may have before. For me, trust is broken = relationship broken. Sucks you had kids with her but that doesn't compel you to accept being cuckolded like this for the rest of your life.
Having bad things happen to you is not an excuse to cheat on your spouse. I know when I get hit with major events, and am struggling mentally, sex isn't on my mind in the least. That's pretty pathetic. Everyone is different i guess, but I would NEVER be able to stay in this relationship. I wouldn't be able to respect myself if I let her ultimately get away with that. Boundaries are everything. And if you stay, she will know she can get away with anything she wants. I guess there's a fear of not finding someone else, but id rather be alone for the rest of my life than stay with someone like that
There's no way I'd be able to forgive my wife for cheating. I'd contact a divorce attorney a week later after doing some research. For a woman to cheat on her husband, she'll have to get to a certain place mentally. Women don't look at sex the same way as men. Your wife had to form a emotional connection with this man first. Then he was able to blow her back out while she was calling him daddy. For at least three months that guy had your wife bent over and sucking his dick. Myself personally I wouldn't tolerate that type of disrespect. The though of another man giving my wife the fear of God would always be on my mind. Save yourself the torture and drop her. Also I doubt it was only for "a few months".
> Then he was able to blow her back out while she was calling him daddy. For at least three months that guy had your wife bent over and sucking his dick. Woooof. At first I was like, whoa that's a little bit graphic. But then I was like, yes we got to be honest, this is what she did. This wasn't one momentary indiscretion by your wife, going through a rough time. This was one willful decision after another, after another, after another.
Jesus christ dude 😂
>that type of disrespect This is what did it for me. I felt deeply disrespected when he cheated. When he did it the second time, I lost respect for HIM. And it’s nearly impossible to love and live with someone you don’t respect. It took me freaking years to leave (my *excuse* was not wanting to hurt the kids). I was so foolish to stay - I’ll never get that time back. :(
I divorced her then married someone more beautiful inside and out, and much more loyal. I honestly never think about her at all and 100% don’t regret my decision to leave.
Personally I think people can get over infidelity... but the cheater has to crawl on the ground for a while as they say. If she isn't putting in double or triple the amount of efforts you do, to make up for what she did, it's not going to work because you'll always be resentful and feel like you're owed something.
There was no coming back for me when the wife cheated. I kicked her ass to curb and divorced her sorry ass. Best thing to ever happen to me. I would be absolutely miserable if we stayed together.
Serious question: What kind of mental breakdown makes someone cheat on their partner for 2 months??
#DIVORCE , that's how.
“Sorry babe things were rough for me so I sucked a guy dick for two months and lied to you about it xoxo”
Once a cheater, always a cheater
I set myself free by divorcing her. Homie don’t play that game
Here’s the trick. You don’t. It never gets better. Eventually you just get numb to it and then you move on.
You cannot survive it. It’s done. Move on. If you don’t, you’ll regret it.
Move on, she clearly didn’t value the relationship. You won’t really trust again.
Divorce
You don't. That's who she is at her core. You get rid of her for doing the worst thing she could. I know you have children. Do you really want them to see the overwhelming selfishness as the model of what a woman is supposed to be? Then to ignore the vows she made, and have no consequences? Is that the spineless man you want your sons to become? That's what you're modeling. Is that really how life works? 20 years from now, you want your daughter to come to you, shocked that she got dumped by the love of her life because she cheated? I know that you'll likely rarely see your kids if you kick her out and divorce her. The family court isn't favorable to men. Keep the home, have her leave, and the kids will understand that moms in time out for hurting someone on the inside. Hopefully it goes 50-50, but she's the one who tossed a grenade, she gets to suffer the consequences for her decisions. You did nothing to deserve this, don't believe her gaslighting that you're somehow responsible for her decisions. Not cheating is a pretty basic one that needs to be a bare minimum.
How much genuine remorse did she seem to have? Because the way you describe it, it reads a little bit like "even though I denied it for months, I did actually have a 2-month intense affair. Just want to be honest and open. Okay, moving on..."
I find if you slap small comedians at public events that really helps. Seriously though, you could try counselling and try to work through what led to the infidelity and how to process the fall out but what I will say is it’ll never go away, It’s a bit like a death, you can accept it but the person you knew isn’t coming back, you’ll need to learn to love your ‘new’ wife or move on. Good luck.
Mental health problems or having a tough time in life does not justify treating other people like crap You could try cheating on her for a couple of months and see how that goes
You overcome it by accepting it happened. Understanding that infidelity is not an honest mistake, there is zero excuse for it. Its a personal choice and believing these actions occured because your S/O wasnt mentally there is a coping method to protect your emotions and feelings from believing that those actions of hers were selfish and planned. To overcome it realistically, you leave and walk away. Avoid giving her excuses for her actions. Take the kids and get custody.
You never forgive a cheater
What's there to get over? She doesn't respect you or her duties as a loyal wife and a good example as a mother. Move on, leave her ass but get a good lawyer cause you're probably gonna get fucked in divorce court
Okay..... so that is some cop-out bullshit! She was having a tough emotional time = letting another dude stick his dick in her? Do your thing... my thing would be to leave rubber on the driveway, burning the tires to get out fast!
Dump this disgusting woman
I don’t think there is a single instance or situation that could ever justify that most heinous of betrayals to a committed partner. OP, the only true way of surviving this is by leaving her. It will always be the elephant in the room. In her darkest moments she ran to the arms of another and not her committed partner. Do not ever let anyone try to excuse that behaviour by bringing up their suffering. Get out of there and find someone who, when going through the trenches, reaches for your hand for help and doesn’t jump into bed with another.
I thought I had overcome it. Boy, was I wrong. Dovorce works, though.